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Uncle Andy's Digest - JuLy 2022

This issue of Uncle Andy's Digest serves as a memoriam to our friend, family, captain, and fearless leader. James "Jimbo" Marston. 1964-2022 The Digest, as always, is full of fun each month! You'll find Out 'n About pictures, hilarious jokes & one-liners, and the Digest is a one-stop shop for all your neighborhood businesses!

This issue of Uncle Andy's Digest serves as a memoriam to our friend, family, captain, and fearless leader.

James "Jimbo" Marston.

1964-2022

The Digest, as always, is full of fun each month! You'll find Out 'n About pictures, hilarious jokes & one-liners, and the Digest is a one-stop shop for all your neighborhood businesses!

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JULY

2022

SINCE 1996

In Memoriam

James “Jimbo” Marston

1964-2022

GET REAL. GET HYUNDAI.

Sales • Lease • Rentals • Parts & Service

DAILY, WEEKLY, &

MONTHLY RENTALS

AVAILABLE!

Call Ryan Kennard

207-346-0279

Whited Equipment Co. is your

New Factory Authorized Hyundai

Construction Equipment dealer

for Central & Southern Maine.

New & used available!

whitedhyundai.com • (855) 882-4010 • Come see us at 2160 Hotel Road, Auburn

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

1


If you want to be able to buy things without looking at the price,

you need to be able to work without looking at the clock.

Mini Golf $5

Disc Golf $5

Arthur

Fenn Park

at Poland Spring Resort

Ice Cream Shop!

Gifford’s Ice Cream & More!

547 Maine Street (Route 26) Poland Spring

www.polandspringresort.com

Driving Range

Buy a Gifford’s ice cream and get a round of mini golf or

disc golf for $2.50 off!

Coupon expires September 30, 2022.

One coupon per party 4.

207-998-7100

Commercial/Office

Construction Sites

Apartment Turnovers

Floors/Tile/Carpets

PROFESSIONALISM | QUALITY | RELIABILITY

Serving Maine and

New Hampshire!

We have over

50 dedicated employees

to service all of your

cleaning needs

207.712.2765 • www.deepcleanjs.com

July is the month where parents realize that teachers were right about their kids all along.


I just want my house to look clean enough that if someone drops by unexpectedly,

it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

MODERN WOODMEN

OF AMERICA

JULY 2022

ACTIVITIES

Tuesday, July 12th

Roy’s Breakfast

7:00-10:00am

5 Washington Street, Auburn

M: $5.00 G: $6.00

Purchase Tickets: 7-06-2022

(9-11am & 1-3pm)

Wednesday, July 13th

Dairy Joy

3:00-7:00pm

Auburn & Lewiston Locations

M: $1.00 G: $1.50

Purchase Tickets: 7-06-2022

(9-11am & 1-3pm)

Thursday, July 14th

Val’s Drive-In

4:00-7:00pm

925 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

M: $6.50 G: $7.50

Purchase Tickets: 7-06-2022

(9-11am & 1-3pm)

Tuesday, July 19th

Taber’s

4:00-7:00pm

470 Lake Shore Drive Auburn

M: $10.00 G: $11.00

Purchase Tickets: 7-06-2022

(9-11am & 1-3pm)

Thursday, July 21st

Fielder’s Choice

4:00-7:00pm

680 Minot Avenue, Auburn

M: $2.50 G: $3.00

Purchase Tickets: 7-06-2022

(9-11am & 1-3pm)

Reminder

Please do not call the restaurants.

If you have a question,

please call the office at

207-782-1833 or 207-333-

6052 and speak with Jamie.

Tickets must be purchased at

the MWA District Office at 184

Webster Street Lewiston on

the dates/times listed for each

activity. Menus are subject to

change. No substitutions or

add-ons. Most importantly –

Have Fun!

The Flat Earth Society has members all across the globe.

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

3


Uncle Andy’s Digest

is published by the first

Friday of every month by

Maine Mountain Ocean

Group, Inc. with its world

headquarters located at

9 Grove Street, Auburn,

Maine, USA.

Published and distributed

since 1996 throughout

Central Maine and mailed to

subscribers all over the Free

World. Subscriptions are

$39/year.

UncleAndysDigest.com

Office: 207-783-7039

UAD Super Heroes

There’s no reason to tailgate me when I’m already doing 50 in a 35.

And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES

CAPTAIN

JIMBO

HULK

SMASH

THOMAS

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

4

WONDER

WOMAN

TYLA

BATGIRL

STEPHANIE

IRONSIDES

STEVE

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries

very hard to ensure the accuracy

of the information in our clients’

advertisements and our publication

in general, we are not responsible

for vendor availability, typographical

errors, technical inaccuracies, product

pricing errors, or omissions.

Jimbo

July 2022 783-7039

Smile In

Comfort

Call us today for:

• Full Dentures

• Immediate Dentures

• Partial Dentures

• Rebases

• Relines

• Repairs

Like Our Name Implies,

We’ll Make You

SMILE AGAIN

All work done on-site.

Repairs usually same day service!

Call today

for a

FREE

consultation!

Joe & Mike

Adkins

Licensed

Denturists

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

smileagaindentures@gmail.com • SmileAgainDentures.com

514-0660

The wedding of the two slices of bread was going great until someone

decided to toast the bride and groom.


It is officially unsticking your thighs from plastic chairs season.

Come see Kathy & Joe!

Scan

here to

see our

menu!

Out ‘n About in

Auburn

at the Memorial Day Ceremony

We will be closed from July 4 to July 12 for vacation.

New hours starting July 19th

TUES., WED., THURS., and SUN.: 7AM to 3PM • FRI-SAT: 7AM-8PM

103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 207-333-5062 • stationgrillrestaurant.com

Craig Young,

Steve Peterson, &

Joe Donahue

Third Maine Volunteer

Infantry, Co. A.

I am

proud to serve

a community that

cares so much about

their veterans and

those who gave

the ultimate

sacrifice.

We will be

closed from

July 4 to

July12 for

vacation.

Robert Chase

Auburn Fire Chief

I’m glad

this knot wasn’t

tied by a boy or girl

scout!

551 Lincoln Street, Lewiston

207-777-1155 • www.schemengees.com

Hours from June 20th through September

Wednesday-Thursday: 4:00pm-11:00pm • Friday-Saturday: 4:00pm-1:00am

I’m almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.

Jason Moen

Auburn Police Chief

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

5


Is Hip Hop sheet music called Rapping Paper?

Out ‘n About at the Memorial Day

Ceremony in Auburn

It’s why I’m here.

Your home and car are more than just things.

They’re where you make memories – and they

deserve the right protection. I get it. It’s why

I’m here.

LET’S TALK TODAY.

Maine National Guard Lt. Colonel Paul Bosse

and Auburn City Manager Phil Crowell place

a wreath in front of the newly unveiled stone

while Auburn Mayor Jason Levesque and

Maine Governor Janet Mills look on.

Keyed Up

Submitted by Jimbo

On a visit to my doctor,

I was pleasantly

surprised to find that

he had installed taped

music in the waiting

room.

As I sat there enjoying

a piano recording, I

overheard an elderly

lady say to her companion,

“Just like these

young doctors – a

crowded waiting room,

and he’s in there playing

the piano!”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

6

Jimbo

July 2022 783-7039

DON’T KNOW

WHAT TO DO

NEXT? WE DO. ®

WATER FIRE MOLD

For any disaster,

29 Brickyard Circle,

Auburn

(800) 244-7630

call ServiceMaster!

(207) 539-4452 www.smfireandwater.com • www.smcarpetcleaning.com

Are you feeling sick when you have to pay for gassing up your car?

You may have Carownervirus.


We’re MORE than a Club —

we’re a Special Events Venue too.

Are you planning an upcoming

company meeting, party, fundraiser

event, class reunion, rehearsal

dinner, or have a small wedding?

The Colisée Club

can help you!

WE OFFER:

• Seating capacity of 130

• Catering services available

• Fully stocked bar

• Audio visual support

BOOK YOUR EVENT or

SCHEDULE a WALK

THROUGH by emailing us

at info@thecolisee.com.

www.thecolisee.com

We Want

YOU

TO BE

OUR

BILLETS

Join Nord Nation as one of our Billet Families!

