Get Out! GAY Magazine – Issue 472

BY BRAD NICHOLS
BUILT
FORD
TOUGH
COLTON FORD
IS “STRONGER”
THAN EVER
PHOTOS BY KEVIN HOOVER
COLTON FORD HAS TAKEN A CONSCIOUS STEP BACK FROM PUBLIC LIFE
OVER THE PAST SEVEN YEARS. HE’S RELEASED AN ALBUM (2016’S GLENN
SOUKESIAN) AND SEVERAL SINGLES, BUT HE HASN’T PUSHED HIS WORK
THE WAY HE HAD DONE PREVIOUSLY.
“I NEEDED TIME TO PROCESS THE LOSSES I WAS EXPERIENCING DURING
THIS TIME; TO REFLECT AND GROW,” HE SAYS NOW. THE LOSSES HE IS
REFERRING TO ARE THE PASSING OF HIS
MOTHER AND THE END OF A LONG-TERM
RELATIONSHIP. HE ALSO DEALT WITH SOME
HEALTH ISSUES.
FORTUNATELY, THE SINGER/EX-PORN
STAR IS DOING BETTER TODAY AND EVEN
SAYS HE FEELS STRONGER THAN EVER.
IN FACT, THE NAME OF THE FIRST SINGLE
FROM HIS NEW UNITY ALBUM IS CALLED
“STRONGER.” COLTON FORD SPOKE TO US
FROM HIS NYC HOME.

INTERVIEW
It’s nice to have you permanently back
in NYC!
Colton Ford: I moved to California in 2013
to be with my mom. About a year and a
half ago, I started making my way back
east.
You say the past several years have
been challenging, even debilitating, at
times.
Colton Ford: Processing through
the changes of life, which is a real
and impactful thing for men, can be
challenging. It was a lot of new and
unexplored territory for me in many
respects.
What made you decide to come out
publicly about your losses?
Colton Ford: I’m jumping back into
promoting myself and my music.
Talking about my trials and tribulations,
experiences and observations, both in
song and elsewhere, is a part of it. We are
all figuring our way through this life and
can gain insight and motivation through
our shared experiences. That’s the power
of art and the bond between the artist and
his audience. Music and art are a powerful
way to reach, comfort and inspire.
We need to recognize that we are one
species with all kinds of wonderful brothers
and sisters in it, and celebrate all of that!
Which song on the EP is the most
powerful to you personally?
Colton Ford: Honestly, they’re each
equally powerful to me. I know that’s a
lame answer, but it’s how I feel.
How are you today?
Colton Ford: I’m doing well. I’ve been
in therapy for almost 30 years now, and
it has been a journey of self-discovery
and empowerment. Therapy ain’t easy. It
requires commitment and consistency, but
it works. Now I will say that I’m disgusted
over what we’re witnessing in our country
and globally. Unconscionable! Where is
the empathy? I do believe there are more
good people than bad, but we’re in a
serious struggle between good and evil.
Are you stronger on your own or have
you found strength through a new love?
Colton Ford: I am happily single and strong
on my own. I’m open, though, but not
looking. Follow Colton Ford on Facebook
@ ColtonFordMusic and Instagram
@ TheRealColtonFord.
They say what doesn’t kill us makes us
stronger.
Colton Ford: Literally! I wrote the lyric for
“Stronger” as a self-speak
to stay positive and hang in
there. Our internal dialogue
can help us process through
difficult and challenging
times or it can be the
catalyst to our demise. It
has helped me through, and
the positive message is very
timely, especially now.
Do you elaborate on these
themes in the other songs
on your new EP, Unity?
Colton Ford: I do. This
record acknowledges the
challenges and obstacles in
front of us, but is also clearly
hopeful. It’s a message of
empowerment, not just for
us individually, but also as
we come together in unity.

