CCChat Magazine
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The Magazine on and around Coercive Control
May/June 2019
Continuing our Serialisation of Pat Craven's:
Freedom's Flowers
WHY DO PEOPLE HATE FAMILY COURT?
coping strategies,better evidencing
a private bolthole for therapists
cults & crystals
Contents
Editor's Notes
6 The fine line between crystal clear and
as clear as mud.
Freedom’s Flowers
8 Continuing our serialisation of Freedom’s
Flowers by Freedom Programme founder,
Pat Craven
Sistah Space
12 Ngozi Fulani talks about why she started
Sistah Space
Dominic’s Story
16 Dominic tells his story of domestic abuse.
Anita Gera
20 Anita shares with us the coping strategies
that have helped her.
Domestic Abuse and Class
22 Neither education nor social standing will
insulate you from domestic abuse. A new
information portal aims to shine a light.
Emma Sutcliffe
26 Why do people hate family court?
Making The Invisible Visible
Contents
Interview with the Editor
29 The Editor is in the hot seat.
Liz Gibbons
32 Talking about an app that aims to help
gather evidence
Melissa's Story
36 "He saw himself as a small town cult
leader, doing women a favour"
Uncover
43 A podcast: Escaping NXIVM
Cath Kane
44 Caring for Carers: Building Resilience
Jennifer 42
22 An animated documentary
Inside Cover:
A self-care retreat for therapists and
practitioners.
Making The Invisible Visible
Editor's Notes
About The Editor
Min Grob started Conference on
Coercive Control in June 2015,
following the end of a relationship
that was both coercive and
controlling.
Since then, there have been 6
national conferences.Conference
on Coercive Control returns to
Bury St Edmunds in July 2019
with an event for professionals
who work or live in Suffolk.
Min’s interest lies in recognising
coercive control in its initial
stages, identifying
the ‘red flags’ of abusive
behaviour before someone
becomes more invested in the
relationship, as that is when it will
be much more difficult to leave.
Min has talked on identifying
covert abuse and, with the use of
examples from social media, she
identifies a number of covert
tactics that are commonly used to
manipulate. These tactics are
invisible in plain sight as the
abuser will deliberately keep their
abuse below the radar so as
to remain undetected.
Min is also a public speaker and
speaks on both her personal
experience of coercive control as
well as more generally of abuse
that is hidden in plain sight.
In September 2018, Min launched
Empower - a hub for supporting
and education on and around
coercive control. Find it on:
www.empowersuffolk.co.uk
Let's Grow The Conversation!
To contact Min:
contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk
Photo by Alex Kilbee
www.museportraits.co.uk
The Fine Line Between Crystal clear
and as clear as mud
It’s been a while since the last issue of CCChat. At the moment there aren't enough hours
in the day as preparation is underway for next year's events. It is exciting, but there is a lot
of work - a lot of reading material to get through but, once it's done, it will be really worth it.
It's also been necessary to focus more on self-care.
Organising conferences and editing this magazine is only a small part of what I do,the bulk
is offering a listening ear to anyone who has been in a coercive and controlling
relationship. For many who contact me, it is the first opportunity someone has to talk to
another person who has been in a similar situation and it is often a defining moment to
realise that you're not alone. Unfortunately, there is only one of me and I have been
working longer and longer hours so it was necessary to step back and focus on what I
have been neglecting. Get in touch, if you have any ideas as the more we all collaborate,
the less gaps there are for those who really need it, to fall through.
Currently in the news is the trial of NXIVM and its leader Keith Raniere. I have been
following up on this trial of the alleged sex cult leader who has been charged with various
offences including sex trafficking. What I have found interesting is how Raniere was able
to coerce intelligent, often wealthy and astute women to become not only part of his
personal development group but, for some of the women, to be enslaved within an inner
cult and branded. The level of brainwashing and gaslighting is something that many who
have been in a coercive and controlling relationship will no doubt recognise.
On a much smaller scale there are also many similarities to unethical healers and
therapists who purposefully target individuals with the aim of exploiting them.It's a big
concern as it's not always easy to identify the ethical from the unscrupulous as, often, the
first thing they will do is ensure they have a coterie of loyal followers who will give the
impression of respectability. Going back to the NXIVM case, Raniere would not have had
the level of influence had he not had his inner circle of women to validate him and to
recruit new members and this is not unlike grooming.
I will be spending more time looking at how cult techniques can be used by the
disreputable but, in the meantime read Melissa's (not her real name) story on page 36.
See you soon, Min x
Making The Invisible Visible
Freedom’s Flowers
By Pat Craven
Chapter 6- Poppy
H
i
Pat ...I signed up to the Freedom Programme forum a while back, but have never
had the confidence to post anything. This is partly because writing things down
makes the situations more real rather than some hazy nightmare. You can probably
guess from that that I am in an abusive relationship at present.I have only ever had
four relationships and three were, or are, very abusive. I don’t understand why I get
it so wrong all of the time.
I just believe people when they say they’re going to love and look after me. I believe that’s what they’re going to do and not
try to destroy me as a human being in every way they can. I am trying to get my head around ending this one now. I have
found, with the other two, that circumstances gave me the opportunities to sort things. I’m not relying on that now, but I need
to be 100% confident (or as best as I can be) to sort this, as I have to be strong for my children to manage their pain.
I have two very complex disabled children who both need round the clock 24 hour care. I have no family, as they disowned
me when they found out I had disabled children. I was branded ‘a failure’. My family had always been disjointed. My mother
walked out when I was 13. My father didn’t want my brother and me. My mother didn’t want the stigma of having a child in
care, so I lived with my mother and stepfather until I was 16. It was horrific. When I was 16, they left me alone in London
where I got myself a job and a bedsit and was self-sufficient from then on. A lot of bad things happened throughout my
childhood, but I was always determined to make a life for myself and not allow the bad things to rule my future.
Bringing things up-to-date, my ex-husband, who is the father of my children, was abusive to me and the children. Both of my
children have autism, as well as other complex mental disabilities and physical disabilities. For example, my son 46 cannot
walk properly. My son could not talk until he was about 3 1⁄2 and, when he did, my ex-husband couldn’t cope, so he would
try and hold his hand over my son’s mouth. One day, my son bit his daddy for holding his wrist so hard, so my ex bit him
back. It got so bad I could not allow my ex to be alone with the children and our GP confirmed this when we went to see
him. I would have to take them to the toilet with me to wait outside so I knew they were safe.
At that time, I was fighting through the courts for my children to have a right to an education. I did this alone. My children
were both backwards and forwards to hospital constantly. I also had become very seriously ill myself, to the point where I
had to be tube fed and went down to six stone. My ex abused me verbally and I constantly encouraged him to keep away
from the house, which he did do. An example of what we used to go through was how my ex could not cope with talking in
the car at all. My children, being disabled, do not understand that, so they would get it ‘wrong’ and break the rules.
One day we had to go and visit a new potential special school for my children. My ex got lost and his temper erupted. He
screamed in the car and drove like a mad man through the city streets. He was shouting how he was going to kill us. The
children were terrified and so was I. The car screeched to a halt in four lanes of traffic. I was sat in the back with my son
supporting him. I banged open my son’s, my daughter’s and my own seat belts. I shouted for my daughter to get out of the
car and lifted my son out. Car seats were strewn across the road. We wove our way through the traffic to the pavement
where strangers met a crying little family. Unbelievably, we were opposite the police station and they ran out to help. My ex
crashed the car further up the road. Back then, the police did not offer us advice on refuges or support. We were expected
to go home with my ex. Having no family and no money, we had no choice.
Slowly, I began to realise things had to change, and I sought information and saved pennies until, one day, I told him to go,
and he did. I should mention that my son, who was seven at the time, was very violent himself. He would pull my hair out, he
split my lip open and I had to have four stitches. The scars are still there today. He scratched and punched. The day my ex
left, my son’s violence stopped! It was incredible. My little boy became the beautiful young person I always knew he could
be and, despite all of his disabilities, he is one of the most caring, loving people I have ever known.
That is not the end of the story sadly. I did say, initially, my ex could see the children at home when he liked, providing he
was good and kind to them. I explained how scared they were of him and how he had to work at regaining there trust. He
visited twice and both times he was abusive, aggressive and distressed the children.
Making The Invisible Visible
So I went straight to a solicitor and she banned him from
seeing the children. We had to go to court. That first session
in court was terrifying. My children did not want to see their
daddy. Had they done so, I would have agreed to him having
contact which was supervised. I just wanted them to be
happy. They were terrified and made it clear they did not
want to see him again. I was the children’s voice. But, at that
first court hearing, the judge told me my children had no
voice as they were children and disabled. So I fought hard for
a year for the judge to understand they had a right to their
views. After all, he was expecting them to spend time with a
man who had used abusive behaviour, which was recorded
by several professionals.
During that year, I was told I had to pay for my ex to see the
children. I had to pay for the supervision. The supervisors
had to be people the children knew and trusted. We also had
the worst CAFCASS officer who had no idea of the children’s
disabilities and she confused them and upset them. She was
exceptionally patronising and it was obvious she was on my
ex’s side. During this time, I was also in court fighting for my
children’s right to have an education.
