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Mr. Jones 2: Nor do I. I

Mr. Jones 2: Nor do I. I live in...Edinburgh, as a matter of fact. I didn't understand the advertisement. Mr. Jones 3: Nor did I, I didn't realize it meant Charles Edward Jones. Mr. Jones 2: Nor did I. My name isn't Charles Edward Jones. Mr. Jones 3: Nor is mine. He's the man you're looking for. Mr. Jones: Oh dear. Mr. Jones 2: Yes, of course he is! Sorry to have troubled you. Goodbye. Mr. Jones 3: Yes, sorry to have troubled you. Goodbye. (The two men leave) Girl: So you're Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones: Yes. Girl: Congratulations! Mr. Jones: Eh? Girl: You're a rich man. Mr. Jones: I'm not! Girl: Yes, you are. You've got a lot of money! Mr. Jones: I haven't. I can't pay that tax. Girl: There isn't any tax! Mr. Jones: I haven't got - No tax? Girl: No. That was just a story. I had to find the real Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones: Why? Girl: Because the real Mr. Jones is a very rich man. Mr. Jones: I don't understand. Girl: Mr. Jones - Charlie. Your greatuncle Max died last week. Mr. Jones: Oh, no... Girl: Mr. Jones: Girl: Mr. Jones: Girl: Mr. Jones: Girl: Mr. Jones: Girl: Mr. Jones: Girl: Mr. Jones: Girl: Mr. Jones: Girl: Mr. Jones: Girl: Mr. Jones: Mr. Jones: Girl: Mr. Jones: And his money goes to you! To me? But great-uncle Max was a millionaire! That's right. So now I'm a millionaire? Er...no. Oh. You're half a millionaire. Half a millionaire? Which half? The top half or the bottom half? No, no, no. You share the money with one other relation. Half a millionaire! Who do I share the money with? Me! You? Yes, I'm your cousin Jane. Cousin Jane? Really? You've grown up! So have you. And now you're half a millionaire. And so are you! Let's go out and celebrate. Good idea! Let's go out and celebrate! Come on! (He opens the door.) Oh...er...Jane? Yes? Have you got enough money for the bus fare? • SKETCHES 93

The shoe stall Scene: Characters: A shoe stall in a street market in Britain Honest Harry, the stallholder, a customer The stallholder is standing at his stall; he has a small card in his hat, saying 'Honest Harry'. The customer comes to the stall, carrying a shoe-box. Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Good morning, madam. Can I help you? Are you Honest Harry? E... maybe. Why? I want to make a complaint to Honest Harry. A complaint? Yes In that case, I'm not Honest Harry. What? Honest Harry's on holiday. Oh, (Noticing the card in his hat) Wait a minute - your hat says 'Honest Harry'. Oh, yes this is Honest Harry's hat. I'm wearing it while he's on holiday. What?! I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you Harry's telephone number, in Argentina. Now listen to me. All right, all right, all right. I am Honest Harry. What's the problem? (The customer puts the shoebox on the stall.) Well, my husband came here yesterday, Oh, really? Yes. And he bought these shoes. (The customer takes two shoes from the box (one is red, the other is green) and closes it.) Yes? Well, my husband can't wear these. Why not? Are they too big? No. Harry: Too small? Customer: No. Harry: So what's the problem? Customer: They're not the same colour. Harry: Not the same colour? Customer: That's right. Harry: Not the same colour as what? Customer: They're not the same colour as each other! One of them's red and the other one's green. Harry: Oh, yes! One of them's red and the other one's green, Customer: Yes! Harry: I see! So which one are you complaining about? Customer: Pardon? Harry: Which one don't you like? Customer: Look, there's nothing wrong with the shoes - Harry: Good. Customer: but they're not a pair, Harry: No, you're right, madam. They're not a pear. This is a pear. (Harry produces a pear and bites it.) Harry: Mmm, delicious! Customer: I don't think you're taking this very seriously. Harry: Sorry, madam. Let's start at the beginning. Your husband bought these shoes. Customer: Yes. Harry: From me. Customer: Yes. Harry: And you're not satisfied with them. Customer: That's right. I'm not satisfied at all. Harry: What do you mean, exactly? Customer: What do you mean: 'What do I mean'? Harry: What do I mean what do you mean? Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Yes. What I mean is this; Are you: (A) 'Unhappy', (B) 'Annoyed', (C) 'Angry', or (D) 'Suicidal'? Well, I'm unhappy You're unhappy. Yes. You're not annoyed. No, well, yes, I am. So you're annoyed. Yes. 94 SKETCHES

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