When You’re The Adult in the Room_Chapter1

PART 1

WHAT IT HELPS

TO KNOW

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GETTING ENOUGH: ATTACHMENT AND BELONGING

CHAPTER 1

GETTING ENOUGH:

ATTACHMENT AND

BELONGING

To best understand the emotions and behaviours of students in your

classroom, you need to step back in time. Way back.

About 200 million years ago, reptiles were among the most

advanced animals on earth, and humans were nowhere to be seen.

Reptile brains were relatively simple, and had perfected all the bits

and pieces necessary for survival, known as the five Fs: fight, flight,

freeze, feed and … reproductive behaviours. There was no need for

language, planning, wondering, or any of the other extraordinary

cognitive skills we humans have, so their brains were also quite small.

Then something remarkable happened. One of our reptile

ancestors began evolving a new part of their brain that improved

the chances of their offspring reaching adulthood. No longer did the

young animal basically have to fend for itself after hatching. Instead,

this new brain area was responsible for a stronger relationship

between a mother and its baby—a bond that lasted much longer into

the young animal’s development. This enduring attachment between

mother and baby was the beginning of the rise of mammals.

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WHEN YOU’RE THE ADULT IN THE ROOM

With these new capabilities, the mother, and then the herd,

actively nurtured and protected the young, giving them a much

greater chance of surviving those dangerous early years. This mammalian

attachment between parent and offspring gave protection and

closeness, nurturing and care, and guidance in learning about the

world—advantages that, over millions of years, ensured mammals

became dominant throughout much of the earth.

About one million years ago, a new type of mammal evolved:

the human. We still had the reptilian part of our brain—survival

and safety were still our foremost needs—and we still had our

mammalian brain—attachment (belonging, caring and being cared

for) was still the next most important need. But our new human

brain was massively expanding, literally filling up our head, and

with it came our ability to think, plan, wonder, understand cause and

effect, sing, talk and do all the other things that humans can do, such

as learn to read and write.

Yet, even as humans became smart, flexible and thoughtful,

deep down the reptilian and mammalian parts of our brain were

as influential as ever. Before we can think, we need to feel securely

connected. And before we can feel securely connected, we need to

feel safe.

When it comes to your students, at times you will be teaching a

thoughtful human, but at other times you will be teaching an insecure

mammal or a frightened, enraged or frozen reptile (see Chapter 3 for

more on this).

All children have a deep and overwhelming need to be attached,

and attachment theory is a helpful way of understanding how this

need influences their emotions and behaviours.

Attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby 3 in the

1950s and continues to be a major influence in our understanding

of child development. It arose from observations that a child’s early

nurture experiences seemed to be strongly associated with how they

developed emotion regulation, how they related to others, and how

they viewed themselves in the long term. It is now an enormous

field, encompassing brain imagery, neurochemistry and evolutionary

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studies as well as classic longitudinal studies, and is getting bigger

every year.

To apply attachment theory in an educational context, it is

important to understand these two points:

1 A child’s main motivation is to be safe. Nothing moves him

like feeling unsafe, and all other needs become secondary

if feeling under threat. To be able to adequately learn and

cooperatively interact with others, a student must first feel

safe.

2 A child’s main way of experiencing safety is by feeling securely

connected and belonging to a protective and nurturing person

or group.

These attachment needs are deeply ingrained patterns that are a

function of a child’s temperament and experiences in the first three

years of their life (all prior to the development of logical thought

and of course any connection with formal education). They become

the template for all future relationships. When relating to others,

children tend to follow well-worn patterns that have little to do with

the logic or the reality of the current situation. These patterns are also

resistant to change. This is why when you ask a misbehaving student,

‘Why did you do that?’ you will sometimes get the answer, ‘I don’t

know’—because they often genuinely don’t know. What drove their

emotional responses and behaviour came from their mammalian or

reptilian brain, the more unconscious and automatic parts of their

mind.

At times, the young people I see talk to me about their confusing,

intense and mixed emotions by saying: ‘I don’t know why I feel and

behave the way I do. It doesn’t make sense.’

This is where understanding can be so helpful. Your student may

not understand their intense emotions, relationship patterns and

behaviours, but you can. Your understanding can guide how to best

respond to their strong emotions and tricky relating styles, and may

even help them understand themselves and develop new patterns

of coping and relating. Understanding can also trigger empathy,

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and help you reframe the irritating and attention-seeking child as

an insecure and attachment-seeking child. The former you feel like

dismissing, the latter you feel more like nurturing.

Though you are not the child’s parent, because you are an adult

figure who cares, provides for and nurtures them, at some level you

are an attachment figure. To understand a child’s relationship and

emotional life and the implications for you in the classroom, it helps

to have a basic understanding of attachment theory.

ATTACHMENT AND SAFETY

During the nine months of pregnancy, a child is literally attached to

their mother. Her body provides everything the growing infant needs:

they are never cold, hungry or alone, and suffer little discomfort.

They are also constantly surrounded by the music of their mother’s

heartbeat and voice. This is one of the reasons why singing and

rhythmic movements such as rocking and walking (especially at 60

to 80 beats per minute—the mother’s heart rate) is so soothing to

children when they are distressed.

In fact, to the most ancient part of our brain, anything that

mimics the womb can be experienced as soothing (see Chapter 3).

Music and Rhythm is Soothing and Connecting

When I was consulting in the Kimberley, in remote northwest Australia,

I visited an Aboriginal school that had a number of kids with intellectual

challenges. Transitions are often a difficult time for children in general,

but particularly for children with disabilities. One of the teachers had

developed a novel approach to helping the kids focus when ending one

activity and starting another. She had taught her students a clapping

rhythm, and when it was time to transition she would start the rhythm and

the students one by one would pick it up (some with sticks, banging the

desk or stomping their feet) until all the students were clapping together.

Once all were doing it (peer pressure helped those more distracted join

in), she would count down to a deep breath they all held until she told

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them what the next activity was. The kids seemed to love it. I asked if it

was a bit distracting for the other classrooms, and was told by the other

teachers they’d rather have 30 seconds of playful and planned music every

30 minutes than the alternative of chaotic and serious yelling that could

go on and on.

