CCChat-Magazine_10

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CCChat Magazine

Conference

Companion

The Magazine on Coercive Control

Issue 10

4th June 2018

Sponsored By

The Freedom Programme

Chapter 2

Exclusive Serialisation of Freedom's Flowers

by Pat Craven

Between a Rock and a Safe Place

Resident Columnist Jennifer Gilmour on Rockpool

Our partners:

Zero Tolerance Bristol & Speak Out Project

Making The

Invisible Visible


Editor's Notes

ABOUT THE EDITOR:

Min Grob started Conference

on Coercive Control in June

2015 following a relationship

that was coercive and

controlling.

Since then, there have been

three national conferences,

various speaking

engagements and a monthly

online publication- CCChat

Magazine.

2018 will see the start of

CCChat Live Discussion

Groups as well as details of

the next Conference on

Coercive Control which will

Take place at the university

of Bristol.

Min is particularly

interested in how

perpetrator tactics can be

identified and has spoken on

the challenging subject of

differentiating between

strident discourse and

deliberate baiting.

With the use of examples

from social media, various

covert tactics aimed at

provoking a response can be

identified with the aim of

creating greater awareness

of how abuse manifests when

it is invisible in plain sight.

Min also talks on coercive

control both her personal

experiences and more

generally.

Welcome to conference on

Coercive Control

Hello and a huge welcome to Conference on Coercive Control.

This is also the irst time CCChat, the online monthly publication on and

around coercive control has been printed!

It was a last minute decision thanks to a brainwave and a generous loan,

so the images aren't quite of print standard.

It's going to be a hugely informative and emotive day so may well bring

up some emotions. Please grab me for a hug if you need to. I don't

believe in safe spaces or cocooning survivors. This is the reality we live

in and to navigate it, we need to build resilience, be empowered and

not feel ashamed of our humanity.

What makes this conference diferent is that most of the education,

awareness raising and connections occur away from the conference so,

by being here today, you are part of a big journey to

Make The Invisible Visible

I sincerely hope you stay for the ride.

Let's grow the

conversation!

Let's Grow the Conversation!

Min x

Editor contact details:

contact@coercivecontrol.co.

uk

Photo by Alex Kilbee of

https://www.museportraits.co

.uk/

Making The Invisible Visible 2018


FREEDOM'S FLOWERS

by Pat Craven

Chapter 2 – Pregnancy

‘A woman is three times more likely to be injured

when she is pregnant.’

(Refuge 2007)

When I ask the abusive men who attend my courses

why this may be the case, they have given me some

very interesting answers. They said: ‘She is fat and

ugly’, ‘She is hormonal’ (This implies it is her fault).

‘Well you don’t use violence until you have got your

feet under the table do you? Clearly when she is

pregnant you can get away with it.’

When we are assaulted, they usually kick the unborn

child and the baby can die. However, most of us do not

make the connection between being assaulted and

miscarrying. Sometimes, we realise years later when

we are away from the Dominator and are attending the

Freedom Programme.

This was written by Orchid

...My ex husband more than likely caused my baby's

death. I woke up at 38 weeks pregnant at 8.30 am in

absolute agony. I kept getting up and passing out.

When I was unconscious, he dragged me back to bed.

Since it first started I was pleading with him to call

for help but he refused. I thought I was in labour and I

was in no position to get help. He kept saying, ‘You

will be in trouble if there is nothing wrong’.

I woke up on HDU in the delivery suite with tubes and

wires coming out of me. The section had taken four

hours and my little girl weighed 7lbs 1oz. I was told,

after that, my blood pressure was 80/20 and that my

blood count was five.

I had a transfusion and they were going to do a

hysterectomy that night if things didn't improve. They

removed a blood clot from inside that weighed 450

grams.

I was told afterwards that my child could have been

revived if I had got help immediately and not been

delayed by two hours. They said I had been so close to

death that my BP was in my boots.

I was 23 years old.

