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6 months ago

Comfortable Madness First PDF 4-13-18

Visions People talked.

Visions People talked. They talked about me. Their faces stretched into bony masks. I sat against the hallway wall. Colors eddied like smoke and confetti. Things sparkled and shivered. I shivered and waited. I waited for everything to go away. Sparkles spun in the watery light. No one saw what I saw. There were monsters here. Monsters and angels. Demons and dragons. My stomach turned and a bell rang. People faded into classrooms and walls. I was alone but not alone. Suicide fantasies invaded me, slimy green and pus yellow. Blood and sinew. Sadness and shame. Another bell. The walls leaned over me, threatening to eat me alive. I shrunk into my spine and tried to find somewhere safe. But nowhere was safe. Nowhere. I sucked air through my teeth. I shivered and cried. I floated somewhere where the light was heavier than me. But then the faces and the voices fell away. Slowly, I came back to myself. I was alone again. I went to the Shack and lit a cigarette. This was how my life worked: voices, visions and habits that were going to kill me someday.

PE I watched the game without watching the game. Whistles and shouts echoed from the walls, mixing into waves of static. Basketball held no interest for me. I had to take PE but they couldn’t make me play. So I sat in the bleachers with Miss Tris. She too had to take the class, but they wouldn’t let her in the locker rooms. People didn’t like the idea of a girl like her sharing showers with their kids. “Pretty,” Miss Tris said. Tad played on the court with the rest of the folks. Sweat shined on his dark skin. He moved with a wild kind of grace. Watching him was like watching a bird fly. Even then, Tad couldn’t hold my attention. Things rumbled through my head. Voices whispered secrets. Faces formed and fractured in the walls. Everything was red and black. Miss Tris took my hand and looked at me. “Can I help?” she asked. I shook my head. “I’m right here,” she said. My heart beat. My head buzzed. Miss Tris held my hand, but her eyes wandered onto the court again. I looked too. Jessica Barber launched a shot from the three-point line. Her tits rose and fell like a shelf shifting. It was glorious and beautiful. It was enough to make me forget for a moment that my life sucked.