When a child is born, the paradise of the womb is lost: the continuous

physical attachment ends and the constant music ceases. For the

first time, a baby can feel hungry, tired, cold, lonely and in pain.

Of course, he does not have words for his discomfort. All he knows

is that he feels awful and he wants that feeling to go away.

So what does an infant do when he feels the discomfort of hunger

or coldness that this separation has allowed? Does he solve his own

problem and fix his own distress? Of course not; he cries and in

crying he makes his problem the mother’s problem to fix. His mother

responds to his cry by going to him, trying to work out what the

problem is, and then doing something to soothe him. The mother

doesn’t support him while he sorts his own problem out; she takes

on the responsibility for solving the problem and saves him from

his distress. In doing this repeatedly, the child develops an enduring

pattern of expectation that if he has a problem, he can complain

and his mother (or attachment figure) will take on and solve his

problems.

This instinctive way of coping with discomfort is very powerful,

and is a way of coping that never leaves us. Though children get

older and discover new and more mature ways of dealing with their

difficulties, when they feel they cannot manage, and if their distress is

high enough, their most automatic way to cope is to try to make their

attachment figure step in and save them. This is quite understandable

and helpful when a child is an infant; but as they grow it is much less

helpful to try to make others responsible for fixing their problems.

In the classroom it is particularly unhelpful.

Though a child’s mother is usually their first attachment

object, anyone who has a nurturing or protecting role becomes an

attachment object for that child. If a father stays at home and is the

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primary carer, the father will become the primary attachment object

with all the expectations of care and saving that goes along with

this. In times of distress, the child will expect that person to take on

responsibility and fix their problem. They may even blame the person

for the problem being present in the first place. Though this blame

may be absurd and illogical at a ‘human brain’ level, at a ‘mammal

brain’ level it makes perfect sense.

At times, particularly if the distress is high or they feel overwhelmed,

your students may respond to you as if their difficulties

are your problem to solve or even that you caused them, because at

an emotional and relational level they are interacting with you as if

you are their mother.

Teachers are not alone in experiencing this. Any profession with

the ‘mother-like’ responsibilities of nurturing, caring, or teaching

will result in workers experiencing these intense and at times absurd

expectations from the people they are working with. Being female

also increases attachment expectations, as people often expect more

nurture and care (and thus fixing and saving) from females than

males.

It is no surprise that teaching, nursing, medicine and social

work are on the list of the top stressful jobs for women. The higher

emotional and relational cultural expectations of females may also

play a role in the higher rates of stress and anxiety experienced by

women. Though a generalisation, male teachers tend to have an

easier time regarding emotions and behaviours in the classroom

because at an attachment level, students tend to expect less of them.

The closer emotional connection you have with a student, the

stronger the potential for triggering excessive expectations of you

in the student. I advise teachers the same thing I advise doctors and

nurses if they want longevity in the profession: maintain a moderate

level of closeness with the children you work with. Be friendly, but

not their friend. Be caring, but not their carer. Want your students to

do well, but never need them to do well, because then you are likely

to take on their problems as your own. The boundaries explained

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later in the book can help keep the attachment balance healthy,

as can the simple mantra, ‘Their difficulties are my business, but not

my problem’.

The secure base: a place to reconnect and repair

A good enough mother is a secure base, a place a child can always

go to reconnect and repair, a place of certainty and relief. As a child

becomes older, development occurs as a series of journeys away

from the parent (taking a risk) and back to them (returning to safety

and security). The child’s task is to find the balance between taking

increasing risks as she pushes the boundaries and develops mastery

of new things, and returning to security to recharge her emotional

battery. On returning, she shares the excitement of her successes, or

is comforted in her failures. Whether she succeeds or fails is irrelevant

to whether she gets enough or is good enough, and thus success or

failure is no big deal—either way she knows she is OK.

This going away and coming back, making mistakes and

experiencing repair, happens constantly throughout childhood, and

it is the stuff of learning and growth. If a child never takes a risk and

leaves, she may stay safe, but she learns nothing new. It is vital that

students make mistakes and are confronted with this reality. How

terrible for a child if all their wishes were met and mistakes ignored,

and repairing a problem was never needed. Such a child would be

spoiled, as they would be poorly prepared for the unwanted realities

of life and at risk of the chronic misery of pervasive disappointment

once they leave the protection of their home. An early supervisor

once said to me, ‘A spoilt child is one who gets everything they want,

but nothing that they need’. Similarly, how terrible for a child if the

adult never made a mistake for which they had to model repair, from

which the child could then observe and learn.

Fortunately, being a perfect adult is impossible. But even the

attempt to be perfect can cause problems. Far better to aim for being

a good enough adult.

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Security and Insecurity

If security is that wonderful and comforting experience of getting

enough by being close enough and connected enough to your carer

and protector, then insecurity is its opposite; the experience of feeling

disconnected, distant and in danger. Though insecurity feels bad,

it is actually a good thing for a child to feel it. She needs to feel

uncomfortable if she finds herself too far away and in a dangerous

situation, otherwise she won’t be motivated to return to where it is

safer.

From an evolutionary perspective, insecurity has been vital for

our species’ survival. Children in early hunter-gatherer tribes would

have been surrounded by many life-threatening hazards, and their

survival would have depended on adequate protection by the adults

in their tribe. To be separated, abandoned or unattached would have

meant death. Those who survived were programmed to feel insecure

when too far away from their guardians. In other words, human

beings have evolved to do whatever it takes to feel attached and

secure. Nothing else is as important, and all else (including learning,

thinking, playing and exploring) will be sacrificed to attain this goal

of safety.

Feeling secure early on = ‘Can they see and reach me enough?’

Have you ever been at a park with a child who is about 18 months

old? Perhaps you were sitting on the rug and the child toddled away.

At a very predictable distance, the child probably turned around

to see whether you were watching them. If they were within a

particular distance (their invisible safety circle, which was unique

for them according to their temperament) they would continue their

exploration and play. But if they found themselves beyond a certain

distance (outside the safety circle) or they thought you were not

looking at them, couldn’t see them, or were focusing on someone

else, they would do something to get your attention, try to get you

to come to them, or come running back to you.

