Focus on the Family Magazine - December 2020/January 2021

Helping Families Thrive in Christ
Helping Families
DEC 2020 / JAN 2021
DEC 2020 / JAN 2021
Canada
SAFETY VIOLATION ZONE copy in this zone not safe per trim variance (.25 inch).
Celebrating
Fun & Faith
at Christmas
A pg. NEW 31 PAINTING
BY MORGAN WEISTLING
pg. 12
PREPARING THE
WAY FOR JESUS
WHAT DOES YOUR
SPOUSE REALLY WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS?

Christmas List
New coat
not short but not too long
School shoes what size - 8 or 9?
Video game
which one?
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December 2020 / January 2021
Contents
Couples
13 WHEN YOU’RE GIVEN A TALENT
The day I could no longer take credit
for the gifts God had given me
by Morgan Weistling with Lydia McMullen
14 WHAT DOES YOUR SPOUSE REALLY
WANT THIS CHRISTMAS?
Give the best gift you’ll ever give
by Gary Thomas
19 ENVISIONING THE
NEW YEAR TOGETHER
Setting goals for the next 12 months
will help you draw closer as a couple
by Kathi Lipp
In Every
Issue
4 DALY A LETTER FOCUS FROM
5 HACKS THE PRESIDENT & FACTS
115 MEDIA HACKS & FACTS
Faith & Inspiration
21 PREPARING THE WAY FOR JESUS
Count down to Christmas with
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s 2020 Advent
calendar
by Pixel to Craft
26 WANTED: ESTHER AHMAD
Recruited for jihad, rescued by Jesus
by Ana Gascon Ivey
29 HOW IS YOUR TO AVOID BATTERY AN RUNNING HOA HUMBUG LOW?
Know It’s tough your to rights serve when others you when
decorate you haven’t for recharged the holidays
by Bruce Tammy Hausknecht Darling with
Karen Scalf Bouchard
11 25 MEDIA PRODUCTS & RESOURCES
43 MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY
Kids & Teens
31 CELEBRATING FUN AND
FAITH AT CHRISTMAS
Simple activities for bringing your
family closer together
by Jessica Smartt
35 NEW TRADITIONS TO
REPLACE LOST HOLIDAYS
Creating memories for the sake of
your new family
by Stephanie Judy
37 FROM UNTHINKABLE TRAGEDY
TO UNBELIEVABLE GRACE
Why one foster-care mother chose
to extend God’s love in the midst of
great loss
by Cindy Lambert
40 CREATIVE CONNECTIONS
Try these fun ways to build
memories with your grandkids!
compiled and written by Sheila Seifert

daly A LETTER focus FROM THE PRESIDENT
Jim Daly Terence is the Rolston president is
president of <strong>Focus</strong> of on <strong>Focus</strong> the on Family the
and host Family of the Canada <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family broadcast.
His column is available at
JimDalyBlog.com.
Morgan Weistling’s painting
“A Prayer for a New Life.” See
page 12.
Jim Daly
God-given hope in
difficult potential times
CHRISTMAS THERE ANYTHING IS A TIME MORE OF
CELEBRATION HOPEFUL than the and sight appreciation of a newborn of
child? God’s plan Brimming of salvation with life through and teeming Christ. with A
time potential, that is a so helpless special baby to all reminds of us who us know that
Jesus we are Christ “fearfully as Lord. and And wonderfully being so made” close by
our to the heavenly end of Father year, (Psalm these 139:14), celebrations and that
seamlessly in Him, “Surely flow there into reflections is a future, on and the your year
we hope just will had—its not be ups cut off” and (Proverbs its downs. 23:18).
As Our we friend look back Morgan at 2020 Weistling and all has that created has
a happened, print for <strong>Focus</strong> it could on easily the Family cause feelings this year of
despair. that captures We have these had truths a difficult beautifully. year—and Titled
“A it Prayer is important for a New to acknowledge Life,” it depicts that, a but pioneer at
the family same on time, the open so important plains of to early focus America, on our
welcoming hope as enter a precious the new newborn year. into their
intimate God, our circle. Immanuel, For those came of us to accustomed be with in to the seeing midst babies of
difficult born in the times. safe He and chose organized to enter confines a world of turmoil a hospital when room, his
children this image most might desperately be a bit shocking. needed hope.
The We don’t dusty see and the dirty need frontier for hope environment when things may are going seem like
a well—when harsh place we for are an living infant. a peace-filled But I’d suggest and that uncomplicated
the baby in
this life. We wonderful understand print and is in need the hope safest when possible things environment.
are
A challenging, pristine birthing when all suite we’re is no left substitute with are questions, for the love, and when
giving nurture up and protection becoming of cynical a mother seems and like father. only The option. young
couple The hope in this we idyllic experience scene as are children shielding of God their does precious not come
child—physically, from our own power. spiritually, We can’t prayerfully—from muster up hope. The the hope world we
outside. have and hold on to comes from God when we admit our
limitations “A Prayer for and a lean New with Life” childlike takes on trust an even on the deeper sovereignty
and significance strength during of our Saviour, January’s knowing Sanctity he of holds Human tomorrow Life and
Month. he walks As with we us. look back on a tragic 48 years of legalized
abortion The well-known in this nation, verse our of “Be hearts strong grieve and for courageous” the millions in of
Joshua precious is babies often said whose without lives the have latter been part, snuffed and when out before we
even take it having out, we the miss chance the whole to realize point: their God-given potential.
“Be As we strong pray and courageous. advocate for Do an not end be to frightened, abortion, and may do
not we find be dismayed, hope in another for LORD Baby born your God in dust is with and you grime— wherever
you the Christ go.” (Joshua child whose 1:9, emphasis birth we added) celebrate during this holy
season. This Christmas, Through His however birth, you’re life, death celebrating, and resurrection, I pray you’ll we
have hold on hope. to the He hope has promised, that comes “Behold, with the I faith am making that our all God
really things is new” with (Revelation us. 21:5).
Until that day comes, may each of us serve as vessels of
His renewing power and be willing to “speak up for those
who can’t speak for themselves” (Proverbs 31:8, NIrV), as
Terence
He would
Rolston
have us do.
JEN FOTF LINTS CA PHOTOGRAPHY
/ DAVID PIECHNIK
president Jim Daly
chief operating officer Ken Windebank
publisher Steve Johnson
focus editorial canada director president Sheila Terence Seifert Rolston
editorial managing director editor Sheila Andrea Seifert Gutierrez
managing copy chief editor Scott Andrea DeNicola Gutierrez
copy contributing chief Scott editors DeNicola Ginger Kolbaba, Vance
contributing Fry, Marianne editors Hering, Ginger Karen Kolbaba, Scalf Bouchard
Vance and Jeff Fry, Masching Marianne Hering, Karen Scalf
Bouchard art director and Brian Jeff Mellema Masching
art designer director Anneka Brian Mellema Jack
designer cover Morgan Anneka Weistling Jack
cover media © publishing Peter Meciar director / Stocksy Kevin United Shirin
media editorial publishing assistant director Kat Bittner Kevin Shirin
editorial print production assistant Gail Kat Bittner Wise
print circulation production Sandy Gail Grivy Wise
circulation Sandy Grivy
Thank you!
Thank you!
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4
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021 

CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING
Pass the Parcel
Try this fun musical game that kids in the United
Kingdom enjoy. Prepare beforehand by wrapping a
gift in multiple layers of wrapping paper in various
patterns.
To play, children sit on the floor in a circle and
pass the gift to the next person while a song plays
in the background. An adult stops the music at
random intervals. The child who’s left holding the
gift unwraps one layer. Then the music continues.
The music starts and stops until a child removes
the last layer of wrapping paper. That child gets to
keep the gift.
Tip: Remember the innermost layer’s paper pattern
to know when the game is nearing the finish.
—T.F. Edwords
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
December 2020 / January 2021  FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5

HACKS & FACTS / CHRISTMAS
Papa Sacks
Before unwrapping Christmas gifts, our
family opens brown paper bags we call “Papa
Sacks.” They typically contain fruit, peanuts, some
candy and a simple gift. The bags remind us how our
grandparents and great-grandparents could not afford
Christmas gifts during the Great Depression. Most years
they received very little, but they still enjoyed and celebrated
Christmas. Papa Sacks are a family tradition
that reminds us that Christmas is not about expensive
presents but about celebrating the birth of
Jesus Christ.
—David Cox
Toddler-
Friendly
Tree
My husband and I put
unbreakable ornaments
on the tree when our kids
were toddlers. We wanted
the tree to be a symbol of the
peace of Christ, so we made sure
our interactions with the toddlers
were peaceful. We didn’t block off
the tree or scold our children to leave it
alone. When my daughter pulled off the little
stuffed-bear ornaments multiple times, I
smiled and put them back up again.
—Amber Bulk
St. Nicholas Day
After my son Nicholas was born, we decided to celebrate St. Nicholas Day on Dec. 6. Every year, the
kids lay out their shoes before bed. We read the story of Nicholas of Myra, who left gold in the shoes of poor
girls. In the morning, our kids wake up to a surprise: gold coins (chocolate!) and a new tree ornament.
Something else we do is let the kids decide on a way to practice the spirit of giving. Some years our family has
volunteered in a soup kitchen. One year, we rang the bell for the Salvation Army in near-freezing temperatures.
Their favorite activity has been filling shoeboxes with gifts for children in need through Operation
Christmas Child. The hope is that perhaps they will change someone’s life through their service.
—Megan Bray
To save money and stress, 16% of
survey respondents said they were
willing to boycott gift-giving.
source: Bankrate.com, 2019 survey
6
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021 

