7he_P1c7ure__Febru4ry_04,_2019

esporra

SUMMERNATS!

Burnout bonanza

100% AUSSIE

#1474

FEB 4, 2019

$5.95 NZ $6.45

Lady tradies

et

dirt on t eir glands

HOME GIRLS

NSW

WA

VIC

QLD

3 MILLION VIEWS

“MY BOOBS

BROKE THE

INTERNET!”

- Rachel


FRONT

THIS WEEK...

MƒN DOWN!

I JUST SAID

YOU COULD

LOSE A FEW

KEGS

Hungry

Hungry

Hi po

Bloke survives being munched

by two-tonne tearaway

HIPPOS kill more

people than any

other animal in

Africa. But why?

Maybe because they’re

sensitive about their

WEIGHT and fly off the

handle a bit too easily.

Or maybe it’s just that

they don’t like sharing their

POND, the greedy pricks.

But we reckon it’s mostly

because they’re CUNTS.

Local bloke Mathew

Wanjiuku felt the full force

of hippo cuntiness when

this lard-arse

Hippopotamus amphibious

got stuck into him near

Lake Naivasha, in Kenya.

Matt was having a bit of

a fish when the fat fucker

charged him, then

proceeded to GNAW on him

for 10 minutes before

Matt’s mates scared it away

by banging loudly on a

sheet of roofing metal with

some sticks.

Pretty fucken amazingly,

Matt was right as rain after

a couple of weeks in hossie.

The hippo had a

headache from all the

racket, apparently.

REGULARS

8 WOBBLY WORLD 10 NEWS FLASH! 24 YOU’RE JOKING 26 READERS’ WORLD

WRITE

28 SICK PICS 30 SOOK 33 PIN-UP 40 SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

42 CHEEKYCROSS 44 MOVIECROSS 48 FUCK YARNS 50 INTERNUTTERS

51 HOME GIRLS 68 HOME GIRL OF THE WEEK 70 GO FACT YOURSELF

CONTACT US

TO The Picture, PO Box 4088,

Sydney, NSW 2000

EMAIL picture@bauer-media.com.au

CALL (02) 9288 9686

facebook.com/picturemagazine

STOP FUCKEN PRESS! STOP FUCKEN PRESS! STOP FUCKEN


Worl

BEATE

Rachel’s

rack rules

4

SHE once nearly broke

the internet using just

her boobs, a red bikini

top and her own funky

dance moves.

But that stray minute of

BOUNCING BOOBITUDE earned

Rachel Williams a gazillion hits

on YouTube, with fans remixing

the footage so it went for over an

hour. Not that you’d NEED that

long, if you know what we mean.

If you believe the Pommy

model – and we DO – it was all

just a HAPPY ACCIDENT.

“It was just a bit of fun playing

around with the camera during a

shoot!” she SPOONTS.

“And then it went crazy and

everyone loved it! Someone

even made a 10 hour version!

It’s been great for me, though.


FREE-RANGE

FUNBAGS!


ld

BE ERS!

“I always have requests

for more bouncing boobs.”

We can see why. It’s the

sort of thing that tends to

stick in a bloke’s mind.

Rachel’s H-cup hooters

are so beaut it’s hard to

believe she was given shit at

school for being so blessed.

So, cleverly working on the

principle that if life gives you

big, bouncy lemons, you

make lots of lemonade,

Rachel launched herself into

the modelling scene and soon

the world was her LOBSTER.

“Once I get into the sexy

underwear and have all my

hair and make-up done it

puts me in a completely

different frame of mind – like

I could take over the world!”

Mission accomplished, we

reckon.

“IT WAS JUST A BIT OF FUN”


7


EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT TIT!

CAYMAN ISLANDS!

You don’t often see Seppo

rootress Faye Reagan at

the beach due to her MEGA

RANGA-NESS. Here her

mate Klaudia keeps a lookout

for stray BITS OF SUN.

MOSCOW!

Freya Von Doom, 147cm,

and Lena Anderson, 183cm,

are both seppo porn stars,

but they don’t see eye to eye.

More like eye to TIT. Might

be better if they lie down...

DALLAS!

Like any busy young woman,

Canadian model Kimmy

Makenzie doesn’t always

find time to do laundry, and

so must select her cleanest

pair of dirty knickers.

STOP FUCKEN PRESS! STOP FUCKEN PRESS! STOP FUCKEN PRESS!


PHOENIX!

Wendy Patton knows how

to get good service in a

restaurant. Hoick the twins

out and the waiters queue

for the honour of bringing

her stuff. Brilliant!

MENORCA!

Lacey Banghard loves

swimming but hates stray

jellyfish brushing against

her. So she keeps her

bikini top handy to wack

‘em if they get cheeky.

BARBADOS!

Being Poms, Rosie Jones

and Sabine haven’t a clue

what to do with boogie

boards. Back to the bar!

STOP FUCKEN PRESS! STOP FUCKEN PRESS! STOP FUCKEN PRESS!


T

S SHIT REALLY HAPPENED!

I’M READY

FOR THE

SECOND

COMING

FAR CANAL!

AUSSIE motocross and stunt legend Robbie Maddison couldn’t

be arsed taking a bus out to the Red Bull Knock Out beach

race at Scheveningen, Netherlands. Where’s the fun in that?

So he took his modified chook-chaser onto the canals of The Hague

and blatted his way out there on the water. Then when he got there,

the bloke who doubled for Daniel Craig for some of the stunts in the

James Bond movie Skyfall promptly sank. Oh well. It was fun while

it lasted.

PORN AGAIN

YUDY Pineda, the Columbian ex-novice nun who

chucked it in to be a nudie webcam model, has gone

the whole enchilada and made her first porno. Yudy

stars in a religious-themed FLOG FILLUM made by big

Seppo porno studio Bang Bros, released just a week ago.

Having spent eight years training to be a nun, then a

couple of years diddling herself on camera, she reckoned

God, being a TOP BLOKE, will understand.

I FEEL LIKE

A PIECE OF

MEAT...

SMOKE ON THE WATER!

TWO-FOR-ONE

AUSSIE identical twins Anna and Lucy DeCinque are

planning to get pregnant at the same time, by the

same bloke, and then pop out a bub each. The

wacky pair from Perth, who are rarely apart, finish each

other’s sentences, and describe themselves as “the

world’s most identical twins” are both hooked up with the

same guy, Ben Byrne, who they reckon they’d both marry

if it wasn’t, y’know, illegal. They announced their

pregnancy plans on Fox News, as you do.

HE’S ONE

OF US!

THIS poor Indian bloke

Anshu Kumar has a

bunch of conditions so

rare even his doctors don’t

know what they are. Anshu,

21, from Jagatpur, cops it

from his neighbours who call

him “the Alien” and “ET”,

but all he wants is for some

cluey medico to give him a

diagnosis and hopefully

start fixing him up. “I look

different and nobody likes

me because of this.

I want to get normal so that

I can marry.” We’re with ya,

Anshu!

NO I WON’T

FUCKEN

PHONE HOME!

STOP FUCKEN PRESS! STOP FUCKEN PRESS! STOP FUCKEN PRESS!


FUCKEN PRESS

Red Bull

LUCKY I DIDN’T

DRIVE THE

KENWORTH

TODAY

He’ll never live

this down

WHAT A MUG

THE bloke who tried to rob rising Brazilian

UFC star Polyana Viana on the streets of Rio

de Janeiro with a CARDBOARD GUN will be

re-thinking his career. When he ordered Polyana to

hand over her phone, she punched and kicked him

in the head, then held him in a choke hold until the

cops arrived. She beat him up so bad he had to be

taken to hossie before being charged.

DICK OF

A DOG

EVERYONE’S

had a

neighbour

with a dog that’s a

bit of a dick, but

what breed do ya

reckon this penisshaped

pooch is? Is

it a Cocker Spaniel?

A trouser terrier?

A labra-DOODLE

maybe? We’re

not sure, but

apparently if you

pat it too hard it

throws up on you,

then curls up and

goes to sleep.

He’s always

chasing the

pussy

WE DREW A

COCK ON IT

335

STOP FUCKEN PRESS! STOP FUCKEN PRE !


IS

SOMETHING

BURNING?

The Nats has changed, but it’s still pretty grouse


Death to

tyres!

THERE are people who

will tell you that

Summernats ain’t

what it used to be,

and in a way they’re right. If you

went to Summernats 32 to

witness CHEST PUPPIES in

their NATURAL HABITAT, you

would have come away sorely

disappointed.

Ya see, the Nats is more

FAMILY FRIENDLY these days,

and while that means FREE-

RANGE FUNBAGS are now an

endangered species at

Australia’s biggest horsepower

party, the automotive-related

shenanigans are now

BEAUTER THAN EVER.

Summernats 32 saw the

world record for the most

cars simultaneously doing a

burnout SMASHED TO PIECES.

Other additions to the program

this year included Skid Row,

which meant entrants were

free to drop a skid in a

designated area anytime

they fucken well wanted.

The inaugural MULLET

COMP was a runaway success,

the lawnmower racing looked

like the most fun you could

have with your pants on, and

we saw a twin-turbo big-block

Commodore make over 3000

FUCKEN HORSEPOWER on the

dyno!