The reason for such behaviour can be explained by attachment

theory. In those early years, if they were within the safety circle they

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felt secure: they could think, play and explore freely because if they

got into trouble they could be reached by their protector. But when

they found themselves outside that circle of protection their ability to

think, play and explore was overridden by insecurity and the drive to

get back ‘across the line’ where they believed they would be in reach

and safe. When a child feels secure, they can simply ‘be’. When a

child feels insecure, they are driven to ‘do’.

Feeling secure later on = ‘Am I on their mind enough?

Do they understand me?’

As a child develops, and journeys away become further and longer,

the measure of security changes from physical distance (‘Am I within

their reach?’) to psychological distance (‘Am I on their mind?’).

He feels OK if he believes you are thinking about him and that you

know where he is. In other words, he is certain he has enough of

your attention.

Attention-seeking behaviour can be reframed as ‘attachmentseeking’

behaviour; driven by the child’s wish to feel safe. This means

a child can be standing right next to you, yet feel very insecure because

they do not believe they are on your mind enough. Conversely, they

can be many kilometres away, yet feel completely secure because they

believe they are on your mind enough.

Note, however, it is not whether you are actually thinking about

them that matters, but whether the child believes you are. This is an

important distinction to keep in mind. You may be thinking about

them, yet they feel insecure because they believe you are not (or not

thinking of them enough). Children who feel basically secure are

actually on their adults’ minds very little, but it is enough for them.

In contrast, insecure children are often on their adults’ minds five, 10,

20 times as much, but it is not enough. As one mother said, ‘What

does she want from me? She says I never think of what she wants,

but all I ever do is think about her.’

The solution for a child’s insecurity is not to think of them more,

but to help the child develop the belief through repeated experiences

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that they get enough of your attention and that they are on your

mind enough.

The experience of being on the mind of another person gives a

sense of security with that person. In Part 2 we explore how to do

this within a classroom in time-appropriate ways. But one powerful

way to provide emotional stability and security to a student is to

demonstrate that you want to understand them. Not that you do

understand them, just that you want to: that they are important

enough that you would wish to, offer to, and attempt to see it from

their perspective.

The pain of insecurity

If you’ve ever wanted to be with someone and been ignored or

rejected by that person, you know what it’s like to feel insecure. Many

popular stories feature main characters who have been abandoned or

orphaned (Luke Skywalker, Oliver Twist, Harry Potter, Annie, Frodo

Baggins) because most of us strongly identify with and fear the pain

of loss and abandonment.

Insecurity is experienced at an emotional level rather than a

logical level, and these emotions can influence children’s thoughts

and behaviours without them even being aware that they originate

from insecurity. There are three powerful groups of emotions

associated with insecurity: sadness, worry and anger.

Sadness

For some children insecurity manifests as feeling mildly upset or teary,

while for others it develops into intense sadness and even depression.

Sadness is sometimes less obvious in students who withdraw and are

very quiet or shy, or who ‘run’ from their emotions through intense

physical activity or obsessive pursuits. Sadness generally occurs when

a child is confronted with an unwanted reality of loss such as missing

out on a desired role, being rejected from a group or ignored by a

friend.

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Worry

This group of emotions includes unease, fear, trepidation, nervousness,

self-doubt, anxiety and panic. Added to this are the physical

symptoms anxiety can produce, such as poor concentration,

insomnia, appetite loss, fatigue and irritability. Worry is less obvious

if expressed in actions such as avoidance, or in physical symptoms

such as headaches or stomach aches. Relationship anxiety and

worrying about not fitting in or making a mistake leading to social

exclusion is a common fear in students. The fear of being bullied has

a large component of the insecurity of exclusion behind it.

Anger

These emotions include frustration, hate and destructive rage. This

anger can be directed at others and at themselves. Anger is obvious

when it is actively expressed through yelling, hitting or sarcasm

(‘By the way, you’re the worst teacher in the world’). It is much less

clear when expressed passively through whining, complaining or

seeking help only to reject the help offered (see Chapter 2 for more

on anger).

Some students seem to have predominantly angry reactions to

their insecurity, triggering negative feelings in their teachers and

often in their peers as well. But in my experience, behind this anger

is a hurt, sad and anxious child. In most anxious students there is

often a thinly veiled judgmental rage directed at others for not being

or doing what was expected. Sad children may be grieving a loss,

but are often also anxious about the possibility of further losses, and

angry that the loss was allowed to occur in the first place.

Think about times that your students have shown sadness,

anger and worry. You will probably find that these arose when they

experienced difficulties in an important relationship, made a mistake

that shamed them in other’s eyes, or felt excluded or disappointed.

Whether their emotions seem to you to be reasonable or absurd is

irrelevant—it is simply how they feel. In this context, emotions are

neither good nor bad; they are simply telling us something.

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Just as pain tells us that we are in danger of damaging our bodies:

• Sadness tells us we have lost something important

• Worry tells us danger is near

• Anger tells us someone has disappointed us

• And all three are associated with the experience of insecurity.

Of course, all these emotions can have different causes, such as

the student worrying about a coming test, the child sad about the

loss of a family member, or the student angry about being teased.

An isolated expression of emotion about an event can happen to

any student regardless of whether they are on the whole secure or

insecure. But if one of your students has strong emotions at many

times and in many places, it increases the likelihood that child is

struggling with a pattern of insecurity and the awful feeling that they

don’t get enough of others, and the corresponding feeling that they

are therefore not good enough for others.

What is enough?

When a child is young, the physical safety circle around their

attachment protector is very small. Their ability to tolerate separation,

discomfort and delay in soothing is correspondingly also very small.

The child wants to be very close with very little discomfort and very

little delay in being soothed, and tolerates poorly any competition

for the presence or mind of their attachment object.

But the child grows up.

