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5 months ago

Bourge-wise Cat

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AN URGENT REMEDY FOR THE D.T.’s By Fred White Setting: A doctor’s Office. PATIENT is sitting on the examining table, shaking. DOCTOR, wearing a surgical mask and cap, enters. PATIENT: Please help me. I keep getting the D.T’s, and I don’t even drink—okay, maybe a few measly ounces of gin to get me through the evening news. DOCTOR: That’s horrible. But first things first: Are you an immigrant? PATIENT: Aren’t we all? DOCTOR: Don’t change the subject. Are you il-lee-gal? PATIENT: I was born out of wedlock; does that count? DOCTOR: It might; we’ll see. PATIENT: About my D.T.’s— DOCTOR: Here, swallow this; it will help you stop worrying. Did you know that NASA is spending billions to send a probe to Saturn’s moon Triton? That money could pay for a wall! PATIENT: You’re thinking of Titan. Triton is one of Neptune’s moons. DOCTOR: Whatever. Don’t believe what you read in almanacs and encyclopedias. Just so you know, the National Rifle Association is going to clean up this horrible mess, believe me. PATIENT: What mess? DOCTOR: Haven’t you been listening to me? The ill-ee-gals! PATIENT: All I want to know is how to get rid of my DT’s. It’s not like I can switch off the news, not when a new national crisis unfolds every day. DOCTOR: You should put more trust in your President. Can’t you see that the fake media wants to scare the bejeezus out of us? PATIENT: I’m afraid it’s happening to me right this minute, Doc—pink elephants are circling around me, trumpeting, dancing. The elephants are dancing!

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