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The new James Bond film<br />
132 SKETCHES<br />
Scene:<br />
Hank<br />
Cannelloni's<br />
office<br />
Characters:<br />
Hank<br />
Cannelloni;<br />
the director of<br />
the film,<br />
Linda Stone,<br />
Romeo Higgins<br />
:the stars of the<br />
film, a painter<br />
Hank is in his office. There is a<br />
knock at the<br />
door.<br />
Hank: Come in! (Linda comes in)<br />
Linda: Hi, Hank!<br />
Hank: Linda! Hi!<br />
Linda: So, Hank, why do you want to see<br />
me?<br />
Hank: Linda, I want you to be the star of<br />
my new film.<br />
Linda: Great! Tell me about it.<br />
Hank: I am going to direct the new James<br />
Bond film.<br />
Linda: The new James Bond film!<br />
Hank: Yes. It's going to be a great film -<br />
and you're going to be a big star!<br />
Linda: I am a big star, Hank.<br />
Hank: Yes, Linda, of course you're a big<br />
star. But you're going to be an even<br />
bigger star!<br />
Linda: Great! Er...Hank...<br />
Hank: Yes, Linda?<br />
Linda: Who's going to play James Bond?<br />
Hank: Well, we decided that we wanted<br />
Tom Cruise -<br />
Linda: Tom Cruise?<br />
Hank: Yes<br />
Linda: That's great!<br />
Hank: But there's a small problem.<br />
Linda: What's that, Hank?<br />
Hank: Well<br />
(There is a knock at the door.)<br />
Hank: Come in!<br />
(Romeo opens the door.)<br />
Romeo: Hello! Is anybody there?<br />
Hank: Oh, hi, Romeo. Come in.<br />
Romeo: Hello, Mr. Macaroni.<br />
Hank: Cannelloni.<br />
Romeo: Cannelloni, yes. Sorry.<br />
Hank: Romeo, come over here.<br />
Romeo: Right. (To Linda] Oh, hello. I don't<br />
think we've met. I'm Romeo Higgins.<br />
Linda: Romeo who?<br />
Romeo: Higgins. H-I-G-<br />
Linda: Hi, Romeo. (To Hank, quietly) Hank,<br />
who is Romeo Higgins?<br />
Hank: (To Linda, quietly) He's...er...he's ...<br />
Romeo: I'm very pleased to meet you.<br />
Linda: I'm sure you are.<br />
Hank: Romeo is...er...starring in the film<br />
with you.<br />
Linda:<br />
Hank:<br />
What?<br />
Yes. He's going to be the new James<br />
Bond.<br />
Linda: The new James Bond?<br />
Romeo: Yes. I'm very excited about it.<br />
Linda: (To Hank, quietly) What happened to<br />
Tom Cruise?<br />
Hank: (To Linda, quietly) He's busy.<br />
Linda: Oh, no!<br />
Hank: OK, let's talk about the film. The film<br />
takes place in Honolulu.<br />
Romeo: Great! Honolulu, Linda!<br />
Hank: But we're not going to film it in<br />
Honolulu.<br />
Linda: We're not going to film it in<br />
Honolulu?<br />
Hank: No.<br />
Linda: Where are we going to film it?<br />
Hank: In Manchester.<br />
Romeo: Great! My grandmother lives in<br />
Manchester. Er...Mr Macaroni?<br />
Hank: Cannelloni! The name is Cannelloni!<br />
Romeo: Oh, I can't tell the difference<br />
between macaroni and cannelloni.<br />
Hank: What is it?<br />
Romeo: Well, I know they're both types of<br />
pasta...<br />
Hank: No, I mean: What do you won’t?<br />
Romeo: Am I really going to be the new<br />
James Bond?<br />
Hank: Yes, Romeo. Here's your script.<br />
(Hank gives Romeo a script.)<br />
Romeo: Oh, thank you,<br />
Hank: And Linda...<br />
Linda: Yes, Hank?<br />
Hank:<br />
You play Barbara, another secret<br />
agent.<br />
(Hank gives Linda a script.)<br />
Linda: Thanks, Hank.<br />
(The painter enters with a ladder.)<br />
Painter: Is there anyone here called<br />
Macaroni?<br />
Hank: Cannelloni! The name is Cannelloni!<br />
Painter: Is that you?<br />
Hank: Yes!<br />
Painter: Telephone call for you, Mr.<br />
Cannelloni<br />
Hank: Tell them I'm busy.<br />
Painter: It's Hollywood.<br />
Hank: Hollywood! Right - (Starting to<br />
leave) - I'll be back in a minute,<br />
Painter: Mr. Hollywood - your bank manager.<br />
Hank: Ah. (Coming back) Right, Never<br />
mind.<br />
Painter: Can I finish painting this wall?<br />
Hank:<br />
Linda:<br />
Hank:<br />
Linda:<br />
Go ahead!<br />
(The painter sets up his ladder and<br />
starts painting.)<br />
Hank!<br />
What is it, Linda?<br />
I've just noticed the title of this film.<br />
It's called 'Bond Eats Mr. Big'.