Coronavirus playlist 2020
1. you give me fever
2. don’t stand so close to me
4. IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD as we
know it (and I feel fine)
5. all by myself
6. u can‘t touch this
7. knockin’ on heaven’s door
2 \\ Foolish Times
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September 2020 // 3
What The Bleep
Is Foolish Times?
Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing
the best humor we can find (some months we search
harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed
by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish
Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their
extended families, or their friends or neighbors,
or their associated pen pals, up to and including
cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and
what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted
by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who
contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented
names in all its stories, except in cases where public
figures are being satirized. Any other use of real
names is accidental and coincidental.
Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa,
Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo,
Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Daria James,
Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes Dana Larabee,
Peter Mehren, Nancy Pyzel, Jay Russell,
Gilly Spangler, Mary Tompsett, Sali
The Chucklehead Speaks
This pandemic has made a lot of us geographically illiterate and economically ignorant. Where
did all our money go? So many people are still out of work but we can be thankful we live in a
country where we can do exactly as our government pleases.
We recently had a diversion from the pandemic with the fires that raged throughout our county
and our friends to the north in Santa Cruz. There is nothing humorous about the loose of property
and the destruction a fire causes. We, at Foolish Times honor and salute the brave fire fighters who
put themselves at risk to contain and extinguish the blazes. Many thanks to you from us and our
Jay Cohen, my insurance agent called to ask if I wanted to add fire insurance to my auto policy.
My first thought was, why would anyone want to steal a burning car? He also suggested that I
increase my life insurance policy. Not to feel any pressure, he told me to sleep on it and call him
with an answer in the morning. If I wake up.
Please, wear your mask when you go out. Let’s make our area so safe and boring that when the
tide rolls out, it doesn’t come back….until this pandemic is finally over.
Stevie P. // email@example.com
Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon,
Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina,
David Schmidt, Monte Truitt, Megan & Miguel,
Jo Mora, The Unknown Carmel Cartoonist
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September 2020 // 5
The Uniform Is Not
Greener On The Other Side
Going on deployment and going to prison have a
lot more in common that people think about. You
probably had some events in your life that lead
you into making some zany decisions which then
unraveled a series of actions and now you are
wearing government issued outfits. I have never
been to prison, but I used to watch Orange is the
New Black and continue to serve our beautiful
How are they the same and yet have different
receptions? Well, glad you asked. Both groups
of people are confided to a compound which they
cannot leave; our rooms are small and in most
cases shared with a roommate(s). You wear the
same outfit every day, you get some yard time to
work on your gains, you write letters to those you
love so they do not forget about you while you are
gone in hopes that you will just slide right back into
their lives because they held your spot.
You get to eat at the same facility and little
things like vanilla pudding on your tray can make
your day. You exchange favors for food or tobacco.
Do not get ahead of me, people. One
time, we didn’t have laundry facilities
and I exchanged two trail mix bags
and vitamin water for a girl to wash
one load of clothes at her camp. I even
provided soap and dryer sheets.
You see the same people every day.
We have basic access to a clinic, we
shop at a little store on campus, we
all get excited when we get mail, you
hang out with people you probably
would have never met before, it can
be a little clicky. You have a lot of time
to pass the time (I would have said
kill time but that was too easy). You can take online
classes and work on a
degree, you have room
inspections, you can
make some phone calls
once in a while (back in
my day, I used to buy
calling cards to call the
US, now we have Wi-
Fi), the list can keep
going, but I think I
made my point.
I will, however point
out both groups feel
underpaid for their
services. When people
get out of either one,
they come out with
a different mentality
and set of skills, life has a different meaning,
we learned valuable lessons and each individual
processes those lessons differently, some are angry
and continue on a destructive path or change their
way of life for the better.
When we get back
home, it can be hard
can’t even do
to break some of the
habits you acquired
while hanging out
at the “government
retreat”, dropping the
F word like a verbal
eating like a college
and junk food fuel
America. Making your bed, folding your clothes
a certain way… hey, I still fold my clothes the way
Uncle Sam thought me and it maximizes room in
my suitcase when I travel. Working with civilians
takes adjustment because some can’t even do pushups
and we can be a little reserved when sharing
our stories, or totally inappropriate, perhaps some
did some things they are not proud of but hey,
you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. Never
judge a Veteran, because like Velma Kelly said: “If
you had been there, if you had seen it, I betcha you
would have done the same!”
Thank you to everyone serving and those who
have served. If you are thinking of serving, talk
to people in the branch you are interested in.
Realistically, we have two military branches, Army
and Navy. The Air Force is a corporation and the
Marines are a cult who technically belong to the
Department of the Navy. If you are mad about what
I just said you are probably a Marine.
Why did I not mention the Coast
Guard? No one cares about them. Take
your 30-day “deployment” and go away.
If you are a Coastie and did an actual
deployment you get brownie points
and we can hang out when I get back in
6 \\ Foolish Times
// Gilly Spangler
Remember Zoom from about forty years ago? It
was that great PBS kids show, on every afternoon.
Remember? They wore long sleeved striped polo
shirts, did cartwheels and things, had a lot of fun,
played games and did projects, all interspersed
with social skills. Zoom. Come on and Zoom Zoom
Zoom-a Zoom! In these times of Corona, Zoom
has evolved into a new dimension as a remote
meeting platform. In the landscape of virtual Zoom
meetings, there are still some
fun and games, and projects,
and even some social skills going
on, but now it’s live, and we’re
Zoomed into focus whether we
like it or not. Working remotely,
I’ve been to a lot of Zoom
meetings. Maybe not Zoom, but
some kind of platform where you
can look like you’re on
the beginning of the Brady
Bunch. I’m in education, so our
meetings are our class time.
I figured I’d gotten a lot of
practice, attending Zoom room
parties over summer. Getting up
refresh my drink, talking to everyone from the
kitchen while getting a snack, saying be right back
to take care of stuff. It was a blast. Like being there,
but having the freedom to just come and go
as I please. If I just walked away, it wasn’t like in
real life. I could just stop dancing, run back and
say oh! I forgot we’re Zooming! I won’t share any
more of my Zoom missteps, let’s just be glad
they were Zoom parties and everyone there was
also busy refreshing their drinks and such.
So the school year started, and after about a
week of classroom meetings I’ve learned a lot. For
one thing, I need to get up at my regular time and
do my typical morning routine. This gives me
time to zoom around like I usually do. I even look
for my keys just to keep things legit. I’ve done the
almost bedhead and haven’t finished my coffee
minutes in, well
it just wasn’t
good. It took me
days to find the
and height for
my device and et
Having a lot
made this a real
challenge. So of
course it’s my
bedroom. I have
an office side of the bed, with a cushion for my
laptop and an official rolling chair. A lot of people
get a partition or download some sort of backdrop,
but I’m just going with what’s behind me in the best
light. The staff and students know my desk, and
aren’t at all surprised by all the stuff on my dresser.
