Volume 17 The Queen Issue Spring 2018
cover photography, Victoria Cardenas | cover design, Mariah Romero | this page: photography, Victoria Cardenas
QUEENS THAT AWAKEN THE QUEEN
illustration by Lydia Abernathy
Welcome to the Queen Issue!
Here at 1905, we support Southwest businesses, artists, and
communities as each season rolls around. In this issue you can
expect to meet a variation of Queens! Artists and businesses
that are featured in this issue bring a unique flair to the Southwest
and we want to tell you all about it. Take a look at our
contributors page & index to follow and support these artists.
Spring is about getting in touch with your inner queen
whether that means focusing on your body and mind, taking on
a new persona, or just being a little extra with your style choices.
This is the season when the world gets more colorful and days
are longer for us to take in each moment before the sunsets.
WHAT MAKES YOU A QUEEN?
Darnell & Mariah
SHOP THE PAGES
SUPPORT SMALL BUSINESSES. SUPPORT BROWN
BUSINESSES. SUPPORT BLACK BUSINESSES. SUPPORT
WOMEN OWNED BUSINESSES. SUPPORT QUEER
OWNED BUSINESSES. SUPPORT ARTISTS. KNOW
WHO MADE YOUR CLOTHES. KNOW YOUR ARTISTS.
KNOW WHERE YOUR FOOD COMES FROM. BUY LO-
CAL. BUY FAIR TRADE. EAT LOCAL. BUY ITEMS THAT
MAKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
10 16 20
26 34 40
46 54 62
66 72 76
Gabriel Mendoza Weiss
illustration & design
follow our contributors
work by viewing their
websites & Instagram pages
CALL ME CURIO/US
clothing by CURIO | photography, Jenn Carrillo | art direction, Mariah Romero
styling, Darnell Thomas, Mariah Romero & Jessica Bovee | model, Selina Baca
QUEEN OF THE COURT
clothing & shoes by Goler Fine Imported Shoes
photography, Jazmin Ramirez | art direction, Mariah Romero
model, Khalah Mitchell
model & poet, Stephen Garcia | photography, Victoria Cardenas
fashion editor, Ernesto Prada | make up, Destiney Curry
assistance, Heidi Lightenburger & Markarius Williams
To be gay in the tone of brown boy
Is to love his skin in the dialect of morgue
It is to braille each kiss
Lowered hand sign “I love you”
Limit eye contact
Crutch your knees
Avoid him in public
To be gay in the tone of brown boy
Is to sing a song in the hue of Dangerous
Of fists with tempo faster than a faggot can sing to
To be choir of slit throat mocking birds
Swallowed by starving cages
It is to mold your voice a shovel
And spit your spirit in the pit
Hidden in the brass of men that would steal the solo
Of the songs you sung in the shower
Of the boy’s hands humming to the back of your skull
Of the melody you memorized in his back
The night sex became two part harmony
To concrete the soprano in your bones
To rearrange the joto in your pitch
To thicken your walk to the sound of rumors
You pray will never shake the wrong ears
It is to wear your father’s shoulders like an untuned guitar
Perform for everyone but you
To be gay in the tone of brown boy
Is to leave every note in the hands of your brothers
To let their thick mouth comments drown the tone of truth
Your body will become the dead man’s spiritual
That sings its self to sleep every night
A sweet melody of melanin and spit
Of brown and burning
Of sink or sink
Brown boy gay is the song sung through the crack and agony of Brown Boy bones
But you gon’ sing that shit anyway
It’s the note they will throttle from your throat
But not before they shred their fingers on the needles they made you swallow
The dirt they will marry to your skin
As if you ain’t ready to wed the soil
Give it the names of your past lovers
Run your fingers through its damp body and Hallelujah
Your hallelujah does not swallow itself whole
You vibrato brown boy you
The noise they’ve made of your grace
The static they’ve made you believe in
Your symphony does not buckle to silence
You choir of midnights overdosed on good sex and lone wolf children
You sudden wake of throbbing bones bursting in queer gospels
Praise the day they try to shatter your holy and rise up singing
Praise the day they try to crash your spirit into crescendo
Into broken kettledrum
To be gay in the tone of brown boy
Is to learn how to love your skin when love has become an obituary
It is to rewrite the symphony into a queer ballad of
Fuck you! We stay shedding these gay notes
Stay manifesting these rhythms
clothing by The Bookman & the Lady
photography, Marco Rivera
art direction & styling, Keynan Johnson
models, Savannah Archuleta & Aries Najahma Moody
BAD TO THE BONE
bone broth by Madre Foods | words, recipe, & photography, Andie Fuller
BONE BROTH DIET
It’s me Andie, this issue, the creators of 1905 and
Madre Foods inspired me last month to step out and
try hard things. They didn’t ask me to do this directly,
but their own presence made me feel more
confident to do more of my own thing. Health and
wellness is something that is near and dear to my
heart and mind. I’ve spent many years ignoring
my own health and needs and am just happy to be
back on the path to wellness in all aspects.