CHRISTMAS / HACKS & FACTS
Character Cards
At Christmastime, we create birthday cards for Jesus, and as our
“gift” to Him, we try to better observe the fruit of the Spirit from
Galatians 5:22-23, the quality or attribute most challenging to each
of us. For one child it might be patience, for another self-control. We
brainstorm situations and actions that strengthen our patience, such
as waiting for a turn, or self-control in sharing belongings without
becoming angry. Then we write or draw these ideas on our cards.
On Christmas Eve, the completed cards are placed in a stocking,
to be opened and shared with the family on Christmas
morning. Each child is able to celebrate the birthday of
Jesus in a personal, tangible way, becoming “doers”
of the Word and growing in strength of
character.
—Nancy Koenig
A Crib of
Kindness
I made a manger out of a box. Then each time
my 4- or 6-year-old did a good deed, obeyed
or prayed for others, he or she could put a
soft piece of cotton in the manger. We
talked about how Jesus wants us to
do kind things for others because
doing so helps soften our
hearts to love others.
—Joan Leotta
Christmas
Stargazing
We took advantage of the darkness one December evening
and went outside with our children—ages 4, 14 and
16—for star viewing. My oldest shared his telescope with
his siblings, who took turns searching for the brightest
star. We named it the Christmas Star, took turns admiring
its beauty and talked about the star at Jesus’ birth.
It was a peaceful Christmas moment as we huddled
near one another, looking up in quiet awe.
—Carrie Nelson
An
Unfinished Present
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
One year I learned that even a Christmas gone awry is still a time for celebration.
That year I tried to paint sets of peg dolls for my children for Christmas. Even
though I worked into the wee hours night after night, I finished only eight of
the 20 I had planned to make. I thought the kids would be disappointed, but
they had a more exciting time watching me paint the remaining dolls.
Remembering that experience has helped take the pressure off
of having the “perfect” Christmas experience.
—Cassi Griesbach
December 2020 / January 2021  FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7

HACKS & FACTS / BIBLE LITERACY
Creative Bible
Storytelling
My kids often glued craft sticks together to
create people, boats, wells, tents, carts or
animals to tell the Bible story we learned
that day. They’ve also used other craft items
such as paint, stickers, fuzzy balls and foam
cutouts to complete their creation. They
enjoyed using a small kiddie pool to float
their characters on “the Sea of Galilee,” while
a sandbox represented the desert where the
Israelites wandered.
—Mysty Pfeffer
Find It in the Bible
My young son had access to easy-to-read illustrated Bibles. After
church, he’d come home and say, “I want to read about Jonah.”
So, we’d look it up. When he heard a sermon, he’d write down the
Scripture reference to read later. We would underline and highlight
the passage together.
After his grandmother died, my son asked about heaven. We
looked up verses about heaven and about the absence of pain
and suffering. Through his asking questions and our looking up
answers together, he eventually learned how to search the Bible
for answers on his own.
Peace at Bedtime
Carpool Proverbs
—Tiffany Elliott
My son used to wake from nightmares. One night, before bedtime,
I read Psalm 23 with him. Verse by verse, he echoed me. I read the
passage as a prayer for him. It brought him peace. Reading Psalm
23 became integral to our bedtime routine.
We took a photo of him lying in grass representing Psalm 23:2,
“He makes me lie down in green pastures.” As he held that photo,
we would recount the verse. Now he has Psalm 23 memorized.
—Traci Robinson
When driving with my tweens in the car, I often played my audio
Bible—usually the book of Proverbs—through the car’s sound
system. It became a habit on our drive to school to listen to the
proverb that correlated to the date. This often led to questions and
great learning times.
—Shonda Holt
The King James Bible
contains more than
780,000
words.
source: KingJamesBible
Dictionary.com
Sketching
Scripture
Art journals allow my children to
artistically interpret the Word of
God. Here is what they do:
1. Read Scripture and think about
a particular passage or verse.
2. Sketch what it means to them.
Then they continue with crayons,
markers or paint to finish their artwork.
One time, my daughter drew
a picture of a Bible lying open with
a lamp shining beams of light on it.
She drew a green plant sprouting
out of the page. This represented
Luke 8:11, “The seed is the word of
God.”
—Natasha Smith
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
8
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021 

PRAYER / HACKS & FACTS
DAILY PRAYERS FOR
YOUR KIDS’ CHARACTER
I have found it valuable to pray for noble character qualities
for my children, asking God to instill these attributes
in them. I follow a schedule every week, so I remember
which traits to pray for.
Sunday
I ask God to help my children continue
to mature in faith, learning
how to communicate God’s love
and truth to others.
Monday
I ask God to help my children be
wise in managing relationships,
money and time.
Tuesday
I ask God to help my children
show self-discipline and not be
quick-tempered, argumentative or
divisive.
Wednesday
I ask God to help my children be
hospitable, patient, humble and
respectful toward others.
Thursday
I ask God to help my children learn to
be gentle and kind, with a joyful disposition
that reflects God’s peace.
Friday
I ask God to help my children be
free from the love of money and
materialism, pursuing activities that
please God.
Saturday
I ask God to help my children love
justice, offer mercy to others and
not be prejudiced in any way.
—Dr. Rhett H. Wilson Sr.
Pray for the Day
Every morning before school, my
son and I prayed for his day. Here
are the three guidelines I used:
1. Keep it short. This helps hold
kids’ attention.
2. Keep them involved. Ask what
they would like to pray about.
3. Keep it consistent. If you forget
one day, start back up the next.
—Jen Chapman
Capturing Your
Child’s First Prayer
There are a lot of “firsts” in a baby’s life that we anticipate and
make sure to document, but I never thought about my son’s first
prayer until it happened. After he prayed, I scrambled to write it
down before I forgot his words. I am so glad I did, because I will
always treasure that 3x5 card with scribbled writing.
We need to be ready to capture some of our most precious
memories with a photo, video or note. This will help us remember
the moment. For me, reading the words of my little boy talking to
God for the first time—and thinking about the sweet way he said,
“Hi God!” to start his prayer—gives me joy.
—Faith Eng
December 2020 / January 2021  FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9

HACKS & FACTS / CHORES
A Cure for
Boredom
If I hear a child state, “I’m bored” or “There’s
nothing to do,” I immediately cure those
boredom blues with a list of 10 chores. My
eldest tested me by declaring, “I’m bored”
five times. I told him that I would gladly help
him and wrote out 10 chores. He looked
puzzled and asked, “Why didn’t you give me
50?” I replied that he was certainly getting
50 jobs, but I was starting him with 10 while
I came up with another 40. At the end of
the day, my house was clean, and my son’s
boredom was cured.
The Chore Draft
I took my boys’ love for football and
incorporated it into a Chore Draft. I
listed our chores, and then on “draft
day,” the boys took turns choosing a
chore they preferred until we went
through the entire list. Everyone had
to choose a kitchen chore to be done
every day for mealtime cleanup. They
also chose evenly from lists of weekly
and monthly chores. And, just as in a
football draft, they could trade chores
at any time as long as they traded within
the same category. This frees up my
time so I can do more important things,
like “team management.”
—Krystal Perea
Music Motivation
To motivate my children to wash dishes,
I encourage them to play their three
favorite songs. This not only helps lift
their mood, but also adds fun. They try
to finish the task before the music stops.
GET THE FREE EBOOK: PDF:
AVOIDING CHORE WARS
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/ChoreWars
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—Carrie Nelson
—Cori Salchert
Laundry Lessons
Each week my 4- and 6-year-olds were given a pile of towels
and washcloths to fold. I instructed them to fold “corner to corner,
and then corner to corner.” The kids repeated those words
as they worked. At first their piles were unsightly, but I still placed
them in the closet for family use. I chose to praise them for completing
their task no matter the result, in order to teach them
pride in their work.
Gradually, their chores got more difficult. Now as middle
schoolers, they chuckle over the memories of their unsightly
piles of towels.
—Bev Gunter
ISTOCK.COM / RAWPIXEL
10
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021 

PLUGGED IN / MEDIA
UPCOMING
REVIEWS
For reviews of these and other
titles, visit PluggedIn.com, PluggedIn.ca, <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family’s media review and
discernment website.
(TOP TO BOTTOM) MARVEL STUDIOS; TWENTIETH CENTURY STUDIOS; TWENTIETH CENTURY STUDIOS
FREE GUY
Will Ryan Reynolds tone down his edgy
humor in this new action comedy?
Scheduled release: Dec. 11
FROM TOP: LUCASFILM LTD, DISNEY / PIXAR, MARVEL
“WANDAVISION”
Parents may not know
what to expect when
this bizarre Marvel
spin-off launches on
Disney+.
Scheduled release:
December
WEST SIDE STORY
How does Steven
Spielberg’s big-screen
remake handle Tony and
Maria’s doomed romance?
Scheduled release: Dec. 18
I’ve heard the phrase “media discernment”
recently, but I’m not
sure exactly what this means.
Can you explain it to me?
That’s a great question. For
Christians, practicing media
discernment involves using
biblical wisdom as a framework for considering
our media and entertainment
choices. It’s something that we implement
as parents and help our children
learn how to do as well. Integrating
media discernment into your family’s
entertainment choices involves a couple
of concrete steps.
First, before you watch or listen to
something, play a game, or engage with
the internet or social media, do your
homework on what you will encounter.
Plugged In’s reviews of movies, music,
TV, games and books are a great starting
point to prevent unwanted exposure to
inappropriate content.
Second, after you engage, follow up
with questions that prompt deeper
reflection. For younger kids, it can be as
simple as, “Who do you relate to in that
movie?” For teens, you can ask compareand-contrast
questions like, “How does
that show line up with what we believe
as Christians?” Or, “What do you think
that movie’s main values or ideals are?”
The goal of practicing biblical media
discernment is bigger than avoiding the
bad stuff. It’s about cultivating a stance
toward media that is active, engaged and
conversation oriented, instead of just
being passive consumers. We’re striving
to give our kids the right tools to
recognize worldviews and narratives in
popular culture, and to evaluate them
critically through the lens of faith.
—Adam Holz, director of Plugged In
December 2020 / January 2021  FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11

