Focus on the Family Magazine - October/November 2021
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics. Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics.
Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
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‘HELP, I
MARRIED AN
INTROVERT!’
Helping Families Thrive in Christ
OCT / NOV 2021
IS YOUR CHILD
OVERWHELMED
BY FEAR,
ANXIETY OR
WORRY?
M eet
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
CANADA’S NEW PRESIDENT
Jean-Paul
Beran
pg. 24
October / November
Contents
Difficulties in a marriage
often affect the whole family
You can give couples the help they need when life gets difficult and
tensions arise. Your donation will make sure couples have access
to articles, broadcasts, digital video series and other relevant tools
they need to strengthen and improve their relationship.
FLAFFY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
Couples
11 THREE TIPS TO LIVE BY
A marriage insight from Sue Mellema
12 GRATITUDE WITH PURPOSE
Appreciating your spouse will
strengthen your marriage—and
change you
by Gary Thomas
15 ‘HELP, I MARRIED AN INTROVERT!’
Five strategies for strengthening
your relationship
by Holley Gerth
20 AN UNEXPECTED PROPOSAL
After two kids and 25 years of
marriage, Mike told his family he
was leaving. They all thought it was
forever
by Thomas Jeffries
In Every
Issue
4 LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
5 HACKS & FACTS
10 MEDIA
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY
Faith & Inspiration
23 SKIPPING GRACE?
The mealtime blessing that
drew my neighbors together
by Farrah Adkins
24 MEET JEAN-PAUL BERAN
new president shares how his
complicated past has given him
a passion for helping families find
hope in Christ
by Amy Van Veen and Todd Foley
28 SLEEPLESS JEALOUSY
Letting go of my grudge helped me
appreciate my husband and focus
on God’s character
by Krystle Porter
Kids & Teens
29 SIBLING APPRECIATION
A parenting activity
from Linsey Driskill
30 IS YOUR CHILD OVERWHELMED
BY FEAR, ANXIETY OR WORRY?
Get to the heart of what’s
bothering your kids with simple,
nonthreatening questions
by Michelle Nietert
36 DO YOUR KIDS HAVE
HEALTHY CELLPHONE HABITS?
Three tips to help your teens
become screenwise
by Jonathan McKee
39 WORTHY OF LOVE
How to help children placed
through foster care feel safe, valued
and welcomed into your family
by Johnston Moore
44 DISCONNECTED TEENS
How to respond if your kids are
isolating themselves from social
interactions
by Mike Bechtle
Will you consider supporting hurting couples
with a donation today?
Simply visit
October / November 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3
LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
Hacks & Facts
president Jim Daly
chief operating officer Ken Windebank
publisher Steve Johnson
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING
focus canada president Jean-Paul Beran
editorial director Sheila Seifert
managing editor Andrea Gutierrez
copy chief Scott DeNicola
contributing editors Ginger Kolbaba, Vance
Fry, Jennifer Lonas, Thomas Jeffries,
a new
chapter
Marianne Hering and Jeff Masching
art director Brian Mellema
designer Anneka Jack
cover The Beautiful Mess
media publishing director Kevin Shirin
editorial assistant Kat Bittner
print production Gail Wise
Jean-Paul Beran is
president of
the Family Canada.
IN 1983, six years after
Family began their ministry in the U.S.,
their doors to serve the unique needs of
Canadian families. Terence Rolston, who
faithfully served for many years as president, stepped down
at the end of 2020. Bob Cheatley, a long-time board member
of
interim president.
During that time, the Board of Directors began their extensive
search. I am humbled and honored to be selected as the
new president of
I am thankful for Terence’s legacy of faith and heart for helping
families thrive. I am also grateful to Bob for stepping in to
lead this ministry through a time of transition.
Jesus is my Lord and my Savior; he’s my everything. As I
look ahead to this new chapter of serving as president, I look
to Jesus as my example of leading with wisdom, service and
grace. On page 24, you’ll have the opportunity to learn more
about my story and understand my passion for serving families
in broken places and difficult seasons. It is my desire that every
family, regardless of what they’re walking through, will experience
the hope of Christ.
I pray you find encouragement and guidance in the many
excellent articles within these pages, and I look forward to serving
you in your journey of building a thriving family.
Blessings,
Jean-Paul Beran
CLINT BARGEN PHOTOGRAPHY
circulation Sandy Grivy
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other resources through the generosity of friends
like you.
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Magazine.
2021, Vol. 6, No. 5 ISSN 2471-5921, © 2021
Family. All rights reserved. Published by
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A Gourd of
Gratefulness
To help foster an attitude of gratitude in our family, I placed
a medium-sized pumpkin in the center of our dinner table
and, starting the first of the month, we used it to record
things for which we were grateful. At dinnertime, each family
member shared something he or she was thankful for.
Starting at the top of the pumpkin, we wrote down each
item using a black Sharpie. We added to it every night until
Thanksgiving, eventually covering the outside of the entire
gourd. The kids looked forward to writing something each
evening (so did I!), and the pumpkin became a wonderful
reminder and centerpiece of our many blessings.
—Tien-Yee Hillman
4 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY October / November 2021
October / November 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5
HACKS & FACTS / GRATITUDE
GERMS / HACKS & FACTS
A FULL YEAR OF
THANKFULNESS
During one particular Christmas season, my husband
and I felt that our kids were being less grateful than
we would have liked. So starting in January, we had
them write a letter every month to someone, telling
that person why they were thankful for him or her.
They chose to write to teachers, ministers, grandparents
and friends’ parents. We taught our kids how to
properly address the envelopes.
At the end of that year of letters, we donated blankets
and coats to the local homeless shelter. It was a
full year of thankfulness, with monthly reminders of
gratitude and an ongoing heart change.
—Rebecca Hardie
People who send thankyou
notes report a mood
boost of two points on an
11-point scale.
Source: Psychological Science, 2018
Gratitude Journal
(POM POM BALLS) SWEETLEMONS, (MAGNIFYING GLASS) GALINA, (PAINT) MORDECIO / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
A Lesson in
Finger Painting
One day we let my daughter totally paint her hands
with finger paints. When it was time to wash the
paint off, we explained that germs can be all over her
hands just like the paint; the only difference is that
she can’t see the germs.
So when she washes her hands, it’s important to
scrub with soap and rub all over (getting between
fingers, on top of hands, etc.). As she washed off the
paint, she was so excited to get her hands clean. Now
when we want her to wash her hands properly, we
remind her of the paint.
Sneeze Beneath
the Collar
—Autumn Shaffer
I taught my three boys to sneeze into the inside of
their T-shirts by lifting the collar over their mouth and
nose. That way the germs stay where they’re at . . .
with them. As odd as it sounds, this practice has been
well received. And because their clothes are getting
washed regularly, I can ensure that other people aren’t
being subjected unnecessarily to my kids’ poorly
directed sneezes.
—Joanna Sanders
Healthy Hands
To avoid the spread of germs, I insist my children
wear clothes with pockets. This way, whenever we
go out, I ask them to keep their hands tucked in, and
we avoid a lot of unnecessary touching. At times, I
put a coin in their pocket and allow them to keep it if
I don’t see their hands. The money motivates them to
keep their hands out of sight.
—Allison Struber
My husband and I taught our kids to keep a
personal gratitude journal for jotting down
encouraging thoughts, ideas and prayers.
These became conversation starters at dinner
every evening, and we brainstormed
how to turn them into actions: calling a
friend to say we care, emailing a word of
encouragement, saying thank you for a
kindness, helping a sibling with a task or
drawing a picture for grandparents.
We also found that making Thanksgiving
a truly special time, rather than simply a
steppingstone to Christmas, led our children
to understand and value the significance of
gratitude well beyond the holiday season.
—Nancy Koenig
(ENVELOPES) TIERNEY,(PHOTO) BULLRUN / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
MAGNIFIED
MICROBES
Our children washed thoroughly if their hands
“looked” dirty, but if they didn’t see dirt, they would
skip washing. One day we looked online at pictures
of germs magnified by a microscope. What a sight!
That day changed my girls’ understanding about
germs, and they now wash without being told.
—Ashlie Gillit
6
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
October / November 2021
October / November 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7
HACKS & FACTS / RESPECT
RESPECT / HACKS & FACTS
‘Do Unto Others . . .’
BRIDGING
DIFFERENCES
I’ve marveled at how teaching
my kids to have simple, kind
conversations can help them bridge
their differences with their peers.
When our youngest son butted
heads with a classmate and the
situation verged on bullying, the
classmate’s mother and I arranged
playdates for the boys. It worked.
They learned to embrace each
other’s differences and found
common ground, too.
Every Saturday, I sat my children around the table for our weekly Bible
reading and Scripture memorization before they went out to play. One
particular Scripture verse, “Do to others as you would have them do to
you” (Luke 6:31, NIV), particularly encouraged my 7-year-old son.
After school one day, my son told me he’d made a new friend. She
was a classmate who used a wheelchair. The other kids ignored or
mocked her, but he wanted to treat her as he would have wanted others
to treat him, so he befriended her. Slowly, some of his classmates
decided to befriend the little girl, too.
—Dianna Lefas
—Kristi Woods
Common
Ground
Between Kids
Instead of focusing on the
differences my children notice
between themselves and others,
I encourage them to look harder
for the similarities between them.
For instance, one of my sons
recently saw a boy about his age
with a pacifier in his mouth. He
immediately pointed it out (quite
loudly) and asked if he was a baby.
Instead of hushing or shaming
him, I pointed out how he looked
about my son’s age and probably
also enjoyed playing with cars
and dinosaurs, too. Then I gently
reminded him that he used to use
a pacifier, as well. Reminding him
of the ways he was the same as the
other boy helped my son view him
in a new light.
—Elizabeth James
(CLOCKWISE) PIXEL-SHOT, RAWPIXEL.COM, RIDO, DAISY DAISY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
KINDNESS
ON THE
PLAYGROUND
On his first day of third grade, my
son complained about a new kid
who “messed up everything for
everybody.” I discovered this child
had ADHD, and there were times his
mother forgot to give him his medication.
That night I read my son
the Bible story in Luke 10 about the
good Samaritan, stressing that we
don’t know what this little boy might
be going through in life and that we
always need to show compassion
and kindness regardless of how he
might act. My son said he’d try.
