Focus on the Family Magazine - February/March 2021
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics. Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics.
Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
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COUNTERING THE
CULTURE OF
ENTITLEMENT
Helping Families Thrive in Christ
FEB / MAR 2021
Canada
A MARRIAGE
WITHOUT HOPE?
Football,
Fame or
Family pg.
12
Cherish Your Spouse
video series
Bestselling marriage author and pastor Gary Thomas wants to help you take
your relationship to the next level! In this free, five-part video series, he will
show you how to support, adore, showcase and protect your spouse.
Immerse yourself in
the story of stories...
Watch as Gary describes practical ways to cherish your spouse: by paying
attention to them, going to them first, supporting, encouraging rather than
criticizing, and avoiding contempt.
The Chosen: I Have Called You by Name imagines the backstories of the
early followers of Christ and how their lives were transformed when they
met the long-awaited Messiah. Written by bestselling author Jerry B.
Jenkins, The Chosen plunges SIGN you UP into TODAY! first century Galilee and gives you
more color and detail from the hit video series beloved by millions.
Cherishing is something we need to be intentional about doing – even if we do it
imperfectly! The result will be a happier, more fulfilling relationship in marriage.
Follow in the footsteps of Jesus.
Contents
February / March
FLAFFY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
Couples
11 THE RHYTHM OF WALKING
TOGETHER
A marriage tip from JJ Heller
12 FOOTBALL, FAME OR FAMILY
Jason and Tay Brown chose to
give up wealth and fame to pursue
God’s call
by Paul Asay
17 A MARRIAGE WITHOUT HOPE?
One couple thought divorce was
inevitable. Enter Hope Restored
by Thomas Jeffries
20 FOUR REASONS WHY WE CARE
ABOUT MARRIAGE
by Jeff Johnston
21 LIVING ONE PANEL AT A TIME
How Jonny and Carissa Hawkins
create a thriving marriage on a
cartoonist’s income
by Karen Scalf Bouchard
Faith & Inspiration
25 TRUSTING GOD IN DREARY PLACES
Spiritual insights from
Family Middle East
by Sami Yacoub
26 HOW I FOUND
BEAUTY IN THE BROWNS
Relying on God to carry
the burden of depression
by Paul Asay
30 THE FREEDOM TO DOUBT
How Charlotte Pence Bond’s search
led her to a vibrant faith in Christ
by Benjamin Hawkins
32 A CHRISTIAN OUTREACH
IN A MUSLIM LAND
East navigates the difficulties of
ministering in a challenging culture
by Scott Johnson
In Every
Issue
Kids & Teens
35 SEEING MY FAMILY AS A PRIORITY
A parenting tip from Adrienne Camp
36 COUNTERING THE
CULTURE OF ENTITLEMENT
How to help kids live
faithfully in a land of plenty
by Ashley Hales
40 UNDERSTANDING
WHEN KIDS NEED TO TALK
Take the time to help your children
process worry, grief and loss
by Lisa Harper
43 MEASURING UP
Do your kids feel the
pressure to please you?
by Jeannie Cunnion
45 I GOT PLAYED BY A 3-YEAR-OLD
. . . and he was brilliant
by Vicki Bahr
4 DALY A LETTER FOCUS FROM THE PRESIDENT
5 HACKS & FACTS
10 MEDIA
46 34 MY PRODUCTS THRIVING & RESOURCES
FAMILY
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3
daly A LETTER focus FROM THE PRESIDENT
seeking
thriving in the
the
midst
light
of challenges
Bob Cheatley is interim
president of
Family Canada
Jim Daly is the president
of
and host of the
the Family broadcast. His
daily column is available
at JimDalyBlog.com.
donor-supported ministry,
and your contribution makes
a difference in the U.S. and
throughout the world.
Donation
Jim Daly
IT CAN BE TOUGH TO ESCAPE
THE “WINTER BLUES” even during
the most uneventful and peaceful of the
year’s coldest months. The weather can be
AT FOCUS ON dreary, THE and FAMILY the days, darker. CANADA, If you live in
our desire is to help Portland, families Oregon, thrive. for example, you enjoy
Thriving, though, 15 hours is often and misunderstood. 41 minutes of daylight It doesn’t at the
mean we live lives summer untouched solstice by worry. but only It doesn’t eight hours and 42
mean we don’t face minutes heartache at the and winter pain solstice. in our family
relationships. It means And this that winter even in has the been midst especially of challenging.
to It seek kicked God off and with find one strength of the in most
difficulty, we continue
him to not simply contentious survive, but elections to grow and in our learn nation’s as we history
become more like and him. plodded forward under the lingering
A thriving family cloud is a of redeemed the COVID-19 family. pandemic. It’s
In Romans 5:3-5, enough Paul to writes, create “we despair rejoice in the in stoutest of
our hearts. sufferings, Winter blues knowing indeed! that suffering produces
endurance, One of the and reasons endurance we’re so produces passionate character, about building and
character strong families produces here at hope,
to is one shame, of the because greatest God's gifts love to help has us been weather poured life’s into storms.
our It’s a hearts God-given through provision the Holy for Spirit safety, who shelter has and been refuge.
given Even to so, us.” we know that sometimes the most stable and
grounded This issue families of the magazine can face tough is filled challenges. with articles You’ll that find
articles speak into this those issue areas that of focus suffering. on godly We know men couples and women
are who feeling have walked hopeless, incredibly but we also difficult know paths. the miracles Perhaps you
can God relate can do to in these strained individuals relationships a personal (page 17). level. We
know If you many are Canadians suffering from live the with winter depression blues and or something the
much pandemic more has serious, exacerbated please many know people’s that we’re existing here for you
at mental
look family to and our pastoral faithful God counselors to carry who our burdens would be and happy be to offer
our you strength a free consultation when we feel over weak the (page phone 26). and, We if know needed, direct
children you to ongoing are not help immune in your to feelings area. If you’d of grief like and to sorrow, speak with
them, but we just also call know 855-771-HELP that God can (4357) equip weekdays us to help from our 6:00
a.m. children to 8:00 find p.m. healthy (Mountain ways to time). process It would those difficult be our privilege
emotions to minister (page to you 40). in this way.
Take I hope heart—spring you are encouraged is coming! by The what days you’ll are find already within growing
these longer, pages, and in no a few matter short what weeks, you’re temperatures facing in life. will start
warming However, and if we’ll you are begin struggling to see flowers, and need green personalized leaves, blue
skies help, and please signs can of contact life. Until our then, team may for prayer we all find andhope in the
counselling One who reminded support. us, It “In would the be world our you privilege will have to walk tribulation.
alongside But take heart; you. I Call have us overcome at 1.800.661.9800, the world” email (John 16:33).
help@fotf.ca or visit us at
to learn more.
Bob Cheatley
JEN LINTS PHOTOGRAPHY
president Jim Daly
chief operating officer Ken Windebank
publisher Steve Johnson
focus editorial canada director interim Sheila president Seifert Bob Cheatley
editorial managing director editor Sheila Andrea Seifert Gutierrez
managing copy chief editor Scott Andrea DeNicola Gutierrez
copy contributing chief Scott editors DeNicola Ginger Kolbaba, Vance
contributing Fry, Jennifer editors Lonas, Ginger Thomas Kolbaba, Jeffries,
Vance Marianne Fry, Hering Jennifer and Lonas, Jeff Masching Thomas Jeffries,
Marianne art director Hering Brian and Mellema Jeff Masching
art designer director Anneka Brian Mellema Jack
designer cover Brittany Anneka Cruse Jack
cover media Brittany publishing Cruse director Kevin Shirin
media editorial publishing assistant director Kat Bittner Kevin Shirin
editorial print production assistant Gail Kat Bittner Wise
print circulation production Sandy Gail Grivy Wise
circulation Sandy Grivy
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4
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
Hacks & Facts
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING
A Treasured
Tradition
On Valentine’s Day I make heart-shaped
scones for breakfast. Each family member
also has a paper heart by his or her plate.
During breakfast my husband reads to us
from the Bible about God’s love, and then
we write what we love about one another on
the paper hearts. These have become some
of our children’s greatest treasures.
—Joanne Madgwick
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5
HACKS & FACTS / VALENTINE′S DAY
Love Notes From God
I asked my kids to come up with different ways
they’ve seen God send them love. They wrote their
comments on hearts and found verses to confirm
God’s intent to care for us. I helped the little ones do
this. We hung the hearts on the wall. Now my kids
can see how God is and has been sending our family
“valentines,” even before they were born.
Meaningful Gifts
—Allison Struber
Children of parents who
show emotional warmth are
21%more likely
to flourish later in life.
source: Social Science & Medicine, 2019
Valentine’s Day
Countdown
Last year my husband and I planned a 14-day
Valentine’s countdown using an inexpensive pack of
foam hearts. We wrote 14 characteristics we love about
our daughter along with Bible verses that showed how
she is made in God’s image. Each morning she found
a new heart on her door that encouraged and inspired
her to show God’s love to others.
—Crystal Stine
Sharing Gary Chapman’s five love languages with my
boys helped them think about showing love in meaningful
ways. My oldest son baked chocolate chip cookies for
his dad, who values “acts of service.” My youngest drew
pictures to tell me how pretty I am, which I appreciated
as “words of affirmation.” The boys helped me cook a nice
dinner, and then we spent “quality time” together.
Understanding other love languages helped the boys
connect with us and turn Valentine’s Day into a meaningful
celebration of love.
—Penny Noyes
Baby-Book Letter
For my son’s first Valentine’s Day, I wrote him a letter
explaining how long his father and I had wanted
a child, the complications that led to his birth, how
much I loved him and how I hoped to be a good
mama to him. I tucked the letter in his baby book, so
he will always have a reminder of his parents’ love.
—Michelle Welsh
ELOVICH / STOCK.ADOBE.COM; NATALIYA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
6
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
INFANT SLEEP / HACKS & FACTS
Calming the
Senses
After tucking our baby in his crib, my
husband and I pray over him and
turn on the white noise machine.
We also use a diffuser to fill the
room with the calming scent of lavender.
The white noise and scent
help him sleep longer at night.
—Amanda Hayhurst
Mama’s Touch
Offering a light massage before bed
taught my newborn to associate
touch with relaxation. Then I placed
the bassinet within arm’s reach so
I could respond to my baby’s cues
and avoid a crying episode, which
could keep my baby from sleeping.
—Natalee Estrada
Bedtime Routine
My husband and I each share in
bathing our baby and putting on his
diaper and pajamas. Following bath
time, we rub scented lotion on our
son and keep the lights dim to relax
him before sleep.
