Elvis: Yes. Gloria: What do you want to do when you leave school? Elvis: Go to university. Gloria: I see. And what is your hobby, Elvis? Elvis: My hobby? Gloria: Yes. What do you like doing in your free time? Elvis: Oh well, I like meeting people. Hello, Gloria. Gloria: Hello, Elvis, Elvis: And I like fishing Gloria Elvis: And swimming. Gloria: Thank you, Elvis. Elvis: And collecting stamps, and playing football, and dancing - Gloria: Thank you, Elvis. Elvis: And climbing mountains, and waterskiing, and boxing - Gloria: Thank you, Elvis! Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Smith! (Elvis leaves.) Gloria: Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was Elvis Smith. Now let's meet the last contestant. From Liverpool: Ernest Bottom! (Ernest Bottom enters. He is not very friendly.) Gloria: Well, Ernest, it's wonderful to have you here - Ernest: All right, get on with it! Gloria: Oh. Well...Ernest, would you like to answer a few questions? Ernest: No. Gloria: Oh, come on, Ernest! Ernest: All right - just a few. Gloria: Thank you. Tell me - what do you do? Ernest: What do I do? Gloria: Yes. Ernest: Nothing. I'm unemployed. Gloria: Oh. Ernest: I used to be a bus driver. Gloria: Did you? Ernest: Yes. But I lost my job. Gloria: Why? Ernest: I can't drive. Gloria: Oh, I see. What do you like doing in your free time? Ernest: Nothing. Gloria: Oh, come on, Ernest! Haven't you got any hobbies? Ernest: Well... I've got one. I like gardening. Shall I tell you about my garden? Gloria: Yes! Ernest: Well...it's... Gloria: Yes Ernest: It's... Gloria: Yes? Ernest: It's green! (Gloria sighs.) Gloria: Well, thank you, Ernest. That was fascinating. Ladies and gentlemen, Ernest Bottom. Ernest leaves. Gloria: Well, now we've met the three contestants, and our judges are ready with their votes. For Arnold Higgins: one vote. For Elvis Smith: one vote. And for Ernest Bottom: one vote. Well, this is sensational, ladies and gentlemen! This year, we have three Mr. Universes! So, congratulations to our three contestants, and thank you to our judges: Mrs. Doris Higgins, Mrs. Brenda Smith and Mrs. Margaret Bottom. From all of us here, good night! • SKETCHES 131
The new James Bond film 132 SKETCHES Scene: Hank Cannelloni's office Characters: Hank Cannelloni; the director of the film, Linda Stone, Romeo Higgins :the stars of the film, a painter Hank is in his office. There is a knock at the door. Hank: Come in! (Linda comes in) Linda: Hi, Hank! Hank: Linda! Hi! Linda: So, Hank, why do you want to see me? Hank: Linda, I want you to be the star of my new film. Linda: Great! Tell me about it. Hank: I am going to direct the new James Bond film. Linda: The new James Bond film! Hank: Yes. It's going to be a great film - and you're going to be a big star! Linda: I am a big star, Hank. Hank: Yes, Linda, of course you're a big star. But you're going to be an even bigger star! Linda: Great! Er...Hank... Hank: Yes, Linda? Linda: Who's going to play James Bond? Hank: Well, we decided that we wanted Tom Cruise - Linda: Tom Cruise? Hank: Yes Linda: That's great! Hank: But there's a small problem. Linda: What's that, Hank? Hank: Well (There is a knock at the door.) Hank: Come in! (Romeo opens the door.) Romeo: Hello! Is anybody there? Hank: Oh, hi, Romeo. Come in. Romeo: Hello, Mr. Macaroni. Hank: Cannelloni. Romeo: Cannelloni, yes. Sorry. Hank: Romeo, come over here. Romeo: Right. (To Linda] Oh, hello. I don't think we've met. I'm Romeo Higgins. Linda: Romeo who? Romeo: Higgins. H-I-G- Linda: Hi, Romeo. (To Hank, quietly) Hank, who is Romeo Higgins? Hank: (To Linda, quietly) He's...er...he's ... Romeo: I'm very pleased to meet you. Linda: I'm sure you are. Hank: Romeo is...er...starring in the film with you. Linda: Hank: What? Yes. He's going to be the new James Bond. Linda: The new James Bond? Romeo: Yes. I'm very excited about it. Linda: (To Hank, quietly) What happened to Tom Cruise? Hank: (To Linda, quietly) He's busy. Linda: Oh, no! Hank: OK, let's talk about the film. The film takes place in Honolulu. Romeo: Great! Honolulu, Linda! Hank: But we're not going to film it in Honolulu. Linda: We're not going to film it in Honolulu? Hank: No. Linda: Where are we going to film it? Hank: In Manchester. Romeo: Great! My grandmother lives in Manchester. Er...Mr Macaroni? Hank: Cannelloni! The name is Cannelloni! Romeo: Oh, I can't tell the difference between macaroni and cannelloni. Hank: What is it? Romeo: Well, I know they're both types of pasta... Hank: No, I mean: What do you won’t? Romeo: Am I really going to be the new James Bond? Hank: Yes, Romeo. Here's your script. (Hank gives Romeo a script.) Romeo: Oh, thank you, Hank: And Linda... Linda: Yes, Hank? Hank: You play Barbara, another secret agent. (Hank gives Linda a script.) Linda: Thanks, Hank. (The painter enters with a ladder.) Painter: Is there anyone here called Macaroni? Hank: Cannelloni! The name is Cannelloni! Painter: Is that you? Hank: Yes! Painter: Telephone call for you, Mr. Cannelloni Hank: Tell them I'm busy. Painter: It's Hollywood. Hank: Hollywood! Right - (Starting to leave) - I'll be back in a minute, Painter: Mr. Hollywood - your bank manager. Hank: Ah. (Coming back) Right, Never mind. Painter: Can I finish painting this wall? Hank: Linda: Hank: Linda: Go ahead! (The painter sets up his ladder and starts painting.) Hank! What is it, Linda? I've just noticed the title of this film. It's called 'Bond Eats Mr. Big'.