Movement 100

il
FEAR, EMffiNESS, DESPAIR: AtilEEK
Wftl llM, llM stands for lesus ln Me.
Tines and is unwell. Take him to cat
vomitorium. Long queue of cats with
Kent County H, the governing body of
all Kent football (don't laugh). The
It's not that I don't think our nation is
morally unwell, it's just that I've got no
SID stands for Sin ls Death. Any cryptic
bits of magazines between teeth, Sleep
league chairman, Richard Hayton said,
intention of placing a serious illness in
signs saying'- 2 *' mean 'Minus to
happily and dream of editing P000ML
"There are several matters of faith over
the hands of quacks. (1997)
Plus'. And P000ML stands for Plss Orf
Tines, (1994)
which we differ but the main one is
Out A My Life. The first three belong to
probably that we disagree with the
OJPIII v 0ASIS Rock music and
JlM, the evangelistic advertising
MELID0VilN 0R TIIAW? How I laughed at
Mormons on who we believe Jesus was."
Christianity are such unhappy bed-
campaign that's sweeping the nation.
the news that the Methodist Church is
This is where the Serpent can help.
fellows. Noel Gallaghel the cocky, song-
The last one is my own. Not very good,
facing 'meltdown'.
I am happy io inform Mr Hayton that
writing bit of 0asis and not a theologian
but accurate and comforting. A quick
Meltdown implies overheating, a
Jesus was a creative left winger with
of note, amply proves my point. He was
diary:
Monday. Gambolling downstairs for my
surfeit of feverish activity But there's
not been much that's hot about
superb vision and an ability to please
the crowds. After beginning his career
asked recently if he was religious at all:
"l don't wear a crucifix for nothing you
breakfast Pop-Tarts, what should come
hurtling through my lefter box but a
Methodism since the turn of the
century-the eighteenth century-
with lowly Galilee Wanderers, he went on
to form his own team-the legendary
know..l don't know what it symbolises,
but I believe in a higher power I don't
copy of The llM l/mes Once past the
when the people in Scunthorpe and
lerusalem Left Footers-who enjoyed
believe that on a Monday morning some
dental ad on the front cove[ I discover
Skegness used to fall down in ecstasy at
three years of enormous success
white-bearded geezer with fucking
an article headed Gay Signer Changes
meetings, frothing at the mouth. I don't
before their inspirational player-
nothing to do created the planets.
His Tune aboul Simon foster; a gay pop
hear much ecstasy at my local church,
manager died strugging to get his head
Bollocls to that."
singer who has discovered God (yawn).
unless you count the faint smiles that
on to the end of a nasty cross, (1 995)
You will have spotted by now that
The article finishes thus: And now 9
flicker across the faces of the faithful at
deari young, expressive Noel is telling us
years later, a committed Christian and
the sight of Jammy Dodgers rather than
HERRING, RED During the media
that he is no literalist when it comes to
training for the ministry, Simon has a
Rich Tea biscuits at the post-service
ballyhoo surrounding the 0rdination of
Genesis. lt's easy to mock isn't it? But I
beautiful girlfriend and they hope to
coffee. And did you hear the er(cuses as
Women debate, much mention was
suspect some theologians would do well
marry soon'. Dash off to the vomitorium
to why young people don't go to church
made by the anti-ordination lobby of the
to take a leaf out of Noel's slim dictio-
cheered only by the unintentionally
anymore? Get this. lt's because of
potential blows to Anglican/ Catholic
nary, I mean, when Don Cupitt says:
homoerotic subtitle: 'Jim really worked
divorce. Yes. lt seems that so many
ecumenical dialogue were a'yes'vote to
"0utsidelessly there is only the solar
for Simon'.
