The Crocodile - March 2017 - Senioritis

Dance Marathon at the University of Florida is a yearlong effort
that culminates in a 26.2-hour event where over 800 students
stay awake and on their feet to symbolize the obstacles faced
by children with serious illnesses or diseases. Each year, DM at
UF raises funds and awareness for UF Health Shands Children’s
Hospital, our local Children’s Miracle Network Hospital, in
Gainesville, FL. Our contributions are used where they are
needed the most, including, but not limited to, purchasing
life-saving medical equipment, funding pediatric research and
purchasing diversionary activities for the kids. As the largest
student-run philanthropy in the Southeast, DM at UF has raised
over $12.4 million For The Kids, and revealed a grand total of
$2.4 million in 2016.
Visit floridadm.org to learn more about what we do and for ways
to get involved!

Meet Bailey
Bailey A. was born with a rare chromosomal condition called Turner Syndrome, in which the female is
missing an X chromosome. Turner Syndrome occurs in one in every 2,000 female births. Some symptoms
are heart and kidney defects, hearing or eyesight problems, short stature, swollen hands and feet,
scoliosis, learning disabilities, and even infertility. When Bailey was born, her family had never heard
of Turner Syndrome, and her parents resorted to the Internet for information. Bailey was home for 3
days and then spent the next three weeks of her life in the cardiac NICU having a repair done on the
coarctation of the aorta of her heart. She started a daily injections of growth hormones at the age of 2
and will continue to take them daily until later in her teen years. Bailey attends the UF Turner Syndrome
Clinic every four months where she is seen by many specialists including endocrinology to monitor
her growth, cardiology for EKGs and Ecos, nephrology to monitor her single kidney, psychology for
education consults, and dental as needed. In the beginning, it was hard for her family to accept this
diagnosis, but it’s easy for most people to see, now, that Bailey is just an active 6-year-old with a bubbly
personality who touches lives everywhere she goes! Bailey’s family continues to spread awareness of
Turner Syndrome by hosting Chasing Butterly Walks annually.
Join us this year as we continue
to make bigger and better miracles For The Kids like Camden!
For more information about our cause or to donate, please visit:
www.floridadm.org/donate

EDITOR’S
LETTER
Help. I graduate in 2 months.
CROCODILE
CONTRIBUTERS
Editor-in-Chief
Peyton Stahler
Amalie Batchelder
Designer
Brianna Winoski
Adam Turner
Russian-English Translator
Artyom “This won’t hurt” Zychev
Photographer
idk
Contributing Writers
Eric Heubusch
Nicolle Buchbinder
Reese Porter
Carley Carbary
Joshua Klafter
Collin West
Chance Pane
Livia Campos
Sean Burnette
Kyle Rambo
Mackenzie Patel
Sincerely,
Special thanks to:
Larry’s Giant Subs (the meatball)
The guy who picked up my
headphones in the Reitz when I
dropped them (call me)
Ms. Britt!!!!!!
Viewers like you
Poseidon
Owner/Founder/Janitor
Questions?
admin@thecrocodile.org
Advertising?
peyton@thecrocodile.org
Find us
thecrocodile.org
@ufcrocodile
There used to be facts down here, you know.
March 2017
5

DOG ALLOWED IN CLASS AS LONG
AS PROFESSOR CAN PET HIM AND
CALL HIM A GOOD BOY
It’s a “bring-your-own-treats” class, though.
Saturn
Crocodile Staff Writer
Several students have reported
that the professor of the lesser
known “Calculus 1.5” class
is allowing dogs in lecture.
Originally hidden in 4-pt font in
a footnote on the 15th page of
the syllabus, the rule has since
been tested.
“I love my 2 year old black lab
and I’m so glad she can finally
be with me 24/7 even when I’m
in class.”
Said Sarah Canis, a fourth year
student frantically trying to fulfill
her math credit.
“We don’t really learn much
about math anymore but really,
who was paying attention to that
stuff anyway?”
Canis claims she walked into
the class 5 minutes late after
Daisy, her adorable pupper,
started chasing squirrels on
the way to class. According to
her, the professor immediately
stopped class to praise the dog
and admitted he was relieved
that someone had actually read
the entire syllabus.
Ever since Canis tested
the rule, more students have
started bringing their dogs to
staff@thecrocodile.org
Phaidra looks sad, but that’s because she’s in calculus.
class regularly. Just a few of the
breeds that have been reported
were a Pomeranian, a Jack
Russell, and even a Great Dane.
“I just find Calculus to be really
boring when compared to dogs,
can you blame me?”
Said Ryan Equat, the nowbeloved
professor.
“I think next I’m going to offer
extra credit to students who
bring jars of peanut butter to
class so the dogs do that funny
thing with their mouths.”
Equat mentioned that he is
tenured so he doesn’t fear action
by the University and routinely
sends members of the staff
pictures of the puppies reading
textbooks or wearing graduation
cups to butter them up.
Equat said he looks forward to
the day someone reads the 5th
footnote of the syllabus which
clarifies attendance to class is
not required.
6 March 2017 Now it’s just incoherent rambling.