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when you’re given a talent
The day I could no longer take credit
for the gifts God had given me
BY MORGAN WEISTLING WITH LYDIA MCMULLEN
©FOX & BEAR VIA CREATIVE MARKET
I MET JESUS WHILE ON A
DATE with my future wife, JoAnn.
I like to think of it as a date, though
she didn’t at the time. It was a date to
go to church together in 1988. At the
time, art was my god. I was designing
posters for blockbuster movies. At age
20, I was living my dream of being a
successful illustrator and was pretty
pleased with my life.
Enter JoAnn Peralta.
An invitation
She caught my eye right away, and
when an opportunity to substitute
teach at her art school arose, I jumped
at it. From the start, JoAnn was
straight with me. She said, “I’m a
Christian,” and made it clear she
was unwilling to have a romantic
relationship with a man who didn’t
share her beliefs.
But her stand didn’t exclude sharing
her faith with me, and so she
invited me to church. JoAnn was
undaunted by my lack of faith, and
she welcomed the opportunity to
introduce me to her church family.
An assignment
Over the next six months, I found
myself going to a smattering of
church services, and nothing convinced
me that I needed God. But
then during one service, the pastor
passed out blank pieces of paper with
an assignment. “If God’s given you a
talent that you could use to help us
out at the church,” he said, “write it
down, include your phone number
and turn it back in.”
My mind started spinning. If God’s
given you a talent kept repeating in
my thoughts. At that moment, my
whole life played out in my head—
especially all of the things God had
given me and done for me that I
had taken as coincidences. I knew
I couldn’t keep taking credit for the
gifts God had given me. He had my
attention. That short phrase—“If
God’s given you a talent”—changed
the trajectory of my career as an artist
and began to change my worldview.
A relationship
I am grateful that JoAnn wasn’t
afraid to share her faith with me
even as I argued that religion wasn’t
a crutch I needed. Her willingness to
simply invite me into her life allowed
me to encounter God without pressure.
In that church pew, I became a
Christian.
From there, the purpose and subject
matter of my art shifted. I started
creating paintings that could help
save a baby’s life or bring reconciliation
to a struggling marriage. Art was
no longer my god.
In 1992, after officially dating
JoAnn, we were married. And today,
I open my life and share my faith with
others through my paintings and in
person, because JoAnn first opened
her life to me. •
morgan Weistling painted “a Prayer for a new
Life,” Life.” Lydia which mcmullen is on the cover served of as this an magazine. intern with
Lydia <strong>Focus</strong> mcmullen on the Family. served as an intern with
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13

cOuPlES / SELFLESS LOVE
Give the best gift you’ll ever give
BY GARY THOMAS / PHOTOS BY BRIAN MELLEMA

SELFLESS LOVE / cOuPlES
PODCAST
“THE GOAL FOR EVERY
MARRIED COUPLE.”
Learn how to maintain a servant’s
heart toward your spouse during
the changing seasons of marriage.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/
ServeYourSpouse
I HAVE A WEALTHY FRIEND
who gave his wife something for
Christmas that didn’t cost any money.
He presented her with a card that
said, “I’m giving you a year of my
pursuing gentleness and patience.”
My friend had gifted his wife plenty
of expensive items through the years
that resulted in a kiss or a “Thank you,
that’s so thoughtful!” This was the
first present he gave her (other than
her engagement ring) that caused her
to cry tears of joy. He was giving her
himself. For years, she had been asking
for him to see her, hear her and
treat her in a way that made her feel
cherished. She wanted something
most of us desire: an intimate, emotionally
connected marriage.
When I asked Lisa to marry me,
she didn’t have a car, a job or even
$1,000 to her name. I just wanted her
and was thrilled when she said yes.
I didn’t bring much into the marriage
either, by the way: a 10-year-old Ford
Maverick Grabber, an English literature
degree and a summer job with
no guarantee of an income in the
fall. But that, apparently, was enough
for Lisa. On our wedding day, all we
could give to each other was ourselves.
Thirty-six years later, it’s still
what both of us want.
We don’t get married to slowly
become strangers. Yet life seems
determined to pull us apart. Why not
use Christmas as a chance to “regift”
ourselves to our spouses? It may
be the best Christmas present yet.
In a way, it is a reenactment of our
engagement. Isn’t engagement essentially
saying, I’m giving you myself ?
Here are some practical ways you
can gift “yourself” to your spouse.
Kill the spiders
Brent married a woman whose
dad was an alcoholic. Brent doesn’t
believe the Bible explicitly prohibits
all alcohol use, and he enjoyed an
occasional beer. Whenever his wife
smelled it on his breath, however,
it brought back horrific memories
from her childhood. All the defense
mechanisms that her mind had constructed
to protect herself from her
father launched themselves with
ferocity to protect herself from him.
Brent realized if he wanted to be one
with her, drinking was not a risk he
was willing to take. He stopped drinking—or
as I call it, he killed a spider.
I have nothing against spiders,
per se. They don’t scare me, but my
wife hates when they find their way
into our house, and she’s a fierce
advocate of “cleanliness is next to
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15

cOuPlES / SELFLESS LOVE
godliness,” so she loathes spider
webs. If I see a spider, to please Lisa,
I kill it. Not because the spider bugs
me, but because it bugs my wife.
One of the best things you can
do to give yourself to each other is
to start ruthlessly killing “spiritual
spiders.” A spiritual spider is anything
rooted in your spouse’s past or
present that haunts her, hurts her,
discourages her or makes her feel
distant from you. Killing such a spider
is about making your spouse feel
safe and connected.
Rae fell in love with Curtis, who is
passionately devoted to Christ. His
faith drew her to him first and foremost.
One day he confessed that it
really bothered him when she
watched a popular reality television
show. “That show represents everything
we don’t believe,” Curtis
pointed out, “and it attacks practically
everything we do believe.”
Because Curtis is in med school,
they don’t have a lot of free time
together. He wanted what little time
they did have to be spent doing
things they could both enjoy.
Rae chose to give up watching
that series. She realized Curtis wasn’t
being controlling—he was simply
calling her to join him in recreation
they could mutually enjoy during an
especially busy season.
Some spouses might protest: “I
like an occasional beer!” “I enjoy
watching that show!” “Why should I
give that up just because my spouse
has a problem with it?”
If you want an intimate marriage,
you need to realize that an individualbut-isolating
preference is costing
you more than the hobby is worth.
By definition, giving costs something—in
order to give something
to someone, you have to give something
up (the money it costs to buy,
the time you spend to pick it out,
the fact that it now belongs to that
person and not to you). An intimate
marriage is built on finding
those spiders to kill and being ruthless
with anything that doesn’t make
your spouse feel safe, cherished and
connected to you.
Pursue honesty
Cassie has a penchant for junk food.
Her husband is a “read the labels”
kind of guy who thinks if God doesn’t
grow it, people shouldn’t eat it.
While Cassie agrees with him, she
still enjoys food she knows disgusts
him. So she kept her eating habits
secret by hiding food wrappers.
16
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021

SELFLESS LOVE / cOuPlES
Every time she did that, however,
or stole off by herself to gulp something
down in private, Cassie felt
worse and more distant from her
husband. She felt judged even
though he didn’t know anything
about what she was doing.
A friend encouraged Cassie to be
honest with him. “You’re not giving
him a chance to accept you.” So
Cassie took a risk and confessed.
To her amazement, he responded
with grace. “I don’t want you to hide
from me,” he said. In fact, he began
bringing home her favorite candy
bar every Friday night for a weekend
treat. Eating it in the open, in front
of him, was one of the most freeing
things Cassie had ever done in her
marriage. She was giving her husband
the gift of self: I’m yours, I’m
not hiding. Here I am, as I really am.
One of the “gifts of self” I give my
wife is a weekly Covenant Eyes, a
report that is sent directly to her.
It details any “objectionable” content
I might have accessed online.
I’ve read horror stories about what
many people are getting involved
in on the internet. Imagine the
Christmas gift it would be to tell
your spouse, “I want you to know I
have eyes only for you. Everything
I see on my phone, tablet or laptop,
you’re going to know about.” Most
spouses would welcome such a gift.
Sharing all your passwords is like
sharing yourself.
There comes a point when we are
tempted to resent the accountability
of marriage, where everything is on
display—what we’re eating, watching
or doing to relax. We can either
allow that accountability to help us
make wise choices, or if we resist, we
might start hiding or misleading our
spouse. That’s when we stop giving
ourselves to each other. We essentially
say, “I’m not going to let you
see who I really am.”
That isn’t just destructive to your
marriage, it’s destructive to yourself.
Hiding yourself destroys your
peace, your joy and inevitably, your
security. Eventually, not pursuing
honesty with your spouse will make
you resent your spouse’s presence
instead of cherishing it. When you
give the gift of yourself by ruthlessly
pursuing honesty, you grow closer to
each other.
Practice blessing
On year 22 of his marriage, Kevin
attended a men’s conference that
urged husbands to go home and
do something for their wives. Kevin
prayerfully considered what to do
until he sensed the Lord asking him
a question: What does Sherry hate
doing more than anything else?
That’s easy, Kevin thought.
Making the bed. Kevin has now
made their bed more than 4,000
mornings in a row, praying for his
wife as he does so.
Blessing our spouses is a great
opportunity to double down on giving
ourselves by doing things for
them that only we can do. My wife
is fond of talking about her “magic
gas tank.” With a little forethought,
I make sure her car’s tank never gets
empty. It’s a relatively small thing
I do once a week, and it makes my
wife feel cherished.
A counselor friend once told me,
“If married people would wake up
each day and ask what one thing
they could do that day to bless their
spouse, the divorce rate would
plummet.”
Make their dreams
come true
Alicia’s husband, Barron, was a
rabid soccer fan. Five years before
they became empty-nesters,
Alicia started a surprise fund. She
scrimped and saved, and even took
“donations” from friends who heard
what she was doing.
For their 32nd anniversary, Alicia
told her husband, who had never
been out of the country, that they
were going to England to watch
Barron’s favorite team, Manchester
United, play at Old Trafford. They
got to tour this stadium that Barron
had seen many times on television,
and he got to walk the grounds and
watch a game, wearing his red jersey,
along with the tens of thousands of
other fans who packed Old Trafford
for a home match.
Whether it’s at the beginning,
middle or empty-nest season of
marriage, start thinking about how
you can make one of your spouse’s
SACRED MARRIAGE
Read more about God’s design
for your marriage in Gary
Thomas’ Sacred Marriage.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Store.
SacredMarriage.
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17