That spring, I volunteered to
chaperone a school field trip. I was
surprised when the boy’s mom
took my hand. “I want to tell you
how wonderful your son is,” she
said, her eyes glistening. “I know my
son can be difficult, but when none
of the other children will play with
him, your son always does.”
As I said good night to my son
that evening, he asked me if I had
fun that day. I told him it was the
best day ever.
—Linda Breeden
Changing Unfair Labels
One day, when my 10-year-old daughter, Julia, and I were out shopping,
a girl from her school said hello. Julia barely acknowledged her. When
I asked her why she’d acted that way, my daughter said, “She’s one of the
bad kids, Mom.” By bad, Julia meant that she didn’t turn in her homework
or get good grades, and she often got into trouble in class. I was
concerned that my daughter was labeling kids in such a negative way.
When we got home, I handed Julia a notepad and said, “I’d like you
to make a list of everyone in your life who has helped you become who
you are.” Her list was long, filled with parents, grandparents, aunts and
uncles, her youth leaders at church, teachers and friends. I looked at her
list and said, “We need to remember that a lot of kids can’t make a list
like yours. Some kids don’t have anyone to help them with homework or
teach them how to behave. Who would you be today if no one had ever
helped you?”
Julia nodded. “I’ll remember,” she said.
After the list experience, Julia told her teacher that if anyone needed
help with homework, she would stay inside during recess to help.
She’d always assumed that when kids didn’t do their homework, it was
out of laziness or bad behavior. After our conversation, she often spent
recess helping the girl with her math homework, explaining homework
in the same way I explained it to Julia the night before. It helped her
see that we shouldn’t judge other people’s situations because we don’t
know all the facts.
—Diane Stark
8
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
October / November 2021
October / November 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9
MEDIA / PLUGGED IN
Couples
UPCOMING
REVIEWS
I know I should be using parental controls
on my kids’ accounts and devices, but I’m
unsure where to start. What should I do?
Great question because, let’s face it, that’s
where a lot of us as parents are today. Yes,
we know—in the abstract—that parental
controls are available. But implementing
them can seem intimidating and overwhelming
because, well, we don’t know where to begin.
The good news is that using parental controls is
actually pretty simple once you get over that understandable
anxiety.
I’d suggest starting with a streaming service you
use, which will give you a quick “win” and boost your
confidence. Let’s take Netflix as an example: First, log
on to your account from your computer. (Note that
the procedure will be a little different if you log on
from a mobile device or smart TV.) Hover over your
profile pic in the upper right-hand corner, and you’ll
see the word “Account” appear in a drop-down menu.
Click on it. At the bottom of that page, you’ll see the
header “Profile & Parental Controls,” as well as different
profiles for your family members (if those are
set up). Click on one of your children’s profiles, and
you’ll see a section for “Viewing Restrictions,” which
takes you to a bar with movie and TV ratings that you
can restrict. Save. Boom. Done.
Once you’ve mastered one service or device, you’ll
have growing confidence to move on to another. The
settings won’t be exactly the same, but they’re all generally
similar. Most importantly, you’ll see that taking
advantage of these content-restricting features is a lot
easier than you may have realized.
—Adam Holz, director of Plugged In
For reviews of these and other
titles, visit PluggedIn.com,
on the Family’s media review and
discernment website.
STRAY
Will the cat lover in your
family want to give this
third-person adventure
game a try?
Scheduled release: October
ETERNALS
Are the battle scenes in this
Marvel superhero flick too
intense for younger viewers?
Scheduled release: Nov. 5
ENCANTO
Does the magical backdrop
of Disney’s latest animated
film overshadow the familycentered
plot?
Scheduled release: Nov. 24
(TOP TO BOTTOM) ©2021 MARVEL; WALT DISNEY ANIMATION STUDIOS; BLUETWELVE STUDIO
JEN LINTS PHOTOGRAPHY
3tips to
live by
A marriage insight
from Sue mellema
TAKING WALKS
TOGETHER has turned into
happy moments for my husband,
Dan, and me. Without the distraction
of cellphones and emails, we actually
talk about what’s going on in our lives.
Recently, we discussed the constantly
changing seasons of life. We’ve
had busy and fun seasons—watching
our three sons marry, start careers
and become the fathers of our nine
precious grandkids. And we’ve had
challenging, heart-wrenching seasons
when we lost three of our parents to
cancer, lung disease and Alzheimer’s.
Dan and I came up with three
golden nuggets that God has
impressed on us to live out through
each season of life:
Love Jesus. Sounds basic and simple,
but if we truly love the Savior,
we’ll want to get to know Him by
meditating on His Word and being
obedient to what it says.
Love others. Dan and I are intentional
about making time for family
and inviting friends over, whether
it’s sending a quick text or enjoying
a game night together. When God
puts someone on our hearts, we try to
bless that person.
Preach the Gospel to yourself daily.
When we stop to think about what
Jesus did for us on the Cross, we can’t
help but be humbled, thankful and
filled with hope.
None of these golden nuggets are
new truths. But when we commit to
living them out, they can change our
marriages and prepare us for the next
season of life God brings our way. •
Sue mellema is a retired elementary school
teacher and now a full-time grandma. Her
husband, Dan, is the chief financial officer for
10
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
October / November 2021
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11
cOuples / THanKFULneSS
THanKFULneSS / cOuples
GRATITUDE
WITH
PURPOSE
Take charge of your mind
One of the most helpful verses for
marriages isn’t, in context, about
marriage, but when applied to
marriage, it’s revolutionary. In
Philippians 4:8 (NIV), Paul says we
are to think about things that are true,
noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable,
excellent and praiseworthy. This calls
us to take charge of our minds. In
other words, we need to think about
what we think about. Rather than letting
our thoughts run off on their own,
we need to rein them in.
If we want to be healthy physically,
we won’t eat everything that looks delicious;
we’ll exert self-control. In the
same way, if we want to be healthy
relationally, we shouldn’t think about
everything that demands our attention.
We need to exert the same self-control
with our minds that we exhibit with
our bodies. Philippians 4:8 implies
that we shouldn’t dwell on whatever
is dishonorable, distasteful, frustrating,
shameful or deserving of censure.
While we can address these issues in
counseling, they shouldn’t be things
we ruminate on.
To build your marriage with gratitude,
don’t listen to yourself; talk to
yourself. Reject negative thoughts
and pivot to the positive. You may
have to think consciously about doing
this at first, but in time it will become
second nature. As a result, you will
feel more content, and your spouse
will feel more noticed and cherished.
Praying involves thinking. If you
pray only about what needs to change,
it can foster an unhealthy attitude
toward your spouse. Before I bring up
any issues about my wife with God,
I list things I’m thankful for. After
all, I’m talking about His daughter
(1 John 3:1; Ephesians 5:1), and no
dad wants to hear his son-in-law
focusing on his daughter’s weaknesses
while ignoring her strengths. >>>
Appreciating your spouse will
strengthen your marriage—and
change you
BY GARY THOMAS
PHOTOS BY
THE BEAUTIFUL MESS
AT FIRST IT LOOKED LIKE
THE WORST GIFT EVER.
I could read the expression on my
wife’s, Lisa’s, face: “Why would you
give this to me?”
Lisa held the stationery-store
journal and thought (she later told
me), You know I don’t like to journal.
Please don’t ask me to do this.
But then she noticed it was
stamped for the previous year, and
the entries were already filled in.
The first page read, “Lisa’s Lovely
Ways.” Each day that year, I’d written
down something about her I was
thankful for or some quality I
admired that blessed me.
When she saw that, she cried.
“You found 365 things to say? Like,
even on my ornery days?”
My daughter said, “Sheesh, Dad,
that’s like something you see in a
Hallmark movie that nobody ever
really does.”
Gratitude doesn’t come naturally
to me or most people. The way our
brains work, we tend to stop noticing
the commonplace. For instance,
if you live by railroad tracks, trains
likely don’t keep you up at night
because your brain has learned to
ignore the sounds.
The same thing can happen in
marriage. As the years go by, we
tend to stop noticing our spouses’
strengths. If your spouse has a great
sense of humor or a deep faith, or
is an incredible parent, eventually
your brain won’t register these
strengths as special. The things
you once admired most about your
spouse become commonplace, and
you stop noticing them. As a pastor,
I regularly see people who are
acutely aware of what their spouses
aren’t doing and are blind to what
they are doing.
TERRIANA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
12
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
OctOber / NOvember 2021
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13
cOuples / THanKFULneSS
COnFLiCT / cOuples
Why my wife cried
Filling in that journal for Lisa was a
powerful experience for me. Every
morning, I had to come up with
something new. In expressing my
thanks for Lisa, I couldn’t write
down the same thing 10 or even five
times without it losing its power.
As the months passed, I asked God
to remind me of something praiseworthy
Lisa had done. By summer,
I started “scanning” Lisa throughout
the day, eager to catch something
I could write in the journal. I was literally
training my brain to look for
the positive and ignore the negative.
What happens to a husband when
his first thought each day is focused on
something wonderful about his wife?
Here’s what it did for me: It
changed the way I thought about
Lisa, talked about Lisa, prayed for
Lisa and talked to Lisa. That journal
was a gift to me long before I
presented it to her. It fostered an attitude
of gratitude in me. It made me
feel like a different husband who had
a different wife.
Expressing thankfulness for your
spouse is like feeding your lawn.
Your marriage may be dry and
malnourished, but you can restore it
to a lush green. Our first summer in
Houston, when our lawn-care knowledge
was a bit lacking, we awoke to
a brown wasteland. My wife did her
research for the area and discovered
that the lawn just needed to be fed.
Two weeks later it was fine.
As we approach the holidays, let’s
consider how we can feed our marriages
with thanksgiving. •
Gary thomas is the author of more than 20
books, including Sacred Marriage, Cherish, and
the recently revised and updated bestseller A
Lifelong Love: Discovering how intimacy with
God breathes passion into your marriage.
TERRIANA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
5 strategies
for strengthening
your relationship
BY HOLLEY GERTH
“I REALLY WANT TO GO to our
neighborhood Christmas get-together,”
Therese told her husband, Heath. “I think
it’s important for us to get to know our
neighbors.”
Heath looked up from his book. “Why?
We don’t do anything with those people all
year long. I’d rather stay home.”
