Whit If? by Hugh McMillan sampler

hugh mcmillan is a poet from Penpont in Dumfries and Galloway. He
has written five full collections of poetry and has read in events and poetry
festivals worldwide. His pamphlet Postcards from the Hedge was a winner of
the Callum Macdonald Prize in 2009, a prize he won again for Sheepenned
in 2017; as part of that prize, he became Michael Marks Poet in Residence
for the Harvard Summer School in Napflio, Greece. He was also a winner
of the Smith Doorstep Poetry Prize and the Cardiff International Poetry
Competition. Devorgilla’s Bridge was shortlisted for the Michael Marks
Award and in 2015 was shortlisted for the Basil Bunting Poetry Award. In
2014 Hugh was awarded the first literature commission by the Wigtown
Book Festival to create a work inspired by John Mactaggart’s The Scottish
Gallovidian Encyclopaedia (1824); McMillan’s Galloway was published in
limited edition in 2014 and in a revised edition from Luath in 2015.
His selected poems Not Actually Being in Dumfries were published by Luath
Press in 2015 and this was followed by Heliopolis and The Conversation of
Sheep by Luath in 2018.
He has featured in many anthologies, and three times in the Scottish Poetry
Library’s online selection Best Scottish Poems of the year. His poems have
also been chosen three times to feature on National Poetry Day postcards,
the latest in 2016. In 2020 he was chosen as one of four ‘Poetry Champions’
for Scotland by the Scottish Poetry Library, to seek out and commission
new work. Recently he was given the role as editor of ‘Best Scottish Poems’
for 2021.”

By the same author:
Tramontana, Dog and Bone, 1990
Horridge, Chapman, 1995
Aphrodite’s Anorak, Peterloo Poets, 1996
Strange Bamboo, Shoestring, 2007
Postcards from the Hedge, Roncadora Press, 2009
Devorgilla’s Bridge, Roncadora Press, 2010
Cairn, Roncadora Press, 2011
Thin Slice of Moon, Roncadora Press, 2012
McMillan’s Galloway, privately printed, 2015
Not Actually being in Dumfries, Luath Press, 2015
McMillan’s Galloway: A Creative Guide by an Unreliable Local, Luath Press, 2017
Sheepenned, Roncadora Press, 2017
Heliopolis, Luath Press, 2018
The Conversation of Sheep, Luath Press, 2018
Haphazardly in the Starless Night, Luath Press, 2021

Whit If?
Scotland’s history as it micht hiv bin
HUGH McMILLAN

First published 2021
isbn: 978-1-910022-90-0
The author’s right to be identified as author of this book under the Copyright,
Designs and Patents Act 1988 has been asserted.
The paper used in this book is recyclable. It is made from low chlorine pulps
produced in a low energy, low emission manner from renewable forests.
Printed and bound by
Severnprint Ltd., Gloucester
Typeset in 10.5 point Sabon by Lapiz
© Hugh McMillan 2021

Contents
afore history9
Whit if whan the tectonic plates shiftit 10
Whit if Britain wis the richt wae roond? 12
An auld heid frae Skara Brae lookit back 14
Whit if fowk coud unnerstaun
Pictish boondary mairkers 15
the romans 17
If the Romans haed fund
the seecrit o Pictish ale 18
the daurk ages19
The Daurk Ages 20
If Columba haed bin chowkit bi Eithne 21
The feenish o the Picts 22
the meedle ages23
Alexander ii 24
Whit if thaur wis Public Safety
Advice oan the brent-new
pestilence o 1348? 25
the wars o independence27
Whit if Alexander iii haed Twitter? 28
Baldred Bisset Scottish hero 29
Whit if the Ettercap gied his spin oan it? 30
Whit the hinnermost spearmen
hear o famous speeches 31
The pairt played bi the aitcake 32
The Pilgrimer 33
5

whit if?
historiography i35
Whit if the deid coud spik? 36
The Sma Folk 37
Skelet 2238
the renaissance/reformation 39
Whit if John Knox hid fawen in
luve wi Mary Queen o Scots 40
Whit if the Great Michael an the
Mary Rose haed a fecht? 42
Tudor Cultur in Scotland 43
the seiventeenth an aichteenth century45
What if Grierson o Lag haed tried a
bit haurder? 46
Whit if the Glencoe Massacre haed
bin quality assured? 47
The Darien Fleet sailin the day 48
Final wurd oan the Darien Scheme? 49
If ye coud stoap history 50
Whan pipers sortit wars 51
Whit if Rabbie Burns haed a mobil? 52
The Scottish Enlightenment nicht oot 53
the nineteenth century55
Oppression56
Whit if we mindit the Alamo 58
mair historiography 59
Christina Bruce 60
Chrissie Fergusson’s green life 61
Elspeth Buchan spiks 62
6