—Natalie Gross
Sleepy-Time
Hymns
When my babies would not fall
asleep, I calmed both them and me
by singing—but not ordinary lullabies.
I’d sing hymns. Those beautiful
lyrics kept my mind engaged and
lulled my infants to sleep.
—Jessica Snell
White Noise
on the Go
MESAMONG / STOCK.ADOBE.COM; MONKEY BUSINESS / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
My wife and I played white noise in
our infant’s room—using a recording
or a box fan. The gentle noise and
steady rhythm helped him relax. We
also used the recording during long
car rides when it was time for our
son to sleep.
—David Cox
Only
57%
of 12-month-olds sleep
eight or more hours a night.
source: Pediatrics, December 2018
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7
HACKS & FACTS / WAITING
Working Toward a Want
My younger son wanted an expensive pair of headphones.
My husband and I chose to delay the purchase to make
sure he really wanted them and to give him an opportunity
to earn them. We offered our son a “credit” each
time he finished a homework assignment to my satisfaction.
My son did his homework on time and with diligence.
He discovered he liked doing his assignments when there
was a reward in the balance. He researched which pair of
headphones he wanted and made the purchase. We were
proud of him for his patience and careful planning.
—Sylvie Leclerc
A Record of
Our Week
When their dad was away for a week, our
three boys and I kept a journal on a sheet of
paper divided into seven sections. We put the
journal on the kitchen wall. Each evening we
would write down the things we did that day
so we would remember to tell Dad about our
little happenings. We all missed him, and this
visual record of his absence showed our boys
how many days it was until his return home.
It also reminded them to pray for him as we
said grace before each meal.
—Alice Burnett
Prayer Box
The day came when my son had a problem at school
I couldn’t fix. I realized that God had left my 6-yearold
son and me no other option but to trust Him.
To help us through this time, I purchased a beautiful
painted box. I told my son, “I can’t be with you every
minute, but God can. God is a much better helper
than I am. Every time we have a problem that’s too big
for us, we’re going to write it on a slip of paper, pray
about it, and put it in this box.”
Then we committed to not worry about the problem
because we had turned it over to God and He
was working on it. Each time God answered our
prayer, we looked at what we’d written and rejoiced in
how He blessed us.
The wait of several weeks was difficult, but God rescued
my son from the school situation.
When he was a teen, a time of discouragement
ushered in a crisis of faith. He couldn’t stand for me to
say anything Bible related. One day I asked if we could
look at the years of accumulated prayers in the box.
As he read the papers, it was evident that God had
answered his prayers, turning hardships into blessings.
The reminders helped move him toward God again.
—Casey Hawley
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
8
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
WAITING / HACKS & FACTS
96%
of Americans will
of North Americans will
consume scorching
food or drink rather
than wait for it to cool.
source: Wakefield Research, 2015
Trinket
Scavenger Hunt
I used a simple take-along activity to keep my four kids entertained.
I started with a clean and dry plastic water bottle. I filled the bottle
three-quarters full with sand. Then I added about 20 small items, such
as plastic animals, a coin, a hair barrette, a paper clip, plastic beads and
other small trinkets. I glued the lid closed since my younger kids were
apt to open the bottle.
The kids could tip, twist and turn the bottle searching for the different
items. My older kids liked following a list of all the items so they could
race to find them all. When my children were older and I didn’t have to
glue on the caps, I would refresh their bottles with new items so that
each time we played it was just as fun.
—Julia Springman
Pillow Prizes
My toddler had a hard time going to
sleep in his own bed. I placed whatever
his current favorite book was
under his pillow. We called it his
prize and told him that if he stayed
in his bed at night, when he woke
up in the morning, the prize would
be there waiting for him. Looking
forward to reading his book in
the morning, he fell asleep with
it tucked under his pillow. He still
does this as a preschooler with various
books and toys. On occasion,
he even sleeps with his Bible under
his pillow.
—Tammy Conley
Waiting Games
Whenever my three girls and I
must wait—whether at the grocery
store, in a doctor’s office or in the
car—I play a game with them once
they grow fidgety. If we’re standing
in line, I’ll say, “Touch your toes,”
“Put your hands on your head,” or
“Touch your ears.” If we’re waiting
in a restaurant or in the car, we’ll
usually play a game such as I Spy.
Games make the time pass quickly
and in a fun way.
—Elisabeth Ramon
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9
MEDIA / PLUGGED IN
UPCOMING
REVIEWS
For reviews of these and other
titles, visit PluggedIn.com, PluggedIn.ca,
on the Family’s media review and
discernment website.
F
ocus on the Family’s Plugged In team
comes together with humor and
heart to deliver weekly insights on
current media choices and culture-related
topics. These media experts shine a light on
KENA: BRIDGE OF SPIRITS the world of popular entertainment and technology
trends while giving you and your family
Will the storyline’s overt mysticism
overshadow the cuteness factor in this
new action-adventure game?
the essential tools you need to understand,
Scheduled release: March 2021
navigate and impact today’s culture.
Some of the topics covered by The Plugged
In Show include the influence of books in a
screen-based world, what you need to know about online predators,
and the next-gen future of video gaming. You’ll also hear wide-ranging
overviews about what media discernment looks like, the impact of
television in our lives, and how to establish tech boundaries for you
and your family.
Tune in each week for the encouragement to engage with your
children and dialogue with them about the media they are consuming,
sparking intellectual thought and spiritual growth. Listen
online through Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts or Spotify. Visit
RAYA AND THE LAST DRAGON
Parents may wonder if Disney’s latest release
recaptures the family-friendly tone of their
animated classics.
Scheduled release: March 12
MORBIUS
Are we ready to root for another superhero? Or
should this Marvel character be left in the shadows?
Scheduled release: March 19
TOP TO BOTTOM: EMBER LAB; DISNEY; SONY PICTURES
10
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
Couples
therhythm
of walking
together
a marriage tip
from JJ heller
MY HUSBAND, Dave, and I
have been working together full
time since we were married in
2003. There’s some sort of miraculous
combination of our two
personalities that makes it possible
for us to be business partners
and spouses.
One surprising thing that’s helped
our marriage, more than anything
else, is going for walks. There’s something
therapeutic about the rhythm
of putting one foot in front of the
other, feeling the breeze in your hair
and the sun on your face. It feels like
a reset of sorts.
In my experience, walking also
fosters dialogue. I’ve noticed a lovely
ebb and flow as Dave and I stroll
around our neighborhood. Because
we’re side by side and noticing the
world around us, there’s no pressure
to fill the empty space with words.
When we’re walking, we’re comfortable
talking or simply staying quiet. •
JJ heller, a songwriter and contemporary
christian music artist, releases a new song
every first Friday of the month.
JJ and her husband, Dave, pictured below
PHOTO COURTESY OF JJ HELLER
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11
cOuPlES / COMMITMENT
FOOTBALL , FAME
O RFAM IL Y
Jason and Tay Brown
chose to give up
wealth and fame to
pursue God’s call
BY PAUL ASAY
PHOTOS BY BRITTANY CRUSE
12
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
COMMITMENT / cOuPlES
ALL SIGNS POINTED TO ANOTHER BIG
CONTRACT for NFL center Jason Brown. He’d
been cut by the St. Louis Rams a few weeks earlier
in 2012—a casualty of a head coaching change—but
plenty of teams were still interested in the 28-year-old
offensive lineman. Jason had already rejected an offer
from the Carolina Panthers; another former team, the
Baltimore Ravens, seemed eager to get him back.
Before talking to the Ravens, Jason and his wife, Tay,
traveled to San Francisco. Tay hoped her husband
would accept an offer from the 49ers. For Tay, a Bay
Area native, it would mean being closer to family. It
would mean coming home.
But when Jason returned from the 49ers facility and
opened the door to their hotel room, he told her he’d
turned them down.
Tay was angry. Her husband was rejecting multimillion-dollar
deals! He seemed like he was disinterested
in playing professional football—a profession millions
would love to have.
“So what’s the deal, Jason?” she asked. “You turned
down the Panthers. You turned down the 49ers. . . . If
you’re not going to play football, what are you going to
do?”
Jason took a deep breath.
“God is telling me that we need to sell our home in St.
Louis and move back to North Carolina,” he said. “He’s
telling me to purchase some land there. Because God
is telling me that . . . He wants me to be a farmer.”
Jason had actually been thinking about this move
for months. He felt that God was calling him back to
the basics: Family. Faith. The rich Carolina earth that
his family had called home for generations. But he’d
not told anyone else about this seemingly crazy seed
that God had planted in him—not even his wife, not
until now.
Tay stared at Jason for a minute. How could he drop
this bomb on her in the middle of a marriage that was
already struggling?
“Jason,” she finally said, “I’m so happy God is sharing
all these things with you, because He’s not sharing any
of this with me!”
For richer or poorer
Jason and Tay met nearly a decade
earlier, after Tay graduated from
Duke University and Jason was a
standout lineman for the University
of North Carolina. Jason insists
that Tay was literally glowing when
they first met, as if God had put a
spotlight on her. It took Jason just
one date to know that Tay was the
woman he wanted to marry.
They seemed perfectly synced:
Their priorities were faith, family
and education. They both had big
dreams—she wanted to become a
dentist, he was destined to play in
the NFL—and they were determined
to pursue those dreams together.
They married in May 2005. He was
20, she 22. And at first, everything was
wonderful. They lived together in a
modest townhome as Jason closed out
his college career—studying together,
laughing together, praying together.
“And then came the call from the
world,” Jason says.
Dreams take sacrifice. Tay pushed
dental school back a year to help
Jason deal with the tragic loss of his
brother in Iraq. Then Jason was NFL
bound, but he had no control over
who he might play for. Any one of
32 teams might draft him, which
made it incredibly difficult for Tay to
choose a dental school.
Finally, they decided that Tay
would apply for dental school in
North Carolina and make the state
home base. Jason would play football
wherever the NFL asked him to.
They agreed to try a long-distance
marriage during the season.
“You make the best choices you
can at the time with the information
and the wisdom you have,” Tay says.
“And when you’re 20-something years
old, that’s what we thought would
work out best.”
Jason ended up on the Ravens,
and the separation was painful.
When their first child, J.W., was born
in 2007, Jason felt the distance growing
between them.
“I was not offering the quality time
or the emotional support that [Tay
and J.W.] needed,” he said. “I was
providing for my family, but there’s
a huge difference between being a
father and a provider.”
