Happiful March 2020
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THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH<br />
“I am the<br />
change<br />
Same-sex routines<br />
& slaying Strictly<br />
in heels, trailblazer<br />
Johannes Radebe<br />
has arrived<br />
“<br />
MARCH <strong>2020</strong> £4.00<br />
RELAX.<br />
UNWIND.<br />
DE-STRESS.<br />
The formula to find calm<br />
in five simple steps<br />
Let your<br />
light shine<br />
Ooze confidence and<br />
embrace your power<br />
DIET<br />
MYTHS<br />
Feed facts not<br />
fiction on p64<br />
9 772514 373000<br />
03<br />
HAPPIFUL.COM<br />
DIY wellness<br />
&FRANKIE BRIDGE: “I have depression, this is who I am”<br />
Mother Pukka<br />
Addressing anxiety
Photography | Gift Habeshaw<br />
“<br />
To dance is to be out of<br />
yourself. Larger, more<br />
beautiful, more powerful…<br />
– AGNES DE MILLE
Paving the way<br />
How do we know who we truly are?<br />
What moves and inspires us? The<br />
things that spark the excitement and<br />
passion we couldn't be without? It's<br />
often in the most testing times that we<br />
actually start to find out.<br />
As Henry David Thoreau said: "Not<br />
until we are lost do we begin to<br />
understand ourselves."<br />
In the midst of a mental labyrinth,<br />
characteristics and elements of our<br />
personality we never knew were there,<br />
can rise to the surface.<br />
We can find strength in our deepest<br />
reserves, and hope in the dark.<br />
This issue features countless stories<br />
which empitomise that notion. People<br />
who have struggled, and felt knocked<br />
down, but who found a unique path<br />
out. People revolutionising the world<br />
and attitudes around them, to make<br />
others' lives that little bit better.<br />
The incredible Johannes Radebe has<br />
been through some unimaginable<br />
events, but through it all he learned<br />
the power of embracing and putting<br />
his true self in the spotlight. Loud and<br />
proud, he's sending shockwaves<br />
through Strictly, and setting fire to<br />
gender norms.<br />
We also chat to Mother and Papa<br />
Pukka about their secrets to the<br />
elusive 'happy ending' – and how it's<br />
not the fairytale people might expect.<br />
Whether we want to redefine our own<br />
future, or inspire positive changes we<br />
want to see in the world, I hope you<br />
feel empowered reading this issue.<br />
Happily ever after comes in many<br />
forms – don't wait for the story<br />
around you to unfold. Pick up a<br />
pen, and write the<br />
next chapter.<br />
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR<br />
W | happiful.com<br />
F | happifulhq<br />
T | @happifulhq<br />
I | @happiful_magazine
Features<br />
16 Johannes Radebe<br />
The Strictly pro on family, bereavement,<br />
and being a trailblazer for the LGBTQ+<br />
community<br />
32 Frankie Bridge<br />
Star of The Saturdays opens up in our chat<br />
about being a 'work in progress'<br />
47 Helping hands<br />
The story of how one woman<br />
managed her trichotillomania with<br />
a set of acrylic nails<br />
73 Aiding anxiety<br />
Ironically, getting help for anxiety<br />
can be anxiety-inducing. Follow<br />
our guide to reaching out<br />
The Uplift<br />
8 In the news<br />
13 The wellbeing wrap<br />
14 What is echoism?<br />
Do you skip the spotlight to blend<br />
into the background?<br />
35 DIY wellness<br />
Discover the creative activities that<br />
could help you unlock mindfulness<br />
90 Quickfire: MH Matters<br />
Lifestyle and<br />
Relationships<br />
27 Get moving this <strong>March</strong><br />
28 Ditch diet culture<br />
Columnist Grace Victory explores how to<br />
break self-deprecating cycles<br />
52 Easy lovin'<br />
Learn how to follow your feelings and<br />
restore balance with your partner<br />
76 Meet the Pukkas<br />
Bloggers Mother and Papa Pukka get<br />
honest about long-term relationships<br />
Life Stories<br />
39 Sarah: Prioritising myself<br />
Sarah's world was consumed by her<br />
eating disorder, but with time and<br />
patience she found her happiness<br />
57 Naphtaly: Breaking free<br />
PCOS controlled Naphtaly's life and led<br />
her to depression, until she had an idea<br />
that changed everything<br />
87 Henry: Building dreams<br />
Henry was living in deep depression<br />
before he met a counsellor who<br />
reignited his passion for life
Our team<br />
EDITORIAL<br />
Rebecca Thair | Editor<br />
Kathryn Wheeler | Staff Writer<br />
Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant<br />
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls,<br />
Becky Wright | Writers<br />
Grace Victory | Columnist<br />
Lucy Donoughue | Head of Content<br />
Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor<br />
Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor<br />
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor<br />
ART & DESIGN<br />
Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director<br />
Charlotte Reynell | Graphic Designer<br />
Rosan Magar | Illustrator<br />
COMMUNICATIONS<br />
Alice Greedus<br />
PR Officer<br />
alice.greedus@happiful.com<br />
Food & Drink<br />
62 Plate-up pasta<br />
Delve into these delicious, body-boosting<br />
pasta dishes<br />
64 10 nutrition myths<br />
We break down food myths so that you<br />
can live your healthiest, happiest life<br />
<strong>Happiful</strong> Hacks<br />
24 Ask for what you need<br />
44 Explaining your time off<br />
60 The anti-stress tool kit<br />
80 Embrace your power<br />
Culture<br />
30 Ask the experts: burnout<br />
Our career coach gets get to the root<br />
of the problem<br />
42 Our top picks this month<br />
50 Sarah Greenidge<br />
Uncovering the truth about the<br />
wellness industry<br />
68 Taking a stand<br />
Louisa Reid's latest book explores what it<br />
means to back yourself<br />
70 Therapy with a point<br />
What to expect from acupuncture<br />
83 Konnie Huq<br />
The presenter and author on girls in<br />
STEM, and not conforming<br />
CONTRIBUTORS<br />
Gemma Calvert, Fiona Thomas,<br />
Katie Conibear, Salma Haidrani, Jenna Farmer,<br />
Sarah Young, Naphtaly Maria Zimmerman,<br />
Henry Grace, Sylvia Mac<br />
SPECIAL THANKS<br />
Paul Buller, Tom Buller, Krishan Parmar,<br />
Alice Theobald, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Bethyn<br />
Casey, Laurele Mitchell, Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, Sarah<br />
Lane, Peter Klein, Josephine Robinson, Letesia Gibson<br />
MANAGEMENT<br />
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder<br />
Emma White | Director & Co-Founder<br />
Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder<br />
SUBSCRIPTIONS<br />
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HAPPIFUL FAMILY<br />
Helping you find the help you need.<br />
Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory,<br />
Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource,<br />
Therapy Directory
Expert Panel<br />
One undeniable truth is that<br />
finding the right help for each<br />
individual is a journey – what<br />
works for one of us will be<br />
different for someone else. But<br />
don't feel disheartened if you<br />
haven't found your path yet.<br />
Our <strong>Happiful</strong> family can help<br />
you on your way. Bringing<br />
together various arms of<br />
support, each of our sister<br />
sites focuses on a different<br />
method of nourishing your<br />
wellbeing – from counselling,<br />
to hypnotherapy, nutrition,<br />
coaching, and therapy.<br />
Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver<br />
information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue<br />
DR KALANIT BEN-ARI<br />
BA MA PhD psych<br />
Kalanit is a relationships<br />
counsellor and public<br />
speaker.<br />
BETHYN CASEY<br />
BA<br />
Bethyn is a counsellor who<br />
offers creative therapy to<br />
her clients.<br />
LAURELE MITCHELL<br />
BA (hons) PgDip MNCS Snr Accred<br />
Laurele is a counsellor with<br />
experience working with<br />
couples and families.<br />
SARAH LANE<br />
BSc MSc MBACP<br />
Sarah is a counsellor and<br />
mindfulness teacher offering<br />
personal therapy.<br />
Rav's review<br />
We’re all inherently impacted<br />
by the relationships we’re a<br />
part of – they play a huge<br />
role in our lives, and each<br />
relationship we have is a part<br />
of us. In this month’s issue<br />
there’s a host of practical<br />
and insightful tips on how to<br />
better manage them, as it’s<br />
not always easy. The advice<br />
on page 24 is particularly<br />
helpful, highlighting<br />
the benefits of open<br />
communication. Given that<br />
this allows for connections<br />
and understanding, it is<br />
vital for a relationship to<br />
function healthily. Expressing<br />
yourself and being listened<br />
to is the starting point for all<br />
meaningful relationships.<br />
RACHEL COFFEY<br />
BA MA NLP Mstr<br />
Rachel is a life<br />
coach encouraging<br />
confidence.<br />
PETER KLEIN<br />
BSc PGDip CBT MA BABCP<br />
Peter is a cognitive<br />
behavioural<br />
psychotherapist.<br />
DR LAURA WYNESS<br />
PhD MSc BSc RNutr<br />
Laura is a registered<br />
nutritionist, working in<br />
research and comms.<br />
GRAEME ORR<br />
MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind<br />
Graeme is a counsellor<br />
working with both<br />
individuals and couples.<br />
JOSEPHINE ROBINSON<br />
DipCNM ANP<br />
Josephine is a nutritional<br />
therapist, and yoga and<br />
meditation teacher.<br />
LETESIA GIBSON<br />
Dip BSc Psych & Sociology<br />
Letesia is a creative<br />
career coach specialising<br />
in burnout.<br />
RAV SEKHON<br />
BA MA MBACP (Accred)<br />
Rav is a counsellor<br />
and psychotherapist<br />
with more than 10<br />
years' experience.<br />
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an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. <strong>Happiful</strong> is a brand of<br />
Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in <strong>Happiful</strong> are those of the authors of that content and do not<br />
necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is<br />
provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however<br />
if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about <strong>Happiful</strong>, please email us at feedback@happiful.com.<br />
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SUPPORT FOR THOSE IN THE LGBTQ+ COMMUNITY<br />
Discover advice on everything from coming out to legal rights, and find<br />
out about workshops and community events at stonewall.org.uk<br />
INFORMATION ON TRICHOTILLOMANIA<br />
Learn more about this hair-pulling condition and how it's treated<br />
by heading to ocduk.org and searching for 'trichotillomania'.<br />
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Read reliable advice and search for qualified nutritionists in<br />
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our true selves to shine.<br />
That's why any images<br />
taken by us are<br />
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diverse as possible.<br />
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The Uplift<br />
KIDS<br />
Photographer<br />
proves boys can<br />
have a royally<br />
good time, too!<br />
What makes a princess? For so long,<br />
we’ve been told that princesses are<br />
‘just for girls’. But that’s changing,<br />
and Chicago-based photographer<br />
Kitty Wolf is behind a new campaign<br />
showcasing the joy that comes with<br />
unreserved self-expression.<br />
During her time working as a<br />
princess performer, Kitty started<br />
to spot something that didn’t sit<br />
right with her. Time and time again,<br />
she would see little boys watching<br />
longingly from the sidelines at<br />
parties. And when she attended<br />
an event dressed as Elsa, only to<br />
find one particular little boy just as<br />
excited to see her as the girls, she<br />
decided to do something.<br />
Kitty created a celebration of the<br />
joy that can be found in dressing<br />
up as your favourite princesses<br />
regardless of gender, in a photo<br />
series that sees boys captured with<br />
their favourite princess performers.<br />
Speaking of the photo series, one<br />
boy’s mother said: “A child’s gender<br />
doesn’t dictate the toys they want to<br />
play with. Or the clothes they wear.<br />
Or their favourite colours. Or their<br />
emotional response to things. Let’s<br />
celebrate kids for their kid-ness, and<br />
let them be little!”<br />
Find out more about the campaign,<br />
and browse the full photo series, at<br />
boyscanbeprincessestoo.com<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Molly attends Huntington<br />
House’s ‘Knit and Natter’<br />
CHARITY<br />
‘Close-knit’ community brings<br />
pride and purpose to residents<br />
What’s better than a cuppa and<br />
a catch up? According to the<br />
residents of one care home, having<br />
a ‘Knit and Natter’.<br />
Offering a place to regularly meet,<br />
chat, and raise money for charity,<br />
the ‘Knit and Natter’ group at<br />
Huntington House care home, in<br />
Surrey, is helping to create a sense<br />
of pride and responsibility among<br />
its residents.<br />
Now an integral part of member’s<br />
lives, the group helps residents<br />
to rekindle fond memories and<br />
make new connections, and has<br />
quickly expanded to include staff,<br />
and members of the local Women’s<br />
Institute.<br />
But the social benefits are just<br />
one side – the group knits items<br />
to support charitable projects<br />
including brooches for the Poppy<br />
Appeal, and blankets and hats for<br />
hospitals in the UK and South Africa<br />
to keep premature babies warm.<br />
Director of Huntington and<br />
Langham Estate, Charlie Hoare,<br />
said: “When you become reliant on<br />
others to care for you, you can feel a<br />
loss of self-worth. But finding a way<br />
to help others can often make up<br />
for losing the independence to look<br />
after yourself.”<br />
What a perfect way to spread a little<br />
warmth and cheer, wool-dn’t you<br />
agree? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford<br />
WORK<br />
Loosen your tie<br />
– work is getting<br />
more casual<br />
Love casual Fridays? Well, new<br />
research suggests Monday to<br />
Thursday is getting less rigid<br />
too, as a poll carried out by<br />
Accountemps saw 91% of<br />
US managers agreeing that<br />
workplaces are less formal<br />
than they were 10 years ago.<br />
So what’s behind the shift?<br />
Managers speculate that more<br />
relaxed social norms, and<br />
organisations catering to a<br />
younger workforce, are behind<br />
the more laid back vibe.<br />
Where tattoos, piercings, and<br />
dyed hair were once a no-no in<br />
the office, a third of managers<br />
now agree that they’re<br />
sufficiently professional. Even<br />
the London Metropolitan<br />
Police has relaxed a ban on<br />
recruiting people with tattoos,<br />
saying they now consider body<br />
art on a “case-by-case basis”.<br />
But it’s not just the way<br />
we look that’s changing<br />
office culture, the way we<br />
communicate is, too – with<br />
30% of managers saying emoji<br />
use and casual lingo is now<br />
more prevalent in emails.<br />
Self-expression is at the<br />
core of who we are and,<br />
considering we spend an<br />
average of 3,507 days at work<br />
in our lifetime, being our true<br />
selves full-time can only be a<br />
good thing.<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 9
“<br />
Love only grows by<br />
sharing. You can<br />
only have more for<br />
yourself by giving<br />
it away to others<br />
– BRIAN TRACY
ANIMALS<br />
Parrots prove<br />
sharing is caring<br />
You might know them for their quick<br />
wit and shrill catch-phrases, but new<br />
research shows that parrots may<br />
have a softer side.<br />
In a trial published in Current<br />
Biology, African grey parrots – which<br />
were first trained to understand<br />
that small metal tokens could be<br />
swapped for a food treat at a specific<br />
‘exchange window’ – had their<br />
compassion put to the test.<br />
In the experiment, one bird was<br />
given a pile of tokens but no window<br />
to exchange them through. Next to<br />
the first bird, another had no tokens,<br />
but access to the window.<br />
After some consideration, the<br />
bird with the tokens began passing<br />
them through the enclosure to its<br />
neighbour, allowing it to access<br />
a treat – despite the fact the treat<br />
wasn’t shared.<br />
Speaking of the experiment, Peggy<br />
Mason, from the University of<br />
Chicago, admitted she was stunned.<br />
“I think they had the sense that this<br />
was a useful token, and that it would<br />
turn into food for the other bird,”<br />
Peggy explains. “It’s surprisingly<br />
giving, just because the only thing<br />
the bird doing it gets is that warm<br />
glow of helping.”<br />
That’s a glow we’ll all be familiar<br />
with as it turns out generosity is<br />
interspecific, and that Polly is more<br />
than happy to share the cracker!<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 11
Take 5<br />
Wordsmiths get ready… It’s not a race, but a chance to put your<br />
mind through its paces. Relax, enjoy, and put your brains to the<br />
test with this month’s puzzles<br />
Wheels in motion<br />
Using the letters in the word wheel no more than<br />
once, make as many words as possible of three or<br />
more letters, always including the letter in the centre<br />
of the wheel. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a<br />
time limit – three minutes, GO!<br />
5 = word wizard<br />
10 = gaming guru<br />
15+ = Shakespearean superstar<br />
D<br />
N<br />
T<br />
R<br />
I<br />
T<br />
A<br />
U<br />
E<br />
Wordsearch<br />
Flex those mental muscles, and find the 12<br />
words in the grid below<br />
R N C D N C B T G R<br />
U R O W D Y O G A S<br />
N C R N P M X G O Y<br />
A W P I L A T E S H<br />
D A N C E N O L Y C<br />
Y L N U L B S C C T<br />
M K T A P I I Y M E<br />
J Y J U M P M C C R<br />
U C Y C N L E B I T<br />
T S W I M A E C G S<br />
DANCE<br />
CLIMB<br />
WALK<br />
SWIM<br />
RUN<br />
YOGA<br />
PILATES<br />
BOX<br />
STRETCH<br />
CYCLE<br />
ROW<br />
JUMP<br />
How did<br />
you do? Search<br />
‘freebies' at<br />
shop.happiful.com<br />
to find the answers,<br />
and more!
Going up<br />
‘Dinosaurs in<br />
love’. Google the<br />
song, but have<br />
tissues at the<br />
ready<br />
Chin chin!<br />
Drinking three<br />
cups of a tea a<br />
week linked to<br />
longer life<br />
Beer yoga<br />
– yes, it really is<br />
a thing!<br />
Liar liar...<br />
Study finds<br />
people care<br />
more about<br />
appearing<br />
honest, than<br />
telling the truth<br />
330% more<br />
children admitted<br />
to A&E for their<br />
MH in the past<br />
decade<br />
Going down<br />
The<br />
wellbeing<br />
wrap<br />
Starry-eyed<br />
In a landmark<br />
achievement, scientists<br />
have taken the world’s<br />
most detailed pictures<br />
of the Sun’s surface. The<br />
patterns of boiling plasma,<br />
looking like ‘cells’, are<br />
each the size of Texas! The<br />
secrets of the universe are<br />
starting to unfold...<br />
ARE OFFICE ROMANCES<br />
A THING OF THE PAST?<br />
Times are changing, and while 30 years ago, one in<br />
five couples met in their workplace, a new study says<br />
its now it’s only one in 10. The research, from Stanford<br />
University, revealed that instead of stolen glances<br />
over the printer, online dating and apps are now the<br />
most popular way to meet your other half. We might<br />
have fewer stories like Tim and Dawn, but it’s a new<br />
love story for the digitial age.<br />
WITH MORE THAN<br />
86,000SQ FT OF OPEN<br />
SPACE, BROMLEY HAS<br />
BEEN NAMED THE BEST<br />
LONDON BOROUGH<br />
FOR WELLBEING.<br />
IT CAME OUT TOP<br />
AFTER BEING RANKED<br />
ON HEALTHCARE,<br />
PARKLAND, AND SPORTS<br />
FACILITIES – OTHER<br />
AREAS TAKE NOTE!<br />
Good news – there’s no<br />
need to feel guilty for hitting<br />
that snooze button. Experts<br />
have revealed that getting<br />
a good night’s sleep could<br />
be as good for you as going<br />
to the gym. It’s because<br />
when we’re tired, we tend to<br />
choose more calorific foods<br />
and have higher cortisol<br />
levels – time for a self-care<br />
duvet day?<br />
Zzz<br />
READ ALL ABOUT IT<br />
Love lives aside, there’s been a surprising shift<br />
away from tech elsewere. In a recent US poll,<br />
it was revealed that Americans visited more<br />
libraries in the past year than cinemas, or any<br />
other cultural activity. On average, adults went<br />
10.5 times. In another nostalgic throwback,<br />
maybe Arthur the aardvark was right – having<br />
fun isn’t hard, when you’ve got a library card!<br />
FANCY A ROAST?<br />
A study from Appalchian<br />
State University, USA,<br />
has found that a bit<br />
of banter between a<br />
couple could be the<br />
secret to a long-lasting,<br />
happy relationship. A<br />
bit of friendly teasing<br />
lets your partner feel<br />
‘seen’ by recognising<br />
their special little quirks.<br />
Lovely!<br />
#REPRESENT<br />
“Imagination,<br />
life is your creation.”<br />
Barbie is certainly<br />
imagining a brighter future,<br />
with the launch of a new range<br />
of diverse dolls for its collection.<br />
Including one with no hair,<br />
and another with vitiligo,<br />
it’s a fantastic move for<br />
representation and<br />
empowerment.<br />
Work it!<br />
With so<br />
much of our<br />
lives spent at<br />
work, more and more companies<br />
are realising the importance<br />
of nurturing their employees’<br />
wellbeing. But what actionable<br />
steps can people take in <strong>2020</strong>?<br />
According to research from the<br />
PwC Health Research Institute,<br />
the top focuses should make it<br />
clear wellbeing is a priority, and<br />
encourage individuality, so people<br />
can find wellbeing practices that<br />
work for them.<br />
Pace yourself<br />
Are you a known dawdler, or<br />
basically the real-life Flash?<br />
It could be time to pick up<br />
the pace... A new study has<br />
revealed that our walking speed<br />
can actually indicate our life<br />
expectancy, with those who walk<br />
faster expected to live 15 years<br />
longer.<br />
The research from the<br />
University of Leicester, discovered<br />
that people who walked up<br />
to 100 steps per minute had a<br />
higher life expectancy that those<br />
taking 50 steps per minute.<br />
While it doesn’t directly prove<br />
that walking fast will give us<br />
more years, it certainly shows a<br />
correlation. Perhaps it’s time<br />
to lace up those trainers<br />
for a speed walk around<br />
the block!