We need local families to open their homes to our players. Play a special role in a players road

to success. You’ll help our team pursue their hockey goals by welcoming them into your

home. Develop a unique bond with your billet player that goes far beyond the ice.

PLAYERS ARE: 16 – 20 years old • College bound athletes • From around the globe

Interested families should email Tiffany for more info at info@thecolisee.com.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP! You are a vital piece of the Nordique Nation Puzzle.

RECEIVE A

MONTHLY STIPEND TO

COVER PLAYER COSTS.

Also, receive season tickets

to cheer on your Nordique!


Out ‘n About at

Modern Woodmen

of America

for their Community

Shredding Event

This

event was

easy-peasy for

anyone who wanted

to shred documents.

They drove through,

dropped off their

boxes of stuff,

and we took

care of it!

I asked my library if they had any books on shelving. She said, “Yes. All of them.”

Homeownership is the

American Dream

Call today to find out how we

can make your dream come true!

List/Sell • Buyer Agency • Design-Build • Turn-Key Package

(No Construction Loan Needed in Most Cases)

368 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 207.333.6001 • mainesourcehomes.com

Jon

Mercier

Mark

Turner

Toni

Ferraro

Brandon

Caruso

Deb

Morin

Linda

Dupuis

Regina

Ritchie

Dustin

Mallar

Mason

Dupuis

Lindsay

Wright

Shannon

White

*Kim Pelkey,

Cole Levesque,

*Jamie Levesque

*Modern Woodmen of

America

Fun fact,

our mobile shredding

truck shreds 10

tons of paper

per week!

My friend has a fear of elevators, but he’s taking steps to avoid them.

Out ‘n About at the Memorial Day Ceremony in Auburn

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

8

Chris Micucci

Without a Trace Mobile

Shredding

Jimbo

July 2022 783-7039

Auburn Mayor Jason Levesque speaks to the crowd at the

Memorial Day Ceremony in Auburn. The ceremony included the

unveiling of two new commemorative stones with each war from

the Revolutionary War to the Iraq War. Besides Levesque,

Governor Janet Mills was also part of the unveiling ceremony.

I put a desk and a chalkboard in my bedroom to make it look more classy.


HAS IT ALL

Until we meet again...

Jimbo Marston

1964 -2022

Your one-stop shop for:

• Amazing food (eat in or take out)

• Agency liquor store with beer cave

• Lottery tickets

• Redemption center

207-345-5551

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • www.dadsplacemaine.com

Catering

Full serve catering at the

location of your choice.

Book Your

2023

Events

Now!

207-345-9009

DadsPlaceCatering.com

6¢ a

bottle for

Make-A-Wish

Donations!

Dad’s Redemption Center

Redemption Center is

directly behind Dad’s Place

DONATE YOUR

BOTTLES TO

Help grant a wish to a local child

battling a critical illness

See our redemption ad on page 40.


Out ‘n About at

Modern Woodmen

of America

for their Community

Shredding Event

The concept

of shredding is

grate on paper!

Arthur

Chamberlain

*Modern Woodmen of

America

The new Tesla cars can be unlocked with your shorts. They’re your khakis.

Bringing the Ocean to your Table

Party

Platters

Available

(orders only)

Take out • Dine in

Homemade Goods

Gift Certificates Available

The freshest seafood around!

Gray, ME

Hours: Mon. 11a-5p • Tues.-Thurs. 10a-6p • Fri.-Sat. 10a-7p • Sun. 10a-5p

WE HAVE

LIVE

LOBSTERS!

Let us do the cooking!

No extra charge!

207-657-3474

59c Portland Road, Gray

ROEBUCKS ANGUS

Tell us

you saw us

in Uncle Andy’s

Digest!

Follow us on Facebook

for upcoming events!

INSPECTED

Janet & Andre

DuBois

I was going

to buy a shredder

for my home, but I

didn’t want anyone

thinking I had a fax

to grind.

Visit, Call, Or Text!

JAY 207.754.1558 • SUE 207.754.6558

783 UPPER STREET, TURNER

HOURS: Mon-Fri 12-5:30p, Sat 9a-4p, Sun Closed

√ Difficult Tree

Removals

√ Storm Damage

Clean up

• REGISTERED ANGUS

• NATURAL ANGUS BEEF

• MEAT PACKAGES

• GIFT CERTIFICATES

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

10

Abigail Roy &

Heidi Coulombe

Jimbo

July 2022 783-7039

Local Arborist with over

20 Years experience!

√ Pruning

√ Trimming

√ Chipping

√ Lot Clearing

Servicing all of Androscoggin & Cumberland counties

I made gumbo last week, but only used a veggie and sausage.

It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. It was just meaty okra.

Call us

TODAY for a

FREE Quote!


MAINE’S #1 STEAKHOUSE

EVERY MONDAY

20% OFF

All Burgers

30% OFF

All Drafts

SAVE THE DATE!

SATURDAY, AUG. 13 TH

hosted by

NOW HIRING

Experienced

line cooks

• Competitive Pay

• 401K

• Health Insurance Available

• Earned Paid Leave

• Food Discounts

We Cater!

Weddings, Banquets, Birthdays,

Corporate Parties, and more!

No event too BIG or SMALL...

We cater it ALL!

Forever

in our hearts

Jimbo Marston

1964-2022

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • MacsGrill.com


Out ‘n About at

Modern Woodmen

of America

for their Community

Shredding Event

I gave my dog a computer. Now his bark is worse than his byte.

2021-2022 SEASON

Take Your Seats …

It’s Showtime!

Bonnie Morin

What a

fantastic service

Modern Woodmen

of America provides

each year letting us

shred all of the documents

that we no

longer need at

no cost!

A conversational French club

for French speakers

will be held at

10:30am in Heritage Hall

on alternating Thursday mornings: July 7, July 21, etc.

Sponsored by: FACE Foundation and Quebec Delegation Boston

Thursday Night Live

in Heritage Hall

Starting July 14

Dance nights with some karaoke for fun!

Entertainment will feature live music and DJs.

For The

Crowd

Kelly Nadeau

The paper

shredder was fired

because it was doing

a tearable job.

Check our calendar

at francocenter.org to find out

what’s going on at the Franco.

Join us for the 23rd season at our

Performing Arts and Events Center

on Riverfront Island in Lewiston.

More info coming soon.

Order tickets: FrancoCenter.org or call: (207) 689-2000

46 Cedar Street, Lewiston, ME 04240

FrancoCenter.org • facebook.com/FrancoCenter

UNDERWRITER

MEDIA SPONSORS

Linda Gard

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

12 July 2022 783-7039

The Beastie Boys are releasing a five disc anthology this year.

Parts A through D are available on demand, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.


I’m so proud I finished in second place in my first professional boxing match.

Last Name

Submitted by Thomas Hill

The curmudgeonly

Navy Master Chief

noticed a new face and

barked at him, “Get

over here! What’s your

name, sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman

replied.

Join us at the Chapman House

for a new beginning!

Welcome, Summer!

The Chapman House has private rooms available for residents,

aged 65 and older, who need assistance with bathing,

medications, and meals.

We provide a warm and

comfortable home for our residents

41 Pleasant Street, Auburn • 207-783-0961

Someone stole my coffee cup today.

I’m heading over to the police station to go look at mug shots.

Bonnie Iwans

“Look, I don’t know

what kind of bleedingheart

pansy crap

they’re teaching

sailors in boot camp

these days, but I don’t

call anyone by his

first name,” the chief

scowled. “It breeds

familiarity, and that

leads to a breakdown

in authority. I refer to

my sailors by their last

names only; Smith,

Jones, Baker, Jackson,

whatever. And you are

to refer to me as ‘Master

Chief.’ Do I make

myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Master

Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got

that straight, what’s

your last name?”

The seaman sighed,

“Darling, my name is

John Darling, Master

Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s

what I want you to

do...”

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

13


Labor Pains

Submitted by Thomas Hill

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that six out of 10 people

A pregnant woman

hobbles into the hospital

with one hand on

her back.

A nurse asks her what’s

wrong, and the pregnant

woman screams,

“Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t!

Didn’t!”

The nurse shakes her

head and says, “I’m

sorry... I don’t understand

what you’re trying

to tell me.”

