Find Freedom From What Does Not Serve You AT FORTY FIVE Magazine Issue 2101 06


A magazine for women 45+ who want to own aging with spirit and joy. For those of us rediscovering who we are & exploring what we want next. We want more; health, wealth, happiness, & fulfillment. Join women around the world navigating the best years yet.

S E P T E M B E R | I S S U E N O . 2 1 0 1 0 6


The Magazine For Women 45+

Y A N A S C H N I T Z L E R :


When We Care

Too Much

It Hurts

Yana Schnitzler:


Performance Art

Dear Ms Mostly

Retirement: Is It The

End Of The Line?



Sherry Kallergis








sue dumais

heart led living


dear ms mostly


yana schnitzler

Human kinetics


michelle segoly

cyber unit

E D I T O R ' S N O T E S

Why is it such a struggle to be ourselves? To live our life on

our own terms?

We should be able to live large and in charge with a sense of

pride but often we are beset by anxiousness. Should we,

could we, do I have it right, what will others think?

In this issue, we are exploring perspectives, learning to let

go of what is in our way, real or imagined.

Included is a wonderful opportunity to join an art project

with women from around the world who are intent on

releasing that which no longer serves them.

I hope you find your freedom.

Live well.


I D O N ' T W A N T T O B E A T T H E M E R C Y O F M Y E M O T I O N S . I W A N T T O U S E T H E M , T O

E N J O Y T H E M , A N D T O D O M I N A T E T H E M . ” ~ O S C A R W I L D E



editor's notes


when we care too

much it hurts


yana schnitzler:


performance art


aura of woman


dear ms mostly,

retirement is it the

end of the line?


5 Ways You Can

Improve Security On

Your Mobile Devices




Caring too much can be more harmful than helpful. The idea that we should be caring and

compassionate individuals is not a new concept. We are taught at a very young age to care about

others but the problem is that there is more importance placed on caring about what others think,

do, and have. We are often programmed to care more about other people’s lives and their opinions

than our own lives and opinions.

What will the neighbours think?”

“Stop doing that—everyone is watching.”

We learn to care so much that we are in constant judgment or fear of judgment, judging whether

others are good or bad, rich or poor, kind or mean, healthy or unhealthy; judging whether they like

us or not and whether they approve of what we are doing or not doing. Caring more about others

becomes a distraction from caring about ourselves and it also opens us up to deep hurt and more

harm than good.

When I was knee-deep into the fitness and wellness industry, I was a sponge for knowledge. I was

constantly taking courses, reading books, and studying research. Finding out how the body works

and what makes it tick consumed me. I was addicted to health and sharing that message with

others. It fed my childhood desire to save the world. In truth, it wasn’t just a strong desire—it

became my responsibility. In other words, I made it my mission, my responsibility. It was on my

shoulders to save the world and everyone in it, including the animals. Just a small burden to bear!

When people were interested in what I had to teach them, it was easy, fulfilling, and I felt a deep

sense of purpose and impact. But my desire to save the world wasn’t just for those who were

interested or ready to be saved. I wanted to help EVERYONE whether they wanted help or not. What

I thought was if I could just teach them what I knew they would see how important it was and they


would make the changes they needed to make

to become healthy. I would give advice when it

wasn’t welcome or I would invest much time

and energy in trying to make others see the

truth. I wanted them to “get it” so badly it

consumed me. My love for them was fierce and

I would stop at nothing.

responsible for keeping them healthy and safe.

At the same time, I felt out of control because I

couldn’t control everything they put in their

mouths and their resistance to eating my way

was strong. They ate mostly healthfully, but my

fear-filled mind had me convinced it wasn’t

healthy enough.

I cared so much that if they didn’t change, I felt

responsible. Then I cared so much that I

became attached to whether they changed or

not. I cared so much that I became attached to

them taking the information and doing

something with it. Then I cared so much that I

became anxious and I worried about others

constantly. I cared so much that I alienated

some people in my life because I just wanted so

badly for them to be healthy, happy, and live a

long life.

When they didn’t “get it” or I wasn’t able to help

them, I was devastated and carried them with

me as one of my failures. After all, I had failed to

help them. I had failed to help them see, to

change their mind. Then I started to realize that

caring too much was a heavy burden full of

disappointment and suffering.