From an attachment perspective, growing up is the gradual

process of the child missing out on getting everything they want, and

through acceptance after disappointments, and repair after ruptures,

discovering that though they don’t get everything they wish for, they

get enough of what they need, and it is OK (see Chapter 2 for more

on growing up). With every experience of rupture and repair, the

distance of their safety circle is slightly expanded as they alter their

expectations of what is enough. Waiting for one minute is initially

intolerable, but then they realise and accept that they generally get

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what they need at one minute. Then they are made to wait for two

minutes and this is intolerable, but they realise and accept that they

generally get enough eventually at two minutes. Then they discover

10 minutes is OK, then 20, then 60. Likewise, initially it is intolerable

to not have the total focus of the other person, but through gradual

experiences of increased waiting times and increased sharing of

attention, the child discovers that though she isn’t totally on the

other person’s mind, she is on their mind enough, and it is OK.

As an adult, we (hopefully) have learnt to delay gratification for

what we want for extended periods, a handy skill to have when

dealing with children as you may have to wait extended times to get

from them what you want. Children and adults who generally feel

secure can be thought of as people who have been able to increase the

diameter of their circle of expectations to encompass a wider range

of acceptable situations as being good enough, and are thus able to

tolerate reasonable amounts of waiting, missing out, sharing others,

and mistakes in others and themselves, as their general and repeated

experience is that though they don’t get everything, they usually get

enough. And though they are upset at times, it is generally repaired

enough and everything usually turns out to be OK.

However, if for some reason the developmental process of gradually

increasing what is enough is derailed in some way, the child

can continue to hold on to a smaller circle of what is enough. Such

a child at times will be able to feel secure when they are within that

small circle and be able to play, think, and take a risk. But in the

everyday world, they will find themselves outside the circle too easily

and too frequently. When you are with them one on one or they are

getting all your attention, they will be secure and be able to learn,

laugh, and have few negative emotions. But as soon as they need to

tolerate waiting, experience criticism of their work, or have to share

their attachment object with others, you may have a child who is in

the insecurity realm, and they will exhibit some of the emotions and

behaviours of insecurity.

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ATTACHMENT BEHAVIOURS

So far we have looked at how children feel when they are insecure.

I want to turn now to what they do when they believe they are not

on our minds and feel they don’t get enough of what they need.

Some of these behaviours can seem quite absurd without the frame

of attachment theory to understand them. Keep in mind that an

individual student has developed their enduring behaviours to

meet their attachment needs well before you were in their life.

You have little role in the creation of their particular behaviours.

In the classroom, they are simply playing out relationship patterns

that were formed and honed over many years with their primary

attachment objects. Your own particular relationship with the

student (and your own personal relationship patterns of security and

insecurity) may influence the interactions somewhat, but generally

the overall behavioural patterns they display have occurred many

times prior to you coming along.

In the first months of infancy, a baby’s attachment response

to not getting enough was to cry—one of the few ways he had to

communicate. This resulted in the parent understanding the infant’s

distress, responding appropriately, and the child feeling soothed.

A cry can also be a complaint about not being soothed and being

allowed to become upset in the first place—‘How could you let this

happen to me?’. And a cry can be demanding, in that the child only

considers their own needs, and wants it solved immediately without

any thought to the effect on others.

It is hard to ignore a distressed complaining student. They elicit

mixed emotions in those around them. While you can decide not to

do anything in response to their cry, it is hard to ignore.

At about six weeks of age, babies develop another important

attachment and communication behaviour: smiling. Its purpose

is to encourage others to interact with her. When the child smiles,

typically the adult responds by smiling, laughing and talking to her,

picking her up or playing with her. Like crying, smiling is also an

effective attachment behaviour, but it has the added bonus of meeting

the child’s attachment needs without eliciting the negative emotions

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caused by crying and complaining. In fact, a child’s smile is more like

a request. She is not demanding attention, but asking for it—asking

you to interact with her so that you have a lovely time together.

Crying and smiling are considered the two archetypal attachment

behaviours, and your students will use a mixture of both to try to

meet their attachment needs. Most of us would prefer requesting

smiles, but complaining cries are often used because they can be

more effective.

The smile attachment behaviours

As a child develops, she gradually discovers more subtle and

sophisticated ways to feel secure. Like the smile in infancy, these

positive attachment behaviours are healthy and adaptive ways to feel

connected. They include talking (being interested, being interesting),

being helpful, play and humour (making people laugh) and sharing

experiences. Once they enter the school years, secure students have

generally developed an array of positive behaviours they can use to

get their needs met and feel secure.

Talk

When a child talks to us, and we truly listen to them and try to

understand them, they know they are on our mind. However,

children who feel insecure can overdo talking to the point that we

end up only half-listening, which leaves them feeling insecure.

Much of teaching involves communicating and talking. Lecturing

a classroom of course is not a conversation, and talking at students

will have little connecting value at a relationship level. But any

attempt you make to be interested in a student or the group of

students is gold when it comes to them feeling attached. Cooperation

is more likely if you are curious (as opposed to judgmental) about

their opinions, wondering about their ideas, and reflecting on what

is happening for them. It also gives them a strong sense that they are

on your mind, and that you are interested in them. In the context

of strong emotions and tricky relationships within the classroom,

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having a conversation with a student where you actually want to

understand the student’s point of view will help the student feel

more connected and make a combative interaction less likely. Being

interested in someone, remembering their name, asking about events

they have experienced over the weekend and showing you are trying

to understand them makes them feel secure.

On top of this, finding appropriate ways to be interesting to your

students will also aid the relationship. Don’t overdo it, remember

you are not their friend. But work out your own way of occasionally

sharing moderately personal information that you feel comfortable

with such as travel, your own learning experiences, or amusing

anecdotes. When I coach my under 10 basketball team I occasionally

share with the boys my own basketball experiences, plus other small

things such as school, music, sport, travel and whatever else they may

find interesting. I aim for about a 20-to-one balance of interested

to interesting, with the approach being less is more. And don’t say

anything you wouldn’t want their parents to know or that could

be misconstrued, as there is every chance they will find out and

you may make a needless rod for your own back with the request,

‘please explain’.

Being helpful

We all want to be thought of. We all want to be considered. If we

are sitting alone crying and no one notices or responds, we feel

disconnected and alone. If we are anxious about a coming event and

someone notices and responds to our distress, we feel connected and

comforted. It is why we intuitively understand that remembering

birthdays and other events is important, and why when you meet

another’s need in an appropriate way it builds the relationship.