The pregnant woman’s

face contorts in pain

as she shouts, “Can’t!

Won’t! Don’t!”

The nurse, bewildered,

turns to a doctor.

“Admit her,” the doctor

said. “She’s having

contractions.”

Coincidences

Submitted by Tyla Davis

Three men were fishing

one day discussing

coincidences.

I’m done with carpentry. I’m throwing in the dowel.

Flowers Edibles Concentrates Topicals

The first one said, “My

wife was reading A Tale

of Two Cities and she

gave birth to twins.”

The second guy spoke

up and said, “I have

a similar situation. My

wife was reading The

Three Musketeers

and she gave birth to

triplets.”

The third guy in a panic

shouted, “Good God,

I have to get home!

When I left, my wife

was reading Ali Baba

and the 40 Thieves!”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

14

Jimbo

July 2022 783-7039

FIND YOUR CLOUD

www.thcMEDCo.com

Our local police station was holding a seminar on how to prevent robberies.

I tried to enroll, but all the seats were taken.


I’m trying to give up my addiction to ATMs, but I’ve been having the worst

withdrawal symptoms.

Come be the Difference in Someone’s Life!

NOW HIRING CNAs and DSPs

Are you a compassionate individual who enjoys working

with people in their home and in the community?

Join our team of caring professionals!

Out ‘n About at

Rolly’s Diner

Breakfast

at Rolly’s and a

Digest is the perfect

way to start

the day!

Apply online at jfmh.org

or visit us at 800 Center St, Auburn

John F. Murphy Homes, Inc. is an Equal Opportunity Employer and complies with all

local, state, and federal guidelines in its employment practices & services provided.

I made a documentary on rivers and creeks. It’s called “Live Streaming.”

MONDAY

Ham Italians

Sm $2.29 Lg. $3.99

FRIDAY

Tuna Italian

Sm $2.99 Lg. $4.99

MAIN STREET MARKET

2 Main Street, Sabattus • 207-375-8502

WEDNESDAY

Chicken Salad

Sm $2.99 Lg. $4.99

SUNDAY

$2.00 OFF

Any large pizza

Hours: 6am - 8pm • Seven days a week

TUESDAY

Small 1-topping Pizza

10" pizza $4.99

THURSDAY

Bowl of Chili

$4.49

B.L.T.

Sm. $2.99

Lg. $4.99

SATURDAY

Baked Beans

Pint $3.99 Quart $4.99

Full beans ’n franks meal $9.49

Breakfast Sandwiches $2.29

Hash browns 2/$1.59

Coffee all sizes $0.99

We accept cash, checks,

major credit/debit cards, & EBT

I had an idea about a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches

for his kidnapped daughter in Paris. Turns out that idea was Taken.

Brittany Troiano

& Jeffrey

Levasseur

We make

sure to never run

out of bread here at

Rolly’s because

our customers are

lack-toast

intolerant.

Jordan Blais

Larry Morin

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

15


Out ‘n About at

Rolly’s Diner

I’m just wondering what you think about pasta. A penne for your thoughts.

I am so

lucky that I get

to work alongside my

fantastic dad every

day!

Ken & Sadie Blais

207-782-7113

Get Your

FREE

Quote

Today!

31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandsautobody.com

Sometimes I tell fish jokes just for the halibut.

Brandon Wease

A good

cup of coffee is

the perfect start to

a brew-tiful

morning!

Steve Corro

THE AMERICAN LEGION

FAMILY

AMERICAN LEGION ACT

Veterans who were honorably discharged

but whose service did not

fall into previously defined war eras

may now join the American Legion

immediately. The eligibility now

spans from Dec. 7, 1941, until a time

when the U.S. is no longer at war, as

determined by Congress.

For Veteran or Community services, call

207-782-1118 or 207-873-3229

Hall Rentals Available

Call for more

information

207-782-1118

71 South Main St, Auburn • 207-782-1118

Members & Guests Welcome!

HOURS: Mon: 12-8p • Tue-Wed: 12-6 • Thurs: 12-9p

Fri & Sat: 12-11p • Sunday: 11a-6p

MUSIC, KARAOKE & DANCE w/ JEAN LOUIS

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS 7-11pm in July

Jerry Joe - July 1st, 15th, & 29th • 4:30 - 6:30pm

CONGRATULATIONS TO

LORI SIMARD

American Legion Department of Maine

Adjutant of the Year

MONTHLY MEETING EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE 6:30PM

WEDNESDAY, JULY 20 TH GENERAL MEETING, 7PM

Legion members attending have a chance to win $100, $50, or $25.

SATURDAY, JULY 30 TH

American Legion Post 86 Annual Poker Run

To benefit the Matthew Smith Scholarship

Bloody Mary Sundays by Kevin

11am-6pm!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

16 July 2022 783-7039

Hasbro has decided they’re going to make some rule changes to Monopoly

at the last board meeting.


Doesn’t it seem odd that a boomerang retailer would have a returns department?

IS MOVING!

Come visit us at our new location at:

681 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

Starting on July 15th!

PROTECT YOURSELF

with the right coverage at the right price

RISK CONSULTING • CLAIMS SUPPORT

BUSINESS ANALYTICS

ENTERPRISE RISK MANAGEMENT

INDUSTRY EXPERTISE

ALTERNATIVE RISK TRANSFERS

www.nfp.com

Contact JOHN BLANCHETTE today at 207-784-9358

Insurance services provided through NFP Property & Casualty Services, Inc. (PC-19126-16) Copyright © 2016 NFP. All rights reserved.

Circulating

Answers

Submitted by Tyla Davis

Mrs. Scott was teaching

science class to

her elementary school

students one day. The

lesson plan for the day

was all about circulation

in the blood.

“Now class,” Mrs. Scott

started, “if I stood on

my head, the blood

would run into it. I

would turn red in the

face. Do you all understand

that concept?”

Out ‘n About at Rolly’s Diner

Natalie, Steve, &

Charlotte Bell

“Yes, Mrs. Scott,” the

class said in unison.

“Now, let me ask you

this. Why is it when

I am standing in an

upright position blood

doesn’t run into my

feet making them turn

red?”

After a few seconds

of silence in the class,

little Jimmy raised his

hand sheepishly.

PROTECT Your Business.

PROTECT Yourself.

We are Maine’s largest

resource for background

searches

207-783-0000783-0000

corporateintelligenceinc.comtelligenceinc.com

I just noticed that they opened a new library in town.

They must’ve kept that development quiet.

“Yes, Jimmy. Do you

have a guess as to

why the blood doesn’t

rush into my feet and

make them turn red

like when I stand on

my head?”

“Is it because your feet

aren’t empty?”

I ate salad for dinner,

mostly croutons and

tomatoes, really just

one big round crouton

covered with tomato

sauce, and cheese...

FINE, it was a pizza,

OK, I ate a pizza! Are

you happy now?

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

17


Now

Hiring

Flight Scare

Submitted by Tyla Davis

Shortly after a British

Airways flight had

reached its cruising

altitude, the captain

announced, “Ladies

and gentlemen, this is

your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight 293,

non-stop from London

Heathrow to New York.

The weather ahead is

fair, so we should have

an uneventful flight. So

sit back, relax, and...

OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed. Complete

silence.

Some moments later,

the captain came back

on the intercom.

“Ladies and gentlemen,

I’m sorry if I

scared you. While I

was talking to you, a

flight attendant accidentally

spilled coffee

in my lap. You should

see the front of my

pants.”

From the back of the

plane, a passenger

yelled, “For the love of

Jesus, you should see

the back of mine!”

CAREER OPPORTUNITIES

We are Looking for

Licensed Electricians

RoySnow.com

207.782.3734

Serving Maine since 1947

Apply

Within

11 Library Ave.

Auburn

IS YOUR BUSINESS HIRING?

Advertise in our

CAREER OPPORTUNITIES

section to get your job opening viewed by more

than 20,000 readers each month! Call today FMI!

207-783-7039

COME JOIN OUR TEAM!

You’ll be glad you did!

We’re hiring Direct Support Professionals

To apply:

www.jfmh.org or 207-783-2726 x202

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

18 July 2022 783-7039

I just saw two large black birds with their wings stuck together. They must be velcrows.


