Focus on the Family Magazine - October/November 2021

KIDS & TEENS / BOUNDARIES
FOSTER ADOPTION / KIDS & TEENS
Connection
before correction
The temptation after reading this kind
of research is to overreact and respond
with rules. But what your kids really
need is for you to interact with them and work on
responding relationally. The old adage is true: Rules
without relationship lead to rebellion.
We need to convert our overreaction into interaction.
So talk with your kids about the research in this article.
Take them through a book like my Teen’s Guide to Social
Media & Mobile Devices, engaging them in a dialogue
with the discussion questions. Owning a phone is much
like driving a car—it’s a privilege. We spend hours upon
hours talking with our kids about driving before they get
behind the wheel. Why is the smartphone any different?
worthy of love
How to help children placed through
foster care feel safe, valued and
welcomed into your family
BY JOHNSTON MOORE
ILLUSTRATIONS BY MAÏTÉ FRANCHI
Delay social media
until high school
I know, I know. This is extremely difficult
(and I can hear your daughter
saying it now, “All my friends are
on Instagram, Mom!”) But just like driving, owning a
smartphone is a privilege that comes with age.
At a bare minimum, don’t give your kids a smartphone
until they’re 13 years old.
Why 13? Because kids can’t be on social media until
they’re 13 according to the Federal Trade Commission’s
Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) in the
U.S. Anyone who tries to sign up for social media has to
enter his or her date of birth and will be denied if under
age 13. COPPA doesn’t allow websites or social media
apps to collect personal information from anyone under
13 without parental consent.
The minimum is 13 but, as a guy who researches this
stuff all the time, I think that age should be 14 for most
kids. Groups of parents can unite and commit to waiting
until all their kids graduate from middle school to get
them smartphones. It’s much easier if their close-knit
group of friends are in the same boat.
Keep devices
out of the bedroom
I’ve heard hundreds of horror stories
from parents at my parent workshops
of their kids getting into trouble with
their phones. And in all those stories of kids streaming
inappropriate content or sneaking off with someone
they met on social media (often someone who turns out
different than who they thought), almost all of those stories
have a common phrase: all through the night.
They were messaging each other all night. He played
his games all night. She would wake up and check her
likes all night. He downloaded inappropriate pictures in
his bedroom late at night.
Maybe that’s because recent studies reveal 79% of
teenagers actually take their devices with them to the
bedroom each night, 68% of teens keep it within reach,
and 29% actually sleep with their device in bed.
Would you like to avoid a lot of grief?
Collect your kids’ phones every night about an hour
before bedtime. (I bet you can think of about 10 things
they can do instead.)
I can hear it now. “But Mom, I need it for my alarm
clock.” Keep their phone. Buy them an alarm clock. •
Jonathan McKee has authored more than two dozen books including
the newly released Parenting Generation Screen and The Teen’s Guide
to Social Media & Mobile Devices. He has 30 years of youth ministry
experience and speaks to parents and leaders worldwide.
CREDIT TK
“ANNA* BROKE THIS,” our
son said, holding a shattered ornament
in his hand.
I told him to do his best to clean it
up and then ask Anna to come see my
wife and me in our room.
Anna had been in our home only
about an hour. Born in a country halfway
around the world, she had come
to the United States with her biological
father a few months earlier. Not
long after her arrival, she’d been
placed with a family that had taught
her how to speak English.
Unfortunately, this family had also
shown Anna what conditional love
looked like. They’d told her that if she
didn’t behave properly, she would
have to leave their home. Naturally,
her humanity, her traumatic past
and her age—she was only 6 at the
time—made it impossible for her to
meet their standards, and they had
requested she be placed elsewhere.
Anna had come to our home in
tears. She wasn’t crying because she
missed the other family, but because
children aren’t designed to experience
this kind of rejection. I am sure
the other family’s biological children
had misbehaved plenty of times. The
difference was that they didn’t fear
rejection. They were part of the family.
Anna wasn’t.
A few minutes after we sent our son
to fetch Anna, she showed up in our
doorway, petrified. Her eyes reflected
her distress as she admitted breaking
the ornament. Our hearts broke
for her. We sensed she feared being
rejected again.
We assured Anna there was nothing
she could do that would cause us to
make her leave. Upon hearing those
words, she physically relaxed. We
hugged her and then sent her on her
way to get to know her new siblings.
God used a broken ornament to
help us make our new daughter feel
valued and welcome. She needed
to see she was not an intruder but a
member of the family. Eventually we
adopted her. And she’s been a part of
the family for the past 15 years.
Whenever a new child is placed
in a home through foster care or
adoption, he or she needs to feel
safe, welcome and part of the family,
especially if that child has experienced
trauma. Here are ways other
parents have welcomed children
into their homes:
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