GIRL DEVELOPS CRUSH ON
BACK OF CLASSMATE’S
HEAD
After so long, it was only natural.
Anaxarete
Crocodile Staff Writer
A UF student has reportedly
developed a crush on one of
her fellow classmates after only
staring at the back of his head in
her MWF morning lecture.
Gabriella Guillard, 18, told her
friends that she sits in the same
seat in her Intro to Psychology
class every day, and after staring
at the same head of hair three
rows in front of her for a couple
of weeks she realized she had
fallen slightly in love.
“I don’t know how to describe
it,”
Guillard said, who often
doodles the head instead of
taking notes.
“Even though I’ve never seen
his face, I can tell just from
his neck and hair that he’s an
amazing guy.”
Guillard said on multiple
occasions her crush has turned
to look in her direction, but she
has sacrificed the opportunity
to look at him to avoid making
awkward contact.
Tom Jacard, 20, said he has, in
fact, noticed Guillard on multiple
occasions.
“You know that feeling you get
staff@thecrocodile.org
He must use some sort of coconut conditioner.
when you can just tell someone
is watching you?”
Jacard said.
“Well I have that for the
whole 55 minutes of every
single lecture. I even asked my
roommate to look at the back of
my neck just to make sure there
wasn’t anything weird on there
that I was missing.”
Jacard said that if he had
known Guillard was attracted
to him, or at least the back side
of him he would have made an
attempt to introduce himself
or maybe sit next to her. The
20-year-old said he can relate to
her situation, though he doesn’t
think anything will ever happen.
“I had a crush on this girl’s
ponytail in Orgo for an entire
semester. At the end of the
class I realized there were at
least 3 girls in the class with the
same ponytail and I sort of lost
interest.”
10 March 2017 The weather is perfect to shoot some hoops indoors.

CROC LIBS
Fill the void: you may not be able to fill that deep, dark space in your heart—but
luckily you can fill in these gaps no problem!
Subject: Group Project Discussion
Hey ________________________________________,
(insert group word that doesn’t show you don’t know their names)
I just wanted to check in to see how we are all doing on the project.
I finished my part in ___________________________ but I noticed no
(insert month that project was actually assigned)
one has updated our shared Google Doc since _________________.
(insert date that project was assigned)
I’m getting a little bit _________________________ that we are
(insert word less dramatic than ‘terrified’)
running out of time. I spoke to ____________________ and they said
(insert name of every other group in the class)
they have already turned theirs in. I don’t want to pressure you
guys, but we do still have ___________________ to do!
(insert every part of the project except yours)
Hope to hear from you all _________________.
(insert synonym for ASAP)
Especially you, _______________. I know you just play ____________
(deadbeat number) (phone game/dating app)
on your phone every meeting but that doesn’t exempt you from
doing __________________.
(most crucial part of the project that everyone else’s work depends on)
___________________
(your name)
It’s also fire prevention month.
March 2017
12

LIVE ROYALLY
CHOOSE FROM 1, 2 OR 3 BEDROOM FLOORPLANS
with all the amenities and extras you deserve
APARTMENT FEATURES
Fully Furnished
Cable Including HBO
High Speed Internet
Direct Utility Billing
In-home Washer and Dryer
Pet Friendly Apartments
Available
Pest Control
Refuse Collection
24-Hour Emergency
Maintenance
COMMUNITY
AMENITIES
Gated Community
24-Hour Fitness Center
Tennis Court
Beach Volleyball Court
Two Basketball Courts
Two Pools
Rock Climbing Wall
Computer Lab with
FREE printing
Sauna
Clubhouse
THE FLOORPLANS
WINDSOR 3BR / 3BA starts at $450
HARTFORD 2BR / 2BA starts at $534
MANCHESTER 1 BR / 1 BA starts at $805
Billiards
2777 SW Archer Rd. Gainesville, FL 32608
352.377.2777 ■ oxfordmanor.org
Bring this ad in for a
WAIVED
APPLICATION FEE *
*
With approved 12 month lease
Prices and specials subject to change.

