Static Live February 2021
STATIC LIVE Magazine is Central Florida’s premier publication dedicated to celebrating music and culture. STATIC LIVE provides extensive, detailed community information from fashion to art, entertainment to events through noteworthy interviews, sensational photography and in-depth editorial coverage. STATIC LIVE is the only publication of its kind in Central Florida and reaches all target markets through wide distribution channels. Our staff includes highly accomplished contributors with award-winning backgrounds in music and entertainment; we know how much business is captured from the entertainment market. Our free full color publication can be found throughout Central Florida at key retailers, hotels and restaurants in high traffic areas. Our mission is to highlight the incredible talent, culture and lifestyle in Central Florida. With eye-opening profiles and coverage of the music and art community, STATIC LIVE readers will be positively influenced by our topical content and trending advertisers. STATIC LIVE Magazine is the most effective tool for branding connectivity with consumers in our area.
STATIC LIVE Magazine is Central Florida’s premier publication dedicated to celebrating music and culture. STATIC LIVE provides extensive, detailed community information from fashion to art, entertainment to events through noteworthy interviews, sensational photography and in-depth editorial coverage. STATIC LIVE is the only publication of its kind in Central Florida and reaches all target markets through wide distribution channels. Our staff includes highly accomplished contributors with award-winning backgrounds in music and entertainment; we know how much business is captured from the entertainment market. Our free full color publication can be found throughout Central Florida at key retailers, hotels and restaurants in high traffic areas. Our mission is to highlight the incredible talent, culture and lifestyle in Central Florida. With eye-opening profiles and coverage of the music and art community, STATIC LIVE readers will be positively influenced by our topical content and trending advertisers. STATIC LIVE Magazine is the most effective tool for branding connectivity with consumers in our area.
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<strong>Static</strong> <strong>Live</strong>’s Annual Valentine’s<br />
Day Field Guide to Love Songs<br />
By Ric de Yampert<br />
Ever since Og the Caveman<br />
began wooing Ogette<br />
the Cavewoman during the<br />
world’s first ever Valentine’s<br />
Day, we guys have relied upon<br />
music to help us convince you<br />
ladies that this love thing isn’t<br />
just about getting your panties<br />
off – that it’s also about, well,<br />
the love thing.<br />
Like Cyrano de Bergerac, we<br />
guys rely on the great songsmiths<br />
of the ages to<br />
put words in our<br />
mouths, our Valentine’s<br />
Day cards and our gifts<br />
of mixtapes – words<br />
that we know (well, that<br />
we hope) will lay bare<br />
our affection for you<br />
and make<br />
you<br />
swoon.<br />
But, like Og, we modern-day guys, though wellmeaning,<br />
are Troglodytes when it comes to the<br />
love thing. Cupid makes us stupid. Given that and<br />
the fact that there is no such thing as a simple<br />
love song, it’s quite possible you women may<br />
open a Valentine’s Day card and discover a CD<br />
of MarilynManson’s “Valentine’s Day.” (Memo to<br />
my fellow Troglodytes – that would not be a good<br />
thing.)<br />
Guys, don’t let Cupid make you his bitch. Here is<br />
<strong>Static</strong> <strong>Live</strong>’s Annual Valentine’s Day Field Guide<br />
to Love Songs. Read it. Heed its lessons. Ladies,<br />
sneak a copy into your man’s secret porno stash<br />
– yes, the one you discovered months ago and<br />
decided to let it ride – so that he will have no<br />
excuse come Cupid Day.<br />
* Lesson No. 1 – Beware the trick love song!<br />
<strong>Static</strong> <strong>Live</strong>’s crack team of researchers has done<br />
the math and the results are in: To date in the<br />
history of the world, the bards and songsmiths<br />
have written 7,562,923 songs of the lovey,<br />
gooey “I Want to Hold Your Hand” variety, while<br />
those same bards and songsmiths have written<br />
7,562,924 songs of the “Love Stinks” variety.<br />
But <strong>Static</strong> <strong>Live</strong>’s research department is still busy<br />
calculating the number of trick love songs – they<br />
are legion! These are the insidious little bastards<br />
whipped up by Cupid to make us guys look bad.<br />
Quote one of these songs to your lady and you<br />
may think you’re the all-time greatest Romeo,<br />
but you might as well give her one of those<br />
farting dogs CDs. “Every Breath You Take” by the<br />
Police? Total stalker song. “Love Is Blindness”<br />
by U2? No, the guy isn’t blinded by his beauty’s<br />
beauty – he’s a head case who thinks love is a<br />
“little death.” “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails? “You<br />
make me perfect!”<br />
Trent Rezner croons – before confessing he<br />
wants to have sexual intercourse with his babe<br />
like an animal . . . and not like some cuddly<br />
wombat. Beware, you magnificent dumb-ass<br />
Troglodyte! There are many more.<br />
* Lesson No. 2 – Don’t buy your sweetie a<br />
last-minute Valentine’s Day CD at a truck stop.<br />
So, you messed up again and forgot to get your<br />
lady a Cupid Day gift. You’ve just gassed up at<br />
your local truck stop on the way home and you<br />
notice some David Allan Coe CDs behind the pay<br />
counter. “Hey!” you say to yourself. “He’s the guy<br />
who wrote ‘Would You Lay with Me (In a Field of<br />
Stone),’ one of the greatest country love songs<br />
ever! Great! Problem solved. I’m gonna pull this<br />
Cupid stuff out of my ass!” So you buy a Coe CD<br />
and toss it into a red gift bag.<br />
Oh, you magnificent dumb-ass Troglodyte! David<br />
Allan Coe truck-stop CDs are a different animal<br />
than David Allan Coe record store CDs. Congratulations!<br />
Your honey will be quite joyed, I’m sure,<br />
to get a VD CD with such songs as “Little Suzzie<br />
Shallow Throat,” “Don’t Bite the [censored],” “Linda<br />
Lovelace’’ and other ditties with titles we don’t<br />
print in a respectable magazine like <strong>Static</strong> <strong>Live</strong>.<br />
* Lesson No. 3 – No silly love songs! So, you’re<br />
a clever bastard who’s determined to outwit the<br />
Cupid Day jinx. You’ll score a Hallmark card and<br />
scribble the lyrics to Paul McCartney’s “Silly Love<br />
Songs” inside and be done with it.<br />
Oh, you magnificent dumb-ass Troglodyte! You<br />
can’t win. Quote “Silly Love Songs” or some other<br />
silly love song to your babe, and she will reply in<br />
a pissy, snarky voice: “What? You think love is<br />
silly? You think this is some game?”<br />
OK, guys, by now you’ve got<br />
the point: Cupid, no matter<br />
what you do, will make you<br />
stupid. You are doomed. Your<br />
best bet is to buy your lady a<br />
CD of farting dogs performing<br />
pop hits. Just make sure<br />
it’s instrumental hits and not<br />
some of those tricks songs<br />
with lyrics mentioned above<br />
– and remember that all love<br />
songs, ultimately, are trick<br />
songs.<br />
She’ll love a CD of<br />
Chihuahuas and<br />
blue-tick hounds farting<br />
the greatest hits of,<br />
say, the Ventures, that<br />
1960s guitar<br />
instrumental group.<br />
Trust me on this.<br />
You’re<br />
welcome.<br />
20<br />
21
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