WHAT DOES IT
MEAN TO
“OH, HONEY,
WE NEE D THIS”
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“bucket list” items come true. For
Donnie, it was to buy his wife, Jaclyn,
a professional camera. He encouraged
her to quit her job so she could
pursue her dream of becoming a
photographer. That meant Donnie
had to take a second job to replace
the income lost from Jaclyn’s prior
employment. But Donnie told her,
“I didn’t marry you to take away your
dreams. I married you to make your
dreams come true.”
That was 15 years ago. Now every
time Jaclyn sees one of her photos
on a billboard, she’s reminded of
how Donnie gave himself to help her
achieve her vocational goals.
Reach for the goal
Christmas doesn’t have to be the
only time you give to your spouse.
You can have this goal in every season
of marriage: I am yours. Giving
yourself to your spouse means that—
more than you belong to your job,
your hobby, your family of origin or
even your children—you belong to
your spouse. And you are going to
find new ways in every season of life
to keep giving yourself.
My wealthy friend, whom I mentioned
at the beginning of this article,
had a business setback during the
economic collapse in 2008, from
which his business continued to
struggle. He thought he might
finally be on his way back when
COVID-19 shut down the economy
and crushed his resurrected business
plans. He’s humbled that in
his 50s, he can’t afford the kinds of
Christmas gifts he gave to his wife in
his 30s. But because many years ago
he wisely chose to give his wife the
gift of self, she’s content and joyful as
she faces the future with him. They
have a marriage most only dream of.
The gift of self is the heart of marriage
that goes back to your wedding
vows: “For better, for worse, for
richer, for poorer, in sickness and in
health,” I give you my self. There’s no
more meaningful present you can
give to your spouse this Christmas
than that. •
Gary Thomas is a speaker and the bestselling
author of Sacred Marriage.
LISTEN NOW!
Gary Thomas describes how God
uses marriage to make us holy, not
just happy, in “Embracing God’s
Desire for Your Marriage.”
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/
YourMarriage

COMMUNICATION / cOuPlES
envisioning the
new year together
Setting goals for the next 12 months
will help you draw closer as a couple
BY KATHI LIPP / ILLUSTRATION BY BRIAN MELLEMA
IT WAS OUR FIRST NEW
YEAR’S EVE AS A MARRIED
COUPLE. As I shared my goals
for the coming year (remodeling
parts of our house and completing
a big writing project), I could see my
new husband’s face fall.
When I asked Roger about it, he
tried to downplay his disappointment.
“I thought we would save up
for a summer vacation,” he finally
admitted. But the look in his eyes
said it all—in my excitement, I had
completely left him out of my plans.
To avoid such marriage-testing
discussions in the future, my husband
and I make a plan to talk
about how we want our year to go.
I have to admit, instead of being
dry and businesslike, this exercise
opens the door to surprisingly
intimate conversations.
We start off with one category
and talk through what we’d like
to accomplish in the year ahead.
Notebook in hand, we write down
our goals and then break them into
doable chunks. Gradually we work
our way through the categories.
Here are a few of the categories, and
the questions we ask each other:
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19

cOuPlES / COMMUNICATION
House
What projects do we want to accomplish
around the house in the next
12 months? We look at our resources
(space, time, energy and money) and
make a list of what we need for each
project. We consider our skills and
how we can help each other (I can
paint his workshop. He can build me
a chicken coop).
We add tasks we both want to get
done, like replacing our water heater.
Then we decide on the order of priority.
This list keeps me from secretly
being frustrated about what’s not
getting done. Plus, by putting a price
tag on each project, we can create
savings goals and can start saving up
for what we want to accomplish.
Finances
James W. Frick, a former vice president
at the University of Notre
Dame, said, “Don’t tell me where
your priorities are. Show me where
you spend your money, and I’ll tell
you what they are.”
Wow—that’s convicting. The
question is: How do we want
our bank statement to look in
December? Were we purposeful in
how we spent our money, or will
we look back and ask, “Where did
it all go?” Each new year is a time
not only to make plans for how we
spend our money, but also to decide
how much to put aside for a crisis.
Faith
I love and trust my husband. So we
ask each other where we are spiritually,
and listen without judgment. I
can admit (and he probably already
knows) that this year has been a “valley”
year for me. We will discuss how
we want to grow deeper in our faith
individually and as a couple. Some
of the areas we cover are retreats we
may want to attend, practices we
want to develop and books we’d like
to read as a couple or with a group.
Health
Where are we in our physical health?
We take a look at how we’ve been
eating, exercising and resting. We
evaluate whether we need to prepare
meals differently or refocus
some of our money for things like
a gym membership. This is also a
great time to make sure annual
physicals and dentist appointments
are scheduled. The big question we
ask: How can we support each other
in our goal of becoming healthier?
Relationship
Is there an aspect of our marriage
we want to work on this year? Is
it time for a tune-up with a counselor
or for reading a marriage book
together? Perhaps it’s time to plan
a couple’s retreat (at home or away)
to get some fun back into our relationship
after a long, hard year.
Mental wellness
This is a new category for us, but
it should have been included all
along. We need to be checking in on
each other, especially after the year
most of us have had. How can we
help each other improve our mental
wellness in the year to come?
Ideas include talking to a counselor,
encouraging each other to
go on walks and get out in nature,
and affirming our spouse’s need to
spend time with family and friends.
The first time you discuss goals for
the upcoming year, it may feel awkward,
hard or just plain weird. But
on the other side is a new level of
intimacy with the one you love. And
a year you can both enjoy. •
Kathi Lipp is the author of many books
including Ready for Anything: Preparing your
heart and home for any crisis big or small. She
is also a frequent guest on radio and TV, and
the host of the podcast clutter Free academy.
LISTEN NOW!
Is one of your goals this year to rid
your home of clutter? Tune in to
the broadcast to hear Kathi Lipp’s
advice for tidying your space.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Declutter
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
20
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021

FaITH & INSPIRaTION / ADVENT
DAY 1 | Sunday, Nov. 29
Big News Bringer: Gabriel
Read: Luke 1:26-38
H
ave you ever delivered big news to someone? Depending on the
specifics, you may have found it either a thrilling opportunity or a dreaded
responsibility.
Big news was Gabriel’s business. Tasked by God to deliver important messages,
he’d once been sent to help the prophet Daniel understand a complex vision of the
end times (Daniel 9:20-27).
But Gabriel’s mission to Mary was perhaps the biggest news yet. Would such
news be overwhelming to the girl?
“Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” Gabriel began.
Then as Gabriel stood before Mary, his bright figure filling the room, he
recognized that she was troubled. His first job was to reassure her.
“Do not be afraid,” he told Mary. “You have found favor with God.”
Mary would give birth to a baby boy, the long-promised Messiah. The moment
that generations had waited for was finally here: The Lord was coming to save His
people.
Gabriel knew that she’d have questions: How can this be? I’m not married yet.
As Gabriel delivered answers, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the
power of the Most High will overshadow you,” he may have thought Mary took the
news remarkably well. Indeed, the girl seemed to simply . . . trust.
“I am the servant of the Lord,” she said. “Let it be to me according to your
word.” In other words, she was saying, I will trust in His plan.
If only everyone faced big news as this young teen had.
REFLECT: Every family faces big moments, events that redirect plans. How can you
have Mary’s response, to trust that God will be with you?
PRAY: Pray that God will grant you an attitude of humility and trust when facing
big news.
22
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021

ADVENT / FaITH & INSPIRaTION
DAY 2 | Monday, Nov. 30
Searching for a King: Samuel
Read: 1 Samuel 16:6-12
I
n school, did you ever pick teams for a game of soccer or basketball during
recess? You knew which players you wanted: the fast, the tall, the powerful. You
wanted to win.
The prophet Samuel had similar qualities in mind when God sent him to Jesse’s
home in Bethlehem to anoint Israel’s future king. Kings had a certain look to them
in those days, a look that helped citizens feel secure. People wanted powerful kings
who would protect them against enemies. Back then, kings didn’t just give orders;
they often joined the fight, too.
But God was looking for something else. As Samuel began to meet Jesse’s tall,
powerful sons, God rejected each of them. He said Samuel should not evaluate the
new king by his outward appearance, but by his heart. God told Samuel to anoint
the last of Jesse’s sons, a seemingly un-kinglike shepherd boy named David. Samuel
obeyed, and after David grew into a young man, he did indeed become king.
Generations later, God said to look to Bethlehem for the new king. And in
that humble little city, Israel’s true King was found—taking the form not of a mighty
warrior but of a humble child sleeping in a manger.
REFLECT: Big decisions often seem to have a clear and obvious answer—until you
recognize that God values different qualities.
PRAY: Ask God to help your family make better choices, ones that guide you all with
His wisdom and interest in unseen characteristics.
NEW
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
PREPARING THE
WAY FOR JESUS
PREPARING THE
WAY FOR JESUS
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
Enjoy a faith-filled journey as you
remember the messengers, prophets
Enjoy and obedient a faith-filled servants journey surrounding as you
remember the story of the Jesus’ messengers, birth. prophets
and <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Advent
obedient servants surrounding the
story of Jesus’ birth.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Advent
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23

Week four card
Background
FaITH & INSPIRaTION / ADVENT
Print on cream card stock
nativity card
WHAT YOU’LL NEED
• 1 sheet of 8.5” x 11” maroon card stock
• 1 template (below) and Nativity
characters (next page)
• scissors
• glue stick
DIRECTIONS
1. Cut out the background below and the Nativity
characters on the opposite page
2. Fold the maroon card stock in half to form a
card. Center the background on the front of the
card. Glue it in place.
3. Match the baby to the baby Jesus on the
background. Glue in place. Repeat for Mary
and Joseph.
4. On the inside of the card, write a Christmas
greeting, sign your name and give to a
friend, neighbor or relative. •

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YOUR MARRIAGE
by rOberT PauL anD Dr. GreG
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December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 25

FaITH & INSPIRaTION / TESTIMONY
Recruited for jihad, rescued by Jesus
BY ANA GASCON IVEY
ISTOCK.COM / BOJAN89; (PATTERN) ISTOCK.COM / AJWAD CREATIVE

