being mormon Submission

Being Mormon

By Lewis Mead

The information in this book is based on the author’s

knowledge, experience and opinions. This may differ

from others and isn’t intended to invalidate other’s

experiences or opinions.

Copyright © 2023 by Lewis Mead

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be

reproduced or used in any manner without written

permission of the copyright owner except for the use

of quotations in a book review. For more information,

address: Meadlewis@gmail.com.

First paperback edition May 2023

Book design by Lewis Mead

ISBN: 979-8-392-80927-1

“The Church would be

perfect only if it were run

by perfect beings.”

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf,

Second counsellor to the Prophet

Contents

What is a Mormon?

1

This is Not...

13

Modesty and Masturbation

29

Called Upon

45

Saying Sorry

55

One Tenth

65

Lewis and the Whale

75

The Benediction

105

Glossary

113

1

What is a Mormon?

Before the book begins, it is required for the

unbaptised readers to fully understand what

being a Mormon entails. It is required to say

that Mormon may be the wrong term. In recent years

Russel M. Nelson, current Prophet of the Church of

Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, has said:

“The Lord has impressed upon my mind

the importance of the name He has revealed

for His Church, even The Church of Jesus

Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We have work

before us to bring ourselves in harmony with

His will. In recent weeks, various Church

leaders and departments have initiated

the necessary steps to do so. Additional

information about this important matter will

be made available in the coming months.”

In essence this is informing the members to no longer

refer to themselves as Mormons and to remove the use

of nicknames such as members of the LDS church or

even just Latter-Day Saints. This is to emphasise the

separation from a common section of misinformation

that the Church worships the Prophet, both current

2

Being Mormon

and past. Instilling that the Church is in fact Christian.

They have offered new alternatives such as Followers

of Christ, the importance being that Jesus gets a

mention. I believe this does increase the more cult like

feeling towards the Church, but personal opinions

won’t change leader’s minds.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is,

as previously stated, a Christian religion. It was

officially founded by the first Prophet of the Church,

Joseph Smith Jr, on April 6th, 1830, when the first

Book of Mormon was published. It is said that The

Book of Mormon was revealed to Joseph via divine

intervention. Much like the immaculate conception

an angel visited Smith, revealing The Golden Plates.

Not Gabriel, this was Moroni who is depicted on top

of the Mormon Temples. These plates when translated

became, the afore mentioned, Book of Mormon. Within

its opening page The Book of Mormon is said to be

“Another Testament of Jesus Christ”. Without dipping

into a full Sunday school course of lessons this book

follows the Prophet Lehi and his family through the

escape from Jerusalem and the generations to follow

in the Americas. This eventually comes to an end in a

3

What is a Mormon?

film like sequence of events leaving the descendants of

one of Lehi’s sons, the Lamanites. Mormon was the last

author of the plates; he also curated all the recordings

of generations of Prophets into the Golden plates.

Much like the Bible it is a collection of work following

many different Prophets with stories and parables all

leading to the belief in Christ in the ancient Americas.

This is what separates Followers of Christ from

more mainstream branches of Christianity. They still

practice studying both the New and Old Testament

alongside this new scripture as well as the Doctrine

and Covenants. This is another section of scripture

dictated to Joseph Smith, forming another reason for

the separation from other denominations. The Church

still has a Prophet who receives direct inspiration from

our Heavenly Father.

This is the raw basics of what the Church stands for, as

anyone that has had a small interaction with them will

understand this is the very tip of the iceberg. The more

intricate details of the Church could fill several books.

This is not what this book is about, however, a lot of

these more obscure details will be visited explored in

4

Being Mormon

this book. This isn’t exclusive to the people who aren’t

members of the Church. If you do feel desires to learn

as much as you can about The Church of Jesus Christ

of Latter-Day Saints, I’m sure there are very friendly

young people you can get in contact with. They usually

have a suit or smart clothing on and a small badge

with their surname. If you don’t want these people

pestering you, the Church has an outlined and simple

explanation of the core beliefs named The Articles of

Faith. These haunt my mind with the memorisation in

Sunday school.

Still wanting a little more before jumping in? Okay,

lets discuss some key points. The Church is led by a

Prophet, he then has two counsellors and then there is

the 12 apostles. Following them is the 70. These are the

key leaders of the Church, on an international level.

However, at its core, this is not a hierarchy. Even the

Prophet is answerable to his Bishop and Stake President.

At the time of writing there is even a call for these

individuals to hold meetings with Church leaders over

a misuse of Church funds, some $34 billion. A Bishop

overlooks a Ward, which is a local congregation, and a

Stake Presidents overlooks a group of Wards. This then

5

6

Being Mormon

progresses to regional roles and area roles eventually

ending up back to the Prophet.

The Church also operates in two distinct buildings,

Churches, and Temples. Churches are for everyday

worship, such as Sunday services and different weekly

practices such as youth clubs, and varying study

lessons. The Temples are separate from everyday

worship and are home to more sacred practices. The

members of Church tend to have quite a good sense of

humour around the more secretive nature of the Temple

ordinances. This brings to my memory moments when

being told to “not drop the goat” or not to worry as

I didn’t have to “eat the entire baby”. The second of

the two was told to me by a particularly close friend

who shares a particularly dark sense of humour with

myself. I feel it necessary to say this as such things

could be misconstrued of an institutionalised darkness

or a demonic sense of humour. For the most part the

members are annoyingly bright and cheerful and

wouldn’t stoop to our low intelligence humour.

Now that the basics of the origins of the Church have

been established and some of the logistical aspects have

7

What is a Mormon?

been introduced, you have earned the right to the more

fun bits concerning the key areas of information about

the Church. Or rather misinformation, the Church

seems to attract quite a lot of nonsense about some of

the odder practices.

No, polygamy is no longer a part of the religion, and

neither is marriage to the Prophet, dead nor alive. This

rumour comes from a distant part of Church history

deemed as either a misunderstanding of revelation

or a system of practicality due to being persecuted by

the varying towns people of America. This change in

policy was introduced in 1890 and was from revelation

received by the Prophet of the time, Wilford Woodruff.

I know, Americans not liking something new. Seems

odd doesn’t it. But overall, no. Plural marriage is no

longer part of the teachings. This isn’t to say people

don’t use the religions origin as a jumping off point to

practice things such as this.

The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-

Day Saints practice polygamy and much darker aspects

of it such as child marriage. This came to more public

awareness with the arrival of the Netflix documentary,

8

Being Mormon

Keep Sweet. Pray and Obey (2022). This is a completely

separate entity that is not associated with the Church

of which we are discussing.

Yes, they can have caffeine. Part of the teachings of the

Church is the Word of Wisdom. This teaching is found

in Doctrine and Covenants 89 and issues decrees

against tobacco, alcohol and hot drinks.

At no point is it issued that caffeine is the reason

behind an abstinence from tea and coffee. It is to do

with habitually natured living, and addiction. How

many people say: “I can’t wake up without a coffee”?

The Church doesn’t want to reinforce bad habits or

addiction. This isn’t just in reference to consumption

either, members are encouraged not to repeat prayers

unless it is a sacred part of practice that mustn’t be

changed. This is to reduce apathy and encourage

members to really ponder on what they are praying

for.

So, caffeine in tea and coffee isn’t the problem. It is the

habit. Having said this the over consumption of Diet

Coke by members of the church seems to be such a

9

What is a Mormon?

growing epidemic that it needs to be an amended 11th

commandment.

No, we don’t baptise dead people. This is in reference to

a Temple practice and refers to Baptism FOR the Dead,

this is in fact a terrible name but is a belief that if in this

life you didn’t have chance to be baptised someone can

be baptised on your behalf. NOT YOUR BODY, just

your name. This isn’t a spooky thing thought up by

the Church, it was also practiced in biblical times and

is recorded in:

1 Corinthians 15:29

New Testament

29 Else what shall they do which are

baptized for the dead, if the dead rise

not at all? Why are they then baptized

for the dead?

Yes, there are three heavens. This will explain it better

than I ever could, but if we’re being honest any form

of heaven is weird, at least this way you get three good

goes at it. This also covers the alien debate.

10

Being Mormon

“There are three kingdoms of glory: the

Celestial kingdom, the Terrestrial kingdom,

and the Telestial kingdom. The glory we

inherit will depend on the depth of our

conversion, expressed by our obedience to

the Lord’s commandments. It will depend

on the manner in which we have, as the

Church describes, “received the testimony

of Jesus”.

churchofjesuschrist.org

These always seem to be the most talked about ones

that need a bit more clarification, now for some

quickfire ones.

Yes, they can dance (even those some insist you leave

space for the Lord).

Yes, we can play Ping Pong on Wednesdays, I have

no idea where this one came from but has cropped up

quite a bit.

No, Missionaries can’t swim. This isn’t a question of

ability, I’m sure some can physically swim.

11

What is a Mormon?

Yes, we can eat meat during the summer.

But that just about does it for the weird stuff that

readers may have encountered in the outside world

and that members get bombarded with constantly.

The more you know...

12

13

This is Not...

The concealed organ pipes begin to rattle and

spit out the notes from an untrained member

of the congregation assigned to play it. Knees

click, bodies groan and seats sigh in relief as the

population of the chapel rise for the cohesively named,

intermediate hymn. Praise to the Man begins to be

unenthusiastically burbled out of the mouths of the

same faces I had seen in this building for the 25 years I

have been both in attendance and coincidentally, alive.

The very hymn I sang in a choir when a member of

the 12 apostles, M. Russel Ballard, came to visit our

uneventful stake building.

My mind begins to wander at this thought, forever

avoiding the actual act of singing. It wanders towards

the thought that I was the first baby to be blessed

in the one built by the members was replaced by a

bog-standard Lego brick design that is replicated in

the Church’s Regional Buildings around the world..

Devoid of the grandiosity expected of a church, no

stained glass, no candles, no large sculptures of Christ.

It feels as if it’s a conference centre that for some reason

had chosen Getty images examples of biblical stories to

decorate.

14

Being Mormon

But alas, I was first. Which brings the nature of my visit

into sharp focus. It is, what I like to call, a contracted

Sunday. A day where I return to Church to keep my

mum happy and avoid the conversations around the

dinner table as to why I’m not there more often. These

Sundays has become a point of fun in my household,

it is often a planned occasion but sometimes a spurt of

energy will erupt when I am awoken by my mother.

The Sunday morning wakeup call have become as

much a certainty as the passing of the sacrament. My

eyes will briefly open, and the morning confusion will

find me wishing, longing for the days of Covid when

I could just log in to Zoom, hit mute and rev up the

Xbox.

This us bring us to a question, why am I so jaded about

attending Church. A loss of faith? A disagreement with

teachings? A lack of effort to have two lives living sideby-side?

