05.30.19

PW OPINION PW NEWS PW LIFE PW ARTS
•ADVICE•
BY PATTI CARMALT-VENER
THE NEW YOU
SELF-CARE BY A ‘MAN OF A CERTAIN
AGE’ CAN BE A HEALTHY EXPRESSION
AND ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN
Dear Patti,
My wife died 15 years ago and for the first time since I have a desire to settle
down again. I recently turned 60, however, and lately I seem to have become
invisible to women. In the past, I’ve had plenty of romantic success. Although
I’ve never been what people call classically handsome, I’ve always been known
for my conversation and personality. I am trying not to be superficial, but I am
starting to worry that what looks I had are now fading and I am looking my
age more than I used to. Also, while I have acquired some wealth, these days it
does not seem to be enough.
I recently tried online dating, but the few women that responded to my
requests seemed uneducated or too elderly. I don’t mind women in my age
bracket or even 10 years younger than me, but these women were not the
potential companions I was looking for. I’m physically and emotionally
healthy, a normal weight, intelligent and hopefully interesting, and I want
those qualities in a partner. This new trend of being unnoticed by women
makes me a little concerned. I find myself dieting, going to the gym daily, even
buying a new wardrobe. I want to enhance my mating power without losing
the real me or trying too hard. I don’t want to come across as shallow or fake
just to catch the attention of a good woman.
— Rob
Dear Rob,
It’s not shallow to want to be noticed by women and possibly find a life partner.
Encouraging your self-esteem and seeking a positive self-outlook isn’t superficial
at all. I agree that you should not lose the real you by reinventing yourself just to
find a wife. But it’s fine to present yourself well and look put together. Self-care
can be a healthy expression and, if done in moderation, can be very attractive to
a woman. Do whatever makes you feel happy, gives you confidence and supports
your efforts to be the man you want to be. Do this for yourself, though, not just to
please someone else.
It’s not uncommon in the arena of online dating for “women of a certain age”
to ignore the profiles and photographs of “men of a certain age.” Make an effort to
bring new faces into your life by participating in ongoing social gatherings, like
classes or clubs, and welcome social introductions made by others. It’s also essential
to keep an open mind. You don’t have to marry a woman to enjoy her company
over coffee. She may be younger or older, less educated or have less money, and
still end up being a meaningful friend.
In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve had a number of women share what triggers
them positively and negatively when dating men. The following characteristics
have more to do with inner character and heart than appearance or chronological
age.
Women often talk about wanting a man who knows the difference between
being loving and being needy. Loving someone is feeling secure and being aware
of the other person’s needs and happiness as well as your own. Being insecurely
attached or needy is obsessively thinking about how your own needs aren’t being
fulfilled. When love feels good, worry and fear are minimized. Insecure attachments
are constantly anxious and there’s a tendency to oblige the other person
because of fears of abandonment.
Women like men who can stand up for themselves and their beliefs but who
don’t cause a lot of drama, put excessive pressure on them, complain too much, or
have too many problems. Women appreciate men who have their own lives (and
whose lives are in relative order); know how to enjoy life; have their own interests,
activities, and circle of friends; and are independent and emotionally mature.
Women want men who have their own purpose beyond being in a relationship.
They also appreciate men who are responsive and able to really listen to them and
respond to the moment between them, rather than being distracted or zoning out.
There are a lot of great women out there looking for a stable relationship. But
with or without a woman, you need to keep your sense of purpose, maintain
close-knit bonds with others, live fully and vitally, and find a source of inspiration
that is bigger than you. n
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term
Psychotherapy, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has an office in Pasadena.
Contact her at (626) 584-8582 or email pcarmalt@aol.com. Visit her website, patticarmalt-vener.com
14 PASADENA WEEKLY | 05.30.19