What is<br />
echoism?<br />
Afraid to step into the spotlight, or put your own voice and opinions out there?<br />
If you’re more comfortable blending into the background, and mirroring those<br />
around you, you may be displaying echoist behaviours...<br />
Writing | Fiona Thomas<br />
Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
You’ve probably heard<br />
of narcissism before<br />
– and may even know<br />
a narcissist yourself.<br />
Well those who might<br />
display a lack of empathy, an<br />
inflated sense of self-importance,<br />
and a need for attention, actually<br />
have an opposite, which you may<br />
not be as familiar with – echoists.<br />
Are your friends and family<br />
always encouraging you to open<br />
up about your feelings? Do you<br />
feel sick whenever you get a bit<br />
of limelight? Do you actively<br />
downplay your successes to avoid<br />
any unwanted attention? Do you<br />
struggle to describe what your own<br />
personal interests and hobbies<br />
are, finding it easier to latch on to<br />
things that your partner enjoys?<br />
These are just a few red flags<br />
which could mean that you are<br />
experiencing echoism.<br />
14 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
THE STUFF OF LEGEND...<br />
The name for the mental health<br />
disorder narcissism was actually<br />
inspired by a Greek mythological<br />
character. Narcissus was so selfobsessed<br />
that he was cursed to fall<br />
in love with his own reflection,<br />
and part of his story involved his<br />
partner Echo – a forest nymph who<br />
was punished by the goddess Juno<br />
for talking too much. Echo’s ability<br />
to express herself was taken away,<br />
and in the absence of a voice of her<br />
own, she was only able to speak<br />
by repeating the last few words<br />
she heard from others. This is<br />
where the term echoism originates<br />
from and, as with the myth, the<br />
behaviours are often intertwined.<br />
Cognitive behavioural<br />
psychotherapist and Counselling<br />
Directory member Peter Klein says:<br />
“Sufferers with such tendencies<br />
will often have had a narcissist<br />
as a parent. Narcissists tend to<br />
have opposite tendencies and use<br />
sufferers to fulfil their own needs<br />
and desires, which can make the<br />
tendencies of echoism even worse.”<br />
RECOGNISING THE REFLECTION<br />
Coined by Harvard Medical School<br />
lecturer Dr Craig Malkin, the term<br />
echoist describes someone who, like<br />
the Greek nymph Echo, struggles<br />
to have an autonomous voice. They<br />
tend to emphasise other people’s<br />
needs over their own, and have<br />
difficulty accepting compliments.<br />
In more serious cases, sufferers<br />
can’t define their own identity<br />
because they automatically take on<br />
the interests and desires of those<br />
around them, leaving no room for<br />
their own preferences. Echoism is a<br />
personality trait, which is thought to<br />
intensify as a coping mechanism in<br />
response to living with a narcissist.<br />
Echoists aren’t easy to spot and<br />
they don’t present themselves as<br />
you might expect. They are often<br />
highly intelligent individuals who<br />
are kind, supportive, and successful<br />
to boot. But if you go against their<br />
wishes, when they adamantly state<br />
they don’t want a fuss (such as with<br />
a surprise party), be prepared for<br />
them to potentially kick off...<br />
Echoists tend<br />
to feel things more<br />
intensely, and feel<br />
more empathetic<br />
than the average<br />
person<br />
ECHOISM IN RELATIONSHIPS<br />
Echoists tend to feel things more<br />
intensely, and feel more empathetic<br />
than the average person. When<br />
exposed to a narcissistic parent,<br />
they often learn not to express<br />
freely, because displaying emotions<br />
evokes a negative response from<br />
their caregiver. The child is<br />
solely focused on managing the<br />
overwhelming emotional needs of<br />
the parent, leaving little room for<br />
their own. The echoist will grow up<br />
believing life is easier when they<br />
take up as little space as possible in<br />
a relationship, and will rarely share<br />
their problems because they fear<br />
burdening others. Ironically, they<br />
often worry that they will appear<br />
selfish and narcissistic.<br />
Unfortunately, cutting off ties<br />
with the parent in question<br />
doesn’t solve the problem. In fact,<br />
it can often lead to a noticeable<br />
dip in self-esteem, and even<br />
bouts of depression. “Self-doubt,<br />
worries, and self-criticism are<br />
accompanying features,” says Peter.<br />
“These make it even harder for<br />
the sufferer to express their own<br />
needs and desires.” In some cases,<br />
it then perpetuates the cycle and<br />
makes the echoist the ideal prey for<br />
another narcissist.<br />
Echoism can play out in romantic<br />
relationships, too. Women are<br />
thought to be more vulnerable than<br />
men, and children of narcissistic<br />
parents often find themselves<br />
drawn to one-sided relationships in<br />
adulthood.<br />
Those affected will gladly give<br />
their partner attention, and shower<br />
them with compliments, but<br />
actively shun anything when it’s<br />
reciprocated.<br />
Platonic friendships can also act<br />
as the breeding ground for this<br />
counter-dependent behaviour.<br />
Echoists give endlessly to<br />
emotionally-needy friends, leaving<br />
little room to talk about their<br />
own problems. On the surface,<br />
this suits the echoist just fine. But<br />
in reality, it can cause complex<br />
emotional, identity, and attachment<br />
issues, which often centre around<br />
excessive feelings of guilt.<br />
REDISCOVERING YOUR VOICE<br />
Treatment for echoism tends to<br />
focus on teaching the person to<br />
recognise their own behaviours,<br />
and express the emotions that have<br />
gone repressed for so long. Peter<br />
says: “Understanding one’s own<br />
needs in relevant situations, and<br />
the practice of expressing these in a<br />
graded manner, can be helpful. Due<br />
to the complexity and individual<br />
expressions of echoism, this is best<br />
performed in conjunction with a<br />
suitably trained professional.”<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 15
Head<br />
over heels<br />
Breaking boundaries in the ballroom,<br />
Johannes Radebe is the Strictly Come Dancing<br />
professional who’s captured the nation’s heart – and<br />
he’s certainly got our attention, too.<br />
By performing in the show’s first ever same-sex<br />
routine in 2019, and dancing up a storm in heels,<br />
Johannes is shattering gender stereotypes and putting<br />
representation on the map in mainstream media.<br />
Yet the journey to utterly embracing himself wasn’t<br />
always easy. But through bullying, homelessness, and<br />
grief, he’s remained true to himself, and it’s<br />
beyond refreshing...<br />
Interview | Gemma Calvert<br />
Photography | Paul Buller<br />
Of all the hello hugs shared with celebrities, rarely have<br />
I been as impressed as when Strictly Come Dancing pro<br />
Johannes Radebe arrives at <strong>Happiful</strong>’s south London<br />
studio, wrapped up against the January frost in a<br />
woollen pea coat and oversized scarf. A big grin is<br />
pursued by an even bigger, heartfelt embrace, and in 10 seconds<br />
flat, I’m sold.<br />
After 22 years of dance training, the South African-born star<br />
possesses a body built of muscle, but his character is gentle and<br />
beautifully exposed. After sinking into a leather sofa at the rear of<br />
the studio, away from the hubbub of photoshoot preparations, the<br />
dancer and choreographer is instantly at ease. He underscores what<br />
he says with smiles aplenty – like when he expresses adoration for<br />
his “best friend”, fellow Strictly pro Graziano Di Prima, who he was<br />
with the night before, performing on the fourth night of the Strictly<br />
Come Dancing live tour. >>>
“I spend every single day with him,<br />
mostly because his girlfriend isn’t<br />
with us. He hangs on to me for dear<br />
life but, the truth is, we need each<br />
other!” says Johannes, who joined<br />
Strictly in 2018, but enjoyed his first<br />
celebrity pairing in 2019 when he<br />
and former Coronation Street actress<br />
Catherine Tyldesley coupled up.<br />
They lit up the dance floor until<br />
week six.<br />
Touring with the Strictly pros,<br />
enthuses Johannes, is “like being on<br />
holiday with your best mates” and<br />
even though many have secured<br />
lucrative gigs outside the hit BBC1<br />
show – such as Oti Mabuse on The<br />
Greatest Dancer, and AJ Pritchard<br />
who joined RuPaul’s Drag Race UK<br />
as a dance coach – he insists there is<br />
never jealousy between the cast.<br />
“The pie’s big enough for<br />
everybody. We don’t live in the<br />
competitive world anymore. Not to<br />
say that the competition isn’t rife<br />
when we come to Strictly, because<br />
we all want to win, but we’re all<br />
different. We all have our qualities.<br />
It’s so nice amongst the pros.<br />
They’re all kind. It’s been so great.”<br />
Now 32, Johannes finds himself at<br />
a fascinating moment in his career,<br />
and has every reason to be cheerful.<br />
For one, he is finally at home in<br />
his own skin. Three months before<br />
we meet, a fortnight before he<br />
and Graziano danced in the show’s<br />
first same-sex routine, Johannes<br />
slayed a pro dance sequence,<br />
performing to ‘Fame’ in a pair of<br />
high-heeled PVC boots. It set the<br />
Twittersphere ablaze, with Strictly<br />
fans commending him for breaking<br />
the mould of gender stereotypes.<br />
It also, he says, attracted a flurry of<br />
praise from “older gay men” who<br />
“identified with the boldness and<br />
the confidence”.<br />
“That was my coming out party<br />
to the world,” grins Johannes,<br />
revealing that when show bosses<br />
proposed the idea he agreed, not to<br />
publicly shout about being openly<br />
gay, but to educate his extended<br />
family back home. While Johannes<br />
has “always known” he is gay and<br />
never hidden his sexuality, he says<br />
some relatives were still asking at<br />
family functions when he would<br />
“come home with a wife and kids”.<br />
Johannes, who concedes that in<br />
Africa there is a generational gap of<br />
LGBTQ+ education and acceptance,<br />
sighs. “It’s a reality, but we live<br />
in such progressive times, and I<br />
realised there’s no need to hide any<br />
more,” he says. “The world has been<br />
ready, all I had to do was embrace<br />
who I am fully, fully, fully, because<br />
that was always my fear – that sense<br />
of rejection, that feeling of ‘if I do<br />
this, what if somebody mocks me?<br />
I don’t want to bring shame to my<br />
family.’ It took me 32 years to finally<br />
accept that and say, ‘Honestly, this is<br />
my life.’”<br />
Johannes believes historically<br />
there’s been insufficient media<br />
representation of LGBTQ+<br />
minorities, but has observed<br />
an improvement over the past<br />
two years. He was “inspired” by<br />
groundbreaking US series Pose,<br />
which delves into the New York City<br />
ballroom scene at the height of the<br />
AIDS crisis, and accepts credit for<br />
his own role in the acceptance of<br />
greater diversity within society.<br />
“I’m the change. Honestly, I see it<br />
like that. I’m the first gay black man<br />
on Strictly. I just think, good for you<br />
Johannes. I’m proud!”<br />
In the last series of the Danish<br />
version of Strictly, a male duo<br />
emerged victorious, and Steps<br />
singer Ian ‘H’ Watkins and pro<br />
The world has been<br />
ready, all I had to<br />
do was embrace<br />
who I am fully,<br />
because that was<br />
always my fear<br />
skater Matt Evers were paired on<br />
this year’s Dancing On Ice. Surely it’s<br />
time for Strictly to regularly feature<br />
same sex couples, and to hell with<br />
the armchair critics (Johannes<br />
and Graziano’s dance attracted 189<br />
complaints to Ofcom)?<br />
“Out of how many million<br />
viewers?” says Johannes, instantly<br />
putting the protest into perspective.<br />
“It’s good that the BBC have started.<br />
Whenever they are ready to make<br />
that step, they should know there’s<br />
representation.”<br />
For Johannes, who never thought<br />
he would “have a voice”, being<br />
a respected public figure is a<br />
responsibility he cherishes. He’s<br />
actively planning to align with<br />
a LGBTQ+ youth charity, and is<br />
intent on making a difference to<br />
vulnerable youngsters’ lives.<br />
“I hope with my actions I’m<br />
breaking barriers, and bringing<br />
comfort and assurance that it’s OK,”<br />
he says. “Life gets better.”<br />
Which is true. Johannes and his<br />
elder sister Pearl grew up in the<br />
small South African township of<br />
Zamdela, raised by their mother<br />
Jacobeth, and dad Benjamin.<br />
Curiously, as he describes the<br />
“very real struggle” of a “lack<br />
of opportunity and finances”,<br />
Johannes smiles. >>><br />
18 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
Suit | Ben Sherman, T-shirt | Reserved, Trainers | Lacoste<br />
>>><br />
February <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 19
Top & trousers | Topman<br />
Dance was<br />
my escape. It<br />
became my<br />
world, my refuge<br />
“Going back home humbles me,<br />
because you can see how they<br />
[survive] with as little as they have,”<br />
he says. “As a child, I didn’t know<br />
what we lacked, because I had my<br />
dad and I had mum, and with all<br />
that lack there was love – lots and<br />
lots of love and encouragement.”<br />
Johannes began dancing at the<br />
age of seven, and at “10 or 11” got<br />
his first pair of dancing shoes, a gift<br />
from his dad.<br />
“That was his way of saying ‘I<br />
approve’. I was dancing my third<br />
competition, and while he wanted<br />
me to be a soccer star – he thought<br />
dance was going to be a phase – he<br />
gave me the freedom to explore.<br />
Our neighbourhood wasn’t the<br />
safest, so he loved that after school,<br />
I had somewhere to go and I was off<br />
the streets. Dance was my escape. It<br />
became my world, my refuge.”<br />
Johannes’ hobby and his<br />
“flamboyant demeanour” made<br />
him a target for bullies, but at<br />
dance school and in the family<br />
home, he was free. He adoringly<br />
describes his mother as his “best<br />
friend”, “queen” and “biggest<br />
counsellor” – a woman who didn’t<br />
bat an eyelid when she discovered<br />
her teenage son squeezing his size<br />
11 feet into Pearl’s high heels.<br />
“I used to hang out with my<br />
mother all the time, experimenting<br />
with all these things in front of her,<br />
and she just did not care, honestly,<br />
and in that regard, thank God for<br />
my mum,” says Johannes.<br />
At school, the abuse Johannes<br />
endured was predominantly<br />
verbal, but on one occasion turned<br />
physical when he got into a fight<br />
with a bully, and the perpetrator<br />
returned with a baseball bat.<br />
“I thought ‘This is it.’ That’s the<br />
worst it got,” shudders Johannes,<br />
still grateful for the onlookers who<br />
stepped in before damage was done.<br />
The words fired at him as a young<br />
boy, and the anticipation of physical<br />
violence, must have been incredibly<br />
wounding? He nods.<br />
“It left me confused, feeling like<br />
there was something wrong with<br />
me. It was isolating. For the longest<br />
time I thought ‘I’m not worthy,’<br />
and ‘Why are you putting yourself<br />
through this?’ I could have easily<br />
left dance because it brought all<br />
that attention to me but, at the same<br />
time, it made me so happy.”<br />
Adolence is rife with challenges,<br />
particularly for LGBTQ+ teens – with<br />
one study from the Children’s Society<br />
revealing that half of gay or bisexual<br />
14-year-olds had self-harmed.<br />
20 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
Jacket & trousers | Scotch & Soda<br />
It’s a devastating statistic, that<br />
speaks volumes to under-supported<br />
demographic, and one that Johannes<br />
has seen play out in front of him.<br />
“I lost a friend of mine. He was 10<br />
or 11 and in school with me. Talk<br />
about flamboyant and OTT, he was<br />
mighty gay and he had it harder than<br />
me. He deflected the attention from<br />
me so many times, and protected<br />
me. As young as I was, when that<br />
happened, I understood where he<br />
was coming from. He had it hard.”<br />
His friend’s suicide wasn’t the<br />
only loss Johannes experienced as<br />
a youngster. When he was 14 his<br />
father, who had then separated<br />
from his mother, died aged 46<br />
from tuberculosis – a neglected<br />
disease which still kills more than<br />
100,000 South Africans every year.<br />
The heartbreaking period of grief<br />
propelled Johannes to make a<br />
life-changing decision, and accept<br />
an offer to enrol at a dance school<br />
for disadvantaged youngsters in<br />
Johannesburg, 111 miles from home.<br />
For four years, under the family’s<br />
guidance and inspired by his dance<br />
idols Bryan Watson, Jason Gilkison,<br />
and Motsi Mabuse – who he now<br />
works with on Strictly – Johannes<br />
honed his versatility as a performer.<br />
He trained in ballroom, Latin,<br />
contemporary, jazz, and ballet, and<br />
established a steadfast work ethic,<br />
dancing in shopping malls and<br />
parking lots to fund entry and travel<br />
to national dance competitions. To<br />
this day, he remains the undefeated<br />
South African Latin champion.<br />
Despite trying to continue his<br />
studies, financial woes eventually<br />
saw Johannes quit in favour of<br />
employment in Johannesburg,<br />
appearing in a stage show and<br />
teaching dance to the elderly. But<br />
for two years, before getting his<br />
“break” on a cruise ship, Johannes >>>
lived rough, sleeping in the<br />
doorway of a city-centre taxi rank,<br />
and showering in shopping mall<br />
toilet facilities, all so he could save<br />
money to send home to his family.<br />
It was during this ordeal that he<br />
had the biblical verse ‘no weapon<br />
formed against me shall prosper’<br />
tattooed on to his ribs.<br />
“That was my mantra for the<br />
longest time. I come from a family<br />
of very strong personalities. My<br />
mother and my aunts are my pillars<br />
of strength. But looking back, I<br />
was so miserable, and I can’t tell<br />
you where the courage to do that<br />
came from,” says Johannes, quickly<br />
correcting himself. “I actually tell<br />
you lies. It was all because I needed<br />
to provide for my family. That was<br />
so important.”<br />
It still is. Johannes sends home<br />
a portion of his Strictly earnings,<br />
but now the gesture comes without<br />
sacrifice. He rents an apartment<br />
in north London, and is househunting<br />
in South Africa for his own<br />
place, plus one for his mum.<br />
I ask what his father would make<br />
of his achievements. The question<br />
prompts Johannes’ chin to fall to<br />
his chest.<br />
“Dad’s death was a sad one,<br />
because it was quick. We were<br />
very close…” he says, his voice<br />
momentarily disappearing. “I think<br />
dad would have been very proud.<br />
Mostly, I think he would have been<br />
shocked that I had the courage<br />
to do what I’ve done. The fact he<br />
didn’t get to see all this unfold<br />
leaves me feeling sad at times, but<br />
I’m happy I did it and I’m sure,<br />
wherever he is, he is happy, too.”<br />
As our time together draws to a<br />
close, I wonder whether Johannes<br />
unwittingly carried the shame he<br />
endured as a boy into adulthood<br />
I think dad would have been very proud.<br />
The fact he didn’t get to see all this<br />
unfold leaves me feeling sad at times,<br />
but I’m happy I did it and I’m sure,<br />
wherever he is, he is happy, too<br />
and, if so, what effect his two gamechanging<br />
Strictly performances<br />
and the subsequent “incredible”<br />
response of his wider family have<br />
had on his mindset.<br />
“Yes I did,” he confirms. “When<br />
I’ve got people coming up to me,<br />
saying ‘Johannes, you’re such a<br />
wonderful person,’ I think ‘Maybe<br />
there’s actually nothing wrong<br />
with me, after all this time.’ It’s<br />
a beautiful feeling. Being in this<br />
country has been very liberating.<br />
It’s nice to settle in a place where I<br />
feel I’m seen, where there’s much<br />
more freedom, and people are<br />
more liberated and progressive.”<br />
As Johannes has always sought<br />
counsel from family and friends<br />
who have kept him “in check”,<br />
what is his advice to loved ones of<br />
LGBTQ+ youngsters?<br />
“Love and show support,” he<br />
says firmly. “Make sure they<br />
know there’s nothing wrong with<br />
them. I’ve been blessed to come<br />
across people who, when I was<br />
being bullied in the middle of the<br />
street, would bring it to order and<br />
say ‘That’s not right.’ We need to<br />
live in a world where we’re not<br />
afraid to stand up to what’s wrong,<br />
because what I do in my bedroom<br />
has nothing to do with you. I don’t<br />
dictate how you should live your<br />
life, so why are you telling me how<br />
to live mine?”<br />
While Johannes’ last relationship<br />
was three years ago and shortlived<br />
– the nomadic life of a dancer<br />
doesn’t always lend itself well to<br />
long-term commitment – if the<br />
right opportunity presented itself,<br />
he would leap at the opportunity to<br />
settle down.<br />
“I wish I had a boyfriend. I’m<br />
not saying it’s the one thing that’s<br />
missing, but it would be nice to<br />
come home to somebody. I’m not<br />
young anymore! I would like to be<br />
with somebody who’s going to take<br />
this all the way,” he says, referring<br />
to marriage and children.<br />
As for the next step in his career?<br />
That’s simple. “I want to continue<br />
the Strictly journey for as long as<br />
I can,” he says. “It’s a once in a<br />
lifetime opportunity, – as long as<br />
they’ll have me, I’ll come back.”<br />
After the shoot wraps, I bump<br />
into Johannes on the street outside<br />
before he heads off to resume his<br />
Strictly tour duties. “You can’t keep<br />
away from me!” he laughs, and<br />
there’s no point denying it. When<br />
kindness, graciousness, emotional<br />
generosity, inner strength, and a<br />
desire to help others combine, the<br />
allure is truly captivating.<br />
Johannes will be appearing in the<br />
Strictly Professionals Tour from May<br />
<strong>2020</strong>. Find him @johannesradebe on<br />
Instagram.<br />
22 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
Styling | Krishan Parmar<br />
Grooming | Alice Theobald at Joy<br />
Goodman using Morgan’s Pomade<br />
and Babyliss Pro<br />
February <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 23
How to ask for<br />
what you need<br />
in a relationship<br />
Communication is often considered a secret ingredient for happy<br />
relationships, but it doesn’t need to be complicated – or secret<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
I<br />
think I need time alone,” my<br />
boyfriend said, looking a<br />
little exasperated on a recent<br />
Sunday evening. We hadn’t<br />
been arguing (in fact we’d had a<br />
really nice day together), although<br />
I had noticed a shift in his mood as<br />
the day went on.<br />
After a slightly confused and<br />
defensive facial expression from<br />
me, he explained what he meant.<br />
As an introvert, an empath, and<br />
someone who struggles with<br />
depression and anxiety, quiet time<br />
alone is something my partner<br />
needs at the weekend to feel<br />
recharged and ready for the week<br />
ahead.<br />
It had taken a year of us living<br />
together for him to: a) realise that as<br />
much as he loves me, he still needs<br />
time away from me; and b) that it<br />
was OK for him to ask for this.<br />
Once he explained why he needed<br />
alone time, I felt a little swell of<br />
pride. Depression has a habit of<br />
swallowing your self-worth, so<br />
allowing himself to be vulnerable,<br />
and asking for something he<br />
needed, felt like a milestone.<br />
Since then, we’ve both been more<br />
open about what we need, whether<br />
“<br />
it’s a couple of hours alone in our<br />
local cafe, or for us to share the<br />
house admin a little more. It’s<br />
taken a little navigating, but has<br />
helped us both thrive within our<br />
relationship.<br />
Often, when we’re in long-term<br />
relationships, we can feel that our<br />
partners should know what we<br />
need intuitively. We expect them<br />
to read our minds, and we sit with<br />
frustrations bubbling under the<br />
surface when they don’t. Then,<br />
one day, we hit boiling point,<br />
culminating in an argument<br />
involving demands, heightened<br />
emotions, and blame.<br />
If we can get to a place where<br />
we can ask for what we need in<br />
relationships before this point, it’ll<br />
save a lot of heartache. OK, ready<br />
to ask for what you need? Follow<br />
these steps:<br />
1 PLAN WHAT YOU<br />
WANT TO SAY<br />
Understanding what it is you really<br />
need can take some self-reflection.<br />
Take your time over this. Give it<br />
some space, think through what<br />
you want to say, and plan how<br />
you’ll say it.<br />
Remember that we’re all worthy<br />
of feeling happy and fulfilled in<br />
our relationships. Asking for what<br />
you need isn’t being demanding,<br />
it’s showing a commitment to<br />
communication that will have only<br />
positive ramifications for your<br />
relationship.<br />
2 CHOOSE YOUR<br />
TIMING WISELY<br />
What we need often comes to the<br />
front of our minds when we’re<br />
not getting it, and sometimes<br />
this happens during a heated<br />
discussion or argument. Try your<br />
best not to bring it up then. Wait<br />
until you’re both calm, and pick<br />
a time when you can give the<br />
discussion the space it needs.<br />
3 AVOID PLAYING THE VICTIM<br />
It can sometimes feel like we<br />
shouldn’t have to voice our needs<br />
(especially if they seem pretty<br />
obvious to us), which can lead to<br />
frustration and passive aggression.<br />
If this happens, it can be easy<br />
to play the victim when the<br />
discussion takes place.<br />
However, when you use<br />
victimised language, you end up<br />
24 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
When expressing what you<br />
need, do so from a place of<br />
honesty and authenticity, not<br />
from a place of entitlement<br />
punishing your partner for not<br />
knowing something you’ve never<br />
told them. They’ll likely get upset<br />
by this, and put up walls of defence<br />
in reaction. This puts a stop to any<br />
conversation and can cause further<br />
arguments.<br />
When expressing what you need,<br />
do so from a place of honesty and<br />
authenticity, not from a place of<br />
entitlement.<br />
4 USE ‘I’ STATEMENTS<br />
With the above in mind, try to<br />
stick to ‘I’ statements. Rather than<br />
placing the blame or responsibility<br />
on your partner by telling them<br />
what they’re not doing, such as:<br />
“You’re always on your phone”,<br />
keep the conversation centred<br />
on what you need and how your<br />
partner can help – “I need to feel<br />
more connected to you when we<br />
talk, and feel you putting your<br />
phone down during discussions<br />
would help.”<br />
5 AND IF YOU’RE ON THE<br />
RECEIVING END…<br />
Don’t panic! The fact that your<br />
partner is talking to you about<br />
what they need means they care<br />
about the relationship, and want<br />
it to flourish. Feeling defensive is<br />
natural, but try to remember this<br />
is not about anything you’re doing<br />
wrong. It’s about what your partner<br />
needs to feel fulfilled.<br />
Understanding<br />
what it is you<br />
really need can<br />
take some selfreflection<br />
Encourage them to explain more<br />
about how you can help them,<br />
and if it’s something you feel<br />
unable to give, try to work out a<br />
compromise. Now is also a great<br />
time for you to consider what you<br />
need in the relationship. If your<br />
partner has opened the doors of<br />
communication, keep them open.<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 25
Photography | Sept Commercial<br />
“<br />
We rise by lifting others<br />
– ROBERT INGERSOLL
Moving<br />
on up<br />
Most of us know exercise<br />
is good for both our<br />
mental and physical<br />
health, but it’s not just<br />
through running and<br />
hitting the gym that you<br />
can reap the benefits.<br />
Here we’ve pulled<br />
together five adventurous<br />
ideas packed with mental<br />
health benefits. Ready,<br />
set... go!<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls<br />
1 Skydiving<br />
Jumping out of a plane may not,<br />
at first, seem like an enjoyable<br />
activity – but it turns out it could<br />
be just what your mind needs.<br />
Skydiving releases a huge number<br />
of endorphins which can help ease<br />
mild depression, and psychologists<br />
say falling through the sky can<br />
help us to put our emotions into<br />
perspective.<br />
Plus, you don’t have to jump<br />
alone. Tandem skydiving lets you<br />
enjoy the ride while safe in the<br />
hands of an expert. To book your<br />
first jump, visit goskydive.com<br />
2 Team sports<br />
All sports are great for your<br />
health, but team sports in<br />
particular have been found to<br />
have beneficial effects. Working<br />
with others towards a shared<br />
goal is a lovely way to bond with<br />
others, and our social connections<br />
play a big role in emotional<br />
wellbeing.<br />
Head to beinspireduk.org for<br />
ideas and ways to get involved,<br />
or simply do an online search<br />
for team sports in your area.<br />
Many team sports can be adapted<br />
for differing abilities too, visit<br />
parasport.org.uk for more<br />
information.<br />
3 Nordic walking<br />
If you’re already an avid walker<br />
and want to step up your game,<br />
try Nordic walking. Using two<br />
poles to harness the power of<br />
your upper body, the Nordic<br />
walking technique helps you<br />
propel yourself forward, and turns<br />
walking into a full-body exercise.<br />
The poles also take some weight off<br />
the knees and lower body joints,<br />
making it suitable for all ages and<br />
fitness levels.<br />
Visit nordicwalking.co.uk to learn<br />
more and to find a local instructor.<br />
4 Surfing<br />
From Cornwall to Scotland, the<br />
coastlines of the UK have some<br />
great surfing spots. Being at one<br />
with nature, and the adrenaline<br />
rush you get after catching<br />
the perfect wave, makes it an<br />
unsurprisingly great activity for<br />
your mental health. Apparently, just<br />
30 minutes spent catching waves<br />
can reduce negative thoughts, and<br />
decrease self-destructive behaviour.<br />
Wave Project is a mental health<br />
surfing charity that can help you<br />
use surfing as a coping strategy.<br />
Head to waveproject.co.uk to find<br />
out more.<br />
5 Horse riding<br />
Horses are used as therapy aids<br />
because they’re incredibly intuitive<br />
and have the ability to mirror your<br />
feelings. This can make horse<br />
riding especially beneficial for<br />
those living with mental illness.<br />
Horse riding is also accessible for<br />
all abilities – the Riding for the<br />
Disabled Association has nearly<br />
500 centres across the UK, learn<br />
more at rda.org.uk.<br />
If you want to reap the mental<br />
health and therapeutic benefits<br />
specifically, search for equine<br />
therapy services in your area.