So here are some other things I’ve learned. If
my ankle itches I should just excuse myself and
get some calamine
lotion. I reached
This thought came
to me right when
I joined today’s
meeting with my
hair pulled back.
Uh, no, do not Zoom
in a pony tail.
down to scratch it about fifteen times before I
was in Jan Brady mode. Oh, wait, I was in Marsha’s
spot today. I have to stop thinking about where
I’m looking. I tried to look, and figure out what I’m
actually focussed on. It got to where I was looking
at myself looking and I created some sort of vortex
into badly focussed nothingness.
I used to SPEAK TOO LOUDLY, but maybe I’ve
curtailed that!! The one that I still can’t figure out
is my expression, looking so dour and all. So I’ve
started to smile intermittently just to be present.
I realized today that smiling out of the blue is a
little odd, so I try to time it with someone saying
something even remotely amusing. In real life, I
tend not to stare blankly at anyone, and for that
matter, don’t make lackluster eye contact. I feel
like I do it for hours when I’m zooming. I have to
say, I scratch my ankles and arms far more than I
imagined and I have to practice smiling more.
So today’s meeting I was thinking up some stuff.
On PJ days, or even if it’s just bad hair we’re
contending with, we can bow out completely by
turning off our camera. This thought came to me
right when I joined today’s meeting with my hair
pulled back. Uh, no, do not Zoom in a pony tail.
We can participate by mouthing words with
corresponding gestures to seem really engaged. But
don’t mute yourself, or everyone will see the icon
and figure it out. But here’s my favorite: You can
sit perfectly still and just do a pseudo freeze. Or
maybe try to start and stop moving and talking to
imitate a delay. This could be great if timed well.
If everyone Zooming played around like this, we
could agree to have another day be spent looking
into supposed connectivity problems. And hey,
we’d probably get just as much done.
Since I’m in education, it’s like virtual
ditching and I wouldn’t need to fake
my mom’s signature.
September 2020 // 7
Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19)
5,6,7,8 ~Tap tap tap tap. “Me first, Me first” ~ Your
rap has tapped you right into the clink! You
started out with a bang this year and recently
slipped into a self-oriented paradiddle. “Sharing”
was introduced in your childhood years,
remember? Maybe you stayed home sick that day.
Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20)
You have befriended all of your possessions,
but one…your plumpy heart. Should we call the
paramedics?! Jazzing it up with ruby studs & satin
spats is a flash in the pan of life’s true Ragu. Be the
first to respond to your own vital center and the
defense will rest in your favor.
Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20)
GEMS steal the limelight. Imposing your lofty
point of view can be enticing for some like
murderers’ row because they are the heavyweights
of the “one on one” - thing. They may hit hard back
where you have to look low and away, but always
watch for in your ear. Perhaps, staying with what
you are better acquainted with for now may prove
to be a big hitter on its own.
Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22)
Homebody! Look at these barren walls of this tilted
countryside. The flowers wilting and spilling into
a river of color that washes opaque. Give up the
ghost, this property is condemned. Your snappers
have turned blue holding on so tight to this 4 by 4.
Let it roll down like silk stockings. Then open to
the view of YES.
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22)
Governor & Governess ~ A motive in need of a
1000 votives? Declare self-defense where foul play
is concerned. Governing over substantial pleasures
can be dangerous where Paparazzi are concerned.
They have been sited stepping past the mote and
flashing photos of your underbelly. Only your nose
hairs have been divulged. Bring out the circle of
life almanac with the picture of Simba on the front,
they’ll know who rules.
Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22)
Zanuck, born in September created the Jazz Singer.
He did not dissect the facts before creating
his masterpiece or scrutinize his creativity. You are
thinking two words about yourself; “Not Guilty.”
Yet, you want this in-motion picture life to be
black and white and cutaway the gray areas. If you
embrace all chaos as a confounding wisdom, then
you will Razzle Dazzle! Happy Birfday Bunny!
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22)
Flowers are the true charmers - emulate! I know it
is all about parsnips and onions with you. Your cry
is “I can’t do it alone!” Yet watch the Lilies brush
the sky and notice their six degrees of separation
from their neighbors. Take the stand but don’t be a
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21)
You are entitled, for many a good reason
SCORPO, to a legacy that persists in your honor:
A splendiferous regeneration, a make-over of the
soul. By default a famous stinger. Play this hand
and you’ll rake in the chips.
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21)
Nowadays a sob story will get Facebook time
sympathy. But you’re not buying it! Peel your
ass off the amateur bench and find a real life
adventure, explore distant planets, discover new
ideas, catch the glimpse of a shooting star! If the
Facebook leaches try to reach your purified psyche,
steer clear of any incriminating online entries by
declaring you both reached for the gun. Black-out!
Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19)
Hard edged grittiness may be best left for the
pigeons digestive system. This reputation of yours
is igniting a nightly brawl at the local dive. So you
stand head in hand? Oh stop that jive. What you
need is an aspiring aspirin to be able to store your
juice for A LOT of a little bit of good again. In a
beer bottle if you have to, or are they all broken?
Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18)
Hopes, dreams, and wishes. Goody, gooey, drippy
& blech! You are left baffled when it doesn’t
happen as you expect. Teaming up now would be
sensational. With a partner in crime you can paint
the town! Start with the old barn, I hear it needs a
new coat. I am sure your knees will be rouged by
Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20)
Isn’t it great! Isn’t it grand! Isn’t it swell that
nowadays for you coming alive happens only after
dark?? I know life can be a just a noisy hall. But
escapism may be the floozy you need to cut off!
Are the flash bulbs popping yet!? Know your Jazz,
because the piano keys are hot and your watery
cool ways are needed to steam up your run of luck.
Start with Blow Fish Blues in F.
8 \\ Foolish Times
1) Should we teach dogs to drive?
2) Is it possible to make toast in a microwave?
3) Is chess a sport?
1) I see people driving all the time with a dog on their lap.
That’s the first step.
2) Reheating pizza is bad enough. I don’t think it would
work with toast.
3) I never thought about chess as a sport. It’s about being
completive and winning but if it’s not on ESPN, it’s not a
1) Their little legs can’t reach the pedals and they can’t
grip a steering wheel. They are used to chasing cars.
2) I think that would be possible. Set it on high for
a few minutes and be sure not to let it burn. Eat it
quickly so it doesn’t taste like rubber.