It’s because of this that I was very excited
to work with Madre Foods on sampling their bone
broth diet plan. Think of it more as a reset than a
diet, it’s not depriving in anyway. For me food can
be an easy escape from the day to day, the stress,
the feelings, the poor self-care. All of those things
can make me use food in a way that isn’t just for
fueling my body, for me resets like this diet are so
important not only for my body but for my mind. It
helps me get some perspective on areas that I need
to give more attention or things I should just keep
out of my house for awhile.
This bone broth diet helped me get some clarity
and honestly made my body feel great, overall
just better functioning and clear. Madre Foods has an
awesome selection of broths. Some of my favorites
were; Marrow Bone Broth, Super Greens, Mushroom,
and Chicken Feet. But Duck Chai, Oxtail
and Sea were just as yummy too. Having the variety
The base of this diet is including a combination
of, protein, fruits, vegetables, and fats at every meal,
with a few days of only consuming bone broth.
Don’t worry, bone broth is nutrient dense with good
fats, it’s actually filling, soothing and satisfying.
I found that making sure I could have bone
broth as a snack in the afternoon around 3-4pm
was key to me feeling great overall. I personally
do so much better consuming warm, grounding
broth over cold juices or smoothies - it’s all a balance
As spring comes and 2018 moves forward I’d
encourage you to stop and think about your own
health and needs, if your someone dealing with high
stress or some food intolerance issues, a bone broth
diet could be really great for trying to get all of that
back on track. So much of our health starts in our
guts and bone broth is such a great elixir for them!
MATZO BALL SOUP
Spring is a time of rebirth, a time of change, new
colors, new weather, new vibes. Newness and
change can be uncomfortable but they can also be
so, so great. If you’ve been around for awhile you
might know that many of my recipes in this space
are relatively easy, uncomplicated, to the point and
often involve a cocktail. It’s my comfort zone, not
venturing to far from what feels safe. But this issue
is called the Queen Issue, and part of our task as contributors
was to think, create, share something that
“projected confidence through bold colors with a
touch of softness.”
So, I tried something new. It has more ingredients,
more steps, more time but the reward is just
so sweet. My favorite soup (of all time) is matzo
ball soup. Yes really, it’s my total favorite, we’ve
been all over NYC trying the best ones. I have a
favorite place in Brooklyn but it’s so perfect I think
I’ll keep it a secret. Anyway, back to the soup and
this project. I was thrilled to get the opportunity to
work and collaborate with Katelyn Hilburn from
Madre Foods, here in Santa Fe. I’ve known Katelyn
for a few years but just as a passerby really. My first
meeting with her and 1905 was just, honestly so
soul sparking to me. To see her passion, her presence
and her product blew me away and made me
happy all at once. It’s no surprise that someone who
is making such wholesome cups of warm goodness
is so warm, and bright herself.
It’s because of this inspiring meeting I wanted
to branch out for both Madre Foods and for 1905
and try something harder. So, it’s my first attempt
at “Matzo” Ball Soup. Matzo is used lightly here
because this recipe is gluten free and is made by
combining ground turkey and garbanzo bean flour.
Me being the matzo ball soup conosurer I am, I
ate up my cookbooks trying to pull on old world
inspiration but some modern twists on making sure
I was making this gluten free. To be honest, when I
made the “matzo” ball mixture, I thought I had for
sure failed, but in the end I didn’t, it turned out so
delicious, it had a complex flavour that was pretty
perfect. If you haven’t cooked with bone broth before,
you’re missing out. It adds so much to soups,
that stocks just can’t - it creates this ultra satisfying,
creamy, umami flavour.
I’m hoping this spring I continue to find more
time to be, to create, to take the time to do hard things,
this recipe proved to me that the risk can sometime be
I hope you try it and if you do, be sure to pick
up some Marrow broth from Madre Foods - it’s just
a match made in heaven for this recipe.
