6 months ago

Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

Lies I hurt. Every

Lies I hurt. Every movement. Every breath. A grinding ache. I rose naked from bed. The cast was heavy and hard. The crutches wore sores in my pits and palms. I moved with a lurching stiffness. The bathroom down the hall seemed too far away but I made it. I sat, and I peed, and I thought of getting into the shower, using the water to pry the cast from my leg. I thought that I could kill myself now. I could take the rest of the oxy and fade away. I could open a vein and sit in a tub of hot water while the blood ran away. It was all clear in my head, vivid as a photo. I saw myself pale and blue in the shower, lying on the floor. I saw myself lying there waiting for Tayla to find me. But then I saw her face. I saw the confusion turn to shock then anger and grief. Killing myself would solve my problems. It would end this thing with Gid and the shit I took at school, but it would open wounds in people’s lives that might never close. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t spread pain like that. It was beyond unkind. It was cruel.

Things Come Out “Sweet Jesus,” Angie said. “You fuckered yourself up good.” She stood over the couch, too tall, too perfect. Tayla growled something. Angie waved a hand at her and sat. “I was joking,” she said. “Are you in pain?” “Some,” I said. “I could get you something,” she said. “The girls at the club…” “She has pills,” Tayla said. “Okay,” Angie said. Her eyes rolled over me like a hand, somewhat slimy, too familiar. I knew her body. She knew mine. “I just wanted to check on you,” she said. “Thanks.” Tayla turned to her piano, poking at the keys with depressed fingers. “You have to be careful,” Angie said. “You can’t dance all busted up.” “I know.” She heard something. Tayla too. “You okay?” Angie asked. I nodded. It was a lie without lying. The thought of dancing was a mound of ash in my mouth. “You’ll be fine,” Angie said. It was a question without asking a question “We’ll see,” I said. She stared at me. She heard the words. Tayla too. They waited for more. “We’ll see,” I said. Silence filled with too many unsaid words filled the room. “I’m tired,” I said.