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GET THE MEDICAL CARE YOU NEED.
“ Now is the time for you and your family to get the
medical care you need and may have put on hold
including a vaccination against the flu. If you need
a doctor, call 311.”
— Dave A. Chokshi, MD, MSc
Commissioner
NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene
week in pictures >> BY WILSONMODELS / wilsonmodels.blogspot.com
WITCH PERFECT WITH TINA BURNER,
BOOTSIE LEFARIS, TAMMY SPENKS

BY EILEEN SHAPIRO
CELEBRITY CORRESPONDENT
CARLY HUGHES
“THE CHRISTMAS EDITION”
CARLY HUGHES, BEST KNOWN FOR HER WORK
ON ABC’S HIT COMEDY AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE, IS
SET TO STAR IN A NEW HOLIDAY MOVIE FOR LIFETIME
OPPOSITE ROB MAYES AND MARIE OSMOND ENTITLED
THE CHRISTMAS EDITION. THE MOVIE WILL PREMIERE
ON NOVEMBER 15, 2020.
CARLY WILL BE FEATURED IN THE FILM AS A
JOURNALIST WHO OBTAINS THE CHANCE TO RUN
A NEWSPAPER IN ALASKA, WHERE SHE FALLS IN
LOVE WITH HER NEW HOME AND WITH THE FORMER
OWNER’S SON, PLAYED BY ROB MAYES. WHEN THE
FORMER OWNER WANTS THE NEWSPAPER BACK,
CARLY NEEDS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE TO KEEP IT.
HUGHES IS NO STRANGER TO STARDOM, HAVING
APPEARED ON BROADWAY IN EIGHT SHOWS,
INCLUDING PIPPIN, CHICAGO, BEAUTIFUL: THE
CAROLE KING MUSICAL, THE BOOK OF MORMON,
GHOST: THE MUSICAL, RAGTIME, THE 25TH ANNUAL
PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEE AND DR. SEUSS’ HOW
THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS. ASIDE FROM THAT,
CARLY ALSO HAD A RECURRING ROLE IN THE NETFLIX
SERIES INSATIABLE AND THE HBO SERIES CURB YOUR
ENTHUSIASM. SHE CAN ALSO BE SEEN IN THE NEW
NETFLIX FILM MALIBU RESCUE: THE NEXT WAVE.
I HAD AN ENTERTAINING CONVERSATION WITH CARLY
REGARDING HER CHRISTMAS EXPERIENCE AND HER
LIFE’S SITUATIONS.
PHOTOS COURTESY OF LIFETIME
PHOTO CREDIT THE RIKER BROTHERS

INTERVIEW
I’M EXCITED ABOUT YOUR NEW
LIFETIME CHRISTMAS MOVIE.
Not as excited as me because I love
Christmas. Everyone needs Christmas this
year; it’s been a rough year.
WHAT IS THE PREMISE OF THE
CHRISTMAS EDITION?
Like every Christmas movie, it’s a love
story. It’s either a love story or a finding
oneself...This one is both. It’s about a young
newspaper editor who is looking to move
up in the business and the only way to do
that is to take a risk, which is to go to
Alaska and take this small newspaper
out of the depths into some sort of
prosperity. In doing so, she meets
a love interest, but decides
she doesn’t have time for it
because her life has been all
business. While enjoying
Christmas in this town,
she
finds the light in the
newspaper and
she finds
that it just might
be for her.
It’s a cute little
story about
keeping your
independence and still being able to
love someone.
LET’S JUST SAY YOU HAD SOME KIND
OF OPPORTUNITY TO DO THAT IN REAL
LIFE. WOULD YOU TAKE THE RISK?
I would probably go and experience it, but
I don’t think I would stay there. I would feel
like, “No, this is fun, so I’ll come back next
year.” You know, what if I didn’t do this for
a living maybe. Opportunities are more
endless when you’re not confined to certain
career paths. However, I would probably
love to come back every year.
WAS THIS ACTUALLY FILMED IN
ALASKA?
Oh, baby, I wish! That would have made my
heart so content. I think there was probably
talk of it pre-covid, but it was actually shot in
Utah, which is the exact opposite of Alaska.
It was shot in August, when it was like 100°
every day. There were a couple of scenes
where I was wearing this cable knit sweater,
a hat, a ski suit, fur boots and gloves and a
scarf. We were supposed to be in Alaska,
but it was 100°, and I’m not even kidding.
IS THIS MOVIE DIFFERENT FROM
ANYTHING THAT YOU’VE EVER DONE
ON BROADWAY OR ON TELEVISION?
Sometimes they all meld together, but this
one I really enjoyed because first of all, it
was my first Christmas movie, and since I
am a Christmas-a-holic, it made me super,
super happy. But it was also the first time I
got to play a whimsical ingénue. My other
roles have been about fierce, leading
women coming into their own, and this one
was a softer, demure ingénue that was still
independent but light hearted.
HOW DID YOU LIKE PLAYING AT BEING
A JOURNALIST? I personally love it.
[laughs]
It was amazing. I was real, real smart in the
script. I actually liked that aspect--finding
stories and thinking what to write. I think
that’s very cool. I don’t know if I could do
it for a living like you--I’d be worried that I
wouldn’t find enough interesting things--but
that curiosity is a common ground for both
of us. In a lot of career paths and jobs, it’s
that curiosity that keeps you going.
WAS THERE A PARTICULAR SCENE THAT
YOU ABSOLUTELY WERE IN LOVE WITH?
Yes, there are two. One scene--which is in
every Christmas movie--is a Christmas party,
and I was in love with it just because I got to
wear this fierce sequined dress with a slit up
the side.