INGREDIENTS & INSTRUCTIONS
WHAT YOU NEED
1 ½ teaspoon ground cardamom
1 teaspoon ground turmeric
2 Tablespoons avocado oil
2 small yellow onions
4 cloves garlic, chopped
1 Lemon and Lime
Fresh spinach leaves
Salt and pepper
2 cups garbanzo bean flour
1 lb ground turkey
4 cups bone broth (Madre Foods: Marrow
4 cups filtered water
3 cups of chicken or veggie stock
3 carrots, cut thin
3 stalks celery, cut thin
15oz can of chickpeas, drained
WHAT YOU DO
Matzo Ball Prep (24 hours before soup)
Use blender/food processor to puree onions.
In a medium bowl combine pureed onions, egg,
chopped garlic, turmeric, cardamom, avo oil,
salt and pepper. Mix until well incorporated.
Add garbanzo bean flour and ground turkey.
Stir gently to combine mixture.
Cover and put in the refrigerator for 24 hours.
After 24 hours in the refrigerator, form little
dumplings with your hands. It will help to
keep a bowl of cold water next to you to
keep your hands wet while forming the sticky
“dough”. Try to shape them into ping-pong
The Rest Of The Stuff:
Heat your bone broth, water, chicken/veggie
stock in a large stockpot until boiling.
Carefully drop the matzo balls into the hot
broth, one at a time.
Turn down to a low simmer and cover. Allow
to simmer for 45 minutes.
After 45 minutes, remove the matzo balls
from the broth and set aside to rest.
It’s time to add the sliced celery and carrots,
and the drained can of chickpeas to the both.
Allow to come to a boil, turn down heat,
cover and simmer for 15 minutes.
Add juice of a fresh lemon to soup.
Add fresh spinach to bowl, 4 or 5 matzo balls
and as much broth as you like, top with fresh
chopped dill and parsley (don’t skimp on the
Serve with a lime wedge and salt and pepper!
jewelry by Annie Hackett
photography, Miles Brooks & Ysidro Barela
art direction, Darnell Thomas & Jacquie Bear
makeup, Jacquie Bear
model, Jasper Shorty
INTERVIEW WITH STELLA MARIA BAER
ABOUT THE PAINT PIGMENTS SHE CREATES,
HER CONNECTION TO THE SOUTHWEST
& ETHICAL FASHION CHOICES
images courtesy of Stella Maria Baer
HOW DID YOU GET INTO PAINTING
Growing up in Santa Fe art was always part of our life as
a family. My mother was a weaver and my father owned
an art gallery. My grandmother was a sculptor and my
grandfather was a photographer. But I never thought of it
as something I wanted to do until after college.
I started painting eleven years ago. For many years
my paintings and drawings were a secret practice that
I showed to almost no one. While in graduate school
I got a job working for artist Titus Kaphar as a studio
and research assistant. Titus cast a vision for me for
what it meant to be a working artist. He gave me critiques
on my paintings and answered questions I had
about techniques, materials, and color. Titus taught
me to listen to my work. In graduate school I took studio
classes in painting and drawing, and in one class
the professor assigned a hundred paintings a week. In
those classes and in the critiques with Titus my painting
moved from being something private to out in the
open. At some point during those years I realized I
wanted to be a painter.
Photography was more of an experiment that eventually
became a medium. My grandfather was a landscape
and architectural photographer. When my brother
and I were little he used to take us on trips to Point Lobos
in Big Sur. We’d shoot with disposable cameras while
he worked with a large format 8 x 10” camera that he
would haul out into the landscape. Watching him take
photographs as a child still haunts me, especially when
I’m lugging my camera and easel out into a sand dune to
take a photograph or paint. In middle school I learned
how to shoot film on one of my grandfather’s cameras
and develop photographs in a dark room. But I didn’t
really view photography as a medium I wanted to work
in until I took a road trip through the Four Corners region
in 2014, and started shooting abstract landscapes.
Taking photographs helped me to see something I had
been blind to growing up.
HOW DO YOU JUGGLE BEING A MOM
& WORKING AS AN ARTIST?
