Happiful March 2020

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH
“I am the
change
Same-sex routines
& slaying Strictly
in heels, trailblazer
Johannes Radebe
has arrived
“
MARCH 2020 £4.00
RELAX.
UNWIND.
DE-STRESS.
The formula to find calm
in five simple steps
Let your
light shine
Ooze confidence and
embrace your power
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MYTHS
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DIY wellness
&FRANKIE BRIDGE: “I have depression, this is who I am”
Mother Pukka
Addressing anxiety

Photography | Gift Habeshaw
“
To dance is to be out of
yourself. Larger, more
beautiful, more powerful…
– AGNES DE MILLE

Paving the way
How do we know who we truly are?
What moves and inspires us? The
things that spark the excitement and
passion we couldn't be without? It's
often in the most testing times that we
actually start to find out.
As Henry David Thoreau said: "Not
until we are lost do we begin to
understand ourselves."
In the midst of a mental labyrinth,
characteristics and elements of our
personality we never knew were there,
can rise to the surface.
We can find strength in our deepest
reserves, and hope in the dark.
This issue features countless stories
which empitomise that notion. People
who have struggled, and felt knocked
down, but who found a unique path
out. People revolutionising the world
and attitudes around them, to make
others' lives that little bit better.
The incredible Johannes Radebe has
been through some unimaginable
events, but through it all he learned
the power of embracing and putting
his true self in the spotlight. Loud and
proud, he's sending shockwaves
through Strictly, and setting fire to
gender norms.
We also chat to Mother and Papa
Pukka about their secrets to the
elusive 'happy ending' – and how it's
not the fairytale people might expect.
Whether we want to redefine our own
future, or inspire positive changes we
want to see in the world, I hope you
feel empowered reading this issue.
Happily ever after comes in many
forms – don't wait for the story
around you to unfold. Pick up a
pen, and write the
next chapter.
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR
W | happiful.com
F | happifulhq
T | @happifulhq
I | @happiful_magazine

Features
16 Johannes Radebe
The Strictly pro on family, bereavement,
and being a trailblazer for the LGBTQ+
community
32 Frankie Bridge
Star of The Saturdays opens up in our chat
about being a 'work in progress'
47 Helping hands
The story of how one woman
managed her trichotillomania with
a set of acrylic nails
73 Aiding anxiety
Ironically, getting help for anxiety
can be anxiety-inducing. Follow
our guide to reaching out
The Uplift
8 In the news
13 The wellbeing wrap
14 What is echoism?
Do you skip the spotlight to blend
into the background?
35 DIY wellness
Discover the creative activities that
could help you unlock mindfulness
90 Quickfire: MH Matters
Lifestyle and
Relationships
27 Get moving this March
28 Ditch diet culture
Columnist Grace Victory explores how to
break self-deprecating cycles
52 Easy lovin'
Learn how to follow your feelings and
restore balance with your partner
76 Meet the Pukkas
Bloggers Mother and Papa Pukka get
honest about long-term relationships
Life Stories
39 Sarah: Prioritising myself
Sarah's world was consumed by her
eating disorder, but with time and
patience she found her happiness
57 Naphtaly: Breaking free
PCOS controlled Naphtaly's life and led
her to depression, until she had an idea
that changed everything
87 Henry: Building dreams
Henry was living in deep depression
before he met a counsellor who
reignited his passion for life

Our team
EDITORIAL
Rebecca Thair | Editor
Kathryn Wheeler | Staff Writer
Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls,
Becky Wright | Writers
Grace Victory | Columnist
Lucy Donoughue | Head of Content
Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor
Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
ART & DESIGN
Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director
Charlotte Reynell | Graphic Designer
Rosan Magar | Illustrator
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus
PR Officer
alice.greedus@happiful.com
Food & Drink
62 Plate-up pasta
Delve into these delicious, body-boosting
pasta dishes
64 10 nutrition myths
We break down food myths so that you
can live your healthiest, happiest life
Happiful Hacks
24 Ask for what you need
44 Explaining your time off
60 The anti-stress tool kit
80 Embrace your power
Culture
30 Ask the experts: burnout
Our career coach gets get to the root
of the problem
42 Our top picks this month
50 Sarah Greenidge
Uncovering the truth about the
wellness industry
68 Taking a stand
Louisa Reid's latest book explores what it
means to back yourself
70 Therapy with a point
What to expect from acupuncture
83 Konnie Huq
The presenter and author on girls in
STEM, and not conforming
CONTRIBUTORS
Gemma Calvert, Fiona Thomas,
Katie Conibear, Salma Haidrani, Jenna Farmer,
Sarah Young, Naphtaly Maria Zimmerman,
Henry Grace, Sylvia Mac
SPECIAL THANKS
Paul Buller, Tom Buller, Krishan Parmar,
Alice Theobald, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Bethyn
Casey, Laurele Mitchell, Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, Sarah
Lane, Peter Klein, Josephine Robinson, Letesia Gibson
MANAGEMENT
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
Emma White | Director & Co-Founder
Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
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Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory,
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Expert Panel
One undeniable truth is that
finding the right help for each
individual is a journey – what
works for one of us will be
different for someone else. But
don't feel disheartened if you
haven't found your path yet.
Our Happiful family can help
you on your way. Bringing
together various arms of
support, each of our sister
sites focuses on a different
method of nourishing your
wellbeing – from counselling,
to hypnotherapy, nutrition,
coaching, and therapy.
Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver
information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
DR KALANIT BEN-ARI
BA MA PhD psych
Kalanit is a relationships
counsellor and public
speaker.
BETHYN CASEY
BA
Bethyn is a counsellor who
offers creative therapy to
her clients.
LAURELE MITCHELL
BA (hons) PgDip MNCS Snr Accred
Laurele is a counsellor with
experience working with
couples and families.
SARAH LANE
BSc MSc MBACP
Sarah is a counsellor and
mindfulness teacher offering
personal therapy.
Rav's review
We’re all inherently impacted
by the relationships we’re a
part of – they play a huge
role in our lives, and each
relationship we have is a part
of us. In this month’s issue
there’s a host of practical
and insightful tips on how to
better manage them, as it’s
not always easy. The advice
on page 24 is particularly
helpful, highlighting
the benefits of open
communication. Given that
this allows for connections
and understanding, it is
vital for a relationship to
function healthily. Expressing
yourself and being listened
to is the starting point for all
meaningful relationships.
RACHEL COFFEY
BA MA NLP Mstr
Rachel is a life
coach encouraging
confidence.
PETER KLEIN
BSc PGDip CBT MA BABCP
Peter is a cognitive
behavioural
psychotherapist.
DR LAURA WYNESS
PhD MSc BSc RNutr
Laura is a registered
nutritionist, working in
research and comms.
GRAEME ORR
MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind
Graeme is a counsellor
working with both
individuals and couples.
JOSEPHINE ROBINSON
DipCNM ANP
Josephine is a nutritional
therapist, and yoga and
meditation teacher.
LETESIA GIBSON
Dip BSc Psych & Sociology
Letesia is a creative
career coach specialising
in burnout.
RAV SEKHON
BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor
and psychotherapist
with more than 10
years' experience.
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Learn more about this hair-pulling condition and how it's treated
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The Uplift
KIDS
Photographer
proves boys can
have a royally
good time, too!
What makes a princess? For so long,
we’ve been told that princesses are
‘just for girls’. But that’s changing,
and Chicago-based photographer
Kitty Wolf is behind a new campaign
showcasing the joy that comes with
unreserved self-expression.
During her time working as a
princess performer, Kitty started
to spot something that didn’t sit
right with her. Time and time again,
she would see little boys watching
longingly from the sidelines at
parties. And when she attended
an event dressed as Elsa, only to
find one particular little boy just as
excited to see her as the girls, she
decided to do something.
Kitty created a celebration of the
joy that can be found in dressing
up as your favourite princesses
regardless of gender, in a photo
series that sees boys captured with
their favourite princess performers.
Speaking of the photo series, one
boy’s mother said: “A child’s gender
doesn’t dictate the toys they want to
play with. Or the clothes they wear.
Or their favourite colours. Or their
emotional response to things. Let’s
celebrate kids for their kid-ness, and
let them be little!”
Find out more about the campaign,
and browse the full photo series, at
boyscanbeprincessestoo.com
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Molly attends Huntington
House’s ‘Knit and Natter’
CHARITY
‘Close-knit’ community brings
pride and purpose to residents
What’s better than a cuppa and
a catch up? According to the
residents of one care home, having
a ‘Knit and Natter’.
Offering a place to regularly meet,
chat, and raise money for charity,
the ‘Knit and Natter’ group at
Huntington House care home, in
Surrey, is helping to create a sense
of pride and responsibility among
its residents.
Now an integral part of member’s
lives, the group helps residents
to rekindle fond memories and
make new connections, and has
quickly expanded to include staff,
and members of the local Women’s
Institute.
But the social benefits are just
one side – the group knits items
to support charitable projects
including brooches for the Poppy
Appeal, and blankets and hats for
hospitals in the UK and South Africa
to keep premature babies warm.
Director of Huntington and
Langham Estate, Charlie Hoare,
said: “When you become reliant on
others to care for you, you can feel a
loss of self-worth. But finding a way
to help others can often make up
for losing the independence to look
after yourself.”
What a perfect way to spread a little
warmth and cheer, wool-dn’t you
agree? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
WORK
Loosen your tie
– work is getting
more casual
Love casual Fridays? Well, new
research suggests Monday to
Thursday is getting less rigid
too, as a poll carried out by
Accountemps saw 91% of
US managers agreeing that
workplaces are less formal
than they were 10 years ago.
So what’s behind the shift?
Managers speculate that more
relaxed social norms, and
organisations catering to a
younger workforce, are behind
the more laid back vibe.
Where tattoos, piercings, and
dyed hair were once a no-no in
the office, a third of managers
now agree that they’re
sufficiently professional. Even
the London Metropolitan
Police has relaxed a ban on
recruiting people with tattoos,
saying they now consider body
art on a “case-by-case basis”.
But it’s not just the way
we look that’s changing
office culture, the way we
communicate is, too – with
30% of managers saying emoji
use and casual lingo is now
more prevalent in emails.
Self-expression is at the
core of who we are and,
considering we spend an
average of 3,507 days at work
in our lifetime, being our true
selves full-time can only be a
good thing.
Writing | Kat Nicholls
March 2020 • happiful.com • 9

“
Love only grows by
sharing. You can
only have more for
yourself by giving
it away to others
– BRIAN TRACY

ANIMALS
Parrots prove
sharing is caring
You might know them for their quick
wit and shrill catch-phrases, but new
research shows that parrots may
have a softer side.
In a trial published in Current
Biology, African grey parrots – which
were first trained to understand
that small metal tokens could be
swapped for a food treat at a specific
‘exchange window’ – had their
compassion put to the test.
In the experiment, one bird was
given a pile of tokens but no window
to exchange them through. Next to
the first bird, another had no tokens,
but access to the window.
After some consideration, the
bird with the tokens began passing
them through the enclosure to its
neighbour, allowing it to access
a treat – despite the fact the treat
wasn’t shared.
Speaking of the experiment, Peggy
Mason, from the University of
Chicago, admitted she was stunned.
“I think they had the sense that this
was a useful token, and that it would
turn into food for the other bird,”
Peggy explains. “It’s surprisingly
giving, just because the only thing
the bird doing it gets is that warm
glow of helping.”
That’s a glow we’ll all be familiar
with as it turns out generosity is
interspecific, and that Polly is more
than happy to share the cracker!
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
March 2020 • happiful.com • 11

Take 5
Wordsmiths get ready… It’s not a race, but a chance to put your
mind through its paces. Relax, enjoy, and put your brains to the
test with this month’s puzzles
Wheels in motion
Using the letters in the word wheel no more than
once, make as many words as possible of three or
more letters, always including the letter in the centre
of the wheel. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a
time limit – three minutes, GO!
5 = word wizard
10 = gaming guru
15+ = Shakespearean superstar
D
N
T
R
I
T
A
U
E
Wordsearch
Flex those mental muscles, and find the 12
words in the grid below
R N C D N C B T G R
U R O W D Y O G A S
N C R N P M X G O Y
A W P I L A T E S H
D A N C E N O L Y C
Y L N U L B S C C T
M K T A P I I Y M E
J Y J U M P M C C R
U C Y C N L E B I T
T S W I M A E C G S
DANCE
CLIMB
WALK
SWIM
RUN
YOGA
PILATES
BOX
STRETCH
CYCLE
ROW
JUMP
How did
you do? Search
‘freebies' at
shop.happiful.com
to find the answers,
and more!

Going up
‘Dinosaurs in
love’. Google the
song, but have
tissues at the
ready
Chin chin!
Drinking three
cups of a tea a
week linked to
longer life
Beer yoga
– yes, it really is
a thing!
Liar liar...
Study finds
people care
more about
appearing
honest, than
telling the truth
330% more
children admitted
to A&E for their
MH in the past
decade
Going down
The
wellbeing
wrap
Starry-eyed
In a landmark
achievement, scientists
have taken the world’s
most detailed pictures
of the Sun’s surface. The
patterns of boiling plasma,
looking like ‘cells’, are
each the size of Texas! The
secrets of the universe are
starting to unfold...
ARE OFFICE ROMANCES
A THING OF THE PAST?
Times are changing, and while 30 years ago, one in
five couples met in their workplace, a new study says
its now it’s only one in 10. The research, from Stanford
University, revealed that instead of stolen glances
over the printer, online dating and apps are now the
most popular way to meet your other half. We might
have fewer stories like Tim and Dawn, but it’s a new
love story for the digitial age.
WITH MORE THAN
86,000SQ FT OF OPEN
SPACE, BROMLEY HAS
BEEN NAMED THE BEST
LONDON BOROUGH
FOR WELLBEING.
IT CAME OUT TOP
AFTER BEING RANKED
ON HEALTHCARE,
PARKLAND, AND SPORTS
FACILITIES – OTHER
AREAS TAKE NOTE!
Good news – there’s no
need to feel guilty for hitting
that snooze button. Experts
have revealed that getting
a good night’s sleep could
be as good for you as going
to the gym. It’s because
when we’re tired, we tend to
choose more calorific foods
and have higher cortisol
levels – time for a self-care
duvet day?
Zzz
READ ALL ABOUT IT
Love lives aside, there’s been a surprising shift
away from tech elsewere. In a recent US poll,
it was revealed that Americans visited more
libraries in the past year than cinemas, or any
other cultural activity. On average, adults went
10.5 times. In another nostalgic throwback,
maybe Arthur the aardvark was right – having
fun isn’t hard, when you’ve got a library card!
FANCY A ROAST?
A study from Appalchian
State University, USA,
has found that a bit
of banter between a
couple could be the
secret to a long-lasting,
happy relationship. A
bit of friendly teasing
lets your partner feel
‘seen’ by recognising
their special little quirks.
Lovely!
#REPRESENT
“Imagination,
life is your creation.”
Barbie is certainly
imagining a brighter future,
with the launch of a new range
of diverse dolls for its collection.
Including one with no hair,
and another with vitiligo,
it’s a fantastic move for
representation and
empowerment.
Work it!
With so
much of our
lives spent at
work, more and more companies
are realising the importance
of nurturing their employees’
wellbeing. But what actionable
steps can people take in 2020?
According to research from the
PwC Health Research Institute,
the top focuses should make it
clear wellbeing is a priority, and
encourage individuality, so people
can find wellbeing practices that
work for them.
Pace yourself
Are you a known dawdler, or
basically the real-life Flash?
It could be time to pick up
the pace... A new study has
revealed that our walking speed
can actually indicate our life
expectancy, with those who walk
faster expected to live 15 years
longer.
The research from the
University of Leicester, discovered
that people who walked up
to 100 steps per minute had a
higher life expectancy that those
taking 50 steps per minute.
While it doesn’t directly prove
that walking fast will give us
more years, it certainly shows a
correlation. Perhaps it’s time
to lace up those trainers
for a speed walk around
the block!

What is
echoism?
Afraid to step into the spotlight, or put your own voice and opinions out there?
If you’re more comfortable blending into the background, and mirroring those
around you, you may be displaying echoist behaviours...
Writing | Fiona Thomas
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
You’ve probably heard
of narcissism before
– and may even know
a narcissist yourself.
Well those who might
display a lack of empathy, an
inflated sense of self-importance,
and a need for attention, actually
have an opposite, which you may
not be as familiar with – echoists.
Are your friends and family
always encouraging you to open
up about your feelings? Do you
feel sick whenever you get a bit
of limelight? Do you actively
downplay your successes to avoid
any unwanted attention? Do you
struggle to describe what your own
personal interests and hobbies
are, finding it easier to latch on to
things that your partner enjoys?
These are just a few red flags
which could mean that you are
experiencing echoism.
14 • happiful.com • March 2020

THE STUFF OF LEGEND...
The name for the mental health
disorder narcissism was actually
inspired by a Greek mythological
character. Narcissus was so selfobsessed
that he was cursed to fall
in love with his own reflection,
and part of his story involved his
partner Echo – a forest nymph who
was punished by the goddess Juno
for talking too much. Echo’s ability
to express herself was taken away,
and in the absence of a voice of her
own, she was only able to speak
by repeating the last few words
she heard from others. This is
where the term echoism originates
from and, as with the myth, the
behaviours are often intertwined.
Cognitive behavioural
psychotherapist and Counselling
Directory member Peter Klein says:
“Sufferers with such tendencies
will often have had a narcissist
as a parent. Narcissists tend to
have opposite tendencies and use
sufferers to fulfil their own needs
and desires, which can make the
tendencies of echoism even worse.”
RECOGNISING THE REFLECTION
Coined by Harvard Medical School
lecturer Dr Craig Malkin, the term
echoist describes someone who, like
the Greek nymph Echo, struggles
to have an autonomous voice. They
tend to emphasise other people’s
needs over their own, and have
difficulty accepting compliments.
In more serious cases, sufferers
can’t define their own identity
because they automatically take on
the interests and desires of those
around them, leaving no room for
their own preferences. Echoism is a
personality trait, which is thought to
intensify as a coping mechanism in
response to living with a narcissist.
Echoists aren’t easy to spot and
they don’t present themselves as
you might expect. They are often
highly intelligent individuals who
are kind, supportive, and successful
to boot. But if you go against their
wishes, when they adamantly state
they don’t want a fuss (such as with
a surprise party), be prepared for
them to potentially kick off...
Echoists tend
to feel things more
intensely, and feel
more empathetic
than the average
person
ECHOISM IN RELATIONSHIPS
Echoists tend to feel things more
intensely, and feel more empathetic
than the average person. When
exposed to a narcissistic parent,
they often learn not to express
freely, because displaying emotions
evokes a negative response from
their caregiver. The child is
solely focused on managing the
overwhelming emotional needs of
the parent, leaving little room for
their own. The echoist will grow up
believing life is easier when they
take up as little space as possible in
a relationship, and will rarely share
their problems because they fear
burdening others. Ironically, they
often worry that they will appear
selfish and narcissistic.
Unfortunately, cutting off ties
with the parent in question
doesn’t solve the problem. In fact,
it can often lead to a noticeable
dip in self-esteem, and even
bouts of depression. “Self-doubt,
worries, and self-criticism are
accompanying features,” says Peter.
“These make it even harder for
the sufferer to express their own
needs and desires.” In some cases,
it then perpetuates the cycle and
makes the echoist the ideal prey for
another narcissist.
Echoism can play out in romantic
relationships, too. Women are
thought to be more vulnerable than
men, and children of narcissistic
parents often find themselves
drawn to one-sided relationships in
adulthood.
Those affected will gladly give
their partner attention, and shower
them with compliments, but
actively shun anything when it’s
reciprocated.
Platonic friendships can also act
as the breeding ground for this
counter-dependent behaviour.
Echoists give endlessly to
emotionally-needy friends, leaving
little room to talk about their
own problems. On the surface,
this suits the echoist just fine. But
in reality, it can cause complex
emotional, identity, and attachment
issues, which often centre around
excessive feelings of guilt.
REDISCOVERING YOUR VOICE
Treatment for echoism tends to
focus on teaching the person to
recognise their own behaviours,
and express the emotions that have
gone repressed for so long. Peter
says: “Understanding one’s own
needs in relevant situations, and
the practice of expressing these in a
graded manner, can be helpful. Due
to the complexity and individual
expressions of echoism, this is best
performed in conjunction with a
suitably trained professional.”
March 2020 • happiful.com • 15