“We don’t do anything with them
because you never want to.” Therese loved
hanging out with people, but Heath, after
working long hours at his job, preferred
staying in. Frustrated, Therese stared at
her husband and wondered, Why can’t
you be more like me?
As a counselor and life coach, I’ve
encountered many people struggling in
their marriages with similar situations.
We think if our spouses would be more
like us, life would be better. >>>
14
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
OctOber / NOvember 2021
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15
cOuples / COnFLiCT
COnFLiCT / cOuples
From “I do” to “I don’t”
When we meet our future spouses, our differences
often draw us together. She’s loud, and he’s quiet.
She’s dramatic, and he’s dependable. He loves
adventure, and she loves an evening on the couch
watching a good movie. Perhaps we love these differences
when we say, “I do,” but over time, we may
unintentionally start saying, “I don’t.”
• I don’t understand why he acts this way.
• I don’t know how to love her well right now.
• I don’t think he’s happy, even though I’m
trying hard.
This disconnect can happen for many reasons,
but one of the most prevalent I’ve seen in my work
is that each spouse has a different personality type.
A people person is married to a private person. The
life of the party is married to a wallflower.
When I look at the Creation story in Genesis,
I see many complementary pairings—day and night,
land and sea, masculine and feminine. I believe
God made another complementary pairing—introvert
and extrovert.
You may have married someone you wish were
like you. But you can actually become a more powerful
team by understanding and embracing your
spouse’s differences. Here are five strategies to help
you appreciate your differences and leverage them
to build a stronger marriage.
Understand what makes
your spouse different
EXTROVERT DAVE married introvert Sarah.
Sarah loves Christmas, so Dave planned a surprise
holiday party. He worked on it for weeks and
invited all of Sarah’s friends and acquaintances.
After the party, Sarah walked into the kitchen and
said, “I’m exhausted.”
Dave hoped to hear, “That was so fun. You’re
amazing!” Disappointed, he said, “Nothing I do is
ever good enough for you.”
Sarah felt misunderstood; Dave felt unappreciated.
No one was happy.
For introvert-extrovert couples, having a happy
marriage may mean two very different things since
the ways they experience happiness is different.
Extroverts, who rely more on dopamine to
energize them, usually experience happiness as
enthusiasm and excitement. While introverts, who
rely more on acetylcholine to relax them, often
Learn what happiness
means to your spouse
experience happiness as calm and contentment.
If Dave and Sarah had known the difference
between introvert and extrovert happiness, they
could have avoided misunderstandings and hurt
feelings. Dave might have considered, How can I
help Sarah experience more calm and contentment
during this crazy holiday season? Then, instead
of planning a surprise party, he could have taken
Sarah out for a quiet dinner for two or given her
time alone to enjoy wrapping Christmas presents
and getting into the Christmas spirit.
To understand your spouse’s version of happiness,
ask, “What does happiness actually feel like to
you?” As your spouse describes the experience of
happiness, encourage him or her to use synonyms,
such as calm, exciting or any other happiness words
your spouse can think of. Then share your happiness
words as well.
THE FIRST STEP to embracing the
differences in your relationship is
overcoming myths and misunderstandings
about what it means to
be an introvert or extrovert. It’s not
about how much someone likes
small talk. Instead, our brains and
nervous systems determine whether
we are introverts or extroverts.
Neurotransmitters are chemical
messengers that help shape our
responses and behavior. Extroverts
feel their best with a neurotransmitter
called dopamine, which acts like
caffeine. It revs us up and is released
when we have a lot coming at us from
the outside, like at a dinner party.
In contrast, introverts feel best with a
different neurotransmitter, acetylcholine,
which works more like herbal tea. The
chemical is released when we do things
like turn inward, focus on a project or
have meaningful conversations.
Nervous systems. In general, extroverts
expend energy and introverts
conserve it. The autonomic nervous
system includes two divisions: sympathetic
and parasympathetic. While
we all use both, Dr. Marti Olsen
Laney says in The Introvert Advantage,
“Extroverts are linked with the dopamine/adrenaline,
energy-spending,
sympathetic nervous system, [and]
introverts are connected with the
acetylcholine, energy-conserving,
parasympathetic nervous system.”
Brain pathways. An extrovert’s primary
pathway for processing is shorter,
more straightforward and externally
focused. Extroverts rely more
on short-term memory, the here and
now. An introvert’s primary pathway
for processing is longer, more complex
and internally focused. It draws
more from long-term memory, taking
into consideration the past, present
and future. Because of the way they
process, introverts often need longer
to respond.
These biological differences matter,
because without understanding
the wiring of introverts and extroverts,
we can easily assume that our
spouses act in the ways they do simply
out of preference or stubbornness
rather than because God intentionally
designed them to be that way.
MICHELLE, who is an extrovert,
and John, who is an introvert, work
together in a family-owned business.
They’ve made it through a challenging
year, and Michelle wanted John
to know how much she appreciated
his hard work and commitment.
On the next team Zoom call, she
publicly praised John, and then asked
him to say a few words. Put on the spot,
John felt awkward and couldn’t wait to
Adjust your lovelanguage
volume
get off the call. Michelle spoke his love
language, words of affirmation, but
she spoke it in a volume that was hard
for him to receive. He wished that
Michelle had expressed her affirmation
privately or in a handwritten note.
Many couples who try to make
their marriages happier turn to
the five love languages Dr. Gary
Chapman identified—words of affirmation,
quality time, acts of service,
physical touch and gifts. But sometimes
extroverts can unintentionally
“shout” their love at their introvert
spouse, as Michelle did with John.
Though she expressed love in his language,
it would have been better if
she had toned it down so he could
accept it.
Once you know your spouse’s love
language, ask yourself, What volume
will work best? >>>
16
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
OctOber / NOvember 2021
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17
Take our
FREE
marriage
assessment
AS AN EXTROVERT, Paul likes
to have activities most evenings.
Amanda, an introvert who interacts
all day with their two kids, hits
her social limit by the time Paul gets
home from work. When she tells
Paul, “I need a break from the kids,”
he interprets that as a desire to get
out of the house. So he tells Amanda,
“We’re having dinner with the Smiths
Friday night!” She feels guilty for
needing time alone, so she replies,
“Great!” Over time, Amanda is
headed for burnout and resentment.
Because of the way they’re wired,
extroverts are more energized
by external stimulation (what’s
happening around them), while
introverts are more energized by
internal stimulation (what’s happening
within them). Extroverts
become drained when they
don’t have enough going on, and
introverts become drained when too
much is happening.
Introvert-extrovert couples need
to be strategic about getting both
of their energy needs met. A starting
place can be an energy audit.
Individually, write down everything
you do for a day or a week. Put a plus
sign by what energizes you, a minus
sign by what drains you and a question
mark if you’re not sure. Then take
time to go through your lists together.
The goal isn’t for you both to eliminate
all your minuses; those are part of
life. It’s seeing whether you can make
some changes that will help each of
you get your energy needs met. If
you’re an extrovert, that may mean
you both go out Friday night, but then
you take the kids to the park Saturday
afternoon so your introvert spouse can
enjoy a nap. Both of your energy needs
are equally valid; they’re just different.
Embrace the power
of those differences
COnFLiCT / cOuples
Start today!
/MarriageAssessment
Pay attention to your
different energy needs
A TURNING POINT in introvert-extrovert marriages
happens when you can see as strengths what
you typically view as your spouse’s weaknesses or
struggles. For example, if you wish your spouse
were more outgoing, remind yourself how his or
her calm, steady presence brings peace to your
home. When you’re caught in critical thoughts,
ask yourself, What’s the hidden strength in this?
and How was I drawn to this quality when we were
dating?
God placed you with your opposite to make
you stronger. When you stop focusing on your differences
and allow them to motivate you instead,
you’ll find you can accomplish more as a team than
individually.
My husband, Mark, and I have gone on a breakfast
date once a week for nearly 20 years. Early in
our marriage we tried to communicate but kept
ending up disconnected. Our culture portrays love
as a feeling, but in many ways it’s a skill. And, like
all skills, it takes practice.
Mark and I needed uninterrupted, face-to-face
time with each other. Scheduling time together
allowed us to shift from reacting to responding in
our relationship. Gradually, we learned to have
conversations rooted more in curiosity than criticism,
and the skills we developed eventually spilled
over into other areas of our life.
From a brain-science perspective, when we sit
across from someone and deeply focus on that
person, we activate our mirror neurons. These neurons
allow us to “sync up” to another person in
God-designed ways that deepen our empathy and
understanding. Intentional time with each other is
one of the most transformational tools in any relationship.
And when you’re together, one of the most
powerful questions you can ask is, “How can I love
you well right now?”
When you begin to appreciate your differences as
a couple, you are also better able to extend patience
and understanding to each other. Ultimately,
embracing your differences will help you see your
spouse’s personality not as an obstacle but as a
God-given gift that makes you a more powerful
team. As Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes 4:9, “Two
are better than one, because they have a good
reward for their toil.” •
Holley Gerth is a counselor and life coach. She is the author of
The Powerful Purpose of Introverts: Why the world needs you
to be you.
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19
cOuples / reCOMMiTMenT
reCOMMiTMenT / cOuples
an unexpected proposal
After two kids and 25 years of marriage,
mike told his family he was leaving. they
all thought it was forever
BY THOMAS JEFFRIES
mike and Julie
PHOTOS COURTESY OF MIKE AND JULIE
COFFEECHOCOLATES, LUDA311, EZSTUDIOPHOTO / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
A YOUNG BOY NAMED
MIKE OWNS A BB GUN.
He’s not allowed to keep it loaded—
he’s only 8, after all—but today’s
events are making him reconsider
this particular policy. His parents
are screaming at each other, and he’s
scared.
The boy loads his gun, just in case
he has to protect his mother.
Of course his parents find out, and
Mike’s father insists he would never
hurt Mom. Youthful optimism hopes
things will improve, but the wallpaper
spattered with spaghetti attests to yet
another argument. Eventually, Mike
learns that his parents are divorcing.
Mike has no way of knowing what
his parents are teaching him by not
teaching him anything at all. He
never learns to compromise, to consider
others’ feelings, to share, to be
vulnerable. By age 9, what Mike has
learned is to internalize every concern,
to hold in every emotion—to
handle them by himself and within
himself.