This was observing Christmas fashion,
honey. In real life, I don’t think I ever went
to a Christmas party that dressed up. That
was fun and fantastic. The other one I really
loved was there was a scene where me and
my costar, Rob, let our guards down for the
first time and actually tried to give into the
attraction. So it was fun to see that kind of
playfulness around the Christmas tree and
the big toy drive. Despite it being 100°, that
scene really evoked the Christmas spirit.
HOW WAS MARIE OSMOND AS A
CHRISTMAS COSTAR? I FEEL LIKE SHE’S
BEEN IN MANY CHRISTMAS MOVIES.
She’s been around and has done lots of
Christmas. Marie is great. She was only in
a few scenes, but they were all with me, so
that was great and we just got to laugh and
sing Christmas songs on the side when we
weren’t filming. We tried not to giggle at
each other. We had a lot of fun. She’s very
sweet.
I LOVE BEHIND THE SCENES STORIES.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER COOL ONES
FROM THE FILM?
It was really hard this year because of
covid, but I guess the funny thing for me
was because the whole crew had to wear
masks, I still to this day don’t know what
they look like. It was weird because when
on Broadway I knew the cast, the crew,
the orchestra, and even all the people
on the set of American Housewife,
but to this day I still don’t know who
the crew was for the film. I might have
seen two crew members without their
masks on while they were eating, but I
couldn’t remember what they looked
like afterwards because that was gone
in a flash. The first day, the cameraman
came to introduced himself to me.
His name was Eiton, but because
of the mask, it sounded like he said
“A-Town” and so that is what I started
calling him. He ended up liking that,
so for the rest of the shoot, that’s
what I called him and then everyone
else started calling him “A-Town.” He
said, “I like it, I’ll keep it.” They even
changed it on the slate as well.
I REALLY THINK IT’S SO FUNNY
THAT YOU FILMED IT IN UTAH IN
100 DEGREE WEATHER.
Thank god we had a medic on set.
The medic is required now because
of covid, but there was a moment
where I almost fainted from the heat
and I was really glad he was there.
PHOTO COURTESY OF LIFETIME
PHOTO CREDIT THE RIKER BROTHERS