It is difficult! But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Logistically
it is a puzzle. Some weeks I don’t get much done
in the studio and spend all my time with Wyeth. His baby
years are flying by, and I love and treasure my time with
him. Other months I’m in the middle of a big project
and need to work full time and really give myself to the
painting. On a good day my life as a mother offers a refuge
from my life as a painter, and vice versa. I value my
time in the studio more now than when I was working
in there every day 9-5. And I appreciate my time with
Wyeth more when I’ve had a chance to give voice to the
visions in my head.
ARE YOU FEELING ANY CREATIVE
TRAITS YET FROM YOUR BABY?
Good question. Wyeth is so free with dirt and paint. I love
watching him create things without any sense of what he
should or shouldn’t do. Making something is pure sensory
experience for him without any regard for the end. I have
a lot to learn from him.
HOW DOES THE SOUTHWEST INFLU-
ENCE YOUR WORK?
Most of my work is a meditation on the cyclical, almost
gravitational pull I feel to New Mexico. When I was in
high school I wanted to leave the southwest and never
come back. I went to college and graduate school in the
northeast and didn’t think I’d ever live in that part of
the country again. Then five years ago my husband Seth
and I took a road trip through southern New Mexico
and for the first time I fell in love with where I was from.
Photographing the landscape opened my eyes to some-
thing I hadn’t been able to see when I was younger. A
couple months later I drove through the Four Corners
region, places we’d gone to often as a family on road trips
growing up, but that I’d forgotten. When I got back to
my studio I couldn’t stop thinking about that part of the
country — the history, the mythology, the fragile, sacred
beauty. I found in moons and planets I could explore
what haunted me in the desert while still moving into
another space. In painting celestial spheres I found a way
to wrestle with a sense of feeling at home in a place that
looks like another world. There is a mythology of the
desert in the cosmology of space.
TELL US ABOUT THE PAINT PIGMENTS
A couple summers ago I was painting outside in Abiquiu
when the wind knocked over my easel. The painting was
wet and filled with dirt. I realized it made sense that the
landscape should become a part of the painting. I started
reading about making my own pigments and experimented
with making paint from the sands I’d collect on
road trips. I’m slowly building a collection of color made
from sand, dirt, and cacti.
YOUR STYLE SEEMS VERY MINDFUL, HOW
DO YOU CHOOSE WHAT YOU AND YOUR
Honestly most days I wear a dirty paint jumpsuit and
Wyeth just runs around in his diaper. But I love clothing
made from natural materials that echo the colors and
lines in the landscapes that haunt my work. We try to
only support independent designers whose pieces are
ethically made, who are honest about where their fab
rics come from and how their workers are treated. That
means buying Wyeth’s clothing a size bigger so it will last
longer, shopping at thrift stores, having fewer things but
the things we do have being things we love and save up
for. It also means that when I get out of a jumpsuit I tend
to wear the same thing over and over.
wrestling with my owns sense of being more exposed than
DESCRIBE YOUR STYLE
80s mystic naturalist space age painter cowboy
HOW WAS IT PAINTING A MURAL? WAS
THIS YOUR FIRST ONE? TELL US ALL
The mural took forever! The painting is of the 48 moons
closest to the sun, to scale, arranged according to their
closeness to the sun. I made a decision not to use traditional
mural techniques but rather build up textures and paint it
by hand like my other paintings, so that it would feel continuous
with my other work. That meant it took a lot longer
than expected. It was so physical, working at that scale, outside
in the sun, and I was exhausted at the end of every day.
But I had dreamed of making a painting that size for many
years, and when the owner of the restaurant approached
me I knew it was something I wanted to do. I loved being
able to interact with strangers on the street walking by as I
was making it. And I love having my work be visible in such
a great neighborhood in Denver.
WHAT INSPIRES YOUR BOOB PAINT-
When I became a mother my body became my baby’s
landscape. For the first few months especially the mother
is the baby’s whole world. Making these paintings was an
attempt to honor the wonder-working female body while
ever before through breastfeeding. I asked friends to send
me photographs of their bodies and painted the forms in
celebration of all the different colors, shapes, and sizes.
Our culture usually portrays breasts in ways that are for
men or by men - I wanted to look women’s bodies as part
of a different conversation, for women and by women.
We’re at a moment in history when women are reclaiming
their bodies and voices in a way they haven’t before, and
these paintings are part of that movement.
WOULD YOU SAY YOUR FEMININITY
PLAYS A ROLE IN YOUR ART?