3) Sports are not just physical but mental. You have to
be in ‘chess shape’ to win. I’ve never seen chess players fight. Maybe that’s
why I’ve never seen chess players.
1) We have self-driving cars. Maybe we should have
dogs that walk themselves and pick up their messes.
2) Microwaves don’t brown food. I can’t imagine anyone
dumb enough to try this.
3) Chess is very strategic. I don’t understand it but if it
makes you happy to call it a sport, then its a sport.
My Dad and the Story
of the Firetruck
// Jann Gargiulo
Have you ever seen those “little
books” that need to be filled in? This
is another story prompted by that
Here is the remark in the little
book to which I am to respond:
Relate a Life Lesson
From One Of Your
Parents. The first
thing that came to
mind was my dad
and the story of the
My dad was
standing on the
sidewalk talking to
a friend and several
of us kids were next
to them. Daddy said
to all of the kids, “The best thing I
can teach you is to do what you are
told when you are told. If you have
questions ask them later. Now listen
closely: the one giving the orders
knows something you don’t. So, just
Wow! This is really hard to do.
It is worth it when one practices
this principle. God must have been
listening to my dad, because right
after daddy told us all to obey
immediately when given an order,
something strange happened. I swear
to you this is true 100% !
I started to run across the street
and I heard my Dad yell, “Jann get
back here now!” I stopped dead in
my tracks and looked at my dad. He
waved his hand down and didn’t
say another word. I rushed over to
him. He picked me up and turning
my face towards the street showed
me this huge firetruck! If I had not
run back to
my Dad when
he called me
If I had not
run back to
my Dad when
he called me
I would have
died that day.”
I would have
died that day.
I couldn’t see
where I was
further up the
hill and could
see the truck
coming. He knew something I didn’t.
I’m so glad I obeyed him.
I always loved my Daddy when I
was young, but as I got older I forgot
this lesson and thought I knew better
(especially about clothing, shoes, and
dating), but human nature hasn’t
gotten better over all these years;
it’s gotten worse! Don’t believe me,
turn on the news. I do remember this
wise lesson my Dad taught all of us
that day. It was not the first one he
taught us, nor would it be the last.
I was truly blessed to have a Daddy
like mine. I thank God for both of
my parents and their fine work in my
life. They were both so wise.
1) I think it would be cool to have dogs drive. I don’t
own a car and if they offered a dog with every car
purchase, maybe I would get my license.
2) I have proof that it doesn’t work. We tried it at work
and failed several times.
3) Sitting in one spot for hours and concentrating is not
a sport. If that’s the case, sitting on the beach is a sport
September 2020 // 9
Panetta, The Sequel
// Debbie Harris
It was a cold January day in Monterey, a Saturday.
The air was thick with anticipation of what was to
come. I roamed around looking at signs, taking
pictures of the ones I liked, checking the crowd to
see if I recognized anyone--observing in the scene.
Then I saw him from a distance . . . again from a
The last time I’d seen him this close, I was at
his office in the giant domed building so far away.
The door to his personal office opened and I got
a brief glance. I waved. He was talking and didn’t
return my wave. The door closed. He’d been sitting
with a group of people, his staff I presumed,
probably having a meeting. My son and I had our
picture taken with the staff member who’d given
us the tour, clicked as we stood in front of a wall
of California wines. We were happy to have been
given the tour, but a picture with him would have
popped the cork on our bottle of wine. Alas, it was
not to be.
Before we left the office, I gave a copy of my July
2018 Foolish Times piece to the young woman
who’d scheduled the tour, telling her that I write for
a Monterey County humor paper and that I’d done
a piece on his father. She took the folded paper with
a smile and thanked me. I didn’t know if anyone
would read it, but it didn’t hurt to try.
So there I was that winter day, close . . . again.
He was surrounded by people, so I took a
few pictures of him from a distance. . . just
to prove that he’d been there and that I’d
been close . . . again. I was pleased that he
was there supporting women. I probably
could have approached him, but I didn’t
want to be one of “those” people—the
pushy opportunists who light on notable
people like a vulture on a fresh carcass.
The March proceeded with twists and
turns through the streets, down alleys,
bottle necking in certain spots, slowing
At the last
of the walk,
we had to
stop. To my
left, out of
of my eye,
I saw him step next
to me. Right next
to me! Bingo! I’d
been presented with
an opportunity I
couldn’t pass up. I
could engage him
without being one
of “those” people. I pulled my phone out of my
pocket and said out loud, “I’m not going to let
this opportunity pass me by!” A woman who’d
been walking with him offered to take our picture
together, so I handed her my phone. I hope I
remembered to thank her, but I’m not sure. It all
went so fast.
In a manner uncharacteristic of me, I gushed,
telling about my
visit to his D.C.
I didn’t want
to be one
who light on
like a vulture
on a fresh
office the prior
April. He seemed
surprised that we
hadn’t already had
a picture taken
together while I
was there. I tried
to convey that I
he was busy and
had work to attend
trying to hold still
for pictures. He
looks great in all
the pictures taken,
but the last few
show my mouth in
as I continued
to talk. I told him I appreciated his efforts on our
behalf, received my phone back and was on my
way. Within seconds, a tall, gray-haired woman
called him and as he arrived in her presence, she
embraced him heartily and planted an enthusiastic
smacker of a kiss on his cheek (this was pre-
COVID). I hope she was at least a good family
friend; otherwise . . . vulture?
So you see, desired things can
come to those who wait—and don’t
pounce. I finally got to talk to, and get
a picture with, Jimmy Panetta. And I
was able to have a more meaningful
encounter with him than I’d had with
his Father, Leon, over 40 years prior-
-when I worked at Jack in the Box as
a teen and served him a Jumbo Jack
through the drivethru. And I didn’t
have to get a job at In-N-Out Burger to
do it (see Foolish Times July 2018)!
10 \\ Foolish Times
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
// Robyn Justo
What were you thinking at 8:22 am on June 14,
1982? Can you recall? Was it important?
It might have been about being late for a college
class, or wondering what you might have for
breakfast, or how you were going to handle a client
Unless it was your birthday, anniversary, or you
were arrested after a night of wild partying, it is
probably damn near impossible to recall. It was
like one of those thought bubbles hanging over
your favorite Charles Schultz cartoon characters.
They are long gone just like Charles.
When we look up into space, we see an infinite
sky filled with stars. We’re told that most have
long died out and all we are seeing is the afterglow.
Hmmm. Kind of a cosmic déjà vu.
It makes me wonder what it might be like from
space, looking down on Earth and seeing a rotating
ball, a revolving door of human existence. If you
want a bit of that experience, hop on Google Earth,
soon to be replaced by Google Galaxy, Google
Universe, and Google Infinity.