CAREER OPPORTUNITIES

Now

Hiring

24 Hour

Service

PRO-TECH

REFRIGERATION

IS GROWING!

We are seeking experienced

service technicians to join our team!

Out ‘n About at

Rolly’s Diner

235 N. River Road, Auburn

207-777-5600

www.pro-techrefrigeration.com

protechoffice11@yahoo.com

Fully Insured

Keep your heat pump running at

optimal performance and

efficiency by having us complete

a thorough cleaning and

preventative maintenance service!

Air Conditioning & Heating

Proudly serving Auburn, Lewiston,

and the surrounding communities!

Tony Grenier

Don’t ever

steal someone’s

cup of coffee. That’s

a serious act of

mugging.

My idea for a low-powered radio transmitter was not well received.

Out ‘n About at Poland Spring Golf Course for the

13th Annual Pete Simard Golf Benefit

Animal Takeover!

Put me in,

Coach! I’m ready

to play!

Ray Fournier

I wonder

if oranges like

being juiced or if

they are pressed

into it.

Andrew Davis

Don’t you hate it when you’re singing along to a song

and the artist gets the words wrong?

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

19


Transform lives,

one wish at a time.

Top

Pay!

Jimbo,

I will never forget your

leadership, mentorship,

or friendship.

Thank you, Chief.

-Tyla

(BFL)

NOW HIRING

Experienced line cooks

401K & Health Insurance Available

Earned Paid Leave • Food Discounts

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885 • MacsGrill.com

Parts and Service for Commercial

Cooking and Refrigeration Equipment

RANGE POND

CAMPGROUND


Top

Pay!

Steve Simard

Businesses & individuals can help make it

possible to grant a wish for a child suffering

from a serious illness. Please Donate!

Call me

to find out

how!

-Taylor’s Paint & Wallpaper

Kacey LePage

Direct Line: 207-753-6204

Kacey@champoux-ins.com

A proud

wish granter

THE CHAMPOUX GROUP

CHAMPOUX • PEOPLES • PINKHAM • ROGERS

I N S U R A N C E

...Your Security is Our Concern!

207-754-1815

steve@uncleandys.com

UNLOCKING THE POWER OF

UNLOCKING THE POWER OF

THE KITCHEN

800-540-5427 COMMERCIAL | www.pinetreefoodequipment.com

COOKING AND

REFRIGERATION SERVICES

SERVING MAINE & NEW HAMPSHIRE

1(800) 540-5427 |

www.pinetreefoodequipment.com

We proudly support

207-530-8890

Licensed CNAs LPNs, & RNs

Sign on Bonus of $1,500-$7,500

Marshwood Center

33 Rogers Street, Lewiston

207-330-6537

Organization services

for your home & office

Elaine St. Pierre

simplyorganizedspaces.me

207-376-7828

simplyorganizedspacesmaine@gmail.com

Shapiro Property Management

and rental

Locally owned

and operated

Give Us A Call!

410 Main Street, Lewiston

207-402-8985

info@shapirorental.com

DJ Entertainment • Wedding Planning

Up-lighting & Sounds • Karaoke

810.656.1874

NOW HIRING

Experienced line cooks

401K & Health Insurance Available

Earned Paid Leave • Food Discounts

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885 • MacsGrill.com

Resilience

Physical Therapy

and Wellness, LLC

“Recover what

moves you.”

www.resilienceptw.com

Not sure if we treat it?

REACH OUT!

94 Plains Road, Poland

207-998-2624

rangepondcamp@gmail.com

Be Your

Own Boss!

Time for a change?

It’s worth a conversation.

Chris Wallace, RVP

207-653-3424

@TheRiverComics

MAKE LAUGHTER A PRIORITY

Contact us to put on your comedy show:

BBQs • Theaters • Restaurants • Private Parties

Divorce Proceedings • Festivals ... and more!

TheRiverComics.com • 207-200-5366

Top

Pay!

Christopher D Wallace

Preparer/Owner

Office: 207-892-1480

Fax: 888-565-1173

chris@sbsme.biz

Live Life

Fully Covered

NICOLE LAJOIE

207-753-6222

nicole@champoux-ins.com

Supporting

NOW HIRING

Experienced line cooks

401K & Health Insurance Available

Earned Paid Leave • Food Discounts

THE CHAMPOUX GROUP

CHAMPOUX • PEOPLES • PINKHAM • ROGERS

I N S1052 U RMinot A NAvenue, C E Auburn

783-6885 ...Your Security is • Our MacsGrill.com

Concern!

Proudly Supporting

Let us build that dream deck for you!

207-212-7791

www.vghomeimprovements.com

23 Pleasant Street,

Mechanic Falls

207-345-5551

Dadsplacemaine.com

Proud Sponsor of

This message is brought to you by all of us at Uncle Andy’s Digest, and its advertisers.

Let’s support local businesses and frequent them at every opportunity.


breakfast • lunch

coffee • chocolates

and so much more!

207-705-1866

550 Center Street, Auburn Mall • nuttynettieschocolate@gmail.com

Heather Lagueux Shelley

Heather@SDgraphics.com

207.212.4176

Top

Pay!

Share the power

of a

wish

NOW HIRING

Experienced line cooks

401K & Health Insurance Available

Earned Paid Leave • Food Discounts

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885 • MacsGrill.com

Ask us about our Earn and Learn

Nurse Aide Training Program!

Marshwood Center

33 Rogers Street, Lewiston

207-330-6537

Laurie Swart

Auburn Community

Concert Band

Wednesdays at

Festival Plaza in Auburn

7 pm

We support Make-A-Wish

207-797-6060

A proud, long-time supporter of

Convert Your

Home Videos

to DVD!

Auburn Mall • 207-783-3354

This message is brought to you by all of us at Uncle Andy’s Digest, and its advertisers.

Let’s support local businesses and frequent them at every opportunity.


I took up playing Scrabble with my wife. It was the only chance I had to get a word in.

Enjoy Happy Hour

Every Monday - Friday from 2p-5p!

47 Broad Street, Auburn

www.firehouseauburn.com

207-376-4959

All this drone technology is way over my head.

Eligible for Medicare?

CALL US TODAY

to see which Medicare health plan best fits your needs.

30+

Years of

Experience!

July Drink Special

Monday - Saturday 11a-9p

Visit us at 184 Webster Street, Lewiston

Come in

and check

out our

awesome

daily

specials!

Lime in the

Coconut

$

7 .50

Pet Presents

Submitted by Tyla Davis

My dog came bounding

into the house

this morning with

the neighbor’s rabbit

hanging lifeless from

its jaws.

Panic set in and so I

scrubbed it clean and

got the blood marks

off until the poor

rabbit was pure white

again. I snuck into the

neighbor’s garden and

popped the rabbit back

into the cage that it

belonged in.

That evening, my

neighbor knocked

on my door. When I

answered, he was all

flustered and said,

“I can’t believe it!

Flopsy is lying dead in

his outside cage and

the kids are

hysterical!”

“I’m sorry to hear that,”

I replied nervously.

“Thanks. I just don’t

get it. I buried that bunny

a few days ago.”

My wife keeps bugging me to do the ironing, but I have more pressing matters.

EST.1950

54 Mill Street

New Auburn

Appointments

and walk-ins

welcome!

783-3444

Hands

off the

hair... you

might cut

yourself!

OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30a-5:30p, Sat 7:30a-2p

Booth Rentals Available

I hate that clown from IT. Always joking around instead of fixing computers.

Lincoln Camire

Grandson of Larry Proctor

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

23


Hunting

Trophies

Submitted by Steve Simard

A bunch of hunters

were hanging out at

Mac’s Grill after a long

day of hunting.

They started bragging

to each other about

how big their deer was

and how many points

their antlers had.

The man sitting next to

them overheard their

conversation and said,

“I’m a hunter too, up

here on vacation from

New York City.”

The men all introduced

themselves to the man

from the Big Apple

and asked about his

hunting success.

“Well, just last weekend,

I caught the

biggest deer I’ve ever

seen! He was a big’un

for sure, even though

it only had two points.

Oddly enough, it was

also black and white in

color.”

The three men started

laughing so hard they

formed tears in their

eyes. “You idiot, you

shot a cow!”

It floors me when people won’t shop for clothes online for fear

of getting the wrong thing, but will shop online for dating.

