I hope October is as AWESOME
as my hair in high school...
Daria talks with
» Pg. 6
» Pg. 6
2 \\ Foolish Times
SPCA BENEFIT SHOP
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The Best in Repurposed, Consignments, Vintage & Thrift!
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2004 Monterey Fairgrounds Rd
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429 Alvarado St, Monterey
October 2020 // 3
What The Bleep
Is Foolish Times?
Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing
the best humor we can find (some months we search
harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed
by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish
Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their
extended families, or their friends or neighbors,
or their associated pen pals, up to and including
cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and
what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted
by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who
contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented
names in all its stories, except in cases where public
figures are being satirized. Any other use of real
names is accidental and coincidental.
Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa, Just David,
Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo,
Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Daria James,
Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana Larabee,
Peter Mehren, Pizza Delivery Guy, Nancy Pyzel,
Jay Russell, Gilly Spangler, Mary Tompsett, Sali
The Chucklehead Speaks
With Election Day approaching, we will be making choices that will influence our future. It
seems like the same things get rehashed every election; taxes, climate change, jobs, naughty foreign
leaders, and promises to do a better job than their opponent. If a candidate can do better than their
opponent, show me your track record and stop making promises like I have low self-esteem and I’m
three drinks in at happy hour. Do my best, not your best.
One thing we’re not going to do at Foolish Times is tell you what candidate to vote for. That
is your business and media shouldn’t be influencing you with their slant. Do your best, not their
best. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if American Indians had a stricter immigration
policy and kept us out.
Don’t get me wrong, we highly recommend that you vote. There is a ballot on page 5 to voice your
opinion on The Best Pizza in the County. We give you a head start with a list to decide for yourself a
topic we can all sink our teeth in. Pizza!
Pizza is very important and I’m bewildered why this hasn’t been a hot topic between
parties. Chicago Deep Dish, New York Thin Crust, St Louis Cracker Crust, New England Greek,
Detroit Square, California Style and all the unconventional toppings and the original Neapolitan.
There are so many choices and not one debate to narrow down which is the best. Probably because
they are all good. Even the use of pineapple is somehow OK.
Let’s all agree to unite as one party by accepting all the differences. There is more than one way
to ‘pie’ and we understand the true meaning of ‘party’. That is why we are the Pizza Party.
Stevie P. // firstname.lastname@example.org
Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon,
Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina,
David Schmidt, Monte Truitt, Megan & Miguel,
Jo Mora, The Unknown Carmel Cartoonist
FOR RATE INFORMATION:
For rat information, call your exterminator
List of Fools
Chucklehead // Stevie P.
Editor at Large // Javlis
Art Fool // Mama Morgan
Social Media Fool // Jordo
Web Fool // Zachy
Sales Fool // Michael
P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942
SLEET & SNOW
FROM PICKING UP
WE CAN SEND
IT DIRECTLY TO
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4 \\ Foolish Times
Eat It UP!
If food were fast, we would all be
running after it.
Great new menu items. Tantalize
your palate for a memorable dining
experience. Pickup // Delivery
429 Alvarado St, Monterey
I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find
something that was in the sea on a
menu in Monterey County, you’re
probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.
Crown & Anchor
Award-winning British owned &
operated pub nestled downtown.
Heated patio, plenty of outdoor
150 W Franklin St, Monterey
Monterey County is home to awardwinning
wine. You can’t go wrong
with anything from our region.
Enjoy a bottle while reading the
rest of the paper. Cheers!
Yangtse’s Taste of Thai
Inventive selection of Asian
inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning
328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas
Chicken, ribs, sandwiches
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Full Service Butcher Shop Featuring
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– The Higuera Family & Staff
831-375-9581 | 242 Forest Ave, Pacific Grove
Open Monday - Saturday 8–7pm | Sunday 9–6pm
to Your Door!
October 2020 // 5
OF A PIZZA
Delivering pizza was one of my first
jobs and one of my last. My quest for
finding a woman with a steady job
who could help pay more than her
share for the rent and didn’t mind
that my degree in basket weaving
from CSUMB barely qualified me for
the delivery job.
It’s hard to say how much money
I’m going to make during a shift.
Being a contractor, I basically depend
upon the gratitude of the person who
is receiving the delivery. Sending
your kid to the door to receive the
pizza is a technique parents use to
stiff me. Although other times I’ve
been completely unsuccessful in
predicting who will tip well or not.
I’ve been stiffed by the rich, the poor,
the young, the old, and even when
delivering to employees on duty
where they rely on tips themselves.
I’ve even been stiffed AND shorted
on the bill and had to cover the
shortfall out of my own pocket. You’d
expect some kind of look from them
when they leave you hanging but they
don’t even flinch. Sometimes they
smile like they gave you a huge tip
and you should be grateful. Luckily,
it all balances out and the average
tip is a few bucks dollars per pizza.
Being stiffed is not a good feeling
but thankfully there is always a big
tipper right around the corner to help
restore your faith in humanity and in
yourself and your ability to pay your
Pizza delivery times can
definitely vary but Friday from
5:30- 8:30pm seems to be the busiest
time. Summer, with lots of people
in town being the busiest season for
deliveries. Because almost everyone
wants pizza at the same time there
will inevitably be a time crunch and
the occasional late pie. This is where
I double as the mobile complaint
department. Who is to say what is
‘late’? Domino’s used to guarantee
30 minute delivery or your order
was free. That was before accidents,
speeding and reckless driving
citations increased for pizza delivery
drivers. One ticker can set you back
finically to the point of no return.
One of the most common
complaints is that I forgot the side
of ranch dressing. How does ranch
dressing come in to play for pizza
delivery anyway? What’s in this stuff
anyway that makes it so appealing as
a dipping sauce? I regretfully have
to admit that I’ve forgotten the ranch
on more than one occasion. The
most memorable time was when they
insisted that I drive back and get
their cherished side of ranch. Being
so far away from the restaurant, I
went to a nearby grocery and bought
them a whole damn bottle just to
satisfy the whinny customer. Where
they grateful? I rather not say.
People treat pizza like a life or
death situation and it wouldn’t be
right if I didn’t deliver their pizza like
a NASCAR driver or an ambulance.
Though it can be as stressful as brain
surgery at times, I found it to be one
of the most rewarding occupations
I’ve endured in nearly a half century
of working. The most advanced
behavioral science reveals that
human beings only need two things
to be happy; human connection and
meaningful work. And when it comes
to both of these things, nothing
delivers like pizza delivery.
6 \\ Foolish Times
& GOOD STORIES
An Interview With Comedian, Felipe Esparza
Felipe Esparza has been performing Stand-up
Comedy since the mid-90’s. After a stint in rehab,
he began telling his stories and getting laughs. He
has been outspoken about his bad habits and family
relations through his comedy. He speaks of what he
knows, and it comes from the heart. Some relatives
have told him, “That is not how it happened”
but we all have our side of the stories we lived.
Because the future is now, we talked over Zoom to
discuss his new Netflix special, Bad Decisions and
MalasDecisiones, (two specials for the price of one
Felipe translated and tested his Spanish material
in California clubs and Tijuana; he started with five
minutes and worked his way to an hour and half in
Daria: You have been doing comedy since the
mid-90’s. How has comedy changed from when
you were starting in the 90’s, and if you were
starting right now, what would the differences be?
Felipe: The difference now would be social media.
There was hardly any social media when I first
started, Yahoo messenger and that was it. I think
now people who start off Stand-up comedy,they
have it much easier because they can produce and
star in their own ten minute comedy special, or
two minutes or five minute one. If it’s really, really
funny that is all they need to become a star.
Which is the truth. That was the advice I got
when I first got started in Stand-up comedy. They
told me, ‘Felipe just write a five minute set and
don’t worry about forty-five minutes to an hour.
With a five minute set, you can get a lot of work
That is all I had at the beginning of my career, and
those five minutes got me a TV credit within a year
and half from when I started. I was on Showtime
in 1996 for the Latino Laugh Festival, a young
comedian show. I recently had Rob Schneider
on the podcast (What’s Up Fools) and he kind
redirected what I just said. He said someone also
told to him to just write five minutes. Those five
minutes got him on the Young Comedian’s Show
and SNL. So if you are starting now, don’t worry
about a forty -minute set, that will eventually
come. If you can just write a three minute or a four
minute set, you are good to go man.