Head
over heels
Breaking boundaries in the ballroom,
Johannes Radebe is the Strictly Come Dancing
professional who’s captured the nation’s heart – and
he’s certainly got our attention, too.
By performing in the show’s first ever same-sex
routine in 2019, and dancing up a storm in heels,
Johannes is shattering gender stereotypes and putting
representation on the map in mainstream media.
Yet the journey to utterly embracing himself wasn’t
always easy. But through bullying, homelessness, and
grief, he’s remained true to himself, and it’s
beyond refreshing...
Interview | Gemma Calvert
Photography | Paul Buller
Of all the hello hugs shared with celebrities, rarely have
I been as impressed as when Strictly Come Dancing pro
Johannes Radebe arrives at Happiful’s south London
studio, wrapped up against the January frost in a
woollen pea coat and oversized scarf. A big grin is
pursued by an even bigger, heartfelt embrace, and in 10 seconds
flat, I’m sold.
After 22 years of dance training, the South African-born star
possesses a body built of muscle, but his character is gentle and
beautifully exposed. After sinking into a leather sofa at the rear of
the studio, away from the hubbub of photoshoot preparations, the
dancer and choreographer is instantly at ease. He underscores what
he says with smiles aplenty – like when he expresses adoration for
his “best friend”, fellow Strictly pro Graziano Di Prima, who he was
with the night before, performing on the fourth night of the Strictly
Come Dancing live tour. >>>

“I spend every single day with him,
mostly because his girlfriend isn’t
with us. He hangs on to me for dear
life but, the truth is, we need each
other!” says Johannes, who joined
Strictly in 2018, but enjoyed his first
celebrity pairing in 2019 when he
and former Coronation Street actress
Catherine Tyldesley coupled up.
They lit up the dance floor until
week six.
Touring with the Strictly pros,
enthuses Johannes, is “like being on
holiday with your best mates” and
even though many have secured
lucrative gigs outside the hit BBC1
show – such as Oti Mabuse on The
Greatest Dancer, and AJ Pritchard
who joined RuPaul’s Drag Race UK
as a dance coach – he insists there is
never jealousy between the cast.
“The pie’s big enough for
everybody. We don’t live in the
competitive world anymore. Not to
say that the competition isn’t rife
when we come to Strictly, because
we all want to win, but we’re all
different. We all have our qualities.
It’s so nice amongst the pros.
They’re all kind. It’s been so great.”
Now 32, Johannes finds himself at
a fascinating moment in his career,
and has every reason to be cheerful.
For one, he is finally at home in
his own skin. Three months before
we meet, a fortnight before he
and Graziano danced in the show’s
first same-sex routine, Johannes
slayed a pro dance sequence,
performing to ‘Fame’ in a pair of
high-heeled PVC boots. It set the
Twittersphere ablaze, with Strictly
fans commending him for breaking
the mould of gender stereotypes.
It also, he says, attracted a flurry of
praise from “older gay men” who
“identified with the boldness and
the confidence”.
“That was my coming out party
to the world,” grins Johannes,
revealing that when show bosses
proposed the idea he agreed, not to
publicly shout about being openly
gay, but to educate his extended
family back home. While Johannes
has “always known” he is gay and
never hidden his sexuality, he says
some relatives were still asking at
family functions when he would
“come home with a wife and kids”.
Johannes, who concedes that in
Africa there is a generational gap of
LGBTQ+ education and acceptance,
sighs. “It’s a reality, but we live
in such progressive times, and I
realised there’s no need to hide any
more,” he says. “The world has been
ready, all I had to do was embrace
who I am fully, fully, fully, because
that was always my fear – that sense
of rejection, that feeling of ‘if I do
this, what if somebody mocks me?
I don’t want to bring shame to my
family.’ It took me 32 years to finally
accept that and say, ‘Honestly, this is
my life.’”
Johannes believes historically
there’s been insufficient media
representation of LGBTQ+
minorities, but has observed
an improvement over the past
two years. He was “inspired” by
groundbreaking US series Pose,
which delves into the New York City
ballroom scene at the height of the
AIDS crisis, and accepts credit for
his own role in the acceptance of
greater diversity within society.
“I’m the change. Honestly, I see it
like that. I’m the first gay black man
on Strictly. I just think, good for you
Johannes. I’m proud!”
In the last series of the Danish
version of Strictly, a male duo
emerged victorious, and Steps
singer Ian ‘H’ Watkins and pro
The world has been
ready, all I had to
do was embrace
who I am fully,
because that was
always my fear
skater Matt Evers were paired on
this year’s Dancing On Ice. Surely it’s
time for Strictly to regularly feature
same sex couples, and to hell with
the armchair critics (Johannes
and Graziano’s dance attracted 189
complaints to Ofcom)?
“Out of how many million
viewers?” says Johannes, instantly
putting the protest into perspective.
“It’s good that the BBC have started.
Whenever they are ready to make
that step, they should know there’s
representation.”
For Johannes, who never thought
he would “have a voice”, being
a respected public figure is a
responsibility he cherishes. He’s
actively planning to align with
a LGBTQ+ youth charity, and is
intent on making a difference to
vulnerable youngsters’ lives.
“I hope with my actions I’m
breaking barriers, and bringing
comfort and assurance that it’s OK,”
he says. “Life gets better.”
Which is true. Johannes and his
elder sister Pearl grew up in the
small South African township of
Zamdela, raised by their mother
Jacobeth, and dad Benjamin.
Curiously, as he describes the
“very real struggle” of a “lack
of opportunity and finances”,
Johannes smiles. >>>
18 • happiful.com • March 2020

Suit | Ben Sherman, T-shirt | Reserved, Trainers | Lacoste
>>>
February 2020 • happiful.com • 19

Top & trousers | Topman
Dance was
my escape. It
became my
world, my refuge
“Going back home humbles me,
because you can see how they
[survive] with as little as they have,”
he says. “As a child, I didn’t know
what we lacked, because I had my
dad and I had mum, and with all
that lack there was love – lots and
lots of love and encouragement.”
Johannes began dancing at the
age of seven, and at “10 or 11” got
his first pair of dancing shoes, a gift
from his dad.
“That was his way of saying ‘I
approve’. I was dancing my third
competition, and while he wanted
me to be a soccer star – he thought
dance was going to be a phase – he
gave me the freedom to explore.
Our neighbourhood wasn’t the
safest, so he loved that after school,
I had somewhere to go and I was off
the streets. Dance was my escape. It
became my world, my refuge.”
Johannes’ hobby and his
“flamboyant demeanour” made
him a target for bullies, but at
dance school and in the family
home, he was free. He adoringly
describes his mother as his “best
friend”, “queen” and “biggest
counsellor” – a woman who didn’t
bat an eyelid when she discovered
her teenage son squeezing his size
11 feet into Pearl’s high heels.
“I used to hang out with my
mother all the time, experimenting
with all these things in front of her,
and she just did not care, honestly,
and in that regard, thank God for
my mum,” says Johannes.
At school, the abuse Johannes
endured was predominantly
verbal, but on one occasion turned
physical when he got into a fight
with a bully, and the perpetrator
returned with a baseball bat.
“I thought ‘This is it.’ That’s the
worst it got,” shudders Johannes,
still grateful for the onlookers who
stepped in before damage was done.
The words fired at him as a young
boy, and the anticipation of physical
violence, must have been incredibly
wounding? He nods.
“It left me confused, feeling like
there was something wrong with
me. It was isolating. For the longest
time I thought ‘I’m not worthy,’
and ‘Why are you putting yourself
through this?’ I could have easily
left dance because it brought all
that attention to me but, at the same
time, it made me so happy.”
Adolence is rife with challenges,
particularly for LGBTQ+ teens – with
one study from the Children’s Society
revealing that half of gay or bisexual
14-year-olds had self-harmed.
20 • happiful.com • March 2020

Jacket & trousers | Scotch & Soda
It’s a devastating statistic, that
speaks volumes to under-supported
demographic, and one that Johannes
has seen play out in front of him.
“I lost a friend of mine. He was 10
or 11 and in school with me. Talk
about flamboyant and OTT, he was
mighty gay and he had it harder than
me. He deflected the attention from
me so many times, and protected
me. As young as I was, when that
happened, I understood where he
was coming from. He had it hard.”
His friend’s suicide wasn’t the
only loss Johannes experienced as
a youngster. When he was 14 his
father, who had then separated
from his mother, died aged 46
from tuberculosis – a neglected
disease which still kills more than
100,000 South Africans every year.
The heartbreaking period of grief
propelled Johannes to make a
life-changing decision, and accept
an offer to enrol at a dance school
for disadvantaged youngsters in
Johannesburg, 111 miles from home.
For four years, under the family’s
guidance and inspired by his dance
idols Bryan Watson, Jason Gilkison,
and Motsi Mabuse – who he now
works with on Strictly – Johannes
honed his versatility as a performer.
He trained in ballroom, Latin,
contemporary, jazz, and ballet, and
established a steadfast work ethic,
dancing in shopping malls and
parking lots to fund entry and travel
to national dance competitions. To
this day, he remains the undefeated
South African Latin champion.
Despite trying to continue his
studies, financial woes eventually
saw Johannes quit in favour of
employment in Johannesburg,
appearing in a stage show and
teaching dance to the elderly. But
for two years, before getting his
“break” on a cruise ship, Johannes >>>

lived rough, sleeping in the
doorway of a city-centre taxi rank,
and showering in shopping mall
toilet facilities, all so he could save
money to send home to his family.
It was during this ordeal that he
had the biblical verse ‘no weapon
formed against me shall prosper’
tattooed on to his ribs.
“That was my mantra for the
longest time. I come from a family
of very strong personalities. My
mother and my aunts are my pillars
of strength. But looking back, I
was so miserable, and I can’t tell
you where the courage to do that
came from,” says Johannes, quickly
correcting himself. “I actually tell
you lies. It was all because I needed
to provide for my family. That was
so important.”
It still is. Johannes sends home
a portion of his Strictly earnings,
but now the gesture comes without
sacrifice. He rents an apartment
in north London, and is househunting
in South Africa for his own
place, plus one for his mum.
I ask what his father would make
of his achievements. The question
prompts Johannes’ chin to fall to
his chest.
“Dad’s death was a sad one,
because it was quick. We were
very close…” he says, his voice
momentarily disappearing. “I think
dad would have been very proud.
Mostly, I think he would have been
shocked that I had the courage
to do what I’ve done. The fact he
didn’t get to see all this unfold
leaves me feeling sad at times, but
I’m happy I did it and I’m sure,
wherever he is, he is happy, too.”
As our time together draws to a
close, I wonder whether Johannes
unwittingly carried the shame he
endured as a boy into adulthood
I think dad would have been very proud.
The fact he didn’t get to see all this
unfold leaves me feeling sad at times,
but I’m happy I did it and I’m sure,
wherever he is, he is happy, too
and, if so, what effect his two gamechanging
Strictly performances
and the subsequent “incredible”
response of his wider family have
had on his mindset.
“Yes I did,” he confirms. “When
I’ve got people coming up to me,
saying ‘Johannes, you’re such a
wonderful person,’ I think ‘Maybe
there’s actually nothing wrong
with me, after all this time.’ It’s
a beautiful feeling. Being in this
country has been very liberating.
It’s nice to settle in a place where I
feel I’m seen, where there’s much
more freedom, and people are
more liberated and progressive.”
As Johannes has always sought
counsel from family and friends
who have kept him “in check”,
what is his advice to loved ones of
LGBTQ+ youngsters?
“Love and show support,” he
says firmly. “Make sure they
know there’s nothing wrong with
them. I’ve been blessed to come
across people who, when I was
being bullied in the middle of the
street, would bring it to order and
say ‘That’s not right.’ We need to
live in a world where we’re not
afraid to stand up to what’s wrong,
because what I do in my bedroom
has nothing to do with you. I don’t
dictate how you should live your
life, so why are you telling me how
to live mine?”
While Johannes’ last relationship
was three years ago and shortlived
– the nomadic life of a dancer
doesn’t always lend itself well to
long-term commitment – if the
right opportunity presented itself,
he would leap at the opportunity to
settle down.
“I wish I had a boyfriend. I’m
not saying it’s the one thing that’s
missing, but it would be nice to
come home to somebody. I’m not
young anymore! I would like to be
with somebody who’s going to take
this all the way,” he says, referring
to marriage and children.
As for the next step in his career?
That’s simple. “I want to continue
the Strictly journey for as long as
I can,” he says. “It’s a once in a
lifetime opportunity, – as long as
they’ll have me, I’ll come back.”
After the shoot wraps, I bump
into Johannes on the street outside
before he heads off to resume his
Strictly tour duties. “You can’t keep
away from me!” he laughs, and
there’s no point denying it. When
kindness, graciousness, emotional
generosity, inner strength, and a
desire to help others combine, the
allure is truly captivating.
Johannes will be appearing in the
Strictly Professionals Tour from May
2020. Find him @johannesradebe on
Instagram.
22 • happiful.com • March 2020

Styling | Krishan Parmar
Grooming | Alice Theobald at Joy
Goodman using Morgan’s Pomade
and Babyliss Pro
February 2020 • happiful.com • 23

How to ask for
what you need
in a relationship
Communication is often considered a secret ingredient for happy
relationships, but it doesn’t need to be complicated – or secret
Writing | Kat Nicholls Illustrating | Rosan Magar
I
think I need time alone,” my
boyfriend said, looking a
little exasperated on a recent
Sunday evening. We hadn’t
been arguing (in fact we’d had a
really nice day together), although
I had noticed a shift in his mood as
the day went on.
After a slightly confused and
defensive facial expression from
me, he explained what he meant.
As an introvert, an empath, and
someone who struggles with
depression and anxiety, quiet time
alone is something my partner
needs at the weekend to feel
recharged and ready for the week
ahead.
It had taken a year of us living
together for him to: a) realise that as
much as he loves me, he still needs
time away from me; and b) that it
was OK for him to ask for this.
Once he explained why he needed
alone time, I felt a little swell of
pride. Depression has a habit of
swallowing your self-worth, so
allowing himself to be vulnerable,
and asking for something he
needed, felt like a milestone.
Since then, we’ve both been more
open about what we need, whether
“
it’s a couple of hours alone in our
local cafe, or for us to share the
house admin a little more. It’s
taken a little navigating, but has
helped us both thrive within our
relationship.
Often, when we’re in long-term
relationships, we can feel that our
partners should know what we
need intuitively. We expect them
to read our minds, and we sit with
frustrations bubbling under the
surface when they don’t. Then,
one day, we hit boiling point,
culminating in an argument
involving demands, heightened
emotions, and blame.
If we can get to a place where
we can ask for what we need in
relationships before this point, it’ll
save a lot of heartache. OK, ready
to ask for what you need? Follow
these steps:
1 PLAN WHAT YOU
WANT TO SAY
Understanding what it is you really
need can take some self-reflection.
Take your time over this. Give it
some space, think through what
you want to say, and plan how
you’ll say it.
Remember that we’re all worthy
of feeling happy and fulfilled in
our relationships. Asking for what
you need isn’t being demanding,
it’s showing a commitment to
communication that will have only
positive ramifications for your
relationship.
2 CHOOSE YOUR
TIMING WISELY
What we need often comes to the
front of our minds when we’re
not getting it, and sometimes
this happens during a heated
discussion or argument. Try your
best not to bring it up then. Wait
until you’re both calm, and pick
a time when you can give the
discussion the space it needs.
3 AVOID PLAYING THE VICTIM
It can sometimes feel like we
shouldn’t have to voice our needs
(especially if they seem pretty
obvious to us), which can lead to
frustration and passive aggression.
If this happens, it can be easy
to play the victim when the
discussion takes place.
However, when you use
victimised language, you end up
24 • happiful.com • March 2020

When expressing what you
need, do so from a place of
honesty and authenticity, not
from a place of entitlement
punishing your partner for not
knowing something you’ve never
told them. They’ll likely get upset
by this, and put up walls of defence
in reaction. This puts a stop to any
conversation and can cause further
arguments.
When expressing what you need,
do so from a place of honesty and
authenticity, not from a place of
entitlement.
4 USE ‘I’ STATEMENTS
With the above in mind, try to
stick to ‘I’ statements. Rather than
placing the blame or responsibility
on your partner by telling them
what they’re not doing, such as:
“You’re always on your phone”,
keep the conversation centred
on what you need and how your
partner can help – “I need to feel
more connected to you when we
talk, and feel you putting your
phone down during discussions
would help.”
5 AND IF YOU’RE ON THE
RECEIVING END…
Don’t panic! The fact that your
partner is talking to you about
what they need means they care
about the relationship, and want
it to flourish. Feeling defensive is
natural, but try to remember this
is not about anything you’re doing
wrong. It’s about what your partner
needs to feel fulfilled.
Understanding
what it is you
really need can
take some selfreflection
Encourage them to explain more
about how you can help them,
and if it’s something you feel
unable to give, try to work out a
compromise. Now is also a great
time for you to consider what you
need in the relationship. If your
partner has opened the doors of
communication, keep them open.
March 2020 • happiful.com • 25

Photography | Sept Commercial
“
We rise by lifting others
– ROBERT INGERSOLL

Moving
on up
Most of us know exercise
is good for both our
mental and physical
health, but it’s not just
through running and
hitting the gym that you
can reap the benefits.
Here we’ve pulled
together five adventurous
ideas packed with mental
health benefits. Ready,
set... go!
Writing | Kat Nicholls
1 Skydiving
Jumping out of a plane may not,
at first, seem like an enjoyable
activity – but it turns out it could
be just what your mind needs.
Skydiving releases a huge number
of endorphins which can help ease
mild depression, and psychologists
say falling through the sky can
help us to put our emotions into
perspective.
Plus, you don’t have to jump
alone. Tandem skydiving lets you
enjoy the ride while safe in the
hands of an expert. To book your
first jump, visit goskydive.com
2 Team sports
All sports are great for your
health, but team sports in
particular have been found to
have beneficial effects. Working
with others towards a shared
goal is a lovely way to bond with
others, and our social connections
play a big role in emotional
wellbeing.
Head to beinspireduk.org for
ideas and ways to get involved,
or simply do an online search
for team sports in your area.
Many team sports can be adapted
for differing abilities too, visit
parasport.org.uk for more
information.
3 Nordic walking
If you’re already an avid walker
and want to step up your game,
try Nordic walking. Using two
poles to harness the power of
your upper body, the Nordic
walking technique helps you
propel yourself forward, and turns
walking into a full-body exercise.
The poles also take some weight off
the knees and lower body joints,
making it suitable for all ages and
fitness levels.
Visit nordicwalking.co.uk to learn
more and to find a local instructor.
4 Surfing
From Cornwall to Scotland, the
coastlines of the UK have some
great surfing spots. Being at one
with nature, and the adrenaline
rush you get after catching
the perfect wave, makes it an
unsurprisingly great activity for
your mental health. Apparently, just
30 minutes spent catching waves
can reduce negative thoughts, and
decrease self-destructive behaviour.
Wave Project is a mental health
surfing charity that can help you
use surfing as a coping strategy.
Head to waveproject.co.uk to find
out more.
5 Horse riding
Horses are used as therapy aids
because they’re incredibly intuitive
and have the ability to mirror your
feelings. This can make horse
riding especially beneficial for
those living with mental illness.
Horse riding is also accessible for
all abilities – the Riding for the
Disabled Association has nearly
500 centres across the UK, learn
more at rda.org.uk.
If you want to reap the mental
health and therapeutic benefits
specifically, search for equine
therapy services in your area.