In all honesty it was a small part all of these

and many more. It all got a bit much of a muchness

and I became one of the many Covid Casualties of

the Church. We are people that, when entered into

lockdown, saw the opportunity before us of ZOOM

church. A Sunday morning we didn’t even need to

15

This is Not...

get out of bed for. Although on one occasion, through

a camera mishap, the poor online congregation were

subject to my bare, contorted chest as I joined the call

one Sunday, still in bed. An image I would imagine,

quite hard to remove from your memory.

Once things began to reopen, the impending,

overwhelming idea of trying to fit into my suit, mixed

with the already wavering attendance of my prepandemic

attitude, all became too much. The idea of

a Sunday lie-in became much nicer than the image I

painted at the beginning of this section. And thus, I

was out.

This situation all seems a bit jovial and light-hearted,

but these were the final stumbling blocks of an already

falling man. The cause of this fall comes down to, what

I call, a separation of the Church and the culture.

The Utah Bubble has begun to inflate, engulfing more

and more of the members. The easiest way to explain

what is happening is in parable form. In the New

Testament there is a separation of the Hebrew people

and the Gentiles, if you didn’t already know this is

16

Being Mormon

quite a big deal. This is the separation of the Jewish

people and those who follow the teachings of Jesus, as

son of God figure. The Jewish people are still waiting

for such a person. The Hebrews in the New Testament

follow the Law of Moses, these are the teachings found

in the Old Testament. In Matthew 15 the discussion

surrounds how the written Law of Moses in the Torah

had become entrenched with oral law, or tradition.

This then falls into such things as counting the steps

they took on the Sabbath as a measure of worthiness.

These traditions have been explained to me as

becoming a cultural grab bag for the Jewish people in

more modern times. It is no secret that they are a highly

persecuted people and these traditions allow them to

practice their faith and culture where ever they find

themselves displaced. They have become a beautiful

practice of commitment and finding peace through

faith.

When this parable is applied to most modern-day

religions we can see this happening, such is the nature

of man to obsess on the practice rather than the reason

for it. The Sabbath is the day of rest but how do you

17

This is Not...

measure rest? A step count seems logical really. No point

over exerting when the goal is to recover. However,

cracks can begin to form. Misunderstanding of the

reasoning behind the teaching by blindly following

to an extreme often leads to an apathetic attitude of

following the rules not the teachings. This is what I

feel is happening within the Church of Jesus Christ of

Latter-Day Saints. This is what led me to writing this

book.

A good example, without revealing what is up my

sleeves, is the caffeine situation mentioned earlier. As

previously explained it is about the habitual nature

of consumption, related to how this can impact your

interest in what you are studying and prevents falling

into a scheduled spirituality. The very thing set in

place to prevent idling faith has become a situation of

misunderstanding. I cast my mind back to growing up

and not only did I have to listen to the lip-smacking

annunciation of the reader on the Book of Mormon

audio book whirring around in my portable CD player,

but I had to endure this without the sweet syrupy taste

of Coca Cola to keep me alert through every minute.

Falling asleep listening didn’t count.

18

Being Mormon

The reason for this was the misunderstanding of why

we abstained from tea and coffee. It became such an

engrained part of the cultural aspect of the Church that

the Church Leaders in 2012 had to release an official

statement explaining that caffeinated soft drinks are

fine to consume. No, seriously.

Even today there are puritans wandering the halls of

every chapel casting down disapproving looks on us

caffeine guzzling apostates. Members often forget that

the Word of Wisdom is placed upon us as a test of faith

via abstinence from these things, which in a way it is.

They also believe it to be divine instruction to keep the

members as healthy as possible. The body is a temple

and all that. They often forget or don’t understand that

is there to instil good spiritual health along with good

physical health. Splitting hairs of what liquids can

be consumed caused a divide and misinformation of

teachings.

This is one particularly innocuous example of the

overarching problem with being a member of the

Church. A Church that twice a year holds General

Conference, where Leaders offer insight and expansion

19

This is Not...

on doctrine. The Church is forever growing, changing,

and accepting new revelation, yet some people never

progress past the minute details and meandering

around the rules rather than the reasoning behind

them. Counting their steps on the Sabbath.

In my world I always adopted the parable of the ox in

the mire, found in Luke 14. These scriptures explain

that Jesus heals on the Sabbath. Confronted by the

Pharisees, they ask how he will heal of the Sabbath.

Jesus continues that if an ox was to fall into the mire

on the Sabbath, would they not help remove it? This

has become the “it is what it is” of the Church. It’s a

more lackadaisical approach, and has been confronted

by church authority, Jeffery R. Holland, who stated in

a Conference talk:

“If the ox keeps ending up in the mire, either

kill the ox or fill in the mire.”

He is regarded to be somewhat of a tough cookie when

it comes to church guidance, but I guess in my life the

ox is already in the mire.

20

Being Mormon

When first deliberating this book the horrific thought

approached my mind, there was going to be many

more contracted Sundays. The thought of that upset

me somewhat. This was my attitude about a lot of

Church associated events. I was never Anti-Mormon,

I also wasn’t an apologist. The initial drafts of this

book, before the reintroduction, reflected this. They

were polemic, argumentative, and for want of a better

term, preachy. With the return to, if I’m being honest,

semi-regular interactions with people I had previously

distanced myself from, my heart began to soften.

How biblical. This isn’t to say I would be returning

to Church or signing up to do the missionary work I

tried so hard to avoid, but it changed the tone. This no

longer came from a place of frustration and know-itall-ism,

but from a place of love and appreciation. A

place where instead of telling them off, a place where

I want to help. All a bit soppy in the grand scheme of

things, but that’s what Christians will do to you.

This brings us back to the unenthusiastic singing, well

actually just after. Following the closing prayer, that

felt as if it blessed every blade of grass individually,

all the reverence is sucked out of the room. Heads

21

This is Not...

twist, chatter begins, and the members begin to

socialise. After two hours of spiritual speak, any topic

of conversation is fair game. For many this is the one

time of the week to catch up with friends, for others

it is organising what is happening later in the week

or even later the same day. At this point, I am still

bitter. As was the entire time through growing up in

my home ward, I am friendless. Not that I’m not an

affable person, that’s personal preference, but the lack

of people my age caused me to only have friends on a

stake level, attending different congregations around

the Huddersfield Stake. More or less all of these have

since got married and moved on from the humble hills

of West Yorkshire.

Idle, passing conversations happen to me. People ask

where I’ve been and what I’m doing. This would be

considered nice if it wasn’t regularly followed up with

questions of my marital status. I quietly tell myself

that they mean well, mainly to avoid having to pen yet

another text apology later on that day.

I am then greeted with an astonishingly tight hug from

the mother of a friend in the Ward that attends the

22

Being Mormon

same chapel in reverse order. This hugs sincerity could

resurrect someone faster than Lazarus was reanimated.

A brief catch up on how she and her daughter are

doing and then the attention focuses on me. This

understanding woman has seen me through many

crises. From lending a sympathetic ear around the time

of a friend’s death without offering the reassurance of

I’ll see him in the next life, as if I didn’t want to see him

now. All the way to being caught sneaking to Greggs

the bakers during Sunday School.

This interaction, quite annoyingly, put me in a good

mood. This caused the next interaction to be an

instigating point of this change of tone.

Corralled through the crowd of do-gooders, my

younger brother introduces me to his group of

friends. A collection of misfits, students, and bizarre

individuals. The recognition of a few friendly faces

from my previous involvement in church activities is

violently interrupted by the cupping of my rebelliously

unshaven face. “You are beautiful” is uttered by a

Portuguese woman with her boyfriend looking on.

It is fair to say that this broke the ice. This circle of

23

This is Not...

conversation bounds and jumps until I am somehow

invited to an event the next day. I intend on not going.

These reprobates somehow are sat around my dinner

table that evening, apparently it was organised. I was

not consulted.

This made excuse making for not attending the next

day increasingly more difficult. The last thing I wanted

to do with my Monday evening was to sit with a bunch

of Church-goers. Such is the nature of much of my life,

my choice wasn’t taken into consideration. On arrival I

smelled delicious food, a staple of any church gathering.

The vast buffet, much like the hug, softened me. This

was the first of many nights that roll into mornings

of spending time with these remarkable members of

the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. They

seemed less judgemental than I remembered, less

pious, more understanding.

After many more interactions and invites, I broke. I

told them about the book. I expected them to shun me

and assume I was using them for content or observing

them like an intrepid explorer. This simply was not

24

Being Mormon

the case. When beginning the idea process, I was

ready to take on church leaders, battle forth and make

a ripple amongst the members for no other reason

than frustration. This group of young people changed

that. They already knew they’d changed my mind. I

mumbled every syllable leaving my mouth, amending

the pitch I had been telling people for months. The

buggers had won.

We regularly spoke about their frustrations with

church and I shared mine. I realised I wasn’t some form

of enlightened being that didn’t just blindly follow,

maybe I was just one more willing to put my name to

frustrations. A welcome member of this group, I like

to think. No longer was I Jane Goodall, observing this

group. They became more of a Brains Trust.

How annoying is that. I had become tainted,

hoodwinked if you will. So much so I gladly removed

myself from the confines of my bedroom when the

missionaries came over. There sat in my spot on the

sofa, two young American men. Hair parted to the left.

Their suits from Next or Topman fit ever so slightly

too tight; they can be forgiven for this. Fresh American

25

This is Not...

missionaries often over correct with the fit of a suit due

to the appalling selection they have in their homeland.

They pinch and taunt each other as two young men

would before being invited to sit at the dining table

ready for a Sunday roast. Conversation flowed as I

watched them struggle to understand how to properly

use a knife and fork, you would have thought they

were raised in a primitive land devoid of cutlery. This

is often my time to shine, asking difficult questions,

making snide remarks, overall testing to see if they will

snap. Not unlike bending a shatterproof ruler to see if

it will bend or break, it’s fun for me. I was shocked to

see them hurdle and mantle everything I could throw

at them. This is rare. It has happened but a few times

before. It seems to be getting more common. It would

later come to light that missionaries are now warned

about me. I was quite proud.

After the joust we returned to the living room, where

they once again sat in my seat. They began the worst

part, the lesson. Or so I thought. These young men

solidified what I had learned from listening to my

Brains Trust. The lesson began with an explanation of

26

Being Mormon

practicing faith split between how and why. The how

is the rules or commandments, the way in which the

faith is practiced. The why is the reasoning and the

belief in the how. They went on to explain the that the

why is far more important that the how.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing before me. A

missionary explaining that blindly following is not the

way in which member should be practicing. This didn’t

feel like a typical lesson, it felt authentic. Not from the

manual. I then realised the size of the infection within

the religion. Committed missionaries on behalf of the

Church are teaching lifelong members that it isn’t

simply about following the rules, but more about why

the rules are there in the first place. This said to me that

the frustrations I have are echoing through a growing

number of people. The steps are being counted en

masse.