IT HAD
TO BE STRANGE AND
DIFFERENT FILMING
DURING THESE
CRAZY TIMES. IN
WHAT WAYS WAS
IT DIFFERENT
THAN NORMAL
AND WHAT
WOULD
HAVE BEEN
DIFFERENT
HAD IT NOT
BEEN FOR
THIS SURREAL
SITUATION?
Yes. We
probably
would’ve
gone to
Alaska and
I would’ve
seen
everyone’s
faces. There
would’ve just
been more
intimate
moments
and there
would’ve
been less fear
all around
because
covid
provides
fear for
everyone.
We were
tested
every 72
hours,
but just
as with any
test, there was
always that fear
that you wouldn’t pass.
Also, we were on lockdown
and quarantining there, so we
were only allowed to be picked
up and brought to set. Right
after that, we went back to
our condos. So there was no
visiting Utah or sightseeing-
-not that we had time--but
we couldn’t go anywhere,
otherwise it would jeopardize
the production.
AS A BROADWAY PERSON, WHAT DO
YOU THINK ABOUT THEATER HAVING
GONE DARK?
It breaks my heart. Broadway is one of
the pillars that hold New York up, and it
has been for decades. It also holds up
the majority of the people in New York,
whether they are part of the crew, the
music industry, the actors on stage or the
people that live there who like to frequent
theater. That is no longer an option, and
unfortunately it won’t be back anytime
soon. It also takes away a source of income
and a source of happiness. So I’m grateful
to be doing what I do from this end, but
my heart bleeds for my Broadway family
because it’s just not being at work, but
also knowing there’s no options, there’s
nothing. And you cannot do anything
about it and it’s scary. It’s scary to witness
from afar and support from afar.
A LOT OF ARTISTS THINK THAT THIS
TIME, ON A POSITIVE NOTE, HAS
BROUGHT OUT A LOT OF CREATIVITY.
WHAT’S YOUR VIEWPOINT ON THAT?
From the beginning, I’ve said that this is
the time to find yourself or whatever that
means for you. A lot of people luckily have
been creative and have been finding other
outlets, but at the same time, I have heavily
advocated being whatever feels best for
you. We have the time, but the pressure
you put on yourself of being the next Oscar
winner or the next So You Think You Can
Dance star or the next Beethoven....that’s
just too much pressure. Right now, you
have enough pressure waking up in the
morning, finding a task and completing
that task. So if creativity comes to you
naturally, that’s great, go with it, go
creative, but if something is not coming to
you and it doesn’t for a while, that is also
OK. Finding yourself means different things
for different people right now. You just
have to be open to the possibilities.

CHAD
LIVING WITH HIV SINCE 2018
REAL BIKTARVY PATIENT
KEEP
CREATING.
Because HIV doesn’t change who you are.
BIKTARVY is a complete, 1-pill, once-a-day prescription medicine used
to treat HIV-1 in certain adults. BIKTARVY does not cure HIV-1 or AIDS.
Ask your healthcare provider if BIKTARVY is right for you.
Featured patient compensated by Gilead.
Watch Chad’s story at BIKTARVY.com

IMPORTANT FACTS FOR BIKTARVY®
This is only a brief summary of important information about
BIKTARVY and does not replace talking to your healthcare
provider about your condition and your treatment.
(bik-TAR-vee)
MOST IMPORTANT INFORMATION
ABOUT BIKTARVY
BIKTARVY may cause serious side
effects, including:
Worsening of hepatitis B (HBV)
infection. If you have both HIV-1 and
HBV, your HBV may suddenly get
worse if you stop taking BIKTARVY.
Do not stop taking BIKTARVY without
first talking to your healthcare provider,
as they will need to check your health
regularly for several months.
ABOUT BIKTARVY
BIKTARVY is a complete, 1-pill,
once-a-day prescription medicine
used to treat HIV-1 in adults and
children who weigh at least 55 pounds.
It can either be used in people who
have never taken HIV-1 medicines
before, or people who are replacing
their current HIV-1 medicines and
whose healthcare provider determines
they meet certain requirements.
BIKTARVY does not cure HIV-1 or AIDS.
HIV-1 is the virus that causes AIDS.
Do NOT take BIKTARVY if you also take
a medicine that contains:
dofetilide
rifampin
any other medicines to treat HIV-1
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF BIKTARVY
BIKTARVY may cause serious side
effects, including:
Those in the “Most Important Information
About BIKTARVY” section.
Changes in your immune system.
Your immune system may get
stronger and begin to fight infections.
Tell your healthcare provider if you
have any new symptoms after you
start taking BIKTARVY.
Kidney problems, including kidney
failure. Your healthcare provider
should do blood and urine tests to
check your kidneys. If you develop
new or worse kidney problems, they
may tell you to stop taking BIKTARVY.
Too much lactic acid in your blood
(lactic acidosis), which is a serious but
rare medical emergency that can lead
to death. Tell your healthcare provider
right away if you get these symptoms:
weakness or being more tired than usual,
unusual muscle pain, being short of
breath or fast breathing, stomach pain
with nausea and vomiting, cold or blue
hands and feet, feel dizzy or lightheaded,
or a fast or abnormal heartbeat.
Severe liver problems, which in rare
cases can lead to death. Tell your
healthcare provider right away if you
get these symptoms: skin or the white
part of your eyes turns yellow, dark “teacolored”
urine, light-colored stools, loss
of appetite for several days or longer,
nausea, or stomach-area pain.
The most common side effects of
BIKTARVY in clinical studies were
diarrhea (6%), nausea (6%), and
headache (5%).
These are not all the possible side effects
of BIKTARVY. Tell your healthcare provider
right away if you have any new symptoms
while taking BIKTARVY.
You are encouraged to report negative
side effects of prescription drugs to the
FDA. Visit www.FDA.gov/medwatch or
call 1-800-FDA-1088.
Your healthcare provider will need to
do tests to monitor your health before
and during treatment with BIKTARVY.
Continued on next page.
Please see Important Facts, including important warnings, continued on the
next page and at BIKTARVY.com.