Mental health and
diet culture…
with Grace
Our columnist Grace Victory has experienced first-hand the alarming link
between mental health problems and our insidious diet culture. But, she
reveals, you won’t find real happiness and fulfilment in a smaller pair of jeans…
One of the many
reasons for my past
poor mental health
has been the link
between diet culture,
fatphobia, and the incessant belief
that I am not good enough. Do
you remember the first time you
saw something that made you feel
terrible about yourself? I don’t.
I just remember grabbing my
tummy at age eight, and wanting to
chop the chub off.
Diet culture is so subtle,
so sneaky, that we digest it
subconsciously throughout our
lives, especially as children. It can
be the ‘Are you bikini-body ready?’
ad on the Tube, the ‘Nothing tastes
as good as skinny feels’ quote on
Instagram, or ‘I just don’t think
women with big thighs should
wear mini skirts’ conversations you
hear at the office.
Diet culture is everywhere,
and deeply ingrained within
our society, because someone,
somewhere, is making big bucks
from making women feel like shit.
Keeping us hungry and counting
calories keeps us small – not
just physically, but mentally and
spiritually, too. It keeps us focused
on things that don’t actually matter,
so that we don’t have the mental
capacity or energy to take the
patriarchy down, or question the
beliefs that have been programmed
into us.
As children, many of us inherited
unhealthy thoughts and feelings
towards food and our bodies. We
were taught to count calories, no
carbs before marbs, no eating after
6pm, and that apple cider vinegar
would give us a six-pack. When
Slimfast was out, Slimming World
was in. When small bums were out,
big bums were in.
The ideals of how we should look,
and who we should be, change
constantly, so that we remain in
a vicious cycle of self-hate. And
guess what? The money keeps
rolling in to the corporations who
sell us the products or services
that will ‘fix’ us. This is a battle we
never win, because we – and our
bodies – are not the problem.
I remember a few years ago,
after finishing treatment for an
eating disorder, I was so incredibly
Keeping us hungry
and counting
calories keeps
us small – not
just physically,
but mentally and
spiritually, too
angry. I had realised that falling
into disordered eating and negative
body image is almost inevitable if
you simply look at the advertising
and messages we see and hear.
There is a narrative that you
are morally wrong if you don’t
conform to look a certain way. That
women should fall in line, and
never dare to break free from the
story that no longer serves them.
Diet culture is just another tool to
take away our power. We’ve been
brainwashed into believing that
our own intuition isn’t enough,
and that we cannot trust our
bodies to eat well. So, we allow
things outside of us to do the work
instead.
28 • happiful.com • March 2020

@GRACEFVICTORY
Grace recommends
Body Positive Power: How
to stop dieting, make peace
with your body and live
By Megan Jayne Crabbe
(Vermilion, £12.99)
Health at Every Size:
The surprising truth
about your weight
By Linda Bacon
(BenBella Books, £10.99)
This is why our relationship with
food – and ourselves – becomes so
skewed. We tear ourselves down
in any way that we can, and even
though 95% of diets do not work,
we blame ourselves if we don’t lose
weight. We exercise to look good,
despite feeling like utter crap. We
constantly think about our bodies
in a negative way, and every day
that goes past is another day of
self-loathing and self-deprecating
behaviour.
But we hardly see it, because it’s
normal to hate who we are, and
radical not to. We disconnect from
parts of us in a bid to become
smaller versions of ourselves. We
shrink, pick, and even cut away at
who we are, in the desperate hope
that we will find happiness in a
smaller pair of jeans.
And this was me, and sometimes,
it is still me. I’ve been so much
thinner than I am now, and it still
wasn’t enough. I got to my goal
weight and the goal changed, and
then all of a sudden I was Googling
boob jobs and bum lifts. It became
apparent that no matter what I
looked like, I still wouldn’t like
myself. It wasn’t my body after all.
Happiness and self-actualisation
cannot be found on the outside
– it is about the inner you. It is
about knowing who you really
were before you internalised
other people’s standards. It is
about setting your own standards.
It is about letting go of fear, and
instead choosing love. Life does
not begin when you’re thin. Life is
happening now. So, stop engaging
in behaviours, conversations, and
diets that make you feel like you’re
not good enough. You are.
Love
Grace
x
March 2020 • happiful.com • 29

Ask the experts
Career coach Letesia Gibson
answers your questions on
workplace burnout
Read more about Letesia on
lifecoach-directory.org.uk
QI am exhausted.
I’m in the
middle of a
big project at work,
and I can’t see things
getting better any
time soon. Every day is
hard. What can I do?
It sounds like your
A spiritual and emotional
energies are being
compromised. When we live
with compromise in things
like our values, expectations,
sense of reward, and control
or fairness, is exhausting. We
cope with this by going on
autopilot, withdrawing, and
giving up.
Immediate relief will come
from getting into your
body more often. It will
feel counterintuitive to do
more when you feel tired,
but gentle movement, like
walking or yoga, will help to
regulate your nervous system,
giving you fresh perspective
and a feeling of being in
control again. Getting out of
this dorsal state is necessary
for change.
This experience of work
isn’t working for you. Being
truthful about your mismatch
with it will give you clarity
on what about it needs to
change. That kind of honesty
is easy to say and hard to
do, but the energy you’ll get
back will be worth it.
Q
I think I need to
leave my job,
but it never
seems to be ‘the right
time’. I can’t afford to
leave without another
job lined up, so I’ve
been putting it off.
Can you help me?
AIt’s great that you’re
intending to leave a
job that’s burning you out.
But ‘the right time’ will never
emerge while in that draining
zone. We have to create the
fertile conditions for the new
strength and motivation to
grow, and the first step is
putting you first, more often.
Write down the good parts
of the day. Practise saying
‘no’ more often. Commit to
carving out time to start a
transition plan. Can you cut
down your hours, or take
some holiday? Before the
new job, you need to get
clear on what you actually
need to thrive in the next role.
When you know this, you’ll be
ready to start looking for a
new job, and see what new
energy you have for change.

Burnout
Q
I’m worried
about a
colleague.
They have become
detached and seem to
have lost their ‘spark’.
How can I support
them?
One of our fundamental
A needs is to be truly
seen, and when a person
becomes disconnected, they
have become invisible –
even to themselves. When
this is done with kindness
and compassion, it creates
a much-needed space for
connection.
Tips include keeping things
simple. Let them know
that you see them in this
struggle, and that you are
there for them. Have soft
eye contact. Be gentle with
your tone of voice. Choose
a place and time that fits
this more intimate moment.
Avoid speculating why this
is happening, or trying to fix
it. Be ready to listen. Don’t
get hung up on needing to
do something, or expecting
them to ask for something
in return. The very act of
seeing them is a powerful
support in itself.
Life Coach Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

AN OPEN BOOK
Frankie Bridge was first thrust into the spotlight as a member of S Club
Juniors, before going on to join the hugely successful girl group, The
Saturdays. But behind the scenes, things weren’t easy – and for a short
time in 2012, she found herself an inpatient at a mental health hospital.
For Frankie, this was an opportunity to speak about the realities of
mental health, and she hasn’t looked back since. Here, we catch up
about her new part-autobiography, part-self-help book OPEN, and
what it means to be a ‘work in progress’...
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Hi Frankie! Congratulations on
your new book, OPEN. Does it still
feel a bit surreal? It does! It’s weird
because people who I don’t know
are now getting to know me quite
intimately! But it’s good because
when I’m saying things that I’m
feeling, and seeing that others have
also experienced it, it makes me
feel less alone – at the same time
as making them feel less alone. It
was a difficult writing process, but
I enjoyed it. And now I’ve got the
end result, it was all worth it.
In OPEN, you’re asking people to
‘Speak out. Ask for help. And be
helped.’ Do you remember the
first time you spoke out about
your mental health? I went to the
doctor, I thought I was just tired.
He was the one who suggested I
needed some therapy, and that
was a weird moment because I just
couldn’t see it, it wasn’t something
that I knew anything about, or
that anyone had spoken about.
But it was after that that I realised
he was right, and I realised that
things weren’t quite as they
should be.
In 2012 you had a short stay in
a mental health hospital. Did
you have any preconceptions
about it before going in? In my
head, it was all padded walls
and being locked in your room.
It wasn’t like that at all, it was a
really comforting place to be, and
it was such a relief to be around
people who I didn’t have to lie to,
or pretend to be OK in front of.
It was just a massive weight off
my shoulders, and I didn’t really
expect that before I went in.
You then went on to talk publicly
about your stay. Was that a
difficult decision? No – it was
more that, at the time, the press
assumed that I had some kind of
addiction or eating disorder. No
one really thought about anxiety
and depression, and I just wanted
to raise awareness that there are
different things that people go to
hospital for.
How do you approach
conversations about mental
health now? I don’t always know
how to approach it with other
people, because everyone’s
different, and I don’t want to
frighten people off. But if anyone
asks me a question, I find it quite
easy to talk about my mental
health. It doesn’t mean if I’m
walking around and someone
asks me how I am, I’ll say, “Oh
I’m awful.” There are only certain
people that I tell. But it’s important
that I have those people.
As a mother of two boys, do you
talk about wellbeing at home?
I do try to but, though I struggle
with my mental health, I don’t
really know how to approach the
subject with them at such a young
Photography | Sophie Davidson
32 • happiful.com • March 2020

I have anxiety and
depression, this
is who I am, and
it is what it is
age. I just try to ask questions about
how they’re feeling. When they’re at
school, I ask them whether people
are being kind, are they happy,
and just reassure them that I love
them. When they’re scared about
things, I try not to just brush it off
and push it to the side – I try to be
understanding.
You call yourself a ‘work in
progress’, what do you mean by
that? I’m not going to be fixed. I
have a chemical imbalance in my
brain, and it’s not going to go away.
So every day I have to work on
getting up and staying positive. I’m
always learning what can press the
wrong buttons, and what presses
the right buttons. But I think that
comes with age and surrounding
myself with the right people. I’m
kind of accepting that this is who I
am. I have anxiety and depression,
this is who I am, and it is what it is.
Do you have a message for
someone who might be going
through something similar?
Knowledge is key. Know what is
happening to you, find someone
you can confide in, and don’t
give yourself such a hard time.
Remember, a better day is around
the corner.
‘OPEN’ by Frankie Bridge is out now
(Cassell, £18.99). You can follow
Frankie on Instagram @frankiebridge
March 2020 • happiful.com • 33

I am. I have
Megan Crabbe | Joseph Sinclair
THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST
SHAHROO IZADI MEGAN CRABBE
JAMIE WINDUST KIMBERLEY WILSON
• Listen • Like • Subscribe •
Listen to conversations with Jamie Windust, Megan Crabbe, Kimberley Wilson,
Shahroo Izadi and many others who share their passions, and
reveal the moments that shaped them.
34 • happiful.com • February 2020

crafting
From slow sewing to paper cutting, we explore the wonderful world of
mindful crafts and how they benefit our mental health
Writing | Kat Nicholls
Many of us know
by now that
mindfulness is a
pretty wonderful
thing. It can reduce stress and
anxiety, and generally help us to
maintain our mental wellness.
Mindfulness meditation is
often hailed as the ultimate
mindfulness practice. But the
brilliant thing about mindfulness
is that it can be tapped into in so
many ways. One creative idea is
to take regular crafting activities
and give them a mindfulness spin
by slowing down, and letting the
activity absorb your attention.
Counsellor Bethyn Casey
incorporates creative therapy into
her work, and believes crafting
can be ideal for those looking for a
different approach to mindfulness.
“There is something outside
of yourself to focus on – trying
to sit and meditate when our
thoughts are rushing can be
just what we need, and I would
never discourage mindfulness
meditation, but sometimes
a meditative state is hard to
achieve and a busy mind can be
frustrated further by the struggle
to relax on its own accord.
“Playing with colours, symbols
and shapes can be absorbing, our
attention focused on something
else, but ideally pressure-free,
and so we may more naturally
relax into a mindful way of
being.”
But the actual benefits go
beyond this. Research from the
British Journal of Occupational
Therapy suggests doing crafting
activities on a regular basis can
improve mood and increase
feelings of relaxation. And
Bethyn notes that being creative
in this way can ultimately help us
access difficult emotions, too.
“By crafting, we’re just letting
images, shapes, colours, and our
intuition, lead us in different
directions. Somehow the fun of
the objects themselves can mean
we drift out of boxed thinking and
discover that something within us
can quietly rearrange things in the
background.
“Suddenly we’ve put our tools
away, and whatever it was that was
stuck and knotted and inaccessible
inside has somehow formed itself
into something tangible that can
be touched and explored.”
Sometimes, focusing on
something external can help
us internally. If this sounds like
something you’re keen to try,
we’ve got some suggested mindful
crafting activities for you – get
your tools at the ready. >>>
March 2020 • happiful.com • 35

Paper
cutting
Paper cutting involves making intricate designs
using a craft knife and, traditionally, just one sheet
of paper. The entire process of paper cutting, from
designing to cutting, takes extreme focus and care,
making it an ideal mindful craft. When cutting, try
to focus your attention on what you’re doing and
take it slowly.
You might want to attend a class or follow online
tutorials to get started. Once you feel happy with the
technique, all you need is a template, a craft knife,
and a piece of paper – simple!
Macramé
Macramé is a type of textile made using knotting
techniques. You can use any materials that can be
knotted, such as cotton, twine, yarn, or even leather,
to create a beautiful wall hanging or plant holder.
The activity is both challenging to the mind (some of
the knots can be intricate), and relaxing as there are
often repetitive actions needed. This combination
can trigger a flow state, where you feel relaxed and
as if time is standing still.
Mindful
scrapbooking
Cutting and sticking in this way can feel incredibly
therapeutic, and it turns out there’s a reason for this,
as Bethyn explains.
“We can discover things about ourselves we didn’t
know – when collaging, we’re drawn to certain
types of images, shapes, and colours that resonate
with different meanings for us. By playing about
Use scrap cuttings for
your scrapbook
with them, and rearranging what goes where, new ways
of seeing old patterns appear; suddenly the world isn’t a
lonely place; we are our own friend, gradually discovering
new ways of relating to the world around us as we continue
to practise our craft.”
As a bonus, you get to keep your scrapbook after you’re
done! Pick a theme or simply let your intuition guide you!
36 • happiful.com • March 2020

Never underestimate the
power of a box full of craft
toys; they can open up a
whole different world inside
our own minds
Slow sewing
Instead of reaching for the sewing machine, slow
sewing is all about stitching a project by hand. The
gentle, focused nature of hand sewing makes it a
perfect mindfulness activity. It can also be nice to
try alongside other people, especially if you struggle
with social anxiety.
“Having crafting to focus on means the excess
energy anxiety brings can go into what we’re
creating, rather than building up within. Sometimes
being able to share a craft activity together quietly,
without the normal social pressures of having
to make conversation, can be in itself socially
fulfilling,” Bethyn says.
If you’re new to sewing, why not reach out to see if
anyone would be willing to help you learn and form
a slow sewing group? You might make some friends
while developing a new skill.
We know carving out time
for yourself can be difficult,
especially when the demands
of work and family seem to be
tugging at your sleeve. Having
a dedicated activity to turn to
can not only help you prioritise
‘you time’ (and make you excited
about it), it can help you switch
off from modern-day stressors
(yes, we’re looking at you
Twitter).
As Bethyn says: “Never
underestimate the power of a box
full of craft toys; they can open
up a whole different world inside
our own minds; it’s a world where
we get to make choices about how
we shape our creations, and this
can help us begin to make choices
about how we want to craft our
own lives.”
So, whether you’re a crafting
newbie looking to try something
different, or a dab hand with a
craft knife, you officially have
permission to get creative more
often. Trust us, your mind will
thank you for it.
Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to
find out more about Bethyn Casey,
mindfulness, and art therapies.
March 2020 • happiful.com • 37

“
Enjoy the little things, for one
day you may look back and
realise they were the big things
– ROBERT BRAULT
Photography | Natasha Kasim