Mental health and<br />
diet culture…<br />
with Grace<br />
Our columnist Grace Victory has experienced first-hand the alarming link<br />
between mental health problems and our insidious diet culture. But, she<br />
reveals, you won’t find real happiness and fulfilment in a smaller pair of jeans…<br />
One of the many<br />
reasons for my past<br />
poor mental health<br />
has been the link<br />
between diet culture,<br />
fatphobia, and the incessant belief<br />
that I am not good enough. Do<br />
you remember the first time you<br />
saw something that made you feel<br />
terrible about yourself? I don’t.<br />
I just remember grabbing my<br />
tummy at age eight, and wanting to<br />
chop the chub off.<br />
Diet culture is so subtle,<br />
so sneaky, that we digest it<br />
subconsciously throughout our<br />
lives, especially as children. It can<br />
be the ‘Are you bikini-body ready?’<br />
ad on the Tube, the ‘Nothing tastes<br />
as good as skinny feels’ quote on<br />
Instagram, or ‘I just don’t think<br />
women with big thighs should<br />
wear mini skirts’ conversations you<br />
hear at the office.<br />
Diet culture is everywhere,<br />
and deeply ingrained within<br />
our society, because someone,<br />
somewhere, is making big bucks<br />
from making women feel like shit.<br />
Keeping us hungry and counting<br />
calories keeps us small – not<br />
just physically, but mentally and<br />
spiritually, too. It keeps us focused<br />
on things that don’t actually matter,<br />
so that we don’t have the mental<br />
capacity or energy to take the<br />
patriarchy down, or question the<br />
beliefs that have been programmed<br />
into us.<br />
As children, many of us inherited<br />
unhealthy thoughts and feelings<br />
towards food and our bodies. We<br />
were taught to count calories, no<br />
carbs before marbs, no eating after<br />
6pm, and that apple cider vinegar<br />
would give us a six-pack. When<br />
Slimfast was out, Slimming World<br />
was in. When small bums were out,<br />
big bums were in.<br />
The ideals of how we should look,<br />
and who we should be, change<br />
constantly, so that we remain in<br />
a vicious cycle of self-hate. And<br />
guess what? The money keeps<br />
rolling in to the corporations who<br />
sell us the products or services<br />
that will ‘fix’ us. This is a battle we<br />
never win, because we – and our<br />
bodies – are not the problem.<br />
I remember a few years ago,<br />
after finishing treatment for an<br />
eating disorder, I was so incredibly<br />
Keeping us hungry<br />
and counting<br />
calories keeps<br />
us small – not<br />
just physically,<br />
but mentally and<br />
spiritually, too<br />
angry. I had realised that falling<br />
into disordered eating and negative<br />
body image is almost inevitable if<br />
you simply look at the advertising<br />
and messages we see and hear.<br />
There is a narrative that you<br />
are morally wrong if you don’t<br />
conform to look a certain way. That<br />
women should fall in line, and<br />
never dare to break free from the<br />
story that no longer serves them.<br />
Diet culture is just another tool to<br />
take away our power. We’ve been<br />
brainwashed into believing that<br />
our own intuition isn’t enough,<br />
and that we cannot trust our<br />
bodies to eat well. So, we allow<br />
things outside of us to do the work<br />
instead.<br />
28 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
@GRACEFVICTORY<br />
Grace recommends<br />
Body Positive Power: How<br />
to stop dieting, make peace<br />
with your body and live<br />
By Megan Jayne Crabbe<br />
(Vermilion, £12.99)<br />
Health at Every Size:<br />
The surprising truth<br />
about your weight<br />
By Linda Bacon<br />
(BenBella Books, £10.99)<br />
This is why our relationship with<br />
food – and ourselves – becomes so<br />
skewed. We tear ourselves down<br />
in any way that we can, and even<br />
though 95% of diets do not work,<br />
we blame ourselves if we don’t lose<br />
weight. We exercise to look good,<br />
despite feeling like utter crap. We<br />
constantly think about our bodies<br />
in a negative way, and every day<br />
that goes past is another day of<br />
self-loathing and self-deprecating<br />
behaviour.<br />
But we hardly see it, because it’s<br />
normal to hate who we are, and<br />
radical not to. We disconnect from<br />
parts of us in a bid to become<br />
smaller versions of ourselves. We<br />
shrink, pick, and even cut away at<br />
who we are, in the desperate hope<br />
that we will find happiness in a<br />
smaller pair of jeans.<br />
And this was me, and sometimes,<br />
it is still me. I’ve been so much<br />
thinner than I am now, and it still<br />
wasn’t enough. I got to my goal<br />
weight and the goal changed, and<br />
then all of a sudden I was Googling<br />
boob jobs and bum lifts. It became<br />
apparent that no matter what I<br />
looked like, I still wouldn’t like<br />
myself. It wasn’t my body after all.<br />
Happiness and self-actualisation<br />
cannot be found on the outside<br />
– it is about the inner you. It is<br />
about knowing who you really<br />
were before you internalised<br />
other people’s standards. It is<br />
about setting your own standards.<br />
It is about letting go of fear, and<br />
instead choosing love. Life does<br />
not begin when you’re thin. Life is<br />
happening now. So, stop engaging<br />
in behaviours, conversations, and<br />
diets that make you feel like you’re<br />
not good enough. You are.<br />
Love<br />
Grace<br />
x<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 29
Ask the experts<br />
Career coach Letesia Gibson<br />
answers your questions on<br />
workplace burnout<br />
Read more about Letesia on<br />
lifecoach-directory.org.uk<br />
QI am exhausted.<br />
I’m in the<br />
middle of a<br />
big project at work,<br />
and I can’t see things<br />
getting better any<br />
time soon. Every day is<br />
hard. What can I do?<br />
It sounds like your<br />
A spiritual and emotional<br />
energies are being<br />
compromised. When we live<br />
with compromise in things<br />
like our values, expectations,<br />
sense of reward, and control<br />
or fairness, is exhausting. We<br />
cope with this by going on<br />
autopilot, withdrawing, and<br />
giving up.<br />
Immediate relief will come<br />
from getting into your<br />
body more often. It will<br />
feel counterintuitive to do<br />
more when you feel tired,<br />
but gentle movement, like<br />
walking or yoga, will help to<br />
regulate your nervous system,<br />
giving you fresh perspective<br />
and a feeling of being in<br />
control again. Getting out of<br />
this dorsal state is necessary<br />
for change.<br />
This experience of work<br />
isn’t working for you. Being<br />
truthful about your mismatch<br />
with it will give you clarity<br />
on what about it needs to<br />
change. That kind of honesty<br />
is easy to say and hard to<br />
do, but the energy you’ll get<br />
back will be worth it.<br />
Q<br />
I think I need to<br />
leave my job,<br />
but it never<br />
seems to be ‘the right<br />
time’. I can’t afford to<br />
leave without another<br />
job lined up, so I’ve<br />
been putting it off.<br />
Can you help me?<br />
AIt’s great that you’re<br />
intending to leave a<br />
job that’s burning you out.<br />
But ‘the right time’ will never<br />
emerge while in that draining<br />
zone. We have to create the<br />
fertile conditions for the new<br />
strength and motivation to<br />
grow, and the first step is<br />
putting you first, more often.<br />
Write down the good parts<br />
of the day. Practise saying<br />
‘no’ more often. Commit to<br />
carving out time to start a<br />
transition plan. Can you cut<br />
down your hours, or take<br />
some holiday? Before the<br />
new job, you need to get<br />
clear on what you actually<br />
need to thrive in the next role.<br />
When you know this, you’ll be<br />
ready to start looking for a<br />
new job, and see what new<br />
energy you have for change.
Burnout<br />
Q<br />
I’m worried<br />
about a<br />
colleague.<br />
They have become<br />
detached and seem to<br />
have lost their ‘spark’.<br />
How can I support<br />
them?<br />
One of our fundamental<br />
A needs is to be truly<br />
seen, and when a person<br />
becomes disconnected, they<br />
have become invisible –<br />
even to themselves. When<br />
this is done with kindness<br />
and compassion, it creates<br />
a much-needed space for<br />
connection.<br />
Tips include keeping things<br />
simple. Let them know<br />
that you see them in this<br />
struggle, and that you are<br />
there for them. Have soft<br />
eye contact. Be gentle with<br />
your tone of voice. Choose<br />
a place and time that fits<br />
this more intimate moment.<br />
Avoid speculating why this<br />
is happening, or trying to fix<br />
it. Be ready to listen. Don’t<br />
get hung up on needing to<br />
do something, or expecting<br />
them to ask for something<br />
in return. The very act of<br />
seeing them is a powerful<br />
support in itself.<br />
Life Coach Directory is part of the <strong>Happiful</strong> Family | Helping you find the help you need
AN OPEN BOOK<br />
Frankie Bridge was first thrust into the spotlight as a member of S Club<br />
Juniors, before going on to join the hugely successful girl group, The<br />
Saturdays. But behind the scenes, things weren’t easy – and for a short<br />
time in 2012, she found herself an inpatient at a mental health hospital.<br />
For Frankie, this was an opportunity to speak about the realities of<br />
mental health, and she hasn’t looked back since. Here, we catch up<br />
about her new part-autobiography, part-self-help book OPEN, and<br />
what it means to be a ‘work in progress’...<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
Hi Frankie! Congratulations on<br />
your new book, OPEN. Does it still<br />
feel a bit surreal? It does! It’s weird<br />
because people who I don’t know<br />
are now getting to know me quite<br />
intimately! But it’s good because<br />
when I’m saying things that I’m<br />
feeling, and seeing that others have<br />
also experienced it, it makes me<br />
feel less alone – at the same time<br />
as making them feel less alone. It<br />
was a difficult writing process, but<br />
I enjoyed it. And now I’ve got the<br />
end result, it was all worth it.<br />
In OPEN, you’re asking people to<br />
‘Speak out. Ask for help. And be<br />
helped.’ Do you remember the<br />
first time you spoke out about<br />
your mental health? I went to the<br />
doctor, I thought I was just tired.<br />
He was the one who suggested I<br />
needed some therapy, and that<br />
was a weird moment because I just<br />
couldn’t see it, it wasn’t something<br />
that I knew anything about, or<br />
that anyone had spoken about.<br />
But it was after that that I realised<br />
he was right, and I realised that<br />
things weren’t quite as they<br />
should be.<br />
In 2012 you had a short stay in<br />
a mental health hospital. Did<br />
you have any preconceptions<br />
about it before going in? In my<br />
head, it was all padded walls<br />
and being locked in your room.<br />
It wasn’t like that at all, it was a<br />
really comforting place to be, and<br />
it was such a relief to be around<br />
people who I didn’t have to lie to,<br />
or pretend to be OK in front of.<br />
It was just a massive weight off<br />
my shoulders, and I didn’t really<br />
expect that before I went in.<br />
You then went on to talk publicly<br />
about your stay. Was that a<br />
difficult decision? No – it was<br />
more that, at the time, the press<br />
assumed that I had some kind of<br />
addiction or eating disorder. No<br />
one really thought about anxiety<br />
and depression, and I just wanted<br />
to raise awareness that there are<br />
different things that people go to<br />
hospital for.<br />
How do you approach<br />
conversations about mental<br />
health now? I don’t always know<br />
how to approach it with other<br />
people, because everyone’s<br />
different, and I don’t want to<br />
frighten people off. But if anyone<br />
asks me a question, I find it quite<br />
easy to talk about my mental<br />
health. It doesn’t mean if I’m<br />
walking around and someone<br />
asks me how I am, I’ll say, “Oh<br />
I’m awful.” There are only certain<br />
people that I tell. But it’s important<br />
that I have those people.<br />
As a mother of two boys, do you<br />
talk about wellbeing at home?<br />
I do try to but, though I struggle<br />
with my mental health, I don’t<br />
really know how to approach the<br />
subject with them at such a young<br />
Photography | Sophie Davidson<br />
32 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
I have anxiety and<br />
depression, this<br />
is who I am, and<br />
it is what it is<br />
age. I just try to ask questions about<br />
how they’re feeling. When they’re at<br />
school, I ask them whether people<br />
are being kind, are they happy,<br />
and just reassure them that I love<br />
them. When they’re scared about<br />
things, I try not to just brush it off<br />
and push it to the side – I try to be<br />
understanding.<br />
You call yourself a ‘work in<br />
progress’, what do you mean by<br />
that? I’m not going to be fixed. I<br />
have a chemical imbalance in my<br />
brain, and it’s not going to go away.<br />
So every day I have to work on<br />
getting up and staying positive. I’m<br />
always learning what can press the<br />
wrong buttons, and what presses<br />
the right buttons. But I think that<br />
comes with age and surrounding<br />
myself with the right people. I’m<br />
kind of accepting that this is who I<br />
am. I have anxiety and depression,<br />
this is who I am, and it is what it is.<br />
Do you have a message for<br />
someone who might be going<br />
through something similar?<br />
Knowledge is key. Know what is<br />
happening to you, find someone<br />
you can confide in, and don’t<br />
give yourself such a hard time.<br />
Remember, a better day is around<br />
the corner.<br />
‘OPEN’ by Frankie Bridge is out now<br />
(Cassell, £18.99). You can follow<br />
Frankie on Instagram @frankiebridge<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 33
I am. I have<br />
Megan Crabbe | Joseph Sinclair<br />
THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST<br />
SHAHROO IZADI MEGAN CRABBE<br />
JAMIE WINDUST KIMBERLEY WILSON<br />
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Listen to conversations with Jamie Windust, Megan Crabbe, Kimberley Wilson,<br />
Shahroo Izadi and many others who share their passions, and<br />
reveal the moments that shaped them.<br />
34 • happiful.com • February <strong>2020</strong>
crafting<br />
From slow sewing to paper cutting, we explore the wonderful world of<br />
mindful crafts and how they benefit our mental health<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls<br />
Many of us know<br />
by now that<br />
mindfulness is a<br />
pretty wonderful<br />
thing. It can reduce stress and<br />
anxiety, and generally help us to<br />
maintain our mental wellness.<br />
Mindfulness meditation is<br />
often hailed as the ultimate<br />
mindfulness practice. But the<br />
brilliant thing about mindfulness<br />
is that it can be tapped into in so<br />
many ways. One creative idea is<br />
to take regular crafting activities<br />
and give them a mindfulness spin<br />
by slowing down, and letting the<br />
activity absorb your attention.<br />
Counsellor Bethyn Casey<br />
incorporates creative therapy into<br />
her work, and believes crafting<br />
can be ideal for those looking for a<br />
different approach to mindfulness.<br />
“There is something outside<br />
of yourself to focus on – trying<br />
to sit and meditate when our<br />
thoughts are rushing can be<br />
just what we need, and I would<br />
never discourage mindfulness<br />
meditation, but sometimes<br />
a meditative state is hard to<br />
achieve and a busy mind can be<br />
frustrated further by the struggle<br />
to relax on its own accord.<br />
“Playing with colours, symbols<br />
and shapes can be absorbing, our<br />
attention focused on something<br />
else, but ideally pressure-free,<br />
and so we may more naturally<br />
relax into a mindful way of<br />
being.”<br />
But the actual benefits go<br />
beyond this. Research from the<br />
British Journal of Occupational<br />
Therapy suggests doing crafting<br />
activities on a regular basis can<br />
improve mood and increase<br />
feelings of relaxation. And<br />
Bethyn notes that being creative<br />
in this way can ultimately help us<br />
access difficult emotions, too.<br />
“By crafting, we’re just letting<br />
images, shapes, colours, and our<br />
intuition, lead us in different<br />
directions. Somehow the fun of<br />
the objects themselves can mean<br />
we drift out of boxed thinking and<br />
discover that something within us<br />
can quietly rearrange things in the<br />
background.<br />
“Suddenly we’ve put our tools<br />
away, and whatever it was that was<br />
stuck and knotted and inaccessible<br />
inside has somehow formed itself<br />
into something tangible that can<br />
be touched and explored.”<br />
Sometimes, focusing on<br />
something external can help<br />
us internally. If this sounds like<br />
something you’re keen to try,<br />
we’ve got some suggested mindful<br />
crafting activities for you – get<br />
your tools at the ready. >>><br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 35
Paper<br />
cutting<br />
Paper cutting involves making intricate designs<br />
using a craft knife and, traditionally, just one sheet<br />
of paper. The entire process of paper cutting, from<br />
designing to cutting, takes extreme focus and care,<br />
making it an ideal mindful craft. When cutting, try<br />
to focus your attention on what you’re doing and<br />
take it slowly.<br />
You might want to attend a class or follow online<br />
tutorials to get started. Once you feel happy with the<br />
technique, all you need is a template, a craft knife,<br />
and a piece of paper – simple!<br />
Macramé<br />
Macramé is a type of textile made using knotting<br />
techniques. You can use any materials that can be<br />
knotted, such as cotton, twine, yarn, or even leather,<br />
to create a beautiful wall hanging or plant holder.<br />
The activity is both challenging to the mind (some of<br />
the knots can be intricate), and relaxing as there are<br />
often repetitive actions needed. This combination<br />
can trigger a flow state, where you feel relaxed and<br />
as if time is standing still.<br />
Mindful<br />
scrapbooking<br />
Cutting and sticking in this way can feel incredibly<br />
therapeutic, and it turns out there’s a reason for this,<br />
as Bethyn explains.<br />
“We can discover things about ourselves we didn’t<br />
know – when collaging, we’re drawn to certain<br />
types of images, shapes, and colours that resonate<br />
with different meanings for us. By playing about<br />
Use scrap cuttings for<br />
your scrapbook<br />
with them, and rearranging what goes where, new ways<br />
of seeing old patterns appear; suddenly the world isn’t a<br />
lonely place; we are our own friend, gradually discovering<br />
new ways of relating to the world around us as we continue<br />
to practise our craft.”<br />
As a bonus, you get to keep your scrapbook after you’re<br />
done! Pick a theme or simply let your intuition guide you!<br />
36 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
Never underestimate the<br />
power of a box full of craft<br />
toys; they can open up a<br />
whole different world inside<br />
our own minds<br />
Slow sewing<br />
Instead of reaching for the sewing machine, slow<br />
sewing is all about stitching a project by hand. The<br />
gentle, focused nature of hand sewing makes it a<br />
perfect mindfulness activity. It can also be nice to<br />
try alongside other people, especially if you struggle<br />
with social anxiety.<br />
“Having crafting to focus on means the excess<br />
energy anxiety brings can go into what we’re<br />
creating, rather than building up within. Sometimes<br />
being able to share a craft activity together quietly,<br />
without the normal social pressures of having<br />
to make conversation, can be in itself socially<br />
fulfilling,” Bethyn says.<br />
If you’re new to sewing, why not reach out to see if<br />
anyone would be willing to help you learn and form<br />
a slow sewing group? You might make some friends<br />
while developing a new skill.<br />
We know carving out time<br />
for yourself can be difficult,<br />
especially when the demands<br />
of work and family seem to be<br />
tugging at your sleeve. Having<br />
a dedicated activity to turn to<br />
can not only help you prioritise<br />
‘you time’ (and make you excited<br />
about it), it can help you switch<br />
off from modern-day stressors<br />
(yes, we’re looking at you<br />
Twitter).<br />
As Bethyn says: “Never<br />
underestimate the power of a box<br />
full of craft toys; they can open<br />
up a whole different world inside<br />
our own minds; it’s a world where<br />
we get to make choices about how<br />
we shape our creations, and this<br />
can help us begin to make choices<br />
about how we want to craft our<br />
own lives.”<br />
So, whether you’re a crafting<br />
newbie looking to try something<br />
different, or a dab hand with a<br />
craft knife, you officially have<br />
permission to get creative more<br />
often. Trust us, your mind will<br />
thank you for it.<br />
Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to<br />
find out more about Bethyn Casey,<br />
mindfulness, and art therapies.<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 37
“<br />
Enjoy the little things, for one<br />
day you may look back and<br />
realise they were the big things<br />
– ROBERT BRAULT<br />
Photography | Natasha Kasim
TRUE LIFE<br />
Learning to<br />
choose me<br />
Sarah’s world was consumed by her eating<br />
disorder for more than a decade. It’s wasn’t an<br />
overnight transformation, but with time, patience,<br />
and understanding, she learned to embrace her<br />
natural body as it is<br />
Writing | Sarah Young<br />
I<br />
was terrified,<br />
standing on the<br />
scales, praying<br />
that the number<br />
would show a<br />
drop in weight. I’d just<br />
woken from a nightmare<br />
where I’d gained two stone<br />
overnight. When I opened<br />
my eyes, my hands had<br />
been running over my<br />
protruding hip bones, even<br />
in sleep, just to check that<br />
they were still prominent.<br />
I kept feeling like there<br />
was a shadowy presence,<br />
just out of the corner of my<br />
eye, watching me. It felt<br />
like death. I felt like maybe<br />
I was ready for him.<br />
It was early 2012 and I<br />
was nearly 21. I’d been<br />
living with an eating<br />
disorder for almost a<br />
decade. The reason for<br />
its development can’t<br />
be pinpointed to one<br />
single event, but rather<br />
a combination of many<br />
factors coming together to<br />
make the perfect storm.<br />
This period was the<br />
worst I’d ever been. My<br />
brittle, dry hair fell out in<br />
clumps in the shower. I<br />
was experiencing memory<br />
loss. I was dizzy a lot, the<br />
world seemed grey, and<br />
my senses were dulled as<br />
if my brain was smothered<br />
in cotton wool. I had<br />
insomnia, and when I slept<br />
I had nightmares. I was<br />
entirely, unequivocally,<br />
weary of being sick and<br />
miserable.<br />
I was weary of being<br />
in a living hell. I was<br />
weary with the despair,<br />
the darkness, the anger,<br />
and the devastation. I<br />
was weary of the calories<br />
circling around my head<br />
all day and night. I was<br />
tired of counting down the<br />
minutes until I was ‘allowed’<br />
to eat, of the starving and<br />
compulsive exercising, and<br />
eventually, the purging.<br />
I was exhausted by the<br />
intense fear I felt at going<br />
anywhere near food, and<br />
the utter desolation of my<br />
mind and body that meant<br />
I lived in a starving shell<br />
that couldn’t function, and<br />
a mind controlled by a<br />
single focus: to lose weight.<br />
A severe mental illness<br />
caused by a combination<br />
of genetics and my<br />
environment was my way<br />
of handling the world and<br />
myself, but finally, after<br />
eight years, I decided that<br />
this could not go on.<br />
At first, I viewed death as<br />
the only escape from the<br />
torment, but as moments<br />
of clarity started to push<br />
their way to the forefront of<br />
my mind, the possibility<br />
of recovery developed<br />
from rejected thoughts to<br />
cautious actions.<br />
However, I was faced<br />
with a world that seemed<br />
to not want me to recover.<br />
Not fully, anyway. It was as<br />
if everything in the world<br />
was screaming: “Recover,<br />
but not too much. Gain<br />
weight, but not too much.<br />
Eat more, but not too<br />
much.” I felt like the<br />
world was asking me to<br />
tone down my disordered<br />
thoughts and behaviours…<br />
but not too much.<br />
I watched others call<br />
themselves “recovered”<br />
from eating disorders,<br />
while closely restricting<br />
their intake, and<br />
controlling their exercise.<br />
For me, that felt like still<br />
being sick. It felt like<br />
being better, but not well. >>><br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 39
To hear more from<br />
Sarah, follow her<br />
journey on Instagram<br />
@bodypositivepear<br />
I felt like the world was<br />
asking me to tone down<br />
my disordered thoughts<br />
and behaviours… but not<br />
too much<br />
It felt like still being inside<br />
a cage, and not able to live<br />
life freely.<br />
But I found out, you can<br />
push further.<br />
I came across a blog that<br />
suggested another way.<br />
It suggested that we all<br />
have our own individual<br />
natural, healthy weights,<br />
that our bodies need to<br />