young people have to pay weekend
result. Well, now we have a 'yes'. I know
flux of creation and the destrudion, the
Tuesday: Ganbolling downstairs, blah,
visits to the parent that they don't live
you will all join me in hoping that these
outpouring seff-renewing stream of
blah, blah.,. a copy of Rheinhard
with, that theyjust can't get to church. I
two great churches continue apace with
dancing and scattering energies+ead-
Bonnke's pamphlet From Minus to Plus
suspect there are plenty more basic
their passionate, high-profi le,
as-signs" doesn't he really mean to say:
hits the doormat...Read the first page,
things that make Methodist churches
pioneering, seltsacrificial and all-
"Life's fuckin' smart innit?"
renew my subscription at the vomitorium
unattractive: entrance halls decorated
consuming ecumenical activity. lt would
Likewise--pu'll pardon me
and proceed with lining of cat's tray.
like hospitals; Sunday School rooms with
be such a shame if this Synod decision
ramming my point home-when Liam
Wednesday:Cal brings in JIM Timesl
dreary pictures of Jesus knocking on
were to in any way slow down the trail-
Gallagher sings 'l\nd after all, pu're my
lined his tray with. This is one discerning
the door holding a Victorian gasJamp,
blazing process which we know was so
Wonderwall" l, for one, am pleased he is
puss. Read article called 'Stars for JIM'
or Boys Brigade shields that make you
close to resolution. ( I 993)
not singing 'At this particular point in
about born-again sportsmen: Bernhard
feel you've unwittingly enrolled into a
time, pu are promoting beneficial
Langer (putting Christ first), Kriss
public school; insipid tea and coffee
ARE MBOONS PRIMAIES? lf we are to
responses in my central nervous system".
Akabusi (running in chcles for Christ),
served in berylware, and endless
have a fat, balding man called George
lf it comes down to a choice
Cyrille Regis (know Christ, no goals)
sandwiches with potted meat in them;
running our nation's spiritual affairs,
between theology and rock music
and, stunningly, Ad Vatanen (on the
but worst of all, those noticeboards
why can't it be Boy George?
(unlikely, I admit) then I'd take rock
Christian rally circuit), Q,reue at the
outside, with posters printed on neon
I'm getting weary of George the
music and verbose, little Noel. Cos, after
vomitorium.
paper carrying unfunny slogans that
Balder's fortnightly proclamations of
all, life rssmart innit? (1995)
Thursday:BusIo work is held up in
scream, 'We live in a time-warp'. (1996)
'Moral Panic'. His latest'panic-bite'
traffic and man starts to read out bits
concerns the possibil'rty of Prince
ER, TllANlG May I say a wholly insin-
from the Bible and preaches a little
lfs ONLY A GAME lnternecine disputes
Charles re-marrying-which is hardly
cere thank you to the rather angry
sermon about he used to get frustrated
don't come any more sad and futile than
going to send us spiralling into a value-
reader from Cumbria who sent me an
by traffic but doesn't now that he's a
the current furore raging in the Medway
less dystopia. I think he sees it as a
unpleasant letter recentty pointing out,
Christian. He invites us fellow travellers
lnter-Church football League. The
marketing tool. lf he can get the nation
in the most hostile way imaginable, that
to a JIM service at a local mad-house
Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day
feeling 'morally unwell'then he is in a
SERPENT is an anagram of REPENTS. I
church. Man at front of bus loses his
Saints (Mormons to ignorami) in
good position from which to proscribe
would simply like to point out that it is
rag and tells the guy to 'P000Ml- good
Gillingham has been banned from
Christian'rty as the 'moral remedy'. The
also an anagram of TSEPENR, a
and fast. Argument begins, fther
playing in the local church league, The
problem is, as marking tactics go, it's
Russian word meaning'Please don't
passengers distindty uncomfortable.
Mormon eleven are justifiably furious at
Ratneresque, The more he attempts to
write to me anymore'. (1995)
Friday:Spend morning thinking of new
this rank display of religious intolerance
induce moral panic, the more he proves
acronyms for.llM. Cat has ealen llM
and have lodged an appeal with the
that the only botty leaking is his own.
THE SERPENT
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