“I learned early on how to build
walls,” he says, “to protect me and
to isolate me. I either dealt with
problems on my own or buried them.
Most got buried.”
Mike’s good friend is an older neighbor
girl. The two live next door to
each other in Dallas, attend the same
schools, grow up in the same church.
“Being friends with me meant you
only saw what I was willing to show
you, and that wasn’t much.”
He keeps building walls, and by
the time he’s an adult, Mike is living
behind a fortress. No one is getting in.
Building barriers
A girl named Julie sits in church. She
and her family attend every Sunday,
morning and night. Wednesday evenings,
too. From an early age, the girl
knows she wants a job as opposed
to a career, so she can devote more
time to family.
Julie likes spending time with
friends, kids like the boy next door.
She’s a couple of years older than
Mike, but that doesn’t really matter
once they are in college. They marry
in 1983, and Julie discovers that her
relationship with Mike is nothing like
her parents’ marriage.
“My parents were very selfless, so
that is what I learned by watching
them,” Julie says. “Mike’s parents
were very selfish, so that is what he
grew up absorbing. He brought isolation
into our marriage.”
Mike has no idea what a healthy
relationship looks like, no clue about
genuine intimacy, not a single notion
about resolving conflict and absolutely
no one to model it for him.
Instead, Mike shares with Julie the
skills he’s developed: Butting heads.
Acting distant. Leading separate lives.
Most of all, he shows her how to erect
emotional barriers of her own.
“I learned to build walls to protect
me from hurt and unmet expectations,”
Julie says. “Unknowingly, I
mentally compared him to how my
dad led our family, and Mike had
absolutely no role model for any of his
growing up, so he failed miserably.”
Julie can tell something is wrong,
yet has no idea how to fix it. All she
knows is that she grew up in a happy
home, and this one definitely isn’t.
Unsure of what to do, she responds
to Mike’s behavior with the silent
treatment. Another wall between her
and Mike. >>>
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OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 21
cOuples / reCOMMiTMenT
Faith & Inspiration
A surprise announcement
For 25 years they coexist. Their union
has become a chasm, their happiness
a charade. They even hide the
truth from their two children. In
December 2007, Mike makes a surprise
announcement.
“My dad said he was moving to
Virginia, and my mom was not
invited,” says their daughter, Kelly.
“I think it was a shock to everyone.”
Kelly is in high school, her older
brother in college, the whole family in
free fall. Julie must navigate the chaos
in Dallas, alone.
After her husband leaves, she takes
a full-time job and sells their house.
She also starts listening to Christian
radio, in particular a program called
pass, she pays special attention to
the shows in which couples discuss
the impact their family environment
had on their marriage. It has never
occurred to her before, but when Julie
considers everything that happened
in their dysfunctional, loveless relationship,
it all makes perfect sense.
In the meantime, Julie says, God
has gotten Mike’s attention. He
breaks up with the woman he’s been
mike and Julie (center) with family members randi,
craig, Kelly, cale and Hadley Grace (left to right)
seeing, and in 2015 he writes a nearly
2,000-word apology:
Julie, I want to tell you how very
sorry I am for what I did to you, for
how much I hurt you. You never
deserved anything like that. I know
you’re probably wondering, Where is
this coming from? Well, for the last
many, many months, God has been
working in my life. . . .
Mike and Julie start talking again.
Around 2016, one of them mentions
something they’d heard on the radio.
The other one says, “I heard that, too.”
“We came to realize that we were
both listening to the same
the Family broadcasts every morning,
five days a week,” Julie says, “and had
been doing so for over a year.”
In 2017 Mike invites Julie to visit
Virginia, and they spend the time
walking and talking. Mike finally
reveals everything about his past—the
good, the bad and the tragically sad.
“After a few days, he said he felt the
Lord was leading him to remarry,”
Julie says. “I asked, ‘Oh, who do you
think you will marry?’ ”
“You.”
LISTEN NOW!
Counselors Milan and Kay
Yerkovich discuss how to grow
your marriage in times of stress.
Tearing down walls
Julie is stunned. She wants to remain
friendly for the sake of their children;
remarrying Mike was never a consideration.
Still, Julie can’t deny she’s
intrigued by the idea of tearing down
past walls and rebuilding their family.
In 2018 they agree to meet up again
at a Disney resort. For five days they
talk and talk and talk some more. In
this fairy-tale setting, Julie realizes
she’s falling in love again—not with
the old Mike, but with this changed
man and his renewed heart.
Mike moves back to Texas in 2019,
and together they spend the next five
months in a re-engagement class.
Eleven years after they divorced, Mike
and Julie remarry.
“Never in my wildest dreams,” says
their daughter, Kelly, “did I think my
family would be whole again.”
Julie says their relationship today is
what the Lord originally intended for
their marriage. They regularly attempt
to “out-serve” each other, and they
use the inevitable challenges as
opportunities to love unconditionally.
Mike and Julie also practice what
they’ve learned via the radio, knowing
from experience how God can
use those stories to transform broken
people—people just like them. •
CREDIT COFFEECHOCOLATES, TK
LUDA311, EZSTUDIOPHOTO / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
CREDIT TK
skipping grace?
the mealtime blessing that
drew my neighbors together
BY FARRAH ADKINS
ILLUSTRATION BY GAIL ARMSTRONG
WHEN MY FAMILY AND I
moved to a new state, our neighbors
welcomed us with open arms. They
had neighborhood get-togethers
and potlucks, and we were invited to
these frequent gatherings.
At our first event, my husband joined
the men in the living room, and my
daughter headed to play with the other
children. I ended up in the kitchen,
trying to fit in and make new friends.
Fitting in
When it was time to eat, everyone
came together, got their plates of
food and started eating as they continued
their conversations. Standing
and holding my plate, I didn’t give
much thought to anything but getting
to know my new neighbors—until I
heard a child’s voice behind me.
“Mommy, she won’t eat,” the child
said to her mother.
“Why not?” the woman asked. “Is
something wrong?”
“She won’t eat because we didn’t
say a blessing.”
The realization quickly dawned
on me. They were talking about my
6-year-old daughter.
Standing out
As I stood with my mouth full of food,
I was so proud of her and so ashamed
of myself. No one there knew I was a
Christian, but in that moment, they
all knew my daughter was.
Christianity was not as prominent
in our new northern town as it had
been in our previous city in the Bible
Belt. I had even heard one of our
neighbors vocalize her disgust over
the born-again stuff being “pushed
down her throat.”
Now I held my breath to see how
this group would react to my daughter’s
stand. Amazingly, everyone
stopped eating as someone asked
my daughter to thank God for the
food. It was a beautiful gesture from
kind people. And for the two years
we lived in that neighborhood, everyone
respected my daughter’s desire to
pray before meals.
Loving neighbors
I’ll never forget our last neighborhood
gathering. It was a Christmas
dinner our next-door neighbor
hosted—the same neighbor who had
initially announced her opposition
to anyone who tried to tell her about
Jesus and becoming a Christian.
With all our neighbors gathered
around her table, our host instructed
everyone to hold hands as we
thanked God for the meal. Through
a 6-year-old child, God had an entire
neighborhood holding hands and
praying together. That day I witnessed
a seed growing that God had used my
daughter to plant. •
Farrah Adkins is a freelance writer who
shares her faith through articles, stories and
devotions.
22
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
OctOber / NOvember 2021
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23
FAITH & INSPIRATION / MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT
MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT / FAITH & INSPIRATION
M eet
Jean-Paul
Beran
shares how his complicated past has given him a
passion for helping families find hope in Christ
BY AMY VAN VEEN AND TODD FOLEY
PHOTOS BY CLINT BARGEN
AT FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CANADA,
OUR HEART IS TO HELP FAMILIES
THRIVE because we know first-hand how many of us
carry burdens from childhood into adulthood. Our family
of origin has a huge impact on how we build relationships
with others, participate in society and understand
who God is, but when our family of origin was not a safe
place, we don’t get that healthy foundation—and we
struggle with how to break the cycle of brokenness in our
own family.
This is something Jean-Paul Beran,
Canada’s new president, knows all too well.
“My heart for the importance of family and serving at
that happened within my family,” he explains. “That’s why
I’m honored to come to
struggling in their marriage and family relationships.”
As children, we believe our immediate family is normal
and we often don’t question if it’s healthy or unhealthy,
safe or unsafe. Many of us don’t sort through the patterns
we learned as children until well into adulthood. For Jean-
Paul, it wasn’t until his first daughter was born that he was
confronted with how his unresolved past was determining
the person he was becoming.
Growing up with brokenness
“My dad was a very successful businessman,” Jean-Paul
recalls, “but there was a lot of abuse, physical and mental,
from my father to me in particular and to my mother.”
In addition to abuse, his father’s alcoholism and continuous
infidelity resulted in his parents’ separation. Despite
his mom waiting for her husband to return, five years
passed with no change in his behavior. After meeting a
wonderful man, his mother divorced and remarried—they
have been married for over 30 years. As divorce was highly
frowned upon at the school she was working for at the time,
she was fired and stripped of her pension.
“She turned her back to the Lord from that point forward,”
he explains. Because of that, Jean-Paul’s heart also hardened
to the Lord. Thankfully when he was a young adult,
God opened his eyes to the truth, grace and beauty of a
personal one-on-one relationship with Jesus Christ.
As he began the next chapter of his life knowing he was
saved by the blood of Christ, sorting through the brokenness
of his past did not happen overnight. He was on a
challenging journey of discovering who God created him
to be.
Jean-Paul and his wife, Susan,
celebrate 25 years of marriage this year
Sorting through the past
“My dad was an abusive alcoholic, so he has addiction
issues and issues with staying with one woman,” Jean-Paul
explains. “Growing up, my relationship with him was like
any child’s—I thought he was the best. I thought that was
normal. Dad has girlfriends, Dad drinks, Dad hits you, Dad
yells at you. That’s normal because that’s all I knew.”
As a result, the first year of marriage to his wife, Susan,
was very difficult. They were both believers, but they came
into their marriage with two starkly different views of marriage
and family. “There was fighting every day, yelling—it
was just horrible,” he explains. “But again, my background
says that’s normal.”
Since they shared a commitment to the Lord, they knew
they needed help and found a Christian counselor to help
them sort through the brokenness. By God’s grace, they’re
excited to be celebrating 25 years of marriage this year.
