Issue 1

36
I stood in your door frame taking in the scent of you, waiting for you to look at me, to smile at me, to do something,
but your eyes stayed glued to the TV. You wouldn’t look at me, so again, I ran to you. I walked over to your bed,
plopping onto the space next to you where your white comforters were bunched in a pile, that smelt the same as
your leather jacket, the same as you.
“ You have homework today?” Again, you didn’t look at me as you asked the question. Was I suddenly not enough
for you?
I shook my head yes, not knowing what else to say. I couldn’t seem to find the words to answer you today. I couldn’t
bring myself to speak to this version of you, who made me feel like an outsider, I couldn’t do it.
My hands seemed to shake as I reached down to the canvas bag that you had thrown to the side of your bed. My
hair fell over my face as I fought the urge to cry and let out all my tears right in front of you. Today felt so different,
too different. You felt so cold, so distant, and I couldn’t figure out why.
Then your hand was on my wrist, holding me. You turned me and forced me to look at you, to make eye contact
with you. You were being you again, and we were being us. I expected you to tease me, or hold me in your arms, or
ask to help me with my homework, but instead you asked me a question.
“Celeste?”
“Yeah?” Your eyes were sad, they were distant. We weren’t us again, this wasn’t us. We didn’t get sad together, being
together made us happy, or at least it made me happy.
“Are you going to the dance with Jacob?”
“Jacob? My lab partner?” The annoying kid who never took a hint when it was time to shut up? “No.”
You turned your back on me, abandoning our conversation, your breath growing heavy as I watched each of your
shoulders begin to rise in your black shirt as your head fall forward. Were you upset, that you thought I was going
with Jacob? No, never once had you asked me to a dance, why would you be upset?
“Celeste, I think I’m going to go to the dance with Olivia.” Oh Olivia, that was why you were being like that. Olivia,
the girl who’s head you would stare at whilst I daydreamed about you in math class. Olivia, the kind of girl I’d never
be. I could feel myself crumbling under your words, I could feel that same burning sensation in my throat returning,
and I could hear that sort of wicked cough willing to come back out, but I wouldn’t let you see me like that. Instead,
I smiled to you.
“That’s great Max. I’m happy for you.” I knew my eyes had to be glossy as tears threatened to pour down my face,
but I kept flaunting that toothy grin, trying to make you happy.
As your head turned to meet me, your eyes looked almost surprised. Were you in disbelief over what I had said? Did
you want me to cry? Did you want me to beg you to be mine? But then, you smiled. Not your real smile, but that
fake one you gave to your mom when she asked you if you had just been crying, but you didn’t want to bother her.
Your lips curved, but your eyes remained sad. Were you sad for me? Could you tell that you had just shattered every
last bit of my heart? Or were you sad for yourself?
I didn’t want to find out. You were my best friend, whom I loved, but for at least tonight, I needed to get away from
you.
I started shrugging off your thick black jacket, that I had always loved wearing, but I only loved wearing it because
it was yours, and I thought wearing the jacket meant that I was yours too. Now I knew I wasn’t yours, only the jacket
was, and it was time to return it. Maybe one day I’d see it on the shoulders of a girl like Olivia; the kind of girls who
were always pining after you, but I always thought you’d reject for them the geeky, quiet girl like me. The kind of
girls who were captain of the cheer team, the kind of girls who’d win prom queen, the kind of girls who make fun of
girls like me.
“I’m going home. I don’t feel good” It was the truth, I didn’t feel good, I was lovesick.
“Your parents aren’t even home, they’re on a business trip, stay in the guest room tonight.” You didn’t really want
me to stay, you were pitying me. You looked down on me. Your eyes were different than they normally were. For
the first time, I really felt as though you were looking at me like I was weak. I couldn’t tell if you figured out exactly
how I felt, but the air was different, and I knew you felt it too.