TESTIMONY / FaITH & INSPIRaTION
ZAKHIRA* ENTERED THE
HOSPITAL LAB WITH HER
MOTHER, who was in so much
pain she could barely walk. After
the older woman shuffled to a seat,
Zakhira called out a traditional
Muslim greeting to the man sitting
behind the desk.
“Salaam,” he replied.
Zakhira roiled with anger at his
incomplete salutation. How dare he
not bless her in the name of Allah.
She approached the desk. “Are you
even a Muslim?” she asked.
“No,” he replied. “Thank God, I’m a
Christian.”
She controlled her anger, choosing
to be polite and invite this lost
soul to join Islam. She assured him
Islam could offer him anything he
wanted, even salvation.
The man snorted and disagreed,
challenging Zakhira to read the
Quran more closely. Both scuffled
with the other’s beliefs like foes
locked in an arm wrestle.
Finally, the man asked her to read
a specific verse in the Quran. Zakhira
agreed, and once she left for home
with her mother, she was ready to
prove him wrong.
Later she read the verse, and to
her dismay, found that the man was
right—Muhammad could not save her.
This Christian man, John Ahmad,
had toppled her Muslim beliefs like
a house of cards. More importantly,
he awakened her desire for truth.
Volunteering to die
Zakhira was born in Pakistan to a
Muslim family. She grew up going to
the mosque, reading the Quran and
praying to Allah in her prayer room
at home. As dedicated as she was
to her Muslim faith, she desired her
father’s love and respect even more.
On the day she was born, her
father was disappointed—he’d
wanted a son. From that day on, he
was cold and distant toward her.
Around the time she turned 10, a
group of militant Islamic extremists
recruited her father. If he had
been detached before, he was more
so now. How would Zakhira earn
admiration from a heartless father?
Eventually she came up with a plan:
She would become a trained jihadist.
To Zakhira, volunteering for jihad
meant more than sacrificing her
life to secure a place in paradise for
herself and her parents. It meant
more than accumulating rewards
in the afterlife by killing infidels.
For Zakhira, jihad meant she might
finally gain her father’s approval. And
it didn’t matter if she had to wear and
detonate a suicide vest to do it.
“My father was feeling very proud
that I volunteered for jihad,” she
remembers, “and I felt very happy
because a girl never gets this kind of
respect, especially a girl her father
did not accept when she was born.”
Following a
heavenly Father
Four days before she was to leave for
jihad training, Zakhira had a dream.
A man beckoned to her, saying,
“Come and follow Me.” Two times
He asked, and two times she said no.
But the third time, when He called
her “daughter,” she followed. He told
her He was “the Way, the Truth and
the Life.” When she awoke, she felt
something she had never felt: peace.
Two days later she found herself at
the hospital with her ailing mother.
That’s when she met John, the
Christian man who shook her faith.
She couldn’t leave for jihad training,
not now. She asked her mother
to call and tell her leaders she
needed more time to prepare. They
granted a reprieve.
She used her time to study her
Quran more closely. John invited
her to read his Bible at the hospital.
After reading the Scriptures and discussing
them with John, she chose to
become part of God’s family.
Facing terror
Zakhira guarded her newfound faith,
but in time, her secret surfaced.
Those closest to her roared with fury,
especially her father.
“I thought I would die for sure,”
says Esther, who no longer goes
by the name Zakhira. One night,
Esther’s mother overheard Islamic
clerics tell her father he would go
straight to heaven when he died if
he killed her himself. Plans to end
Esther’s life publicly, and spectacularly,
were set in motion because
they wanted to use her as an
example.
Her mother would have none of it.
Through her daughter’s prayers and
perseverance, she had also secretly
accepted the Christian faith. She
decided to aid in Esther’s escape.
Running for her life
The following day, Esther left her
house at 2 in the morning, hours
before her execution. She met John
at a rendezvous point. “I was thinking
if someone saw me, they would
shoot me,” Esther recalls.
But the streets were empty as they
hopped on his motorbike. He drove
her to another part of the city where
she could hide with a Christian family
for a few nights. >>>
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 27

FaITH & INSPIRaTION / TESTIMONY
That first night, Esther contemplated
her future as she lay in bed,
alone and scared. She cried as she
remembered her mother saying, “I
might not see you again, but in the
kingdom of God I will see you again.”
Her mother had counseled her to
marry to gain some protection and
financial security. There was only
one person Esther could ask.
The following morning, she proposed
to John. They professed their
“like” for each other, and he said
yes. A week later, his pastor married
them in secret, and they began their
life together. At the time, Esther was
21; John was 30.
Praying together for
courage
When Esther’s father discovered his
daughter had run away, he hung
“wanted” posters around their community,
forcing Esther and John to
go into hiding. They stayed with
John’s family and friends for the following
two years, in safety yet in
poverty.
“When people marry, they start a
new life together,” says Esther. “But
we were focused on staying alive.”
Esther said she and John prayed
together daily, a practice they maintain
to this day. They also read the
New Testament because “these types
of hard things happened to the apostles;
they happened to Jesus,” she
says.
Ministering together
After two years, Esther, John, and
their newborn daughter were
granted asylum in Malaysia. They
spent eight years there, living as
refugees.
Today John and Esther have
made a home for their family in the
southern United States. He works
in medical billing and coding. She’s
written two books, Defying Jihad,
released in 2019, and Unveiled, which
came out in May.
As a couple, they believe in sharing
their faith with Muslims one-on-one.
Esther often gives Muslim friends
copies of her books, inviting them to
explore the content and ask questions.
She always remembers who she
once was, a potential suicide bomber,
ready to die and kill infidels. But she’s
at peace with who she and her husband
have become, ministers of the
saving Gospel of Jesus Christ.
“I just cry,” says Esther, her eyes
misting with tears. “Each of my tears
gives thanks to God . . . because He
has done great things for us.” •
*names and other identifying details have
been changed.
ana Gascon Ivey is a freelance writer and
editor, and a career coach.
ISTOCK.COM / BOJAN89; (PATTERN) ISTOCK.COM / AJWAD CREATIVE
28
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021

RELIGIOUS SELF-CARE FREEDOM / FaITH & INSPIRaTION
how to avoid an
FOTF NADIA_SNOPEK / BRIAN MELLEMA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
Know your rights when you decorate for the holidays
is your battery
running low?
IN THE FALL OF 2014,
BY BRUCE HAUSKNECHT WITH KAREN SCALF BOUCHARD
When Jeremy put the word out on
Jeremy and Kristy Morris decided Facebook, more than 900 families
It’s to go all tough out for Christmas to serve by decorating
their
others showed an interest in attending the
when you
home with
haven’t
countless
recharged
event. Hundreds of people showed
strings of lights. They’d been collecting
TAMMY them for DARLING years. Starting in busloads of elderly residents from
up to view their house, including
BY
September, Jeremy put up string nearby assisted living centers. Hot
after string, attempting to set a light chocolate, candy canes and cotton
I every OFTEN 3 inches USE around MY their CAMERA, home. so I candy carry three were on the menu. One night,
batteries Since their for house it and was am fully continually decorated
learned by the the end hard of October, way that they if I let my camera up with bat-
a children’s choir singing
recharging a school them. choir director showed
I’ve
chose tery run to completely turn on the down, lights for it takes trick-or-treaters recharge. I and am no add different. a big cotton But too often candles. I have nearly
lot more “Silent time Night” to while holding glowing
candy drained machine myself physically, in the driveway. spiritually and emotionally
and Kids don’t and have parents the strength showed up and in energy when A new I most neighborhood
droves. need it. The So I’ve event learned was so the successful, importance of That recharging spring, the Morrises were in
the before Morrises I need decided the “power” to take to things get through my the day. market for a new home. They
up I another used to think notch I for didn’t Christmas. have the time to located refresh one and in a neighborhood governed
by me a homeowners association.
They recharge. made But arrangements continuously to multitasking add a leaves
camel, drained a and live even Nativity less scene, productive carol-thaers little and bit more. of time They for myself. also decided to carefully checked the rules and
if I Jeremy—who had taken a is an attorney—
ask If for I plug donations a single for light several into a local battery pack, regulations the light of the homeowners association
in 100 (HOA) but found charities. will last a decent amount of time. But if I plug nothing
that would prohibit him and Kristy
from holding the kind of Christmas
event they had orchestrated in their
last neighborhood.
The Morrises moved into their
new home. But when Jeremy notified
the HOA of their intention to
host a Christmas-themed event, the
Morrises received a letter from the
board. The letter informed the couple
that their Christmas event would
not be welcomed by non-Christians
in the neighborhood, explaining
that the HOA did not want to get
into litigation over the event, and
expressing concern that the event
would draw “possible undesirables”
to the neighborhood.
Litigation
The situation escalated from there.
There were more letters, including
one from the HOA’s attorney
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 29

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lights, the battery will drain quickly.
I tend to have so many lights plugged
in that my battery is always on “low,”
indicating that I don’t have much of
myself left to give to others.
Personally, I’ve never found time
to recharge; I have to make time. It
has to be a priority. When I deliberately
schedule daily “recharge” time,
I find the strength I need to be there
for others. Here are four ways that
I recharge:
Enjoy solitude
It’s not just the busyness of our
society that causes us to need to
re-energize—even Jesus and His
disciples needed this time to refresh
themselves. “And he said to them,
‘Come away by yourselves to a
desolate place and rest a while.’ For
many were coming and going, and
they had no leisure even to eat”
(Mark 6:31).
Find a quiet place where you can
pull away from others and spend
some quiet time alone with the
Father. If I am unable to do anything
else, I will at least tell my four
kids that I’m going to “chill” on the
recliner for 30 minutes. My kids
know that when I recline and close
my eyes, they are to find another
place to hang out and do their best
to keep quiet. I then have a solid
half hour to commune with the
Lord. I get up feeling refreshed and
recharged.
Have fun
If Jesus came to give life abundantly
(see John 10:10), then it stands to reason
that He also lived life abundantly.
Matthew 11:19 tells us, “The Son of
Man came eating and drinking,” and
in John 2:1-2, Jesus is at a wedding
party celebrating a marriage.
Many activities renew our energy
and foster enthusiasm for life. Give
yourself permission to have fun.
What I consider fun you may not,
but the possibilities are limitless.
Laugh
Countless studies have proven the
many benefits of laughter, but thousands
of years ago the Bible already
had it figured out. “A joyful heart is
good medicine” (Proverbs 17:22). Our
family regularly watches Christian
comedians and Christian movies. We
love to laugh and always feel great
afterward. But we don’t stop there—
we choose to laugh at our limitations,
quirks and uniqueness, too. Laughter
is a great way to lighten the load.
Nap
Jesus didn’t just sleep, He napped.
“But he was in the stern, asleep on the
cushion. And they woke him and said
to him, ‘Teacher, do you not care that
we are perishing?’ ” (Mark 4:38). This
was no nighttime slumber; Jesus was
taking a late afternoon nap.
In a society that views napping
as laziness or at the very least a
luxury they can’t afford, it may surprise
many to realize that Jesus
napped—which means we can, too.
Sometimes a nap is necessary. It
refreshes, recharges and causes
me to be more productive, not less.
Jesus knew what He was doing; we
want to be like Jesus.
There’s no magic formula for recharging.
Just find what works for you.
I like to use a variety of methods and
often combine two or three in a
single day. The key is that we do it.
Decide today to recharge daily. •
Tammy Darling is a home-school mom, a wife
and a prolific freelance writer.
Sign kids up today at
AIOClub.org

