Happiful August 2020

to connect with people, and being
able to initiate and sustain healthy
relationships. It means that we can
make the right choices for ourselves
in meeting our needs, in choosing
how we spend our time, and who
we spend this with.”
A good understanding of our core
qualities helps us navigate the world
around us, and yet many of us will
experience periods in our lives
when our sense of identity slips –
perhaps through patches of poor
mental health, when our feeling of
who we are is shaken as we’re less
sure of our needs. As a result, we
might experience an increase in
social anxiety, low-confidence, and
emotional numbness, or perhaps
struggle to settle on an external
image – drastically changing up our
interests or our appearances.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong
with shopping around and trying
new things. And we should neither
beat ourselves up about being
unsure about what we like or
dislike, nor judge others who go
through phases themselves. But
for many, losing a sense of self can
cause problems when it begins to
undermine the boundaries we set
with other people.
“People with a low sense of identity
have a tendency towards peoplepleasing,
at their own expense,”
Anne-Marie explains. “They may
seek constant approval from others,
and worry excessively about what
other people think of them.”
Anne-Marie goes on to explain
how this may lead to emotional
dependency. For example, we might
only feel OK when someone close
to us is feeling happy. This can
quickly become a problem as, when
The most important
relationship we can ever
have is the one with
ourselves, but we don’t
always protect the time
we need to invest in it
we get to the crux of it, our overall
wellbeing is dependent on how we
feel about ourselves, and we need
to get these cues from within rather
than from others, who may not
always be available and who may
become drained over time.
Beyond this, Anne-Marie suggests
that those struggling with identity
may find maintaining relationships
difficult, either because they’re
wrapped up in a fear of rejection
and so hold people at arm’s
length, or – on the other end of
the spectrum – may over-invest in
relationships, merging into their
partners, neglecting their values,
and losing sight of who they are.
Cultivating a strong sense of
ourselves is vital, so if we’re lacking,
how can we get back on track?
“Spend some time getting to know
yourself,” Anne-Marie suggests.
we can ever have is the one we have
with ourselves, but we don’t always
protect the time we need to invest in
it. True investment in yourself is not
about retail therapy or money, it’s
about reflection, self-awareness, and
personal growth. Creating a space to
explore who you really are
is essential.”
To do this, Anne-Marie
recommends activities to increase
our self-awareness and, by default,
our sense of identity.
“Simple questioning and journaling
can be a starting point to the ‘who
am I?’ journey,” she advises. “Think
about all the labels that you have
attached to yourself over time. Are
they ‘your’ labels or have you taken
them on from other people – parents,
family, friends, work colleagues?
How do these labels fit? How do you
‘wear’ them? How true and valid are
“The most important relationship they? How stuck are they? >>>
August 2020 • happiful.com • 85