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Parenta July 2020 Magazine

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Positive emotional<br />

regulation practice<br />

How often have you told a toddler to “calm down”? Or asked a child to “stop crying”?<br />

Usually when we get to this point, it is often us that needs to calm down, or us who feels<br />

like bursting into tears. What we are requesting from children in these moments of<br />

crisis is that they regulate their own emotions.<br />

Emotional regulation is a tricky skill<br />

to learn, trickier still at moments of<br />

emotional stress. Yet it is in these<br />

moments that we normally ask<br />

children to practice the skill of shifting<br />

between emotional states.<br />

In order to move between emotional<br />

states, children need to know what<br />

they feel like. If you can support a<br />

child to recognise how their body<br />

feels when they themselves feel calm,<br />

then at least they have a target to<br />

aim for when you say “calm down.”<br />

Without this, your request can come<br />

across as very abstract.<br />

In my work, I support people from<br />

a wide range of backgrounds with<br />

a wide range of needs. Some of the<br />

people I work with are in very stressful<br />

jobs, others are recovering addicts.<br />

I have supported children with special<br />

educational needs and disabilities,<br />

and I have supported the staff who<br />

care for these children. For everyone,<br />

“checking-in” with your body is a really<br />

handy way of understanding how you<br />

are feeling.<br />

You might think that you know how<br />

you are feeling as you are feeling<br />

it, but quite often we can become<br />

stressed without noticing it, or our<br />

mood can drop and we only notice<br />

when we get to the point of feeling<br />

sad. Checking-in regularly with your<br />

physical self, and knowing your own<br />

personal warning signs is really<br />

helpful.<br />

For you, a check-in could be doing<br />

a quick scan of your body and<br />

noticing the tension around your<br />

neck and shoulders as if a head ache<br />

is building, or noticing that you’re<br />

moving around a lot but not getting<br />

much done. Perhaps you bite your<br />

fingernails or fuss with your clothes,<br />

maybe you eat more sugary foods?<br />

Whatever your warning signs are they<br />

will be unique to you. Knowing what<br />

they are is key to supporting your own<br />

emotional awareness.<br />

If we think about this for young<br />

children, we might notice them<br />

becoming more clingy, or withdrawing<br />

from social contact. They might<br />

get frustrated more quickly than<br />

usual and throw a toy or reject an<br />

activity. Most likely we would notice<br />

their facial expressions: children’s<br />

expressions are much less guarded<br />

than adults so it is easier for us to<br />

see what they are feeling, as it is not<br />

masked.<br />

To support children in checking-in<br />

with their bodies, we can ask them<br />

simple questions. Wording these<br />

question so that they are about the<br />

body will help to direct their attention<br />

to their physicality, so for example<br />

“is your body feeling cuddly?” “Do<br />

your hands feel grabby?” “How does<br />

your face feel?” Providing visuals to<br />

go with these questions can help<br />

children to frame their answers, or<br />

simply to be able to point to the visual<br />

of something they are not yet able to<br />

express in words.<br />

Generally, when we ask a child to<br />

emotionally regulate, what we are<br />

requesting is calm.<br />

Children know what happy, sad and<br />

excited are because these states<br />

are frequently labelled for them and<br />

reinforced in our language. They know<br />

what these feelings are, but what is<br />

calm? Calm is just something adults<br />

say when children are feeling anything<br />

other than calm!<br />

Try working into your routine a regular<br />

opportunity for children to feel their<br />

bodies in a state of calm. The game of<br />

‘Sleeping Dragons’ is a lot of fun: Ask<br />

the children to sit down and pretend<br />

they are dragons about to go to sleep.<br />

Begin with fingers clawed up and<br />

take a deep breath in, as the dragons<br />

relax into sleep their claws uncurl,<br />

their eyes close, and they blow out all<br />

the fire that is left in their bellies. (You<br />

want this blowing out to be a long<br />

and continuous breath). After a three<br />

deep slow breaths in and out, instruct<br />

the children to put one hand on their<br />

bellies and one hand on their chests<br />

to feel the dragon’s breathing as it<br />

sleeps.<br />

Make sure you join in as well. Narrate<br />

for the children what you feel as your<br />

body enters a state of calm, e.g. your<br />

shoulders are down, your tummy<br />

comes out as you breathe in, your<br />

chest goes down as you breathe out.<br />

Slow your voice and use its tone to<br />

reflect the state you want them to<br />

achieve. When everyone is peaceful<br />

tell them “You feel calm”.<br />

You can emphasise this, “This is what<br />

your body feels like when you feel<br />

calm”. If you think the children might<br />

be able to provide it you can ask<br />

them to describe how their bodies are<br />

feeling to you. This will give you their<br />

language to use when talking to them<br />

about feeling calm in the future. For<br />

example a child might say “My arms<br />

feel tired” you could then reflect this<br />

back to them on another day when<br />

things are not going their way and<br />

say, “Do you need to feel tired arms<br />

again?”<br />

Here is another quick example of a<br />

way to teach emotional regulation<br />

skills through play. There are a great<br />

many more and I am always happy<br />

to be contacted by parents and<br />

professionals looking for more ideas.<br />

Being excited balloons and<br />

calm balloons<br />

Ask the children to pretend that<br />

they are balloons being blown up.<br />

Have them breathe in, in three short<br />

breaths. As they do so they can puff<br />

their bodies out and hold out their<br />

arms to show that they are full of air.<br />

(You can use a real balloon to model<br />

this to them). What happens when<br />

you let go of a balloon that is full of<br />

air? Yes that’s right, have them race<br />

around the room making ‘farting’<br />

noises! (We often avoid situations<br />

where children are likely to get a bit<br />

silly or over excited, providing these<br />

opportunities in a managed way is<br />

further support to their development<br />

of emotional regulation skills). Once all<br />

their air is expended they have to fall<br />

to the ground in a little heap, just like<br />

the balloon.<br />

Tell the children they are<br />

going to be balloons<br />

again, but this time<br />

they will be calm<br />

balloons - with<br />

tubes in them! If<br />

you are using a real<br />

balloon to model<br />

this to the children<br />

make a little tube of<br />

cardboard and once<br />

the balloon is<br />

Katie White<br />

Katie Rose White is a Laughter<br />

Facilitator and founder of ‘The Best<br />

Medicine’. She works predominantly<br />

with carers, teachers and healthcare<br />

professionals - teaching playful<br />

strategies for boosting mood,<br />

strengthening resilience and<br />

improving wellbeing. She provides<br />

practical workshops, interactive talks<br />

and training days - fusing therapeutic<br />

laughter techniques, playful games<br />

and activities, and mindfulness-based<br />

practices. The techniques are not<br />

only designed to equip participants<br />

with tools for managing their stress,<br />

but can also be used and adapted to<br />

the needs of the people that they are<br />

supporting.<br />

thebestmedicine@outlook.com<br />

www.twitter.com/bestmedicine1<br />

http://www.facebook.com/<br />

thebestmedicinecornwall<br />

inflated, insert the tube into its neck so<br />

that it blows around the room without<br />

making a noise. Have the children<br />

copy this by blowing out all their air in<br />

one continuous stream and swooshing<br />

around the room in the loops that the<br />

balloon makes. As before, they can<br />

drop to the floor when they have run<br />

out of air. Ask the children to describe<br />

the difference between how it feels<br />

to be an excited balloon and to be a<br />

calm balloon. As you do this you are<br />

drawing their attention to their own<br />

internal emotional states.<br />

26 <strong>July</strong> <strong>2020</strong> | parenta.com<br />

parenta.com | <strong>July</strong> <strong>2020</strong> 27

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