Parenta July 2020 Magazine
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Positive emotional<br />
regulation practice<br />
How often have you told a toddler to “calm down”? Or asked a child to “stop crying”?<br />
Usually when we get to this point, it is often us that needs to calm down, or us who feels<br />
like bursting into tears. What we are requesting from children in these moments of<br />
crisis is that they regulate their own emotions.<br />
Emotional regulation is a tricky skill<br />
to learn, trickier still at moments of<br />
emotional stress. Yet it is in these<br />
moments that we normally ask<br />
children to practice the skill of shifting<br />
between emotional states.<br />
In order to move between emotional<br />
states, children need to know what<br />
they feel like. If you can support a<br />
child to recognise how their body<br />
feels when they themselves feel calm,<br />
then at least they have a target to<br />
aim for when you say “calm down.”<br />
Without this, your request can come<br />
across as very abstract.<br />
In my work, I support people from<br />
a wide range of backgrounds with<br />
a wide range of needs. Some of the<br />
people I work with are in very stressful<br />
jobs, others are recovering addicts.<br />
I have supported children with special<br />
educational needs and disabilities,<br />
and I have supported the staff who<br />
care for these children. For everyone,<br />
“checking-in” with your body is a really<br />
handy way of understanding how you<br />
are feeling.<br />
You might think that you know how<br />
you are feeling as you are feeling<br />
it, but quite often we can become<br />
stressed without noticing it, or our<br />
mood can drop and we only notice<br />
when we get to the point of feeling<br />
sad. Checking-in regularly with your<br />
physical self, and knowing your own<br />
personal warning signs is really<br />
helpful.<br />
For you, a check-in could be doing<br />
a quick scan of your body and<br />
noticing the tension around your<br />
neck and shoulders as if a head ache<br />
is building, or noticing that you’re<br />
moving around a lot but not getting<br />
much done. Perhaps you bite your<br />
fingernails or fuss with your clothes,<br />
maybe you eat more sugary foods?<br />
Whatever your warning signs are they<br />
will be unique to you. Knowing what<br />
they are is key to supporting your own<br />
emotional awareness.<br />
If we think about this for young<br />
children, we might notice them<br />
becoming more clingy, or withdrawing<br />
from social contact. They might<br />
get frustrated more quickly than<br />
usual and throw a toy or reject an<br />
activity. Most likely we would notice<br />
their facial expressions: children’s<br />
expressions are much less guarded<br />
than adults so it is easier for us to<br />
see what they are feeling, as it is not<br />
masked.<br />
To support children in checking-in<br />
with their bodies, we can ask them<br />
simple questions. Wording these<br />
question so that they are about the<br />
body will help to direct their attention<br />
to their physicality, so for example<br />
“is your body feeling cuddly?” “Do<br />
your hands feel grabby?” “How does<br />
your face feel?” Providing visuals to<br />
go with these questions can help<br />
children to frame their answers, or<br />
simply to be able to point to the visual<br />
of something they are not yet able to<br />
express in words.<br />
Generally, when we ask a child to<br />
emotionally regulate, what we are<br />
requesting is calm.<br />
Children know what happy, sad and<br />
excited are because these states<br />
are frequently labelled for them and<br />
reinforced in our language. They know<br />
what these feelings are, but what is<br />
calm? Calm is just something adults<br />
say when children are feeling anything<br />
other than calm!<br />
Try working into your routine a regular<br />
opportunity for children to feel their<br />
bodies in a state of calm. The game of<br />
‘Sleeping Dragons’ is a lot of fun: Ask<br />
the children to sit down and pretend<br />
they are dragons about to go to sleep.<br />
Begin with fingers clawed up and<br />
take a deep breath in, as the dragons<br />
relax into sleep their claws uncurl,<br />
their eyes close, and they blow out all<br />
the fire that is left in their bellies. (You<br />
want this blowing out to be a long<br />
and continuous breath). After a three<br />
deep slow breaths in and out, instruct<br />
the children to put one hand on their<br />
bellies and one hand on their chests<br />
to feel the dragon’s breathing as it<br />
sleeps.<br />
Make sure you join in as well. Narrate<br />
for the children what you feel as your<br />
body enters a state of calm, e.g. your<br />
shoulders are down, your tummy<br />
comes out as you breathe in, your<br />
chest goes down as you breathe out.<br />
Slow your voice and use its tone to<br />
reflect the state you want them to<br />
achieve. When everyone is peaceful<br />
tell them “You feel calm”.<br />
You can emphasise this, “This is what<br />
your body feels like when you feel<br />
calm”. If you think the children might<br />
be able to provide it you can ask<br />
them to describe how their bodies are<br />
feeling to you. This will give you their<br />
language to use when talking to them<br />
about feeling calm in the future. For<br />
example a child might say “My arms<br />
feel tired” you could then reflect this<br />
back to them on another day when<br />
things are not going their way and<br />
say, “Do you need to feel tired arms<br />
again?”<br />
Here is another quick example of a<br />
way to teach emotional regulation<br />
skills through play. There are a great<br />
many more and I am always happy<br />
to be contacted by parents and<br />
professionals looking for more ideas.<br />
Being excited balloons and<br />
calm balloons<br />
Ask the children to pretend that<br />
they are balloons being blown up.<br />
Have them breathe in, in three short<br />
breaths. As they do so they can puff<br />
their bodies out and hold out their<br />
arms to show that they are full of air.<br />
(You can use a real balloon to model<br />
this to them). What happens when<br />
you let go of a balloon that is full of<br />
air? Yes that’s right, have them race<br />
around the room making ‘farting’<br />
noises! (We often avoid situations<br />
where children are likely to get a bit<br />
silly or over excited, providing these<br />
opportunities in a managed way is<br />
further support to their development<br />
of emotional regulation skills). Once all<br />
their air is expended they have to fall<br />
to the ground in a little heap, just like<br />
the balloon.<br />
Tell the children they are<br />
going to be balloons<br />
again, but this time<br />
they will be calm<br />
balloons - with<br />
tubes in them! If<br />
you are using a real<br />
balloon to model<br />
this to the children<br />
make a little tube of<br />
cardboard and once<br />
the balloon is<br />
Katie White<br />
Katie Rose White is a Laughter<br />
Facilitator and founder of ‘The Best<br />
Medicine’. She works predominantly<br />
with carers, teachers and healthcare<br />
professionals - teaching playful<br />
strategies for boosting mood,<br />
strengthening resilience and<br />
improving wellbeing. She provides<br />
practical workshops, interactive talks<br />
and training days - fusing therapeutic<br />
laughter techniques, playful games<br />
and activities, and mindfulness-based<br />
practices. The techniques are not<br />
only designed to equip participants<br />
with tools for managing their stress,<br />
but can also be used and adapted to<br />
the needs of the people that they are<br />
supporting.<br />
thebestmedicine@outlook.com<br />
www.twitter.com/bestmedicine1<br />
http://www.facebook.com/<br />
thebestmedicinecornwall<br />
inflated, insert the tube into its neck so<br />
that it blows around the room without<br />
making a noise. Have the children<br />
copy this by blowing out all their air in<br />
one continuous stream and swooshing<br />
around the room in the loops that the<br />
balloon makes. As before, they can<br />
drop to the floor when they have run<br />
out of air. Ask the children to describe<br />
the difference between how it feels<br />
to be an excited balloon and to be a<br />
calm balloon. As you do this you are<br />
drawing their attention to their own<br />
internal emotional states.<br />
26 <strong>July</strong> <strong>2020</strong> | parenta.com<br />
parenta.com | <strong>July</strong> <strong>2020</strong> 27