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HWRK Magazine: Issue 3 - Spring 2018

HWRK Magazine

PHANTOM HEADMASTER AFTER

PHANTOM HEADMASTER AFTER FOUR DECADES IN EDUCATION, WE’VE UNLEASHED THE BEAST TO SHARE SOME OF ITS FUNNIEST TRUE TALES The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree R ob Whatmore was feeling rather pleased with himself. He’d just completed his first-year teaching and was standing in the assembly hall at the end of a successful parents evening. It was 1975 and his timetable showed, out of a 40-period week, he’d taught 37 – and 34 of them were ‘third years’ (Year 9s in new money). It’d been tough, but he was content with his efforts. He was shaken out of his daydream, however, by a sudden commotion at the far end of the hall, from which two fellow members of staff were gesticulating wildly. They were waving their arms about and pointing to his nearest exit with no little degree of urgency. Rob, still not quite sure the signalling was for him, was baffled. Yet they became even more animated and pointed at a large woman who was heading straight to Rob’s part of the hall. Even his colleagues gesture of a finger drawn across the throat failed to communicate the impending danger. The ample and irate lady drew closer and only when she was 20 feet away did Rob spot his nemesis – Denise Brown – smirking in a self-satisfied way, with her head tilted slightly backwards as she trailed behind (Rob guessed) her mother. It was now too late to move. “Where’s this Mr Whatfore?” the woman asked. Nervously, Rob replied: “That’s Whatmore.” “I’ll give him Whatfore!’ Mrs Brown was a formidable looking woman who most people would stand aside for if she was pushing into a queue. “I am Mr Whatmore,” Rob offered, if now a little sheepishly. “How dare you!” she bellowed. Rob looked for help from the staff around him. Amazingly they had all become occupied and were in deep conversations or scouring the mark books diligently. “How dare I what?” he asked, catching a glimpse of young Denise still smirking behind her mum’s shoulder. “How dare you write this about my daughter?” she replied, holding a report book aloft before passing it to Rob. Rob read his summary of Denise’s year, which read: ‘Denise is probably the rudest, laziest and most disruptive pupil in the year and possesses the foulest mouth I have encountered in the school. Her manners and respect for others are nonexistent.’ Rob made his decision. Failing to have enlisted any support from his colleagues he went for it. “Well Mrs Brown, any pupil who comes into my room shouting, ‘I f***ing hate maths and I’m going to knock the s***e out of Amanda Brooks. Come her you little b***h, you’re going to get the f***ing s*** knocked out of you, you f***ing t***’ has, in my book, the foulest mouth I’ve come across in a 14-year-old. On top of that, she hasn’t completed one homework and is on a report card due of her lack of work and poor behaviour.” “I haven’t seen that,” Mrs Brown “YOU FOUL MOUTHED LITTLE C***. WAIT ‘TIL I GET YOU HOME I’M GOING TO KNOCK SOME F***ING MANNERS INTO YOU, YOU LITTLE MADAM!” snapped, turning back towards Denise, whose expression had gone from smugness to one of quiet terror. “Why haven’t you shown me your card, you f***ing little b***h? Who did you get to sign it?” Before Denise could answer, Mrs Brown turned back to Rob. “She didn’t say all that did she?” “She did,” he replied. “She didn’t!” countered Mrs Brown. “Oh yes she did, and some more,” replied Rob, feeling more confident and also a little like a pantomime prince. Mrs Brown turned to Denise once more. “You foul mouthed little c***. Wait ‘til I get you home I’m going to knock some f***ing manners into you, you little madam!” Denise hung her head. Mrs Brown turned back to Rob once more, and softly offered: “I’m so sorry she’s been like that with you Mr Whatfore. Any more trouble with her, just let me know… I really don’t know where the f*** she gets it from.” 72 // HWRK MAGAZINE // Spring 2017 hwrkmagazine @hwrk_magazine

Helping you to take care of your future Trusted client focused solicitors HWRK are delighted to have secured the sponsorship of Liverpool-based firm, Harvey Howell Solicitors. The firm is already very well established with all the police federations in the north-west of England and have now widened their focus towards the teaching profession. The firm itself has a culture of education, with two directors supervising a team of lawyers and support staff. Amongst other roles, Dr Tony Harvey is a senior UK university academic and lectures both in the UK and internationally. Whilst John Howell, who was a law student of Dr Harvey’s going back 20 years, is a trusted advisor to several major educational organisations. Howell, who will lead the firm into the teaching profession, is the son of two retired assistant head teachers. He believes he can speak the right language when it comes to putting education affairs in order with a focus upon wills, powers of attorney, trusts, care home funding and probate. Let us take care of your future Telephone: 0151 928 8597 Email: reception@harveyhowell.co.uk Harvey Howell Solicitors 1 Mount Pleasant Waterloo Liverpool L22 5PL