Focus on the Family Magazine - October/November 2022

COUPLES / IN-LAW CONFLICT
After feeling belittled by my husband’s
family, I found a way to be at peace with
my place at their table
BY KAREN EHMAN
I WAS EAGER to place my firstever
homemade pie among the sweet
offerings at my husband’s extended
family’s get-together. Grabbing a can
of whipped cream as I headed out the
door, I envisioned satisfied smiles and
sincere compliments surrounding my
pretty pumpkin pastry.
What I hadn’t anticipated, however,
was a backhanded comment about
how my husband’s family never sprays
canned whipped cream onto their pies.
They whip fresh cream and grate nutmeg
on top. Sigh. My hopes of holiday
glory were deflated, and I felt like a
culinary flop.
I’ve had my mothering skills subtly
slammed, my method of mashing potatoes
called into question—and worse.
Amid the different personalities, lifestyles,
religious beliefs and political
views—even opinions on pie toppings—
these gatherings had the potential to
cause tension in my marriage. But I
came to realize loving my in-laws was
an extension of loving my husband.
A fresh perspective
Happy family gatherings didn’t always
materialize, and my feelings were
repeatedly—and sometimes deeply—
hurt. Although I couldn’t change
the people or circumstances, I could
change my outlook and honor my
husband.
I started to rely on Romans 12:18
when interacting with my husband’s
extended family members: “If it is possible,
as far as it depends on you, live
at peace with everyone” (NIV). I’m not
single-handedly responsible for bringing
peace to family gatherings and can’t
close the curtain on every scene of
drama. But I can control my words and
actions.
At peace
As far as it depends on me, I can
behave.
I can change the subject. I can
speak in a calm tone when answering
a combative person. I can go play
with the children or quietly do the
dishes. Or I can simply say nothing
at all.
As far as it depends on me, I can
weigh each word I say, asking myself
if it’s totally appropriate, completely
necessary and ultimately gracious.
Then later, I can look back and see
I chose—to the best of my ability—
to create peace. I can give goodbye
hugs and leave with no regrets. Well,
except for eating that second piece of
pumpkin pie. •
Karen Ehman is a Proverbs 31 Ministries speaker
and a New York Times bestselling author. Karen
and her husband, Todd, reside in Michigan and
have three children.
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Karen Ehman offers ways for busy
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ILLUSTRATION BY SASKIA BUENO
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER 2022