Back to the thought bubbles. Where have they
gone? They are more fleeting than even we are,
evaporating into an unseen
My point is that our thoughts,
our beliefs, and even sometimes
our values change. Sometimes
they solidify into a bronze statue
of a man on a horse or a guy
with a big gun. And even those
disappear, get destroyed, or
simply burn out. A confederate
statue that was once meaningful
to somebody is now no more
than a great place to pee for a
German Shepherd on a long walk with its human.
There are no “sides” unless one is in a box.
Humans on Earth
have been on a round planet but have insisted that
it is divided into sides based on fleeting thought
Round planet, infinite skies, stars that burn
out. There is no “there.”
There is only here. Heaven
“Will go away
like things go
isn’t up, Hell isn’t down. It’s
right here, folks. As Trump
says, Covid-19 “Will go
away like things go away.”
(Thought bubble over my
little head right now: Then
why doesn’t HE?)
Hang out with me in the
humility of the afterglow
that we will soon be or
already are, depending on
the view and the distance.
September 2020 // 11
Why is the blonde purchase an AM radio?
She didn’t want one for nights.
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing
Why can’t a blonde write the number eleven?
She doesn’t know what number came first
A blonde is watching KION News with her husband
when the Dan Green says, “Six Brazilian men die in
a skydiving accident.”
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing,
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Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but
they were skydiving, and there is always that risk
involved.” The blonde, still sobbing, says, “How
many is a Brazilian?”
Did you hear about the blonde who gave birth to
Her husband in out looking for the other guy
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
She wanted to see what was on the other side
What do you call 24 blondes in a box?
A case of empties
“May I take your
order?” the blonde
“Yes, how do you
“Nothing special sir,”
she replied, “we just
tell them straight out
that they’re going to
How do you keep a blonde home?
Build a circular driveway
Where do blonde go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden
Why are blondes hurt by people’s words?
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries
A blonde walks into Hedi’s Shoe Store and tries on
a pair of shoes.
“How do they feel?” asks the salesclerk.
“They feel a bit tight,” replies the blonde.
“Try pulling the tongue out,” offers the clerk.
“Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They are born that way
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12 \\ Foolish Times
"Smashed, Bashed and Trashed"
Written and Illustrated by
Dana B. Larrabee
Previously: Malcolm D. Monster promises ad man Lester Krasse two million dollars to deliver a marauding T. Rex to
promote his new Salinas Monster Mart store. But when despite Army tank fire, the creature escapes clutching teenager
Neil Scallopini to wreak havoc on Salinas, it takes Air Force jets to subdue it with tranquilizer dart-tipped missiles, and
the T. Rex and Neil are incarcerated. Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart,
and local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is KTOM radio’s Sue Foxx. CEO Monster nixes Krasse’s fake
dinosaur commercial, insisting on the real deal. Undaunted, Krasse convinces Sheriff Naylor to release the creature on
a “work furlough” for Monster Mart’s commercial starring the heavilly sedated GODZELDA. When Neil sees it, he reveals
how the T.Rex came out of his iceberg hunting expedition for the Icily Nicely Ice Co., and demands to be released. Later
when Captain Horatio Algae corroborates his fantastic story, Neil regains his freedom, and just as Monster Mart’s Grand
Opening commences he learns from Felicia Nicely how Lester Krasse defrauded the company. So Neil sets off for Monster
Mart in the Karmann Ghia he and his father restored to find Krasse and get Felicia’s money back. Dr. Quayle finally
arrives for Godzelda’s morning injection, and bumps in to Neil on the way in, and when Krasse learns Neil is in the store
sends security guards after him who disguise themselves as shoppers and prepare to apprehend Neil. Unfortunately,
Malcolm D. Monster receives GODZELDA’S tranquilizer injection by mistake, GODZELDA breaks free of her chains and...
an inflated rubber raft. When it
drifted by KAKA TV’s equipment, he abandoned
ship for a perch on their camera crane. Soaking
wet and hopping mad, he could only watch helplessly
while the TV crew recorded the monster’s
rampage. “What a disaster,” he muttered. “We
could all lose our jobs over this.”
“Not to mention our lives,” commented the camera
Clasped in the warm folds of Godzelda’s scaly skin,
Neil couldn’t see what was happening. He struggled and
gasped for breath and was momentarily overcome by the
dinosaur’s musky scent. The creature lurched on, and he
could hear displays topple and crash.
While some in the audience were frightened and leaving,
most were transfixed by the unusual spectacle and
oblivious to any danger. Everyone laughed when the
dinosaur’s tail-thrashing sent more displays tumbling, all
in uncanny synchronization to the Tchaikovsky symphony
Rodney had blaring throughout the store. It was quite different
from the show Krasse had planned, but the crowd
was loving it.
Peterson was not. The creature was fast approaching
the Roadkill Radial tire display, which under his personal
direction, had taken two full days to erect. Godzelda
paused before the monumental tire pyramid, eyed it
quizzically, sniffed at it, then tentatively extended a single
talon, hooked a tire and extracted it from the display.
Peterson averted his eyes. He couldn’t bear to watch the
inevitable collapse which sent hundreds of tires hurtling
to the floor, bouncing and rolling crazily in all directions.
COPYRIGHT 2020 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED
Jerry Peterson coughed and
spluttered with a nose full
of soft drink. He had nearly
drowned in the Croaker
Cola flood. Fortunately, the
current pulled him through
the sporting goods section
where he was able to
Momentarily dismayed by the commotion, Godzelda froze
in her tracks, clutching Neil in one paw and daintily holding
the tire as one might a jelly doughnut with the other.
Peterson unhappily surveyed the mess. Thousands of
tires were rolling every which way and littering the mall.
“What will I tell Mr. Monster?” he moaned. “And the tire
people? They’ll be furious!”
His fretting was drowned out by laughter and applause.
Godzelda was on the move again, dizzily smashing,
bashing and trashing her way through Monster Mart. A
bit wobbly on her feet, the creature was apparently still
under the influence of Dr. Quayle’s earlier injections. She
loosened her grip on Neil enough so he could turn and
witness the phenomenal chaos below.
This is all that slime-ball ad man’s doing, he thought
and wondered where Krasse was. If the dinosaur would
just settle down and cooperate, maybe everything would
be okay. After all, he’d been able to direct the creature’s
actions somewhat in the cemetery just before the dinosaur
was subdued by the Air Force jets’ tranquilizer missiles.
“Come on, Godzelda,” he said coaxingly as one might
to a pet. “Let’s go find that Lester Krasse!” The teenager
pointed down the next aisle. “Let’s go.” He tried to sound
a lot more in command than he actually felt.