TRUE LIFE
Learning to
choose me
Sarah’s world was consumed by her eating
disorder for more than a decade. It’s wasn’t an
overnight transformation, but with time, patience,
and understanding, she learned to embrace her
natural body as it is
Writing | Sarah Young
I
was terrified,
standing on the
scales, praying
that the number
would show a
drop in weight. I’d just
woken from a nightmare
where I’d gained two stone
overnight. When I opened
my eyes, my hands had
been running over my
protruding hip bones, even
in sleep, just to check that
they were still prominent.
I kept feeling like there
was a shadowy presence,
just out of the corner of my
eye, watching me. It felt
like death. I felt like maybe
I was ready for him.
It was early 2012 and I
was nearly 21. I’d been
living with an eating
disorder for almost a
decade. The reason for
its development can’t
be pinpointed to one
single event, but rather
a combination of many
factors coming together to
make the perfect storm.
This period was the
worst I’d ever been. My
brittle, dry hair fell out in
clumps in the shower. I
was experiencing memory
loss. I was dizzy a lot, the
world seemed grey, and
my senses were dulled as
if my brain was smothered
in cotton wool. I had
insomnia, and when I slept
I had nightmares. I was
entirely, unequivocally,
weary of being sick and
miserable.
I was weary of being
in a living hell. I was
weary with the despair,
the darkness, the anger,
and the devastation. I
was weary of the calories
circling around my head
all day and night. I was
tired of counting down the
minutes until I was ‘allowed’
to eat, of the starving and
compulsive exercising, and
eventually, the purging.
I was exhausted by the
intense fear I felt at going
anywhere near food, and
the utter desolation of my
mind and body that meant
I lived in a starving shell
that couldn’t function, and
a mind controlled by a
single focus: to lose weight.
A severe mental illness
caused by a combination
of genetics and my
environment was my way
of handling the world and
myself, but finally, after
eight years, I decided that
this could not go on.
At first, I viewed death as
the only escape from the
torment, but as moments
of clarity started to push
their way to the forefront of
my mind, the possibility
of recovery developed
from rejected thoughts to
cautious actions.
However, I was faced
with a world that seemed
to not want me to recover.
Not fully, anyway. It was as
if everything in the world
was screaming: “Recover,
but not too much. Gain
weight, but not too much.
Eat more, but not too
much.” I felt like the
world was asking me to
tone down my disordered
thoughts and behaviours…
but not too much.
I watched others call
themselves “recovered”
from eating disorders,
while closely restricting
their intake, and
controlling their exercise.
For me, that felt like still
being sick. It felt like
being better, but not well. >>>
March 2020 • happiful.com • 39

To hear more from
Sarah, follow her
journey on Instagram
@bodypositivepear
I felt like the world was
asking me to tone down
my disordered thoughts
and behaviours… but not
too much
It felt like still being inside
a cage, and not able to live
life freely.
But I found out, you can
push further.
I came across a blog that
suggested another way.
It suggested that we all
have our own individual
natural, healthy weights,
that our bodies need to
be at their healthiest. It
talked about eating freely
in order to recover from
eating disorders. It talked
about listening to your
body fully, and responding
to all the hunger that
recovery brings. It talked
about becoming friends
with your body rather than
treating it as the enemy.
It also led me to a website
that changed my life, and
made me realise that I
don’t have to engage with
diet culture, or live my life
trying to please society by
having the ‘perfect’ body.
Formerly known as Your
Eatopia, now The Eating
Disorder Institute, the site
taught me about health at
every size, weight set point
theory, and fat acceptance.
I decided to reject the
idea of an ‘ideal’ body.
But this wasn’t a decision
I made in an instant – it
took years of research,
getting involved with
feminism and the body
positivity movement, and
learning about the impact
of diet culture, and how
the diet and weight loss
industry intentionally make
us hate ourselves for profit.
It took deciding to be as
healthy and happy as I could
possibly be in both body and
mind. It took deciding to let
40 • happiful.com • March 2020

I choose my
health and
happiness over the
approval of others.
I choose me
OUR EXPERT SAYS
go of the importance that
I had placed on being a
certain weight.
I turned out to be one of
those people who naturally
have a higher body weight
than some. This can mean
dealing with increased
stigma around weight and
size, and knowing that
some people will look at
me and decide that I am
unhealthy/lazy/greedy,
while knowing nothing
about my lifestyle, or who
I am as a person. I am also
aware of my own weight
privileges, in that there are
people at higher weights
who suffer a lot more
stigma and discrimination.
My body is the size that
I can live my life as a
healthy and happy person.
If I wanted to be smaller,
I’d have to focus on calorie
restriction, and possibly
an excessive amount
of exercise, and we all
know where that would
lead. I accept my body. I
know I am doing what is
right for me. I choose my
health and happiness over
the approval of others. I
choose me.
I have been ‘in remission’
as I like to call it (as I don’t
believe eating disorders
can ever be fully cured)
for five years now. It was
a long, hellish journey to
end up here, but it was
the most important thing
that I have ever done for
myself. If I could say one
thing to those thinking
about fighting that war, I
would say that however
indescribably hard the
battle is, it is all worth it – a
billion times over.
To get to where I am
now, I chose to reject the
ideas and ideals that are so
entrenched in our culture
and our society. I chose
my actual health over the
idea that you have to be
a certain weight, shape,
or size to be healthy. I
chose my actual happiness
over the absolute lie that
you have to be a certain
number on the scales to
be happy. Those lies are
fed to us all day, every day,
everywhere we look, but
I don’t buy it any more. I
have decided to live my
life in a way that means
working with my body
and letting it be whatever
weight, shape, or size it
needs to be to enable me
to be healthy and happy.
I will not change that for
anyone. I choose me.
Over the years,
suffering from her
eating disorder caused
Sarah severe symptoms
that brought her to
a crisis point in her
life. She found online
resources that helped
her to change how she
identified with her body.
They inspired her and
helped her to stay in
a healthy relationship
with herself and food.
It helped her to value
her own opinions of her
body over that of others.
Often this is first step
in changing – knowing
and finding who you
are, not what others say
you should be. Now
Sarah is much
more confident
and comfortable
with life.
Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP
Reg Ind counsellor
March 2020 • happiful.com • 41

HAPPIFUL TOP 10
March
Feel empowered by real experiences, from real people. Get involved with the global
movement celebrating women and girls, discover the influencer breaking down
barriers, and take action to end stereotypes around eating disorders
1PAGE-TURNERS
The Wellfulness Project
‘Wellfulness’ is all about
using mindfulness to improve
your wellbeing. You don’t
need to practise meditation,
mindfulness can be used
anywhere at any time. The
Wellfulness Project will guide
you through how to apply
mindfulness in everyday life.
(Out 5 March, Octopus
Publishing Group, £16.99)
3
PUT ON A SHOW
4
Women of the World
Festival
Women of the World is a
global movement celebrating
women and girls. This year
is the 10th anniversary of the
WOW festival, and it’s set
to be bigger than ever! Visit
the festival for three days of
events, performances, and
debates from the world’s
leading speakers, activists,
and performers.
(6–8 March. To
find out more, visit
thewowfoundation.com)
OUT AND ABOUT
2
London Dog Week
This week-long celebration is
all about the power pups have
to bring people together. Head
to the capital to enjoy fashion exclusives, interactive experiences, and
competitions, all while raising money to support the welfare of dogs
around the country. It’s bound to have tails wagging!
(23–29 March, for more information head to londondogweek.com)
PLUGGED-IN
Amber Guzman
Amber lives with
muscular dystrophy,
which has left her
unable to walk long
distances, and has made daily
activities more challenging. To help
distract herself, Amber began to
embrace her passion for cosplay,
and now she inspires thousands
with her complex costume designs,
eye-catching
photographs,
and ingenious
incorporation of
her wheelchair.
(Follow
@amber_
kohaku_chan
on Instagram)
5TECH TIP-OFFS
ThinkUp Positive
Affirmations
Do you want to develop
a more positive mindset? ThinkUp
helps you achieve this by allowing
you to choose a positive affirmation,
record yourself saying it, and listen
to it daily. You can record multiple
affirmations specific to your goals,
and add your favourite music and
photos to tailor the app just for you.
(Download from the App Store and
Google Play, find out more
at thinkup.me)

Images | Mulan: Walt Disney Pictures, Amber: Instagram @amber_kohaku_chan
6 9
LEND US YOUR EARS
How Did We Get Here?
Ever wonder how you ended
up in a certain situation?
Close friends Claudia Winkleman and
Professor Tanya Byron discuss the reallife
difficulties their guests are facing,
and help them to understand why they
can’t put into practice what they
know they should do.
(Listen to the podcast on iTunes
and Spotify)
7
SQUARE EYES
This Disney favourite is
back with a bang in this live-action
feature film. Mulan tells the story
of a young Chinese woman who
disguises herself as a male warrior
in order to protect her father. Far
from a princess waiting to be
saved from her tower, this script is
filled with female empowerment.
Mulan
(In cinemas 27 March)
THE CONVERSATION
Eating Disorders Awareness Week
8
TREAT YOURSELF
If you’re trying to go green, a reusable coffee cup is a great way to cut
down on the plastic! The WAKEcup coffee cup is made from sustainably
farmed bamboo and stainless steel, and 10% of profits go directly to The
Marine Conservation Society. Start saving the planet with your coffee.
WAKEcup coffee cup
(£19, visit globalwakecup.com for more)
Win a WAKEcup coffee cup!
For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com
with your answer to the following question:
How much coffee cup waste does the UK produce each year?
a) 10,000 tonnes b) 20,000 tonnes c) 30,000 tonnes
UK mainland only. Competition closes on 19 March 2020, good luck!
Anyone affected by an eating disorder deserves support,
no matter what their diagnosis, gender, ethnicity,
sexuality, age or background. This week is about breaking down the
stereotypes around eating disorders, and sharing real-life stories
about how people are affected.
(2–8 March, get involved at beateatingdisorders.org.uk)
10GET
GOING
Chocathlon Yorkshire
Getting active doesn’t
mean you have to give
up all tasty temptations!
Choose between 5K or 9K
routes, and refuel at the
chocolate stations as you
walk or run around the
track. Prizes are on offer
for the top three finishers,
as well as the best fancy
dress.
(7 March, find out more
at chocathlon.co.uk)
WIN!

How to deal with the
“How's work?"
question
Taking time off for our mental health is often essential, but many of
us dread explaining why we’re taking time away
Writing | Katie Conibear Illustrating | Rosan Magar
Often it’s not until we’re
taking time off to
look after our mental
health that we realise
how much small talk
revolves around work. It’s seen as a
universal icebreaker, from people
we know well to those we’ve just
met. We might be at a party (yes,
you can be unwell and still go to
parties), a family gathering, or just
out for a coffee with a friend.
While it can feel overwhelming
to socialise when we’re unwell,
it’s important as it stops us from
isolating ourselves, and these are
the people that can support us, and
help carry us through. So to then
be presented with the “how’s work”
question can sometimes feel like
too much to deal with.
As innocent as the intention,
it can be a loaded question. I’ve
been asked this when I’ve been ill
with mental health problems, and
that feeling of dread will begin to
creep over me. I’ll feel flustered
and anxious, with a tightness in my
chest. I’ve found myself making
excuses, or trying to avoid the
question completely. But rather
than feeling shame, or hiding,
here are four important points
to remember when we’re having
these conversations.
1 BE HONEST
Sounds difficult right? It doesn’t
have to be. The way we phrase our
responses can make everyone who
is a part of the conversation feel
at ease. Think about the person
or people you’re talking to. How
can they relate to your situation?
Do they know us well or are they
acquaintances? There are simple
phrases that work well in these
situations:
• “I’m taking some time out for my
mental health.”
• “I’m making my health a priority.”
• “I need time to refocus so I can do
my best at work when I go back.”
• “I was feeling stressed and near
burnout, and needed some time off
to recharge.”
Depending on the person, we
can figure out how much detail we
want to divulge. If you feel you can
be completely honest, do it! The
majority of people will care and
ask how they can help.
2 LOSE THE SHAME
We often find ourselves
apologising for being mentally
unwell. We do it because of shame
and guilt, but thinking differently
about why we’re off can make our
conversations easier. Ask yourself:
“How likely is it someone will
think less of me? I’ve made a call
about my health and I needed to
take time off.” Feeling ashamed
won’t help us feel better, it will
sabotage our efforts to get back to
work. If someone does shame us
for being unwell, they need to be
educated; it is a fault with them,
not us.
3 TELL THEM YOU’RE TAKING
CARE OF YOURSELF
Having time out from work means
you’re taking your health seriously.
It might be you’ve stopped yourself
from reaching burnout. Or you
may have reached burnout, and
had the presence of mind to realise
44 • happiful.com • March 2020

that you needed a break. Everyone
can relate to these feelings to an
extent. If it’s an ongoing, long-term
illness then it shows that we know
ourselves well, and taking care
of ourselves should be praised.
We’ve taken responsibility for our
health, which shows maturity. We
should be proud that we’re not
trying to work through an illness,
but instead are making our health
a priority.
4 REMEMBER WORK
DOESN’T DEFINE YOU
Although work is an important
part of many people’s lives, it
doesn’t have to define us. There
are so many more things that are a
part of us – our hobbies, passions,
and personality to name a few.
When we really think about all
the topics we’re interested in, the
possibilities for a conversation are
endless. Shifting a conversation to
a topic that is important to us can
make socialising less stressful to
deal with. It can also help us find
purpose outside of work. It can
help us realise that our identity
matters just as much as our career.
Katie Conibear is a freelance writer,
focusing on mental health. She blogs
at stumblingmind.com and has a
podcast, ‘A Life Lived Vividly’, with a
focus on hearing voices.
March 2020 • happiful.com • 45

Photography | Marcos Paulo Prado
“
Accept yourself, love yourself,
and keep moving forward
– ROY T BENNETT

How acrylic nails
helped me beat
my hair-pulling
disorder
For years,
Salma battled
trichotillomania – the
irresistible urge to
pull out her hair. Then
a simple trip to a nail
salon transformed
her life, and her
sense of self…
Writing | Salma Haidrani
For most of my teens,
mornings often followed
the same pattern: I’d wake
up with raw and red eyes, a
sore scalp, several missing
lashes, and patches of bare skin
between my eyebrows. It took a
few seconds before it’d dawn on me
why: I’d deliberately pulled my hair
out, and now there was hardly any
of it left.
It wasn’t always like this. With
our thick mane and full set of dark
eyelashes, no one could easily tell
me or my twin, Layla, apart. >>>
March 2020 • happiful.com • 47

Any attempts to ‘cure’ the
disorder over the years – from
putting plasters on my fingers, to
meditation – had failed
But at 15, I’d developed
trichotillomania, a disorder that
saw me pull at my lashes, brows,
and later my scalp.
Stressed by looming exams, the
familiar ritual of pulling a strand
and coiling it around my fingers
was soothing. It soon became
addictive, and it wasn’t long before
bald patches the size of a 50p piece
appeared on my scalp. When I ran
out of head hair to pull, I started
tearing out my pubic hair.
I feared anyone finding out, so
I’d painstakingly spend hours in
front of the mirror, lining my eyes
and brows with heavy kohl liner
and pencil.
Despite my efforts to conceal
my disorder, it wasn’t long before
school friends found out. One
particularly cruel jibe I heard was:
‘How can you tell the difference
between the twins? Salma’s the
one who doesn’t have eyelashes.’
The challenges that came with
my condition were exacerbated
by my heritage. Communities
of colour like mine – I’m half-
Lebanese, half-Pakistani – can
often have an uneasy relationship
with mental health. I certainly
saw this first-hand. Relatives were
reluctant to see trichotillomania
for what is – a mental health
disorder – but as something I
could easily control. My parents,
uncles, and aunts remained
convinced that all it took to control
my condition was willpower.
Any attempts to ‘cure’ the
disorder over the years – from
putting plasters on my fingers,
to meditation – had failed. I had
resigned myself to dealing with the
disorder for the rest of my life.
But that all changed last April
when I was taken, with fellow
bridesmaids, to a salon to have
matching red acrylic nails applied,
ready for my sister’s wedding.
That evening, I found that the
length made it difficult to grip,
let alone pull, my lashes. I was
so overcome with panic that I
considered running back to the
salon to have them removed. Over
that week, it became too much
effort to keep trying, and soon I
realised that I barely pulled.
The impact acrylic nails
have had on my life has been
immeasurable. Within a month,
lashes and brow hair started
sprouting for the first time in
years. Two months later, I had a
full set of (albeit stubby) lashes.
Applying mascara for the first time
in more than a decade was surreal.
With my hair growth came
renewed confidence: I no longer
had to hide. Now I’m rarely
seen without my acrylics – I’ve
experimented with neon-green
talons in summer and jet-black
fingertips during October. If
anything, I don’t feel like ‘me’
without them.
That’s not to say there haven’t
been drawbacks. One white
acrylic nail broke mid-way
through a week-long trip to Ibiza
last summer, and I found myself
tugging absent-mindedly at my
lashes while sunbathing.
Having to maintain my nails
once a month can also take a
toll on my finances. A new set
can set me back as much as
£45 (sometimes £65 if I opt for
intricate designs). As a freelance
journalist, my income can be
unsteady, so sometimes I’ve had to
cancel seeing friends, or cut back
on meals out.
A surprising side-effect, too,
has been discovering the stigma
associated with acrylic nails.
Although a number of celebrities
have popularised acrylic nails –
from the likes of Cardi B, Rihanna,
and Kylie Jenner, to the female
cast of Love Island – that the idea
of acrylic nails being ‘common’,
‘classless’ or ‘tacky’ still persists.
I’ve lost count of the number of
times I’ve been asked ‘How do you
do anything with those nails?’ and
even ‘How do you wipe after going
to the toilet?’ At times, I’ve had to
reveal my condition to complete
strangers – something I’ve kept
secret for more a decade – to
distance myself from the negative
associations of acrylics.
It does a disservice to the
transformative impact acrylic nails
have had on my life and sense of
self. After all, I haven’t pulled for
a year and a half, something I’d
48 • happiful.com • March 2020

Salma’s acrylic nails helped to
stop her hair-pulling disorder
never have thought possible a
decade ago.
I no longer need to endure
a three-hour round trip for
eyelash extensions – nor have to
I haven’t
pulled for a
year and a half,
something I’d
never have
thought possible
a decade ago
brace myself for the technician’s
confusion as she notices the empty
patches of bare skin between my
lashes. I can spend hours trawling
make-up counters, trying new
mascaras – a ritual I’d consigned to
history, thanks to trichotillomania.
For those battling the disorder,
help is on hand. Though a fresh set
of acrylic nails works for me, that’s
not to say that will be the case for
everyone. Mindfulness, fidget toys,
wearing a tight-fitting hat, and
CBT, can have a similar effect.
Online trichotillomania support
groups, too, offer much solace and
comfort, as people the world over
have made me feel less isolated
as we exchange ‘progress photos’,
much-needed encouragement,
and distraction techniques. To
women of colour like myself with
the disorder, I say: you’re not any
less of a ‘woman’.
It’s heartening that high-profile
figures, like Sam Faiers and Colin
Farrell, are more vocal about their
experiences with trichotillomania
– I know I would have benefited
from knowing that there were
others who also struggled.
Gone are the days of waking up
with a blurred vision and tell-tale
bare skin between my brows.
Gone, too, are the days of people
being able to easily tell me and my
twin sister apart just by a quick
glance at the bald patches on my
scalp. And for that, and more, I
thank my acrylic nails.
Salma Haidrani is an awardwinning
freelance writer and
journalist based in London. Follow
Salma on Twitter @its_me_salma
March 2020 • happiful.com • 49

