Bereavement Support - Grieving a Coronavirus Death

Bereavement
Support:
Grieving a
Coronavirus
Death
by Sandie Dennis

Sadly, grief
can be one of
the loneliest
experiences of
your life.
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Introduction
It doesn’t matter whether you’re grieving the loss of
a spouse, a sibling, a friend, or a close colleague. The
aftermath of death can wreak profound, long-lasting effects.
Each of us will have different experiences of grief. We can
face a terrifying cascade of emotions that are so powerful, we
wonder if we will ever recover.
We can become so overwhelmed, that
talking about how we genuinely feel
seems impossible.
Mix these emotions with the unsettling
forces brought by a global pandemic:
having to self-isolate, the possible inability
to visit our loved one before their death,
the feeling of being completely out of
control, with no way to organise the
funeral and life-celebration that you
would have wanted for your loved one,
and the emotional impact becomes even
greater.
I would go so far as to compare the grief wrought by
Coronavirus to the impact of trauma.
As someone who has experienced intense grief, and who
now works closely with grieving employees as a bereavement
specialist, I can tell you:
You will get through this.
Because there is no other option.

You must go through grief; there is no shortcut,
and no pill you can take that will make it all
disappear.
But that
doesn’t
mean you
have to go
through it
alone.
I have created this supportive guide to help you
navigate, make sense of, and understand what
you are feeling.
What is grief?
I often compare the process of grief to being
on a roller coaster, as that’s exactly how you
are likely to feel in the following months, and
possibly even years.
You will travel wildly up and down, twisting and
turning at speed, through feelings of:
• complete shock
• denial
• anger
• guilt
• regret
• blame
• sadness
• desperation
• anxiety
• numbness
• bewilderment
• disbelief
• loneliness
• self-pity
• tiredness
• pain
• panic
• hopelessness
• possible flashbacks*

Grief can mean different things to different people. For me, it is the reaction that occurs when
we lose something we love, want, or need.
Grief is the process or journey we must go through, in order to adapt and create our new ‘normal’.
Yes, it’s painful, but for true healing to take place, it must happen. You must go through
grief to move forward and gain acceptance.
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“I Care About You”
It may not feel this way right now, but your grief is a
compliment.
It is the final act of love you can give to somebody. Grief
shows that this person matters to you; that their loss has left
a hole in your life. There is a real sense of meaning behind
the pain.
Just as love doesn’t have an expiry date, neither does grief.
But eventually, its intensity will fade, and you will move
towards acceptance.

How long does grief last?
People ask me this question all the time, and I wish I
could give them a simple answer.
But there is no set time period for grief. The only way
to recover is to go through it, and that takes however
long it needs to.
As a very basic guide, from my experience, the first
year involves getting over and processing the shock,
the second, getting through all the anniversaries, and
the third, emerging into a version of your new ‘normal’.
From my own perspective, I learnt so much about
myself, and I had more of an understanding of life after
grief. For me, it became as much about finding, as it
was about losing.
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Here are some
personal suggestions,
to help you through
the process of grief:
Express yourself
This can feel insanely difficult, but the more you talk about your grief, instead of suppressing it, the better.
While mentioning your loved one’s name can feel like a knife through the heart at first, airing your memories of
them out loud can eventually start to feel comforting.
Talking will help you find the right support, and become more resilient to the challenges ahead. There are so many
long-term benefits in expressing your grief, including improved mental health and wellbeing, healthy memories,
and less guilt, anger and resentment, as you return to the flow of life.

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Keep to your regular
routines
Let other people in
Structure can help you get through the days
ahead.
So, try to continue getting up, getting dressed,
and eating meals at your usual times, whether
you are on your own, or part of a family group.
This will pave the way to healthy sleep and
digestive patterns, enabling you to have a readymade
routine for when you eventually go back
to work.
You don’t have to handle the overwhelming
burden of grief alone. This is a time when friends
step up, and family members want to show you
their support and love.
In other words, accept help when it is offered.
(Don’t worry about ‘bothering’ people. If they
didn’t want to be there for you, then they wouldn’t
have offered, would they?)
Don’t be scared to contact your friends and family
if you need to. If you find they don’t respond in
the best way for you, support services such as The
Samaritans, or Cruse Bereavement Care, can be
immensely helpful.

Expect to feel
conflicting
emotions
Remember that roller coaster I talked about
earlier?
Our emotions are not static, and a wildly
different emotion can strike within five
minutes of the last, taking you completely
by surprise.
But if you expect that roller coaster of
emotions, you can become more prepared
when they strike.
If you want to cry, don’t suppress it. The process of crying can only
physically remain for around 30 minutes, so allow yourself that
time to cry. After it passes, you will most likely feel a welcoming
element of calm.
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Relax, and don’t get
drawn into other
people’s fear
There can be a strong – spoken or unspoken – feeling that certain deaths are more tragic than others,
particularly during a time like this.
Instead of feeling overwhelmed by tales of other Coronavirus deaths, try to focus only on yourself for a
while (this is perfectly acceptable, and is the opposite of ‘selfish’).
Stay away from constant news updates if you can,
particularly as you get closer to bedtime. You
may want to limit yourself to a few trusted news
sources, and check only at certain times of the day,
also taking regular breaks from social media.
Get some fresh air or sunlight each day – even
opening a window can help. If you are allowed,
go for a walk or run, or do some exercise in your
home. Exercise can be really helpful, as it creates
positive neurotransmitters in the brain.
Include dedicated time to relax in your usual
routine. Think about what activities work as the
best distractions for you; this could be watching old
films or tv series, reading, arts and crafts, or just
getting on with some jobs around the house.

However…
…do not expect to have your normal level of energy!
We are not used to intense periods of pain and suffering. I’ve got a message for you: it’s
exhausting.
You may find you have days when the grief is all-consuming, which is completely normal.
Particularly if you live with your family members, living in the same household can cause tensions
and resentments that can be magnified.
If this is the case for you, be as transparent as you can with your family members, telling them
calmly when you do not have the energy to support them.
Just give them a big hug, and suggest a chat later on.
If anger has led to impulsive outbursts, or you have said or done things to hurt others, it can help
to apologise. To control your anger in the future, go and tidy the garden, or go for a run until
it dissipates. It can also help to keep a journal, or use other calming techniques, such as deep
breathing.
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Some other things
to remember
Guilt is very common when going through
grief, particularly during emotionally
heightened times like these.
When you’re ready, it may help to arrange an online ‘life celebration’
night with friends and/or loved ones, so you can all share
personal memories and photos of your loved one.
A bereaved person might blame themselves
for infecting the person who died,
or for not being able to protect them. They
may also feel very guilty if they were not
able to be with the person and pass on any
last messages, even if this was not their
fault.
If you would rather wait until you can do this in person, you could
plan a ‘remembrance project’ that involves as many of your friends
and family as possible. This will give you something positive to
focus on, and look forward to in the future.
It is also very common to see, hear or feel the presence of someone
who has died, so try not to feel worried if this happens. Bear
in mind that this experience can be even more common in the
case of a traumatic bereavement.
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If you witnessed distressing scenes directly, or were not
able to be present for your loved one’s death, it may
naturally be very difficult for you to accept the reality of
a bereavement.
Some people may even become disturbed by mental
images, which in a severe form can become Post-Traumatic-Stress
Disorder (PTSD)*
If this is a regular occurrence, please contact your HR
provider. I have many resources that can help to support
PTSD – the most important thing to remember is that
you are not alone.

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@confidence2rtn
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