Champoux Insurance Agency, Inc.

Honored as Top Performing Agency

Champoux Insurance Agency, Inc. has been recognized by Ohio Mutual Insurance Group President &

CEO Mark C. Russell a one of the company’s Top 10 agencies for Outstanding Profitable Growth in 2021.

Champoux has represented Ohio Mutual since 2016.

“We are honored to recognize Champoux Insurance Agency, Inc. as a key business partner that focuses on

a strong commitment to growing their business in a profitable manner,” said Russell. “They continuously

represent our company’s vision through their strong loyalty in delivering exception customer service by

creating and maintaining lasting relationships.”

Ohio Mutual Insurance Group, founded in 1901, partners with nearly 400 independent agencies to

distribute quality property and casualty insurance products throughout several states, including Maine.

Ohio Mutual has maintained a rating of “A/Stable” from A.M. Best Co. since 1993. More information is

available at www.omig.com.

Home

Auto

Business

and more!

Don’t get mad at lazy people. They didn’t do anything.

THE CHAMPOUX GROUP

CHAMPOUX • PEOPLES • PINKHAM • ROGERS

I N S U R A N C E

We’ve Got

...Your Security is Our Concern!

You Covered

Locally Owned & Operated Since 1999

150 East Avenue, Lewiston 207-783-2246

Out ‘n About at Poland Spring Golf Course for the

13th Annual Pete Simard Golf Benefit

Pretty

in pink!

Rene Thibeault, Matt Ferrante, Jamie Lovejoy, & Daryl Lovejoy

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

24 July 2022 783-7039

The difference between the Black Eyed Peas and chickpeas is that the

Black Eyed Peas can sing a song and the chickpeas can only hummus one.


Why don’t more criminals need exorcisms if possession is nine tenths of the law?

Try one of

our steaks!

Whether it is our chicken and steak

or our surf and turf combos...

we have something for everyone!

The Village Inn

Open Wednesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com • 165 High Street, Auburn

Out ‘n About at

Rolly’s Diner

If my

picture has to

be taken by the

Digest paparazzi,

I’m going to make

sure every staff

member’s picture

is taken!

Out ‘n About at Poland Spring Golf Course for the

13th Annual Pete Simard Golf Benefit

Rita Fournier

True story!

I was trying to hide

out back, but Rita

found me!

Joel Marchand, Charles “Kip” Kipouras,

Bobby Weekley, & Paul Heath

Justin Carver, Jake Verrill,

John Roy, & Zach Braband

•Brewery•taproom•Café•Pinky D’s Food truck•Coffee by Design•

Fiona King

It was

actually my day off

and Rita still made me

take a picture!

Visit our Facebook page for events & beer menu!

1110 MINOT AVE., AUBURN 207.689.3030

/SIDEBYEACHBREWING

WWW.SIDEBYEACHBREWING.COM

April Soto

My dryer was so angry that I overfilled it with wet clothes. I guess it just needed to vent.

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

25


Out ‘n About at

Rolly’s Diner

I never knew my grandfather wore dentures until it came out in conversation.

Steve Kilburn

Nobody

ever laughs at my

breakfast puns.

I swear, some

people can’t take

a yoke.

Lilly Boye

I drink

so much coffee

at breakfast that it

becomes my daily

grind.

Wish Kid

Abby

Uncle Andy’s Digest is a proud supporter

of Make-A-Wish Maine.

Jim Thomas

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

26 July 2022 783-7039

Consider becoming a sponsor of our

8th Annual Summer Block Party.

Visit www.LASummerBlockParty.com or call 207-783-7039

I belong to our local tree preservation society. We have a branch meeting every month.


Would a baby born on a plane be a newborn or an airborne?

Out ‘n About at

Rolly’s Diner

17th Annual

Since 1940

• Restaurant

• Miniature Golf

• Driving Range

• Ice Cream Stand

Glow in the Dark

Mini Golf

When

eggs are sad, they

should just look at

the sunny side up!

August 6th @ 7pm

rollback prices!

Every other Saturday night

beginning July 2nd

9pm - 11:30pm

Great

Family

Fun!

Christine

Morrison

A breakfast

at Rolly’s is a nice

change from the devil

dog and can of Moxie

I usually have.

Join Us!

The Maine Mini Golf Open*

August 7 th @9:30am

*The Maine Mini Golf Open is a 36 Hole Tournament

$20 entry fee • $ 500 1 st place • Cash prizes for top 5

Class nights every

Monday and Wednesday in July & August

Check out our website for details!

Golf Open 10am - 9pm • Restaurant 11am - 9pm

470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn • www.tabersgolf.com

Okay, I’ll admit it, you’re really good at interfering. What do you want, a meddle?

Dave & Anne

Dutil

Natalie & Ellianna

Siegler

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

27


Out ‘n About at

Poland Spring

Golf Course

for the 13th Annual Pete

Simard Golf Benefit

My wife threatened to leave me because she says I live in a fantasy world.

What’s even worse is that she said it in front of my dragon.

Another

year, another

great turnout for

the tournament in

honor of my dad! We

had a great time and

raised a lot of money to

put towards scholarships

for future first responders.

The tournament is

sponsored each year

by the International

Association of Arson

Investigators

(IAAI).

Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

87 Mill Street, New Auburn • 753-0171

RollysNewAuburn.com

Mon – Sat 6 am – 2 pm,

Closed Sunday

If anyone wants a copy of Chiropractors Weekly, I have several back issues.

Your Locally Owned Crystal & Tumbled Stone Shop

Steve Simard

I like

big putts and I

cannot lie!

120 Center Street

Auburn

207-241-2356

Maine Mall

South Portland

207-274-2539

123 Main Street

Freeport

207-885-0900

449 Forest Ave

Portland

207-221-2363

Derek Schelling

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

28 July 2022 783-7039

Crystals, Metaphysical, Holistic Gifts, & MORE!

Tarot, Akashic Records, Reiki, Psychic & Medium Services

www.bridge2heavenhealing.com | www.leapinlizards.biz

I’m not going to wear my glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough.


I hosted a Hide-and-Seek party over the weekend.

I’m having a hard time finding the winner.

Small Office Suites for Lease Month to Month

$350 Gross/Month • 124 Lisbon Street, Lewiston

Private Entrance on Park St. Alley, Steps from Parking

Perfect for Small Startup, Counselors, etc.

Maine Realty Advisors

FRANK CARR

Your real estate investment advisor

Brokering your buying & selling needs

207.252.4881 • Frank@MaineRealtyAdvisors.com

Out ‘n About at

Poland Spring

Golf Course

for the 13th Annual Pete

Simard Golf Benefit

It was a

beautiful day to

be out with friends

golfing and helping

raise money for a

great cause!

Check out our in-store Weekly Ad for our 2022 specials!

Roy’s

Beanie

Chicken Salad, Best in Town & Ham Salad

Babies

Come in and check out our daily specials!

on Sale

Hamburger • Steaks • Chicken • Pork

Here!

Closed

Monday

July 4th

Try our hamburg,

it’s the best!

FOODLAND

Don Nazaroff,

Howie Gooldrup,

& Bob Raymond

SATURDAY

Beans, bread/rolls &

cole slaw

$9.99

WEDNESDAY

Ham, Veggie, Salami,

or Pepperoni Italians

$2.69

PIZZA PACKS

Pizza

Packs

$11.99

70 Broad Street, Auburn • 207-783-8471

www.ShopAtRoysFoodland.com

Mon.-Thurs. 8am-6pm • Fri. 8am-7pm • Sat. 8am-6pm • Sun. Closed

Josh Simard

The Williams Broadcasting Group specializes

in the creative development of both short

format and full length Podcast shows for

radio, television, and the web.

A good

golf partner

is someone

who’s just

a bit worse

than you!

We are the largest producer of full

length podcasts in the country. Shows

like: In The Pits, Bruins Diehards, The

19th Hole, The Liars Club, Animal Chat,

Community, What a Concept, and

Pride Diehards!

(207)-527-2000 | www.williamsbroadcasting.net | john@williamsbroadcasting.net

I could say that I enjoy putting my feet up and relaxing, but I’d be lying.