© PETER MECIAR \ STOCKSY UNITED
Simple activities for bringing
your family closer together
BY JESSICA SMARTT

KIDS & TEENS / INTENTIONALITY
DOES THE PHRASE “FAMILY
CHRISTMAS ACTIVITY LIST” motivate you?
Or does it sound overwhelming? Making memories
can be a lot of work, and much of it tends to fall on
Mom. So you may be tempted to think, Is it worth it?
One young mom told me, with tears in her eyes, “My
babies are 1 and 3, and we’re barely surviving. Making
a bunch of memories feels so overwhelming!” I reassured
her that I had tackled very few activities when I
was sleep-deprived and chasing toddlers. At that stage
in life, I chose just a few Christmas traditions and spent
the rest of my waking hours keeping my toddlers safe
and fed, as well as stopping them from ripping ornaments
off the tree.
Traditions can offer comforting memories that our
kids often carry with them for the rest of their lives. I
vividly remember singing “O Come, All Ye Faithful”
in the wooden pew at my grammy’s church and eating
the crusty cinnamon rolls Mom made the next
morning.
As my own kids have grown older, I’ve chosen to find
ways to remember the Christmas season with them.
When we slow down to celebrate, we are showing our
family that our faith matters—and that they matter.
One activity my family and I intentionally do happens
directly after Thanksgiving. We create a family
Christmas activity list. I love this tradition because it
can grow and change with our family.
We are strategic about the activities we pick, choosing
the ones that our family loves or that help us focus
on Christ. No need to spend hours snipping out paper
snowflakes if no one enjoys it!
While our list changes every year, I like to pull from
a few categories: food, service, activities and faith.
MANY OF MY MOST PRECIOUS MEMORIES INVOLVE FOOD.
I’ve realized it’s not a waste of my time as a mom to labor over
dough and spices and flavors. Delicious food makes the day special
for my loved ones. Here are a few ways my family and I have
celebrated Christmas with food, and you can, too:
Make a traditional shepherd’s feast.
This meal can take many forms, but the key is to keep the food
simple and eat what the shepherds would have eaten. Bread,
cheese, fruit, nuts and olives are a great start. Sometimes we’ve
placed a blanket on the floor in the living room so we can enjoy
this meal picnic-style.
Enjoy a fancy candlelit dinner.
We break out the fine china and crisp linens for a fancy meal the
week before Christmas. My family loves it.
Celebrate a unique Christmas Eve.
My family likes to eat appetizers on Christmas Eve, but we have
friends who enjoy other menu items such as Chinese takeout or
baked ham. It’s fun to involve the family in coming up with unique
and festive menus, such as enjoying the Italian tradition of the
Feast of the Seven Fishes.
Create a Christmas breakfast tradition.
Ours is blueberry-lemon coffee cake, brown sugar bacon, berries,
quiche and hash browns.
SEA WAVE / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
32
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021

INTENTIONALITY / KIDS & TEENS
TIME IS THE GLUE THAT HOLDS FAMILIES
TOGETHER. As a task-oriented person, I sometimes find
it difficult to stop and play, yet simple activities mean
so much to my kids. Here are some of our favorites that
may be fun for your family, too:
Complete a Christmas puzzle.
We have found this to be a great activity especially if
we have company, such as grandparents, visiting over
the holidays.
Have a Christmas movie night.
Whether we select Christmas classics or new releases,
our family loves getting cozy and sharing a large bowl
of popcorn.
(TOP) ISTOCK.COM / EVGENYATAMANENKO ; ISTOCK.COM / SVETIKD
CHRISTMAS CAN BE A LONELY TIME FOR SOME
and a sad time for those who have lost loved ones. Of
course, there are popular acts of kindness, such as making
Christmas cookies for others, filling an Operation
Christmas Child shoebox, and shopping or making
presents for siblings and grandparents. Here are a few
other Christmas service projects that your family can
do to show the warmth and love of Jesus to others:
Go Christmas caroling.
Visit an assisted living center or walk your neighborhood
while belting out Christmas favorites. My family
and I have found that people, especially those who are
older, adore this classic activity.
Make cards.
We surprise our mail carriers and sanitation truck
drivers with homemade Christmas cards accompanied
by cookies or a tip.
Bless your server
with a generous tip.
One family I know puts spare change in a jar throughout
the year, and then the week before Christmas they
eat pancakes at a breakfast restaurant and leave a
gigantic tip for the waitress or waiter.
Go St. Nicholas Day
candy caning.
We think of a family who needs a little Christmas love,
and we sneak over to their house and decorate their
front lawn with wrapped candy canes poked into the
lawn. Then we leave a gift certificate at the door, ring
the doorbell, and sprint out of sight.
Sleep by the tree.
A family slumber party by the Christmas tree is a tradition
our kids love year after year.
Craft a construction
paper Christmas chain.
This is so simple, but it’s always a hit with my kids.
Hide a special ornament
in the tree on Christmas Eve.
My husband’s family always hunted for a baby Jesus figurine
on Christmas morning. The person who finds the
ornament or figurine can open the first present.
Listen to favorite Christmas
music together.
We love Andrew Peterson’s “Behold the Lamb of God”
and Handel’s Messiah. >>>
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 33

ADAPTABILITY / KIDS & TEENS
new traditions to
replace lost holidays
creating memories for the
sake of your new family
BY STEPHANIE JUDY
NDABCREATIVITY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
MY HUSBAND AND I planned
a family vacation to Greece in mid-
August, which included special time
with my stepdaughter, Gracie. We
were so excited to be with Gracie
as she experienced a new culture.
However, the previous June, Gracie’s
mom moved, and Gracie’s new
school had a different start date—
early August.
Our adventure to Greece was canceled.
I bawled in disappointment,
brokenhearted to see this precious
little girl emotionally torn between
two families and two schedules.
Unfortunately, this canceled trip
wasn’t an isolated case of broken
plans.
A fight for Gracie,
not for our rights
The push and pull of family turmoil
became the pattern. All of my husband’s
and my arrangements for
birthday and holiday celebrations
with Gracie—even Flag Day—were
derailed. These times were legally
ours, but my husband didn’t want to
pursue his custodial rights for time
with his daughter through the court
system. He didn’t want to put Gracie
through the pain of being fought
over by both parents.
Over time, I realized just how wise
he was. Instead of demanding time
with his daughter on holidays and
summer vacations, he remained
steadfast in his focus on doing what
was best for Gracie. So when our
days to be with Gracie were denied
Christmas after Christmas, we
worked to be thankful that she was
getting to experience holiday traditions
with her mom.
Embracing new traditions
Where did that leave us? I still deeply
longed to have traditions as a family,
something that was ours. Slowly, I
crossed out the days that could be
shared with Gracie during the holidays
and summer break because
these times were too emotionally
charged and chaotic. Yet I still longed
to nurture memories that were
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 35

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unique to our blended family.
Through prayer, I learned to let
go of my own plans and expectations
for how our family’s traditions
might look, and I surrendered to the
opportunities God gave my family.
That’s when I started bringing the
children from my extended family
and Gracie together for nonholiday
and nonschool break experiences.
I was fortunate that several children
on my side of the family were
around the age of my 7-year-old
stepdaughter.
A party for kids of all ages
That first year, I planned a Nerf
Blaster party because the kids
were active and loved being outside.
It was set up as an activity that
could be enjoyed by children and
adults alike, at a location where a
new playground was being built.
The future playground had just
received mounds of wood chips and
dirt, providing the perfect bunkers
and hiding spots for our friendly
competition.
Each family member brought his
or her favorite Nerf toys. Using them,
we played hide-and-seek and tried
to tag one another. It was a fun afternoon
for “kids” of all ages. And soon
it became my family’s spring tradition,
as we found different locations
for this fun event. It was successful
for years because it wasn’t tied to a
certain holiday or date. We had an
entire quarter to make this full-day
extravaganza happen.
That tradition served our family
well and helped me see that family
memories don’t just happen
on Christmas or birthdays. More
importantly, I learned to be flexible
and received a renewed perspective
about what quality time meant.
Since our family’s traditions didn’t
have to be centered on a specific
day, we also were able to adjust and
change as Gracie grew.
Adjustments to
our shared time
Fast forward to my stepdaughter’s
teenage years—her first car and first
job brought us to a new season. With
multiple family activities, teen-work
schedules and geographical distance,
getting together became even more
challenging. So my husband and I
created lots of opportunities to enjoy
time with the kids, even if someone
had to cancel at the last minute.
We’ve had fondue nights, game
nights and pool parties. Because
we had learned to pivot away from
a commitment to be together only
on specific dates, we were freed up
to enjoy time with our stepdaughter
and other children in our extended
families when they had time in
their schedules. And doing life this
way brought our family wonderful
memories and the freedom to enjoy
one another. •
Stephanie Judy is a freelance writer in atlanta.
LISTEN NOW!
Join Dr. Gary Chapman and Ron
Deal as they discuss cultivating
love in blended families.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/
BlendedHolidays