My ex wanted the children to write three times a week. This
was unrealistic, considering the fact neither of them could
read nor write. Because of this, and their other disabilities,
they needed so much time to process things and decide what
they wanted to say.
In the end it was ordered the children only had to write once
every 4 weeks, but more if they wanted, and my ex could
write every day, if he wanted to. I put in masses of effort to try
and encourage the relationship, and the letter writing
process, but their dad skipped some months, although the
children always wrote. When they did get letters, their dad
always wrote about himself and showed no interest in the
children. After eight months, the case returned to court,
where the judge ordered it to be closed. Their dad could not
have access to the children, other than indirectly.
My ex wanted the case to remain open, so if he ever wanted
to contest again he could and he wouldn’t have to pay. The
judge insisted this was not going to happen and said that, if
he cared about his children that much, he would be happy to
pay (my ex had a good job).
"My ex wanted the case to remain open, so if he ever wanted to contest again he could
and he wouldn’t have to pay.The judge insisted this was not going to happen and said
that, if he cared about his children that much, he would be happy to pay ”
I won my daughter’s case first and she started to attend a
special school for autistic children. But the CAFCASS worker
insisted that my daughter be removed from school twice a
week to see her daddy, which I thought appalling considering
she had been out of school for three years (that is how long
the cases took to fight). I made a formal complaint about the
CAFCASS worker and it was upheld and we were given a
senior manager who was fantastic.
My ex also wanted to see the children on weekends.
Considering he didn’t show them any interest when he was
at home other than to harm them, I knew this was just a
game to him of hitting back at me. The supervised visits were
horrendous for the children.Their dad still was abusive and
things completely broke down when he assaulted my son in
front of a supervisor in a park.
It was then that the judge sat up and ordered that the
children be given a legal voice. They would have their own
solicitor and a Guardian Ad Litem. I was so pleased. They
spent time with the children and were brilliant in
understanding them. They produced reports for court,
dictated by the children, about their daddy. The pictures the
children used, to show what they thought their daddy was
like, were terrifying; a distorted face full of rage; broken
furniture; angry bubbles with angry words in. The judge
ordered that only indirect contact was allowed, via a
specialised website.
Since that time, three years ago, the children have not heard
from their dad, other than an odd birthday card with the
wrong age written on. I have never said bad things about the
children’s daddy to them, they know what we have all been
through and he is still their daddy. Also, I have always said to
them if they want contact I would arrange for it to be
supervised immediately if it was possible. But both remain
steadfast they never want to see him again.
My current partner promised me the world, and instead he
stole it from me. We have been together four years. He is sly
and underhanded, abusive and cruel to me. He has been
verbally awful to the children at odd times, but this happens
infrequently and my son loves him to bits. I think this is only
because, when my partner rarely does spend bit of time with
him, he feels so happy.
I know I have to sort the mess out, and soon. I am able to
hide a lot from the children, but I want things to stop now for
all our sakes.
I don’t want the children subjected to anymore. I am aware
that there is always the risk of them witnessing something or
having some mean words thrown at them. The house is
mine, and for that I am so grateful. My ex’s name is on the
mortgage too, but I pay for everything. So I can tell my
partner to leave. I thought he loved me. I thought he cared,
but he doesn’t.
Making The Invisible Visible
Before he moved in, when he met the children, he played
with them on the floor and I thought, ‘Wow! He is a real
hands-on dad!’ I have not seen him ever do that again, in the
last four years. I feel cheated that he isn’t who he promised
to be, and that he hasn’t done even a fraction of what he said
he would do. I have put up with so much, supported him
through so much, bailed him out so much and yet it’s never
good enough.
The smell of freedom is drifting upon the
breeze around me
I can feel that the time is coming for him to go.
The smell of freedom is drifting upon the breeze
around me. I am scared, as we are so alone as a
little family but then, if I allow him to stay, it will
be just as bad. It could be worse. I know there will
come that moment when I say ‘enough’. But, when
I say it their will no going back, which is why I
know I have to be mentally strong and focused. I
need to break the emotional ties.
My partner is a professional man with a very good job,
although he only contributes just for himself. He tells me that
all the people he works with think he is amazing, wonderful,
and charming. The best thing ever!
I care for my children round the clock, and we have crises
every week that I have to sort out for them. Last year my son
had two major operations. If I told you everything my kids
have been through at the hands of adults and children in
schools, as well as thinking about their own dad, you would
be staggered. I have lost faith in human beings.
This week, I discovered my son’s cab driver and escort to his
special school have been bullying him. He had been bending
his fingers back, keeping his bags from him and calling him
names. The school had noticed too and, as soon as I learnt
how bad it was, I stopped the cabs and had a ding dong with
LEA. My son internalised everything. He stopped eating and
was so quiet. I had tried to find out what was going on, but all
I could get from him were a few worries with school.
"I am being ignored and punished for having a voice.
He hates me having a voice."
I have given up trying to tell him how I am, or how I feel, as
he always explodes and then punishes me for days on end.
So I always say ‘fine’ if he asks if I’m OK. Yesterday, he
asked and I said I was fine. He kept badgering me, as he
could see I wasn’t. I told him I was very lonely. I educate my
daughter at home all week. I support her with an online
school, so I never get a break or get to go out anywhere. The
only thing my partner wants to do is work on his motorbike
and go on holiday with his biker buddies. I finally cracked and
told him the truth and, of course, he just started being nasty
and sarcastic etc.
He never takes us anywhere, even for a walk or anything. I
can’t drive, so the only way I can get the kids out is to use
cabs. I do this as much as I can, but, as we are at the
doctors and the hospital a lot, I have to keep the cab fare
money for that, mostly. He can drive, and we have a car, but
he chooses not to take us out, ever. So, as I write this, Pat, I
am being ignored and punished for having a voice. He hates
me having a voice. I have told him all he wants is me to be a
nodding doggy. Someone to pay the bills, wash his clothes
and iron them, cook his food, buy him loads of stuff, never
grumble, always have a ridiculous smile on my face and look
nice.
There were major issues with my daughter this
week, too. But this is like most weeks. There is
always something to deal with, whether it’s their
health, education or mental welfare. They are the
most incredible people I have ever known, and I
am so privileged to be their mummy. They make
the sun come out for me each and every day. I
know I am strong inside. When it’s anything to do
with the children, I am a lioness protecting her
cubs at any expense. But, for myself, I am quite
pathetic. I am getting stronger by the day and I
know that slowly, very slowly I will get there.
Sorry Pat, I have waffled, but I thought I would
send in some thoughts if they were of any help.
Thank you for all of your support through your
books and the site. It has helped me enormously.
Kindest Regards Poppy.
Reproduced with kind permission by Pat
Craven and The Freedom Programme.
All rights reserved.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
Making The Invisible Visible
"Sitting through a court case last year and hearing
about the horrific murder of community giant, Valerie
Forde and her 22 month old daughter, baby J in 2014
was the final straw for me. Valerie's death was so
unavoidable."
Ngozi Fulani (IDVA, ISVA)
Making The Invisible Visible
Meet Ngozi Fulani
founder of
Sistah Space
I
didn't
plan to be an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor
(IDVA), I didn't even know what it was until a set of
circumstances led me down the path I now find myself on.
It was the murder of Valerie Forde and her 22 month old
daughter 'Baby J' that really set me on this particular journey.
Valerie died and her baby died just a short time after reporting threats made by her ex-partner to
burn down the house with her and the children in it. This was recorded by police as 'A threat to
property'. Consequently no actions were put in place to safeguard Valerie and baby J. Violence
against women and girls is something that I had grown accustom to hearing about about most of my
life. All the images that I saw and all the people I heard speaking about it were mainly white women.
No black women I knew that had experienced domestic abuse had ever received adequate support,
they all had issues with either the way the police handled them, asking to see red marks or bruising,
or the way refuges couldn’t understand their basic needs. For that reason, I decided to do the IDVA
training to maybe of some support to people I knew.
I was amazed to realise that there was nothing at all in the training programmes that related to
African or Caribbean women. We learned about almost every other community & culture and how
they are affected. We were taught what resources were available for certain groups, including those
with disabilities, victims of Honour Based Violence, every conceivable group, but no mention about
black women. I raised it, but had no response as to why this was. We also had a lot of visitors as
part of the course, but never any women from the black community. I raised it time and time again
until finally they invited me down to their offices for a chat.
After another long gap of over a year, in which time I had to keep making contact, I was invited to
deliver training. The training took place last year and to date no visible changes have been
implemented. My request for an update have been practically ignored. To date I am challenging
those many domestic abuse organisations that continue to refer African heritage women to
organisations that do not and can't cater for black women. Sending black women victims/survivors of
domestic abuse to organisations that do not understand them, place them at further risk of harm.
It is not possible to do an accurate risk assessment on women if you don't understand their cultural
needs. Rastafarian and other grassroots women are invisible in plain sight. I have yet to see a
mainstream organisation that has women from these communities in a decision making postion.
Sending black women to refuges or places where they can't access the items they need increases
the risk that they will return to the perpetrator.
