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Covey - The 7 habits of highly effective people

ineffective because, despite our actions and our words, what we really communicated to him was, "You aren't capable. You have to be protected." We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we first had to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions. The Personality and Character Ethics At the same time, in addition to my research on perception, I was also deeply immersed in an in-depth study of the success literature published in the United States since 1776. I was reading or scanning literally hundreds of books, articles, and essays in fields such as self-improvement, popular psychology, and self-help. At my fingertips was the sum and substance of what a free and democratic people considered to be the keys to successful living. As my study took me back through 200 years of writing about success, I noticed a startling pattern emerging in the content of the literature. Because of our own pain, and because of similar pain I had seen in the lives and relationships of many people I had worked with through the years, I began to feel more and more that much of the success literature of the past 50 years was superficial. It was filled with social image consciousness, techniques and quick fixes -- with social band-aids and aspirin that addressed acute problems and sometimes even appeared to solve them temporarily -- but left the underlying chronic problems untouched to fester and resurface time and again. In stark contrast, almost all the literature in the first 150 years or so focused on what could be called the character ethic as the foundation of success -- things like integrity, humility, fidelity, temperance, courage, justice, patience, industry, simplicity, modesty, and the Golden Rule. Benjamin Franklin's autobiography is representative of that literature. It is, basically, the story of one man's effort to integrate certain principles and habits deep within his nature. The character ethic taught that there are basic principles of effective living, and that people can only experience true success and enduring happiness as they learn and integrate these principles into their basic character. But shortly after World War I the basic view of success shifted from the character ethic to what we might call the personality ethic. Success became more a function of personality, of public image, of attitudes and behaviors, skills and techniques, that lubricate the processes of human interaction. This personality ethic essentially took two paths: one was human and public relations techniques, and the other was positive mental attitude (PMA). Some of this philosophy was expressed in inspiring and sometimes valid maxims such as "Your attitude determines your altitude," "Smiling wins more friends than frowning," and "Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe it can achieve. Other parts of the personality approach were clearly manipulative, even deceptive, encouraging people to use techniques to get other people to like them, or to fake interest in the hobbies of others to get out of them what they wanted, or to use the "power look," or to intimidate their way through life. Some of this literature acknowledged character as an ingredient of success, but tended to compartmentalize it rather than recognize it as foundational and catalytic. Reference to the character ethic became mostly lip service; the basic thrust was quick-fix influence techniques, power strategies, communication skills, and positive attitudes. 7

This personality ethic, I began to realize, was the subconscious source of the solutions Sandra and I were attempting to use with our son. As I thought more deeply about the difference between the personality and character ethics, I realized that Sandra and I had been getting social mileage out of our children's good behavior, and, in our eyes, this son simply didn't measure up. Our image of ourselves, and our role as good, caring parents was even deeper than our image of our son and perhaps influenced it. There was a lot more wrapped up in the way we were seeing and handling the problem than our concern for our son's welfare. As Sandra and I talked, we became painfully aware of the powerful influence of our character and motives and of our perception of him. We knew that social comparison motives were out of harmony with our deeper values and could lead to conditional love and eventually to our son's lessened sense of self-worth. So we determined to focus our efforts on us -- not on our techniques, but on our deepest motives and our perception of him. Instead of trying to change him, we tried to stand apart -- to separate us from him -- and to sense his identity, individuality, separateness, and worth. Through deep thought and the exercise of faith and prayer, we began to see our son in terms of his own uniqueness. We saw within him layers and layers of potential that would be realized at his own pace and speed. We decided to relax and get out of his way and let his own personality emerge. We saw our natural role as being to affirm, enjoy, and value him. We also conscientiously worked on our motives and cultivated internal sources of security so that our own feelings of worth were not dependent on our children's "acceptable" behavior. As we loosened up our old perception of our son and developed value-based motives, new feelings began to emerge. We found ourselves enjoying him instead of comparing or judging him. We stopped trying to clone him in our own image or measure him against social expectations. We stopped trying to kindly, positively manipulate him into an acceptable social mold. Because we saw him as fundamentally adequate and able to cope with life, we stopped protecting him against the ridicule of others. He had been nurtured on this protection, so he went through some withdrawal pains, which he expressed and which we accepted, but did not necessarily respond to. "We don't need to protect you," was the unspoken message. "You're fundamentally okay." As the weeks and months passed, he began to feel a quiet confidence and affirmed himself. He began to blossom, at his own pace and speed. He became outstanding as measured by standard social criteria -- academically, socially and athletically -- at a rapid clip, far beyond the so-called natural developmental process. As the years passed, he was elected to several student body leadership positions, developed into an all-state athlete and started bringing home straight A report cards. He developed an engaging and guileless personality that has enabled him to relate in nonthreatening ways to all kinds of people. Sandra and I believe that our son's "socially impressive" accomplishments were more a serendipitous expression of the feelings he had about himself than merely a response to social reward. This was an amazing experience for Sandra and me, and a very instructional one in dealing with our other children and in other roles as well. It brought to our awareness on a very personal level the vital difference between the personality ethic and the character ethic of success. The Psalmist expressed our conviction well: "Search your own heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life." 8