That’s 27 Mitsubishi Sigmas’

worth!

fiRED UP!

BURN, BABY, BURN!

13

STREET MACHINE


Anyone bring

marshmallows?

YOU SHOULD

SEE OUR

PUBES!

Take that

ozone layer!

IS THIS THE

MACCAS

DRIVE-THRU?

14

SMOKE ’EM UP!


Let no man cross the rebel who wears the

Plated in gleaming

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Genuine Black Onyx


Engraved with

“Such Is Life”

Across the centuries, beyond the reach of the law,

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that is true in his own heart. His enemy: a corrupt

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“Ned Kelly Such is Life Ring”, a potent symbol imbued

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Each side is flanked by a full body sculpture of Kelly

in his famous armour, guns at the ready to take on any

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before the hangman’s noose finished what the police

could not.

Limited time offer.

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Quoting reference code: 102969

©2019 The Bradford Exchange Ltd. A.B.N. 13 003 159 617 503-SAN48.08

15

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Place one of your own rings on the chart and find a circle that is completely

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Arrives in a customcrafted

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11

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PAY NOTHING NOW

THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE

Please Respond Promptly

YES! Please reserve the “Ned Kelly Such Is Life Ring” for

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Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms ____ First Name: ____________________________

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quoting promotion code: 102969

2. MAIL no stamp required, to: The Bradford Exchange,

Reply Paid 86369 Parramatta NSW 2124

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Please allow up to 10 business days for delivery. All sales subject to product availability and reservation acceptance. Credit

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From time to time, we may allow carefully screened companies to contact you. If you would prefer not to receive such offers,

please tick this box. ❑

9

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Ring Size:

_______


CARPENTING

That’s what they call it, isn’t

it? The hammering and

sawing stuff? Josie’s really

good at that. And here’s a

tip – if you want your thumbs

to look like Josie’s nips, hit

’em with the hammer.

TRƒ

Lady tradies get

SLEDGING

Every crew needs a sledger.

They keep the apprentice in

line by threatening to

smash their toes with a

sledgehammer. Dunno

what’s in her pockets, but –

bottles of Malibu, probably.

16


Pinup Files

NORKETRY

Norketry involves the chick

with the best tits flashing

them so the owner doesn’t

notice the wonky walls and

dodgy wiring. Then you all

bugger off to the pub before

the ceiling falls in.


SCREWERY

Straight slot, Phillips head

or Pozidrive? Ratchet or no

ratchet? FLANGE OR NO

FLANGE? Sheryl knows all

about the ins and outs of

screwing. If you ask nicely,

she’ll give you lessons.

FIRST AID

Sharon’s the one to go to if

you drill through your foot

or fall into a wood-chipper.

She’ll chuck you the Dettol

and a bandaid, and if that

doesn’t work, she’ll show

you her arse and tits.

18


DEISEL DYKE

Can’t have the works truck

breaking down, so Gerald is

employed to keep the

machinery ticking

over.

There’s nothing she likes

better than fiddling around

under the hood.


LUNCH LADY

Lizzie’s a lunch lady with a

difference – she’s PSYCHIC!

She reads your mind, then

dishes up the grub

accordingly. So far she’s

served everyone fish tacos

and cream buns.

LOLLIPOPPIN’

Her job is easy – get out

there with the men-at-work

sign and stop the traffic. Of

course, it’s much easier to

stop traffic with your tits

out. Some drivers may even

tip you a twenny.

20


SAFETY!

Right-hand drill, left tit out.

Left-hand drill, right tit out.

It’s really easy when Daisy,

the health and safety

officer, demonstrates the

correct way. Next lesson:

pants-free angle-grinding.


CK

Z

“I’M

WAITING

FOR THE

RIGHT

GUY”

22


O E!Virgin

EING a batshit

crazy terrorist and

blowing yourself to

smithereens isn’t

theonly way to

meet virgin sheilas. Fuck no!

Bugger growing an itchy

beard and moving to the

sodding DESERT, just head to a

certain Maccas in Melbourne

and chances are 19-year-old

Kleo will be there to take your

order.

But don’t worry, just ’cos

Kleo’s nevertried a bloke’s

SPECIAL SAUCE, doesn’t mean

she hasn’t perfected her chip

TOSSING

skills.

“I’ve had some fun in other

ways,” explains the CHESTY

CHAMPION.

Settling in with a game of

Monopoly? Pigeon racing?

“I’ve given oral sex to a few

guys. All of them previous

Kleo

keeps her

clunge clear

of cocks

boyfriends, though. And

of course, lots of handjobs.”

What’s the best thing about

giving a HAND SHANDY?

“I love gripping a guy’s dick,

you can feel it pulsing and

everything. You could make a

guy do whatever you wanted if

you held him by the dick!”

So young, yet so wise. To get

right down to it, why have you

neverhad aDONALD DUCK?

“I’ve just never met a guy I’m

that interested in. I’m waiting

for the right guy and the right

moment. Of course previous

boyfriends wanted to, but it just

never felt right. I’m excited to

see what it feels like, though.”

You’ve give n a few MOUTH

CUDDLES to blokes, but have

you ever had someone go

down on you?

“No, never. Hardly anyone

has seen my vagina before –

well, now theyhave – but

before this Iwas unseen!”

Like a sexy yeti!

VIRGIN TERRITORY!


YOU’RE JOKING

100% POLITICALLY INCORRECT!

A STRAIGHT tree and a gay tree lived next to

each other for 60 years. The straight tree was

always making fun of the gay tree. One

evening a storm comes along and lightning hits

the straight tree, shattering it into hundreds of

pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing and

says, “Look who’s a faggot now!”.

F.S., PINEWOOD, VIC

A HUSBAND was screwing his secretary up

the arse when his wife walked in.

“You can’t do this to me!” she said,

sobbing.

“I know,” replied the husband. “That’s

why I’m doing it with her!”

E.O., BRISBANE, QLD

A MAN takes his wife to the stock show.

As they start heading down the alley

that has all the bulls, they come up to

the first bull’s stall and the sign in the

stall read: “This bull mated 50 times

last year.”

The wife turns to her husband and

says, “He mated 50 times in a year. You

could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his

sign read, “This bull mated 65 times

last year.”

The wife turns to her husband and

says, “This one mated 65 times last

year. That is over five times a month!

You can learn from this one, too.”

They proceeded to the last bull

whose sign said, “This bull mated 365

times last year.”

The wife’s mouth drops open and she

says, “WOW! This one mated 365 times

last year. That’s ONCE A DAY! You could

really learn from this one.”

The man turns to his wife and says,

“Go and ask his owner if it was 365

times with the same cow.”

J.R., DROPMORE, VIC

JOKE OF THE WEEK

WINS

$100

A MAN approaches a prostitute and

asks for her rates. She replies, “$10

for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a

quickie in the car and $50 for a sensual

girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

“OK,” the man says. “Here’s $50.”

“Great!” replies the prostitute. “I

see you’re a man of class!”

“Class my arse!” says the man. “I

want it five times on the grass!”

DIGGER, BEAUMONT HILLS, NSW

IN A nuclear war, they say the only thing to

survive will be cockroaches. Which means

the Australian Government will still be

about.

RHINO, WATTLE HILL, VIC

A CHARITY worker stopped me in the

street and asked if I fancied taking part

in a marathon. I was going to decline

but he told me it was for disabled kids

and children with severe learning

difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might

win this.

SKIP, HOLSWORTHY, NSW

Q. WHICH CHEESE IS MADE

BACKWARDS?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I WAS PLAYING CHESS WITH MY FRIEND

AND HE SAID, ‘LET’S MAKE THIS

INTERESTING’. SO WE STOPPED

PLAYING CHESS.”

– MATT KIRSHEN

A. EDAM.

N.J., BOCOBRA, NSW

CINDERELLA was a nymphomaniac who

always screwed around. One day her

fairy godmother appeared and told her

that if she didn’t stop rooting every male

in sight, she wouldn’t be allowed to go

to the ball to meet Prince Charming.

However, the next day the fairy

godmother found Cinderella in bed with

the chimney sweep.

“That’s the last straw!” said the fairy

godmother. “Instead of barring you

from the ball altogether, I’ll let you go –

but I’ll do something horrible that’ll

stop you screwing the prince.” With

that, she waved her magic wand and

turned Cinderella’s pussy into a

pumpkin.

A few nights later, Cinderella

returned from the ball with a big smile

on her face and a new boyfriend.

“Hello fairy godmother,” she said.

“Meet Peter Peter.”

DALE, GOULDSVILLE, NSW

Q. WHY IS GETTING A

HOOKER LIKE BUYING

A GUN?

A. YOU WANT THE MOST

BANG FOR YOUR BUCK.

KYLE, BEROWRA, NSW

ROBBO rocked up to Centrelink and was

talking to his case worker about his attempts

to find work.

“I failed another job interview the other

day,” he admitted.

“And why do you think that was?” asked

the case worker.”

“Apparently taking part in a gang bang

isn’t proof that I can effectively work as part

of a team.”

