Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

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Visions People talked. They talked about me. Their faces stretched into bony masks. I sat against the hallway wall. Colors eddied like smoke and confetti. Things sparkled and shivered. I shivered and waited. I waited for everything to go away. Sparkles spun in the watery light. No one saw what I saw. There were monsters here. Monsters and angels. Demons and dragons. My stomach turned and a bell rang. People faded into classrooms and walls. I was alone but not alone. Suicide fantasies invaded me, slimy green and pus yellow. Blood and sinew. Sadness and shame. Another bell. The walls leaned over me, threatening to eat me alive. I shrunk into my spine and tried to find somewhere safe. But nowhere was safe. Nowhere. I sucked air through my teeth. I shivered and cried. I floated somewhere where the light was heavier than me. But then the faces and the voices fell away. Slowly, I came back to myself. I was alone again. I went to the Shack and lit a cigarette. This was how my life worked: voices, visions and habits that were going to kill me someday.
PE I watched the game without watching the game. Whistles and shouts echoed from the walls, mixing into waves of static. Basketball held no interest for me. I had to take PE but they couldn’t make me play. So I sat in the bleachers with Miss Tris. She too had to take the class, but they wouldn’t let her in the locker rooms. People didn’t like the idea of a girl like her sharing showers with their kids. “Pretty,” Miss Tris said. Tad played on the court with the rest of the folks. Sweat shined on his dark skin. He moved with a wild kind of grace. Watching him was like watching a bird fly. Even then, Tad couldn’t hold my attention. Things rumbled through my head. Voices whispered secrets. Faces formed and fractured in the walls. Everything was red and black. Miss Tris took my hand and looked at me. “Can I help?” she asked. I shook my head. “I’m right here,” she said. My heart beat. My head buzzed. Miss Tris held my hand, but her eyes wandered onto the court again. I looked too. Jessica Barber launched a shot from the three-point line. Her tits rose and fell like a shelf shifting. It was glorious and beautiful. It was enough to make me forget for a moment that my life sucked.
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Comfortable Madness William L. Alto
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Dedication For Lisa, who showed me
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still the only teacher who let me g
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I reached for his face, but it was
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the curb. I smoked and paced, and I
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med thing? Was this the start of an
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Science and Spirit They made physic
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Target I was neither the biggest ki
Page 19 and 20: Crossing the Line In English, we ta
Page 21 and 22: Episode Voices and faces bubbled ou
Page 23 and 24: God Porn Four girls stood in front
Page 25 and 26: Lunch Color drained away except for
Page 27 and 28: Telling Secrets Miss Tris sat with
Page 29 and 30: Water I danced and Tayla played. Ta
Page 31 and 32: “We have to do something,” Miss
Page 33 and 34: Insomnia Sun rise. Jays screamed in
Page 35 and 36: Love and Madness Our bed was old. K
Page 37 and 38: Someday Queertopia was the last tab
Page 39 and 40: There were no words. There were no
Page 41 and 42: Voices and Visions Night. Everythin
Page 43 and 44: Answered Questions Tayla sat in the
Page 45 and 46: A Thing Homecoming. I didn’t want
Page 47 and 48: I backed away. People were really s
Page 49 and 50: Tayla rolled over and looked at me.
Page 51 and 52: Delusions I was too cold. White air
Page 53 and 54: Room A creek ran on the edge of tow
Page 55 and 56: Questions Water dribbled through a
Page 57 and 58: Show Folks came through the door, t
Page 59 and 60: gathered in his fists and face. I s
Page 61 and 62: “I love you,” he said. Was this
Page 63 and 64: Spells in the Corner The music was
Page 65 and 66: Silence. We looked at Tad. He shrug
Page 67 and 68: The Mormons stumbled and turned. Th
Page 69: “I understand,” Tayla said. “
Page 73 and 74: He got off the couch and came to me
Page 75 and 76: Tayla grunted in her sleep. I didn
Page 77 and 78: I didn’t know that for sure. Gid
Page 79 and 80: How do you explain what it was like
Page 81 and 82: Air seemed to slice through me. Par
Page 83 and 84: Glass The room was mine. The walls
Page 85 and 86: “I love you,” she said. Sweet w
Page 87 and 88: “Turn away from sin,” he shoute
Page 89 and 90: down and grabbed my arm. He hauled
Page 91 and 92: Secrets Sadness verged on depressio
Page 93 and 94: Real Enough Orion hung in the south
Page 95 and 96: Escape Tayla and Angie took me to t
Page 97 and 98: We crouched behind a hedge. The cop
Page 99 and 100: Shit Follows Voices told me to run.
Page 101 and 102: “You’re dying,” he said. Spot
Page 103 and 104: Emergency Darkness. Thick, vast and
Page 105 and 106: Friends Miss Tris and Tad came with
Page 107 and 108: At the corner, I sat in a hard chai
Page 109 and 110: Awkward Everyone stared at Angie an
Page 111 and 112: The Dead On the edge of sleep, just
Page 113 and 114: Real and Not Real Visiting hours st
Page 115 and 116: I stared at the trees on the other
Page 117 and 118: Home Part of me thought things woul
Page 119 and 120: He was a wall of bone and muscle. H
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She came back to the bathroom. “I
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Tayla put on Duke Ellington. We hel
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gulped down. That was it. This was
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Worry Broken leg. Broken ribs. Disl
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“She hates me,” I said, soundin
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Soon I knew things. I knew someday
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Open Communication Pain and oxy str
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Tayla gave her the finger. I grinne
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“You’ll make it,” Tad said. I
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Love Oxy made everything okay. Not
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Things Come Out “Sweet Jesus,”
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Fight For days, we fought but we fo
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“Really?” she asked. The word h
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An old man stopped. He looked from
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Faith There he was. Gid. In the win
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The First Shot Queertopia. Tayla, r
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Always and Forever I dreamed of lig
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Temptation Last call. The stage emp
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Empty Promises It started. But then
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Gifts Music lifted into the air, br
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Object of Admiration Mr. Skarey cal
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Black birds came from the corners.
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This Body I dreamed of music, compl
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Miracles I was late. I was never la
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laughing. I had nothing to laugh ab
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“You’re talking religion,” Co
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Tayla’s drawn face tore at me.
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This Is Love First, I saw his hands
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Making Sure Posters of smiling wome
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Something Hard and Sad Rain fell li
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Looking Forward Dance team girls ga
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Closet Water stains made dark masks
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“You okay?” he asked. “Fine,
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“The baby! Jesus, the baby!” So
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“I love you,” Gid said. He went
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“You’re not a guy,” he said.
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Heavy Music and movement. I spun an
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It felt as if my skin were going to
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“They did nothing to you,” Gid
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I smiled a fake smile. Tayla watche
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“Really,” I said. “They can s
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I closed my eyes. “Let’s go,”
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“What’s up?” she asked. “Te
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I smoked and waited. Tayla came and
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Waiting I danced. I danced and hope
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The Talk “What’s his name?” T
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Almost a Victim I sat on the floor
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pushing his fingers into my pie and
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“She thinks I cheated,” I said.
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“You know better.” Suddenly, I
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“You know,” she said. “No one
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“No,” I said. “Yes. And other
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“I know.” Her fingers squeezed
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That put an end to it.
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“What happens,” I asked, “if
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didn’t trust her because they ass
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“Have you thought of adoption?”
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“I have some newborn clothes here
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Safe Dead folks filled the room wit
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Consequences Mr. Skarey’s office
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A Domestic Moment I lay on the bed
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Birth It started with a rush of wat
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When they handed me my son, I cried
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He fought with me, but there was a
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