JENNINGS HALL
COLLAPSES AFTER
STUDENT LEANS ON WALL
The wall had the leaning capacity of only a half-full backpack.
Hoplite
Crocodile Staff Writer
Jennings Hall is in ruins
after a student leaned on
one of its walls Sunday.
Freshman engineering major
Rin Zolar was listening to her
roommate complain about the
new good life syllabus when
she got bored and lounged on
a wall. This slight weight sent
a crack down to the building’s
foundation, causing the entire
structure to collapse.
“When I payed the $20,000
dollar semester rent, I thought
I knew what I was getting into,”
said Zolar. “I didn’t realize it
would be this bad.”
Zolar’s roommate Lucy Frisk
was one of the thirty casualties
of this accident.
“I warned everyone about
the dorm’s fragility at the floor
meeting.”
RA Sally Allotrope explained.
“I even had each student sign
off that they understood,”
She said, holding up a sheet of
paper containing one signature.
Although Zolar received
no physical damage thanks
to a sentient sand shield that
protected her from the rubble,
staff@thecrocodile.org
This rubble and 18 preview lanyards are all that’s left of the dorm.
her mental scars are beyond
repair. She is currently receiving
counseling from the UF
Psychology Clinic, where she is
26th on the waitlist.
In order to garner enough
funding to purchase the Chinese
drywall that will make up the
new Jennings Hall, the UF
Department of Housing has
announced a dorm tax. All
students living in a UF owned
residence hall will have to pay a
$20 dollar tribute every time they
would like to use the elevator,
$25 if they live in Beaty Towers.
Zolar and the rest of the
former Jennings residents have
been assigned new places to
live, although the dorms are all
full. Many were sent to the new
Chemistry building, with the
express instruction not to touch
anything glowing or cat call the
construction workers.
18 March 2017 Pie day is special because pizzas are on sale.

Becoming a librarian in Marston or Library
West requires 4 years of intensive shadowing
and training. With each year, the trainee
moves up a level in the building. The
librarians that manage the upper floors of
UF’s librarians are some of the most qualified
and highly regarded. Just last year Marianne
Coops from Marston Library was given the
award for quickest shusher in the state with a
record of 1.78 seconds.
As a college student, there are probably a lot of
things you don’t know. Here are some of them.
Tens of thousannds of students
have done the exact same
homework you’re doing now.
But you’re different. You’re
better. You have the internet
now.
Fact
no.
84
Fact
no.
163
Fact
no.
965
Fact
no.
22
At least 25% of the computers at UF are now
considered historic artifacts. As qualified by
the Florida Association for Historic Technology,
anything over 25 years old is protected by their
conservation laws. So next time your computer
takes 15 minutes just to open an email, think
twice before kicking what is actually a valued
relic!
The new Plaza of the Americas is actually a puzzle that took
over 6 years to craft. To solve the puzzle requires an aerial
view of campus, an extensive knowledge of geometry
and access to UF’s rarely spoken-of underground tunnels.
Rumor has it that whoever solves the puzzle first gets $25
FlexBucks added to their account.
I never really understood why though.
March 2017
19

GIRL WITH WALKING BOOT
JUST TRYING NOT TO
SHAVE LEG
Her injury was over 2 years ago but the boot still comes in handy for lazy days.
Epimethius
Crocodile Staff Writer
Spring has officially arrived
and Spring Fashion is in
full force on UF’s campus
this spring. One of the most stylish
items this season is the ‘I Broke My
Leg Walking Boot’ by Ann Taylor.
UF Sophomore Sally Fahn really
likes how the boot matches her
eyes. She also wears it for another
reason.
Underneath the fashion forward
grey boot lies what can only be
described as an Amazon Rain
Forest of leg hair.
“I can’t remember if it started
with me trying to support feminism
or just being too lazy to buy a new
razor.”
Said Fahn, who wears the boot
on her left leg because boots
on both legs made it difficult to
dance.
When Fahn first started wearing
the boot, she realized it wasn’t
necessary to shave her ankles or
toes anymore. Then that mentality
slowly progressed all the way to
her knee, and eventually the whole
leg.
After this stunning realization,
Fahn has decided to embrace the
new her.
“I’ll probably keep it for a
staff@thecrocodile.org
When not paired with jeans, it’s easy to spot a cosmetic walking boot.
Disney themed Halloween
costume, my right leg can be
Beauty and my left leg can be the
Beast.”
Said Fahn, who is used to
pulling off couples costumes all by
herself.
“I’ve saved so much money on
razors it’s great, but I have to buy
twice as much shampoo.”
Some people aren’t too happy
about the boot becoming a big
fashion trend.
“All the boots are sold out and I
actually have a broken leg. I guess
I’ll just put some bubble wrap and
student-published newspapers
around it.”
Said Felipe Fernandez, who got
the injury by taking intramural
soccer a bit too seriously.
As of press time, over 1/3 of
the girl population was wearing
boots, but we could not verify if
they were used to avoid shaving or
were actually for injury.
It seems sort of arbitrary.
March 2017
21

