Focus on the Family Magazine

DESTARRA’S 

AWAKENING 

Helping Families Thrive in Christ 

AUG / SEP 2021 

FROM 

PLANNED 

PARENTHOOD 

TO PRO-LIFE 

Plan 

Let’s 

Make a 

pg. 21

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August / September 

Contents 

FLAFFY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

Couples 

11 THE SONG OF A HEARTBEAT 

A pro-life reflection from Josh Wilson 

as told to Ann Byle 

12 FINDING HUMILITY ON 

THE SET OF ‘AMERICAN IDOL’ 

The moment I realized that God 

would use me, in spite of my 

weaknesses 

by Phil Stacey with Thomas Jeffries 

15 HIDDEN EXPECTATIONS 

Be intentional about sharing your 

unspoken hopes and desires 

by Mari Jo Mast 

16 YOU’RE LOVERS AND FRIENDS . . . 

BUT ARE YOU PARTNERS? 

Building a strong partnership in 

your marriage is key to a healthy 

relationship 

by Kevin A. Thompson 

20 NO MORE SECRETS 

How to deal with a past 

abortion in marriage 

by Heather Drabinsky 

Faith & Inspiration 

21 ‘LET’S MAKE A PLAN’ 

A spiritual insight from <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family leadership 

by Robyn Chambers 

23 DESTARRA’S AWAKENING 

She was young and naive, stuck 

in a vicious cycle of unplanned 

pregnancies and clinic visits. She 

needed to hear the truth 

by Thomas Jeffries 

29 WHOLE PERSON EVANGELISM 

Why we are called to care for body, 

mind and soul in the name of Christ 

by Subby Szterszky 

34 FROM PLANNED 

PARENTHOOD TO PRO-LIFE 

My journey from performing 

abortions to defending the 

rights of preborn children 

by Dr. Patti Giebink 

Kids & Teens 

37 DESIGNED WITH VALUE 

A parenting insight from 

Meredith Andrews 

as told to Jane Johnson Struck 

38 TENDER-HEARTED KIDS 

Parenting sensitive children takes 

understanding and attention 

by Elizabeth Laing Thompson 

42 TEACHING TEENS ABOUT LOVE 

Help them understand the 

difference between healthy and 

toxic relationships 

by Catherine Wilson 

In Every 

Issue 

4 A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT 

5 HACKS & FACTS 

10 MEDIA 

46 MY THRIVING FAMILY 

August / September 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT 

Bob Cheatley was interim 

president of <strong>Focus</strong> on 

the Family Canada from 

January to June 2021 

the last year 

and the 

value of life 

LAST YEAR OUR LIVES WERE 

TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. It has 

- 

tainty and loss. We have been unable to visit 

our elderly loved ones. Many of us could not 

say goodbye to those we love and were unable 

to gather in person to remember them. We 

are wired for community and connection, so 

staying home and limiting our social interactions 

has been challenging. 

But what I have been inspired by is the 

compassionate heart behind those actions. 

During this strange time, we learned staying physically distant 

from our neighbors was an act of loving our neighbors. 

We have seen a desire to protect our most vulnerable loved 

ones and to save those in our communities who are most 

at risk. 

At <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada, we believe that everyone 

is created by God in his image and therefore everyone 

possesses inherent dignity and immeasurable worth. One 

thing that has come out of the pandemic has been the 

need to protect and value the elderly, those with special 

needs, and those with health conditions that leave them 

immunocompromised. 

As believers, we are called to defend, protect and value 

all human life—just as our Savior modeled for us. We are 

to reach out with care and compassion to the marginalized. 

whether they’re our friends and family or strangers in our 

communities—know they are loved by God and made worthy 

just by being his creation. 

which we can value all human life and follow the example of 

Christ by showing love, grace, compassion, gentleness and 

generosity to everyone we encounter. 

As we look ahead with hope, let us not forget the lessons 

we’ve learned in the last year about loving our neighbors. In 

the words of John, the Evangelist, “Beloved, if God so loved 

us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:11). 

president Jim Daly 

publisher Steve Johnson 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine August /September 

2021, Vol. 6, No. 4 ISSN 2471-5921, © 2021 <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family. All rights reserved. Published by <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

deductible giving by the federal government. <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family is a federally registered trademark of 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

To notify us of an address change or to contact <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family: 800-232-6459; 8605 Explorer Dr., 

Colorado Springs, CO 80920-1051; 

HELP@focusonthefamily.com. 

Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are 

from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version ® (ESV ® ). 

Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry 

of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved. ESV Text 

Edition: 2016. 

IMPORTANT NOTICE! By submitting letters and other 

materials, you agree 1) they become the property of 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family and will not be returned; 2) <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family, its assigns and licensees, have been 

granted the nonexclusive right to use and/or 

reproduce the materials in any manner for any 

purpose. Our agreement is made in Colorado and 

controlled by Colorado law. 

Send author submissions to 

<strong>Focus</strong>MagSubmissions@family.org. 

REPRINT PERMISSION: 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Permissions 

Website references do not constitute blanket 

endorsement or complete agreement by <strong>Focus</strong> on 

or through those sites. 

Ken Windebank 

focus canada interim president Bob Cheatley 

editorial director Sheila Seifert 

managing editor Andrea Gutierrez 

copy chief Scott DeNicola 

contributing editors Ginger Kolbaba, Vance 

art director Brian Mellema 

designer Anneka Jack 

cover Katherine Marie Photography 

media publishing director Kevin Shirin 

editorial assistant Kat Bittner 

print production Gail Wise 

circulation Sandy Grivy 

Thank you! 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family provides this magazine and 

other resources through the generosity of friends 

like you. <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Donate 

For a subscription, go to <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/ 

Magazine. 

Return undeliverable Canadian addresses to: 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family, 19946 80A Avenue, Langley, BC 

V2Y 0J8; 800-661-9800; info@fotf.ca; 

GST# 10684 5969 RT0001 

Printed in the U.S.A. Paper manufactured by a mill that 

practices sustainable forestry. 

Bob Cheatley 

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 

AUGUST / SEPTEMBER 2021

Hacks & Facts 

CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING 

Nerf Spelling 

My son’s reading worksheets didn’t hold his 

interest. He had many new words to learn and 

no motivation. As I sat in his room, I looked 

around for inspiration, motivation—anything, 

really! And there it was . . . Nerf toys! I wrote the 

sight words my son needed to learn on sticky 

notes. I placed them all over the wall and handed 

him the loaded Nerf gun. 

I said, “Find the word your and shoot it with 

your Nerf gun.” 

Smiling, he looked at the wall and concentrated 

before targeting his answer. Smack! 

“Correct,” I said. 

“Can we do another one?” he asked. 

“We can do all of them,” I said with a sigh of relief. 

—Jessica Wilson 

ERIN DRAGO PHOTOGRAPHY 


HACKS & FACTS / HOME LEARNING 

DAIL Y 

SCH EDULE 

8am 

10am 

Pursuing 

New 

Projects 

When my kids’ enthusiasm for 

learning at home waned, my 

husband and I reminded our kids 

that this kind of school allows 

more discretionary time. The 

kids chose to pursue projects 

they didn’t have time for before. 

Our youngest has learned some 

computer coding, our middle 

child has learned to knit, and our 

oldest can now play the guitar. 

—Nancy Koenig 

Time Blocks 

My daughter had short blocks of time to do her kindergarten schoolwork. I explained that as long as she was 

working during that time she could be done when the timer went off, even if the assignment wasn’t finished. 

Most days she was able to complete the work in the time block, but in a few instances, she didn’t finish. That was 

OK. Once the timer went off, she was able to move on to a preferred activity to help her unwind. Knowing that 

she only had to work for a short period of time helped her focus and motivated her, so it was not a power struggle. 

When the work didn’t get finished, we revisited it later in the day with fresh eyes and a rested mind. 

—Autumn Shaffer 

PORTRAITS BY ERIN DRAGO PHOTOGRAPHY 

Helping Her Succeed 

For the first few weeks of learning from home, my daughter complained she couldn’t do it. So I’d lean over her 

shoulder and explain the assignment. 

Then I became the student for a day and kept Hannah’s complaints in mind. As I worked through one of her 

lessons, I encountered similar frustrations, which helped me figure out how to help her succeed. 

First, it took 45 minutes to an hour for each subject. Therefore, she needed a break not just between subjects, 

but halfway through each lesson. Then I explained how she could recognize the work that was optional. 

Those two tweaks helped Hannah better approach her schoolwork. 

—Jennifer Henn 

6 


August / September 2021

HOME LEARNING / HACKS & FACTS 

12pm 

2pm 4pm 

Assignment Sandwich 

A strategy that worked the best for us was to sandwich 

the least favorite assignments between easier and more 

enjoyable ones. For my kids, the enjoyable activities 

were creative writing and science videos. Our routine 

was writing (easy), timed math (hard), and then a 

science video (fun). This routine made it easier to get 

through the harder assignments. 

—Elisabeth Ramon 

Sibling Mentors 

One benefit my kids have enjoyed from 

doing school from home is when the 

older kids help their younger siblings with 

schoolwork. The older kids feel important, 

and the younger kids feel special having 

an older brother or sister pay attention to 

them. 

Eva made an alphabet flashcard game 

for her little sister, Ella Mae, to learn her 

letters. I heard them laughing through 

the whole house, and Ella Mae knows her 

alphabet now. 

When our son Warren was trying to 

learn how to tell time, Will, his big brother, 

took him to a wall clock in our house 

and showed how the hands moved. Now 

whenever Warren wants to know the 

time, he reads the wall clock and proudly 

announces the correct time. 

—Woodie Turner 

(TEXTURE) DABOOST / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

Staggered Schedules 

When my children started learning at home, I initially had a vision of my kids 

working quietly and harmoniously. The reality was actually loud and chaotic 

with a lot of bickering. So I staggered their schedules, and they each had a 

designated spot in the house (the dining room, the kitchen and the couch). 

I would work with one child while the other two showered, ate breakfast or 

read a book. When schoolwork was finished around lunchtime, they were 

more likely to want to play nicely with one another. 

—Megan Bray 


HACKS & FACTS / STEM ACTIVITIES 

Old Electronics, 

New Discoveries 

Our son Isaac liked to take things apart to 

see how they worked and then create something 

new with the parts. One summer we 

brought home some old electronics that 

friends no longer wanted. Ensuring they 

were unplugged beforehand, he used his 

tool kit to explore the inner workings of 

everything from a defunct toaster oven to 

an old projector. We also gave him our broken 

DVD player. He started investigating, and 

later that day brought it back fully functioning. 

Nurturing our son’s curiosity helped him 

gain confidence in his abilities. 

—Jennifer Henn 

Collapsing Soda Cans 

My 8-year-old twin grandchildren were wowed by a 

soda-can crushing trick I’d discovered. We heated a small 

amount of water in a soda can. Once steam emerged 

through the opening, I inverted the can into a bowl of ice 

water and salt. As soon as the hot can came in contact 

with the cold water, the can collapsed on itself, creating a 

satisfying pop. 