Shortly after I healed from cancer, I became

obsessively worried about my family’s health. I

was eating mostly organic super clean food

with no sugar, no wheat, no gluten, and no

dairy; I was green juicing every day. After

receiving a diagnosis of a genetic liver disorder,

I was more aware of what I put in my mouth

and how it would affect my health.

My worry started to grow exponentially when I

would compare how I was eating to how my

husband and kids were eating. They had

already said my diet was too extreme for them,

but my fear kept growing and I felt heavy and

One morning in meditation I started to feel a

huge layer of fear rising up around the health of

my husband. He was stressed at work, he had

gained some weight, and I kept being pointed

to his heart. I felt this huge mountain of

responsibility for keeping him healthy. I had a

painful vision of him dying, and of me standing

over his grave with a “guilty” sign strung

around my neck. Tears streamed down my

cheeks as though a faucet were pouring

uncontrollably. I felt responsible for his health

and I believed that if he died it would be all my

fault. I would be responsible for his death

because I hadn’t been able to convince him to

change his ways. The burden was unbearable

and it cracked my heart open.

I felt out of control because I couldn’t control

everything they put in their mouths and their

resistance to eating my way was strong.

My ego-mind had convinced me I was

responsible for the health of my family because

I bought the groceries. So if something would

have happened to them, it would have been all

my fault. Later that night, I shared my vision

with my husband and told him the burden I

was carrying. I explained how if he died it would

be all my fault. His words were such a gift as

they landed in a way that shifted everything for

me. He said, “You are not responsible for me or

anyone else’s health. My health choices are my

health choices, not yours.”


I suddenly saw an opening in my mind and the

terrifying grip of fear let go; a huge sense of

relief washed over me. I couldn’t force them to

eat a certain way. Trust me—I had tried and it

hadn’t worked. Forcing them is not

empowering them. It is not up to me; it is up to

them. They must make the choice for


I felt a freedom I never felt before. It was as

though I let go of a lifetime of attachment to

the choices others make or don’t make. It is not

up to me. I can empower them with knowledge

but ultimately they need to feel empowered by

making their own choices. I can show up and

play my part but the rest is not up to me. It is

like that old saying, “You can lead a horse to

water, but you cannot make it drink.”

In my life and in my home, I lead by example. I

buy healthy foods and make healthy meals, but

my family doesn’t need to eat a hundred

percent healthy all the time unless they want

to. By processing my fears, I let go of my

attachments around their health and accept

their choices. I have also slowly let go of my

judgments about their choices and freed them

to empower themselves. Still, I do make

decisions for my son around food, only because

he would eat sugar all day long if I let him. The

difference is when I do say no or yes to certain

foods, it is now coming from a place of love not

paralyzing fear and control disguised as caring.

We are programmed to care so much that we

want to help, give advice, fix, change, and make

right what we think is wrong in other people’s

lives. The truth is that other people’s lives are

none of our business, but we make them our

business and that can come at a great sacrifice

and much suffering.

Let’s take a look at the news for a moment. Do

you feel better or worse after watching, reading,

or listening to the news? I believe CNN is short

for “constant negative news.” We are

bombarded with images and stories that build

fear and make us feel guilty for what we have,

bad for what we don’t, and even worse for

others. When we care so much that we feel sick

to our stomach or we develop chronic anxiety

about everything that is going wrong in the

world, we are not helping; we are causing more

harm. We are causing more harm to our own

well-being, but we are also adding more fear to

an already fear-filled world.

I used to believe that caring showed others that

I loved them. People don’t need you to care in

the form of worry. That is the same as sprinkling

them with fear. People want to feel loved, and

caring too much is not an expression of love: it

is an expression of fear. So not only are we

adding more fear to the pot, we are causing

more suffering inside our own minds as we

learn to chronically fret and worry about others.

That is not loving to others or ourselves.

The world doesn’t need more fear and neither

do we. We need more authentic genuine

expressions of love sprinkled with empathy and

compassion. Empathy calls us to imagine how

they must be feeling and loving them in spite

of those feelings. It is about being present for

them to express and share how they feel

without our judging them or trying to fix them

or change how they feel. Just loving them in

that moment and holding space for them to

feel fully so they can heal is enough.