Media partner
Wellbeing – fact or fiction?
How many contradictory posts on wellness have you seen in the past week?
It can be hard to decipher what you should (and shouldn’t) believe online,
but fortunately there’s a new movement to change that – Sarah Greenidge’s
WellSpoken is a trailblazer for truth and credibility across the industry
Writing | Lucy Donoughue
What would you say if
your boss told you to
bend the truth? Or
that blurring the lines
of what you could and couldn’t say
was OK? For Sarah Greenidge, this
situation came up while consulting
for a consumer health PR firm...
“I was really shocked, stunned, at
what could be said at a consumer
health level,” she says.
Sarah’s concerns were raised
when she was asked to cast an eye
over a campaign. “I remember
giving it back with red marks,
noting there were a lot of things
that couldn’t, or shouldn’t, be said,
and was met with a response of:
‘This is health and wellness, so it’s
different. We don’t have to be so
stringent.’”
To address this shocking state of
fact and fiction, Sarah had the idea
for WellSpoken – an independent
authority providing a code of
practice to ensure consumers
could get credible, evidence-based
information on nutrition and
wellness.
Having worked in healthcare,
medical communications, and
regulations, Sarah had the
knowledge and experience, so her
first step was to get to grips with
exactly what the main issues were.
After a year-long journey, she
realised two main things…
“There wasn’t enough
infrastructure, regulation, or
standardisation in place when it
comes to dealing with something
that’s inappropriate,” Sarah says.
“Unfortunately that’s still the case,
unless you breach the advertising
rules, but you can put out some
really dodgy information and
there’s no repercussions, apart
from a bit of backlash.
“The second thing is, I asked five
CEOs what credibility and wellness
meant to them, and I got some
smashing answers – but they were
all different,” Sarah says. “We don’t
have a standard way of keeping
our communications credible.”
So, by working with the
University of Barcelona and the
University of Sheffield, WellSpoken
developed a framework. It offers
accreditation and the WellSpoken
Mark, to ensure consumers can
find trustworthy information, and
that those providing it are sharing
authentic, reliable, and evidencebased
content.
It’s an important step forward.
Given that the worldwide wellness
industry is worth 4.2 trillion
dollars, it’s big business. But
WellSpoken isn’t just about calling
out misinformation. It’s also
about supporting and developing
credible – and incredible – content.
And it’s also important we
move with the times. The way
we’re consuming information is
changing, so it’s not just the big
brands that need to be aware of
the impact they’re having.
“Often the way influencers make
money is by being an ambassador,”
Sarah explains, “or by being paid
to share content about products.
If you’re not experienced in that
field, you might end up promoting
something you wouldn’t ordinarily,
and it’s not maliciously done.”

I remember giving it back
with red marks and was met
with a response of: ‘This is
health and wellness, we don’t
have to be so stringent’
You may have seen the video
clips from an undercover BBC3
series, exposing this very issue.
Influencers, including Lauren
Goodger, were filmed agreeing
to promote a fake product called
Cyanora, without questioning the
poisonous ingredient hydrogen
cyanide.
Part of WellSpoken’s work has
involved researching the impact of
influencer behaviour, by analysing
more than 3,500 health and
wellness influencers, and offering
them data, and even guidance on
pricing, for posts.
But there’s still more work to be
done, Sarah insists. “We’re looking
at the psychology behind the
influencer-follower relationship –
how ‘followers’ interact with those
they follow, and how this might
cause them to drop their guard.
“For example, if they read
information in an article by an
unknown author, they would be
more likely to park that. But when
that same information comes from
someone they’ve put their trust
in, they are more open to receive
and act upon it – so influencer’s
can have even more responsibility
than a brand, in a way.”
With that responsibility,
WellSpoken suggests the following
four tenets every content producer
should abide by. “We use SOBI.
S stands for substantiation –
making sure you can reference
research and, where it’s personal
opinion, showing that really
clearly. O is is making sure you’re
not out of remit. B is balance. And
I is for incomplete – not leaving
out vital information.”
It’s an approach she hopes many
in the wellness industry will adopt
moving forwards!
Find out more about WellSpoken at
wearewellspoken.com and follow it
on Twitter @WellSpokenMark
Sarah will be at Live Well
London (28 Feb to 1 March),
speaking at ‘How To Be A
Credible Business in the
Wellbeing Industry’ and ‘Fact
or Fiction: What To Believe
When It Comes To Your
Wellbeing’. Find out more at
livewelllondon.com

How to stop resentment
building in your relationship
Occasional arguments can be a natural part of our relationships,
but is there a way to avoid upset and imbalances before they
develop into something more?
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
Romantic
relationships can
be tricky things.
From keeping
track of the dayto-day,
to the dozens of tasks and
responsibilities on our plates (such
as remembering the birthday of a
family member you’ve never even
met), relationships can come with
a lot of added responsibilities.
For many, the imbalance in
emotional labour that can develop
leaves us feeling exhausted,
overstretched, stressed, and fedup.
As counsellor Laurele Mitchell
explains, when we feel that the
balance of our responsibilities
within a relationship is off, it can
lead to a whole host of problems.
“It’s incredibly stressful to take
responsibility for someone else,
to remember everything that
needs to be done – never mind to
do it – especially if we subjugate
our own needs in the process,”
Laurele explains. “It can lead to
bitterness and resentment, being
critical, and even contemptuous
of our partner, which all have
the potential to damage the
relationship, especially if our
partner is blissfully unaware of
the problem!”
Communication is key
The more stressed and under
pressure we feel, the more likely
we are to bottle things up. After
all, how can those around us not
see how overwhelmed we are?
Yet when we let these feelings
and overall sense of discontent
build, we risk making ourselves
feel worse.
“Effective communication is
the lifeblood of any relationship,
and the antidote to the impact of
emotional labour,” Laurele says.
But how can we start to do this, if
the effects of emotional labour are
already being felt?
“Firstly, articulating your
feelings honestly and respectfully
to your partner, with the view
of understanding one another,
rather than apportioning
blame, can actually deepen the
relationship, even if it feels risky
at first. Secondly, honouring our
feelings enough to articulate them
to another is empowering and
reminds us that we matter, too.”
...but how we communicate
with each other can differ
Relationship expert and
counsellor, Dr Kalanit Ben-
Ari explains that while
communication is key, how we
express ourselves (and our needs)
can vary greatly.
“When talking about emotional
labour in a relationship, it’s
important to note that women
and men express and regulate
their emotions differently. It’s not
that one gender is better than the
other, just that we communicate
emotions in what can appear
to be different languages, and
52 • happiful.com • March 2020

in different areas of life. It is
important for couples to learn
about their partner’s ‘language’,
and to communicate openly
and honestly about their own
experience. The goal is to move
away from blaming and shaming,
to collaboration, growth, and
possibilities.”
While we may think we are being
open and frank with how we are
feeling, sometimes our partners
can miss the signs – as can we.
“When one partner feels they
hold the emotional labour, but do
not communicate it in a way the
other can really understand and
share that responsibility, it can
lead to resentment. Having this
mindset not only disempowers
them but also prevents change
from happening.”
Focus on what you want – not
what you don’t
The way in which we frame and
share our feelings can have a
Effective communication is the
lifeblood of any relationship,
and the antidote to the impact
of emotional labour
March 2020 • happiful.com • 53

What is emotional labour?
In essence, emotional labour refers to
having to keep up a happy outward
facade, take on additional tasks (such as
housework and general life admin), or
take on an ‘organisational’ role at home,
which can often be seen as ‘nagging’
huge impact on how our partners
perceive – and react – to them. Dr
Ben-Ari suggests that we should
share our feelings from our own
perspective, focusing on small
steps and potential solutions we
can work towards together, rather
than looking to place the blame.
“For example, rather than saying,
‘I’m exhausted, you never care, I
need to take care of everything…’
say ‘I’m exhausted. I feel a lot is
going on for me. I would really
appreciate it if we can have one
dinner this week without the kids
to share and plan the next week.’
“Couples are much more aware
of what they don’t want, but
have little idea about what they
do want. When we put the focus
on what we are ‘not getting’ this
is what’s going to grow. Instead,
look at your partner through the
eyes of love. Appreciate what they
already do, ask for specific and
instructed support, and this is
what’s going to grow.”
Share the load
Resentment and discontent can
build not only when we feel like
we are taking on more than our
fair share, but also when one
partner feels like they need to
be ‘in charge’ of splitting the
workload.
It can be easy for one partner to
fall into a more ‘organisational’
role, where they feel like they
have to be responsible for tracking
every little thing from birthdays
and bills, to chores. Yet we may
not realise that our partners, too,
may be feeling there are areas they
are shouldering the load.
For example, I found myself
growing frustrated that my
partner expected me to have a
list of chores ready for him
each weekend; couldn’t he
just as easily figure out what
needed doing? It wasn’t until we
talked about it, that we realised
by having this list, it helped
him to feel less overwhelmed
and distracted with the sheer
number of ‘little things’ that
regularly add up.
Identify what works for you
Splitting everything 50/50 may
sound like the ideal way to go,
but finding the best way to
balance the load can vary greatly,
depending on your relationship
and needs. By focusing instead
on talking and working together
to find compromises, you can
both be happy with, you can
ensure that you each feel happier
with your responsibilities. We
each have our own strengths and
54 • happiful.com • March 2020

Couples are much more
aware of what they don’t
want, but have little idea
about what they do want
weaknesses; it’s OK to keep
these in mind and to work
with, not around, these needs.
Consider speaking
with an expert
If you’re worried that the
communication in your
relationship may have
broken down, speaking with
a relationship therapist or
couples counsellor could help.
While a counsellor will not ‘give
you the answer’, they can help to
create a safe space where you can
talk openly and confidentially,
without worrying that they will
‘take sides’.
When you have been with
someone for a long time, it can
be easy for communication to
break down without realising
it. Speaking with an objective,
unconnected third party can
help you to gain new insight and
perspective into issues that may be
clear or more covert.
To find out more about relationship
counselling and emotional labour,
download the Happiful app, or visit
relate.org.uk for relationship help
and advice.
March 2020 • happiful.com • 55

“
Dreaming, after all, is
a form of planning
– GLORIA STEINEM
Photography | Ian Dooley

TRUE LIFE
Finally free
to be me
The impact of Naphtaly’s polycystic ovary syndrome
isn’t just physical, but mental too. She struggled with
depression and loving herself for years, but has finally
found a way to nourish herself, and find peace
Writing | Naphtaly Maria Zimmerman
Suffering with
your mental
health is not easy.
And I should
know, having struggled
with my mental health
for more than a decade.
During adolescence, I
experienced anxiety and
stress due to my polycystic
ovary syndrome (PCOS).
By the age of 16, this
developed into low moods,
causing anxiety and selfhatred.
At 17, I moved to
London to study, but had
no social connections
there at that point. My
depression became worse,
causing me to feel like my
energy and motivation
were drained. But none
of this compared to the
feeling that I had lost
myself and my identity.
During my bachelor’s
degree at university in
2014, it became harder
and harder. I felt caged
inside my own mind,
dying to be free. I had
a rage inside of me, all
I was doing was taking
medications for my PCOS,
and whatever the doctor
had prescribed did not
work for me at all.
It was hard to focus on
my studies – in class I felt
numb, and even lonelier.
I didn’t know how to
manage my anger and
depression. Carbs, alcohol,
and sugary sweets made
it easier to survive those
stressful days, but only
for a short period of time.
I started talking really
negatively towards myself.
Can you imagine spending
24 hours a day inside your
head, with only negative
thoughts for company? I
couldn’t find equilibrium.
When I turned 19, I
started partying a lot,
which was hard as I was
working full-time while
going to university.
The amount of pain
I had from the PCOS
was increasing with an
imbalanced menstrual
cycle, and I was putting
on a lot of weight, even
when eating healthy and
exercising. I was going six
to eight months, or even
a year, without having
a period, then having
them last from four to six
months long. Not only
was my mental health
affected, but also my
physical health.
During those times, it
was hard to accept who I
was seeing in the mirror.
I had spots on my face
and I began wearing loads
of makeup to hide the
person underneath it,
which didn’t help. There
were days where I locked
myself inside my room
without seeing daylight,
without seeing or talking
to anybody. The worst part
was that I was ashamed to
tell my parents, friends,
or partner how I felt,
because I didn’t want them
to feel sorry for me. When
I began explaining to a
few friends and colleagues
about the way I felt, it
was always one answer,
which was “It’s only in
your head” or “You’ll get
over it.”
At the age of 22, I was
feeling rejected, sad,
unmotivated, and things
weren’t going well in
everything from my
personal life to my career.
I hated feeling like there
was no spark in my soul. >>>
March 2020 • happiful.com • 57

I felt caged inside
my own mind,
dying to be free
I wanted to only spend
time with myself; all I
wanted was to be in my
own sad little world.
But I had – and still have
– my amazing supportive
partner who was always
there to help me through
this process.
In 2017, during my final
year at university, I was
feeling exhausted and
drained, but I didn’t want
to feel that way anymore.
I went to the doctor to
get help with my PCOS.
I looked myself in the
mirror, and asked myself:
is this how I want to feel?
My answer was no, I
wanted help, I wanted to
be myself and happy.
I’ve tried numerous
things to combat my
depression – I changed
jobs, went on frequent
holidays, exercised, ate
healthily, spent time off
social media, had herbal
teas. The list goes on, and
it was tiring. But nothing
seemed to work.
In 2017, I had an idea:
why not create something
for relaxation without
breaking the bank? I
wanted to provide and
practise self-care within
the comfort of my home,
so I started to investigate
what was needed. I
thought home fragrances
and skincare would be
a great way to start, and
launched NaphtalyWorld
in summer 2017. This was
the start of me being able
to accept my depression,
and start on the road of
recovery. I used to see
my mental illness as an
affliction. But now it’s a
part of who I am, and I’m
comfortable discussing it
openly now.
I realised that I had
to learn to forgive
myself, and show more
compassion towards
myself. Now, I keep a
gratitude journal and write
positive things in it every
day. I have a healthy diet,
exercise more often, and
58 • happiful.com • March 2020

Find out more about Naphtaly
at naphtalyworld.com
I don’t beat myself
up for having a
bad mental health
moment, or day, or
week anymore
travel when I can. I also
have positive affirmations
posted all over my house,
and I make sure to practise
mindfulness daily.
I am now better at
looking after myself, and
do more for me. I go on
solo-dates to restaurants,
the opera, movies,
holidays, and generally
make myself a priority.
I don’t beat myself up
for having a bad mental
health moment, or day, or
week anymore.
My business has been
a game-changer for me,
not only because I’m
doing something I love,
but because I can share
my story with others
who are also living with
depression and PCOS, or
are looking for a new way
of improving their health
and wellbeing.
Now, for the first time
in my life, I am more
than happy and feel at
peace with myself. I am a
health and wellness coach,
dedicated to helping
others and myself. I run an
award-winning skincare
and home fragrance
business, and I am writing
a wellness cookbook to be
published this year. I hold
wellness events, do public
speaking, and much more.
My journey has taught
me the importance of
health and wellbeing for
creating a balance of good
nutrition, good health,
and happiness in one’s
life. I hope my words
give you the strength and
knowledge you need to
act as your own advocate,
and the power to create
change in your life –
starting from today. Many
women learn to manage
PCOS naturally. For me,
I have learned not to let
this affect me mentally
anymore – everyone is
different, and trust me,
you are not alone.
Please know that there
is no quick fix or magic
potion to cure depression
or PCOS, along with
many other mental health
conditions, but there is
still so much hope for
those affected. Help is all
around you – yes, it often
does take a lot of hard
work and courage, but you
will get there.
OUR EXPERT SAYS
Naphtaly’s story is one
of inspiration. Gradually
people are recognising just
how many of us struggle
with mental health. It’s also
not unusual for our physical
health to impact upon it too.
What’s fantastic is Naphtaly
found a way through her
darkest days – what’s more is
she’s willing to share it.
The more we feel able to
open up to others, the lighter
the burden becomes. It also
enables us to find a new path
through our struggles – for
Naphtaly that was through
her business.
There’s always
a way through
– it begins with
sharing your
story!
Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr
Life coach
March 2020 • happiful.com • 59

How to de-stress
in five simple steps
Writing | Kat Nicholls Illustrating | Rosan Magar
Sometimes stress builds up, and you feel totally overwhelmed. When
this happens, you need tools that work in the moment to
help you feel relaxed and in control
60 • happiful.com • March 2020

W
e all know that
too much stress
isn’t good for
us. As well as
damaging our
mental and physical health, it can
cause problems at work and in
our relationships.
But taking action can be easier
said than done. Making time
for self-care, reaching out for
support, and getting enough
sleep, are all fantastic for keeping
us calm, but let’s be realistic,
sometimes circumstances don’t
allow for this.
There are times in our lives
when things build up, and the
feeling of being overwhelmed hits
you like a brick wall. When this
happens, getting up from your
desk at work to go to a yoga class,
or saying “Sorry kids, I need some
me-time, make your own dinner”
isn’t always possible.
This is why having some tools
to lower stress is so important.
The following steps can help you
do just that.
1 SAY ‘STOP’
Often when we’re stressed,
our thinking becomes too fast
and we spiral into panic. The
trick to getting out of this is
self-awareness. As soon as you
recognise what’s happening, say
the word ‘stop’, ideally out-loud –
but in your head is fine, too.
The ‘stop’ technique (or thoughtstopping)
is often used in cognitive
behavioural therapy (CBT) to help
prevent obsessive or worrying
thoughts from taking over. By
recognising what’s happening,
you have the opportunity to
change your way of thinking.
2 FOCUS ON YOUR BREATHING
A good step to take after using the
stop technique is to deepen your
breathing. When we’re stressed,
we take more shallow breaths, and
this can lead to physical anxiety
symptoms such as dizziness and
chest pain.
To counter this, try to breathe
from your belly and exhale a little
longer than you inhale. The 4-7-
8 breathing technique is great at
reducing anxiety and stress – simply
breathe in for four seconds, hold for
seven, and breathe out for eight.
3 VISUALISE YOURSELF
SOMEWHERE LOVELY
This may sound incredibly simple,
but a little visualisation can go a
long way. Imagine yourself in a calm
setting, somewhere quiet, and really
allow yourself to be there. Maybe
you’re on a beach, in your childhood
home, or a tranquil garden. Find
a place you feel safe. Remember a
time you felt calm, confident and in
control. Recall how you felt, and let
your body respond.
4 USE THE WOOP TECHNIQUE
Developed by psychotherapist
Gabriele Oettingen, the WOOP
technique can be a powerful way
to move past mental blocks. Take
a few minutes to think about the
following:
Wish – what is your wish or hope
right now?
Outcome – what is the ideal
outcome?
Obstacle – what might be getting in
your way?
Plan – what is one action you can
take? Make the following plan: “If
[obstacle], then I will [action or
thought].”
Imagine yourself
in a calm setting,
somewhere
quiet, and really
allow yourself to
be there
5 LISTEN TO YOUR
FAVOURITE MUSIC
Classical music has been shown
to slow heart rate, lower blood
pressure, and reduce stress
hormones. But if classical isn’t your
thing, any music you love will give
your mood a lift. Find something
that reminds you of a happy
memory and, if you can, have a
five-minute dance party!
Use these techniques when
things get busy, but try not to rely
on them solely for reducing your
stress. There are times when stress
is unavoidable, but it’s important to
recognise when it’s taking over and
becoming a daily feature.
If you’re finding stress is
affecting your health, you need
to think long-term. It’s always
worth speaking to your GP, but
you may also want to try talking
therapies such as CBT to help
you understand the link between
thoughts and behaviours, or
hypnotherapy which can help you
change your response to stress.
Stress affects us in many ways but
there are also a variety of methods
to tackle it, so don’t worry – the
right help is out there for you.
March 2020 • happiful.com • 61