February 16th would have been Valerie Forde's 50th birthday. The 31st March was the 5 year
anniversary of the murders. On that day we re-launched Valerie's Law to try to get every
organisation to sign up for cultural awareness course.
To sign the petition go to: www.change.org
VALERIE'S LAW- Make discrimination Awareness Training Compulsory in DV Organisations.
Making The Invisible Visible
SISTAH SPACE works with African heritage
women and girls who have experienced
domestic or sexual abuse and those who have
lost a loved one to domestic violence. The
specialist service seeks to assist those who are
apprehensive about going to mainstream
services without support, such as the police
and other statutory services.
SISTAH SPACE is run by a team of volunteers
and currently depends on the community to
keep this crucial initiative going.
Follow on Twitter: @Sistah_Space
To donate please go to:
https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com
and enter Sistah Space
Making The Invisible Visible
Dominic's Story
A male victim of abuse speaks up.
“Gradually, violence became a part of our lives – with K attacking, and me
defending myself. I think I’ve blotted out many of the memories from that
period, but one is burned into my brain. It was the day when I fought back.”
So – an honest account from someone who has experienced
coercive control? Tricky. We all like to see ourselves as
innocent. As essentially good, if occasionally mistaken. And
hindsight is a wonderful helper when our halo seems a little
tarnished. So I’m not sure I can actually give an ‘honest
account’. But I will try.
My relationship with K – as I’ll call her – began at university
in the early 70s. I was 19, a naïve, over-sensitive and overimaginative
only child, and a practising Catholic who’d been
educated at a single-sex direct grant school. Though I was
rapidly maturing in my new environment. When I met K I’d
just emerged from my first university ‘love affair’, which
ended when my then girlfriend replaced me with a man I’d
regarded as a good friend. Looking back, I’m not surprised.
My Catholic scruples were still fighting a rearguard action
against my overactive hormones, so we’d never had full
intercourse. And my own behaviour had been a little
controlling. Like most men in the 70s, I’d grown up with
precisely that image of women that modern feminists rightly
condemn. But I’d also learned not to underestimate women,
if only because my mother was a superbly capable person
with a formidable intellect who, in many ways, did not fit that
image at all.
At first my relationship with K was almost purely sexual. She
made no secret of her attraction to me, and proved a willing,
experienced and inventive partner who blithely brushed aside
even my most deep-seated inhibitions.
She was intelligent, perceptive, and incisive – as any woman
had to be to win a place at my university. It’s worth remarking
that men outnumbered women there by about five to one at
that time.
K was also a vocal feminist, at a time when that was still
unusual. This tended to create awkward social situations:
she would sometimes take deep offence at a casual remark.
Looking back I’d say she sometimes had good reason,
although my more perceptive friends did listen, take notice,
and try to understand her reactions. And I’ll freely admit that
she made me rethink my ideas about women and their place
in society.
Sadly, though, she was also very insecure. As a provincial
woman from a working-class background she felt out of place
at the university, and seemed convinced that others regarded
her as inferior. I honestly don’t believe that was the case –
certainly not among those in our own immediate circle – but
that didn’t alter her own strongly-held beliefs. I did invite K to
meet my parents, but it was not a success. If anything it
highlighted the internal conflict I still had between my
somewhat puritanical Catholic upbringing and K’s own
liberated sexuality. Her almost militant feminism also made
for uncomfortable conversations with my (then quite elderly)
parents.
A little over a year after I met K I completed my degree
course and left university, but our relationship continued. I
made frequent visits both to see her and to reconnect with
friends who were still finishing their degrees or had chosen to
settle in the area. A few months after she finished her own
degree I secured my first full-time job, and rented a bedsit
close to my work.
Some time later K got a job within commuting distance of my
new home, and joined me there – a far from ideal
arrangement that put even more stress on an already
strained relationship. It couldn’t last and I did, eventually,
persuade her to move out to a bedsit of her own, closer to
her work.
Making The Invisible Visible
It was far from ideal, and she was far from happy about it.
And there, had I been more pragmatic, we might have left it.
But two years later I was able to buy a flat. Driven to a large
extent by guilt (at which I was rapidly becoming an expert) I
invited her to join me – though I didn’t ask her to pay rent or
a share of the mortgage. And from then on our somewhat
shaky relationship slowly began to spiral into something
dangerous. I couldn’t reasonably invite my parents to visit the
flat given their strong dislike of K – which was mutual.
She also regarded most of my friends – especially those who
happened to be closest to me – as hostile to her. Wrongly, I
suspect. Our own relationship became increasingly
claustrophobic, and increasingly difficult. Not helped by my
well-instilled sense of Catholic guilt about the entire situation
– especially given that I’d long since stopped going to
church. One evening, when we were walking home from the
station, we got into an angry argument (for which I was
largely responsible). I could walk much faster than K,
and duly did so – only to meet her coming
towards me as I approached the flat. She told me
she’d been dropped off by the police, because
she’d got into a serious confrontation at a pub on
the way home. It didn’t occur to me then that she
might have started it. It was only much later –
when our own arguments sometimes degenerated
into violence – that I began to understand the
significance of that incident. And by then we had
reached a new low.
Gradually, violence became a part of our lives –
with K attacking, and me defending myself. I
think I’ve blotted out many of the memories from
that period, but one is burned into my brain. It
was the day when I fought back. And found myself
with my hands around K’s throat. I could have
killed her. My only consolation is that I took the
very conscious decision not to. But I don’t take
any pride in it. And at that point I finally
understood that we had to stop. For both our
sakes. My decision was reinforced by a later
incident when I’d avoided a confrontation by
going to bed. Only to be aware of K coming into
the bedroom, sitting next to me on the bed, and
touching my back with the tip of a knife. I
pretended to be asleep, and after a while she left.
I spoke to a family friend who worked in the same
environment as K and asked what would happen if
she had to take extended leave. He assured me
she’d be fine. I called another, mutual friend in
confidence and explained what was happening.
She offered to give K somewhere to stay. And then
I made the most difficult call of all. To my father.
To explain what was happening, and why I hadn’t
been in touch.
Bear in mind that in the 1970s even domestic
violence against women was barely discussed.
Making The Invisible Visible
“We’ve been really worried about you,’
they said. ‘We could hear what was
happening.”
Domestic violence against men wasn’t something I’d ever
even heard of. I didn’t imagine the police would be
interested, and in any case I had no wish to involve them, for
K’s sake as much as my own. So my father and I managed
the whole ghastly business on our own. K was shocked,
angry, and occasionally violent. She threw a plate, which
shattered – one of the broken pieces cut me, though I wasn’t
directly hit. She also threw an alarm clock, which did hit me.
Hours of talking followed. At one point she walked out of the
flat and wandered away.
I called the Samaritan helpline and asked for their advice and
suggestions – and very helpful they were (which is why I later
became a volunteer myself). Eventually – and it took a long
time – we persuaded K to take a taxi to the station and go to
stay with our mutual friend. Two weeks later I was told that K
had voluntarily gone into therapy.
That wasn’t quite the end of the story. K got back in touch a
couple of years later, asking whether, perhaps, we could
meet again. She told me that she, herself, had now become
a Catholic, and I know that to be true. But I didn’t feel it would
be right, and I was just beginning a new relationship so – as
gently as possible – I refused.
Just a few years ago I did have another exchange of letters
with K, in which she told me a little about her life and asked
for my forgiveness. I wrote back and told her she’d had that
long ago – and hoped she would forgive me, too, for my own
all too evident faults.
I hope that by sharing this story I’ll encourage other men
who’ve had similar experiences to speak out. Your stories are
not being heard, and they need to be - if only so we can
reach out to others in the same situation. Others who have
yet to find a way out.
Despite that she did keep her job, as I had been told she
would. In the meantime I went to apologise to my downstairs
neighbours for the disturbance. They were entirely
sympathetic. ‘We’ve been really worried about you,’ they
said. ‘We could hear what was happening. So glad you’re
OK.’
SUPPORT FOR MALE VICTIMS:
Men's Advice Line
Free helpline offering advice and support
for men experiencing domestic violence
and abuse.
0808 801 0327
www.mensadviceline.org.uk
Abused Men in Scotland
Free helpline offering advice and support
for men experiencing domestic violence
and abuse in Scotland.
0808 800 0024
www.abusedmeninscotland.org
Making The Invisible Visible
Coping Strategies
Anita Gera
I
m a survivor. If you’re reading this, you are very likely to be one too. We have
got this far: we have survived the abuse we encountered and here we are.
However, I know only too well how very hard getting even to here can be,
and I know that we all need a little help now and again so I’m going to tell you
a bit about the three most useful coping strategies I have found, as they may
help you too.
“If you don’t need them, share the information – you never
know when it may be just what another survivor needs to keep
going.”
If you don’t need them, share the information – you never know when it may be just what another
survivor needs to keep going.
The first thing to know, to absolutely grasp with every cell in your body, is that you are not alone. It’s
not some horrible nightmare that has only happened to you: you’re not the only one this happens to.
Knowing this is the most important fact you have now that you are a survivor. There are others out
there who have been through similar, though of course not the same, trauma as you have, who will
understand and who will not judge or blame you in any way (unfortunately, some of those who have
not experienced abuse may not always understand).