Instead, we are taught to sympathize by feeling

sorry for others and their situations. People

don’t need us to feel sorry for them and it only

leaves us feeling bad at the same time. Meeting


them in fear with our own fear is not helpful.

Meeting their fear with your unconditional love

and being a compassionate witness allows

them to feel heard, seen, and understood and

at the same time allows us to hold the high

note and stand strong in the energy of love.

My responsibility is not to save the world

anymore. I support those I am meant to

support and free everyone else to live their life.

Today, I do my best to see everyone through

the lens of love. I honour where they are and

accept that some are willing to heal and some

are not. The difference from the way I used to

be is I now see everyone as capable. I see

everyone’s potential and I focus on that without


I know that beyond their fear is all the love they

could ever need or ever ask for. We all have

access to that love. Some will turn toward the

love and say YES and others will turn away from

it and say no. I accept and honour them either

way. I love them just the same. Now that

doesn’t mean I devote my time and energy

trying to help them all. I simply love them and I

trust my heart to lead me. Either I will guide

them or I won't.

My responsibility is not to save the world

anymore. I support those I am meant to

support and free everyone else to live their life.

I trust I will work with those I am meant to or

they will find someone else. The pressure is off

my shoulders because I took it off. The burden

is no longer mine to carry because I put it

down. I no longer care too much, but I have

learned to love deeply without attachment and

that has been the biggest gift I could have ever

given myself and the world.

Gift yourself or a friend a copy

Stay tuned next week for chapter 2 ~ We Are

More Connected Than We Are Separate

Here you can read all chapters to date

***This is an excerpt from Sue Dumais' book

"Stand UP Stand OUT Stand STRONG ~ A 30

Day Guide to Navigate Life When the SHIFT

Hits the Fan"

Published on with permission

from © Sue Dumais

If you have thoughts on the content send us a


Do you have expertise, knowledge, or a life

experience to share? Visit the Contributor tab

for more information.

Tales of a Phoenix: The Letting Go Project





Performance Art


Yana Schnitzler of Human Kinetics creates performance art. Her current participatory art project

draws women together from around the world giving them a unique opportunity to heal.

This performance art “Tales of a Phoenix: The Letting Go Project” offers you a role, allowing you

to release that which is holding you back. We all have things in our life that hinder our personal

growth. Sadly, it can be difficult to release its hold on us. I am so excited to participate and you

can too. Learn more.

Tales of a Phoenix: The Letting Go Project

Garment District Exhibition New York City

Yana sewing fabric pieces

together into the skirt

Fitting the skirt on the

mannequin Sally


The project began about one and a half ago.

Yana made an initial call for women to

participate through social media and online,

inviting them to write down on a piece of fabric

what was standing in their way. Then they

mailed or scanned it and emailed it to her. She

started receiving pieces from over 45 countries

including Australia, Bangladesh, Pakistan,

Uruguay, Russia.

Now, she is sewing all the pieces into a roomfilling

skirt and eventually wearing it in a

performance. Finally, and symbolically, the skirt

will be destroyed releasing the blockages. She

shares her journey today. (The following is

edited for flow)

How Was The Response?

The response has been so touching and

beautiful. When I receive those personal and

sometimes intimate pieces, I often cry, because

I see myself.

Earlier this year, I had a gallery run in

Manhattan's garment district. I hung all the

pieces on the walls, to begin with, like a

traditional exhibition with a mannequin

affectionately named Sally, in the center of the

room wearing a plain white skirt spread out

filling the room.

Over the course of the seven weeks, those

pieces on the walls slowly came down and

were attached to form the fabric of the skirt.

As it was a storefront, people could see the

exhibition and were drawn in by curiosity.

I also had a sandwich board out on the street

encouraging participation. It was unbelievable

how many came in, even men. Everyone

wanted to read what was on the pieces.

Some came in and just stood there crying

because they felt the pain that was hanging

on the walls. It was a very visceral experience.

Many wanted to participate and share their

story. That was unexpected, after all, it is New

York, people are too cool and usually too busy.