CAL PIZZA KITCHEN
CHUCK E CHEESE
831.648.1038 (operators are standing by)
PO Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93940
PIZZA MY HEART
PIZZA MY WAY
RISE + ROAM PIZZA
RYLI’S & PAPA’S
SALINAS PIZZA & PINTS
Stuffing the pizza box is acceptable. Ballets will be tallied under the
supervision of the accounting office of Dewey Cheatem and Howe
Daria: Have you thought about writing a book?
Many comedians like George Carlin have written
books and they translated into a special. In your
Stand-up, you get so personal and I think some
people might find it painful to recall their past
growing up with the struggle, when the struggle
was real (laughs)
Felipe: That is funny you asking me that question
right now. I feel like Catherine O’hara in for your
consideration. You have all these gifts; don’t you
want to teach an acting class? I wouldn’t dare! (big
laugh) You know what? I should! When I think
about it, I should write a book about my life and
throw in comedy lessons, just like Ali Wong did in
her last book about Stand-up comedy. She gives
advice to female comics.
When I was reading the part in her book about
female comics, I felt bad that I never thought about
it, you know as a male comedian. Many times,
I’ve hung out with female comics at the end of the
show, whether we shooting the breeze, or smoking,
having a beer or eating. Then we say goodbye, I
never thought about how lonely or how scary it is
for female comedians. They have to walk back to
their cars at 3am. Ali Wong she talked about that in
her book. We have to back each other up. If I see a
female comic after we say goodbye, ‘Hey man, are
you gonna be alright? We can drive you or walk
with you if you want.’ Now that you asked me, I
should write things like that in my book.
October 2020 // 7
Daria: Yeah, how to be a gentleman.
Felipe: Little advice, like go hang out with people
you don’t know after a show. You just got paid cash,
you have a thousand dollars, they are going help
you spend it.
Daria: I would love to read a book by you and
learn. You have so much experience both in your
personal life and in comedy…
Felipe: Starting right now, Daria.
Daria: There you go, you can thank me later.
How has your life changed from your first special
They’re not going to laugh at your Bad Decisions
right now? How would you say you have evolved?
Felipe: I think my comedy has evolved from the
first special because the first special was given to
me by surprise. I was hanging out with Latin Kings
of comedy star Alex Raymundo, he was part of the
Latin Kings of comedy in DC and we’re talking
about comedy specials. I told him that I never had
a special, and he calls up his guy Scott Montoya
from Showtime and LOL. The next day, I get a call
from Alex. He says to get ready to do your first
special in two weeks. I mean just like that! I called
my manager and I told him they’re going to give
me a Showtime special so you better call them an
handle the business, so it happened so fast. I had
two weeks to prepare, so I just did all my material
I had ever have done. I didn’t care if it was on
YouTube and I just did it. I broke it down together
with my wife, my partner in crime, who has been
with me since the beginning, every special she has
produced and edit so that was hard.
The second special, we learned a lot from the
first special like do’s and don’ts. For the second
especial we put up our own money and it was
tougher than the first special, but at least I was
prepared this time. I knew what material was safe.
The third special was given to us. They offered
us a special for Netflix, but I threw in too. I want
to challenge myself so I asked if I can do it in
Spanish too. They were surprised that I do stand
up in Spanish. Yes,I lied, yes. I do it in Spanish all
the time! On the side! I was given nine months to
What I learned from the last three specials is
how to prepare myself better and be more focused
and have fun. The first one I was worried that
everything’s going come out wrong. The third
special is better,the hardest part was the Spanish.
Daria: How was it? I moved to America when
I was 18 years old and I considered myself to
be funny, but I noticed my humor was not fully
translating sometimes. Was it harder to make
the audience in Tijuana laugh over the crowds in
Felipe: First, I started in the bottom. Like I told
myself I’m not going to start doing this stand-up
comedy in Spanish as a guy that’s going go up last
and think he’s badass and try to do one hour of
Spanish that’s not funny, or waste time.
A lot of comedians who are famous I would say
all of ‘em, from Chappelle to Chris Rock to Louis
CK, Mike Epps,they walk in, interrupt the show
and they do an hour,and pretty much kill the show
for the other comedians that are supposed to go up.
I’ve been one of the comedians that was waiting to
go up and when a big comedian goes up and tries to
work out his one hour in front of our show, and that
is messed up. Like do it somewhere else and go do a
show! Book yourself and do two hours if you want.
The audience likes it; they get to see Chappelle do
three hours, now I have to wait until tomorrow to
I don’t want to be that comedian that pops in
and does forty-five minutes and this looks like a
comedy show that was there for somebody else,
so I don’t want to do that in Spanish. I want to
know who is the headliner of the show. A woman
from Mexico is going to headline. Ask her if I could
please open up and I’ll go ahead and promote that
I’m going be at her show.
I was doing five minutes at a time; I will go five
minutes and get off and then do fifteen and then
the headliner does an hour. I did that for like three
months until I got comfortable and then I said,
OK let me feature, so the headliner let me do 25
minutes and I don’t
want to go up first. I
want to go second and
they said all right.
Finally I said OK I’m
ready to do the whole
hour by myself, so
let’s set up a show
once a month here,
where you guys put
up all the Spanish
comedians you want
from Mexico or San
Diego. I will sell
tickets as the main
headliner in Spanish.
Just give the money
to the comedians. I
don’t want nothing so
that’s what I did it for
a whole year. I would
book myself and not
keep any of the money
just give it to the
In Bad Decisions,
Felipe takes us
through his struggles
and decision making
process has he
learned from his experiences, from buying hot
dogs for his dog, to his family dysfunctionalities,
no subject is taboo in his life to get laughs from. He
crosses over in Español with MalasDecisiones.
I recommend you watch both specials available on
I hahaha and then I jajaja, if you speak
Spanish, you know what I am talking about.
Cool fact: We both share a love for Sonoran
Photo Credit: Netflix Media
8 \\ Foolish Times
2020 Buskers’ Best Central
Coast Pizza Award Winners
Michael Houston with the
View from the Gutter
“Dis-moi ce que tu manges, je te dirai ce que tu es.”
Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, 1826
“You are what you eat, hippy scum.” was the
countersign of the counter-culture in the Golden
Years of Monterey Pop, macrobiotic diets, and
Adelle Davis, the high priestess of the early organic
food movement. Right on!
We’re under orders from Chucklehead here at
The Times to work “pizza” themes into our “Best
Article In Foolish Times This Month Competition”.
Some suspect that this is done in hope of winning
the hearts of more advertisers. (I’d first suspected
he’d gone Pizza-Gate-Q-anon-bonkers, decided
to play my part as mindlessly as possible.) Like
the good people at the Sermon on the Mount in
The Life of Brian, I felt compelled to elucidate
every conceivable conceptual variation of our
mispronounced classic Italian word for “pie”
Edgar Allan Poe like, I set me down to write
about any combination of starch in contact
something savory with (or without) meat or dairy
that came to mind. Fringe Sermon on the Mount
listener-like, I realized, or misunderstood, that
I needed to promote every regional purveyor of
relatively edible products having anything to do
flavored carbs. Somehow, it was my part in the war
What is pizza?
In this age of cultural relativism and culturally
diverse literacy and the lack there of, I knew I
couldn’t just write about an Italian
dish consisting of geometrically shaped
baked flatten dough topped or filled
with what was lying around tenement
kitchens in 19th century New York,
Philadelphia; contemporary street food
in Venice (Italia and SoCal); Milan; Ho
Chi Minh City; Jersey; Lima; Cork City;
Guanajuato; Orleans; New Orleans; the
Hague; Chiapas; Marrakech, Morocco;
or any strip mall, chicken wing joint
anywhere that tomatoes, cheese, meat,
fish, dubious vegetables or cracker
leftovers may be found. In other words,
if tostadas aren’t pizza then neither is raman or
the very Tower in Pisa itself!
