Happiful September 2019

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH 

SEPT 2019 

£4.00 

THE 

CONFIDENCE 

FORMULA 

Stuck in a 

career crisis? 

(Solution = p68) 

32 

easy acts 

of kindness 

No t xic talk. 

No more BS. 

It's time 'fad diets' 

faded out 

THE REALITY OF 

ACTING ON A 

DREAM 

FREE 

WALL 

ART 

Gok Wan 

The self-love guru 

has got your back 

Hair-pulling 

disorder 

The whole truth 

about trich 

West End Les Misérables star 

Carrie Hope Fletcher shows that 

anxiety can affect even 

the most unlikely 

of people 

9 772514 373000 

09 

HAPPIFUL.COM 

DON'T 

MISS 

GBBO's Kim-Joy • BPD myths 

debunked • Grace Victory

Photography | Svetlana Pochatun 

Photography | Aditya Saxena 

“ 

Those who don’t believe in 

magic will never fi nd it 

– ROALD DAHL

We’re all on this journey 

In a world where we’re more connected than ever 

before, it’s easy to look around us and feel pressure 

to be something we’re not. To conform to how 

mainstream and social media tells us we need to 

look, think, or even feel. 

From those polished Instagram squares, to media 

headlines about ‘who wore it better’, to reality shows 

discussing body parts as if they are shop-bought. 

We can feel bombarded by conflicting messages 

on all the million things we’re supposed to have 

achieved, while looking our best, and never letting 

our smile falter while we do it. 

We’ve packed this issue with content to shatter those 

expectations, and empower you to see that who you 

are, exactly as you are, is enough. 

It’s OK to not always feel in love with yourself, or to 

not be on top of the world, but don’t let external 

forces dampen your spirits. 

This September, the charismatic Carrie Hope 

Fletcher puts anxiety in the spotlight, and shows 

that even those who seem the most confident 

can struggle as the curtain falls. We delve into 

the neuroscience that could be key to reclaiming 

confidence in your career, open up a dialogue 

about dangerous ‘diet talk’, and chat to Gok Wan 

about self-love in the digital age. 

If you take away one thing from this issue, know 

that we’re all in the same boat. We’re all paddling 

forwards, and sometimes the current can take us 

off course, but there’s 

always something to 

keep moving towards on 

the horizon. 

And, when needed, know 

there’ll be someone 

to help steer you back 

when the waters get 

rough. 

We love hearing from you, get in touch: 

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR 

happiful.com happifulhq @happifulhq @happiful_magazine

14 

The Uplift 

8 In the news 

13 The wellbeing wrap 

14 What is cyber self-harm? 

What motivates people to send themselves 

hate online, and how can it be helped? 

74 Mini donks for wellbeing 

The social enterprise enhancing lives with 

their seven miniature donkeys 

Features 

16 Carrie Hope Fletcher 

The actor, author, and YouTuber opens up 

about rebuilding after a relationship, and 

the importance of setting boundaries 

28 The truth about trich 

What's behind the condition that gives 

people the urge to pull out their hair, and 

how can it be treated? 

58 Gok Wan 

13 years after How to Look Good Naked 

first aired, Gok talks body confidence in 

the digital age 

68 Know your neuroscience 

Could understanding our brain functions 

be the key to unlocking confidence? 

42 

58 

Life Stories 

36 Katie: facing the future 

Katie struggled to manage her mental 

health for more than a decade, until 

a diagnosis of bipolar offered her the 

answers she needed to move forward 

52 Ashley: in it together 

Living with mental health and 

neurodiversity, life hasn't always been 

easy for Ashley. But in finding love and 

a supportive online community, he's 

finally embracing who he is 

Culture 

26 Back to school 

Columnist Grace Victory explores the 

anxiety that flares up in September 

46 Live life, unfiltered 

Read the life-affirming novel that gets frank 

about what it takes to be the best you 

51 Things to do in September 

90 Quickfire: MH matters 

NEW! 

Grace's 

column 

87 Brian: a new me 

It wasn't easy for Brian to admit that 

he had developed a problem with 

drinking. Today, he's renewed his 

passion for life after reaching out for 

the help that he needed 

62

80 

16 

Lifestyle and 

Relationships 

33 Good deeds for days 

Five acts of kindness to help you give back 

42 Bake Off's Kim-Joy 

Social anxiety, and the benefits of baking 

with the queen of cute cooking 

57 This month's top picks 

Content creator Simone Powderly shares 

what she is loving right now 

80 The Anna Edit 

Blogger Anna Newton reflects on the 

lessons she's learned as she approaches 30 

83 BPD myths debunked 

We break down some of the most common 

misconceptions about BPD 

FREE 

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ART 

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Food & Drink 

62 Got granola? 

Start your day right with this blissfully easy, 

homemade fruity granola 

64 Spot diet BS 

Cut out the toxic talk and fad diets, and 

start living your healthiest life 

Happiful Hacks 

24 Sing for joy 

40 Hang up on phone phobia 

48 Treating panic attacks at work 

72 Bathing benefits 

OUR PLEDGE 

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EXPERT PANEL 

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver 

information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue 

SIMON MATHIAS 

BSc (Hons) 

Simon is a psychotherapist 

who supports adults, 

children, and families. 

DR AUDREY TANG 

PhD MSc BSc (hons) (cPsychol) 

Audrey is a chartered 

psychologist and 

mindfulness expert. 

RACHEL COFFEY 

BA MA NLP Mstr 

Rachel is a life coach 

encouraging confidence 

and motivation. 

MICHELLE BOEHM 

DipION mBANT CNHC 

Michelle is a nutritional 

therapist and health 

coach. 

FE ROBINSON 

UKCP (Reg) 

Fe is a psychotherapist 

and couples counsellor, 

based in Durham. 

GRAEME ORR 

MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind 

Graeme is a counsellor 

working with both 

individuals and couples. 

OUR TEAM 

EDITORIAL 

Rebecca Thair | Editor 

Kathryn Wheeler | Staff Writer 

Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant 

Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor 

Fe Robinson | Expert Advisor 

Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director 

Charlotte Reynell | Graphic Designer 

Rosan Magar | Illustrator 

CONTRIBUTORS 

Kat Nicholls, Bonnie Evie Gifford, 

Victoria Williams, Grace Victory, Becky Wright, 

Audrey Tang, Lucy Donoughue, 

Ellen Hoggard, Pixie Turner, Fiona Thomas, 

Anna Newton, Hattie Gladwell, 

Katie Conibear, Ashley Ford-McAllister, 

Brian Parker 

SPECIAL THANKS 

Paul Buller, Tom Buller, Krishan Parmar, 

Alice Theobald, Simon Mathias, Graeme Orr, 

Louise Watson, Rachel Coffey, Michelle Boehm, 

Fe Robinson, Simone Powderly, Eleanor Thom 

COMMUNICATIONS 

Lucy Donoughue 

Head of Content and Communications 

lucy.donoughue@happiful.com 

PIXIE TURNER 

ANutr MSc 

Pixie is a nutritionist, science 

communicator, and author 

addressing food myths. 

LOUISE WATSON 

MA MSc CPsychol AFBPsS 

Louise is a chartered 

psychologist and 

integrative counsellor. 

Amie Sparrow 

PR Manager 

amie.sparrow@happiful.com 

MANAGEMENT 

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder 

Emma White | Director & Co-Founder 

Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder 

Steve White | Finance Director 

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FIND HELP 

CRISIS SUPPORT 

If you are in crisis and are concerned for your 

own safety, call 999, or go to A&E 

Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email 

them on jo@samaritans.org 

Head to 

happiful.com 

for more services 

and support 

GENERAL LISTENING LINES 

SANEline 

SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 

0300 304 7000 

Mind 

Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank 

holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk 

CALM 

The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is a line 

for men, and is open from 5pm–midnight: 0800 58 58 58 

Switchboard 

Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 

0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt 

IN THIS ISSUE 

p14 

CONFIDENTIAL SUPPORT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE 

Childline offers young people a confidential phone line, and relatives 

can find support on their site. Visit childline.org.uk or call 0800 1111 

p16 

FIND OUT MORE ABOUT ANXIETY 

Find support and information about the most common forms of 

anxiety, and read about other people's experiences on 

anxietyuk.org.uk, or call Anxiety UK's infoline on 03444 775 774 

p36 

BIPOLAR ADVICE AND COMMUNITY SUPPORT 

Charity Bipolar UK hosts advice, information and an online 

community. Visit bipolaruk.org to find out more. 

p62 

DISCOVER NUTRITIONAL ADVICE YOU CAN TRUST 

Browse hundreds of articles and fact sheets on a host of nutrition 

topics, and find a professional nutritionist in your area at 

nutritionist-resource.org.uk 

p83 

INFORMATION ON BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER 

Founded to offer specific support for those with BPD, 

bpdworld.org offers information, and a community forum 

with more than 50,000 members.

The Uplift 

ARTS 

UK tour triumph 

for drag troupe 

with a difference 

Founded in 2018, Drag Syndrome 

– a drag troupe featuring performers 

with Down’s syndrome – have been 

touring the country, slaying the stage, 

and putting visibility realness in 

the spotlight. 

Run by performance and dance 

company Culture Device, the idea 

for Drag Syndrome was born when 

artistic director Daniel Vais took one 

of the performers to a drag show with 

him. Previously having put on ballet 

shows and fashion shoots, Daniel 

suggested the performers tried drag. 

From there, Drag Syndrome was born. 

The project has self-expression at 

its heart – and for Daniel, that’s what 

makes a show from Drag Syndrome 

so compelling. 

“I’m working with master 

performers. They’ve got the skills 

and talent to light up a stadium, 

and touch each and every audience 

member,” Daniel tells Happiful. 

“Their commitment to their art and 

career is astounding and inspiring. If 

you like a good performance, go see 

them in action.” 

Driven by the performers, and 

challenging perceptions of Down’s 

syndrome while capturing the 

energy of drag, Drag Syndrome is 

a celebration of creativity that tells 

stigma to sashay away. 

Follow @dragsyndrome on Instagram 

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler 

Photography | Damien Frost 

8 • happiful.com • September 2019

HEALTH 

Lessons on the menopause will 

now be taught in schools 

Successful campaign will see changes made to secondary 

school sex and relationship lessons in the UK 

After a hysterectomy led her to 

experience severe symptoms of the 

menopause, psychotherapist Diane 

Danzebrink has been campaigning 

to raise awareness and improve 

understanding, leading to lessons 

on the menopause being added to 

the school curriculum. 

Speaking about her experience of 

the menopause, she says it caused 

her to fall into a dark place. 

“I was lucky; I had a supportive 

husband and family who got me 

the help I needed when I was not 

capable of doing that for myself,” 

Diane told the BBC. 

“Since then, I have become 

increasingly aware of just how 

many women are not receiving 

the right support and advice about 

menopause, from their doctors, 

employers, and sometimes even 

their own families and friends.” 

Diane’s campaign began in 

October 2018, and the government 

now says the menopause will be 

added to secondary school sex and 

relationship lessons in the UK. 

While the details are still to be 

finalised, the then education 

secretary, Damian Hinds, 

confirmed the government’s 

support, saying it was an important 

part of reproductive education, and 

“all children should learn about this 

at school”. 

With education comes 

understanding and support – here’s 

to more of both in the near future. 

Writing | Kat Nicholls 

TECH 

WhatsApp 

could have 

a positive 

impact on your 

wellbeing 

When it comes to health and 

wellbeing, social media has a 

pretty bad rep. But a new study 

from Edge Hill University, 

Lancashire, has revealed 

that WhatsApp may actually 

have a positive impact on our 

psychological wellbeing. 

Researchers have revealed that 

spending time chatting via the 

popular messaging app may lead 

to a higher sense of self-esteem, 

reduced levels of loneliness, and 

could help us feel closer to our 

friends and family. 

Prior research has suggested 

social media platforms such as 

Instagram and Snapchat may be 

detrimental to our health, with 

studies linking the time spent on 

social media with increased levels 

of depression and anxiety. 

But when it comes to our 

wellbeing, group chats and oneon-one 

interactions are thought 

to be some of the most beneficial 

aspects of social media, thanks 

to the increased sense of social 

support. It could still be too early 

to judge, but these latest findings 

suggest tech may be able to 

help us create new channels of 

communication, and feel more 

connected with others. 

Now that’s something to text 

home about! 

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford 

September 2019 • happiful.com • 9

All my life through, the new 

sights of nature made me 

rejoice like a child 

– MARIE CURIE

WELLBEING 

This is how long 

you need to 

spend in nature 

From sweet little succulents to cute 

cacti, we’re all a little preoccupied 

with plants at the moment. While 

getting a little greenery into our 

homes and offices can do wonders 

for our wellbeing, new research 

suggests that spending just two 

hours getting back to nature each 

week could be enough boost our 

health and wellbeing. 

Researchers from the University 

of Exeter Medical School have 

revealed that spending time 

exploring your local country park, 

relaxing on a bench, or going for 

a jaunt in the countryside, can 

improve our physical and mental 

wellbeing. 

The study of almost 20,000 

participants revealed that 

regardless of age, gender, or 

ethnicity, we may still see a benefit 

from just 120 minutes a week in 

nature, and those with a disability 

or long-term illness reported 

similar boosts. 

If you ask us, this sounds like the 

perfect excuse to ditch your desk 

for a leisurely lunch break outside! 

Stuck in an office with not a leaf in 

sight? Try spicing up your commute 

by exploring the path less trodden, 

and sneak in a little extra time 

enjoying the fresh air. 



Take 5 

Get those thinking caps on and put your linguistic skills 

to the test as you tackle this month’s puzzling picks 

S A M A T N M I N D S 

P K O S E B I V B E E 

I N V A B A S I T H N 

M D E H R K A E P S S 

L E M T E A A E R R E 

A P E R A F L A N U S 

C S N A T E T I D T R 

Y C T E H N A T U R E 

H R R A E R S C I N T 

S A M A R I T A N S S 

S E N S C A T S M S N 

Word Search 

Find the following mental heath 

related words in the grid 

CATS 

SAMARITANS 

MOVEMENT 

VIBES 

BREATHE 

EARTH 

SENSES 

RAIN 

MIND 

SPEAK 

NATURE 

CALM 

I 

A 

T 

M 

E 

R 

N 

S 

L 

Wheels in motion 

Using the letters no more than once, make as 

many words as possible of three or more 

letters, always including the letter in the 

middle of the wheel. Want an extra 

challenge? Set yourself a time limit – 

three minutes, GO! 

5 = word wizard 

10 = gaming guru 

15+ words = Shakespearean superstar 

How did you do? 

Search 'freebies' at 

shop.happiful.com 

to find the answers, 

and more!

Going up 

Reading for six 

minutes a day 

can reduce 

stress by 68% 

Rock on! 

Climbing can 

benefit our 

mental health 

Rosé-flavoured 

berries are now a 

thing in the US – 

berry nice 

7% of Brits 

have more 

takeaways than 

home-cooked 

meals 

47% of Brits 

considered 

ending a 

relationship due 

to bad kissing 

Going down 

The 

wellbeing 

wrap 

Cheesy does it 

The sushi bar meets 

cheese aficionados' 

dreams, as Pick & Cheese 

– a new restaurant where 

food is delivered on a 40 

metre conveyor belt 

– is coming to 

London. 

It's not to 

brie missed! 

Reworking roadworks 

In a win for both the environment and travellers, a 

pioneering new resurfacing system is being used on 

a road in Yorkshire. The process recycles the old road 

surface using 'cold repave' machinery, meaning the work 

can be completed more quickly than with traditional 

methods, and sees around 60% less waste going to 

landfill! Sounds like a route to success. 

If goats weren't 

adorable enough 

(if you haven't seen 

the pyjama party 

video, Google it 

immediately!), new 

research has revealed 

they can perceive 

emotions in 

each other's 

voices. 

'Goat-ally' 

incredible. 

Bats? Frogs? 

Rats? A new study 

has revealed 

the animals we 

fear most – and, 

unsurprisingly, 

spiders came out 

the clear winner! 

In contrast, cats 

came out on top 

as our faves! 

Restoring some faith in human nature 

Contrary to previous findings, new research suggests 

that people really can rely on the kindness of strangers. 

In a study reviewing CCTV footage of real-life conflicts in 

multiple cities around the world, researchers found that 

91% of the time, at least one bystander will intervene 

to help victims of aggressive behaviour! In the past, 

the 'bystander effect' was expected, but these findings 

suggest a more positive outlook on helping each other. 

Searching for support 

Monthly UK Google searches 

for 'mental health' have more 

than doubled in the past four 

years –from 27,800 in 2015 to 

69,200 in 2019. It's also been 

revealed that 893 phrases 

related to mental health have 

seen searches increase 37% 

– the highest being 'anxiety', 

'depression', and 'bipolar'. This 

could be a sign of growing 

awareness, and people ready 

to reach out for help... 

In a recent study, 52% 

of people admitted to 

kissing their dog more than 

their partner – and prefer 

sleeping in bed with their 

dogs! Paws for 

thought... 

Hug it out 

Did you know that 

a good hug can not 

only boost our immune 

systems, but can also 

reduce the chances of you 

getting in to conflict afterwards as 

well? By releasing oxytocin (the feel-good 

hormone), it can soothe you throughout 

the day, meaning your fight-or-flight 

response is less sensitive, resulting 

in fewer impulse reactions to stress. 

I make that cuddle o'clock. 

Cutting edge ideas 

Pucker up! 

Non-profit group, Steel 

Warriors, is tackling knife 

crime in the capital, by 

melting down confiscated 

knives, and creating 

outdoor callisthenics parks 

around London. 

Since 2018, there has 

been a 22% increase in 

crimes involving knives, 

and so finding a way to 

address this that raises 

awareness while bringing 

communities together 

in a positive way, is an 

incredible feat. 

“ 

Since 2018, 

there has been 

a 22% increase 

in crimes 

involving knives 

The symbolic and striking 

creations are also offering 

people an opportunity to 

get involved in one of the 

world's fastest-growing 

fitness trends – actively 

tackling knife crime with 

steely determination.

What is 

cyber self-harm? 

Nasty messages, vicious comments – we’ve all seen or heard 

about online trolling, but what would cause someone to send 

such hurtful comments to themselves? 


Illustrating | Rosan Magar 

Being a teenager is tough. 

This is often when mental 

health conditions first 

appear, questions of 

identity, and ‘where do I fit in?’ 

hang heavy in the air. This was 

something I certainly wrestled with 

as a teenager. It was also the time I 

started self-harming. 

Self-harm is when a person 

intentionally causes themselves 

harm, usually through cutting, 

burning, or putting themselves in 

dangerous situations. 

Those who self-harm often use 

it as a coping mechanism to help 

them deal with difficult emotions. 

Perhaps it comes as no surprise 

then that, according to the Mental 

Health Foundation, the majority 

of people affected by self-harm are 

aged 11–25. Something I didn’t have 

to contend with at school, however, 

was social media. 

Times have changed, and so has 

the mental health landscape. The 

realm of self-harm has now 

expanded and gone digital. 

WHAT IS CYBER SELF-HARM? 

Cyber self-harm is when someone 

uses an anonymous social media 

platform to send themselves 

abusive comments or messages. 

While cyber self-harm is not as 

well understood as cyber-bullying 

and harassment, it’s thought to be a 

growing problem. 

A US survey published in the 

Journal of Adolescent Health in 2017 

sampled students between the ages 

of 12 and 17, and found 6% had 

sent themselves anonymous abuse 

online. Looking at the gender split, 

they found males 

were more likely 

to cyber self-harm 

(7.1% compared 

with 5.3% 

females). 


If someone is cyber self-harming, 

it doesn’t necessarily mean they 

are harming themselves physically. 

However, this can act as a catalyst. 

Cyber self-harming can become 

a habit, just like physical selfharming. 

It may lead to conditions 

like depression, low self-esteem, 

eating disorders, or suicidal 

thoughts. 

WHY DO PEOPLE 

CYBER SELF-HARM? 

To get a better understanding of 

why people do this, I spoke with 

Times have 

changed, and so has 

the mental health 

landscape. The 

realm of self-harm 

has now gone digital 

psychotherapist and Counselling 

Directory member, Simon 

Mathias. Simon has worked 

with teenagers who have cyber 

self-harmed and says, in his 

experience, there are three main 

reasons why they do this: to get 

attention, for social compatibility, 

and to receive positive remarks. 

