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Elvis: Yes. Gloria: What do you want to do when you leave school? Elvis: Go to university. Gloria: I see. And what is your hobby, Elvis? Elvis: My hobby? Gloria: Yes. What do you like doing in your free time? Elvis: Oh well, I like meeting people. Hello, Gloria. Gloria: Hello, Elvis, Elvis: And I like fishing Gloria Elvis: And swimming. Gloria: Thank you, Elvis. Elvis: And collecting stamps, and playing football, and dancing - Gloria: Thank you, Elvis. Elvis: And climbing mountains, and waterskiing, and boxing - Gloria: Thank you, Elvis! Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Smith! (Elvis leaves.) Gloria: Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was Elvis Smith. Now let's meet the last contestant. From Liverpool: Ernest Bottom! (Ernest Bottom enters. He is not very friendly.) Gloria: Well, Ernest, it's wonderful to have you here - Ernest: All right, get on with it! Gloria: Oh. Well...Ernest, would you like to answer a few questions? Ernest: No. Gloria: Oh, come on, Ernest! Ernest: All right - just a few. Gloria: Thank you. Tell me - what do you do? Ernest: What do I do? Gloria: Yes. Ernest: Nothing. I'm unemployed. Gloria: Oh. Ernest: I used to be a bus driver. Gloria: Did you? Ernest: Yes. But I lost my job. Gloria: Why? Ernest: I can't drive. Gloria: Oh, I see. What do you like doing in your free time? Ernest: Nothing. Gloria: Oh, come on, Ernest! Haven't you got any hobbies? Ernest: Well... I've got one. I like gardening. Shall I tell you about my garden? Gloria: Yes! Ernest: Well...it's... Gloria: Yes Ernest: It's... Gloria: Yes? Ernest: It's green! (Gloria sighs.) Gloria: Well, thank you, Ernest. That was fascinating. Ladies and gentlemen, Ernest Bottom. Ernest leaves. Gloria: Well, now we've met the three contestants, and our judges are ready with their votes. For Arnold Higgins: one vote. For Elvis Smith: one vote. And for Ernest Bottom: one vote. Well, this is sensational, ladies and gentlemen! This year, we have three Mr. Universes! So, congratulations to our three contestants, and thank you to our judges: Mrs. Doris Higgins, Mrs. Brenda Smith and Mrs. Margaret Bottom. From all of us here, good night! • SKETCHES 131
The new James Bond film 132 SKETCHES Scene: Hank Cannelloni's office Characters: Hank Cannelloni; the director of the film, Linda Stone, Romeo Higgins :the stars of the film, a painter Hank is in his office. There is a knock at the door. Hank: Come in! (Linda comes in) Linda: Hi, Hank! Hank: Linda! Hi! Linda: So, Hank, why do you want to see me? Hank: Linda, I want you to be the star of my new film. Linda: Great! Tell me about it. Hank: I am going to direct the new James Bond film. Linda: The new James Bond film! Hank: Yes. It's going to be a great film - and you're going to be a big star! Linda: I am a big star, Hank. Hank: Yes, Linda, of course you're a big star. But you're going to be an even bigger star! Linda: Great! Er...Hank... Hank: Yes, Linda? Linda: Who's going to play James Bond? Hank: Well, we decided that we wanted Tom Cruise - Linda: Tom Cruise? Hank: Yes Linda: That's great! Hank: But there's a small problem. Linda: What's that, Hank? Hank: Well (There is a knock at the door.) Hank: Come in! (Romeo opens the door.) Romeo: Hello! Is anybody there? Hank: Oh, hi, Romeo. Come in. Romeo: Hello, Mr. Macaroni. Hank: Cannelloni. Romeo: Cannelloni, yes. Sorry. Hank: Romeo, come over here. Romeo: Right. (To Linda] Oh, hello. I don't think we've met. I'm Romeo Higgins. Linda: Romeo who? Romeo: Higgins. H-I-G- Linda: Hi, Romeo. (To Hank, quietly) Hank, who is Romeo Higgins? Hank: (To Linda, quietly) He's...er...he's ... Romeo: I'm very pleased to meet you. Linda: I'm sure you are. Hank: Romeo is...er...starring in the film with you. Linda: Hank: What? Yes. He's going to be the new James Bond. Linda: The new James Bond? Romeo: Yes. I'm very excited about it. Linda: (To Hank, quietly) What happened to Tom Cruise? Hank: (To Linda, quietly) He's busy. Linda: Oh, no! Hank: OK, let's talk about the film. The film takes place in Honolulu. Romeo: Great! Honolulu, Linda! Hank: But we're not going to film it in Honolulu. Linda: We're not going to film it in Honolulu? Hank: No. Linda: Where are we going to film it? Hank: In Manchester. Romeo: Great! My grandmother lives in Manchester. Er...Mr Macaroni? Hank: Cannelloni! The name is Cannelloni! Romeo: Oh, I can't tell the difference between macaroni and cannelloni. Hank: What is it? Romeo: Well, I know they're both types of pasta... Hank: No, I mean: What do you won’t? Romeo: Am I really going to be the new James Bond? Hank: Yes, Romeo. Here's your script. (Hank gives Romeo a script.) Romeo: Oh, thank you, Hank: And Linda... Linda: Yes, Hank? Hank: You play Barbara, another secret agent. (Hank gives Linda a script.) Linda: Thanks, Hank. (The painter enters with a ladder.) Painter: Is there anyone here called Macaroni? Hank: Cannelloni! The name is Cannelloni! Painter: Is that you? Hank: Yes! Painter: Telephone call for you, Mr. Cannelloni Hank: Tell them I'm busy. Painter: It's Hollywood. Hank: Hollywood! Right - (Starting to leave) - I'll be back in a minute, Painter: Mr. Hollywood - your bank manager. Hank: Ah. (Coming back) Right, Never mind. Painter: Can I finish painting this wall? Hank: Linda: Hank: Linda: Go ahead! (The painter sets up his ladder and starts painting.) Hank! What is it, Linda? I've just noticed the title of this film. It's called 'Bond Eats Mr. Big'.
The ticket inspector: . . . . . . .
The ticket inspector Scene : Charac
The King of Boonland Scene: Charact