04-sketches

The army
Scene: A British army base
Characters: 'A Captain, Private Large,
Private Small, Private Potter
The Captain, Private Large and Private Small
arrive, marching.
Captain:
Large:
Captain:
Small:
Captain:
Large:
Small:
Captain:
Potter:
Captain:
Potter:
Captain:
Potter:
Captain:
Potter:
Captain:
Potter:
Captain:
Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!
Halt! Attention!...Private Large!
Sir!
Private Small!
Sir!
Private Potter!... Private Potter!...
Where is Private Potter?
I don't know, sir!
Haven't seen him, sir!
Private Potter!!
(Potter arrives in not-very-military
style.)
Here I am! Hello! Sorry I'm a bit
late - I couldn't find my cap.
Get in line, Private Potter! Left,
right! Left, right! Left, right!
Attention!
(Potter is now in line with Large
and Small.)
(To Large and Small) Did you take
my cap?
Private Potter!
Yes?
Yes, sir.
Captain, you don't have to call
me 'sir' - I'm a private.
Private Potter, when you
speak to me, you call me
'sir'!
Oh, sorry, I
forgot...sir.
That's better. Now, I
want to talk to you.
In fact, I want to
talk to all of you.
You're in the
army, right?
Large -Small - Potter:
Right!
Captain: And in the army,
there are some things
you must do, and
some things you
mustn't do. Isn't that
right, Private Large?
Large:
Captain:
Pardon, sir?
In the army, there are
some things you
must do and some
things you mustn't
do.
Large: Yes, sir!
Captain: Give me an
example!
106 SKETCHES
Large:
Captain:
Large:
Captain:
Large:
Captain:
Small:
Captain:
Small:
Captain:
I don't know, sir!
Private Large?
Yes, sir!
You're an idiot!
Thank you, sir!
Private Small!
Yes, sir?
Give me an example!
An example of what, sir?
An example of something you
must do in the army!
Oh right, sir. Er...
Come on!
You must get up in the morning,
sir!
What?
You must get up in the morning,
sir!
No, Private Small, that's wrong.
Correct him, Private Potter.
You mustn't get up in the morning?
No!... Private Large!
Yes, sir!
Did you hear Private Small's
example?
Yes, sir!
It was wrong, wasn't it?
Yes, sir!
Why was it wrong?
I don't know, sir!
Private Large?
Yes, sir?
You're still an idiot!
Large: Thank you, sir!
Captain: Listen. Getting up in the morning
is not just an army rule;
everyone has to get up in the
morning.
Potter: Not necessarily, sir. A lot of
people don't have to get up in
the morning.
Captain: You mean lazy people,
Private Potter?
Potter: No, not lazy people -
people who work at
nights.
Small:
Captain:
Small:
Captain:
Small:
Captain:
Potter:
Captain:
Large:
Captain:
Large:
Captain:
Large:
Captain:
Large:
Captain:
Large:
Captain:
Small: Or in the afternoon.
Large: Or in the evening!
Captain: Silence! All right, all
right. The rule in the
army is this: You must
get up at five, o'clock in
the morning. Isn't that
right. Private Large?
Large: Yes, sir!
Captain: Isn't that right, Private
Small?
Small: Yes, sir!
Captain: Isn't that right, Private
Potter?
Potter: Yes, sir!...But it's stupid.
Captain: What was that?