The attention-seeking reason 

may appear controversial. In 

the self-harm community, the 

misconception that it is attentionseeking 

is fiercely refuted. This 

is where cyber self-harm differs. 

Those who engage in it often want 

others to notice. 

“They see others being supported 

when they report trolling. This 

is then endorsed by the 

reactions of the media when 

celebrities report incidents. 

They tend to want to have 

attention paid to them by 

friends, peers, or teachers, 

rather than by parents,” 

Simon explains. 

Social compatibility is 

often the reason when the 

cyber self-harm activity 

results in being accepted 

or liked by others, and 

the desire for positive 

remarks can go 

deeper than simply 

wanting attention. 

“This is where 

the child wants 

specific and direct 

positive comments, 

on aspects such as 

their physical appearance, 

what they have done etc. It may 

be directed to get a response 

from parents or family, but most 

certainly friends, and usually 

to counter the specific trolling 

comments.” 

WHAT CAN PARENTS 

DO TO HELP? 

The nature of cyber self-harm can 

make it difficult to spot. Ensuring 

communication between you and 

your child is open and honest 

can help them feel more able to 

come to you for support. Regular 

conversations about social media 

and negative comments will also 

show that this is a topic they can 

come to you about. 

If you discover that your child is 

self-harming in this way, it may 

be tempting to ban social media 

and take away their devices, but 

this is rarely helpful. Instead, 

it’s important to talk about 

what’s happening, without any 

judgement. 

“Once a child or teenager has 

come for help it’s important to 

build a confidential, safe and 

trusting relationship. It’s best to 

take the time to listen to their story 

and allow them to open up.” 

Helping your child identify 

their strengths, and finding the 

words they need to express their 

emotions, is key too. It also helps 

to focus on the underlying reasons 

behind the cyber self-harming, 

rather than the behaviour itself. 

Finally, Simon says when your 

child feels ready, you can suggest 

visiting a counsellor. 

“Today, most counsellors and 

psychotherapists like myself use 

a variety of approaches. It isn’t 

all about talking. I have games, 

outdoor activities, and a dog, that 

help my clients work through their 

thoughts and emotions.” 

Support from friends, parents 

and counsellors can be essential in 

helping teenagers make sense of 

their feelings, and to find healthier 

ways to get what they need. 


Here I am 

Star of the stage, page, and internet age – award-winning 

actor, author, and YouTuber Carrie Hope Fletcher knows 

better than most what it takes to live life in the spotlight. 

From times when her personal life has been put under 

a microscope, to the collision of her online and offline 

worlds, here Carrie speaks candidly about rebuilding 

yourself after a relationship ends, her experiences with 

depression and anxiety, and the importance of having 

your own back 

Interview | Kathryn Wheeler 

Photography | Paul Buller 

Blouse | Topshop, Skirt | H&M, Belt | New Look, Shoes | Kurt Geiger

It was the night of the 

30th anniversary of the 

first London production 

of Les Misérables; that, 

Carrie Hope Fletcher 

tells me, was the pinnacle of her 

career so far. At the time, Carrie 

was playing the role of Éponine, 

and following the curtain call, 

the current cast were joined on 

stage by the original actors for 

a half-hour concert, concluding 

with a rousing rendition of ‘One 

Day More’. 

In the shuffle to fit everyone 

under the spotlight, Carrie 

found herself standing centre 

stage next to Colm Wilkinson 

– the original Jean Valjean. As 

the song ended, and confetti 

cannons and applause erupted, 

Colm took Carrie’s hand and 

said: “You were excellent.” 

Of course, this was far from 

Carrie’s first rodeo. Her big 

break was aged five, featuring in 

a Honey Nut Cheerios advert – 

and by the time she was 11, she’d 

already starred in three West 

End shows. >>>

Today, Carrie’s fingers are 

adorned with rings – one for each 

show she’s starred in – and this 

year she won ‘Best Actress in a 

Musical’ for her performance 

in Heathers: The Musical in the 

WhatsOnStage Awards. But despite 

all this, Carrie admits she still has 

‘pinch me’ moments, and struggles 

with imposter syndrome, and 

feelings of self-doubt. 

“It’s an insecurity of mine that 

I always feel I have something 

to prove because I never went to 

drama school. I convince myself 

that I don’t deserve to be here,” 

Carrie says. “But then you talk to 

other people who have been to 

drama school, and they think the 

same thing. Everyone convinces 

themselves that they don’t deserve 

to be where they are.” 

Meeting Carrie – who is calm, 

attentive, and warm – you may not 

suspect the current of anxiety that, 

she explains, is often meandering 

below the surface. 

“I feel like I walk through life with 

a bubble over my head,” Carrie 

says. “It’s just my own thoughts 

bouncing around, and I come 

up with every single scenario of 

what could go wrong, and then a 

contingency plan for each.” 

Carrie shares how recently she 

was due to meet her boyfriend 

– fellow West End actor Oliver 

Ormson – and his castmates for 

drinks after rehearsals. As she 

approached the bar, Carrie felt 

her heart begin to beat faster as 

anxiety, at the thought of walking 

into a room full of people she didn’t 

know, set in. The evening went 

absolutely fine, and afterwards 

Carrie was frustrated that she spent 

so much time worrying about it. 

Blouse | Topshop, Shorts | H&M, Headscarf | New Look 

18 • happiful.com • June 2019

It’s something that many others 

who experience anxiety will 

relate to. But putting feelings 

and experiences that are rarely 

articulated into words is something 

of a speciality for Carrie. In 2015, at 

the age of 22, Carrie published her 

first book, All I Know Now. Written 

on train journeys between her job 

at the West End, and home where 

she would film, edit and upload 

YouTube videos – and aimed at her 

then-teenage following – the book 

sought to address the worries and 

hurdles that Carrie herself had 

come up against as a teen. And it 

did so with huge success, topping 

the charts as a Sunday Times 

best-seller. 

“Everyone convinces 

themselves that they 

don’t deserve to be 

where they are” 

Why did I make that decision? Why 

didn’t I just calm down?’ 

“Then I look around at the people 

who are exactly the same age as 

I am, and one of them has three 

kids, one of them is single and 

travelling, one of them has created 

her own business and she’s just 

bought a mansion. 

“There’s no one way to do things. 

There’s no: you get a house, you 

have kids, and you live out the rest 

of your days with your husband 

and your children.” 

Carrie’s right. While there may 

have once been a check-list 

for a good life, now things are 

increasingly less directed. We have 

much more freedom to choose our 

own paths, but that doesn’t mean 

things are easier. 

The conundrum of modern life 

is something Carrie explores in a 

recent heart-on-her-sleeve blog 

post, ‘Trips with Exes’. Following 

a visit to Disneyland Paris in July, 

Carrie reflected on how she had 

also been there with previous 

boyfriends – in 2012 and 2015. She 

notes how, as a society in 2019, 

we’re in a strange situation where 

we no longer expect to have just one 

partner for our entire lives, but we 

haven’t yet learned how to deal with 

the legacy of past relationships. 

“Especially when they’re archived 

on the internet,” adds Carrie. 

“Someone asked me why I hadn’t 

deleted all the photos with my exboyfriend, 

and I’m like, because it 

happened! I’m not going to erase 

every trace of my ex. I was with 

him, I spent two and a half years 

with him. I’m not going to pretend 

it didn’t happen.” 

While Carrie finds being open 

about such topics cathartic, having 

been active online for eight years 

now, she’s had to learn where to 

draw the line when it comes to 

letting people into her life. 

“You know where your line is, 

and you know that your line is here. 

But other people think your line is 

much closer to you than it actually 

is – and they don’t realise that when 

you put a 10-minute video up, that’s 

10 minutes of a week.” 

That said, Carrie looks back on a 

time when YouTube, and sharing 

her life, was her whole world. 

Her journey into the online world 

began in 2011, when she first began 

uploading videos to the site. A mix 

of singing covers and chatty vlogs, 

Carrie quickly amassed a following 

that today sits at more than half a 

million. 

“When I started I was 19, which is 

fetal now I think about it,” she says. 

“That’s a weird time to be sharing 

yourself with strangers, because 

you still don’t know who that self is. 

“And then I got into Les Mis, and I 

had to move my focus somewhere 

else. I was still making videos, 

but I wasn’t so much a part of the 

YouTube community, and I realised 

how much I enjoyed that. When 

you’re submerged in one thing 

it’s all you ever think about, it’s all 

you ever do, and the people you’re 

speaking about only ever have 

one perspective – which is being a 

YouTuber.” 

That ‘YouTube community’ was 

the focus of much attention in 

the early years of this decade. A 

level playing field, mainly driven 

by young people like Carrie, 

where everyone was welcome 

to join the movement – YouTube 

was revolutionising the media 

landscape at a drastic rate. 

Fuelled by a cocktail of rapidlychanging 

hormones, bad 

haircuts, and general angst, our 

teenage years are some of the 

most memorable, but also most 

challenging. It makes perfect 

sense that so many people would 

jump at the chance to read a 

guide like Carrie’s. But, now 26, 

Carrie looks back at the four years 

that have passed since the book 

was published, and sees them as 

equally formative. 

“There are times in your life 

where even a year or two makes 

such a difference,” she reflects. “I 

think about myself a year ago and 

say: ‘Oh God, what was I thinking? >>> 


20 • happiful.com • August 2019 

Blouse | Topshop, Skirt | H&M, Belt | New Look, Shoes | Kurt Geiger

And while much of the same can 

still be said today, 2014 remains 

a difficult time in the platform’s 

history. 

“A lot of things happened; there 

were a lot of scandals,” says Carrie. 

“People didn’t want to associate 

themselves with others too heavily, 

just in case something went wrong. 

I think everyone’s still a bit scared 

of that now.” 

From early 2014, sexual abuse 

scandals shocked the YouTube 

community, with numerous 

allegations made against several 

UK creators. At the centre of 

this was Carrie’s ex-boyfriend 

– a prominent creator who was 

accused of abuse and inappropriate 

behaviour in 14 separate 

allegations. 

“It was such a horrendous time 

for everybody,” Carrie says. “When 

I started dating him, people told 

me: ‘He’s cheated in the past, so 

just be careful.’ But I was that girl 

who thought: ‘I’ll change him, it’ll 

be different with me.’ He was very 

charming, and he was quite aloof, 

so when he was giving me attention 

I felt special. And I was 19 – I was 

so young. 

“There will be people who will 

read this interview and say: ‘I’m 19 

or 20, and I know better.’ I promise 

you, you don’t. I thought I knew 

better, I thought I knew it all. But I 

was so oblivious to what was going 

on. I was surprised when I found 

out he cheated on me with one 

person, and then I found out it was 

seven. But you couldn’t have told 

me, there was no way.” 

Carrie describes the incident, and 

the allegations, as driving a wedge 

through her life. Looking back, she 

sees her life in two acts: ‘before it 

happened’ and ‘after it happened’. 

“Of course there are things that are 

different now, like how I conduct 

my relationships – when emotional 

things like that happen, you’re 

left with a few soul scars. But I’ve 

surrounded myself with an amazing 

group of friends, an amazing 

boyfriend, and my incredible family, 

so I never need to worry because I’ve 

always got people to fall back on.” 

Five years on, Carrie’s willingness 

to be candid about her experience, 

as well as her mental health, is one 

part of what makes her such a real 

and refreshing person for all those 

who follow her. 

“I think it’s the actor in me,” 

Carrie says, as she ponders 

what’s behind her emotional 

veracity. “I’m very happy to be 

like: ‘Here I am, take it all!’” 

She explains how the 

depression she experienced 

for years was a side-effect of 

the birth control she was on – 

something women have been 

reporting anecdotally for years, 

but was only confirmed in 2018 

by a study from the University of 

Copenhagen. 

“I’ve finally found a pill 

that works for me, and the >>> 


depression side of things is 

something that I don’t really have 

to deal with now. But the anxiety 

side of things…” Carrie puts her 

face in her hands, and laughs in 

exasperation. 

“Ever since I was a kid I’ve been a 

nervous person. But when you’re in 

an industry where you won’t get a 

role because you’re an inch too tall, 

or too short, your eyes are brown or 

blue, or even because you’re too fat 

to play that role – you’re constantly 

very self-aware. That’s just within 

the industry – then when you have 

fans, and there’s a whole other side.” 

The stage door is the place where 

Carrie’s online and offline worlds 

collide. Fans wait for Carrie to come 

out after a show, and while she has 

had incredible experiences, the 

attention has been overwhelming, 

and even scary at times. 

Carrie’s open, nurturing nature 

has meant that people often come 

to her for advice. What began as 

messages online, soon translated 

into real-life encounters; Carrie 

recalls a time when someone 

approached her after a show, to 

tell her they were planning to take 

their own life the next day. 

“What do you do?” Carrie asks 

with dismay. “It’s happened on 

more than one occasion, and 

it’s hard because I want to help, 

but I don’t know how. I’m not a 

counsellor, I’m an actress. I’m not 

equipped to deal with people’s 

emotional trauma.” 

It’s an unimaginable load, and 

something that Carrie – and others 

in similar influential positions – 

have to bear, never quite knowing 

what the outcome will be. 

Another, albeit milder, challenge 

of Carrie’s multifaceted career is the 

way that she’s perceived by others. 

While some artists have been 

able to break free of the YouTuber 

bubble, into the mainstream, 

capturing a three-dimensional 

career on platforms that demand 

you to stay ‘on-brand’ isn’t easy. 

“It’s funny, I get this weird sense 

of pride when someone says: ‘Oh, 

you’re the author!’ It’s not because 

I value being an author over 

everything else, it’s because it takes 

me off-guard. If someone comes 

to my show, they will always think 

of me as an actor first – and if they 

find my videos, they’ll always think 

of me as a Youtuber. 

“It’s not my business 

what other people 

think of me – that’s 

my mantra” 

“But it’s not my business what 

other people think of me – that’s 

my mantra,” says Carrie, though 

she admits it’s a journey, rather 

than a destination. “I don’t think 

there will ever be a point where 

I’m happy just to forget how I’m 

perceived by other people. But me 

now, compared to me three years 

ago – we’re completely different 

people. It’s a miracle.” 

As we’re finishing up our 

interview, we get chatting about 

tattoos. Carrie has several on her 

feet (“But if I wasn’t an actor, I’d be 

covered!”), and one on her side that 

features the line, ‘An inexplicable 

sense of happiness’ from her 2016 

novel On the Other Side. In the story, 

a couple called Vincent and Evie 

write love notes to each other on 

the wings of a dove. As the dove 

flies by, he’s so covered in love that 

he leaves the people he passes with 

an inexplicable sense of happiness. 

“That’s what I kind of wish for 

myself,” says Carrie. “That’s the goal; 

that’s how I want to live my life. I 

want to spend time with people, and 

then leave, and have those people 

feel better than they did before.” 

While Carrie disappears into the 

changing room to try on the first 

look of the photoshoot – singing 

along to Cliff Edwards’ ‘When You 

Wish Upon a Star’, as it plays over 

the studio speakers – I’m struck by 

the self-sufficiency there is in living 

by your own words. 

But more than that, from her 

passion and creativity, to the 

seriousness with which she takes 

supporting the strangers who turn 

to her in their time of need, Carrie 

Hope Fletcher is a woman who went 

through personal challenges – both 

in and out of the spotlight – and 

came out stronger, wiser, and full 

of hope. 

As for whether Carrie leaves 

people feeling better for having 

spent time with her? I know that 

I speak for the whole team on the 

shoot that day when I say, she’s a 

natural. 

Carrie is starring in ‘Les Misérables: 

The All-Star Staged Concert’ which 

opens at the Gielgud Theatre on 10 

August 2019 for 16 weeks. Find out 

more at lesmis.com/london 

Follow Carrie on Instagram 

@Carriehopefletcher, and search for 

ItsWayPastMyBedTime on YouTube. 

Styling | Krishan Parmar 

Hair & Makeup | Alice Theobald at Joy 

Goodman using Burt’s Bees, L’Anza, 

Dollbaby, Lord & Berry, and Mavala 


Five benefits of 

singing your heart out 

Whether you have vocal pipes to rival Beyoncé, or would describe yourself as ‘musically 

challenged’, singing can do wonders for your wellbeing. Now that’s music to our ears... 

Writing | Victoria Williams 

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell 

As children, we sang 

nursery rhymes, joined 

in with the radio, and 

(much to our families’ 

delight) belted out that 

one song we loved so much it was 

on repeat for a fortnight. Growing 

up, though, many of us stopped. 

I loved singing when I was young, 

but a crash in confidence before 

my teens meant that I suddenly 

didn’t want anyone hearing my 

voice – not even myself. 

Taking the leap and joining a 

choir was scary, but remains one of 

the best decisions I’ve ever made. 

Singing has physical, mental, and 

social benefits, and it’s certainly 

done wonders for my nervous 

mind. Opera aficionado or tuneless 

warbler, here are five ways it can 

improve your wellbeing. 

1 DEEP BREATHS 

Singing requires controlled 

breathing, and is used carefully 

to make sure the sound doesn’t 

die away before the end of a line. 

Regulating the breath like this 

acts much like yoga breathing, 

calming the body and mind, and 

promoting lung and heart health. 

Taking deeper breaths increases 

blood circulation too, improving 

concentration, and boosting your 

immune system. Good singing 

breaths need to be supported by 

good posture to give your lungs 

room to expand, and allow the 

sound to travel freely. Standing tall 

benefits your back, relieves muscle 

tension and, over time, can help 

you to feel more confident. 

2 ALL TOGETHER 

Anyone who sings in a choir will tell 

you that it’s great fun, and they really 

feel part of something special when 

everyone sings together. Studies 

have shown that just 40 minutes of 

singing in a group reduces cortisol, 

the stress hormone, and that 

people taking a group singing class 

bond much faster than people in 

other group activities. A study by 

Gothenburg University, Sweden, 

even found that choir members’ 

heartbeats synchronise when they 

sing together. It’s often this bond, 

and shared love of music, that makes 

choirs appealing, and they can be 

incredibly beneficial for people 

struggling with loneliness or low 

moods. 

3 HAPPY HORMONES 

I’ve mentioned that cortisol drops 

as you sing, but what’s even better 

is that it’s replaced by a cocktail 

of feel-good hormones called 

endorphins. Finally getting a 

tricky bit of music right, putting a 

beautiful harmony together, or just 

belting out a favourite song triggers 

endorphins like oxytocin and 

dopamine, creating a rush similar 

to the feeling after a good laugh, or 

a hug. The deep, controlled breaths 

used increase the flow of blood as 

it transports the hormones around 

the body, helping them to have an 

even greater effect. 

4 CONFIDENCE BOOST 

A combination of endorphins, 

posture, strong bonds, and heartswelling 

music, make group 

singing an ideal confidence 

booster. If, like me, you don’t feel 

comfortable in the spotlight, it’s a 

perfect environment for expressing 

yourself without the pressure of 

having all attention on you. Over 

time, you can build up to singing 

solos, or taking lessons to push the 

boundaries of your comfort zone. 

You might surprise yourself. If 

joining a choir really isn’t for you, 

singing can still do wonders for 

your confidence; simply standing 

tall and becoming comfortable 

with your voice can have powerful 

effects on your everyday life, and 

the way you communicate.

5 ANYONE, ANYWHERE 

Is there anything more freeing 

than singing along to the car radio 

at top volume, knowing no one 

can hear you? You don’t have to 

sing seriously, or well, to feel the 

benefits, so don’t let an inability 

to stay in tune, or a tendency to 

make up lyrics, hold you back. Try 

putting together a set of playlists 

for different situations: an upbeat 

one for down days and mornings 

when you’re struggling to wake 

up, a calming one for bedtime 

and anxious moments, and an 

empowering one to help you 

through any confidence 

wobbles. 

Victoria is a science writer, with a 

background in evolutionary biology. 

Find a choir in your local area 

at bigbigsing.org

BACK TO SCHOOL ANXIETY 

AND HOW TO MANAGE IT 

Author, TedX speaker, and queen of empowerment, 

Grace Victory shares her experience and insight each month 

with Grace 

I 

remember the feeling like 

yesterday. Waking up before 

my alarm, staring across 

my bedroom to see my 

uniform laid over the giant 

pile of clothes on my chair that I 

should’ve tidied weeks before, and 

a brand new backpack that I just 

had to have. 