Our actions are saying, ‘I have noticed and responded to your need;

you are on my mind.’ This also explains why being taken for granted

or ignored is so toxic to relationships: ‘You and your needs are not

on my mind.’

As a teacher, you have multiple students and most of your

help will be generic and class-wide in nature. It is useful to have

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an approach within your class that encourages individual questions

and requests, yet is also confident about what, when and where that

help will be provided considering the needs of the class as a whole.

Helpfulness is an important part of a well-functioning classroom

and also an important learning experience of moral development

(see Chapter 5). Finding ways for everyone to contribute to the class

assists their sense of security with their peers and yourself.

In contrast, an excessive and unhelpful version of being helpful

is the child so intent on pleasing the teacher that it is at the expense

of their relationships with their peers. For some students, their

insecurity shows itself as them desiring to be good by getting the

adult’s approval. They feel a ‘special’ connection with you, but

because of their behaviour, the other students may shun them, and

they miss out on developing the skills of being part of a group and

valuing simply being one of many.

If you encourage the ‘specialness’ (tempting in a busy or difficult

class), it may reinforce that particular student’s unhelpful style, and

you may also be negatively affecting the other students’ sense of

attachment to you and overall group cohesion. In general, you want

to be helpful to all your students within reasonable boundaries, and

encourage reasonable helpfulness from them, with no one being

special.

Play and humour

Shared play is a deeply connecting experience. We often learn best

when playing with an idea or concept. Keeping a curious approach

to learning means that anything can be tried and there is no shame

in making mistakes because ‘we are just playing’. Watching most

toddlers play with blocks is instructive. They try different ways to

stack them, and when the tower falls over, the child laughs and then

tries again. However, the occasional toddler is quite serious with

their block building. When their tower falls over, they get upset, may

even throw the blocks, and walk away from the task. They took the

activity too seriously, and mistakes were experienced as shameful,

unrepairable and to be avoided. Your students have lots of learning

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to do requiring repeated trial and often error. A playful approach

where mistakes are encouraged and to be learnt from avoids the

shame and avoidance that a serious approach can produce.

Of course some things in a classroom are serious. Tipping over

a pot of paint on carpet is serious, as are crude jokes, and tests and

assignments have to be assessed. Being clear about the boundaries

and defining what is ‘not fun anymore’ is vital. But when your students

are within those boundaries, encouraging a playful ‘give it a go

and see’ approach creates a powerful group experience of belonging.

A shared joke is one of the most potent experiences of attachment

and is often a time people feel most connected to others. Stand-up

comedians describe their successes as euphoric and their failures as,

‘I’m dying out here’. Humour is usually subtle and people can only

share your joke if they are concentrating on you; if their mind is

elsewhere they won’t get the joke.

Of course, not all humour is positive. Sarcastic humour or putdowns,

where people share a joke at the expense of another, are

some of the most powerfully disconnecting experiences. Adolescent

children are particularly good at using in-jokes to help define group

membership. If you cast your mind back to school days, you will

remember times when you were ‘in’ and when you were ‘out’ of

particular groups. Being the only one to not get the joke can be a

painfully excluding experience. It is not hard to see that if you put a

child down and shame them, whether in jest or not, you are setting

up an unhelpful dynamic in which trust is replaced with anger (and

with it, often the desire for revenge).

The power of shame

It is incredible the effect a teacher can have on a student, for good or

for ill. I have innumerable positive examples of teachers in my life, but

to highlight the negative effect of shame through sarcasm I present two

examples that still influenced me years after the comments were made.

Age 10 I was in an art class and, considering what happened next,

probably being a bit of a pain. The teacher came up to me and asked to

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see my work and looked it over. She then asked the whole class to look at

my work, stating, ‘Class, this is what you don’t do.’ I don’t quite remember

my feelings at the time, but it gave me a strong and ongoing belief that I

was no good at art. I gave up my interest and stopped making any effort

in art from then on. It was only in my 20s that I began to take an interest

in art again. Incredible how powerful her one-off comment was.

The second story is from secondary school, when I stuttered quite

badly as a student. On my first day at the school during our first assembly,

the seemingly stern assistant principal made it clear that we had to answer

by saying ‘present’ when our name was called, and ‘I don’t want to hear

anything other than that word until it was all done’. My name being Wake,

I had to sit through almost 200 students saying ‘present’, worrying I was

going to stutter quite badly on the P sound, and desperately not wanting

to make a fool of myself in front of my school year. My anxiety level kept

rising, as I sat wondering how to get out of it. When I heard him say my

name I hesitated and instead of saying ‘present’, I answered ‘here’. There

was a collective intake of breath, and then a silence that seemed to last a

lifetime, followed by, ‘Well Wake, you only get one chance to make a first

impression, and you’ve stuffed yours right up.’ I enjoyed that school and

have many fond memories of it, and yet for the six years there, I went out

of my way to avoid that particular teacher.

Sharing experiences

This may sound obvious, but as adults, the people you are most

connected to are usually those with whom you have shared significant

experiences, such as studying, training, working, or travelling. In the

same way, the experiences you have with your students are crucial

to building a connection with them and within the class as a group.

If you can share some significant experience with your class group

then the connection and sense of attachment within the group is

bolstered. Whether it is eating together, classroom chores, exercising,

excursions, camps, singing, contributing, drama, or creating

something, each shared experience becomes an invisible thread

connecting you and the students together. ‘I was there, I witnessed it

and shared it with you.’ Many people have had positive experiences

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of a teacher whom they connected with, shared time with, and they

carry those memories of that teacher through their whole life.

The cry attachment behaviours

If the more subtle positive smile attachment behaviours fail to

achieve their attachment needs (them being on your mind enough),

children will eventually move on to the more powerful negative cry

behaviours. As an example, a smile only works if the parent can see it

and even then it can be ignored; a cry works even if the parent is next

door, and can rarely be ignored. Such demanding and provocative

attachment behaviours are more effective in the short term, but generally

result in combative relations with others, immature coping

strategies and less secure relationships in the long term. If your

student has developed more negative attachment behaviours in their

early development, then when they feel unsettled and insecure in your

classroom they may use them. At a deep level, what they want when

insecure is to be on your mind. Awareness of this can trigger empathy

for the student, hopefully eliciting a firm but caring approach rather

than a frustrated, dismissive or reactive response.