T.N., GYMPIE, QLD


Got a grouse joke? Post it or email it to

picture@bauer-media.com.au and we’ll send you $20 if we

publish your jape. PLUS Joke of the Week gets a YOOJ $100!

THE PROFESSIONAL

FUNNY POM JON RICHARDSON

“I hate dancing. I think it’s for people who

can’t communicate verbally.”

“CRYING IS LIKE

MASTURBATING.

YOU GOTTA

GET IT OUT OF

YOUR SYSTEM

EVERY NOW AND

AGAIN.”

“I’ve just turned 30 and

realised I totally wasted

my 20s. And I don’t mean I

spent them doing drugs and

having sex. I wasted them

because I didn’t spend them doing drugs

and having sex.”

“THE ONLY DANCE I DO IS YMCA.

AND THAT’S MORE SPELLING

THAN DANCING.”

PLEASE

LORD, MAKE

THEM LAUGH

“I don’t understand why

people are supposed to get

over their fears. Fear is a

legitimate thing to stop

you dying.”

“A LOT OF PEOPLE

HAVE LUCKY

PANTS. I DON’T

CONSIDER

ANYTHING THAT’S

TOUCHED MY PENIS

TO BE THAT LUCKY.”

“I sent my girlfriend a dirty picture last

week… of the skirting board in my

dressing room.”

THE JOKE’S ON YOU

THIS WEEK: REDNECKS

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

• Your wife can climb a tree faster than

your cat.

• You ever cut your grass and found a car.

• You own a home that is mobile and five

cars that aren’t.

• You think the stock

market has a fence

around it.

• You think a Volvo is

part of a woman’s

anatomy.

• You own a

homemade fur coat.

• You burn your yard

rather than mow it.

• The Salvation Army declines your

mattress.

• You’ve ever raked leaves in your

kitchen.

• You view the upcoming family reunion

as a chance to meet women.

MY COUSIN’S

HOTTER

THAN YOURS!

• Hitchhikers won’t get in the

car with you.

• Your father walks you

to school because you

and he are in the

same grade.

• If you’ve ever

stared at a can of

orange juice because

it said “concentrate”.

• Directions to your house

include “turn off the paved

road.”

• Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

• If you smoked during your wedding.

25


READERS' WORLD

GO AHEAD, HAVE A MOAN!

HEY LOOK

– AN OPEN

BAR!

Our work-release

letters editor

Send your words, pics –

WHATEVER – to Mungo at Readers’

World c/o THE PICTURE, PO Box 4088,

Sydney, NSW 2000, or email the big fella

at mungo@bauer-media.com.au

MUNGO’S ON

TWITTER

That’s right, I’m tweeting me heart out

for the people. None of that what-I-had

-for-brekky or I-just-done-a-big-poo

stuff, just my usual classy shit. It’s at:

https://twitter.com/ThePictureMungo

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

MUNGO, what do ya reckon about Pauline

Hanson’s idea of making the unemployed in

Queensland catch cane toads to get the dole?

Is she fucked in the head or can it work?

M.K., IPSWICH, QLD

MUNGO SAYS: No reason it couldn’t be

both, mate. Pauline generally makes

about as much sense as a roof rack on a

skateboard, and she is, as you say, fucked

in the head, but what if it worked?

Wouldn’t we all look stupid then. And I

kinda like the idea of her holding back

the hordes of canies with her army of

unemployed. Gotta be a movie in it.

Nah, I can’t

pick ’em

FUCK THIS,

WHEN’S

SMOKO?

PLANET BEER

MUNGO, you were saying the other week that


well how about the unexpected beer, that one

you have when you were just having a go-along

day minding your own business and someone

suddenly and without warning puts a coldie in

your hand. It’s great because you don’t see it

NEW BEST

MATEY KATIE

I REALLY lost it over

‘Katie from Adelaide’,

the blonde Homie in

#1473 (thanks for all

the extra girls, by the

way). She doesn’t

look like anyone

famous or anything,

just that she’s the sort

of babe I love – not

skinny and bony, but

well-built with a nice

arse and real tits. I’d


arse any time!

L.M., EASTLAKES, NSW

MUNGO SAYS:

I know what you

mean. All her

cooking talk made

me hungry, too.

She’s one sexy

woman. Now bring

on the food!

coming, and then suddenly, beer time. It’s beaut.

STITZ, ROCKHAMPTON. QLD

MUNGO SAYS: I like the planet you’re

living on, Stitzy. Any place where people

just give you beer right out of the blue is

a place I wanna live. Tell me, do pies fall

from the sky in this magical land of

yours? Sign me up.


SHIT EH!

LETTER OF THE WEEK

WINS

$200

EVERY LETTER PRIN

WINS $5

R WITH A PICTURE

INS $100

MUNGO toilet roll holders

can be installed by any clown

with half a brain and a hammer.


but I need your permission and

a better photo. If the answer’s


some other cunt’s head.

K.R., MT MORGAN, QLD

MUNGO SAYS: I can’t say

I’m not flattered, K.R. The

idea that everyone will be

thinking of me as they lay

a big steenky log around

the bowl is humbling,

although I would’ve

preferred you bung my

mug on one of those

franger dispensing

machines instead. Y’know

– for inspiration. But by all

means, go ahead. No skin

off my bum.

Dude, it’s a

wipe-out!

This week’s question:

Who should have been named

Australian of the Year for 2018?

Editor

James Cooney

Russell Coight

Senior writer

Roger Crosthwaite

Barnaby Joyce

Writer

Thomas Oakley-Newell

Andrew Ucles

Editorial coordinator

Emily Rattenbury

Angela White’s smoo

Photo editor

Kristi Bartlett

Double D Sheree

National Sales Manager

Pat Campbell

pcampbell@bauer-media.com.au

Publisher Andrew Stedwell

Production Controller James Cooney

Chief Executive Officer Paul Dykzeul

LEZ BE FRIENDS

THE letter from M.M. of Grafton in the

last issue (#1473) about her being a


me realise that at least champion lezzos

and us straight blokes have something in

common – we both dig the chicks. So

why all the hate? Maybe we could share

a beer and talk about which hottie we’d

most like to bang. It’d be a bonding

thing. So over to you, ladies. Name the

pub – I’ll be there.

B.K., GRANVILLE, NSW

MUNGO

WANTS TO KNOW...

What food goes best with

rooting? Mango ice cream?

Crunchy Nut Cornflakes?

Chicken vindaloo? Let me know

your thoughts, and win.

MUNGO SAYS: Well put, B.K. Let’s

not dwell on what divides us –

t’s concentrate on what can

bring us, as Australians, closer

together. And if that’s beer,

tits and smoo, well, what

more could you ask

for? OK, some

rum and a few

chips maybe,

but we can

sort out the

details later.

Published by Bauer Media Group

ABN 18 053 273 546, 54-58 Park Street, Sydney, NSW

2000. ©2018. All rights reserved. The trademark THE

PICTURE is the property of Bauer Consumer Media

Limited and is used under licence.

Printed by PMP Print Pty Ltd

ABN 76 051 706 499, 31-37 Heathcote

Rd, Moorebank, NSW 2170.

Head office

Level 11, 54 Park St Street, Sydney. Postal address:

GPO Box 5201, Sydney, NSW 2001. Phone (02) 9288

9686. Fax (02) 9288 9151. Melbourne: 102-108 Toorak

Road, South Yarra, Vic 3141. Phone

(03) 9823 6333. Fax (03) 9823 6300.

Email picture@bauer-media.com.au.

Distributed by Network Services, 54 Park Street,

Sydney, NSW 2000.

Phone (02) 9282 8777. *Recommended retail price.

THE PICTURE accepts no responsibility for loss or

damage of freelance contributions.

ISSN 1033-3258

27


SICK PICS

YOU WON’T BELIEVE YOUR EYES

THE BIG DON’T ARGUE

IN CASE you thought all honey badgers were curly-headed, rugby-playing cretins

who can’t make up their mind which hottie to pick even when presented with a

fucken BUFFET of ’em, here’s a real one in action. Your actual honey badger is a

ferocious furry little fucker about the size of a cocker spaniel that’ll attack

anything that gives it the shits, which is most things, and refuses to back down

even when it appears it’s about to have its arse handed to it. This means it

generally does alright in a fight, but sometimes they come off second best, like

when this scrappy cunt decided to pick a blue with an oryx in the Etosha National

Park in Namibia. Sick of having the snarling snotrag tryna chew its hooves off, the

oryx used its MASSIVE HORNS (beg your pardon, ladies) to hoick it about six

metres into the air. Even then the honey badger had a couple more goes, before

scuttling back to its burrow to repeatedly PUNCH ITSELF IN THE FACE.

I HOPE THIS

DOESN’T GO

ON YOUTUBE


WTF WTF PHOTOS! PHOTOS!

HE’S GOT THE HORN!


GET UP YA SOOK!

...AND DON’T BE A WUSS

HEY, COOL

PIERCINGS,

DUDE!

OUCH

FACTOR

98 %

WHO:

Chinese factory

worker ‘Mr Zhou’

WHAT:

Skewered with steel

spikes by angry robot

WHERE:

Hunan Province, China

BEWARE of the robots – they’re

coming to get ya!