When my situation exploded, and I lost my two young children (whom I now haven’t seen for over 3
years), I thought it had never happened to anyone before me. I now know that there are armies of
mothers around the world who have lost their children to their abusers and I talk to many of them
regularly: we understand each other and know how bad the pain is. I am grateful to know them and
to call so many of them friends – without this trauma we would never have found each other so that
is one good that has come out of the bad. And: we know that we are not alone.
Secondly, know that there is no shame in being abused: your abuser should bear the shame and, in
a just world, would do so. It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, made no wrong choices, so there
is no shame for you to bear. Abusers are cunning and horribly intelligent when it comes to luring
victim-survivors into their traps. Even if you knew that abusers could act in this way, if it’s happened
before, some abusers will still be able to ensnare you again: it is never your fault, it’s theirs. Too
many of us feel shame at ‘admitting’ that we were abused, raped, violated… but it is society’s fault
for putting the blame on the woman rather than on the man who abused her.
Once you start learning about victim-blaming, about how insidious it is and how it permeates so
much of the world around us, you will wonder how you didn’t see it before. For every rape victim who
is asked what she was wearing, for every mother asked why she didn’t leave her abuser and keep
her children safe, for every girlfriend told that she shouldn’t have done/said/worn/eaten/drunk/not
done / not worn etc
It’s not YOUR fault.
Making The Invisible Visible
“It may not be the life you had planned, but it can still be a good life
and you are worth it. ”
Third, do whatever it takes to live your best life.
Do not let this destroy you, your abuser is not
worth it so don’t give him (and yes, in the vast
majority of cases it is ‘him’) the satisfaction of
seeing you disintegrate.
You will have to learn to compartmentalise your
feelings, to shut off some of your hurt and anger
so that you can direct your energy into positive
actions, projects and words and start working out
what you can do to make your life the best it can
be. It may not be the life you had planned, but it
can still be a good life and you are worth it.
I may not quite achieve that but I shall do my best
to make a difference: if my work means that even
one woman is not abused, at least one child is not
traumatised, then my work and my life is worth it.
Because we are all worth it.
To sum up: do your best and live your best life,
don’t accept blame whether it comes from within
or from others and find survivors who understand
what you have gone through. Peace, strength and
love!
My journey is not over, I do not know where I will
end up but I have thrown my energies into
studying, doing an MA in Woman and Child
Abuse so that I can better understand the
dynamics behind abuse and work out how to
change the world for us all.
Making The Invisible Visible
Domestic abuse is not exclusive to a particular
socio-economic group. The reality is that you're
just as likely to bump into a victim or perpetrator
buying truffle oil at Waitrose as you are anywhere
else. A new information portal has launched that
aims to lift the lid. We interviewed the founder.
Making The Invisible Visible
the truth about domestic
abuse and class.
the guest interview
I
t's
hard to see yourself as a victim of domestic abuse when your
children are at a fee-paying school and you drive a BMW, but, the old
image of a "battered wife" whilst still prevalent in the minds of many, is
no longer an accurate depiction of domestic abuse. This month, CChat
interviews the founder of a new information portal to find out a little
more.
He kept me, my mother and brother in a
perpetual state of fear and hypervigilance.
Hi, so tell me a bit about why you started your website Coercive-Control.com
Sure. Well, back in 2013 there was an article that appeared in Tatler Magazine that had a really memorable title: ‘Not Too
Posh To Punch’ I don’t consider myself “posh” but I guess I come from what would definitely be viewed as the more
privileged end of the spectrum and one of the things that I found incredibly difficult to deal with as a child was the belief that
domestic abuse didn’t happen to a certain kind of person. The presumption was that it was an issue that only affected
those from lower income households where a brutish-looking man of obvious dubious character would be beating you
black and blue – this was back in the 1970’s I hasten to add. So, that was the stereotype and we just didn’t fit it. My father
was a handsome, charismatic, ex-RAF chap and we had all the material trappings, but ‘behind closed doors’ my entire
childhood was devastated by his abusive, controlling behaviour. He kept me, my mother and brother in a perpetual state of
fear and hypervigilance. He was so terrifying that my mother and I (my brother was older and rarely home) sometimes had
to steal away to hotel rooms in the middle of the night, because if you called the police they’d say: ‘Sorry it’s just a
domestic we can’t intervene’. I’d then have to turn up at school the next day as if nothing was wrong. It was mortifying.
There was no one to turn to, no one ever spoke openly about this stuff, so it became a source of profound secret shame.
So these childhood experiences led you to becoming a campaigner for DA victims?
Well, actually,no. For most of my life, not at all. I had a lot of confusion about my childhood as I knew it wasn’t normal, but it
just didn’t fit the mould of what anyone was openly talking about. He drank, but it wasn’t overt alcoholism. He pushed and
shoved and came right up to your face, but it wasn’t overt violence. What it was, was overt verbal abuse: control and
domination. However, because there were no visible wounds it was hard to quantify. My mother couldn’t leave him as he
held all the finances and my father made it clear she’d never get a penny and anyway, we knew he wouldn’t have hesitated
to make our lives an even worse kind of living hell if we tried. So, we all had to learn to live with it and instead find a way to
just sort of ‘manage’ it - and him. Walking on eggshells doesn’t even begin to cover it. So, to answer your question, even
though he mellowed slightly in his very old age, I definitely didn’t feel that I wanted to go and talk about this issue to help
others deal with, or recognise, abuse. To be honest I just wanted to get far away from home and put it all behind me.
Besides, in later years, things did start to change for women, so maybe I believed things were happening. I certainly don’t
really recall ever contemplating activism. I know divorce laws were radically improved. Domestic Violence became far more
recognised too, but again in my mind, we still didn’t really fit the profile because the narrative was solely around violent
behaviour. What had, and was still, happening to us didn’t seem to fit any description, so at the time the changes didn’t
help us.
Making The Invisible Visible
So you are talking about psychological
abuse?
Yes, definitely. Nowadays of course, I know it to
have been textbook psychological and economic
abuse.
So in 2013 you read ‘Not Too Posh to Punch’
and it brought it all to the fore for you?
Yep, the article was (as, sadly, is still too often the
case) about physical violence, hence the word
‘punch’ in the title, but it was tackling a taboo
about who it happens to. More importantly, it
made mention, even though this was still two
years before the Coercive Control legislation was
passed, of the, then, recent change in March
2013 to the non-statutory cross-government
definition to include controlling behaviour. It was
an ah-ha moment for me as it came to my
attention exactly at time when I was seriously
struggling with life.
Tell me more.
So, I entered into this relationship with this
charming lawyer. He was older than me and
because of his maturity and the profession you
automatically assume integrity and honesty –
especially if that’s what they are telling you. He
was very clear he was only looking for something
serious.. However, the way this relationship
unfolded was so insidious - in fact almost sinister.
I now look back and feel I was targeted. I can only
describe it to people as like being caught up in in
a spin drier. You know, one that spins you wildly
then slowly turns everything this way, then that,
then suddenly gives a final super-fast spin. It was
like that. It was the gradual, yet seemingly
random, wearing down of my sense of reality, my
will and my spirit: the lies and gaslighting, the
cognitive dissonance, the smears, the intermittent
physical violence. It still makes me shudder to
think how under his control I became. It was very
different to my father’s abuse too as he was totally
inconsistent.
“I still have a great deal of disbelief about this”
Still struggling with being a child of an
abusive parent you mean?
No. I still have a great deal of disbelief about this,
but I was struggling with an abusive partner.
Somehow, even though I had, by then, worked
through all my parental issues, I had still managed
to swop a childhood with an abusive father for a
relationship with someone who gaslighted and
controlled me, to the point that I didn’t recognise
myself. It shook me to my core. In fact it collapsed
my very foundations because he was my first
partner after my long (and happy) marriage ended
and it came out of left field. My marriage had
ended really amicably by most people’s standards
- and at my behest. Even so, I’d deliberately taken
a few years out to ensure that I was healed from
that and not on any rebound. Plus, I’d already
completed years and years of therapy,
psychology courses, residential courses like the
Hoffman Process and been deep ‘down the rabbit
hole’. Indeed, by the time I met this partner I had
been coaching others for a living for a number of
years and was pretty respected for my advice
about the importance of good values and solid
self-worth. So, if anyone was the very definition of
‘sorted and ‘self-aware’ at that stage, it was me.
It was the never knowing which way was up or
which way I was going to be ‘spun’ next (or why),
that so destabilised me. This along with the fact
that he had cleverly coerced me into a position
where I lost my financial independence, while
swearing that he had my back and asking me to
trust him, destroyed my equilibrium. In fact it had
followed an exact pattern. He put me way up on a
pedestal and adored me, then started devaluing
me in private so that I lost my confidence, coerced
me to keep spending money, then triangulated
and engineered me to cast him aside when I’d run
out of money. I felt like I’d been in a war - totally
shell-shocked. If it had just been violence, I may
have easily recovered. The problem is with the
economic abuse, it follows you into the future. I
knew I’d never be able to recoup what I’d lost. By
far the worst of it though was the post-separation
control. That truly ‘did me in’. No one should be
able to physically abuse, coerce and control a
women with a young teenage child and then use
the law to avoid accountability and to perpetrate
further psychological abuse. He tried. He used
legal letters to try and silence me and threats of
huge cost sanctions if I spoke out. The coercive
control law couldn’t be used as it only came on
the books in late 2015.