Creating conflict

There is nothing like a fight to get someone to think about you.

When two people are involved in conflict, each person is on the

other’s mind to the exclusion of all else. However, once the fight is

over, people feel even more disconnected and insecure. I have seen

many conflict-ridden families whose members find, perversely, that

it is only through ongoing active or passive conflict that they feel

connected.

Conflict allows people to express anger about being disappointed.

Anger is so effective at drawing attention it is no wonder many

children learn to use it so early and easily (think toddler tantrums).

Conflict with children is inevitable given adults will undoubtedly

disappoint them throughout their development. As attachment

figures in student’s lives, our role as teachers, then, is not to prevent

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them from becoming disappointed and angry but to tolerate their

attacks, gently but firmly helping them learn how to express their

anger in healthier ways. If a student exclaims by words or deeds,

‘I hate you’ or ‘You’re a bad teacher’, instead of reacting with anxiety

or defensiveness, try to tolerate their disappointment in the confident

knowledge that as the adult in the room you are good enough, the

student is getting enough, and say in words or actions, ‘I hear you’

before then dealing with the issue (see Chapter 2 for more about

this).

Provoking by nagging or deceit

Like crying, nagging is hard to ignore. A nagging child is effectively

saying:

• ‘I’m distressed and you don’t care.’

• ‘You are not giving me what I want.’

• ‘I’m feeling hurt by what you are doing.’

Because humans are biologically primed for compassion and to

protect and help children, such accusations can be confronting and

you may either give in to their demands quickly (usually to avoid

your own discomfort), or feel attacked and react negatively (‘Will

you give it a rest for a minute?’). Either reaction is not helpful in the

long term.

When we react to their nagging and provocation, they have our

attention briefly and intensely, but frustration is likely to increase in

the long run. This is because snapping at them will feel like criticism

to them, giving the message that they are ‘not OK’. Over the longer

term this makes them feel more insecure, so they are more likely to

keep nagging.

Lying and deceiving are more complex provocations, and it is

important to understand them in order to respond in the most helpful

way. Broadly, there are two overlapping reasons children will lie or

deceive:

1 To get something they want that they know they can’t have

(less common).

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2 To avoid the shame and embarrassment of not measuring up

to someone else’s expectations (more common).

When a student tells a lie and you feel exasperated, try to remember

that it is a universal experience that they are learning to deal with.

Instead of lecturing them or feeling outraged, you could think of it as

an opportunity to help them understand their desires for the things

they can’t always have, and their fear of being judged and shamed

for not measuring up. But also remember that the lying needs to

be talked about; if it is not discussed it cannot be repaired. They

will likely not want to converse with you about it, to which the

obvious response is, ‘If you can’t talk about something, it is probably

a problem.’

When they lie to you, it is your business, but don’t make it

your problem by taking it personally. It is their problem that they

are trying to deal with their difficult reality (missing out or being

embarrassed) by avoiding through lying and deceiving.

Lying in Class

Jack was causing a lot of trouble in his classroom when I was asked to

help his teacher deal with his frequent lies.

Jack grew up in a family where few issues were repaired. Whenever

there was a disagreement or a fight, people got angry and walked off until

they calmed down. They would then return, but the problem was never

discussed—it was simply allowed to blow over. By way of example, Jack’s

father once criticised his wife while in bed, and she told him to ‘sleep in the

spare room then’. Two months later he was still sleeping there. Then one

night he simply came back to the bed, and everyone behaved as if nothing

had happened. The initial problem was never spoken about or resolved.

Jack had a fear of making mistakes in class. Jack had no confidence

that mistakes were OK or could be repaired, so he discovered early on to

hide his mistakes by lying. He lied about big things, he lied about little

things, he cheated on tests, and he always blamed someone else if things

went wrong. And when he was caught out obviously in a lie, Jack would

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respond to the frustrated teacher by saying ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I don’t

remember’. Six months of the teacher and his parents telling Jack to

stop lying and punishing him had no effect and Jack just dug his heels

in, reinforcing to Jack the power of lying and of refusing to talk about it.

In consultation with the teacher, Jack and his parents, we made a

plan that whenever the teacher developed the belief that Jack may have

or had lied, it would trigger a five minute meeting after class where Jack

and his teacher would have a curious conversation (see Chapter 3 and

the 4Cs approach) about the situation. If Jack said ‘I didn’t, I don’t know,

or I don’t remember’, his teacher would validate that, but say something

like, ‘I hear what you are saying. But I’ve developed the belief that you lied.

I may be wrong and if I am I’m sorry. But because I have that belief I have

to act as if it is true, and that’s why we are talking together as we need to

understand each other and repair the problem if there is one’. If Jack was

unable to talk about the suspected or actual lie, the teacher would meet

briefly with Jack and his parent on a weekly basis.

At the same time as this was happening at school, I was working with

Jack’s parents to understand Jack’s insecurity and what was driving his

desperate need to avoid being seen to be wrong. At home, the whole

family were working on being more honest and real, less reactive and

avoidant, and addressing problems rather than just allowing them to

blow over.

Of course, initially Jack tested out the plan to see if it would blow over.

But to everyone’s credit, they all stuck to the plan. Over time Jack was

gradually able to sit down with his teacher (and at home with his parents)

and talk about why he lied, his feelings of shame and anger, how he could

have managed the situation differently, and repairing the relationship

difficulty the lie created. He still lied, but much less frequently and more

easily repaired.

Being helpless

When a child behaves as if they are helpless and demands help (and

therefore attention) to solve a problem, it is more than asking for

assistance so they can deal with their own problem (which is known

as ‘affiliation’—a mature way of coping).

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Effectively they are making their problem your problem. It is an

immature, but powerful way of coping with distress as discussed

at the beginning of the chapter: when overwhelmed by something,

they look to their attachment object to take the responsibility for the

problem.

Be very careful that you do not automatically rush in and take

over. Even though you might think that this is helping the student,

and even satisfying their need for attention, in the long term it may

reduce their problem-solving abilities and their resilience.