We did this experiment several times, with the twins 

carefully handling the hot cans with tongs. They quickly 

learned that in order to keep the fun going they had to 

take turns and work together. Once they got comfortable 

explaining the science, they took turns as “narrator” and 

“scientist.” 

Later, we again used salt to keep ice cold as we made 

homemade ice cream. The children realized that when 

we study and apply science, we better understand God’s 

amazing creation. 

—Teresa Auten 

CAUTION: Adult supervision is always recommended 

for at-home science experiments. 

DIY Lava Lamp 

MY 10-YEAR-OLD made her own “lava 

lamp” with the help of her younger 

brothers. She took a clean, clear halfgallon 

juice container and then filled 

it with 1 cup of water and 3 cups of 

vegetable oil. After adding a few drops 

of blue food coloring, she put on the lid 

and shook it until the water was bright 

blue. She then let her brothers crush 

and drop Alka-Seltzer tablets into the 

container. After using four tablets, she 

tightened the lid and they all watched 

the bubbling action take place. 

This activity gave my daughter an 

opportunity to be a leader and practice 

gentleness and kindness with her 

siblings. It was refreshing to see them 

working together and getting along. 

—Heather Vogler 

YAOINLOVE / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

8 



STEM ACTIVITIES / HACKS & FACTS 

Ecology 

for Kids 

MONKEY BUSINESS / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

LAST SUMMER, we collected samples of aquatic 

life from a stream near our home. First, we filled 

mesh bags with handfuls of leaves. Then we put 

those bags in a shallow part of the stream and 

secured them in place with heavy rocks. Three 

weeks later, we returned to the stream, retrieved 

the packs and sorted through them. 

We found freshwater shrimp, fly larvae, leeches 

and aquatic sow bugs. To make identifying the 

critters easier, we used a white plastic tray as a 

background and an inexpensive magnifying glass. 

After recording what we found, we researched 

our discoveries. Freshwater shrimp and aquatic 

sow bugs are both crustaceans, and these made 

up about 70% of our collection. We concluded 

that our stream has low water quality, theorizing 

that pollution was one possible reason. 

We talked about how pollution can hurt 

ecosystems all over the world. We looked at passages 

in Genesis when God placed humans 

as stewards of creation. Our adventures in that 

stream helped us learn more about God’s creation 

and how to take better care of it. 

—Sarah Jane Young 

Toy Car Calculations 

My family built tracks for toy cars using boxes and 

pool noodles cut in half. We experimented with 

changing the slope of the ramp and used boxes to 

add turns, roads and even props. We timed the cars 

as they went on the ramp and measured how far they 

would go; we added different items to adjust the slope 

or change the speed. 

For example, we added sandpaper and predicted if 

the car would go farther, shorter or the same distance. 

When the ramp didn’t work how we had expected 

or things fell apart, I was able to instill a sense of 

perseverance into my daughter. We talked about 

problem-solving to work through things when it gets 

hard, and this is a lesson that we still refer to almost 

daily. 

Since 1990, employment 

in STEM fields has 

GROWN BY 79%, 

far outpacing other job sectors. 

source: Pew Research, 2018 

—Autumn Shaffer 


MEDIA / PLUGGED IN 

UPCOMING 

REVIEWS 

For reviews of these and other 

titles, visit PluggedIn.com, <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family’s media review and 

discernment website. 

Our kids had far too much screen 

time while housebound during 

COVID-19 restrictions. How 

can we begin to reset healthy 

boundaries? 

PAW PATROL: 

THE MOVIE 

Will the big-screen version of 

this Nickelodeon series stick 

with its pup-friendly formula? 

Scheduled release: Aug. 20 

THE SUICIDE 

SQUAD 

If you have DC fans at 

home, you’ll want to know 

if Harley Quinn tones down 

her wild antics. 

Scheduled release: Aug. 6 

SHANG-CHI AND 

THE LEGEND OF 

THE TEN RINGS 

How much violence can 

families expect in Marvel’s 

latest superhero flick? 

Scheduled release: Sept. 3 

That’s a question I suspect many 

families—including mine!—are 

dealing with. Let’s look at some 

concrete steps to re-establishing technological 

balance and boundaries. 

First, reset is the right word. When our 

habits slip into an unhealthy place, we 

need to be honest about it and choose to 

take action. Merely hoping things will get 

better won’t bring about change. 

Second, as parents, let’s understand 

what’s behind our kids’ screen habits. 

While cooped up at home, your kids may 

have been dealing with issues such as 

boredom, not knowing how to structure 

blocks of time and wanting to connect 

with friends. Ask your kids about the 

games and social media apps they use 

and why they find those activities so 

appealing. 

Third, carve out space to talk through 

your family’s screen habits and the 

importance of establishing healthy limits. 

For more mature tweens and teens, this 

can involve questions such as, “What kind 

of limits do you think are reasonable?” 

and “How should we keep track of screen 

time?” If you have their buy-in, reset 

changes will go smoother. 

Finally, we may need a look in that 

proverbial mirror. There’s a reasonable 

chance that our kids are imitating our 

own tech habits. Don’t dismiss the possibility 

that we need to make significant 

changes alongside our kids. 

—Adam Holz, director of Plugged In 

(TOP TO BOTTOM) © 2021 SPIN MASTER LTD.; ©2021 MARVEL; © 2020 DC ENTERTAINMENT 

10 



Couples 

the song of 

a heartbeat 

A pro-life reflection 

from Josh Wilson 

AS TOLD TO ANN BYLE 

THE VALUE OF HUMAN LIFE really hit me when my wife, 

Becca, and I heard our son’s heartbeat during an ultrasound. His 

tiny heart was swishing so quickly and steadily that I took out my 

phone and recorded it. My wife’s pregnancy coincided with the 

recording of an instrumental arrangement of Beethoven’s “Ode to 

Joy” in my album That Was Then, This Is Now. In that arrangement, 

all the music eventually drops out, and all we hear is little Asher’s 

heartbeat. Our son reinforced to both Becca and me that life is a gift 

from God, a grace, something we don’t deserve. • 

Josh Wilson has multiple hit songs, including “Fall Apart” and “Before the Morning.” 

One of his latest singles, “Revolutionary,” encourages listeners to join the revolution of 

kindness that Jesus started. 

Josh and Becca Wilson with their 

5-year-old son, Asher 

PHOTO COURTESY OF JOSH WILSON 

August / september 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11

COUPLES / TRUSTING GOD 

The moment I realized that 

God would use me, in spite 

of my weaknesses 

BY PHIL STACEY WITH THOMAS JEFFRIES 

I WAS BACKSTAGE ON 

THE SET OF “AMERICAN 

IDOL,” and I was absolutely terrified. 

Tens of millions would be 

watching the live show, and my 

nerves were shot. Simply breathing 

was difficult. I was sweating, and my 

legs were trembling. 

As I waited for my cue, I softly sang 

a Rich Mullins classic— 

“Hold me Jesus, ’cause I’m shaking 

like a leaf . . .” 

In a few minutes I would be 

escorted to the stage to perform. 

While I was waiting, I wondered, 

Why in the world have I gotten myself 

into this? All my dreams are right in 

front of me, but one misstep could 

cost me everything. 

A message in the moment 

The pressure had been building 

steadily, to the point where I was 

having borderline panic attacks 

before each show. It had been this 

way for a few weeks, and it wasn’t 

getting any better. 

Finally, the most wonderful 

woman in the world decided she had 

seen enough. My wife looked at me 

with all the love she could muster. 

“Phil, you need to know that this is 

pride,” Kendra said. “It’s eating away 

at you, and you need to get rid of it or 

it will destroy you.” 

I was perplexed. “If this were 

pride,” I replied, “I’d have at least 

some measure of confidence. What 

you’re seeing right now is humility.” 

“No, Phil. This is you being worried 

about how you come across on television 

because you want everyone 

to think you’re good. But this isn’t 

about you. There were thousands of 

auditions this year, and most of them 

were good. But those other singers 

aren’t here. You are. And I imagine 

the only way that’s possible is 

12 


August / september 2021

PHIL 

STAC E Y 

RICK DIAMOND / WIREIMAGE VIA GETTY IMAGES 

because God has prepared a way for 

you to be here. 

“Seems to me that He has a purpose 

in all this. Seems to me that it’s 

in His hands. And if you can fully 

trust Him, you’ll stop worrying about 

how good you look and just start 

enjoying the ride. If you get eliminated, 

God has opened doors for 

you. If you make it through, God has 

opened doors for you. Either way, 

God will give you the grace to do 

whatever’s necessary to accomplish 

His purpose.” 

Not only was Kendra right, but her 

words also gave me a sense of peace. 

It wasn’t about me. I’d bought into 

the idea that I was born for this, that 

this was my big shot. But my life was 

not in the hands of the “American 

Idol” judges—Simon Cowell, Randy 

Jackson and Paula Abdul. My life was 

not in the hands of the millions of 

viewers—voters!—tuning in at home. 

My life was in the hands of a loving 

heavenly Father who was fully capable 

of giving me supernatural singing 

abilities if He chose to do so. He was 

also capable of extending my run for 

no other reason than to use my “Idol” 

experience for His glory. 

A timely connection 

I know that He did use me. I received 

countless messages from fans telling 

me how one performance or another 

moved them in some way. But my 

favorite message had very little to do 

with me. 

The woman who wrote to me was a 

Navy wife. She and her husband were 

on the brink of divorce, and one of the 

few times the two of them were in the 

same room together, they were watching 

“American Idol.” Since I was also in 

the Navy at the time, she was rooting 

for me. Unfortunately, this particular 

episode was not one of my best 

moments. It was actually quite terrible. 

She recalled how Simon Cowell 

was dumbfounded by my whole 

performance. 

That’s when a camera focused on a 

woman in the audience. Kendra has 

a beautiful smile, and apparently she 

was beaming as she made eye contact 

with me from the crowd. The image 

cut back to me, but I wasn’t looking 

at Simon while he delivered his 

critique. Instead, I was staring right 

at Kendra, which brought a smile to 

my face as well. 

The Navy wife described feeling an 

overwhelming presence of love. She 

began to cry. Later that night, having 

looked me up online, she discovered 

I was a part-time worship leader. 

Strangely, it was her husband who 

first commented on the connection 

they’d witnessed between Kendra 

and me that night. That special connection, 

she told her husband, was 


PHI L W I TH 

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because we had put God first in our 

relationship. After a conversation 

about how badly they both wanted 

their marriage to work, the couple 

made the decision to seek out a 

Christian counselor and give it one 

more try. 

God’s strength in 

weakness 

She ended by telling me that they 

had both committed their lives to 

Christ and were now attending a 

church close to their home. She said 

their marriage was reborn as they 

actively pursued a love built not on 

selfishness but on a foundation of 

faith. At the time, I was probably 

more concerned about my lackluster 

singing, but God had done 

something special with that couple. 

God can create beauty from ashes, 

whether it’s a poor performance on 

“American Idol” or a rough few years 

in a dying marriage. He can work all 

things together for our good. 