be at their healthiest. It<br />
talked about eating freely<br />
in order to recover from<br />
eating disorders. It talked<br />
about listening to your<br />
body fully, and responding<br />
to all the hunger that<br />
recovery brings. It talked<br />
about becoming friends<br />
with your body rather than<br />
treating it as the enemy.<br />
It also led me to a website<br />
that changed my life, and<br />
made me realise that I<br />
don’t have to engage with<br />
diet culture, or live my life<br />
trying to please society by<br />
having the ‘perfect’ body.<br />
Formerly known as Your<br />
Eatopia, now The Eating<br />
Disorder Institute, the site<br />
taught me about health at<br />
every size, weight set point<br />
theory, and fat acceptance.<br />
I decided to reject the<br />
idea of an ‘ideal’ body.<br />
But this wasn’t a decision<br />
I made in an instant – it<br />
took years of research,<br />
getting involved with<br />
feminism and the body<br />
positivity movement, and<br />
learning about the impact<br />
of diet culture, and how<br />
the diet and weight loss<br />
industry intentionally make<br />
us hate ourselves for profit.<br />
It took deciding to be as<br />
healthy and happy as I could<br />
possibly be in both body and<br />
mind. It took deciding to let<br />
40 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
I choose my<br />
health and<br />
happiness over the<br />
approval of others.<br />
I choose me<br />
OUR EXPERT SAYS<br />
go of the importance that<br />
I had placed on being a<br />
certain weight.<br />
I turned out to be one of<br />
those people who naturally<br />
have a higher body weight<br />
than some. This can mean<br />
dealing with increased<br />
stigma around weight and<br />
size, and knowing that<br />
some people will look at<br />
me and decide that I am<br />
unhealthy/lazy/greedy,<br />
while knowing nothing<br />
about my lifestyle, or who<br />
I am as a person. I am also<br />
aware of my own weight<br />
privileges, in that there are<br />
people at higher weights<br />
who suffer a lot more<br />
stigma and discrimination.<br />
My body is the size that<br />
I can live my life as a<br />
healthy and happy person.<br />
If I wanted to be smaller,<br />
I’d have to focus on calorie<br />
restriction, and possibly<br />
an excessive amount<br />
of exercise, and we all<br />
know where that would<br />
lead. I accept my body. I<br />
know I am doing what is<br />
right for me. I choose my<br />
health and happiness over<br />
the approval of others. I<br />
choose me.<br />
I have been ‘in remission’<br />
as I like to call it (as I don’t<br />
believe eating disorders<br />
can ever be fully cured)<br />
for five years now. It was<br />
a long, hellish journey to<br />
end up here, but it was<br />
the most important thing<br />
that I have ever done for<br />
myself. If I could say one<br />
thing to those thinking<br />
about fighting that war, I<br />
would say that however<br />
indescribably hard the<br />
battle is, it is all worth it – a<br />
billion times over.<br />
To get to where I am<br />
now, I chose to reject the<br />
ideas and ideals that are so<br />
entrenched in our culture<br />
and our society. I chose<br />
my actual health over the<br />
idea that you have to be<br />
a certain weight, shape,<br />
or size to be healthy. I<br />
chose my actual happiness<br />
over the absolute lie that<br />
you have to be a certain<br />
number on the scales to<br />
be happy. Those lies are<br />
fed to us all day, every day,<br />
everywhere we look, but<br />
I don’t buy it any more. I<br />
have decided to live my<br />
life in a way that means<br />
working with my body<br />
and letting it be whatever<br />
weight, shape, or size it<br />
needs to be to enable me<br />
to be healthy and happy.<br />
I will not change that for<br />
anyone. I choose me.<br />
Over the years,<br />
suffering from her<br />
eating disorder caused<br />
Sarah severe symptoms<br />
that brought her to<br />
a crisis point in her<br />
life. She found online<br />
resources that helped<br />
her to change how she<br />
identified with her body.<br />
They inspired her and<br />
helped her to stay in<br />
a healthy relationship<br />
with herself and food.<br />
It helped her to value<br />
her own opinions of her<br />
body over that of others.<br />
Often this is first step<br />
in changing – knowing<br />
and finding who you<br />
are, not what others say<br />
you should be. Now<br />
Sarah is much<br />
more confident<br />
and comfortable<br />
with life.<br />
Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP<br />
Reg Ind counsellor<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 41
HAPPIFUL TOP 10<br />
<strong>March</strong><br />
Feel empowered by real experiences, from real people. Get involved with the global<br />
movement celebrating women and girls, discover the influencer breaking down<br />
barriers, and take action to end stereotypes around eating disorders<br />
1PAGE-TURNERS<br />
The Wellfulness Project<br />
‘Wellfulness’ is all about<br />
using mindfulness to improve<br />
your wellbeing. You don’t<br />
need to practise meditation,<br />
mindfulness can be used<br />
anywhere at any time. The<br />
Wellfulness Project will guide<br />
you through how to apply<br />
mindfulness in everyday life.<br />
(Out 5 <strong>March</strong>, Octopus<br />
Publishing Group, £16.99)<br />
3<br />
PUT ON A SHOW<br />
4<br />
Women of the World<br />
Festival<br />
Women of the World is a<br />
global movement celebrating<br />
women and girls. This year<br />
is the 10th anniversary of the<br />
WOW festival, and it’s set<br />
to be bigger than ever! Visit<br />
the festival for three days of<br />
events, performances, and<br />
debates from the world’s<br />
leading speakers, activists,<br />
and performers.<br />
(6–8 <strong>March</strong>. To<br />
find out more, visit<br />
thewowfoundation.com)<br />
OUT AND ABOUT<br />
2<br />
London Dog Week<br />
This week-long celebration is<br />
all about the power pups have<br />
to bring people together. Head<br />
to the capital to enjoy fashion exclusives, interactive experiences, and<br />
competitions, all while raising money to support the welfare of dogs<br />
around the country. It’s bound to have tails wagging!<br />
(23–29 <strong>March</strong>, for more information head to londondogweek.com)<br />
PLUGGED-IN<br />
Amber Guzman<br />
Amber lives with<br />
muscular dystrophy,<br />
which has left her<br />
unable to walk long<br />
distances, and has made daily<br />
activities more challenging. To help<br />
distract herself, Amber began to<br />
embrace her passion for cosplay,<br />
and now she inspires thousands<br />
with her complex costume designs,<br />
eye-catching<br />
photographs,<br />
and ingenious<br />
incorporation of<br />
her wheelchair.<br />
(Follow<br />
@amber_<br />
kohaku_chan<br />
on Instagram)<br />
5TECH TIP-OFFS<br />
ThinkUp Positive<br />
Affirmations<br />
Do you want to develop<br />
a more positive mindset? ThinkUp<br />
helps you achieve this by allowing<br />
you to choose a positive affirmation,<br />
record yourself saying it, and listen<br />
to it daily. You can record multiple<br />
affirmations specific to your goals,<br />
and add your favourite music and<br />
photos to tailor the app just for you.<br />
(Download from the App Store and<br />
Google Play, find out more<br />
at thinkup.me)
Images | Mulan: Walt Disney Pictures, Amber: Instagram @amber_kohaku_chan<br />
6 9<br />
LEND US YOUR EARS<br />
How Did We Get Here?<br />
Ever wonder how you ended<br />
up in a certain situation?<br />
Close friends Claudia Winkleman and<br />
Professor Tanya Byron discuss the reallife<br />
difficulties their guests are facing,<br />
and help them to understand why they<br />
can’t put into practice what they<br />
know they should do.<br />
(Listen to the podcast on iTunes<br />
and Spotify)<br />
7<br />
SQUARE EYES<br />
This Disney favourite is<br />
back with a bang in this live-action<br />
feature film. Mulan tells the story<br />
of a young Chinese woman who<br />
disguises herself as a male warrior<br />
in order to protect her father. Far<br />
from a princess waiting to be<br />
saved from her tower, this script is<br />
filled with female empowerment.<br />
Mulan<br />
(In cinemas 27 <strong>March</strong>)<br />
THE CONVERSATION<br />
Eating Disorders Awareness Week<br />
8<br />
TREAT YOURSELF<br />
If you’re trying to go green, a reusable coffee cup is a great way to cut<br />
down on the plastic! The WAKEcup coffee cup is made from sustainably<br />
farmed bamboo and stainless steel, and 10% of profits go directly to The<br />
Marine Conservation Society. Start saving the planet with your coffee.<br />
WAKEcup coffee cup<br />
(£19, visit globalwakecup.com for more)<br />
Win a WAKEcup coffee cup!<br />
For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com<br />
with your answer to the following question:<br />
How much coffee cup waste does the UK produce each year?<br />
a) 10,000 tonnes b) 20,000 tonnes c) 30,000 tonnes<br />
UK mainland only. Competition closes on 19 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>, good luck!<br />
Anyone affected by an eating disorder deserves support,<br />
no matter what their diagnosis, gender, ethnicity,<br />
sexuality, age or background. This week is about breaking down the<br />
stereotypes around eating disorders, and sharing real-life stories<br />
about how people are affected.<br />
(2–8 <strong>March</strong>, get involved at beateatingdisorders.org.uk)<br />
10GET<br />
GOING<br />
Chocathlon Yorkshire<br />
Getting active doesn’t<br />
mean you have to give<br />
up all tasty temptations!<br />
Choose between 5K or 9K<br />
routes, and refuel at the<br />
chocolate stations as you<br />
walk or run around the<br />
track. Prizes are on offer<br />
for the top three finishers,<br />
as well as the best fancy<br />
dress.<br />
(7 <strong>March</strong>, find out more<br />
at chocathlon.co.uk)<br />
WIN!
How to deal with the<br />
“How's work?"<br />
question<br />
Taking time off for our mental health is often essential, but many of<br />
us dread explaining why we’re taking time away<br />
Writing | Katie Conibear Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
Often it’s not until we’re<br />
taking time off to<br />
look after our mental<br />
health that we realise<br />
how much small talk<br />
revolves around work. It’s seen as a<br />
universal icebreaker, from people<br />
we know well to those we’ve just<br />
met. We might be at a party (yes,<br />
you can be unwell and still go to<br />
parties), a family gathering, or just<br />
out for a coffee with a friend.<br />
While it can feel overwhelming<br />
to socialise when we’re unwell,<br />
it’s important as it stops us from<br />
isolating ourselves, and these are<br />
the people that can support us, and<br />
help carry us through. So to then<br />
be presented with the “how’s work”<br />
question can sometimes feel like<br />
too much to deal with.<br />
As innocent as the intention,<br />
it can be a loaded question. I’ve<br />
been asked this when I’ve been ill<br />
with mental health problems, and<br />
that feeling of dread will begin to<br />
creep over me. I’ll feel flustered<br />
and anxious, with a tightness in my<br />
chest. I’ve found myself making<br />
excuses, or trying to avoid the<br />
question completely. But rather<br />
than feeling shame, or hiding,<br />
here are four important points<br />
to remember when we’re having<br />
these conversations.<br />
1 BE HONEST<br />
Sounds difficult right? It doesn’t<br />
have to be. The way we phrase our<br />
responses can make everyone who<br />
is a part of the conversation feel<br />
at ease. Think about the person<br />
or people you’re talking to. How<br />
can they relate to your situation?<br />
Do they know us well or are they<br />
acquaintances? There are simple<br />
phrases that work well in these<br />
situations:<br />
• “I’m taking some time out for my<br />
mental health.”<br />
• “I’m making my health a priority.”<br />
• “I need time to refocus so I can do<br />
my best at work when I go back.”<br />
• “I was feeling stressed and near<br />
burnout, and needed some time off<br />
to recharge.”<br />
Depending on the person, we<br />
can figure out how much detail we<br />
want to divulge. If you feel you can<br />
be completely honest, do it! The<br />
majority of people will care and<br />
ask how they can help.<br />
2 LOSE THE SHAME<br />
We often find ourselves<br />
apologising for being mentally<br />
unwell. We do it because of shame<br />
and guilt, but thinking differently<br />
about why we’re off can make our<br />
conversations easier. Ask yourself:<br />
“How likely is it someone will<br />
think less of me? I’ve made a call<br />
about my health and I needed to<br />
take time off.” Feeling ashamed<br />
won’t help us feel better, it will<br />
sabotage our efforts to get back to<br />
work. If someone does shame us<br />
for being unwell, they need to be<br />
educated; it is a fault with them,<br />
not us.<br />
3 TELL THEM YOU’RE TAKING<br />
CARE OF YOURSELF<br />
Having time out from work means<br />
you’re taking your health seriously.<br />
It might be you’ve stopped yourself<br />
from reaching burnout. Or you<br />
may have reached burnout, and<br />
had the presence of mind to realise<br />
44 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
that you needed a break. Everyone<br />
can relate to these feelings to an<br />
extent. If it’s an ongoing, long-term<br />
illness then it shows that we know<br />
ourselves well, and taking care<br />
of ourselves should be praised.<br />
We’ve taken responsibility for our<br />
health, which shows maturity. We<br />
should be proud that we’re not<br />
trying to work through an illness,<br />
but instead are making our health<br />
a priority.<br />
4 REMEMBER WORK<br />
DOESN’T DEFINE YOU<br />
Although work is an important<br />
part of many people’s lives, it<br />
doesn’t have to define us. There<br />
are so many more things that are a<br />
part of us – our hobbies, passions,<br />
and personality to name a few.<br />
When we really think about all<br />
the topics we’re interested in, the<br />
possibilities for a conversation are<br />
endless. Shifting a conversation to<br />
a topic that is important to us can<br />
make socialising less stressful to<br />
deal with. It can also help us find<br />
purpose outside of work. It can<br />
help us realise that our identity<br />
matters just as much as our career.<br />
Katie Conibear is a freelance writer,<br />
focusing on mental health. She blogs<br />
at stumblingmind.com and has a<br />
podcast, ‘A Life Lived Vividly’, with a<br />
focus on hearing voices.<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 45
Photography | Marcos Paulo Prado<br />
“<br />
Accept yourself, love yourself,<br />
and keep moving forward<br />
– ROY T BENNETT
How acrylic nails<br />
helped me beat<br />
my hair-pulling<br />
disorder<br />
For years,<br />
Salma battled<br />
trichotillomania – the<br />
irresistible urge to<br />
pull out her hair. Then<br />
a simple trip to a nail<br />
salon transformed<br />
her life, and her<br />
sense of self…<br />
Writing | Salma Haidrani<br />
For most of my teens,<br />
mornings often followed<br />
the same pattern: I’d wake<br />
up with raw and red eyes, a<br />
sore scalp, several missing<br />
lashes, and patches of bare skin<br />
between my eyebrows. It took a<br />
few seconds before it’d dawn on me<br />
why: I’d deliberately pulled my hair<br />
out, and now there was hardly any<br />
of it left.<br />
It wasn’t always like this. With<br />
our thick mane and full set of dark<br />
eyelashes, no one could easily tell<br />
me or my twin, Layla, apart. >>><br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 47
Any attempts to ‘cure’ the<br />
disorder over the years – from<br />
putting plasters on my fingers, to<br />
meditation – had failed<br />
But at 15, I’d developed<br />
trichotillomania, a disorder that<br />
saw me pull at my lashes, brows,<br />
and later my scalp.<br />
Stressed by looming exams, the<br />
familiar ritual of pulling a strand<br />
and coiling it around my fingers<br />
was soothing. It soon became<br />
addictive, and it wasn’t long before<br />
bald patches the size of a 50p piece<br />
appeared on my scalp. When I ran<br />
out of head hair to pull, I started<br />
tearing out my pubic hair.<br />
I feared anyone finding out, so<br />
I’d painstakingly spend hours in<br />
front of the mirror, lining my eyes<br />
and brows with heavy kohl liner<br />
and pencil.<br />
Despite my efforts to conceal<br />
my disorder, it wasn’t long before<br />
school friends found out. One<br />
particularly cruel jibe I heard was:<br />
‘How can you tell the difference<br />
between the twins? Salma’s the<br />
one who doesn’t have eyelashes.’<br />
The challenges that came with<br />
my condition were exacerbated<br />
by my heritage. Communities<br />
of colour like mine – I’m half-<br />
Lebanese, half-Pakistani – can<br />
often have an uneasy relationship<br />
with mental health. I certainly<br />
saw this first-hand. Relatives were<br />
reluctant to see trichotillomania<br />
for what is – a mental health<br />
disorder – but as something I<br />
could easily control. My parents,<br />
uncles, and aunts remained<br />
convinced that all it took to control<br />
my condition was willpower.<br />
Any attempts to ‘cure’ the<br />
disorder over the years – from<br />
putting plasters on my fingers,<br />
to meditation – had failed. I had<br />
resigned myself to dealing with the<br />
disorder for the rest of my life.<br />
But that all changed last April<br />
when I was taken, with fellow<br />
bridesmaids, to a salon to have<br />
matching red acrylic nails applied,<br />
ready for my sister’s wedding.<br />
That evening, I found that the<br />
length made it difficult to grip,<br />
let alone pull, my lashes. I was<br />
so overcome with panic that I<br />
considered running back to the<br />
salon to have them removed. Over<br />
that week, it became too much<br />
effort to keep trying, and soon I<br />
realised that I barely pulled.<br />
The impact acrylic nails<br />
have had on my life has been<br />
immeasurable. Within a month,<br />
lashes and brow hair started<br />
sprouting for the first time in<br />
years. Two months later, I had a<br />
full set of (albeit stubby) lashes.<br />
Applying mascara for the first time<br />
in more than a decade was surreal.<br />
With my hair growth came<br />
renewed confidence: I no longer<br />
had to hide. Now I’m rarely<br />
seen without my acrylics – I’ve<br />
experimented with neon-green<br />
talons in summer and jet-black<br />
fingertips during October. If<br />
anything, I don’t feel like ‘me’<br />
without them.<br />
That’s not to say there haven’t<br />
been drawbacks. One white<br />
acrylic nail broke mid-way<br />
through a week-long trip to Ibiza<br />
last summer, and I found myself<br />
tugging absent-mindedly at my<br />
lashes while sunbathing.<br />
Having to maintain my nails<br />
once a month can also take a<br />
toll on my finances. A new set<br />
can set me back as much as<br />
£45 (sometimes £65 if I opt for<br />
intricate designs). As a freelance<br />
journalist, my income can be<br />
unsteady, so sometimes I’ve had to<br />
cancel seeing friends, or cut back<br />
on meals out.<br />
A surprising side-effect, too,<br />
has been discovering the stigma<br />
associated with acrylic nails.<br />
Although a number of celebrities<br />
have popularised acrylic nails –<br />
from the likes of Cardi B, Rihanna,<br />
and Kylie Jenner, to the female<br />
cast of Love Island – that the idea<br />
of acrylic nails being ‘common’,<br />
‘classless’ or ‘tacky’ still persists.<br />
I’ve lost count of the number of<br />
times I’ve been asked ‘How do you<br />
do anything with those nails?’ and<br />
even ‘How do you wipe after going<br />
to the toilet?’ At times, I’ve had to<br />
reveal my condition to complete<br />
strangers – something I’ve kept<br />
secret for more a decade – to<br />
distance myself from the negative<br />
associations of acrylics.<br />
It does a disservice to the<br />
transformative impact acrylic nails<br />
have had on my life and sense of<br />
self. After all, I haven’t pulled for<br />
a year and a half, something I’d<br />
48 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
Salma’s acrylic nails helped to<br />
stop her hair-pulling disorder<br />
never have thought possible a<br />
decade ago.<br />
I no longer need to endure<br />
a three-hour round trip for<br />
eyelash extensions – nor have to<br />
I haven’t<br />
pulled for a<br />
year and a half,<br />
something I’d<br />
never have<br />
thought possible<br />
a decade ago<br />
brace myself for the technician’s<br />
confusion as she notices the empty<br />
patches of bare skin between my<br />
lashes. I can spend hours trawling<br />
make-up counters, trying new<br />
mascaras – a ritual I’d consigned to<br />
history, thanks to trichotillomania.<br />
For those battling the disorder,<br />
help is on hand. Though a fresh set<br />
of acrylic nails works for me, that’s<br />
not to say that will be the case for<br />
everyone. Mindfulness, fidget toys,<br />
wearing a tight-fitting hat, and<br />
CBT, can have a similar effect.<br />
Online trichotillomania support<br />
groups, too, offer much solace and<br />
comfort, as people the world over<br />
have made me feel less isolated<br />
as we exchange ‘progress photos’,<br />
much-needed encouragement,<br />
and distraction techniques. To<br />
women of colour like myself with<br />
the disorder, I say: you’re not any<br />
less of a ‘woman’.<br />
It’s heartening that high-profile<br />
figures, like Sam Faiers and Colin<br />
Farrell, are more vocal about their<br />
experiences with trichotillomania<br />
– I know I would have benefited<br />
from knowing that there were<br />
others who also struggled.<br />
Gone are the days of waking up<br />
with a blurred vision and tell-tale<br />
bare skin between my brows.<br />
Gone, too, are the days of people<br />
being able to easily tell me and my<br />
twin sister apart just by a quick<br />
glance at the bald patches on my<br />
scalp. And for that, and more, I<br />
thank my acrylic nails.<br />
Salma Haidrani is an awardwinning<br />
freelance writer and<br />
journalist based in London. Follow<br />
Salma on Twitter @its_me_salma<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 49
Media partner<br />
Wellbeing – fact or fiction?<br />
How many contradictory posts on wellness have you seen in the past week?<br />
It can be hard to decipher what you should (and shouldn’t) believe online,<br />
but fortunately there’s a new movement to change that – Sarah Greenidge’s<br />
WellSpoken is a trailblazer for truth and credibility across the industry<br />
Writing | Lucy Donoughue<br />
What would you say if<br />
your boss told you to<br />
bend the truth? Or<br />
that blurring the lines<br />
of what you could and couldn’t say<br />
was OK? For Sarah Greenidge, this<br />
situation came up while consulting<br />
for a consumer health PR firm...<br />
“I was really shocked, stunned, at<br />
what could be said at a consumer<br />
health level,” she says.<br />
Sarah’s concerns were raised<br />
when she was asked to cast an eye<br />
over a campaign. “I remember<br />
giving it back with red marks,<br />
noting there were a lot of things<br />
that couldn’t, or shouldn’t, be said,<br />
and was met with a response of:<br />
‘This is health and wellness, so it’s<br />
different. We don’t have to be so<br />
stringent.’”<br />
To address this shocking state of<br />
fact and fiction, Sarah had the idea<br />
for WellSpoken – an independent<br />
authority providing a code of<br />
practice to ensure consumers<br />
could get credible, evidence-based<br />
information on nutrition and<br />
wellness.<br />
Having worked in healthcare,<br />
medical communications, and<br />
regulations, Sarah had the<br />
knowledge and experience, so her<br />
first step was to get to grips with<br />
exactly what the main issues were.<br />
After a year-long journey, she<br />
realised two main things…<br />
“There wasn’t enough<br />
infrastructure, regulation, or<br />
standardisation in place when it<br />
comes to dealing with something<br />
that’s inappropriate,” Sarah says.<br />
“Unfortunately that’s still the case,<br />
unless you breach the advertising<br />
rules, but you can put out some<br />
really dodgy information and<br />
there’s no repercussions, apart<br />
from a bit of backlash.<br />
“The second thing is, I asked five<br />
CEOs what credibility and wellness<br />
meant to them, and I got some<br />
smashing answers – but they were<br />
all different,” Sarah says. “We don’t<br />
have a standard way of keeping<br />
our communications credible.”<br />
So, by working with the<br />
University of Barcelona and the<br />
University of Sheffield, WellSpoken<br />
developed a framework. It offers<br />
accreditation and the WellSpoken<br />
Mark, to ensure consumers can<br />
find trustworthy information, and<br />
that those providing it are sharing<br />
authentic, reliable, and evidencebased<br />
content.<br />
It’s an important step forward.<br />
Given that the worldwide wellness<br />
industry is worth 4.2 trillion<br />
dollars, it’s big business. But<br />
WellSpoken isn’t just about calling<br />
out misinformation. It’s also<br />
about supporting and developing<br />
credible – and incredible – content.<br />
And it’s also important we<br />
move with the times. The way<br />
we’re consuming information is<br />
changing, so it’s not just the big<br />
brands that need to be aware of<br />
the impact they’re having.<br />
“Often the way influencers make<br />
money is by being an ambassador,”<br />
Sarah explains, “or by being paid<br />
to share content about products.<br />
If you’re not experienced in that<br />
field, you might end up promoting<br />
something you wouldn’t ordinarily,<br />
and it’s not maliciously done.”