Because they spent so much of the
year apart, Tay says that they didn’t
really have each other to depend
on. “We were slowly pulling apart. . . .
Where it says [in the Bible] that ‘the
two shall be as one,’ we were drifting,
and not really being one.” >>>
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13
cOuPlES / COMMITMENT
Jason, Tre, Noah, Isaiah, Tay, Olivia, J.W., Judah, Naomi and Kahlan
In sickness and in wealth
By 2009, Tay had finished dental school, and Jason
had signed with a new team, the St. Louis Rams. He
inked a $37.5-million deal—a record amount back
then for an NFL center. They bought a massive
12,000 square-foot mansion in St. Louis—plenty of
room for their growing family.
But by then, that family was coming undone. All
that time away from each other had turned the
couple into two very separate individuals, complete
with their own interests and hobbies. “I had
my ways, and Jason had his ways,” Tay says.
“Everybody says that money, it’s a blessing,”
Jason says. “But at the time, we didn’t handle
it well. We were not good stewards, and it was
actually more of a curse because . . . it didn’t bring
out the best character in us.”
“It intensified our independence rather than
bringing us closer together,” Tay adds. “Jason was
making money; I was making money because
I was working at a dental office. So if I needed
something at this point, I would go out and do
what I wanted.”
Both were, by their own admission, selfish and
stubborn. Both had inflicted plenty of hurt on the
other, and trust between the two was, by late 2011,
almost nonexistent. Their marriage was heading,
in Jason’s words, toward “absolute destruction.”
But no one else knew. They attended church
14
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
COMMITMENT / cOuPlES
every week, smiled through their pain and said all
the right things. They were, after all, role models
—a power couple who seemed to have it all. Jason
was an NFL star. Tay was a dentist. Who wouldn’t
want to be in their shoes?
But by Christmas of 2011, Tay didn’t want those
shoes anymore. She wanted out.
“I remember having a conversation with God,”
she recalls. “It was like, ‘Am I going to stay or am I
going to go?’ ”
She decided to stay—to stick with their marriage,
no matter what.
But when she heard that Jason wanted to quit
football and become a farmer, that was a whole
new challenge.
Tay felt God drawing her to a Bible story—from
Genesis 20—in which Abraham tells a king that
Sarah was Abraham’s sister, not his wife, putting
Sarah at great risk. The Bible said that “God protected
Sarah” throughout that time, and Tay drew
hope from that.
“[Sarah] had to put her trust in God, and God
was the One who protected her,” Tay says. “That’s
what God showed me. Maybe I didn’t have full
faith and trust in my husband [at that time], but
God [was] going to protect me.
“It was me just leaning on God,” she adds. “And
I had that moment where I said, ‘I’m all in. I’m
going to do this thing. I believe You have called
him to this life.’ ” It was a choice. >>>
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15
cOuPlES / COMMITMENT
To have and to hold
Jason and Tay bought what would
become First Fruits Farm in late
2012. They had two children at the
time; now they have eight—most
delivered right on the farm, one by
Jason’s own hands.
The road to the couple’s healing
wasn’t easy. It required repentance. It
required forgiveness. And, as anyone
who’s gone through the process of
healing a relationship knows, moving
that bond from “bad” to “good”
isn’t as simple as flipping a switch.
Instead, the change in their marriage
happened a little like gardening.
They planted seeds of healing deep
underground. Then they watered,
weeded and nurtured them.
The healing of their marriage
didn’t spring from the ground fully
formed, but rather it grew day by
day, week by week. Finally one
morning, they found that they had
something truly special: a renewed
relationship.
Their farm has been fruitful, too.
Since their first harvest in 2014,
First Fruits has produced more
than 1 million pounds of fruits
and vegetables.
And Jason and Tay have given
almost every cucumber and sweet
potato away. Their produce goes
to feed North Carolina’s most vulnerable,
and that’s not all. Through
multiple festivals and volunteer
opportunities, First Fruits brings people
from all walks of life who visit or
volunteer on the farm closer together.
It hasn’t been easy: Jason and Tay
will both tell you that. Crops sometimes
fail. Volunteers don’t show up.
Farming is hard work, and
home-schooling eight kids adds
another degree of difficulty. The luxuries
and the financial security they
had when Jason was in the NFL are a
thing of the past.
But both will say that, as hard as
they work and as tired as they get,
their lives are better now. They’re
together—truly together. In the past,
they’d nurse grudges for days. Now
they compete to repent first and
seek each other’s forgiveness.
“We still get on one another’s
nerves,” Jason admits. But when they
argue, they often literally tell each
other: “You are not my enemy.” They
are partners in God’s work.
Tay adds that she and Jason have
banned one critical word from their
relationship.
“We call it the ‘D’ word,” she says.
“Divorce is no longer part of our
vocabulary. It’s no longer a thought.
The Bible says to take our thoughts
captive and submit them, right? So
the ‘D’ word is no longer welcome
in our home and in our thoughts.”
Because of Jason’s NFL past, he
naturally receives most of the press
and accolades for First Fruits Farm.
Tay is quieter, more retiring. But
Jason stresses that Tay is the farm’s
real unsung hero. Neither of them
could do it alone.
“I pray for Tay more than I pray for
myself,” Jason says. “I know some
people say, ‘Oh, that’s so nice,’ but
it’s a selfish prayer. Because I need
this woman.”
For better or worse, the marriage
vows say. In their marriage, Tay and
Jason have experienced both. They
had wealth and fame. Then they
gave it all up and found the better.
Each other. •
Paul asay is the co-author of Centered:
Trading your plans for a life that matters with
Jason brown. First Fruits Farm is located near
Louisburg, North carolina.
FIRST FRUITS FARM
Jason and Tay Brown’s First Fruits Farm is a nonprofit
ministry that feeds thousands of hungry and needy
families across North Carolina with its produce, primarily
sweet potatoes. It’s also a family operation,
but with more than 1,000 acres of farmland, it’s far
more than one family can handle alone.
First Fruits welcomes volunteers throughout the year,
but especially during harvest season. For information
on how to volunteer, visit wisdomforlife.org/volunteers.
And if you’re not in the area (or don’t have time) to
volunteer, First Fruits welcomes donations. Go to
wisdomforlife.org/give for more information or to
donate.
16
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
HOPE RESTORED / cOuPlES
PHOTOS COURTESY OF SHAWN AND JAYNEEN
a marriage
without
hope?
One couple
thought divorce
was inevitable.
enter hope
restored
BY THOMAS JEFFRIES
WHEN SHAWN
PROPOSED TO JAYNEEN—
just three months after they began
dating—they were convinced their
marriage would be rock solid. Both
were committed Christians with a
shared vision to reach the lost.
They exchanged vows nine
months later and began their newlywed
adventure. Shawn worked retail
and served in children’s ministry;
Jayneen taught elementary school.
Yet four years into their marriage,
the couple discovered they suffered
from infertility. The news was a fault
line in their relationship, the beginning
of moving apart.
“Once we found out [we were
infertile], it completely changed
our relationship,” Shawn says. “We
went from trying to get pregnant
to not wanting to even be intimate
with each other. I felt major
guilt, as I knew how much Jayneen
wanted children.”
The couple explored fertility
treatments. Their first failed attempt
was both financially and emotionally
draining.
“I will never forget the pain my wife
experienced,” Shawn says. “We had
stopped at a gas station on the way
home, and she broke into tears and
melted onto the sidewalk.”
Shawn picked her up, and that’s
when Jayneen said she couldn’t
bear the thought—the grief—of trying
again. Instead of leaning on her
husband, though, Jayneen pushed
him away. >>>
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17
cOuPlES / HOPE RESTORED
Spiraling downward
The tension in their home was
amplified when Shawn started a
business. He discovered he was a
poor money manager, which led
to bankruptcy and plenty of arguments
with Jayneen. Then came the
surgeries: gallbladder, appendix, a
bad back, a tumor in Jayneen’s jaw—
seemingly all in rapid succession
and adding to their financial stress.
“I got extremely angry,” Jayneen
says. “I was angry with Shawn, but
I got very, very angry at God.”
I’ve done everything right, she
argued. I’ve served You.
She was consumed with the
impression that God had turned His
back on her. And Jayneen’s disappointment
turned to bitterness.
“I shook my fist at God,” she says,
“and I started emotionally cheating
on my husband through the internet.
That led to chat rooms, which led to
an actual affair.”
When Shawn first confronted her,
Jayneen promised to stop. But it was
a lie. The second time Shawn caught
her, he told Jayneen to leave. Once
out of the house, she embraced her
new lifestyle with abandon. More
affairs. Drinking. She even experimented
with marijuana.
“She tried anything she could to
numb the pain,” says Brittyn, a longtime
family friend. “She was hurting
terribly and entered a downward spiral
she had no idea how to get out of.”
Shawn says he felt as though
someone had shattered a treasured
snow globe and left him to
clean up the mess. Yet he remained
available to Jayneen. On occasions
when she would call and ask for
help, Shawn obliged.
Estranged at home
Although Shawn was broken at
the outset, it took Jayneen more
than four years on her own to
Instead of attending Hope Restored
“
with a broken canvas, we discovered
that God used Hope Restored to paint
a whole new picture. ”
—Shawn
acknowledge the hopelessness of
her lifestyle. Eventually she worked
up the courage to ask Shawn if she
could return home. He agreed, but
there were still major issues between
them. As a temporary solution, they
decided that Jayneen would live in
one half of the house, Shawn in the
other. They were cordial to each
other, but the arrangement was
more brother and sister than husband
and wife. They tried to rekindle
their relationship, yet Shawn could
see that it wasn’t working. Jayneen
could see it, too.
“We loved each other, but we were
not close,” she says. “We didn’t know
each other anymore.”
Divorce seemed like the only option.
There was just one more thing Shawn
and Jayneen wanted to try first.
Finding peace
Jayneen remembered reading about
Hope Restored—
Family’s multi-day counseling program
for marriages in crisis. When
she suggested they give it a try,
Shawn wholeheartedly agreed that
Hope Restored had to be a part of
the solution.
“I saw that the success rate was about
85%,” he says, “and I wanted that.”
For her part, Jayneen knew deep
down that the program wouldn’t
work until she let go of her anger.
And the initial step of that breakthrough
happened just days before
Hope Restored, at a Christian women’s
event Jayneen had avoided
for years. Facedown on the floor,
undone, she finally recognized—for
the first time in years—what she’d
known all along: God still loved her.
He’d always loved her.