That woman’s message moved me 

immensely. Even when I’m at my 

worst, God is still able to use me! How 

liberating is that? It takes the pressure 

of a perfect performance off my 

shoulders. My purpose isn’t to entertain 

people or somehow manipulate 

them through the power of my vocal 

prowess. It’s to bring glory to God. 

I’m not a singer; I’m a worshiper. 

When I place what little I have in 

God’s hands, He takes it and blesses 

it and uses it far beyond my wildest 

expectations. And He can do the 

same for you. • 

This article was adapted from Made to 

Worship: Empty idols and the fullness of God, 

a <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family resource published by 

Tyndale House Publishers. 

PRE-ORDER 

FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 

Discover Phil Stacey’s journey 

through “American Idol” in his new 

book, Made to Worship: Empty 

idols and the fullness of God. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Store 

DENISE TRUSCELLO / WIREIMAGE VIA GETTY IMAGES

COMMUNICATION / COUPLES 

Be intentional 

about sharing 

your unspoken 

hopes and desires 

BY MARI JO MAST 

ILLUSTRATION BY 

JYOTIRMAYEE PATRA 

MY HUSBAND, KIM, AND I 

married in our early 20s. Our expectations 

of each other were few. We 

were wide-eyed at the wonder and 

excitement of our brand-new adventure 

together. 

A year later I gave birth to our 

first baby boy. And with him came 

responsibilities not fully imagined or 

talked out beforehand. In those early 

years, I found it difficult to express 

how I felt—until resentment poured 

out of me unexpectedly because of 

unspoken expectations. 

Words not spoken 

I still remember our first weeklong 

vacation at Myrtle Beach, South 

Carolina, with our 10-month-old 

baby in tow. As I thought about the 

beach, I longed to see the gentle 

waves and hear seagulls squawking 

in the distance. I assumed my 

husband would entertain our busy 

toddler while I relaxed. It was a heavenly 

plan, one I’d already worked out 

in my imagination. 

I laugh now as I think about my 

naivete. I hadn’t relayed my plans to 

Kim, so our time away turned into a 

stressful, dreary disappointment. My 

unmet expectations led to an ugly 

exchange of words and hurt feelings. 

But I learned then, and many times 

after, that unhealthy expectations 

often result in frustration and misplaced 

anger. 

A new approach 

Twenty-eight years and seven children 

later, my husband and I now 

share our expectations and draw 

inspiration from Philippians 2:3-4 

when opening up about our expectations. 

Speaking up feels empowering. 

We’ve learned to listen to what is 

important to each other. 

Doing this takes intentionality as 

we discuss day-to-day happenings 

and upcoming events. Then we transition 

to our expectations of each 

other in relation to those events. 

A satisfying give-and-take builds 

between us. Revealing our thoughts 

exposes intentions and relieves 

potential future strife. 

God has done a deep work in my 

heart. I used to think it was selfish 

to uncover my feelings, but I’ve come 

to understand the opposite is true. It’s 

toxic not to share what’s on my heart 

in a healthy way. My husband can’t 

read my thoughts. So saying them out 

loud helps us assess them together. It 

requires a continual collaboration of 

selflessness and teamwork, but the 

benefit is a shared vision. • 

Mari Jo Mast is a co-author and contributor at 

Help Club for Moms, a ministry for moms with 

kids of all ages. 

LISTEN NOW! 

Tune in as Mari Jo Mast, 

Deb Weakly and Krystle Porter 

discuss the unique challenges 

of motherhood, offering 

insights on marriage and a 

dependence on God. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio 


COUPLES / SHARED RESPONSIBILITY 

you’re lovers 

and friends . . 

Building a strong partnership in your 

marriage is key to a healthy relationship 

BY KEVIN A. THOMPSON / ILLUSTRATIONS BY ELENI DEBO 

ELIZABETH’S COM- 

PLAINTS WERE PRETTY 

COMMON. In fact, I’d heard 

them before from countless couples 

over my 20 years in ministry. Seth was 

a good guy—kind, decent and compassionate. 

But he was failing to pull 

his weight at home, and Elizabeth 

was tired of it. Seth, meanwhile, was 

generally apathetic about failing 

to contribute to the household’s 

well-being. 

Elizabeth felt justified in her frustrations, 

and while Seth deserved 

plenty of blame, I reminded Elizabeth 

that her behaviors indicated that she 

was treating her husband like a child 

and not a partner—and that was just 

as wrong. She was not his mother. 

When two people say, “I do,” they 

promise to be their spouse’s friend, 

partner and lover. When any of those 

roles suffer, the overall relationship 

struggles. When all three flourish, 

the relationship thrives. In Elizabeth 

and Seth’s marriage, their partnership 

had faltered. Here’s how to 

build a stronger partnership in your 

marriage so that both you and your 

spouse feel supported. 

16 



SHARED RESPONSIBILITY / COUPLES 

. but are 

you partners? 

Having each other’s backs 

I’ve spoken with many couples before 

officiating their weddings, and the 

majority understand the importance 

of friendship in marriage. Most are 

marrying their best friend. The same 

holds true for intimacy: Couples 

know that sex plays a vital role in 

marriage. Yet when I talk about the 

importance of partnership, they look 

at me as though I’m offering advice 

from the Middle Ages, when marriages 

were arranged to strengthen 

kingdoms or transfer land. 

True partners have each other’s 

backs. Being in a healthy marriage 

is like having eyes in the back of our 

heads—our vision increases. I can 

scan the horizon 180 degrees, looking 

for potential threats and opportunities, 

while my wife scans the other 

180 degrees for the same. 

I realize that partnership can sound 

cold, like the relationship between 

accountants or lawyers. Younger couples 

usually view it as a necessary 

aspect of their marriage—bills must 

be paid; kids must be raised—not as 

an element that can give added life to 

their relationship. But two decades 

into my own marriage, I’ve learned 

that the partnership aspect isn’t cold 

at all. To my surprise, it’s one of marriage’s 

greatest benefits. 

When a relationship 

isn’t all it could be 

Yet when a marriage goes wrong, the 

threat of being stabbed in the back 

replaces the security that comes 

from knowing someone is watching 

out for you. There are few things 

worse than distrust between husband 

and wife—when neither can 

look to the future because both are 

busy looking over their shoulders. 

Simon and Allison were two energetic, 

successful people. They’re smart, 


COUPLES / SHARED RESPONSIBILITY 

involved parents who wanted what’s 

best for their children. From the outside, 

they appeared to juggle their 

careers and families with great skill. But 

on the inside, something was wrong. 

Unlike Seth and Elizabeth, Simon 

and Allison were fully engaged 

regarding household duties. Their 

relationship was not a parent-child 

dynamic. But it also wasn’t a healthy 

marriage. Both felt alone, overwhelmed 

and stressed. Most people 

long for a spouse who works hard, 

yet Allison and Simon didn’t benefit 

from each other’s work ethic because 

they weren’t working together. 

Partnerships typically go wrong in 

one of two primary ways: In the case 

of Elizabeth and Seth, Seth was failing 

to do his part, and Elizabeth felt 

the need to take control of the relationship. 

As a result, their marriage 

shifted to a parent-child dynamic. 

In Simon and Allison’s marriage, 

however, both spouses worked hard, 

yet they weren’t moving toward a 

common goal. Each was so focused 

on his or her own responsibilities 

that neither one considered how 

each might lighten the other’s load. 

When a partnership goes wrong, 

one or both spouses can feel as if 

they’re bearing all the weight of the 

relationship without any support. 

Partnership is about “partaking” in 

the relationship. When a partnership 

is working well, the whole is greater 

than the sum of its individuals. 

A healthy partnership 

I do ears; my wife does teeth. I have 

no clue how we ended up with this 

arrangement, but it’s what we do. 

Whenever there is a dental appointment, 

Jenny takes our kids. Whenever 

our daughter, who has Down syndrome, 

needs her ears cleaned, I take 

her to the doctor. No discussion. It just 

happens. Sure, there’s the rare occasion 

when we have to switch, but this 

is our typical routine. 

In a healthy marriage, both spouses 

are fully invested. That includes parenting 

and family; finances and the 

future; hobbies, hopes and dreams; 

ears and teeth. Husband and wife, 

of course, do not perform precisely 

equal work in every area. Whether 

through negotiation or happenstance, 

spouses will take the lead in different 

areas and fully support each other. 

When a partnership goes right, both 

husband and wife feel supported and 

loved. Life is certainly hard sometimes, 

but it’s even harder when we have 

nowhere to turn for help. In a healthy 

marriage, there’s not only somewhere 

to turn, but there’s also someone to 

turn to. For example, I know that if I 

have an emergency at work, Jenny can 

handle the family responsibilities. And 

she knows she can count on me in the 

same way. A tremendous emotional 

weight is lifted when either one of us 

can handle what needs to be done. 

Become better partners 

To foster better partnership in your 

marriage, consider these actions: 

Deepen your respect. Friendship 

is built on trust; partnership is built on 

respect. When you and your spouse 

respect each other, you also listen to 

each other. Without respect, a strong 

partnership is nearly impossible. 

Take personal responsibility. To 

be a good marriage partner, do your 

part. Helping your spouse (and the 

rest of your family) begins with taking 

personal responsibility for your 

role in the relationship. 

See your spouse. This begins with 

understanding your partner’s concerns, 

stressors, dreams and even his 

or her daily schedule. What’s going on 

in your spouse’s life? At a minimum, 

18 



Patnes 

— in life and love — 

LISTEN NOW! 

Tune in as Kevin A. Thompson discusses ways to 

embrace your role as a spouse. 


figure out a way to provide emotional support each 

day, but also try to alleviate at least one stress or 

responsibility. The easiest way to do this is to ask, 

“What’s one way I can help you today?” 

Discuss the bigger picture regularly. Partnership 

happens in the day to day of life, but if that’s all 

it’s about, you’re missing out on the good stuff. 

Partnership is also about bucket lists, hopes and 

goals, the life you want to create together. Make time 

on a regular basis to explore each other’s dreams and 

take concrete steps toward making them happen. 

A surprising gift 

Twenty years into our marriage, Jenny is my best 

friend, the one who understands and loves me like 

no other human being. Yet she’s also my partner— 

the one who pushes me to achieve my dreams. And 

I’m the one who seeks out the desires of her heart 

and tries to make them come true. That’s one of the 

most surprising gifts in a good marriage. 

It’s been a long time since Elizabeth and Seth sat 

in my office. To be honest, I didn’t think they were 

going to make it. Transitioning from an unhealthy 

parent-child dynamic to a healthy marriage is 

difficult. But they did it. 

Seth grew up. He recognized that he wasn’t 

acting like a man. He began to take responsibility, 

both for himself and for his marriage. Elizabeth 

adjusted as well. She stopped playing the role of 

Seth’s parent and allowed her husband to experience 

the consequences of his decisions while also 

giving him space to meet his responsibilities. Their 

marriage isn’t perfect, but their relationship is 

much improved. They’ve learned what it means to 

be partners. • 

Kevin A. Thompson is an author and pastor in Fort Smith, 

Arkansas. His latest book is Fearless Families: Building brave 

homes in an uncertain world. 