This same husband had previously strangled me, beat

me at 27 weeks in a previous pregnancy and used to

sexually assault me on a regular basis. My elder kids

don't know him. My daughters never want to meet

him. They don't know what happened in detail but

they know he was violent...

I didn't know then, but I was dying. Two hours later,

at 10.30, he called the ambulance and, as he did so, he

said, ‘This had better be important’. When the

ambulance arrived, he didn't come with me. The

paramedics put on the flashing blues and took me to

the delivery suite. They got a portable monitor and

told me my baby was dead. I was taken for a crash

section. I had a placental abruption.

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


Dahlia

...I attended three day training with you in 2011.

With that, and reading everyone’s messages on

the forum, I have found I want to deal with my

demons. It has been years since I suffered

horrendous abuse from my husband and ended

up in hospital on more than one occasion. I have

never talked to anyone about what I went

through.

Now, after having worked in a women's refugeas

a support worker for the last 10 years, I am

suddenly experiencing flashbacks and often think

of those bleak times in my life. After seeing you

are writing a book with women's experiences, I

wondered if there is anything I can help you with

from what happened with me.

I was newly-married and fell pregnant with my

first baby and couldn't get over the slap I got

from my husband for not doing something how

he wanted. I was stunned, but soon forgave him

after listening to the excuses he gave about why it

had happened (I was more gullible in those

days!). This soon became another slap, and so on.

I was about four months pregnant when he

started to argue with me when we were in the

street walking home. He pushed me then dropped

me like a sack of potatoes on the ground. I went

down with such a force, and landed square on my

bottom. A sharp pain seared through my body. I

got up, he laughed and we went home.

That evening I started to bleed and had pains in

my stomach. The doctor advised bed rest but

nothing worked. My baby died, I ended up in

hospital and had an operation to remove what

was left.

That was one of the most horrendous moments I

ever went through amongst all the other things. I

didn't realise at the time it was connected to

domestic abuse. It was only after being a support

worker and coming on the training and running

the Freedom Programme that I realised, if he

hadn't dropped me to the ground, my baby may

have not died.

Before this, I had never made the connection

between the domestic abuse I suffered and the

loss of my baby. I don't know if I have explained

it very well, but I have found, as soon as I start to

type about incidents, I get lost and it all seeps

out. I have held all this in for so long...

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


Bluebell

…My dad kicked my mum in the stomach and

assaulted her in many ways and I was born with a

hole in my heart, and it made me very weak and small

as a child and I missed a lot of school as I was always

in hospital. I was always the smallest and weakest

throughout my childhood and got bullied for being

like that. Then, as an adult, I fell for abusers, so

maybe I could say thanks to my dad for that sort of

life....

Dominators refuse to let us rest when we are

pregnant. They do not help us to look after our

other children and make continuous sexual

demands.

Rose wrote this, with hindsight, after she had

completed the Freedom Programme:

Daisy

...We had been trying for a baby. We were having a

row, don’t know what about. He dragged me off the

bed and along the landing and was going to throw me

down the stairs and out of the house. I escaped and

ran back to the bedroom.

I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time and then,

three weeks later, I had a miscarriage at seven weeks

gestation. I look back now and think maybe he caused

that.

…..This was my situation when I was pregnant, and

still with the Dominator. I remember what it was like

for me. I am stressed and have high anxiety. This is

being passed to my unborn child. I had four

miscarriages before having my first son. A cause was

never found. I keep bleeding. I am so scared that I will

lose this baby too.

I feel hideous. I hate being pregnant. He calls me fat

and ugly. I don’t look after myself correctly. I can’t

afford to eat enough healthy foods because he keeps

all the money. I am scared if this baby will be healthy.

I am sure my baby will be underweight.

Dominators refuse to let us rest when we are pregnant.

They do not help us to look after our other children and make continuous sexual

demands.

Of course, I will never know for sure and, at the time, I

justified his behaviour by saying, ‘Well, he didn’t know

I was pregnant’. But we were trying for a baby, and you

don’t do that to someone you are trying to have a baby

with.