This Chinese bloke got the

message loud and clear when a robot at

the porcelain factory where he was

working wacked him with 10 metal rods,

approximately 30cm long by 1.5cm thick,

in the shoulder, chest and arm.

It was a little more than the factory

first-aid kit could cope with, so they

zapped him off to hospital where they

couldn’t even get him on the x-ray

machine due to all the HEAVY METAL

hangin’ out of him.

But they got stuck in anyway, and after

operating all night the surgeons reckon

Mr Zhou could already move his arm.

Although they did say his golf game

was likely to be a bit shabby for a while.

So we’re glad you’re coming good, Mr

Zhou. Now, GET UP YA SOOK and get

some beers in.

30


IN BED KIK

WITH

100% uncensored sex advice from

Australia’s Australias hottest porn star!

FUCK TALES

HEY Kiki, are you still getting heaps of

roots despite not doing porn anymore? Are

you a mad rooter?

L.O., BANKSTOWN, NSW

KIKI SAYS: I think I’m getting even

more roots these days than I was

when I was making porn full-time!

I have so much knowledge to share,

I take it upon myself to recruit new

guys and teach them a thing or two –

for the greater pleasure of Australian

women of course! My favourite sex

position varies depending on what you

look like... missionary if you’re a stud.

OLD GOLD

HEY Kiki, I’m 23-years-old and love

rooting old sheilas. My oldest was

this woman who is a mate of

a friend’s Mum. She was


taught me a thing or two.

My mate’s reckon I’m

gross for fucking much

older women, but I don’t

reckon there’s anything

wrong with a bit of the

vintage vadge. Do you like

fucking old men or young

guys? Or both?

MR WONDERFUL, VIA EMAIL

KIKI SAYS: Ah, so you’re the Aussie

version of Finch from American Pie!

Good for you, banging Stiffler’s mum.

Older women need a good dickin’ too

and I’m glad you’re giving it to these

cougars. I reckon you’re a legend for

making their day! My general rule of

thumb is: the older they are, the less

drama you deal with.

STAR STRUCK

“I’M GETTING

MORE ROOTS

THESE DAYS!”

OI KIKI, was listening to the radio the other

day and heard this song that was like ‘Kiki,

do ya love me?’ – do you know

the one? It’s

by that black guy with a funny haircut. Is

he singing about you? Didja root him

and now he’s got the love bug hard?

Who’s the most famous person

you’ve fucked?

RYAN, VIA EMAIL

KIKI SAYS: Do you

think you asked enough

questions?! No, I didn’t

root Drake because rap guys

aren’t my thing, but just about

everyone has serenaded me

with that song. And I would

love to

tell you the most famous guy I slept

with but the legal teamatTHE

PICTURE said I can’t. He

was terrible.

MARRY ME!

HEY KIKI. Just felt

like saying thank you

very much for getting

your hot rig out for

us and answering our

questions. I would love to

marry you someday. I want

coolest

to know where is the

place you’ve had sex?

PISTOL PETE, VIA EMAIL

KIKI SAYS: Awww, you’re making my

pussy blush! Giving advice to

you guys

while I’m naked is literally a dream

job. The coolest place I’ve had sex is

in the tray of a Toyota Hilux whilst on

the highway. The driver had no idea,

and the drivers behind him gave a little

honk every time they saw my bare bum.

Guys are always sending me photos of their

dicks and they want to know if they’ve got what

it takes to be in porn movies. It’s not really

about your cock, it’s more about your

confidence. If you can fly over to Hollywood,

strip naked and get it up when they

tell you

to… then you might just make it.

el

KIKI WANTS TO HEAR FROM YOU!

Do you have a question only a SEXPERT like Kiki can answer? Do you want some advice

on women in general? Or do you just want to ask about her XXX-rated sex life? YEAH?

Then write to In Bed With Kiki, c/o THE PICTURE, GPO Box 5201, Sydney, NSW 2000,

or send an email to picture@bauer-media.com.au. She’s waiting!


“THERAPY IS EXPENSIVE. HOOKERS ARE CHEAPER.”


GIRL!

Alisa will

cause more

stiffies than

rigor mortis

MORE OF ALISA’S

PERFECT PAIR!


J

ANUARY 21, 2019 was

an historic day for

Aussie blokes. That’s

when this issue of THE

PICTURE went on sale

– and blokes across the country got

their first look at Alisa’s gravitydefying

tits and PERFECTLY

FORMED arse. None of our cocks

have been the same since.

The 21-year-old student has

taken to nude modelling like Dougie

Walters to a cold beer and was more

than happy to answer some of our

PROBING questions.

Hi Alisa. Can you give us a brief

history of your tits?

“They started growing quite late.

I wasn’t an early developer, but now

they look really good. My friends are

always squeezing them and I like

getting them out.”

We are very grateful. Do THE

TWINS have names?

“Not yet. Maybe a reader can

come up with something funny and

send it in.”

They must stop traffic. And by that

we mean AIR TRAFFIC.

“Yes, they get noticed a bit. Every

time I go out shoppingp gguys try to

talk to me. All agesand all

34


“SPEND

SOME TIME

FINGERING

ME”


#1474 PIN-UP


na onalities.”

We’re not surprised. Are you single

at t moment?

“Yes, and I don’t think I’ll be in

anot r relationship for a while. My

ex w pretty controlling.”

What an UTTER PRICK.

“I w t to get out there and

experiment with different people.

I’m willing to try anything!”

What’s t best way for blokes to

please y ?

“The most important thing is you

can’t stop t l I’ve come – even if you

come first. nd spend some time

fingering me before you stick it in.”

Jeez, that s nds like a lot of work…

“And I’d love

to have a threesome. I

was interested in having one with my

ex, but he didn’t

want to share.”

What else does 2019 have in stall for

you?

“I just want to have a lot of fun now

that I’m single. A I want to do some

more nude shoots like this.”

Are you keen to shoot with us again?

“I’d love to. Being naked in a

salot fun.”

We peak or every bloke when we

say CAN’T FUCKEN WAIT.

38


“I WANT

TO GET OUT

THERE AND

EXPERIMENT”

39

3


SPOT DIFFERENCE

AUSTRALIA’S RUDEST PUZZLE!

THE

A

B

2

DIFFERENCES

C

D

3

DIFFERENCES

E

F

4

DIFFERENCES

40


WIN

$250

HOW TO

ENTER *

TO BE in the running for the $250 prize, list the differences between the matched photos

(eg, between pics A and B, C and D, and so on). THEN post your answers to at Spot the

Difference #1474 C/O THE PICTURE, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW, 2000; OR email to

picture@bauer-media.com.au with SPOT THE DIFFERENCE #1474 in the subject line.

G

H

5

DIFFERENCES

I

J

6

DIFFERENCES

* Terms and conditions on page 46


CHEEKY CROSS

AUSTRALIA’S RUDEST CROSSWORD!

WIN

42

ACROSS

1. The sound Mark Webber

might make when he

blows off from his exhaust

system! (8).

5. Slippery water snake found in

a guy’s Y-fronts (3).

7. “Those young actresses are

nothing but TARTS,” LES

claimed (8).

11. She TALKS all day about

the size of her boyfriend

Jack’s beanpole (5).

12. As she inserted her brooch,

she felt the BAREST NIP in

her tit (9).

13. Supplies marijuana to

idiots (5).

14. My world-famous Vindaloo

curry SEARS backsides ‘in da

loo’! (5).

16. Nasty frozen surprise that

fucked Leonardo DiCaprio in

Titanic (7).

18. Any normal red-blooded male

leers lovingly at a great pair

O’ LEGS (5).

22. Country where ADA CAN still

remember being mounted by

a Mountie (6).

24. Don’t ask him into your cot,

girls – AL PEES while he’s

unconscious (6).

25. HE’S AFTER DEB but she only

shags on mattresses stuffed

with down (7,4).

26. I can only ’OPE SEX will

follow after I show you my

tockley (6).

27. Clothes for either girls or

boys – or for bonking at

college (6).

30. Sounds like he comes from

a Greek island and loves to

murder a brownsnake (7).

32. A sheila or a champion homo

can be a real female dog (5).

33. She’s frivolous and flirty and

sounds like she travels by

plane a lot (7).

34. How RUDE! WE RAN

around the oval in our

knickers! (9).

35. Can BILL SEE his dick?

After all, he’s one of those

tubbies with large guts (7).

38. I’ll bet the little girl who

sang ‘I like Aeroplane ...’

never wrestled another

chick in the stuff (5).

39. She STAMPED her foot and

said, “I’m not sleeping in the

wettest part of the bed!” (7).

44. Every RUT I’VE had was a

... not a vice (6).

46. Sportsman who loves to get

his balls in a hole (6).

47. “How can I please you,

sir?” she asked. “For A

START, KNEEL down and

suck on my sidewinder,”

he replied (11).

48. You’d better BRING A beer

for me – the barmaid’s

showing her tits (6).

49. ‘Let yer’ hair down, you

lewd, crude pervert! (6).

52. Once he enticed her home,

he RULED out being Mr Nice

Guy again (5).