Resources 

for your 

marriage 

Order online at 

Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca 

or call 1.800.661.9800 


COUPLES / HEALING 

no more secrets 

How to deal with a past abortion in marriage 

BY HEATHER DRABINSKY 

ANALIESE’S* STOMACH CHURNED at the thought of revealing her secret to Jon. 

Years earlier, she’d had an abortion but didn’t tell him while they dated. Once they were married, 

she worried that he would stop loving her if he found out. But the secret weighed on Analiese, and 

eventually she shared her story. To her astonishment, Jon responded with compassion. 

Since then, they’ve walked through a journey of healing. Here are some of their insights: 

Bring it into the light 

If you’ve had a past abortion, tell your 

spouse. Yes, it’s frightening. It’s uncomfortable. 

The fear of rejection and 

judgment is present. But to cultivate true 

intimacy in marriage, bring that secret 

into the open (1 John 1:7) so the wound 

doesn’t continue to fester. 

Be kind and sensitive 

If your spouse reveals a past abortion, listen 

with love and empathy, without giving a critical 

response. Offer grace. Analiese says that marital 

trust can be damaged when one spouse responds 

with judgment or condemnation after the other 

spouse has shared his or her heart about a 

painful experience. 

Share the grief 

Grieve as a couple—even when the 

spouse wasn’t part of the decision. Don’t 

pretend grief doesn’t exist or avoid the 

topic altogether. The grieving process 

may include periodically talking about 

the experience or creating a place of 

remembrance for the child. Seeing a 

counselor together also helps. 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada 

offers a one-time, complimentary 

consultation from a Christian 

perspective for those suffering 

from a past abortion. To reach 

one of our registered counselors, 

call 1-800-661-9800 weekdays 

between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. 

Pacific time. 

Heal together 

The key to receiving healing, Analiese says, is to 

know that you’re loved. Jon has added to the healing 

process by keeping in mind the time of year 

when the abortion occurred, as well as the approximate 

birthday of the baby. “Spiritually, I feel like 

the adopted father of the baby because Analiese is 

my wife,” he explains. 

“Abortion is not an unforgivable sin,” Analiese 

says. “God wants to hold you while you grieve 

and breathe new life into you and your marriage.” 

She is glad she didn’t continue to walk this 

path alone. • 

*Names have been changed. 

Heather Drabinsky is a content producer in the Marriage 

Department at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

SUWI19 / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

20 



Faith & Inspiration 

‘let’s make a plan’ 

A spiritual insight from <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family leadership 

BY ROBYN CHAMBERS 

DJERO ADLIBESHE / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG 

WOMAN, I experienced an unexpected 

pregnancy and shared the 

news with my mom. Though she was 

surprised and saddened, her first 

words were “Let’s make a plan.” Let’s 

means “let us.” I knew we were in it 

together, and that gave me hope. My 

decision to choose life was immediate. 

I was blessed to be supported by 

the baby’s father, too. (We have now 

been married for 42 years.) 

I realize that my story could have 

turned out very differently. Many 

post-abortive women lament the 

lack of support they received. At the 

time, they felt as though abortion 

was their only option. 

Imagine if “we,” the people in 

the church, were the first people 

women turned to when faced with 

an unexpected pregnancy—just as 

in Luke 1:41-44, when Mary went to 

see Elizabeth. I imagine Mary was 

struggling with her unexpected (not 

unplanned in God’s eyes) pregnancy, 

yet Elizabeth rejoiced: “When 

Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, 

the baby leaped in her womb. And 

Elizabeth was filled with the Holy 

Spirit, and she exclaimed with a loud 

cry, ‘Blessed are you among women, 

and blessed is the fruit of your 

womb! And why is this granted to me 

that the mother of my Lord should 

come to me? For behold, when the 

sound of your greeting came to my 

ears, the baby in my womb leaped 

for joy.’ ” 

Every child is a gift from the Lord. 

That’s why I, along with everyone at 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family, am committed 

to responding with joy toward 

women facing an unexpected pregnancy. 

I want to be the person who 

says, “Let’s make a plan.” • 

Robyn Chambers is the executive director of 

Advocacy for Children at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

Her team helps children in foster care find 

forever homes and serves pregnancy resource 

centers to reach women in unexpected 

pregnancies and help them choose life. 


DES 

AWA 

Destarra and Patrick with (from 

left) Jeffrey, Pasqual, Khylii, Patrick 

and Khaliya 

SUKHYUN / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

22 



TRUTH REVEALED / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

TARRA’S 

KENING 

She was young and naive, stuck 

in a vicious cycle of unplanned 

pregnancies and clinic visits. 

She needed to hear the truth 

BY THOMAS JEFFRIES 

PHOTOS BY KIRILL & LENA SAMUSENKO 

THE STAFF OFFERED 

BAKED GOODS and freshsqueezed 

lemonade at the clinic. 

Everyone did everything they could to 

make Destarra feel comfortable. It was 

hot outside, and the cool lemonade 

was refreshing. They tried to distract 

her from the pain and the bleeding. 

Destarra was 15 at the time. She 

didn’t know what an abortion was— 

or understand what was happening 

to her. All she knew was that she was 

at track practice after school when 

she started feeling dizzy. Destarra 

attributed it to the California heat, 

so she finished stretching and 

started to run. 

She took one step and hit the ground. 

Someone called her mother to say 

her daughter had fainted, and that 

afternoon a doctor delivered the news. 

Destarra wasn’t dizzy from the heat. 

“I was pregnant, carrying a baby,” 

she says. “[But] I was still a baby.” >>> 


Khaliya, Destarra and Khylii 

Patrick and Destarra 

A SIMPLE 

PROCEDURE? 

Destarra’s first thought wasn’t surprise or fear. It 

was anticipation. 

“In my head I was excited,” she says, “and ready to 

tackle being a mommy at 15.” 

The decision, however, was already made for her. 

Destarra was young, she was an athlete and her 

pregnancy was a potential embarrassment for her 

parents. She would have an abortion—end of story. 

The clinic members, Destarra says, were friendly 

and welcoming. They smiled a lot and asked tons 

of questions—questions the naive teen wasn’t sure 

how to answer. 

Apparently she told them what they needed to 

hear. Destarra had no idea how far along she was. 

The workers told her she had a little blob of tissue 

that needed to be removed. A tiny bean. 

“They [said], ‘We’re just going to terminate 

the pregnancy.’ ” 

Unsure what those words meant, Destarra 

replied, “OK.” 

Her mom took her to the clinic and filled out the 

paperwork; Dad never really knew what was going 

on. A staff member escorted Destarra to the back of 

the clinic, to an examination room. 

“Take off your clothes and put on this gown,” the 

clinic worker told her. 

Though Destarra didn’t recognize what was 

happening at the time, someone performed an 

ultrasound. Destarra never saw the monitor— 

and never asked to. 

“We’ll remove the tissue and there will be some 

bleeding, but you’ll be fine,” someone else told her. 

“Then, in a week or so, you can go back to school and 

continue the activities you were doing before. Now, 

just start counting down from 30. . . .” 

“I don’t know how far I made it,” Destarra says. 

“And when I woke up, I didn’t feel too good. I was 

throwing up.” 

The nice clinic workers gave her lemonade and 

crackers, and her mother was waiting at the door. They 

spent the next few nights in a hotel room, Destarra 

says, speaking little of what had just happened. Two 

weeks later Destarra was still feeling sick and was still 

bleeding. She was told that her experience was normal, 

that her body was “working to get back on track.” 

And that was that. No one mentioned another word 

about her pregnancy. Nothing about sex ed or birth 

control or waiting for marriage. Nothing. 


24 



TRUTH REVEALED / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

canadian children are 

A REPEAT VISIT 

At 19 Destarra was pregnant again. This time she 

understood what was happening. She remembered 

the place her mother had taken her and the workers 

who promised to keep her secrets. Completely confidential, 

they said. 

By her third pregnancy Destarra had the drill 

down pat. No matter the clinic, there were always 

saltines and smiles. “You made the right decision.” 

“We’ll help you.” “It’s just a blob of tissue and some 

mucus.” She’d heard it all before, stuck in a cycle she 

couldn’t escape. 

Her best friend, Nakendra, recalls how she convinced 

Destarra to talk to the father of her child. It 

didn’t go well. 

“She told him what was going on, and he advised 

her to get an abortion,” Nakendra says. “Destarra 

was hurt, but she made up her mind that it was 

something she should do because he didn’t agree 

with keeping the baby. He even gave her money for 

it. She was still young, and she cried afterward.” 

After her third abortion, Destarra learned she was 

pregnant again. She steeled herself for another clinic 

visit, but something was different this time. She felt 

angry and guilty though she didn’t know why. 

Destarra decided to pass on the lemonade. She 

gave birth to a daughter and named her Khaliya. 

THE MAN 

UPSTAIRS 

Destarra always knew a little about Jesus. Her father 

told her about “the Man Upstairs,” and her family 

went to church most Sundays. In young Destarra’s 

mind, as long as she was in church on Sunday, she 

was fine for the rest of the week. 

But older Destarra wasn’t always fine. She was 

sweet and outgoing, someone people loved to be 

around, Nakendra says. But those qualities were 

part of Destarra’s problem. 

Yes, Destarra made some mistakes in her relationships, 

but she never forgot about the Man Upstairs. 

“I started to know more about Jesus,” she says, 

“but I was still not told the truth about abortion, so 

I continued believing it wasn’t bad.” 

Destarra says she had four abortions in all, yet 

Thousands of children and youth in government care 

are waiting to belong to a family. Many of these children 

come from hard places, but are desperate to be loved. 

We want to help these children find families, because 

we believe that every child longing for a family is a 

precious gift from God. 

what can you do? 

Visit WaitingToBelong.ca to: 

• Explore whether adoption is for you. 

• Find links to government adoption agencies in Canada. 

• Discover resources for adoptive families. 

• Learn how you can help and support adoptive families. 


FAITH & INSPIRATION / TRUTH REVEALED 

admits she has trouble recalling the particulars. But 

she will never forget what she saw during one. 

As the abortion got underway, the clinic worker 

neglected to turn the monitor away, or may have left 

it facing her direction on purpose—Destarra can’t 

say for sure. But on the screen she noticed something 

. . . moving. 

“I saw this baby playing with his or her fingers,” 

she says, “and it scared me. It felt like my heart 

dropped to the floor. 

“I began to question myself while lying on the 

table. What am I doing? How are they taking this 

baby out? What are they doing with the baby? I 

wanted to run out of that facility, knocking down 

any and everything I passed. Sadly, I stayed.” 

The staffer noticed Destarra staring at the screen, 

and she intentionally turned the monitor around. 

Then she unplugged it. 

Maybe I’m hallucinating, Destarra thought. Maybe 

I just saw something that wasn’t there. Maybe, but 

probably not. She knew exactly what she had 

seen. It was the first time she could tell for certain, 

Destarra says, that what was inside her was far 

more than a blob of tissue or a tiny bean. 