Jim Barnes &

Nikki Canney

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

29


Out ‘n About at

Poland Spring

Golf Course

for the 13th Annual Pete

Simard Golf Benefit

My neighbor pointed out several slugs in my garden today and told me to get some salt.

Man, that guy will eat anything!

WELCOME TO THE LA METRO CHAMBER

NEW MEMBERS!

Ankh Academy: Luxury In the Hood

Luxuryinthehood.booksy.com

Breakwater Public Adjusting LLC

Breakwateradjusting.com

Anyone

short a team

member? I’m

available!

Owen Bowie,

Calvin Bowie,

James Preble, &

Grayson Bowie

E3, LLC

E3GoGreen.com

Maine Business Advisors

MaineBusinessAdvisors.com

Sasha Lee’s Romance Boutique

SashaLees.com

Finance Authority of Maine

FameMaine.com

Maine DECD

maine.gov/decd

415 LISBON STREET, LEWISTON • LAMETROCHAMBER.COM

My wife bought a new dip stick for her car because the old one never reached the oil.

Gary Bennett &

Craig Farrington

Hey Mark,

are you a scratch

player?

Albert & Burpee Funeral

Home & Cremation Service

207-782-7201

253 Pine Street, Lewiston

www.albert-burpee.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

30

I sure am.

Every time I hit the

ball I scratch my head

and wonder where

it went!

Dan Snow &

Mark Carey

Jimbo

July 2022 783-7039

Traditional Funeral with metal casket & cement graveliner

All services the same day, Monday-Friday

$5995.00

(does not include cemetery, minister, newspapers, & required permits)

I’ve heard that Lady Gaga is a very nice and tolerant person.

The only thing that annoys her is if you Poker Face.


It must be gardening season. Five weeks ago I planted myself on the sofa and I’ve grown considerably.

SEE ME ABOUT EXTENDED RETURNS

HATS

MUGS

Call us for a quote

TODAY!

EMBROIDERY

SCREENPRINTING

Reunions

Summer

Camps

Road Races

Charity 5Ks

WEAR

Contractors &

Landscapers

Work Wear

205 Washington St.

South, Auburn

207-784-4184

coastaltshirts.com

PENS

BAGS

PEOPLE LOVE MAGAZINES.

of all media, which do US internet users say they

TRUST THE MOST?

PRINT.

(Marketing Sherpa, 2020)

Poisson & Sons Auto Care

260 S. Main Street, Auburn 207.782.9144

FULL SERVICE GAS STATION

SUMMER

July 2022

Stickers are

due!

11 12 1

10 MOTOR VEHICLE

9

8

22

7

0215697

6

23

5

2

3

4

Accounting

& Tax

Service You

Can Trust!

MICHAEL G. SPAULDING, P.A.

Certified Public Accountant

IS HERE!

Time to check your oil &

filter, fluid levels, tire

pressures, & battery. Don’t

forget to have your brakes

inspected!

OUTSIDE

is the New Inside

Soft Serve Maple

Ice Cream!

Open Thurs.-Sun. 10a-5p

Tax Planning & Preparation

for Individuals and Business

207.782.1040

9 Grove Street, Auburn

mspaulding@androscoggin.tax

CALL OF THE WILD

RV CENTER

848 Main Street, Oxford

207-539-4410

www.callofthewildrv.com

Shuga Shak Country Store

Maple Baked Beans

every Saturday!

Wine • Local Products

Honey • Pickles • Jams

Candies • Crafts...

and much more!

450 Pigeon Hill Road

(Rte 26), Mechanic Falls

207-576-7886

I just won a muscle loss competition and all I got was atrophy.

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

31


BUSINESS

SP TLIGHT

Richard Moylan

(207) 777-0050

791 Kittyhawk Ave. Unit 5, Auburn

richardmoylan@allstate.com

Insurance and coverages subject to terms.

qualifications and availability. Allstate Property

and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Fire and

Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook, Illinois

© 2010 Allstate Insurance Company

207-333-5022

kaytdavispt@gmail.com

Therapy in the home.

Most insurances accepted.

207.577.6484

528 Lincoln Street

Lewiston

207-782-7141

Pooper Scooping Services

We scoop so you don’t have to!

Accepting Weekly

& Biweekly Clients

207-713-1550

LISBON

FALLS

OPEN FOR BUSINESS

During Road Construction

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

32

Jimbo

July 2022 783-7039

The Sausage Kitchen

36 Main Street, Lisbon Falls

207-353-5503

Open for business

Thurs-Sat: 9-5 • Sun 8-2

ROGERS

INSURANCE

38 Main Street

Lisbon Falls, ME

207-353-6834

Open During

Road Work

A Therapeutic & Holistic Center for Healing

Where you can

Breathe in and Zen out

Where you can Breathe in & Zen out

Swedish - Deep Tissue - Sports - Prenatal - Reflexology - Trigger

Point Release - Reiki - Ear Candling - Raindrop Technique -

Shamanic Healing

Licensed Massage Therapists

7 Main Street, Lisbon Falls

207-740-0068

Licensed Massage Therapist

Ashley Wood - Richelle Keefe - Linette Mailhot - Brenna Young

7 Main Street

Lisbon Falls

207-740-0068

www.massagebook.com/essentially balanced

www.massagebook.com/essentiallybalanced

Facebook.com/EssentiallyBalancedLMT

The IRS sent me a letter telling me my tax payment was outstanding.

I was very happy considering I can’t even remember sending it in.


Meatloaf was much less successful under his original stage name, Spam Fritter.

Out ‘n About at

Poland Spring

Golf Course

for the 13th Annual Pete

Simard Golf Benefit

41st season

Bill Murphy and

Jack Trull

It takes

fore golfers to

change a light bulb!

No Rain Location This Summer. Check Website for Concert Status.

Join us each week and

enjoy popular hit songs

from the '60's through

the present!

Bring

your

own

chair

For more information visit us online at

www.auburncommunityband.com

Dana Connon &

Will Flanders

Golf is a

lot like taxes. You

go for the green

and wind up in the

hole.

evergreen

custom printing

Your Full Service Printer

i

n c

Tyler Arsenault &

Kevin Rickett

Before the Iron Age, did people just walk around in wrinkled clothes?

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

33


When I retire, I’m still going to get up at 6:00am and drive around really slow, making everyone late for work.

HEALTH & FITNESS

VIAGRA and CIALIS USERS! 50 Generic Pills SPECIAL $99.00.

100% guaranteed. 24/7 CALL NOW! 888-445-5928 Hablamos

Español

Dental insurance - Physicians Mutual Insurance Company. Covers

350 procedures. Real insurance - not a discount plan. Get your free

dental info kit! 1-855-526-1060 www.dental50plus.com/ads #6258

Attention oxygen therapy users! Inogen One G4 is capable of full

24/7 oxygen delivery. Only 2.8 pounds. Free info kit.

Call 877-929-9587

MISCELLANEOUS

Prepare for power outages today with a GENERAC home standby

generator $0 Down + Low Monthly Pmt Request a free Quote.

Call before the next power outage: 1-855-948-6176

Eliminate gutter cleaning forever! LeafFilter, the most advanced

debris-blocking gutter protection. Schedule free LeafFilter estimate

today. 15% off Entire Purchase. 10% Senior & Military Discounts.

Call 1-833-610-1936

AT&T Internet. Starting at $40/month w/12-mo agmt. 1 TB of data/

mo. Ask how to bundle & SAVE! Geo & svc restrictions apply.

1-855-364-3948

BATH & SHOWER UPDATES in as little as ONE DAY! Affordable

prices - No payments for 18 months! Lifetime warranty & professional

installs. Senior & Military Discounts available.

Call: 855-761-1725

Donate Your Car to Veterans Today! Help and Support our Veterans.

Fast - FREE pick up. 100% tax deductible.

Call 1-800-245-0398

HughesNet - Finally, super-fast internet no matter where you live.

25 Mbps just $59.99/mo! Unlimited Data is Here. Stream Video.

Bundle TV & Internet. Free Installation. Call 866-499-0141

!!OLD GUITARS WANTED!! GIBSON, FENDER, MARTIN, Etc.

1930’s to 1980’s. TOP DOLLAR PAID. CALL TOLL FREE

1-866-433-8277

Looking for assisted living, memory care, or independent living? A

Place for Mom simplifies the process of finding senior living at no

cost to your family. Call 1-844-428-0445 today!