In February 2017, Shawn and
Jayneen arrived at the
Family Retreat Center in Branson,
Missouri, to begin the Hope
Restored program. Shawn says their
counselors were tender and insightful,
respectful and direct. He and
Jayneen never once felt intimidated,
nor were they made to feel bad
about what they said. For the first
time in forever, Shawn felt heard.
“I understood why I am the way I
am,” he says, “and how to overcome it.”
Shawn also learned why his wife is
the way she is, and that it was not his
job to overcome this. Instead his role
was to understand her and communicate
effectively.
They learned from the counselors;
they learned from the other couples;
and, finally, Shawn and Jayneen
learned how to love themselves. They
learned that everything doesn’t
have to be perfect; they have the
rest of their lives to get it right. They
came home with tools and strategies
and their “relationship treasure
maps”—a pair of oversize Post-it
Notes that they framed and hung in
their living room.
“Our relationship today is nightand-day
different from before,”
Jayneen says. “We don’t rely on each
other to get our peace. We rely on
Christ to give us peace.”
Five months after attending Hope
Restored, on Jayneen’s birthday,
Shawn asked her to be his wife again.
She was home for good. •
18
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
The Hope Restored
marriage intensive program
IT MAY BE HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THERE IS STILL HOPE FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.
A proven, biblically based program to restore
and rebuild your marriage.
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1.833.999.HOPE (4673) | HOPERESTOREDCANADA.CA
cOuPlES / HOPE RESTORED
4BY JEFF JOHNSTON
reasons why
we care about
marriage
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
EXPENDS A LOT OF TIME,
energy and resources to save and
strengthen marriages through our
broadcasts, online tools, counselor
calls, marriage intensive retreats and
more. Why do we care so much about
marriage?
We care because God does.
In Genesis 1, God created humans male
and female in His image and likeness. He
designed us to reflect His character—His
goodness, strength, holiness, beauty and
love. Genesis 2 builds on this, as God fash-
1.
ioned Eve from Adam’s side and united them
in marriage.
Those chapters are so important that Jesus
cites them in Matthew 19:4-6 to teach that
marriage is a lifelong union between husband
and wife. Paul also pointed to these
chapters in Ephesians 5:31, explaining that
marriage depicts Christ’s relationship with
His bride, the church.
2.
whose parents divorce or were never married
A married mom and dad are
best for children.
Marriage isn’t just about two people who
love each other. Research demonstrates that
children with a married mom and dad have
generally better outcomes than children
in the first place.
Mothers and fathers parent differently,
offering unique benefits to their kids.
Children raised by both parents in a healthy
marriage are more successful in school, less
likely to live in poverty, less likely to abuse
drugs or alcohol and more likely to have successful
marriages of their own.
Marriage helps both
men and women.
According to sociologist Linda J. Waite and
researcher Maggie Gallagher, married men
and women have better physical and mental
health and report higher levels of happiness
3.
and well-being. They live longer, healthier lives;
recover from illness more quickly; and have lower
rates of alcohol and substance abuse. As an additional
bonus, they do better financially.
Marriage is good for society.
4.
Marriage is good for society.
The importance of marriage is seen most clearly
when it unravels. In their report, “164 Reasons to
Marry,” Pat Fagan, Anne Dougherty and Miriam
McElvain write, “Marriage is the foundational relationship
for all of society. All other relationships in
society stem from the father-mother relationship.”
In Sadly, addition they point to the out personal that fewer pain than caused half by of
American the breakdown children of marriage, now reach all the of society age of 18 suffers. in an
Poverty, intact family violence with and married crime parents. increase In when addition marriages
to the personal fail or when pain parents caused never by the marry. breakdown of
marriage, all of society suffers. Poverty, violence
•
Jeff Johnston is an issues analyst for
and crime increase when marriages fail or when
parents never marry. •
Jeff Johnston is an issues analyst for
Citizen provides timely analysis of
breaking news and social issues.
Learn more at TheDailyCitizen.org.
20
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
RESILIENCE / cOuPlES
living one
panel at a time
how Jonny and carissa hawkins create a
thriving marriage on a cartoonist’s income
BY KAREN SCALF BOUCHARD / ILLUSTRATIONS BY JONNY HAWKINS
BEFORE CARTOONIST
JONNY HAWKINS MET
CARISSA on a blind date, the
friend who set them up told Carissa
that Jonny was a writer. “He thought
‘writer’ sounded more dignified than
‘cartoonist,’ ” Jonny confesses with a
laugh. He pauses for a beat. “I think
that helped lure her to me.”
Carissa says what really attracted
her was Jonny’s heart.
“He had no sense of style whatsoever,”she
says of their first meeting.
“The day we met, he was wearing
what we now laugh at and call his
‘grandpa pants.’ He doesn’t care
about clothes. And when he meets
people, he’s not judging what’s on
the outside; he’s looking for the person
inside. That attracted me.”
Jonny’s unorthodox career
didn’t derail their relationship.
Apparently, neither did his grandpa
pants, and the couple married a
year later.
In the coming months and years,
however, they faced obstacles that
could have wreaked havoc in even
mature marriages: Jonny admits
that the erratic income of a freelancer
proved to be a hardship. To
further complicate matters, Jonny
and Carissa appear to be a classic
case of opposites attract.
“Jonny is very creative and spontaneous,”
Carissa explains. “I’m
creative and analytical. He’s optimistic
and tends to see the positive,
and I tend to see the negative.”
There are, of course, benefits
when couples have different
strengths. Carissa says, “He’s kind
and good and funny, and people are
drawn to him. I’m more reserved. He
draws me out, and I keep him from
flying off. We balance each other.”
Those differences also brought
challenges to their marriage. >>>
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 21
cOuPlES / RESILIENCE
The life of a freelancer
For as long as he can remember,
Jonny wanted to be a cartoonist.
When he was in sixth grade, a
vacation Bible school teacher gave
him a book—The World’s Greatest
Collection of Clean Jokes by Bob
Phillips—and added the inscription,
“Maybe someday you can come up
with jokes like this.”
In college, Jonny started sending
cartoons to magazines. He amassed
dozens of rejections before selling a
cartoon to Scripture Press for $15.
By then he was hooked. Two years
later he sold a cartoon to Leadership
magazine.
By the time Jonny met Carissa,
he had established a modest flow
of income by selling cartoons and
drawing caricatures at craft festivals
and carnivals.
In many regards, Jonny and
Carissa discovered they were a great
team. Ministering together at a
church camp, Carissa kept things
organized while Jonny interacted
with the kids. When Jonny drew caricatures
at fairs and schools, Carissa
managed the finances. Today Carissa
continues to handle much of the
minutiae of the business and helps
with marketing, too.
Financial stress, however, exacerbated
their differences.
Carissa adds, “Jonny’s a freelancer,
so everything is speculative. He
sends work out, and if it’s accepted,
we get paid. As someone who is
structured and likes to plan, this
isn’t exactly what I pictured for
myself. When we get a $30 sale, he’s
grateful, and I’m rolling my eyes
because there are $3,000 in bills
that month.”
When they see life through different
lenses, Jonny often tells Carissa
she needs to lighten up. She tells
him he needs to “heavy down.”
So how do they cope?
Meeting with Jesus
In the middle of their living room is
a round leather ottoman. It’s a great
place for TV remotes, snacks and
stockinged feet. It’s also one of the
places Jonny and Carissa regularly
meet with Jesus.
“When we pray together, it makes
all the difference in the world,” Jonny
says. “It softens our hearts and
reminds us that, ultimately, our trust
is in God, not in circumstances or
even each other.”
When they gather at the ottoman,
Jonny and Carissa are often joined
by their three kids—Nate, 21; Zach,
19; Kara, 13—and their dog, Blue.
“We always make a point to be
thankful for all the little things,”
Carissa adds. “Definitely, when
we were younger, we did more
complaining about things that
aren’t—but as we grow, we find
ourselves so grateful for the things
that are.”
22
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
RESILIENCE / cOuPlES
Date nights with a twist
Another way Jonny and Carissa keep
their marriage strong is by having
date nights. But these date nights
may be unlike any you might imagine.
Jonny and Carissa begin the evening
by driving 20 minutes into
town and eating dinner together at a
restaurant. Then Carissa drops Jonny
off at a bookstore while she shops or
runs errands. When she’s done, she
hangs out with her husband for a bit
at the bookstore, and then they chat
about their separate evenings on the
drive home.
One of the challenges of working
together from home, they explain, is
that you’re always together.
The change of pace is rejuvenating.
“Our date nights give us a little
time to process life on our own,”
Carissa says. “And then we always
have great conversations on the
drive home. He’ll say, ‘Guess who I
ran into.’ (He’s so gregarious. He’s
always running into someone we
know.) And we share stories.”
God’s faithfulness
Carissa and Jonny agree that
remembering how God has taken
care of their family for 23 years
empowers them to trust Him for
the future.
“When you go through tough
times, it’s easy to think, We’ll never
get through this,” Carissa admits.
“And one day you realize things
have changed. Sometimes you can’t
pinpoint exactly how God brought
you through it, but you realize that
He did.”
She’s also grateful that when
things were really hard, she and
Jonny were too poor to split up. “We
had to stick together. I remember
wanting to get in the car and leave,
and then thinking, I can’t drive
away—this is our only car!”
She laughs at the memory and
then gets serious again.
“Look, we have family and friends
whose marriages and families have
been ripped apart. And sometimes
I think, Could you have waited one
more day? because I know God can
bring good things and changes that
you don’t think are possible.”
Jonny shares Carissa’s reliance on
God. His favorite verse is James 4:8.
“Draw near to God, and he will draw
near to you.”
He says that when he starts to
waver, gets distracted or feels impatient,
he returns to that verse, and it
keeps him grounded.
Persistence in cartooning
The list of publications and organizations
that have run Jonny’s
cartoons is impressive: Woman’s
World, Leadership magazine,
Reader’s Digest, The Wall Street
Journal, and the American Heart
Association, as well as 76 “Chicken
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23
cOuPlES / RESILIENCE
Soup for the Soul” books. In addition,
Jonny’s Cartoon-a-Day calendars
have sold more than 1 million copies.
In 2001, Jonny found a copy of one
of Bob Phillips’ joke books at a flea
market and wrote to the author. In
the letter he shared how he’d been
given one of Phillips’ books as a
sixth grader. The two men have since
written nine books together, including
The Hilarious Book of Heavenly
Humor and Laughter From the
Pearly Gates.
Where does Jonny get all his ideas?
Sometimes he doesn’t look far from
home. When son Nate was 3, he
showed Jonny a broken crayon and
said, “Daddy, my crayon needs a new
battery!” Jonny turned it into a cartoon
and sold it to Woman’s World.