The energy of anticipation about 

starting a new school year would 

trickle through the morning air. 

All I could think about was if 

anyone would look different, if 

I would look different, and the 

friends I couldn’t wait to see. I’d 

brush my teeth a little harder, dab 

on an extra layer of clear lipgloss, 

and leave for the bus 10 minutes 

earlier – you know, just in case. 

When September arrives, both 

parent and child may experience 

an increase in anxiety, and while 

this can be normal, most of us 

know how difficult it can be to 

manage. It can feel like impending 

danger, confusion, panic, and like 

you’re floating but wishing your 

feet would touch the ground. 

For parents, maybe you’re picking 

up on your child’s energy, and can 

sense they’re a little anxious about 

the year ahead? Maybe you have 

childhood wounds that start to 

open during this time? Whatever 

the reasons, I have compiled a few 

ways to manage this anxiety for 

both of you. 

PREPARE & PRACTISE 

All parents know that the key 

for a somewhat smooth life is to 

prepare. Although this doesn’t 

always guarantee there will be no 

mishaps, it does mean less stress 

if difficult feelings and situations 

arise. A dummy school run is a 

good way to help decrease anxiety, 

as you can both experience what 

it will be like. You can also write 

a checklist of all the things you 

need to remember, and pop it on 

the fridge. Practising a situation 

will help it to feel less scary when 

you experience the real thing. 

This also eliminates the fear of the 

unknown – especially if your child 

is starting school for the first time, 

or is starting somewhere new. 

COMMUNICATE 

It’s really important that the child 

can communicate how they feel. 

Sometimes anxiety will manifest into 

the physical with symptoms such as 

withdrawal, heavy breathing, and 

sweaty palms, but you also might not 

always be able to see anxiety with 

the naked eye. Ask your child how 

they feel, and create an environment 

where they are able to express their 

feelings – even if they can’t identify 

that it is anxiety. Empower and 

encourage them. Remind them that 

feeling nervy before a new school 

year is normal, and tell them they’re 

brave and strong.

HAPPIFUL’S NEW COLUMNIST! 

@GRACEFVICTORY 

LEARN PHYSICAL TECHNIQUES 

Although communication is great, it doesn’t always 

decrease anxiety, and for some, it can heighten it. 

The energetic path of any feeling needs to leave the 

body at some point, so that we can reset to the present 

moment. Grounding techniques are something I 

learned in therapy, and often appear in my counselling 

training. Focusing on sounds around you is a great way 

to bring your heart rate back down, and to distract you 

from difficult feelings. Hear the birds, the washing 

machine, the kettle boiling. This is a reminder that you 

are here, and you are safe. Another simple but effective 

technique is to feel your feet underneath you. This 

helps to stabilise you, and to give a little nudge to your 

brain that you’re OK. 

+ + + + 

Photography (black and white) | Paul Buller 

CREATE AN ANXIETY TOOLBOX 

When it comes to managing my 

mental health, I have a toolbox 

full of things that make me feel 

better. Maybe have a drawer in 

your house, or a box in the car, 

that you can reach into when 

needed. I suggest the following 

for anxiety: 

• Lavender essential oil 

(calming and relaxing), 

or bergamot is a great 

alternative. 

• Affirmation cards can be a 

gentle reminder that you’ve 

got this, you’re amazing, and 

these feelings will pass. 

• Water and snacks, because 

drinking and eating 

regulates your breath, which 

is definitely needed when 

you’re anxious. 

• And lastly, something 

comforting – a teddy, a 

photo, whatever suits the 

individual. 

So there we have it. My first 

ever column complete! 

Sending love and courage to 

those experiencing anxiety of 

any kind, but especially those 

who are going back to school. 

Until next month. 

Love 

Grace x

Trichotillomania: 

Pronounced: 

trik·oh·til·oh·may·nee·uh 

Definition: 

A compulsive desire 

to pull out one’s 

own hair 


In the spotlight: 

Hair-pulling disorder 

Have you ever had an urge to do something and not really 

understood why? I have. Throughout my adolescence, I 

was plagued by trichotillomania 

Writing | Becky Wright 

Trichotillomania, or trich 

for short (because who’s 

got the time for seven 

syllables when you’re an 

impulsive hair-puller?), is an old 

friend of mine. For me, it meant 

years of pulling out hair from my 

scalp, eyebrows, and eyelashes 

but, for others, it can be hair on 

any part of the body. 

At the age of 13, I had near 

enough no eyelashes, no idea why 

I couldn’t stop pulling them out, 

and an ever decreasing sense of 

self-esteem. I hated myself for 

what I was doing but, equally, I 

couldn’t make myself stop. I came 

to rely on makeup as a masking 

tool, hiding the physical signs that 

something was going on inside 

my head. 

I can’t actually place a finger on 

the first time I had that urge, but, 

of all the struggles I’ve faced in 

my life, this is one that I’m still yet 

to understand. 

What is hair-pulling? 

From my own research, I know 

that trich is often triggered by 

anxiety, and is commonly linked 

with obsessive compulsive 

disorder (OCD). However, while 

there are some similarities 

between the two, there are a 

couple of key differences. 

To understand more, I spoke to 

chartered counselling psychologist 

Louise Watson, who explains: 

“The main difference is that OCD 

rituals are driven by the need to 

rid oneself of an intrusive thought, 

whereas the urge to pull a hair out 

in trichotillomania is often not 

preceded by a thought. 

“Pulling hairs can be a response 

to anxiety, and instances of pulling 

can often increase at times of 

stress, but pulling can also just as 

often be a response to other mood 

states. And, it can happen entirely 

unconsciously,” says Louise. 

So, rather than being initiated by 

an intrusive thought, it is a bodyfocused 

repetitive behaviour that 

is done to reduce tension, stress, 

or even out of habit. 

The reality of the condition, in 

a world that prizes hair (in all the 

right places), means that trich 

sufferers feel even more isolated 

and at odds with their feelings. 

Particularly as symptoms typically 

rear their head during adolescent 

years, which can already be a 

tricky time for self-esteem and 

body image. 

How common is trich? 

If you do a Google search (and, 

believe me, I’ve Googled it a lot 

over the years), there isn’t much >>> 


in the way of UKbased 

information. 

Nor will you come 

across many reallife 

experiences. I 

know that it’s not 

one of the more 

common mental 

health problems but, 

according to Anxiety 

UK, it is now thought 

to be more prevalent 

than previously 

acknowledged. 

Although there 

have been no large 

studies to date on 

the prevalence of 

trichotillomania, one 

in the US showed that, 

among a sample of 

students, 1–2% had a 

past or current history 

of trich. So, it would 

seem that perhaps 

it’s more about the 

reluctance of people 

to open up about their 

struggles that is adding 

to the elusiveness of 

the disorder. 

GET SUPPORT 

For more information and advice 

about treating trichotillomania, visit: 

nhs.uk – The NHS site has further 

details on symptoms, causes, and 

support, along with information on 

treatments, and self-help advice. 

counselling-directory.org.uk or 

hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk – 

For information, articles, or to find a 

professional who can support with 

treatment options. 

The reality of the 

condition, in a world 

that prizes hair (in all the 

right places), means that 

trich sufferers feel even 

more isolated and at 

odds with their feelings 

Author: Becky Wright 

I spoke to Natalie Richardson 

about her experience. 

“I struggled with trich 

briefly as a young child, but it 

resurfaced in my 20s and it’s 

something I still struggle with 

today,” she tells me. 

“I’ve no idea what the trigger 

was as a child; I used to twirl my 

hair around my finger and then 

rip it out in chunks. But, when it 

restarted a few years ago, I think it 

was triggered by the breakdown of 

a long-term relationship.” 

So, why does it occur? 

For anyone who’s not experienced 

these feelings, I bet it’s a hard 

one to comprehend. Why not 

just stop? It’s a question I’ve 

asked myself hundreds of times 

before. But, for anyone with the 

impulses, I’m sure they’d tell you 

the same thing. Telling someone 

not to do something they feel an 

overwhelming urge to do is like 

telling someone not to scratch 

when they have an itch. 

The problem is, it’s not entirely 

clear what causes trich. Experts 

have hypothesised it could be a 

way of dealing with emotional 

distress – perhaps even a type of 

self-harm. Louise isn’t convinced 

though: “Sufferers can find the 

pain from pulling the hair out 

rewarding, which is what has 

led to trichotillomania being 

likened to self-harm. However, 

trichotillomania sufferers 

rarely report a desire to punish 

themselves, and the behaviour 

can be triggered at times of 

under-stimulation – rather 

than always being a response to 

intense emotions, as self-harm 

usually is.” 

Others suggest it could be due 

to a chemical imbalance in 

the brain, or due to changing 

hormone levels in puberty. For 

some people, though, it’s thought 

that trich could even be a type of 

addiction; the more they act on 

the impulse, the more they want 

to keep doing it. 


However trichotillomania 

first occurs, the brain begins 

to associate the completion of 

the urge with a sense of relief. 

Louise provides some insight: 

“Many people report of a building 

physical urge to pull, which is 

replaced by a feeling of release, 

or discharge of physical tension, 

when the hair is pulled out.” So, 

whenever the body feels stressed, 

anxious or tense, the brain’s 

automatic response is to compel 

the person to pull out their hair. 

“My hair-pulling is less regular 

than it used to be, but it always 

gets worse if I am stressed or 

anxious,” says Natalie. “I 

would also definitely 

refer to myself as a 

perfectionist and, to 

be honest, even a bit 

of a control freak. I do think that 

those traits contribute to being a 

sufferer.” 

The perfectionist thing is 

something that I whole-heartedly 

relate to. And, interestingly, when 

I asked psychologist Louise about 

this, she concurred. 

“Trichotillomania sufferers often 

appear to have perfectionistic 

traits, which explains why pulling 

is frequently preceded by the 

search for ‘the right hair’. This 

may be a hair that feels different 

from the rest, such as being 

rougher or thicker, and can often 

make it difficult for sufferers to 

resist pulling out new hairs as 

they grow back after an episode,” 

Louise explains. 

How is trich treated? 

A commonly used treatment is 

a type of cognitive behavioural 

therapy (CBT) called habit reversal 

training, but it’s also thought 

that hypnosis could be effective 

Telling someone not to do 

something they feel an 

overwhelming urge to do is like 

telling someone not to scratch 

when they have an itch 

in helping sufferers break the 

habitual thought-patterns. To be 

successful, you have to replace 

the urge with something that’s not 

harmful. 

“In my experience, the most 

significant factor in breaking the 

habit cycle is having an increased 

awareness of times when you are 

likely to pull, so that you can preempt 

them,” says Louise. “Equally 

important is finding a competing 

response (or range of responses) 

that can be used to replace the 

pulling behaviour at those times. 

Carrying out the competing 

response instead of pulling should 

help reduce the urge, although it 

may not eradicate it entirely.” 

What that response is will differ 

from person to person, and 

situation to situation. Ideally, 

though, it should be something 

that keeps your hands occupied 

and away from your hair – 

perhaps even simply holding 

something, Louise tells me. 

“An advantage to having 

something in your hands is that 

you will need to put it down 

before you act upon the urge 

to pull. This not only brings 

the pulling into conscious 

awareness, but it also gives you 

those critical few moments 

where you can decide whether 

going along 

with the urge is 

something you 

really want to do.” 

Am I over these 

urges? For the most 

part, I think so. 

But, sitting here 

writing this now, I 

can feel the same 

sense of dread that 

used to haunt me 

almost on a daily 

basis. Perhaps that is a good 

thing, though. Even after all 

these years, the memory of how 

trichotillomania made me feel 

still hangs heavy on my heart. 

This article has been difficult 

for me to write, but I feel I 

have finally acknowledged the 

torment of my teenage mind 

and addressed the stigma (and, 

indeed, the lack of knowledge) 

around this condition. 

If you’re dealing with trich right 

now, or if you’re a parent worried 

about your child, please know 

that it won’t last forever. I’m now 

free from these urges and, with a 

little time and patience, you could 

be too. 


Happiful Hero 

Photography | Bruno Cervera 

“ 

Life moves pretty fast. If you 

don’t stop and look around once 

in a while, you could miss it 

32 • happiful • December 2018 – FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF

Spread a little kindness 

Kindness is contagious, and 

this month we want to see 

it go viral. Below are some 

easy ways you can give back 


Do some litter-picking 

There are lots of ways we can 

be kinder to the environment. 

Sometimes it’s the small, simple 

steps that make the most impact. 

Picking up rubbish when you 

see it is something we can all 

do. Visit keepbritaintidy.org to 

join a clean-up in your area, 

or get involved in the Great 

British Beach Clean taking place 

20–23 September (visit mcsuk.org/ 

beachwatch/greatbritishbeachclean 

for more info). 

Leave positive feedback 

When things go wrong, we can be 

quick to make a complaint, but 

when was the last time you told 

someone what a great job they 

did? A great way to incorporate 

this into your routine is to start 

your day with a compliment. 

When you first look at your 

phone, send a text to a friend you 

haven’t seen in forever, or write a 

quick complimentary email to a 

colleague, before diving head-first 

into your inbox. 

Reminisce with the elderly 

Talking about past memories 

and reminiscing with the older 

community has been found to be 

beneficial, especially if the person 

you’re chatting to has dementia 

or Alzheimer’s. Try bringing up 

music or films they loved when 

they were younger, and ask them 

about their lives. (Visit ageuk.org. 

uk for more advice on caring for 

the elderly.) 

Pass on a book that 

impacted you 

Have you read a book recently that 

made you laugh out loud, cry, or 

gasp in disbelief? Rather than stash 

the book in a drawer, never to see 

the light of day again, why not pass 

it on to someone else? Offer it to 

friends, family, or colleagues, or 

use a book swap service online. We 

love bookcrossing.com, where you 

release a book ‘into the wild’ for a 

stranger (or another BookCrossing 

member) to find and track where it 

ends up via journal entries around 

the world. 

Leave a note of 

encouragement for someone 

Arm yourself with some Postit 

notes, a pen, and some 

encouraging words to spread a 

little kindness wherever you are. 

Waiting rooms can often be a place 

of vulnerability for people, so 

why not pop some notes into the 

pile of magazines? Reading your 

words may help someone feel a 

little calmer about their upcoming 

appointment.

Ask the experts 

SELF-DOUBT 

Q 

I was bullied throughout my 

childhood. I’ve moved on, 

but whenever I’m stressed or 

under pressure at work, I fall back into 

those feelings of doubt, self-hate, and 

worthlessness. How can I get past this? 

A 

The role of our mind is to keep us safe. 

When those feelings of doubt, self-hate and 

worthlessness come up, understand that our mind is 

simply trying to keep us safe. Your freedom will come 

when you acknowledge what your mind is trying to 

do, but explain to it that you are safe, and are not 

under threat. Your goal is to counteract the negative 

self-talk with words of resilience, strength, and of 

how much you’ve grown since this experience. 

Ben Bidwell, life coach, personal trainer, speaker, NLP practitioner, 

and co-host of ‘The Naked Professors’ podcast, answers your 

questions on self-esteem 

Discover more about 

Ben and coaching at 

lifecoach-directory.org.uk 

CONFIDENCE 

Q 

I’m worried about 

a friend. More and 

more often she 

is avoiding coming out 

with us or not joining in 

conversations. I know she 

thinks she’s not interesting, 

but I’m worried she is going 

to push everyone away. 

What can I do to help? 

AFind a way to get time with her, 

give her space to talk to you, and 

ask open questions that invite her to 

explain more about how she is feeling. 

Be compassionate and empathetic 

with her, let her know you understand, 

that you are there for her, and that you 

are not judging her. 

“Build her trust and 

help to rebuild her 

confidence” 

Be patient, kind, and curious; you are 

interested and she is interesting. From 

there, see if you can get to the bottom 

of her challenges, and reassure her 

that you understand. Build her trust 

and help to rebuild her confidence. 

Look to do small things with her where 

she feels comfortable, and slowly build 

on that. 

34 • happiful • September 2019

Life coaching advice 

RELATIONSHIPS 

BEN’S TIPS FOR IMPROVING SELF-ESTEEM 

“The more you love 

yourself, the more you will 

allow yourself to be loved 

by others” 

Q 

I came out of a longterm 

relationship 

recently and I’m 

struggling with dating. I 

love the closeness of being 

in a relationship, but don’t 

feel good enough for a new 

love interest yet. How can I 

move on? 

ASometimes we do need time. 

Don’t force yourself to feel 

differently if you don’t feel ready. While 

you sit in this space, use the time to 

fall in love with yourself. The more you 

love yourself, the more you will allow 

yourself to be loved by others and 

have a healthy, fulfilling relationship. 

Learning to love yourself starts with 

getting to know your deepest values, 

then aligning your behaviour with 

those values. A healthy relationship 

starts with the one you have with 

yourself – get that right and the rest, 

including healthy relationships, will 

follow. 

Connect with your deepest values, then live by them. 

Don’t sacrifice what you want most, for what you want now. 

Do what makes you proud, fall in love with yourself. 

Get out of your comfort zone. When you do you’ll become 

proud of your achievements, and realise how uncomfortable 

it was to stay the same. Be brave, explore what excites you, 

and don’t be scared to fail. 

Live to please your own soul, not your ego or other people. 

Find coaching support at Life Coach Directory | Part of the Happiful Family

Bipolar doesn’t 

control me, and I’m 

more than a diagnosis

From manic highs 

to depressive lows, 

without a diagnosis 

I felt hopeless 

For more than a decade, Katie 

fought a lonely battle with her 

mental health and had no 

answers. But now, after finally 

being diagnosed as bipolar, she 

faces the future with confidence 

Writing | Katie Conibear 

At 26, it seemed I had 

my life sorted. I had 

a successful career, 

an active social life, 

and a steady, loving 

relationship. However in my head, in my 

own reality, my life was crumbling. 

I had been trapped in a cycle of 

extreme mood swings since I was a 

teenager, and all I wanted was for it to 

stop. In the months before, I had been 

manic and out of control. I hadn’t slept 

and spent money I didn’t have. I caused 

two car accidents and acted on impulse, 

while being extremely intense and 

talkative, or angry and irrational. Now, 

vicious voices in my head shouted and 

screamed at me to end it all. I couldn’t 

see a way forward, and I felt eerily calm 

about the idea of taking my own life. >>>

Katie married her partner 

Jimi in 2015 

My life had changed at 

14. Although I was living 

in a stable, caring family 

home, I became severely 

depressed. It had been 

building for months, and I 

became more withdrawn; 

I didn’t understand why I 

felt numb and worthless, 

or why I no longer cared 

if I was alive. I ended up 

not going to school for six 

months. But then I saw 

a psychologist and felt I 

could speak openly about 

my feelings. I wanted to 

get better, which was vital 

to the process. 

Yet something strange 

happened when I 

returned to school. I 

became increasingly 

confident, loud and brash 

– everyone noticed, but 

I felt like nothing was 

wrong. I felt the best I 

ever had. 

I decided to go to 

university, and that’s 

where my behaviour and 

moods started to unravel. 

I would sleep less than 

three hours a night, hardly 

ate, and started to hear 

voices. I would go out 

partying, straight to my 

job at 5am, then lectures, 

and start all over again 

that night. I never felt 

tired, just full of life. 

Without warning my 

mood crashed. I hid in 

my room, scared to bump 

into anyone and have to 

explain why my behaviour 

had changed so drastically. 

I dropped out of 

university in the first year, 

desperately depressed. 

My life became a cycle 

of churning moods – 

from ecstatically high 

to incredibly low, and 

seemed to be controlled by 

them. I studied childcare 

at college, but became 

angry and combative 

towards my lecturers. I 

ended up walking out in 

a fit of rage, two months 

before graduating. Luckily, 

I found an apprenticeship 

in childcare. 

This was when I 

first started taking 

antidepressants. But 

instead of stabilising 

me, they made me 

feel superhuman and I 

would stop taking them, 

convinced everything was 

all right. 

I had two serious 

relationships, which 

both ended because they 

couldn’t deal with how 

much I would change, 

month by month. They 

never knew which Katie 

they were going to get. 