The creature gazed down at the small one. “Ffwhhuff?”
she snorted. Now what?
“Come on,” Neil repeated. “That way!” He pointed down
the aisle again. Godzelda cocked her head and stared at
“Hey, let’s GO!” Neil grabbed a fold of skin at the creature’s
wrist and tugged with one hand while he beckoned
with the other. Godzelda’s eyes narrowed to observe the
perspiring teenager more closely. “Easy, easy now,” he
said, returning her stare. “Everything’s cool. We just want
to move ourselves that-a-way. Unless, of course, you’d
rather let me find that Krasse guy myself.”
A low rumble emanated from the creature’s throat and
Neil felt her giant fingers tighten about him.
“No, no!” he wheezed. “Bad idea... Very bad idea! Forget
it! Just-- just take us outta here, okay?”
Godzelda’s steely gaze shifted from the boy to the store
beyond. “That’s it!” He pointed down the aisle. “There!”
The dinosaur wagged its tail which slammed into a tower
of Porkinson’s canned hams. Clung-clung-clunka-nungclung-clunk!
Hundreds of the yellow tins spilled onto
the floor, when with a snarl, the Tyrannosaurus charged
Episode 23 Yellow Streak
All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net
September 2020 // 13
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors
Laundry and AP Vacuuming.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on lunch.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they
don’t live in a swing state.
Poll during this pandemic finds 65% of husbands
are doing the majority of homeschooling and childcaretaking.
2% of wives agree.
What do you call it when a homeschool parent talks to
A parent-teacher conference.
My son and I got into an argument about the education
system. He went on a rant about how education in
America is broken and asked me, “Who’s running the
“Your mom,” I replied.
and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in
the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and
“All right, son.” asked the father, “what lesson did you
“I learned that if you drink alcohol, you will not have
If schools stay closed much longer, I’m worried we’re
going to start seeing homeschool shootings.
I just did twenty minutes of exercises with my fourth
grader. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your favorite
charity in my memory.
25 years from now kids everywhere will be like, “I
remember the spring of 2020, that’s when I learned
how much liquor it takes to be a parent”
Q: What is a forum?
A: Two-um plus two-um
Q: What room can a
student never enter?
A: A Mushroom
Q: What was Camelot?
A: A place where people
parked their camels
Q: What holds the sun up
in the sky?
Q: What object is king of
A: The ruler
Q: What vegetables to
A: Quiet peas
A kid came home to find his parents sitting at a table,
“Son, you’ve been expelled.”
“But I’m homeschooled!”
“That’s the point. Now get out.”
What a crazy world, my ten year old just requested
that I stop being loud and crazy
because she has a call at 11am
with her teacher.
I’m starting a Go Fund Me to
teach my twin boys math.
It’s called, “Making the little
A father was trying to teach
his young son a science lesson
using the evils of alcohol. He
put one worm in a glass of water
TUNE IN 9-10AM
Every Saturday morning
also streaming on
Q. What did the algebra
book say to the science
A: Boy, do I have
Q: Where do people learn
to make ice cream?
A: In sundae school
Q. Why did the echo get
A: It kept answering
Q: Why did the clock in
the cafeteria run slow?
A: It always went back
14 \\ Foolish Times
My girlfriend felt sorry for getting anger and
throwing red wine over all my clothes in the closet.
She said that she spent all day getting the stains
out just to show how much I mean to her.
I asked her what she used to remove the stains.
“Scissors,” she replied.
A woman was telling her friend, “It was I who
made my husband a millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?”
asked the friend.
The woman replied, “A multi-millionaire”.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying
about them getting there safely.
A bus full of women going Chuck Chaney crashed
with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week,
but one husband continued for more than two
weeks. When asked he replied miserably, “My wife
missed the bus.”
Stanford studies have determined that the most
often used sexual position for married couples is
the “doggie position”. The husband sits up and begs
and the wife rolls over
and plays dead.
grave. The man kept repeating, “Why did you have
to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man
approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to
interfere with your private grief but for whom do
you mourn so deeply? The mourner took a moment
to collect himself and replied, “My wife’s first
My dream woman has a special combination of
inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly,
too naive to know she’s way out of my league.
I think my girlfriend has
a blind fetish. Last night
she said we should stop
seeing each other.
A good friend of mine was down in the dumps so I
asked what was wrong.
“It’s my girlfriend.”
“What’s the problem?”
“When I asked her if she could learn to love me,
she asked me how much I was
willing to spend on her education.”
A man placed flowers on
the grave of his dearly
departed mother and
started back toward his
car when his attention
was diverted to another
man kneeling at a
To be happy with a man, you must
understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love
her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Last Friday came home and was greeted
by my wife dressed in stunningly sexy
“Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can
do anything you want.”
I tied her up and went golfing.
September 2020 // 15
// Nancy Pyzel
Do you feel overwhelmed by the glut of gadgets
claiming to boil, bake, broil, barbeque, deep fry,
air fry, stir fry, melt, muddle, defrost and distill
without breaking a sweat? You’re not alone. These
days, every gadget is marketed as “smart”. Widget
makers are like proud parents who pronounce
their babies prodigies. No baby, or appliance, is
ever called “average”. Just because a contraption is
smart, doesn’t mean we are smart to buy it.
Smart buy or not? Home Beautiful’s list of the
appliances they want you to think you need:
The home automatic soap dispenser is
just like the ones you confront in airport
and office restrooms. This smart-ass
gismo refuses to dispense soap when you
wildly wave your hands under its little
nostril. Then it launches a great gob
of foam onto your sleeve while you are
trying to rinse your hands. Yeah, I really
don’t think I need one of those at home.
However, I would pay for a video of
people in airport restrooms doing battle
with soap dispensers.
“Drop Scale” looks like a white petri
dish with a red rubber lid. Its simple,
retro style belies the magic and wonder
under the rubber. Whatever is inside
(Penicillin mold? elves?) talks to your
iPhone, weighs ingredients, and helps
you substitute stuff you already have for those
hard-to-find items in recipes. So that’s where
garlic ice cream came from.
The automatic pan stirrer is a three legged robot
that pirouettes around your pan of Hollandaise
sauce. Something about its design makes it
look like a mischievous, mechanical gremlin. It
reminds me of Mickey’s broom in “The Sorcerer’s
Apprentice”. Let it stir your sauce, but don’t you
dare turn your back on it!