Bellissimo!
Pasta recipes to make you weak at the knees
Writing | Ellen Hoggard
Sometimes, nothing
beats a warming bowl
of pasta. It’s cheap and
cheerful, and you don’t
need to be a Michelinstarred
chef to whip up something
mouth-watering. By dabbling in
the world of seasonal vegetables,
and mixing up your sauces, you
can make a pasta recipe go a long
way – cooking in bulk to feed
you for a whole week, while also
providing you with more than
your five-a-day.
Nowadays, it’s a lot easier to
accomodate for allergies, too. With
pasta varieties in abundance, and
many alternative dairy products
now available, there’s nothing
stopping us all from getting out the
big pot and whipping up a bowl of
delicious, but nutritious goodness.
Vegetarian Bolognese
Serves 4
Ingredients
1 onion
1 large carrot
1 courgette
1 red pepper
200g mushrooms
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp garlic
1 tsp dried mixed herbs
2 tbsp tomato paste
1 tbsp vegetable stock concentrate
400g can chopped tomatoes
400g spaghetti
40g parmesan, grated
Method
• Slice the onion. In a pan, heat
the oil and cook the onion until
soft. Chop the carrot, courgette,
pepper and mushrooms into
small chunks and add to the pan.
Sauté for 5 minutes.
• Add the garlic, dried herbs and
mix. Add the tomato paste,
vegetable stock and chopped
tomatoes. Bring to boil, then
simmer for 20 minutes.
• In a large pan of boiling water,
add the spaghetti and boil for
10–12 mins.
• Drain the spaghetti and divide
into 4 bowls. Add the vegetable
bolognese with a sprinkling of
cheese. Serve hot with an optional
side salad.
Grilled Asparagus
& Pesto Spaghetti
Serves 4
Ingredients
25g basil
25g flat leaf parsley
1 tsp garlic
100g green olives
2 tbsp pine nuts, toasted
40g parmesan, grated
2 tbsp olive oil, plus extra
for brushing
230g asparagus, trimmed
and halved
300g wholewheat spaghetti
Salt and pepper
Method
• In a food processor, add the
herbs, olives, pine nuts and
parmesan. Combine until coarse.
Add a glug of oil and combine
until a smooth, green pesto.
Set aside.
• Preheat a griddle pan, or the grill.
Brush the asparagus with a little
oil and cook for 10–12 minutes,
turning regularly until tender.
• Meanwhile, cook the spaghetti in
a large pan of boiling water for
10–12 minutes.
• Drain the spaghetti and return
to the pan. Add the pesto and
asparagus and stir. Serve in
bowls with an extra sprinkling
of parmesan and black pepper.
Enjoy.

OUR EXPERT SAYS…
Vegetarian Bolognese
This is a great recipe to batch
cook and store in the freezer for
busy evenings. The large variety
of vegetables offers a myriad of
good bacteria, promoting healthy
bacterial diversity in the gut.
The carrots and red peppers
are loaded with vitamin C and A,
benefitting the immune system
and skin. These well-cooked
vegetables will be easy to digest,
while rich in fibre, which should
help stable blood sugar levels.
I would suggest opting for
fresh vegetable stock instead of
concentrate, to benefit from the
added antioxidants, and enhance
the nutrition-density of this recipe.
Grilled Asparagus
& Pesto Spaghetti
I love the use of fresh basil and
parsley. Not only do they add
flavour, but they also offer a
myriad of nutritional qualities!
Parsley is well-known for
promoting bowel motility and
decreasing bloating, while basil is
highly regarded for its immuneenhancing
properties.
The basil and pine nuts make a
feisty immune-boosting combo,
while the nuts also offer a dose
of healthy fats for satiety, and
minerals, such as magnesium (for
sleep), zinc (for skin), and iron (for
healthy red blood cells).
You could swap asparagus for a
more seasonal vegetable, such as
purple sprouting broccoli.
Find a nutritionist near you at nutritionist-resource.org.uk
Josephine (Beanie) Robinson
is a nutritional therapist,
yoga and meditation teacher,
and co-founder of The Health
Space. Find out more at
thehealth-space.com

10 nutrition
myths debunked
We all want to live healthier lives, but with so much nutritional information online
and on social media, how can we separate the facts from the fiction?
Jenna Farmer chats to the experts to debunk the myths around
healthy eating, and shares their top tips for a healthier you
The myth: Going gluten-free
will improve your gut health
The myth: Carbohydrates cause you to gain weight
The reality: Unless you have an
allergy or intolerance, a glutenfree
diet really is no healthier
than one with gluten in it. “For the
majority of people, going glutenfree
is not going to improve gut
health. However for the 1% of
the population who have coeliac
disease it is of course essential,”
explains Dr Sammie Gill, a
dietitian who specialises in gut
health. If you suspect gluten is
a problem for you, ask your GP
to test you for coeliac disease,
but don’t cut out any food group
without medical advice.
But what about those food
intolerance tests we see on social
media? Registered nutritionist Dr
Laura Wyness urges her clients
to be wary. “Many allergy tests
have no scientific basis, and can
be harmful when multiple foods
are excluded without reason – not
to mention a waste of money!”
Laura advises any testing should
always be done under medical
supervision with the support of a
dietitian.
The reality: We’ve all heard the
mantra ‘no carbs before Marbs’,
but is it true that tucking into
carbohydrates can cause weight
gain? Absolutely not. The NHS
advises that there’s very little
evidence that ditching carbs can
help with weight loss, and that
tucking into healthier whole grain
carbohydrates, like brown pasta
and rye bread, actually offers a
whole host of benefits.
64 • happiful.com • March 2020

The myth: Eat five pieces of fruit
and veg a day to stay healthy
The reality: Five-a-day is
certainly a good target to aim
for, but it’s not quite as simple
as that. “Some research suggests
seven, or even 10 per day, is
actually optimal,” explains
nutritionist Anna Mapson. But
however much fruit and veg you
manage to consume, don’t go
reaching for the same produce
time and time again. “Smoothies
can help with upping your
intake, but they reduce the
amount of fibre, so you
shouldn’t have more than one a
day. Instead, aim for variety to
keep your gut microbes happy,”
Anna adds.
The myth: It’s difficult to get
enough protein on a vegan diet
The myth: We all need to up our fibre intake
The reality: There’s no denying
that fibre is vital for a healthy gut,
but it’s not as simple as reaching
for the Bran Flakes. “Different
fibres behave in different ways
when they reach the gut, so
variety through different sources
(such as wholegrains, fruit, veg,
nuts, seeds, and legumes) is
key,” advises Dr Sammie Gill.
“In some circumstances you can
have too much of a good thing.
For example, with irritable bowel
syndrome (IBS), certain types of
fibre can aggravate symptoms,
and increasing fibre too quickly
may actually worsen symptoms
temporarily.” Therefore, if your
gut is sensitive, quickly upping
your fibre isn’t the answer. It’s
worth keeping a food diary, paying
attention to the types of fibre
you consume, and increasing
it gradually to avoid digestive
discomfort. Those with medical
conditions, such as inflammatory
bowel disease and diverticulitis,
are sometimes advised to follow
a low fibre diet to help with
symptoms.
The reality: This one has an
element of truth in it. Make
the switch without doing any
research and you could find it
tricky. However, with a little
forward thinking, it’s perfectly
possible to tuck into plenty of
protein-rich meals on a vegan
diet. “Vegan protein intake
requires careful planning, but
can be achieved,” explains
Anna Mapson. “Ensure you’re
eating protein at every meal.
Plant-rich sources include
tofu, beans, pulses, and nuts.
Most people underestimate
how much protein is actually
plant-based – one cup of beans
is around 8–9g of the 50g of
protein you need a day.” Beans
on toast for dinner it is then... >>>
March 2020 • happiful.com • 65

The myth: Switch to
sugar-free alternatives
to help with cravings
The reality: Many sugar-free
drinks and sweet treats rely on
artificial sweeteners such as
aspartame. A recent overview
of studies found that these
sugar substitutes actually offer
no health benefits, and aren’t
linked to weight loss.
Find more
nutritional
info on the
Happiful app
Generally
superfoods are
expensive, but
common vegetables
like carrots, cabbages
or blackberries, are
packed with just as
many nutrients
The myth: You need to
splash out on superfoods
to be healthy
The reality: Hands up if you’ve
dashed out to buy the latest
superfoods – such as kale
and pomegranate – without
really understanding the
hype. There’s nothing wrong
with these products, but
you’ll often find the health
benefits elsewhere – at a much
cheaper price. “Superfood is
a marketing term,” explains
nutritionist Anna Mapson.
“Generally superfoods are
expensive, but common
vegetables like carrots,
cabbages or blackberries,
are packed with just as many
nutrients.” Save your cash and
spend it on a rainbow of fruit
and veg instead.
66 • happiful.com • March 2020

The myth: Not eating after
7pm helps you to lose weight
The reality: What time you
tuck into that cheeseburger
and fries really makes no
difference to how many
calories are in it. You might
find it more comfortable to eat
a heavier meal at lunchtime
(and find this helps with things
like bloating and heartburn),
but that’s about it!
The myth: Alkaline diets
prevent the body from
becoming too acidic
The reality: Alkaline diets have
been on the scene for years
now, but do they actually have
any truth in them? Dr Laura
Wyness says no. “It stems from
the idea our blood PH can
change according to our diet,
but if food changed our blood
PH we’d be in a lot of trouble!
Our body constantly regulates
the PH of our blood to ensure
it stays within a PH of 7.35 to
7.45 to prevent us from dying.
Alkaline foods include lots of
fruit and vegetables, so in lots
of ways it can be healthy, but
not because of the impact on
our body’s PH level!”
The myth: Everybody should
detox on a regular basis
The reality: It’s often been
said that a regular detox
(whether that’s through a juice
cleanse, fasting, or cutting
out food groups from your
diet) is necessary for optimal
health, but the truth is that
your body already does this
on a daily basis. Our bodies
detox in a number of ways – in
fact yours is probably doing
so right now! Essentially, our
bodily systems can flush out
‘toxins’ every time you take
a deep breath, go to the loo,
sweat, or even get your period.
And the good news is that it’s
perfectly capable of doing it
without our help. While you
don’t need to embark on detox
cleanses, ditching habits, like
excessive alcohol consumption
and smoking, does make it that
little bit easier for your body to
do its job!
What time
you tuck into that
cheeseburger and
fries really makes
no difference to
how many calories
are in it
Jenna Farmer is a freelance
journalist who specialises in writing
about gut health. She has Crohn’s
disease and blogs about her
journey to improve gut health at
abalancedbelly.co.uk
March 2020 • happiful.com • 67

Book
Review
Gloves Off
Raw. Relatable. Re-readable. Unforgettable.
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
When it
comes
to books
for teens,
the topic
of bullying isn’t exactly
new. It’s something
that, by the time we
reach adulthood and
are finally able to
start making our own
decisions, we will
have encountered in
some form or another.
And yet, somehow,
Louisa Reid’s young
adult novel, Gloves Off,
manages to encapsulate
the whole, horrid
experience in what
feels like a unique and
visceral way.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
Written in poetic verse,
Lily, a teen in secondary
school, shares her
experience of being
mercilessly, physically
and emotionally bullied.
When a particularly
bad incident forces
Lily to open up about
her experiences, she is
introduced to boxing
as a way to confront
her fears, stand up for
herself, and own her
own space.
Split between Lily’s
perspective and her
mother, Bernadette’s,
thoughts and feelings,
it’s easy to become
swept away with
Lily’s journey from
victimhood to learning
to take charge of her
life, and discovering her
voice. An emotionally
taxing read, Lily’s
journey feels as
refreshingly authentic
as it is frustrating.
ADULT INFLUENCES
From our personal
expectations to our
world view, the adults
around us shape us
more than we might
realise. Throughout
Gloves Off, we see how
Lily’s life, experiences,
and expectations, have
been affected by those
around her. From her
distinctly working-class
background and the
unsafe estate in which
she lives, we see how
the pressure to succeed
can be as stifling as
it can be a source of
strength.
While Lily’s
relationships with her
mother, who shares
many of the same
weight and confidence
struggles, and her
father – a supportive
and loving, if albeit at
times absent, figure –
create a complex, often
thought-provoking
backdrop, it is Lily’s
school life that is one
of the most frustrating
aspects of her story.
Highlighting the
failings of over-worked,
under-experienced
young teachers, it
feels like Lily is being
failed by a system
that should be there
to make everyone feel
safe and included.
While Lily seems able
to brush off the failings
of her teachers, as a
reader, I was left feeling
frustrated and angry
on her behalf. And this,
in many ways, is how
the author succeeds
in creating such a
believable, and heart-
68 • happiful.com • March 2020

wrenching story; we see
genuine human failings,
rather than easily
dismissable villains or
malicious intentions
from those around her.
SHOULD I BUY IT?
Yes. If, like me, you’re
unfamiliar with fiction
written in poetic verse,
it can take a little
while to get used to
the format, however
it’s easy to become
lost in the rhythm and
authenticity of Lily and
Bernadette’s voices. The
stylistic choices help
readers to feel more
connected with Lily
in particular, and her
thoughts and feelings
as you experience each
twist and turn along
with her.
For teen and young
adult readers, getting
a glimpse into Lily’s
mother’s perspective
offers a truly unique
take. Highlighting
the delicate balance
between how parents
can teach and guide
us, and how they risk
passing on their own
insecurities and fears
to their children, it
feels like both parents
and teens alike can
each get something
different, yet equally
as valuable, from
reading Gloves Off.
Offering a stark
reminder of how
cruel teens can be,
Gloves Off is not only
a must-read for teens
who have experienced
bullying themselves,
If you liked this, you’ll love...
but is an important
narrative for all of us.
Intrinsically, we want
to fit in – we want
to be liked. Gloves
Off reminds us that
using cruel words – or
turning away when
we see behaviour that
we know isn’t right –
can have a significant
impact, perhaps just
as much as that of
those who are actively,
overtly bullying
others.
Touching on so many
important subjects,
from self-loathing
to suicidal thoughts,
friendship to social
isolation, fat-shaming
to building selfesteem,
Gloves Off is
simply a must-read, no
matter your age.
Must
Reads
To find out more
about spotting the
signs of bullying,
and advice for
teachers, parents
and employers,
visit counsellingdirectory.org.uk
Gloves Off
by Louisa Reid
Paperback available
from 5 March 2020
(Guppy Books, £7.99)
Great for…
No Big Deal
by Bethany Rutter
What If
by Anna Russell
Being Miss
Nobody by
Tasmin Winter
• Teens looking to see
the wider impact of
bullying
• Parents with teens
Emily knows she’s smart,
funny, awesome – and fat. She
doesn’t need anyone else to
tell her these things; she likes
herself and her body – it’s time
everyone else caught up.
Written in poetic verse,
Russell’s latest novel
explores mental health,
OCD, and the impact our
struggles can have on
friends and family.
Rosalind hates her new school,
and is an easy target. Creating
a new blog, Miss Nobody,
Rosalind finds a place to speak
up. But has Miss Nobody
become a bully herself?
• Anyone who has
struggled with
their weight, selfconfidence,
or
bullying
March 2020 • happiful.com • 69

Acupuncture
Getting to the point
It’s thought to have been around for more than 5,000 years, and today it’s used
alongside standard treatments as an alternative therapy that promises to be the
solution to a number of complaints, from chronic pain to mood control. So what
can you expect from an acupuncture appointment? Happiful’s Kathryn Wheeler
took to the treatment chair to find out
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
For me, acupuncture
is the Big Foot of
alternative therapies.
Everyone knows
someone who
knows someone who’s tried it,
and there are plenty of myths
and unanswered questions that
surround it. Does it hurt? How
can having needles systematically
tapped into your skin be relaxing?
And, vitally, does it work?
Acupuncture is used as a
complementary therapy to soothe
complaints about everything from
muscle and body pain, to stress,
anxiety and depression. Using
very fine needles that are tucked
under the skin at specific points
on the body, the practice is based
on traditional Chinese medicine
which believes that life energy
flows through us. It’s thought
that this energy can get stuck
or blocked, causing pain or low
mood, but that it can be relieved by
the needles, restoring our balance.
While some modern practitioners
embrace this traditional belief,
many now work alongside Western
medical practices, viewing it as a
means of tapping into neurological
systems, and a way to complement
formal diagnoses and treatments.
Eager to find out more, I headed
to therapist Toni Hennings,
at Crowthorne Health, to try
acupuncture for myself.
I’ll admit, before I arrived, I was
feeling apprehensive. I don’t have
a fear of needles, as such, though
the thought of what was about
to happen did make me a little
nervous. But my fears were soon
put to bed.
To begin the session, we sat down
to chat about my medical history.
Of the 90-minute appointment,
this took up the bulk of the time as
Toni meticulously worked through
everything from childhood
illnesses, to my general lifestyle –
reassuring me that no stone would
be left unturned, and that the
treatment would be tailored to my
specific needs.
I got undressed and lay face down
on a massage table, as Toni began to
gently press up and down my back,
either side of my spine, feeling for
where to insert the needles. She
told me to take a deep breath in,
Try this at home
While it’s not a good idea to
experiment with acupuncture
on yourself, you can try pushing
certain pressure points with
your fingers to relieve stress and
anxiety.
Feeling worked up or
overwhelmed? Run your finger
down your pinkie and into your
wrist crease, keeping it in line
with your little finger. Pressing
firmly on this point is thought
to alleviate anxiety and help to
regulate your emotions.
and then on the out-breath, she
tapped in the first needle.
To say I didn’t feel anything would
be a lie... I did feel the needle go in,
and as she worked down my back,
some areas were more sensitive
than others. It was a small prick,
like you may expect, but there was
no pain once they were in place –
and as she left me with the needles
in my back for a few minutes, I
soon forgot they were there, and
began to feel calm and relaxed.
After a short time, Toni removed
the needles, and I slowly got up to
70 • happiful.com • March 2020

sit back on the table. Moving on to
target points specifically chosen
to ease stress and anxiety, she put
two needles in my knees and in
my wrists. Now, honestly, these
points tested my cringe-factor.
It’s not every day that you spend
a morning sitting with needles in
your soft spots, but I closed my
eyes and breathed through the
taps, soon settling back into the
calm place I was before.
Following the session, we
reflected on how the treatment
went, discussing how acupuncture
could be used long-term to manage
mood – and touching on how, often,
people who come for a physical
problem will find the wellness
benefits are just as powerful.
For me, I left feeling energised
and intrigued about the potential
that acupuncture has to be an
effective treatment across so many
different areas. And that night I
slept soundly straight through to
my alarm, something Toni had
predicted would happen.
If you have any hang-ups about
whether the treatment will be
painful, let me put your mind
at ease – you may feel a small
prick, but make sure to breathe
through the insertion and you will
be fine. For those uncomfortable
with needles, you probably don’t
need me to say that this may
not be the treatment for you.
But with a relaxed mindset, and
good communication with your
therapist, acupuncture can be a
great complementary therapy that
gets straight to the point of your
concerns.
Visit crowthornehealth.co.uk
to find out more, or head to
therapy-directory.org.uk to
discover therapists in your area.