As a young Christian still sorting through what he
thought was normal, Jean-Paul’s career was similar to his
father’s—it revolved around being outgoing with clients
and drinking a lot. It wasn’t until his wife announced she
was pregnant with their first child that he was forced to
question whose example he was following and why.
“I had a one-on-one with Jesus when my wife said she
was pregnant,” he recalls. “I got scared and thought, If I’m
going to be a dad, do I want to be like my dad? Or do I want
to be a father like my Heavenly Father? Which one am I
going to choose? It was a hard choice. However, I chose to
be more like my Heavenly Father for my family rather than
24
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
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OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 25
FAITH & INSPIRATION / MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT
MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT / FAITH & INSPIRATION
following my own earthly father’s model. I stopped drinking
completely over 15 years ago when my daughter was
born, and I refocused my career by no longer entertaining
clients with drinking. Honestly, I was fearful that my career
would go sideways.”
In fact, the complete opposite happened.
When he made an intentional choice to follow in his
Heavenly Father’s footsteps, his career took off, his relationship
with his wife grew stronger, his friendships deepened,
and he could be the father his daughters needed.
“Through that process,” he remembers, “I realized that
my role model of a dad that I thought was normal was distorted
and I needed to see that my role model is who the
Bible says my Heavenly Father is. God is who I strived to be
like. Then I could build a Christ-centered foundation in my
own family life.”
Being the dad God called him to be
As a child, his father’s career took priority over his relationship
with Jean-Paul. When his own daughters were young,
Jean-Paul felt God offering a different path—an opportunity
to break the cycle of brokenness that can so easily run
through our families. He sold his partnership in his firm
and became a stay-at-home dad.
“My children got to see me as the dad that does the cooking,
the cleaning, the driving to appointments, the dad that
they come to when they are going through issues and crying
on my shoulder,” he remembers. “It was an amazing
experience to build a foundation with them at that age.”
Now that his girls are teenagers, their relationship is
different from when they were young, but the most important
elements are there—trust, connection and safety. His
daughters are growing up in the home environment Jean-
Paul needed as a child—an environment where family is
priority, where they know they are loved, and where they
feel safe to share honestly what’s on their heart, without
fear of judgment or condemnation.
“I feel it is so important how
those who are struggling in their marriage and family,”
he explains. “Regardless of where they’re at, there are
resources for them. It is so exciting that they can say, ‘I
need help’ and we can say, ‘I’ve got you.’ As someone
who’s been through that, I understand the importance of
first having the courage to ask for help, and second being
able to help people—not only with prayer, but with practical
guidance.”
Living a Christ-centered life
At the time of this interview, Jean-Paul’s father is in end-oflife
care. Since the beginning of this year, Jean-Paul has set
aside time to spend with his father at the care facility he’s in,
which has also allowed him to give his stepmother a muchneeded
break. “I’ve been able to spend more time with him
in the last year than I have as an adult ever,” he explains.
“This has given me the opportunity to heal my own heart
and tell him that I love him.”
When his stepmother asks why he’s doing this, he tells
her, “Why wouldn’t I? Because of my role model being
my Heavenly Father, I can be a son to my earthly father as
well, without anger and resentment.” By following Christ’s
example of grace, love and forgiveness, Jean-Paul’s children
are able to have strong relationships with their
paternal grandfather and step-grandmother—they call her
Babi (Czech for “Grandma”).
As he begins this new chapter with
Canada, Jean-Paul feels Jesus is teaching him to be humble,
to be a listener and to practice servant-leadership. He
is continually encouraged by the words of Psalm 73:23-24:
“Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right
hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you
will receive me to glory.” •
Amy Van Veen is editorial manager and Todd Foley is a freelance writer
for
NEED HELP?
Call
1.800.661.9800, email help@fotf.ca or visit
Q&A with Jean-Paul
Q: What do the Berans do for fun?
A: We live in Vancouver, BC, so in the winters we
try to take advantage of the local ski hills, play
in the snow and have hot chocolate as often
as we can. We’re an athletic family, so I coach
my daughters’ soccer team. In the summers, we
go out on the water, go hiking and go camping.
We have a dog named Luna, so we walk a lot
in the forest, at the beach, and through our
neighborhood.
Q: Why do you prioritize dinner as a family?
A: From day one, my wife, Susan, and I wanted to
have dinner as a family every night because we
know it is so important to have that time together.
Some days are filled with laughter, stories and
really great conversations. Other days, we may be
tired and the table is quiet—but sitting in silence
is good too because it will bring conversation
over time.
Q: What’s something people would be
surprised to learn about you?
A: Both my parents are immigrants to Canada—
my father is from the Czech Republic and my
mother is an Indigenous Venezuelan woman.
While I look Caucasian, with blue eyes and ginger
hair, I am very proud of my Latin roots. I am also
fluent in English, French and speak a little Spanish.
Q: Any words of encouragement for
the reader?
A: Don’t give up hope, don’t give up your trust in
the Lord. Jesus loves you for who you are, regardless
of your brokenness, regardless of the shame
you might feel. God loves you, period. That’s
coming straight from my heart. We all live in brokenness,
but God is with us at all times, from our
darkest and lowest points to our highest points.
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FAITH & INSPIRATION / REFLECTION
Kids & Teens
sleepless
jealousy
Letting go of my grudge
helped me appreciate
my husband and focus
on God’s character
BY KRYSTLE PORTER
AS A MOM OF FIVE, I feel
as though I haven’t had a decent
night’s sleep in more than 11 years.
My husband is wonderful—and a
great dad—but he’s a deep sleeper.
Combine sleepless kids with his deep
dozes, and it’s a recipe for marital
disaster.
In those early years, I’d try to wake
him, but most often I was left to care
for a crying baby alone. When morning
finally dawned, I’d be physically
drained and jealous of my husband’s
glorious full night of sleep.
Hurt feelings
As our family continued to grow, I
developed an unhealthy way of voicing
my frustrations. I’d sarcastically say,
“How nice it must be to get a full night’s
rest,” or “You better not yawn today.”
I’m not sure my husband knew how to
respond. And my behavior did nothing
to solve my predicament.
I knew I needed to release the hurt
and bitterness I was harboring, but
I didn’t know how. As I began to seek
God more and reflect on the qualities
of humility, gentleness and patience
from Ephesians 4:2, He gently showed
me what I needed to focus on.
The Lord also showed me that my
husband had limitations—and that
was OK. I had my own set of limitations.
They just looked different
from his. I started seeing with fresh
eyes that my husband offered me his
best in other areas—things I equally
needed and appreciated.
A much-needed rest
My gratefulness for my husband and
my new gentler manner didn’t solve
the other half of the problem, however.
I needed sleep. After talking it
over, we agreed that I could nap in the
morning after he was up and I had
nursed the baby. This small change
allowed me to get an extra 20 minutes
of sleep—and wow, that helped!
Fast-forward 10 years. I no longer
expect my husband to respond to
my needs if I don’t voice them. I’ve
learned that if I set aside my emotions
when I talk with my husband,
he is better able to hear and address
the problem. When I stopped dropping
hints and started discussing my
needs and grievances openly, our
communication quickly improved. •
Krystle Porter is a co-author and contributor at
Help Club for Moms, a ministry for moms with
kids of all ages.
LISTEN NOW!
Tune in as Mari Jo Mast, Deb
Weakly and Krystle Porter
discuss the unique challenges of
motherhood, offering insights on
marriage and dependence on God.
279PHOTO CREDIT TK / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
CREDIT PHOTO BY TK ERIN DRAGO
sibling
appreciation
A parenting activity
from Linsey Driskill
I WANTED MY TRIPLETS
to spend more time appreciating one
another, so I cut out a bunch of small
tickets from yellow construction
paper and introduced my children to
Sibling Appreciation Week.
First we talked about the Golden
Rule (Matthew 7:12) and how Jesus
asks us to treat others as we want
to be treated. I then told each child
to look for ways their siblings were
nice to them or others and to write
what they saw on a golden ticket,
beginning with: “Thank you for ______.”
Using painter’s tape, they stuck the
golden tickets in their siblings’ bedrooms
(but not in hidden places like
inside drawers). Each day after everyone
had done this, I told my children,
“Go find your golden tickets!”
My triplets had so much fun
searching for and reading their tickets
that they kept them and then taped
them up again to reread. They also
surprised my husband and me with
golden tickets, and we wrote some for
them as well.
After our Sibling Appreciation
Week, I let my kids know they could
still surprise their siblings with tickets
whenever they noticed one of
them following the Golden Rule. My
daughter said to me, “Instead of
repaying wrong for wrong, it’s like
christian, Gracie, bates, brooklyn and Linsey
we’re repaying right for right.” •
Linsey Driskill is a speaker and author who
is passionate about encouraging families in
following Jesus. Her devotional, Beautiful
Hearted Women of the Bible: A creative
mother-daughter devotional, fosters connection
with one another and Jesus through stories,
questions, prayers and activities.
NEW
Shop.
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OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 29
KIDS & TEENS / ADAPTABILITY
ADAPTABILITY / KIDS & TEENS
IS YOUR CHILD
OVERWHELMED
BY FEAR, ANXIETY
OR WORRY?
Get to the heart
of what’s bothering
your kids with simple,
nonthreatening
questions
BY MICHELLE NIETERT
childhood
fears
“MOM, I DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE.” My 10-yearold
son touched my arm to get my attention. I had
been on the phone with my sister-in-law talking
about wills, not realizing he was overhearing our
conversation.
Turning to him, I said, “I know that’s an incredibly
scary thought. And I’m sorry you overheard
that conversation. While I can’t promise that could
never happen, I want you to know that losing a parent
while you’re still a kid is really rare. Although if
it did happen, who could help you with it?”
He thought a moment. “God.”
“How could He help you?”
“He would be there. He would listen to me pray.
He would know I would be sad.”
Because my son spoke up about something that
frightened him, we could begin to address and
defuse his fear.
FOTF BRIAN MELLEMA
FIND WHAT’S WRONG
Unfortunately, kids don’t always tell us what’s bothering
them. Their behavior or body language might
give us clues—like fighting, fleeing or freezing up.
But it’s often up to parents to figure out how to help
kids share and overcome their fears.