I started to believe that I 

was a broken person, who 

was intrinsically flawed 

and would never find 

happiness. Then I started 

seeing Jimi when I was 23. 

We instantly clicked. He 

had a calming influence 

and wouldn’t overreact 

at my sometimes bizarre 

behaviour. We moved in 

together and I started 

as a family worker for 

a group of children’s 

centres – a job I was 

passionate about, making 

a difference. 

From the outside I 

seemed to have a perfect 

life, but inside I was 

struggling. Doctors 

didn’t understand why 

my physical health was 

suffering, or why I kept 

coming back depressed 

and exhausted. 

The voices in my head 

grew louder and more 

intrusive. When I was 

depressed, I would lie in 

bed begging them to go 

away. Sometimes they 

would urge me to be more 

impulsive, more reckless. 

These voices filled me 

with confidence and a 

surge of adrenaline. They 

became a major part of 

my life and I missed them 

when they were gone. 


I started to believe that I was 

a broken person, who was 

intrinsically flawed and would 

never find happiness 

Katie blogs at stumblingmind.com, and has a podcast, 

‘A Life Lived Vividly’, with a focus on hearing voices 

This experience of 

psychosis, along with a 

long, intense period of 

hyperactive behaviour, 

led me to the lowest I had 

ever felt. I had to leave the 

job I loved, and became 

suicidal. It was like my life 

had come full circle, and 

I felt like that frightened 

14-year-old again. I was 

exhausted from spending 

a decade in a battle with 

my mind. I felt there were 

no answers, and no hope. 

Finally, in December 

2012, I was given an 

answer: I was diagnosed 

with bipolar disorder. 

Although the diagnosis 

didn’t solve everything, 

it showed me I wasn’t 

flawed; I was ill. 

Eventually I found a 

mix of medications that 

worked for me, and I 

began to experience times 

when I felt stable. I started 

going to a Bipolar UK 

support group, where I 

no longer felt alone. The 

group discussions helped 

me spot the warning signs 

and identify that alcohol, 

a lack of sleep, and stress 

triggered my episodes. 

Jimi and I got married in 

2015. He is compassionate, 

caring, and the most 

supportive person in my 

life. I feel truly lucky to 

have found someone who 

has taken my illness in his 

stride and been able to see 

beyond it – to see me as a 

person. With his support, 

I’ve been able to accept 

my diagnosis. 

I started writing a blog, 

Stumbling Mind, and I’ve 

found it really therapeutic. 

This lead to me writing 

for charities and websites. 

I’m not afraid to be open 

with others, and have 

had so much support 

from friends, family, and 

complete strangers. 

Although I can’t work 

full-time, writing has 

given me a renewed sense 

of purpose. I’ve learnt 

that although I’ve had to 

make adjustments to my 

life, I can still live well. 

Bipolar doesn’t control 

me, and I’m more than a 

diagnosis. 

Bipolar is a life-long 

condition, but it can be 

managed with the correct 

treatment. I still suffer 

from difficult episodes of 

mania and depression, but 

I’m continually learning 

to educate myself and 

manage my condition. I 

no longer feel frightened 

and alone, but instead I 

feel in control and positive 

about the future. 

OUR EXPERT SAYS 

Katie experienced mood 

swings and critical 

voices from her teenage 

years, which impacted 

her education and 

relationships. Things 

improved on meeting her 

partner, who helped her 

to cope. After getting her 

bipolar diagnosis, she 

finally found her selfbelief, 

started receiving 

treatment, and met 

support groups. Mental 

illness can overwhelm us, 

and seem like we’re the 

only one feeling this way. 

But recognising symptoms, 

and getting 

support can 

really change 

our lives. 

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP 

Reg Ind counsellor 


Tackling phone phobia 

As more of our day-to-day communications move online, are we losing the knack of talking 

on the telephone? For some, the less they do it, the scarier it becomes. So, if you fear using 

the phone, here are some tips to get you chatting again 

Writing | Audrey Tang 

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell 

In a world dominated by 

texting, messaging, and 

emails, we may be less and 

less likely to use our phones 

to actually talk to people. In 

fact, as we reduce our talking 

time, we can begin to lose the 

knack – and even our confidence 

to converse. 

The advent of the internet, with 

its forums, chat rooms, and social 

media, means that it’s possible 

to connect with people without 

ever leaving home. This is great 

for those who struggle with social 

anxiety, as they don’t need to go 

out to chat or shop. 

Research from charity Anxiety 

UK reveals that one in six adults 

has experienced some form of 

‘neurotic health problem’, and 

more than one in 10 are likely to 

have a ‘disabling anxiety disorder’ 

at some stage, with 13% likely to 

develop a phobia. 

Phone anxiety is part of this 

broader social anxiety, and 

is characterised by similar 

physiological responses – often 

triggered by having to speak on 

the telephone, or the thought of 

doing so. 

Symptoms of phone anxiety 

Anxiety often comes with a range 

of debilitating physiological 

symptoms, including a racing heart, 

tingling in the hands, feeling faint, 

a sense of terror, sweating or chills, 

chest pains, difficulty breathing, 

and a feeling of a ‘loss of control’. 

Unfortunately, as scary as it may 

sometimes seem, talking on the 

telephone can be an essential part 

of work, or the most efficient way 

to get things done. 

What might cause phone 

anxiety? 

The original source of the fear may 

be something unconscious – a past 

experience which you don’t think 

about, but a sense of fear remains. 

Or perhaps a conversation in the 

past ended badly, with a huge life 

upheaval? Perhaps you were on 

your mobile when you witnessed 

a terrible incident? Perhaps you 

couldn’t access a phone when you 

needed to in a moment of fear? 

It may also be part of a general 

concern of looking or sounding 

‘silly’, or simply ‘messing up’. Then, 

the fewer times we use the phone, 

the harder it becomes. 

What can I do? 

If speaking on the phone is integral 

to your lifestyle, then you can take 

steps to reduce anxiety and help 

manage the fear. And there are also 

practical techniques you can use to 

get through the call itself. As soon 

as you feel anxiety growing… 

1. Focus on your breathing. 

It can help to concentrate on 

breathing slowly in and out, while 

counting to five. 

2. Stamp on the spot or move 

about. It can be helpful to channel 

your nervous sensations into 

something physical. 

3. Focus on your senses. Try 

mint sweets or gum, or touch 

something soft. Have an emotional 

first aid pack – I personally love 

fluffy things, and have a pompom 

as my alternative stress ball. 

4. Think about self-care. Pay 

attention to what your body needs; 

you may find that resting, or going 

to the toilet, or eating or drinking 

something light, can alleviate the 

sense of fear.

5. Tell someone you trust. If you 

feel able to talk to others about 

your phone phobia, they may be 

able to help. 

6. Tell yourself ‘these feelings 

will pass’. Using positive coping 

statements or affirmations can 

focus your mind and help you feel 

more in control. 

Try these practical support 

techniques… 

Have an agenda. Write down 

what you need to say – even write 

a script if you want. But be aware 

that using a script can cause more 

anxiety if you feel you are not 

following it, so bullet points are 

probably a more useful tool. 

Find a time when you are not 

rushed, or are in a private place. 

This can help, because if you feel 

the dreaded call has gone wrong, 

the number of people who may 

have noticed is limited. It may 

reassure you to know that other 

people are not looking at you. 

Practise. Speaking is a 

‘performance skill’, so you 

need to practise it to feel more 

comfortable. 

Speaking is 

a ‘performance 

skill’, so you need 

to practise it to feel 

more comfortable 

Once you’ve made that call, be 

proud of your achievement. What 

may seem ‘silly’, because others do 

it easily, is still a big step for you. 

Measure your success by your own 

benchmarks – and consider how 

best to tackle the next call. 

Dr Audrey Tang is a chartered 

psychologist, mindfulness expert, 

TV psychologist, and author of ‘The 

Leader’s Guide to Mindfulness’ 

(FT Publishing, £14.99)

Homemade 

happiness 

Her adorably unique creations and endearing personality made Kim-Joy a 

firm fan-favourite on The Great British Bake Off in 2018, but beyond the 

bakes she’s had social anxiety to contend with... 


When Kim-Joy first 

took to our screens 

on The Great 

British Bake Off 

in 2018, she 

blew the judges away with her 

delightfully cute creations. But 

before she was a Bake Off finalist, 

Kim-Joy was working on the 

front line of mental health care 

as a psychological wellbeing 

practitioner – offering guided 

self-help to people with mild to 

moderate anxiety and depression. 

Now dedicated to her bakes – and 

with her first book, Baking with 

Kim-Joy, out soon – she’s a long 

way from her role in mental health 

care… Or is she? 

We caught up with Kim-Joy to 

chat about life before Bake Off, 

the benefits of baking, and what 

helping others can teach us about 

ourselves. 

Hi Kim-Joy! Let’s go back to 

the start. What’s your earliest 

baking memory? 

I have two, but one is bad! 

I remember I used to go to 

Chinatown a lot as a kid, because I 

grew up in north-west London. We 

used to go to the bakery and get 

pandan cake, which was really soft 

and light – the kind of cake you 

really like as a kid. I got home and 

because my mum is Malaysian – 

and pandan is Malaysian – she had 

a little book with a recipe in there 

for it. So I made one myself. 

It wasn’t as soft and fluffy as the 

Chinatown one, but it was still 

really good! 

Now I’m curious about the 

bad baking experience... 

It’s not really too bad! My dad 

wanted mince pies for Christmas 

every year. I think I enjoyed 

making them the first time, but 

after a few years it’s like, ugh. And 

also I don’t like the taste… Well, I 

do now but only when there’s not 

loads of filling. 

Before Bake Off you were 

working as a psychological 

wellbeing practitioner. What 

drew you to that career? 

I’ve always been drawn to people, 

and wanted to understand how 

they work. I grew up really, really 

socially anxious – but part of that 

makes you want to learn about 

people. So I think that must have 

started it. And also my family have 

a lot of mental health problems, so 

I grew up with that – but there was 

never a moment where I connected 

it all and thought: ‘Oh, my family 

has mental health problems and I 

have these thoughts, so I want to go 

into this.’ >>> 


I grew up really, really 

socially anxious, but part 

of that makes you want 

to learn about people

*UK mainland only. Entries close 30 September. 

Did you enjoy the work? 

I did, though there was part of me 

that didn’t. But it wasn’t the side 

that was helping people. I think 

it’s because your caseload is so 

big, and you can only have half an 

hour with people. 

Also, because a lot of people don’t 

turn up for their appointments, 

the way the service deals with that 

is that you will be fully booked, 

back-to-back, but the expectation 

is that people won’t turn up – so 

you can do your notes. But then 

you get a couple of days in a row 

where everyone turns up. And 

you’re like: ‘Ah! That’s cool, but I 

can’t do my notes!’ I think it gets 

you into a negative mentality, 

because you’re hoping that 

someone doesn’t turn up. 

You mentioned that you 

had your own problems 

with anxiety when you 

were younger. Did you feel 

supported? 

I didn’t, because my older brother 

had very severe mental issues, so 

I felt like my issues weren’t really 

significant in comparison. I was 

also quite good academically, so 

the school didn’t really bother. 

I started not going to school for 

quite a while. The headteacher 

spoke to me about it, and I just 

said: ‘I’m going to the library to 

study.’ And she was like: ‘Oh that’s 

fine then!’ I had been going to the 

library, but not studying. I was just 

taking a breather – all the time! 

The main thing I did was go to 

university and decided I was going 

to reinvent myself. But I didn’t 

really know how to interact with 

people very well, so I was trying to 

bond with people by asking them 

where the buses went! 

COMPETITION! 

Win a signed copy of Baking With Kim-Joy* 

To enter, email competitions@happiful.com 

telling us which cake was voted the UK's 

favourite in 2018: 

A. Red velvet 

B. Carrot cake 

C. Lemon drizzle 

That’s a good line! 

It is! I think I’m still a bit socially 

anxious now, but only with 

specific things. I think by helping 

other people, you also help 

yourself. Part of working with 

other people is dealing with my 

social anxiety fears, so I just got 

used to it. 

And then you went on 

Bake Off – what a huge 

achievement. 

Yeah! I think the reason I applied 

for it was partly I wanted to prove 

to myself that I could do it. 

Do you have any favourite 

behind the scenes moments? 

I remember one of the weeks I 

was crying... [Laughs]. We had a 

lady who caught up with us after 

every episode to check we were 

OK, and looked after us. I said to 

her that I thought crying made 

me weak, and she taught me that 

crying is a strength because you’ve 

put yourself in a situation that 

makes you vulnerable. Then I was 

like: ‘Right I’m going to cry about 

everything!’ 


I think by helping 

other people, you 

also help yourself 

Do you find that baking helps 

your mental health? 

Definitely. I think that’s probably 

what drew me to it. Probably 

not as a child, but as I grew up, 

because it’s something that you 

have to focus on. I started with 

getting things right, like with 

croissants you have to focus on 

folding it the right number of 

times, and weighing the butter 

and flour. I think it really links to 

mindfulness because you have 

to be in the moment, and fully 

focused on that thing. But as well 

as being mindful, at the end you 

get a cake. 

Photography | Ellis Parrinder 

You’re known for bakes 

that look impossible to eat 

because they’re just so cute. 

But when did that come in? 

Were you Kim-Joy-ifying your 

mince pies? 

No, no, back then it was just a 

straight-forward mince pie! I think 

people assume this is what you 

have been doing for a long time, 

but actually I was more interested 

in baking bread, and getting things 

right. I always thought I couldn’t 

decorate things until a year before 

Bake Off when I started doing 

cakes. And then I just fell into this 

niche, which I really enjoy! 

You have a new book, Baking 

with Kim-Joy, out in August. 

Do you have a favourite bake 

from your recipes? 

I love them all, but I think 

one of my favourites is the pig 

profiteroles. They’re covered 

in chocolate, and look like pigs 

bathing in mud. I quite like those 

because I think they’re quite 

simple, even though 

it’s choux pastry. 

What’s next for you? 

There’s something else in the 

pipeline but I can’t really say… I’d 

love to do more TV and stuff like 

that. So we’ll see what happens! 

‘Baking with Kim-Joy’ 

(Quadrille, £18) is out 

from 22 August 


Life unfiltered 

Book 

Review 

Funny, fresh, and surprisingly frank, get ready to 

have your illusion of #MyBestLife shattered 


I’m not really an 

Instagram kind of 

person, but even 

I’ve been sucked 

in by certain hashtags 

showing off the 

perfect #OOTD (outfit 

of the day), sharing 

#motivational words of 

wisdom, and creating 

the kind of #jetset 

#lifestyle it’s hard not 

to envy. It can be easy 

to forget that a single, 

flawless shot doesn’t 

show us the full picture. 

In Living My Best Life, 

debut author Claire 

Frost gives us a quick 

glimpse behind the 

glittering veneer into 

the myriad of everyday 

struggles (big and small) 

that we experience – 

influencers and all. 

What’s it about? 

Bell never thought 

she’d be approaching 40 

single, and struggling 

to move on after her 

partner of 10 years 

dumped her. 

Sick of feeling like her 

life doesn’t live up to 

everyone else’s, she 

decides it’s time for a 

change, to find out who 

she really is, and who 

she thinks she should be. 

In parallel, it looks 

like Millie has the 

perfect life. A successful 

influencer on the 

surface, behind the 

scenes she’s a single 

mum struggling to make 

ends meet, dealing with 

trolls, and an ex who 

cares more about his 

career than their son. 

Her life feels more like 

#BestLie than #BestLife. 

A heart-warming and 

humorous novel for the 

Insta-weary, Living My 

Best Life gives readers 

a glimpse behind the 

curtain of perfection. 

Friendship, community, 

and finding your own 

happiness 

Nearly all of us have 

experienced the 

heartbreak and upset 

of a relationship that 

has come to an end. For 

anyone who has had a 

relationship fizzle out, 

or felt they haven’t had 

the catharsis of knowing 

where things went 

wrong, Bell’s journey 

will ring true. 

Claire shows a side 

of modern dating 

and break-ups not 

often seen in fiction: 

hours lost to scrolling 

through your ex’s 

social media feed 

looking for answers, 

dreading an update that 

shows they’ve moved 

on already, and an 

underlying knowledge 

that we really shouldn’t 

be using our time and 

energy on could-haves 

and what-ifs. Bell’s 

bordering-on-virtualstalking 

is as equal 

parts refreshing as it is 

unsettling to read. 

Touching on how the 

modern dating scene 

has changed for women 

in their 30s, Living My 

Best Life feels like an 

empowering book of 

self-discovery. Bell 

and Millie are fairly 

different, yet each of 

them struggles to an 

extent with isolation, 

finding a support 

network, and making 

more friends. While 

Bell has a best friend 

and some family, it isn’t 

until post-breakup that 

she is able to see how 

dissatisfied and out of 

touch she has fallen. 

Despite her perfect 

facade online, Millie is 

still a struggling single 

mum with no family or 

real support network 

nearby to lend a helping 

hand. 

As we follow Bell and 

Millie on their journeys, 

we soon see the 

importance of making 

new friends throughout 

our lives, as well as 

the impact helping 

others – and focusing 

on defining our own 

happiness – can have.

It can be hard 

to remember: 

a single, 

flawless 

shot doesn’t 

show the full 

picture 

#LivingMyBestLi(f)e 

An influencer more by 

chance than choice, 

Millie’s dreams of 

having her own fashion 

line are far from reality. 

While her Instagram 

feed portrays a perfect 

life – filled with new 

outfits, a spotless home, 

and perfect shots of her 

little boy – in reality, 

Millie struggles to make 

ends meet. 

Claire shows us firsthand 

the impact online 

trolling can have on 

someone’s confidence, 

sharing with us Millie’s 

building anxiety and 

dread around the 

comments section 

whenever she posts an 

update. This snapshot 

is a gentle reminder 

that there is another 

person at the other end 

of our screens, who can 

be more hurt by harsh 

words than we may 

realise. 

While Millie’s struggles 

to balance authenticity 

while crafting 

an inspirational, 

aspirational feed are 

interesting to read, 

it’s the glimpses into 

her experiences with 

postnatal depression 

(PND) that really make 

readers stop and think. 

Embarrassment and 

guilt still plague Millie 

at times. Despite all 

that she does for her 

son, she still can’t help 

but fear she isn’t doing 

enough. 

Both reassuring and 

heartbreaking, it’s 

great to see big issues 

being woven naturally 

into the overall 

narrative, rather than 

being the sole focal 

point of the novel. 

Millie’s experiences 

with PND are clearly 

a part of her, but they 

don’t define her. 

Should I read it? 

Living My Best Life is 

a fun, light-hearted 

read. Filled with new 

friendships, relatable 

struggles, and just 

a touch of glam, it’s 

refreshing to see a 

novel featuring women 

of an older age than is 

typical for the genre. 

If you’re looking for 

a book that weaves in 

relatable issues without 

losing its charm and 

style, Living My Best Life 

could be the right book 

for you. 

If you liked this, you’ll love... 

Must 

Reads 

Living My Best Life 

By Claire Frost 

(Simon & Schuster 

UK, out 5 September, 

£7.99) 

Why Mummy 

Drinks by Gill 

Sims 

Milk and Honey 

by Rupi Kaur 

Eat, Pray, Love 

by Elizabeth 

Gilbert 

GREAT FOR... 

• Fans of light-hearted 

fiction 

Approaching 39, Mummy 

isn’t content with the future 

she is facing. Clutching her 

glass of wine, she mutters 

FML over and over, until 

she remembers the gem of 

an idea she’s had… 

A collection of poetry 

and prose about survival, 

the experience of love, 

loss, violence, abuse, and 

femininity. Journey through 

the most bitter and sweet 

moments in life. 

Elizabeth has a house, a 

husband, and they’re trying 

for a baby – and she doesn’t 

want any of it. Emerging 

from a bitter divorce, it’s 

time to search for the things 

she has been missing... 