72 • happiful.com • March 2020

Why is getting
anxiety
medication
so anxiety
inducing?
When you live with
anxiety, certain tasks can
feel overwhelming – none
more so than booking an
appointment with your
doctor for support
Writing | Kat Nicholls
Standing in front of my
wardrobe, looking at what
clothes I should pack
for a weekend away, I
started to cry. My anxiety was at
its worst; the simplest of tasks felt
impossible.
When you have anxiety, your
thinking gets very fast and your
brain works overtime. Your
body reacts accordingly – cue
symptoms like chest pain,
nausea and dizziness – putting
you in a constant state of fight or
flight. This can leave very little
headspace for decision-making
and carrying out simple tasks.
It’s no wonder that, for many of
us living with anxiety, life admin
often falls to the bottom of our
to-do list. This can be even
more pertinent when it comes
to tasks involving our anxiety,
such as booking a doctor’s
appointment, or getting repeat
prescriptions.
Before we can get the help we need,
we often need to overcome obstacles.
Some of these are in our mind, and
some are very much in the real
world. But whatever obstacles you
are facing, there are ways to leapfrog
them, and get the support you need. >>>
March 2020 • happiful.com • 73

THE OBSTACLE: TALKING
TO A DOCTOR
“With mental health conditions
that aren’t always visible, like
anxiety, people can worry that
others – including their doctor –
won’t believe them,” counsellor
Sarah Lane explains. “Sometimes
clients are socially anxious, and
seeing an authority figure, such as
their GP, might be challenging for
them, as they fear being judged.”
Sadly the fear of not being
believed can, in some cases, come
from experience. Jessica Pardoe
tells me how she was affected
when the first doctor she visited
about panic attacks dismissed her.
“It caused me to totally resent
the idea of talking to a medical
professional about the way I was
feeling again for some time. Every
time I went to the GP I considered
bringing it up, but had that usual
twang of anxiety that stopped me
from doing so.”
With encouragement from her
boyfriend, Jessica was able to go
to a different doctor and received
the support and medication she
needed. The experience does still
come up in her mind, however,
when she goes for check-ups.
“I’d love it if initiatives could
be introduced to help curb the
anxiousness that doctor’s surgeries
and pharmacies bring about.
Perhaps less intimidating decor,
or finding a new way to book in
patients for appointments without
them having to state what they're
visiting for – which, if you live with
anxiety, is awful.”
HOW TO OVERCOME IT
First of all, remember that you
deserve to be heard. If you have
a bad experience, or
aren’t comfortable
speaking to a certain
doctor, you can
request to talk to
another. If you’re
worried about leaving
the house, or being at
the doctor’s surgery
itself, ask your doctor
if they offer telephone
assessments, or home
visits. If they can’t,
they may be able to
recommend a quieter
time for you to book an
appointment.
It can help to have
someone attend your
appointment with you
for support, and some
GP practices also allow
other people to book
appointments for you.
If talking about your
mental health worries
you, Sarah encourages
you to remember
the facts: “Anxiety
is very common;
a high percentage
of your doctor’s patients will
also have anxiety, so they are
likely to understand what you’re
experiencing and how it might be
affecting you.”
THE OBSTACLE: GETTING
APPOINTMENTS AND
PRESCRIPTIONS
According to GPonline, nearly
three quarters of GPs in the UK
reported a rise in appointments
over the past year in their practice.
With more appointments and
not enough doctors to help,
delays in getting appointments
If you’re unhappy with the
service you’re receiving, you
can make a complaint. You
can do this directly, following
the surgery’s complaints
procedure, which should be
available on their website. If
the problem isn’t resolved,
you can complain to the NHS
Commissioning Board, email:
contactus@nhs.net or call
0300 311 22 33.
and medication are sometimes
inevitable.
“The biggest problem with
getting medication for anxiety is
actually booking to see a doctor,”
Ben Taylor tells me.
74 • happiful.com • March 2020

What matters is that you are
able to access any healthcare
treatment that you need
“Both myself and my sister got
knocked back because the nurses
at our practice can’t talk about
mental health issues. So you build
yourself up to go, and end up
leaving empty handed and told to
book again with someone else...
which you don’t.”
In 2019, changes in legislation
allowed advanced paramedics
to prescribe medication, and
Ben says this has made a real
difference in his area. Having said
this, it’s clear that availability and
waiting times for appointments
are ongoing issues.
HOW TO OVERCOME IT
The best approach here is to
get familiar with your doctor’s
surgery, and do your homework.
Find out the best ways to book an
appointment and ask about typical
waiting times.
Apps like Patient Access and
MyGP may also be able to
help. These allow you to book
appointments, pharmacy services,
and access medical content easily.
Speak to your doctors about the
booking services that they’re
supported by.
THE OBSTACLE: REMEMBERING
TO ORDER REPEAT
PRESCRIPTIONS
When you first start taking a
new medication, you’ll need
to have regular appointments
with your doctor to ensure it’s
helping you. While this can feel
stressful, we all react differently
to medication and it’s important
to be monitored initially. You may
need adjustments to ensure what
you’re taking is working as well as
possible.
For Dan Francis, getting past this
point to a place where he could
order repeat prescriptions made
things easier. However, he found
it tricky to remember to order
medication before he ran out.
“The main way to get medication
when this happens is to contact the
doctor’s practice and request an
emergency prescription, but this
can take up to five days to be ready.
“For a few months I was
limited to a two-week supply as
I was forced to see a doctor for a
check-up... even though the next
appointment I could book was
in a month’s time. This meant I
had to keep putting in emergency
prescriptions to the doctor’s
practice just so I could have
enough to keep me going.”
HOW TO OVERCOME IT
For Dan, help came in the form of
technical assistance. He was able
to use the Patient Access app to
order repeat prescriptions to be
delivered to his local pharmacy
and used calendar reminders to
prompt him.
“Setting reminders in my
calendar in advance so I
knew when to order my next
prescription really helped take
the pressure off worrying about
forgetting it.”
There are several services
available to help you order repeat
prescriptions easily, including
Healthera, Well, and Echo
Pharmacy. Speak to your doctor
and find out which services are
available in your area.
Finally, when it comes to both
booking appointments and
getting prescriptions, Sarah
advises us to not put them off.
“When we avoid things,
although it makes us feel better
in the short term, in the longer
term it tends to increase our
anxiety. Try to put aside worries
about what other people – GPs,
receptionists, pharmacists,
assistants – think of you. What
really matters is that you are
able to access any healthcare
treatment that you need.”
Keeping up with appointments
and taking any prescribed
medication is, ultimately, a form
of self-care. Try to see it in this
way, and lean on the support of
loved ones, and even apps, when
you need to.
Learn more about Sarah Lane’s
work and find support for anxiety at
counselling-directory.org.uk
March 2020 • happiful.com • 75

PUKKA-UP
Romance isn’t dead – it’s just not always
as easy as it once was. We delve into
the secrets to a long-lasting relationship
with the digital parenting superstar duo,
Mother and Papa Pukka, who reveal
their top tips to rediscover your
long-term love...
Writing | Gemma Calvert
When does the gloss
dull on a shiny,
happy marriage? For
author, presenter
and journalist Anna Whitehouse,
it was precisely eight years and
two children after saying “I do” –
the moment she discovered one
of her husband’s jagged toenail
clippings in her cosmetics bag.
“That was the straw that broke
the camel’s back,” admits Anna,
whose filter-free parenting blog,
Mother Pukka, has become a
go-to for frazzled parents. Over
the past six years, Anna has
“cracked open the very real
issues” of her life, sharing her
innermost feelings with her
241,000 Instagram followers,
about everything from five
miscarriages, PTSD, anxiety and
postnatal depression, to working
in pyjamas, getting “spangled”
with her mum on a rare night out,
and swimming with two kids (FYI
don’t do it).
During the hard
times, Anna, 38,
credits her hubby
– fellow journalist
Matt Farquharson,
43 – with being her
rock. She recalls
with heartbreaking
clarity when she
first miscarried in A&E. “Matt just
held me and that was the point
where we got married – not the day
I was worried about favours, the
live band, and 5,000 Scrabble tiles
spelling out our guests’ names,’ she
says. “We got married in a hospital
ward during one of the darkest
moments we’ve experienced
together.”
But by the beginning of last
year, Anna and Matt’s solidity
had weakened. Confused by the
seemingly gaping chasm between
“I do” and “The End”, and tired of
daily frustrations with each other,
the couple became disillusioned
by marriage.
“It’s easy to cruise along and
think ‘everything’s fine’, but you
let little disappointments go, and
ignore things that should be dealt
with – that shortness with your
partner, that sarkiness about
mundane nonsense, starts to build
and affect someone,” explains
Matt, aka Papa Pukka, whose
hilarious take on fatherhood has
turned him and Anna into digital
parenting royalty.
Anna agrees. “It was never one
thing, it was an amalgamation of
things that were chipping away
at our happiness, and wearing
down on what was once a really
shiny thing,” she says, adding that
Photography | Emily Gray
76 • happiful.com • March 2020

Anna and Matt’s Flex Appeal campaign for flexible
working for parents, has helped get a bill read in
parliament. They are striving to change attitudes
about a ‘one-size-fits-all’ worklife, and to think
about individual needs instead
Matt just held me and that was the
point where we got married – not the day
I was worried about 5,000 Scrabble tiles
spelling out our guests’ names. We got
married in a hospital ward during one of
the darkest moments we’ve experienced
Images | Instagram @mother_pukka
such issues were compounded by
“exhaustion, postnatal depression,
redundancy, the weight of finances
and admin”.
All of this led Anna to one place –
hunting for an escape route.
“I’ve said to Matt a couple of
times ‘Maybe I should just f**k
off,’” she confesses. ‘You get to the
point where you wonder ‘Is this it?’
and ‘If this is it, do I want this?’”
To find answers, Anna and Matt
committed not to a divorce, but
to writing a book “separately but
together”. They agreed on nine
topics, from going it alone to porn,
and then wrote down their deepest
thoughts while interviewing
experts including residents of a
love commune, monks, and their
own parents. They only read
each other’s contributions before
penning the final chapter. The
process, says Anna, “nearly broke
us, then mended us again”.
“One psychiatrist said ‘being
married or in a long-term
relationship is about as close as
you can get to being in therapy
without being in therapy’ because
the other person is this mirror,
reflecting back to you your very
best and worst traits,” says Matt,
who believes the process helped
them reframe the meaning of the
“elusive” happily-ever-after by
getting real about the dynamics of
a modern-day relationship.
“It’s taught me patience and a
rediscovered mutual respect. We’ve
now worked out what the next stage
is, and that it can be just as happy if
not happier.”
But Anna and Matt, whose 2017
book Parenting The S*** Out Of Life
became a Sunday Times bestseller,
refute the suggestion that they are
now bonafide relationship gurus.
“We’re just two exhausted
people who found divorce one
administrative thing too many,”
laughs Anna. “Matt and I are still on
a journey… but I haven’t told him I
want to f**k off for a very long time!” >>>
March 2020 • happiful.com • 77

THE PUKKA
ROUTE TO
HAPPILY
EVER AFTER
How are you? Who are you?’ We
have lost each other so very much
in the last few years, because we
haven’t checked in enough in this
pursuit of the bigger, the better,
the faster, the richer.”
3 STRIKE A BALANCE BETWEEN
BEING SUPPORTIVE AND
OVER-DEPENDENT
“One of the things we learned is
the huge value in being able to
bugger off and be by yourself,”
says Matt. “Everyone needs a
little bit of time in their own
head and you don’t often get that,
especially in a family set-up.
Creating a bit of space purely for
you, whether through exercise,
going to a museum or watching a
film, is incredibly important for
helping you appreciate the time
you do have with your partner.”
1 EMBRACE THE MUNDANE
“Realise that the mundane is the
happy ever after, that the banal
cheese and pickle sandwich, and a
cheeky bum squeeze by the fridge,
are the things to celebrate, not big
romantic dinners where there’s so
much pressure to have the perfect
date,” advises Anna. “Stop chasing
what Google wants you to find,
what Getty Images are telling you
love looks like. Stop looking for
that Disney happy ever after.”
2 CHOOSE YOUR WORDS
CAREFULLY
“It’s easy to stop trying when
you’ve been with someone for a
while,” admits Matt. “It’s worth
stopping to think: ‘If I was to give
my best self to this person, what
would that look like, and what
would I be doing?’”
“Be vocal about your needs,”
adds Anna. “I recently said to
Matt, ‘I just need you to ask me
sometimes, ‘How was your day?
4 FIND YOUR ‘SOMETHING'
“When one person feels like
they’ve lost themselves, maybe
after giving up their career,
there’s often a sense of ‘who am I
now?’ For a healthy relationship
with yourself and with your
partner, you have to have that
something,” says Anna. “The
minute I stopped putting heavy
expectations on other humans
in my life to fix me and make
me happy was when – through
writing this book – I found
happiness. It was such a simple
shift.”
5 WORSHIP YOUR PARTNER AS
MUCH AS THE KIDS
“A psychiatrist I spoke to said
problems creep into relationships
when parents worship their
children in a way that they don’t
any more worship their partner,”
explains Matt. “What kids need to
78 • happiful.com • March 2020

As part of the Flex Appeal campaign, which supports
parents, carers, creatives, and anyone for whom the
standard nine to five isn’t suitable, Anna and Matt
organised a flash mob dance in Trafalgar Square
see is a loving, mutually respectful
relationship between whoever is
raising them. It’s easy for people
to overlook that, and I’ve definitely
realised I need to make my best
effort with Anna as much as I do
with our kids.”
6 GET PHYSICAL
“On a really primal level, the more
you have sex, the more you want
to have sex, the more you feel
connected, and the healthier and
happier you are. The physical side
can just be contact – a hug or a
fruity WhatsApp message,” says
Anna. “That said, the other day I
messaged Matt to say ‘let’s get it on
tonight’ then by the evening I was
really tired, I’d dealt with a doctor’s
appointment over a potential
bunion, and I wasn’t there!
Actually, what mattered was that
contact, a hug, and recognising
that those little moments build up
to a bigger picture.”
7 TREASURE THE TOUGH TIMES
“Recognise that tears can be
just as good as laughter,” insists
Anna. “If you Google romance
and love, you’ll see pictures of
sunsets and cocktails on holiday
in warm weather with a very
heteronormative couple holding
hands. The images should be those
when you’re in a million pieces,
sobbing on the floor with mascara
running down your face, unable to
find a way out of the door through
anxiety, or postnatal depression,
or post-miscarriage trauma, and
your partner is there lifting you
up, holding you up as you sob,
saying ‘It’s sh*t and I’m here.’”
8 BE CONTENT WITH THE NOW
“The desire to get on and do better
is part of the reason people end
up having affairs,” warns Matt.
“People remember the great
relationship they had with their
partner in their 20s, then 15 years
later, with kids and a mortgage,
hanker after that with someone
else. Marriage vows say ‘for richer,
for poorer’, but ‘the poorer’ is
more important. Tackle that.
Money isn’t going to buy the joy
that you’re seeking.”
‘Where’s My Happy Ending?’
by Anna Whitehouse and Matt
Farquharson is available now
(Bluebird, £14.99)
March 2020 • happiful.com • 79

Small changes to feel
POWERFUL
We all have days when we feel out of our depth and like we’ve lost control. Here
are five small changes you can make to get back on top. It’s your time to shine
Writing | Ellen Hoggard Illustrating | Rosan Magar
We live in a ‘switched
on’ world where we
pride ourselves on
being busy. We work
hard, maintaining social lives and
relationships, while also striving to
be the best version of ourselves. But
sometimes, this constant state of
busyness can leave us feeling downand-out.
Naturally, we hit a point of
exhaustion, and when things feel
out of our control, we typically fall
back and surrender.
But there are ways you can
reignite your energy levels and
80 • happiful.com • March 2020

get your power back. Lifestyle
changes and maintenance –
regular movement, healthy eating
and time for yourself – are key in
looking after both your physical
and mental health, and we know
that. However, there are some
tricks you may not know that can
jump-start the ignition. Small
changes you can make to feel
powerful, whether it’s planning
your week ahead, or sneaking
into a room five minutes before
a meeting to flex your favourite
power pose. Ready?
1 RECOGNISE THE PROBLEM
If there’s something specific
grinding your gears, acknowledge
it. Are you feeling overwhelmed by
your ever-growing to-do list? Have
you got a month full of social plans,
but really, all you want is a night
in your pyjamas and a takeaway
pizza? Has a loved one or colleague
annoyed you, and you can’t seem to
get it out of your head?
Whatever it is that’s winding
you up, acknowledge it. Shout it
from the rooftops. Get in your car
and scream. Let out a loud sigh,
dropping your shoulders as you
release the breath. Sometimes, it’s
letting go of your frustrations in a
physical way that can immediately
give you a sense of relief.
2 MAKE A LIST
Write down the things you need to
do – or think you need to do. If you
have a million things going round
in your head, you’re never going to
be able to focus and do them all to
your best ability. Write everything
down and then, be ruthless. What
do you absolutely need to do?
Mark the tasks. Next, mark the
jobs that are important, but not
urgent. Then, mark the things that
someone else can do, or are low
priority.
On a new piece of paper, write
the top three things you need
(and want) to get done. Forget all
the little jobs and things that are
holding you back. You now have
your list for the day (or week) – try
to stick to it. Giving yourself this
time to complete your priority
tasks will leave you feeling much
better – and totally in control.
3 GET DRESSED
When you’re feeling stressed, it
can take a lot of energy to actually
get out of bed and dressed. But
trust me, putting on your favourite
outfit – one that makes you feel
like you can do anything – is a
quick trick that can really put a
pep in your step.
When you’re wearing what makes
you feel good, you naturally hold
your head higher. And by being
open and standing tall, you allow
air into your lungs. You relax
your shoulders and float with
ease. Sometimes, it’s as simple as
pushing your shoulders back and
taking a deep breath.
4 TREAT YOURSELF
This may be as small as picking
up a coffee on the way to work,
or arranging a night out (or night
in) with your loved ones and a
delicious meal. It’s easy to get
bogged down with the negative
stuff and forget to spend time on
yourself.
A simple but effective change can
be your attitude. There’s nothing
wrong with throwing your hands
up and proclaiming, f**k it! Forget
Get in the stance
that for you,
reflects true
power, and soon
you’ll be oozing
strength and
confidence
those little worries that you can’t
do anything about. Often in the
grand scheme of things, they
don’t matter. Book some time
away. Take a day off to do what
you want. Leave the guilt behind.
5 FIND YOUR POWER POSE
For an instant boost in energy,
confidence and power, you need
to find your power pose. Brought
to public attention by psychologist
Amy Cuddy, whose TedTalk has
now garnered more than 55
million views, power posing is a
technique in which you adopt a
stance you associate with power,
in the hope of “feeling and
behaving more assertively”.
It may sound silly, but for many
people, taking five minutes
before a big presentation to take
a deep breath, and stand in a
position that represents power,
can instantly lift your mood and
clear doubts. It doesn’t have to
be applied only at work either; if
you’re going on a date, or doing
something that makes you feel a
little nervous, channel your inner
power muse (think, what would
Beyoncé do?). Get in the stance
that for you, reflects true power,
and soon you’ll be oozing strength
and confidence, and going about
your day with ease.
March 2020 • happiful.com • 81