Making The Invisible Visible
I also struggled with the ‘Whys’: Why me? Why
when I was so emotionally aware and settled?
Why did my daughter have to suffer? Why did he
want to do this to us? etc., etc. Even before the
relationship ended I’d been referred to the crisis
intervention unit, but with the post-separation
tactics on top I ended up in the NHS (outpatients)
trauma unit being diagnosed with C-PTSD.
So you became a DA campaigner.
Yes, absolutely. In the Tatler article one of the
comments from the woman being interviewed was
that she said she would never have gone to
Refuge (the charity). I felt the same. As far as I
was aware Women’s Aid, Refuge and all these
charities were only there to help people who were
being physically battered and certainly weren’t
there for women with ‘affluent’ partners or
backgrounds. At that time though in 2013, just as
things were getting really, really bad with this guy,
The end result is that just over five years on from
reading that Tatler article I decided to put all I
have learned about coercive and controlling
behaviour throughout my life down in one place. I
don’t really see it as my website, which is why I
am not promoting it with my name. I see it as an
information portal. This is not about me (although
I have included my in-depth story on there) it’s to
help other women, to raise awareness particularly
about post- separation control and to point to
information I wish I had known.
I’ve seen your Post-Separation Control portal
and it’s packed full of great information and
resources. Well done.
Thank you.I think it’s also around four years or
more since we first met? I’m a huge admirer of
your work in the coercive control arena. It’s great
that we can amplify each other’s work in this way.
I love being involved with so many strong,
inspirational women.
“I also struggled with the ‘Whys’: Why me?”
I saw Sandra Horley’s comment in that Tatler
article. She spoke about how abusers are just as
likely to be Lawyers, Accountants or Judges.
When I managed to pick myself up off the floor I
decided to approach the, then, CEO of Women’s
Aid, Polly Neate and ask if I could play an active
role in raising more awareness about this
demographic and help make it clear that all
women suffer equally. I adored Polly from the
moment I met her and there began an association
with the charity which has lasted to this day –
despite Polly (and now Katie Ghose and Sian
Hawkins) moving on. It was as if there was some
type of divine timing at work. Simultaneously one
of my friends was about to become Chairman of a
party political association so I also got involved in
political activism and women in politics. I met Jess
Phillips, Maria Miller and a host of other politicians
prominent in the area of domestic abuse and
really got stuck in. A short while later I also
crossed paths with Dr Nicola Sharp-Jeffs just as
she was looking for government funding to start
up a charity dealing with Economic Abuse (SEA)
so I was able to help in championing greater
awareness of economic abuse from the start.
I wanted to show my daughter that a woman can
be like Phoenix, rise from the ashes of despair
and take a stand and help change things for
others. There’s still a way to go but I think we are
both achieving that.
The information portal can be found at:
Coercive-control.com
Making The Invisible Visible
emma sutcliffe
why do people hate family court?
P
eople
hate family court for the same reasons they hate hospitals;
something pathological has happened to you that you cannot resolve
alone and you have to put your life in the hands of people who are
deemed to be more expert about your condition than you are.
‘Our case’ was just a lose:lose for the entire family.
If you’re in family court you’ve likely been through something painful, there’s no guarantee it will stop
hurting and the interventions themselves cause bruises. There’s also a hefty bill at the end and the
surrounding quality of life direct and indirect costs of loss of earnings and utter exhaustion. Plus …
like lots of diseases, it might not go away, it might come back; next time it could be fatal. Why the
determined correlation with medicine? I’m trying to align what I know with what I’ve experienced –
knowledge of facts and wisdom of interpretation. I’ve been a medical writer for 25 years following a
degree in medical biochemistry and application of that in the research and development of
medicines.
My entire nature is that of enquiry and fact-based decision making and behaviours. I believe in logic,
cause and effect, sensibly following ‘doctor’s orders’. I’ve also spent too much time in family court as
a petitioner which saw 18 hearings in 22 months. My faith in facts, practitioners and the sensibility of
court orders was put to the test before, during and after every one of those hearings. It was like
preparing for surgery. Let’s cut to the end result to be able to get back to the original question of
‘hatred’: although technically ‘I won’ — as in the contact order I applied for (on police
recommendation) was granted — the experience was like surgery without anaesthetic where you
leave feeling as though the presenting diseases may have been excised but fragments of infection
are lingering away in septic reservoirs leaving with you a body and mind too irreversibly damaged to
recover and parent well. ‘Our case’ was just a lose:lose for the entire family.
Both families; the old and the new and the penumbrae of families around us. Our case had its ‘final
hearing’ (an oxymoron if you consider that toxic parenting is a chronic condition) more than a year
ago. I’m still haunted by the ghosts of hearings past and have my very own reservoir of Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder leaving a lasting impression. The reality of the court orders is that unlike
doctor’s orders, I’m already forced into breaking them and live every day with the fresh fear that
CAFCASS will find me to be in breach and my ex husband will take me back to court.
Because family court transacts on what has happened and assumes that children’s needs are fixed.
Funnily enough, children grow and change whereas court orders don’t (without another set of
injurious hearings reopening wounds) and as I now have a sentient, articulate adolescent
determinedly refusing to stay at Dad’s house that essentially turns me into a criminal and opens me
up again to allegations of the never-proved, academically derided ‘junk theory’ of parental alienation.
Making The Invisible Visible
Like Andrew Wakefield’s infamous MMR causal
link to autism saw him struck off yet the myths still
perpetuate; parental alienation accusations
conveniently drown out what ironically is ‘the
voice of the child’ – child says ‘this is happening
to me; I don’t like it’. CAFCASS officers respond
with ‘they’re too young to know what they’re
saying, they are the mouthpiece of the parent’.
Pick a lane please. By all accounts, therefore, if
recent judges’ blunt condemnations that
‘alienating mothers should be subjected to a
three-strikes and you’re out’ – or imprisoned –
then who knows if my next blog will be about life
behind bars?
Therein lies the promulgation to distrust, fear,
anger — hatred.Despite living in purgatory, I have
been able to step back and consider what in the
hell happened there.
However, this isn’t about gender – it is about which
parent is the angriest parent in family court because
they are more likely to be the one also prepared to be
the most ruthless; to take the greatest risks.
When parties enter the court they will each know how
to attack and defend and how far the other is prepared
to go. The hate of family court is the knowledge that
parties will default to their character type and court
processes and practitioners by their very need to be
thorough and percipient to protect a child have to also
be open to the angriest party’s determination to exploit
those people and processes in continued pursuit of
punishment.
People hate family court because it prolongs the pain
of punitive pursuit. I could further my anecdotes and
detail the utterly ludicrous allegations postured at me
that I had to defend. But that would be pointless
precisely because I was able to defend them thanks to
a brilliant barrister and very caring solicitor who,
importantly, were able to get me to listen all the while
that my anger and fears were raging towards a
maelstrom that possibly would have seen me lose
custody of my own children and only be permitted
supervised visits.
"It becomes too easy to archetype ‘all mums are histrionic and cry wolf on
domestic abuse’ or ‘all dads are intimidating and claim parental alienation’."
As such, both the practices of medicine and law
are ones which rely on its participants and
processes being underpinned by integrity and
accuracy. Trust should therefore be implicit.
However, neither medicine nor law
accommodates human nature and emotions –
which when put under pressure will contort and
eclipse rational and logical decision-making.
When afraid, hurt, confused or distressed the
easiest of the emotion to employ is anger. Family
court is that A&E part of the hospital where anger
dominates; complex decisions are being made
amidst a melee of jargon, allegations, process
and manipulation.
It becomes too easy to archetype ‘all mums are
histrionic and cry wolf on domestic abuse’ or ‘all
dads are intimidating and claim parental
alienation’. If my ex had got his way and the full
force of his anger and risk-taking of out and out
lies had succeeded in influencing the judge as
they biased the CAFCASS officer throughout
proceedings then this story might have been very
different indeed and even have seen our children
placed in the care system.
I won’t comment on the allegations because that’s the
subject of a different blog (how narcissistic parents
behave in court). But that is why only relying on ‘facts’,
denying how emotions can influence behaviours and
seeing things in the fixed black/white process of the
law is merely sticking a plaster over a seeping wound.
People hate family court because it is sterile and
doesn’t accurately reflect life outside the chambers.
The law is fixed, but life is fluid. And people’s emotions
over their children will always spill over … the angrier,
the louder, the more heinous the allegations, the blunt
threats and brinksmanship of disingenuous
practitioners … when faced with the prospect of fight or
flight, most mothers without strong legal support will
run. There needs to be allowance for the emotions of
all parties and just as a good doctor seeks to help the
physical and holistic needs of a patient; so too must
family court consider the importance of helping and
communicating that it should be a place for resolution
rather than fuelling hatred. That can only begin when
we seek to align knowledge of facts and wisdom of
interpretation.