The developmentally helpful approach is to support them as they

work it out for themselves, as this not only tells them that you believe

they can work it out, but also gives them practice at doing so. When

you save someone, you generally weaken them.

Examples of a child behaving as if they are helpless in the

classroom:

• Asking for repeated extensions on tests or assignments.

• Asking you to solve friendship conflicts for them.

• Wanting special or preferential consideration.

• Expecting you to solve bullying issues.

• Asking you to talk to their parents for them about problems

they are having.

• In the early years, asking you to do physical tasks for them.

• When they say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘whatever you want’ to avoid

choosing, setting you up to choose for them.

In all these examples, it may be appropriate for you to become

involved (bullying would be an example) but prior to you stepping

in and taking over, you need to consider whether you actually need

to or not. It is not always straightforward when they are suffering

to find the balance between helping them and leaving them to help

themselves. But a general rule of thumb is that you support when you

can, save only when you must. (The Four-Stage Plan in Chapter 4

looks specifically at this).

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Becoming ill

There’s nothing like sickness or injury to ramp up attachment

between an adult and a child. Most parents shower an ill child with

extra hugs and kisses and special treatment (food, staying home from

school). No wonder people feign or exaggerate illness to get their

needs met or to avoid responsibilities. (I once worked with a family

that placed an excessive value on independence, and the only time

physical affection was given was when someone was ill; there was a

lot of illness in that family.)

As the teacher you will often get a student who has health

difficulties. It may be asthma, epilepsy, pain issues, emotional,

behavioural, cancer or any other number of problems. Being ‘in loco

parentis’, you have a duty to take a reasonable responsibility for

them, and an open and cooperative discussion with the child and

their parents usually sets up a clear understanding of and boundaries

around managing and responding to their symptoms. However, what

is less clear is how to respond to a child who uses illness as a way to

illicit extra attention. It can also be used to control others in their life.

When symptoms of an illness become a problem within the

classroom, it can be frustrating and disruptive to the class as a whole.

Mental health symptoms are particularly potentially troublesome

such as the outbursts of tics, the crying student, the student with

attention deficit symptoms, and in the high school setting the

teenager exposing their self-inflicted wounds, or the expression of

suicidal thinking. The first step in managing these issues is to stay

supportive of the student, but not stray into trying to save them

(unless they acutely need saving).

Having a clear plan that has been cooperatively arranged with

the student and their parents, and based on the combined needs

of the student, class and teacher helps take away the uncertainty

and anxiety that illness can create. But remember, if the student is

insecure, and they have developed ‘illness behaviours’ as a way of

feeling more secure with their attachment objects, then they will

resist giving up those powerful behaviours unless there is an alternate

way of getting their attachment needs met. Whatever the developed

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plan is, addressing their sense of belonging within the class is not

only important, but at times the most vital step towards change.

Illness can get a lot of attention

Dylan was a 15-year-old student who was creating havoc in his classes. He

would turn up late, sleeves rolled up, old and new superficial self-harm

scars showing, often with a friend holding his hand. He would quietly

(though loud enough to get others’ attention) cry, moan, wince, shake,

and shift frequently on his seat. He would often sit with his head bent over,

whispering quietly with a friend. When his behaviours were disruptive

and his teachers asked him about it, he would act hurt, and often a friend

would actively or passively accuse the teacher of being insensitive: ‘Can’t

you see he is upset’, ‘You don’t understand sir’, and once an upset friend

said, ‘What are you trying to do, kill him?’. Needless to say, learning for

Dylan and his friends was significantly affected. At an emotional level,

‘a friend suffering’ was a much more powerful attention grabber than

algebra. Dylan had ‘special’ teachers he would confide in for prolonged

times about all his concerns, ‘but don’t tell anyone else’, and other

teachers he treated with great disdain and gave monosyllabic answers if

they asked him about his difficulties in class.

Dylan was on all of his teachers’ minds a lot. They would talk about

him frequently in the staff room but there was little unity; some were

extremely worried and even tearful about him, yet others thought he was

attention seeking and needed to know his place. These differences in

understanding led to conflict between staff. Some blamed Dylan, some

blamed his parents, some blamed his friends, some wanted him to leave

the school because he was so disruptive, yet others wanted to provide

more support with one teacher saying, ‘I just feel like I want to take him

home to help him’. Some wanted him to be given more freedom to come

and go as he pleased while he was sorting out his problems, while others

wanted him to have stricter rules and to ‘suck it up’.

What the teachers didn’t know was that they were being drawn into a

script that Dylan had lived for the past 15 years, and they were repeating

interactions he, and the system he grew up in, had been honing from

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birth (and likely through the generations). His divorced parents were

split physically but also emotionally. His mother was caring, though

chronically depressed, anxious and hard to get through to. Being sick was

one of the few guaranteed ways for Dylan to break through his mother’s

preoccupations and be on her mind. His father was strict and someone

who had to be pleased to get any response from. The only time Dylan

seemed to get generous affection that didn’t have to be earned was when

he was ill.

The teacher group without knowing it had been split into the roles

his parents had played, and the ensuing conflict mirrored the parents’

acrimony. Considering Dylan’s long-term insecurity, he was doing the best

he knew how to meet his attachment needs.

I won’t go through the whole case and how it was resolved (a happy

ending including finishing school, a part-time job, finding a passion for

science and dungeons and dragons, and an improved home life), but the

key features for change included regular meetings with the parents and

teachers to get a united understanding and approach, having a supportive

caring but business-like and firm response to his more provocative

behaviours (long sleeves for cuts and scars, zero tolerance for him distressing

his peers, and a clear plan to respond to his disruptive distress in class),

and working on ways he could meet his attachment needs in a negotiated

way within the school and at home.

Control

A human infant expects to have all his needs met, complains

tremendously at any discomfort, and through attachment behaviours

attempts to control their parent to get his discomfort soothed. Being

in control is thus associated with keeping the negative experiences

of insecurity away.

However, as a child grows, he discovers that he cannot make

others in his life do everything he wants—that there are boundaries

and some discomfort has to be tolerated. If these boundaries are

repeatedly, predictably, firmly and kindly reinforced, they become a

natural part of the child’s life and perspective. Thus, the child learns

that although they don’t get everything they want, they get enough.