It’s interesting, a male painter once told me not to work in
watercolor or pastel colors because people would associate
that with “women’s art” and not take my work seriously. I’ve
returned to watercolor and adobe pinks and browns again
and again. It seems like people respond most to my work
when I ignore that advice.
models, Gevan Wegener, Josh Vredevoogd, Leo III Alexander
clothing by Happy Loco | photography, lighting, styling, Anissa Amalia
art direction by Darnell Thomas
MALCOLM MORGAN AS COCO CALIENTE | MISS PRIDE | SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO
COCO GIVES US HER INSIGHT ON APPRECIATING WOMANHOOD, WHAT IN-
SPIRES HER STYLE AND WHAT MAKES HER FEEL LIKE A QUEEN.
Let’s start with the understanding that I appreciate
women, like crazy! Women are tough, work hard,
and can balance this with being loving and maternal.
Every aspect of a woman is beautiful; the
physical, the spiritual and the emotional. I try to
embody all of these traits within CoCo to give the
best impersonation of a woman that I can. Womanhood
can be fierce at times, and after countless
hours of becoming one, I walk away with even
more respect for the women in my life. As CoCo,
I try to combine all the entities that make me the
strong woman that straddles the fence of femininity
and masculinity. One of my friends, Donna Bella,
calls me mamma! She doesn’t know it, but every
time she does, it tugs my heartstrings and makes
aspire to one day be as strong as a woman. One
of my biggest goals is to become a parent to many
children. I want to provide for them the love and
happiness that my parents failed to provide for me.
I have had the honor of watching many queens
around me, and have learned from all of them,
how to be a great mother!
What makes me feel like a queen is respect, love,
and power. You must respect my body, my presence,
my decisions. I’ll respect yours and do not
mind letting you know when you are not respecting
mine. Love is another thing that makes me feel
like a queen. I love easily, and I love hard, but I
can also deliver some tough love when it is needed.
Knowing what type of love is needed for each
occasion makes me feel like a queen when I’m a
queen. Power is the final thing that makes me feel
like a queen. If I were to be a real queen reigning
over a kingdom, I would be a benevolent queen.
But as for now, I am a queen the reins within my
own body, my temple, my kingdom. The power I
admire is one of kindness, being in control of my
emotions and commanding respect with my presence.
Power does not mean that I need money, that
I need the biggest house and all the world’s richest.
Power to me is more internal; it is a vibe, an energy
that emanates from within and draws others to me
West Texas Tee | El Cosmico | Marfa, Texas
A KISS FROM MARFA
photography, Hayley Rheagan | art direction, Mariah Romero
styling, Darnell Thomas | model, Jasmin Adams
Editors, Darnell Thomas & Mariah Romero visit Marfa, Texas and discover its
dreamy, small town charm. They gathered unique pieces from local shops & created
looks based on what they’d recommend wearing to Marfa.
Ashley Rowe Hoodie | Ashley Rowe | Marfa, Texas
Tote Bag | Do Your Thing Coffee | Marfa, Texas
EVERY CARD TURNED
WHAT THE QUEEN OF CUPS TAUGHT ME ABOUT
ART, LOVE, AND ENDINGS by Maggie Grimason
The Queen sits on the edge of the sea, her feet cloaked in a
sky colored coat, resting on a mound of round seashells. A
beachy scrim of light blue and sheer golden cliffs surround
her. The Queen of Cups belongs to the element of water,
so it matters, then, that she came to me on an island.
I sat on moss covered rocks around a driftwood fire
while he cooked nettles over an open flame. The Salish
Sea lapped rhythmically, bioluminescence faintly glimmering
on each wave while the far North sun lingered on the
horizon until well near 11pm. That is the place where the
Queen sits enthroned. Later on, we troubled the water to
agitate the lights and see them spark. He, spooning nettles
and avocado into a tortilla for me. His dog laying between
us. Then, nearly three years later, we broke apart in the
desert during a year of a drought. The inverse of the water
element, the card turned on its head.
Again and again—the card turned up. The card
turned over. Fish, sea nymphs, shells surfacing with each
reading. The unconscious mind, the encroaching water. It
felt almost like a threat.
I shuffled myself into a small room at Blue Eagle Metaphysical
and sat down with Rev. Rhonda Harris-Choudhry—a
metaphysician and empath—with my questions held close.
My partner and I had then been broken up for five months,
and while the mourning had yet to really happen, what I
wanted to know was why the Queen of Cups kept coming up
again and again for me. As I a waded through in a quest to understand
Her, I had three advisors—Harris-Choudry, Heather
Enders, maker of the Tarot of Plants, and my youngest
sister, Maureen, and her mystical eye.