Become a published author. We want to read your book! Dorrance

Publishing trusted since 1920. Consultation, production, promotion

& distribution. Call for free author’s guide 1-877-729-4998 or

visit dorranceinfo.com/ads

Paying top cash for men’s sportwatches! Rolex, Breitling, Omega,

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Special offer w/code CARE20 for $20 off Mobile Companion.

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DISH TV $64.99 For 190 Channels + $14.95 High Speed Internet.

Free Installation, Smart HD DVR Included, Free Voice Remote.

Some restrictions apply. Promo Expires 1/21/23. 1-866-479-1516

The Generac PWRcell solar plus battery storage system. Save

money, reduce reliance on grid, prepare for outages & power your

home. Full installation services. $0 down financing option. Request

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

34 July 2022 783-7039

Most people think I’m younger than my actual age until they hear me stand up.


I just joined a dating website for pyromaniacs. They send me new matches every day.

I usually

play in the low

80s. Anything hotter

than that, I won’t

play.

Out ‘n About at Poland Spring Golf Course for the

13th Annual Pete Simard Golf Benefit

Golf is a

game invented by

God to punish people

who retire early.

The future’s

so bright, we gotta

wear shades.

Divine

Intervention

Submitted by Tyla Davis

The local pastor decided

to skip church one

Sunday morning. It was

a beautiful day and he

decided he’d rather go

golfing than prepare his

sermon.

Dan Roy & Todd

Zsiga

Driving

a golf cart can be

tough, but I’ve got it

down to a tee.

Mark Bosse &

Tom Printup

Mike Swart

I always

carry an extra

pair of pants when

I’m golfing in case

I get a hole in

one.

Preston & Kevin

Chapman

Perry Goodspeed &

Travis Pontbriand

Robert Porter &

Matt Dunn

The primary

components of a

good golfer’s diet are

lots of greens and

water.

He told his assistant

that he wasn’t feeling

well and that he was

going to go back to

bed and didn’t want to

be disturbed. He then

drove to a golf course

in a different city, where

nobody knew him.

The pastor teed off on

the first hole. A huge

gust of wind caught the

ball, carried it an extra

hundred yards, and

dropped it right into the

hole. A 450-yard hole

in one... he couldn’t

believe it!

The pastor’s guardian

angel was watching all

of this take place from

Heaven. He turned to

God stunned and said,

“That was unbelievable.

What did you do that

for? That pastor sinned

by lying to his assistant

and skipping church,

and you’re going to

reward him with a shot

like that?”

God smiled and said,

“Who is he going to be

able to tell?”

Derek Ray &

Jacob Bissonnette

Justin Greenleaf

& Grant Sperry

Roger Theriault &

Danielle Martin

Legend states that when you’re overwhelmed and on the verge of a breakdown,

a small child will appear to tell you that you cut their sandwich wrong.

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

35


Out ‘n About at

Poland Spring

Golf Course

for the 13th Annual Pete

Simard Golf Benefit

I was told a bunch of funny cash machine jokes yesterday,

but I can’t remember any of them ATM.

Pam Bernier &

Jack Ricker

I hope my

team continues to

have great rounds of

golf!

We’re Hiring Delivery Drivers - we offer Aflac.

Please be patient with us as we are short-staffed

10 Memorial Street, Lisbon • 207-241-0270 • www.a1lausedappliance.com

Hours: Closed Sun, Mon, Tues; Wed-Sat 9:00am-5:00pm

The say the grass is greener on the other side, but mine was just brown with worms.

Kevin Chase &

Bob Chase

JOIN A TEAM THAT VALUES ITS MEMBERS!

Scan here to

Apply Today!

Agreed!

May the fores be

with you!

www.debloiselectric.com

Immediate openings for

experienced licensed electricians

Dave O’Connell &

Jeff Mack

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

36 July 2022 783-7039

Apparently Boy George’s pet lizards bite people up to five times a day.

He needs a calmer chameleon.


If you hold a crab up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by a crab.

Make your

reservation

now!

A place the whole family will LOVE!

LA’s One & Only True Hibachi Experience!

Out ‘n About at

Poland Spring

Golf Course

for the 13th Annual Pete

Simard Golf Benefit

Where can

you find me on a

beautiful afternoon?

Out clubbing!

40 East Avenue, Lewiston • 207-795-6888 • www.sea40me.com

ENJOY YOUR SPACE THIS SUMMER!

We have everything you need to get the job done!

Mulches & Soils, Yard Cleanup Tools, and much more!

Lisa Laliberte &

Egan Nadeau

OXFORD HILLS FAVORITE

PIZZA & SANDWICH SHOP!

Deli Sandwiches • Fresh Dough Pizzas

Breakfast Sandwiches and More!

186 Sabattus Road, Sabattus • (207) 375-6253

July Special

2 Grilled Brown Hot

Dogs on Toasted Rolls

ONLY $ 3 .49 plus tax

Pete Nadeau &

Dan Roderick

To some

golfers, their

biggest handicap is

adding correctly.

Voted one of Maine’s Best Pizza Places!

2016 WMTW Facebook Fan poll

POLLY’S VARIETY

115 King Street, Oxford

207-539-8254 • www.pollysvariety.com

Monday - Tuesday: 5:30am - 7:00pm • Wednesday - Saturday: 5:30am - 8:00pm • Sunday: 6:00am - 7:00pm

The police just came to my house looking for a man with one eye.

You would think they’d have better luck using both.

Expires 7/31/22

Luke Bushey &

Bob Pinder

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

37


Out ‘n About at

Poland Spring

Golf Course

for the 13th Annual Pete

Simard Golf Benefit

I spent eight hours stacking donuts. My day was jam packed.

Saturday, August 13 th

1:00 - 9:00pm

OUTSIDE, NEXT TO MAC’S GRILL

1052 Minot Ave. Auburn

UNCLE AND

pres

Deb & Jeff Small

Fun for

Everyone!

The game

of golf is 90%

mental and 10%

mental.

John & Prudie

Duross

I have a

driving ambition

to be a better

golfer.

• Kid’s Zone w/ 95' Inflatable

Obstacle Course

• HUGE Silent Auction

• Dunk Tank

• Face Painting

• Mr. Drew & His Animals Too

• Great Food

• Beer Garden & Full Bar

• 50/50

A great

Community

Event!

Food, Fun, & M

hoste

OUR AMAZING

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

38

Bob Libby &

Scott Craig

Jimbo

July 2022 783-7039

Alternative Sprinkler

Fire Protection

I had to put my dog down yesterday; my arms were getting really tired.


Y’S DIGEST

ents

www.conjunctivitis.com – now that’s a site for sore eyes.

3

BANDS!

1:00-3:00pm:

Continental Shakedown

3:00-5:00pm:

The Smith Collaboration

6:00-9:00pm: Fire in the Hole

Out ‘n About at

Poland Spring

Golf Course

for the 13th Annual Pete

Simard Golf Benefit

Hey Dad,

do you think my

golf game is

improving?

Because of YOU

we’ve been able to raise over

$445,000 and grant 63 wishes to local

kids facing critical illnesses. Help

us make our 8th Annual event

the best yet!

John Warden &

Derek Schelling

Absolutely!

You miss the ball

much closer than you

used to!

usic to Benefit

d by

A Summer Event You

Won’t Want to Miss!

Mark Schelling &

Scott Sparks

SPONSORS!

LASummerBlockParty.com

Community Sponsors:

Bancroft Contracting

Champoux Insurance

CN Brown

Fortin Funeral Homes

Media Partners:

Ken Knauer &

Jill Ricker

I just put $20 in my gas tank to bring it from a lowercase e to an uppercase E.

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

39


Office, Restaurant, & Light

Industrial Cleaning Services

Mike Magretto

Veteran Owned & Operated

EmeraldJanitorialServices.com 207-530-8890

CALL THE PROS

Now offering Maine-made

CBD PRODUCTS!

Call to

book your

personalized

treatment!

Mon., Wed.

Thu. 9a-7p

Fri. 11a-7p

Sat. 12p-5p

229 Center Street, Auburn

(207) 402-8654

www.lamassagemaine.com

REDEMPTION CENTER

6

on all 5¢ returns

¢

with this coupon.