FOSTER-CARE ADOPTION / KIDS & TEENS
Why one foster-care mother
chose to extend God’s love
in the midst of great loss
BY CINDY LAMBERT
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
“I’VE LEARNED NEVER TO UNDERESTIMATE
WHAT GOD WILL DO WITH A YES,” writes Debra
Moerke in Murder, Motherhood, and Miraculous Grace. Her
daughter’s story began when a social worker from Casper,
Wyoming’s Department of Family Services (DFS) called one
warm June day in 1996.
“Hi, Deb. This is Ellen.”
Debra smiled at the familiar sound of the social worker’s voice.
After 14 years of fostering about 140 children, Deb was on a firstname
basis with most of the social workers.
“Would you be able to take a 4-day-old infant?” Ellen asked.
“The mother is still in the hospital after a C-section. Both she and
the baby tested positive for cocaine. We are ordering an investigation
and need the baby to be in foster care during that time.”
Hours later, Debra held baby Ally in her arms, surrounded by
her husband, Al, and her own three young children. >>>
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 37

KIDS & TEENS / FOSTER-CARE ADOPTION
A second call
Two days later, another call came:
“Ally has siblings who need fostering,
too.”
“How many?” Debra asked.
“Four. A 6-year-old boy, two girls
ages 4 and 5, and another boy age 3.
Will you take them?”
“Yes. Bring them all,” Debra said.
While Debra and her family showered
love on all five of the Bower
siblings, she drew especially close to
4-year-old Hannah. It soon became
apparent to Deb that Hannah had
been the scapegoat of the family—
a child singled out for abusive
treatment.
The Moerkes did everything they
could to help Hannah learn to trust
them and feel safe. Soon Hannah
was filled with giggles and smiles.
Weeks turned to months, and the
bond between the Moerkes and the
Bower children grew stronger. Debra
understood that families can and
do change. Part of the reason she
helped foster children was to support
parents who needed the time
to make those changes.
During the Bower children’s stay
with her, Debra had the opportunity
to meet with Karen, the children’s
mother. Debra would give Karen
updates on how the children were
faring.
Before and after every home visit,
when all the children went to Karen’s
home, Hannah was upset. So Debra
began to explore the relationship
between Hannah and her mother.
Though she’d hoped Karen was
changing, the more Debra learned,
the more alarmed for Hannah she
became.
The unthinkable
Nearly a year later, Debra got an
unexpected call from family services.
She was to return all five siblings to
their mother that very day—with no
reunification period. Usually there is
a time when children live with their
foster parents but are slowly transitioned
to living with their biological
parents. This helps parents, foster
parents and especially children
make the adjustment emotionally.
In this unique case, the reunification
process was waived. Alarmed
for Hannah’s safety, Debra pleaded
to be allowed to retain the one child
a while longer—but the judge’s decision
was final. Debra had no choice
but to comply.
She delivered all the children to
their mother, including the sobbing,
pleading Hannah. Debra had scratch
marks around her neck where she
had to pry Hannah’s panicked fingers
free.
Debra was assured by DFS that
home visits would be made to check
on the well-being of the children.
Debra knew DFS workers were busy
and had large caseloads. She wished
there were a Court Appointed
Special Advocate volunteer or
Family Visitation volunteer to follow
38
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021

up with the children—someone with
authority who would have eyes on
the children weekly during the early
stages of reunification.
But in this case, there wasn’t. So
Debra made a number of visits to
the Bower home. She took presents,
meals and even a birthday cake, but
each time she visited, Hannah was
nowhere in sight.
“She’s at a friend’s house,” Karen
would say, or “She’s visiting her
father,” or “She’s with her grandparents.”
After each visit, Debra called
DFS reporting Hannah’s absence.
Months passed. With every visit,
Debra’s fears for Hannah grew. Her
calls to DFS became more desperate.
She felt the system, in this case, was
failing to appropriately provide adequate
support.
Then one day, a phone call came
from DFS.
“What are you doing right now?”
the social worker, Jill, asked.
“Cooking dinner,” Debra said.
“I think you need to sit down.”
Debra’s stomach tightened. “OK.
What’s up?”
“They found Hannah,” Jill said.
Flooded with relief, Debra said,
“Where?”
“They found her body in the mother’s
garage,” Jill said. “She’s clearly
been dead for some time.”
Debra listened in horror as she
learned that Hannah’s broken body
was found stuffed in a black garbage
bag. Debra felt pain everywhere,
clawing at her stomach, ripping
through her chest, squeezing the
breath out of her.
Debra’s choice
Karen confessed to the murder and
was arrested that night. DFS took
custody of the other children upon
Karen’s arrest. Debra had no say in
where they went. Fortunately, they
were all placed in good homes with
loving friends or family.
Debra didn’t think she could bear
her grief. The horror of the situation
overwhelmed her. But in the midst
of her pain, she received a phone
call from the jail.
“Will you come see me?” Karen
asked.
Debra felt like the world had
stopped spinning. Rage roared
through her emotions. She wanted
to refuse and slam down the phone.
But she sensed the Lord speaking to
her. You are My hands and feet and
voice. Do you represent Me or not?
Debra believed in always answering
God with a yes, no matter how
she felt. So that night she went to
the jail.
Karen told her, “I’m pregnant,”
and she did not want to abort the
child. Once Karen knew she faced
either the death penalty or a life
sentence without parole, she asked
Debra, “Will you adopt my baby?”
Still filled with rage toward Karen,
Debra struggled over what to do. She
couldn’t answer her at first.
But the Lord was not silent.
Debra was seized with the realization
that she, too, had ended the life
of a precious child—she had once
aborted a child of her own. Humbled
and assured of God’s incomparable
mercy and forgiveness, she had no
choice but to forgive Karen. She and
Al adopted Courtney.
Karen was given a life sentence.
Debra, compelled by the Lord’s
mercy, shared the Gospel with Karen.
Eventually, Karen accepted Jesus as
her Savior and began her own journey
of healing.
Now, over 20 years since the murder,
Debra regularly speaks to Karen
by phone and visits her in prison,
sharing pictures and stories of
Courtney’s life. They pray together as
sisters in Christ.
“Having a pro-life perspective
goes so far beyond opposing
abortion or supporting a crisis
pregnancy center,” Debra says.
“Valuing human life motivated me
to say yes to foster parenting, yes
to adopting Courtney, yes to
sharing the Gospel with Karen and
yes to continually reaching out to
Karen in prison. We never know
how God is going to use our yes,
only that He will.” •
cindy Lambert is the executive editor of the
baker Publishing Group and a collaborative
writer of 11 books, including Murder,
Motherhood, and Miraculous Grace with
Debra moerke and the bestseller Unplanned
with abby Johnson.
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 39

KIDS & TEENS / LOVE
creative
connections
Try these fun ways to
build memories with
your grandkids!
COMPILED AND WRITTEN BY SHEILA SEIFERT
I WAS NEAR THE END OF
MY VISIT with my out-of-state son
and daughter-in-law, when 16-monthold
Zion ran to me with arms open
wide. He’d finally transitioned from
crying around his long-distance
grandparent to recognizing and
appreciating me. That’s a moment I
won’t soon forget. It’s the joy of relationship
with the next generation, the
experience of family connectivity.
Building memories with grandchildren
doesn’t have to be dictated
by proximity, whether we’re separated
by hundreds of miles or are
right around the corner. Here are
some creative ideas that could lead
to grandparent-grandchild bonding:
Take-a-Bear Outings
At one time, our three grandchildren
lived 10 hours away from us.
When we were all together, my
husband, Kevin, and I planned
kid-friendly outings—such as the
zoo, a children’s museum or the
aquarium—but with a twist. We
added our decades-old stuffed
bear, Paddington, and told the kids
that he enjoyed going on “mystery
tours.”
Each time we visited, the kids
would ask, “Where are you taking us
this time?” I’d point to Paddington
and say we were going on a mystery
tour. That meant our destination
would be a surprise.
Paddington sat next to me in the
front seat or between the children in
the back. Every few minutes I held
him up to Kevin’s ear so the bear
could give directions.
The kids loved it. They giggled
from the back seat and said,
“Grandpa knows where we’re going.
Don’t you, Grandpa?”
With a serious tone, Kevin always
answered, “We’ll just have to see
what Paddington has up his sleeve
this time.”
Whether we spent the day at a
museum or simply visited the ice
cream shop, having Paddington
along always made the trip more fun.
—Jeanette Levellie
ISTOCK.COM / MONKEYBUSINESSIMAGES
continued on page 42 >>>
40
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021

LOVE / kids & teens
After board books
To be read to or with 4-
to 7-year-olds in person
or by phone.
AS A FORMER COLLEGE ENGLISH
INSTRUCTOR AND AS AN EDITOR,
I know how important books are to a
child’s learning and development. So I’ve
always wanted books to be special to my
children and my grandchildren. That’s why
I’ve started the Simple Literature Book Club.
Each month, I send each grandchild a
book. Once the grandchildren are older,
I will move from having a monthly book
to a quarterly one, with a longer, more
advanced book to match their growing
reading skills. I plan to have them help
me select the book through a book flyer
I have developed, so together we can
explore their interests.
After reading, we’ll talk about what
we’ve read, whether we’re in the same
room or using FaceTime, Zoom or Skype.
—SS
Board books
for grandkids
Toddlers through
preschoolers will enjoy
hearing these books in
person or over the phone
Teen reading
club
Read simultaneously
with young teen
grandkids, and you’ll
find faith topics to
talk about.
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
Novels
You and your 8- to 12-year-old grandkids
can read together or separately, and then
talk about what you’ve read.
Read book reviews from a biblical
worldview. PluggedIn.com/Books
December 2020 / January 2021  FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41