The deeper entrenched I became with different

members of the Church the more I realised they

were too kind or polite to do anything in the way of

big change. I have never been one to shy away from

sharing an opinion. This is when I realised, I would

27

This is Not...

gladly be their mouthpiece. I’m already classed as an

inactive member, what have I got to lose. It did have

to be tactful, this when I decided what the book is not.

It is not an expose or a hit job on the Church. It is not

an attack on individuals that I feel practice their faith

wrong. It is not angry.

This book is here to help. I can be miserable.

Please bear with me.

28

29


This seems like a heavy and questionable start

to the meat of a book. From past experience it

is far better to get the awkwardness out of the

way. Much like my face being cupped and my beauty

exclaimed, lets break the ice.

Sexuality is a very interesting section of the church’s

teachings. Much like more puritan religions, premarital

sex is a rather large no-no. Abstinence is a key

topic of conversation during the lessons taught in the

Sunday School classes. These lessons are split between

Young Men and Young Women and follow in the name’s

sake. Young Mens is for boys aged 12-18 and signifies

the journey from one priesthood to another. At 12 boys

receive the Aaronic priesthood, often referred to as the

lesser priesthood. At 18, the Melchizedek priesthood

is bestowed upon these boys who have become men.

This obviously is dependent on what worthiness, or

commitment to the beliefs. The Young Women aren’t

given the priesthood, despite the mention of such

things in the Bible and Book of Mormon.

It was in one of these lessons when as a 14-year-old

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Being Mormon

I received an insight into the confusing nature of

sex within the church. This isn’t anything salacious

or particularly odd but interesting. A Young Mens

leader began discussing a lesson that stumps the more

sensitive instructors. A recently married man explained

his view on things. He began by explaining the Law of

Chastity and as per usual the tension is palpable. The

tone shifts as he takes upon himself the need to talk

beyond the barrier of marriage. Many of these lessons

are a list of do nots and arbitrary tips as to how to avoid

breaking this commandment. Nothing inappropriate

in my experience, more along the lines of “leave space

for Jesus”. It is rare than anyone follows up with the

transition from abstinence to marriage.

Courageously, the teacher ploughed on through the

varying rules, he reached the barrier, marriage. This

is when he explained that this is the one rule that

gets completely flipped on its head. Once marriage

is accomplished sex is encouraged and not just be the

rule of “multiply, and replenish the earth” found in

Genesis 1:28. Sex is also seen as a sacred practice. The

Church officially says:

31


“Physical intimacy between husband and

wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained

of God for the creation of children and for

the expression of love within marriage.”


This was the first time at my young age I had considered

that the pressures around abstinence would once

be gone. Not that at 14 I would be prowling around

looking for notches on my bedpost, but the influx of

hormones around that age are enough to turn a brain

to rather chunky soup. But it shows a clear division of

a rule that one day is enforced to the next completely

disregarded, obviously within the bounds of marriage.

The promise of sex after marriage doesn’t stop young

people looking for loopholes. The Law of Chastity

covers pre-marital, extracurricular, and self sex, yet

this seems a bit broad for members of the Utah Bubble.

This brings us to the phenomenon of Durfing, Soaking

and the Mormon push. Yes, these are terms for sex acts.

Let’s begin:

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Being Mormon

Durfing: This is the practice of gyrating

upon each other while fully clothed.

Soaking: Two consenting adults perform

only a single penetrative action. This is

deemed not sex due to the lack of hip thrusts.

The Mormon Push: This is essentially

soaking with the accompaniment of a third

person to assist in the movement of the hips

by shaking the bed in whichever way they

see fit.

Other names are equated to this truly horrifying list of

misjudgements yet the very fact that they exist rings

true of the necessity of this book. These practices,

mainly used within the walls of Brigham Young

University (BYU, church associated university), are a

sever misunderstanding of the Law of Chastity.

The location of its origin shows the very cause of

the issue. Utah is the State that Brigham Young, the

second and quite controversial prophet of the church,

exclaimed that this is the place. Many members in this

33


location are generations deep within the religion with

most being able to trace their lineage back to the original

pioneers of the Church. This barren wasteland became

a secluded epicentre of The Church of Jesus Christ of

Latter-day Saints. The standards of the Church are part

of the landscape. Removing the teaching of the church,

be in the world, not of the world . In essence this means

to be placed within the world we have been given but

hold true to the gospel, teachings, and standards of the

Church. This seems to be almost a premonition of what

would happen if a Church State was formed. If you are

surrounded by the things that keep you aware of how

different you are, you begin to forget why you are in

fact different.

Much like the caffeine, the lack of understanding

leads to unconsciously following. The how begins to

supersede the why. With no why, the how becomes

litigious. Something to be subverted. The subversion

is so engrained in Mormon culture that urban legends

began of people making the short journey to Las Vegas

to be able to consummate. An annulment quickly

followed. This is a symptom of a much larger issue

within the Church.

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Being Mormon

Despite the enlightening lesson given by the teacher, I

and many others have sat through many filled with a

different angle.

This was highlighted for me and many others when

attending Especially for Youth (EFY), a conversion

that takes place over a working week in the summer.

From the ages of 14-18 young men and young women

congregate to share in one common thread. This has

now been re-branded as For the Strength of Youth

(FSY), following the name of the guide issued to the

people in attendance throughout the Church.

This particular EFY was my first, I was still bright eyed,

full of hope and devoid of bitterness. When pulling up

to Nottingham University campus, in a coach filled

with the youth of my Stake, I saw a sight I don’t think

will ever leave my memory. A grown man dancing to

Vengaboys. This is a strong enough image of what this

week is. Lanyards, fruit of the loom t-shirts branded

with logo a for EFY that seemed to be from the mid

90’s, and worst of all, no inhibitions. This seems to

be part and parcel of the enlightened happiness the

Church is said to give you.

35


This particular EFY session was the north of England,

Scotland, and Ireland. We were divided into groups

and embarked on our convention. This is one of many

things that form part of Stake and regional levels

throughout of the average year. This was different.

Bigger, more formidable, and American. The week

progressed through varying activities, lessons, and

terrible sandwiches. The pinnacle of the event is the

Sunday, I believe ours was on a Thursday. This is

a regular Sunday service on the strongest growth

hormones. In typical Church fashion it does also have

a talent show with one too many Coldplay covers.

After the service where many of my companions bore

their testimony of what they knew to be true. Once

again, we were split. This time all the men went to an

auditorium. We sat nervously as to what we were going

to hear, excitement filled the capacious room. Onto

the stage walked the male component of the elderly

couple leading the session. The mood was flattened

within three words.

“Well boys...”, my heart was in my throat. What was

coming? His tone did not seem up-beat like before.

It was heavier, stern almost. The seconds between

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Being Mormon

words felt like hours, I couldn’t catch my breath. The

anticipation was excruciating. “...Masturbation”. This

word seemed to suck the air out of the room. This

wasn’t the first time any of us had endured this topic

before, but this was different. The leader continued to

explain that we were our own worst enemy. Jackals,

searching for anything that lightly titillates us. He

spoke as if our hormonal desires were acid burning

through the integral structure of the church. Like

a stern telling off and dressing down the talk ended

with a silence, the likes of which I haven’t experienced

since my mother found me and my cousin flooding the

bathroom at age 3. It was a deafening silence with a

lingering anticipation of what could happen next?

It felt so unfamiliar after a talk to not feel at least a touch

uplifted. The normal turning heads and idle chatter

did not happen. We all stood, patiently waited for a

gap in the river of people and left a part of ourselves

in the seats.

The very notion on a talk discussing a details of the

Law of Chastity isn’t the issue, but this wasn’t a talk. It

wasn’t anything any of us had experienced before. This

37


was an attack on the young men, reducing them down

to chemicals. The biggest part was this supposedly

revered Church Leader completely refused to add

scriptural and spiritual context to his explanation

of this principle. He completely focused on the how.

He had made his mind up that in his eyes we were

degenerates, pulling and tugging on ourselves at the

slightest flash of an ankle. To him, we did not need the

why.

The shells of the young men began to mingle and

reintroduce ourselves back into the female population.

Following the previous meeting I don’t know how

this misguided man allowed this. Surely he thought

we would be pouncing on these girls. This is when a

discussion began between the two meetings we had

began. It would appear that they were instructed that

the way in which they dress and present themselves is

the reasoning for our scolding. As if a particularly short

skirt was enough to send us into an uncontrollable

frenzy, the responsibility of which being upon the girl

that chose to wear such a garment.

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Being Mormon

This unlocked the realisation that almost every lesson

on chastity has followed this antiquated mantra. An

exclamation to men to avoid pornography, enticing

materials, and an overall message of “DON’T TOUCH

YOURSELF!”. Women are subsequently told that they

facilitate the need for these messages because they do

not dress modestly. When this realisation fluttered

across my mind, I knew I needed to consult the Brains

Trust.

Through my initiation into this group of friends Sarah

Cairns has become somewhat of a confidant. Sarah

served a mission in Manchester, thanks to Covid19.

Originally called to Brazil, you can only imagine that

this must have felt like a bit of a demotion. She severed

her mission after being raised in the Church, when

exchanging different stories of our shared experiences

I felt like her frustrations grew stronger around the

subject of modesty.

“As a female growing up in the Church, the

topic of chastity and modesty has always

seemed a bit controversial. In my teenage

years, when lessons on modesty were

39


taught it often resorted to a list of things

we should and shouldn’t wear. I remember

being told on numerous occasions that my

standards of modesty should be high, and

I should cover up because otherwise I was

sexualising myself and making myself a

temptation for the boys.

I remember feeling judged by other

members when a dress was too short or

when a top didn’t cover my shoulders. In

my young mind, I did not have the capacity

to separate culture from doctrine and so it

felt like if I wasn’t modest in the way that

was culturally recognised in the church

then I had failed and so I wasn’t good

enough. Even though that idea came totally

from cultural expectations and not from the

actual doctrine of modesty.

It’s such a shame that myself and many other

women I know in the Church were made

to feel this way, as youth because for me

there are so many amazing doctrines in the

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Being Mormon

Church that can really strengthen and unite

young people and set them up with good

morals and habits for life, when taught from

the doctrine. Rather than objectifying them

and setting them up to feel like the way

they look and present themselves is more

important than their internal faith, because

of the cultural expectations.

Looking back now I realise that my struggle

with modesty was actually nothing to do

with the doctrine of modesty and was only

due to the culture of the Church and the

way it was taught. For me now, modesty is

actually quite a beautiful concept that has

become very internal and personal between

me and my Heavenly Father that allows

me to express my faith and shows my

appreciation for this incredible body that

He has gifted me.

It is not just a list of dos and don’ts in outfit

choices given to me by leaders but is an act of

respect and is built on standards that I have

41


set for myself that help me to come closer

to my Heavenly Father. I think that should

be the way modesty is taught to the young

girls in the church, empowering them to

decide what modesty means for themselves

and changing the culture of objectification

to internalisation.”