REAL BIKTARVY
PATIENTS
ZACH
D’EVA
HUGO
CHAD
Meet a few of the extraordinary people who take BIKTARVY.
Watch their stories at BIKTARVY.com
Featured patients compensated by Gilead.
NIKKI
IMPORTANT FACTS FOR BIKTARVY® (CONTINUED)
DIMITRI
BEFORE TAKING BIKTARVY
Tell your healthcare provider if you:
Have or have had any kidney or liver
problems, including hepatitis infection.
Have any other health problems.
Are pregnant or plan to become
pregnant. It is not known if BIKTARVY
can harm your unborn baby. Tell your
healthcare provider if you become
pregnant while taking BIKTARVY.
Are breastfeeding (nursing) or plan to
breastfeed. Do not breastfeed. HIV-1 can
be passed to the baby in breast milk.
Tell your healthcare provider about all
the medicines you take:
Keep a list that includes all prescription
and over-the-counter medicines,
antacids, laxatives, vitamins, and herbal
supplements, and show it to your
healthcare provider and pharmacist.
BIKTARVY and other medicines
may affect each other. Ask your
healthcare provider and pharmacist
about medicines that interact with
BIKTARVY, and ask if it is safe to
take BIKTARVY with all your
other medicines.
HOW TO TAKE BIKTARVY
Take BIKTARVY 1 time each day with or
without food.
GET MORE INFORMATION
This is only a brief summary of important
information about BIKTARVY. Talk to
your healthcare provider or pharmacist
to learn more.
Go to BIKTARVY.com or call
1-800-GILEAD-5
If you need help paying for your
medicine, visit BIKTARVY.com for
program information.
Please see Important Facts,
including important warnings
above and at BIKTARVY.com.
BIKTARVY, the BIKTARVY Logo, KEEP CREATING, LOVE WHAT’S INSIDE, GILEAD, and the GILEAD
Logo are trademarks of Gilead Sciences, Inc., or its related companies. Version date: February 2020
© 2020 Gilead Sciences, Inc. All rights reserved. BVYC0247 05/20

> PHOTO & INTERVIEW BY RICK STOCKWELL @RICKSTOCKWELL
HOT HK
BARTENDER
ZACK SNYDER ON
LIFTING WEIGHTS
AND SPIRITS
Hunky Zack Snyder is a Hell’s Kitchen
resident and a popular bartender
at one of the neighborhood’s top
watering holes, Boxers HK. He was
recommended to me by a friend as
a possible model to photograph. We
scheduled our shoot soon after that. I
was impressed with Zack’s openness,
affability and eagerness to try
anything I had in mind for the shoot.
I found him to be a natural model,
and my camera loved capturing his
awesome physique. I thought you
might like to know a bit more about
our cover boy, so
I asked him a few
questions.
Hi, Zack. I remember
you told me that
you’re from Ohio.
What city did you
grow up in and what
brought you to New
York? How long have
you lived here?
I grew up in a small
town about 70 miles
north of Columbus
called Millersburg. I
first moved to NYC to
attend culinary school,
but after the first few
classes, I changed my
mind. I used to love
watching all the shows
on the Food Network,
so I thought it would be
fun. But then I realized
that wasn’t what I really
wanted to do. I stayed
in NYC after that, and I’ve been here about
eight years.
As a small town kid, were you
overwhelmed by New York after you
arrived here? Were you out already? How
did you find gay life in NYC?
It was overwhelming at first. I was kind of
naive when I first moved here, so living
in NYC has been good for me. Yes, I was
out when I moved here. It was my first
experience with any aspect of gay life, so
for me it was great. Growing up in Ohio, my
exposure to gay life was Carson Kressley,
Richard Simmons and gay porn.
How long have you been a bartender and
how long have you worked at Boxers HK?
Do you enjoy working there?
I’ve been a bartender for about seven years,
and I have worked at Boxers for about three
years. Yes, I love working at Boxers. We have
a really great staff that feels like a second
family.
What’s it like working as a bartender in
the Covid era? How is the work different
now? Are there a lot fewer patrons and
do they manage to keep socially distanced
from one another?
It’s not great right
now, but you have to
make the best of it.
All customers have to
be seated at a table,
so we all do table
service instead of only
working behind the
bar. Yeah, it’s a lot less
volume of customers,
but everyone has
been great about
following the rules
and keeping six feet
apart and wearing a
mask.
Your body is
incredibly hot and
muscular. How long
have you been
working out? And
tell me about your
workout regime
and diet. How do
you stay looking so
good?
I’ve been working
out for about 17 years. My routine is pretty
basic. I lift weights and work out each body
part at least once a week. My diet consists of
healthy sources of protein, fats, and carbs.
I try to avoid a lot of junk food, fried foods
and sugar. Also, I sleep a lot, about eight to
nine hours per night.
@ZACKSNYDER888