KIDS & TEENS / LOVE
French Camp
We hosted a week-long French camp
as an annual event for two of our
home-schooled grandchildren who
lived in another town. During their
visit with us, we spent the mornings
on French and the afternoons
doing interesting activities in our
area. Grandpa helped by making all
the meals.
I set up a simple French language
program to teach colors, numbers,
shapes, greetings and feelings. Over
time, I added topics such as foods,
body parts, ailments, clothing and
seasons.
Reviewing the basics was never
boring, as I developed new game
variations each year. One of the children’s
favorite games was tossing
beanbags at a compartmentalized
box in answer to vocabulary questions.
We sang along with simple
video songs I had bookmarked on
the internet. We also sang “Jesus
Loves Me” in French, adding hand
movements. We even planned a
French-themed birthday party complete
with crepes for Georges, a dog
puppet we adopted as our mascot.
Not only did my grandchildren
gain more confidence in French,
they also formed a special bond with
their out-of-town grandparents. I’m
now planning French camp for our
younger grandchildren, who will soon
be mature enough to participate.
—Alice Burnett
Grammy Adventures
To make my time with each child
special, I created “An Adventure With
Grammy.” I keep the child’s age and
interests in mind as I talk to Mom
and Dad and make plans. On the day
of our adventure, I pick up the child,
and we head to his or her favorite
restaurant for breakfast. Once we’ve
finished eating, we’re off. The possibilities
are endless. Here are some of
our adventures:
• Biking along a path at our local river
(with a picnic lunch)
• Feeding the chickens at a friend’s
house
• Looking for fun treasures at a thrift
store
• Going to a sculpture garden to
climb on the elephant sculpture
• Visiting my friend to play with her
cats
• Perusing books at a bookstore or
library
All our adventures give me great
opportunities to connect with my
grandchildren. We talk about all
sorts of topics, from faith to what’s
happening in their world. I learn
more about them, even as they learn
more about me. •
—Jill M. Munoz
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
Clubhouse <strong>Focus</strong> on the magazine Family
Clubhouse magazine
A kid-friendly publication that opens
A kid-friendly the door publication to fun and faith that opens issues
that the door you and to fun your and 8- faith to 12-yearold
that grandkids you can your share 8- to together. 12-year-
issues
old grandkids <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/
can share together.
ClubhouseMagazine.ca
Clubhouse-Magazine
Brio magazine
A publication filled with
articles that help teen girls
figure out the world in a fun
and exciting way. Use it to
get your granddaughter’s
view on many different
life challenges.
BrioMagazine.com
BrioMagazine.ca
WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONNECT IN
ANOTHER WAY WITH YOUR GRANDKIDS?
Here are some magazines and audio dramas
that you can read or listen to for a shared
experience and possible faith conversations:
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
Clubhouse <strong>Focus</strong> on the Jr. Family
Clubhouse magazine Jr.
magazine
This publication is filled with
This stories, publication articles and is filled puzzles with
stories, that 3- to articles 7-year-old and puzzles kids will
that love 3- to to talk 7-year-old about with kids you. will
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/
love to talk about with you.
Clubhouse-Jr-Magazine
ClubhouseJr.ca
Adventures in
Odyssey Club
Enthralling audio
dramas that help
grandparents discuss
faith principles and
have real-life “what
if” conversations.
AIOClub.org
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
42
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021

BROADCASTING / MINISTRy HIGHlIGHT
Jim Daly and John Fuller in the broadcast studio
BEHIND THE ScENES
WITH BROaDcaSTING
SALLY SUE DUNN DESIGN & PHOTOGRAPHY
An insider’s look
at how <strong>Focus</strong> on
the Family’s daily
program comes
together
BY SCOTT JOHNSON
“I FEEL FLIPPY IN MY TUMMY.”
If you tuned in to the <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family broadcast on March 10,
2020, you were among the millions of listeners who heard Christi
Straub describe her young son’s poignant admission that he was
afraid to go to his new school. It was just one of the thousands of
memorable moments captured in <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s recording
studio over the past 43 years. >>>
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 43

MINISTRy HIGHlIGHT / BROADCASTING
While each daily program is as
unique as the guests being interviewed,
there’s always an array of
behind-the-scenes details that are
meticulously planned before every
show. When Christi and her husband,
Josh, recorded the program “Helping
Children Understand How They
Feel,” the <strong>Focus</strong> Broadcasting staff
had already logged many hours preparing
for the Straubs’ visit.
An invitation
Daniel Robbins, one of <strong>Focus</strong> on
the Family’s senior producers, is
part of an eight-member team that’s
constantly researching potential
interview guests who can address
specific topics with expertise and
fresh, practical insights. In 2019,
Daniel learned of the Straubs’ new
children’s book, What Am I Feeling?
The Straubs had shared their family
counseling perspective on two previous
broadcasts; both interviews had
been well-received by listeners.
“As I corresponded with the
Straubs, I recognized that their simple
message about feelings was
backed by a lot of research,” Daniel
says. “Josh and Christi have the
counseling credentials, but they also
have young kids. They’re living this.”
Once the Straubs agreed to be
interviewed, <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s
producers began developing a framework
for the upcoming discussion
WATCH LISTEN NOW!
between the Straubs and broadcast
hosts, Jim Daly and John Fuller.
“We give our hosts a detailed outline
that highlights relevant facts and
stories, suggests interview questions
and provides opening and closing
comments to lay out a meaningful
arc for the flow of the interview,”
Daniel says. “It’s not a script; I know
Jim and John will personalize the
process and use the outline as a
guide for the conversation.”
In the studio
With all the prep work completed,
the team was ready to record. On Jan.
17, 2020, Josh and Christi arrived
at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family headquarters
in Colorado Springs, Colorado,
and joined Jim and John in the studio,
along with a recording engineer,
a producer and <strong>Focus</strong>’ executive producer,
who were in the control room.
“During the taping, I collaborate
with the hosts to make sure the relevant
facts are covered, identify any
mistakes and offer suggestions as
the interview progresses,” Daniel
says. “Our executive producer, Rob
Kirkpatrick, represents the objective
listener. He also evaluates the overall
interview, assists the producer
in covering any contingencies and
answers any general questions the
hosts or guests may have.”
Like most of the 130 or so interviews
conducted each year, the
Enjoy the Josh video and edition Christi of Straub’s “Helping broadcast Children “Helping Understand Children How Understand They Feel.”
How <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/ParentingEmotions
They Feel.” <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
exchange between Jim, John and the
Straubs was also recorded on eight
video cameras arranged around the
studio and control room. A team
member operated a camera on a
jib inside the studio and this combined
with an unmanned camera on
a track create motion for the show,
while views from stationary cameras
were captured from a control room.
Editing and polishing
Once the finished interview was
saved on the production team’s
computer as a multi-track audio
file, the editing process began.
Given the strict time constraints of
radio broadcast formatting, each
day’s edition of the <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family broadcast has to be exactly
28 minutes to allow local stations
to air pre- and post-show material
(weather, announcements, etc.) in
the allotted half-hour time slot.
“We recorded [with the Straubs]
for more than 40 minutes,” Daniel
says. “There was a lot of laughter
and even some crying during
this session. With everyone talking
at once—which occurred several
times—the editing process can be
very challenging.”
After a word-for-word transcript
of the interview was completed,
the recording was reviewed several
times. Suggested edits were marked
on the transcript and given to editing
teams, which used sophisticated
audio software to trim the conversation,
balance volume levels, clean
up vocal stutters and add the opening
and closing music. It’s a process
that typically takes between 16 and
20 hours.
While the audio editors were hard
at work, the <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Films
44
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021

BROADCASTING / MINISTRy HIGHlIGHT
John Fuller and Jim Daly in the broadcast
studio with Josh and christi Straub
Throughout December, you can revisit 2020’s most
popular programs from <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family's daily
radio broadcast. <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Listen
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
team was editing the video version of
the interview for posting on YouTube.
Although the process is similar to
audio editing, Erin Berriman, director
of Film Production, says there are
some unique nuances to video.
“We’re often able to include more
content since the YouTube version
doesn’t have a strict time limit like
the radio version,” Erin explains.
“Another aspect that video provides
is allowing the viewer to see all the
emotions expressed during the show.
We capture the hand gestures, the
grimace on a face, the tears in the
eyes, the grin on Jim’s face, and a
nod of approval, for example. There
are nonaudible moments that the
camera can capture that add to the
overall viewing experience.”
Hitting the airwaves
When all the editing was done, the
finished broadcast still had to go
through a few more handoffs. Each
evening, Sunday through Thursday,
the next day’s radio broadcast audio
file is sent from <strong>Focus</strong> headquarters
in Colorado Springs to a computer
in a satellite uplink facility in North
Carolina, as well as backup servers
in California. At scheduled times,
the program is then beamed to local
stations via satellite (or internet for
stations that can’t have reception
dishes because of zoning or building
codes). Each station decides
whether to broadcast the show live
as they receive it or store it on their
own computers to air later in the
day, according to their specific programming
schedule. Meanwhile,
the <strong>Focus</strong> Films team uploads the
video edition to YouTube.
Finally, on March 10, it was time
for the Straub interview to hit the
airwaves. Based on tremendous
feedback, the program “Helping
Children Understand How They Feel”
was deemed a hit, and ultimately
selected for re-air in December as
part of an encore presentation of
2020’s most popular broadcasts.
“There are many details that can
be challenging,” Daniel says, “but at
the end of the day, I relish my role
on this team of storytellers. I savor
the collaboration process, working
hand in hand with the guests, our
hosts, the editors and our entire
team to craft broadcasts that share
an encouraging message—and ultimately
glorify God.” •
Scott Johnson is a senior writer in the ministry
Values division at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
THE FOCUS ON THE
THE FAMILY FOCUS CANADA ON THE APP
FAMILY Now take the APPbroad-
cast Now wherever take the broadcast life takes
you. wherever Get trusted life takes guidance you. Get
and trusted support guidance in one and place. support
Download in one place. the Download free app at the
free the App app Store at the or App Google Store Play. or
Google <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Mobile
Play.
December 2020 / January 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45

FaMIly / MY THRIVING FAMILY
Christmas
pajamas
Javan, 15, Jaxon, 11, Chantelle, 12,
and Gabrielle, 17
cozy christmas eve pajamas are our
traditional one gift to open before
christmas day.
—Stan and Erika from Ontario
Luke, 4, Noah, 8, Peyton, 5, and Caleb, 1
christmas morning snuggles!
—Lori from Puerto Rico
Emery, 4, and Dominic, 2
christmas pajamas, christmas
stockings and big smiles!
—Melissa from Colorado
Your kids could be in <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine!
email photos* of your child’s christmas celebration or birthday party.
(Put “christmas celebration” or “birthday fun” in the subject line.)
Send to <strong>Focus</strong>magazine@family.org.
info@fotf.ca.
* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted
46
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
December 2020 / January 2021

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