Heretical Gnostic vs.
St. Jerome, circa 382, suggests that the Eucharist
puts us in instant union with all our fellow saints
via sacred unleavened bread. That’s a lovely idea
and touches the heart of even this fallen away altar
boy. Oddly enough, archeologist recently found
middens of a thousands of years old fast food
chicken shop in Jerusalem. That proves that pizza
and wings is a more primordial idea that we would
have imagined by just watching ads on TV.
Pizza Liberation Front,
“We Are All Pizza if not
Why be a purist pain-in-the-neck? Pizza is pizza! It
doesn’t become a calzone just because you fold the
tip of the slice to the crust butt! Remember corn
just meant grain before the insular Cockneys and
peasants got their gobs into maiz from Oaxaca.
Reflect. If a doubled over pizza is still pizza pie…
Ergo any startched-topped and/or bottomed
cooked delight also has the right to declare itself
So, Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, Pupusas,
Steak and Kidney Pies, Mashed Dutch French
Fries Drowned in Catsup or Mayonnaise, Sushi,
Nan with Humus,
Breaded Jelly Beans,
Empanadas, Falafels, Tamales, Calzones, Soft
Shell Crab Sandwiches, Souvlaki, Hominy Grits
and Butter, Oatmeal, Tacos, Khachapuri (Georgian
Cheese Bread), Fish and Chips, Dumplings, Canned
Cat Food in Bread Crumbs, Cherry Doughnuts,
Vietnamese Rice Noodle Salad, Chocolate Dipped
Popsicles, Chitlins, Kombucha on Toast, Sour
Dough Chowder Bowls, Smoothies in Ice Cream
Cones, Enchiladas, Khinkali, Jellied Eels in a Bun,
Pop Tarts, and Chow Mein are all free to be “pizza”
varietals, if that is their desire.
By contrast, “Sidewalk Pizza” is not pizza at
all. It’s vomit hurled up by amateur drinkers
outside pubs where the servers don’t care if the
management keeps its license or if respectful
patrons risk their lives and sick days slipping and
coming to serious grief! And don’t ask how the
carrot bits got there either.
And the Winners Are…
This year’s “Foolish Times Buskers’ Best
Pizza Awards” go to: Seaside Auto Center,
Pacheco’s Cleaning Services, Hans Auto Repair,
Del Monte Realty, Roof Maxx, Marina Beach Real
Estate, TRA Digital Designs, Destination 831,
Casa Dolores Wood Floors, J. Taylor Insurance,
Jeff’s Appliance Repair and Service, Trinkle Real
Estate, Lauris Wellness, SPCA Benefit Shop, AV
Transfer 4 –U, Bay Consignment, Yellow Brick
Road, Grove Market, Crown and Anchor, Shag
Bag Radio Show, Peninsula Tire, Fool On The
Curb, and email@example.com, 831-648-1038
October 2020 // 9
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone,
I automatically assume they’re talking about a
A smart man in a relationship is one who thinks
twice before saying nothing.
The difference between “Girlfriend” and “Girl
Friend” is that little space in between.
It’s called the “Friend Zone”.
A man admitted he lied on his income tax return:
he listed himself as the head of the household.
Date for lust. Get engaged for love. Marry because
you’re confident your spouse will never blow your
401k on a worm farm business.
You’ll never have a successful relationship with a
woman if you can’t tell the difference between a
smile and a warning.
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve
been admiring for a long time in a furniture store.
You may love it when you get it home but it doesn’t
always go with everything else in the house.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you
That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Never go to bed angry…or with a knife in your
We have a new neighbor who always kisses his wife
in the driveway when he leaves for work. My wife
asked my why don’t I do that. I told her it’s only
because I don’t know her that well.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a
date on Saturday night.
My wife of thirty years comes into the kitchen
feeling very down. “Honey just look at me. My legs
are heavy and my thighs are getting big. I could
really use a complement right about now.”
My replied, “You have really good eye sight!”
My girlfriend plays the role of the victim very well.
She even carries around her own body chalk.
I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me with
six different people in the past two weeks. I wasn’t
angry. I was impressed.
I came home early from work and found my best
friend and my wife in bed together.
“Jim I have to…but you?”
I asked my wife what the log I was for the
computer; She said di t was our anniversary date.
She did that on purpose.
My boyfriend is
me cry. I think
he’s more like an
onion than a real
wanted us to get
a Sleep Number
bed, so we went
and checked it out.
Turns out her sleep
number is 61, and
mine is $3500.
10 \\ Foolish Times
Zero Cheers for the
Winner, Play Ball!
// Jay Russell TheRaverTip.com
How will a baseball team celebrate winning the
World Series this year? Baseball just said no to
fizzling and spraying alcoholic beverages in locker
rooms. Will the champs get to dogpile on the
mound and smash pies in each other’s face? Or will
it be 2020 style? Will champagne showers turn into
Purell drizzling? I would imagine that might look a
little... x-rated. A little too glossy.
Furthermore, spitting, sunflower seeds and having
a fat worm lip of chew- not so much this year.
If I know anything, it’s that a ball player does two
things: spit and grab their crotch.
So an irrevocable license to crotch grab will be in
full effect. It’s the perfect year to get your girlfriend
into October Baseball.
Okay, so who has the advantage? Well obviously
the Oakland A’s. They have lots of experience playing
in empty stadiums, sadly. But, that’s no sleight to
us A’s fans. We the A’s fans may be scarce, but are
the best in all of sports- knowledgeable, chill, and
refreshingly not “bro.” A’s fans are not the typical
sportsball jock pieces, psychos or fake corporate “I
took off my sports coat, now I’m cool” yuppies.
The A’s also have Tom Hanks cardboard cutouts
all around the stadium selling cardboard hotdogs to
a stadium less crowded than Wilson Island,
talk about a funky vibe that can’t fail.
Anyway, the oddest thing about the corona-season
isn’t the silence at the stadium, but
the lack of it. Artificial crowd noise is broadcast
over the speakers at games. I wonder,
who is in charge of that, is it just one person?
Usually when you watch baseball you can tell
if something good or bad happened based on
the crowd reaction. Surely there are thousands
of rookie fans that cheer like it’s the
moon landing every time there’s a fly ball.
But for the truly big moments thousands of
baseball gurus and skeptics join in the cheers
with the rookies. So, does the crowd noise
activator have more
than one button?
Do they have the
sound effect for “a
bunch of nearsighted
newbs think this
is a homerun, but
the ball just went
intensity of the
does come down to
the opinion of one
person. Have some
teams chosen that
person as someone
legally blind, or
with a tendency for
sarcasm or alcoholism?
sure to be bloopers,
a full roar happens
gets hurt, or when
the button gets
jammed down with
cheers rain over a
moment of silence.
What I’m interested
in is: can the
crowd noise simulator boo the umpire or the other
team? It doesn’t seem like it through September, but
maybe in October? Unfortunately, the cheating Astros
don’t have to face 81 road games worth of name
calling this year after being revealed as a bunch of
integrity-less low lifes. If you are unaware, they used
cameras to see the type of pitch coming up and used
electronic buzzers and banged on trash cans to alert
their hitters of what was coming. Can the crowd
noise simulator boo the Astro’s every move? I still
have hope for 2020, but if the Astros win it all, I may
get an economy seat on that fat “2020 sucks” bandwagon
everyone seems to have taken residence on.
Even worse than the Astros winning would be no
though. If a
If I know
that a ball player
does two things:
spit and grab
gets sick in the
will they wait,
play sick or
plans are to go
to a “bubble”
for the second
round of the playoffs through the World Series, in
Southern California and Texas, getting rid of air
travel. But wait, you mean the current hottest spots
of coronavirus, So. Cal and Texas? Well, yeah, duh,
that’s what the NBA did by bubbling down in Florida,
hide in plain sight I guess. What would make
sense to me would be playing at that corn field from
Field of Dreams, making everyone sleep in a tent on
site and forage for themselves. Maybe airdrop some
jerky and potatoes down. That would be must see
TV, watching grown men with 9-figure salaries realize
all they know how to do is play baseball and flail
at trying to camp in a corn field for a month. It would
turn into Survivor, that TV show no one watches
anymore, or maybe Lord of the Flies.