I think though the project was timely. It was

February, with COVID behind us and everyone

was more open, waking up. You would not

believe how empty New York City had been,

like a ghost town.

I feel because of the past year, we were scared.

COVID stirred us up and gave us an

opportunity for reflection, to reconsider our

values and what's important to us. And I think

all that really came together in the response.

Some days I didn't have a single minute to

create and work on the skirt because so many

were coming and responding to it. They didn’t

expect to see things so personal and painful,

like a piece that says, depression, or shame, or

anxiety or patriarchal overloads. It caused

many to stop in their tracks.

There was a very different level of

communication happening. Women were

talking, feeling, and sharing. I was there to hold

the space for them to have an experience, to

share their stories, or declare for themselves

what they wanted to let go of.

What Did You Learn?

We're so much alike regardless of where we

are in the world. We are all facing similar

things that create a bond, a sense of

community. That very fact is empowering as


There is magic in all the positive responses. It

has been an incredible journey so far.

Tales of a Phoenix: The Letting Go Project

Things Women Are Letting Go


As performance art goes, the project has its own

rhythm, and it has grown. It is interesting

because, at times, it did not go smoothly. At first,

some days I wouldn't get pieces and I would

think maybe the project is not what I should be

doing, or it doesn't want to be born. Whenever I

was close to giving it up, I got another piece. So,

it was like dangling a carrot in front of me.

Another example was when I was running out of

fabric. Then my husband saw huge trash bags

filled with fabric samples on the street in the

garment district. The solution found me and

added a tactile experience for women. Women

could make more personal choices from a range

of fabrics and colors.

What Is Next?

Originally, I wanted to create the skirt and then

finish the project. The response was so powerful,

so touching, and empowering that I felt it

needed to be seen by as many as possible and

many women should have the opportunity to

participate. Pieces continue to come in and I

am busy adding them to the skirt. There are

multiple showings in the US and then it moves

on to Germany.

In the spring, I'm going to do a closing

performance art show wearing the final skirt. By

that time will be huge. As each piece is

connected, the skirt figuratively collects

women’s voices together so I am gathering

those voices around me, and finally publicly

destroying the skirt as a symbol of letting go.

Can We Participate In This Performance


Yes, I am still accepting pieces. You can find the

details here.

Simply you take a piece of fabric you have. It

could be meaningful like your favorite blouse or

just an odd piece. Write what you want to let go

of in whatever way you want; markers, pens,

paint, even embroider or hand stitch. Then you

mail it to me or scan and email it to me and I will

print it on fabric.

It can be a unique way of setting that intention

for yourself. I encourage you to be creative.

Get To Know Yana

How did you get started in performance art?

Growing up in communist East Germany, there

wasn’t much room for individuality: You go to

school, get a job, get married, have a family, and

work your job until retirement. No room left or

right. So, even though as a child I was always

drawing and crafting, moving, and dancing, I

never considered myself an artist. I was a people

pleaser and thought I had to follow that ‘regular

path’. However, in trying so I got into real trouble

- with myself. Depression and overall

unhappiness eventually led me to quit my job in

the film business, which was a starting point of

my journey.

My journey is one of a “split personality” so to

speak. I’ve always had two contradictory sides in

me: a people pleaser on one side to fill that inner

void and a quiet rebel against everything

mainstream on the other. However, the more I

am becoming who I am, the more I learn to be

myself and do the things that I feel I’m here for

the more these two sides are fading away.

What has been the most rewarding aspect of

your journey?

The most rewarding aspect of my journey is that

I feel like I keep growing, as an artist and as a

person. I’m learning more about myself, who I

am, and what I “really” care about. And in this

process, I feel I’m becoming more whole.

What has been an unexpected barrier and

how did you overcome it?

When you move to another country, as I did

twenty years ago, you find all this new freedom.

That’s what you left your home country for.

You’re able to re-invent yourself, and you go for it.

Only to realize at some point, that you carry that

same cultural conditioning that you had left in

the first place within yourself and that this is

what holds

you back on a deeper level.

Learn More

What is your key strength?

Focus and perseverance. I’m also quite


If you could meet anyone for lunch, who

would it be?