To read more of Emma writing, check out her blog:
https://eldconsulting.wordpress.com
Making The Invisible Visible
interviewing the editor
A
lovely
but rather persistent friend who has asked to remain nameless
has been wanting to interview me for a while, on the basis that I tend
to focus on the experiences of others but not much is known of what
led me to become a campaigner and start this magazine. It actually
ended up being a really long chat that lasted several hours.
Here is a short extract:
What were you doing before you started raising awareness of coercive control?
Well, primarily I was a mum but I also worked. I wanted my work to be flexible,to be able to fit in
around the school runs and to be able to alter my schedule in case one of the children became ill.
with four children,it was pretty full-on. I decided to become self employed for a better work/life
balance. My last job, before I became a mother, was working at Lloyd’s of London, I was part of a
team helping to implement a reconstruction and renewal plan to cap losses on run-offs and my job
was to ascertain the prevalence of inter-syndicate disputes. I knew that staying in the insurance
market held no allure once I'd given birth, so I trained to be a Pilates teacher, set up a Pilates
machine studio in Suffolk. In the early days, I missed London dreadfully so spent Mondays working
at a studio in South Kensington, just around the corner from an amazing patisserie, but that stopped
when my second child was born. I probably taught Pilates for about 15 years and, over the years,
had various add-ons to make life more interesting.
So what other things did you do?
Well, for a while I was a supplier of physiological footwear that helped engage the same core
stabilising muscles used in pilates, so I taught gait sessions which was actually far more interesting
than it sounds! I was also a personal shopper which sort of developed as a result of clients asking
me to go shopping with them.
Did you enjoy that?
I have to say, I really didn’t. I really don’t like shopping but I do like a bargain and have always been
particularly good at finding them.
What was your best buy?
I'd have to say it was a Prada skirt that retailed at £500 or so and I got for just over £10. At the time it
fitted beautifully and I couldn't believe my luck when I came across it.
You’ve told me before that you also had a market stall?
Ha! Yes! For a while I had a stall at a farmers' market selling macaroons, or, to be more accurate.
macarons. As with most things in my life, it started by accident. I seem to be a stranger to the idea of
having some great well thought out plan! I made some macarons for myself one day and they turned
out surprisingly well, which doesn't always happen when I cook! I made way too many so handed
them out to clients and then started getting orders for them. Before the market stall, I producing them
for a farm shop in Cambridge. At the time it was unexpected and very exciting.
Making The Invisible Visible
What made you stop?
Ahh, well many reasons. Being pregnant with my
fourth child and nausea made things much more
challenging but the main reason was that the
person I was in a relationship with at the time
didn’t want me to do it. He spent a lot of time
trying to dissuade me. telling me what a waste of
time it was , how I needed to give it up as it was
affecting our relationship.
That’s pretty awful. Did it?
I never thought so,to be honest.It was something I
loved doing and although it meant I was spending
less time with him, I was really happy and I
thought that would be good for the relationship.
He didn't see it that way and was continually
trying to sabotage what I was doing. At the time I
put it down to the fact that he only wanted to be
with me but, on reflection, I realise he was
threathened by the attention I was getting.
How do you mean?
Well, at the time macarons were very popular but
not that easy to buy, in deepest Suffolk so I ended
up being interviewed for a fair number of local
papers and magazines, as well getting an
invitation to appear on a food programme. I
noticed a pattern where, the night before I was
due to meet a journalist or a photographer, he
would initiate a row and he wouldn't let me go to
sleep so, the next day, I would be shattered.
How did it make you feel?
Pretty crap, to be honest. I couldn't understand
what was happening. He just seemed really
determined that I stop with the macarons.
Why do you think he did this, was he jealous?
I really don’t know, but I'd say he was definitely
threatened by it.There was the time I exhibited at
the Aldeburgh Food and Drink Festival.On the first
day I sold out of everything I had cooked for the
whole weekend. I had to go home and cook more
macarons.I had asked him to help me package
them up, not expecting a problem as it meant
there would be quite a bit of money coming in, but
he totally refused.
That wasn't even the worst of it.
He engineered a row, shouting at me, telling me
he didn't want to be a father, he didn't want to be
married to me and then he stormed out.
Making The Invisible Visible
“He just turned up at the house as though nothing had
happened and I was just expected to forget about it.”
Oh God, that’s awful. What did you do?
Well, I didn’t have any choice. I had to carry on
cooking, you know? The show must go on. I
stayed up all night to get everything done and the
next day, drove back to Aldeburgh.
That night, he just turned up at the house as
though nothing had happened and I was just
expected to forget about it. Pretty much the same
thing happened when I went on a food
programme.
So you stopped?
Yes. It was too hard having to fight him all the
time and it was just easier to give up. After the
birth, I focused on the pilates and that more or
less continued until I decided to hold the first
Conference on Coercive Control in 2015 by which
time, the relationship had been over for a while.
Did it work?
What do you mean?
Did stopping with the macarons make things
better?
Oh, yes, I follow. At first it did but it wasn't long
before he expected me to give up other things.
Such as?
He wanted me to sell the house and start up a
small holding in the Czech Republic.
Crikey, I'm glad you didn't.
Yeah, so am I
What made you decide to hold the
conference?
Ha! That's a story for another day. Let's put the
kettle on...
to be continued.......
Making The Invisible Visible
The interview
Liz Gibbons
Liz Gibbons is an
ex-police detective,
specialised in the
area of child
protection and
online abuse.
She began working
for the Cithrah
Foundation, a
domestic abuse
charity when she
and her family
moved to Northern
Ireland.
Liz has worked
with Cithrah to try
and establish the
first male refuge for
the whole of
Ireland, has
pioneered an
Interest Safety
Programme for
schools and
community groups,
before beginning
the Keep project,
which is funded by
Comic Relief, in
August 2017.
Liz is also a music
graduate and that is
how she unwinds.
C
cchat
is delighted to be interviewing Liz
Gibbons on the Keep Project. One of the
biggest problems facing victims of domestic
abuse is in collecting evidence, especially
where incidents are minor and may not result in
physical injury and this App could well be the
answer.
Where did the idea for the Keep App come from?
My professional history is in the police where you often visit the same
home many times in relation to domestic abuse. The kind of
information you’re asking victims to recall – what day, what time etc –
is so difficult for them to keep a track of; details like that can become a
blur in the trauma of everything else that is happening. The content of
incidents is more readily remembered than the surrounding facts – the
timing and the chronology etc - but these surrounding facts are
powerful, and we wanted to put that power into victims’ hands. We
wanted to design something that would enable them to keep an
accurate record of their own story and in doing so be empowered to
pursue whatever course of help / justice / support they want to.
When you say “we”: who are the Cithrah Foundation?
The Cithrah Foundation is a domestic abuse charity based in
Carrickfergus, Northern Ireland. We have a refuge consisting of selfcontained
apartments with trained support staff on hand providing a
range of services. We also have a drop-in centre at our office, and
offer a counselling, advice and support service free of charge and for
as long as individuals need us. We don’t discriminate in any way – not
according to time or finance, as much as gender, religion, orientation,
age and so on. We are a growing charity and are also seeking to
pioneer the first male refuge in Northern Ireland.
Has the purpose of the Keep evolved since your original idea?
Very much so, it has really grown! We had originally envisaged it as an
App with a mainly evidential purpose, and while it still retains that
benefit at its heart, our research has shown that it has a much wider
and more adaptable purpose. During our research we noticed a clear
difference between the benefits victims envisaged the App as providing
and those the professionals observed: victims spoke of many different
therapeutic and emotional reasons to use the Keep and professionals
saw the evidential, financial, legal and organisational benefits! We
know of counsellors encouraging clients to use the Keep to keep a
record of a range of issues to note changes, improvements, triggers
and so forth. We know of some people using it within neighbour
dispute scenarios, and others to note incidents in their children of
epileptic and autistic episodes to help them monitor behaviour and
changes etc. So as well as primarily empowering victims of domestic
abuse, the Keep is also supporting people in many other situations of
need.
Making The Invisible Visible
"It’s a good way to tell others when words are
difficult – family, friends, counsellor"
"I can express myself openly, in my own words,
without feeling judged "
"It brings truth against the lies like “I’m a
failure…stupid…to blame…weak”
Where did the name come from?
The name has a few significant meanings for us.
A keep is a place of safety - which is close to our
hearts in itself – and furthermore, it is a place of
safety in a castle, and we are based in
Carrickfergus which has a fantastic castle! Also,
the word “keep” means to store, to keep a hold of,
and that is what the App is enabling people to do.
So how does the App work?
What have victims themselves had to say
about using the Keep?
The feedback we have had so far has been really
encouraging; these are some of the comments we
have had about the help it offers:
"It means I don’t have to try and hold the details in
my head"
"I can “release” the need I have to “tell” when
something has happened"
"I want to preserve the facts for my children"
"I need to establish some of my own control"
"It really helps prevent denial / confusion / diluting
of the facts "
"I can measure the journey I’ve already covered
and am encouraged to keep going"
"It gives me some sanity back: “I’m not going
crazy / this isn’t my imagination”
" It brings clarity into the “storm” and that sense of
my mind being messed up"
I have something that he isn’t aware of,
something that’s on my terms not his"
The App appears on a phone as a Reminders
List; we felt this was something universal that can
be personalised to each individual user. On
registration the user is asked to create a “Special
Reminder” – this is effectively their password.