55. Call-girls in CORSETS

accompany their clients

everywhere (7).

56. Gee! Touch her here and see

her wriggle! (1,4).

58. A guy or girl who’s had one

too many (5).

59. HECK! SEE IT in all its

glory! This is the world’s

sauciest crossie! (9).

61. Where a woman keeps her

eggs-cellent reproductive

gear. ‘O very’ funny! (5).

62. Heavy breathing and a rapid

PULSE ARE sure signs

you’re in for a maximum

amount of enjoyment (8).

63. If you want a good pash,

then you should take out

that GUM, you ...! (3).

64. PEARL’S NO fool – she

advertises in this newspaper

column and gets plenty (8).

DOWN

2. The audience applauds as the

mud-wrestlers CLASP each

other’s tits (5).

3. Pretends to have an orgasm,

just like I do when I’ve got a

Rottweiler round my leg! (5).

4. It was rumoured Adam had a

spare one to pork with (3).

5. A sort of rubber to stick up

’ER ARSE (6).

6. French correspondence

she’ll stick on your dick if you

‘let her’ (6).

8. If a Kiwi says it, you’ll think

he’s talking about baked

beans (3).

9. O DO ’ER a favour, cowboy,

and ride your filly at the

show (5).

10. “If you fart again, I’ll

chuck you out of school,”

threatened the teacher (5).

15. Inspire me with love and we

can make OUR NAME the

same (7).

16. HA! LINE up and you can all

suck in together (6).

17. He’s the happiest little homo

– YES, TAG his arse any time

you care to! (6).

19. A nadless horse that rhymes

with ‘welding’ (7).

20. She FEASTS on his pecker,

but only in the most secure

of places (6).

21. Easygoing, one-night-stand

sort of sex (6).

23. Polite expression for ‘take a

leak’ – it’s the first letter of

piss, you know (3).

28. DID HE BEG A young girl

for a root? The conceited

bastard! (3-6).

29. If you want to meet a really

odd bird, come to the

1000

WHEN YOU’VE FILLED IN THE CROSSWORD CORRECTLY,

THE SHADED SQUARES, READING TOP TO BOTTOM, LEFT

TO RIGHT, WILL REVEAL THE OWNER OF THE BREASTS.

CREW’S BALL (9).

31. Poor knackered bastards

who mind the sultan’s wives

without the tools to do the job

in the cot (7).

33. She teased him rotten, but

sadly, she shouldn’t have

TRIFLED with him (7).

36. The dunny was full so I went

IN LATER (7).

37. “I know you’ve got the YEN,

REG, but have you got the

stamina?” asked the sexy

geisha girl (6).

40. Heavenly bodies with great

LEGS AN’ bums (6).

41. Big homes for queens (7).

42. “Ooh la la, PETE, IT is so

small!” cried Gigi (6).

43. STAN IS a real dirtbox –

he left grubby marks on her

new sheets (6).

45. The type of dreams that leave

the bed soggy (3).

50. He CREAMS his pants and

she lets out a yell (6).

51. If she’s difficult, TRY GIN and

tonic – it might just work! (6).

53. Don’t worry, SUE OR her

sister will get you up in the

morning (5).

54. Lesbians who ride

motorbikes, just because

it rhymes (5).

56. One hundred and 44

naughties in one night –

that’s ...! (5).

57. Her fanny smells of

crustacean? Hey, don’t come

the raw ... with me! (5).

59. Most baby boomers had their

first ride in the back seat of

one (3).

60. Where Tiger rests his balls

when he’s driving (3).


ISSUE #1474

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

11 12 13

14 15 16 17 18 19

20 21

22 23 24

25

26 27

28 29

30 31 32 33

34

35 36 37 38 39 40 41

42 43

44 45 46

47

48 49

50 51

52 53 54 55 56 57

58 59 60 61

62 63 64

THE BOOBS BELONG TO...

SEND

IN TO

WIN!

NAME

ADDRESS

POSTCODE

Send the completed crossword to: CHEEKYCROSS No. 1474, THE PICTURE,

PO Box 430, Eastern Suburbs MC, NSW 2004 or you won’t win anything.

Please see Privacy Notice on page 48. See page 48 for terms and conditions of entry.

Do not provide information about me to any organisation not associated with this

competition. Entries close February 19, 2019. Answers will appear in the March 25,

2019 issue and the winner’s name will be published in March 25, 2019 issue.

Authorised under NSW Permit No. LTPM/18/03478.

43


BRAIN TEASERS

SUDOKU

The goal of Sudoku is to fill each row, column and 3x3 block with

every number from 1 to 9.

2 6 7

9 4 7

9 8 1

5 4 3 2

9 4 5 6

2 7 9 1

6 5 4

3 7 6

5 4 3

PICTURE FIND-A-WORD

Can you find the words below, from our rude word search?

IDENTI-TITS

Can you match the noggin to the norks?

ƒ 1

B 2

C 3

YOUR FACE, MY ARSE

Can you match the face to the rear?

ƒ 1

B 2

C 3

44

SAUSAGE, RUSTY, BUNDY, DIPSHIT, SMOKO,

MOLLYMOOK, REVHEAD, SCROTUM, ROOTED, BUMMER


ACROSS

1. Brian Reader, Michael …

4. Ladies’ man

7. Shook

11. Vim, vigour

12. Smell

15. With 23 Down This week’s

movie (4,2,7)

18. Former porn star, … Lords

19. Protective part of a work boot

20. Batman or Spider-Man, for

example

22. Distance across

24. Perfume

27. Naturist

29. Former tennis ace, Andre …

30. Go by vehicle

31. Empty inside

32. Creating a din

39. Cuddly toy

41. Pizza fish

42. Attractive youth of Greek

legend

43. Stomach sore

46. Abode of angels

47. Change slightly

50. Billy the Fish Lincoln,

Michael …

51. Achilles heel (4,4)

52. Musical, … Saigon

53. House made of ice

DOWN

1. Trick, dupe

2. Reykjavík’s country

3. Our language

5. Too

6. Musical group of two

7. Sticky, black substance

8. Young girls

9. Baggage

WIN

$250

WHEN YOU’VE FILLED IN THE CROSSWORD

CORRECTLY, THE SHADED SQUARES WILL REVEAL

THE MOVIE TITLE THIS ISSUE.

10. Homer Simpson’s favourite

beer brand

13. Jim Morrison’s band, The …

14. Australia, Down …

16. Hollywood actor, Johnny …

17. Minute particle

21. Set of steps

22. Danny Jones, Ray …

23. See 15 Across

25. Actor who plays Basil in this

week’s movie, … Cox

26. Clean with water

28. Speak

33. Harrison Ford character, …

Jones

34. New York baseball team

35. Orient

36. Group of musical notes

37. Famous Sydney beach

38. Late crooner, … Crosby

39. Huge wave

40. Sound measurement unit

44. The Beatles drummer

45. Masticate

47. Decay

48. Terry Perkins, …

Broadbent

49. BBQ fuel

1

11

2

3

4

16

5

12

13

6

14

7

17

15

8

9

10

MOVIE

CROSS

ENTRY

COUPON

18

19

THIS MOVIE IS...

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

NAME

ADDRESS

30

32

45

46

51

42

33

34

35

41

MYSTERY MOVIE

36 37 38

47 48 49

52

31

50

39

43

53

40

44

POSTCODE

Send the completed crossword to:

MOVIE CROSS No. 1474, THE

PICTURE, PO Box 430, Eastern

Suburbs MC, NSW 2004 or you

won’t win anything.

Please see Privacy Notice on page 48. See

page 48 for terms and conditions of entry.

Do not provide information about me to

any organisation not associated with this

competition. Entries close February 19,

2019. Answers will appear in the March

25, 2019 issue and the winner’s name will

be published in the March 25, 2019 issue.

Authorised under NSW Permit No.

LTPM/18/03478.

45


ANSWERS

TERMS & CONDITIONS

#1470 WINNERS

#1470 CHEEKY

THE TITS

BELONG TO:

LUCIE

#1470 MOVIE

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

#1470 - J.H, OCEAN VIEW, QLD

CHEEKYCROSS

#1470 - G.C, CALEN, QLD

MOVIE CROSS

#1470 - M.R, BALLARAT, VIC

STALL ION SUB PEDDL I NG

P U M T A G A G

DOPES OPERAT I NG M I L KS

L T I M E O

SEEDY APPEALS SCORE

R G S S N A C O

AUPA I R L A L ESCORT

W E L E C T R I C I A N A

BLUEST E K V SK I ERS

R N P C O A O N

SENSUAL BOOBS ARSEN I C

U N S M

R S C N

IMPOTENCE

D R N S

L T E I

NAUGHTY VE I LS AFFA I RS

A E B D Y S A M

D I L D O S A F T G R E E C E

D T I T I L L A T I N G R

F INALE H Y F ORI ENT

F S E U E F T C

DRA I N DYNASTY YANKS

R O C P A O

TORSO BAL LER I NA CH I CK

O K E E I I H S

NEWLYWED S I T BROTHELS

#1473 SPOT

D

R

A

G

O

H

I

G

H

J

U

M

P

M

A

R

S

O

W

Z

A

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O

Y

D

R

T

L

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE SOLUTION

N

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D

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#1474 ANSWERS

E

F

L

O

R

I

A

N

I

S

R

A

T

L

A

N

T

A

R

F

I

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SUDOKU SOLUTION

1 2 3 6 4 7 5 8 9

9 8 4 1 5 2 6 7 3

5 7 6 3 9 8 2 1 4

8 6 9 5 7 1 4 3 2

7 1 2 9 3 4 8 5 6

4 3 5 2 8 6 7 9 1

2 9 1 7 6 5 3 4 8

3 4 7 8 2 9 1 6 5

6 5 8 4 1 3 9 2 7

FIND-A-WORD SOLUTION

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enter. Entrants under the age of 18 years must

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Difference/Movie Cross promotion opens

January 14 and closes February 19, 2019. The

draw will take place at Bauer Media, 54 Park

St, Sydney, NSW 2000 on February 25, 2019 at

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will be notified by mail using the contact

details on their entries and their names will

be published in The Picture magazine on

March 25.