THE IMAGE 

ON THE 

SCREEN 

Destarra had never before heard the term pro-life. 

She certainly didn’t know it was a movement. No one 

ever told her that every human being—mother or 

child, aged or preborn, able or disabled—has dignity 

and is deserving of protection. She only knew that 

her abortions were in her past. 

She was wrong. 

It’s true that she would never again visit a clinic, 

never again eat the crackers and smell the disinfectant. 

But while her procedures were over, her 

dreams were just beginning. Destarra started having 

bad ones—horrible nightmares filled with 

wailing babies. Just hearing Khaliya cry upset her. 

And she couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d 

seen on that clinic monitor. 

She eventually got pregnant again and gave birth 

to another daughter. Then a son. She kept having 

dreams, too, and not just about babies. One night 

she pictured herself in a small white church, a place 

that felt extremely familiar. The building seemed an 

awful lot like one her family had attended when she 

was younger. 

“I called my mother,” Destarra says, “and asked her if 

she remembered how to get to that little white church.” 

Eventually, Destarra moved home and found that 

building. She found faith there. And she found Jesus. 

STARTING 

A NEW LIFE 

In 2015 Destarra met the man who would become 

her husband. Patrick had regrets of his own, and 

the pair spent months just talking about God and 

life—two damaged people working to establish a 

healthy relationship. 

Destarra had recently relocated to Texas; Patrick 

was in Oklahoma. When they were introduced, he 

says, Destarra was in transition, moving on from 

her old life and growing in her new one. 

“She told me she was a single mother with three 

kids and that she didn’t have any [extra] money,” 

Patrick recalls. “I laughed because that was the furthest 

thing from my mind, but I thought it was the 

most genuine thing I’d heard. Her transparency 

was one of the characteristics I’ve always loved.” 

They married in 2017, and a year later had their 

first child together, Patrick’s namesake. That’s when 

Destarra told her husband about the abortions. She 

thanked God that she was still able to give birth, 

and she rejoiced in being a mother again. Patrick 

could see how difficult it was for Destarra to revisit 

the past, so he mostly just listened and loved her. 

The radio played constantly in their home, never 

more so than when Destarra was doing laundry. 

One day the dial was tuned to a program called 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

“I heard about the pro-life movement on <strong>Focus</strong> on 

the Family,” Destarra says. “When I first heard the 

discussions, I thought to myself, What does pro-life 

mean? Why are these people talking about abortion? 

I began to understand that the guests were sharing 

their testimonies to help others heal.” 

26 



Jeffrey, Khylii, Destarra holding Pasqual, 

Khaliya, and Patrick holding Patrick 


AN 

ENCOUNTER 

WITH GOD 

It was Patrick’s suggestion to attend the 2019 

March for Life. Destarra learned about it on the 

<strong>Focus</strong> broadcast and had no idea that people even 

marched for life. Patrick and Destarra ended up 

bringing the whole family, piling everyone into a 

friend’s RV for the long drive to Washington, D.C. 

Destarra says she lost count of how many people 

welcomed them at the march and thanked them for 

coming. She was having a great time—until she saw 

pictures of babies on the giant screens and heard an 

abortion survivor share her story. 

Destarra listened until she couldn’t focus anymore 

or process what she was seeing and hearing. 

The story of this woman—an abortion survivor 

—awakened something deep inside Destarra, and 

the memories snuck up on her until she unraveled 

on the streets of the nation’s capital. She wept like 

never before, her forehead on the ground. Every 

part of her hurt—mind, body and spirit. 

“My kids couldn’t understand what was taking 

place, and neither could I. It was just me and 

God,” she says. “People surrounded me to help me, 

and a lady prayed for me and with me. I was sickened 

about my past abortions, but in that moment 

I knew more was happening. I was having a real 

encounter with God. He forgave me.” 

She still weeps sometimes, but she adores being 

a mother. She and Patrick now have another son, 

and she has started working as a doula. One of 

her favorite parts of the job is being there when an 

ultrasound is performed. For Destarra, it’s always a 

thrill as parents get to hear their baby’s heartbeat— 

the music of life—for themselves. 

Destarra no longer minds the sound of babies 

crying. Nowadays it’s a soothing sound, she says, 

because she is there to catch their tears, to hold the 

babies and help them. She wants others, particularly 

young mothers, to hear about her story, to learn from 

her experience and find the same radio program that 

changed her life. 

“If I’d had this teaching when I was a young 

woman,” she says, “there would have been a different 

outcome.” • 


FAITH & INSPIRATION / TRUTH REVEALED 

Bringing Biblical Truth 

to a Broken Culture 

video series 

We live in a society that’s often at odds with biblical truth, and it’s not always 

clear how to share the gospel in a way that’s meaningful to others around us. 

Like many people, you may be wondering How can I make a difference? 

Join renowned Bible teacher and historian Ray Vander Laan for 

a free, five-part video series that helps answer that question! Ray 

will take you back to the first century to look at how the apostle 

Paul shared God’s truth in the midst of a pagan culture. 

You can play a vital role in sharing the love of Christ with others. 

Let Ray show you how! 

SIGN UP TODAY! 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/BrokenCulture

EVANGELISM / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

whole person 

evangelism 

Caring for body, mind and soul 

BY SUBBY SZTERSZKY 

BRIMSTONE CREATIVE / LIGHTSTOCK; (TEXTURE) ARTULINA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

“ALL AUTHORITY IN HEAVEN 

AND ON EARTH HAS BEEN 

GIVEN TO ME. Go therefore and make 

disciples of all nations, baptizing them in 

the name of the Father and of the Son and 

of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe 

all that I have commanded you. And behold, 

I am with you always, to the end of the age.” 

(Matthew 28:18-20) 

This side of the Great Commission, followers 

of Jesus understand that to follow 

our Lord means to make Him known. We 

have the pleasure and privilege of being His 

representatives, declaring His kingdom and 

sharing His grace with a broken world. 

How best to do that, however, remains 

a matter of debate among believers. There 

are those who feel an urgent need to inject 

a Gospel message into every conversation 

where possible, focusing primarily on saving 

souls, but with relatively little regard for 

the person’s physical, mental and emotional 

needs. Others believe it’s enough to follow 

Christ’s example by caring for people with 

practical acts of kindness and love, in hopes 

of attracting them to Jesus without words. 

Both approaches contain an element of 

truth, but are also deficient, looking only at 

part of the picture. They miss the broader 

implications of the Gospel, the wider scope 

of the redemption that God is working out 

through His Son. >>> 


FAITH & INSPIRATION / EVANGELISM 

The Creation Mandate 

Long before the Great Commission, 

God created humanity, men and 

women, in His own image. This did 

not mean they were spirits encased 

in bodies that didn’t matter, living 

in a physical world that didn’t matter. 

Their whole person—body, mind 

and soul—was perfectly integrated 

and reflected God’s glory. They were 

the capstone of His good and beautiful 

created order, both physical and 

spiritual. 

God gave our first parents a commission 

of their own, known as the 

Creation or Cultural Mandate, which 

extends to all of their descendants. 

They were to be His representatives, 

exercising wise authority over His 

creation, caring for it and harnessing 

it for benefit and for beauty, to His 

glory. God values everything in His 

creation and we are to do likewise. 

As God’s image bearers, humans 

were created for relationship with God 

and with each other. The three persons 

of the Trinity, Father, Son and Holy 

Spirit, have existed forever in perfect 

loving unity, and human beings were 

designed to reflect that. We were made 

to love and to be loved. Everything 

we do—from planting crops to building 

cities to healing bodies to teaching 

about God—is to be done in the context 

of appropriate loving relationship. 

God’s care for a broken 

world 

Just as the whole person was created 

to reflect the image of God, so the 

whole person was broken by the fall 

of humanity. Every human faculty— 

body, spirit, intellect, will, emotion, 

relationship—became corrupted by 

sin. This wasn’t just brokenness but 

rebellion against God and thus also 

moral guilt before Him. As a result, 

suffering, cruelty, disease and death 

entered the world and distorted the 

original goodness of creation. 

The fallen nature of humanity led 

to a variety of ancient beliefs that 

saw the spiritual world as pure and 

perfect while the physical world was 

irredeemably defiled. The goal of life 

was to free the soul from the corrupting 

influence of the body, to live in 

some heightened state or an incorporeal 

afterlife. 

This dualistic view, in which the 

spiritual is good and the physical is 

evil, was developed in the thinking of 

Plato and other Greek philosophers 

and became the framework for the 

early Gnostic heresies. Sadly, it has 

also influenced how some Christians 

understand the world and how they 

approach evangelism. 

However, the view from Scripture 

is far different. The entire creation, 

physical as well as spiritual, has been 

tainted by the fall. Nevertheless, God 

continues to care for this broken 

creation with its broken humanity. 

He doesn’t whisk souls out of 

an evil world, but instead calls people 

to do justice, love kindness and 

walk humbly with God. Throughout 

the Old Testament, God frames His 

promises of blessing in physical 

terms—food and drink, music and 

laughter, healed bodies and healed 

relationships. 

The Word made flesh, full 

of grace and truth 

From the beginning, God purposed 

to redeem and restore His whole creation, 

a plan that was initiated and 

will be consummated through the 

incarnation of His Son. The physical 

world mattered to God so much that 

He entered it by becoming a human 

being. This wasn’t a pretense or illusion, 

as some strains of Gnosticism 

claimed. The Son of God, the second 

person of the Trinity, was born of a 

woman as Jesus of Nazareth, with a 

real human body and human mind 

that needed to learn and grow, all 

the while remaining fully God. He 

experienced every temptation we do, 

and yet never sinned. 

Jesus began His public ministry by 

declaring that the Kingdom of God 

had arrived and commanded people 

30 



EVANGELISM / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

Everything we do—from planting 

crops to building cities to healing 

bodies to teaching about God— 

is to be done in the context of 

appropriate loving relationship. 

CHRISTINA / LIGHTSTOCK 

to repent and believe the good news. 

He taught about God in synagogues 

and public spaces and attracted disciples—not 

just the Twelve, but a 

larger group of men and women— 

to be in relationship with Him and 

learn from Him. He attended weddings 

and dinner parties, and 

welcomed those whom society 

rejected or dismissed: the sick, the 

poor, the social pariahs, foreigners, 

women. He fed them, healed their 

bodies and minds, forgave their sins, 

gave their souls hope, raised them 

from the dead. 

At the cross, Jesus fulfilled the purpose 

for which He’d been sent and 

which God had planned since before 

Creation. The sinless Son of God 

bore the sins of the world and purchased 

redemption—not just for the 

souls of those who believe in Him, 

but for their bodies as well, and for 

the creation itself. To demonstrate 

that the mission was accomplished, 

He then rose from the dead on the 

third day. 

The Resurrection was scandalous 

to the Jews and nonsense to the 

Greeks. Some factions of Judaism 

did believe in a resurrection at the 

end of time, while others did not, but 

in either case, resurrection in the 

present world was unthinkable. For 

the Greeks, steeped in their dualistic 

philosophy of body and spirit, the 

whole point was to be free from the 

limitations and corruptions of the 

body. Who would want it back? 