The current bubble plan also requires players to
quarantine from their families for seven days before
the playoffs. Then, if their wives, kids and babysitters
want to join in the bubble for round two the
families have to quarantine for a week at a hotel. Excited
to see how that will go. Hundreds of millionaire
trophy wives, “what am I doing here” nannies and
trust fund kids all forsaking the outside world for
a week. Could they do it? Seven months into a pandemic,
how easy would it be for a big leaguer’s kid to
say ‘the hell with stupid dad’s team, I’m going out to
see Bill and Ted 4.” Supposedly, players and family
members will be under surveillance, weird. That’s
the plan though, that’s the world we live in. Hip-hip
hooray, the computers go wild. Play ball.
October 2020 // 11
Scout School Dropout
// Nancy Pyzel
When my daughter was ten I tried to be a Girl
Scout leader, but I didn’t have the buns for it.
Full disclosure – I am a member of that odd tribe
of women who would rather camp than shop.
Leader training camp sounded like a blast. I was
looking forward to a fun weekend with like-minded
women. The women I met at camp were my tribe,
alright, except the instructor. She must have been
former CIA. Her torture method was devastatingly
simple but effective. We were forced to sit on
hard, knotty logs listening to her lectures on camp
cooking for ten hours each day.
Surrounded by redwood forest, with the siren
song of a waterfall beckoning us to hike up the
trail and swim in its pool, we were, like Ulysses,
chained to our masts. After five hours, some of the
leaders-in-training offered their first born children
in exchange for a break. At this point our butts and
brains were so numb that we spent the next five
hours in a near-comatose state. Our instructor had
the buns for the job. She was amply endowed to sit
comfortably on a hard surface for a millennium.
When this torment finally ended, we were forced
to demonstrate our mastery of outdoor cooking
techniques. The alfresco menu included brownies
baked in a foil-covered box, potatoes roasted in an
open fire, and scrambled eggs boiled in a plastic
bag. The instructor sampled the
fare and critiqued our efforts.
If Michelin gives stars to
restaurant chefs, what do camp
chefs get? Little outhouses?
This was about as far
from my childhood scouting
experience as the moon is
from a burnt marshmallow.
When I was a girl scout, our
leader, the 22 year old mother
of a seven year old, had zero
training. None of us knew
this, or cared. Girl Scouts of
America must have decided that these young,
were not prepared
to take charge of 20
girls building fires in
the woods. What new
leaders needed was
Actually, at age
seven we mostly
did crafts. Still, this
involved scissors and
glue guns – arguably
just as dangerous as
knives and matches
for anyone under 30.
As we got older,
we eschewed crafts
for camping. One dry,
hot summer day our
troop was camping in
a Eucalyptus grove in
called “Gum Trees”
in Australia, produce
sap so flammable it
causes firestorms. The
boy scouts in the next
camp decided to save
matches by carrying
hot coals on a shovel
from one fire ring to another with incendiary
results. Organized by brave young moms, none
of whom could scramble eggs in a plastic bag, we
formed a bucket brigade and kept the fire from
spreading until the fire department showed up.
Like Pigpen in Peanuts, I always managed to
get dirtier than the
rest of the girls. After
gives stars to
what do camp
chefs get? Little
the fire encounter, I
wanted to impress
my mom, so I rubbed
charcoal in blotches
on my face, arms and
shirt. Mom just said
“Put your clothes in
the washer and take
a shower,” barely
glancing up from
her ironing. No one
notices if Pig-Pen is
dirtier than usual.
Mom was a great scout leader, though she never
had any official training. She was, and still is at 90,
tall, lean, smart, outdoorsy and serious. Everyone
called her “Miss Jane” after the character on the
Beverly Hillbillies. On one trip mom and I were
laying out a nature hike for a brownie troop. We
nearly stepped on a young rattlesnake basking on
the trail where dozens of seven-year-olds would
soon walk. At twelve I was a cadette and felt very
grown up, until I saw the snake. Mom calmly
picked up a rock, bashed the snake on the head,
cut the rattle off with her pocket knife and handed
it to me as if it were a wildflower (I still have the
rattle in a box next to my scout badges). These
days, killing a snake would not be environmentally
conscious. At the time, I was just glad to be alive.
What had happened to Girl Scouts between my
childhood and my daughter’s? Gone were the bands
of hatchet-carrying young trailblazers running
amuck in the forest. Gone were adventure, girldrama
and mud-encrusted jeans. Now Girl Scouts
seemed more like an outdoor version of “Hell’s
Kitchen.” My brother was a Boy Scout leader and
I’m pretty sure he didn’t spend all day in cooking
class. Boy scouts probably just roasted squirrels on
sticks. Or ordered pizza.
Leader Training Camp may have been torture,
but I’m not a quitter. I’m honing my scouting skills
for future granddaughters. This time, I’m going to
be ready. I’ve ordered the “Buns of Steel” Workout
and twelve gallons of ice cream.
12 \\ Foolish Times
There is a new site for senior citizen dating.
It’s called “I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.”
Internal medicine Dr. King says to his patient, “I’ll
need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood
The old man says, “What?”
So the doctor repeats himself in a louder tone,
“I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a
With that the old man’s wife turns to her
husband and says, “He needs a pair of your
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s
office. “Is it true that the medication you prescribed
to me has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior
lady replied, “I’m wondering just how serious is my
condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO
When an old person farts, it’s a blast from the past.
Santa Cruz comic Richard Stockton gets a gig to
perform at the Carmel Foundation.
Soon he notices that most of the old people
there are pretty out of it so he tells the same joke
twice and people still laugh because they already
forgotten that they just heard it.
He gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same
joke for the duration of his show and towards the
end of it, he notices that one old guy is staring at
Stockton is a bit nervous that the old guy is going
confront him about what he just did. As he braced
himself the old guy asked, “How do you remember
all those jokes?”
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What do you call an old person with really good
A couple of guys were golfing when one mentioned
that he was going to a dentist for a new set of
His buddy remarked that he too, had gone to the
very same dentist two years before.
“Is that so?” asked the first old guy. “Did he do a
The second oldster replied, “Well, let me put it
this way, I was on the golf course last week when
a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball
must have been going at least 100 mph when it
slammed me right in the groin.”
The first guy was confused and asked, “What
does that have to do with your dentures?”
“It was the first time in two years my dentures
What’s an old persons underwear taste like?
October 2020 // 13
Adapted from the Original Novella Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee firstname.lastname@example.org
Previously: Malcolm D. Monster promises ad man Lester Krasse two million dollars to deliver a marauding T. Rex to
promote his new Salinas Monster Mart store. But when despite Army tank fire, the creature escapes clutching teenager
Neil Scallopini to wreak havoc on Salinas, it takes Air Force jets to subdue it with tranquilizer dart-tipped missiles, and the
T. Rex and Neil are incarcerated. Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart, and
local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is KTOM radio’s Sue Foxx. CEO Monster nixes Krasse’s fake dinosaur
commercial, insisting on the real deal. Undaunted, Krasse convinces Sheriff Naylor to release the creature on a “work
furlough” for Monster Mart’s commercial starring the heavilly sedated GODZELDA. When Neil sees it, he reveals how the
T.Rex came out of his iceberg hunting expedition for the Icily Nicely Ice Co., and demands to be released. Later when
Captain Horatio Algae corroborates his fantastic story, Neil regains his freedom, and just as Monster Mart’s Grand Opening
commences he learns from Felicia Nicely how Lester Krasse defrauded the company. So Neil sets off for Monster Mart
in the Karmann Ghia he and his father restored to find Krasse and get Felicia’s money back. Dr. Quayle finally arrives for
Godzelda’s morning injection, and bumps in to Neil on the way in, and when Krasse learns Neil is in the store sends security
guards after him who disguise themselves as shoppers and prepare to apprehend Neil. Unfortunately, Malcolm D. Monster
receives GODZELDA’S tranquilizer injection by mistake, GODZELDA breaks free of her chains and...