Enter by correctly completing the relevant

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coupon to the appropriate address as follows:

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IDENTI-

TITS

A=2

B=1

C = 3

YOUR FACE,

MY ARSE

A=3

B=1

C = 2

46


MY PUBLIC FUCK

READER’S ROOTS FROM AROUND OZ

USING THE FƒCILITIES

AS A young woman with an itchy smoo

I wasn’t averse to taking a fuck

wherever I could find it. It didn’t

matter where, it only mattered when – now.

I’ve had heaps of great fucks by the side

of the road in full view of traffic, in city parks

at lunchtime and at nude beaches, but one

of my favourites was in a pub toilet.

I’d just met this bloke and we were with a

group of friends at the pub when we got the

urge. I was rubbing his cock through his

jeans and he was fingering me through my

panties. We were embarrassing everybody

48

anyway, so when he leaned over and

whispered in my ear: “Let’s go fuck in the

mens,” I immediately squeaked back “Yes!”

and off we went.

Once we were in there he didn’t waste

any time. He pulled my pants down and

rubbed the head of his dick up and down my

slit until it was wet enough for him to slide

his prick in.

He was as hard as a rock and pretty much

lifted me off the ground with his dick. I was

hanging on to the washbasin grinding my

wet cunt back onto his cock, gripping and

releasing it with my muscles so we could

both come quickly. But he had other ideas.

He kept pulling his cock right out of me and

only very slowly pushing it back in, leaving

me begging for him to shove it in hard.

I was screaming at him, “Fuck me! Fuck

me fucken hard!” when I looked in the

mirror and saw one of his mates walk in

behind us.

But he just asked to borrow a twenny,

and my fella took out his wallet and gave

it to him without even missing a stroke.

P.K., DEE WHY, NSW


CƒMP IT UP

THERE’S nothing like a bit of

nature to get my missus fired

up to fuck. When we go

camping Julie loves to cop cock

right out in the open, so we’re

always popular around nudist

campsites ’cos she loves to put

on a show.

Sometimes she’s so excited she

starts wanking in the car as we’re

driving. We’ve tried her giving me

road head, but she’s so good at it

I’m in danger of crashing so I have

to wait until we get there to get

any relief.

We get to the camping area

and set up our tent. Julie will be

naked straight away and everyone

will be getting nice looks up her

smoo as she bends over fixing the

tent and setting our stuff up, then

as soon as we’re ready she lays

down and starts playing with

herself.

Julie will casually lay back on

a deck chair and finger herself

close to orgasm then ease off,

doing this two or three times as

people start to watch her.

Then she’ll beckon me over,

so I shuffle across with my cock

ready to stick in her mouth as she

continues to frig herself, with two

fingers, then with three.

She’ll slurp on my balls and get

me full-tilt then pull me round

between her legs to fuck her,

while our audience enjoys the

view. We have this extra wide,

heavy-duty deck chair that takes

quite a pounding, so I can lift

Julie’s legs up around my waist

and really give it to her.

Everyone can see us and soon

some of the blokes are wanking,

some of the women are fingering

themselves, and here and there

other couples start to fuck.

Soon there’s a chain reaction,

and if it works out right the whole

campsite will be fucking outside

their tents and getting off on

watching everyone else.

C.M., PORT STEPHENS, NSW

Girls, send us a nude or topless photo

of yourself to run along with your

fuck story and we’ll pay you $250!

SCORE

$250

Score $50 if we publish your hot

tonking tale! Make sure it’s no longer

than 300 words, and include your

current address and phone number.

Letters may be edited for clarity.

WƒX ON, WƒX OFF

IT WAS a challenge I couldn’t turn down

– could me and my girlfriend squeeze

in a decent fuck in the time it takes to

go through a carwash?

It was her idea, and I knew she was

serious about it because she was playing

with one of her big, rubbery nipples as she

said it. And that always indicates she

means business.

But first we had to get organised. We’d

have to take my Commodore rather than

her Yaris because we’d definitely need the

extra room.

Then I picked the longest wash they had

– the “Executive Plus Shine ‘n’ Wax” – to

give us maximum time.

And just to get a head start I had Maz

get in the backseat to be ready for me

when I drove in.

As soon as the washer was squirting

foam all over the car, I was over into the

back seat and tearing off my boardies.

Maz had already whipped off her shorts

and got herself good and wet, so all I had

to do was crawl between her legs and

start fucking her.

It was a bit of a distraction when the big

brushes started scrubbing the car, but I

settled into the same rhythm and soon we

were humming along with the vibrations.

We’d built up to a frenzy when the spray

started washing off the foam and I could

feel my balls about to explode. She

flooded the backseat with her girl splooge

as the car was rinsed clean, then we knew

Each photo must be signed on the

back by the F*** Pix girl in the photo.

Please include your phone number

and a copy of your photo ID.

I hereby give THE PICTURE magazine the right to publish

one of the enclosed photos of me. I am over 18 years of age.

Any persons sending F*** Pix photos without the written

permission of the subject will be liable to criminal

prosecution.

I give permission for my photo to be used on the Internet.

Tick if you do not wish us to provide information about you

to any organisation not associated with this competition.

NAME

ADDRESS

DATE OF BIRTH

PHONE

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POSTCODE

we only had a minute or two for the hot

wax and dry so Maz quickly whirled

around and sucked my cock dry.

She just managed to gulp my load

down before we had to try and get our

clothes back on. As it was, I had to drive

out of the carwash with just a T-shirt

and one sock on.

M.Y., EASTERN CREEK, NSW


INTERNUTTERS

SEND US YOUR FUNNY PICS!

picturemagazine

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JUST KIDDING!

Nay, really, we love y lists.

Dunno about’ bran, but she’s raisin’ something.

YOU DONE IT ALL WRONG, MATE

IF YA DON’T ASK, YA DON’T GET

Also should drive a Porsche and own a brewery.

GUARDING THE TREASURE

PIC OF

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QUESTION OF

THE WEEK:

Have you ever mixed sex

and food?

68

PAGE

SARAH

56

PAGE

MERCEDES

52

BEAUT BUM > ASK THE HOMIES > FLASHBACK > TOP TITS >


GO HARD! GO HOMIES!

“I love

anal”

“I like

someone

who takes

the lead”

AMY // 25

BRISBANE, QLD

Some people piss and moan

about being single, but not

25-year-old Amy. She wouldn’t

have it any other way. “I’m way

too wild for just one guy,” she

laughed. We’re guessing you’re

not hard up for a root, then.

“Not at all. I always find a guy

when I need one. Right now I’m

seeing a few different guys in my

area.” Tell us about your best

root? “It was after a wild night

out in Brisbane with a big group

of Israeli soldiers. That’s all I can

really say about that, but it was

crazy.” What’s something about

you we mightn’t guess? “I love

anal. I never used to like it, but

now it’s something I want to do

all the time. The best feeling is

playing with my clit while he’s

doing that.” We’ll take your word

for it.

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX AND

FOOD? “No, not that I can think

of. I could be interested, though.”

52


TOP TOP TITS TITS

$200

TOP

TITS

SIENNA // 26

MELBOURNE, VIC

“Nothing is unusual to me anymore,” says

26-year-old escort Sienna. “I wouldn’t call any of

my clients’ requests strange. I appreciate people

are into different things.” Away from work, what

are your turn-ons? “I like when someone knows

how to take the lead and dominate me. I always

take control at work, so when I’m sleeping with

someone in my personal life I like them to take

the lead.” You get a choice for a date: romantic

dinner, night clubbing or afternoon in beer

garden. Which would you take? “I like romantic

dinners at a nice restaurant, I love good food and

champagne and it’s just really intimate.” How

could someone impress you enough to take

you to this nice restaurant? “Someone who has

personality and is funny is sexy to me.”

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX AND FOOD?

“When a girl I work with put cherries inside of

me then ate them out.”

53


THE

THE GIRLS RESPOND

ASK ANY HOME GIRL ANYTHING YOU LIKE. Chuck us an email at

askthehomegirls@bauer-media.com.au or write to Ask The Home

Girls c/o THE PICTURE, GPO Box 5201, Sydney, NSW 2000.

