9 months ago


Harry: You're not just

Harry: You're not just unhappy - you're annoyed. Customer: Yes. Harry: But you're not angry. Customer: No. Harry: You're sure? Customer: Yes. Harry: Oh, you are angry. Customer: No! I'm sure I'm not angry! Harry: You're not angry. Customer: I'm not angry! Harry: Well, you look angry to me. Customer: All right, I'm angry! Harry: You're angry! Right. But not suicidal. Customer: That's right. Harry: Good. You're angry! Customer: Yes! Harry: Now. are you: (A) 'Very angry', (B) 'Very very angry', (C) 'Extremely angry', or (D) Absolutely furious'? Customer: Look, this is stupid. Harry: Oh, it's stupid, is it? Customer: Yes, it's stupid. Harry: I see. Would you say it's: (A) 'Very stupid', (B) 'Very very stupid', (C) 'Completely stupid', or (D) 'Absolutely idiotic'? Customer: Look, all I want to do is change these shoes. Harry: Change the shoes? Well, why didn't you say so? You're very lucky, madam, because I have here another pair of shoes that are very similar. (Harry produces the corresponding red shoe and green shoe, and puts them on the stall.) Customer: No. wait a minute - that's a red one and a green one as well. Harry: You're quite right. OK. let me change this red one for this green one. (He does so, making a red pair and a green pair.) Customer: Thank you. Harry: And this green one for this red one. (He does so, making two mixed pairs again.) Harry: Satisfied? Customer: No. Harry: All right then. I'll change this Harry: Customer: Look - Harry: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: Harry: Customer: green one for this red one... (He does so, making a red pair and a green pair.) ...and this red one for this green one. (He does so, making two mixed pairs again.) Just a minute - I've got a better idea. Your husband bought this pair of shoes... (He indicates one mixed pair.) if you buy this pair as well... (He indicates the other mixed pair.) Yes? can have one pair, and your husband can have the other. All right. (Putting the two pairs into her bag) One pair...two pairs. How much is that? Twenty pounds. Twenty pounds. (Giving Harry a £20 note) Here you are. No - it's twenty pounds a pair. That's forty pounds. Forty pounds? Yes. But my husband paid you twenty pounds yesterday. Did he? Yes. So you owe me twenty pounds. Harry: (Confused) Do I? Customer: Yes. Harry: Oh. (Giving back the £20 note) Here you are then. Customer: Thank you. Goodbye. (The customer leaves.) Harry: Goodbye. (Realizing his mistake) a minute... Come back! He runs after the customer. SKETCHES 95 •

The check-in desk Scene: The 'Elephant Airlines' check-in desk at an international airport in Britain Characters: The check-in clerk, an English traveler, Captain Strange (a pilot) The traveler comes to the check-in desk. He is carrying just one small bag, as hand luggage. Clerk: Good morning, sir. Can I help you? Traveler: Monte Carlo! Clerk: Pardon? Traveler: Monte Carlo! Clerk: Oh! Hello, Mr. Carlo. Traveler: No! I want to fly to Monte Carlo. Clerk: Oh, I see! Traveler: Can I check in here? Clerk: For the flight to Monte Carlo? Traveler: Yes. Clerk: Who are you flying with? Traveler: Pardon? Clerk: Who are you flying with? Traveler: Nobody - I'm going by myself. Clerk: No, sir. I mean, which airline are you flying with? Traveler: Oh. Elephant Airlines, Here's my ticket. Clerk: Thank you. Traveler: This is my first flight, you know. Clerk: Well, I'm sure you'll enjoy it, sir. (Reading from the ticket) Elephant Airlines, Flight 999 to Monte Carlo. Traveler: Err...Why is it called 'Elephant Airlines'? Clerk: Well, sir, the planes are very big. Traveler: (Pleased) Ah. Clerk: They move very slowly. Traveler: (Uneasy) Ah. Clerk: And they make a strange noise. Traveler: A strange noise? Clerk: Yes. A noise like an elephant. (The clerk makes an elephant noise.) Traveler: What?! Your planes sound like elephants?! Clerk: Yes, sir. Traveler: But - But - But - Clerk: Take it easy, sir. They're quite safe. Now... (Reading from the ticket) ...Mr Right. Traveler: Pardon? Clerk: Mr. Right. Traveler: No, that's wrong. Clerk: Pardon? Traveler: My name isn't Right, It's wrong. Clerk: Your name is Wrong? Traveler: Yes. Clerk: Well, Mr. Wrong - Traveler: No! My name isn't right on the ticket. Clerk: Yes, it is. Look... Mr. Right. Traveler: No... my name isn't Right! Clerk: Ah! Your name isn't Right! Traveler: Right! Clerk: Right! What is your name? Traveler: Watt Clerk: Your name. Traveler: Watt! Clerk: What is your name?! Traveler: Yes! Watt is my name!! Clerk: Ah! Right! Traveler: No! Watt! Clerk: Right! Watt! Traveler: Yes (Pointing at the ticket) Write Watt! The clerk corrects his name on the ticket. Clerk: Right. Any luggage, Mr. Watt? Traveler: Pardon? Clerk: Have you got any luggage? Traveler: Just this little bag. Clerk: That's fine. Now, smoking or nonsmoking? Traveler: Non-smoking, please. Clerk: Eating or non-eating? Traveler: Pardon. Clerk: Eating or non-eating? Do you want a meal on the plane? Traveler: Oh, Yes, please. Clerk: Er...Here you are. (The clerk produces a plastic chicken.) Traveler: What's that?! Clerk: Your lunch. Traveler: But that's a chicken. Clerk: Yes. Traveler: I can't eat that. I'm a vegetarian! 96 SKETCHES

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