• Readers looking for 

feel-good vibes 

• Insta enthusiasts 

looking for a healthy 

dose of reality

How to help a colleague 

having a panic attack 

Rapid breathing, a racing heart, or upset stomach – alongside the intense fear, panic attacks 

can come with some scary physical side-effects. With so much of our lives spent at work, and 

it often being a stressful environment, knowing some practical steps you can take to support 

a co-worker with panic disorder could make a world of difference 


Panic attacks are, by their 

very nature, a scary 

experience. And even 

when you’re not the 

one having the attack, 

knowing how to help can be 

tough. The situation can become 

even trickier to navigate when it 

happens in the workplace. 

Do you call an ambulance? Do 

you suggest meditation? What’s 

appropriate? 

The first thing to note is that 

everyone is unique. Panic attacks 

can look different for each person. 

As they share many of the same 

symptoms as a heart attack, it can 

be hard to know which they’re 

experiencing. If you’re in any 

doubt, please call 999 and get 

medical assistance. 

If you’re sure it’s a panic attack, 

remember that everyone will have 

their own ways in which they 

prefer to be supported. This is why 

communication before an attack, 

where possible, is key. 

BEFORE AN ATTACK 

If you know a colleague is prone to 

panic attacks, have a conversation 

with them about it. Ask them if 

there are any signs you can look 

out for that may suggest they are 

feeling panicky (for example, they 

may get up for walks more often). 

You can also ask what helps 

them when they’re experiencing 

an attack. Some people want to 

be alone when they have a panic 

attack, while others appreciate 

company and support. Ask them if 

there’s anything you can say or do 

to help. If they say no, check to see 

if there’s anyone they would like 

you to call for help. 

DURING AN ATTACK 

Your first instinct may be to tell 

them to ‘calm down’ or ‘relax’, but 

this can be unhelpful – after all, 

if they could simply relax, they 

would. Instead, it’s important to 

recognise that what’s happening is 

a scary experience for them, but 

reassure them that you are there if 

they need you. 

Ask if there’s anything you can 

do to help, or if they want to go 

outside for some fresh air. You can 

suggest a breathing exercise if you 

know this is something they’re 

open to. If you’re at work, it can be 

helpful to let others know what’s 

happening, such as HR or their 

manager (if they give you consent 

to do so). You could also offer to 

take their calls while they’re away 

from their desk. 

Some people find it helpful to 

be distracted. This may mean 

talking to them about something 

completely unrelated to work, or 

encouraging them 

to play a game 

on their phone. 

Again, this isn’t 

suitable for 

everyone, so 

establishing 

what they find 

useful is 

really key.

i 

SIGNS OF A PANIC ATTACK 

• Feelings of impending doom 

• Pounding heart 

• Sweating 

• Dizziness 

• Difficulty breathing 

• Chest pain 

• Choking sensation/ 

tight throat 

AFTER AN ATTACK 

Panic attacks typically last between 

five and 20 minutes, but can last 

more than an hour. Try not to 

assume you know when their panic 

attack is over; wait for them to tell 

you. Once you know it’s finished, 

validate their experience, and offer 

some space for them to talk about 

how they’re feeling. For example: 

“That must have been scary for 

you, do you feel like talking or do 

you want to rest?” 

Taking the time to talk can help 

both of you to feel calmer. You can 

also check in to see if what you did 

was helpful for them, or if they 

would prefer you do something 

different in the future. Finally, be 

sure to check on them throughout 

the day. If they’re finding it hard to 

work, maybe suggest they take the 

rest of the day off. 

Sometimes anxiety and panic 

attacks are a symptom of 

workplace stress. If this is the case, 

encourage your colleague to speak 

to their manager and/or HR for 

support, and ask if there’s anything 

you can do to make things less 

stressful. 

Finally, it’s important to 

remember to look after yourself 

after helping someone with a panic 

attack. Making time for self-care 

will help you feel better mentally 

and physically, so you can continue 

to support others. 

Once you know it’s 

over, validate their 

experience and 

offer some space for 

them to talk about 

how they’re feeling 

If you and your colleagues want 

to be better prepared for situations 

like panic attacks, consider getting 

trained in mental health first aid. 

Happiful and Simpila Healthy 

Solutions provide courses across 

the UK to teach you how to listen, 

reassure and respond, even in a 

crisis. Learn more and find a course 

near you at happiful.com/mentalhealth-first-aid-training 



£57 

£40 

ENTER CODE: 

SEPTHAPPI 

AT THE CHECKOUT 

Reader offer 

Get two months free on an annual subscription 

using code SEPTHAPPI at shop.happiful.com 

Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing, using code SEPTHAPPI, which expires on 17 October 2019. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com 

50 • happiful • December 2018

Images | Downton Abbey: Carnival Film & Television, Journey to Wellness: Instagram @journey_to_wellness_ 

1 

Happiful 

TOP 

10 

PAGE-TURNERS 

Neal’s Yard 

Remedies Complete 

Massage 

Whether you’re a 

massage beginner 

looking to pick up some 

tips, or simply want 

to discover the wellness benefits, this beautiful 

guide will set you on your way. Covering the 

main massage disciplines, as well as treatment 

ideas and recommendations, learn your 

Swedish from your shiatsu in this journey into 

the power of touch. 

(Out 5 September, DK, £18.99) 

2GET GOING 

Lone Wolf, Devon 

Arriving in the UK for the first time, 

Lone Wolf is an endurance challenge where 

runners have one hour to complete a 6.5K 

course. Everyone who makes it back within 

the hour then has a chance to run it again 

at the start of the next hour, and so on until 

there is just one runner left. Be in with a 

chance of winning the Lone Wolf Trophy, or 

take in the stunning natural surroundings and 

cheer on the competitors. 

(1 September, find out more and book your space 

at dynamicadventurescic.co.uk/lone-wolf) 

3 

TREAT YOURSELF 

Eyewear that gives back 

Pala make sunglasses with 

a difference. Profits from their sales go 

towards grants that support eyecare projects 

across Africa. From building vision centres, 

to creating long-term solutions to facilitate 

eyecare, Pala’s stunning range of sunnies 

look good and do good. 

(Browse the collection at 

palaeyewear.com) 

WIN A PAIR OF PALA SUNGLASSES 

In ancient China, sunglasses were 

made from which material? 

A) Thin seaweed, B) Smokey quartz, 

C) Stained glass 

To enter, email your answer to 

competitions@happiful.com. UK mainland 

only, entries close 15 September. 

7 

SEPTEMBER 

This month, feel connected with the world around you at the art show 

asking the big questions, a podcast that celebrates our failures, and the 

app that introduces us to our neighbours in a bid to cut food waste 

THE CONVERSATION 

4 

World Suicide Prevention Day 

On this day, organisations around 

the world come together to raise 

awareness of the ways that we can work to 

prevent suicide. With previous years seeing 

more than 300 events taking place across 70 

countries, it’s time to make some noise, and 

reach out to others. 

(10 September, join the conversation online by 

using the hashtag #WSPD2019) 

TECH TIP-OFFS 

OLIO 

5 Connect with neighbours and local 

businesses to make sure that surplus food 

is shared and not thrown away. Whether it’s 

food nearing its sell-by-date, or spare homegrown 

vegetables, simply add a photo to the 

app, along with a description and where the 

item is available to pick-up, and be part of 

the move to cut food waste. 

(Download from the App Store and Google 

Play, find out more at olioex.com) 

SQUARE EYES 

Downton Abbey 

Calling all Downtonians, the moment 

you’ve been waiting for has arrived as 

the much-loved story hits the big screen 

for the first time in Downton Abbey, the 

movie. Picking up a year on from the TV 

series’ finale, immerse yourself in the 

drama as the Crawley family receive a 

very royal visit. 

(In cinemas 13 September) 

OUT AND ABOUT 

The Handmade Festival 

6 

8 

LEND US 

YOUR EARS 

‘How to Fail’ podcast with Elizabeth Day 

With guests including Nigel Slater, Jamie 

Laing, and Phoebe Waller-Bridge, each week 

Elizabeth Day speaks to people about their 

failures, and the lessons that they learned 

from going through them. (Find out more at 

elizabethdayonline.co.uk, and listen to the podcast 

on iTunes and Spotify) 

9PUT ON A SHOW 

Arts by the Sea 

Travel to the south coast for an 

intriguing celebration of the arts, 

at venues across Bournemouth. This year 

the theme for the festival is ‘Mind Matter’, 

which will see artists exploring the biggest 

mental health questions that we’re all 

facing today. 

(27–29 September. For more information on the 

festival, head to artsbythesea.co.uk) 

PLUGGED-IN 

Journey to Wellness 

For regular self-care 

reminders and daily pickme-ups, 

Journey 

to Wellness offers 

sweet and simple 

illustrations 

exploring everything 

from anxiety and 

depression, to 

practising selfcompassion. 

(Follow @journey_to_ 

wellness_ 

on Instagram) 

Head to Hampton Court and get hands-on at the festival that offers three days of creativity, with a 

packed schedule of more than 150 workshops and 300 exhibitors. From watercolour to chalk paint, 

and crochet to cake decorating, there’s something for everyone. 

(13–15 September, tickets start at £16, find out more at thehandmadefestival.com) 

10

I was trans before social 

media took hold. I was 

schizophrenic before 

people talked openly

Finding safe 

spaces online 

Contending with mental 

health and neurodiversity, 

Ashley and wife Morgana 

faced even more difficulties 

than most when it came to 

embracing – and showing the 

world – who they truly are 

Writing | Ashley Ford-McAllister 

I 

married Morgana on Halloween 

in 2015. We didn’t have a lot of 

money, so our reception was a 

buffet at a friend’s house, and 

the music a YouTube playlist. 

In a nice touch of synchronicity, the 

neighbours were having an early Bonfire 

Night; the spectacular fireworks at the 

end of their display coincided with 

everyone heading outside for taxis 

home. Morgana wore a full-length, 

crushed velvet dress in crimson. My 

waistcoat and tie matched perfectly. Our 

first dance was The Pogues’ ‘Fairytale 

of New York’. There was a cake smash, 

photos, and a lot of laughter. Just a 

normal, slightly alternative wedding. 

Except that Morgana and I are both 

trans. I’ve medically and surgically 

transitioned, finishing things to the >>>

Ashley (right) and wife 

Morgana (left) 

Social media makes it easier for 

the defiantly different to find each 

other; a refuelling stop before we 

go out into the world again 

extent I wanted to take 

them in 2010, having 

changed my name in 2005. 

I took the full version of 

a nickname I’d chosen in 

1996, when I was 10 – the 

year I’d cut my hair short. 

There had never been 

a time, in the five years 

my parents had allowed 

me to choose my own 

clothes, that I’d gone for 

dresses, despite growing 

up with several friends 

who were happy being 

girls, and saw no reason 

why tree-climbing and 

skateboarding couldn’t be 

done in pretty, feminine 

clothes. I knew women 

who were practical and 

competent. But I’d always 

headed for jeans and 

T-shirts. I built dens, drove 

go-karts, climbed trees, 

and created elaborate 

stories that I acted out with 

my toy cars and Lego. 

Morgana had just started 

to bring her feminine self 

into the world when we 

met in 2013, having gone 

through the route of not 

really identifying with 

gender or sexuality at 

all, thinking she must be 

a gay man, because she 

didn’t feel anything for 

the girls her male friends 

were pursuing, and then 

coming across the idea of 

asexuality, and feeling that 

made a lot more sense 

than anything else. 

She is still asexual, as 

am I, but her hair has 

grown out into a long, 

thick waterfall of dark 

curls, while the summer 

dresses that contrasted so 

strikingly with that short 

hair have been replaced 

with pastel jeans, vintageinspired 

blouses, and 

humorous T-shirts. 

Morgana and I both 

live with mental health 

and neurodiversity, and 

this has caused a lot of 

difficulty in our path to 

introducing the world to 

ourselves. 

My initial referral to 

Charing Cross Gender 

Identity Clinic, London, 

was delayed for almost a 

year and a half, because 

I have schizophrenia. 

This, it was believed, 

meant that a ‘lack of a 

permanent sense of self’ 

made it impossible for me 

to be trans, even though 

I’d been permanently 

identifying as ‘not a girl’ 

for at least a decade prior 

to making it in front of a 

gender identity specialist. 

Despite the unwavering 

insistence of just about 

every part of the medical 

community that people 

with schizophrenia 

don’t have a fixed sense 

of self, my identity as a 

working class bloke who 

prefers to form intimate 

relationships with women, 

has more of an affinity 

with dogs than cats, enjoys 

both the reading and the 

writing of books, and 

starts to get restless if he’s 

kept indoors for too long, 

has never shifted. 

Morgana has Asperger’s, 

and, since hers came 

without the ‘brilliant at 

IT’ upgrade, but did have 

the free add-on of social 

anxiety, she has struggled 

to find paid employment. 

Those who decide 

whether trans people 

are allowed to have 

hormones and surgery 

(assuming they want 

either, which they may 

or may not) don’t like it if 

you’re not working. 

For Morgana, the anxiety 

of being criticised for 

‘not working’ means that, 

for the moment, she has 

chosen to simply ‘get on 

with being a woman’, and 

let go of the investment in 

doing things ‘officially’. 

Social media makes 

it easy for the defiantly 

different to find each 

other; a refuelling stop 

before we go out into the 

world again. 

I’ve spent years living 

and working stealthily, 

going in to maledominated 

workplaces, 

biting my tongue as I sat 

through ‘equality and 

diversity training’ led by 

someone who was clueless 

about a transgender 

person working at 

the company. I’ve had 

managers try to force 


Social media has allowed Morgana 

to find other autistic women, many 

of whom happen to be trans 

me into sexual situations 

with female colleagues, to 

‘prove you’re not a f****t’. 

I’ve had to come up with 

an explanation as to why 

a ‘bit of banter’ made me 

so uncomfortable, that 

doesn’t out me. 

After days like that, 

knowing my social media 

feed will include people 

who’ll make me laugh, 

inspire raging hair and 

fashion lust, and provide 

enjoyable, intellectually 

engaging discourse, is 

essential to my wellbeing. 

For Morgana, social 

media has allowed her to 

find other autistic, nerdy 

women, many of whom 

happen to be trans. She 

gets the respite of being 

in a society where she’s 

not out of step, or running 

to catch up, and where 

people engage with her 

naturally, and respect her 

without conditions. 

Even in the communities 

we’ve found, the opinions 

of the rest of the world 

still get in, as people try 

to process hate-filled 

The ‘safe spaces’ 

that the media 

mocks are where 

people like us 

go to rearm and 

fortify, not where 

we go to fall apart 

headlines, inaccurate 

representation, and 

personal encounters. 

What it is, is our space – 

filled with and dominated 

by people who understand 

and accept us, even if they 

don’t like us. And that 

makes it safe. It gives us 

the same ‘world-adjacent’ 

respite as people who 

experience the privilege 

of being automatically 

accepted by society. 

I was trans before social 

media took hold. I was 

schizophrenic before 

people talked openly. 

Morgana grew up as an 

autistic person without the 

benefit of a social media 

scene that allowed her to 

meet others like her. She 

was trans in the physical 

reality first. 

We would get by without 

it, but social media makes 

it a lot easier to manage 

our mental health and 

neurodivergence. The 

‘safe spaces’ the media 

mocks are where people 

like us go to rearm and 

fortify, not where we go to 

fall apart. 

Being trans, being 

neurodivergent, having 

mental health issues, will 

never be easy, but the 

same social media that 

gives those who object to 

our existence an outlet, 

also provides us all with 

an enjoyable, accessible 

way to affirm our 

personhood, and our right 

to enjoy the world, as well 

as embracing our own 

definition of success. 


Ashley and Morgana’s 

story shows the 

importance of being 

true to who you know 

yourself to be, especially 

when others do not 

understand, or even 

seek to undermine you. 

Managing more than 

one aspect of diversity, 

it is heartening to hear 

how social media has 

allowed them to build 

the sense of community 

we all need in our lives. 

Their resilience is a 

moving testament to 

what is possible if we 

stay true to our own 

values, and 

way of being 

in the world. 

Fe Robinson | MUKCP (reg) 

Psychotherapist and couples counsellor 



Photography | Joel Mott 

“ 

Even the darkest night will 

end and the sun will rise 

56 • happiful • December 2018 – VICTOR HUGO, LES MISÉRABLES

Simone is the 

co-host of The 

Sister Space podcast. 

Listen to new episodes 

on Spotify and 

Soundcloud 

@simonepowderly 

Simone Powderly 

Recommends 

Model, content creator, mental health advocate, and girl with big hair, 

and a bigger heart, Simone Powderly is making a real difference in the 

lives of her followers. But when she’s not working towards her goals, 

what does Simone do to relax? Here, she breaks down some of her 

favourites, and the things that inspire her day-to-day 

Book cover | amazon.co.uk 

A NEW SKILL YOU’VE 

RECENTLY LEARNED 

How to take care of my 

plants… Don’t laugh! I 

was determined to make 

sure I take care of them, 

they’re my babies and I 

love being around greenery 

– living in a city is hard, so I’ve 

created my safe space! Yes… I 

do give them special names and 

talk to them! 

FAVOURITE 

FOOD 

I never know 

what I want to 

eat... But homely 

food is always the 

way to my heart! Good ol’ Irish 

stew, or a Caribbean dish, is 

everything! 

MUST-READ BOOK 

QUOTE YOU LIVE BY 

Remember who you are 

– Mufasa, The Lion King. My 

nickname is Simba, because of 

my hair! 

GOING UP 

I’m just turning 30, and really 

stepping into my 

power, and just 

pushing forward 

with my passions. 

My home, work, and social life 

balance is really up in the air, 

and I don’t feel grounded. I need 

some organisation, ASAP! 

GOING DOWN 

Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult 

My therapist recommended I should read 

more fiction, as my shelf is full of self-help 

books. But wow, this book is hard-hitting and 

so beautifully written! 

FAVOURITE PLACE TO VISIT 

New York for the drive and 

ambition – I love the energy 

there. Home is where the 

heart is, and 

for me that’s 

being near 

greenery or 

water, so I will 

go to any place 

that gets me 

near those two! 

PROUDEST ACHIEVEMENT 

Finding my voice and speaking 

out on my childhood sexual 

trauma, which has led me to be 

able to raise awareness, and given 

me a greater purpose. 

WHO TO FOLLOW 

I truly believe in following pages 

that educate, make you laugh, 

inspire, and empower you. So here 

are my top five: @gracefvictory, 

@willsmith, @alex_elle, 

@tanyacompas, @mothecomedian 

FAVOURITE SONG 

I’m a lover of music, so this is hard! 

But my go-to song at the moment is 

DaniLeigh’s ‘Easy’. The song reflects 

my motto right now: ‘Let’s take it easy.’

G 

W

OK 

Writing | Lucy Donoughue 

GOK WAN: BARING ALL 

AN 

First aired in 2006, it was at its 

The go-to guy for teaching us to love the skin we’re in, Gok Wan has put being kind to yourself 

and others firmly in fashion. With the show that launched him into the nation’s homes, How 

to Look Good Naked, back later this year, and a UK tour this autumn, we chat to Gok about 

the topics he holds most passionately in his heart: body acceptance, appreciating life, and 

waking up to the mistreatment of LGBT+ communities across the globe 

Ifirst really considered the 

concept of ‘body confidence’ 

after watching Gok Wan’s 

How to Look Good Naked many 

years ago. With his now famous 

warmth and familiarity, Gok spent 

each episode working closely with 

the people who appeared on the 

Channel 4 show to understand 

their self-esteem struggles, and 

issues with their own reflections. 

He then challenged this by 

encouraging each person to view 

themselves positively, and by 

celebrating the features they were 

proud of. 

How to Look Good Naked was 

feel-good TV with strong messages 

of body acceptance and self-love 

at its core, prompting discussions 

about self-image and body 

dissatisfaction in living rooms up 

and down the country. 

height as Facebook was in its 

infancy, Instagram was years 

away from existing, and the words 

‘selfie’ and ‘influencer’ were not 

yet commonplace in the public 

domain. 

Now, Gok harnesses these social 

media platforms to informally 

continue the conversations 

around body confidence he 

started in the early noughties, and 

reaches more people than ever 

before on a daily basis. 

Scrolling through Gok’s feed, one 

post in particular catches my eye. 

It reads: ‘Body confidence is not 

about waking up and loving every 

part of you. It’s about waking up 

and not hating every part of you.’ 