contents
Boxed wummen 64
Nae Nemesis 66
modern times67
If David Barrie haednae dee’d 68
Maclean69
If MacLean haed haed a bowsier beard 70
Whit if there was a visitor to
Tong in Lewis in 1929? 71
Coontin richt in 196672
Whit if Jacques Brel haed
jynt the Corries? 73
scottish seembols75
Discoorse atween King Oenghus
an a Spaeman afore the
Battle o Athelstane 76
The true Stane o Destiny 77
Whit if the Unicorn coud spik? 78
Whit if the haggis coud address itsel? 79
Hogmanay80
Some last thochts81
Scottish sailors mairkit oot o ten 82
Whit If we learnt history frae the
National Trust? 84
What If the coast could speak? 85
Whit if Alexander Fleming haed
diskivert penicillin in the
saxteent century? 86
7

Afore History
A time that never wis. A nevermas. Like they weather maps if ye
lay the United Kingdom doon an spie the fou boond o Scotland’s
history ye’d jalouse the grand pairt that Scotland played, a they
auld temples, stanes, the complex at the Ness o Brodgar, a place
o pilgrimage frae a ower Europe endling. But misfortuinately oor
histories hiv till noo bin screived by ithers, nae need to say who, an
these treasures are thocht of as ootmaist, of nae import, and yon
pairt of history itsel, of nae reck. Afore real history. Aye. Whit if
we saw Britain the ither, the richt, way roond?
9

whit if?
Whit if whan the tectonic plates
shiftit
Whit if whan yon tectonic
plates rummelled, the land mass
noo kent as Scotland haed bin
jist a wee bit skited bi England,
then jyned doucely wi Iberia whilst
the southern pairt careert northwards
towart the Arctic ennin up
somewhaur near Baffin Island?
We wad hae made the maist bonnie
bangles o tin an selt them tae
the bazaars o aa the wirld, oor ships
wad hae plied frae the mony steeplt
Berwick on Tagus tae Constantinople
an back. In Europe the Saxons an Slavs
wud still be fechtin the langest
an maist borin war in history,
hivin destroyt a their macheenes
they wad be batterin each
ither oan the heid wi stanes
behint a huge protective wa built
bi the Chinese Emperoar Qin Shihuangdi,
to keep civilisatilon safe.
Nae one wad hae gaun onywhere
near America till Fabio MacDougall
10

afore history
wi a cargo o colanders met trading vessels
o the great Algonquin Empire
in the puirt o Galway in 1906.
Nae Refoarmation. Nae Global Warmin:
the Vikings wad hae named
England Ultima Thule an tradit furs
wi the inhabitants whilst makkin coars
jokes ahint their backs aboot their luve o seals.
11

whit if?
Whit if Britain wis the richt wae
roond?
We’re that uised tae lookin at maps
whaur Scotland yon miserable spit
o mountain fillt wi alkies
angles aff intae the Noarth Atlantic
whaur it maun deserve tae be,
whilst the sooth o England,
plump an roon as chicken breest
sweems veive an lush afore
oor een, the source o aa guid things,
prosperity, culture, an history.
Yet afoare Stonehenge,
yon far noarthern pairt,
sae sma they hae tae pit it een a box,
oot-Londoned London.
Up thair they built cyclopaean
waws aligned tae the threeds
an filaments o the cosmos,
temple complexes
sae muckle they beggar belief.
Doon thare on the mudbanks
o the Thames, sooking whelks,
the natives coud only dream
o Dunragit an the Ness o Brodgar,
yon Luxors o the Noarth,
12

afore history
an wait fur the boats
o meesionaries sailin sooth frae
Scotland, boontifu an wice,
tae lear them hoo tae mak pots,
graw corn, meex paints,
hae a bit o perspective.
13

whit if?
An auld heid frae Skara Brae
lookit back
Ye ken we wir puir
but abody lookit aftir
yin anither,
naebody lockit their doors,
wi wir in an oot
o yin anithers hooses
an doon the wee closes
playin knucklebones.
Sax folk tae a box bed
covert in an auld jockie coat
o walrus whiles grannie makkit fish broth.
Fowk wir jist resilient ken
an thare wir they daies
whan the bents wir
kivert wi samphire an aster
in the sool, like tiny starns.
I ween it wis heivin in a wey
if ye foryet the rickets.
No the sam sin
we muived tae thir crannogs.
14