Still, it takes persistence to break
into each new market. Jonny began
submitting cartoons to The Wall
Street Journal in the 1990s. He
received his first check from them
on his birthday in 2020.
For Jonny and Carissa, their marriage
and his career have taken a lot
of God’s grace, intentionality and
teamwork. Despite their differences,
their commitment to pray, play and
work together has made a world of
difference for this couple.
As Carissa says, “Our similarities
may not be obvious on the surface,
but they are deep in our hearts.” •
Karen Scalf bouchard is an award-winning
freelance writer and editor who lives in
colorado Springs, colorado.
24
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
Faith & Inspiration
CREDIT BLACKDAY TK / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
trusting God in
dreary places
Spiritual insights from
Middle east
BY SAMI YACOUB
ELIJAH WAS BURNED OUT, completely
exhausted, and Queen Jezebel had just threatened
his life. Elijah told God, “The people of Israel have
forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars,
and killed your prophets with the sword, and I,
even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take
it away” (1 Kings 19:10). He was scared and felt
alone. It was time to quit.
Christians can find themselves in similar dreary
places where we have no control over our circumstances.
In the midst of stress and faulty
introspection, we may believe we’re not making a
difference. Like Elijah, we may conclude that we
have no value and should just give up.
When we feel this way, we must remember that
God doesn’t always allow His servants to see the
results of their work. He may do so, but when He
doesn’t, He wants us to walk by faith. When we
walk only by sight, we lose the ability to trust God.
But when we trust in His plan for our lives, His
words will not be in vain (Isaiah 55:11).
The Lord responded to Elijah in 1 Kings. He
didn’t speak through the mighty power of nature
but rather in a whisper. His quiet voice reminded
Elijah that He was still in control.
During difficult times, I remember how God
has shown up for me and my family. Like millions
around the world, we have faced tremendous
challenges in our lives, ministry and work. But
God has provided for our needs during these
times. That helps me to realize what it means to
walk by faith, recognizing that my sufficiency
comes from the Lord.
God is still God, and He is in control. Knowing
that, I don’t fear what the future holds. Instead, I
open my heart and ask, “What would You like me
to do next?” I hope you will ask that question for
yourself, too. •
Sami yacoub is the regional director for
Middle east. read more about this ministry on page 32.
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 25
FaITH & INSPIRaTION / MENTAL HEALTH
How I Found
Beauty in the
Browns
Relying on God to carry the
burden of depression
BY PAUL ASAY
26
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
PIERRE VINCENT / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
MENTAL HEALTH / FaITH & INSPIRaTION
ONE THANKSGIVING when
I was a kid, my dad wanted to go
for a walk through a vacant mile of
scrub oak near my grandma’s house
in Alamosa, Colorado. It was pretty
cold outside, so my sister and I dutifully
pulled on sweaters and hats
and followed him into the winter air.
I don’t think I’d ever seen a landscape
look quite so scrubby and
lifeless. We trudged through thin
brush under skeletal elms and cottonwoods.
We poked through trash
and explored the rusted ruins of an
old construction project. And then
my dad stopped and looked around.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” he said.
“Beautiful?”
“Yeah,” Dad said. “Look at all these
browns!”
I remained unimpressed. To me,
beauty in nature meant green and
lush. Or green, at least. Brown was
the color of dirt and grime, of dead
leaves and other less pleasant things.
But there is real beauty in those
browns. Not beautiful like a colorful
rain forest or a snowcapped
mountain, but a subtle beauty that
is just as rich. Shades and textures
blend like mellow rivers of honey
and earth. You see the architecture
of trees, the graceful brushstrokes
of grass. It’s a beauty that doesn’t
translate well into Instagram pics,
but it imprints itself somewhere
inside you.
I often think of that dreary landscape
when I consider my journey
through depression. Look at all
these browns! Isn’t it beautiful? My
depression has helped me see the
beauty in the browns of life.
Rediscovering
the comforts
Anyone who’s ever dealt with
depression knows how hard it
is to be thankful about anything.
Depression is a wet blanket. It
constantly smothers us, making
gratitude nearly impossible to
reach.
And yet . . . I’m thankful for my
depression.
There are caveats. My depression
isn’t as severe as what others might
suffer. I’ve also learned ways to
manage it—faith, prayer, an understanding
wife, and a regular run. >>>
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 27
SAFETY VIOLATION ZONE copy in this zone not safe per trim variance (.25 inch). Anything in this .25inch zone is not guaranteed safe from being trimmed off.
NEW
— from —
Don’t let the
darkness win.
Depression is real—and hiding
it doesn’t lead to peace. But in
Christ, there’s fullness! Beauty in
the Browns will inspire you to
learn to live with hope and find
beauty in life.
AD-FPO
GET One IT AT Third
Page
Vertical
TRIM:
Do you suffer from depression?
Does 2.58 a loved x one? 10.5 Paul inch Asay
knows what it means to live as
a Christian with depression. In
telling his story of his journey
and his son’s – with input from
mental health professionals –
Asay offers hope and practical
help to those dealing with this
issue, and those trying to help
them.
TM
I’m also not saying I’ve ever
enjoyed depression, that I miss the
times when I’d lie around for weeks
staring at nothing, feeling dead or
wishing I was. Depression steals
vibrancy from life, and as you crawl
out of its smothering embrace,
color returns only slowly.
But if you look closely, you may
start seeing the blessings that you’d
never have seen without depression.
You rediscover comfort. There
was a time in my life when I stopped
reading. I felt good about myself and
didn’t need it. I rediscovered books
when I needed them, in depression’s
aftermath. Books now surround
me like old friends. I know nothing
about cooking, but one of my favorite
things to do in the evening is flip
on a cooking show and watch it with
my wife, Wendy.
Today, when my daughter, Emily,
and I run through the scrub, through
yellowed grass and bare trees, I
sometimes say, “Look at these
browns!” Mimicking my dad, I
suppose, but also mocking myself.
“Isn’t it beautiful?”
And we agree it is.
God’s quiet presence
God’s apparent silence during
depression’s nightmarish introspection
is horrific. But when I crawl free
of depression, even partly, I see that
some of the terrible elements I’ve
experienced can mellow into possible
virtues.
When I’m depressed, I obsess.
When I’m not, depression gives me
a better ability to reflect. When I’m
depressed, I feel worthless. But then
depression gives me a bit of humility
and helps me be more realistic about
my weaknesses. I’ve also learned the
difference between loneliness and
the quiet joy of being alone. What
seems like God’s stony silence can
actually be God’s quiet presence.
God, give me the strength to carry
this burden. That’s my prayer these
days. Not for God to wipe depression
clean away from me and make
Order online at
Shop.
or call 1.800.661.9800
MENTAL HEALTH / FaITH & INSPIRaTION
me “normal.” I pray instead for the
strength—if and when it comes
back—to deal with it. Because,
honestly, and with a deep sense of
irony, I feel closer to God because
of my depression.
It pushes me toward dependency.
When I feel worthless and weak, I
understand how much I must trust
in Him to carry me through. As
Peter told Jesus, where else would
I go? No one else can save me. No
one else can make me feel whole. I
have no other hope but in God and
His strength.
A mysterious affliction
For a Christian, depression is a vexing
mystery. Is it borne of sin? Is it a lack of
faith? And if it’s none of those things,
what kind of God would have us be in
this sort of pain and melancholy?
I’ve come to realize that sometimes
pain is a gift, that sadness and
even suffering can be a positive if they
make us stronger or help us grow. Our
awful, sorrowful hurt can also be an
instrument of healing. When we suffer
and still believe, when we doubt and
yet hope, we help illustrate another
side of the Christian journey, one not
often publicized in chipper praise
music or inspirational talks—a journey
walked among the browns. The
browns of life are easily overlooked.
But they’re strong, gentle, warm.
I don’t know what depression is for
me—a disease, a punishment, the
“thorn in the flesh” the apostle Paul
wrestled with (2 Corinthians 12:7-
9). But I believe God works in my
weakness. “His grace is sufficient.”
When depression makes me feel
empty, God can fill me with something
better.
I have no real assurances that
“I’m all better now.” Maybe depression
never fully goes away. As much
as running and writing and friends
and family and God have helped
me through the days and years to
stay relatively sane and hopeful, I’ve
learned that depression loves its
little surprises.
But I’m not afraid of it. I’ve seen
the face of depression. I’ve heard its
lies and half-truths and nihilistic
whispers. So I stare depression in
the eye and live. Life is a gift—even
when it doesn’t feel like it.
There’s so much of our stories left
to live.
So even in the emptiness, I choose
to live. •
Paul asay is a movie reviewer for Plugged In
and the author of many books. This article
has been adapted from his book Beauty in
the Browns, a
published by Tyndale house Publishers. all
rights reserved.
If you are suffering from depression
If you or are know suffering someone from who depression
is, consider or know talking someone to a who counselor.
is,
consider
a
Family offers a onetime,
complimentary from a Christian consultation
consultation
perspective. from a Christian To reach perspective. a licensed To
or reach pastoral a registered counselor, counselor, call
call 855-771-HELP 1-800-661-9800 (4357) weekdays
between 68 a.m. and 84 p.m.
Pacific Mountain time. time.
GARYTOG / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 29
FaITH & INSPIRaTION / TESTIMONY
the freedom
to doubt
how charlotte Pence
bond’s search led her to
a vibrant faith in christ
BY BENJAMIN HAWKINS
charlotte Pence bond pictured above
WALKING THE STREETS
OF EASTERN JERUSALEM,
21-year-old Charlotte Pence looked
out across the Kidron Valley at the
western slope of the Mount of Olives.
Somewhere between 70,000 and
150,000 rectangular graves, nearly
stacked one upon another, lined the
slope. As she viewed the sight, her
Jewish travel guide, Roni, told her
the Messiah was expected to arrive
atop that mount. That’s why so many
had been buried there.
It was Charlotte’s first trip to
Israel. She had joined her family for
Christmas break after a semester at
Oxford University in the fall of 2014.
Since she was raised in a conservative
Christian home, she knew the
stories of Scripture. She knew that
Christians said the Messiah, Jesus,
had already stood on the Mount of
Olives. There, He was betrayed and
led away to His death on the Cross.
There, He ascended into heaven, and
will return to earth someday.
Charlotte now believes these biblical
truths herself. “My faith,” she
says, “is definitely a big part of my
life. That’s something I fall back on
in times of struggle and [rely on] in
good times, too.”