And it’s so important that we do. When fears take
root, they can evolve into anxiety, depression and
even suicidal thoughts. As parents, we long to provide
love and support to our kids. But when one of our
children is suffering, we can find ourselves feeling
lost without a map to help us navigate the problem.
As a counselor, I direct parents to ways they can
help their kids open up and overcome their fears.
Here’s how you can move in this direction:
ASK NONTHREATENING
QUESTIONS
When my daughter, then 7, landed a small role in
a community performance, she was really excited.
But as we drove home together after the first performance,
I looked at her face and could tell something
was wrong. My guess was that she was disappointed
that no one in the audience had come up to her after
the show to ask her to sign their program.
I asked, “Is there anything you wished were different
tonight?”
She looked at her hands. “No one came up and
talked to me after the show.”
First I let her tell me the problem, even though I had
correctly guessed it. I said, “I can see how that would
be disappointing because of all the times you’ve gone
to shows and have asked actors to sign your program.”
At the root of her disappointment was the fear
that she was invisible, that no one saw her. That’s a
dangerous lie. But I could easily have missed it.
Forcing kids to talk when they aren’t in the right
frame of mind rarely gets the right results. But when
we ask simple, nonthreatening questions, we can
invite them to share.
CREATE UNHURRIED CONNECTION
When our children are little, bedtime prayers, stories,
Scriptures and snuggles cultivate a peaceful
ending to long days. As kids mature, we can be
tempted to replace familiar bedtime rituals with a
quick hug and kiss good night. But don’t do it.
As kids—especially older kids—wait to fall asleep,
their brains keep going. Fears and negative thoughts
about themselves, their world and their future can
easily surface. So bedtime traditions can be reassuring.
Here’s a simple bedtime tradition I practice with
my kids. As we snuggle, I ask these questions:
• What’s something great about God?
• What’s something you can tell
God you’re sorry for that you
did wrong today?
• What’s something you can thank
Him for that He did for you today?
• What’s something you can ask
Him for?
Sometimes their answers reveal hidden fears.
One night my son answered the last question by
saying, “I can ask Him to help me sleep well tonight
and not be afraid when you leave.” That was a fear
I had no idea existed—and might not have discovered
otherwise.
Bedtime isn’t the only time to connect with our
kids. A friend told me she often takes her daughter
to paint pottery at the mall—especially if her daughter
seems troubled about something.
“When we’re painting, there’s no pressure to talk,”
my friend explained. “But the fact that there’s no
pressure to talk—along with the relaxing distraction
that painting provides—makes it pretty easy to slip
in and out of conversations about serious or intimate
topics.” >>>
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 31
KIDS & TEENS / ADAPTABILITY
riverbend
friends
childhood
anxieties
A new series
for teen girls
LISTEN NOW!
MY DAUGHTER CAME TO THE BEDROOM after
I had gone to bed. She couldn’t fall asleep because
she was overwhelmed with the amount of schoolwork
she had that week.
Instead of delving deeper into her emotions, I
asked if I could pray for her. I embraced her and
asked God to give her peace, ease her stress, and
move on her behalf. When I pray with and for my
children, I often remind them that God answers
in His own timing and in His own way—and that
sometimes His answer may be different from what
we had hoped for.
But that night, God answered quickly, and in a way
that exceeded our expectations. While we were still
praying, a teacher sent out a late-night email postponing
a test that had been scheduled for the next
day. My daughter and I rejoiced together at God’s
speedy answer. Like my daughter, kids are often anxious
about areas surrounding their school life.
SCHOOL WORRIES
For some kids, school is a fun place. They feel successful
and embraced. For others, it’s a source of
anxiety—especially after their experiences with
online classes, masks and scary news. Here are
some conversation starters you can use to help your
child open up about school-related fears:
• Is there anything about school you
wish were different?
• How are you feeling about school this
year? What are you excited about?
What are you nervous about?
• Is there someone new in your class
that we could invite over this week?
• If you have a problem at school, what
could you do? Who could you tell?
• Do you ever think how God is with
you, even while you’re at school? How
might you act differently at school if
you truly believed this?
Dr. Josh and Christi Straub offer
ways to help kids navigate worry
in healthy ways.
CHANGING THE FOCUS
Whether my kids’ anxiety stems from school or
something else—culture, news, failure, friends—
what they feel is real to them. If I sense that one
of my children is really worried, we worship God
through music. Worshiping God changes our focus
from us to Him.
Sometimes we do a simple exercise where we
inhale deeply—and imagine we’re “breathing
in” the love of God. Then we exhale—and imagine
we’re “breathing out” the worries of the world.
When my kids were younger, after having them
do this with me, I would ask, “Did that feel good?”
Once they answered, I’d ask them to do the same
exercise five more times on their own. I’d add,
“Maybe go outside. Close your eyes. Feel the wind
and sun that God has created.”
Sometimes now I’ll see my teenage daughter
standing on our back patio, eyes closed, completely
still, just breathing, and I know what she’s doing. >>>
Created by
Tessa, Izzy, Shay and Amelia
laugh together, lean on each
other, AD - Riverbend and most importantly, Friends
discover that God is a friend
who tk- have always contacted
has their back in
this Jan new Wilson book to series receive for girls
ages this 12 ad, to waiting 16. on a
response
• What’s a Scripture you could remember
to help you feel less nervous about
school?
• How can I pray for you while you’re
at school?
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Order online at
Shop.
or call 1.800.661.9800
KIDS & TEENS / ADAPTABILITY
ADAPTABILITY / KIDS & TEENS
school
fears
School fears can look different for each
child. Here is how other parents have
helped their children:
responding well
to their fears and
anxieties
EVEN WHEN WE INVITE OUR KIDS TO TALK, they may not
be in the mood to tell us what’s bothering them. So when they do
open up, we don’t want to shut them down. In other words, how
we respond can make or break the rest of the conversation. Here
are some helpful tips to keep your child talking:
• Listen attentively, fully focused on your child. Let him see the
love on your face and your genuine interest in his words.
• Encourage eye contact. As your child is sharing, she may
look away, which may make it easier for her to talk. That’s fine.
But as you respond, encourage her to look at you. When she
can see in your eyes that you aren’t upset or disappointed, your
response can help break any shame she might be feeling.
• Embolden your child to keep sharing by reflecting what
you heard, such as “Can you tell me more about __?” and asking
questions.
• Normalize their struggles by sharing stories you’ve heard or
things you’ve read, or even by briefly sharing a similar struggle
of your own.
• Avoid judgmental facial expressions or comments. You
may not always realize what your facial expression is communicating
or how your kids are interpreting it. So focus on looking
attentive and showing interest.
• Avoid spouting quick fixes. No matter how quickly you may
want to react to something, breathe deeply and count to 10, if
you must, before you respond. There will be time for a discussion
later. For now, force yourself to listen.
INVITE GOD INTO
THE CONVERSATION
Getting our children to open up about
their anxieties and worries—and
responding well so they keep talking—is
a great start. Sometimes just the act of
airing what is bothering them in a safe
environment is enough to cause their
fears and worries to dissipate, or at least
diminish power over them.
As our kids open up to us, we also have
a beautiful opportunity to broaden their
perspectives to include God.
Once again, use questions. You’ll
remember when I asked my son, “Who
could help you?” and he came up with his
own wonderful answer: “God.” Questions
often engage our children in ways that
help them come up with the right answer.
Try questions like these to help kids
focus on how good can come out of the
challenges they face:
• Can you think of a Bible story
in which someone faced a difficult
time, but in the end God
used it for good?
• Can you remember a time
when we prayed, and God
answered our prayers?
• What do you think God might
be saying to you?
You might be surprised at your children’s
answers. •
michelle Nietert is a licensed counselor and leads
a team of counselors. She is also a speaker and
an author. Her most recent book is Loved and
Cherished: 100 devotions for girls.
DAYTIME WORRIES
TO NIGHTTIME FEARS
When our family moved across the country with our three
boys, one of our sons entered an intense season of battling
fear. Making new friends at school and joining sports
teams as the new kid left him wondering if he would be
accepted and invited or alone and misunderstood.
He started having trouble sleeping as his daytime worries
translated to nighttime fears. We looked up Scripture
verses on fear and taped them to his bedroom door and
headboard. We prayed those verses together every night.
My husband and I prayed about how to handle this fear,
and we believe the Lord gave us two tangible ideas.
First, we let the family dog sleep in his room. We were
skeptical in the beginning, but the next morning our son
reported his first peaceful night’s sleep in weeks. God
used the presence of our family dog to remind our son of
God’s constant presence and protection over him. Our son
remembered that he is never truly alone.
Second, I created a Scripture pillowcase. The first and
last thing my son saw each day was the Word of God
reminding him that God had not given him a spirit of fear
but of power, love and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7). It took
a few weeks, but his fears eventually disappeared. Our son
says the presence of our dog and the comfort of his head
resting on God’s Word helped him overcome his fears and
sleep in peace again.
—Renee Robinson
TEACHER FRIGHT
Both of my daughters have had unfounded fears of one or
more teachers. The best way to deal with this, we’ve found,
is to find out what those teachers liked best. Each daughter
had one week to ask the teacher what her favorite color
was, what she ate for lunch or what she did over the weekend.
At the end of the week, we bought a few small things
that the teacher liked, and the daughter delivered them to
school with a handmade card. Both of our girls gained a lot
of confidence and learned that when we get to know people
better, we find they are not as scary as they seem.
—Angela Pratt
SCHOOL-FRIEND DREAD
A girl in my daughter’s class would tell my daughter that she
could be her friend and be part of her group during recess,
but the next day, without any explanation, the girl would
tell my daughter she could not be her friend. This happened
frequently enough that my daughter felt rejected and confused,
wondering what she had done wrong. Things were so
uncertain that she began to dread school.
So on the way to school each day, I prayed with my
daughter. Then, as I prepared to drop her off, I shared the
same short motto that she now knows by heart: “Be kind.
Do your best. Remember God is with you, and Mommy
loves you.” Through this experience, I taught her that showing
kindness, rather than being liked, is what matters most;
and doing her best, rather than performing perfectly, is
what makes me most proud. Praying together daily, followed
by sharing this simple yet meaningful motto, made a
bigger difference for her than I could have imagined.
My daughter came to joyfully embrace her school days.
She courageously smiled at and spoke to this girl with
kindness. Rather than seeking this girl’s approval, my
daughter began to look for someone else who was in need
of a friend.