I remember giving it back<br />
with red marks and was met<br />
with a response of: ‘This is<br />
health and wellness, we don’t<br />
have to be so stringent’<br />
You may have seen the video<br />
clips from an undercover BBC3<br />
series, exposing this very issue.<br />
Influencers, including Lauren<br />
Goodger, were filmed agreeing<br />
to promote a fake product called<br />
Cyanora, without questioning the<br />
poisonous ingredient hydrogen<br />
cyanide.<br />
Part of WellSpoken’s work has<br />
involved researching the impact of<br />
influencer behaviour, by analysing<br />
more than 3,500 health and<br />
wellness influencers, and offering<br />
them data, and even guidance on<br />
pricing, for posts.<br />
But there’s still more work to be<br />
done, Sarah insists. “We’re looking<br />
at the psychology behind the<br />
influencer-follower relationship –<br />
how ‘followers’ interact with those<br />
they follow, and how this might<br />
cause them to drop their guard.<br />
“For example, if they read<br />
information in an article by an<br />
unknown author, they would be<br />
more likely to park that. But when<br />
that same information comes from<br />
someone they’ve put their trust<br />
in, they are more open to receive<br />
and act upon it – so influencer’s<br />
can have even more responsibility<br />
than a brand, in a way.”<br />
With that responsibility,<br />
WellSpoken suggests the following<br />
four tenets every content producer<br />
should abide by. “We use SOBI.<br />
S stands for substantiation –<br />
making sure you can reference<br />
research and, where it’s personal<br />
opinion, showing that really<br />
clearly. O is is making sure you’re<br />
not out of remit. B is balance. And<br />
I is for incomplete – not leaving<br />
out vital information.”<br />
It’s an approach she hopes many<br />
in the wellness industry will adopt<br />
moving forwards!<br />
Find out more about WellSpoken at<br />
wearewellspoken.com and follow it<br />
on Twitter @WellSpokenMark<br />
Sarah will be at Live Well<br />
London (28 Feb to 1 <strong>March</strong>),<br />
speaking at ‘How To Be A<br />
Credible Business in the<br />
Wellbeing Industry’ and ‘Fact<br />
or Fiction: What To Believe<br />
When It Comes To Your<br />
Wellbeing’. Find out more at<br />
livewelllondon.com
How to stop resentment<br />
building in your relationship<br />
Occasional arguments can be a natural part of our relationships,<br />
but is there a way to avoid upset and imbalances before they<br />
develop into something more?<br />
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford<br />
Romantic<br />
relationships can<br />
be tricky things.<br />
From keeping<br />
track of the dayto-day,<br />
to the dozens of tasks and<br />
responsibilities on our plates (such<br />
as remembering the birthday of a<br />
family member you’ve never even<br />
met), relationships can come with<br />
a lot of added responsibilities.<br />
For many, the imbalance in<br />
emotional labour that can develop<br />
leaves us feeling exhausted,<br />
overstretched, stressed, and fedup.<br />
As counsellor Laurele Mitchell<br />
explains, when we feel that the<br />
balance of our responsibilities<br />
within a relationship is off, it can<br />
lead to a whole host of problems.<br />
“It’s incredibly stressful to take<br />
responsibility for someone else,<br />
to remember everything that<br />
needs to be done – never mind to<br />
do it – especially if we subjugate<br />
our own needs in the process,”<br />
Laurele explains. “It can lead to<br />
bitterness and resentment, being<br />
critical, and even contemptuous<br />
of our partner, which all have<br />
the potential to damage the<br />
relationship, especially if our<br />
partner is blissfully unaware of<br />
the problem!”<br />
Communication is key<br />
The more stressed and under<br />
pressure we feel, the more likely<br />
we are to bottle things up. After<br />
all, how can those around us not<br />
see how overwhelmed we are?<br />
Yet when we let these feelings<br />
and overall sense of discontent<br />
build, we risk making ourselves<br />
feel worse.<br />
“Effective communication is<br />
the lifeblood of any relationship,<br />
and the antidote to the impact of<br />
emotional labour,” Laurele says.<br />
But how can we start to do this, if<br />
the effects of emotional labour are<br />
already being felt?<br />
“Firstly, articulating your<br />
feelings honestly and respectfully<br />
to your partner, with the view<br />
of understanding one another,<br />
rather than apportioning<br />
blame, can actually deepen the<br />
relationship, even if it feels risky<br />
at first. Secondly, honouring our<br />
feelings enough to articulate them<br />
to another is empowering and<br />
reminds us that we matter, too.”<br />
...but how we communicate<br />
with each other can differ<br />
Relationship expert and<br />
counsellor, Dr Kalanit Ben-<br />
Ari explains that while<br />
communication is key, how we<br />
express ourselves (and our needs)<br />
can vary greatly.<br />
“When talking about emotional<br />
labour in a relationship, it’s<br />
important to note that women<br />
and men express and regulate<br />
their emotions differently. It’s not<br />
that one gender is better than the<br />
other, just that we communicate<br />
emotions in what can appear<br />
to be different languages, and<br />
52 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
in different areas of life. It is<br />
important for couples to learn<br />
about their partner’s ‘language’,<br />
and to communicate openly<br />
and honestly about their own<br />
experience. The goal is to move<br />
away from blaming and shaming,<br />
to collaboration, growth, and<br />
possibilities.”<br />
While we may think we are being<br />
open and frank with how we are<br />
feeling, sometimes our partners<br />
can miss the signs – as can we.<br />
“When one partner feels they<br />
hold the emotional labour, but do<br />
not communicate it in a way the<br />
other can really understand and<br />
share that responsibility, it can<br />
lead to resentment. Having this<br />
mindset not only disempowers<br />
them but also prevents change<br />
from happening.”<br />
Focus on what you want – not<br />
what you don’t<br />
The way in which we frame and<br />
share our feelings can have a<br />
Effective communication is the<br />
lifeblood of any relationship,<br />
and the antidote to the impact<br />
of emotional labour<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 53
What is emotional labour?<br />
In essence, emotional labour refers to<br />
having to keep up a happy outward<br />
facade, take on additional tasks (such as<br />
housework and general life admin), or<br />
take on an ‘organisational’ role at home,<br />
which can often be seen as ‘nagging’<br />
huge impact on how our partners<br />
perceive – and react – to them. Dr<br />
Ben-Ari suggests that we should<br />
share our feelings from our own<br />
perspective, focusing on small<br />
steps and potential solutions we<br />
can work towards together, rather<br />
than looking to place the blame.<br />
“For example, rather than saying,<br />
‘I’m exhausted, you never care, I<br />
need to take care of everything…’<br />
say ‘I’m exhausted. I feel a lot is<br />
going on for me. I would really<br />
appreciate it if we can have one<br />
dinner this week without the kids<br />
to share and plan the next week.’<br />
“Couples are much more aware<br />
of what they don’t want, but<br />
have little idea about what they<br />
do want. When we put the focus<br />
on what we are ‘not getting’ this<br />
is what’s going to grow. Instead,<br />
look at your partner through the<br />
eyes of love. Appreciate what they<br />
already do, ask for specific and<br />
instructed support, and this is<br />
what’s going to grow.”<br />
Share the load<br />
Resentment and discontent can<br />
build not only when we feel like<br />
we are taking on more than our<br />
fair share, but also when one<br />
partner feels like they need to<br />
be ‘in charge’ of splitting the<br />
workload.<br />
It can be easy for one partner to<br />
fall into a more ‘organisational’<br />
role, where they feel like they<br />
have to be responsible for tracking<br />
every little thing from birthdays<br />
and bills, to chores. Yet we may<br />
not realise that our partners, too,<br />
may be feeling there are areas they<br />
are shouldering the load.<br />
For example, I found myself<br />
growing frustrated that my<br />
partner expected me to have a<br />
list of chores ready for him<br />
each weekend; couldn’t he<br />
just as easily figure out what<br />
needed doing? It wasn’t until we<br />
talked about it, that we realised<br />
by having this list, it helped<br />
him to feel less overwhelmed<br />
and distracted with the sheer<br />
number of ‘little things’ that<br />
regularly add up.<br />
Identify what works for you<br />
Splitting everything 50/50 may<br />
sound like the ideal way to go,<br />
but finding the best way to<br />
balance the load can vary greatly,<br />
depending on your relationship<br />
and needs. By focusing instead<br />
on talking and working together<br />
to find compromises, you can<br />
both be happy with, you can<br />
ensure that you each feel happier<br />
with your responsibilities. We<br />
each have our own strengths and<br />
54 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
Couples are much more<br />
aware of what they don’t<br />
want, but have little idea<br />
about what they do want<br />
weaknesses; it’s OK to keep<br />
these in mind and to work<br />
with, not around, these needs.<br />
Consider speaking<br />
with an expert<br />
If you’re worried that the<br />
communication in your<br />
relationship may have<br />
broken down, speaking with<br />
a relationship therapist or<br />
couples counsellor could help.<br />
While a counsellor will not ‘give<br />
you the answer’, they can help to<br />
create a safe space where you can<br />
talk openly and confidentially,<br />
without worrying that they will<br />
‘take sides’.<br />
When you have been with<br />
someone for a long time, it can<br />
be easy for communication to<br />
break down without realising<br />
it. Speaking with an objective,<br />
unconnected third party can<br />
help you to gain new insight and<br />
perspective into issues that may be<br />
clear or more covert.<br />
To find out more about relationship<br />
counselling and emotional labour,<br />
download the <strong>Happiful</strong> app, or visit<br />
relate.org.uk for relationship help<br />
and advice.<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 55
“<br />
Dreaming, after all, is<br />
a form of planning<br />
– GLORIA STEINEM<br />
Photography | Ian Dooley
TRUE LIFE<br />
Finally free<br />
to be me<br />
The impact of Naphtaly’s polycystic ovary syndrome<br />
isn’t just physical, but mental too. She struggled with<br />
depression and loving herself for years, but has finally<br />
found a way to nourish herself, and find peace<br />
Writing | Naphtaly Maria Zimmerman<br />
Suffering with<br />
your mental<br />
health is not easy.<br />
And I should<br />
know, having struggled<br />
with my mental health<br />
for more than a decade.<br />
During adolescence, I<br />
experienced anxiety and<br />
stress due to my polycystic<br />
ovary syndrome (PCOS).<br />
By the age of 16, this<br />
developed into low moods,<br />
causing anxiety and selfhatred.<br />
At 17, I moved to<br />
London to study, but had<br />
no social connections<br />
there at that point. My<br />
depression became worse,<br />
causing me to feel like my<br />
energy and motivation<br />
were drained. But none<br />
of this compared to the<br />
feeling that I had lost<br />
myself and my identity.<br />
During my bachelor’s<br />
degree at university in<br />
2014, it became harder<br />
and harder. I felt caged<br />
inside my own mind,<br />
dying to be free. I had<br />
a rage inside of me, all<br />
I was doing was taking<br />
medications for my PCOS,<br />
and whatever the doctor<br />
had prescribed did not<br />
work for me at all.<br />
It was hard to focus on<br />
my studies – in class I felt<br />
numb, and even lonelier.<br />
I didn’t know how to<br />
manage my anger and<br />
depression. Carbs, alcohol,<br />
and sugary sweets made<br />
it easier to survive those<br />
stressful days, but only<br />
for a short period of time.<br />
I started talking really<br />
negatively towards myself.<br />
Can you imagine spending<br />
24 hours a day inside your<br />
head, with only negative<br />
thoughts for company? I<br />
couldn’t find equilibrium.<br />
When I turned 19, I<br />
started partying a lot,<br />
which was hard as I was<br />
working full-time while<br />
going to university.<br />
The amount of pain<br />
I had from the PCOS<br />
was increasing with an<br />
imbalanced menstrual<br />
cycle, and I was putting<br />
on a lot of weight, even<br />
when eating healthy and<br />
exercising. I was going six<br />
to eight months, or even<br />
a year, without having<br />
a period, then having<br />
them last from four to six<br />
months long. Not only<br />
was my mental health<br />
affected, but also my<br />
physical health.<br />
During those times, it<br />
was hard to accept who I<br />
was seeing in the mirror.<br />
I had spots on my face<br />
and I began wearing loads<br />
of makeup to hide the<br />
person underneath it,<br />
which didn’t help. There<br />
were days where I locked<br />
myself inside my room<br />
without seeing daylight,<br />
without seeing or talking<br />
to anybody. The worst part<br />
was that I was ashamed to<br />
tell my parents, friends,<br />
or partner how I felt,<br />
because I didn’t want them<br />
to feel sorry for me. When<br />
I began explaining to a<br />
few friends and colleagues<br />
about the way I felt, it<br />
was always one answer,<br />
which was “It’s only in<br />
your head” or “You’ll get<br />
over it.”<br />
At the age of 22, I was<br />
feeling rejected, sad,<br />
unmotivated, and things<br />
weren’t going well in<br />
everything from my<br />
personal life to my career.<br />
I hated feeling like there<br />
was no spark in my soul. >>><br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 57
I felt caged inside<br />
my own mind,<br />
dying to be free<br />
I wanted to only spend<br />
time with myself; all I<br />
wanted was to be in my<br />
own sad little world.<br />
But I had – and still have<br />
– my amazing supportive<br />
partner who was always<br />
there to help me through<br />
this process.<br />
In 2017, during my final<br />
year at university, I was<br />
feeling exhausted and<br />
drained, but I didn’t want<br />
to feel that way anymore.<br />
I went to the doctor to<br />
get help with my PCOS.<br />
I looked myself in the<br />
mirror, and asked myself:<br />
is this how I want to feel?<br />
My answer was no, I<br />
wanted help, I wanted to<br />
be myself and happy.<br />
I’ve tried numerous<br />
things to combat my<br />
depression – I changed<br />
jobs, went on frequent<br />
holidays, exercised, ate<br />
healthily, spent time off<br />
social media, had herbal<br />
teas. The list goes on, and<br />
it was tiring. But nothing<br />
seemed to work.<br />
In 2017, I had an idea:<br />
why not create something<br />
for relaxation without<br />
breaking the bank? I<br />
wanted to provide and<br />
practise self-care within<br />
the comfort of my home,<br />
so I started to investigate<br />
what was needed. I<br />
thought home fragrances<br />
and skincare would be<br />
a great way to start, and<br />
launched NaphtalyWorld<br />
in summer 2017. This was<br />
the start of me being able<br />
to accept my depression,<br />
and start on the road of<br />
recovery. I used to see<br />
my mental illness as an<br />
affliction. But now it’s a<br />
part of who I am, and I’m<br />
comfortable discussing it<br />
openly now.<br />
I realised that I had<br />
to learn to forgive<br />
myself, and show more<br />
compassion towards<br />
myself. Now, I keep a<br />
gratitude journal and write<br />
positive things in it every<br />
day. I have a healthy diet,<br />
exercise more often, and<br />
58 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
Find out more about Naphtaly<br />
at naphtalyworld.com<br />
I don’t beat myself<br />
up for having a<br />
bad mental health<br />
moment, or day, or<br />
week anymore<br />
travel when I can. I also<br />
have positive affirmations<br />
posted all over my house,<br />
and I make sure to practise<br />
mindfulness daily.<br />
I am now better at<br />
looking after myself, and<br />
do more for me. I go on<br />
solo-dates to restaurants,<br />
the opera, movies,<br />
holidays, and generally<br />
make myself a priority.<br />
I don’t beat myself up<br />
for having a bad mental<br />
health moment, or day, or<br />
week anymore.<br />
My business has been<br />
a game-changer for me,<br />
not only because I’m<br />
doing something I love,<br />
but because I can share<br />
my story with others<br />
who are also living with<br />
depression and PCOS, or<br />
are looking for a new way<br />
of improving their health<br />
and wellbeing.<br />
Now, for the first time<br />
in my life, I am more<br />
than happy and feel at<br />
peace with myself. I am a<br />
health and wellness coach,<br />
dedicated to helping<br />
others and myself. I run an<br />
award-winning skincare<br />
and home fragrance<br />
business, and I am writing<br />
a wellness cookbook to be<br />
published this year. I hold<br />
wellness events, do public<br />
speaking, and much more.<br />
My journey has taught<br />
me the importance of<br />
health and wellbeing for<br />
creating a balance of good<br />
nutrition, good health,<br />
and happiness in one’s<br />
life. I hope my words<br />
give you the strength and<br />
knowledge you need to<br />
act as your own advocate,<br />
and the power to create<br />
change in your life –<br />
starting from today. Many<br />
women learn to manage<br />
PCOS naturally. For me,<br />
I have learned not to let<br />
this affect me mentally<br />
anymore – everyone is<br />
different, and trust me,<br />
you are not alone.<br />
Please know that there<br />
is no quick fix or magic<br />
potion to cure depression<br />
or PCOS, along with<br />
many other mental health<br />
conditions, but there is<br />
still so much hope for<br />
those affected. Help is all<br />
around you – yes, it often<br />
does take a lot of hard<br />
work and courage, but you<br />
will get there.<br />
OUR EXPERT SAYS<br />
Naphtaly’s story is one<br />
of inspiration. Gradually<br />
people are recognising just<br />
how many of us struggle<br />
with mental health. It’s also<br />
not unusual for our physical<br />
health to impact upon it too.<br />
What’s fantastic is Naphtaly<br />
found a way through her<br />
darkest days – what’s more is<br />
she’s willing to share it.<br />
The more we feel able to<br />
open up to others, the lighter<br />
the burden becomes. It also<br />
enables us to find a new path<br />
through our struggles – for<br />
Naphtaly that was through<br />
her business.<br />
There’s always<br />
a way through<br />
– it begins with<br />
sharing your<br />
story!<br />
Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr<br />
Life coach<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 59
How to de-stress<br />
in five simple steps<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
Sometimes stress builds up, and you feel totally overwhelmed. When<br />
this happens, you need tools that work in the moment to<br />
help you feel relaxed and in control<br />
60 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
W<br />
e all know that<br />
too much stress<br />
isn’t good for<br />
us. As well as<br />
damaging our<br />
mental and physical health, it can<br />
cause problems at work and in<br />
our relationships.<br />
But taking action can be easier<br />
said than done. Making time<br />
for self-care, reaching out for<br />
support, and getting enough<br />
sleep, are all fantastic for keeping<br />
us calm, but let’s be realistic,<br />
sometimes circumstances don’t<br />
allow for this.<br />
There are times in our lives<br />
when things build up, and the<br />
feeling of being overwhelmed hits<br />
you like a brick wall. When this<br />
happens, getting up from your<br />
desk at work to go to a yoga class,<br />
or saying “Sorry kids, I need some<br />
me-time, make your own dinner”<br />
isn’t always possible.<br />
This is why having some tools<br />
to lower stress is so important.<br />
The following steps can help you<br />
do just that.<br />
1 SAY ‘STOP’<br />
Often when we’re stressed,<br />
our thinking becomes too fast<br />
and we spiral into panic. The<br />
trick to getting out of this is<br />
self-awareness. As soon as you<br />
recognise what’s happening, say<br />
the word ‘stop’, ideally out-loud –<br />
but in your head is fine, too.<br />
The ‘stop’ technique (or thoughtstopping)<br />
is often used in cognitive<br />
behavioural therapy (CBT) to help<br />
prevent obsessive or worrying<br />
thoughts from taking over. By<br />
recognising what’s happening,<br />
you have the opportunity to<br />
change your way of thinking.<br />
2 FOCUS ON YOUR BREATHING<br />
A good step to take after using the<br />
stop technique is to deepen your<br />
breathing. When we’re stressed,<br />
we take more shallow breaths, and<br />
this can lead to physical anxiety<br />
symptoms such as dizziness and<br />
chest pain.<br />
To counter this, try to breathe<br />
from your belly and exhale a little<br />
longer than you inhale. The 4-7-<br />
8 breathing technique is great at<br />
reducing anxiety and stress – simply<br />
breathe in for four seconds, hold for<br />
seven, and breathe out for eight.<br />
3 VISUALISE YOURSELF<br />
SOMEWHERE LOVELY<br />
This may sound incredibly simple,<br />
but a little visualisation can go a<br />
long way. Imagine yourself in a calm<br />
setting, somewhere quiet, and really<br />
allow yourself to be there. Maybe<br />
you’re on a beach, in your childhood<br />
home, or a tranquil garden. Find<br />
a place you feel safe. Remember a<br />
time you felt calm, confident and in<br />
control. Recall how you felt, and let<br />
your body respond.<br />
4 USE THE WOOP TECHNIQUE<br />
Developed by psychotherapist<br />
Gabriele Oettingen, the WOOP<br />
technique can be a powerful way<br />
to move past mental blocks. Take<br />
a few minutes to think about the<br />
following:<br />
Wish – what is your wish or hope<br />
right now?<br />
Outcome – what is the ideal<br />
outcome?<br />
Obstacle – what might be getting in<br />
your way?<br />
Plan – what is one action you can<br />
take? Make the following plan: “If<br />
[obstacle], then I will [action or<br />
thought].”<br />
Imagine yourself<br />
in a calm setting,<br />
somewhere<br />
quiet, and really<br />
allow yourself to<br />
be there<br />
5 LISTEN TO YOUR<br />
FAVOURITE MUSIC<br />
Classical music has been shown<br />
to slow heart rate, lower blood<br />
pressure, and reduce stress<br />
hormones. But if classical isn’t your<br />
thing, any music you love will give<br />
your mood a lift. Find something<br />
that reminds you of a happy<br />
memory and, if you can, have a<br />
five-minute dance party!<br />
Use these techniques when<br />
things get busy, but try not to rely<br />
on them solely for reducing your<br />
stress. There are times when stress<br />
is unavoidable, but it’s important to<br />
recognise when it’s taking over and<br />
becoming a daily feature.<br />
If you’re finding stress is<br />
affecting your health, you need<br />
to think long-term. It’s always<br />
worth speaking to your GP, but<br />
you may also want to try talking<br />
therapies such as CBT to help<br />
you understand the link between<br />
thoughts and behaviours, or<br />
hypnotherapy which can help you<br />
change your response to stress.<br />
Stress affects us in many ways but<br />
there are also a variety of methods<br />
to tackle it, so don’t worry – the<br />
right help is out there for you.<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 61
Bellissimo!<br />
Pasta recipes to make you weak at the knees<br />
Writing | Ellen Hoggard<br />
Sometimes, nothing<br />
beats a warming bowl<br />
of pasta. It’s cheap and<br />
cheerful, and you don’t<br />
need to be a Michelinstarred<br />
chef to whip up something<br />
mouth-watering. By dabbling in<br />
the world of seasonal vegetables,<br />
and mixing up your sauces, you<br />
can make a pasta recipe go a long<br />
way – cooking in bulk to feed<br />
you for a whole week, while also<br />
providing you with more than<br />
your five-a-day.<br />
Nowadays, it’s a lot easier to<br />
accomodate for allergies, too. With<br />
pasta varieties in abundance, and<br />
many alternative dairy products<br />
now available, there’s nothing<br />
stopping us all from getting out the<br />
big pot and whipping up a bowl of<br />
delicious, but nutritious goodness.<br />
Vegetarian Bolognese<br />
Serves 4<br />
Ingredients<br />
1 onion<br />
1 large carrot<br />
1 courgette<br />
1 red pepper<br />
200g mushrooms<br />
2 tbsp olive oil<br />
1 tsp garlic<br />
1 tsp dried mixed herbs<br />
2 tbsp tomato paste<br />
1 tbsp vegetable stock concentrate<br />
400g can chopped tomatoes<br />
400g spaghetti<br />
40g parmesan, grated<br />
Method<br />
• Slice the onion. In a pan, heat<br />
the oil and cook the onion until<br />
soft. Chop the carrot, courgette,<br />
pepper and mushrooms into<br />
small chunks and add to the pan.<br />
Sauté for 5 minutes.<br />
• Add the garlic, dried herbs and<br />
mix. Add the tomato paste,<br />
vegetable stock and chopped<br />
tomatoes. Bring to boil, then<br />
simmer for 20 minutes.<br />
• In a large pan of boiling water,<br />
add the spaghetti and boil for<br />
10–12 mins.<br />
• Drain the spaghetti and divide<br />
into 4 bowls. Add the vegetable<br />
bolognese with a sprinkling of<br />
cheese. Serve hot with an optional<br />
side salad.<br />
Grilled Asparagus<br />
& Pesto Spaghetti<br />
Serves 4<br />
Ingredients<br />
25g basil<br />
25g flat leaf parsley<br />
1 tsp garlic<br />
100g green olives<br />
2 tbsp pine nuts, toasted<br />
40g parmesan, grated<br />
2 tbsp olive oil, plus extra<br />
for brushing<br />
230g asparagus, trimmed<br />
and halved<br />
300g wholewheat spaghetti<br />
Salt and pepper<br />
Method<br />
• In a food processor, add the<br />
herbs, olives, pine nuts and<br />
parmesan. Combine until coarse.<br />
Add a glug of oil and combine<br />
until a smooth, green pesto.<br />
Set aside.<br />
• Preheat a griddle pan, or the grill.<br />
Brush the asparagus with a little<br />
oil and cook for 10–12 minutes,<br />
turning regularly until tender.<br />
• Meanwhile, cook the spaghetti in<br />
a large pan of boiling water for<br />
10–12 minutes.<br />
• Drain the spaghetti and return<br />
to the pan. Add the pesto and<br />
asparagus and stir. Serve in<br />
bowls with an extra sprinkling<br />
of parmesan and black pepper.<br />
Enjoy.
