The Wanderer - issue 119 - http://www.wwisc.co.uk/

Letters to the Editor
Dear Sir,
Even the most one-eyed Wycombe fans must, in their hearts of hearts, admit that the
flawed ‘Points Per Game’ process used to push them into the play-offs was ridiculous and
unjust when much fairer systems were available to the EFL.
I myself suggest the much simpler ‘Height, Weight, Ferguson, Capacity Algorithm’, in
which the combined heights and weights of the squad, season ticket holders and
matchday stewards are multiplied by the number of times your manager’s dad has won
the Premier League, then added to the number of seats in your stadium, to give a figure
that could have been easily compared across the League.
Bizarrely, this was rejected out of hand by the blazered dictators of the Football League
and as such they will be hearing from my lawyers,
Yours sincerely,
Peter Borough
Cambs
Greetings (insert name of soccer club here) fans!
As your Prime Minister, I know you all want to put on your soccer rosettes and get back
into your club houses and pagodas as soon as possible to swing your rattles, buy a stout
and some meat-based food of some sort and give your chaps a rousing cheer, as they
make a glorious return to the field of play. To this end, my heroic Minister of Culture,
Media and Sport (put the name here, Jane, I’ve got no idea who is supposed to be doing
this...is it Grayling?) has been working closely with the relevant sport and health officials
to fast track some solutions and there are already a few options being tabled:
1) Let fans cram into grounds as per usual. (Cross fingers and see what happens!)
2) Let them in gradually, in dribs and drabs and full body coverings. (Cross fingers and
see what happens!)
3) Require all fans to boost the economy by buying TV sport packages (Cross fingers,
buy shares in Comcast and see what happens!)
4) Never let football be played in front of crowds again. (See if we’ve still got those water
cannons in storage. We’ll need them.)
I’m sure whichever one of these very carefully researched options is chosen, we’ll all do
our patriotic duty and unquestioningly get behind it.
Up the (insert name of soccer club here)!
Bozzer, Westminster
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