“We all have those moments, and 

for some of us, we have weeks, 

months or years where we feel 

so bad about our bodies,” Gok 

explains when I mention this 

quote. “Then we concentrate so 

much on goals like, ‘I am going to 

be 100% confident with my hair, 

my skin, my nails, my body, my 

weight,’ and sometimes that can be 

so unachievable. 

“You’re already setting yourself up 

to fail, and what I want to say with 

that statement is just do baby steps. 

Give yourself a break, make your 

goals realistic, and then they won’t 

feel like such a daunting task. 

“Work at just trying to appreciate, 

trying to accept, and have parts of 

your body you can welcome to the 

world every single day – instead 

of having to try to love every part 

of it, which could be massively 

unachievable.” 

Now, 13 years after How to Look 

Good Naked first aired, Gok is >>> 


Follow Gok Wan on Instagram @therealgokwan, and visit gokfashion.com 

for more about the One Size Fits All tour. 

To support LGBT+ communities across the world, visit allout.org, a global 

movement fighting for a world where no one has to make sacrifices because 

of who they are or who they love. 

every bit as passionate about 

helping people to feel better about 

themselves. However, Gok believes 

that there are some aspects of 

the continuing social media 

phenomenon that exacerbate 

issues around low self-esteem – 

and he’s particularly concerned 

about younger people who have 

never known a life without these 

platforms. 

“We’re in a dangerous position at 

the moment; the majority of the 

images that we see are no longer 

just unrealistic, they’re computer 

generated, and people are aspiring 

to look that way. I don’t think the 

world knows what is beautiful any 

longer. 

“We’re aspiring to be something 

that is completely artificial – it’s 

not real. And I think that’s really 

confusing to a lot of young people. 

“As a 45-year-old man who works 

in an industry that is governed 

by how we look, I can talk about 

this quite freely and understand 

the right and wrongs of that,” 

Gok explains. “However, if I’m a 

13-year-old girl or boy, then I have 

no background knowledge, no 

research, and no references on 

this. I’m just thinking: ‘Why don’t 

I look that way?’ And I think that 

this can cause quite severe mental 

damage.” 

Gok has real gravitas when 

he shares his opinion on these 

subjects, not only because of 

his professional background, 

but also because of his personal 

experience with eating disorders, 

stemming from his young adult 

years. And now, how does Gok 

view himself today? 


Photography (teal background) | Chris WR Cox Photography, (bottom right) | Sue Lacey Photography 

He takes a moment before 

responding. “It’s a really difficult 

question to answer, because I 

am nowhere near 100% happy 

with my body – no way – but I 

have other things in my life that 

I feel so grateful for, and that I 

feel so proud of. My work, my 

relationships, and all of that gives 

me confidence, and actually has 

taken over how I felt about my 

body all those years ago.” 

This autumn, he’ll be taking 

these skills on the road with 

his One Size Fits All Tour (after 

I think that we 

need to fight 

for our brothers 

and sisters, so 

all voices can 

be heard 

filming the hotly-anticipated 

returning series of How to Look 

Good Naked), and Gok is keen to 

point out that he is rewarded by 

continuing to spread the body 

confidence message up close and 

in person: “It’s not a selfless act 

doing One Size Fits All, I get a 

huge amount out of it. 

“Even just talking about how I felt 

in the past about my body, how I 

feel about it now, the dangers of 

negative body image, and what 

that can do to you – I get a huge 

amount of confidence from that 

because I get to help people, to 

share their stories, and it confirms 

my beliefs and politics when it 

comes to the body confidence 

movement.” 

Gok is driven to work on 

projects where he can make a 

difference. I’m reminded of the 

Gay Times Global Pride campaign 

he supported last year, helping 

to shed light on the appalling 

mistreatment of the LGBT+ 

community in countries across the 

world. Gok tells me sadly, this isn’t 

an issue that is going away. 

He’s just returned from a press 

trip in Warsaw, Poland, where 

civil rights activist Elzbieta 

Podleśna, was arrested, and 

her laptop, phone, and private 

communications were seized. Her 

‘crime’ was sharing an image of 

the Virgin Mary with a rainbow 

halo, to protest against the 

Church’s exclusion of the LGBT+ 

community from religion. “She’s 

now had her entire work and 

her entire life, personally and 

professionally, investigated over 

this one image,” Gok says, with 

deep frustration in his voice. 

And this isn’t an isolated 

incident. “We’re in such terrible 

shape at the moment. Look at the 

Sultan of Brunei and the death 

penalty for LGBT+ people,” he 

continues. “Now, they’re not going 

to enforce that as a law, but we 

kind of forget that actually you can 

still be arrested or beaten in that 

country for your sexuality. 

“Just the fact that people are not 

being killed, it makes it kind of 

a positive, or a step in the right 

direction. Tha’s a problem that 

we’ve got with LGBT+ treatment 

– almost a reverse of the body 

confidence issue. We can’t just 

focus on the stuff that’s ‘kind of 

alright’, like the fact that it’s OK to 

get married in this country. 

“We’ve got to focus on the fact 

that our brothers and our sisters 

in the community, some of them 

are dying, some of them are being 

beaten or living in persecution 

in their own homes – unless 

they decide that they want to 

take asylum in a country where 

they can live freely as an LGBT+ 

person,” Gok says emphatically. 

“But then, not everybody wants to 

leave their country, their friends 

and their families. 

“For those of us who are slightly 

more privileged, I think that we 

need to fight for our brothers and 

sisters, so that all voices can be 

heard.” 

We’re with you all the way, Gok. 


BACK TO WORK 

Breakfast 

Start your week the right way with our homemade granola 

Writing | Ellen Hoggard 

Granola is one of my 

favourite breakfasts. 

The first time I made 

a batch at home, I 

couldn’t believe how simple it 

was, and it was so delicious I 

don’t think I’ll ever go back to 

shop-bought. Whether you go 

for a classic milk and granola 

combo, as a yoghurt topping, 

or simply a snack, the flavour 

and texture is just so good. A 

bit of sugar, a dash of spice, and 

the fruits that fill your fancy, 

this recipe is the basis for a 

breakfast you can make your 

own. 

As summer rolls into 

autumn, we often fall back 

into a routine. School starts, 

everyone is back at work, and 

new projects are set to begin. 

So, you need to be nourished 

ahead of your day. As you 

prepare for the week, simply 

set an hour aside to bake this 

delicious granola, and you’ll 

be set for at least the next few 

days… as long as you don’t eat 

it all at once. 

Our nutrition expert 

Michelle Boehm gives us 

some insight: “This is a 

well-balanced breakfast 

with plenty of carbohydrates 

(oats), fats (coconut oil), and 

protein (nuts). It’s vegan, and 

can be gluten-free if you opt for 

gluten-free oats. The carbs are 

slow-releasing, keeping you 

fuller for longer, reducing the 

urge to snack and overeat at 

lunchtime. 

“Adding protein and 

cinnamon to your meal 

supports blood sugar 

balancing. The slow release 

of sugars in the food helps to 

boost energy levels, control 

mood swings, and reduce 

cravings. If you would like 

to reduce the sugar content 

further, omit the syrup and 

dried fruit, although this 

may make your granola 

slightly less sticky. 

“The fats in coconut 

oil are medium chain 

triglycerides (MCTs) which 

are said to provide your 

brain with quick energy, 

and raise the good HDL 

cholesterol in your 

blood. This breakfast is 

also rich in fibre, with 

almonds containing 

more fibre than any 

other nut. Fibre binds 

to water and waste in 

the colon to pass out 

of the body easily, regulating 

bowel movements.” 

You will need... 

4 cups rolled oats 

1 cup pecans 

1 cup almonds 

2 tbsp agave or maple syrup 

½ cup coconut oil 

½ tsp cinnamon 

½ tsp salt 

1 tbsp dried cranberries 

1 tbsp dried apricots, chopped 

½ cup coconut flakes 

Optional: Chocolate chips 

Michelle Boehm is a nutritional 

therapist and health coach. Find out 

more at livebetterhealth.co.uk

Method 

10 SERVINGS 

Preheat the oven to 180C/350C, gas 

mark 4, and line a large rimmed 

baking tray with parchment paper. 

Put aside. 

Combine the oats, salt, cinnamon, 

pecans and almonds. In a small 

bowl, melt the coconut oil and add 

the agave syrup. Slowly, combine 

the wet ingredients with the oats 

until fully coated. 

Add to the baking tray, distributing 

evenly and pressing down so the 

mixture sticks together. 

Bake for 20 to 25 minutes, stirring 

halfway. For larger clusters, press 

the stirred granola down with your 

spatula before returning to the 

oven. When golden brown, remove 

and leave to cool. 

When the granola has completely 

cooled, break the granola into 

pieces with your hands. Add the 

dried fruit, coconut and, if using, 

chocolate chips. Gently mix with 

your hands, ensuring you don’t 

break the clusters. 

Store in an airtight container at 

room temperature (this will keep 

your granola fresh for up to two 

weeks). Alternatively, you can freeze 

your granola for up to three months 

– simply remove it from the freezer 

15 minutes before serving. 

Serve as a yoghurt topping, or with a 

milk of choice. Delicious. 

Find a nutritionist near you at 

nutritionist-resource.org.uk 


HOW TO SPOT 

DIET CULTURE BS 

As the summer hits its stride, it’s near impossible to avoid all the attention-grabbing 

headlines about the latest fad diet, ‘bikini body workout’, or obesity epidemics, 

designed to make us feel guilty at mealtimes. But diet culture doesn’t need to make 

its claim on you! Here, we put the BS on blast 

Writing | Pixie Turner 

Diet culture is like that 

song by The Police: 

every breath you take, 

every move you make, 

it’s watching you. And 

judging you. 

All the messages that are 

ingrained in us by society, that 

health, beauty, happiness, and 

success have an aesthetic, and a 

very particular aesthetic at that, 

are encompassed by diet culture. If 

you don’t fit this image, then you’re 

wrong and need to change. Diet 

culture conveniently sells us all the 

tools we allegedly need to mould 

ourselves to the ideal image, and 

when they don’t work, it shames us 

for not trying hard enough. 

These messages have incredible 

power over us, and seep into 

the way we think and talk about 

ourselves, our family, our friends, 

and strangers. 

Diet culture is built on lies. 

Health doesn’t have one look, 

beauty is multi-faceted, success 

comes in many forms, and 

happiness doesn’t often come 

from being constantly told you’re 

not good enough. 

“THIS FOOD IS TOXIC! AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS!” 

The toxicity narrative can come 

in a number of forms. With 

sugar in particular, we’re told 

that it’s toxic and addictive, and 

that’s why we’re all fat: we can’t 

stop eating it. This is absolute 

nonsense. Firstly, weight isn’t 

a behaviour, and we should 

stop acting like it’s something 

we have complete control over. 

Secondly, using fear tactics to 

scare people out of eating certain 

foods is unhelpful. It’s a very 

effective short-term motivator, 

but it also often leads to bingeing 

behaviours, secret eating, guilt, 

and is not conducive to good 

mental health. Using weight 

gain as a fear tactic implies that 

Here are just some of the diet 

culture headlines I’ve spotted in 

recent years, that I wish people 

would stop using: 

all weight gain is bad (it’s not), 

and shows just how much value 

society places on a thin body. 

Much of the ‘toxicity’ narrative 

very much feeds in to the ‘thin 

bodies are good bodies’, ‘fat bodies 

are bad bodies’ narrative, as we 

take on the concept of ‘you are 

what you eat’. If you eat ‘toxic’ 

foods (sugar, processed food, 

chemicals, gluten, whatever is 

negatively trending) then this 

must manifest in the body in the 

form of weight gain, because 

toxic foods make toxic bodies. It’s 

an incredibly harmful narrative 

that attaches moral value to food, 

which is then transferred to our 

bodies. All bodies are good bodies. 


Instead of encouraging rapid 

weight loss, let’s instead focus 

on health-promoting behaviours 

and self-acceptance 

“HAVING FAT MANNEQUINS IS ‘PROMOTING OBESITY’” 

All bodies 

are good 

bodies 

Or subsitute this for any body 

positivity narrative. Humans 

come in a variety of shapes and 

sizes, and this should absolutely 

be reflected in the images we see 

around us. The very people who 

are so outraged at the fat Nike 

mannequin tend to be the same 

people who make fun of fat folks 

in the gym. So you want fat people 

to get smaller and engage in health 

behaviours, but you also don’t 

want them to go to the gym? These 

people don’t actually care about 

fat people’s health; they simply 

want fat people to cease to exist, 

because they don’t find fatness 

aesthetically pleasing. We should 

absolutely be encouraging anyone 

who wants and is able to move their 

body in ways they enjoy, and that 

includes giving everyone access to 

comfortable and practical workout 

clothes that fit. >>>

“THIS IS THE FIRST 

GENERATION THAT WON’T 

LIVE LONGER THAN THEIR 

PARENTS” 

“THIS FOOD MELTS FAT FAST!” 

Any kind of ‘fat-burning’ foods, or 

foods that ‘melt the pounds away’, 

don’t exist. There is no such thing 

as ‘fat-burning’ foods, and there is 

no magical food that will lead to 

instant weight loss. Food doesn’t 

work like that. The language of 

‘melting’ fat is incredibly strange, 

and implies that the fat stores 

inside our body function the same 

way as a slab of butter: work it 

and warm it up, and it converts 

from a solid to liquid state, which 

then… leaves your body? As sweat? 

No. Instead of encouraging rapid 

weight loss, let’s instead focus on 

health-promoting behaviours and 

self-acceptance. 

This statement has spread like 

wildfire through the media 

and social media. I can see 

why; it’s a great soundbite. But 

it’s also totally wrong. When 

you trace it back to its origin 

(which is not easy as one 

article seems to get it from 

another article, which copied 

it from another article…) it 

wasn’t a finding in a scientific, 

peer-reviewed paper. It was 

from an opinion piece. This 

statement, which is shared 

as fact, is simply one person’s 

opinion. They didn’t even 

back it up with any evidence. 

This statement is simply 

untrue, and the average life 

expectancy is still going up 

as medical diagnoses happen 

earlier, treatments get better, 

and communicable diseases 

are hugely reduced. Who 

knows, we might even bring it 

up to 100 years old one day. 


PIXIE’S TOP FIVE HEALTH CLAIMS TO AVOID: 

“WE HAVE AN EPIDEMIC 

OF FATNESS!” 

Using the word ‘epidemic’ for a 

non-contagious phenomenon is 

misleading. It creates panic and 

implies that you can ‘catch’ fatness 

from someone. Actually, we have 

research suggesting that fat folks 

tend to eat less around thin folks, 

usually due to concerns about 

being judged if they eat more 

than the thin person. Fat people 

already face so much hate and 

discrimination, and implying that 

you shouldn’t have fat friends in 

case you become fat too, is cruel. 

All humans need social interaction 

to thrive, not just the thin ones. 

Diet culture is insidious, yes, but 

that doesn’t mean we’re paralysed 

by it. Having an understanding of 

these societal structures allows 

us to be more compassionate 

to ourselves and to others. We 

know from research that shaming 

others, or ourselves, into losing 

weight doesn’t work. If we can 

learn and practise self-acceptance, 

we are actually far more likely 

to treat our bodies well, and see 

them as wonderful machines that 

deserve to be taken care of. In the 

end, I’m willing to bet you know 

your body better than any headline 

or Instagram ad ever could. Trust 

that. And if that feels too hard right 

now, reach out for help, because I 

promise, you deserve it. 

1. Anything that suggests there is one way of eating for everybody. 

It does not exist. 

2. Claims that food is toxic. It’s not, as it wouldn’t be edible 

otherwise. Also, any chemist will tell you that the dose makes 

the poison. In other words, anything is toxic in the right 

quantity, even water. 

3. ‘Guilt-free’ food. All food is guilt-free. You need to eat to survive, 

just like you need to drink water, breathe, and go to the toilet. 

None of those should involve guilt. 

4. Anything that mentions the word ‘detoxing’. The more 

someone uses that term to talk about food, the less likely they 

are to actually know anything about human physiology and 

biochemistry. Lucky for you, I have a biochemistry degree, and I 

can happily say that you have a liver and kidneys that work 24/7. 

No one food can replace that. 

5. ‘This food cures this disease!’ Food is not medicine. Food does 

not cure disease. A healthy, balanced diet is important for 

health, yes, but there is no such thing as a specific food that can 

cure a certain disease. (If you’re being really pedantic, you could 

say that removing a food that you’re allergic to is a ‘cure’, but I 

don’t think that’s quite the same thing!) 

Pixie Turner (ANutr, MSc) is a nutritionist, science 

communicator, and author. Her books ‘The Wellness 

Rebel’ and ‘Become a Diet Rebel and Make Friends 

with Food’ are available now. Follow Pixie on 

Instagram and Twitter @pixienutrition

NEUROSCIENCE: 

THE KEY TO CONFIDENCE 

Regret over missed opportunities, terrified to ask for a pay rise, or dread in the pit of your 

stomach at the thought of an upcoming presentation? We’ve all been there, but a lack of 

confidence doesn’t need to hold you back any longer… 

Writing | Fiona Thomas 

Stand up straight. Talk 

loudly. Sell yourself. 

Words that are drilled 

into us before we attend 

a job interview. But once 

hired, how do we keep up the 

momentum? There are so many 

aspects of work that make us feel 

inadequate, and research suggests 

that we may be in the midst of a 

confidence crisis. 

Unsurprisingly, public speaking 

ranks as one of the biggest pain 

points, with 52% of workers 

claiming they lack the confidence 

to present in front of large groups. 

Added to that, 35% of employees 

are too shy to ask for a pay rise, 

while 32% are afraid of putting 

ideas forward. 

We look at the most confident 

people in the office and think that 

they’re lucky. They were born that 

way, right? Well, kind of. It’s true 

that many of our personality traits 

– from shyness to creativity – are 

rooted in our genetic makeup. 

But just because some people are 

naturally confident doesn’t mean 

that the rest of us are sentenced 

to life in the shadows. Confidence 

can be genetic, but it can also 

be learned, and that’s where 

neuroscience comes in. 

Our brains are made up of 

millions of nerve cells, which 

are responsible for our thoughts, 

mood, emotions, and intelligence. 

The British Neuroscience 

Association says that our brain 

affects our physical movement, 

breathing, heart rate, and sleep. It 

makes us who we are. 

I spoke to Kirsty Hulse, 

founder of Roar Training, 

who has a passion for social 

neuroendocrinology (a field of 

study in neuroscience, focused 

on how hormones impact social 

behaviours) to find out how we can 

get strategic with our own selfconfidence. 

I took part in one of her practical 

workshops recently and, although 

I was eager to learn, I thought I 

would struggle to match Kirsty’s 

confidence. She’s so at-ease on 

stage that on this particular day, 

she incorporates burping into 

her talk, and still comes off as 

the ultimate professional. With a 

background in stand-up comedy, 

I felt like she had an unfair 

advantage in the world of work, 

but I was wrong. What Kirsty 

graciously admitted to us all that 

day, is that she, too, suffers from 

major confidence dips at work. 

The secret for Kirsty is knowing 

that these feelings are intrinsically 

linked to our brain. It’s all just 

chemistry. Here are her tips: 

Scenario one: Someone else is 

taking credit for your work 

Having the confidence to stand 

up and get recognition for your 

work can be hard. It can feel like 

bragging, and most of us hate to 

do that. 

Kirsty explains that it all lies 

in our brain’s perception of the 

situation. >>>

What is power posing? 

Made famous by Amy Cuddy in her 2012 Ted talk, it 

is the act of commanding a powerful stance (think 

Wonder Woman) to alter your brain chemistry. Her 

latest study, published in 2018, demonstrates a link 

between expansive postures and feelings of power.

“Actions and how we construe 

situations can have an impact 

on our hormonal profile. So 

perceiving a situation as difficult 

and threat-inducing will ultimately 

make it difficult and threatinducing.” 

Confronting someone about 

taking credit for your work can 

feel like a threat because you 

anticipate a negative response. 

This can lead to increased cortisol 

levels, which can trigger the ‘fight 

or flight’ response – that comes 

with unhelpful physical symptoms 

such as sweating, increased heart 

rate, and muscle tension. The 

problem here is that we lose our 

ability to think, and are overcome 

by physical reactions. 