I have a long list but to pick a few:

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, former President of

Liberia, for her incredible courage,

determination, and foresight

My paternal grandmother, for her love and to

learn about her life

Louise Bourgeous, for insights about her

work and artmaking process

Website is

How to participate

Follow on social media:

Facebook Yana Schnitzler Human Kinetics

Instagram yanaschnitzlerhumankinetics

If you love art, check out our Women In Art series

What is the best advice you ever received?

I find the best - and the hardest! - advice is:

“Trust yourself.” We live in a culture that

overemphasizes a rational view of things. The

mind that reasons and has explanations while

our gut feeling says the opposite but cannot

“prove” its point. That’s why it’s such a challenge

as we have to trust. Trust that kind of deeper

sense of knowing.

What do you need to make more room in

your life for?

More fun stuff, such as random handstands at

the beach. I used to love to do them as a kid, and

though they’ve gotten bad I still enjoy doing

them. Or ice skating in the winter.

If you could learn anything new, what

would it be?

I’d like to learn to weave. There’s something

about working with physical material that I find

very satisfying, that tactile experience of it. I

would also love to learn trapeze or kiteboarding.



Neeta is our Aura of Woman Imagery this week.

This series from April Rose More Photography celebrates

women who embrace their unique Aura of Woman and share it with the world.

View the complete series

Dear Ms Mostly

Ms. Mostly mostly knows it all

and if not, she is on the hunt to

find the answer for you.

Retirement: Is It

The End Of The Line?

Dear Ms Mostly

Well, here I am riding the rails to retirement at

what seems like 200 miles an hour. I am worried

about what is at the end of the line. Having

been a single, career professional all my life, it

has been easy keeping busy while at home for

short periods of time. Not so, the future.

Will I soon be relegated to the sofa, catching

up on old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, listening

to all the political goings-on, all by myself? It

has been easy to not have any hobbies while

dedicating myself to my job.

Many of my friends are business associates.

Some will still be working and others will be off

into their own retirement with their spouses. I

am at a loss for ideas to keep busy and want to

proactively stave off the lonely days and nights I

am half expecting. Any ideas, Ms. Mostly?

What now?


Your future will be largely what you imagine it

to be. Positive visualization does not include old

episodes of Grey's Anatomy so cut that s**t out.

many not-for-profits, community organizations,

and boards need intelligent, experienced

people with time to devote. You'll find you don't

need a paycheque to derive satisfaction from

work and, even better, you'll likely meet other

people with similar life circumstances and will

make new friends who will suit your retired


Once you start to reach out to organizations

that do things that inspire and motivate you,

there will be fewer lonely days and nights, and,

more likely, you'll find there is simply too much

you can devote yourself to and you actually

need a little break from being busy.

That will be the only time I'll allow you to

wallow on the couch with an old Grey's


It sounds as if your career kept you busy

enough to avoid hobbies and outside activities

so now is the time to take that well-used and

rich brain of yours and put it to work building

capacity in others and in your community. So











Cellphones, laptops, and other mobile

devices are used for a plethora of functions

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Technology is often integrated into our

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stores of sensitive information can lead to

identity theft, stolen credit cards, and

ransom threats.

Cybercrime is on the rise and

it is more important than ever for you to

take care to protect yourself and your


The Importance of Cybersecurity

Cybersecurity can be an intimidating word

and often many people think that it

involves expensive plans or fancy

technology. In reality, cybersecurity is

simpler than you may have imagined. All it

really means is actions that you can take to

protect your systems, mobile devices, or

networks from any type of cyber attack. It

can really be as simple as making small

changes to your daily routine to keep your

information more secure.

Mobile Security

For many of us, our cell phones contain all

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cybercriminals. Since our smartphones

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practices in place. Here are some of our

recommendations for safety tips that you

can implement to keep you and your

mobile devices safe.

5 Tips for Better Mobile Device


1. Be careful when using public Wi-Fi

Connecting to public networks can be

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It is always important to ask if the app is asking

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How many of the applications on your phone do

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5. Turn off Wi-Fi and Bluetooth

By turning these features off, you prevent your

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Learn More

Why Your Cybersecurity Matters

Contact Cyber Unit

The missing piece



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