In December Maureen had given me two readings
where the Queen of Cups came up twice—as a significator,
indicating “what’s at hand,” and once, in a position illumining
the future. It made me feel confident—Maureen’s
book enumerated the meanings: calm, intuition, emotional
security, compassion, spirituality, tenderheartedness, all
with a suitable undercurrent of moodiness. I think that’s
just the way of water.
I asked Harris-Choudhry about the card and the answer
came immediately, “Oh, she’s the queen of hearts. It
has a connection to love. What’s been going on with that?”
And like floodgate opening, I told her about the Capricorn
(that turned out to be significant) who I had met on
the seashore and had left me feeling the opposite of what
the Queen of Cups card seemed to tell me—I was less than
emotionally secure. She unpacked her psychic’s tarot deck
and gave me a reading about he and I. “Let’s see what the
outcome is if you stay in this relationship,” she said purposefully
as she shuffled the cards.
She laid them down and I saw a trajectory play out—
there was heartache and loss and new beginnings. I braced
myself. “No worries, no fears,” Harris-Choudhry cooed
when she noticed, in a tranquilizing voice that makes her
so apt at her work. She continued laying out the cards.
“Oh, it doesn’t look like you’re going to have a choice actually.
Yeah. You have no choice but to stay.”
Soul mates. I didn’t know if that was a relief or bad
news. “We have two soul mate cards here,” Harris-Choudry’s
jeweled hands indicated each one. “The soul mate
relationship is not what television makes it out to be. They
romanticize it. It’s actually an I-hate-you-I-love-you-comecloser-stay-back,
dramatic relationship.” This certainly
aligned with my experience. “We learn through conflict,”
Mother of Summer from Heather Enders’ Plant Tarot deck which represents the Queen of Cup
above: image courtesy of Leilah + Olive
The Queen of Cups is positioned by the water for a
reason—the water represents emotion, spirit, deep feeling. It
is a mirror, for herself and for others to see their own mysteries.
What is a relationship if it doesn’t reveal us in some way
to ourselves? I had spent three years learning to see myself
the way he had ever seen me—as smart, calm, able, compassionate.
Traits that had contrasted the emotional intensity
and toughness I often saw in him.
Like the closed chalice she holds closely to her, the Queen
of Cups treasures the people she forges connections with—
which perhaps makes letting go harder. An experience that
had always, and this time too, unmoored me. Breaking up
feels so earth-shaking every time, but most of us feel that particular
grief at some point—there’s not much special about
it, though every time is totally particular and completely devastating.
It seems universal, too, that we feel alone wading
through it. “Queen cards can have this callousness to them,”
Heather Enders had explained over the phone from her home
base in Taos, “because they’ve gone through so much, they can
be kind of bitter, moody, or victimize themselves, see things as
overblown.... It’s a good reminder not to do that.”
In Enders’ deck, The Tarot of Plants, she assigns the
Cups suit as the suit of Summer, and the Queen as Mother.
As such, the Queen of Cups is the Mother of Summer, and
is represented by Kava Root. “She’s second in command
to the High Priestess,” she explained. Kava has the ability
to open the mind, relax into and accept the world with
compassion. “But take too much of it, and it will turn your
stomach. It embodies the clarity of the Queen of Cups, but
it has the warning, too.”
In Enders’ deck the rounded edges of the triangular
leaves unfold across the matte card, simple and uncluttered.
On this card in Leilah + Olive’s Ophidia Rosa tarot deck,
the deck Maureen used for my readings, a left hand extends
from beyond the frame, cuffed in a frilly unbuttoned blouse.
Plants trail up her hand to her darkly painted fingernails.
Five burning candles float above each fingertip. Closed
buds bloom on either side of the open palm. I saw the light
and clarity of the imagery—the feminine hand open to the
negative space, a certain element of growth inherent in the
Three times. We had broken up in two seasons and
had talked about it in two more—September, December,
and October of the following year. We spent a night sleeping
in the mountains, each quietly, separately, planning to
break up with the other, but then not following through.
Two months later, we sat side-by-side on the couch outlining
what we each knew to be true. We were so almost right.
So close to perfect, but something fundamental, something
that felt unnameable but vital, missed the center mark.
Without any fear because it felt impossible that the connection
would evaporate—we broke up. For months we continued
sleeping side by side and spending nearly every night
together, until we broke up for real in January.