Lester Krasse clung to the girdle display anxiously waiting for the
Croaker Cola tide to ebb. When it finally did, he dropped to the slippery
floor. “What a disaster!” Kiss that bonus good-bye, he thought and looked
for some way to get dry. A store directory pointed the way to Bath Accessories.
From behind the “TOWELS” sign, a cardboard replica of Godzelda
stared down at him. He shivered.
It was the “Godzelda” bath towel display he’d
helped Peterson assemble. Strung across it was a
clothesline to which they had fastened the colorful
“Godzelda” towels. They had hoped these would be
big sellers, but with the creature on the rampage,
the green Godzeldas on purple, blue, yellow and
orange terry-cloth gave him the creeps. He sneezed
and selected a plain yellow one from a different rack.
Then he ducked behind it to dry off.
Meanwhile, under Neil’s tentative direction, the real
Godzelda was obediently trotting up and down the aisles
searching for the ad man. Ahead of them sloshed a
woman with a shopping cart, hunting for the angel food
cake mix advertised at half-price. She scarcely noticed
the boy and the Tyrannosaurus.
But the sign posted on the wall overlooking the next
aisle had one youngster’s undivided attention:
It was illustrated with a drawing of Godzelda munching
away on a man’s arm. Despite the grisly admonition,
the nearby bin of Chocaroo candy bars was simply too
tempting for ten year-old Stevie Wunderlich. Furtively,
he looked up and down the aisle. Everyone was busy
buying stuff. What the heck? He swiped several and was
about to gobble one up, when he was horrified to see the
Tyrannosaurus staring down at him. “I’ll pay for ‘em!” he
shrieked, “Honest!” and off he fled screaming down the
Krasse hadn’t quite finished drying himself when he
saw the dinosaur towering above the stacks of drygoods
and rapidly moving his way. No time to dress, so
he knotted the yellow towel around his paunchy midriff
SHOPLIFTERS WILL BE EATEN!
COPYRIGHT 2020 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED
and bolted for the nearest exit.
The flash of yellow streaking down the aisle caught Godzelda’s
eye. “There he is!” Neil yelled triumphantly. “Get him!”
“GNNRRAAOOWWRRGHH!!!!” roared the monster.
“Eeyyeeaaaahhh!” shrieked Lester Krasse.
Godzelda burst through the stacks of canned soups
and vegetables and went galloping after the nearly naked
ad man. “Lemme outta here!” he yelled and unmindful
of staring shoppers, ducked down the Breakfast Food
“Mommy!” exclaimed a wide-eyed toddler. “That man
has no clothes on!”
“How nice,” murmured the young mother, totally absorbed
in her shopping. “And look!” Her glazed eyes
suddenly brightened. “Breakfast Cheer! Two for a dollareighty-nine!”
Not far away in the hardware section, Victor and Maude
Cobbopolous were shopping for a new toilet. They were
examining the latest Niagara “Hush Flusher” models with
gold plated fixtures when Lester Krasse dashed by.
“Hey, you work here?” Victor tried to get his attention,
but Krasse shot down the aisle and was gone. Seconds
later, Godzelda and Neil whizzed past. “Mercy!” cried
Maude. “That’s the dinosaur we saw on TV!”
“Hmmph!” Victor Cobbopolous grunted intently studying
the new toilet’s transparent tank and the patented
Hush Flusher system inside. He fingered the gold plated
handle. “Ya seen one Tyrannosaurus, Maudey, ya seen
‘em all,” he muttered, pressing it with a flourish. In
seconds the bowl had completely drained and re-filled
without even a gurgle. “Now that’s amazing!”
Krasse collapsed against the wall just short of the
main entrance. He fought to catch his breath and re-
tightened the towel around his tummy. Then he turned
to the door and found himself staring down the muzzle
of a two-hundred millimeter tank gun commanded by
“CLEAR THIS AREA AT ONCE!” barked Lieutenant
Stractomeyer over a bullhorn. “EVERYONE TO EVACU-
ATE TARGET AREA IMMEDIATELY!!”
“Thank heaven you’re here, General!” bawled the ad
man. “The monster almost had me! It was horrible!” He
sneezed and nearly lost his towel.
“Get this man some clothes, Lieutenant!” ordered the
general. “And remove him from the target area! On the
The young officer drew the exhausted ad man aside
and threw a field jacket over his quivering shoulders.
Then he escorted him to safety behind the barricade of
sand-bags and barbed wire the soldiers had erected in
the parking lot.
Excited shoppers with cartloads of purchases
streamed out the building. Inside, the store resounded
with the symphony blaring over the P.A. system and
the footfalls of the monster charging the main entrance.
Above the din in the monster’s fist, Neil thought he heard
police and emergency vehicle sirens outside. Then he
spotted the tank with its gun aimed right at them. “Slow
down!” he yelled. “Come on, girl! You better STOP!”
Godzelda swung about and attempted to reverse direction,
but her feet slipped out from under her. The creature
fell, slid tail-first down the aisle and--- WHAAMM!
slammed into the army tank!
Episode 24 The Crush
All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net
14 \\ Foolish Times
I’m Not Afraid Of No Ghost
October is supposed to be scary but in 2020 every month
has been horrendous, sorry October you don’t get your
individual shine this year. The biggest scares for me
have been what used to be regular body functions, Oh,
spend too much time outdoors and now you have little
allergies? Or is it the COVID?! Followed by a dramatic
musical pause. Oh, you worked out outdoors in the
middle of summer and now
your body is overheating? Or is
it the COVID?! I really hope we
neutralize this thing before flu
I have always been very clean
with a mild case of germaphobia,
and a sprinkle of OCD to
counteract my ADHD. My friends
made fun of me and now that they
have to do what I do on regular
basis which totally vindicates
me. It was not always the case. I
remember getting in trouble for
having a messy room when I was
a kid. When I was active duty
and went through basic training
the devil was in the details. The seed was planted,
when I was living in the barracks I quickly learned
about room inspections and how you can get in trouble
if you fail said room inspections. A whole new side of
me woke from its slumber. The rest is neatly organized
history. However, I do have lazy days or as some people
call them regular days. I’m working on teaching my
offspring to be clean and it has been a bit of an uphill
battle. Unfortunately, for her, I do not skip leg day.
The following is a true story:
Now, when you read the rest of this, imagine a raspy
serious voice in
your head. The
person is lighting
a cigarette with
a Zippo lighter.
They fix their
hair back with
one hand as they
take a drag and
We have just
from the store
and with the
I am going to be
now I gotta plan
a funeral and you
know I do not like
to plan events
COVID going around we have tighten up our sanitation
security procedures. When we get back inside the
house; we must hang our masks and drop everything at
the door, specially our shoes. If you got caught wearing
shoes inside the house there was a hefty price to pay.
After taking our shoes off, protocol mandates to go wash
our hands with soap and then retrieve our belongings.
(takes drag of cigarette and
exhales) One of our younger
house members thought they
had done a good enough job at
washing their hands. The boss
witnessed their actions and told
them to do it again, eyes were
rolled, then …
Boss: Did you just rolled your
eyes at me?
Young one: No
Boss: You know what? Do not
wash your hands. I don’t know if
you know this but out the COVID
is running rampage. You neglect
your personal hygiene and you
will get it, then you are going to
get sick, followed by a one-way ticket to heaven. Then I
am going to be angry because now I gotta plan a funeral
and you know I do not like to plan events with catering.
At the funeral, people are going to ask what happened,
which is going to make me respond with oh you know,
she did not listen to her parents. Then you are going
to get to heave and St. Peter is going to ask, “You what
happened.” You are going to have to say, “because I did
not wash my hands.” He is not going to believe that
such simple thing lead you there. St. Peter will ask to
make sure he heard right: “because you didn’t wash
your hands, you say?” And then you are going to spend
eternity grounded for not listening. Insubordinate and
Young one: why does God sound like my mom?
Boss: I don’t know, maybe God is a very wise lady. Now
wash your hands right this time.
Here is the part where you switch to a regular voice:
Keep washing your hands, you can’t let your guard
down with germs. They strike when they see the
opportunity, like those people in kiosks at the mall,
burglars or the devil. Be in high alert.