—Lydia Powell
FEAR OF PUBLIC SPEAKING
My oldest daughter was very nervous when it came to
speaking in public. I took the opportunity during the pandemic
to help address her fear by recording videos of all
my daughters reading books, telling stories and reciting
Bible verses. I asked them to research some educational
topics and share them in the video as if they were teaching
other kids.
I shared the videos with our close family members, and
the girls started getting a lot more comfortable speaking up.
I also saw them exhibit increased confidence when participating
in their virtual classes. When in-person learning
came back, my daughters were more at ease facing their
classmates and teachers. My oldest daughter even entered
an oratorical contest recently and took second place!
—Maria Elena Chua
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KIDS & TEENS / BOUNDARIES
BOUNDARIES / KIDS & TEENS
3 tips to help your
teens become
screenwise
BY JONATHAN MCKEE
NEW
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
PARENTING
GENERATION SCREEN
Jonathan McKee’s newest book encourages
you to engage kids in conversations about
social media, entertainment and screen time
to help them navigate the digital landscape.
Shop.
GEORGERUDY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
SIDNEY SCROLLS
THROUGH HER
INSTAGRAM FEED, a task so
habitual her thumbs almost do it
instinctively.
Megan’s dog wearing a cute sweater.
397 likes.
Amari and her boyfriend laughing
while drinking a milkshake. 492 likes.
Elena wearing a new crop top. 646
likes.
Sidney clicks to her latest post, an
artsy photo perspective of her new
Vans . . . at least she thought so anyway.
If only everyone else did.
Only 134 likes.
Her neck and shoulders tighten,
and her heart starts beating faster.
She can’t put words to the feeling
if you asked her, but most counselors
would simply call it anxiety. For
some of her friends, it has become
something more severe, and sadly
far too common. It’s the overwhelming
feeling of not being good enough,
amplified by the pressurized environment
social media create.
The mental health of young people
today has almost been narrowed
down to two words: Likes and
Followers. And most parents have no
idea what to do about it.
It’s as simple as this: Kids want
screens. And when they get screens,
they want social media because that’s
where you connect with people. And
once you get on social media, the
comparison game begins.
Why don’t I have as many likes as
Jake?
Why does Emma have so many
more followers?
Teenagers have always struggled
with feelings of insecurity, but never
before have those results been posted
for the entire world to see.
182 Likes.
165 Followers.
There’s always someone with more.
Researchers are coming to a consensus:
Today’s young people are
experiencing an unprecedented
increase of anxiety, depression and
suicidal thoughts . . . pre-COVID,
mind you. And the spike began when
social media found its way into everyone’s
back pocket.
One in five adolescent girls
experienced a major depressive episode
at some point during 2018.
That’s an 84% increase during the
past decade. And a report from
the U.S. Department of Health and
Human Services revealed, suicide
rates among Americans ages 10 to
24 increased by 56% between 2007
and 2017. For some perspective, the
iPhone came out in 2007. The biggest
increases in suicide rates occurred
among the very young; the rate nearly
tripled during that time period in kids
ages 10 to 14.
And in 2020 researchers compared
their data and came to a consensus:
The hours young people spend
on social media strongly affects their
mental health, especially among girls.
They even got specific: Mental health
and happiness are the strongest when
teenagers spend just one to two hours
a day on social media. The more time
spent past two hours, mental wellbeing
decreases rapidly.
So what can Mom and Dad do
to help their kids, especially their
daughters? Here are a few tips most
researchers agree on:
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KIDS & TEENS / BOUNDARIES
FOSTER ADOPTION / KIDS & TEENS
Connection
before correction
The temptation after reading this kind
of research is to overreact and respond
with rules. But what your kids really
need is for you to interact with them and work on
responding relationally. The old adage is true: Rules
without relationship lead to rebellion.
We need to convert our overreaction into interaction.
So talk with your kids about the research in this article.
Take them through a book like my Teen’s Guide to Social
Media & Mobile Devices, engaging them in a dialogue
with the discussion questions. Owning a phone is much
like driving a car—it’s a privilege. We spend hours upon
hours talking with our kids about driving before they get
behind the wheel. Why is the smartphone any different?
worthy of love
How to help children placed through
foster care feel safe, valued and
welcomed into your family
BY JOHNSTON MOORE
ILLUSTRATIONS BY MAÏTÉ FRANCHI
Delay social media
until high school
I know, I know. This is extremely difficult
(and I can hear your daughter
saying it now, “All my friends are
on Instagram, Mom!”) But just like driving, owning a
smartphone is a privilege that comes with age.
At a bare minimum, don’t give your kids a smartphone
until they’re 13 years old.
Why 13? Because kids can’t be on social media until
they’re 13 according to the Federal Trade Commission’s
Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) in the
U.S. Anyone who tries to sign up for social media has to
enter his or her date of birth and will be denied if under
age 13. COPPA doesn’t allow websites or social media
apps to collect personal information from anyone under
13 without parental consent.
The minimum is 13 but, as a guy who researches this
stuff all the time, I think that age should be 14 for most
kids. Groups of parents can unite and commit to waiting
until all their kids graduate from middle school to get
them smartphones. It’s much easier if their close-knit
group of friends are in the same boat.
Keep devices
out of the bedroom
I’ve heard hundreds of horror stories
from parents at my parent workshops
of their kids getting into trouble with
their phones. And in all those stories of kids streaming
inappropriate content or sneaking off with someone
they met on social media (often someone who turns out
different than who they thought), almost all of those stories
have a common phrase: all through the night.
They were messaging each other all night. He played
his games all night. She would wake up and check her
likes all night. He downloaded inappropriate pictures in
his bedroom late at night.
Maybe that’s because recent studies reveal 79% of
teenagers actually take their devices with them to the
bedroom each night, 68% of teens keep it within reach,
and 29% actually sleep with their device in bed.
Would you like to avoid a lot of grief?
Collect your kids’ phones every night about an hour
before bedtime. (I bet you can think of about 10 things
they can do instead.)
I can hear it now. “But Mom, I need it for my alarm
clock.” Keep their phone. Buy them an alarm clock. •
Jonathan McKee has authored more than two dozen books including
the newly released Parenting Generation Screen and The Teen’s Guide
to Social Media & Mobile Devices. He has 30 years of youth ministry
experience and speaks to parents and leaders worldwide.
CREDIT TK
“ANNA* BROKE THIS,” our
son said, holding a shattered ornament
in his hand.
I told him to do his best to clean it
up and then ask Anna to come see my
wife and me in our room.
Anna had been in our home only
about an hour. Born in a country halfway
around the world, she had come
to the United States with her biological
father a few months earlier. Not
long after her arrival, she’d been
placed with a family that had taught
her how to speak English.
Unfortunately, this family had also
shown Anna what conditional love
looked like. They’d told her that if she
didn’t behave properly, she would
have to leave their home. Naturally,
her humanity, her traumatic past
and her age—she was only 6 at the
time—made it impossible for her to
meet their standards, and they had
requested she be placed elsewhere.
Anna had come to our home in
tears. She wasn’t crying because she
missed the other family, but because
children aren’t designed to experience
this kind of rejection. I am sure
the other family’s biological children
had misbehaved plenty of times. The
difference was that they didn’t fear
rejection. They were part of the family.
Anna wasn’t.
A few minutes after we sent our son
to fetch Anna, she showed up in our
doorway, petrified. Her eyes reflected
her distress as she admitted breaking
the ornament. Our hearts broke
for her. We sensed she feared being
rejected again.
We assured Anna there was nothing
she could do that would cause us to
make her leave. Upon hearing those
words, she physically relaxed. We
hugged her and then sent her on her
way to get to know her new siblings.
God used a broken ornament to
help us make our new daughter feel
valued and welcome. She needed
to see she was not an intruder but a
member of the family. Eventually we
adopted her. And she’s been a part of
the family for the past 15 years.
Whenever a new child is placed
in a home through foster care or
adoption, he or she needs to feel
safe, welcome and part of the family,
especially if that child has experienced
trauma. Here are ways other
parents have welcomed children
into their homes:
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KIDS & TEENS / FOSTER ADOPTION
FOSTER ADOPTION / KIDS & TEENS
Unrushed, Day by Day
As adoptive parents through foster
care, my husband and I strived to
create a calm environment for our
children. I had to learn to take panicfilled
kids in my arms until they felt
connected and safe. Time stood still
as we rocked together. I waited with
them for as long as it took. I told them
it was OK to cry, and sometimes they
did. Other times we sat in silence.
As I helped my children identify
their feelings, repeating what I heard,
their countenances brightened.
Whether they were feeling scared,
worried, nervous, alone or hungry,
responding to them with understanding
gave voice to their feelings of
undiscovered or buried pain. As I created
a safe place where trusting me
was possible, they learned that my
love was genuine.
I’ve realized that my children don’t
need me to save them from all their
past traumas or fears. They need me
to walk with them, unrushed, day by
day. Doing that affirms their place in
my world.
—Kelly D. McManus
The Gift of Space
What my young ones need most is
space. Space to process. Space to feel.
Sometimes they just need my husband
and me to ignore the stares and comments
that show up when they can’t
hold themselves together any longer.
Some of the emotions they’ve held
inside are more powerful than many
adults will ever face. Regardless of the
pain they’ve already endured, being
taken from one family and placed with
another is traumatic—even if it someday
leads to healing, even if it assures
safety, even if their lives improve.
It’s not uncommon to find me sitting
in the middle of a grocery aisle holding
my boy when the experience is just too
much for him. Christmas sometimes
means ignoring the new toys for a
day or so until he is ready to play with
them. At a large dinner with extended
family, it might mean that we excuse
him from the table and let him sit quietly
in the next room. On vacations, it
means keeping his routine as close to
normal as possible. We teach manners
on quiet, normal days and expect less
of him on special occasions.
No matter how much better things
may seem, children still have memories
and questions about their lives
before. Every tradition feels new: the
foods, smells, voices, routines, love.
So as parents, we show them that no
matter how overwhelmed they feel,
they are loved.
—Shandy Hodsdon
Embrace Humility
One of the best things my husband
and I did to prepare for opening our
hearts and our home to foster children
was not being afraid of the messes
of life. We never expect perfection or
instant results. Every day we remind
our kids that they are safe, valued,
loved and a vital part of our family.