Once they have created the Special Reminder,
whenever they input it into the Reminders List it
will take them to the App itself. Anything else they
input on the list will just be logged on it as a
routine reminder.
The App template is 12 important questions
followed by an area to release feelings and
emotions at the end. Data is stored in encrypted
form and can be inputted by writing or by audio,
and there is the facility to include photos and
videos that do not store in the phone’s gallery. At
the end of an entry data is sent and stored
remotely – always leaving the App template
empty.
An important feature is that data cannot be
returned to the phone once sent away – this is to
preserve the evidential integrity. Additional entries
can be added if necessary, but information cannot
be edited once it has been sent.
Whenever a user wants to read their entries, they
just need to log on the Keep website, then go into
the App and press the button on the bottom right
corner labelled “web passcode”. This generates a
code for them to use as access to their data. The
code lasts 30 seconds, and saves users from
having to remember another password.
Making The Invisible Visible
So is it totally secure?
We are confident that it is discreet and
as secure as we can make it - much
time and care has been invested in
designing the Keep to be both simple
and secure – but we are not claiming
that the App is totally secure. That
would be a very difficult claim to make.
Who is the Keep App suitable for?
Primarily, the Keep has been created
for all victims of domestic abuse – both
those still living with the perpetrator
and those who are not. It is also
adaptable to many other scenarios too
in which people need to keep a careful
log of their own unfolding story.
The Keep App is available
for IOS and Android
Making The Invisible Visible
Defendant Keith Raniere, founder of NXIVM, an alleged cult was
arrested and indicted on a number of charges including sex trafficking
and conspiracy to commit forced labour
His trial is ongoing.
The techniques used by cult leaders to coerce, control and groom are
very similar to the tactics used by domestic abusers.
These techiques are also employed by unscrupulous therapists and
'New Age' healers who gravitate towards women who have just come
out of a relationship.
This is Melissa's* story
*names have been changed.
.
Making The Invisible Visible
“I believe he saw himself as a small town
cult leader, doing women a favour"
melissa's story
“ He told me of his 'service work' that is, all of his free meditation
groups which he insisted would help lift up the vibration of humanity.”
I met Theo* at a Mind Body Spirit Festival. He
was offering Angel card readings and having just
read a book by Doreen Virtue about angels, I was
interested to know more. I can't really remember
much of what he said as the venue was loud and
the acoustics were bad. He was very softly
spoken, so I struggled to hear. Theo had a habit
of holding his hands together, palms touching, in
the prayer position, it gave him an air of humility
and made me slightly less uncomfortable that he
was sitting very close to me. I could feel the
warmth of his breath and I found this unnerving,
so was reluctant to ask him to speak up but, after
the reading, I still took his card and left.
I had come to the festival with some girlfriends
who were really into 'New Age' stuff like crystals
and card readings, and they raved about the
event, how it had energised them, how 'deep' it
was and how it had raised their vibrations but, at
that point, I was still undecided about the whole
experience.
Not long after, my relationship broke up. I had
found out that my boyfriend of four years had
cheated with more than one woman and the
betrayal devastated me. Having reached 'rock
bottom', I remembered I still had Theo's card and
rang him to book a 'Crystal Healing' treatment.
I couldn't really tell you much about the session as
I dozed off. He had told me to fight off any urge to
fall asleep and suppress any urge to cough or
sneeze but I hadn't slept in several days, was
exhausted and could not stay awake.
At the begining of the 'treatment' he had asked me
to fill in a comprehensive form that asked all kinds
of questions about my personal life, my medical
history, even questions such as whether or not i
had had an abortion. Looking back, I remember
feeling uncomfortable but I was desperate to stop
feeling this aching grief so I put all feelings of
doubt aside.
After the session, he suggested I choose some
crystals which would help continue the work that
he started. He had identified some negative
energy and told me to be guided by my intuition
as it would know which crystals to choose, and
also that I make another appoinment so he could
'cut the cords' between me and my ex. Theo told
me that, at some level, he and I were still attached
and that it was preventing me from healing and
moving on.
I didn't' really understand. It was all very 'far out'
for me but I had slept and reasoned that it was
worth booking another session just for the sleep.
The next time I arrived at his shop, he told me he
had a cancellation and so, if I had extra time, we
could have a cup of tea and have a chat as
knowing a little more about me would enable him
to give me a much better 'treatment'.
I thought this was incredibly generous of him and
interpreted it as his commitment towards helping
others. This was further confirmed when he told
me of his 'service work' that is, all of his free
meditation groups which he insisted would help lift
up the vibration of humanity.
Making The Invisible Visible
By the time I had finished my tea, I had told him
all about my relationship breakup and he had told
me of how, in all of his past relationships, he had
been cheated on. At the time, I thought he was
extremely unlucky and was actually grateful that I
had only been in one relationship like that. I asked
Theo if he had ever cheated and he told me he
hadn't but his ex wives thought that, because he
was always surrounded by women and they were
always phoning him, he must have, but he
assured me that he was helping the women on
their journey on the 'Ascension Path' and that it
was his obligation to maintain a soul connection
with each of them.
As Theo spoke, I too was starting to feel a
connection. He was trusting me with his personal
information and I was flattered that he felt he
could open up to me like this. His experiences
also seemed to put my troubles into perspective
and made me feel guity for seeming so selfish.
The second ‘ treatment ‘ was very different to the
first. He kept telling me to 'stay in the moment' as
he chanted out strange names that he later told
me were 'Ascended Masters'. He held a quartz
pendulum over me to 'dowse'.
When the session ended, it suddenly got very
dark. Theo told me that he had been repairing
some tears in my 'etheric field'. I didn't know what
that meant but he proceeded to tell me about my
various past lives. What struck me was how
gruesome it was. In one past life, my hand had
been chopped off for stealing bread for my family,
in another, I had been killed by a ruler who had
feared my healing power. I had also been buried
alive, witnessed my soulmate and children being
murdered and been cast out of society.
The only positive thing that came out of looking at
my past lives was that I had been a powerful
healer. Everything else was a mass of violence,
betrayal and despair. I was incredibly upset, felt
as though my whole existence was doomed and
broke down in tears but, I had already been at
Theo's shop for several hours and needed to get
home so I left in great distress.
The next day, Theo rang me to ask how I was. He
told me that I had an extraordinary soul and an
exceptionally high vibration and that once I had
learnt my past-life lessons, I would have a magical
life full of abundance and joy. I had spent the
night crying as I had felt so low so this was good
to hear. It was certainly better than what I had
envisaged for myself. Determined to stop my past
life from repeating itself, I booked a third session
with Theo.
Making The Invisible Visible
Theo told me that, if I was comfortable, I could
place the crystal phallus inside my underwear but
I wasn't. We continued the 'treatment' with him
once again calling on the 'Ascended Masters.'
A few days later, Theo rang me to say a crystal
had come into the shop and he felt that I would be
drawn to it. I went to take a look. It was a beautiful
geode and cost £470. I told him that it was way
too much but he told me to take it home and
connect with it, saying I could bring it back, if I
didn't want it. He told me that once I had taken the
crystal home, I would not want to be without it and
that money was not an issue as he saw a life of
abundance for me.
I was taken aback by his generosity and asked
him if he was worried I’d steal it. He told me he
had seen inside my soul and we had connected
on a spiritual level so it was all good.
This time, when I arrived at his shop, Theo was
with another woman. He introduced me as his
friend and told her about my exceptionally high
vibration and my potentia as a great healer.
She was really excited and promptly told me that I
had a wonderful aura, before hugging me and
telling me how blessed she was to have met me.
She then hugged Theo, who then hugged me. To
an outsider, it must have looked as though we
had known each other for years.
The next day I paid him money I had put aside for
my rent. Looking back, I now realise that was the
point at which he "owned" me. I had invested a
huge amount of money I could not afford into
something that I now could not afford to fail.
It suddenly reminded me of all those pyramid
schemes selling water filters and the like, where
an initial investement was needed to travel up the
rung. I put that thought to one side.Theo didn’t
want me to sell water filters. He told me that I was
on this earth to heal people ,that it was my higher
calling. If it didn't work out, I could always sell the
geode to someone else, I reasoned, it was a
win;win.
“The next day I paid him money I had put aside for my rent.
Looking back, I now realise that was the point at which he "owned" me.”
for this 'treatment', Theo told me I needed to learn
certain karmic lessons or else I would always end
with someone who would cheat on me. He once
again he told me of the many women who had
cheated on him and how he understood my pain. I
felt a huge surge of warmth towards him and
wanted to hug him but didn't.
I once again lay down on the massage table as
Theo talked about chakras and energy points
whilst placing several crystals on me. He then
pulled out a velvet pouch and pulled out a rose
quartz phallus. He told me it would help heal any
sexual hang-ups that could be responsible for me
making poor relationship choices, before placing
the phallus on my pubic bone.