$30

ASK THE

HOME

GIRLS

ABBY // 18

I can’t believe someone born in

2000 is in THE PICTURE. Have

you ever had something up both

those lovely holes of yours at the

one time?

COLONEL, BANGALOW NSW

54

ISSUE

1470

ABBY SAYS: “Hi Colonel from

Bangalow. I’ve had a dick and

a finger inside them. I think I’d

liketodoitwithadickanda

dildo in each. They could swap

around.”

ABIGAIL // 20

MERMAID WATERS, QLD

If you did go to an orgy, would

you participate or just sit back,

watch and play with yourself?

And if you participated, would

you play with guys or girls?

EVAN, OATLEY NSW

ISSUE

STRATHFIELD, NSW

1470

ABIGAIL SAYS: “Thanks for

the question, Evan. Interesting

one! I would participate,

depending on the participants.

But probably just with the girls

to tease the men.”


HOMIES WHERE THE HEƒRT HOMIES WHERE THE HEƒRT IS IS

“I love

switching up

sex positions”

ELLE // 25

MELBOURNE, VIC

This is harder to believe than a

politician’s promise, but 25-year-old

Elle is single. What are you looking

for in a fella? “Somebody who is easy

going, likes animals and loves to have

sexalot.”You’ve got a great rig. What’s

your secret? “I do a lot of boxing and

running as exercise. I guess I’m a bit of a

tomboy in some ways.” We’re punching

a hole in our grundies. Are you into

ROUGH STUFF in the bedroom,

too? “I’m definitely not into the really

romantic stuff. I like it hard and fast and

I love switching up sex positions a lot.”

Where’s the best place to find a root?

“The gym. There’s always plenty of fit

guys and girls who are up for some fun.

I think I’m going to go there later today.”

You’ve given us one Elle of a stiffy.

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX AND FOOD?

“Yep. I’ve used carrots, cucumbers and

bananas.”

55


GO HARD! GO HOMIES!

“I want

to make a

porno”

NIKA // 19

MANLY, NSW

Nineteen-year-old stripper Nika

likes her job for one reason:

“I love getting naked.” That’s

great news. Where else do

you lose your undies? “The

beach. I like the full body tan

and go whenever it is sunny.

I’m not really the shy type.”

Ever had sex on the beach? “A

few months back. Sand went

everywhere! I’m never doing

that again.” Where would you

like to do it? “I’d actually like to

do it on camera. I want to make

a porno, I just need to find the

right people to help me do it.”

We’re listening… “Taking on

two or three guys would be fun.

Do you know anybody who’d be

interested?” We’ll ask around.

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX AND

FOOD? “I used a cucumber as a

sex toy once. It’s not as good as

the real thing.”

56


$200

BEAUT

BUM!

BEƒUT BEƒUT BUM BUM

“I’ve considered

doing cam

work”

MERCEDES // 22

Bartender and barista Mercedes, 22, “quite

regularly” films herself jilling off. Can you send

us proof? “I actually have nothing at hand at

the moment.” At hand, snigger. How did this

excellent pastime start? “Well, it started as

cheeky vids for the other half, but after starting

I’ve considered doing video and cam work.”

What else have you and the other half filmed?

“Hours and hours of fun.” We’ve got time to sit

through it.

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX AND FOOD?

Only once. I was with my first boyfriend, and we

decided to give the whipped-cream-and-honey

fantasy a go. Whipped cream on his nips, a trail

of honey down his body. It wasn’t very sexy, I

licked about a third of the way down and gagged.

I couldn’t taste the honey, I could just taste, I

dunno, skin? It was gross and I haven’t tried it

again since. I might give it another crack.”

57


GO HARD! GO HOMIES!

“I like my

hair pulled

and my arse

smacked”

“I need to be

the one in

control”

HANNAH /24 VIANA // 28

BYRON BAY, NSW

German backpacker Hannah is

on the east coast of Godzone as

you read this. If you’re lucky, you

might even run into the 24-yearold.

How do you find Aussie

blokes? “They’re not shy, like the

German men. I like that. I’ve had

a great time with a few of them.”

Your best rooting experience

happened when… “I first arrived

in Sydney a few weeks back. I

ended up doing it in the back of

58

a car near a beach. I guess I was

pretty drunk.” What do you like

in the cot? “I like a guy to take

control. I like my hair pulled and

my arse to be smacked. I love

it when a guy says dirty things

to me, too.” SCHNELL! And

what’s the best way to pick you

up? “Just come and tell me that

you are interested.”

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX AND

FOOD? “I once put cream around

GOLD COAST, QLD

The hottest photo on 28-year-old

escort and gamer Viana’s phone

is “my boobs with cum on them”.

Sounds a masterpiece. “I take

a lot of naughty selfies.” What

gets you off about your selfphotography?

“I like the way it

makes me feel about myself. And

if it gets a good reaction from

the recipient, I enjoy that I have

made them excited as well.” We

will send our mobile numbers

through. Does your work involve

much kinky stuff? “I have

done a lot of fetish work. The

kinkiest thing would probably

be trampling and foot worship.”

Sounds exhausting to us. “It is a

lot of fun, but I definitely need to

be the one in control.”

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX AND

FOOD? “I have done the standard

whipped cream for oral, but

beside that it is usually just pizza

after a hot session.”


BILE

HOMIES

SEXY SNAPS FROM

ACROSS OZ

FARRAH

24

WA

RED

29

SA

GEMMA

26

NSW

LOU

21

QLD

MEL

19

NSW

CINDY

23

VIC

GOT A MOBILE

PHONE? OF

COURSE YA DO!

GOT BOOBS?

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SAUCY SELFIE

AND SEND IT OU

WAY. WIN CASH


GO HARD! GO HOMIES!

AMBER

PERTH, WA

“I m a s ow-o !”

KELLY

SYDNEY, NSW

“ oggy s t e est”

NOTHING

BUT THE

BOOBS

SUAN

CHATSWOOD, NSW

m usua y s y

SAMMY

GOLD COAST, QLD

a ways sw m nu e

GEORGI

BRISBANE, QLD

ey re a an u

BLUE

BRUNSWICK, VIC

as ng s un

60


“I’ve had

a session

with four

guys”

ZOEY // 25

MELBOURNE, VIC

“I’m an escort and I love it,” says

25-year-old Zoey. What are clients

most keen on getting you to do?

“Clients are most likely to ask for a

service that mimics what they would

experience if they met me in a bar.

Something passionate and exciting.

I’m too scared to see couples

because I’m worried they would

have an argument! They tend to set

lots of rules for each other which

can get messy and often one person

wants it way more than the other.”

What about more than one bloke?

“I’ve definitely had my fair share of

threesomes with two males and have

also had a session with four guys. It

was a lot more hilarious than sexy

but lots of fun.” If you’re involved,

it’d always be a little sexy.

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX AND

FOOD? “I’m a big fan of ordering

pizza and eating it in bed with

someone after a lazy bed day full

of sex and lounging around.”

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GO HARD! GO HOMIES!

KAT //33

NORTH MELBOURNE, VIC

Unemployed cabinetmaker Kat, 33,

has a pretty beaut idea of the ideal

dirty weekend. “Somewhere where

there are no neighbours or good

sound-proofing. It would be me and

my six or seven favourite women.”

What’s the biggest group sex romp

you’ve had? “Do swingers’ parties

count?” Do they ever. “I think

it may have been six. I’ve been

swinging about a year now.” What

are some highlights? “My favourite

party had me in a pile of women for

a lost amount of time.” Sounds a

top night. So you’ve adapted to the

lifestyle? “It’s a great atmosphere

and I can safely be as much of an

exhibitionist as I want to.”

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX AND

FOOD? “I’m a fan of edible body

paint, but food and sex sounds

messy. I’ve been showered with

warm coffee at a swingers’ party,

though.”

“I’ve been

swinging about

a year now”

62


NOTHING BUT THE NOTHING BUT THE BUM BUM

SCARLET

CABRAMATTA, NSW

m a sw nger

NOTHING

BUT THE

BUM

MIRANDA

BYRON BAY, NSW

m a an o ana

CARLY

HOBART, TAS

“I’m open or us ness”

RENEE

MELBOURNE, VIC

“ m a nymp oman ac!

LEANNE

BATHURST, NSW

“I m very o y prou ”

STEF

JOONDALUP, WA

tan my um

63


FLASHBACK

MARCH 2012

SCARLET WARD //21

GEELONG, VIC

This 21-year-old adrenaline junkie

is into loads of white powder. Not

Peruvian marching powder, but. Have

you ridden your skis or snowboard

naked? “I once skied in a bikini for a

dare.” Were your high beams poking

through? “They were.” Have you ever

picked up an Austrian ski instructor?

“An Austrian ski instructor? Um, sure

– why not?” What do you like in bed?

“I like to sleep naked in a waterbed. I

like to move it around rapidly.” What’s

the tattoo all about? “I designed it

myself. It means more that way.” It’s

in a pretty private spot. Do you show it

off much? “Sometimes at parties when

I’ve had enough to drink.” How much

is enough? “About three or four pints.”