Indeed, she depended on her
faith in 2016 when she traveled the
vice-presidential campaign trail
with her parents, Mike and Karen
Pence. She leaned on her faith in
2017 when she met Henry Bond,
whom she married December 2019.
Their shared views on faith and life
are a large part of what drew them
together in the first place, she says.
AMELIA CASSAR PHOTOGRAPHY
30
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
TESTIMONY / FaITH & INSPIRaTION
But before she visited the Holy
Land, and before she studied theology
at Harvard Divinity School,
Charlotte doubted her childhood
faith and nearly left it behind.
A love of reading
When Charlotte was a young teenager,
she gave her dad a small book
for Father’s Day. On its cover she
wrote “The Lessons You Have Taught
Me.” Some of the advice listed in its
pages was practical: “Lead by example”
and “Anger does not inspire.”
Other pieces of advice encouraged
her to enjoy life: “Ride horses every
chance you get.” Still others called
her to faith in God: “The safest place
to be is in the center of God’s will.”
Seventh down on the list, Charlotte
wrote one simple word: “Read.”
“My dad definitely instilled in me
a love of reading,” she says. Among
Charlotte’s favorite books was C.S.
Lewis’ “The Chronicles of Narnia.”
Story times with her dad instilled in
her a love for writing and storytelling,
too, which have shaped her calling
and her faith. “Reading and writing,”
she says, “have always been ways
that I feel connected with God.”
Not afraid to seek
Charlotte’s parents encouraged her
to place her faith in Christ Jesus,
but they never pushed her or her
brother and sister to mindlessly
imitate their own faith.
“My parents really encouraged us
to seek out answers for ourselves.
They had a great way of showing
us what their faith is and how they
lived it out day by day,” Charlotte
says.
But they never discouraged honest
doubt. They taught her that if
she was honest with her questions,
God would reveal himself to her.
“One of my favorite stories in the
Bible is about Thomas doubting
Jesus,” she says, referring to John
20:24-29. “I just love that story
because Jesus doesn’t scold him. He
just shows Thomas His hands.”
Doubts began to grow in
Charlotte’s mind after she entered
college at Chicago’s DePaul
University in 2012. She flirted with
atheism and began to read the
works of atheist writers. Her conflict
with doubt culminated during her
junior year of college in 2014, when
she spent a year abroad studying
at St. Catherine’s College, Oxford.
Later, in her book Where You Go:
Life Lessons From My Father, she
wrote, “I was interested in other
types of ideas, ones I had not been
raised in. I stopped going to church
and reading my Bible.
“I think I still believed in God, but
I wanted to try living without the
burden of religious ideas,” she continued.
“I thought my questions
would go away or be answered. I
thought maybe I would no longer
care, and I would be able to live in
an agnostic way. Maybe a part of me
wished I could, but atheism didn’t
answer any questions I had.”
Then she remembered C.S.
Lewis, who had been an atheist
before placing his faith in Christ.
She pored over his apologetic and
theological works. “His writing
explained Christianity in a compelling
way, but it also helped me
to allow myself to have questions
. . . when I wasn’t sure if I believed
Christianity.”
But in the summer of 2014,
before her junior year, Charlotte
began to question a “free-thinking”
mindset that abandoned faith. In
Thought Catalog, an online magazine,
she wrote, “If my free thought
is free of magic and unexplainable
forces and the abundance of love
from something that is more than
human, then I don’t want it.”She
“
Let us not . . .
LISTEN NOW!
be afraid
Join Jim Daly as he discusses
family values with Mike Pence.
tos
eek .“
encouraged curiosity about religion
and concluded, “Let us not . . . be
afraid to seek.”
Flight toward faith
During her trip to the Holy Land,
Charlotte began to rediscover her
faith. “I believe it was my time spent
in Israel where I truly became a
Christian, where my faith was solidified
for me,” she later wrote. “No
matter what religion a person in Israel
might practice . . . they acknowledge
the truth of the history of the Bible.
They recognize the events took place.”
A few months later, Charlotte asked
God’s forgiveness and surrendered
herself to Him. It happened suddenly,
during a flight from England to the
United States. As she sat on the plane,
a Christian song from her playlist
started to play, and she began to cry.
“I’m not really a crier,” she says, “but
I just started crying, and I felt this feeling
of being welcomed back. That
year, I had turned away from God, but
He hadn’t left me.”
In that moment, she discovered a
new passion for Christ. “I remember
reading my Bible with excitement
for one of the first times in a long
time,” she says. Because her parents
had been so open with her about
matters of faith, she shared her
discoveries with them. And with
shared excitement, they celebrated
her newfound faith. •
benjamin hawkins is a freelance writer and
associate editor of The Pathway, the news
journal of the Missouri baptist convention.
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 31
FaITH & INSPIRaTION / MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT
a cHRISTIaN
OuTREacH IN
a MuSlIM laND
East navigates the difficulties of
ministering in a challenging culture
BY SCOTT JOHNSON
WHEN WE HEAR THE WORD EGYPT, most of us probably think of
pyramids and pharaohs. It’s an ancient land with thousands of years of history,
and it figures prominently in the Bible.
In 2001
network of international associate offices supported by
Over the years,
the Arab world. In Egypt, a desert country that traces back to among the
earliest civilizations, this small but dedicated group is on the cutting edge of living
out biblical principles within a Muslim land.
MAGANN / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
32
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT / FaITH & INSPIRaTION
General Manager remon Shohdy,
right, appearing as a guest
on a widely listened to radio
program produced by the coptic
Orthodox church
yacoub, center, with glasses, with refugees in erbil, Iraq
at the annual cairo book Fair, both Muslims
and christians get resources that have been
translated into arabic.
connecting with parents in alexandria, egypt
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY MIDDLE EAST
“All sorts of family
problems”
Regional Director Sami Yacoub is a
keenly gifted man who enthusiastically
embraces the task at hand. “We are
Christians by faith, living in a Muslim
culture,” he says. “So we have to understand
the impact of the Muslim culture
on our Christian community.”
Sami points to marriage as an
example. “In the Muslim culture,
men perceive women as inferior, as
property—even as ‘defective’ in faith
and in mind,” he explains. “With
such a lack of teaching about how
God wants family to be, there are all
sorts of family problems.”
The challenges families face in
the Arab world are similar to what
we experience in the West. Marital
conflict and parenting struggles are
universal. Issues involving homosexuality
and suicide are on the rise. As
technology expands, families must
deal with such topics as pornography,
media consumption and the excessive
influence of social media.
East works to address these issues
by translating and adapting the
best Christian resources available.
Having gained the trust of Coptic
Orthodox churches that comprise
the majority of Egypt’s Christian
population, over the last several
years the team has received many
invitations to present relationship
seminars in those churches throughout
Egypt.
Several key programs have been
crafted for the region. An Arabic
translation of The Truth Project
was launched in 2008 and remains
highly popular with Coptic leaders.
Adaptations of the No Apologies
abstinence curriculum, the Drug
Proof Your Kids seminar and the
Raising Highly Capable Kids parenting
course all consistently produce
significant results. Most recently, the
team expedited an Arabic version of
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 33
PRODucTS & RESOuRcES
Your generosity helps us develop life-changing,
faith-based resources. Please consider including
a donation with your purchase.
RECONNECTED
by Dr. GreG aND erIN SMaLLey
When daily interactions between a
husband and wife are crushed by
the endless grind of work, chores,
errands and car pool, even the most
committed couple can feel like they’re
living parallel lives. The Smalleys
offer ways to rekindle the passionate,
intimate, heart-to-heart connection
between you and your spouse.
ADVENTURES IN ODYSSEY
NO. 70: FINDING A WAY
Mysteries lurk around every corner,
and the citizens of Odyssey must
arrive at the truth. Detective Polehaus
investigates the mystery behind
connie’s stolen car. emily Jones is
falsely accused of a crime, but can
she discover the real culprit? as truth
comes to light, the people of Odyssey
learn about trusting God, confronting
fear and anticipating new beginnings.
9 LIES THAT WILL
DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE
by rOberT PauL aND
Dr. GreG SMaLLey
Marriage experts robert Paul and
Dr. Greg Smalley identify lies that our
culture promotes about marriage and
explain how those lies can destroy the
bonds between a husband and wife.
Then they offer the corresponding
truths, which can strengthen
marriages and even save the most
troubled relationships. (Includes selfassessments.)
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training. These programs have found
favor among Muslims dealing with such issues in
their own households.
Reaching out in love
In addition to practical teaching,
East works to tangibly meet humanitarian needs
whenever possible. Since 2014 the team has provided
aid to displaced Christian families in Iraq
and refugees in Jordan. In 2015, the office was the
catalyst for efforts to provide homes for the families
of 21 Coptic Christians who were martyred by
ISIS extremists.
Recently, the team has been working to bring
running water and basic sanitation to 300 impoverished
families in Deir Gabal El-Teir, a struggling
village in northern Egypt that has become a refuge
for Coptic Christians fleeing persecution in other
parts of the region. Team members are also assisting
five Lebanese churches with their support of
refugee families.
Serious prayer
effort in fervent prayer—from a major campaign
to a simple video meeting. That’s a good reminder
for all of us.
“Prayer is a serious business,” Sami says. “And
‘serious’ means that we do not force our plan—and
the answer we expect—on God. We must be sensitive
to see where and how God is answering our
prayers in His way.”
Sami and his co-workers value the participation
of Christians worldwide in this serious business.
“Please keep on praying for us,” he says. “And do
not underestimate that God is taking your prayer
seriously.” •
Scott Johnson is a senior writer in the Ministry Values division at
Learn more about
global outreach.
34
listen today at
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY February / March 2021
Kids & Teens
seeing my
family as
a priority
a parenting tip from
adrienne camp
PHOTO COURTESY OF ADRIENNE CAMP
Jeremy and adrienne camp pictured above
WHEN I FIRST BECAME A
MOM to Bella, I was eager to do
something outside the house, but
it seemed impossible. We were a
part of a small church community
in Lafayette, Indiana, at the time,
where Jeremy’s parents pastor. There
were so many needs at the church
and so few people to fill them. One
day I was talking to my mom-in-law,
Teri, about these needs and how
much I wanted to fill them, and yet I
didn’t have the time or capacity to do
so. She reminded me that there are
seasons for everything. Just because
there is a need doesn’t mean I have to
be the one to fill it. I learned to focus
on the things only I could fulfill—
especially in motherhood. •
adrienne camp is a South african singer and
songwriter, and the wife of Jeremy camp, a
Grammy nominated singer and songwriter.
adapted with permission from In Unison by
Jeremy and adrienne camp, published by
harvest house Publishers, eugene, Oregon,
97408. copyright © 2020 Jeremy and
adrienne camp. HarvestHousePublishers.com
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 35
36
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY February / March 2021
GRATITUDE / KIDS & TEENS
How to help kids live
faithfully in a land of plenty
BY ASHLEY HALES / ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN MELLEMA
LAST SUMMER, my four kids
and I headed to the ocean for a day
at the beach. Instead of packing
what felt like hundreds of snacks,
I treated them to a fast-food meal.