So, it felt like Enders was speaking directly to me, not
just talking about a card when she said, “You’re getting
close to the end of something. You can view the royal family
as a progression, like the phases of the moon. The king
is the very end, like the new moon, the younger ones are
the beginning phases, the queen is just gotten to the end
point. You’re still figuring out how to process everything
and where to put it.”
It’s hard to know when you’ve reached the end of the
end, and have moved firmly, gratefully into new beginnings
and waxing moons. I realized—holding firmly to the truth
of what Harris-Choudhry had to tell me—that we learn
through conflict, yes, and we also learn through endings.
Endings create the internal upheaval we sometimes need
to learn about the strength of our own convictions. When
we’re brave enough to ask for help, we also learn about the
stuff that makes our friends. “If you have a good base level
understanding of a card,” Enders had told me, “then, you
can interpret it for yourself.”
What I came to understand for myself about the
Queen of Cups is that she is someone to aspire to—her intuition,
her fluidity, her emotional honesty and the way she
surrenders to love when it reaches her shores, creating new
terrain in its wake. I feel like I am her, or more accurately,
am trying to become what she represents. Perhaps most
strongly, I see her reflected in the women around me—my
sister, Rhonda Harris-Choudhry, and Heather Enders, and
other intuitive women in my life who took the time to guide
me to an understanding of the card. The myriad friends
that nurture me and encourage me toward greatness. I take
heart from the card itself, which offers proof that throughout
the nearly six hundred years that people have been using
the tarot, that being tenderhearted has always been a
“You have to be honest with yourself when you’re doing
tarot,” Enders told me near the close of our conversation.
And that’s precisely what the Queen of Cups had
asked of me—to try to understand Her, and in doing so,
to test my own understanding of love in the many shapes it
takes. With every card turned, the Queen of Cups revealed
a new face—some familiar and some not so much—and as
I learned to identify her qualities, I saw her all around me,
as a promise of good things to come.
Jewelry by Genuine & Ginger
photography & styling, Gabriel Mendoza Weiss | set design, Gabriela Cobar
hair, Lauren Mackellar | model, Isabel Durant
dress by Bright Volumes
louse by Bright Volumes
matching top & pants by Bright Volumes
Metal. Fabric. Dream. Make. Play. Jump. Swing. Hand Made.New Mexico.
Find her work at Keep Contemporary, Santa Fe. Instagram @keepcontemporaryofficial
THE BOOKMAN & THE LADY
“We like to consider ourselves fairly literate people, and it is with this in mind that we have taken this approach
to internet shopping. Slightly tongue in cheek at times, often unabashedly geeky, but always with the
desire to convey the magic of real objects...be they books or clothes or perhaps the odd bit of ephemera we
“Curio is a women’s boutique offering an elevated shopping experience for the thoughtful consumer. We offer
a variety of clothing, shoes, accessories, shoes, jewelry and apothecary items. At Curio we like to showcase
smaller independent designers that focus on sustainability, but we also carry a few name brand favorites.”
GENUINE & GINGER
“Genuine & Ginger began in a modest studio in New Mexico in 2015. We create jewelry and home decor
with a warm toned minimalist aesthetic.
We don’t do trendy, we don’t do fast fashion, and we don’t do excess. We like minimal, high quality design.
We love seeing women live passionate, powerful, and joyful lives in the things we create.
Our feet are deeply planted in our local community. We use our resources to empower & employ local
women to break through generational cycles of abuse, oppression, and hardship.”
“Goler Fine Imported Shoes brings 30 years of experience and four generations of fashion savvy to historic
Santa Fe. Here you can always find products for your special event and products for the office that stand up
to your after-hours pursuits. While glamour and sophistication are given, we also carry products that will
keep the spring in your step while you walk the farmers market.”
“Fashion art wear and found items by Jeremy Salazar. Happy Loco’s mission is to provide a door for self-expression
and realization through fashion, art and community. We are all about giving wings to those who
wish to fly or don’t know they can fly yet.”
“Madre Foods originates from a legacy of mothers cooking for their families, nurturing the people they love.
Generational wisdom has perfected each handcrafted recipe. Our broths & stocks, and nourishing food specials
are all made in a labor of love. We are extending our table to anyone looking to be nourished.”
photography, Victoria Cardenas from Holy Brown Gay Boy
the Queen issue