OUR EXPERT SAYS…<br />
Vegetarian Bolognese<br />
This is a great recipe to batch<br />
cook and store in the freezer for<br />
busy evenings. The large variety<br />
of vegetables offers a myriad of<br />
good bacteria, promoting healthy<br />
bacterial diversity in the gut.<br />
The carrots and red peppers<br />
are loaded with vitamin C and A,<br />
benefitting the immune system<br />
and skin. These well-cooked<br />
vegetables will be easy to digest,<br />
while rich in fibre, which should<br />
help stable blood sugar levels.<br />
I would suggest opting for<br />
fresh vegetable stock instead of<br />
concentrate, to benefit from the<br />
added antioxidants, and enhance<br />
the nutrition-density of this recipe.<br />
Grilled Asparagus<br />
& Pesto Spaghetti<br />
I love the use of fresh basil and<br />
parsley. Not only do they add<br />
flavour, but they also offer a<br />
myriad of nutritional qualities!<br />
Parsley is well-known for<br />
promoting bowel motility and<br />
decreasing bloating, while basil is<br />
highly regarded for its immuneenhancing<br />
properties.<br />
The basil and pine nuts make a<br />
feisty immune-boosting combo,<br />
while the nuts also offer a dose<br />
of healthy fats for satiety, and<br />
minerals, such as magnesium (for<br />
sleep), zinc (for skin), and iron (for<br />
healthy red blood cells).<br />
You could swap asparagus for a<br />
more seasonal vegetable, such as<br />
purple sprouting broccoli.<br />
Find a nutritionist near you at nutritionist-resource.org.uk<br />
Josephine (Beanie) Robinson<br />
is a nutritional therapist,<br />
yoga and meditation teacher,<br />
and co-founder of The Health<br />
Space. Find out more at<br />
thehealth-space.com
10 nutrition<br />
myths debunked<br />
We all want to live healthier lives, but with so much nutritional information online<br />
and on social media, how can we separate the facts from the fiction?<br />
Jenna Farmer chats to the experts to debunk the myths around<br />
healthy eating, and shares their top tips for a healthier you<br />
The myth: Going gluten-free<br />
will improve your gut health<br />
The myth: Carbohydrates cause you to gain weight<br />
The reality: Unless you have an<br />
allergy or intolerance, a glutenfree<br />
diet really is no healthier<br />
than one with gluten in it. “For the<br />
majority of people, going glutenfree<br />
is not going to improve gut<br />
health. However for the 1% of<br />
the population who have coeliac<br />
disease it is of course essential,”<br />
explains Dr Sammie Gill, a<br />
dietitian who specialises in gut<br />
health. If you suspect gluten is<br />
a problem for you, ask your GP<br />
to test you for coeliac disease,<br />
but don’t cut out any food group<br />
without medical advice.<br />
But what about those food<br />
intolerance tests we see on social<br />
media? Registered nutritionist Dr<br />
Laura Wyness urges her clients<br />
to be wary. “Many allergy tests<br />
have no scientific basis, and can<br />
be harmful when multiple foods<br />
are excluded without reason – not<br />
to mention a waste of money!”<br />
Laura advises any testing should<br />
always be done under medical<br />
supervision with the support of a<br />
dietitian.<br />
The reality: We’ve all heard the<br />
mantra ‘no carbs before Marbs’,<br />
but is it true that tucking into<br />
carbohydrates can cause weight<br />
gain? Absolutely not. The NHS<br />
advises that there’s very little<br />
evidence that ditching carbs can<br />
help with weight loss, and that<br />
tucking into healthier whole grain<br />
carbohydrates, like brown pasta<br />
and rye bread, actually offers a<br />
whole host of benefits.<br />
64 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
The myth: Eat five pieces of fruit<br />
and veg a day to stay healthy<br />
The reality: Five-a-day is<br />
certainly a good target to aim<br />
for, but it’s not quite as simple<br />
as that. “Some research suggests<br />
seven, or even 10 per day, is<br />
actually optimal,” explains<br />
nutritionist Anna Mapson. But<br />
however much fruit and veg you<br />
manage to consume, don’t go<br />
reaching for the same produce<br />
time and time again. “Smoothies<br />
can help with upping your<br />
intake, but they reduce the<br />
amount of fibre, so you<br />
shouldn’t have more than one a<br />
day. Instead, aim for variety to<br />
keep your gut microbes happy,”<br />
Anna adds.<br />
The myth: It’s difficult to get<br />
enough protein on a vegan diet<br />
The myth: We all need to up our fibre intake<br />
The reality: There’s no denying<br />
that fibre is vital for a healthy gut,<br />
but it’s not as simple as reaching<br />
for the Bran Flakes. “Different<br />
fibres behave in different ways<br />
when they reach the gut, so<br />
variety through different sources<br />
(such as wholegrains, fruit, veg,<br />
nuts, seeds, and legumes) is<br />
key,” advises Dr Sammie Gill.<br />
“In some circumstances you can<br />
have too much of a good thing.<br />
For example, with irritable bowel<br />
syndrome (IBS), certain types of<br />
fibre can aggravate symptoms,<br />
and increasing fibre too quickly<br />
may actually worsen symptoms<br />
temporarily.” Therefore, if your<br />
gut is sensitive, quickly upping<br />
your fibre isn’t the answer. It’s<br />
worth keeping a food diary, paying<br />
attention to the types of fibre<br />
you consume, and increasing<br />
it gradually to avoid digestive<br />
discomfort. Those with medical<br />
conditions, such as inflammatory<br />
bowel disease and diverticulitis,<br />
are sometimes advised to follow<br />
a low fibre diet to help with<br />
symptoms.<br />
The reality: This one has an<br />
element of truth in it. Make<br />
the switch without doing any<br />
research and you could find it<br />
tricky. However, with a little<br />
forward thinking, it’s perfectly<br />
possible to tuck into plenty of<br />
protein-rich meals on a vegan<br />
diet. “Vegan protein intake<br />
requires careful planning, but<br />
can be achieved,” explains<br />
Anna Mapson. “Ensure you’re<br />
eating protein at every meal.<br />
Plant-rich sources include<br />
tofu, beans, pulses, and nuts.<br />
Most people underestimate<br />
how much protein is actually<br />
plant-based – one cup of beans<br />
is around 8–9g of the 50g of<br />
protein you need a day.” Beans<br />
on toast for dinner it is then... >>><br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 65
The myth: Switch to<br />
sugar-free alternatives<br />
to help with cravings<br />
The reality: Many sugar-free<br />
drinks and sweet treats rely on<br />
artificial sweeteners such as<br />
aspartame. A recent overview<br />
of studies found that these<br />
sugar substitutes actually offer<br />
no health benefits, and aren’t<br />
linked to weight loss.<br />
Find more<br />
nutritional<br />
info on the<br />
<strong>Happiful</strong> app<br />
Generally<br />
superfoods are<br />
expensive, but<br />
common vegetables<br />
like carrots, cabbages<br />
or blackberries, are<br />
packed with just as<br />
many nutrients<br />
The myth: You need to<br />
splash out on superfoods<br />
to be healthy<br />
The reality: Hands up if you’ve<br />
dashed out to buy the latest<br />
superfoods – such as kale<br />
and pomegranate – without<br />
really understanding the<br />
hype. There’s nothing wrong<br />
with these products, but<br />
you’ll often find the health<br />
benefits elsewhere – at a much<br />
cheaper price. “Superfood is<br />
a marketing term,” explains<br />
nutritionist Anna Mapson.<br />
“Generally superfoods are<br />
expensive, but common<br />
vegetables like carrots,<br />
cabbages or blackberries,<br />
are packed with just as many<br />
nutrients.” Save your cash and<br />
spend it on a rainbow of fruit<br />
and veg instead.<br />
66 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
The myth: Not eating after<br />
7pm helps you to lose weight<br />
The reality: What time you<br />
tuck into that cheeseburger<br />
and fries really makes no<br />
difference to how many<br />
calories are in it. You might<br />
find it more comfortable to eat<br />
a heavier meal at lunchtime<br />
(and find this helps with things<br />
like bloating and heartburn),<br />
but that’s about it!<br />
The myth: Alkaline diets<br />
prevent the body from<br />
becoming too acidic<br />
The reality: Alkaline diets have<br />
been on the scene for years<br />
now, but do they actually have<br />
any truth in them? Dr Laura<br />
Wyness says no. “It stems from<br />
the idea our blood PH can<br />
change according to our diet,<br />
but if food changed our blood<br />
PH we’d be in a lot of trouble!<br />
Our body constantly regulates<br />
the PH of our blood to ensure<br />
it stays within a PH of 7.35 to<br />
7.45 to prevent us from dying.<br />
Alkaline foods include lots of<br />
fruit and vegetables, so in lots<br />
of ways it can be healthy, but<br />
not because of the impact on<br />
our body’s PH level!”<br />
The myth: Everybody should<br />
detox on a regular basis<br />
The reality: It’s often been<br />
said that a regular detox<br />
(whether that’s through a juice<br />
cleanse, fasting, or cutting<br />
out food groups from your<br />
diet) is necessary for optimal<br />
health, but the truth is that<br />
your body already does this<br />
on a daily basis. Our bodies<br />
detox in a number of ways – in<br />
fact yours is probably doing<br />
so right now! Essentially, our<br />
bodily systems can flush out<br />
‘toxins’ every time you take<br />
a deep breath, go to the loo,<br />
sweat, or even get your period.<br />
And the good news is that it’s<br />
perfectly capable of doing it<br />
without our help. While you<br />
don’t need to embark on detox<br />
cleanses, ditching habits, like<br />
excessive alcohol consumption<br />
and smoking, does make it that<br />
little bit easier for your body to<br />
do its job!<br />
What time<br />
you tuck into that<br />
cheeseburger and<br />
fries really makes<br />
no difference to<br />
how many calories<br />
are in it<br />
Jenna Farmer is a freelance<br />
journalist who specialises in writing<br />
about gut health. She has Crohn’s<br />
disease and blogs about her<br />
journey to improve gut health at<br />
abalancedbelly.co.uk<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 67
Book<br />
Review<br />
Gloves Off<br />
Raw. Relatable. Re-readable. Unforgettable.<br />
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford<br />
When it<br />
comes<br />
to books<br />
for teens,<br />
the topic<br />
of bullying isn’t exactly<br />
new. It’s something<br />
that, by the time we<br />
reach adulthood and<br />
are finally able to<br />
start making our own<br />
decisions, we will<br />
have encountered in<br />
some form or another.<br />
And yet, somehow,<br />
Louisa Reid’s young<br />
adult novel, Gloves Off,<br />
manages to encapsulate<br />
the whole, horrid<br />
experience in what<br />
feels like a unique and<br />
visceral way.<br />
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?<br />
Written in poetic verse,<br />
Lily, a teen in secondary<br />
school, shares her<br />
experience of being<br />
mercilessly, physically<br />
and emotionally bullied.<br />
When a particularly<br />
bad incident forces<br />
Lily to open up about<br />
her experiences, she is<br />
introduced to boxing<br />
as a way to confront<br />
her fears, stand up for<br />
herself, and own her<br />
own space.<br />
Split between Lily’s<br />
perspective and her<br />
mother, Bernadette’s,<br />
thoughts and feelings,<br />
it’s easy to become<br />
swept away with<br />
Lily’s journey from<br />
victimhood to learning<br />
to take charge of her<br />
life, and discovering her<br />
voice. An emotionally<br />
taxing read, Lily’s<br />
journey feels as<br />
refreshingly authentic<br />
as it is frustrating.<br />
ADULT INFLUENCES<br />
From our personal<br />
expectations to our<br />
world view, the adults<br />
around us shape us<br />
more than we might<br />
realise. Throughout<br />
Gloves Off, we see how<br />
Lily’s life, experiences,<br />
and expectations, have<br />
been affected by those<br />
around her. From her<br />
distinctly working-class<br />
background and the<br />
unsafe estate in which<br />
she lives, we see how<br />
the pressure to succeed<br />
can be as stifling as<br />
it can be a source of<br />
strength.<br />
While Lily’s<br />
relationships with her<br />
mother, who shares<br />
many of the same<br />
weight and confidence<br />
struggles, and her<br />
father – a supportive<br />
and loving, if albeit at<br />
times absent, figure –<br />
create a complex, often<br />
thought-provoking<br />
backdrop, it is Lily’s<br />
school life that is one<br />
of the most frustrating<br />
aspects of her story.<br />
Highlighting the<br />
failings of over-worked,<br />
under-experienced<br />
young teachers, it<br />
feels like Lily is being<br />
failed by a system<br />
that should be there<br />
to make everyone feel<br />
safe and included.<br />
While Lily seems able<br />
to brush off the failings<br />
of her teachers, as a<br />
reader, I was left feeling<br />
frustrated and angry<br />
on her behalf. And this,<br />
in many ways, is how<br />
the author succeeds<br />
in creating such a<br />
believable, and heart-<br />
68 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
wrenching story; we see<br />
genuine human failings,<br />
rather than easily<br />
dismissable villains or<br />
malicious intentions<br />
from those around her.<br />
SHOULD I BUY IT?<br />
Yes. If, like me, you’re<br />
unfamiliar with fiction<br />
written in poetic verse,<br />
it can take a little<br />
while to get used to<br />
the format, however<br />
it’s easy to become<br />
lost in the rhythm and<br />
authenticity of Lily and<br />
Bernadette’s voices. The<br />
stylistic choices help<br />
readers to feel more<br />
connected with Lily<br />
in particular, and her<br />
thoughts and feelings<br />
as you experience each<br />
twist and turn along<br />
with her.<br />
For teen and young<br />
adult readers, getting<br />
a glimpse into Lily’s<br />
mother’s perspective<br />
offers a truly unique<br />
take. Highlighting<br />
the delicate balance<br />
between how parents<br />
can teach and guide<br />
us, and how they risk<br />
passing on their own<br />
insecurities and fears<br />
to their children, it<br />
feels like both parents<br />
and teens alike can<br />
each get something<br />
different, yet equally<br />
as valuable, from<br />
reading Gloves Off.<br />
Offering a stark<br />
reminder of how<br />
cruel teens can be,<br />
Gloves Off is not only<br />
a must-read for teens<br />
who have experienced<br />
bullying themselves,<br />
If you liked this, you’ll love...<br />
but is an important<br />
narrative for all of us.<br />
Intrinsically, we want<br />
to fit in – we want<br />
to be liked. Gloves<br />
Off reminds us that<br />
using cruel words – or<br />
turning away when<br />
we see behaviour that<br />
we know isn’t right –<br />
can have a significant<br />
impact, perhaps just<br />
as much as that of<br />
those who are actively,<br />
overtly bullying<br />
others.<br />
Touching on so many<br />
important subjects,<br />
from self-loathing<br />
to suicidal thoughts,<br />
friendship to social<br />
isolation, fat-shaming<br />
to building selfesteem,<br />
Gloves Off is<br />
simply a must-read, no<br />
matter your age.<br />
Must<br />
Reads<br />
To find out more<br />
about spotting the<br />
signs of bullying,<br />
and advice for<br />
teachers, parents<br />
and employers,<br />
visit counsellingdirectory.org.uk<br />
Gloves Off<br />
by Louisa Reid<br />
Paperback available<br />
from 5 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong><br />
(Guppy Books, £7.99)<br />
Great for…<br />
No Big Deal<br />
by Bethany Rutter<br />
What If<br />
by Anna Russell<br />
Being Miss<br />
Nobody by<br />
Tasmin Winter<br />
• Teens looking to see<br />
the wider impact of<br />
bullying<br />
• Parents with teens<br />
Emily knows she’s smart,<br />
funny, awesome – and fat. She<br />
doesn’t need anyone else to<br />
tell her these things; she likes<br />
herself and her body – it’s time<br />
everyone else caught up.<br />
Written in poetic verse,<br />
Russell’s latest novel<br />
explores mental health,<br />
OCD, and the impact our<br />
struggles can have on<br />
friends and family.<br />
Rosalind hates her new school,<br />
and is an easy target. Creating<br />
a new blog, Miss Nobody,<br />
Rosalind finds a place to speak<br />
up. But has Miss Nobody<br />
become a bully herself?<br />
• Anyone who has<br />
struggled with<br />
their weight, selfconfidence,<br />
or<br />
bullying<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 69
Acupuncture<br />
Getting to the point<br />
It’s thought to have been around for more than 5,000 years, and today it’s used<br />
alongside standard treatments as an alternative therapy that promises to be the<br />
solution to a number of complaints, from chronic pain to mood control. So what<br />
can you expect from an acupuncture appointment? <strong>Happiful</strong>’s Kathryn Wheeler<br />
took to the treatment chair to find out<br />
Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
For me, acupuncture<br />
is the Big Foot of<br />
alternative therapies.<br />
Everyone knows<br />
someone who<br />
knows someone who’s tried it,<br />
and there are plenty of myths<br />
and unanswered questions that<br />
surround it. Does it hurt? How<br />
can having needles systematically<br />
tapped into your skin be relaxing?<br />
And, vitally, does it work?<br />
Acupuncture is used as a<br />
complementary therapy to soothe<br />
complaints about everything from<br />
muscle and body pain, to stress,<br />
anxiety and depression. Using<br />
very fine needles that are tucked<br />
under the skin at specific points<br />
on the body, the practice is based<br />
on traditional Chinese medicine<br />
which believes that life energy<br />
flows through us. It’s thought<br />
that this energy can get stuck<br />
or blocked, causing pain or low<br />
mood, but that it can be relieved by<br />
the needles, restoring our balance.<br />
While some modern practitioners<br />
embrace this traditional belief,<br />
many now work alongside Western<br />
medical practices, viewing it as a<br />
means of tapping into neurological<br />
systems, and a way to complement<br />
formal diagnoses and treatments.<br />
Eager to find out more, I headed<br />
to therapist Toni Hennings,<br />
at Crowthorne Health, to try<br />
acupuncture for myself.<br />
I’ll admit, before I arrived, I was<br />
feeling apprehensive. I don’t have<br />
a fear of needles, as such, though<br />
the thought of what was about<br />
to happen did make me a little<br />
nervous. But my fears were soon<br />
put to bed.<br />
To begin the session, we sat down<br />
to chat about my medical history.<br />
Of the 90-minute appointment,<br />
this took up the bulk of the time as<br />
Toni meticulously worked through<br />
everything from childhood<br />
illnesses, to my general lifestyle –<br />
reassuring me that no stone would<br />
be left unturned, and that the<br />
treatment would be tailored to my<br />
specific needs.<br />
I got undressed and lay face down<br />
on a massage table, as Toni began to<br />
gently press up and down my back,<br />
either side of my spine, feeling for<br />
where to insert the needles. She<br />
told me to take a deep breath in,<br />
Try this at home<br />
While it’s not a good idea to<br />
experiment with acupuncture<br />
on yourself, you can try pushing<br />
certain pressure points with<br />
your fingers to relieve stress and<br />
anxiety.<br />
Feeling worked up or<br />
overwhelmed? Run your finger<br />
down your pinkie and into your<br />
wrist crease, keeping it in line<br />
with your little finger. Pressing<br />
firmly on this point is thought<br />
to alleviate anxiety and help to<br />
regulate your emotions.<br />
and then on the out-breath, she<br />
tapped in the first needle.<br />
To say I didn’t feel anything would<br />
be a lie... I did feel the needle go in,<br />
and as she worked down my back,<br />
some areas were more sensitive<br />
than others. It was a small prick,<br />
like you may expect, but there was<br />
no pain once they were in place –<br />
and as she left me with the needles<br />
in my back for a few minutes, I<br />
soon forgot they were there, and<br />
began to feel calm and relaxed.<br />
After a short time, Toni removed<br />
the needles, and I slowly got up to<br />
70 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
sit back on the table. Moving on to<br />
target points specifically chosen<br />
to ease stress and anxiety, she put<br />
two needles in my knees and in<br />
my wrists. Now, honestly, these<br />
points tested my cringe-factor.<br />
It’s not every day that you spend<br />
a morning sitting with needles in<br />
your soft spots, but I closed my<br />
eyes and breathed through the<br />
taps, soon settling back into the<br />
calm place I was before.<br />
Following the session, we<br />
reflected on how the treatment<br />
went, discussing how acupuncture<br />
could be used long-term to manage<br />
mood – and touching on how, often,<br />
people who come for a physical<br />
problem will find the wellness<br />
benefits are just as powerful.<br />
For me, I left feeling energised<br />
and intrigued about the potential<br />
that acupuncture has to be an<br />
effective treatment across so many<br />
different areas. And that night I<br />
slept soundly straight through to<br />
my alarm, something Toni had<br />
predicted would happen.<br />
If you have any hang-ups about<br />
whether the treatment will be<br />
painful, let me put your mind<br />
at ease – you may feel a small<br />
prick, but make sure to breathe<br />
through the insertion and you will<br />
be fine. For those uncomfortable<br />
with needles, you probably don’t<br />
need me to say that this may<br />
not be the treatment for you.<br />
But with a relaxed mindset, and<br />
good communication with your<br />
therapist, acupuncture can be a<br />
great complementary therapy that<br />
gets straight to the point of your<br />
concerns.<br />
Visit crowthornehealth.co.uk<br />
to find out more, or head to<br />
therapy-directory.org.uk to<br />
discover therapists in your area.