With three growing boys who order
adult portions, along with me and
my young daughter, I opted for getting
only the sandwiches instead of
the pricier combo meals. After all,
we had our water bottles.
As soon as I finished ordering, the
complaining began:
“Why don’t we ever get special
drinks?”
“What if we’re hungry later?”
So as we waited for our food, we
had a discussion in the drive-thru
line. The drinks weren’t on the
agenda; their grabby hearts were.
While it would have been easier for
me to talk about budget-line items
and why the sandwiches-only restriction
was a more prudent choice, we
discussed gratitude instead. We
talked about how good we have it,
and we named what we had to be
thankful for: God provides for our
family, we’re healthy and we even get
treats like a drive-thru meal on the
way to spend the day at the beach.
Left to their own devices, children
can easily develop attitudes of entitlement
that stem from living in a
land of plenty. Our job as parents is
to focus on instilling within our kids
the pursuit of better things—including
character traits that strengthen
them to resist the constant pull and
desire for more. Pursuing better
things allows them to feel content
with their lives, and character traits
help them understand the Gospel—
how it relates to them and how they
can faithfully live it out both now
and as they grow older. This means
we equip them with tools for making
wise choices and habits for connecting
them to God.
Asking hard questions
To start, I let my kids know that it
isn’t wrong to have nice things. God
blesses His children with nice things
all the time. But we must be careful
that we don’t make accumulating
and achieving material wealth our
idols. Also, we need to take good
care of the things God has entrusted
to us, whether we’ve been given
much or little.
Entitlement can take root if we
equate what we own or have access
to as the way we (and our kids) find
comfort and identity. That’s the difficult
part about living in a land of
plenty: We can accidentally train our
kids to trust in idols and not in Christ.
To disciple my children, I try to
help them become more aware of
and discerning about their wants
versus their needs. They need sleep
and food and exercise and obedience
to those in authority over
them. A lot of their other decisions
in life are based on what they want.
Remembering this is especially
important when we talk about peer
pressure and the ever-present call
of advertisers. >>>
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 37
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As I shop with my children, for
instance, I have an ongoing dialogue
with them. “If you buy that water
bottle, will you actually be healthier?”
or “If we buy that T-shirt, will
your classmates like you more?”
Stating what is being advertised and
training my children to tell me the
message of what’s being sold helps
them see the value of the object, not
the expectation of the ad or the subtle
pressure behind it to become
someone they’re not.
I also try to get my children to
keep the following questions in
mind as they work to understand
what is behind their desires and
decisions:
• What is motivating me?
• Why do I want to do this?
• Why do I want this item?
The more I engage in these kinds
of discussions with my kids, the
more likely they’ll consider these
questions on their own when faced
with decisions.
Engaging in a faith
community
Every Sunday, my family is well
prepared for the morning church
service. We have bags packed with
snacks, and coloring and origami
books to help keep little hands
busy. My children use these activities
whether we listen online during
church-building closures or in a
church pew. Being part of a faith
community that allows them this
freedom is important in helping my
kids engage with people from all
walks of life. As these people share
their testimonies and unique journeys
with God, my children have the
opportunity to keep their perspective
on what is eternal.
Praising God through song with
others helps my children remember
who God says we are. Their identity
is more foundational than what they
achieve or acquire. In worship, we
remember how we all find our deepest
identity in being God’s children.
My husband and I also remind
our older boys to stand and sing
and recite the Lord’s Prayer with
everyone. It might be easier to let
them quietly do their activities, but
we want to show them how to be
participants, not simply consumers—
even at church. We want them to
know that faith is active, not passive.
Parenting discipleship
Spending time with our kids is a
powerful way to shape and disciple
them (Deuteronomy 6:7). So my
husband and I use dinner, family
walks and bedtime as touch points.
Dinner is a time for us to encourage
spiritual formation. The table is
the place where we bring our day’s
highs and lows, and have emotional
temperature check-ins. It allows us to
process feelings and failures in light
of who Jesus says we are. One child
will talk about feeling bored and sad,
another will be quiet and not have
GRATITUDE / KIDS & TEENS
LISTEN NOW!
Ashley Hales identifies the idols of
suburbia and describes how we can
ensure that God is our top priority,
along with His mission of sharing
the Gospel with our neighbors.
words for his feelings, and another
will be grateful for her vegetable
seeds sprouting in our planter.
After dinner, we take a stroll
through our neighborhood. This is a
relaxed time in which we can learn
more about our children’s lives. We
might ask questions such as “What
made you frustrated today?” “Where
did you see God’s beauty?” or “What
have you been reading in your Bible
lately?” They also listen to us talk
about what God is doing in our lives,
what we’re dreaming about and what
challenges we’re facing.
Walking helps us really see our
neighborhood, too. We can notice
where people hang out and what
our neighbors’ needs are so we can
look for ways to serve those who live
near us.
At our children’s bedtime, my
husband and I often take the opportunity
to instill in our children a
desire to seek God on their own. We
challenge them to grow closer to
God through daily prayers, Bible
reading and age-appropriate devotions.
Then they can tell us what
they’ve learned each night.
Practicing hospitality
Affluence can pull our kids toward
becoming so self-absorbed that they
neglect to consider how they can
meet other people’s needs, which
is an important part of loving our
neighbor (Matthew 22:39). For
my family, the dinner table is our
primary way to love our neighbors.
Jesus not only walked everywhere—teaching,
preaching and
healing—but He also spent a lot of
time sharing a meal with others.
When we host guests in our home,
we intentionally include our children
in the preparations. Their
chores may include cleaning, cooking
and even being social. These
hospitable contributions require the
sacrifice of time and go against the
grain of an acquire-more-and-thinkonly-of-your-needs
culture.
Hospitality is about giving up
some of our comforts and conveniences
to make someone else feel
welcomed and cared for. We are
teaching our kids how to sit and chat
with a new family from church or a
neighbor stopping by for a visit.
While we’re gathered around the
table, we’re able to naturally share
the Good News of Jesus as a part
of being in relationship with people.
This practice helps our kids
understand the ebb and flow of conversation,
what it takes to develop
relationships and even how to have
empathy for others as they tell us
about their lives. When we practice
hospitality, we show our kids that
relationships are important.
When a new family moved in
across the street last summer, I
was pleased to see that our kids
were the first to extend hospitality.
They included the new child in
their skateboarding adventures
and invited him to play tag and
climb trees.
And when they said, “Hey, Mom,
our new neighbors are outside,” I
put down the dishes I was washing,
followed my kids’ lead and made
my way outside to get to know them.
Because of these actions, I was able
to develop a bond with our neighbors
as we smiled at our children’s
antics and began the process of getting
to know each other.
Finding your family’s focus
Life is found not in the doing or having
but in the being—with Jesus,
with each other at church, as a family
and with neighbors. Even as we
practice living faithfully in a land
of plenty, the Spirit of God is going
to show up and teach our kids better
than we ever could. But it starts
with preparing them for not getting
all they want at a fast-food restaurant
and then not getting angry at
them for their reaction. Instead, it
becomes another teaching moment
in family discipleship.
The Bible is clear that our deepest
identity is as beloved children of
God (John 1:12). And that is more
than enough. True riches will only
come to our kids if they know who
they are in Christ and respond to
what He wants them to do in the
lives of others. •
ashley hales is the author of Finding Holy in
the Suburbs: Living faithfully in the land of too
much.
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 39
KIDS & TEENS / INTENTIONALITY
Lisa harper and her
daughter, Missy
understanding when
kids need to talk
Take the time to help your children
process worry, grief and loss
BY LISA HARPER
AMY CONNER PHOTOGRAPHY
40
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
INTENTIONALITY / KIDS & TEENS
WHEN I WAS 10, my dad remarried and moved
us out of the city to begin his dream of becoming a
rancher. As his new ranch hand, I loved helping him
with the work and caring for our farm animals.
One summer, one of our cows died before weaning
her calf. I was thrilled to bottle-feed the orphaned
farm animal, and I spent every moment I could tending
to the black calf I’d named Inky. He followed me
around like an oversized puppy. He slept outside the
house, curled up with the dogs who’d accepted him
into their circle.
When Dad said it was time to assimilate Inky into
the herd, I cried, insisting that he didn’t know how to
be a cow anymore. He’d become part of our family. But
Dad gently persisted, saying we had to do what was
best for Inky.
One night, a pack of wild dogs attacked our herd. The
next morning, Dad delivered the news that Inky had
been killed. I was devastated.
While I was still grieving, my stepmother announced
in an irritated huff that she was so sick of hearing
me carry on over a “stupid cow.” I was 11, and it was
the first time I recognized a stark truth about life and
death: Grief is an isolating emotion. Despair puts
uneasy distance between the heartbroken and the
observers—especially when the heartbroken are children
and the observers are parents.
A listening presence
Because the pandemic hit everyone’s world with such
loss and upheaval, I’ve become more intentional about
combating the isolation and grief in my 11-year-old
daughter’s life. Often that means I’m just there to listen.
I’ve aimed to create regular time and space for my
daughter to talk about her concerns. Like many children,
Missy rarely offers up her deepest thoughts and feelings,
so this often takes creative coaxing. I usually get the
conversation going by asking questions I’ve adapted
from a prayer modeled by Ignatius, a bishop of the first
century church in Antioch.
LISTEN NOW!
God used the Book of Job to teach Lisa Harper how to
find joy in the middle of challenging circumstances.
1. When did your heart feel God
the most today?
2. What would you like to thank
God for today?
3. What are your “roses” (happy
moments/highlights) from
today?
4. What are your “thorns” (sad,
scary or difficult moments)
from today?
5. How do you need God to help
you tomorrow?
These conversations are always the highlight of
my day. Sometimes Missy is chatty, and other times
she doesn’t have much to share. But it’s during these
times that I often discover where the shadows of fear
are—those shadows that lurk in the corners of my
daughter’s heart.