Nevertheless, Jesus did rise from 

the dead with a physical yet glorified 

body, the precursor of a new creation. 

Far from escaping the physical 

world, He has forever bound Himself 

to a body that still bears the scars of 

His wounds, mementos of His loving 

act to save His people from their 

sins. Rather than discarding our bodies, 

He will raise and perfect them 

to be like His own, so that we can 

fully enjoy His presence for all eternity. 

God is redeeming whole people, 

body, mind and soul, and our evangelistic 

efforts need to reflect that. 

Before returning to heaven, Jesus 

commissioned His followers to teach 

everything He had taught them, to 

testify to His resurrection and to proclaim 

repentance for the forgiveness 

of sins in His name. That’s a verbal 

message with specific content, and 

no amount of wordless evangelism 

can substitute for it. As the Apostle 

Paul wrote, faith comes from hearing, 

and hearing through the word of 

Christ. 

At the same time, that verbal 

message cannot and must not be 

divorced from practical acts of kindness 

and compassion—providing for 

the poor, feeding the hungry, healing 

the sick, seeking justice for the 

oppressed. God commanded it in 

the Old Testament, Jesus modeled 

it in the New, and the Church practiced 

it from its earliest days. Caring 

for people in the context of appropriate 

loving relationship is integral to 

genuine evangelism and may, in fact, 

draw them to be open to the Gospel 

message. 

Planting, watering and 

trusting God 

The Book of Acts records the birth 

and growth of the Church through 

its first few decades as the Gospel 

spread from Jerusalem into Palestine 

and across the Greco-Roman world. 

What’s remarkable about these evangelistic 

accounts is their diversity. 

The core message remained consistent, 

but it was framed in a variety of 

ways, sensitive to the personal, cultural 

and religious context of the 

hearers. Some conversions were 

quick and dramatic, others the result 

of extended periods of teaching. 

All of these efforts, however, were 


FAITH & INSPIRATION / EVANGELISM 

BIBLICAL TRUTH IN A 

BROKEN CULTURE 

In this free, five-part video series, 

renowned Bible teacher Ray 

Vander Laan looks to the first 

century and the apostle Paul for 

guidance on how believers today 

can shine the light of Christ to 

those around them. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/ 

BrokenCulture 

fueled by prayer and relied on guidance 

from the Holy Spirit. In some 

instances, God arranged specific 

appointments, leading Peter to 

Cornelius and Philip to the Ethiopian 

eunuch. When Paul was at Corinth, 

the Lord encouraged him to stay the 

course because He had many people 

in that city. On another occasion, 

the Holy Spirit kept Paul and his 

team from going into various regions 

of Asia Minor, leading them instead 

into Macedonia and Greece. 

The apostles and evangelists 

understood that the power and 

responsibility to save people rested 

with God, and God alone. They were 

merely to be faithful emissaries of 

the good news, leaving the results to 

their Sovereign Lord. As Paul later 

explained to the church at Corinth, 

when it comes to spiritual formation, 

one person plants and another 

waters, but God is the one who 

makes things grow. 

The principle remains the same 

today. On certain occasions, it may be 

necessary to speak up promptly and 

forcefully. But most of the time, evangelism 

is more like planting seeds and 

watering a garden. We build relationships 

and friendships with people, 

earning their trust. We address their 

needs and listen to their stories with 

compassion and respect. We pray for 

them and we care for their whole person, 

physical, mental, emotional and 

spiritual. And at the right moments, 

as the Holy Spirit leads, we share the 

good news about Jesus with them, 

trusting our Sovereign God to accomplish 

His perfect will in their lives. 

All things made new 

Near the end of the Book of 

Revelation, God declares that He is 

making all things new. He offers tantalizing 

glimpses of this renewed 

creation, which He calls the New 

Heavens and the New Earth. The New 

Jerusalem will be in it, a beautiful 

shining city of transparent gold, with 

a river of crystal-clear water flowing 

through it and a variety of fruit trees 

lining its boulevards. God Himself will 

be directly present with His people, 

wiping away all of their tears so that 

suffering, sorrow and death will no 

longer be remembered. 

Life in this new creation is variously 

described as a wedding feast, a banquet 

of delicious food and fine wine, 

and a palatial estate with many rooms, 

prepared by Jesus for each of His followers. 

In our glorified bodies, free 

of sin and pain and decay, we will be 

with the Lord forever, sharing His love 

and that of our redeemed brothers 

and sisters through all eternity. 

From beginning to end, God created 

and redeemed us as whole 

people, body, mind and soul. It makes 

little sense, then, for our evangelistic 

efforts to focus only on the soul and 

downplay the mind and body. If we’re 

to follow the teaching and example 

of our Lord, we will care for all three. 

We’ll share the good news of the grace 

and hope we have in Jesus, but we’ll 

also demonstrate it via practical acts 

of kindness and love in the context 

of genuine relationships. By engaging 

in whole person evangelism, we 

can fulfill the entire scope of the Great 

Commission in spirit and in truth. • 

Subby Szterszky is managing editor of <strong>Focus</strong> on 

Faith and Culture, an e-newsletter produced by 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada. 

© 2021 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family (Canada) 

Association. All rights reserved. 

BRIMSTONE CREATIVE / LIGHTSTOCK 

32 



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FAITH & INSPIRATION / REDEMPTION 

Dr. Patti Giebink, pro-life activist 

and board-certified OB-GYN 

34 



REDEMPTION / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

From Planned 

Parenthood 

to Pro-Life 

My journey from performing abortions to 

defending the rights of preborn children 

BY DR. PATTI GIEBINK / PHOTOGRAPHY BY JENNI OCHSNER 

I DIDN’T WANT TO THINK 

ABOUT THE PAST—my time 

as a doctor with Planned Parenthood 

and my two failed marriages. I 

wanted to rise above what I’d done 

and enter a kinder, more promising 

tomorrow. A second chance. Don’t 

we all deserve that? 

So I ignored the past, along with 

all the changes that were out of my 

control, and I moved to a different 

town from where I’d performed abortions. 

Shortly after I started attending 

church, I went on my first medical 

mission trip with friends. 

A transformational journey 

This trip introduced me to the needs 

of people in remote areas of India. 

The villagers there greeted us, and 

seminary students acted as our translators. 

As our medication rations 

were depleted at breakneck speed, 

I felt like a raindrop in a drought, with 

acres of thirsty fields before me. 

Much of the time, my co-workers 

and I relied on improvisational 

treatments. During an orphan 

program, the vision test used a motorcycle 

parked about 15 feet away. If the 

child couldn’t read the license plate, 

we sent him or her to the optometrist. 

I also became friends with our 

translators, such as Romy. He gave 

his testimony at a clinic and talked 

about his faith in words I’d never 

heard before: “How I came to know 

Jesus in my heart . . .” 

His words silenced all my thoughts. 

Head knowledge (of Scripture) and 

heart revelation (loving Jesus) were 

two completely different things. I 

had started to see this concept in the 

church I was attending, but Romy’s 

testimony increased my understanding 

of having a relationship with Jesus. 

When the mission trip came to an 

end, I sensed the gratitude but also 

the disappointment of the villagers. 

I also had a profound realization: 

God made each person I met in His 

likeness. In the midst of their poverty 

and daily struggles, He loved them. 

A person’s standard of living had 

nothing to do with his or her value in 

God’s eyes. 

My trip to India also helped me 

begin to understand my true calling. 

I felt purpose again, and I took away 

more from this mission trip than 

I gave. >>> 

NEW 


UNEXPECTED CHOICE 

In Unexpected Choice, Dr. Patti 

Giebink shares how she became 

an ardent pro-life advocate. 



FAITH & INSPIRATION / REDEMPTION 

The aroma of God 

With every future mission trip I 

took—India, Cambodia, Pakistan, 

Afghanistan, Lebanon—my perspective 

widened. My love for people grew, 

and my relationship with God changed 

as He drew me ever closer to himself. 

From the beginning of my search 

for truth, God led me through the 

uncompromising winepress of experiences. 

And I became rich and 

fragrant nestled in the character and 

grace of Jesus Christ. 

My job as a doctor was to save life. 

But what about the life that has no 

voice? What about those we can’t 

physically touch, listen to or speak 

with? Did they matter? These trips 

abroad made the answer abundantly 

clear—those people matter as much 

as you and I do. 

Freedom in Christ 

My path forward was grace-filled, 

but it wasn’t easy. I no longer 

performed abortions, but I was identified 

and judged in the court of 

public opinion on both sides of the 

pro-life debate. Despite the constant 

criticism, I chose to give my testimony 

at events and churches. 

In 2007, I stood in front of about 

3,000 people, mentally fumbling for 

what to say. But then the words rolled 

out. “I’m Patti, and I used to do abortions 

for Planned Parenthood.” There 

was an audible gasp in the room. “But 

now I’m saved and set free by the 

blood of Jesus.” 

The crowd stood and cheered. I 

found that our intimate love story with 

Jesus brings the capacity for transformation—of 

ourselves and others—as 

we share Him with the world. 

What changed me from being an 

abortion provider to a pro-life advocate? 

Was it people carrying around 

disturbing photos of babies killed by 

abortion? Was it being called names 

and having my life threatened? Was it 

the hate-filled words yelled at me? No. 

The more others tried to stop me, 

the more determined I was to continue 

performing abortions. But God 

used these experiences to empty me 

of myself so He could fill me with His 

Spirit. He even appointed a nun to 

pray for me in secret. That nun was 

Sister Josita Schwab. 

Sister Josita 

While I was working at Planned 

Parenthood, Sister Josita read a newspaper 

article in which I stated that it 

was not my wish to perform abortions 

full time. My words gave her hope 

that my heart was open to change. 

If this Dr. Patti is sitting on the 

fence, Sister Josita thought, let’s see if 

God can push her over. 

And so this nun began to diligently 

pray for me by name. For 10 years, 

Sister Josita prayed for me. Then one 

day, a decade later, she watched TV 

coverage about the need for stricter 

pro-life laws in South Dakota, and 

she saw a female physician speak for 

the right-to-life movement. 

When my name was mentioned, 

Sister Josita began to cry. God 

had heard her prayers. I know this 

because she sent me a letter later 

that year. I felt the same astonishment, 

joy and humility in response 

to her prayers being answered. 

A changed woman 

During my lengthy conversion 

from abortion provider to pro-life 

spokeswoman, I had to investigate 

the hard questions and thoughtfully 

consider various opinions about 

protecting life, along with the consequences 

of what I had done. As 

I listened, the Holy Spirit’s voice 

grew louder, and I reached out to 

its source. Only then was I changed. 

After a lifetime of mistakes and 

deliverance from them, I can say 

forthrightly and without a doubt that 

no one is beyond redemption. No 

matter what you’ve done or failed 

to do, all is not lost. Our divine 

Redeemer loves you, and if you 

choose to trust Him with your life, 

He will make “all things work 

together for good” (Romans 8:28). • 

Dr. Patti Giebink is the author of Unexpected 

Choice and a board-certified OB-GYN in 

South Dakota. This article was adapted from 

Unexpected Choice, a <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

resource published by Tyndale House Publishers. 