“Sous Vide” is both a gadget and a style of
cooking. It is touted as the great secret of famous
chefs. “Sous” is French for “under” and “vide”
means “empty”. So “sous vide” should mean “under
empty”, a good term for our bank accounts when
we buy too many smart devices. The Sous Vide is
actually a wand you stick in a pot of water and - you
this - it boils
The only time I
want to talk to
is when it burns
pretty sure what
I want to say isn’t
in the app.”
I would have
just turned the
stove on, but
not as smart as
brews a pot
when I give the
my phone. But
what I really
want is a butler to pour a cup and serve it to me in
bed. I’ll wait for version 2.0.
Then there is the smart, internet-connected
blender. Why would a blender need to connect
to the internet? Does it need to take virtual spin
classes to stay in shape for Margarita night? Order
now! You don’t want
a blender with a
The “GeniCan Scanner” attaches to your recycle
or trash can, scans items you throw away and
automatically adds them to your shopping list.
This could be too much information if you live with
housemates, but helpful if you have a teenager. You
will know when your teen has had a party since
your shopping list will consist of vape refills, Oreos
and cheap beer.
For just $300 you can own a toaster with a
touch screen-because pushing down the handle
on the side is too much work. One ad says, “If
you’ve ever wished you could simply talk to your
microwave, now’s your chance.” The only time
I want to talk to my microwave is when it burns
popcorn. I’m pretty sure what I want to say isn’t in
“Instant Pot” is the appliance Jack of All
Trades so it must have a massive electronic brain.
We humans only use a small percentage of our
brains. We use an even smaller part of our phone’s
brains. My phone can do lots of stuff I don’t even
understand. Yet built-in obsolescence forces me
to keep buying a new phone with even more stuff
I’ll never use. The do-it-all appliance may face the
phone’s fate, periodically replaced by a shiny new
one with more uses and less use.
I can think of three reasons for smart
• Retailers can triple their profits
• Marketing firms can sell your shopping-pattern data
• Built-in obsolescence means repeat buying
None of these reasons benefit you. If you are an
early adopter or influencer and get paid for raving
about smart appliances on your blog, go ahead
and splurge. Just make sure you have enough
bandwidth and real estate on your counter for your
I’ll stick with appliances that stay
off the net and are not smart enough
to spy on me. My cast iron skillet has
fried fish in a campground, melted
brie for fancy dinners, and sautéed
omelets for lazy Sunday mornings. It
will be be fully functional for another
30 years, and it has never once ratted
me out to the condiment Nazis for
using too much hot sauce.
Now, about that butler...
16 \\ Foolish Times
his Black Life
Matter for all of
who knew Dread
Dread used his
genius to support
organizers, to the mayors, city councilors, county
supervisors, to service providers, and regional
politicians. He networked with for a better world
with his humanity and art.
A Real People’s Arts Hero
I got to know Dread as our photojournalist
around 2015 for Voices of the Street/Voces de
la Calle, the free speech and
arts homeless newspaper out
of the CSUMB Chinatown
Community Learning Center.
Dread’s photos accompanied
many of our articles and covers.
When we transitioned to the
Salinas Living Poetry and Prose
Project, Dread documented
our authors’ events, from Arts
Council Champions Galas to
Steinbeck, Chavez, and
King City library readings and workshops, First
Night Monterey, Greenfield Harvest Festivals,
performances at Alisal Center for the Fine Arts,
Camino del Arte events at Closter and Natividad
parks, Salinas First
Friday Art Walks, and
Noche Bohemia at
Sherwood Hall. Dread
would do the photos.
Life takes a team, for
example, three or four
Musketeers. Wes White
would do the videos.
Pamela Weston and
Rita Acosta would take
the lead in advocacy.
Dread’s photos grace
a team, for
three or four
Rita’s photo history Make a Difference/Haz Una
Diferencia documenting the 2014 effort to establish
Tents by the Garden, a homeless led encampment
with hygienic access.
Dread McCall stood up for
himself with wry humor. I
remember the time we were
hanging the Youth Center
Murals with Linda P. Hevern
in the Monterey Room at the
County Building on Alisal
St. when Van Gresham erred
on the side of what may have
appeared white privilege and
critiqued Dreads art hanging
technique. Dread gracious gave up his perch and
invited the big fella to do better himself. Dread
texted me from the LULAC (League of United
Latin American Citizens) meeting he was
documenting with Wes White the afternoon before
Say His Name! Dread McCall
His friends are lobbying to get the new county
homeless emergency housing facility named
for Dread McCall. Maybe you could let your
supervisors know it’s a good idea.
September 2020 // 17
And Now From
Howdy! I’ll have my usual short stack, extra syrup,
and double side of bacon, crisp. Oh, wait… silly
me, I’m channeling Porky Pig again. This intro is
brought to you by Oscar Mayer Bacon, providing a
double-dip of Eeewww to start us off.
I don’t have a dick. But I can act like one. My
joy and curse of this incremental change began
as a good little kid who had a lazy eye and a false
tooth, loved horses and books, and prayed a
ridiculous amount of time over her “sins.” As a
teen, classmates referred to me as “sweet.” Fast
forward past all the yippees and yuckies in the
journey, and here we are, still hunting for laughs.
And if we stray too far into dickness? Surely, our
childhood prayers and penance are still valid and
will save our flabby sinful asses. This paragraph
is sponsored by the Plural Pronoun, so damn
handy for blurring personal accountability. Here’s
our September treasure chest of spiritual gems in
“DILLIGS!?” (“Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t!?”)
QUESTION: Sometimes on Zoom, people do
distracting or embarrassing things. Should I send
them a private chat?
DILLIGS: Are you crazy!? Relax and
enjoy the scant grasses and pebbled
craters that are actually sudden closeups
of Bill’s bald, scabby head. Breathe
mindfully as Paulette fills her recliner—
and the camera—with hippo legs akimbo.
This disturbing image is made possible
by the series, “Call the Midwife!”
QUESTION: I saw a joke about Snow
White’s friend Sneezy being quarantined.
What about the other six?
DILLIGS: Dopey, anti-masker now on ventilator;
Doc is a “leaker” at the CDC; Happy moved to
Grumpy sells CBD.
And Bashful? Spotted
at a protest, he was
the only three-foot
storm trooper who
dropped his rifle and
ran whimpering into
the Wall of Moms.
They gave him
cookies and a hug.
back to work but the
social contact is weird now, making me equalparts
happy and fried. Suggestions?
DILLIGS: Dress for success! I too need to (1)
repel bullsh*t, (2) calm myself, and (3) survive the
whiplash of sudden laughs. Luckily I snagged a
darling fashion ensemble at Victoria’s Secret, in the
seniors closeout bin. Now I’m
struttin’ pretty in French-cut
hip waders and a sequinned
I can act
neck brace, both endorsed by
Dr. Deborah Birx. And I’m one
calm little heifer, thanks to
QUESTION: Is it hard to get
DILLIGS: Nah, it’s easy!