The good news is that there 

are practical ways to dampen 

this limbic response, and they’re 

pretty simple. Laughter is a proven 

way to lower cortisol levels, as 

is a talk with a trusted friend. So 

before you head into a difficult 

conversation, phone your funniest 

pal for some reassurance. You 

can also encourage an optimal 

hormone balance with 30 minutes 

of moderate exercise and power 

posing. 

We hardwire negative 

beliefs, and remember 

threats more than 

rewards 

Scenario two: You want a pay rise 

Money is a source of anxiety 

for many of us, and asking for 

more of it can be terrifying. We 

instinctively assume that the 

answer will be no, because we 

don’t deserve it. Kirsty says that 

this train of thought is totally 

normal, and that being aware of 

that fact can be helpful. 

“We hardwire negative beliefs, 

and remember threats more than 

rewards. So acknowledge that 

you’re more likely to remember 

the times you’ve failed than the 

times you’ve succeeded. This is a 

good reminder to yourself before 

going into a meeting. It’s natural 

to feel unqualified, because we’re 

always thinking about the times 

we fell short, instead of the times 

we did well. Normalising this 

sense of feeling unworthy can help 

you really focus on all the great 

attributes you bring to the table.” 

Try putting yourself in someone 

else’s shoes and draw on their 

natural confidence. Choose a role 

model who you believe would 

handle the situation effectively 

(think Beyoncé or Batman) and 

channel their energy. Ask yourself: 

‘How would they walk into a room? 

How would they sell themselves 

effectively in order to get this pay 

rise?’ This can quickly get you 

into the headspace of feeling in 

control, instead of under threat. 


Laughter is a proven way to lower cortisol levels, as is a talk 

with a trusted friend. So before you head into a difficult 

conversation, phone your funniest pal for reassurance 

The science bit: 

We need the prefrontal cortex 

(PFC) of the brain for high-level 

thinking, creativity, and decisionmaking. 

The limbic system deals 

with emotions, memories, learning, 

and stimulation. The problem is 

that the PFC and limbic system 

don’t work well at the same time. So, 

when nerves kick in and the limbic 

system fires up, it’s hard to think 

clearly (using the PFC) which is why 

people forget their words, stutter, or 

get choked up. Additionally, studies 

show that the optimal hormonal 

profile for confidence is increased 

testosterone, and low cortisol levels. 

Make it your mission to find that 

sweet spot where nerves give you 

energy, without taking over. And 

if you feel like they are about to 

take over, do something to lower 

your cortisol levels, like talking to 

a friend, laughing, taking a walk, 

or reframe the situation as an 

opportunity for reward. 

Scenario three: You’re doing a 

big presentation 

One of the most effective ways to 

get more confident doing public 

speaking is practice. When we 

do the same thing repeatedly, we 

hardwire new beliefs, and the 

more you partake in it, the more 

you’ll realise your own capabilities. 

Imagine your belief system as a 

literal footpath on the grass. The 

first time you walk it you’ll have 

to find your own way, but after 

making the same journey a few 

times, the path becomes worn in, 

more visible, and easy to follow. 

“Nerves just show that you’re 

doing something that you care 

about,” says Kirsty. “Nerves are 

a marker of wanting to do well. 

They’ve been societally presented 

as a weakness, but nerves are your 

body saying: ‘I’m going to do all of 

the appropriate things to help you 

nail this.’” 

If you’re keen to find out more about 

how to boost your confidence, to 

help you thrive at work, Kirsty 

cites ‘Quiet Leadership: Six Steps to 

Transforming Performance at Work’ 

by David Rock (Collins, £10.99) as 

the basis for much of her training 

and advice. 

Fiona is a freelance writer and 

author, whose book, ‘Depression 

in a Digital Age’, is out now. Visit 

fionalikestoblog.com for more. 


Soak it up 

A good bath might be seen as a little luxury now and then, but beyond some essential 

self-care, it actually has scientifically proven benefits for your mental health 

Writing | Fiona Thomas 

Throughout history, 

bathing has always 

been about more 

than just personal 

hygiene. Cleanliness 

was seen as a symbol of power 

and beauty in ancient times, 

and baths were taken publicly 

as a way to socialise and build 

communities. 

Nowadays of course, a hot 

bubble bath is associated with 

solitude and self-care, a little 

luxury that many of us look 

forward to after a stressful day, or 

a tough workout. But studies show 

that the benefits of bathing are 

more than just skin deep. 

In a German study, participants 

with depression reported a boost 

in mood after soaking in a 40C 

bath for 30 minutes. In fact, in this 

experiment, regular baths proved 

to be more effective in aiding 

depression than aerobic exercise. 

A Japanese study also looked 

into the mental health benefits of 

bathing, this time, in comparison 

to showering. They found that 

bathing resulted in less stress, 

tension-anxiety, anger-hostility, 

and depression, in the people who 

took part. 

It’s believed that hot baths 

are particularly transformative 

because they warm us up. 

Increased body temperature 

at night helps synchronise our 

natural circadian rhythms, leading 

to better sleep patterns, along 

with improved quality of sleep and 

overall wellbeing. 

In an article published on 

PsychologyToday.com, Peter 

Bongiorno, ND, LAc explains that 

bathing can even lead to chemical 

changes in the brain. 

He writes: “Decreases in stress 

hormones (like cortisol) have 

been reported with water bathing 

(Toda et al., 2006). It has also been 

shown that water bathing may 

also help the balance of the feel 

good neurotransmitter, serotonin 

(Marzsziti et al., 2007).” 

But before you get lathered up, 

here are a few tips on how to create 

a soothing experience that will 

help you rebalance in the comfort 

of your own home. 

1 GET THE TEMPERATURE 

SPOT ON 

Warm baths help ease physical 

tension, relax anxious muscles, 

and give you that orgasmic, looseygoosey 

feeling when you’re tightly 

wound. They can even aid with 

digestion problems, and lower 

blood sugar levels. 

The perfect bath for a healthy 

adult should be between 40–45C, 

ideally in a room that is 25C. This 

magical combination will increase 

body temperature in a comfortable 

way, due to the reduced cold stress 

from the exterior environment. 

2 ESSENTIAL OILS 

Aromatherapist and Therapy 

Directory member Megan Viney 

explains that although lavender is a 

firm favourite with those looking to 

relax, it’s not the only choice. 

“Vetiver is a brilliant option for 

settling the mind, and frankincense 

is renowned for helping let go of 

worries,” Megan notes. 

For a good night’s sleep try ylang 

ylang, and to invigorate, try a citrus 

oil such as petitgrain or bergamot.

It’s important to 

always use a carrier oil to 

dilute your chosen essential 

oil, otherwise they may cause 

skin irritation. A good rule of 

thumb when making a 2% 

dilution is to add 12 drops 

per 30ml of oil. 

Why not take it a step further 

and add fresh rose petals to 

your bathwater? This creates 

a soothing rosewater scent 

that is suitable for even 

sensitive skins. 

3 LIGHT IT UP 

Many of us are exposed to 

blue light all day in the form 

of computers and mobile devices, 

leaving us mentally drained and prone 

to headaches. If your bathroom has 

lots of natural light, then consider a 

daytime bath. Not only does it feel 

like the ultimate extravagance, but 

natural light can lead to an improved 

sense of wellbeing, and better sleep. 

In the evening, consider leaving the 

lights off and bathing by candlelight, 

as exposure to artificial light at night 

suppresses melatonin, interfering with 

sleep timing and quality. 

4 SET THE TONE 

It can be tempting to prop up your iPad 

and catch up on your favourite Netflix 

shows while you’re in the tub, but we 

recommend leaving technology out of 

the equation. Remember that draining 

blue light? Instead, enjoy the silence, or 

envelop yourself in a natural soundtrack 

like rainforest sounds or lapping 

waves. Studies show that nature sounds 

can decrease the body’s sympathetic 

response (that anxiety jolt that comes 

from fight-or-flight) and can increase 

feelings of relaxation. 

‘The perfect bath for a healthy 

adult should be between 40–45C, 

ideally in a room that is 25C’ 

5 MEDITATE 

If you struggle to meditate in a normal 

setting, then try a few minutes in the 

bath. Your body is already physically 

relaxed, which should make it easier 

to empty your mind and zen out in 

your hydrating haven. Simply close 

your eyes and concentrate on long, 

deep breaths. Keep your mind quiet, 

and focus on the present moment. 

The sound of the water. The smell of 

essential oils. The complete relaxation.

LITTLE DONKEYS, 

BIG BENEFITS 

Through difficult times, animals have the power to offer relief and companionship. Inspired 

by her mum’s experience with dementia, Sarah McPherson is the woman behind Miniature 

Donkeys for Wellbeing – aka Mini Donks – the social enterprise that takes their seven 

adorable animal companions on wellbeing visits, and changes lives while they’re at it 


“ 

To cut a long story 

short... We lost a 

dog, went looking for 

puppies, and came back 

with two miniature 

donkeys instead.” 

Sarah McPherson is casting her 

mind back to 2017, and the series 

of events that lead her to found 

Mini Donks – the social enterprise 

that takes miniature donkeys 

into care homes, schools, and 

hospitals, to support community 

wellbeing across their home 

county of Norfolk. 

“Bo Peep and Saffy joined the 

family when my mum was in the 

early stages of dementia,” Sarah 

says. “When they were still able 

to, my folks used to come over 

and stay with us, and my mum 

always loved spending time with 

the donkeys. Then, her dementia 

got worse, and it became very 

obvious that my dad was going 

to be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 

and vascular dementia, too.” 

Sarah took a three-month leave 

of absence from her job to try to 

set up care systems so her parents 

could stay in their home. During 

this incredibly difficult time, Sarah 

found comfort in her two donkeys. 

“I’d come home, go and sit in 

the stable, and just spend time 

with them. Saffron would come 

and stand with me. I used to just 

sit and look up at her, and she’d 

rest her head on my shoulder and 

give me a big sigh. That was very 

special.” 

As Sarah’s parents’ conditions 

progressed, they moved to a 

nearby nursing home. Knowing 

how much they loved the donkeys, 

Sarah started to bring the animals 

on visits with her. 

“One of the nursing staff said: 

‘There’s a lady who would love to 

see them, but she’s bedbound. Will 

they come in?’ I said: ‘Well, we’ll 

give it a go.’ 

“Shortly after, we took our two 

little donkeys to see this lady. And 

that was the beginning of it all.” 

When Sarah’s mum passed 

away in April 2017, the Monday 

following her funeral, Sarah 

handed in her notice at her job, 

and officially founded Mini Donks. 

Since then, the team has 

grown to seven donkeys and 12 

volunteers – and together, they 

work hard to support and improve 

the wellbeing of everyone they can 

in their community. 

WHY DONKEYS? 

The soothing effect that animals 

have on our wellbeing is truly 

incredible, but Sarah thinks there’s 

something particularly special 

about donkeys. 

“Our girls, they’re inquisitive, 

they’re bright, but they’re also 

very gentle. My Pippin, she’s very 

sensitive to what people need. 

She’ll suck on my hand, like a child 

sucking their thumb. It relaxes her 

and puts her into what seems a 

dream-like state. 

“So if we have somebody who’s 

end-of-life, or maybe someone 

with Parkinson’s who’s very shaky, 

I’ll just gently draw Pippin towards 

them, while she’s sucking on my 

hand, and then they can put their 

hands on her.” 

After the visits, Sarah has been 

told by staff at the hospital that the 

atmosphere is so much calmer, 

and Sarah sees first-hand how 

spending time with the donkeys 

can soothe stress and anxiety. 

Recently, Mini Donks began 

visiting a secure psychiatric 

hospital. What began as a one-off 

visit became every six months, 

before they were asked to come 

monthly instead. >>> 


SUPPORT 

MINI DONKS 

Sponsor a mini donk for 

£35 a year, and help them 

continue to deliver 

their life-changing 

wellbeing visits. Find out 

how at minidonks.org.uk/ 

sponsor-our-donkeys

Mini Donks has now grown to seven donkeys 

and 12 wonderful volunteers 

They’re huge 

destressers 

because they’re 

just themselves, 

and they’re very 

gentle souls 

“There’s an adult ward and a 

children’s ward. The staff and 

patients say that the best day of 

the month is donkey day,” says 

Sarah. “They get to come and 

groom the donkeys, and we walk 

around the grounds with them, 

leading them. 

“They’re building a relationship 

with the donkeys, and one of 

the young patients saw from 

our website that it was Pixie’s 

birthday, so he made a special 

card for her.” 

TOUCHING LIVES 

Sarah has countless stories of the 

people who have been touched 

by the work that they’re doing 

with Mini Donks. But when she 

reflects on her time working with 

organisations in her community, 

one story in particular stands out 

in her memory. 

“There’s a chap who we met at a 

nursing home in North Norfolk, 

which caters for people with 

very severe dementia. He was 

non-verbal, and he suffered from 

a shuffling gait – so he shuffled 

with his hands curled up in fists 

against his chest. 

“A careworker brought him in 

to the pen with the donkeys, and 

they very gently took his hand. 

As his hand went down on to the 

back of the donkey, he opened 

up and started stroking. I put a 

brush in his hand and he begin 

to hum. 

“He groomed that donkey like 

a professional. He went from 

behind the ears, down the neck, 

along the back, down by the 

sides, down all four legs, then 

looked around, saw the other 

donkey, shuffled over, groomed 

the other donkey. Then he put 

the brush back in our hands, and 

off he went.” 

A year on, Sarah and the donkeys 

went back to visit the same 

nursing home. 

“He was still there, but much 

worse. He was asleep in a chair, 

and the care staff very gently woke 

him up. He looked up, took the 

donkey’s face in his hands and 

kissed it.” 

Sarah explains how the five or 

so minutes that people spend 

with the donkeys can make all the 

difference to their wellbeing, and 

creating these moments is at the 

heart of what Mini Donks do. 

“My dad has got severe dementia, 

and he doesn’t always know who 

I am,” says Sarah. “He doesn’t 

care much for donkeys, but if 

something reached him the way 

that the donkeys reach these 

people, I would be delighted.” 

BEHIND THE SCENES 

The work that Mini Donks does 

is propelled forwards by 12 

volunteers, who give up their time 

to take care of the donkeys, and 

come along on wellbeing visits. 

But for Sarah, and the others who 

support their mission, the work 

they do also supports their own 

mental health. 

“It’s been a saviour for my mental 

wellbeing,” Sarah explains. “And 

a lot of our volunteers come to 

us because they want something 

for themselves, to help them with 

their wellbeing. 

“People have come to us lacking 

in confidence, and with anxiety 

issues. But being around the 

donkeys, and them being a 

facilitator to help the donkeys help 

somebody else, is a really powerful 

thing.” 

But despite being the driving force 

behind the social enterprise, Sarah 

is quick to step out of the spotlight. 


“I know it was my idea, but 

it’s so much more than me – it’s 

this amazing team, and it’s the 

power of positivity. If anybody is 

feeling low, doing something to 

help somebody else can be a lot 

easier than doing something to 

help yourself – but, in fact, you’re 

doing both at the same time.” 

A MEASURE OF SUCCESS 

From the people that they visit, 

to the team behind the scenes 

whose lives are brightened by the 

work that they do, Mini Donks is 

the social enterprise filling the 

small moments in people’s lives 

with joy and comfort. And for 

Sarah, all the hard work is more 

than worth it. 

“I haven’t gone to bed for two 

years without thinking about 

donkeys,” says Sarah, as she 

reflects on what drives her. “But 

when I worked for an agency, 

advising on how to create 

It’s so much more than me – it’s this amazing 

team, and it’s the power of positivity 

successful start-up businesses, 

the chief exec said we need to 

ask clients: ‘What does your 

perfect day look like, and how 

is your business going to give 

you more of your perfect day?’ 

My perfect day is messing 

about with my donkeys, and 

giving other people their 

perfect days, so I’m the most 

successful person you could 

ever meet.” 

Discover more about the work 

that Mini Donks do by visiting 

their website, minidonks.org.uk 




Photography | Riki Ramdani 

78 • happiful • December 2018 

“ 

We think too much and 

feel too little 

– CHARLIE CHAPLIN

End your day on a grateful note… 

So often the negatives 

can consume 

our thoughts, but 

dedicating a little time 

to focus on the things 

we’re thankful for can 

do wonders for our 

wellbeing 

Studies have shown that 

collecting your thoughts at the 

end of the day, and focusing 

on what you’re grateful for, can 

improve your sleep quality, 

optimism, and even lower blood 

pressure. Why not give it a go 

tonight? 

GRATITUDE JOURNAL PROMPTS: 

Struggling for what to write? Here 

are 10 prompts to get you started: 

• Who was the last person to make 

you smile? 

Journals we love 

THE 100-DAY PLANNER 

(The Happiness Planner, £22) 

thehappinessplanner.co.uk 

1 Pick a notebook or journal 

(any pen and paper will do, 

but having a special book 

might make this time feel 

like a real treat). 

• What memory always makes you 

happy? 

• Describe your favourite smell 

• Describe your favourite dish 

Image | thehappinessplanner.co.uk 

2 

3 

4 

Try to get into a routine and 

develop the habit by setting 

a time for writing in your 

journal every day. 

Take as long as you like, but 

try to note down at least one 

positive thing you can take 

from the day or week. 

Revisit and read your 

gratitude journal for a mood 

boost, and a reminder of all 

the wonderful things in your 

life, no matter how small, 

when you need it most. 

• Describe the last time you 

helped someone 

• Note down a time you made a 

mistake, but learnt something 

from it 

• What are you most proud of in 

the past week? 

• What are you most looking 

forward to in the next week? 

• What teacher, mentor, or 

person, has had the biggest 

impact on your life? 

• List five ways you can share your 

gratitude with the people you 

love tomorrow 

Gratitude Journal 

(Selfish Darling, £24.99) 

selfishdarling.com 

Q and A a Day: 5-Year Journal 

(Potter Style, £14.99) 

amazon.co.uk

Learning 

to grow 

When we reach a big life milestone, it’s natural to 

want to reflect on where we’re at in our lives. Here, 

blogger Anna Newton pens a letter to her future 

self as she approaches the big 3-0, drawing on 

lessons she’s learnt so far, and those all important 

intentions for her future 

Writing | Anna Newton 

Hello future Anna! 

How are you doing? Has The 

Office finally come to Netflix? 

Are avocados still trendy, or are 

they laughed at like the ‘devils on 

horseback’ dish from the 80s? Can 

you believe that we used to drive 

cars with our hands and feet?! 

Here’s the thing with writing 

a letter to your future self – one 

day you can actually look back at 

it and read it. If only I had access 

to the implanted microchips that 

you now use for diary entries, I’d 

schedule a reminder for 20 years 

time to check this out. Instead of 

looking back at what advice I’d give 

to my younger self, it’s a chance to 

review where I am now, how I got 

here, and have a look into a crystal 

ball to set intentions and hopes for 

the years ahead. 

This year, 2019, will see me 

turn 30. An age by which, when 

I was younger, I imagined I’d be 

married (I have found myself a lovely 

fella, so have checked that one off the 

list), own a house with a garden 

(haha!), and have started a family 

(hahahahaha! x100). 

But here’s the thing, life doesn’t 

always turn out how you planned 

– which I’m sure you’re even 

more aware of now. In fact, life 

has a funny old way of turning 

things completely on their head, 

providing challenges which hurt 

like hell sometimes, but can often 

give us a chance to grow, and teach 

us a lesson worth learning. 

So what have I learnt in the past 

29 years? Well, sometimes what 

you think you want, isn’t actually 

what you want at all. I’ve learnt to 

forge my own path, and not the one 

drawn out for me by others. Hell, 

I went completely off-piste and 

became a self-employed blogger, 

and I couldn’t be happier thanks to 

my jump into the deep end, and off 

the corporate ladder. 

I’ve learnt that family and friends 

are everything and, just like you 

need to be there to buoy them up 

sometimes, the ones that are worth 

their salt will return the favour 

when you need it most. I’ve learnt 

the hard lesson that you can’t be 

everyone’s cup of tea. I’ve learnt 

to congratulate a friend on their 

achievements, without comparing 

their life timeline to mine. I’ve 

learnt about teamwork, decisionmaking, 

interest rates, and what 

the hell to do when the pipes freeze 

over, and the shower doesn’t work. 