LISTEN NOW! 

Hear more from Dr. Patti Giebink on 

the <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family broadcast 

about her unexpected choice. 


36 



Kids & Teens 

designed with value 

A parenting insight from Meredith Andrews 

AS TOLD TO JANE JOHNSON STRUCK 

MY HUSBAND, JACOB, AND I HAVE 

BEEN PRAYING about adoption. Our kids— 

Maverick, 9; Remy, 7; and Frankie, 5—are so on 

board they say, “Can we do this yesterday?” 

Ultimately, valuing life starts in our families. We 

need to tell each other, “I value you because you 

are uniquely designed by the Creator who weaves 

us together in the body of Christ to impact a world 

that needs God’s love.” Even something as simple 

as how we talk to one another at home models 

this. I often talk with our sons about how we’re not 

going to call each other names because God calls 

us nothing but loved, valuable and chosen. 

When as parents we say these kinds of things to 

our children, they begin to understand that God 

values them and every person on this planet, so we 

should also value one another. • 

Meredith Andrews is a Contemporary Christian Music artist, 

worship leader and two-time Dove Awards winner. She is 

best known for the songs “Lamb of God,” “Open Up the 

Heavens” and “Spirit of the Living God.” 

IMEH AKPANUDOSEN / STRINGER VIA GETTY IMAGES 


KIDS & TEENS / ADAPTABILITY 

tender-hearted kids 

Parenting sensitive children takes 

understanding and attention 

BY ELIZABETH LAING THOMPSON 

ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARY HAASDYK 

I ENTERED MY DAUGH- 

TER’S ROOM and settled on 

her bed across from her. She sideeyed 

me with a curious but guarded 

expression. In those eyes I could see 

the leftover hurt from our hour-long 

shopping debacle. A hundred shirts, 

a hundred rejections, and one impatient 

mom. 

“I messed up. I’m so sorry. What 

are you feeling? I really want to 

know.” 

Avery took a breath, and the hidden 

floodgate opened. Lots of tears, 

lots of feelings—several failed shopping 

trips’ worth of them: “I don’t 

like my shoulders. My friends and 

sisters don’t have muscly shoulders 

like mine—they’re all tiny. And 

everybody wants me to wear clothes 

that aren’t me.” 

The more she talked, the better 

I understood her complex inner 

world: Today wasn’t about the clothes 

or our relationship. It was about 

body image and sibling comparison, 

insecurity and identity. And here I 

thought it was about shirts. 

Parenting sensitive children is a 

tremendous privilege and responsibility—a 

privilege because they have 

extraordinary capacities for intuition, 

joy and love; a responsibility because 

their souls are tender and more easily 

hurt. They don’t live on the surface 

of life. Rather, they ponder, they 

worry, they stew. When they’re happy, 

the house fills with sunshine. But 

when they’re sad, the house hides in 

shadow. When they’re hurt, they may 

brood for hours, even days. 

So how do we parent our sensitive 

children to help them thrive? 

Acknowledge their 

emotions 

Our sensitive children long to be 

noticed and valued for who they are. 

Yet because they tend to respond 

so strongly, we can be tempted to 

accommodate their moods. 

Is she angry? The whole family 

walks on eggshells. Is he disappointed? 

We change plans to appease him. 

Continually catering to one child’s 

moods can backfire with other family 

members, creating resentment and 

frustration. So while it’s important 

to acknowledge the sensitive child’s 

emotions, we must not allow those 

feelings to dictate the household 

mood. 

During one dinner, as the rest of 

the family ate, laughed and told stories, 

my son Blake picked listlessly 

at his spaghetti. Before long, his siblings 

began feeling guilty for being 

happy when he was upset. 

I motioned for Blake to join me in 

the next room. “What’s going on?” 

I asked. 

“I was looking forward to French 

toast,” he said. 

I offered him a sympathetic smile. 

“I’m sorry, Blake. I know I promised 

38 



ADAPTABILITY / KIDS & TEENS 

French toast, but we’re out of syrup.” 

He nodded, though I could tell he 

was still unhappy. Blake is sensitive, 

so I’ve learned to draw him out and 

double-check his responses in case a 

deeper issue is hiding underneath. 

“Did something else happen today?” 

I asked. 

“No. It’s just the food,” he said. 

“OK.” I grinned, and he seemed to 

soften. “Bud, it’s OK to feel disappointed, 

but it’s not OK to sulk. Are 

you able to rejoin the family without 

making us feel like we’ve betrayed 

you?” 

He offered a wan grin. 

Our sensitive kids’ emotions 

shouldn’t dictate the mood of others 

in the family. But sometimes, we 

have to help our children find 

healthier expressions and understand 

their boundaries. After all, God 

calls us to demonstrate kindness and 

self-control even when we’re upset, 

frustrated or hurt. 

Help their emotional 

vocabulary 

At every age and stage, sensitive kids 

(really, all kids) need to learn not 

only how to talk about feelings but 

also how to label and express their 

emotions in healthy ways. 

With toddlers and preschoolers, 

try asking a simple question: “Are you 

feeling mad? Sad? Disappointed?” 

Teaching young children to identify 

and name their emotions takes the 

edge off of outbursts and tantrums. 

Sometimes they don’t know how to 

express exactly what they’re feeling. 

Teach them to identify their feelings 

using an emotion chart, such as 

the Adventures in Odyssey emotion 

chart to the right. 

With school-age kids, Bible stories 

and other healthy stories can serve 

as conversational springboards that 

cultivate emotional maturity. We can 

ask our kids questions like “What is 

this character feeling?” “When do 

you feel that way?” “How do you 

think God would feel about the way 

this person reacted?” >>> 


ADVENTURES IN ODYSSEY 

EMOTION CHART 

Let some of the most popular 

Adventures in Odyssey audio drama 

characters and friends help your kids 

identify eight of their core emotions. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/EmotionsChart 


Help them 

practice responses 

When our kids were preschoolers, 

my husband, Kevin, and I gave them 

opportunities to practice healthy 

emotional expression during our 

family devotion times. We’d choose a 

simple passage such as “Do all things 

without grumbling or disputing” 

(Philippians 2:14). Then we’d act out 

a familiar scenario in different ways. 

For the first round, the kids would 

play the parents, and Kevin and 

I would be the children. Our kids 

would announce, “It’s time to leave 

the playground!” Kevin and I 

would begin wailing and moaning, 

toddler-style. We might even roll 

around on the floor in mock temper 

tantrums. 

Our kids would erupt in a chorus 

of giggly advice: “Mommy! Daddy! 

You can’t throw fits! God says don’t 

complain!” 

Then we’d act out the scene again, 

this time demonstrating a positive 

attitude and emotional self-control. 

(The second scene never prompted 

quite as many giggles.) Next, we’d 

swap roles and reenact the scene— 

parents playing parents, kids playing 

kids—allowing our children to 

demonstrate both positive and 

negative responses, emotional outbursts 

and emotional self-control. 

These devotions were a fun way to 

give our family a neutral moment in 

which to practice expressing sensitive 

feelings. Of course, our kids still 

needed time to mature, but the more 

we practiced, the better they became 

at sorting through emotions in reallife 

situations. The next time we left 

the playground, there might still be 

tears, but not a tantrum. 

As our children entered elementary 

school, we started talking through possible 

emotional scenarios: “What do 

you do if you feel left out on the playground?” 

“What do you say when a 

friend hurts your feelings?” 

Simple what-if conversations 

engage our kids in problem-solving. 

These conversations don’t protect 

our children from challenging situations, 

of course, but they do 

make the situations less scary and 

overwhelming. 

Share your 

emotional journey 

Avery pulled her would-be cake out 

of the oven with a moan of dismay. 

I glanced over to see a slab of rubbery 

batter glued to the bottom of the pan. 

Fat tears started falling. “I always 

Get the <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

Broadcast app today at 

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ADAPTABILITY / KIDS & TEENS 

mess up,” she said. “I’m terrible at 

everything.” 

I attempted the usual parenting wisdom—“It’s 

OK to mess up; you’re still 

learning”—but she batted it away with 

brutal self-criticism. 

Desperate, I told a story: “Have I 

told you about the first time I cooked 

for Daddy?” 

A long sniffle and a headshake. “No.” 

“It was our first dinner after our honeymoon, 

and I overcooked the chicken 

so badly, we couldn’t even chew it. I 

ended up crying at the table. Poor 

Daddy didn’t know what to do.” 

A small smile twitched around her 

lips. “Really?” 

As I recounted the full story, her 

tears turned to peals of laughter. 

My story stopped Avery’s downward 

spiral, but I couldn’t tell if she’d gotten 

the point. A few weeks later, when she 

had another epic baking fail, I overheard 

her laughing with her sister: 

“Did you hear about the time Mommy 

accidentally made chicken jerky?” 

Recounting our own failures— 

especially the emotional ones we didn’t 

handle with grace and resilience— 

gives our sensitive children comfort 

and hope. They remind kids that it’s 

OK to be imperfect, and it’s OK to still 

be growing, no matter how old we are. 

Try do-overs 

I was taking the kids out for lunch, a 

rare treat. But the arguments began 

before the minivan door even shut. 

In the 10 seconds it took to back 

out of the driveway, tensions were 

already escalating from mild disagreement 

to imminent warfare. 

Frustration and uncertainty 

flooded me: Do I pull out my Scary 

Mom Voice? Call off lunch? Call a 

do-over? I pulled the car back into 

the driveway and parked. Surprised 

by what I’d done, the kids quieted 

down. 

I turned to face them. “Do you 

guys think this is the way God wants 

us to talk?” 

Mumbled noes. 

“Let’s try this whole thing again, 

this time being selfless and kind.” 

I put on a singsong voice: “Oh, darling, 

loving children who would never 

argue about something as silly as 

food, where would you all like to eat?” 

The kids started giggling, and they 

joined in, this time showing more 

patience and respect. Our do-over 

had allowed us a fresh start. 

Do-overs can be a lighthearted way 

to reset. Kids arguing about which 

movie to watch? Let’s backtrack the 

conversation. Someone speaks too 

sharply? Let’s rephrase that sentence. 

The sensitive child makes a mistake 

and struggles to let go of guilt? Let’s 

rewind the last five minutes and give 

a fresh opportunity. This simple strategy 

helps feelers of all kinds to adjust 

our attitudes and move forward even 

after difficult moments. 

Embrace grace for 

parenting mistakes 

Because sensitive kids are tender, 

we may worry about wounding them 

permanently with our missteps. But 

our kids don’t want perfect parents; 

they want loving, approachable parents. 

Growing parents. Parents who 

are willing to listen, to apologize 

when needed and to change. 

In all of this, we give our children 

hope that they, too, can grow. 