(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)

Located in the building behind Dad’s Place

Hours: Wednesday - Sunday 9am - 5pm

(closed Mondays, Tuesdays, & Major Holidays) UAD exp. 7.31.22

We make you LOOK GREAT!

FULL COLOR BOOKLETS & MORE!

Booklets • Posters • Carbonless forms

Envelopes • Business Cards & More!

Call today for a free quote!

SUMMER’S COMING - IS YOUR VEHICLE READY?

RON’S

TRANSMISSION

REPAIR SERVICE

Your Full Service Repair Facility

Summer Vehicle Maintenance

Checks Done Here

Tires, brakes, battery, engine oil and

other fluids, wiper blades, & belts/hoses

Ron Charpentier, Jr.,

Owner

515 Gardiner Rd. Wales 375-4924

WEBSITES THAT WORK

Design. Build. Brand. Market.

60 Broad Street, Auburn • 207-782-0525 • evergreencustomprinting.com

OFFERING

Residential

Commercial

Clean Outs

Roll Offs

844-ME-TRASH

844-638-7274

The only thing we don’t throw away is our customer service!

SERVING

Oxford Hills • Lewiston/Auburn• McFalls/Minot/Poland

Bridgton/Denmark • Raymond/Naples

9 Marston St. Norway, Ste.3 • TiceWasteManagement.com

www.MaineWeb.co

Unlimited Wash Combos

Combo #2

24 .95

$

24 per

Combo #3

includes:

.95

month

.95

$ 29 .95

per month

exterior wash,

underbody, &

poly sealant

includes: exterior

wash, underbody,

rust inhibitor, wheel

brite, tire shine, &

wax

7 Lincoln St. Lewiston

207.782.4009 • YvonsCarWash.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

40 July 2022 783-7039

I lost my sense of smell.

Being a good parent is knowing how to unwrap a Kit Kat without making any noise.

Does anyone know how I can go back to my default olfactory settings?


CALL THE PROS

ENJOY THE TASTES OF

SUMMER ON OUR DECK

85 Center Street, Auburn

207-784-8221 • 11a-9p daily

Serving great food since 1985

MAKING SENSE OF

TECHNOLOGY

• New device setup and lessons

• Network support & maintenance

• Device repairs

AND MORE!

Angela’s Computer

& Electronic Services

207-520-9573 • angelascms.com

Coach Terry’s

REDEMPTION CENTER

Closed July 4th

The friendly redemption center

8 Tidswell Road

Turner

207-225-2008

Open daily 8am to 4pm

FARRELL ENTERPRISES

BUILDINGS AND PROPERTIES CLEANED

Summers go by faster than ever!

Get rid of the junk before the

white stuff flies!

Nearly Anything Removed

Trash • Metals • Demolition & More!

Fully Insured

Michael Farrell 207-576-2501

Serving those who serve

SERVING our THOSE community

WHO SERVE OUR COMMUNITY

Andy Valley

Insurance & Retirement

Call

for your

FREE QUOTE

Today!

Your Vision.

Our Expertise.

Kitchens, Baths,

Decks & More!

Andy Valley Insurance & Retirement

(207) 783-3660

https://agents.horacemann.com/AVIR Auto | Home | Life | Retirement

AM-C04353 (Sep. 21)

horacemann.com

909 Minot Ave, Auburn | 207-783-3660 | https://agents.horacemann.com/AVIR

SCUBA

CLASSES!

Offering both private

& small group lessons

Make your own schedule!

805 Main Street, Lewiston

784-7300

skindiversparadise.net

207-212-7791

www.vghomeimprovements.com

FINE LINE GUN SHOP

207-998-2374

Ralph & Mary Sleeper

Guns • Ammo • Supplies

Check out

our Facebook

page for our

newest

inventory!

finelinegun@aol.com

590 Plains Road, Poland

Sometimes I think I have my life together, but then my windshield gets foggy

and I don’t know what temperature to use to get rid of it.

Uncle Andy’s Digest

July 2022 UncleAndys.com

...with

Jimbo

41


CALL THE PROS

We continue to grow

due to excellent customers

and their referrals.

Sincere Thanks to all.

207-784-9356

Lincoln Street

RADIATOR SHOP

Family owned & operated since 1967

RADIATOR OR A/C ISSUES?

THE SUMMER HEAT CAN BE BRUTAL!

Our team of experts,

with our state-of-the-art

diagnostics, will have

your vehicle running

in no time!

1522 Lisbon Street, Lewiston Monday-Friday: 8a-5p

Listen Up

Submitted by Tyla Davis

A wife was talking to

her husband one day

and noticed he was

watching television

and not paying attention

to her.

Out ‘n About at Poland Spring Golf Course for the

13th Annual Pete Simard Golf Benefit

“Hey! I’m trying to talk

to you! You need to listen

better!” she yelled

angrily.

“Maybe if you wanted

someone to listen to

everything you say,

you should have married

someone like Davey

Crockett. I’m sure

he was a good listener

with his three ears,”

replied the husband.

“Davey Crockett didn’t

have three ears,” the

irked wife retorted.

“Sure he did. He had

a right ear, a left ear,

and that wild front ear

they’re always singing

about.”

Leo Angelides, Rod Cameron,

Mike Labonte, & Scott Whalen

Michael, Dan, and Janet Perreault,

& Mike Knapp

Matt Clancy, Jordan Gaudet,

Steve Gould, & James Butler

Mike Anderson, Ryan Tripp,

Mike Noel, & Jake Robitaille

Paul Mahoney, Matt Elliott,

Tim Delaney, & Scott Popovich

Ray Masse, Todd Hartford,

Glenn Therrien, & Bill Conroy

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

42 July 2022 783-7039

I am a pretty amazing ventriloquist, even if I do say so myself.


My online gym website asked me to accept cookies. I think it’s a trick.

Six Locations,

Wholesale &

Redemption

BEER. WINE. SPIRITS

AUBURN

301 Main Street, Auburn | 783.9098

545 Minot Ave, Auburn | 783.2047

3 0 Y e a r

Anniversary

LEWISTON

794 Sabattus Street, Lewiston | 783.6353

686 Main Street, Lewiston | 344.1200

1420 Lisbon Street, Lewiston | 333.3095

OXFORD

980 Main Street, Oxford |539.6072

RoopersBeverage.com

The PARTY starts with ROOPERS

SILVERBACK

DIRT

Excavation Services/Dirt Work

No Job Too Small!

DEP Certified near waterways • Fully insured

BEFORE

AFTER

Save Money

Reclaiming Product

Reuse Existing Material

Work in Narrow Areas

Road Grading

Road & Driveway

Grading

Roger Dargie

207-754-2703

dargie2013@gmail.com

I’m thinking of becoming a McDonald’s ice cream machine so I never have to work again.


YOUR VEHICLE WILL LOVE YOU FOR IT!

Pricing

RUST PROTECTION

Heavy duty pickup ...... $159.95

Full size van .......... $159.95

2 door pickup . ......... $149.95

X-large SUV . .......... $159.95

3 & 4 door pickup ....... $159.95

Any car .............. $139.95

Mini van ............. $149.95

Sm., Med., or Lg. SUV ... $149.95

It’s NEVER too late to

rustproof your vehicle!

Plus applicable taxes

23 Lisbon St., Lisbon/Lewiston line • theshopclassicrestorations.com • 207-353-6100

the ULTIMATE in RUST PROTECTION

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

RMS has joined the Guild Mortgage family

We are stronger together

Debbie Bodwell

NMLS# 280336

Debbie.Bodwell@guildmortgage.net

181 Center Street, Auburn, ME 04210

207.754.3962

I am authorized to do business in the states of Maine, North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia. (www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org)

Guild Mortgage Company; NMLS #3274; Equal Housing Opportunity; www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org.

“Reflection reveals that a lifelong career choice (and a lot of hard work)

bring you to that place where you were destined to be.” —Jimbo

Ready for Summer Fun?!

Schedule your pool service today!

Monday - Friday: 9a-5p, Saturday: 9a-4p

1975 Lisbon St., Rte. 196, Lewiston

783-0858 • www.abcpool.com

Ask us about our

eco-friendly line!

Low

Chlorine!

44 July 2022 783-7039 UncleAndysDigest.com

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