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04-sketches

Customer: Adelaide!

Customer: Adelaide! Clerk: Adelaide, Customer: No. Ah, I remember - Vienna! Clerk: Vienna? Customer: Vienna. Clerk: Vienna's in Austria. Customer: That's what I said. Clerk: No, you didn't. You said 'Australia'. Customer: Did I? Clerk: So this is going to Josephine Wellington in Vienna, Austria. Customer: Yes, How much is it? Clerk: That depends on the weight. Customer: Pardon? Clerk: Weight, Customer: Oh. OK. (The customer starts walking back to the 'Wait here' sign.) Clerk: No! I didn't say (Indicating the sign) 'wait'. I said (Indicating the scales on the counter) 'weight'. (The clerk weighs the parcel.) Clerk: Two and a half kilos. That's £17.50. Customer: £17,50?! That's very expensive, Clerk: Well, he is going by air. Customer: By air? Napoleon can't go by air! Clerk: Why not? Customer: He's a fish, not a bird. Clerk: No, he's going on an aero plane Customer: On an aero plane? Clerk: Yes Customer: How extraordinary! I'm going on an aero plane today. Clerk: Really? Customer: Yes. I'm going to visit my daughter. Clerk: Your daughter Josephine? Customer: Yes. Clerk: In Vienna? Customer: Yes. Clerk: Well, why don't you take Napoleon with you? Customer: Take Napoleon with me? Clerk: Yes. On the aero plane. Customer: Take Napoleon with me on the aero plane? Clerk: Yes! To Vienna! Customer: Of course! Take Napoleon with me on the aero plane to Vienna! Clerk: Yes! Customer: And then when I get to Vienna,.. Clerk: Yes!! Customer: ...I can post him from there! (The customer picks up the parcel and leaves.) • SKETCHES 91

Mr. Jones Scene: Characters: An office, at four o'clock one afternoon A girl, Mr. Charles Jones, a second 'Mr. Jones', a third 'Mr. Jones' Mr. Jones goes into an office. Mr. Jones: Good afternoon. Girl: Good afternoon. Mr. Jones: My name's Jones. Charles Jones. I come from Wales, from Cardiff. I saw an advertisement in the newspaper. It said: 'Charles Jones. Money. Four o'clock. Tuesday afternoon.' And it gave this address. Girl: Ah yes. Wait in here please,Mr. Jones. (She takes Mr. Jones into another office.) Mr. Jones: Thank you. Girl: With these two gentlemen. Mr. Jones: Oh, thank you.(The girl goes out.) Mr. Jones: Good afternoon. Mr. Jones 2: Good afternoon. Mr. Jones: Good afternoon. Mr. Jones 3: Good afternoon. Mr. Jones: Nice day, isn't it? Mr. Jones 2: Yes. Mr. Jones 3: Yes, it is. (The girl comes in.) Girl: Now - Mr. Jones? Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones 2, Mr. Jones 3: Yes? Girl: Mr. Jones? Mr. Jones Mr. Jones 2 Mr. Jones 3: Yes? Girl: Which one of you is Mr. Jones? Mr. Jones: I am Mr. Jones 2: So am I, Mr. Jones 3: So am I. Mr. Jones: No, my name's Jones, Mr. Jones 2: So's mine. Mr. Jones 3: So's mine, Girl: I want to speak to Mr. Charles Jones Mr. Jones: Charles Jones! That's me! Mr. Jones 2: No, I'm Charles Jones. Mr. Jones 3: That's my name, too! Mr. Jones 2: Girl: Charles Edward Jones. Mr. Jones: Yes! My name is Charles Edward Jones. Mr. Jones 3: So's mine. Mr. Jones 2: Mine is, too! Girl: I want to speak to Mr. Charles Edward Jones from Cardiff. Mr. Jones: That's right. I come from Cardiff. Mr. Jones 2: So do I Mr. Jones 3: So do I. Girl: The Mr. Jones I want to see has got three children. Mr. Jones: Yes, that's me! I've got three children. Mr. Jones 3: So have I. (The other man hesitates.) Girl: What about you? Mr. Jones 2: I've got three children. Mr. Jones: You haven't! What are they called? Mr. Jones 2: What are yours called? Mr. Jones: Alan. Michael and David. Mr. Jones 2: So are mine. Mr. Jones 3: What a coincidence! So are mine. Girl: So you all say you're Mr. Jones? Mr. Jones 2, Mr. Jones 3: Yes. Girl: And you all saw the advertisement in the newspaper. Mr. Jones 2 : Yes. Girl: (Very seriously) Well, Mr. Charles Edward Jones, who lives in Cardiff, and has three children, hasn't paid any tax for the last five years. He must pay the government five thousand pounds. Er... actually my name isn't Jones, Mr. Jones 3: Nor is mine, and I don't live in Cardiff, either. 92 SKETCHES