This is harder than it sounds
because kids in foster care have had
too many rugs ripped from beneath
them. Every day we reassure our
children that we can do hard things
together, that because of God we
hope big, and we believe the pain
and fear of uncertainty won’t always
plague them.
We also try to model a healthy
marriage and demonstrate humility.
Indeed, we notice less fear among
our children when we show them that
while married life has bumps and
misunderstandings, a husband and
wife can still come together in love
no matter what. My husband and I
humble ourselves in front of the kids,
apologizing to each other and making
up where they can see us. We try
to treat them the same way, asking for
forgiveness when we fail.
Our children need to see disagreements
that don’t end in abuse
or unsafe behavior. Allowing kids
into the process of working through
conflict, hurt feelings and differing
perspectives builds reassurance and
trust. And the best way to demonstrate
that is to never hold back on love.
—Kara N. Young
Honoring Memories
We learned early on in foster parenting
to treat every child who came
into our home, whether for days or
months, the same way we treat all
of our children. For example, if you
never buy used clothes for your children,
don’t do that for foster children.
I also learned to make a memory
life book for every child who lives
with us, documenting the child’s history
and time with our family. So
many children who spend time in foster
care lose track of those years. No
mementos, no photos, no memories.
If we are called to love and care for
these children, that includes helping
them preserve their past.
We adopted our fourth and fifth
foster placements. When they were
with us only a few months, they were
diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome
and some developmental
delays. I was angry. How could anyone
do that to a baby? How unfair!
Sessions with a therapist and lots
of prayer helped me work through
forgiving their mother. Eventually she
and I became friends, and today we
share the children we both love.
I’ve also learned to listen. My children
shut down if I talk too much.
Sometimes it’s just a matter of
extending grace and unconditional
love. It isn’t always easy, but it’s
exactly what God does for us.
—Tricia Couffer >>>
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41
KIDS & TEENS / FOSTER ADOPTION
Kids’
magazines
FROM FOCUS
A gift that gives all year!
PREPARING
YOUR WELCOME
Be intentional about creating a welcoming
environment for a new child in your family:
AGES
3-7
Clubhouse Jr.
Faith-building fun
for boys’ and girls’
formative years
featuring stories,
craft ideas, jokes and
puzzles that teach
God’s truth.
AGES
8-12
42
• Establish and maintain routines that
are unique to your family. When a
new child arrives, include him or her
in those routines right away. That will
make him or her feel like an insider
more quickly and will create a sense
of belonging.
• Talk to your children about things
they can do to make your new child
feel welcome, such as sharing toys,
picking out movies and TV shows
to watch together and introducing
him or her to friends. Make sure your
children do not see this as something
imposed on them by Mom and
Dad (which they will possibly grow
to resent), but rather something the
whole family is doing for the benefit
of the new child and in obedience
to God’s call to love our neighbors as
ourselves.
• Talk to your parents, siblings,
extended family and close friends in
advance and ask them to treat this
child the same way they do your
other children.
• If possible, talk to the child’s social
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
OctOber / NOvember 2021
worker before the placement is finalized.
Find out what your child likes
(food, restaurants, clothes, music,
etc.), and then try to accommodate
as you’re able.
• Give your new child chores, just as
you do with your other children. That
will help him or her take responsibility
for being part of your household.
• As you’re able, build relationships
with your child’s siblings and
extended family, treating them as
part of your extended family. The
child needs you to adopt an “us”
mindset rather than an “us and them”
mindset.
• Honor your child’s birth parents by
speaking of them in respectful terms.
Exhibit grace and compassion. Do
not vilify them. At the same time,
give the child freedom and a listening
ear to process his or her feelings
honestly and openly, without judgment
from you.
• Introduce your new child by name
to your friends, neighbors, family,
church family and others in your life.
Be careful not to saddle your child
with the foster label.
Children placed in your home for foster
care and adoption have often
experienced considerable trauma
and great loss. Their lives have been
upended, and they often feel unworthy
of love. They may think they are
one wrong move away from another
rejection.
If they are to heal from their trauma
and loss, they need to feel safe, secure,
accepted, wanted, valued, treasured
and loved. They want to feel just as
we do in our relationship with our
heavenly Father, who adopted and
welcomed us into His family. Your
demonstration of love can point them
to Him. •
—JM
*Not her real name
Johnston Moore and his wife, Terri, have
adopted seven children from the Los Angeles
County foster care system. He is a writer and
consultant, as well as a regular speaker at
foster care and adoption events, including
RIDO / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
foster and adoptive families through our
Waiting to Belong program. Learn more
by visiting WaitingToBelong.ca.
Clubhouse
An award-winning
magazine for boys and
girls featuring adventure
stories, mysteries, bios
of servant-hearted
kids, crafts and more.
TEEN
GIRLS
Brio
Godly role models,
relationship advice,
B ible readings,
relevant articles,
quizzes and more to
help young women
build their life on faith.
Subscribe to our kids’ magazines at
Shop.
or call 1.800.661.9800
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 43
KIDS & TEENS / INTENTIONALITY
INTENTIONALITY / KIDS & TEENS
WE’RE HERE TO HELP
If your teen is socially isolated, consider talking to a counselor.
consultation from a Christian perspective. To reach a registered
counselor, call 1-800-661-9800 weekdays between
8 a.m. and 4 p.m. Pacific time.
How to respond if your kids are isolating
themselves from social interactions
BY MIKE BECHTLE / ILLUSTRATION BY HIFUMIYO
SIX MONTHS AGO, she was bubbly and
full of life. She spent her free time with friends,
and you almost had to bribe her to spend time
at home. Now she never leaves the house, gives
one-word answers and doesn’t even argue.
His teachers think he’s a disciplined student
because he sits in the back of the classroom
with his head in a book—but he’s not reading.
disconnected teens
He used to hang out with his friends at church;
now he plays video games alone in his room.
As a parent, you’ve noticed the changes in your
teen’s behavior and wonder what’s wrong. You’re
worried—and afraid—of what could happen if
your teen doesn’t snap out of it. But what can
you do to help? Whatever you try just seems to
make things worse.
More than just
needing space
What’s happening with your teen
isn’t just moodiness or needing
time alone to recharge. It’s called
social isolation. You may have heard
a lot about social isolation during
COVID-19 lockdowns. But the problem
is more than kids missing the
chance to hang out with friends.
Traumatic events, such as a breakup,
bullying, an embarrassing failure,
rejection or an inability to fit in with
their peer group, can cause teens to
deliberately disconnect and withdraw
from everyone.
Isolated teens feel alone in their
struggles but many don’t reach out
to anyone for help—not even their
friends. Instead, they think they have
to figure things out on their own.
When we see our teens spiraling
downward, it’s natural to scramble
for solutions. Impulsively, we may try
every fear-based technique we can
think of, such as pleading or forcing
them to reengage, using guilt or logic.
Or we may try to shame them for how
they’re impacting the family. You may
get results with this approach, but it
doesn’t lead to genuine connection.
If a fear-based approach isn’t the
answer, what is?
A path to reconnection
First John 4:18 tells us that “perfect love
casts out fear.” If love is genuine and
unconditional, it positions you as a safe
person in your teen’s life. You become
an ally instead of a repair person.
Love is the foundation of relationships
and connection. A fear-based
approach asks, “How can I fix my
teen?” but a love-based approach asks,
“How can I best love my child?” Here
are some ways for demonstrating a
love-based approach with your teen:
Affirm your unconditional love and
support. Teens need to know how
much you love and value them, and
nothing they do can ever change that.
So be intentional about letting your
teen know that he or she is not alone,
and that you’ll work through issues
together. My wife and I often told our
teens, “We’re not going anywhere,
and you can’t make us not love you.”
teen is isolating, the most important
thing you can do is listen. To get your
teen talking, show genuine curiosity
and ask open-ended questions. When
a conversation opens up, avoid shifting
the focus to your own experiences
or solutions.
Instead, seek to understand what
your teen is thinking and feeling.
Teens often feel ashamed or guilty for
having negative thoughts or emotions,
so let your teen know it’s normal.
Don’t panic if your teen says things
like “I hate my life.” Just keep listening
and express your love and support.
Make connection, not correction,
the goal. When our son would isolate,
he became defensive and even
more withdrawn if we tried correcting
him or using logic to snap him out
of it. Simply being present in his pain
opened a door for solutions.
By focusing on a love-based connection,
you can build trust and
create a safe space for your teen to
talk about issues. Isolated teens often
feel trapped and powerless, but we
can restore hope by helping them
identify one issue that’s important to
them and exploring tiny steps toward
a solution. Letting teens come up
with their own solutions gives them a
sense of ownership.
As you love your teen toward connection,
invite God into the healing
process by praying for your child daily.
He loves our teens more than we do,
and He knows how to reach them! •
Mike Bechtle, Ph.D., is a writer, public speaker
and senior consultant for Franklincovey. He
has authored five books including Dealing
With the Elephant in the Room.
44
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
OctOber / NOvember 2021
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45
KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY
pumpkin patch
Rileigh, 3
Sitting among the pumpkins, our little girl
gets kisses from her new puppy, Copper.
—Tiffany from California
Matteo, 9
Our son enjoys the pumpkins as we
hike through an apple orchard.
—Felix and Joy from Ontario
The Hope Restored
marriage intensive program
A proven, biblically based program to restore
and rebuild your marriage.
Zion, 3, Eden, 7, and Olive, 10 months
We love to visit the pumpkin patch every
year. God’s creation is so awesome!
—Jennifer from Vancouver
“Game changer!! We have become more in love since
Hope Restored. It’s a wonderful feeling when you have tools to help
navigate through difficult conversations and feel safe enough to fall in love
with your best friend all over again! We so appreciate all we learned and all
of what
— hope restored attendee
Leanna, 7
Having a ton of fun with a half-ton
pumpkin that her papa grew.
—Emily from Wisconsin
Your kids could be in
email photos* of your child in his or her favorite costume or helping
to cook. (Put “costumes” or “cooking” in the subject line.)
Send to: info@fotf.ca
* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted
if you or someone you know is facing significant
marital distress, call us. we want to help.
46 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY OctOber / NOvember 2021
1.833.999.HOPE (4673) | HOPERESTOREDCANADA.CA
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