Remember the beautiful promise 

in 1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, keep loving 

one another earnestly, since love 

covers a multitude of sins.” As I 

learned that day in Avery’s room, 

we won’t ruin our children’s lives if 

we sometimes misread them, mishandle 

their emotions or bungle a 

confrontation. Love covers sins, and 

grace will guide us through. • 

Elizabeth Laing Thompson is the author of 

numerous teen and tween novels. 


KIDS & TEENS / LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS 

TEACHING 

TEENS 

ABO UTL O VE 

Help them understand the 

difference between healthy 

and toxic relationships 

BY CATHERINE WILSON 

HAVE YOU MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH “THE 

TALK” WITH YOUR ADOLESCENT? Along the way, what did you 

tell them about finding love? 

By the time kids are old enough to start dating, they often think they know 

what romantic love should be like, especially since they are constantly bombarded 

by secular messages about it. But once teens enter the dating scene, 

romantic relationships can become pretty confusing. 

If we’re to prepare our kids well—and save them from heartache as much as 

possible—our teens need us to paint them a clear picture of what healthy, biblical 

love looks like in a romantic relationship. 

And they need to know, too, what love’s counterfeits look like—the behaviors 

they should never consider normal or acceptable. 

So just where do you begin a conversation like that? Here are some scripts 

you can use to open up the discussion. If the scripts don’t feel natural to you, 

that’s okay; perhaps the points covered will still be helpful as you decide on 

alternative ways to launch into these important conversations. 

42 



LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS / KIDS & TEENS 

RAYMOND FORBES PHOTOGRAPHY / STOCKSY UNITED; (PATTERN) GOLDSQUIRREL / ISTOCKPHOTO.COM 

1. Infatuation and sexual 

attraction is not love 

Opening script: 

Do you remember how you used 

to really like/have a crush on ______? 

(person's name). (Or alternatively: 

Are any of your friends really into 

someone right now?) 

Over time, you’re going to meet 

a number of guys/girls that you’re 

especially attracted to. When you 

learn that they’re interested in you 

too, it feels awesome, doesn’t it? It’s 

a really exciting time. 

Now that you’re getting older 

though, I want you to know that you 

can expect those feelings of attraction 

to a particular guy/girl to get a 

lot stronger. You may find that the 

feelings you have for them are very 

intense, and that the sexual excitement 

that you feel when you’re 

around them is really strong too. 

A lot of young people make the 

mistake, at this point, of thinking 

they’re in love, when in reality, it’s 

just infatuation that’s getting an extra 

boost from the sexual energy people 

start to feel in their teen years. 

It’s important for you to know the 

difference between infatuation and 

real love for someone. 

Infatuation and sexual attraction 

aren’t love because it’s largely 

self-centered. It often develops 

before you know much about 

what the other person is really like. 

Infatuation tends to be based on how 

the other person makes you feel and 

what they can do for you, rather than 

really caring about the other person’s 

well-being or taking time to get 

to know who they really are. 

Infatuation and sexual attraction 

tend to be selfish, clingy and impatient, 

and affection for the other 

person tends to be short-lived. Pretty 

soon another person comes along 

who looks more interesting. 

2. True romantic love 

develops slowly 

Continuing script: 

It isn’t too surprising that the 

Bible’s description of love in 1 

Corinthians 13 begins with “Love is 

patient,” because real love takes time 

to grow. 

Real love takes time to develop 

because it’s based on in-depth 


KIDS & TEENS / LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS 

knowledge of a person. You’ve had 

time to realize that your idealized 

version of who you thought they were 

or who you imagined them to be was 

not quite correct. 

Real love also takes time to 

develop because love is not just an 

overwhelming emotion. In reality, 

the ability to love someone is a skill 

that a person needs to learn. It takes 

time and determined practice to get 

past the self-centered perspective 

we’re so accustomed to as a single 

person, so we can genuinely love 

someone else. 

When two people are mature 

and truly know how to love the 

other, here’s what you’ll see in their 

relationship: 

Mutual care for each other: A habit 

of helping to satisfy the other person’s 

wants and needs, hopes and 

dreams, so they can feel fulfilled. 

Mutual respect for each other: A 

habit of protecting the other person’s 

self-esteem and reputation, and 

allowing them freedom to make their 

own choices and have their own 

opinions. 

Equal power in the relationship: 

Decisions are made together with 

equal consideration for each other’s 

opinions; nothing is ever taken from 

the other without their consent. 

Equal responsibility in the relationship: 

Although their roles may 

be different, no one benefits at the 

expense of the other. Both partners 

put in equal effort, whether it’s with 

chores or anything else, and both 

share the rewards. And both admit 

when they’ve done something to 

hurt or upset the other person, and 

they’re quick to change their behavior 

for the better. 

3. How to recognize 

an abusive dating 

relationship 

Continuing script: 

There’s a lot to learn about love. 

When you’re getting to know someone 

you’re interested in, you’re also 

learning about their understanding 

of love. You need to figure out where 

they’re at, and whether they know 

what mature, biblical love really is. 

It’s possible you’ll discover that 

your date’s idea of what constitutes 

“love”—and even what is acceptable 

dating behavior—is surprisingly 

immature, selfish and worldly. 

There are some patterns of behavior 

you should watch for that tend to 

be warning signs of serious trouble 

ahead. Anyone acting in these ways 

is not showing love; they are showing 

abusive, controlling behavior toward 

you, and it’s likely to get worse as 

your relationship progresses. 

Watch out for situations like these 

that are not isolated incidents, but 

come up again and again: 

Belittling, disrespectful behavior 

• calling you a demeaning name— 

even if they seem to be teasing 

• making jokes at your expense or 

embarrassing you in front of friends; 

sharing personal information about 

LISTEN NOW! 

Tune in as Sadie Robertson talks 

about how you can help your 

young adult make brave choices. 


RAYMOND FORBES PHOTOGRAPHY / STOCKSY UNITED 

44 



LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS / KIDS & TEENS 

you that embarrasses you 

• acting intellectually superior by dismissing 

your ideas and opinions 

and insisting that they know better 

• acting spiritually superior by lecturing 

or tutoring you in spiritual 

matters, rather than being excited 

to explore God’s Word together and 

learn from you too 

• frequently pointing out your weaknesses 

“so you can grow,” yet being 

unreceptive to insights about their 

own character from you 

• making light of your accomplishments 

or your future goals 

Overbearing, controlling behavior 

that tries to restrict your freedom 

• pestering you or hassling you when 

you disagree with them, hoping 

you’ll give in 

• becoming angry when you disagree 

with them (rather than just 

disappointed) 

• making threats when you disagree 

with them—even if you think they 

don’t really mean it 

• punishing you for not doing what 

they wanted; for example, by withdrawing 

affection or not showing up 

for a date 

• pressuring you to abandon your 

principles about important things 

like sexual purity or obeying the law 

• showing resentment of time you 

spend on hobbies and interests that 

don’t involve them 

• jealous behavior that tries to pull 

you away from your closest friends, 

or away from your family 

• texting you frequently when you 

can’t be together or insisting you 

“check in with them” regularly 

• threatening to hurt themselves if 

you end the relationship 

Lack of humility and lack of concern 

about personal holiness 

• lack of remorse when they’ve hurt 

your feelings, or apologizing but 

never changing their behavior 

• claiming they had good motives for 

treating you badly; for example, by 

saying something like, “It’s just that I 

love you so much, my jealousy made 

me angry” 

• blaming you for triggering their bad 

behavior 

• expecting you to make most of the 

sacrifices in your relationship 

• being unreceptive to an honest conversation 

about difficult areas of 

your relationship 

And, of course, physical or sexual 

abuse 

• pulling your hair, hitting you or 

pushing you against a wall 

• restraining you against your will 

• pressuring you to view pornography 

or engage in sexting 

• taking and distributing sexually 

explicit photos of you 

• pressuring you to engage in any sexual 

behavior when you don’t want to 

If your teen does reveal that they’re 

in a dating relationship that’s less 

than ideal, be aware that many teens 

will opt to stay put, believing that a 

difficult romance is better than none 

at all. They’ll need your encouragement 

to trust that God has someone 

more mature in mind for them. 

As you talk with your teen, please 

be ready in case the unthinkable 

comes to light. Your child 

might reveal profoundly disturbing 

THE EMOTIONALLY 

DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP 

Older teens and young adults in a 

difficult romantic relationship will benefit 

from reading Leslie Vernick’s book The 

Emotionally Destructive Relationship. 


incidents or confess that they’re 

already sexually involved with a controlling 

boyfriend or girlfriend. 

How you react in that moment will 

be supremely important. It's imperative 

that you stay calm in your child’s 

presence rather than flying off the 

handle. You must show your child 

that you’re a safe person to confide 

in. There’s a possibility your child is 

in imminent danger of serious physical 

harm. The very last thing you 

want is for your child to clam up and 

stop confiding in you. 

Even if the level of toxicity in the 

relationship seems to be mild, leaving 

the relationship could put your 

child at risk of unforeseen reprisals—you 

and your child may need 

to proceed with caution. If you have 

concerns, please don’t hesitate to 

call our counselors to discuss your 

child’s situation. • 

Catherine Wilson is an associate editor at <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family Canada. 

© 2019 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family (Canada) 

Association. All rights reserved. 

If you need help in guiding 

your child, <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

Canada offers a one-time, 

complimentary consultation 

from one of our registered 

counselors. Call 1-800-661-9800 

weekdays between 8 a.m. and 

4 p.m. Pacific time. 


KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY 

vacations 

Jordan, 11, Adrien, 21, 

and Rachel, 14 

Acting goofy around 

our campground 

in Wisconsin Dells, 

Wisconsin 

—Chris from Ohio 

Jacob, 4 

Our son hitches a ride from Dad while 

vacationing in Lake Ann, Michigan. 

—Laura from Maryland 

Your kids could be in <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine! 

Email photos* of your child going back to school or on the playground. 

(Put “Back to School” or “Playground Fun” in the subject line.) 

Send to: info@fotf.ca 

* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted 

Sadie, 6 

Our little girl rode the waterslide at 

Ocean Lakes Family Campground, 

South Carolina. 

—Shawn from North Carolina 

46 



HELP YOUR KIDS 

BECOME SCREENWISE 

What boundaries should you put in place 

regarding your kids’ use of technology? 

How can you ensure your kids will follow 

those rules? 

Prioritizing connection over correction, 

youth expert Jonathan McKee equips you 

to confidently talk with your tweens and 

teens about social media, entertainment 

and screen time so they learn to be wise 

in the digital world. 

Order online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or call 1.800.661.9800

Shop with confidence 

at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada 

Today there are many ways to shop for 

faith‐building resources for your family. And 

yet, when you consider purchasing an item, 

the same questions resurface: 

Is the author offering a biblically based perspective? 

Would a counsellor consider it sound advice? 

Will the content engage your kids? 

When you shop at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

Canada, you can be sure about the resources 

we’re offering. 

We stand behind the items we sell, because 

they have been approved by <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family staff for excellent content that's in line 

with God's Word. 

Shop online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or shop by phone at 1.800.661.9800

Focus on the Family Magazine - August/September 2021

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Focus on the Family Magazine - August/September 2021

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