I’m learning to adult. 


Life has a funny 

old way of turning 

things completely 

on their head, 

providing challenges 

which hurt like hell 

sometimes, but 

can often give us a 

chance to grow 

Now the key emphasis is on 

‘learning’ there, because I’m not 

sure that we ever feel our age, nor 

do we ever feel like we completely 

have a 100% understanding on life. 

That is the one thing that I know to 

be true at the grand age of 29 – you 

never stop learning. Whether it’s 

facts and figures, problem-solving 

techniques, or you finally work 

out how to expertly apply eye-liner 

(please feel free to share), there’s 

always room for development. 

Here are two things I’m still 

working on – how have I done? 

I’ve spent my life being such a 

people-pleaser; always looking to 

appease others, whether I agreed 

with their actions and opinions, 

or not. It’s a work in progress, 

but going forward it’s something 

that I really want to improve on. 

Standing my ground, being more 

assertive where necessary, and 

learning to have a stronger stance. 

I think this confidence in your 

own beliefs is something that 

comes with age, but being the 

neutral-ground lover that I am, it’s 

something that’s going to require 

some effort, too. 

The other thing that I’m learning 

is how to step away from work. 

Being a blogger, my home life, 

work life, and social life, can 

become a little tangled, and so I 

really hope that I’ve managed to 

find some balance between them 

all. That I’ve learnt not to have my 

phone in my hand five hours a day 

(shudder), and not to feel guilty for 

stepping away from work when it’s 

time to play, because you’re never 

going to regret finishing early 

one evening to go out for dinner, 

a film, a meal, a walk round the 

park – those moments are the 

cherry on the top and hey, I have 

an extremely sweet tooth. >>> 


If you’re having a tough 

time, there is only one 

remedy. Laughter – and 

lots of it 

When you’re reading this, 

future Anna, ultimately I hope 

you are happy. I hope you’ve had 

a rollicking good time so far. I 

hope you finally have a garden! 

A house! I hope you managed to 

have a family of your own, and cry 

through every single Nativity play 

and carol concert like mum did at 

ours. And if not, I’m sure you’re 

a cracking auntie. I hope you’ve 

continued to flex your creative 

muscle in your job, and I hope 

whatever you’re doing for your 

career still makes you as happy as it 

makes me now. 

Life has probably thrown a couple 

of curveballs at you over the years, 

and I’m sure they’ve made you 

stronger. Loss completely sucks, 

and is inevitable as you get older, 

but I have no doubt that you would 

have developed a way to cope – and 

that it’s made you more thankful 

for the people in your life, and has 

given you even more of a reason 

to spend quality time with your 

nearest and dearest. 

If you’re having a tough time, 

there is only one remedy. Laughter 

– and lots of it. Remember when 

you and Mark used to crank up the 

Sonos (I’m guessing these are as 

archaic as a cassette now), dance 

around the kitchen, and give your 

neighbours a show that Craig 

Revel Horwood would have given 

a two? Or that time when Sammy 

jumped on top of the footstool and 

sang Britney Spears like her life 

depended on it? Call your friends 

immediately and book in a karaoke 

session. Is No Doubt’s ‘Don’t Speak’ 

still your karaoke song? 

Essentially, future self, I hope 

you’re happy, healthy, loving life, 

and still learning – and that you 

continue having a hella load of fun. 

Anna is a content creator and author 

of the life organisation manual ‘An 

Edited Life’ (Quadrille, £16.99). 

Follow Anna Newton on Instagram 

@TheAnnaEdit for more. 


SIX BORDERLINE PERSONALITY 

DISORDER MYTHS DEBUNKED 

Most of us, at some point in our lives, will have felt a little lost, or numb. Unsure of 

who we are. But for those with BPD, this sense of instability persists throughout 

their life – in their relationships, their behaviour, their thinking, and even their own 

identity. Here we delve into the truth about BPD, and those experiencing it 

Writing | Hattie Gladwell 

We all know the 

battle we’re fighting 

against the stigma 

around mental 

illnesses. Gradually, 

understanding is growing that they 

are just that – illnesses. We don’t 

control or choose to have them, 

and while it’s scary to reach out 

and accept help, it’s something that 

can help us to manage them in the 

long-run. 

But then we have personality 

disorders. Illnesses, just like the 

rest, and yet for those diagnosed, 

the very nature of the name 

means that misinterpretations are 

easily made, and it can feel like a 

person’s character is under attack. 

The stigma for these is still all 

too real, and one such condition 

you may have heard of, but don’t 

truly understand, is borderline 

personality disorder (BPD). 

Also known more recently as 

emotionally unstable personality 

disorder, BPD often emerges 

during adolescence, and continues 

into adulthood. This means it can 

be incredibly difficult to recognise, 

given it’s a typically emotionally 

tricky time for teenagers anyway, 

with lots of hormonal changes 

affecting them. 

Additionally, due to the 

similarities between other 

conditions – such as depression 

and bipolar disorder – borderline 

personality disorder can be difficult 

to diagnose quickly, and just as 

difficult to treat. 

But the good news is borderline 

personality disorder is treatable, 

people can learn to live with it, and 

have a good quality of life. 

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF BPD? 

The main things to be aware of 

with personality disorders are that 

they tend to affect us through our 

behaviour, and connections to 

ourselves and others. You might 

be diagnosed with a personality 

disorder if you have difficulties 

with how you think or feel about 

yourself and other people, and are 

having significant problems in your 

life as a result. 

While it’s difficult to pinpoint 

a particular cause for triggering 

BPD, it’s believed traumatic life 

incidents could play a part, as with 

many mental illnesses. But if you 

think you may have it, the best 

thing to do is speak to your GP 

first, describing your symptoms 

and how you feel, in order to 

move forward with getting help 

and clarity. 

With so much stigma around the 

condition, which might prevent 

people from speaking out and 

reaching help, it’s essential we 

break down the misconceptions 

and uncover the truth about BPD. 

And so, here’s the truth behind six 

common myths about borderline 

personality disorder: >>> 


It’s essential we 

break down the 

misconceptions 

and uncover the 

truth about BPD 

BPD DOES NOT MAKE YOU 

A TOXIC PERSON 

There is a lot of stigma around 

BPD, despite it being 2019, folks. 

If you find YouTube videos, or 

articles involving a person with 

the condition, you’ll often see a 

lot of people calling them ‘toxic’, 

or telling people to ‘stay away 

from them’ in the comments. 

But people with BPD are not 

toxic; they are struggling. The 

issue with BPD is that, unlike 

other conditions, there is no 

medication to treat it. And so, 

it’s all about coping mechanisms, 

meaning it may take a sufferer 

a while to learn to manage it on 

a daily basis. Going through a 

bad patch with BPD means this 

person is having a difficult time, 

and they need love and support 

to get through it – not fear, 

confusion, and judgement. 

BPD IS NOT AS EASY TO TREAT 

AS SOME OTHER CONDITIONS 

Some people are under the 

impression that all mental 

conditions can be helped with 

medication, but BPD is actually 

not one of them. While some 

people do take medication for it, 

experts are divided over whether 

this is actually helpful – and no 

medication is currently licensed 

to treat the condition. It’s not even 

recommended by the National 

Institute of Health and Care 

Excellence. Certain symptoms 

within the disorder may benefit 

from medication to manage, but 

not the disorder itself. Instead, 

therapies are usually suggested. 

So, the similarity to other mental 

illnesses here is that what works for 

one person won’t necessarily work 

for someone else – after diagnosis, 

it can be a period of time trialling 

out various methods to manage it. 


BPD IS DIFFERENT TO BIPOLAR 

DISORDER 

There is a lot of confusion 

between BPD and bipolar 

disorder – and often this is 

because bipolar disorder is 

abbreviated to BPD as well. 

But, bipolar is a mood disorder 

categorised by periods of mania 

and depression that can last for 

weeks at a time, while BPD is a 

personality disorder. 

BPD DOES NOT MAKE YOU 

A BAD FRIEND OR PARTNER 

– STRUGGLING WITH 

RELATIONSHIPS IS PART OF THE 

CONDITION 

People with BPD tend to have quite 

intense friendships, due to one of 

the symptoms of the condition: 

having intense, but unstable, 

relationships with others. Because 

of this, a lot of people with BPD 

find maintaining relationships 

extremely difficult. Often they 

can be affected by a strong fear of 

abandonment, and having very 

intense emotions. So, a person 

with BPD may get upset and obsess 

over things that a person without 

the condition wouldn’t be as 

bothered by. But this doesn’t make 

them a bad friend or partner, 

and it’s important that people 

understand the condition in order 

to better support and help their 

friends through this element of 

their condition. 

BPD AFFECTS MULTIPLE AREAS 

OF A SUFFERER’S LIFE 

BPD is categorised by four parts: 

emotional instability; disturbed 

patterns of thinking or perception; 

impulsive behaviour; and, as 

mentioned, intense but unstable 

relationships. It’s more than 

just having outbursts of intense 

emotions – though that is a large 

part. People with BPD often feel 

worried about people abandoning 

them – and would do anything to 

stop that happening. They don’t 

have a strong sense of who they 

are, and their personalities can 

change significantly depending 

on who they’re with. People with 

BPD feel lost and empty a lot of the 

time, and act impulsively, doing 

things that could harm them – 

such as binge-eating, using drugs, 

driving dangerously, or the overconsumption 

of alcohol. They can 

find it impossible to control their 

anger, and may have episodes of 

paranoia and dissociation. 

People with BPD often 

feel worried about 

people abandoning 

them – and would do 

anything to stop 

that happening 

PEOPLE WITH BPD ARE STILL 

PEOPLE – SO DON’T CATEGORISE 

THEM BY THEIR DISORDER 

Though in all honesty, the 

disorder does have the potential to 

consume a person, it is possible to 

learn to cope with it with the right 

help, and to find ways to handle 

situations – such as controlling 

their anger and emotions before 

they get too out of hand. But 

remember that BPD is an illness, 

and it needs treatment. So please 

don’t give up on someone just 

because they have the disorder. 

Be understanding, offer support, 

and don’t be too quick to misjudge 

them when they’re struggling. 

People with BPD can make the 

most loyal friends. 

For more from Hattie, follow her 

on Twitter and Instagram 

@hattiegladwell 



Photography | Tyler Nix 

“ 

Creative thinking inspires 

ideas. Ideas inspire change 

– BARBARA JANUSZKIEWICZ

I beat alcoholism and 

made a new me 

After years of misery and loneliness, Brian finally 

acknowledged that drink was slowly killing him. Now – 

after rehab, and with a renewed passion for friends, dance, 

and art – life has never been better 

Writing | Brian Parker 

No one sets 

out to be an 

alcoholic. It 

creeps up on 

you until you reach the 

point where you cross the 

line, and you are hooked. 

Then it destroys your 

life – physically, mentally, 

and spiritually. But you 

can recover. 

For me it was a very 

slow process. I drank 

every day for 25 years, 

and was probably hooked 

after about eight. But 

it was only in the three 

years before I stopped 

that it started to take over 

my life. 

Alcoholism is a 

progressive illness, and 

as long as I continued 

to drink my situation 

only got worse. As it 

progressed, it became 

more and more of an 

obsession. All I did was 

go to work (to pay for the 

booze), come home and 

drink until I went to bed, 

pass out, then get up and 

do it all again. 

It was slowly leeching 

my life away. By the end, 

I had no social life and 

I stopped doing all the 

things that make life 

worthwhile, like dancing, 

making art, and being 

with people. It was a sad 

and miserable existence. 

Then one Friday I came 

home from work, and had 

a nervous breakdown. 

This was partly because 

of the drink, and partly 

because I was overworked 

at my job. I was 

stressed and getting to my 

wits end. But this turned 

out to be my moment of 

clarity, and it made me 

seek professional help for 

the first time in my life. 

My doctor sent me to 

rehab at the Priory. They 

convinced me that I was 

an alcoholic, and that the 

solution was complete 

abstinence. They also 

explained that if I 

wanted to stop drinking, 

I couldn’t remain the 

person I was; that person 

drank. I had to change 

into someone who didn’t 

drink, and who was 

happy about that. 

For me it looked like a 

way to get my life back. I 

remember thinking: “If 

I could only get back to 

feeling like how I felt in 

my 20s.” 

All I did was go 

to work (to pay 

for the booze), 

come home and 

drink until I went 

to bed, pass out, 

then get up and 

do it all again 

Well, I can tell you, it’s 

turned out much more 

than that. In my 20s I 

never realised my full 

potential, or made proper 

use of my talents. 

For the first four years 

of my life without drink, 

I concentrated solely 

on recovery and getting 

better. At the start it felt 

like I’d had the stuffing 

kicked out of me. I had 

almost no spirit left, and 

I seemed to be living in a 

befuddled fog. 

So I set about changing, 

although it wasn’t easy. 

To get anywhere, I had to 

make a continuous effort 

every day. But slowly it 

worked. My joie de vivre 

began to return, and I 

started to become the 

person that perhaps I was 

always meant to be. 

After the first four years, 

I started to look outward 

and began engaging with 

the rest of the world. I’d 

always been a dancer – 

not someone who just 

gets up and dances now 

and then, but someone 

who is defined by the 

word ‘dancer’. 

So I started dancing 

again, in performing 

arts festivals and clubs. 

I made friends. Through 

them, I discovered >>>

5Rhythms, which uses 

dance as a moving 

form of meditation and 

spiritual practice. 

It took me out of myself 

and helped me to grow, 

to recover my spirit. I 

kept changing, I kept 

looking for more ways 

to help me grow and 

rebuild both my spirit 

and me. 

I became an 

apprentice shaman for 

a year, I became a reiki 

practitioner, I started 

drumming, dancing and 

singing in public for the 

first time at festivals, and 

I kept meeting more and 

more people, and making 

more friends. 

That was vital to my 

rebirth, for although I 

have been a loner all my 

life, I am a person who 

needs people, and that 

connection with people 

was a very important 

part of the changes I 

made to get well. 

Most of my life I had 

been held back from 

exercising my creative 

talents by crippling selfdoubt, 

so tackling that 

was the next step. 

I’d sung all my life but 

self-doubt and selfconsciousness 

meant I 

never let anyone hear 

me. I was hanging out 

with people who sang 

and I wanted to join in 

but couldn’t. 

Gradually, I came to see 

that facing these fears 

was the next step in the 

process of change. So 

I spent a year learning 

to play the guitar – and 

rehearsing three songs 

– and eventually made 

my debut at an open mic 

event in Southend. I was 

shaking so much I could 

hardly finger the chords 

on my guitar, but I knew I 

had to do it. 

And I stuck with it, to 

the point where I formed 

a rock band called 

WorkInProgress. I was 

not only getting my life 

back – I was creating a 

new and better one. 

Also around this time, 

encouraged by some of 

the new friends I’d made, 

I decided to put into 

action a dream I’d had 

since school days and 

return to university to do 

a degree in Fine Art. 

To do that I had to face 

some more self-doubt 

– although it was easier 

this time – and do an 

‘access to art and design’ 

course. It was during this 

particular course that 

the feedback I had from 

both tutors and my fellow 

students convinced me 

Brian’s solo retrospective 

show ‘The Journey So Far – 

It’s All About Me’ is at the 

Royal Opera Arcade Gallery, 

London, from 7 to 12 October. 

For more information, visit 

brianparkerartist.co.uk 

that I had real talent as a 

painter. 

I completed the first 

year of the Fine Art 

degree, but dropped 

out, as it wasn’t giving 

me what I was looking 

for. And by this time 

I was already having 

exhibitions and winning 

prizes for my art. 


Left: Brian exhibiting his work, Above: Brain’s original painting entitled, ‘Saturday Night 

Sunday Morning 3.24am’ 

Over the next few years 

I established myself 

on the local art scene 

and became quite well 

known. Then, two years 

ago, I thought it was 

time I got involved in the 

London art scene. 

I gradually 

tackled the 

elements that 

held me back 

I have spent a lot of time 

travelling up to London 

to meet people and make 

friends, and I’ve taken 

part in around a dozen 

exhibitions. All this will 

culminate in my solo 

exhibition at the Royal 

Opera Arcade Gallery on 

Pall Mall in October. 

So my message is: 

no matter how bad 

things are, you are 

able to change your 

circumstances by 

changing you. I was a 

loner with few friends, 

racked by self-doubt, 

with a negative outlook 

on life, and in the grip 

of the crippling disease 

of alcoholism. But I 

changed. 

I gradually tackled the 

elements that held me 

back from being fully 

me. I had to, otherwise 

the drink would have 

killed me. It’s not easy, 

and requires real effort. I 

did it because I thought I 

was going mad and then, 

as realisation dawned, to 

avoid death by alcohol and 

to get a new and better life 

back. You can do it, too. 


Brian’s story will resonate 

with anyone who has had to 

face major life changes. They 

can be frightening times and, 

like with Brian, its easy for 

people to feel lost and bereft. 

What his story illustrates 

perfectly, is those seminal 

moments actually create us, 

not destroy us. 

It’s easy to be afraid of 

change, however the really 

hard bit is trying to keep 

things the same when we 

know they aren’t working. 

Brian reached out to others, 

and made a commitment to 

himself. In doing so he set 

himself free to 

be the creative, 

happy person 

he is today! 

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr 

Life coach 


Mental health 

matters 

When endometriosis hit 

comedian and writer Eleanor 

Thom, she used her experience 

to fuel her performances. Her 

brutally honest and funny style 

puts an often misunderstood 

condition in the spotlight... 

Mental health matters to me 

because… I know now that my brain 

and my body are entwined, and one 

won’t work properly without the 

other. I spent a long time resisting, 

and trying to ignore the effect of 

endometriosis on my mental health 

– but it turns out you can’t separate 

them, they’re talking to each other 

behind your back. 

When I need support I… call my 

family and friends, even if we don’t 

talk about whatever is happening, 

sometimes I just need some 

distraction from the pain. 

Three things I would say to someone 

experiencing mental ill-health are… 

It will get brighter, hold tight – you 

can do this. Ask for some help; it’s so 

much harder to do it on your own. 

Try to keep talking about it – if it’s 

not possible with loved ones, ask for 

some professional support – it really 

helps to untangle it all. When it feels 

overwhelming, try to remember 

how well you’re coping, and think 

of something kind you could do for 

yourself in the interim – sometimes 

it has to be the little things that keep 

you going. 

‘Private Parts’ by Eleanor Thom 

is out now (Hodder, £18.99) 

The moment I felt most proud of 

myself is… on the way back from 

the Edinburgh Festival in 2013 after 

my solo show, exhausted and in a lot 

of pain, but I had finished 34 shows 

in 29 days, hadn’t had to cancel a 

single one, and all without a single 

painkiller. I never thought it would 

be possible. The day the publisher 

bought my book Private Parts was a 

pretty good day too! 

The main thing I want people to know 

about endometriosis is... it affects 1 

in 10 women – approximately 200 

million women worldwide – so you 

definitely know someone with it. 

It’s not life threatening, but it can be 

life-altering if women don’t get the 

right support and treatment. Keep 

going back until someone listens. 

And to those who ask: yes, it is a 

long-term thing, and no there isn’t a 

magic cure I haven’t heard of. 

One thing having endometriosis has 

taught me about myself is... while 

there are better and less persistent 

ways to have learnt this, it has taught 

me that I am strong, resilient and 

resourceful. You can (and must) 

have a full and wonderful life 

alongside this. 

When I’m lacking motivation I... 

let it be, and do something less 

exhausting – paint, knit, listen. I’ve 

learnt to allow for the moments 

of lethargy and being still. My dad 

taught me that sometimes you’re 

on the cusp of something creatively 

great in these moments too, which 

is reassuring. I try to think of it as 

marinating time – motivation will 

come back, it’s just hiding for a bit. 

The best lesson I’ve learned in life is... 

nothing stays the same good or bad, 

and there’s always time for a laugh. 

Photography | Emma Bullivant

Photography | Oliver Hihn 

“ 

Dwell on the beauty of life. 

Watch the stars, and see 

yourself running with them 

– MARCUS AURELIUS

We’ve helped more than 

1 Million 

people connect with a therapist 

using Counselling Directory 

You are not alone 

counselling-directory.org.uk

Happiful September 2019

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