Q: What do you call
someone who bumps
their toe on the stove?
Q: Why did the sheep get
A: He had been baaaad
Q: What did the left eye
say to the right eye?
A: Between us,
Q: What do you call a fish
with no eyes?
Q: What is small, round,
green and a master at
A: Bruce Pea
Q: What is a pig’s favorite
A: Sow a dough
Q: What did the baby cow
order at Starbucks?
A: Caffeinated tea
Q: What do you call a
fungus that eats grass?
A: Moo shroom
Q: Where is the train’s
favorite place to eat?
Q: What did the chicken
do when he couldn’t
finish the report on time?
A: He winged it
THE OTHERWORDLY REPORT
// Robyn Justo
October 2020 // 15
If you are old enough, you might remember the
song “The Purple People Eater.” To be more exact
it was about a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin’ purple
It reached #1 on Billboard in 1958. I remember
it well. And it came to my mind the other day as
I was about to eat a purple potato. It was homely
and muddy brown on the outside, but a brilliant
electric purple on the inside. As I cut into it, the
song started to play on my little vinyl mind.
Maybe it’s being inside too much or maybe I see
things that other people don’t.
Maybe it was the stress of a
hurricane headed right straight for
Maui and a virus that was ready to
pounce if we evacuated to a gym or
to a church.
But this potato was cosmic. The
more I stared at it, the more I was
mesmerized. I even took photos.
I was ready to find a Mr. Potato
Head set and slap some ears,
eyes, nose, mouth and a few more
convenient appendages on it and
call him my boyfriend. I would
name him Prince. I was in love and
I was now The Purple Potato Eater.
Is this what happens when one is bombarded
by the news of the plague, earthquakes, tsunami
warnings, hurricanes, viruses, and volcanoes all
within a few weeks? It’s like waiting for a bullet
and not knowing which version is going to hit you.
With a hurricane, you can know it’s coming a week
before it does which makes it worse, just like this
virus that might get you and might not.
I surely needed a distraction. Along with the
anxiety of all of those things mentioned above, it
was National Noise day on Maui. The guy next
door turns bowls. He’s also building on to his deck.
This means that he runs saws, lathes, and talks
really loud too.
Along with my purple potato, I took two
shots of Jameson in my Egyptian licorice tea so
I wouldn’t take two
shots at the guy next
I took two shots
of Jameson in
licorice tea so
I wouldn’t take
two shots at the
guy next door.”
door. Suddenly I
was no longer living
in paradise, but I
Ok, I was edgy. I
took a walk. Some of
my neighbors were
not worried about the
hurricane because it
had never happened
SMH. I was better off talking to Prince. These are
the same humans who say that they don’t know
anyone who has died from the virus. SMHH.
Smacking my head harder.
I a sked one of these neighbors if the entire
planet had ever been shut down by a virus? He
stared at me like I was crazy.
What helps me through all of this is my IDMs
(interdimensional messages) from my Mom. She
is no longer on the planet but has a way of making
herself known and I still listen to her. And God, of
course, and meditation. And Jameson. And now,
of course, Prince the Purple Potato.
In the meantime, I choose to find the miracles
that other people might miss. Call me crazy, but a
purple potato made my day and took my mind off
of everything that was going on around me.
I keep reminding myself that behind all of this
insanity is an invisible, subtle backdrop, a canvas
if you will, like the air we don’t see but if it weren’t
there, we would not be either.
I took a deep breath and was grateful that I still
as I felt
16 \\ Foolish Times
Halloween Masks for 2020
// Debbie Harris
2020 has been a one-of-a-kind year. Everyone has
been ready for Halloween since April. We’ve all
been wearing masks. Of course, these masks are a
little different. They’re for protection, not for trying
to look like Batman.
People have been wearing all kinds of masks
to help prevent the spread of COVID-19-- paper
masks, homemade cloth masks, purchased
pre-made cloth masks. Some people even use a
bandana or a neck cloth that they can pull over
their faces. The hard core mask wearer will don a
contraption that looks like a WWI surplus gray face
cover with a salt shaker top type vent in it. With all
these options, you can choose the type of mask that
fits you best, but remember, no matter what mask
you wear, it needs to cover your nose. In the game
of let’s-not-spread corona virus, the nose is half of
the potentially dangerous duo. It counts.
Some people have become mask fashionistas.
They have many different colored masks and they
match them with their outfit. Some people like
solid color masks; others want prints. Making and
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marketing masks has become a cottage industry.
Some people like pictures on their masks— big,
red lips, a Disney character, a flower, their favorite
sports team, a pithy saying. Forget the latest shoe
style. Get a mask with a big daisy on it that says,
“Kindness Rocks!.” I don’t care which style of mask
anyone wears, just as long as
they include their nose in it.
masks, we need to have a
protective mask wherever
we go. People try to make
sure they’ll be covered by
stashing extra masks—in
their cars, purses, pockets,
and even diaper bags. More
important than a Darth
Vader mask on Halloween is
an N-95 in the diaper bag.
People have different ways
of not wearing their masks
when they don’t need to.
Some people take them off
completely. I do this when I’m outside walking by
myself. I’ll loop the ear straps around my wrist,
One side effect
of wearing a
mask that I’ve
found, is what I
believe is called
Hosted by the divine
on AMP Comcast
AT&T Channel 99,
8pm Thursday night,
12pm and 9pm Friday,
6pm on Saturday,
1pm and 1am
or go into a store and have to put it back on. I’ve
also been known to do the hammock for my chin
look. Some people do the ear dangle. They’ll take
the strap off of one ear and let the mask dangle
from the other. Is that the cool way to not wear
a mask? Like the 50’s greasers who rolled their
Lucky Strikes up in the sleeve
of their white tee shirt?
Or maybe it just means: “I
don’t breathe well wearing
a mask and I hate it.” I’ve
yet to meet a person since
COVID restrictions who’s
told me they love wearing a
protective mask and wished
the trend had started sooner.
And by the way—the nose
counts. Keep it covered too.
aren’t like sunglasses. I
doubt it would work to just
loop an ear grip inside the
front of your shirt and let it
lie on your chest. I guess you could wear the mask
on the top of your head like some people do with
sunglasses, but that would be quite a stretch.
One side effect of wearing a protective mask
that I’ve found, is what I believe is called “maskne.”
That’s the pimples you get on your mask covered
areas from your skin not being able to breathe. As
much as I may like a sign of youth on my face, chin
pimples isn’t really my first choice. Maybe I should
buy some stock in Clearasil.
However you decided to dress for Halloween,
your costume will likely include a mask. Maybe we
can all be bank robbers. I’ll be the one wearing a
faded cloth mask with make-up stains on it. May
you have a safe and COVID-19 free Halloween. And
keep your nose covered too.
October 2020 // 17
Graffiti Grannies and
To have a “boyfriend” at my age sounds, well,
absurd. But I will say that my “very special friend”
and I have a soul connection that has deepened
over the years. As we spooned and snuggled this
morning, our faces shone like fairy love due to
matching strands of drool. How blessed I am to…
dammit, is that a Tootsie Roll in the corner?!!? So
much for soul cuddles with a goddamned cat. O
beast! Thou hast betrayed my lovingkindness and
doth smite me with thy evil wicked ways! Yes,
biblical lingo can add some class to whining. Okey
dokey, and welcome to another dose of snake oil
advice at DILLIGS!? (Does It Look Like I Give a
QUESTION: After moving back with my
parents, I’m in an identity crisis with zero selfconfidence.
DILLIGS: Take heart. Labels and
roles aren’t “you,” but are simply costumes. They
do change and you may wear many. Right now
my identity costume is “Crazy-Ass Germophobe,
Relaxed Fit.” To create confidence, I recommend
adding a no-iron dental smock to your wardrobe.
After watching a YouTube video, I gave myself a
tooth implant. What a rush! Five more teeth to do,
and I can only get better each time.
QUESTION: How can I tell if online photos have
DILLIGS: Simple. If you want it to be real, it is.