“I once skied

in a bikini

for a dare”

64


“Why not

show off

my boobs?”

SARA // 26

ADELAIDE, SA

Grumpy midgets can fuck right off, as

far as 26-year-old Sara is concerned.

“I don’t like bad teeth, short men or

angriness,” she informed us. The only

ranga in a family of nine kids, Sara has

had a crack at women’s tennis, too, if

you know what we mean... NUDGE,

NUDGE. “I’ve had sex with a woman

just once – well, a couple of times

with the same woman. I did like it. It

was different – soft and sweet.” Has

your smoo been involved in any group

antics? “I’ve had a couple of threesomes.

Both times it was a two-girl, one-guy

thing. It was cool. It was fun.” Do your

boobs get much attention? “I paid good

money for them, why not show them

off?” We can’t think of a single good

reason.

65


GO HARD! GO HOMIES!

“I was a

bedazzled

nudist!”

“I would love

to shoot

naked again”

CRYSTAL // 25

This 25-year-old air hostess

reckons riding a Harley naked

“feels exhilarating and free”. Is

this your first naked ride? “Yes,

I was loving it.” Ever driven

or been a passenger in a car

while naked? “Sort of. I’ve been

driven in a car wearing nothing

but diamantes. I must say it’s

much more exciting than wearing

clothes or being straight-up

nude. I was a bedazzled nudist.”

What about sex in cars? “I’m

an ‘in the moment’ kind of girl,

so sometimes in a car is the way

to go.” Planes, trains or buses?

“I still have planes to check off

the list. But there is a thrill when

you are stuck at the back of a bus

and the chemistry is there. Once

you get away with a little, you

just can’t resist but see how much

further you can go and still get

away with it.”

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX

AND FOOD? “All the time.

Nothing like a little cream-andberry-covered

canvas.”

ELLE // 29

MELBOURNE, VIC

Thinking about being a homie?

This 29-year-old make-up artist

gives it a ringing endorsement.

“Posing nude at first was nerveracking

but then it felt amazing.

I felt liberated and so free. It was

on my bucket list. I would love to

shoot naked again in the future; it

was so liberating.” Anything else

on that list? “I’ve always wanted

to have sex on a car as well in

public.” What about sex on

camera? “I’ve done that with an

ex, but I deleted it after we broke

up.” Booooo. “The last thing I

need is a video on a porn site.”

Where else do you like to show

off your body? “The shower is a

favourite spot: every girl’s secret

selfie place.”

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX

AND FOOD? “I have mixed sex

and food a couple of times just for

fun. Chocolate is a fave.”

66


HOMIES WHO LOVE HOMIES WHO LOVE HOMIES HOMIES

KAIRA // 27

& SKYE // 26

Skye, 26, and Kaira, 27, have different views

on how close nude girls need to get. Skye: “I

love how soft and curvy women are. I once

was one of four in a queen bed. We all went

out for a couple of drinks, one thing led to

another and we all ended up naked in my

bed.” Can you beat that? Kaira: “Well, I’m

straight. Sometimes I might have a dream

that spending a night with a woman could be

actually worth a try.” Like Skye? Kaira: “She

does have a beautiful face and eyes.”

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX AND FOOD?

Kaira: “Honestly, I think that food is best

after sex. But some strawberries and cream

eaten from someone’s body are cool, too.”

Skye: “I hate having crumbs in the bed!

I guess the closest would’ve been licking

whipped cream off a guy. I was eating

strawberries at the time, too. Actually, that

was quite fun.”

“Food is

best after

sex”

“We all

ended up

naked in

my bed”

SKYE

$300

HOMIES

LOVE

HOMIES

KAIRA

67


Karl Clifford

GO HARD! GO HOMIES!

SARAH // 25

MONA VALE, NSW

“I’ve done something horrible,”

admits Sarah, 25. Ran over your

neighbour’s dog in your car?

“I slept with my ex-boyfriend’s

dad.” That’s one way to get

back at your ex. How did that

happen? “I saw him out one

night and he always a nice guy

to me, so he was just asking

how I was and stuff then before

I knew it he was buying me

drinks and we ended up going

back to his for a nightcap… and

yeah. The worst part is that he

was a better root than his son!”

No woman should know that…

are ya gunna see him again?

“Absolutely not. He’s texted

saying we should meet up and

talk about it, but that’s not going

to happen.” Wise move, Sarah.

HAVE YOU EVER MIXED SEX

AND FOOD? “Yeah, I’ve done the

whipped cream on a cock thing.

That was fun, although it was

tempting to just bite down!”

68


“I’ve had whipped

cream on a cock”

FLASH FOR CA$H!

Wanna be a Home Girl? Send us your pics and if

they’re suitable for publication in one of the

categories below AND WE PRINT THEM, we’ll

fling you the appropriate cash. So get snapping,

fill in the coupon, and see you nude soon!

$100

$100

$150

$200

$400

$400

Topless Homie

Bag Girl

Home Girl

Beaut Bum / Top Tits

Bedroom Babe / Homie on

Holiday / Homie with Hobbies

Home Girl of the Week

Send your snaps to HOME GIRLS, THE PICTURE,

GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2000. Each photo must

be signed on the back by the Home Girl.

Yes, I want to be a Home Girl (please tick)

I hereby give THE PICTURE magazine the right to publish one or more of the

enclosed photos of me. I give permission for my photo to be used on the

Internet, and on MMS, SMS or DVD.

Yes, I want my photographs to be published in the next Home Girls

Annual for which I will be paid $20 at time of publication.

By signing this agreement I signify I have read, understand and agree to

be bound by the important Terms and Conditions below.

Important Terms and Conditions 1. I acknowledge and agree that the publisher of THE

PICTURE magazine, Bauer Media Ltd, its licensees or assigns may publish or authorise

the publication of the pictures of me in any layout or format, in whole or in part, without

restriction as to changes or alterations made from time to time and accompanied by any

text and/or graphics it chooses without further reference to me. 2. I hereby assign to Bauer

Media Ltd the worldwide copyright to the photographs and acknowledge that Bauer Media

Ltd may exercise all of the rights of the copyright owner in respect of the photographs,

including using or licensing the publication of the photographs in other publications and using

or licensing the publication of the photographs in any format including (but not limited to)

DVD, MMS, CD-ROM or the Internet. 3. I release Bauer Media Ltd its employees, agents,

related companies and assigns from all actions, suits, causes of actions, claims and demands

whatsoever which I may have at any time in connection with the photographs or arising from

or relating to their publication in print or electronic media, including any liability by virtue

of any blurring, distortion, alteration, context or otherwise, including (but not limited to) any

action for defamation. 4. I acknowledge that persons sending Home Girls photos without the

written permission of the subject will be liable to criminal prosecution.

NAME

ADDRESS

$400

HOMIE OF

THE WEEK

POSTCODE

DATE OF BIRTH

PHONE (INCLUDE AREA CODE)

WORK

HOME

MOBILE

SIGNATURE

Please tick if you do not wish us to provide information about you to any

organisation not associated with this competition. See page 60 for Privacy Notice.

69


DAMN CHEAP

BUTTONS!

TRIVIA WITH TITS!

Men are twice as likely to forgive a

partner who’s had a lesbian affair than

a heterosexual one.

Less than two per cent of the world’s

population is red-headed and most live

in the British Isles or Australia. To have

red hair and blue eyes is even rarer still

73 LITRES

The world record for alcohol

consumption is by Andre the Giant who

consumed 153 beers in one sitting.

6.17M

The world’s longest

measured crocodile

was 6.17m. It’s

thought that NT croc

Dominator isn’t far off, but he’s

never been officially measured.

ONLY FIVE PER CENT OF THE

WORLD’S POPULATION HAVE EVER

BEEN ON A PLANE.

The world’s oldest porn star

is 83-year-old Japanese

bloke Shigeo Tokuda. He

reckons he gets all his

stamina from eating eggs.

AC/DC tracks are the best

music to attract sharks

according to shark

divers in South

Australia.

TECHNICALLY, WHISKEY CAN

LAST FOREVER IF KEPT IN AN

UNOPENED BOTTLE AND OUT OF

DIRECT SUNLIGHT.


THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE

AY NOTHING NOW

THE BRADFORD

EXCHANGE

Please Respond

Promptly

YES! Please reserve the

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the Years Express” for

me as described in this

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Please allow up to 10 business days for

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and reservation acceptance. Credit criteria may

apply. Our privacy policy is available online at

www.bradford.com.au. You must be over 18

years old to apply. From time to time, we may

allow carefully screened companies to contact

you. If you would prefer not to receive such

offers, please tick this box. ❑

For quickest delivery, order online:

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Quoting promotion code: 103283

Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms ____ First Name: ____________________________

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1. ONLINE at www.bradford.com.au/coke

quoting promotion code: 103283

2. MAIL no stamp required, to: The Bradford Exchange,

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16 piece track set – YOURS FREE

in an upcoming shipment

In tribute to over 75 years of the COCA-COLA ® Santa, The

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Issue One - All Aboard Issue Two - The Power That Refreshes

Issue Three - Thirst Asks For Nothing More

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