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26—Vanguard, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 20, 2019<br />
<strong>My</strong> wife is a lousy cook!<br />
Mum has stolen our inheritance<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
Our two remaining<br />
grandparents died last<br />
year within months of each<br />
other. It was heartbreaking<br />
at the time, but nothing<br />
compared to what had<br />
happened since then.<br />
With my mum being their<br />
only child, she inherited<br />
the entirety of their estate.<br />
<strong>My</strong> grand-dad wanted to<br />
leave each of his<br />
grandchildren —me and<br />
my siblings— a bit of<br />
money. We’re all aged<br />
between 19 and 32. But<br />
rather than put it in his<br />
Will, he told our mum in<br />
our presence to give it to<br />
us from her inheritance. Of<br />
course, she promised she<br />
would.<br />
Now that she’s got her<br />
hands on the money, she<br />
doesn’t want to give us our<br />
share. She says she needs<br />
it herself because she<br />
wants a house of her own<br />
instead of a rented<br />
apartment.<br />
She also wants to<br />
continue going on<br />
expensive holidays and<br />
drinking choice wine. I<br />
think she may also be an<br />
alcoholic. Our mum has<br />
spent her whole life living<br />
off her rich fancy men and<br />
now it seems she wants to<br />
live off her own children’s<br />
money.<br />
Am I overreacting to<br />
think what she’s doing is<br />
utterly despicable? Do you<br />
think we children should<br />
talk to her about it? I don’t<br />
want to upset her as her<br />
temper has a very short<br />
fuse.<br />
Gemima, <strong>by</strong> e-mail.<br />
Dear Gemima,<br />
On one hand, your mum<br />
has every right to keep all<br />
the money as stipulated in<br />
the Will and do with it as<br />
she sees fit. On the other<br />
hand, she’s going <strong>against</strong><br />
the express wishes of her<br />
own father in not sharing<br />
the inheritance with you<br />
and she will have to live<br />
with that.<br />
Seriously though, I<br />
wonder why your granddad<br />
didn’t leave specific<br />
How can I convince her dad I won’t<br />
beat her again?<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I recently broke up with my<br />
girlfriend after I was violent<br />
towards her. After a while, we<br />
agreed there could be a way<br />
back to resurrecting the<br />
relationship and are willing to<br />
try.<br />
The problem is her dad. He<br />
was very furious that I was<br />
violent towards his daughter<br />
and now I don’t know how to<br />
repair the damage I have<br />
caused to her father who even<br />
now, I had a great respect for.<br />
How can I approach him, or<br />
have I lost any relationship we<br />
must have dad in the past for<br />
good?<br />
Paul, By e-mail.<br />
Dear Paul,<br />
You obviously are ashamed<br />
of your behaviour and want to<br />
make a fresh start.<br />
Unfortunately, you can’t<br />
regain someone’s trust in a<br />
moment. Think how you<br />
would feel if someone battered<br />
your daughter.<br />
It’ll take a lot of hard work<br />
to show you have changed.<br />
But at the moment it’s not<br />
about him. Convince his<br />
daughter you’ve changed and<br />
that it will not happen again.<br />
There’s a chance she could<br />
then have a word with her dad<br />
and he may come round. But<br />
have you sort counselling?<br />
instructions in his Will on<br />
who gets what, especially<br />
if he was aware of your<br />
mum’s erratic behaviour.<br />
In the meantime, you<br />
need to have a cool, calm<br />
conversation with her and<br />
let her know how you feel.<br />
If she’s adamant, then try<br />
to let it go for the sake of<br />
your relationship.<br />
Perhaps,<br />
more<br />
importantly, you need to<br />
speak to her about her<br />
lifestyle and how that<br />
worries you.<br />
Offer to cook a romantic<br />
dinner for him or even<br />
better, promise him a very<br />
early evening. Once he’s<br />
putty in your hands,<br />
murmur: ‘Wouldn’t it be<br />
lovely if we could do this<br />
more often?’<br />
If that doesn’t work,<br />
consider telling your<br />
boyfriend. It is afterall, your<br />
house too. You have every<br />
right to feel comfortable in it,<br />
just make sure you’re armed<br />
for battle!<br />
Why won’t he tell me why he<br />
dumped me?<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
How important is closure<br />
at the end of a<br />
relationship? <strong>My</strong> boyfriend<br />
broke up with me a couple<br />
of months ago and he’s<br />
failed to answer the<br />
questions that I really need<br />
answers to enable me have<br />
closure. Is it fair I now<br />
resent him for it?<br />
We were together for<br />
close to two years.<br />
Betty, <strong>by</strong> e-mail.<br />
Dear Betty,<br />
Closure is very important<br />
in a number of situations,<br />
not least the end of a<br />
relationship. It is not,<br />
however, always<br />
forthcoming. I’m assuming<br />
you’re the only one who<br />