ISSUE #473
COVER:
ZACK SNYDER
PHOTO CREDIT:
RICK STOCKWELL
@RICKSTOCKWELL
PUBLISHER MICHAEL TODD
MIKE@GETOUTMAG.COM
DESIGN AGOTA CORREA
AGOTA@GETOUTMAG.COM
CONTRIBUTOR IAN-MICHAEL BERGERON
@IANMICHAELINWONDERLAND
CELEBRITY INTERVIEWER EILEEN SHAPIRO
@EILEENSHAPIRO3
NIGHTLIFE PHOTOGRAPHER WILSONMODELS
JEASO86@HOTMAIL.COM
The publications of MJT/GOOTH ENTERTAINMENT, getoutmag.com or any
other related print or Web publications or social media accounts, their images,
quotations or articles should not be construed to be an indication of the sexual
orientation of anyone portrayed therein.
All Content © Copyright 2019
MJT/GOOTH ENTERTAINMENT
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@ianmichaelinwonderland
An Audacious Autumn
BY IAN-MICHAEL BERGERON
Essays from a breakup
Dictionary.com
Audacious: adjective, extremely bold
or daring; recklessly brave; fearless: an
audacious explorer. (How I want to be.)
Prologue
You already know how this story goes.
If this were a book by Andrew Sean Greer
or Elizabeth Gilbert, you’d be reading
about a trip around the world: spaghetti
in Italy, a fling in Paris, a trek across the
Sahara desert. But the borders are closed,
as Covid-19 continues to spread. I will not
be eating pasta at a small outdoor table
or having sex with a stranger I met at the
Eiffel Tower or finding inner peace while
riding a camel. Metaphorically and literally
speaking, I’m stuck.
All the same, the truth is that this story
has been told a million times. Two
people meet, they fall in love, they start a
relationship. They break up.
That’s where this collection of essays
begins--where my last collection ended.
“Are we breaking up?” James asked
me. And when he couldn’t say any of the
things I needed him to say (“I hear you,”
“I understand where you’re coming from,”
“I’m going to work harder on this,” “I’m
going to fight for this,”) it was over.
She Wore Blue Velvet
I became very familiar with my best
friend’s couch over the next week.
It was blue velvet (“But when she left,
gone was the glow of…”) and folded
down, though I left it folded up, a sheet
beneath me and a Green Lantern quilt
on top. The couch was in his office, so I
was able to close the door and have my
privacy.
We’d just celebrated two years on May
1st. And four months later…
My dad always talks about the Bergeron
charm, which is scientifically proven to be
real. Little things just happen to go right
for us: never hitting red lights, finding the
last of what we were shopping for on the
shelf, stepping down onto the platform
just as the train arrives. One time I went to
visit a friend who was running a sunglass
booth at a convention, but I showed up
so late that everyone was tearing down.
Because it was over, my friend’s boss gave
me the TV they bought to show their
commercial during the convention! A
lovely parting gift.
Alas, I think there’s a Bergeron curse too-
-the two-year curse. When I was 19, I was
engaged for two years before we split up.
Adam and I broke up two months short of
our two-year anniversary. And now James!
But three has always been a lucky number
for me. Maybe, I told myself, if I can stay
with someone until the three-year mark,
we’re in the clear and the curse will be
broken.
I called out of work sick twice that week-
-yes, two times--and I wasn’t lying. I
couldn’t get out of bed. My entire body
ached from my hair follicles to my toes,
and I felt sick all day long—I couldn’t
eat and I could barely drink water. My
best friend and his partner woke up
every morning to me retching in their
bathroom—I’m a fantastic house guest, I
promise.
I had to wake up early every day because
getting ready took twice as long as
normal. Everything required so much
effort. Just lifting my arms to shampoo my
hair was exhausting.