Compared to humility. This
tidbit is brought to you by the
words, “Person, woman, man, camera, TV.” Yeah,
in that order.
QUESTION: What if the president loses in
November but won’t leave?
DILLIGS: My sources tell me that circus
veterinarians will close in with tranquilizer darts
normally used to fell a rabid rhino. To expedite
a dignified exit, a front-end loader will then
transport the flaccid prez to a waiting helicopter.
With the drugged lump dangling in a net, the
helo will fly to an undisclosed wilderness for eartagging
and release. Perhaps, near Yose-mittens.
This ray of hope is co-sponsored by A-1 Aerial
Waste Removal, and “Orange-B-Gone” Colon
18 \\ Foolish Times
A Scorpion, being a lousy swimmer, asked a Turtle
to carry Him on his back across a river.
“But you’ll sting me and I’ll drown!” said the
The Scorpion laughed. “If I were to sting you, we
would BOTH drown! That’s hardly logical!”
“All right, then!” said the Turtle. “Hop on!”
The Scorpion climbed aboard. But less than
halfway across the lake, he stung the Turtle, and
they both sank to the bottom.
As they were dying, the Turtle said, “If stinging
me wasn’t logical, why did you do it??”
The Scorpion replied, “It’s not about logic. It’s
simply my nature! It’s who I am; it’s what I do!”
Fast forward to our coronavirus pandemic. A
generation of dedicated party goers and pleasure
seekers, apparently indifferent to the horror
and human tragedy happening all around them,
demanded to know why their places of recreation
had been shut down or restricted, why curfews
were being imposed, and how political leaders
would dare infringe upon their sacred, inalienable
right to do as they pleased.
Health authorities told them repeatedly that the
key to saving lives and shortening this crisis rested
squarely with them—and with
their willingness to comply with an
embarrassingly simple set of safety
protocols: Avoid large assemblies,
keep your distance, wash your
hands...and WEAR A FREAKING
MASK!!! How difficult was that??
Nevertheless, while doctors and
healthcare workers were sacrificed
their lives battling the disease
and treating those afflicted with
it, these revelers continued to
flaunt their lifestyle with gusto
and complete abandon, as though
their personal freedom took
precedence over anyone else’s.
More stiff-necked and contemptuous than ever,
they partied and
and assembled en
mass in streets and
to be told what to do,
or deny themselves
one smidgen of selfentitlement.
they eventually sank
under the weight of
their own liberty,
dragging the rest
of world down with
Call it the terrifying inevitability of one’s
own demise: an insensate, unreasoning entity,
driven by impulses over which it has no control,
drawn like a moth to a flame, elevating denial
to a religious experience.
Picture a hundred
It’s not about
who I am; it’s
what I do!”
million such entities set
in motion—swarms of
upon the choice pleasure
spots, like mindless locusts
that can neither abort
their mission nor rethink
their destination, fueled by
instinct, lacking restraint,
oblivious to warnings, to
pleas, to the obvious perils,
to the devastation they’re
spreading throughout their community, to the
fact that their recklessness is prolonging the crisis
Behold, the face of defiance and unbridled
willfulness—unperturbed by statistics, disdainful
of intervention, bereft of sympathy—the face
that sank a million lives, a million jobs, a million
dreams, a million futures; the face that could
bring civilization to its knees. A face without a
conscience. A face without a mask!
Why, in the light of such mortal danger to
themselves and others—with the number of
positive cases rising exponentially, with hospitals
and ICUs stretched beyond capacity, and innocent
folks perishing all around them—would these
rebels so pigheadedly refuse to follow the simplest,
most rational course of action to inhibit the spread
of this virus and bring the crisis to an end?
As the Scorpion would say, “I’m NOT
rational. This is my nature! It’s who I
am; it’s what I do!”
// Richard Stockton
What came first, the comedy or the music?
When I was a child I really wanted to grow up to
be a performer in vaudeville. Early I resigned to the
fact that I was born forty years too late. I still read
every book on the Marx Brothers, Fred Allen and
Jack Benny that I could find. I was captivated in
my teens by Bill Cosby, and I was one of the last to
accept the truth of his monstrous side.
I first start playing the guitar at nine and was
swept up in the folk music revolution. Bob Dylan’s
lyrics rattled around in my head all the time. There
was more than a little envy and my adoration was
not completely healthy; I would have dreams where
my girlfriend would be unfaithful to me by sleeping
with Bob Dylan.
This is what a four year degree from UCSC
qualifies you to do?
I did not get a four year degree from UCSC. At
UCSC I studied fingerpicking guitar styles and
drugs. That led to a lot of construction jobs. The
only thing I took away from UCSC offerings was
while listening to Timothy Leary on the Merrill
College quad. Dr. Leary told us, “Use your life for
an experiment. If your life is not an experiment
it will be wasted.” I took his words to heart. This
value is what I got from UCSC, as well as a draft
deferment until the draft lottery came along. I
dropped out to change the world with my folk
music. This lead to getting really good with a
In the mid-seventies the lounge-folk-singerclub-scene
exploded in California and I got work
playing seven nights a week, four hours a night in
lounges. I discovered that I could hold the crowd’s
attention if I told jokes between the songs. I stole
jokes from everywhere and everyone. Three jokes
and a song, repeat ‘til midnight.
I started writing my own material and January
1, 1986 I committed to being a full time standup
comic. I had made it into vaudeville at last.
electric chair that was waiting for him.
In 1992 I was doing one-nighters across the midwest
and for a gig in a tiny Iowa town the booker
had simply listed the start time and the name of
the town. I asked people on the street where a
comedy show might be that night and they pointed
at a boarded up building with a low roof.
The stage had a brass pole in its center and the
clientele were all men. Apparently I was expected
to perform between strip acts. I was amazed that I
actually got paid for this.
How are you staying busy at home in
It’s been a time to reset myself. Every morning I
write on my book of short stories, working title:
Santa Cruz Stories. The only stages I have are
virtual and I make videos in pursuit of my own You
Tube channel: Richard Stockton Comedy.
Lately I’ve started working on my live act
which is kind of a return to the lounge. It’s a mix
of standup and music. I’m working on an original
tune called “High Functioning Drug Addict” that
loops into a danceable groove. At that point I will
put on my Trump mask to dance around with a
bottle of Clorox, have him drink the Clorox and
then fall down and die. Freddie Mercury of Queen
said that the key to success is to give people what
Who are your comedy influencers?
Bill Cosby started my madness. I’ve seen him
perform six times.