QUIZ
How much
would you do
for free pizza?
Whether you like it or not, pizza is everywhere.
There’s new pizza in restaurants, old pizza in trash
cans, and fake pizza in the dreams of those you
hold most dear. But how much do you really love
it?
1.
2.
If said slice of free pizza was placed on the floor of a dormitory,
which dorm floor pizza would you be willing to digest?
a
a
The sparkling,
new floors of
Infinity Hall
b
Whose office hours would you be willing to
attend if free pizza were involved?
Your foreign chemistry professor
Hume Hall; a
mystery in itself
c
Beaty Towers –
how do people
even live there?
If you answered
mostly A’s
How dare you consider yourself
a free pizza connoisseur? You’re
surely a frequenter of places such as
Blaze Pizza and probably even like
pineapple on your pizza. The lack of
extent to which you would pursue
free pizza is disappointing.
b
c
The speedo guy from Turlington
Your overzealous TA who brags about his fraternity days
If you answered
mostly B’s
3.
What do you prefer to eat your free pizza on?
a
b
Paper plates, of course.
Over my backpack or math notes
You clearly exude a passion for pizza;
putting yourself through health
hazards for the sake of a slice. Your
persistence and open-mindedness
when it comes to pizza is truly commendable.
Congratulations, for you
are a true pizza lover.
c
An old exam as a napkin, if I’m lucky.
4.
Do you consider the pizza from Broward
Dining edible?
a
b
c
Is that even a question? No.
Pizza is pizza.
It depends if you are using the technical definition of edible.
If you answered
mostly C’s
Although you make an effort
to reach the heights of pizza
connoisseur, they are far from
achieving the status. Get out
there and take a chance; risk
it all for the pizza, and maybe
someday you’ll get there.
24 March 2017 Or why not just inflate the price...

HOROSCOPES
ARIES
TAURUS
GEMINI
CANCER
March 21 - April 19
Your parents
always said
“stay in
school,” but
what do they
know?
April 20 - May 20 May 21 - June 20 June 21 - July 22
You’ll come to a
crossroads in life.
It will be University
and 13th. Wait for
the walk signal to
cross.
Someone will throw
a paper airplane in
class. I know you
only thought that
happened in iCarly
but this is real life,
baby.
Dillon is right, it is
actually $3 macaroni
tonight. At his
dorm. And it’s Kraft
shapes. If he likes
you so much why is
he charging you for
macaroni?
LEO
VIRGO
LIBRA
SCORPIO
July 23 - August 22
Just count yourself lucky
that the Crocodile guy
isn’t a good enough
salesman to sell
sponsored horoscopes, or
he’d tell you to purchase
from a specific brand,
like delicious Domino’s
pizza.
August 23 - September 22 September 23 - October 22 October 23 - November 21
Your dad
was right
the whole
time.
If you read this and
it isn’t your real
horoscope, that’s
probably breaking
some kind of
horoscope rule. Good
luck. If this is yours,
happy birthday!
You’ll find a
new pen!!!
But it will be a
ballpoint. Oh
well.
SAGITTARIUS
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
PISCES
November 22 - December 21 December 22 - January 19 January 20 - February 18 February 19 - March 20
Remember when the
syllabus said there
would be a random
attendance grade?
Yeah, that’s today,
so you’d better start
running.
Look up at the
stars. There’s
nothing there.
Thanks, light
pollution.
What’s new on
Netflix? If you
already had an
answer ready for
that, you should
focus more on
school.
The maintenance
guy has a key to
your room. Wait, I
mean everyone’s
room. Does that
make it better?
Buy pizza from our sponsors.
March 2017
29

ADVERTISE IN
Reach hundreds of millions* of UF students by placing an ad in the Crocodile!
We have broken it down into three simple steps for you:
Realize that the Really Independent Florida Crocodile
has overcome all other forms of pseudo-journalism
Email sales@thecrocodile.org
We will consult you on the best type of ad to run,
design it, and then lovingly place it among our
completely true stories.
“Wow, this is the best advertising I’ve ever gotten ever!!”
- Some customer, probably
“CPM!!!!”
- Customer and also my advertising professor
“Advertising in the Crocodile made me an all around happier person.”
- Anonymous
“Another cool testimonial.”
- Anonymous
“Another cool testimonial.”
- Anonymous

The new lifestyle
YOU
DESERVE!
NEW HOMES +
NEW GYM
SLEEK, MODERN FURNITURE
CABLE WITH HBO & HD
CHANNELS
BUSINESS CENTER + PRINTING
+ STUDY ROOM
PET FRIENDLY
SIGN A
NEW LEASE
BY MAY 30 TH
ENTER TO WIN A
SCOOTER FROM
NEW SCOOTERS
4 LESS
lux13apartments.com
352.374.3866
1015 NW 21st Avenue