If you don’t, it isn’t. Example: I received an email
photo showing a rear view of a 1960’s granny in a
flowered dress balancing on top of her walker to
spray political graffiti. Fake? No way. She’s the real
deal! Did she waddle over and paint safely from the
ground? Nope. This elderly patriot, clutching spray
cans and her purse, vaulted onto a rickety walker
to deface a wall with truth—despite a deformed,
arthritic body encased
in four layers of size
XXXL Depends. What
QUESTION: I’m already dreading the holidays
alone. Any ideas?
DILLIGS: Lifeboats. Literally. The boat in my
living room is way cheaper than a rowing machine,
and it has a snack tray. On Turkey Day I plan to get
comfy in it and Zoom with a friend in another time
zone while we plow through our frozen pizzas. It’ll
be fun, though the life jacket gets easily stained
and is a bitch to clean. This gem of a plan came to
me after a lengthy meditation with a Sock Puppets
wall calendar and a few cards from my “Tarot for
Tax Accountants” deck.
QUESTION: I think a lot about aging and death
this year. Help!
DILLIGS: Ever the comedian, Joan of Arc’s
battle cry was “Less fear, more tacos!” We can’t
slay that two-headed fear demon but, damn, I’m
gonna litter-train the bastard. And as we slog
through 2020, we need even bigger doses of humor,
like booster vaccines. Ooh, yeah baby, what big
boosters!! Enough snickering, class. Settle down.
Keep them questions coming, kids, and
try to submit electronically because the
usual trucks of fan mail might clog the
USPS. My dedicated staff are working
24/7 here at DILLIGS. Speaking of staff,
get off the keyboard, kitties. Mom has
18 \\ Foolish Times
Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19)
Yet, another idea...a farce-book- a-thon! Running
for 27 hours in virtually the same cyberspace
circuit. You conceded to amateur conversation,
concluding with thousands of “Likes,” such pizazz.
Then why do you feel like a jittery desert, you
wonder. Just think what you could do with a kiss-athon.
Certainly your lover would prefer.
Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20)
Hurry up! You loathe being rushed...move it! This
disgusts you especially when you are so dependable
and always show up. You are more than your data,
more than what your profile claims you to be.
Into the deep dark depths of your Bullish ass lies
a soul ready for a quantum leap. Shine up your
nose ring and show your contacts what real time
communication is about.
Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20)
Has anyone made you laugh lately? Listen to
yourself gossiping. You can only fritter your twitter
just so much before your face resembles a snapchat.
You may cry salty tears after you hear what “they”
have been saying about you, things like toil, boil
and hedge-pig whined. Not quite what you had in
mind is it?
Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22)
Can one kiss do all of this? If it’s Dracula’s, hell
yes! Even your ringtone is playing “Bite Me.” Don’t
rush headlong into anything. First you need a
transfusion before you can trust how you feel.
Clear history and Refresh before you count on The
Count to tell how many tweets it takes to make you
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22)
How long has this world shaking conversation
been going on? Small talk is not for you, unless it’s
all about you. This Hyena co-worker has spritzed
its wits all over you for the last time! You are cool
as a cucumber until your tail taps a haunted rap
song and there lies a litany of diverse tempestual
rhythms. You are a big star, I assure you, it’s just
that the monitor is small.
Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22)
Head of Toad...Keep in mind you are a person who
thinks. This is a means to a beginning. Behind the
curtain of an exotic neurotic thrives a functional
advantage: Being able to refer to your ethics on
a daily basis. You wouldn’t be caught dead at the
end of a camera tentacle that was hoovering your
personal data and distributing it to say Farce-Book,
Fritter or Welp!
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22)
You are thinking that the way you feel must be
illegal! (Is it?) Since you are the Tiffanys of the
Zodiac, extorting advertising dollars for your
birthday desires is a synch with all that Libra-L
charm. You shall get all your birthday wishes this
year because you are so linked in! (But, just n’ case
have the GodFather on speed-dial).
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21)
A passive You doesn’t blow. That is exactly what
Farce-Book is, a passive view on events occurring
willy nilly throughout the day. No wonder you
are tooth of wolf after shedding your identity...
careful that it doesn’t bleed into an unrestrainable
behavior that could destroy that eloquent
anonymity of yours.
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21)
There is lot’s of itchy, witchy, bitchy in the air!
What happened SAG to your joie-de-vivre?! Did
you get swiped from the predicts of what “they”
think might interest you? Autumn in New York or
golf in the Ozarks? You can’t decipher where all this
spam is coming from-Wool of Bat! What APP really
stands for is, Apply Pressure Promptly to injury or
end up in the outlands alone!
Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19)
Melancholy Baby ~ You desire real conversation
and not some pasted post of pictures from a third
party posing as a friend. It’s been a long time
since you’ve bitten the neck of a juicy intelligent
conversation. Arrgh! It’s ok pumpkin, all desires
coming from where you least detect it.
Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18)
When Faced with a head-on approach you tend to
retreat! Face it and see through the shadow lurking.
This could be a case of human trafficking...‘round
about that cauldron of yours, seek the antidote for
being sucked in. Whatever it takes, toe of frog or
a fenny snake, be the person in private that you
reward yourself for in public.
Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20)
Whispered in the moon’s eclipse... your thousand
Faces speak. Still remain unique, elusive,
untouchable and mysterious, and no, not a freak.
PI you have a modern day quality with a touch of
the ethereal. Not too many get you babe. Makes no
difference at all because your daydreams are your
truest reality. Edge your way to the cliff’s crest
and dive into the vastness of your imagination and
October 2020 // 19
The Steps of Laundry
(four loads, two basket variation)
// Gilly Spangler
1. Find favorite/last jeans, shirt, etc
2. Wear them one more day
(funky at the knees and all)
3. Throw them into growing dirty pile/basket
4. Look around your room to find other stuff
5(c) You’re kidding!! This is in the living room!!
6. Get pile into carry mode - basket or in arms is
fine, stop at the chair to check phone
7. Get pile all the way to washer
8. Pre sorting - two loads for now, four, if you
let things keep going
9. Oh I’m going to need more detergent, go
to couch, play on phone
10. Sort for real - your typical version applies,
or just don’t bother
11. First load in, press start, wait at least
twenty four hours to transfer
12. First load into dryer, look over at lint screen,
set to 60 minutes, press start
13. Phone call, social media and errands, including
grocery store (more detergent.)
14. Transfer dry load into basket, place by couch
or someplace in the living room
15. Second load in, press start, forgot soap,
just pour some in
16. Second load into dryer, look over at lint screen,
set for 60 minutes, press start
17. Get basket from living room, balance
second load on top
18. Find second basket, overfill with second two
loads. Keep baskets nearby (typically 4
loads, 4 hours to 4 days, circumstances prevail)
19. Repeat steps 11-17, omitting buying laundry
soap, leaving second
20. Find something on
TV, dump first
basket onto couch,
push it all to
21. Glass of wine,
move pile over and
22. On the way to pour
a third glass, look
23. Begin folding first
two loads (How
sleeping in the basket, stop to pet cat)
23(a) Try to fold and stack nicely on back of couch
23(b) Should I keep these? Uhh. Oh well.
23(c) Just fold haphazardly now. Who cares??
Laundry cops aren’t around
24. Wake up cat, stack in basket, and place near
25. Where’s the bottle opener?
26. Find PJ’s in basket, trying not to disturb stacks.
27. Repeat steps 20-24 for second two loads
28. Sidestep baskets and get to bed
29. Place baskets near closet and carefully grab
things to wear, one to two days is fine
30. (Day three) move basket closer to closet,
dresser, or just on top of dresser
30 (a) or the treadmill
31. First basket is almost empty. Put things in
drawers now. Place dirty clothes in basket
32. Repeat steps 29-31, omitting step 26, for
You should be good for about six more days.
20 \\ Foolish Times
LEAKED IT ANYWAY
I was ordered by General Westmorland never to
speak of it, because it could have world-changing
implications. And the Government couldn’t give
me my Purple Heart or any of the other medals
even some of the fellows under my command got.
The reason they gave for not giving it to me was
because all my fighting took place in what weren’t
technically Combat Zones: Cambodia and Laos and
all those places.