72 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
Why is getting<br />
anxiety<br />
medication<br />
so anxiety<br />
inducing?<br />
When you live with<br />
anxiety, certain tasks can<br />
feel overwhelming – none<br />
more so than booking an<br />
appointment with your<br />
doctor for support<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls<br />
Standing in front of my<br />
wardrobe, looking at what<br />
clothes I should pack<br />
for a weekend away, I<br />
started to cry. My anxiety was at<br />
its worst; the simplest of tasks felt<br />
impossible.<br />
When you have anxiety, your<br />
thinking gets very fast and your<br />
brain works overtime. Your<br />
body reacts accordingly – cue<br />
symptoms like chest pain,<br />
nausea and dizziness – putting<br />
you in a constant state of fight or<br />
flight. This can leave very little<br />
headspace for decision-making<br />
and carrying out simple tasks.<br />
It’s no wonder that, for many of<br />
us living with anxiety, life admin<br />
often falls to the bottom of our<br />
to-do list. This can be even<br />
more pertinent when it comes<br />
to tasks involving our anxiety,<br />
such as booking a doctor’s<br />
appointment, or getting repeat<br />
prescriptions.<br />
Before we can get the help we need,<br />
we often need to overcome obstacles.<br />
Some of these are in our mind, and<br />
some are very much in the real<br />
world. But whatever obstacles you<br />
are facing, there are ways to leapfrog<br />
them, and get the support you need. >>><br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 73
THE OBSTACLE: TALKING<br />
TO A DOCTOR<br />
“With mental health conditions<br />
that aren’t always visible, like<br />
anxiety, people can worry that<br />
others – including their doctor –<br />
won’t believe them,” counsellor<br />
Sarah Lane explains. “Sometimes<br />
clients are socially anxious, and<br />
seeing an authority figure, such as<br />
their GP, might be challenging for<br />
them, as they fear being judged.”<br />
Sadly the fear of not being<br />
believed can, in some cases, come<br />
from experience. Jessica Pardoe<br />
tells me how she was affected<br />
when the first doctor she visited<br />
about panic attacks dismissed her.<br />
“It caused me to totally resent<br />
the idea of talking to a medical<br />
professional about the way I was<br />
feeling again for some time. Every<br />
time I went to the GP I considered<br />
bringing it up, but had that usual<br />
twang of anxiety that stopped me<br />
from doing so.”<br />
With encouragement from her<br />
boyfriend, Jessica was able to go<br />
to a different doctor and received<br />
the support and medication she<br />
needed. The experience does still<br />
come up in her mind, however,<br />
when she goes for check-ups.<br />
“I’d love it if initiatives could<br />
be introduced to help curb the<br />
anxiousness that doctor’s surgeries<br />
and pharmacies bring about.<br />
Perhaps less intimidating decor,<br />
or finding a new way to book in<br />
patients for appointments without<br />
them having to state what they're<br />
visiting for – which, if you live with<br />
anxiety, is awful.”<br />
HOW TO OVERCOME IT<br />
First of all, remember that you<br />
deserve to be heard. If you have<br />
a bad experience, or<br />
aren’t comfortable<br />
speaking to a certain<br />
doctor, you can<br />
request to talk to<br />
another. If you’re<br />
worried about leaving<br />
the house, or being at<br />
the doctor’s surgery<br />
itself, ask your doctor<br />
if they offer telephone<br />
assessments, or home<br />
visits. If they can’t,<br />
they may be able to<br />
recommend a quieter<br />
time for you to book an<br />
appointment.<br />
It can help to have<br />
someone attend your<br />
appointment with you<br />
for support, and some<br />
GP practices also allow<br />
other people to book<br />
appointments for you.<br />
If talking about your<br />
mental health worries<br />
you, Sarah encourages<br />
you to remember<br />
the facts: “Anxiety<br />
is very common;<br />
a high percentage<br />
of your doctor’s patients will<br />
also have anxiety, so they are<br />
likely to understand what you’re<br />
experiencing and how it might be<br />
affecting you.”<br />
THE OBSTACLE: GETTING<br />
APPOINTMENTS AND<br />
PRESCRIPTIONS<br />
According to GPonline, nearly<br />
three quarters of GPs in the UK<br />
reported a rise in appointments<br />
over the past year in their practice.<br />
With more appointments and<br />
not enough doctors to help,<br />
delays in getting appointments<br />
If you’re unhappy with the<br />
service you’re receiving, you<br />
can make a complaint. You<br />
can do this directly, following<br />
the surgery’s complaints<br />
procedure, which should be<br />
available on their website. If<br />
the problem isn’t resolved,<br />
you can complain to the NHS<br />
Commissioning Board, email:<br />
contactus@nhs.net or call<br />
0300 311 22 33.<br />
and medication are sometimes<br />
inevitable.<br />
“The biggest problem with<br />
getting medication for anxiety is<br />
actually booking to see a doctor,”<br />
Ben Taylor tells me.<br />
74 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
What matters is that you are<br />
able to access any healthcare<br />
treatment that you need<br />
“Both myself and my sister got<br />
knocked back because the nurses<br />
at our practice can’t talk about<br />
mental health issues. So you build<br />
yourself up to go, and end up<br />
leaving empty handed and told to<br />
book again with someone else...<br />
which you don’t.”<br />
In 2019, changes in legislation<br />
allowed advanced paramedics<br />
to prescribe medication, and<br />
Ben says this has made a real<br />
difference in his area. Having said<br />
this, it’s clear that availability and<br />
waiting times for appointments<br />
are ongoing issues.<br />
HOW TO OVERCOME IT<br />
The best approach here is to<br />
get familiar with your doctor’s<br />
surgery, and do your homework.<br />
Find out the best ways to book an<br />
appointment and ask about typical<br />
waiting times.<br />
Apps like Patient Access and<br />
MyGP may also be able to<br />
help. These allow you to book<br />
appointments, pharmacy services,<br />
and access medical content easily.<br />
Speak to your doctors about the<br />
booking services that they’re<br />
supported by.<br />
THE OBSTACLE: REMEMBERING<br />
TO ORDER REPEAT<br />
PRESCRIPTIONS<br />
When you first start taking a<br />
new medication, you’ll need<br />
to have regular appointments<br />
with your doctor to ensure it’s<br />
helping you. While this can feel<br />
stressful, we all react differently<br />
to medication and it’s important<br />
to be monitored initially. You may<br />
need adjustments to ensure what<br />
you’re taking is working as well as<br />
possible.<br />
For Dan Francis, getting past this<br />
point to a place where he could<br />
order repeat prescriptions made<br />
things easier. However, he found<br />
it tricky to remember to order<br />
medication before he ran out.<br />
“The main way to get medication<br />
when this happens is to contact the<br />
doctor’s practice and request an<br />
emergency prescription, but this<br />
can take up to five days to be ready.<br />
“For a few months I was<br />
limited to a two-week supply as<br />
I was forced to see a doctor for a<br />
check-up... even though the next<br />
appointment I could book was<br />
in a month’s time. This meant I<br />
had to keep putting in emergency<br />
prescriptions to the doctor’s<br />
practice just so I could have<br />
enough to keep me going.”<br />
HOW TO OVERCOME IT<br />
For Dan, help came in the form of<br />
technical assistance. He was able<br />
to use the Patient Access app to<br />
order repeat prescriptions to be<br />
delivered to his local pharmacy<br />
and used calendar reminders to<br />
prompt him.<br />
“Setting reminders in my<br />
calendar in advance so I<br />
knew when to order my next<br />
prescription really helped take<br />
the pressure off worrying about<br />
forgetting it.”<br />
There are several services<br />
available to help you order repeat<br />
prescriptions easily, including<br />
Healthera, Well, and Echo<br />
Pharmacy. Speak to your doctor<br />
and find out which services are<br />
available in your area.<br />
Finally, when it comes to both<br />
booking appointments and<br />
getting prescriptions, Sarah<br />
advises us to not put them off.<br />
“When we avoid things,<br />
although it makes us feel better<br />
in the short term, in the longer<br />
term it tends to increase our<br />
anxiety. Try to put aside worries<br />
about what other people – GPs,<br />
receptionists, pharmacists,<br />
assistants – think of you. What<br />
really matters is that you are<br />
able to access any healthcare<br />
treatment that you need.”<br />
Keeping up with appointments<br />
and taking any prescribed<br />
medication is, ultimately, a form<br />
of self-care. Try to see it in this<br />
way, and lean on the support of<br />
loved ones, and even apps, when<br />
you need to.<br />
Learn more about Sarah Lane’s<br />
work and find support for anxiety at<br />
counselling-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 75
PUKKA-UP<br />
Romance isn’t dead – it’s just not always<br />
as easy as it once was. We delve into<br />
the secrets to a long-lasting relationship<br />
with the digital parenting superstar duo,<br />
Mother and Papa Pukka, who reveal<br />
their top tips to rediscover your<br />
long-term love...<br />
Writing | Gemma Calvert<br />
When does the gloss<br />
dull on a shiny,<br />
happy marriage? For<br />
author, presenter<br />
and journalist Anna Whitehouse,<br />
it was precisely eight years and<br />
two children after saying “I do” –<br />
the moment she discovered one<br />
of her husband’s jagged toenail<br />
clippings in her cosmetics bag.<br />
“That was the straw that broke<br />
the camel’s back,” admits Anna,<br />
whose filter-free parenting blog,<br />
Mother Pukka, has become a<br />
go-to for frazzled parents. Over<br />
the past six years, Anna has<br />
“cracked open the very real<br />
issues” of her life, sharing her<br />
innermost feelings with her<br />
241,000 Instagram followers,<br />
about everything from five<br />
miscarriages, PTSD, anxiety and<br />
postnatal depression, to working<br />
in pyjamas, getting “spangled”<br />
with her mum on a rare night out,<br />
and swimming with two kids (FYI<br />
don’t do it).<br />
During the hard<br />
times, Anna, 38,<br />
credits her hubby<br />
– fellow journalist<br />
Matt Farquharson,<br />
43 – with being her<br />
rock. She recalls<br />
with heartbreaking<br />
clarity when she<br />
first miscarried in A&E. “Matt just<br />
held me and that was the point<br />
where we got married – not the day<br />
I was worried about favours, the<br />
live band, and 5,000 Scrabble tiles<br />
spelling out our guests’ names,’ she<br />
says. “We got married in a hospital<br />
ward during one of the darkest<br />
moments we’ve experienced<br />
together.”<br />
But by the beginning of last<br />
year, Anna and Matt’s solidity<br />
had weakened. Confused by the<br />
seemingly gaping chasm between<br />
“I do” and “The End”, and tired of<br />
daily frustrations with each other,<br />
the couple became disillusioned<br />
by marriage.<br />
“It’s easy to cruise along and<br />
think ‘everything’s fine’, but you<br />
let little disappointments go, and<br />
ignore things that should be dealt<br />
with – that shortness with your<br />
partner, that sarkiness about<br />
mundane nonsense, starts to build<br />
and affect someone,” explains<br />
Matt, aka Papa Pukka, whose<br />
hilarious take on fatherhood has<br />
turned him and Anna into digital<br />
parenting royalty.<br />
Anna agrees. “It was never one<br />
thing, it was an amalgamation of<br />
things that were chipping away<br />
at our happiness, and wearing<br />
down on what was once a really<br />
shiny thing,” she says, adding that<br />
Photography | Emily Gray<br />
76 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
Anna and Matt’s Flex Appeal campaign for flexible<br />
working for parents, has helped get a bill read in<br />
parliament. They are striving to change attitudes<br />
about a ‘one-size-fits-all’ worklife, and to think<br />
about individual needs instead<br />
Matt just held me and that was the<br />
point where we got married – not the day<br />
I was worried about 5,000 Scrabble tiles<br />
spelling out our guests’ names. We got<br />
married in a hospital ward during one of<br />
the darkest moments we’ve experienced<br />
Images | Instagram @mother_pukka<br />
such issues were compounded by<br />
“exhaustion, postnatal depression,<br />
redundancy, the weight of finances<br />
and admin”.<br />
All of this led Anna to one place –<br />
hunting for an escape route.<br />
“I’ve said to Matt a couple of<br />
times ‘Maybe I should just f**k<br />
off,’” she confesses. ‘You get to the<br />
point where you wonder ‘Is this it?’<br />
and ‘If this is it, do I want this?’”<br />
To find answers, Anna and Matt<br />
committed not to a divorce, but<br />
to writing a book “separately but<br />
together”. They agreed on nine<br />
topics, from going it alone to porn,<br />
and then wrote down their deepest<br />
thoughts while interviewing<br />
experts including residents of a<br />
love commune, monks, and their<br />
own parents. They only read<br />
each other’s contributions before<br />
penning the final chapter. The<br />
process, says Anna, “nearly broke<br />
us, then mended us again”.<br />
“One psychiatrist said ‘being<br />
married or in a long-term<br />
relationship is about as close as<br />
you can get to being in therapy<br />
without being in therapy’ because<br />
the other person is this mirror,<br />
reflecting back to you your very<br />
best and worst traits,” says Matt,<br />
who believes the process helped<br />
them reframe the meaning of the<br />
“elusive” happily-ever-after by<br />
getting real about the dynamics of<br />
a modern-day relationship.<br />
“It’s taught me patience and a<br />
rediscovered mutual respect. We’ve<br />
now worked out what the next stage<br />
is, and that it can be just as happy if<br />
not happier.”<br />
But Anna and Matt, whose 2017<br />
book Parenting The S*** Out Of Life<br />
became a Sunday Times bestseller,<br />
refute the suggestion that they are<br />
now bonafide relationship gurus.<br />
“We’re just two exhausted<br />
people who found divorce one<br />
administrative thing too many,”<br />
laughs Anna. “Matt and I are still on<br />
a journey… but I haven’t told him I<br />
want to f**k off for a very long time!” >>><br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 77
THE PUKKA<br />
ROUTE TO<br />
HAPPILY<br />
EVER AFTER<br />
How are you? Who are you?’ We<br />
have lost each other so very much<br />
in the last few years, because we<br />
haven’t checked in enough in this<br />
pursuit of the bigger, the better,<br />
the faster, the richer.”<br />
3 STRIKE A BALANCE BETWEEN<br />
BEING SUPPORTIVE AND<br />
OVER-DEPENDENT<br />
“One of the things we learned is<br />
the huge value in being able to<br />
bugger off and be by yourself,”<br />
says Matt. “Everyone needs a<br />
little bit of time in their own<br />
head and you don’t often get that,<br />
especially in a family set-up.<br />
Creating a bit of space purely for<br />
you, whether through exercise,<br />
going to a museum or watching a<br />
film, is incredibly important for<br />
helping you appreciate the time<br />
you do have with your partner.”<br />
1 EMBRACE THE MUNDANE<br />
“Realise that the mundane is the<br />
happy ever after, that the banal<br />
cheese and pickle sandwich, and a<br />
cheeky bum squeeze by the fridge,<br />
are the things to celebrate, not big<br />
romantic dinners where there’s so<br />
much pressure to have the perfect<br />
date,” advises Anna. “Stop chasing<br />
what Google wants you to find,<br />
what Getty Images are telling you<br />
love looks like. Stop looking for<br />
that Disney happy ever after.”<br />
2 CHOOSE YOUR WORDS<br />
CAREFULLY<br />
“It’s easy to stop trying when<br />
you’ve been with someone for a<br />
while,” admits Matt. “It’s worth<br />
stopping to think: ‘If I was to give<br />
my best self to this person, what<br />
would that look like, and what<br />
would I be doing?’”<br />
“Be vocal about your needs,”<br />
adds Anna. “I recently said to<br />
Matt, ‘I just need you to ask me<br />
sometimes, ‘How was your day?<br />
4 FIND YOUR ‘SOMETHING'<br />
“When one person feels like<br />
they’ve lost themselves, maybe<br />
after giving up their career,<br />
there’s often a sense of ‘who am I<br />
now?’ For a healthy relationship<br />
with yourself and with your<br />
partner, you have to have that<br />
something,” says Anna. “The<br />
minute I stopped putting heavy<br />
expectations on other humans<br />
in my life to fix me and make<br />
me happy was when – through<br />
writing this book – I found<br />
happiness. It was such a simple<br />
shift.”<br />
5 WORSHIP YOUR PARTNER AS<br />
MUCH AS THE KIDS<br />
“A psychiatrist I spoke to said<br />
problems creep into relationships<br />
when parents worship their<br />
children in a way that they don’t<br />
any more worship their partner,”<br />
explains Matt. “What kids need to<br />
78 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
As part of the Flex Appeal campaign, which supports<br />
parents, carers, creatives, and anyone for whom the<br />
standard nine to five isn’t suitable, Anna and Matt<br />
organised a flash mob dance in Trafalgar Square<br />
see is a loving, mutually respectful<br />
relationship between whoever is<br />
raising them. It’s easy for people<br />
to overlook that, and I’ve definitely<br />
realised I need to make my best<br />
effort with Anna as much as I do<br />
with our kids.”<br />
6 GET PHYSICAL<br />
“On a really primal level, the more<br />
you have sex, the more you want<br />
to have sex, the more you feel<br />
connected, and the healthier and<br />
happier you are. The physical side<br />
can just be contact – a hug or a<br />
fruity WhatsApp message,” says<br />
Anna. “That said, the other day I<br />
messaged Matt to say ‘let’s get it on<br />
tonight’ then by the evening I was<br />
really tired, I’d dealt with a doctor’s<br />
appointment over a potential<br />
bunion, and I wasn’t there!<br />
Actually, what mattered was that<br />
contact, a hug, and recognising<br />
that those little moments build up<br />
to a bigger picture.”<br />
7 TREASURE THE TOUGH TIMES<br />
“Recognise that tears can be<br />
just as good as laughter,” insists<br />
Anna. “If you Google romance<br />
and love, you’ll see pictures of<br />
sunsets and cocktails on holiday<br />
in warm weather with a very<br />
heteronormative couple holding<br />
hands. The images should be those<br />
when you’re in a million pieces,<br />
sobbing on the floor with mascara<br />
running down your face, unable to<br />
find a way out of the door through<br />
anxiety, or postnatal depression,<br />
or post-miscarriage trauma, and<br />
your partner is there lifting you<br />
up, holding you up as you sob,<br />
saying ‘It’s sh*t and I’m here.’”<br />
8 BE CONTENT WITH THE NOW<br />
“The desire to get on and do better<br />
is part of the reason people end<br />
up having affairs,” warns Matt.<br />
“People remember the great<br />
relationship they had with their<br />
partner in their 20s, then 15 years<br />
later, with kids and a mortgage,<br />
hanker after that with someone<br />
else. Marriage vows say ‘for richer,<br />
for poorer’, but ‘the poorer’ is<br />
more important. Tackle that.<br />
Money isn’t going to buy the joy<br />
that you’re seeking.”<br />
‘Where’s My Happy Ending?’<br />
by Anna Whitehouse and Matt<br />
Farquharson is available now<br />
(Bluebird, £14.99)<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 79
Small changes to feel<br />
POWERFUL<br />
We all have days when we feel out of our depth and like we’ve lost control. Here<br />
are five small changes you can make to get back on top. It’s your time to shine<br />
Writing | Ellen Hoggard Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
We live in a ‘switched<br />
on’ world where we<br />
pride ourselves on<br />
being busy. We work<br />
hard, maintaining social lives and<br />
relationships, while also striving to<br />
be the best version of ourselves. But<br />
sometimes, this constant state of<br />
busyness can leave us feeling downand-out.<br />
Naturally, we hit a point of<br />
exhaustion, and when things feel<br />
out of our control, we typically fall<br />
back and surrender.<br />
But there are ways you can<br />
reignite your energy levels and<br />
80 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
get your power back. Lifestyle<br />
changes and maintenance –<br />
regular movement, healthy eating<br />
and time for yourself – are key in<br />
looking after both your physical<br />
and mental health, and we know<br />
that. However, there are some<br />
tricks you may not know that can<br />
jump-start the ignition. Small<br />
changes you can make to feel<br />
powerful, whether it’s planning<br />
your week ahead, or sneaking<br />
into a room five minutes before<br />
a meeting to flex your favourite<br />
power pose. Ready?<br />
1 RECOGNISE THE PROBLEM<br />
If there’s something specific<br />
grinding your gears, acknowledge<br />
it. Are you feeling overwhelmed by<br />
your ever-growing to-do list? Have<br />
you got a month full of social plans,<br />
but really, all you want is a night<br />
in your pyjamas and a takeaway<br />
pizza? Has a loved one or colleague<br />
annoyed you, and you can’t seem to<br />
get it out of your head?<br />
Whatever it is that’s winding<br />
you up, acknowledge it. Shout it<br />
from the rooftops. Get in your car<br />
and scream. Let out a loud sigh,<br />
dropping your shoulders as you<br />
release the breath. Sometimes, it’s<br />
letting go of your frustrations in a<br />
physical way that can immediately<br />
give you a sense of relief.<br />
2 MAKE A LIST<br />
Write down the things you need to<br />
do – or think you need to do. If you<br />
have a million things going round<br />
in your head, you’re never going to<br />
be able to focus and do them all to<br />
your best ability. Write everything<br />
down and then, be ruthless. What<br />
do you absolutely need to do?<br />
Mark the tasks. Next, mark the<br />
jobs that are important, but not<br />
urgent. Then, mark the things that<br />
someone else can do, or are low<br />
priority.<br />
On a new piece of paper, write<br />
the top three things you need<br />
(and want) to get done. Forget all<br />
the little jobs and things that are<br />
holding you back. You now have<br />
your list for the day (or week) – try<br />
to stick to it. Giving yourself this<br />
time to complete your priority<br />
tasks will leave you feeling much<br />
better – and totally in control.<br />
3 GET DRESSED<br />
When you’re feeling stressed, it<br />
can take a lot of energy to actually<br />
get out of bed and dressed. But<br />
trust me, putting on your favourite<br />
outfit – one that makes you feel<br />
like you can do anything – is a<br />
quick trick that can really put a<br />
pep in your step.<br />
When you’re wearing what makes<br />
you feel good, you naturally hold<br />
your head higher. And by being<br />
open and standing tall, you allow<br />
air into your lungs. You relax<br />
your shoulders and float with<br />
ease. Sometimes, it’s as simple as<br />
pushing your shoulders back and<br />
taking a deep breath.<br />
4 TREAT YOURSELF<br />
This may be as small as picking<br />
up a coffee on the way to work,<br />
or arranging a night out (or night<br />
in) with your loved ones and a<br />
delicious meal. It’s easy to get<br />
bogged down with the negative<br />
stuff and forget to spend time on<br />
yourself.<br />
A simple but effective change can<br />
be your attitude. There’s nothing<br />
wrong with throwing your hands<br />
up and proclaiming, f**k it! Forget<br />
Get in the stance<br />
that for you,<br />
reflects true<br />
power, and soon<br />
you’ll be oozing<br />
strength and<br />
confidence<br />
those little worries that you can’t<br />
do anything about. Often in the<br />
grand scheme of things, they<br />
don’t matter. Book some time<br />
away. Take a day off to do what<br />
you want. Leave the guilt behind.<br />
5 FIND YOUR POWER POSE<br />
For an instant boost in energy,<br />
confidence and power, you need<br />
to find your power pose. Brought<br />
to public attention by psychologist<br />