She’s worried about getting extremely sick again,
as she was as a young girl in Haiti, and so she has
requested to sleep in my room because I’m able
to detect a fever before it gets too high. She’s worried
about our finances, since my work as a traveling
Bible teacher has been reduced during the pandemic,
and so she tells me she doesn’t need birthday presents
this year. She sees the news and is worried that
armed protesters might come to burn our house
down or kill her dogs. She’s worried that her beloved
Aunt Fifi will die before we can return to Haiti to visit
her. (Aunt Fifi is the saint of a woman who cared for
Missy after her first mama died of AIDS, which left
Missy infected with HIV and caused her to be stigmatized
in their rural village.) >>>
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41
KIDS & TEENS / INTENTIONALITY
My daughter spent the first four
years of her life battling deadly
illnesses, food scarcity and the
soul-crushing environment of an
impoverished orphanage. But the
pandemic and societal unrest seem
to have shaken her foundation
more. Or they have highlighted
cracks that were already there,
according to my counselor friends.
Whatever the case, I’m determined
to give my daughter the
time, space, support and listening
ear she needs to process her concerns,
because keeping them secret
only gives them room to grow and
increases their potential to damage
her innocent mind.
The reality of grief
A child may be grieving over something
that seems inconsequential to
an adult, but the emotions are still
powerful for the child. I’ll never forget
what a dear friend’s 13-year-old
son said to her after a breakup when
she tried gently explaining that his
brief relationship with his middle
school girlfriend was just “puppy
love.” He was quiet and respectful
throughout her monologue, but
when she finished, his eyes welled
up with tears. “Well, Mom, it sure
feels real to this puppy,” he said.
When my stepmother callously
referred to Inky as a “stupid cow,”
she was technically correct. Bovine
creatures don’t have nearly as high of
an intellectual capacity as humans.
However, she had an inability to recognize
that I had a real bond with that
calf, and therefore my grief was real.
We’d be hard-pressed to find anyone
else in human history who
walked the narrow aisles of pain, feeling
more alone than Job did. Before
the prologue of his story is even finished,
he’s lost almost everyone who
really mattered to him—except for
a few so-called friends and his wife,
who was more salt-for-his-wounds
than a comfort.
Unfortunately, much like my stepmother,
after a week of listening to
Job, these friends reached the end
of their empathy rope and revealed
their distaste for his honest despair.
The spirit of what they preached was
off because they were insensitive to
Job’s very real, very personal relationship
with God.
I don’t want to be like Job’s friends
as I raise my daughter to manage the
grief and turmoil this world dishes
out. Now’s the time for us to be especially
sensitive to our children. To
sit on the proverbial ash heaps of
what they’ve lost—school schedules,
sports, playdates, relationships with
grandparents—and truly listen while
they lament. Both our presence and
empathy are surely two of the most
powerful gifts we can offer. •
Lisa harper holds a Master of Theological
Studies degree from covenant Theological
Seminary in St. Louis. She’s authored a dozen
books including Life and Job Bible Study
Book: A story of unlikely joy.
If your children are having difficulty coping with grief, we can help. Contact
If your children are having difficulty coping with grief, we can help. Contact
resource recommendations, Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.
time) at 855-771-HELP or help@
(Pacific time) at 1-800-661-9800 or email help@fotf.ca.
42
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
ADAPTABILITY / KIDS & TEENS
Do your kids feel the
pressure to please you?
BY JEANNIE CUNNION
RANTA IMAGES / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
I RECENTLY OVERHEARD TWO MOTHERS
lamenting about the pressure their children had recently been
under during the college application process. One woman said,
“I’m so glad my daughter got into the college of my . . . oops, I
mean, her choice.”
They both giggled, and my heart broke for the pressure I
imagined this teen must have felt. But then God invited me to
look at what undue pressure my own children might be feeling
because of me. Ouch.
Most teenagers report high stress levels. One reason is that
our children are linking accomplishments to acceptance, success
to significance. Through their performance on the field, at
school and in their social lives, they’re asking, Am I enough?
They want to know if they’re living up to the expectations of
their parents and of God.
Unfortunately, they believe they have to excel at everything,
which leaves them terrified to reveal their inadequacies and
insecurities. Instead, they hide behind the best version of themselves—often
a fake, polished social-media version.
As one youth worker (and mother) shared with me, teens
today believe their behavior makes them more or less lovable to
their parents. Kids then link their good and bad behavior to how
God feels about them. Her youth group, she explained, is full of
kids who never feel “good enough,” and they feel anxious as a
result.
In response to these patterns, parents of anxious teens often
feel helpless, questioning their own parenting decisions. Their
confidence suffers as they try to help their kids navigate the battles
they have to fight, the mountains they have to climb. Have
I done too much? Have I not done enough? Am I helping or hurting
my child?
How can parents help their teens cope with a pressure-filled
world without being a source of undue pressure themselves?
Here are a few ideas to consider as you work to release your
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 43
KIDS & TEENS / ADAPTABILITY
LISTEN NOW!
Jeannie Cunnion talks about what
it means to be a grace-based mom.
GraceBasedMom
children from unnecessary
pressures:
Set an example. If we want to
raise kids who find freedom from
the pressure to get it all right in
order to be loved, we must first find
freedom from that pressure to get
it all right as parents. We must seek
God’s wisdom and direction, choosing
to trust Him with the children
He has entrusted to us.
While we play a major role in our
teens’ lives, God is the Good Father.
We are significant, but God is sovereign.
It’s only in embracing this
truth that we are freed up as parents
to help our kids embrace the Good
News for themselves.
Spend time on other things.
Enjoy quality time with your children
in a way that doesn’t focus on
performance. Go out for ice cream.
Explore nature. Take a road trip.
Leave space for relationship with
your teens where they have nothing
to do but be themselves. We want
our kids to feel what we ourselves
long to feel: safe to take off their
masks and let down their guard.
Celebrate your unique teen. Be
better at noticing things. Praise
your teen for her unique personality
and character qualities, such
as kindness, thoughtfulness or a
sense of humor. Our teens long for
acceptance and unconditional love.
Noticing who God has designed
your teen to be—and making an
intentional and ongoing effort to
tell her—imparts value and security.
Make time for rest. We live in a
fast-paced society where activities
can easily fill in any margin we have
as a family. This causes stress that
teens aren’t wired to absorb. The
Bible talks a lot about rest as a gift
from God (Matthew 11:28). Honor
this need by making downtime a
priority. This may mean skipping
out on a sport or activity or scheduling
some dedicated rest time each
week. Taking a break allows our
teens to see they have value apart
from work and performance.
Escape! When the internal and
external voices whisper, You don’t
measure up, we want our children
to know deep in their souls that the
only One who gets to define them
is the One who created them and
calls them beloved. Freedom springs
from this truth. In God’s eyes, we
are valuable because of what He has
done for us in the person and work
of Jesus Christ.
Embracing that truth won’t
always help our kids manage
anxious times. But it is the only
foundation capable of supporting a
life of freedom from the exhausting
quest to prove value through performance.
The good news our kids
need to hear is that whether they
fail or succeed, obey or rebel, work
or rest, God has given them everything
they need to be “enough” in
Him through Jesus. •
Jeannie cunnion is the author of Parenting the
Wholehearted Child and Mom Set Free. She is
also a frequent speaker at women’s conferences
and parenting events around the country.
RANTA IMAGES / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
44
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
HUMOR / KIDS & TEENS
I got played by
a 3-year-old
. . . and he was brilliant
BY VICKI BAHR
MEGANBETTERIDGE / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
I WAS WATCHING our 3-yearold
grandson, Adler, while his mom
and dad were working on “his” new
house. Surrounding us were moving
boxes and stacks of clothing.
Adler showed me a plastic grocery
bag filled with an unlikely assortment
of dinosaurs, an octopus, a
squid, something that looked like
Godzilla and a random ocelot.
We lined up the creatures on the
coffee table, marched them over
mountains made of T-shirts, pretended
they were drinking at a lake
made out of a paper plate and held
pretend wrestling matches to see
which one was the strongest.
Godzilla won.
The conflict
When we were done, Adler was ready
to play restaurant.
“Let’s pick up the dinosaurs first,” I
suggested. “We’re going to need the
table for your restaurant food.”
“No, we won’t,” he argued, ready to
move on to the next adventure.
“The dinosaurs need to go back
into their bag for the night,” I said.
“I heard that Miss Ashley said you are
the best picker-upper at school. And
the fastest.”
There was a glint in his eye. “I am,”
he said as he ran into the kitchen.
“But the dinosaurs don’t have a bag
anymore. It’s in the trash can now,
and it’s all icky.”
Game on
I’ve raised four children, taught
preschoolers and outwitted more
toddlers than I can count.
“That’s OK,” I said. “I have a better
bag in my purse. How about I pick
up the ocelot, and you pick up the
squid? Isn’t there a song you sing to
help with toy pickup?”
That got his attention! “Two minutes
to pick up toys, pick up toys,
pick up toys. One minute to pick
up toys . . .” we sang loudly, but all
of a sudden the song turned into
a rousing rendition of “The ants
go marching one by one,” and he
marched back and forth over the
many dinosaurs still on the floor.
The twist
“That was great!” I said. “Let’s put the
dinosaurs to bed now.”
“But they need a bedtime story,” he
said. Of course they did. And they
got one. Goodnight Moon.
“Now they’re ready to go to sleep,
Grandma, but they need a goodnight
kiss,” he said. “I’ll cook you a
pizza just the way you like it at my
restaurant while you put them to
bed.”
The kid is good; I’ll give him that.
He even told his mom the next
morning that I did a really good job
of picking up the dinosaurs, and he
was really proud of me. •
Vicki bahr loves to play with words. her
husband, four children and their spouses,
and nine grandchildren consistently provide
inspiration to make those words come to life.
February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45
FaMIly / MY THRIVING FAMILY
Indoor
Forts
Rory, 3, Hattie, 7 months, and
Fletcher (hidden ninja), 5
creative fort building with baby gates, a twoby-four,
sheet and pull string camping lights.
—Carlee from Colorado
Sophia, 13, Sadie, 6, and Scotlyn 8
you can’t keep these sisters boxed in
unless it’s a box fort!
—Rebecca from North Carolina
Alyssa, 7, and Wyatt, 10
a homemade behind-the-couch fort wellsupplied
with books, snacks and pillows!
—Autumn from Texas
Your kids could be in
the Family magazine!
email photos* of your child’s silly outfits or playing in the snow.
(Put “silly outfits” or “snow fun” in the subject line.)
Send to
info@fotf.ca.
* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted
46
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
February / March 2021
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