But I was parachuted behind enemy lines, and
made my way to Ho Chi Minh’s office, wonderful
fellow, I think the world of him; but a great
negotiator, although, of course, in the end, I got
what I’d been sent there to do, and that was end the
Ho lived in Boston for a while, you know, so we
had some friends in common, and had been to
some of the same restaurants and so on.
Anyway, I spent a week there, the first day having
my bone spurs treated by Ho’s personal doctor,
with some Oriental herbs and things, and that’s
why they haven’t bothered me since.
Of course, the fake news
reporters never heard of my
mission, and when they did,
they refused to write about it
because they could see that
I was going to be great, first
as the greatest builder in the
history of New York City, and
then in the world.
You know the wall
separating Vietnam from
China: I designed that. Ho
was amazed. He got his
people working on it even
before I left, and it’s great, the greatest wall in the
history of Asia. Incredible. And beautiful! Perfect!
Of course, mine with Mexico will be greater. But
in Asia, mine’s the greatest. Ho and I signed our
signatures on the first
stone, with the date. It’s
there. Everyone knows
it. But the Democrats,
you know, JFK and
LBJ and that crowd,
they didn’t want me to
be famous, so they’ve
refused to publicize my
ending the Vietnam
War and all that,
and with bone spurs,
although I’ve endured
their pain without
letting on, nearly all
my life, but the fake
news people, they know
about it, they stole my
medical records and
publicized them, but
never wrote about how
Ho flew me all the way
back to New York on
his private plane, and
I took him down to
Florida for the weekend
before he flew back.
It’s in his records,
but they’re all in
Vietnamese. He spoke
French and English,
You know the
from China: I
too, you know. So do I, and I picked up lots of
Vietnamese during my week there, but I’m ordered
not to use it because of the implications it could
have for China and Russia, whose leaders love me
and know that I could out-negotiate either of them
or even both of them at once. Great guys, each of
them, and big fans of me. You can tell.
And I did get Ho to release all the prisoners
in that hotel–really second rate, not like any of
my hotels- so that fellow who didn’t become an
admiral like his father and grandfather, but just lay
around for most of the war, he
could come home.
Most of the people in
Congress didn’t serve. Even
Mike Pence didn’t serve in
Vietnam. But I went there,
under cover of darkness,
bravely parachuting in and
ending the war.
But the fake news won’t
tell the truth about it. But
that’s why he always resented
me, voted against me. He
knew I wasn’t a loser: I went
into what was then North Vietnam, night-time
parachute drop, unarmed except for my excellent,
incredible, beautiful intelligence, and won the
war, got Ho to see that he couldn’t out-negotiate
me. Great guy. Fine sense of humor. Little. But he
couldn’t help that. I’m the tallest President in the
history of the world.
But the fake news people, they change the
angles of their cameras. I’m taller than Comey.
But you’d never know if from the fake loser failing
newspapers and TV networks.
And I shouldn’t be telling you this, because I was
ordered by the head of the UN not to reveal how I
won the Vietnam War, brought the boys home, and
opened up trade
with all of Asia.
But since it’s been leaked, I just thought I should
clear it all up, tell the real truth, not some other
version that people who weren’t even there, who got
out because their fathers knew doctors who could
get them out, while I was there, behind the lines,
risking my life, but you’ll never read about it or
hear about it. But the good people of America, they
know it, and that’s why they all love me more than
they’ve ever loved anyone else, except maybe Jesus,
but he didn’t end the Vietnam War, his bone spurs
aching every minute.
We don’t even really need an election. Save
money. Everyone knows I’d win again, with the
biggest, most beautiful, incredible margin in
history. Again. Perfect.
So I graciously accept right now. Because I love
the American people and the American flag, and
And that’s the truth. You can ask anyone.
Kellyanne, for example, she’ll tell you it’s the truth.
October 2020 // 21
1) Last month when the sky turned orange,
what were your thoughts?
2) What are your plans for Halloween?
3) Is pineapple an acceptable topping for a pizza?
1) It was very eerie and quiet. It was like time was
2) Dressing up and not being able to go to a party
will not be fun. I’ll probably just stay home and watch
3) Pineapple is crazy good on pizza. Not sure how
Canadian bacon got involved but it works for me.
1) If it was the end of the world, I would rather hide in
my house and not be found.
2) I hope we don’t many trick or treaters so I can eat
the candy my wife buys.
3) I grew up with the classic cheeses and pepperoni.
I’ll stick with that.
1) I’ve never seen such a site but in its beauty, it was
hard to breath.
2) I always stay home and hand out candy to the
kids. This year I’m not expecting much action on the
3) Not sure who came up with that but it is a little
weird. Tastes good but sounds weird.
1) I thought it was the end of the world and stayed
home. When my boss reassured me everything was
OK, I went to work.
2) I like Halloween and dressing up. This is one
holiday you can’t stop me from having fun. It will be
nice to be someone else for a day.
3) Fruit on pizza is disgusting.
22 \\ Foolish Times
from page 21
from page 10
A man was lying on the busy sidewalk after getting hit
by a bus.
“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasped.
“I’m not a priest. But for 50 years, I’ve lived near the
Carmel Mission and I’ve overheard their services.
I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some
The dying man agreed.
The old man knelt down and said to him in a solemn
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October 2020 // 23
Readers old enough to remember when “a glimpse
of stocking was looked on as something shocking”
will understand where I’m coming from.
I was never a prude when it came to female
attire. Time was when I fancied myself a champion
of social reform and sexual freedom. At least that’s
how I came across on paper, probably because it
sounded fashionable in those days. Alas, I perceive
now that the world’s values have evolved a lot faster
than I have, leading me to think that maybe I’m the
one who’s repressed.
The problem with women’s fashion today, simply
stated, is that no one is shocked anymore. Used
to be that most women kept their property more
or less in reserve. On rare occasions, when they
accidentally let their guard down in public, they
had enough decorum to feign embarrassment…
even when the alleged “malfunction” wasn’t
entirely accidental. To this old-timer, that veneer
of modesty and restraint seems oddly appealing in
retrospect. Nowadays, “anything goes.” There are
no accidents. There is no restraint. Garments have
become shorter, skimpier, more obvious, nearly
transparent. Limbs, body parts and underthings
are flaunted deliberately, flagrantly, with little
finesse or subtlety. Bo-o-o-rring!
Think of fashion as theater. Audiences don’t
attend a performance of “Oedipus
Rex” to discover what happens. They
already KNOW the end from the
beginning. What draws them back
into the arena time and again is the
experience of seeing the mystery
tastefully and skillfully unveiled.
Take it from a reformed bad-boy:
anticipation is as crucial to an
experience as the experience itself,
maybe more so. And I, for one, miss
For that reason, I maintain that
gift wrap is often more precious than
the actual gift, insofar as it masks the
of said contents,
suggesting a texture
and quality more
appetite, forces him
to wait, prolongs the
letdown, as the case
may be. Sorry if that
sounds sexist or demeaning. But ALL of us, women
as well as men, have been similarly disappointed
sometime or another. (My own unveiled real estate
could be THE most grievous letdown of all!)
Not that it matters what this opinionated old fart
likes or dislikes. But my advice for ladies wishing
to impress me is to keep
me guessing. Whatever
you possess, whatever
is that no one
assuming, of course,
that you possess
it all at once. Begin
small. Modest attire,
intimations of things
hoped for, of pleasures
not yet seen. Proceed
slowly. In the words of
the Bard, “The play’s the
thing.” Give me time to savor the drama. Let me
nurture the mystery. The trick is to suggest without
declaring, to whisper without shouting, without
ever raising your voice…to tease me into thinking
that you’re concealing a prize I haven’t already seen
hundreds of times, even though I have.
In short, you need to humor this observer. Don’t
begin at “ground zero.” Work your way there slowly,
tastefully. Less is more. If you show me your cream
filling before I’ve tasted the chocolate icing, you’ll
ruin the effect, and I’ll lose interest. Because, you
see, keeping the payoff at arm’s length for as long
as possible is what the game is all about. Or so it
used to be.
TUNE IN 9-10AM
Every Saturday morning
also streaming on
24 \\ Foolish Times
on the Cork