This isn’t me, I told myself, laying down
on the blue velvet couch. I’m not the
type to be immobilized by a boy. To not
be able to get out of bed or focus at
work. I wasn’t suicidal, but as I lay wide
awake at night, body aching, I thought
Wouldn’t it be nice if I just didn’t wake
up?
Two years and four months. Three
months of dating before that. A year of
will-they-won’t-they? before that. Gone.
You don’t get anything back that you
give, I decided. You give all of these
parts of yourself to a relationship, you
give your all to a relationship, and when
it’s over—poof. Everything you gave it
is gone. That’s why you feel so empty
after a breakup--you have to rebuild
everything from the ground up. (“But in
my heart there’ll always be, Precious and
warm, a memory…”)
Little Gaymen
That Thursday, not a week after the
breakup, I had to return to our apartment
to pack a bag.
Every summer, a group of us go upstate
for the three-day weekend. We’d been
planning for a while, but of course now
the trip was one person less, an empty
seat reserved next to me in our Zipcar.
got the summer before. “It isn’t right.”
“Yes, it is,” he said firmly.
“Then why does it feel like this?” I felt
the tears come. I didn’t try to hold them
back. “We can work on this. We can
keep seeing the therapist. We don’t have
to go back to where we were. We can
rebuild this from the ground up.”
“I don’t want to.” He stood a little taller
than usual. “I need to do this.”
“And I need you.”
He left the room and left me alone, on
our bed, on our quilt. Only it wasn’t ours
anymore, and I had to accept that. He’d
take what was his and everything left
would be mine. My apartment. My quilt.
My life.
I’d spent an hour preparing a list of
everything I needed for the trip. Tears
streaming down my face, stomach
churning, body aching, I ignored the list
and grabbed what I could. Some shorts,
some T-shirts, some underwear, a book I
knew I wasn’t going to read, last month’s
Vogue.
The bedroom was in disarray because
James had begun to sort his things to
pack and move out. We’d agreed that
he’d move all of his things to a friend’s
place until he found a new apartment
and that he’d be gone by time I returned
from my trip.
He was there, wearing a pair of short
shorts and a bandana around his neck.
“Do you need any help packing?” he
asked.
“No,” I said. “I don’t want to be going
on this trip.”
“I know.”
“I want to stay here with you.” He said
nothing. “You should be going with me
on this trip.” He remained silent. “What if
this isn’t right?” I sat on the edge of our
bed, on top of the pink flamingo quilt we
Knowing that my favorite Classical Lit
heroines would be ashamed of me, I
zipped my Michael Kors weekender and
headed back to the blue velvet couch.
(“And I still can see blue…”)
Without a word to my friend or his
partner, I ran into their office and cried
myself to sleep. Jo March, forgive me.
I’m trying my best.
PHOTO BY STEVE BRENNAN

BY MICK SANDOVAL
2020 HOLIDAY
GIFT GUIDE
…for the gay guy who has everything
Let’s face it: the
best gifts are
more about want
than need. They
simultaneously
create and satisfy
a want you
probably didn’t
even know you
had. Necessities
are great, but uh,
you can only get
so many socks and
ties.
This year has been
especially chaotic
for most, so let’s
skip the lame gift
cards and clothes.
Instead, surprise
your man who
has everything
already with one
of these items he
never even knew
he wanted. He’ll
remember it much
longer than another
boring Ralph
Lauren scarf.
Alpha Male Cosmetics
Enhance your guy’s handsomeness in 2021 with
the Alpha Max Pack from Alpha Male Cosmetics.
It includes the Tinted Moisturizer, Hi-Def Liquid
Foundation (to hide blemishes), Liquid Concealer
(erases dark circles), Duo Powder (keeps the
face from getting shiny) and the pocket-sized
Concealer Pot. All work to correct conditions
that are unique to men’s tougher skin, including
razor bumps, ingrown hairs and dark spots,
while also covering them up. The water-based
liquid foundations and liquid concealers come
in 24 shades, more than any other male brand
out there right now, and are guaranteed not to
cause breakouts or skin irritations. All products in
the Alpha Max pack are sold separately as well.
$150.00 at AlphaMaleCosmetics.com

