Viva Lewes Issue #151 April 2019

TEENAGERS
JO O’SULLIVAN
Many of my clients have children and stepchildren.
In mediation we work through the practicalities of parenting after
parting, Parenting Plans can be agreed but will often need to be revisited
as children grow and circumstances change. Some feel that parenting
plans are most needed when children are very small and childcare
issues dominate family life but these plans are also really helpful for
agreeing arrangements as children go through the teenage years.
As children grow so does their determination to
be independent but they still need both parents.
It will often seem they are rebelling because
that’s just what teenagers do, when actually they
are trying to assert what is important to them.
Compared to when they were little they want
less of their parents time and advice. They are
more dependent on their friends, boyfriends/
girlfriends for advice and support and through
their peers they explore what relationships
mean to them.
When a divorce happens, teenagers often feel
embarrassed by the break-up and sometimes
react by idealising one parent. Whereas younger
children mostly continue to love both parents
equally teenagers tend to blame one parent
over the other for the break up. They are often
very directly critical “if my dad hadn’t done this
or that” or “if my mum could have done that”,
they would still be together. They get angry that
one parent did not try hard enough and now
everyone is unhappy. They often do this because
they need to try and control what is happening
and when they realise they can’t, they blame one
or both of their parents.
As teenagers get older they increasingly
prioritise their social life over of family life and
often resent having to visit the parent they don’t
live with. However they still need both parents.
It might be hard work, especially if it seems they
are emotionally
breaking away,
but they still
need to know
each parent
is there for
them when
they do reach
out. I always
urge clients
not to speak badly of an ex and never pressure
children to take sides, Teenage children need
as much practical and emotional support in
maintaining a relationship with ‘both’ parents
even if they seem to resent one of you.
I always remind my clients that it takes time
and it takes emotional energy but it is worth
persevering through the teenage years.
Any parent may find it hard to fathom what
their teenage child’s emotional needs are so
mistakenly offload their own emotional needs
on them in an attempt to gain closeness. Here
I remind parents that they should not expect
or allow children of any age to feel they have to
take care of either parent emotionally. It is not
their role.
This is easier said than done. Which is why I
work with Family Consultants who can help you
navigate your way through a divorce when you
have children and step children.
Please call to discuss what might be the best process for you
on 07780676212 or email jo@osullivanfamilylaw.com
For more details about how I work visit
www.osullivanfamilylaw.com