  • Page 1 and 2: THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIV
  • Page 3 and 4: These principles, however, are like
  • Page 5 and 6: Stephen Covey adds great value to a
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  • Page 17 and 18: Shortly after dark, the lookout on
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  • Page 23 and 24: There's so much to do. And there's
  • Page 25 and 26: But from my own experience -- both
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  • Page 35 and 36: disappear. Those you teach will see
  • Page 37 and 38: "You're never on time." "Why can't
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  • Page 41 and 42: such personal freedom and the effec
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  • Page 45 and 46: "Think hard. What do you think woul
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  • Page 51 and 52: We can decide to be dishonest in ou
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    Because we already live with many s

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    Succeed at home first. Seek and mer

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    so-called mental and emotional illn

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    When we are dependent on the person

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    Innocent pleasures in moderation ca

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    Because the church is a formal orga

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    If you are Money Centered... SECURI

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    WISDOM You see the world through a

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    We can depend on them Principles do

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    POWER Your power is limited only by

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    Fourth, you can communicate to your

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    many different kinds of thought pro

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    We would try to get him in a very r

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    I inspire: I teach by example that

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    When we plan our family goals and a

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    "Everybody," he replied. "Everybody

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    Application Suggestions 1. Take the

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    Management, remember, is clearly di

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    with the bath water," reverting to

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    was to enforce the contract -- to c

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    There are many people who recognize

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    Coherence: Coherence suggests that

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    mission statement, you may want to

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    all day. Remember, frustration is a

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    it! -- Don't take it!" I was afraid

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    "You, Dad?" "No, not me. You're the

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    I bit my tongue and waited until af

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    Application Suggestions: 1. Identif

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    "Well, you'd like to take a screwdr

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    And this is in the most intimate, t

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    Our tendency is to project out of o

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    "I thought you meant that the quali

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    you are honest and open and kind wi

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    When we violate the primary laws of

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    deep personal affection which added

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    Habit 4: Think Win-Win TM -- Princi

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    "My parents don't love me as much a

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    I know of a divorce in which the hu

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    "In other words, you lost." "That's

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    worked to set up a Win-Win Agreemen

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    High courage and consideration are

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    communication process. You listen m

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    people be able to do when they fini

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    guidelines, and resources to make s

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    40. The spirit of win-win had signi

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    Roger Fisher and William Ury, two H

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    Habit 5: Seek First to Understand,

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    and influence, I don't feel safe en

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    You're listening to understand. You

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    Sandra described the symptoms and h

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    esults in communication. To many, s

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    "I know you've sacrificed, Dad. But

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    What a difference real understandin

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    I remember writing one time in a ro

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    trust of another person's communica

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    Habit 5 is something you can practi

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    Habit 6: Synergize TM Principles of

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    hit-or-miss, trial and error. And u

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    very open and authentic and simply

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    Synergy means that 1 + 1 may equal

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    arrange for some help at the first

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    "I know," he replied with a forced

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    He also developed charley horses fr

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    scheduled payments were met. It was

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    Application Suggestions 1. Think ab

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    "Sharpen the Saw" basically means e

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    If you haven't been exercising, you

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    This is why I believe a personal mi

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    centered on the principles of perso

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    diminishes us. It increases us beca

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    create negative force field resista

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    closer we align ourselves with corr

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    The children looked forward to the

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    Sandra and I were amazed at what we

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    Becoming a Transition Person Among

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    Again, T. S. Eliot expresses so bea

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    * * If your center is Pleasure... S

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    This is the way you may tend to per

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    Many third-generation time managers

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    Preparing the media budget. Regardi

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    produce interesting and creative wa

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