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With this they learn that not being in total control is OK, and they

become stronger as they gradually experience and tolerate increasing

amounts of missing out, discomfort and suffering.

Insecure children who don’t believe they will get enough tend

to retain their attempts to control: ‘I’m only going to get my needs

met if I’m in control of the other person.’ This means that their

relationships are more likely to be based on power and control than

empathy, trust and freedom. It is the difference between the belief

that good things will be given, versus the belief that they will only

get what they want if they take it or make it happen.

In the classroom, controlling attachment behaviours can

range from passively refusing to obey simple directions to actively

manipulating others. Often when a student has obtained the control

they need they come across as secure, even arrogant. That is because

they have everyone exactly where they want them. However, it is

when their control of others or the situation is challenged or lost

that their true insecurity shows. Control attempts can involve any

of the attachment behaviours, both positive and negative. The class

clown may be a positive influence on the class, bringing fun and

lightness, but may also be using humour to control the attention

of those around him. The helper may be doing it from a position

of attachment security and care, or may be doing it to control their

insecurity by making others need them and be in their debt.

Avoiding attachment

If a child has tried a range of attachment behaviours, but still believes

she is not on your mind enough, the insecurity she feels becomes

unbearable. If this happens, an alternative solution to deal with her

insecurity is to try to convince herself that she doesn’t care whether

she is on your mind or not. This is what may be happening when a

child rejects what they clearly want with statements such as, ‘I don’t

care’ or ‘Whatever’, and behaviours such as rejecting attempts to

comfort or help them and even destroying the thing they wanted.

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They are trying to cope with their unmet attachment needs by

denying or avoiding those needs.

Most people have experienced wanting a relationship with

someone, but when it didn’t work out, trying to convince themselves

that they didn’t actually care about that person. Often this is done by

suddenly finding in the other person a whole lot of faults that had not

been seen previously. ‘If I don’t desire the person, I can’t be hurt by

not having them.’ This approach only works for as long as the desire

can be kept out of awareness, and even then it only works partially.

In the classroom, avoiding as a way of dealing with insecurity is

a common strategy. If it is only when a student gets good marks that

they feel okay, then when the workload is easy they feel great. But as

the work gets harder and they start making mistakes, they may not

be able to tolerate this and give up on that subject. Math avoidance

is a classic example. The earlier concepts are relatively easy to master

and many students enjoy it. But about Year 8 and 9 Math starts to

become trickier, and teachers often see previously good students give

up on math at this time. Being secure (feeling you are good enough

and get enough) is thus quite important when it comes to trying new

things, an important aspect of learning.

Another common avoidant response is to not care. ‘I don’t

know’, ‘I don’t care’, ‘whatever’ are potentially all ways of coping

with missing out. If they don’t hope for connection or approval, then

they can’t be disappointed. The loner student who sees themselves

as mature and with nothing in common with their immature peers

may be using avoidance to deal with the more painful possibility that

they are not very likeable. Mind you, it is also possible that they are

more mature than their immature peers, but it would be an odd year

level where every single one of the students was significantly more

immature than a given student. In my experience, it is more likely that

a student with avoidant peer relating difficulties is struggling with

their own emotions of attachment than their peers not being at their

intellectual level. Though intellectual fit is one factor in friendships,

most secure people can relate to those of differing intellectual ability.

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Students who have given up or are putting in inadequate effort

may be struggling with their insecurity. Trying to fix this problem

of apathy or avoidance by pushing them to work harder often leads

to further resistance and avoidance on their part. The effort needs

to come from them. You can point out their low effort, you can care

about their outcome, you can model effort and interest, you can

offer to support them, you can believe in them and you can challenge

them, but you cannot do it for them. Being clear about what you can

and cannot do regarding motivation in a disengaged student is a vital

aspect of being a good enough teacher.

Secure and insecure students

In a class of 24 students, on average you will have 17 secure students

who are able to connect with you and their peers in a cooperative,

playful, thoughtful and fun way. They can be challenged, respond

to new learning without excessive anxiety, and when corrected are

generally able to tolerate mistakes without becoming defensive or

avoidant. These students are easy to work with and rarely have

strong emotions or tricky behaviours. They basically feel they get

enough and are good enough, and if they complain, their concerns

are understandable and cooperatively repairable. Missing out for

these students is annoying but bearable, and they quickly get over it.

And in that same class, on average you will have seven insecure

students who too easily have strong emotions, and who relate to

you and others in a combative, avoidant or judgmental way. Their

behaviours can vary from excessively helpful to disengaged to

aggressive, but what they have in common is that you probably

think about them far more than your other students. When you

try to cooperate and understand them, you are resisted and often

left confused about the actual issue. Even if your usual style is to

cooperate, you find yourself giving in to them, or trying to choose for

them. Because these students don’t feel they get enough or are good

enough, they will see others in the same way, and you will at times

be on the receiving end of judgment, complaints and disappointment.

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This is where having the confidence that you are a good enough

teacher comes in. There will always be a proportion of your students

who will see you as not good enough based on their own insecurity.

You will often find yourself giving more time and attention to these

students, but it is still not enough.

The rest of this book gives a model of what it is to be a good

enough teacher when it comes to the emotions and interactions

within your classroom, helping you to not take them personally, and

adding to your confidence. Of course your teaching skills need to be

good enough and striving for excellence in the content of your work is

important. But that is also the easy bit—what you have been trained

to do. Less straightforward is how to create a classroom that fosters

a secure sense of belonging for all your students, and understanding

and managing your insecure students’ strong emotions and tricky

behaviours. Your job will be easier and more enjoyable if you are

confident that your students’ emotional and relational difficulties are

your business, but not your problem, and you are clear about how

you can and cannot help them.

One last thing to reflect on is that security and insecurity are not

unique to children. About 30 per cent of adults are also insecure.

The parent who repeatedly wants to meet with you, trying to subtly

or aggressively manipulate you, may be insecure. Your teaching

colleague who undermines or avoids you may be insecure. And you

may be insecure. Though this book is focused on students, many of

the ideas are equally applicable in other relationships. You may find

the understandings and approaches to dealing with emotions and

behaviours helpful in other areas of your life.

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