When I was seven months pregnant, he threatened to

shut me up by smacking me in the face. I always felt

that he wasn’t violent toward me when I was pregnant,

but I think I just decided to forget the times he was

violent with me out of a kind of survival thing. I was

too worried about being on my own with a baby, so I

stayed with him despite the violence throughout all my

pregnancies...

Babies who have been assaulted in the womb can be

damaged and suffer from epilepsy or cerebral palsy. As

mothers, we very rarely make this connection...

I hardly sleep and I am so tired. I have to keep him

company all night and massage his feet. I keep

making mistakes the next day because I’m tired. I feel

like I’m going mad, so I keep going to the doctors for

depression. I can’t rest at all because he won’t help

look after the other children.

How will I manage with another child? I don’t think I

want it. Will I love this baby? I am pushed out of the

bed to sleep on the floor and it hurts my back. My

baby can hear all the noise and he becomes so

unsettled in my stomach.

I am worried whether my baby’s organs will be OK. I

drink to forget about the affairs he keeps having. I

want to stop, but I can’t face my life. I get locked out

the house late at night with no clothes on. I keep

getting chest infections…

NEXT ISSUE: CHAPTER THREE - The Newborn Baby

Reproduced with kind permission of Pat Craven

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


CCChat Magazine is now

on Patreon.

If you have enjoyed reading this

magazine and would like to be

a part of developing and

improving it, please consider

becoming a patron and help

create a bigger platform for

MAKING THE INVISIBLE

VISIBLE

https://www.patreon.com/

user?u=5609243

For further detail please contact

Min on

contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk

contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk


Jennifer Gilmour

on life changing training with

Rockpool

"Those who have experienced abuse deserve to be able to find the road to recovery, to

reclaim their lives and be free from the voice that can hold you prisoner for years."

Jennifer Gilmour

For those of you who don’t know me, my journey was about

to start when I was sat as a client on a Recovery Toolkit

Programme.

When I looked around at the other women that sat beside me

I wondered why we were sat getting educated about what we

had been through and why it didn’t seem visible that

domestic abuse was spoken about, it felt almost taboo.

For me I was a victim of coercive control and whilst the

facilitators of the course understood what I was telling them

and believed me, it was hard for other services to understand

what I was trying to explain.

The programme changed my life because I decided to take a

stand and tell my story, After I published my first book

Isolation Junction I decided I needed to thank the person

who created this programme as well as inform them of my

achievement.

I also wanted to get my hands on some of the material and

have some support for the next book in the series. I had no

idea that it would lead to some training. I was honoured to

attend the training course to become a facilitator of the

Recovery Toolkit Programme later last year.

I encourage any workers and volunteers to seek out this

training because it is presented in a way that educates and

nurtures the attendees, making sure that the clients are

ready to be informed on certain subject matters within the

sessions. I should mention at this point that this is a 12 week

course to go on as a client. It became apparent that my result

is in fact of the aim of the programme and I wasn’t aware of

this at all.

Read my full view on their training programme on blog post:

https://jennifergilmour.com/life-changing-training/

Watch my recent thoughts on the training and my personal

thoughts on my Youtube vide here: http://bit.ly/RTKvideo

Since then I have been invited to speak at a couple of Rock

Pool Roadshows, It was an experience I won’t forget and I

enjoy the company of Rock Pool.

If you are lucky to talk to the staff or go on their training you

will discover they are all informative, helpful, inspiring and

professional. I have never been made to feel inadequate

whilst in the company of any of the Rock Pool team.

Their programmes change lives, those who have

experienced abuse deserve to be able to find the road to

recovery, to reclaim their lives and be free from the voice that

can hold you prisoner for years. I know I would have found it

difficult to move on with my life and in fact may have never

come to terms with what I had experienced.

Jennifer Gilmour Author, Advocate & Mum #AbuseTalk host

www.jennifergilmour.com

#CCCBri

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