Amy Cuddy, whose TedTalk has<br />
now garnered more than 55<br />
million views, power posing is a<br />
technique in which you adopt a<br />
stance you associate with power,<br />
in the hope of “feeling and<br />
behaving more assertively”.<br />
It may sound silly, but for many<br />
people, taking five minutes<br />
before a big presentation to take<br />
a deep breath, and stand in a<br />
position that represents power,<br />
can instantly lift your mood and<br />
clear doubts. It doesn’t have to<br />
be applied only at work either; if<br />
you’re going on a date, or doing<br />
something that makes you feel a<br />
little nervous, channel your inner<br />
power muse (think, what would<br />
Beyoncé do?). Get in the stance<br />
that for you, reflects true power,<br />
and soon you’ll be oozing strength<br />
and confidence, and going about<br />
your day with ease.<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 81
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82 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> HAPPIMAR, which expires on 16 April <strong>2020</strong>. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com
Konnie Huq:<br />
An exact science<br />
What did you want to be when<br />
you grew up? A police officer?<br />
A teacher? An analytical<br />
textile technologist? The world<br />
of science can often feel<br />
mysterious, but author and<br />
ex-Blue Peter presenter Konnie<br />
Huq is on a mission to open up<br />
the world of STEM to the next<br />
generation. Here, we speak<br />
about the pressure to conform,<br />
the importance of visibility,<br />
and her debut children’s<br />
book, Cookie… and the Most<br />
Annoying Boy in the World<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
Photoraphy | Ed Miller<br />
It “ was a different time,” Konnie<br />
Huq says, as she reflects on<br />
her childhood, and the ways it<br />
compares to those of children<br />
in <strong>2020</strong>. “We used to play out all<br />
day in the holidays, we’d be on our<br />
bikes and just come in to eat.”<br />
Today’s children have a lot to<br />
contend with, from tackling the<br />
technology problem (Is it good? Is<br />
it bad? When is enough, enough?),<br />
to an ever increasing pressure to<br />
perform at school – and, of course,<br />
the age-old question: what am I<br />
going to be when I grow up? >>><br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 83
When I was growing<br />
up, going into TV<br />
as an Asian wasn’t<br />
necessarily something<br />
I thought was actually<br />
a possibility<br />
“I was going to be an engineer,”<br />
says Konnie. “I did physics,<br />
chemistry, maths, and further<br />
maths A-levels. My parents came<br />
over from Bangladesh in the 1960s<br />
with dreams of their kids being<br />
scientists, engineers, doctors,<br />
accountants, and mathematicians<br />
– because those were revered<br />
professions.”<br />
In the end, Konnie took another<br />
course, stepping into the limelight<br />
when she first appeared on our<br />
screens in 1994, presenting a<br />
Saturday morning children’s TV<br />
show on GMTV, before going on<br />
to be Blue Peter’s longest-serving<br />
female presenter, from 1997–2007.<br />
Though, she notes that this wasn’t<br />
something she did, or even realised<br />
she could, aspire to as a child.<br />
“When I was growing up,<br />
going into TV as an Asian wasn’t<br />
necessarily something I thought<br />
was a possibility because I didn’t<br />
see any others,” she says. “And<br />
actually I sort of fell into my job.<br />
I went to open auditions for TV<br />
presenters, but not with a view to<br />
getting a job as a TV presenter, just<br />
for a fun day out.”<br />
“I remember hearing a lady’s<br />
voice on the radio when I was really<br />
young and thinking, ‘I didn’t realise<br />
women can do radio DJing as well.’<br />
So it’s only what you’re used to that<br />
you see as a possibility.”<br />
84 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
There are so many forces at play<br />
when it comes to predicting how<br />
our lives will pan out. Wealth,<br />
ethnicity, disability, geographical<br />
location, and many more variables<br />
all come together to affect the<br />
choices that we make. So often,<br />
the first step to breaking down<br />
these invisible barriers is visibility<br />
– seeing people who look, sound,<br />
and think like you, doing the<br />
things you aspire to be.<br />
“My role model, though I don’t<br />
know if I had her when I was<br />
a kid, is Ada Lovelace,” Konnie<br />
says. “She’s the epitome of a<br />
woman scientist. She foresaw that<br />
computers had the ability to make<br />
music, pictures, and all the things<br />
they do today. Though I don’t<br />
know that I discovered her when I<br />
was at school, because she wasn’t<br />
celebrated as much as all the men<br />
you hear about.”<br />
These days, we’re taking the<br />
time to retrospectively celebrate<br />
the women who may not have<br />
got the credit they deserved in<br />
their time. But the current gender<br />
divide in who’s going into STEM<br />
(science, technology, engineering,<br />
and mathematics) subjects and<br />
industries is something worth<br />
talking about. Girls make up just<br />
35% of students taking STEM<br />
subjects at school and in higher<br />
education, and just 22% of the<br />
industry workforce. Undeniably,<br />
there’s something at play here,<br />
and this issue is at the heart of<br />
Konnie’s debut children’s book<br />
series Cookie.<br />
A sassy, determined girl, Cookie’s<br />
love for science takes her down a<br />
path of hilarity and the occasional<br />
sticky situation (think classroom<br />
lemonade bottle experiments<br />
gone explosively wrong). Konnie<br />
describes the series – the second of<br />
which she is currently writing – as<br />
‘stealth woke’, subtly expanding<br />
readers’ experiences of different<br />
people, and weaving in lessons on<br />
all kinds of systems, from solar<br />
to social.<br />
“For instance, Cookie is from<br />
an ethnic minority family. She’s<br />
Muslim. Her best friend has<br />
two dads,” Konnie explains. “It’s<br />
the minorities that make up the<br />
majority, and the majority is more<br />
interesting for the variety. That’s<br />
what inclusivity and diversity<br />
are about.<br />
“So I’ve got a lot of that in the<br />
book, but instead of shoving<br />
it down people’s throats it’s<br />
secondary,” she continues. “It<br />
doesn’t affect the plot that Cookie<br />
is Muslim, or that Cookie is from<br />
Bangladesh. It’s nothing to do<br />
with it. It’s like you’re saying if a<br />
character has green eyes. We’re all<br />
defined by so many things.”<br />
But breaking free of the messages<br />
that tell us to blend in with<br />
everyone else, and celebrating<br />
who we are, isn’t always easy – and<br />
Konnie notes that the early years<br />
of her career were full of pressure<br />
to “conform” to a certain standard.<br />
“When I was in my 20s, I was<br />
more easily led by other people,”<br />
Konnie says. “I was never really<br />
into fashion, but for work I was<br />
told that I had to be into fashion.<br />
I do think that when you’re in<br />
this industry you have to play the<br />
game. You have to toe the line.”<br />
For Konnie, a lesson that she’s<br />
learned over time is that happiness<br />
can be found in the simple<br />
things in life – with the people<br />
you surround yourself with, and<br />
the things that you choose to<br />
prioritise.<br />
‘Cookie! and the Most Annoying<br />
Boy in the World’ by Konnie Huq is<br />
available now (Piccadilly<br />
Press, £6.99)<br />
“When you find friends who<br />
you really like and who you really<br />
get on with, that’s kind of all you<br />
need,” she says. “I can go have a<br />
laugh with them or chat to them,<br />
and I come back thinking, ‘That<br />
was priceless.’ Happiness comes<br />
from within, it comes from<br />
helping each other.”<br />
At a time when questions about<br />
consumerism, technology,<br />
and the future of the planet,<br />
are all weighing heavily on our<br />
minds, it can be easy to take the<br />
dimmer outlook. But perhaps<br />
by turning our focus on to the<br />
people who matter most to us,<br />
while simultaneously broadening<br />
our horizons and embracing the<br />
limitlessness of our abilities, we<br />
can begin to make the difference<br />
that we want to see in the world<br />
around us.<br />
As for Konnie, is she hopeful for<br />
the future?<br />
“Just look how amazing young<br />
children are,” she says. “Yes, I am.<br />
I am, definitely.”<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 85
Is mental health on your company agenda?<br />
We believe mental health first aid training should be given equal importance to physical<br />
first aid training in every workplace. If you would like to become a mental health first aider<br />
at work, <strong>Happiful</strong> can train you, and we've created this email template to help you explain<br />
the benefits to your boss<br />
Dear ,<br />
I'd like to become a mental health first aider for<br />
and I'm hoping you can help.<br />
Here are some of the reasons why <br />
will benefit from offering Mental Health First Aid training to our<br />
employees:<br />
1. Build staff confidence to have open conversations around mental<br />
health, and break the stigma in the office and in society.<br />
2. Encourage people to access early support when needed. Early<br />
intervention means faster recovery.<br />
3. Empower people with a long-term mental health issue or disability<br />
to thrive in work, and ensure that we are compliant with legislation<br />
in the Equality Act 2010.<br />
4. Promote a mentally healthy environment, and allow people to thrive<br />
and become more productive.<br />
5. Embed a long-term, positive culture across the whole organisation,<br />
where our employees recognise their mental and physical health are<br />
supported as equal parts of the whole person.<br />
6. Proudly share that mental health is on our company agenda, and<br />
improve retention as a result of a reduction in staff stress levels.<br />
<strong>Happiful</strong> offers two-day mental health first aid training courses for<br />
individuals across the country for £235 + VAT per person, and they<br />
can also offer bespoke courses on-site at our workplace if we have a<br />
minimum of eight attendees.<br />
Yours sincerely,<br />
<br />
Did you know that stress,<br />
anxiety, and depression<br />
are the biggest causes of<br />
sickness absence in our<br />
society?<br />
Mental ill-health is<br />
currently responsible for<br />
91 million working days<br />
lost each year. The cost<br />
to UK employers is £34.9<br />
billion each year.*<br />
<strong>Happiful</strong> has partnered<br />
with Simpila Healthy<br />
Solutions to offer<br />
internationally recognised<br />
courses and training<br />
events in the UK.<br />
Each course is delivered<br />
by an accredited Mental<br />
Health First Aid England<br />
instructor and is delivered<br />
in a safe, evidence-based<br />
programme.<br />
Proudly working with<br />
*Source: MHFA England<br />
SIMPILA<br />
Healthy Solutions<br />
To register your company’s interest or to book an<br />
individual place, visit training.happiful.com or<br />
drop us an email at training@happiful.com
TRUE LIFE<br />
A voice of<br />
understanding<br />
After years of hiding his pain and depression, Henry<br />
found himself at breaking point. But the connection<br />
and trust with a special therapist, and his own passion<br />
for music, opened him up to the possibility of a brighter<br />
future – one which he embraced whole-heartedly<br />
Writing | Henry Grace<br />
Photogrphy | Emmanuelle Le Chat<br />
When I was<br />
18, I was<br />
diagnosed<br />
with<br />
depression. It was 2010,<br />
and I had just finished<br />
high school. But instead<br />
of celebrating with my<br />
friends, I was admitted to<br />
a psychiatric hospital in<br />
London. The truth is that<br />
it was a relief. For so many<br />
years, I’d covered up my<br />
depression and, to some<br />
extent, hidden it pretty<br />
well from even myself.<br />
I never told anyone about<br />
the pain I was in, the selfharming,<br />
or that I almost<br />
took my own life when I<br />
was 16. It probably seems<br />
strange that I was unaware<br />
I needed help. But mental<br />
health was just never a<br />
conversation at home or at<br />
school. And so when the<br />
truth finally came out, I<br />
hoped that life would get<br />
a little better.<br />
But after three years of<br />
therapy, and a few stints<br />
in psychiatric hospitals,<br />
my condition had only<br />
worsened. I’d been<br />
diagnosed with multiple<br />
mental illnesses, and was<br />
put on a cocktail of drugs<br />
that left me comatose<br />
half of the time. I felt<br />
completely hopeless<br />
and often contemplated<br />
suicide. The few things<br />
that brought me any real<br />
happiness during this time<br />
were my family, friends,<br />
and writing music. I count<br />
myself incredibly lucky to<br />
have not only lived a life<br />
surrounded by wonderful<br />
people, but also to have<br />
found a passion so early<br />
on that has always found a<br />
way of guiding me. Music<br />
has helped shape me as a<br />
person and, in many ways,<br />
defined my life so far.<br />
But by the time I turned<br />
21, life had pretty much<br />
unravelled. I could<br />
no longer maintain<br />
relationships, couldn’t get<br />
a job, or even get through<br />
the day without having<br />
a panic attack. I had<br />
overdosed twice, dropped<br />
out of university, and<br />
stopped writing music.<br />
With nowhere else to go,<br />
I moved back home to<br />
my parents’ farm in rural<br />
Oxfordshire and, after<br />
only a week or two, found<br />
myself contemplating<br />
suicide again.<br />
Suicide is a really complex<br />
topic. It totally devastates<br />
everything it touches but,<br />
for so many who feel like<br />
they can no longer cope, it<br />
often seems like the only<br />
way out. For me, life had<br />
become unbearable. I had,<br />
quite literally, lost the will<br />
to live and so, one summer<br />
evening, I walked out the<br />
door of our farm and tried<br />
to end my life.<br />
A few days later, I woke<br />
up to find myself in a<br />
hospital hooked up to<br />
multiple machines. I can<br />
remember closing my<br />
eyes tightly and feeling<br />
devastated that I had<br />
survived. When doctors<br />
told me that there were<br />
no available beds in any<br />
of the NHS psychiatric<br />
hospitals across the UK,<br />
my family organised for<br />
me to go to a rehab in<br />
Arizona. Two days later, I<br />
found myself boarding a<br />
plane to America.<br />
I arrived in Arizona a<br />
completely broken man.<br />
But it didn’t take long for<br />
me to find my feet. >>><br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 87
Henry performing at<br />
Bush Hall, fundraising<br />
for Young Minds, in 2019<br />
Photogrphy | (Right) Isabella Clegg<br />
For me, life had<br />
become unbearable<br />
On my second day, I<br />
met my therapist. He told<br />
me his life story – how<br />
he’d lived through gang<br />
warfare, abuse, addiction<br />
and depression, and how<br />
he’d transformed his life<br />
to eventually become the<br />
man sitting across from<br />
me. It blew me away. No<br />
therapist had ever told<br />
me anything personal<br />
before. But before I even<br />
had a chance to catch my<br />
breath, he was asking to<br />
hear my story.<br />
And so I spilled my<br />
whole life out before him.<br />
He listened and somehow<br />
made me feel completely<br />
comfortable. It was as if,<br />
for the very first time, I<br />
was telling my story to<br />
someone who actually<br />
understood. When I<br />
finished, there was a<br />
brief silence between us<br />
as I watched the wheels<br />
in his mind turn, before<br />
he asked plainly: “What<br />
would your life look like,<br />
if it wasn’t like this?” I<br />
told him I had no idea.<br />
He nodded in agreement,<br />
looked me dead in the eye,<br />
and asked: “Do you want<br />
to change?”<br />
The question took me by<br />
surprise. Not because it<br />
was so direct, but because<br />
no one had ever asked it<br />
before. Usually therapists<br />
took these moments to<br />
just tell me what they<br />
thought was wrong with<br />
me, and that I needed to<br />
do this or that to cope. But<br />
here was a man simply<br />
asking me if I wanted to<br />
change, and asking in such<br />
a way that made change<br />
almost seem possible. Hope<br />
started to swell inside me,<br />
and suddenly, with more<br />
honesty and integrity than I<br />
had ever had before, simply<br />
said “Yes.”<br />
At that moment I realised<br />
that I had the power to build<br />
the life of my dreams.<br />
And so I admitted to<br />
myself that, through no<br />
fault of my own, I had<br />
gotten myself into this<br />
mess. Events had happened<br />
in my life that I’d had no<br />
control over, and no<br />
idea how to deal with.<br />
I’d become accustomed<br />
to being my own worst<br />
enemy, and had grown<br />
to see the world not for<br />
what it was, but for what I<br />
perceived it to be.<br />
By taking ownership of<br />
my depression, I suddenly<br />
had power over it. With<br />
every day that passed, I<br />
worked on changing my<br />
way of life, my beliefs, my<br />
actions, my views – both<br />
of the world and of myself.<br />
I was reclaiming my<br />
existence, and it was the<br />
most incredible feeling.<br />
To achieve something<br />
you want in life, I think you<br />
require three things. You<br />
88 • happiful.com • <strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong>
Photogrphy | Emmanuelle Le Chat<br />
Here was a man simply<br />
asking me if I wanted to<br />
change, and asking in<br />
such a way that made<br />
change almost seem<br />
possible<br />
have to believe in yourself,<br />
you have to work hard, and<br />
you need a bit of luck. I was<br />
lucky to go to Arizona, I<br />
was lucky to meet the right<br />
people at the right time,<br />
and I worked harder than<br />
I ever thought possible,<br />
but, more than anything,<br />
I believed in myself. And<br />
that’s what it took for me<br />
to beat nearly a decade of<br />
living with depression.<br />
I don’t have all the<br />
answers, and life still<br />
grinds me down at times,<br />
but I really wouldn’t<br />
change a thing, because<br />
my past, however hard it<br />
was at times, has made<br />
me who I am today. I<br />
truly believe that hope is<br />
everything, so I never let<br />
go of it.<br />
Instead of returning<br />
home to England from<br />
Arizona, I moved to Los<br />
Angeles, acquired a visa,<br />
enrolled myself in a<br />
small college, and started<br />
a music career. I met<br />
people who helped me<br />
in more ways than I can<br />
ever possibly explain. But<br />
what I am most grateful<br />
for, above all else, is that<br />
they encouraged me to<br />
start taking my music<br />
seriously. During my<br />
five years in California, I<br />
released two EPs, had my<br />
music played on the radio,<br />
picked up endorsements,<br />
and, in 2016, moved to<br />
San Francisco after being<br />
accepted to study at the<br />
University of California,<br />
Berkeley.<br />
I graduated last year<br />
with a degree in English<br />
Literature, and moved<br />
back home to England,<br />
where I now work as a<br />
musician and a mental<br />
health advocate for young<br />
people. I have toured the<br />
country, gone on air with<br />
the BBC to talk about<br />
mental health, and curated<br />
shows that raise awareness<br />
and money for mental<br />
health charities.<br />
Advocating for mental<br />
health was never an<br />
intention of mine at the<br />
beginning, and I certainly<br />
never imagined that I<br />
would now be trying to help<br />
people on a daily basis.<br />
But, in the end, I became<br />
so inspired by those who<br />
shared their stories, and by<br />
the countless people who<br />
devote their lives to helping<br />
others, that it only seemed<br />
right to share mine in the<br />
hope it can help someone,<br />
somewhere, believe in<br />
themselves again.<br />
OUR EXPERT SAYS<br />
Henry’s experience is<br />
truly inspirational, having<br />
overcome such adversity,<br />
to now being in a position<br />
where he is helping<br />
others and shining the<br />
light for positive change.<br />
His journey did not come<br />
without it’s struggles.<br />
After multiple attempts<br />
to end his life, Henry<br />
found invaluable support<br />
from his therapist that<br />
changed his life forever.<br />
The role that music has<br />
played is also key for<br />
Henry. Connecting with<br />
an activity we enjoy is vital<br />
to maintaining our<br />
wellbeing, and<br />
provided Henry<br />
with a flourishing<br />
self-belief.<br />
Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred)<br />
Counsellor and psychotherapist<br />
<strong>March</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 89
Mental health<br />
matters<br />
After suffering severe burns as a child,<br />
Sylvia Mac founded her campaign<br />
and support network, Love Disfigure,<br />
in the hopes of reaching others with<br />
skin disfigurements. Here, she shares<br />
personal milestones, and the things<br />
she’s learned along the way<br />
Mental health matters to me<br />
because… I suffered for years<br />
with severe depression, anxiety,<br />
and low self-esteem due to the<br />
scars on my body. Learning<br />
about my mental wellbeing has<br />
certainly helped me become the<br />
survivor, or thriver, I am today.<br />
When I need support I… talk to<br />
family members to get their<br />
advice, but more importantly<br />
get their hugs and love.<br />
When I need some self-care,<br />
I… recover by resting and<br />
spending alone time, or have spa<br />
treatments with my daughters.<br />
Reading positive books on selfcare<br />
always helps. Sometimes<br />
you’re pulled from all different<br />
directions, but I know how to<br />
deal with this by knowing my<br />
self-worth.<br />
The best lesson I’ve learned in life<br />
is… always accept a compliment.<br />
All too often, we deflect positive<br />
messages such as, ‘You look<br />
great!’ We reply, ‘Oh no, not me.’<br />
Replying with a simple ‘thank<br />
you’ not only makes you feel good<br />
about yourself, but it should also<br />
help keep that positive mindset.<br />
The moment I felt most proud of<br />
myself was... when I received my<br />
Point of Light award from Theresa<br />
May. The certificate came through<br />
the post with ‘10 Downing Street’<br />
marked on the envelope and I<br />
couldn’t stop reading it over and<br />
over. It was definitely one of my<br />
biggest and proudest moments.<br />
When I’m lacking motivation I...<br />
take ‘time out’ and switch off<br />
from everything. Sometimes I<br />
turn off my phone and relax in<br />
a calm environment – a bath or<br />
swimming pool – or pop to the<br />
gym and listen to high-energy<br />
music until I’m back on track.<br />
One thing that being a burn<br />
survivor has taught me about<br />
myself is... just how strong I am<br />
emotionally, physically, and<br />
mentally. I count myself as a<br />
thriver, which is third in line after<br />
‘victim’ and ‘survivor’. I no longer<br />
have ‘down days’ worrying about<br />
what people will think about me<br />
and my scars. It’s truly amazing.<br />
Photography | Kaye Ford<br />
My biggest tip for self-love is…<br />
remind yourself every day just<br />
how beautiful you are. Look<br />
in the mirror and repeat: ‘I am<br />
beautiful, I am worthy’. Keep hold<br />
of that positive mindset and carry<br />
it throughout the day.<br />
The main thing I want people<br />
to know about dealing with<br />
disfigurement is... no matter<br />
where your skin differences<br />
are on your body, it still affects<br />
many people mentally as well as<br />
physically.<br />
Visit lovedisfigure.com for more.<br />
Sylvia Mac will be speaking on<br />
‘Finding Your Confidence – Inside<br />
and Out’ at Live Well London<br />
(28 February to 1 <strong>March</strong>). Visit<br />
livewelllondon.com for tickets.
Photography | Joelvalve<br />
Dance is the hidden<br />
“language of the soul<br />
– MARTHA GRAHAM<br />
December 2018 • happiful • 91
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