Theo sent me lots of texts. He had a very
particular style of corresponding.Certain words
would always be in capital letters, words like:
Healing, Love, Blessings, Light, Energy, Higher
Self, Universe. I soon realised that he also talked
like that- using the inflections in his voice-to
denote some kind of deeper meaning. He got me
to sign up to one of his crystal healing courses.
Yet more money, but I was on the train and it
hadn’t yet arrived at my destination. The course
would be held over a weekend.
The night before the course, Theo rang to tell me
how much he was looking forward to teaching and
working with me. He suggested that I place my
geode at the foot of my bed in order to absorb the
healing energy in preparation for the next day.
Making The Invisible Visible
Once again, he placed the crystal on my pubic
bone. I was much more uninhibited than before,
so placed it inside my underwear. What followed
next seems vague. Maybe because it was the first
time I was stoned, I don’t know, but he looked
straight into my eyes and told me that, for the
treatment to work fully, I would need to have sex
with someone other than my ex. I remember
laughingly telling him I wasn’t in the mood to trawl
the streets looking for someone to have sex with
me. At that point, he kissed me. We ended up
having sex and I stayed the night.
The following day was the second day of the
healing course and we spent it smoking weed,
looking at crystals and having sex. It was the start
of a relationship that would last several
weeks.Theo told me I was his 'soul mate', his 'twin
flame'. He knew as soon as he saw me. He saw a
future for us, working together to raise the
vibration of the universe.
As soon as I arrived at his shop,Theo told me he
had 2 cancellations, so I was his only client. I
offered to go home, but he insisted on teaching
me so that I would be ready to work with him
sooner.
The first day ended at around 5.00. It was
interesting but intense as much of what he said
was new to me. Theo asked me if I had any
questions so he made a cup of tea and we talked,
as we ate the left over sandwiches.
My training consisted of working in Theo's shop.
He wanted me to fee accustomed to the various
energies emitted by the different crystals and it
seemed like a good way of increasing my
knowledge, except, that he never paid me. At the
time, I was happy to work for free. We were in a
relationship, I reasoned, and it had never entered
my thoughts that he could be exploiting me.
It never occured to me until afterwards. I now
realise that even though we were supposedly in a
relationship, he was still charging me retail for the
crystals. Looking back, I was never paid for any
work I did and he encouraged me to spend money
I did not have on crystals I did not need.
“He also told me that the best way to break my bonds with my ex
and stop me being drawn to bad relationships
was to use the rose quartz crystal phallus.”
At one point, Theo got up and asked if I wanted a
'Bud'. I automatically assumed he meant a beer
so I accepted but, he returned carrying a joint. It
was my first time smoking cannabis and I became
woozy and giggly. Theo told me how cannabis
helps people connect with their 'Higher Self'. He
suggested we meditate.
With my new-found knowledge of the properties of
the crystas, I was keen to choose the stones.He
showed me another crystal phallus and told me
that the best way to break my bonds with my ex
and stop me being drawn to bad relationships was
to use it both in my mediation.
I giggled, out of embarrassment but was also very
relaxed and so I allowed him to lead me to
his massage couch.
The relationship, if I can call it that, ended
suddenly. I was at the supermarket one day and a
woman came up to me asking if I was Theo's
latest conquest. Taken aback by her manner, I
lied and said 'no'.
The woman told me she was glad as he had a
reputation of drawing in women who had recently
become divorced or single by claiming they were
natural healers, sleeping with them and getting
them to work in his shop for free. I asked her how
she knew and she told me that she had been one
of the women, and so had her daughter. I felt sick
to the stomach and stupid, really, really stupid. I
made my excuses to leave.
Theo never heard from me again.
Making The Invisible Visible
Since meeting that woman, I have come across
several other women who have shared a similar
experience and it has left me highly sceptical of
the 'New Age' scene.
Theo, and he is by far not the only one, surrounds
himself with groups of women who all seem to
believe he is some kind of 'Higher Vibrational
Being'. Many have also worked in his shop or
attended festivals with him whilst he has plied
them with free crystals and drugs.
Being surrounded by all these women also gives
a false impression that he is trustworthy and safe
whereas I now realise he is a sexual predator who
preys on women looking for answers to a better
life, finding a soulmate or to ease their pain.
He reminds me of an esoteric Pied Piper, using
shiny stones to lure his prey and the more I think
about it, the more convinced I am that Theo sees
himself as some kind of cult leader, albeit on a
much more provincial scale.
He even talks the language of cults:
*Portals
*Transformation
*Activation
*Consciousness
*Reprogramming
*Enlightenment.
All designed to draw in women looking for
answers. With Theo, there is also an obsession
with phallic objects like the crystals and wands
and, what worries me most, is how the recently
bereaved, victims of abuse and rape, the newly
divorced, newly single or terminally ill will
invariably come into contact with him and there is
nothing to stop Theo and other unscrupulous and
exploitative people like him.
How many people has he offered a joint to,before
telling them that the best way of ridding
themselves of the ties of past relationships is to
have sex with someone else?
It worries me that preys on the vulnerable.
It worries me a lot.
Making The Invisible Visible
Recognizing manipulative or unethical behaviours in a psychic,
healer or spiritual teacher
1) They flatter you by claiming you have some unique gift.
2) You are expected to part with often quite substantial sums, to develop
that gift.
3) They can blow hot or cold. Really attentive one minute and distant and
dismissive the next. This is to ensure you become trauma bonded to them.
4) There is often a need to change your habits and diet which can leave
you disoriented and confused.
5) They claim to have some kind of connection with you.
6) They very quickly introduce you to other people who put them on a
pedestal, to convince you they are more special than they really are.
7) They discourage opinion.This is reinforced by the fact that everyone in
their group has exactly the same beliefs.
8) They disparage and will undermine the credibility of any other healers
or advocates who are performing similar work.
9) They seek out survivors who are desperate to heal.
10) They are not afraid to look into your eyes and claim they can see into
your soul.
11)They purposely push the boundaries to guage your reaction.
Making The Invisible Visible
Cath Kane
Director
Broad Cairn Associates
M: 07795 077728
www.broadcairnassociates.com
Making The Invisible Visible
Cath Kane
founder of Broad Cairn
Broad Cairn can
be found in the
Cairngorm
Mountains in
Scotland.
The word ‘cairn’
comes from the
Scottish Gaelic,
and means a
trail-marker,
especially
important in
hostile
territories.
They are built by
those who have
the courage and
sense of
adventure, to
mark out new
pathways.
C
aring
for the Carers:
Building Resilience
In 2015 the Guardian commissioned a survey looking into the impact of
working in public services on staff. The survey found that 93% of
respondents ‘feel stressed at work all, some, or a lot of the time; those
working in jobs ranging from social work to police and probation, social
housing to the NHS, civil service and charities’. The headline for the
article read ‘stressed, angry and demonised: council staff in austerity
Britain’ acknowledging that local government workers are feeling the
emotional strain of maintaining services with diminishing resources.
This raises the question; how can we build resilience in organisations
that support staff to effectively meet the ever-increasing demands of
delivering frontline services? Those of us who work or have worked in
local government and voluntary sector organisations, will have
experienced the pressures to deliver on national government policies
while offering appropriate, accessible services at local level that meet
the needs of our communities and service users. Localisation has
allowed local authorities to define their own priorities based on
community need. However, this has created challenges when
implementing national priorities such as changes in legislation to
address coercive control and psychological violence.
How can we ensure consistency in information, advocacy and support
when there may be gaps in services at local level? Austerity may have
reduced budgets, but the social issues they address have not reduced.
Most professionals working in the public sector and specialist third
sector are overwhelmed by demand. That demand for services is often
increased with successful public awareness campaigns, landmark
legal changes and political re-prioritisation. Welcomed as many of
these changes may be, for managers and staff responsible for
delivering change, the task may seem impossible at times.
Having managed a diverse range of teams, projects and partnerships
over the last thirty years, here are 3 things for senior managers to
consider when supporting your teams. 1. Build self-care strategies into
systems, processes and team conversations: this is an important
strategy to reduce stress and build resilience in your service. This also
embeds trauma-informed principles into organisational structure 2.
Foster control rather than dependency: if you can foster this in your
teams, then workers will be more able to authentically mirror this with
service users and recognise techniques to enable empowerment 3.
Foster a sense of trust: this allows staff to develop confidence and
reduces the stress of ‘getting it wrong’. In turn this can help staff build
positive relationships with service users, which is central to
understanding and managing risk.
Making The Invisible Visible
“There is huge gap between what we believe
and respond to as a domestic violence crime,
and the lived reality of battered women and
their children.”
Professor Evan Stark
Making The Invisible Visible
JENNIFER, 42 is an animated
documentary feature film that tells the
true story of Jennifer Magnano, a
suburban mom of three, and her
journey through a 15-year brutally
abusive marriage, the family's daring
escape, and their battle to be free from
the coercive control and violence of
husband and father, Scott.
The film is voiced by Jennifer's
children–Jessica, David, and
Emily–along with Jennifer’s best
friend Tracy, and experts who were
directly involved in the case.
To find out more:
www.jennifer42movie.com
Making The Invisible Visible
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