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8 months ago

Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

Help Steam rolled up and

Help Steam rolled up and broke against the ceiling. The fan chopped the air to ribbons. I sat in the tub with the hot, hot water pounding on my head. I heaved and hurled. I shuddered and gagged until my belly felt as if it were turning inside out. Tayla knocked. She needed to pee. I swallowed bile and ash. Tayla came in. “You okay?” she asked. “Fine.” She peed and stuck her head through the curtain. Her eyes were dark. “What’s going on?” she asked. I shook my head. Words gathered in my throat like ground glass. I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her about the baby. I couldn’t. She thought Gid was just a figment, a shard of my imagination. None of this was real to her. How could I convince her that some dreams were real? How could I convince her I’d done nothing wrong? She went away, and the water turned cold. Moving with care and grace, I dried and dressed. I stepped into the bedroom barefoot and wobbly. Tayla waited. She was the center holding me together. Without her, I’d float away into misty madness. Everything would spin away. I’d have nothing but voices and false faces. I’d have nothing but Gid. “You look worried,” she said. I nodded. “Want to talk about it?” she asked. “Nothing to say.” She frowned. She touched my chin and kissed my lips. “I can help,” she said. “Not now,” I said. “Nothing can help now.”

This Is Love First, I saw his hands. My body knew Gid’s hands. They knew every crease, every callus. They knew the swirl of every finger. I knew the lines of his palms like scripture. They reached for me, glowing sharp and sapphire. I jerked away and slapped them down. “I’m done,” I said. He came out of the shadows, his face still blurred and foreign. “Show me,” I said. He stepped back. “I need to know,” I said. His chest swelled. The muscles flexed. His belly was a bowl of shadow leading down to a crotch I didn’t want to think about. “That’s not how it works,” he said. I turned away. “My face is my secret,” he said. I walked a few steps. “This is all there is,” he said. I spun, sharp and hard. The heel of my hands drove into his ribs. A grunt. A step back. Black rage roared through me. “I swear to God,” I snarled. The light around him flickered before flaring. He charged me. “This is love,” he said. “No!” “This is reality,” he said. He clamped my wrists with a vicious grip. Bones ground and groaned. Pain shot to the center of my belly. “You cannot live without me,” he said. “People like you need people like me.”