Helix Studios® 2021 Calendar
The limited edition 2021 Helix Studios
wall calendar includes 28 stunning, safefor-work
photos of your favorite Helix
Studios hunks to keep you company all
year long. In addition to 13 full monthly
spreads for Jan 2021-Jan 2022, the
calendar includes two reference pages
so you can look back at dates in 2020
and plan ahead for 2022. Printed on
11” x 8.5” high-quality photo-stock
paper, this beautifully composed
collection is a must have for Helix
fans and lovers of male photography.
Featuring Aiden Garcia, Alex Riley, Brian
Gibson, Devin Holt, Jace Myers, Jacob
Hansen, Johnny Hands, Josh Brady,
Keagan Case, Pheonix Fellington, Seth
Peterson, Travis Stevens, Trevor Harris,
Tristan Adler, and Tyler Sweet.
$14.95 at https://www.helixstudios.
net
Pitties and Pecs 2021 Calendar
The new edition of Mike
Ruiz’s annual calendar turns
the page on a difficult 2020
and looks ahead to a more
hopeful and huggable 2021.
Pitties and Pecs is bigger and
sexier than ever before--18
months of perfection--featuring
some of the most lovable
pups in the arms of equally
gorgeous male fitness models.
As always, Mike’s vision is
captivating and provocative,
but his message is timeless…
to end the discrimination
and misunderstanding of the
beloved Pit Bull type dog!
$24.99 at https://www.etsy.
com/listing/858527470/pittiespecs-2021-calendar

How To Bottom Like A Porn Star
The #1 gay sex guide on Amazon for four years in a
row returns this holiday season with a revised edition
featuring dozens of graphic, eye-popping medical
illustrations. How To Bottom Like A Porn Star is a
beginner’s step-by-step guide to clean, painless
bottoming. It reveals all the secrets to having great
sex, including optimized positions to increase
enjoyment, top doctor-recommended cleansing
products to avoid messiness, and the :60 Sphincter
Release Method, a foolproof way of relaxing the
sphincter for pain-free penetration. It is based on a
proven neuromuscular technique that is well known
among physical therapists. Michael Alvear combines
his unique brand of witty wisdom with the most
up-to-date research from his team of urologists and
colon-rectal specialists for an engaging how-to book
that entertains as much as it informs.
Paperback is $16.99 at
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08KY45DCV
Rainbow Revolution
Magnus Hastings’ new coffee table
book is a collection of vibrant portraits
that celebrate the expanding spectrum
of queer identity and visibility.
Inspired by the photographer’s social
media campaign #GayFace, Rainbow
Revolution is packed with more
than 300 photographs of everyday
individuals and celebrities like Kathy
Griffin, Boy George, Luke Evans, and
fan favorites from RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Accompanying Hastings’ gorgeous
photos are powerful essays from
some of the subjects, detailing their
own personal battles in stories that
are marked with sincerity and humor.
$40 at http://magnushastings.com/
rainbowrevolution.

Rick and Griff Merchandise
On their popular social channel called
Rick and the Griffopotamus, Rick
and Griff Twombley-King strive to
destigmatize gay sex by pushing the
envelope with finely crafted, visually
stimulating, evocative images.
They are now doing the same with
products from Two Kings Unlimited.
Their deck of cards took two years
to complete. For their coffee table
book, they enlisted some of the
top male fitness photographers
working today, including Mike Ruiz,
Michael Stokes and Mack Sturgis.
Their pajama onesies are perfect to
snuggle in and their line of phallic sex
toys molded from the real things will
keep your guy busy for hours.
$15.99 - $169.99 at
TwoKingsUnlimited.com.