Steve Martin was life changing. I have never
been able to go to a Steve Martin concert, I’m
afraid that if I saw him live I would pass out.
Watching Steven Wright taught me to trust my
September 2020 // 19
quiet comedic voice.
Jim Carrey and Sam Kinison taught me that
there is no such thing as too far over the top.
I personally knew Bill Hicks and from Bill I
learned that courage doesn’t necessarily need to
come from a bottle of booze.
Fried Comedy News is a hit on KPIG.
How did this idea originate?
I’ve had a long time friendship with Ralph
Anybody. He is a comedian as well and decades ago
he used to perform with me. When I moved back
to Santa Cruz in 2003 I began bringing comedy
content to KPIG on a regular basis and got to know
everyone at the station. I love KPIG. I love the
music, the knowledge of the jocks, Sleepy John
and Ralph. I love everybody down there. I’ve been
playing Americana music all my life and getting
involved with The Pig feels like a dream.
The nuts and bolts was pitching a news/comedy
commentary idea to Laurie Roberts. I told her my
idea. She nodded, “I like it. Five days a week on
Ralph’s morning drive show. New rant every day,
have it relate to life in California and we’ll run
them at 6:30am & 8:30am Monday through Friday.
Start Monday.” I’m on four stations now
September 4th, you’re doing a live event
with an audience at El Vaquero Winery.
Outdoor Comedy and Tunes At El Vaquero
Winery. 6:00 to t8:00 pm on the corner of
Corralitos Road and Freedom Blvd. Entrance by
donation, exit by ransom.
The Cleanliness Next To Godliness Comedy
Extravaganza… standup comedy, boomer humor
tunes and delta blues guitar. Laughter, music, wine,
all at a safe distance.
House Rule: If you laugh so hard you pee your
pants, the El Vaquero staff is prepared to safely
clean up anything that hits the floor. We do have
Depends if you forget yours.
Limited Seating. Please call for reservations
You’ve been doing comedy for a long time.
What are some of the weirdest places
Prisons are always interesting what with the
captive audience. Before I was a full time standup
I had a job in Nashville radio as a talk show host.
In 1982 I was doing a documentary interview with
a guy on death row. He said I could interview him
in his cell if I would tell him three jokes. I don’t
remember the jokes I told him but I do remember
that from his cell you could look between his cell
bars and across the corridor you could see the
20 \\ Foolish Times
Trumpelstiltskin Has Struck Again!
The most recent Twitter was even more stunning.
“Ob Doc says it will be biggest, smartest, strongest
White House baby ever! Top that Old Joe Biden!
Listening, Pocahontas? And Little Mayor Pete,
lemme explain something.”
And then came “It could be twins. I’m sure I got
off a great shot, and
Mel gasped. Greatest
orgasm ever! Next
Many of the
of course, are
generation of beauty,
brilliance, and genius
Is it possible? Is
this why he has been
traveling alone more of
monitoring DC area
paint stores for sales
of blue and/or pink in
quantities large enough
for a potential nursery.
Sources inside baby
supply stores are
copies of orders for basinets and other natal
Another Twitter: “Grover Cleveland, great fellow,
good man, married a nice girl –and rumors of
previous Love Child were just Fake News- made
Baby Ruth….” “…. Get ready, candy companies,
the Trump Bump is gonna give you inspirations.
You know her name means ‘honey,’ I’ve heard in
whatever that language is she speaks with her
Interviews with Trump supporters have elicited
looks of awe, nudges and semi-subtle puns, and
flat-out amazed admiration. “He’s a real man, one
of us!” is the general theme, from men and women.
Meanwhile, from the Left, White House Security
has intercepted and deleted messages to the First
Lady’s e-mail account that have given names of
family planning clinics. Some, too, have criticized
her: “How could you let this happen?”
The same question could be put to
the American voters, not about the
rumored pregnancy so much as about
several of the past elections.
Yet another Twitter: “See what I can
do, Vlad! Hey, Kim, how’s your wife?
Angela, does this give you any ideas?”
The First Lady has been seen with
what appears to be a shocked look on
her face, mumbling in model-speak,
which has words from seven different
languages. Some words have a
harshness which might not indicate
actual distress, disappointment,
they just sound that
way. And the catch in
her voice may just be the
glottal stop some words
“Oh, yeah, I’m The
Man. Certified Stud.
Proven Sire. And
without ObamaCare or
special pills or diets.
most astounding Lover.
Bernie, how’s it hanging?”
“I’ve always said I’m an upstanding American. I
this proves it. Ha! Hug the Flag, Salute the
Of course, this is all open to interpretation.
Many of the President’s Tweets have a charming
of course, are
have to wait
September 2020 // 21
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
the menu, please?”
She throws a drink in his face. “The men I please
are none of your business!”
hand on my steak?”
“You want it to fall on the floor again?”
Two attorneys went to Melville Tavern and ordered
drinks. They each pulled out a sandwich from
their briefcases and started to eat. The waitress
marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your
own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged
their shoulders and exchanged sandwiches.
You don’t know the definition of heartbreak until
you see the waitress coming to your table with
food, but then take a sharp turn to a different table.
A guy in a restaurant stops a waitress as she passes
by his table.
“Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about
I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night
and the server gave me the cold shoulder.
It came with rice and a salad.
A server asked his two customers: “Red or white?”
The first said: “I’ll have red.”
The second said: “Me too. And make sure the
glass is clean.”
A few minutes later, the waiter came back with
the drinks and said, “Two red wines. Which one
asked for the clean glass?”
A server brings the customer a steak he with his
thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “with your
Overheard at the Breakfast Club:
Customer: “What are your specials?”
Waitress: “The beef tongue is very good today.”
Customer: “that sounds disgusting. I’d never eat
anything that came from an animal’s mouth.”
Waitress: “Okay. How about some eggs?”
What do you get when you cross a chef and a
A cold meal
I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud.
It should. It was fresh ground this morning.
22 \\ Foolish Times
from page 17
from page 10
Last year I took a trip to Toronto.
The morning after I arrived, I went down to this little
café for coffee.
The barista asked me, “Where are you from, eh?”
To which I replied “I’m from Monterey California.”
Then he asked, “Monterey, eh? Beautiful down there.
What can I get for you?”
I said “I’ll take the largest latte you have, please.”
She said “oh, you want a lot, eh?”
And I said “no thank you, just the latte.”
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September 2020 // 23
Joseph Jacinto ‘Jo’ Mora (1876-1947)
Thanks to Peter Hiller, Jo Mora Trust Collection curator, For information and educating
people about this impressive artist. Image courtesy of the Jo Mora Trust Archive
24 \\ Foolish Times
on the Cork