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3 months ago

Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

He turned to smoke and

He turned to smoke and mist and rose into the empty space above us. He was gone. Music rushed in with sunlight and the feeling that things were going to get bad.

Miracles I was late. I was never late. Since I was thirteen years old, I bled every twenty-eight days. It was the same every month. It was a weird kind of relief. Now, though, now, I was late, and I didn’t know what was happening. I had two tests. They came in blue boxes with blue and white sticks wrapped in plastic. I pissed on one. I pissed on one and I waited. Mom and Tayla were downstairs making coffee and eggs. They were frying eggs and toasting bread. I couldn’t stand the thought of eating. I felt sick. Morning sickness? Nerves? Fear? I pissed on the stick and I waited and when the waiting was done, a little blue cross hung in the little window. I was pregnant. I couldn’t be pregnant. I was a dyke and dykes didn’t get pregnant. Not on accident. For dykes, babies were planned. I pissed on the other stick and it too came up blue. My belly turned, and I puked in the sink. Fuck! Jesus! What was I going to do? This wasn’t part of the plan. This couldn’t be happening. Dreams and ghosts didn’t knock girls up. It wasn’t possible. None of this made sense. I stared at the test until Tayla tapped on the door. “What’re you doing?” she called. “I’m okay,” I said. “We’re going to be late,” she said. I smiled a bitter smile. She had no idea.