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82 • happiful.com • March 2020 HAPPIMAR, which expires on 16 April 2020. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

Konnie Huq:
An exact science
What did you want to be when
you grew up? A police officer?
A teacher? An analytical
textile technologist? The world
of science can often feel
mysterious, but author and
ex-Blue Peter presenter Konnie
Huq is on a mission to open up
the world of STEM to the next
generation. Here, we speak
about the pressure to conform,
the importance of visibility,
and her debut children’s
book, Cookie… and the Most
Annoying Boy in the World
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Photoraphy | Ed Miller
It “ was a different time,” Konnie
Huq says, as she reflects on
her childhood, and the ways it
compares to those of children
in 2020. “We used to play out all
day in the holidays, we’d be on our
bikes and just come in to eat.”
Today’s children have a lot to
contend with, from tackling the
technology problem (Is it good? Is
it bad? When is enough, enough?),
to an ever increasing pressure to
perform at school – and, of course,
the age-old question: what am I
going to be when I grow up? >>>
March 2020 • happiful.com • 83

When I was growing
up, going into TV
as an Asian wasn’t
necessarily something
I thought was actually
a possibility
“I was going to be an engineer,”
says Konnie. “I did physics,
chemistry, maths, and further
maths A-levels. My parents came
over from Bangladesh in the 1960s
with dreams of their kids being
scientists, engineers, doctors,
accountants, and mathematicians
– because those were revered
professions.”
In the end, Konnie took another
course, stepping into the limelight
when she first appeared on our
screens in 1994, presenting a
Saturday morning children’s TV
show on GMTV, before going on
to be Blue Peter’s longest-serving
female presenter, from 1997–2007.
Though, she notes that this wasn’t
something she did, or even realised
she could, aspire to as a child.
“When I was growing up,
going into TV as an Asian wasn’t
necessarily something I thought
was a possibility because I didn’t
see any others,” she says. “And
actually I sort of fell into my job.
I went to open auditions for TV
presenters, but not with a view to
getting a job as a TV presenter, just
for a fun day out.”
“I remember hearing a lady’s
voice on the radio when I was really
young and thinking, ‘I didn’t realise
women can do radio DJing as well.’
So it’s only what you’re used to that
you see as a possibility.”
84 • happiful.com • March 2020

There are so many forces at play
when it comes to predicting how
our lives will pan out. Wealth,
ethnicity, disability, geographical
location, and many more variables
all come together to affect the
choices that we make. So often,
the first step to breaking down
these invisible barriers is visibility
– seeing people who look, sound,
and think like you, doing the
things you aspire to be.
“My role model, though I don’t
know if I had her when I was
a kid, is Ada Lovelace,” Konnie
says. “She’s the epitome of a
woman scientist. She foresaw that
computers had the ability to make
music, pictures, and all the things
they do today. Though I don’t
know that I discovered her when I
was at school, because she wasn’t
celebrated as much as all the men
you hear about.”
These days, we’re taking the
time to retrospectively celebrate
the women who may not have
got the credit they deserved in
their time. But the current gender
divide in who’s going into STEM
(science, technology, engineering,
and mathematics) subjects and
industries is something worth
talking about. Girls make up just
35% of students taking STEM
subjects at school and in higher
education, and just 22% of the
industry workforce. Undeniably,
there’s something at play here,
and this issue is at the heart of
Konnie’s debut children’s book
series Cookie.
A sassy, determined girl, Cookie’s
love for science takes her down a
path of hilarity and the occasional
sticky situation (think classroom
lemonade bottle experiments
gone explosively wrong). Konnie
describes the series – the second of
which she is currently writing – as
‘stealth woke’, subtly expanding
readers’ experiences of different
people, and weaving in lessons on
all kinds of systems, from solar
to social.
“For instance, Cookie is from
an ethnic minority family. She’s
Muslim. Her best friend has
two dads,” Konnie explains. “It’s
the minorities that make up the
majority, and the majority is more
interesting for the variety. That’s
what inclusivity and diversity
are about.
“So I’ve got a lot of that in the
book, but instead of shoving
it down people’s throats it’s
secondary,” she continues. “It
doesn’t affect the plot that Cookie
is Muslim, or that Cookie is from
Bangladesh. It’s nothing to do
with it. It’s like you’re saying if a
character has green eyes. We’re all
defined by so many things.”
But breaking free of the messages
that tell us to blend in with
everyone else, and celebrating
who we are, isn’t always easy – and
Konnie notes that the early years
of her career were full of pressure
to “conform” to a certain standard.
“When I was in my 20s, I was
more easily led by other people,”
Konnie says. “I was never really
into fashion, but for work I was
told that I had to be into fashion.
I do think that when you’re in
this industry you have to play the
game. You have to toe the line.”
For Konnie, a lesson that she’s
learned over time is that happiness
can be found in the simple
things in life – with the people
you surround yourself with, and
the things that you choose to
prioritise.
‘Cookie! and the Most Annoying
Boy in the World’ by Konnie Huq is
available now (Piccadilly
Press, £6.99)
“When you find friends who
you really like and who you really
get on with, that’s kind of all you
need,” she says. “I can go have a
laugh with them or chat to them,
and I come back thinking, ‘That
was priceless.’ Happiness comes
from within, it comes from
helping each other.”
At a time when questions about
consumerism, technology,
and the future of the planet,
are all weighing heavily on our
minds, it can be easy to take the
dimmer outlook. But perhaps
by turning our focus on to the
people who matter most to us,
while simultaneously broadening
our horizons and embracing the
limitlessness of our abilities, we
can begin to make the difference
that we want to see in the world
around us.
As for Konnie, is she hopeful for
the future?
“Just look how amazing young
children are,” she says. “Yes, I am.
I am, definitely.”
March 2020 • happiful.com • 85

Is mental health on your company agenda?
We believe mental health first aid training should be given equal importance to physical
first aid training in every workplace. If you would like to become a mental health first aider
at work, Happiful can train you, and we've created this email template to help you explain
the benefits to your boss
Dear ,
I'd like to become a mental health first aider for
and I'm hoping you can help.
Here are some of the reasons why
will benefit from offering Mental Health First Aid training to our
employees:
1. Build staff confidence to have open conversations around mental
health, and break the stigma in the office and in society.
2. Encourage people to access early support when needed. Early
intervention means faster recovery.
3. Empower people with a long-term mental health issue or disability
to thrive in work, and ensure that we are compliant with legislation
in the Equality Act 2010.
4. Promote a mentally healthy environment, and allow people to thrive
and become more productive.
5. Embed a long-term, positive culture across the whole organisation,
where our employees recognise their mental and physical health are
supported as equal parts of the whole person.
6. Proudly share that mental health is on our company agenda, and
improve retention as a result of a reduction in staff stress levels.
Happiful offers two-day mental health first aid training courses for
individuals across the country for £235 + VAT per person, and they
can also offer bespoke courses on-site at our workplace if we have a
minimum of eight attendees.
Yours sincerely,
Did you know that stress,
anxiety, and depression
are the biggest causes of
sickness absence in our
society?
Mental ill-health is
currently responsible for
91 million working days
lost each year. The cost
to UK employers is £34.9
billion each year.*
Happiful has partnered
with Simpila Healthy
Solutions to offer
internationally recognised
courses and training
events in the UK.
Each course is delivered
by an accredited Mental
Health First Aid England
instructor and is delivered
in a safe, evidence-based
programme.
Proudly working with
*Source: MHFA England
SIMPILA
Healthy Solutions
To register your company’s interest or to book an
individual place, visit training.happiful.com or
drop us an email at training@happiful.com

TRUE LIFE
A voice of
understanding
After years of hiding his pain and depression, Henry
found himself at breaking point. But the connection
and trust with a special therapist, and his own passion
for music, opened him up to the possibility of a brighter
future – one which he embraced whole-heartedly
Writing | Henry Grace
Photogrphy | Emmanuelle Le Chat
When I was
18, I was
diagnosed
with
depression. It was 2010,
and I had just finished
high school. But instead
of celebrating with my
friends, I was admitted to
a psychiatric hospital in
London. The truth is that
it was a relief. For so many
years, I’d covered up my
depression and, to some
extent, hidden it pretty
well from even myself.
I never told anyone about
the pain I was in, the selfharming,
or that I almost
took my own life when I
was 16. It probably seems
strange that I was unaware
I needed help. But mental
health was just never a
conversation at home or at
school. And so when the
truth finally came out, I
hoped that life would get
a little better.
But after three years of
therapy, and a few stints
in psychiatric hospitals,
my condition had only
worsened. I’d been
diagnosed with multiple
mental illnesses, and was
put on a cocktail of drugs
that left me comatose
half of the time. I felt
completely hopeless
and often contemplated
suicide. The few things
that brought me any real
happiness during this time
were my family, friends,
and writing music. I count
myself incredibly lucky to
have not only lived a life
surrounded by wonderful
people, but also to have
found a passion so early
on that has always found a
way of guiding me. Music
has helped shape me as a
person and, in many ways,
defined my life so far.
But by the time I turned
21, life had pretty much
unravelled. I could
no longer maintain
relationships, couldn’t get
a job, or even get through
the day without having
a panic attack. I had
overdosed twice, dropped
out of university, and
stopped writing music.
With nowhere else to go,
I moved back home to
my parents’ farm in rural
Oxfordshire and, after
only a week or two, found
myself contemplating
suicide again.
Suicide is a really complex
topic. It totally devastates
everything it touches but,
for so many who feel like
they can no longer cope, it
often seems like the only
way out. For me, life had
become unbearable. I had,
quite literally, lost the will
to live and so, one summer
evening, I walked out the
door of our farm and tried
to end my life.
A few days later, I woke
up to find myself in a
hospital hooked up to
multiple machines. I can
remember closing my
eyes tightly and feeling
devastated that I had
survived. When doctors
told me that there were
no available beds in any
of the NHS psychiatric
hospitals across the UK,
my family organised for
me to go to a rehab in
Arizona. Two days later, I
found myself boarding a
plane to America.
I arrived in Arizona a
completely broken man.
But it didn’t take long for
me to find my feet. >>>
March 2020 • happiful.com • 87

Henry performing at
Bush Hall, fundraising
for Young Minds, in 2019
Photogrphy | (Right) Isabella Clegg
For me, life had
become unbearable
On my second day, I
met my therapist. He told
me his life story – how
he’d lived through gang
warfare, abuse, addiction
and depression, and how
he’d transformed his life
to eventually become the
man sitting across from
me. It blew me away. No
therapist had ever told
me anything personal
before. But before I even
had a chance to catch my
breath, he was asking to
hear my story.
And so I spilled my
whole life out before him.
He listened and somehow
made me feel completely
comfortable. It was as if,
for the very first time, I
was telling my story to
someone who actually
understood. When I
finished, there was a
brief silence between us
as I watched the wheels
in his mind turn, before
he asked plainly: “What
would your life look like,
if it wasn’t like this?” I
told him I had no idea.
He nodded in agreement,
looked me dead in the eye,
and asked: “Do you want
to change?”
The question took me by
surprise. Not because it
was so direct, but because
no one had ever asked it
before. Usually therapists
took these moments to
just tell me what they
thought was wrong with
me, and that I needed to
do this or that to cope. But
here was a man simply
asking me if I wanted to
change, and asking in such
a way that made change
almost seem possible. Hope
started to swell inside me,
and suddenly, with more
honesty and integrity than I
had ever had before, simply
said “Yes.”
At that moment I realised
that I had the power to build
the life of my dreams.
And so I admitted to
myself that, through no
fault of my own, I had
gotten myself into this
mess. Events had happened
in my life that I’d had no
control over, and no
idea how to deal with.
I’d become accustomed
to being my own worst
enemy, and had grown
to see the world not for
what it was, but for what I
perceived it to be.
By taking ownership of
my depression, I suddenly
had power over it. With
every day that passed, I
worked on changing my
way of life, my beliefs, my
actions, my views – both
of the world and of myself.
I was reclaiming my
existence, and it was the
most incredible feeling.
To achieve something
you want in life, I think you
require three things. You
88 • happiful.com • March 2020

Photogrphy | Emmanuelle Le Chat
Here was a man simply
asking me if I wanted to
change, and asking in
such a way that made
change almost seem
possible
have to believe in yourself,
you have to work hard, and
you need a bit of luck. I was
lucky to go to Arizona, I
was lucky to meet the right
people at the right time,
and I worked harder than
I ever thought possible,
but, more than anything,
I believed in myself. And
that’s what it took for me
to beat nearly a decade of
living with depression.
I don’t have all the
answers, and life still
grinds me down at times,
but I really wouldn’t
change a thing, because
my past, however hard it
was at times, has made
me who I am today. I
truly believe that hope is
everything, so I never let
go of it.
Instead of returning
home to England from
Arizona, I moved to Los
Angeles, acquired a visa,
enrolled myself in a
small college, and started
a music career. I met
people who helped me
in more ways than I can
ever possibly explain. But
what I am most grateful
for, above all else, is that
they encouraged me to
start taking my music
seriously. During my
five years in California, I
released two EPs, had my
music played on the radio,
picked up endorsements,
and, in 2016, moved to
San Francisco after being
accepted to study at the
University of California,
Berkeley.
I graduated last year
with a degree in English
Literature, and moved
back home to England,
where I now work as a
musician and a mental
health advocate for young
people. I have toured the
country, gone on air with
the BBC to talk about
mental health, and curated
shows that raise awareness
and money for mental
health charities.
Advocating for mental
health was never an
intention of mine at the
beginning, and I certainly
never imagined that I
would now be trying to help
people on a daily basis.
But, in the end, I became
so inspired by those who
shared their stories, and by
the countless people who
devote their lives to helping
others, that it only seemed
right to share mine in the
hope it can help someone,
somewhere, believe in
themselves again.
OUR EXPERT SAYS
Henry’s experience is
truly inspirational, having
overcome such adversity,
to now being in a position
where he is helping
others and shining the
light for positive change.
His journey did not come
without it’s struggles.
After multiple attempts
to end his life, Henry
found invaluable support
from his therapist that
changed his life forever.
The role that music has
played is also key for
Henry. Connecting with
an activity we enjoy is vital
to maintaining our
wellbeing, and
provided Henry
with a flourishing
self-belief.
Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Counsellor and psychotherapist
March 2020 • happiful.com • 89

Mental health
matters
After suffering severe burns as a child,
Sylvia Mac founded her campaign
and support network, Love Disfigure,
in the hopes of reaching others with
skin disfigurements. Here, she shares
personal milestones, and the things
she’s learned along the way
Mental health matters to me
because… I suffered for years
with severe depression, anxiety,
and low self-esteem due to the
scars on my body. Learning
about my mental wellbeing has
certainly helped me become the
survivor, or thriver, I am today.
When I need support I… talk to
family members to get their
advice, but more importantly
get their hugs and love.
When I need some self-care,
I… recover by resting and
spending alone time, or have spa
treatments with my daughters.
Reading positive books on selfcare
always helps. Sometimes
you’re pulled from all different
directions, but I know how to
deal with this by knowing my
self-worth.
The best lesson I’ve learned in life
is… always accept a compliment.
All too often, we deflect positive
messages such as, ‘You look
great!’ We reply, ‘Oh no, not me.’
Replying with a simple ‘thank
you’ not only makes you feel good
about yourself, but it should also
help keep that positive mindset.
The moment I felt most proud of
myself was... when I received my
Point of Light award from Theresa
May. The certificate came through
the post with ‘10 Downing Street’
marked on the envelope and I
couldn’t stop reading it over and
over. It was definitely one of my
biggest and proudest moments.
When I’m lacking motivation I...
take ‘time out’ and switch off
from everything. Sometimes I
turn off my phone and relax in
a calm environment – a bath or
swimming pool – or pop to the
gym and listen to high-energy
music until I’m back on track.
One thing that being a burn
survivor has taught me about
myself is... just how strong I am
emotionally, physically, and
mentally. I count myself as a
thriver, which is third in line after
‘victim’ and ‘survivor’. I no longer
have ‘down days’ worrying about
what people will think about me
and my scars. It’s truly amazing.
Photography | Kaye Ford
My biggest tip for self-love is…
remind yourself every day just
how beautiful you are. Look
in the mirror and repeat: ‘I am
beautiful, I am worthy’. Keep hold
of that positive mindset and carry
it throughout the day.
The main thing I want people
to know about dealing with
disfigurement is... no matter
where your skin differences
are on your body, it still affects
many people mentally as well as
physically.
Visit lovedisfigure.com for more.
Sylvia Mac will be speaking on
‘Finding Your Confidence – Inside
and Out’ at Live Well London
(28 February to 1 March). Visit
livewelllondon.com for tickets.

Photography | Joelvalve
Dance is the hidden
“language of the soul
– MARTHA GRAHAM
December 2018 • happiful • 91

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