Sarah Cairns

Sarah typifies the experience of most young women

growing up in the Church. Taught the illegitimate

dogma of a how over the why, resulting in feeling

shame and as if she was the issue. A girl feeling

sexualised and as she was the reason for temptation,

all because of a mistaught principle.

The official reasoning behind this course of teaching

seems to be from the Gospel Teachings of modesty. This

doesn’t extend to such a visceral approach and instead

focuses more presentation posing the question “Would

I feel comfortable with my appearance if I were in the

Lord’s presence?”. This continues to explain that it’s

not about covering up but more being well groomed

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Being Mormon

and presentable. One small section of this instruction

focuses on the idea of sexually suggestive clothing,

which has been chosen to be the tag line of abstinence

for women.

The Church altered the For the Strength of Youth

booklet in late 2022, adopting a more come-as-youare

approach, changing its delivery from the list of

expectations I remember from my formative years.

It now puts more responsibility and trust in the

judgement of the young people in the Church.

“The purpose of For the Strength of Youth is

not to give you a “yes” or “no” about every

possible choice you might face. Instead, the

Lord is inviting you to live in a higher and

holier way—His way. This guide will teach

you about His way”. When concerning

the topic of modesty, it actually avoids

this word completely as says instead, “As

you make decisions about your clothing,

hairstyle, and appearance, ask yourself,

“Am I honouring my body as a sacred gift

from God?” Heavenly Father wants us to

43


see each other for who we really are: not just

physical bodies but His beloved children

with a divine destiny.”

For the Strength of Youth

For generations they have been ignoring the why, it is

the hope that these changes work and it becomes less

about the how.

Only time will tell.

44

45

Called Upon

The concept of expectation is a remarkably big

part of being a member of the Church of Jesus

Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Even on a base level

of a member whose only responsibility is to turn up to

Church on a Sunday, the sacrifices made can be large.

This isn’t a gripe about the fact that most members have

to live life devoid of certain pleasures the rest of the

world partake in without so much as a second thought.

This is with regards to the expectation of sacrificing

significant amounts of time and effort, contorting your

life to fulfil a Church responsibility. Members are asked

to take upon them a calling, this can be something

as simple as teaching the young children’s spiritual

education all the way to essentially taking on another

full-time job, organising entire Stakes. For all of these

roles there is no compensation in this life, but blessings

are promised.

The common nomenclature from when I was a

younger man was that you should never say no to a

calling. This has since changed as the more hard-line

members of a bygone era in the Church have begun

to die off. That being said encouragement to blindly

accept a calling, that may impact your work and home

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Being Mormon

life with the impending commitment, still comes thick

and fast. The denying of the calling is seen to be akin to

refusing divine inspiration. The choice for each calling

is deliberated by the necessary parties through prayer

and meditation upon gospel teachings. To deny one

of these roles is to question Heavenly Fathers plan for

yourself. Denial of a calling is often met by a confused

look and a request to think about your decision.

The commitment of these roles can be impending,

domineering, and all-consuming, not just for those

who take on the role. The families of the people taking

on the more impactful callings often sacrifice part of a

loved one in order for them to carry out the needs of

the role. One such role is Stake President, the person

in charge of what can be thousands of members.

These men aren’t paid for this responsibility, like most

callings on a more local level. The impending doom of

such a calling once faced my own family.

The role of Stake President was left vacant due to

the previous one having served his time. Rustles

and rumours spun their wicked web through the

Stake. Anyone could be chosen and the day before

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Called Upon

the announcement was set to fall upon our ears my

battered, old Blackberry phone was vibrating itself to

oblivion. Texts, Facebook messages and WhatsApp’s

erupted. One-by-one my friend’s fathers were called

into interviews. The choices were being made for

the Stake President and his two counsellors. Then it

happened, my father took a call. He slunk off to my his

bedroom, put on a suit, tie and loafers. My heart sank.

This is an honourable calling, but over-baring. I didn’t

want my dad to get this calling. Before I knew it, he

was in his car on his way to the interview.

Two hours rolled by, I knew the interviews were only

supposed to be 20 minute long. I began to sweat, it

couldn’t be, not my dad. The door finally swung open,

and I waited, longing for us to give us a nugget of

information. He confirmed that his meeting ran over

it’s allotted time, this obviously worried me. What was

so important about my dad that they needed to run

over the time constraint. The worry increased as he

said he was to find out later in the day.

The call came, I attempted to eavesdrop, but his replies

didn’t give anything way. Me and my siblings begged

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Being Mormon

and pleaded with him to tell us. Forever a stickler for

the rules, he didn’t budge. The announcement of a

calling shouldn’t be given before the members have a

chance to sustain the person chosen.

I couldn’t sleep.

Every inch of my skin felt uncomfortable the next day

rubbing against my freshly washed white shirt. The

car journey was piercingly silent. Stake Conference

was often a happy occasion, for once I would be able

to sit with my friends during a Church meeting. That

day didn’t follow suit. As I saw the faces on my gaggle

of comrades, I realised we’d all had a similar previous

day. Discussion began gently, we all regaled our tales

of woe. We were swiftly interrupted by the clumsily

played organ, and we realised it was a matter of

minutes until we found out.

Shuffling past families to take our seats in the temporary

spill over. With the concertina dividers open wide the

chapel expanded into the sports hall. The scratching of

rubber stoppers on the metal legs of the chairs creating

an awkward orchestra of irreverence. The prelude

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Called Upon

music ends, the service begins, faces go pale along my

line as the impending moment when the business takes

place gets ever closer. The tension is agonising. A grey

haired, bespectacled man gets up and begins to read

what seems to be an endless list of callings. Raising our

hands mindlessly sustaining the changes in the Stake’s

structures. Half expecting a rebellious teenager or

disgruntled member to raise a right hand when asked

to if any object to these names. The moment arrives. The

name is read. It wasn’t my dad. I could have levitated

with the relief that lapped against every molecule that

was part of my construction.

It was a feeling I couldn’t share with one of my groups.

With almost complete synchronicity our heads panned

around to look at him. On the verge of tears, he

looked around to see our unsympathetic faces begin

to smirk. A smack landed on his thigh one carrying a

similar lack of sentiment, along with a stinging pain. I

assume the pain was the least of his worries. This was

accompanied by the reassuring statement, “say bye to

your dad for the next ten years”. This was the reality.

His dad wasn’t being shipped away but he now had to

share him with the rest of the Stake.

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Being Mormon

Much like conscription, some are reluctantly lambs to

the slaughter, others enthusiastically accept to call. The

only difference is, technically you can say no without

the threat of accusations of desertion. The only thing

enforcing the oblivious acceptance of a calling is

pressure and expectation. We are taught that every

calling is direct inspiration on your own spiritual

plan. Denying this is made to seem like denying this

plan. Accepting that you no longer want to experience

your full spiritual potential. This subverts the fact that

spiritual guidance can come to you just as much as

the leader asking you to sacrifice a part of your life.

To undertake your own expedition of why this calling

has been extended towards you should be accepted

practice.

In his talk, “Come, Join With Us’, Elder Dieter F.

Uchtdorf, Second counsellor to the Prophet said:

“The Church would be perfect only if it

were run by perfect beings. God is perfect,

and his doctrine is pure. But He works

through us—His imperfect children—and

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Called Upon

imperfect people make mistakes.”

This could be used to explain away the entire premise

of this book but when applied to the concept of callings

it leads us down to, maybe the Bishop got it wrong.

This isn’t to say you know better than him, or that he

has a tenuous grip on what inspiration is, but it is to

say that two brains are better than one. The idea that

you should abdicate your right to choose or never say

no to a calling, is simply unacceptable. Due diligence

within divine inspiration is a necessity when dealing

with Gods “imperfect children”.

To remove the ability for choice within the Church is

a direct contradiction to one of the key beliefs it holds;

we all have Free Agency. Grammatical questions of the

need for Free to be involved in that name aside Free

Agency is freedom of choice. This is echoed through

Biblical references but nothing more profound that in

the forming of what is known as the Plan of Salvation.

This is found in the Pearl of Great Price, another

biblical text in the Church’s arsenal. This is essentially

the way in which we pass through existence on earth

from Premortal life, though to the day of our judgment

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Being Mormon

and sorting into the varying heavens.

This plan is Jesus’ suggestion when the discussion how

we will achieve salvation was had in the Premortal Life,

it was a plan that allowed us as mortals to choose our

own path, we were given agency. The alternative was

given by Satan, this removed all choice and pushed

us as people into following God’s teachings by force,

removing all agency. This would guarantee salvation

for everyone but no real learning, much like an exam

with the mark scheme next to you, catching your gaze.

I think it’s fairly self-explanatory that God chose the

former, along with two thirds of us. Anyone that has

ever and will ever have a physical body on earth is one

of these two thirds. The other third chose Satan’s plan

and were cast out from God’s presence. This is actually

where the concept of Satan and his want to lead us

astray comes from. This means that the key element

of us achieve salvation in this life is pursuing the right

choices, we couldn’t do this with out agency.

Rounding this off nicely to the situation at hand, never

say no to a calling. This seems a bit totalitarian. The

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Called Upon

pressure to accept callings removes the one thing we

had given upon entry to this live action experience.

Some may see the refusal of a calling to mean you are

choosing wrong. The idea of being allowed to choose

is that we make these decisions with the end goal of

making them in the direction of salvation. Deciding

not to take upon a calling can be seen as making the

choice away from this path. When this is for everyone’s

individual interpretation of their inspiration. To

compare a frivolous sentence to fulfilling Satan’s plan

with no Free Agency may seem dramatic, but it is a

corner stone of reasoning for the religion itself. The

removal of this in any way shape of form should be

discouraged.

Or maybe it’s just their choice?

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55

Saying Sorry

With all this talk of the Plan of Salvation

a question is raised, what if we choose

wrong? Do not worry, a large part of having

Free Agency is to make the choices. We are human, we

will mess up from time to time. The Church of Jesus

Christ of Latter-Day Saints doesn’t believe in the Old

Testament, wrathful God. The concept of forgiveness

or repentance is just that, it is based on complete

forgiveness not a guilt-based remembrance of past sin.

Unlike other Christian denominations the Church

believes that we are not born with the sins of Adam.

This is in reference to Adam and Eve. Other flavours

of Christianity believe that the Original Sin committed

by Adam is carried through to all of us and requires

forgiveness, this comes in the form of a Christening or

a Baptism. An act that doesn’t happen to member of

the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints until

the age of 8 or older. This is because with the removal

of the Original Sin’s inherited stain, there is no need for

it at birth. The Church states:

“We believe that a person must be able to

discern right and wrong”, implying that

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Being Mormon

sins before that are made out of ignorance

rather than deliberate choice.”


This put Baptism at the centre of repentance. For

church members this is the first act of forgiveness

performed on them, via full immersion. This act comes

at some point of pain for myself given that I insisted

on being Baptised on my 8th birthday, an occasion that

happened to be where a cold autumn coincided with a

broken boiler. This resulted in a swif, and sharp plunge

into an icy pool. Maybe, even at 8-years-old, I needed a

humbling experience. The full immersion represents a

full washing away of all the sins and a new birth. This

new life is to be dedicated to following the teachings of

the Church and striving to live the Gospel.

This event also opens up the concept of real repentance,

you are now accountable. The Church has a repentance

process. Unlike the Catholic Church this is lacking

in the theatre of meeting anonymously in a wooden

box and chanting Latin. Repentance in the Church is

much more of a personal and subjective experience.

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Saying Sorry

This can range from personal repentance all the way to

dis-fellowship and even ex-communication. Personal

repentance consists of dealing with the problem in

your own personal prayers and studies. This covers

such discrepancies as breaking the Word of Wisdom

and other smaller sins. More serious breaches in faith

then require confessing to a Bishop who will then help

you on the way to your forgiveness. There is no cover

all menu of a variety of sin with repentance cost neatly

placed next to it. It is to the discretion of yourself, and

the Church leader guiding you through.

The word ‘confess’ has always felt a bit heavy for such

a process, it implies guilt. This is in direct contrast to

what repentance is meant to mean.

Isaiah 1:18

Old Testament

18 Come now, and let us reason

together, saith the Lord: though your

sins be as scarlet, they shall be as

white as snow; though they be red like

crimson, they shall be as wool.

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Being Mormon

This says that it should be as if we had never sinned.

To add guilt to that is to add a pink tinge to the wool. A

point of reference and weakness to the overtly obvious

past sin. This is why confession is a private matter, as

to not let the congregation look for stains while you’re

trying to clean. This is where some misbehaviour goes

on.

Sacrament is taken every Sunday as part of the regular

service and is a blanket repentance for the week gone

by. This isn’t to say that you take the bread and water

(yes, water) like an antibiotic. Sit back and hope it

eradicates your sins. This require prayer and thought

on the actions you are taking the sacrament for. When

going through the repentance process the right to take

sacrament can be temporarily taken away. No-one is

ever going to slap your hand away from the tray but if

you are going through such a process your faith is going

to be strong enough to not mindlessly partake. The act

of not taking the sacrament is not overly showman-like

but it is noticeable in the chapel. This can create vicious

rumour rather than admiration for striving to follow

the word of God, as it should.

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Saying Sorry

This form of watching or looking for stains, is an

engrained problem within the Church. Referring to

each other as Brother such-and-such or Sister whoseit

creates a familial bond within the Church, we are

all children of God after all. This can ooze its way in

the crevices of our lives we would rather are left well

enough alone. One of these being your journey through

repentance.

This form of over familiar interactions, when

concerning one’s worthiness, is well-documented in

the Church as a community. One such story is that of

an anecdote shared by a past missionary visiting my

home. When talking about the odder parts of Church

culture he began to recount a practice that was all the

rage in his home Stake. I can’t remember the precise

part of middle America but that isn’t relevant. He

explained a technique performed by the women at

Young Single Adult (YSA) events. The way in which

they would find out if the men are worthy. It isn’t as

sordid as you would imagine, more just a gentle touch

on the thigh. This isn’t so filthy as to tempt them into

breaking the Law of Chastity. They were searching for

clues or maybe a better word is crease. Once Endowed

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in the Temple, sacred garments are worn beneath your

clothing, the end of which land somewhere on your

thigh. If the girls could feel the crease of where they

end, they could confirm the man’s worthiness. They

became acceptable for dating.

This creates the assumption of if they aren’t worthy

then they cannot be a person to be considered for

marriage. This is in a direct contrast of what the Church

teaches of worthiness. The striving for it, despite the

fact people will fail at times, is what we should all aim

for.

Matthew 7:2

New Testament

2 For what judgement ye judge, ye

shall be judged.

Repentance is conducted in private and is done so to

discourage the judgment, looking for indications on

worthiness unravels this practice. Confessions might

as well be announced from the pulpit following the

opening prayer. Laying all to bear witness to your

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Saying Sorry

shortcomings and struggles in your attempts to stick

to the Gospel.

On the subject of judgment, the Church believes that

we will all face judgment before we enter heaven. The

exact nature of the judgment being that will be seen in

relation to our own abilities.

2 Nephi 9:15

The Book of Mormon

15 And it shall come to pass that

when all men shall have passed from

this first death unto life, insomuch

as they have become immortal, they

must appear before the judgment-seat

of the Holy One of Israel; and then

cometh the judgment, and then must

they be judged according to the holy

judgment of God

Judgement isn’t a voluntary but is up to God. This is a

being with omniscience, He is all-knowing.

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Being Mormon

Doctrine and Covenants 137:9

9 For I, the Lord, will judge all men

according to their works, according to

the desire of their hearts.

This shows it is not just the way in which we act but in

the intentions. If redemption and understanding of the

need for repentance is in you, that is considered.

There is an old idiom: “we all have our cross to bear”.

The Church doesn’t follow suit with other faiths of using

the Cross as a symbol, and asks for members to avoid

the use. However, in this sense I believe it is necessary.

Jesus carried his cross through the streets being beaten,

spat at and whipped. We all carry a metaphorical

cross in the form of temptations to lead us astray.

These temptations can come from experimentation

in an unknown world for those raised in the Church.

They can come from pressure to be somewhat more

normal. They can come from a return to a life before

the Church. They can even come from convenience

in not practicing the religion regularly. These are all

crosses. I can’t imagine that beating, spitting, and

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Saying Sorry

whipping makes it easier. These acts won’t happen

when carrying your cross in a physical sense, if it did

I assume more documentaries would have been made.

They will happen in a symbolic sense. Guilt, judgment,

and rumour will make the carrying of a cross harder.

Even if it takes a lifetime to get the wool clean of

the scarlet stains, or even if you can’t achieve it in

this lifetime, the intention and want to do so is just

as important. It’s the taking part that counts. For

members to search out those who do not partake in

the sacrament or watch the door to the Bishop’s office

to make assumptions, or looking for the creases on a

suits trouser leg, is to be one to burden the heavy cross

further.

If God can look at his creations and judge on what is the

intentions the person has and act accordingly, people

looking for the stains in their own congregations,

casting their own judgment without the omniscience

needed, seems to be a little ridiculous. If you are one of

the people looking for stains, do not worry.

You can always repent.

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65

One Tenth

Tithing is another aspect of where a great

expectation lies within the Church. The law of

tithing is explained as a tenth of your increase.

This isn’t an unusual practice to donate to a church,

the idea of a percentage does seem like somewhat

of money grab however, in the biblical since a tithe

is measured as a tenth. Tithing in the Church goes

towards the infrastructure and the maintaining the

buildings, missionary work, humanitarian aid, and the

Church welfare system. The latter two are very noble

endeavours.

The discrepancy comes with the use of the word

increase. Many interpreted this to be in reference to

annual income, this however is never specified. This

then begins the fruitless argument of net or gross,

often rebutted by the question, do you want your

blessings net or gross? I personally don’t believe that

in all his omnipotence, God has an accountant. Other

interpretations are put forward in that you pay based

on the amount that your wealth has increased. After

bills, living expenses, and other necessary financial

requirements, if your account is up £1.00 you pay 10

pence.

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Tithing isn’t officially there to develop the portfolio

of the Church, it is there to bring the members more

in line with their own spirituality. An act of sacrifice

to show gratitude and commitment. This is the most

basic of explanations given and was bestowed upon

me when confronting a church leader.

One contracted Sunday I had somehow been swindled

into attending Sunday school. This is usually the

time I take a contemplative walk to purchase a bacon

sandwich from the haven that is Greggs the Bakers.

I know I’m not supposed to spend money on a

Sunday but the overwhelming delicious, salty treat

is my strongest temptation. This week however was

different, I already had snacks. I was pulled into the

classroom, I sat at the back intending to spend the

entire time scrolling through my varying social media

accounts and avoiding eye contact. This often prevents

participation or being asked to read out loud.

This plan was going off without a hitch, that was until

a member of the Area Seventy entered the room, with

some pomp and a significant amount of circumstance.

He sat in the corner with all the discretion of a reversing

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One Tenth

street sweeper. The teacher managed to get somewhat

back on track and with the drop of a hat seemed to

win the word bingo of this visiting authority. He

mentioned tithing. With the ringing of that word

rattling in his ears this Church Leader could remain

silent no longer. In and amongst other ostentatious

prattling, he proceeded to ask: “I would like to know

what the young members think about tithing?”. The

tone was that of a pretentious teacher expecting us

to fail. The vacuous silence of the auditorium almost

made a sharp return.

The class I was in was focused on the young adults of

the Church and I was the elder statesmen being in my

late twenties. This silence was becoming unbearable

with the taunts coming from the corner attempting

to gain a response. The kind-hearted teacher didn’t

have it with in him to declare this a failed experiment.

I had to cut the tension. I’m inactive, what do I have

to lose? I returned fire with my own opinion on the

matter. I don’t see how institutionalised taxation of the

members is necessary. The last I checked, heaven isn’t

pay on entry. I was under the impression that it is more

of a members only club. This is when the answer was

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given. An explanation I had heard from being a child.

He went on to explain this exact principle in such vague

detail I found it astounding he managed to find such a

number of words to fill it. It had a feeling of meeting a

word count on an essay. I zoned out.

On exiting the room, I apologised to the teacher

for pandering to such an easy goad. He expressed a

similar opinion to mine of the man that had filibustered

his class and we proceeded to the chapel. Yet again

the answers are out there and the why in the case

was reduced down to a remedial level. The sacrifice

of physical possessions for the gain of spiritual

enlightenment is a concept that is well trodden by

many religions. Buddhist monks have got the practice

perfected it would seem. The truth of it is to sacrifice

for the Church, it is a selfless act. Tithing is not given

only for your own spiritual benefit but to help with

the spreading of the Gospel so others may share in it.

To reduce it down to a direct exchange in paying for

spiritual knowledge and a jump the queue on blessing.

It makes it seem transactional, removing the overall

why, focusing yet again on the how.

This may seem trivial and as if I have a predisposition

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on not parting with money but there is a deeper

reason why this has bent me so out of shape. Before

entering the Temple, members must acquire a Temple

Recommend, this is effectively a passport to be able to

take part in the spiritual activities that happen within.

As a Church member you make covenants with God

through certain symbolic occasions, a good example

of this baptism. At the age of 8 or upwards people in

Church attendance will be baptised which is an act of

taking covenants. Differing ordinances take place in

the Temple as part of making more covenants. This is

an extremely sacred part of practicing the religion and

although I do joke about its secrecy, it does deserves

some reverence.

In order to obtain a recommend members will have

an interview with the Bishop, as previously stated

these are extremely sacred acts and require some

aspect of worthiness validation. Many questions are

asked during this interview regarding different facets

of commitment. This isn’t as intense as you would

thing, most questions are regarding your own faith.

Coincidentally, the 10th question is: “Are you a full

tithe payer?”. Depending on how you answer this

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question can determine your ability to fully practice

your faith.

Tithing is paid on an honour system, there is no need

to provide statements. As understood from earlier

there is no strict definition of what tenth you are

paying. This may let some more slippery members to

subvert parting with cash but if someone is planning

on attending the Temple it can almost be guaranteed

that they are annoyingly honest in their dealings. The

answer to this question isn’t an interrogation into if you

have paid enough to afford entry to the secret society.

It is a question of your commitment to the faith and

how you view your own acts. You sacrifice what you

can, not what someone else might expect.

When the concept of paying tithing impacts your

ability to enter the Temple and experience fulfilment in

sacred covenants is applied to the misguided thoughts

of debating gross or net blessings it makes the entire

affair seem again like a paid entry system. This puts

a financial burden upon members, if you don’t pay

enough are you paying a full tithe? There is a reason

the Church operates on an honour system, the amount

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really isn’t important. What is important is the sacrifice.

When someone approaches the topic with their own

interpretation of what people should be paying, they

are profoundly missing the point. The how and why

are yet again muddled.

When thinking about tithing I remembered a story

told to me and my siblings when we were young and

learning the principles of the Church. My parents, Nick

and Kairon, married in 1991 and formed a life together

in a back-to-back terrace house in Huddersfield. It

was equally as far from both Grandparents, not in a

malicious way it just stops jealousy. In November 1993

my older brother, Nathan, was born, followed swiftly

by my older sister, Kirsty, in the June of 1995. 16 months

later I was born. Some say my parents needed a hobby,

my thoughts are that they clearly had one. Maybe there

wasn’t anything good on T.V.

My younger siblings, Ross and Poppy, followed a few

years later, with more wise spacing. Whether it was us

first 3 being a handful or T.V. dramatically improving,

they needed the break.

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Both my parents had humble jobs and worked

extremely hard to ensure we never went without. This

has now paid off and we are an ever-growing family. At

the time however, this wasn’t always the case. Despite

all their best efforts and intentions, money didn’t grow

on trees. One of the more severe of these occasions

was when they only had enough money to either pay

their tithing or buy proper food for themselves to eat.

They would never consider leaving us without full

stomachs, despite my penchant for chicken flavoured

Super Noodles.

The choice they made may seem bizarre to those not

in the Church, but they understood the why of tithing.

They paid it with no real plan on how the following week

was going to work with regards to their hunger. They

made their sacrifice. Whether you see this a miracle,

answer to prayer, or just a simple coincidence, thanks

to caring members with no overt prior knowledge to

the financial difficulties, my parents ate.

My parents always have been less selfish than me, that’s

a nature thing, not nurture. If there was a donation to

Church getting between me and food, I already know

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what my choice would be, by a landslide. The fact

is they didn’t worry about the amount, they didn’t

question if their blessings would be gross or net. They

just understood the why. The how was more difficult

than usual but they acted on the why regardless and

received the blessings they needed. In this case it was

a bit transactional.

I’m chalking that up to being what they needed.

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Missionary work lays claim to being one

of the largest instigating factors for me

stepping away from the Church, in direct

antithesis of it’s intended purpose. It has been a

part of spreading the good word, even since before

Christianity was born. In a rather ironic turn of events,

my favourite biblical story is in regards to missionary

work. The story of Jonah and the whale. This story

can be found in the Old Testament, surprisingly in

the book of Jonah. It is said that he was called of God

to go to Nineveh to preach his gospel and perform

prophetic duties. Nineveh was a wicked city and could

be seen as a formidable place for someone to go and

preach against their ways. Within the second verse Of

Jonah 1, he had run away from his responsibilities. He

escaped to Joppa and boarded a ship to Tarshish. The

names of these places isn’t necessary for the story, I just

enjoy flexing my scriptural muscles from time-to-time.

Waking every day at 6 am from the ages of 14-18 to

study in seminary pays off from time to time.

Back to the ship. A great tempest arose, and it was

deemed to be Jonah’s fault as the sailors discover he

shunned his duties. The others on the ship asked him

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what they should do in order to survive. I think it is

fairly self-explanatory what they did. Into the sea he

went. This was disputed by the sailors to begin with,

but Jonah assured them it was the only way to calm

the waves, showing a surprising amount of bravery

compared to earlier. Given the name of this story the

next part is obvious. What is described as a great fish

swallowed Jonah.

He remained within the beast until he relented and

promised to go to Nineveh. The verses then state he

was “vomited” onto dry land, which I always felt was

quite a visceral description for the Bible. He then goes

the Nineveh and tells them behave or some Sodom

and Gomorrah type punishment would take place.

They repented and all was good. Happily ever after,

except Jonah is a bit cross that they got let off so easily

and all he did was run away and as punishment he

was swallowed whole. He gets yet another telling off

and the story draws to a close.

This story was always my favourite because the

concept of missionary work was always frightened

me, particularly when Nineveh seems like many cities

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I saw people go to when doing their own missionary

work. Jonah was a great prophet and clearly revered

enough to commune with God. He still got scared and

ran away from his duties. He showed humanity in the

face of immortality. He ultimately showed commitment

and humility in accepting that he didn’t know better

than God. His story is not only about imperfection but

forgiveness as well.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

missionaries are men and women between the ages of

18-26, men serve for 2 years and women for 18 months.

This is paid for by the church but with that comes some

stipulations. There are rules and guidelines they all

must follow including, travelling in pairs at all times

(not to the bathroom), limited times of contact with

friends and family and much like Jonah, they don’t get

to choose where they go.

The rules for when you would go on your mission

have fluctuated over the years. 2 days before my 16th

birthday, October 6th, 2012, the age for missionaries

was reduced from 19 to 18 for men. I had one less year

to come up with an excuse. When my 18th birthday

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rolled around, I didn’t have one. Much like Jonah,

I ran. Removing myself from conversations with

Church Leaders when they asked about it, denying

friend’s requests to put our applications in together,

and generally avoiding any reference to it at home. My

older brother had already severed in Greece and my

father in the London south mission, I was going to be

the odd one out.

My great fish wasn’t one of physical dimensions, it

was made of expectation from everyone. Years passed

by after my refusal to go, I had embarked on a career

as a hairdresser as a diversion. This became a very

time heavy avoidance strategy but at least I gained

a skill, I guess. With every interaction at Church the

conversations seemed to meander into the subject

of why I was there while all my friends were away

serving the Church. I felt like a coward, it was as if my

friends were out fighting against a great foe and I had

a forged doctors note. The overwhelming persistent

integration around my attendance to my home ward

was becoming unbearable. Particularly with the

knowledge that missionary work is not compulsory.

All of this expectation was misplaced and unwanted.

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Every time I would see my stake president, there was

no small talk, no brief inquisition on my well-being just

the brutal stab of, “when are we putting those papers

in?”, I had never felt so isolated and helpless. If I was

forced to go, what did they expect? Was I going to reach

a new level of enlightenment and understand why

missionary work was such a necessity? The more likely

outcome was that I would come home early and enter

into a new line of questioning. I had seen this happen

when my older brother came home early. He had the

strength to power through and return to his mission

and complete his two years. I even saw this happen to

my younger brother when he called his mission short

after being caught in Macau, China during the Covid

pandemic. This resulted in him being confined to a flat

in Solihull. His mission wasn’t destined to be a full one,

he was originally called to Hong Kong and was placed

in Macau thanks to riots. This is wasn’t a good start.

This isn’t to say that every single member shared

the same opinion. Other than our own parents, one

other stands out to me, other than my parents. The

mother with the hug. She sat with both me and my

older brother when dealing with troubles of a mission

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nature. This woman carried only love and realism with

her and expected nothing more than what we could

give. She and a handful of others became a crutch for

me to lean upon when the pressure brought me to my

knees.

Said pressure increased to lead my Bishop to start my

mission application without my permission. I had never

alluded to a desire to pursue going on a mission, quite

the opposite in fact, yet it is such an expectation that he

relinquished my right to start the papers myself. All of

this reduced me down to a shell of who I should have

been at Church. I was never the perfect member but

in certain people’s eyes I was denying my responsibly

to serve. Questions of worthiness, commitment, and

understanding persisted until my only option was to

resign myself to what I felt I was. I stopped any and

all participation in Church events outside of Sunday

service. I became apathetic in regards scriptural studies.

I gave up. I began to believe those who thought I was

letting people down in not going on a mission.

As my friends returned, they carried on along the

covenant path and pursued marriage and Church

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callings. They often asked where I was when Church

events took place, extended flaccid invites to the next

one that was coming up. They eventually realised

the damage may be too deep for them to mine out.

Whether this is true or an apparition of my now sour

mind, each check-up, invite, or chance encounter felt

as if they were talking to an unenlightened man. It was

if I was wounded.

One of the few moments of relief I would get was when

speaking my dear friend, Louis Adamson. He, unlike

me, served his mission and was called to South Africa.

Louis’ case is different to most but similar to some

in that he came home early only to leave again and

finish his allotted 2 years. We have known each other

since the age of 12 and with every year that passed

grew closer. When he returned home, we were the

only two left from our group in attendance at the few

Church events I attended. The others were out serving

their missions across the continents. In this time our

closeness became brotherly, and I don’t intend to talk

for him, but he became somewhat of a support for my

wavering want to attend anything remotely related to

Jesus.

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We have never had a silence between us when we

talk, both of us are over excitable when it comes to

discussion and knowledge. We pose the questions to

each other constantly challenging each others views,

This has resulted in correspondence with each other

discussing the matter of missionary work:

“Leading up to the first time I went out on

mission, there was certainly a real personal

desire to go out and serve. Understanding

the nature of these desires isn’t exactly all

that simple, however. I often look back and

wonder what was it that was the actual

motivating factor. At the time, I felt that I

was going out there because I wanted to

help people, that I wanted to help people

come closer to God and feel what I had felt.

Prior to leaving I had a very deep depressive

episode that resulted from the culmination

of a bad break-up during the middle of my

A-level exams. At the time, turning to God

and the Church helped me pull through that

rough time and find happiness at the end

of the ordeal. At least, that’s how I saw it

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at the time. Whether or not it was merely

due to the fact that I simply moved through

the grieving process (as one naturally

would), or that the prospects of going on a

mission gave me something to focus on to

help me move past my temporary bout of

depression; I genuinely felt I had felt the

love of Christ throughout the process and,

perhaps naively, believed that I had a duty

to share what I had felt with others who

needed it. A similar factor was the fact that

I come from a scientific background and felt

that my perspective as a missionary would

be valuable in helping others reconcile

religion with science.

In contrast to this, there was, certainly, an

underlying tone of expectation within the

Church for a young man of my age to leave

on mission. It was even taught in Sunday

school that serving a mission is a priesthood

duty. Whether its intentional or not, the

Church benefits from sending young men

on missions even if doing so does not lead to

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an increase in membership. Quite cynically,

the nature of missionary works puts these

young people on the front line to defend

against a significant portion of the Church’s

opposition on a daily basis. Doing so within

the isolationist conditions missionaries are

subjected to, where their very identity as a

missionary is dependent on the truthfulness

of the Church, “it must be true otherwise

I’m wasting my time”.

This very often helps entrench allegiance

to the Church, allowing for better retention

among younger members. Postponement,

especially when attending university where

Church doctrines are better given room to

be questioned by an individual away from

family and church friends, is systemically

discouraged more often than not. Either

directly or indirectly. That didn’t seem to

have much of an impact on me at the time.

I was already wise to the fact that many

general authorities hadn’t served missions

themselves, and they were still seen as

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righteous individuals. My parents always

expressed their support for me whichever

way I chose, as they always taught that it

wasn’t prerequisite to living a righteous

life but did always emphasise the blessings

of living up to one’s full potential. My

younger brother, Sam, has opted not to

serve a mission (reasons unspecified) and

my parents have not once expressed any

concern regarding this and have always

been extremely accepting as far as I can

tell from my perspective. So, in regard to

expectations within the church, I did not

feel obligated to leave for a mission.

The only real pressure that I personally felt,

however, was perhaps more social: all my

friends in my ward had either left or were

leaving on missions. Dating prospects in

YSA were heavily hampered if you had not

yet left on mission, not for any insidious

reason, but rather that it would often feel

like a waste of time to start dating someone

who could potentially leave on mission at

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any moment. Pausing any progress. This is

especially poignant when considering how

significant a role marriage plays within

Church dating scenes, something made

more complicated by a 2-year break mid

courtship.

Tying into these two social pressures is

also the element of gossip, where it was

extremely common for people to speculate

the worthiness of even strangers within the

Church that delay or bypass missionary

service. Even though knowledge and

acceptance of challenges relating to poor

mental health and how that impacts

missionary service had come a long way

even by 2015, the question of worthiness

always lingered as a possibility. The

uncertainty of such a question impacts

relationships as questions would start with

“is it a worthiness thing?” which would

inevitably lead to “if it is unworthiness,

what did they do? Is it sexual in nature? If

so, was it just a slip in standards or did they

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hurt someone?” This speculation has the

tendency to affect trust within social circles

and throw wedges between friendships

without running the risk of letting everyone

in on your personal life (and even then,

some may not believe you).

When I look back at myself at that time, I

can’t help but think there was certainly an

element of narcissism that motivated myself

to go out on a mission. I say so, in part, due to

my desire to be liked and respected in social

circles. I wanted to fit, in to a degree, with

the other young men leaving on missions

from my ward. I didn’t want to be perceived

as a sinner or pervert who couldn’t keep it

in his pants long enough to stay worthy

before mission/marriage, to be perceived

as someone without discipline, as someone

who couldn’t live up to the ideal. I wanted

to be datable, and by going out and serving

God and doing good in other people’s

lives. A good and righteous man. It would

make me more desirable. Coupled with the

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aforementioned experiences regarding the

love of Christ and my attitudes towards

science, there was definitely somewhat of

a saviour complex at play. I felt like I had

something to prove.

To say that my motivation for serving was

founded primarily on narcissism, however,

feels all to cynical. I did (and still do)

genuinely wish to be of a service to others

and help them, and I think that both altruism

and narcissism can work simultaneously as

motivating factors. Yes, perhaps I wanted

to look good in front of my peers, but also

the thought of others going through what

I went through without the same support

system I had was upsetting and something

I authentically wished to do something

about. From my perspective, it’s this

same empathic drive that has, in parallel,

strongly influenced my politics regarding

socialism and social justice. In the balance

of it all, external pressure and shame only

played a minor role in my more narcissistic

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motivations, whereas my internal

motivations (both altruistic and narcissistic

in nature) were far more significant. I would

even go as far to say that even if shame were

not to be such a significant factor within the

culture of the Church, I believe I would have

left for my mission anyway.

The dynamic of this situation changed

significantly upon my second attempt of

serving a mission. I genuinely felt as if I

didn’t need to return home. Leaving on my

mission the first time, I felt I had repented of

all my sins, I felt I was clean and worthy to

go. But the fear instilled upon me by church

leaders of serving a mission whilst unworthy

was so great to the point that I even began

questioning whether I had been lying to

myself about being worthy and repenting

properly for previous transgressions.

Because of the culture of the Church, I felt

that I would be an evil and subversive person

if I was to serve a mission knowing I hadn’t

repented of past transgressions. Truthfully,

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I still, to this day, do not understand the

full repentance process, particularly when

it comes to the confession of sins to a

Bishop/Priesthood Leader. To what degree

of sinfulness is it necessary to speak to the

Bishop and what are the rehabilitative steps

required to repent of the sin? In hindsight,

having met with a range of Bishops, Stake

Presidents and Mission Presidents to discuss

transgressions, in connection with accounts

I have read of other people’s experiences. It

would seem that it is somewhat of a roulette.

All Priesthood Leaders seem to differ on

how they weigh certain individual sins and

how they enforce associated consequences.

The policy seems to be unclear and give

a lot of leeway, as well as the privacy/

lack of transparency of such situations

giving way to the Priesthood Leader’s

own biases influencing the outcomes.

Couple this with the social backlash faced

by certain outcomes, like returning home

early, frequent visits to the Bishop’s office

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on Sundays, missing temple trips, not

partaking of the sacrament, disfellowship

and excommunication, certainly builds up

a lot of anxiety when it comes to repenting

of transgressions whether big or small,

considering the resulting gossip, speculation

or shame.

My issue was that prior to leaving on

mission I had consensually broken the Law

of Chastity. I had already spoken to the

Bishop about it before getting my mission

recommend and confessed my sin. But when

I was out on mission, I was all too worried

about whether or not I had been specific

enough about my transgressions. It must be

said that I had felt that I had gone through

all the introspective elements of repentance

regarding it; I felt that I had moved on from

it, repented personally with God and sought

not to do it again and to live righteously. It

doesn’t help that confessing such intimate

acts that are perceived as shameful to

a middle-aged man that you otherwise

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wouldn’t have much to do with beyond

family friend is awfully embarrassing

and intimidating. Even if I had omitted

the detail I was worried about during my

discussions with the bishops regarding

my other transgressions of the Law of

Chastity, I feel in hindsight that mentioning

it wouldn’t have changed anything in terms

of how my Bishop would have directed my

repentance. It was effectively the same sin

of passion borne from the same temptations.

Better yet, I did have some reason to believe

that I had already mentioned it and that the

whole ordeal was sorted, considering that

upon my return home the very same Bishop

seemed to not be phased by this supposed

omission and felt that my return to the

mission field was all but warranted.

My Mission President was of a different

opinion. The feeling to inquire about my

sin originated from a temple trip I went

on whilst in the mission field, where

the words of the endowment seemed to

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inspire fear into me in that the sins I had

committed, if they had been left unsaid,

were much more consequential spiritually

for me should I continue my mission. I

feared a consequence worse than death,

eternal damnation. It plagued my thoughts

from then on. I thought I was fine, but the

fear of being wrong and risking that same

damnation clouded everything, I had to

speak to someone. I approached the Mission

President by saying that I thought I had

repented of these things but wasn’t sure if

I had mentioned everything to my bishop. I

even expressed the fact that I had repented

in every other sense of the word and that

I felt good about myself in the way that I

was living but was afraid that I had missed

something. I just wanted to get it out there

just in case.

The next thing I know, I get a call back

the following day from the same Mission

President saying I was going home after

only 11 weeks of missionary service.

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I was absolutely devastated. For the very

same reasons I was motivated to go out

in the first place. I was enjoying doing

missionary work, I had an immense sense

of fulfilment and felt that what I was doing

was helping people, albeit imperfectly. I also

feared the shame of returning home early. I

feared the speculation. What would people

assume? Would they think I did something

on mission? Would they think I had done

something unthinkable before mission?

How would they treat me at social events?

Would they pity me thinking it was mental

health related? As irrational as it sounds,

would they think I’m weak or unfaithful

for not being able to push on despite such

psychological challenges? I also felt that

I had severely let down and disappointed

my whole family. That as the oldest child I

was setting a bad example to my younger

siblings.

What was worse was that my flight home

got me there for Christmas eve and I

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seriously felt that I would ruin Christmas

for my family to the point where I begged

my Mission President to postpone my flight.

I was afraid of losing my place at university

that had already been so graciously deferred

by the university faculty for the 2 years

I would have been away. Not only was

my spiritual future at stake, but also my

temporal one. I was in consolable due to the

joint heartbreak and fear.

Thankfully, the majority of my fears were a

non-factor as I came to learn after accepting

my fate. My family were happy to see me

and happy to have me home for Christmas.

They were proud of me for my honesty. I

was able to defer my university place for

another year. My friends, for the most part,

treated me the same as always. But life was

very miserable. It felt like I was on borrowed

time. It felt that if I was to not return to my

mission I would be judged, having only

served such a short amount of time. That

the longer I left it, the more the speculation

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would grow. It is well understood that,

generally speaking, the amount of time

spent between returning home and going

back out is proportional to the weight of

the transgression. For mine, I was told I

would not be eligible to return for another

6 months, despite the views of my bishop.

The pressure to return at the end of those 6

months was immense, as any longer would

raise suspicion.

I played it off cool during that time, I left

the field feeling determined to come back

considering how precious my time was

whilst I was out on the mission. I desperately

craved the same high I felt in those first 2

months. I was determined to not let social

pressures phase me. I was too ashamed to

go to church initially and missed the first

Sunday back will full understanding and

support from my parents. I still needed to

process the fact that my life plan had been

derailed. But after that I wanted to show my

face. This is probably because I wanted to

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prove to people that I am worthy. To show

that I can take the sacrament, that I can

attend the Temple, as both were still granted

to me by my Bishop. I didn’t want anyone

to think that I was a failure.

That ultimately lead to a change in my

attitude when it finally came to going back

out. My time in YSA during that time was

miserable as most of my peers were on

mission or in relationships, and pursuing

my own relationship with people I was

interested in felt futile as it was expected

I would be returning to the field soon and

without marriage around the corner what

was the point? I also feared facing the same

temptation that got me into this mess in the

first place and complicating my prospects of

returning. It was an incredibly lonely time.

Even if the shame of being the prodigal son

wasn’t a factor, the loneliness was plenty

enough for me to feel depressed. I worked a

part time pizza delivery job during that time

but didn’t have the motivation to do much

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else. I was coasting until I was allowed to go

back out on mission, and I felt that my life

didn’t have much meaning otherwise. The

uncertainty of my release date didn’t help

as I would need to received permission from

the First Presidency at the end of the initial

6 months’ probation following a letter from

myself detailing my repentance, and even

then, that permission was not guaranteed.

I was at a crossroads when it came to June/

July of the next year. University or mission?

In that moment, in hindsight it would be

fairer to say that the combined pressures

(both explicit and implicit) exerted by the

culture surrounding the Church was the

majority influence behind my return to

the field. I coped with this by convincing

myself that it was my duty not to betray

my previous internal motivations, that

because I still loved God and the Church it

was something I needed to do, and that by

virtue of it being “the right thing to do” it

was something that I wanted to do of my

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own volition. I certainly still believed in the

Church, but there’s no hiding the fact that,

spiritually speaking, I was stung by the

whole ordeal.

This continued on the second part of my

mission too. Whilst waiting for my visa

for my assigned mission location, I served

two transfers domestically. During that

time, I was faced with severe anxiety and

panic attacks (English people respond a lot

harsher than South Africans to missionary

work/religion in general) which hampered

my missionary work. Feeling like you

have something to prove yet also being

burdened with intense anxiety isn’t terribly

motivating for missionary work, at least

not for the right reasons. Ultimately, my

Domestic Mission President held my visa

at ransom and said I couldn’t continue my

mission in South Africa unless I was able to

prove I was able to overcome my anxieties

and do the work. I mean, the logic makes

sense. If I can’t handle doing missionary

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work here in England, there’s no guarantee

I will be fine in South Africa, even if people

are kinder to missionaries over there (spoiler

warning: I faced nowhere near the same

level of anxiety in SA). I was then effectively

faced with either get over your anxiety and

continue your mission or get sent home for

mental health reasons. I can understand the

concern, but it had the negative effect on

me where again I felt like I had something

to prove. Going home again after only 12

weeks would mean I was an even greater

failure even if the reasons for returning

were more noble.

That underlying implicit pressure was

ultimately the difference of making me

push through. Whether or not it was worth

it is up for debate, but I tend to avoid

viewing such pivotal decisions with regret,

as I feel like what is done is done. Anything

after that, in terms of fulfilment from my

mission, was up to me to make. Ultimately,

I did push through and complete my two

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years honourable (in fact, I ended up being

out there 3-4 weeks longer than necessary)

and came away from it with many valuable

life lessons, but boy was I happy to be done

with it. I definitely enjoyed the bulk of my

time there, but I came away with plenty of

scars and any feelings of pride for my work

in South Africa has slowly waned over time.

Regardless, there is no hiding the negative

role Church culture played in making those

decisions along my missionary journey.”

Louis Adamson

The understanding of why missions exist had been

completely lost on me, others feel the genuine reasons

why people go, both experience the pressure. We all

knew there was an underlying drum beat of the belief

everyone should go on a mission. In any case, the how

was much larger than giving up an hour on a Sunday

or wearing less short shorts. This was stepping off the

world for two years, placing your life on hold, delaying

education. This is a complete sacrifice of who you are.

We were taught from being children this is what we

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did, and told it is a commitment of faith. The why in

my eyes “because we said so”. The why should have

been because you have received spiritual awareness

that this is what you needed be doing, like Louis. This

is one of few things that the Church are completely

voluntary. Unlike the callings there is no obligation for

Church Leaders to assign this role, people should be

left to choose. The why is because you feel your belief

needs to be shared with others. But this isn’t the case.

As you can probably expect mine and Jonah’s stories

separate, I never went on my mission. I am yet to

be returned to dry land. I am still in the belly of the

whale. I have not been festering in here for a number of

days, it has been nearly a decade. Jonah never stopped

communicating with God to forgive him and give

him another opportunity, maybe this is where I went

wrong. The overwhelming amount of questioning

and expectation was too much for me to handle and

I relinquished to be digested by the beast. I fear that

if I accepted the regurgitation would see that I have

become far more bitter than Jonah was when he saw

the people of Nineveh so easily forgiven.

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Lewis and the Whale

I do often find myself wondering what would have

happened if I went? What would be my Nineveh?

Probably Manchester.

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The Benediction

This just a small insight in what it is to be

Mormon. The cultural burden held to be able to

practice the religion who you chose to put your

name to. Although quite anecdotal these experiences

resonate through the Church. During the time taken

writing this book, I have received and over whelming

amount of support from younger and more realistic

members of the Church. The stories may not be exactly

the same, but the frustrations are.

To call a religion perfect or the right one is to eliminate

the beliefs of billions of people and discredit what they

put at the forefront of their lives. This is obviously

not what I want to accomplish by writing this book.

The astounding thing about religion as a whole is to

strive for a version of perfection. This is not exclusive

to religion but within them there are measurable

levels of how close you are. Aspiration to be the best

representation of the beliefs you hold, providing these

don’t degrade others, is something we should all aim

to do. Religious or not.

When speaking to a non-Church friend one night, he

asked me quite a profound question: “do you think

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Being Mormon

that being raised religious made you a good person?”.

This question sent my mind for a loop. This wasn’t a

question of whether or not it made me a better person

than anyone else, far more introspective than that. It

was a deep look into my ego, am I a good person?

I like to think I am. Could I be more positive? Yes,

probably. Do I swear too much? That’s personal

preference. Do I occasionally wee on the toilet seat and

blame my younger brother? Yes, definitely and I will

never change. What constitutes a good person? All

I wanted to do was play Call of Duty and my friend

has sent me into a spiral of confusion. Quite selfish on

his part but I don’t think he intended it to be such a

hard question for me. I had to answer otherwise my

performance on the game would continue to steadily

decline. My reputation was at stake.

“Yes, I think it has make me a better person” I tentatively

replied. Why did I think that? Would I be super villain

if I didn’t attend Church regularly? Since leaving have

I become a worse person? An introspective look I

really didn’t want to have to consider. I had figure out

why the Church made me a better person than I would

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The Benediction

have been if I never attended. This nearly brought an

end to the book, if I was such a good person why I

would go after the Church. I remembered the first

section I wrote, the reason for this book in general. I

wanted to help the members. I still do. Revisiting the

time I spent as an active member brought up a lot of

annoyance and anger at the experiences I had. They

make me angry because it is not anything to do with

the teachings themselves. There are teachings I don’t

think need to be there, but every religion has things

that people disagree with. The point of annoyance was

the misunderstanding of the teachings or the apathetic

way in which people treated them.

There may be some aspects I have touched upon that

seem harsh or not allowing for human error, but it has

caused people to step away from a faith. Some may

think this is a good thing, others may not. The worst

part of this is that it puts people into distress, uprooting

a central part of what makes up a part of their identity.

I needed to be harsh at times.

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Being Mormon

Jeffery R. Holland of the 12 apostles once gave a talk

during general conference where he spoke directly to

the young men. The talk was called ‘We are all Enlisted’

and as you can imagine it was a firm stance with such a

militant title. When he began to talk to the young men,

he used the analogy of him being our coach. He Said:

“I am going to get in your face a little, nose

to nose, with just enough fire in my voice

to singe your eyebrows a little—the way

coaches do when the game is close, and

victory means everything.”

This is what I feel I needed to do. When Elder Holland

spoke, he spoke firmly but with love. I have a deep

amount of love for my friends in the Church and would

never do anything to lure them into my darkened soul.

I have made no bones about my issues and have never

intended to hide them. This is probably why I have

such a reputation with the missionaries.

Issues that seem to prevail are ones with the defined

and engrained separation of the why and the how

of religious practice. The morphing of the how into

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The Benediction

a dogma all their own. It begins to form almost a

demonstrative off shoot of what the Church shouldn’t

represent.

All of these problems weigh on me, it is almost a case

of “I know better”, often brushed off as my miserable

disposition. In the interest of honesty, I am tired.

Exhausted by the implications the Church has placed

on my life, not by callings, abdication from consuming

certain chemicals or even the threat of missionary

work. Nothing so simple. I am run down by the way

in which it can be clumsily practiced. I’m not perfect,

I am sure when I was active there were many ways I

did things that others thought was wrong. Maybe they

can just deal with it better? Turning the other cheek

is a skill I never excelled at. Maybe this is my way of

turning the other cheek? It can’t be, this is too much

like a retaliation.

Maybe this is just me dealing with the guilt of being

inactive? From my unique position can I offer a different

perspective? Maybe I just needed to get it off my chest?

Who’s to say? Maybe I will figure it out?

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Jonah, despite his prophetic standing he wavered and

fell. He ran away from his call. After rebuking and

repentance he understood that he must do as he was

told and went to Nineveh. This is yet another occasion

when our stories take different paths. The big question

I was asked by people when writing this book was,

when it’s all done will I be returning? Will I be accepting

the call to be vomited back up on to dry land?

My answer is, no.

Not yet.

Sorry Mum.

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Glossary

Adam and Eve

The first of Gods children

to have mortal bodies.

Apostles

Follower of Christ or

Leader of the Church.

Area 70

Member of the Third

Quorum of the 70. Focused

on local leadership.

Baptism

The act of joining the

Church through full

immersion.

Bishop

Leader of a local

congregation or ward.

Covenant

A promise made between

you and God.

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Doctrine and Covenants

Direct revelation record

and given to Joseph Smith.

Especially for Youth (EFY) Multi Regional

Convention for members

aged 14-18.

First Presidency

The Prophet and his Two

Counsellors.

For the Strength of

Youth (FSY)

See Especially for youth.

Also a guide book for that

age range.

Garments

Sacred underwear with

powerful symbolism.

General Authority

A Church Leader on

national or international

areas.

General Conference

Semi-annual conference

and broadcast to members

from Leaders.

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Greggs

Best bakers in England.

Lamanites

The descendent of Laman,

in The Book of Mormon.

Lehi

First Prophet in The Book

of Mormon.

Mission

A 2 year calling where

men and women aged 18-

16 preach full time.

Mission President

The acting Leader of a

mission area.

Missionary

Those who have chosen to

do missionary work.

New Testament

Scripture surrounding

Jesus’ teachings.

Old Testament

Scripture before Christ.

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Ordinances

Sacred and symbolic acts

done in the Temple.

Original Sin

The act of Adam eating the

apple, Disobeying God.

Prophet

Leader of the Church.

Quorum

A group of men with

priesthood duties.

Repentance

Process of Forgiveness

from God.

Sacrament

Act of Repentance by

Symbolically consuming

bread and water.

Seminary

Scripture study lessons

carried out between the

ages of 14-18.

Stake

A Group of Wards.

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Stake Conference

A meeting of wards to

hear from members and

leaders.

Temple

A place for higher levels of

worship.

The Book of Mormon

The Teachings of Christ

in biblical times in the

Americas.

The Pearl of Great Price

Further of Christ’s

Teachings.

Tithing

Donation of 10% of a

members increase.

Ward

A local Congregation.

Young Mens

Youth group for boys

aged 12-18. Holders of the

Aaronic Priesthood.

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Young Single

Adults (YSA)

Unmarried men and

women above the age of

18.

Young Womens

Youth group for girls aged

12-18.

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being mormon Submission

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