needs answers, not him,<br />
and your feelings are<br />
perfectly natural.<br />
If he was emotionally<br />
mature, he would give you<br />
the answers you needed.<br />
Whether that would make<br />
you feel better or worse is<br />
a whole kettle of fish. What<br />
if he broke up with you to<br />
be with your best friend for<br />
instance?<br />
I think you’ll have to<br />
accept you may never know<br />
what went on in his head.<br />
Very little <strong>by</strong> the look of<br />
things!<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
<strong>My</strong> new wife is obviously<br />
not interested in creating a<br />
home for us. I have a good<br />
job, which means I am often<br />
away during the week, but<br />
she seems to resent doing<br />
any housework.<br />
She is supposed to be in her<br />
family's business, but she<br />
scarcely goes there. I<br />
assumed when we got<br />
married the deal would be<br />
that I’d earn the money while<br />
she kept our home ticking<br />
over.<br />
But I’ve never got a clean<br />
shirt or anything decent to<br />
eat — and the house is<br />
always in chaos. All she<br />
wants to do is see her<br />
friends. Her parents have<br />
agreed to help with domestic<br />
helps but for how long?<br />
She’s always been spoilt <strong>by</strong><br />
her parents but they had<br />
assured me she could cope<br />
with marriage. How do I<br />
make her understand that I<br />
can’t function like this? It’s<br />
a bit too early to be<br />
complaining to her parents.<br />
Paul, <strong>by</strong> e-mail.<br />
Dear Paul,<br />
If you two have never sat<br />
down to discuss how you’re<br />
going to live your new life,<br />
you can’t blame your wife for<br />
not knowing what the ‘deal’<br />
is supposed to be.<br />
The first thing you need to<br />
do is talk. If your wife<br />
doesn’t wish to run the<br />
home, what is her<br />
contribution to this marriage<br />
going to be?<br />
Your wife can’t take all the<br />
blame here. You knew she<br />
was a ‘silver-spoon kid’<br />
when you met and married<br />
her, and that’s all the life she<br />
knows.<br />
Her transition into a good<br />
house-wife is going to take<br />
a lot of efforts and patience<br />
from you. This is a new<br />
journey for both of you and<br />
compromises will be needed<br />
all along the line.<br />
But you can’t compromise<br />
unless you talk, so don’t<br />
waste another minute. She<br />
obviously wanted marriage<br />
or she wouldn’t agree to be<br />
led to the altar.<br />
I need to get rid of his best<br />
friend!<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I currently live with my<br />
boyfriend and his best friend<br />
is a pest. He virtually lives<br />
in our house. I don’t feel I<br />
can say anything because<br />
they’ve known each other for<br />
years.<br />
But recently, his pal has<br />
started brushing past me in<br />
the kitchen and making<br />
suggestive remarks<br />
whenever my boyfriend is<br />
out of the room. He hasn’t<br />
made a pass at me but I’m<br />
sure it’s only a matter of<br />
time.<br />
Do you think I should tell<br />
my boyfriend?<br />
Remi, <strong>by</strong> e-mail.<br />
Dear Remi,<br />
You have two dilemmas<br />
here: how to reclaim your<br />
home for yourself and how<br />
to get rid of this pest of a best<br />
friend. I believe you can kill<br />
two birds with a stone<br />
without having to tell your<br />
boyfriend.<br />
I know he hasn’t made a<br />
pass but the body contact<br />
suggests he’s building up to<br />
something. You need to deal<br />
with this now, and the only<br />
way of doing that is to get<br />
him out of the house. You<br />
need to make him feel as<br />
uncomfortable and<br />
unwelcome as possible.<br />
Don’t offer him food or<br />
drink. Use the grinder when<br />
he’s slumped in front of the<br />
TV. Get your friends round<br />
for boozy sessions from time<br />
to time.<br />
On a more serious note,<br />
you shouldn’t let him get<br />
away with this sexual<br />
bullying. Nervous laughter<br />
will only encourage him.<br />
Instead, stop whatever<br />
you’re doing and turn to face<br />
him.<br />
Tell him: “How do you<br />
think your friend would feel<br />
if he saw that? Shall I get<br />
him in here and ask him?”<br />
You’ve got to work on your<br />
boyfriend too. Explain that<br />
you’d like some more time<br />
together as a couple without<br />
his friend ruining the<br />
atmosphere.<br />
Offer to cook a romantic<br />
dinner for him or even<br />
better, promise him a very<br />
early evening. Once he’s<br />
putty in your hands, murmur:<br />
‘Wouldn’t it be lovely if we<br />
could do this more often?’<br />
If that doesn’t work,<br />
consider telling your<br />
boyfriend. It is afterall, your<br />
house too. You have every<br />
right to feel comfortable in it.<br />
Just make sure you’re armed<br />
for battle!<br />
Share your problems and release your<br />
burden. Write now to Dear Bunmi,<br />
Vanguard Newspapers, P.M.B 1007,<br />
Apapa, Lagos, or bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk