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Uncle Andy's Digest - May 2024

You MAY want to pick up a printed copy of the May 2024 edition of Uncle Andy's Digest, or you can read it here. As always you'll find the best of what local businesses have to offer. As well, you'll find great stories, Funny Jokes, Punny Fun, hilarious one-liners, and Fun at our out-and-abouts. Shop local, and find the best central Maine businesses to serve your needs and wants. Happy Spring!

You MAY want to pick up a printed copy of the May 2024 edition of Uncle Andy's Digest, or you can read it here. As always you'll find the best of what local businesses have to offer. As well, you'll find great stories, Funny Jokes, Punny Fun, hilarious one-liners, and Fun at our out-and-abouts. Shop local, and find the best central Maine businesses to serve your needs and wants. Happy Spring!

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UNCLE<br />

DIGEST<br />

ANDY’S<br />

Your local guide to... well, just about anything!<br />

MAY<br />

<strong>2024</strong><br />

SINCE 1996<br />

Ask About Our Free Med Cards<br />

25 Lisbon St.<br />

Lewiston<br />

207.740.9053<br />

207THC.com<br />

207-782-7113<br />

Technician<br />

Wanted<br />

Apply Within!<br />

31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandsautobody.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 1


MAINE’S #1 STEAKHOUSE<br />

Treat your mom to a steak dinner!<br />

We are<br />

hiring<br />

line cooks<br />

Ribeye, loaded baked potato,<br />

& pickle and olive medley.<br />

Seafood Scampi<br />

Shrimp & Scallop tossed with spinich,<br />

Tomato and Penne in a light Garlic Sauce<br />

& with broccoli salad.<br />

ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS!<br />

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • MacsGrill.com


Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m in pre-school or high school. Oh wait, I’m at work.<br />

We’re here for you<br />

Modern Woodmen of America continues to be strong and stable, even in these times of<br />

uncertainty. We’ve been around since 1883, standing strong through world wars, national<br />

disease outbreaks, depressions and recessions.<br />

Do you have questions or concerns about your financial plan, call today. We will continue<br />

to be here for you.<br />

MODERN WOODMEN<br />

OF AMERICA<br />

MAY <strong>2024</strong><br />

ACTIVITIES<br />

Tuesday, <strong>May</strong> 14th<br />

Roy’s Breakfast<br />

7:00-10:00am<br />

5 Washington Street Auburn<br />

Members: $5.00<br />

Guests: $6.00<br />

Purchase Tickets: 5-08-<strong>2024</strong><br />

(8:30am-1:00pm)<br />

Wednesday, <strong>May</strong> 15th<br />

Dairy Joy<br />

3:00-7:00pm<br />

Auburn or Lewiston Location<br />

Members: $2.00<br />

Guests: $2.50<br />

Purchase Tickets: 5-08-<strong>2024</strong><br />

(8:30am-1:00pm)<br />

Paul Colasante*<br />

Lewiston, ME 04240<br />

207-782-8823<br />

Art Chamberlain*<br />

Lewiston, ME 04240<br />

207-514-7003<br />

Mike<br />

Courtemanche*<br />

Lewiston, ME 04240<br />

207-783-8921<br />

Tuesday, <strong>May</strong> 21st<br />

Fielder’s Choice<br />

4:00-7:00pm<br />

680 Minot Ave Auburn<br />

Members: $3.00<br />

Guests: $3.50<br />

Purchase Tickets:<br />

5-08-<strong>2024</strong><br />

(8:30am-1:00pm)<br />

Richard<br />

Courtemanche<br />

Lewiston, ME 04240<br />

207-786-3622<br />

Stacy Fortin<br />

Rumford, ME 04276<br />

207-357-5429<br />

Paul Gagne*<br />

Lewiston, ME 04240<br />

207-576-3426<br />

Thursday, <strong>May</strong> 23rd<br />

Val’s Drive-In<br />

4:00-6:30pm<br />

925 Sabattus Street<br />

Lewiston<br />

Members: $7.00<br />

Guests: $8.00<br />

Purchase Tickets: 5-08-<strong>2024</strong><br />

(8:30am-1:00pm)<br />

Ted Heidrich*<br />

Lewiston, ME 04240<br />

207-576-5656<br />

Ron Ouellette*<br />

Lewiston, ME 04240<br />

207-786-3612<br />

Kim Pelkey*<br />

Lewiston, ME 04240<br />

207-786-2573<br />

Reminder: Please do not call<br />

the restaurants. If you have a<br />

question, please call the office at<br />

207-782-1833 or 207-333-6052<br />

and speak with Jamie. Tickets<br />

must be purchased at the MWA<br />

District Office at 184 Webster<br />

Street Lewiston on the dates/<br />

times listed for each activity.<br />

Menus are subject to change.<br />

No substitutions or add-ons.<br />

Most importantly -<br />

Have Fun!<br />

* Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned<br />

subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC<br />

If you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will eat cereal.<br />

Follow me for more dinner ideas.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 3


<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

is published by the first Friday<br />

of every month by Lydia<br />

Media LLC with its world<br />

headquarters located at 2<br />

Great Falls Plaza, Suite 1B,<br />

Auburn, Maine, USA.<br />

Published and distributed<br />

since 1996 throughout<br />

Central Maine and mailed to<br />

subscribers all over the Free<br />

World. Subscriptions are<br />

$49 .95 /year.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />

Office: 207-783-7039<br />

Our Team<br />

PAM<br />

ASHBY<br />

PUBLISHER<br />

STEVE<br />

SIMARD<br />

SALES<br />

STEPHANIE<br />

ASSELIN<br />

SALES<br />

You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet.<br />

DON’T BE<br />

AFRAID TO<br />

SMILE<br />

Call for a free<br />

Consultation<br />

• Full Dentures<br />

• Immediate Dentures<br />

• Partial Dentures<br />

• Rebases<br />

• Relines<br />

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Smile Again<br />

Dentures<br />

STEPHANIE<br />

ARSENAULT<br />

OFFICE<br />

MANAGER<br />

TOM HILL<br />

IT • WEB<br />

All work done on-site.<br />

Repairs usually same day service!<br />

TIM<br />

ELWELL<br />

GRAPHIC<br />

DESIGNER<br />

CARICATURES COURTESY OF<br />

J. ANTHONY FIORI<br />

While <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

tries very hard to ensure the<br />

accuracy of the information in our<br />

clients’ advertisements and our<br />

publication in general, we are not<br />

responsible for vendor availability,<br />

typographical errors, technical<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> inaccuracies, Andy’s product <strong>Digest</strong> pricing<br />

errors, or omissions.<br />

4 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

Mike<br />

Adkins, LD<br />

Cassandra<br />

Gagnon, LD<br />

Joe<br />

Adkins, LD<br />

Licensed Denturists<br />

801 Webster Street, Lewiston | 514-0660<br />

SmileAgainDentures.com | smileagaindentures@gmail.com<br />

I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.


There’s No Place Like...<br />

Your one-stop<br />

shop for:<br />

• Amazing food<br />

(eat in or take out)<br />

• Agency liquor store<br />

with beer cave<br />

Agency Liquor Store & Beer Cave.<br />

• Lottery tickets<br />

• Redemption center<br />

Grab n’ Go Items Everyday!<br />

DONATE YOUR BOTTLES TO<br />

Fresh Green Mountain Coffee.<br />

WE CATER<br />

Full serve catering at the location of your choice.<br />

Help grant a wish to a local child<br />

battling a critical illness<br />

207-345-5551<br />

Dad’s Redemption Center<br />

BOOK YOUR<br />

<strong>2024</strong><br />

CORPORATE<br />

EVENTS<br />

NOW!<br />

207-345-9009<br />

DadsPlaceCatering.com<br />

REDEMPTION CENTER<br />

6 ¢<br />

on all 5¢ returns with this coupon.<br />

Located in the building behind Dad’s Place<br />

Hours: Wednesday - Sunday 9am - 5pm<br />

(closed Mondays, Tuesdays, & Major Holidays)<br />

(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting) <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s UAD exp. <strong>Digest</strong> 5.31.24<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 5<br />

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • www.dadsplacemaine.com


I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.<br />

Quality Products<br />

Reasonable Pricing<br />

IT’S WHY<br />

I’M HERE.<br />

Always a call or click away!<br />

Call, click or stop by today.<br />

Let’s talk today!<br />

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.®<br />

CALL ME TODAY.<br />

30 years<br />

in business.<br />

I’ll get over it. I just have to be dramatic about it first.<br />

Now offering<br />

online stores<br />

Hats<br />

Contractors<br />

and<br />

Landscapers<br />

Think Spring<br />

Baseball<br />

& Softball<br />

MugsPens<br />

Mugs<br />

Bags<br />

Call us for a quote TODAY!<br />

207-784-4184<br />

205 Washington St. South, Auburn<br />

coastaltshirts.com<br />

WE ARE HIRING!<br />

We are looking for someone<br />

that can help with;<br />

• Social Media<br />

• Web<br />

• Graphic Design<br />

Familiar with Adobe Creative Suite,<br />

Social Media preferred<br />

& will train on web basics.<br />

Interested? Email Pam Ashby at Pam@lydiamediallc.com or call 207-783-7039<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

6 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

Not to brag or anything, but I got the highest score on my scale today.


On average, I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.<br />

Out and About<br />

at the Maine<br />

Camping<br />

Trade Show<br />

START YOUR NEXT CHAPTER<br />

WITH AGENTS YOU’LL LOVE!<br />

Amy Plourde<br />

Perfect Stitch<br />

Jon<br />

Mercier<br />

Mark<br />

Turner<br />

Deb<br />

Morin<br />

Linda<br />

Dupuis<br />

Lindsay<br />

Wright<br />

Mason<br />

Dupuis<br />

List/Sell • Buyer Agency • Design-Build • Turn-Key Package<br />

(No Construction Loan Needed in Most Cases)<br />

Dustin<br />

Mallar<br />

368 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 207.333.6001 • mainesourcehomes.com<br />

Malayka<br />

Harriman<br />

Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?<br />

Andrew Silver<br />

The Silver Circus<br />

Angela Pinkham<br />

Main-Land<br />

Charles Buker<br />

Main-Land<br />

Blursday: when you’re not sure what day of the week it is.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 7


Out and About<br />

at the Maine<br />

Camping<br />

Trade Show<br />

I’m the person who stares at the menu for 20 minutes and ends up<br />

choosing the same meal every time.<br />

DON’T KNOW<br />

WHAT TO DO<br />

NEXT? WE DO. ®<br />

Jaime Moody<br />

Days Firewood<br />

WATER FIRE MOLD<br />

For any disaster,<br />

call ServiceMaster!<br />

29 Brickyard Circle,<br />

Auburn<br />

(800) 244-7630<br />

(207) 539-4452 www.smfireandwater.com • www.smcarpetcleaning.com<br />

Heidi Johnston<br />

Days Firewood<br />

The only reason I don’t like Facebook memories is that it shows me a shirt I had<br />

on 5 years ago is one of my newer shirts.<br />

event catering<br />

Book yours today!<br />

Maurizio DiPetro<br />

Original Pizza<br />

Amanda Baker<br />

Original Pizza<br />

Scan here to check out our catering options.<br />

120 Center St, Auburn | 207-241-0033<br />

Weddings<br />

Graduations<br />

Reunions<br />

Birthdays<br />

& More!<br />

Hours - Monday-Saturday 11am - 8pm<br />

Sunday 11am - 4pm<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

8 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

I told my wife that our kids were spoiled. She replied that all kids smell like that.


A zebra is the only animal with a barcode so it can be identified.<br />

Providing a warm and comfortable<br />

home for our residents.<br />

On Special<br />

Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />

It’s a spring weekend<br />

and Jarrod walks into a<br />

butcher shop that has<br />

a sign in the window<br />

saying “Ground Sirloin:<br />

29 cents per pound.”<br />

Jarrod says to the<br />

butcher, “I’m having a<br />

cookout this weekend,<br />

I’d like 5 pounds of<br />

your ground sirloin,<br />

please.”<br />

The butcher shakes<br />

his head and says,<br />

“Sorry. I’m all out.”<br />

Jarrod, disappointed,<br />

goes down the street<br />

to another butcher<br />

shop and asks, “How<br />

much is your ground<br />

sirloin?”<br />

The proprietor replies,<br />

“It’s $3.29 per pound.”<br />

The Chapman House<br />

Home for senior ladies<br />

Welcome to the Chapman House - A home filled<br />

with warmth, safety and love.<br />

The Chapman House has private rooms available<br />

for residents, aged 65 and older, who need<br />

assistance with bathing, medications, and meals.<br />

Call Bonnie to arrange a tour.<br />

“Three twenty nine per<br />

pound!?!” exclaimed<br />

Jarrod. “Just up the<br />

street they have it on<br />

special for 29 cents<br />

per pound!”<br />

The butcher smiles<br />

calmly at Jarrod and<br />

asks, “Does he have<br />

any?”<br />

“No, he’s out of it right<br />

now.”<br />

“Well,” says the butcher.<br />

“When I don’t have<br />

any, I can sell it for 19<br />

cents per pound!”<br />

41 Pleasant Street, Auburn | 207-783-0961<br />

Bonnie Iwans<br />

We invite you to read out loud only the vowels in the name Celine Dion.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 9


Amazing<br />

Grace<br />

Submitted by Stephanie Arsenault<br />

As a singer sometimes<br />

I am asked to sing at<br />

funerals and recently<br />

asked by a funeral director<br />

to sing at a graveside<br />

service for a homeless<br />

man. He had no family or<br />

friends, and the service<br />

was to be at a Pauper’s<br />

Cemetery near Lindale.<br />

As I was not familiar<br />

with the area, I got lost.<br />

Everyone that knows me<br />

knows I can be directionally<br />

challenged AND my<br />

navigation lost its signal.<br />

I finally arrived an hour<br />

late and saw that the<br />

funeral guy had evidently<br />

gone and the hearse was<br />

nowhere in sight. There<br />

were only the diggers and<br />

crew left and they were<br />

eating lunch. I felt bad<br />

and apologized to the<br />

guys for being late. I went<br />

to the side of the grave<br />

and looked down and the<br />

vault lid was already in<br />

place. I didn’t know what<br />

else to do, so I started<br />

to sing. The workers put<br />

down their lunch and<br />

began to gather around.<br />

I sang my heart and soul<br />

out for this man with no<br />

family and friends.<br />

As I sang “Amazing<br />

Grace,” and the workers<br />

began to weep. They<br />

wept, I wept, we all wept<br />

together. When I finished,<br />

I said a prayer and started<br />

for my car, my head<br />

hung low but my heart so<br />

FULL.<br />

As I opened the door to<br />

my car, I overheard one<br />

of the workers say, “I’ve<br />

never seen nothin’ like<br />

that before and I’ve been<br />

putting in septic tanks for<br />

twenty years.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

10 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

24 Hour<br />

Service<br />

Last night I had a dream I had an identical twin. When I woke up this<br />

morning I was beside myself.<br />

Check out our in-store weekly ad for our <strong>2024</strong> specials!<br />

Roy’s<br />

FOODLAND<br />

SATURDAY<br />

Beans, bread/rolls &<br />

cole slaw<br />

$11.99<br />

WEDNESDAY<br />

Ham, Veggie, Salami,<br />

or Pepperoni Italians<br />

$3.49<br />

RoySnow.com<br />

207.782.3734<br />

235 N. River Road, Auburn<br />

207-777-5600<br />

www.pro-techrefrigeration.com<br />

protechoffice11@yahoo.com<br />

PIZZA PACKS<br />

Pizza<br />

Packs<br />

$12.99<br />

Happy<br />

Mother’s Day!<br />

Now offering medical benefits!<br />

Fully Insured<br />

Proudly serving Auburn, Lewiston, and the surrounding communities!<br />

Best Chicken &<br />

Ham Salad<br />

IN THE WORLD!<br />

Try our hamburger,<br />

it’s the best!<br />

Beanie Babies<br />

on Sale Here!<br />

70 Broad Street, Auburn • 207-783-8471<br />

www.ShopAtRoysFoodland.com<br />

Mon.-Thurs. 8am-6pm • Fri. 8am-7pm • Sat. 8am-6pm • Sun. Closed<br />

Serving Maine since 1947<br />

11 Library Ave.<br />

Auburn<br />

PRO-TECH REFRIGERATION<br />

IS GROWING!<br />

We are seeking<br />

MOTIVATED<br />

SERVICE<br />

TECHNICIANS<br />

& INSTALLERS<br />

to join our team!<br />

Air Conditioning & Heating<br />

At my age, “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering<br />

what I came in for.


After all the eating I’ve done this winter, I’m happy to report my flip-flops still fit.<br />

THE CHAMPOUX GROUP<br />

CHAMPOUX • PEOPLES • PINKHAM • ROGERS<br />

I N S U R A N C E<br />

...Your Security is Our Concern!<br />

Locally Owned & Operated<br />

Lewiston Str ng<br />

HOME,<br />

AUTO,<br />

BUSINESS,<br />

AND MORE<br />

Out and About<br />

at the Maine<br />

Camping<br />

Trade Show<br />

Pat Penley<br />

Payroll Management<br />

150 East Ave. Lewiston 207-783-2246 | 888-983-2246<br />

Visit our new location at: 243 Mount Auburn Ave., Suite C, Auburn<br />

It’s impossible for a man to tie something down in the back of his truck and not say,<br />

“That’s not going anywhere!”<br />

Tyler Ladden<br />

Checkbox<br />

1940 - <strong>2024</strong><br />

• Restaurant<br />

• Mini Golf Course<br />

• Driving Range<br />

• Ice Cream Stand<br />

James Ganley<br />

Checkbox<br />

Treat MOM to a family FUN day<br />

this Mother’s Day!<br />

SPRING HOURS<br />

Miniature Golf &<br />

Driving Range<br />

Open Daily 10am-8pm<br />

(weather permitting)<br />

Restaurant & Ice Cream Stand<br />

Open Daily 11am-8pm<br />

470 Lake Shore Drive Auburn • tabersgolf.com<br />

The first rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush<br />

is never the microphone. Never.<br />

Tyler Rocheleau<br />

C2 Vehicles<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 11


Out and About<br />

at the<br />

American Legion<br />

Post 153<br />

Patriots Day<br />

Adrien “Sunny”<br />

& Sylvia Tardiff<br />

Dan Carroll<br />

Denis Dubois<br />

The best password to use is “incorrect” so that way when you type in the wrong one your<br />

computer will respond, “your password is incorrect.”<br />

FRANCO CENTER<br />

Performing Arts & Events<br />

CATERING<br />

Tickets<br />

on sale<br />

now!<br />

Third Monday of each Month<br />

Trivia at the Franco<br />

Monday, <strong>May</strong> 20 at 1 p.m.<br />

46 Cedar St., Lewiston<br />

207-689-2000<br />

www.francocenter.org<br />

Line Dancing<br />

includes instruction<br />

Wednesdays at 10 a.m.<br />

<strong>May</strong> 1, 8, 15, 22, 29 and June 5<br />

Mondays at 6:30 p.m.<br />

<strong>May</strong> 6, 13, 20, and June 3<br />

$5 per person<br />

No need to register!<br />

Walk-ins welcome!<br />

Open to all!<br />

Mark your calendars! Cost is $5 per person. Doors open at<br />

12:45 a.m. The questions will feature trivia about old<br />

movies and TV shows from the 1960s, ’70s, and ’80s.<br />

Parlez Vous? French Conversation<br />

Meet-ups in <strong>May</strong><br />

New! ESCAPE ROOM<br />

$10 per person<br />

Reserve your group’s ESCAPE ROOM adventure<br />

at this link: https://bookeo.com/francocenter<br />

You have the escape room for one hour.<br />

Staff will be available to help you along by<br />

providing clues if you ask.<br />

Thursdays at 10:30 a.m.<br />

<strong>May</strong> 9 and 23<br />

FREE and open to all! If you speak French, our<br />

conversation groups split into beginner and<br />

advanced. No need to pre-register. Drop in!<br />

Rent our building!<br />

Weddings & Other Events<br />

Call<br />

Two stages<br />

Versatile space<br />

207-333-3251 Full bar<br />

today Historic building<br />

46 Cedar Street<br />

Lewiston 04240<br />

Denise Montgomery<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

12 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift she would burn it.<br />

So I bought her a candle.<br />

WWW.FRANCOCENTER.ORG • 207-333-3251


I often wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember<br />

phone numbers is doing now.<br />

47 Broad Street, Auburn<br />

www.firehouseauburn.com<br />

207-376-4959<br />

Monday - Saturday 11a-9p<br />

BURGER MONDAY Get $2 off your burgers! (dine-in only) • WHISKEY WEDNESDAY $1 off whiskey<br />

Residential Friendly Dumpsters<br />

Rent a<br />

dumpster<br />

for Spring<br />

cleanup!<br />

Bin Sizes:<br />

6 yd. bin- 10’ long x 5.5’ wide - 3’ high<br />

10 yd. bin - 10’ long x 7’ wide - 4’ high<br />

14 yd. bin - 11’ long x 8 wide - 4.5’ high<br />

20 yd. bin - 11’ long x 8’ wide - 6’ high<br />

MAY Special!<br />

You’ll Love<br />

our Daily<br />

Specials!<br />

$ 8<br />

Mother’s Day is the Busiest<br />

Restaurant Day of the Year<br />

Hawaiian Mimosa<br />

Each year, reservations<br />

are snapped up by<br />

families wanting to<br />

secure a table for that<br />

special second Sunday<br />

in <strong>May</strong>. More than 1/3<br />

of American adults vye<br />

for a table to celebrate<br />

mom, making Mother’s<br />

Day the busiest restaurant<br />

day of the year!<br />

Dispatch<br />

Office: 207-224-0337<br />

Cell: 207-212-0736<br />

170 N. Daggett Hill Rd.<br />

Greene, ME 04236<br />

portlandme@bintheredumpthat.com<br />

Our Residential Friendly Design Includes<br />

Easy Load Double Rear Doors<br />

Driveway Protection Boards<br />

Dependable Friendly Service<br />

207-224-0337<br />

www.bintherdumpthatusa.com<br />

I just put $500 on a 10/1 horse with really good breeding. So good in fact, when he left<br />

the gate he turned around and closed it behind him.<br />

Test<br />

Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />

One night four college<br />

students were out partying<br />

late night and didn’t<br />

study for the test which<br />

was scheduled for the<br />

next day.<br />

In the morning, they<br />

thought of a plan.<br />

They made themselves<br />

look dirty with grease<br />

and dirt.<br />

Then they went to the<br />

Dean and said they had<br />

gone out to a wedding<br />

last night and on their<br />

way back the tire of their<br />

car burst and they had to<br />

push the car all the way<br />

back.<br />

So they were in no condition<br />

to take the test.<br />

The Dean thought for a<br />

minute and said they can<br />

have the re-test after 3<br />

days.<br />

They thanked him and<br />

said they will be ready by<br />

that time.<br />

On the third day, they<br />

appeared before the<br />

Dean.<br />

The Dean said that<br />

as this was a Special<br />

Condition Test, all four<br />

were required to sit in<br />

separate classrooms for<br />

the test.<br />

They all agreed as they<br />

had prepared well in the<br />

last 3 days.<br />

The Test consisted of<br />

only 2 questions with the<br />

total of 100 Points:<br />

1) Your Name?<br />

__________ (1 Points)<br />

2) Which tire burst?<br />

__________ (99 Points)<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 13


Bet<br />

Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />

George is met by his attorney,<br />

and is told he is going<br />

to be audited.<br />

George rides to the IRS<br />

office with his attorney, and<br />

when he gets there, he<br />

begins to talk with the IRS<br />

agent.<br />

“Bet $2,000 I can bite my<br />

own eye!”<br />

The IRS agent agrees<br />

to the bet, believing it an<br />

impossible task.<br />

George laughs, pulls out<br />

his glass eye, and bites it.<br />

The IRS agent is dumbfounded.<br />

George then bets $3,000<br />

he can bite his other eye.<br />

The IRS agent knows<br />

there’s no way possible to<br />

do this, so he once more<br />

agrees.<br />

George cackles, pulls out<br />

his dentures, and bites his<br />

eye.<br />

George finally wagers, “I<br />

bet $20,000 I can stand on<br />

the far side of your desk,<br />

pee over the desk, and get<br />

it into your wastebasket,<br />

without missing a single<br />

drop.”<br />

The agent knows he won’t<br />

be able to, so once more<br />

he agrees.<br />

George indeed misses,<br />

peeing all over the desk,<br />

and on the paperwork.<br />

The IRS agent jumps for<br />

joy, but then notices the<br />

attorney over in the corner<br />

moaning.<br />

“Are you all right?” asks the<br />

agent.<br />

“No! On the way over here,<br />

he bet me $400,000 he<br />

could pee on your desk and<br />

you’d be happy about it.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

14 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

Commercial, Residential<br />

excavation, & Site work<br />

Keyboa d fo sale pe fect wo king o de .<br />

We do Septics!<br />

Now scheduling for<br />

Summer & Fall <strong>2024</strong><br />

shawn@hirdcontracting.com 207.754.2343<br />

Muriel celebrated...<br />

her 90th birthday with us<br />

and can't wait for the next party!<br />

The Meadows<br />

“Maine’s Most Affordable Senior Living Center”<br />

A warm home-style assisted living center for self-sufficient seniors!<br />

We have availability starting at $1500 per month<br />

#433 RT. 202, P.O. BOX 629, GREENE • 946-3007<br />

ENJOY YOUR SPACE THIS SUMMER!<br />

We have everything you need to get the job done!<br />

Mulches & Soils, Yard Cleanup Tools, and much more!<br />

186 Sabattus Road, Sabattus, ME • (207) 375-6253<br />

2 Miles Off I-95 Exit 86 Family Owned & Operated<br />

Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your spouse when dinner will be ready<br />

while they’re mowing the lawn.


Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships? Their X is always a 10.<br />

Out and About<br />

at the<br />

American Legion<br />

Post 153<br />

Patriots Day<br />

Frank & Diana Pippin<br />

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s Spam.<br />

Jeremy Stone<br />

Bacon wrapped scallops<br />

Take Out<br />

Available!<br />

Happy Mother’s Day<br />

207-782-2135<br />

Auburn Mall<br />

Tues. - Wed., 11am - 7pm • Thurs. - Sat. 11am - 8pm • Sun. 11am - 5pm<br />

DAILY SPECIALS<br />

MONDAY - CLOSED<br />

Fried Pickle Basket<br />

Thatcher’s Burger<br />

25oz domestic drafts<br />

3 Beef Tacos<br />

Thatcher’s Burrito<br />

Well Margaritas • Coronas<br />

SATURDAY<br />

Stuffed Peppers<br />

Buffalo Chicken Salad<br />

Microbrews<br />

2 Hot Dogs w/fries<br />

Miller Lite Bottles<br />

SUNDAY<br />

TUESDAY<br />

WEDNESDAY<br />

THURSDAY<br />

FRIDAY<br />

Clam Cake Basket<br />

Fish & Chips<br />

12" Cheese Pizza<br />

Bloody Mary’s<br />

Domestic Light/Lite Drafts<br />

John “Dr. J” Conley<br />

Linda Tardiff<br />

I just saw two birds stuck together in a tree. I think they are velcrows.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 15


Out and About<br />

at the<br />

American Legion<br />

Post 153<br />

The potholes in my neighborhood are changing my radio and unlocking my doors.<br />

Patriots Day<br />

Marty Lurz<br />

Happy<br />

Mother’s<br />

Day<br />

Lori Simard<br />

Gift certificates available!<br />

207-539-5128 | Oxford, Maine | Open 7 days a week | essencewellnessspa.com<br />

Norm Shagnon<br />

Dreamers<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Derek commented to<br />

co-worker: “My wife<br />

had a funny dream last<br />

night. She dreamed<br />

she’d married a millionaire.”<br />

ALL<br />

STEAK<br />

HAMBURGERS<br />

& GOLF CENTER<br />

2514 TURNER RD. AUBURN<br />

OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK 11AM - 7PM<br />

Famous Burgers<br />

Hand-cut Fries<br />

Lobster Rolls<br />

Ice Cream<br />

& More!<br />

“You’re lucky,” sighed<br />

the co-worker. “My<br />

wife dreams that in the<br />

daytime.”<br />

Come play our newly renovated 18-hole mini golf course!<br />

BIRTHDAY PARTIES & CORPORATE EVENTS AVAILABLE<br />

RoysGolf.com<br />

MINI GOLF<br />

DRIVING RANGE<br />

BATTING CAGES<br />

DISC GOLF<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

16 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

My life is like a mystery novel with missing pages.


120 Hour Course<br />

Multiple Cohorts<br />

REGISTER TODAY!<br />

Sarcasm is my love language.<br />

www.cmcc.edu/workforce • 207-755-5280 • workforcedevelopment@cmcc.edu<br />

PROGRAM DETAILS<br />

This course covers the fundamental principles of<br />

installing, testing, and maintaining FTTx networks<br />

properly. Students will build and develop the skills<br />

required to become a fiber optic technician by<br />

covering the various methods of splicing, terminating,<br />

testing, and commissioning fiber optic cable. After<br />

successfully completing this course, students will have<br />

the skills necessary to become FBA Certified Fiber<br />

Optic Technicians. The annual salary for a Fiber Optic<br />

Technician ranges from $48,000 to $62,000/year.<br />

SCAN HERE<br />

TO REGISTER!<br />

or visit centralmaine.cc/workforceapply<br />

$800 Attendance<br />

Stipend Included<br />

PREREQUISITES<br />

• At least 18 years of age<br />

• High School Diploma, GED, or HiSET<br />

• U.S. Citizenship and Work Authorization<br />

• Maine Resident<br />

www.cmcc.edu/workforce • workforcedevelopment@cmcc.edu<br />

Central Maine Community College does not discriminate and is an equal opportunity/affirmative action<br />

employer. For more information, please call 207-755-5396 or email humanresources@cmcc.edu.<br />

Windy<br />

Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />

Pete set out on a very<br />

windy day to see his<br />

friend Sam who was sick<br />

in bed. Hours later, he<br />

pulled his weary body<br />

into Sam’s house.<br />

Sam asked,"How’s the<br />

weather.”<br />

“I’ll tell ya, it was just<br />

brutal. For every step I<br />

took forwards, I fell back<br />

two steps.”<br />

“Then how ever did you<br />

make it over here?” Sam<br />

asked.<br />

“Well, finally I gave up,<br />

and I turned around and<br />

headed for home,” Pete<br />

answered.<br />

I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.<br />

THE AMERICAN LEGION<br />

FAMILY<br />

RED SHIRT FRIDAYS: Wear your red shirt on Fridays<br />

and get a surprise!<br />

“SEE YOU AT THE POST!”<br />

Members & Guests Welcome!<br />

AMERICAN LEGION ACT<br />

Veterans who were honorably discharged<br />

but whose service did not fall into previously<br />

defined war eras may now join<br />

the American Legion immediately. The<br />

eligibility now spans from Dec. 7, 1941,<br />

until a time when the U.S. is no longer at<br />

war, as determined by Congress.<br />

RED SHIRT FRIDAYS: Wear your red shirt on<br />

Fridays and get a surprise! “SEE YOU AT THE POST!”<br />

For Veteran or Community services, call<br />

207-782-1118 or 207-873-3229<br />

Hall Rentals Available<br />

Call for more<br />

information<br />

207-782-1118<br />

71 South Main St, Auburn • 207-782-1118<br />

HOURS: Monday - Wednesday: 12pm-8pm • Thursday 12pm-9pm<br />

Friday: 12pm-11pm • Saturday: 12pm-9pm • Sunday: 11am-6pm<br />

MUSIC, KARAOKE & DANCE w/ JEAN LOUIS<br />

FRIDAYS 7-11pm in <strong>May</strong><br />

Jerry Joe - <strong>May</strong> 3rd, 17th & 31st • 4:30 - 6:30pm<br />

UNCLE ANDY’S HAPPY HOUR - FRIDAY, MAY 3RD 4-6PM<br />

MAY 5TH CINCO DE MAYO<br />

Live music with Loose Screws<br />

7-11pm - Come in for the fun!<br />

MEMORIAL DAY, MONDAY, MAY 27TH<br />

Placement of flags at temple shalom synagogue.<br />

Pine Street, cemetaries. Volunteers needed to pack flags on Friday, <strong>May</strong> 24th<br />

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY - MONDAY, MAY 12TH<br />

STARTING JUNE <strong>2024</strong><br />

Membership dues will increase to $52 for <strong>2024</strong>-2025 - Due to national increase.<br />

NO SONS MEETING UNTIL SEPTEMBER<br />

MONTHLY MEETING WEDNESDAY, MAY 15 TH , <strong>2024</strong><br />

EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE 6:30PM GENERAL MEMBERSHIP 7PM<br />

Legion Members attending have a chance to win $100, $50, or $25<br />

Pearly Gates<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

Saint Peter was manning<br />

the Pearly Gates when<br />

forty people from New<br />

York City showed up.<br />

Never having seen anyone<br />

from the Big Apple<br />

at Heaven’s door, Saint<br />

Peter said he would have<br />

to check with God. After<br />

hearing the news, God<br />

instructed him to admit<br />

the ten most virtuous<br />

from the group.<br />

A few minutes later, Saint<br />

Peter returned to God<br />

breathless and said,<br />

“They’re gone!”<br />

“What? All of the New<br />

Yorkers are gone?”<br />

asked God.<br />

“No!” replied Saint Peter,<br />

“The Pearly Gates!”<br />

The best part about life is how it’s so predictable. Said no one ever.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 17


Rabbit<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

I decided to leave work<br />

early. I get home only to<br />

see my dog is up to no<br />

good. My shepherd is laying<br />

on the back patio covered<br />

in dirt with a rabbit<br />

in her mouth. The rabbit's<br />

not bloody, just dirty.<br />

Now, my neighbor's kids<br />

raise these Blue Ribbon<br />

WINNER Rabbits.<br />

I instantly knew it was<br />

one of their rabbits. So I<br />

took the rabbit away from<br />

my dog, I rushed inside,<br />

washed all the dirt off<br />

it before my neighbors<br />

could come home.<br />

It was stiff but I heard<br />

some ANIMALS play<br />

dead when they are<br />

AFRAID, I couldn't<br />

remember which animals<br />

because I was<br />

NERVOUS. I took it and<br />

placed it back in one of<br />

the cages that sits on my<br />

neighbors back deck,<br />

then I ran back home.<br />

Not 30 minutes later<br />

I hear my neighbors<br />

screaming. So I go out<br />

and ask them what's<br />

wrong? They tell me their<br />

rabbit died three days<br />

ago and they buried it but<br />

now it's back in the cage.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

18 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

BENEFITING<br />

Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!<br />

$<br />

6 PINTS<br />

LA’s One & Only True Hibachi Experience!<br />

40 East Avenue, Lewiston | www.sea40me.com | 207-795-6888<br />

TRY ONE<br />

TODAY!<br />

BENEFITING<br />

Wednesdays in <strong>May</strong>:<br />

Live music at 7PM<br />

NEW<br />

301 River Rd Buxton, Maine 04093<br />

2 Live Bands - Northeast Gumbo & Hello Newman<br />

BENEFITING<br />

Join Us for Wish<br />

BENEFITING<br />

Hour<br />

Hosted by Samantha York from News Center Maine<br />

Join Us for Wish Hour<br />

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.<br />

LIVE MUSIC<br />

EVERY WEDNESDAY<br />

7-9pm In Our Lounge<br />

5/1 - Acoustic SunShine<br />

5/8 - Steven Moore<br />

5/15 - Jay Larkin<br />

5/22 - TJ Swan<br />

5/29 - The Legends<br />

Enter to win a Red Sox<br />

tailgating couch!<br />

OUT AND ABOUT AT MELISSA'S PUB<br />

Enter to win<br />

a Red Sox<br />

tailgating<br />

couch!<br />

This is the magical part of the day. It’s about making a<br />

2 Live Bands 301 River - Northeast Rd Buxton, Gumbo Maine 04093 & Hello Newman<br />

difference. Bringing a ray of hope into the lives of<br />

2 Live Bands - Northeast Gumbo & Hello Newman<br />

children battling critical illnesses.<br />

Join Us for Wish Hour<br />

Join Us for Wish Hour<br />

FUN & Games - Treehouse Tours - Slugger The Sea Dog<br />

For More information and Tickets<br />

www.WishesintheMeadow.org<br />

www.Facebook.com/sacorivermeadows<br />

301 River Rd Buxton, Maine 04093<br />

2 Live Bands - Northeast Gumbo & Hello Newman<br />

301 River Rd Buxton, Maine 04093<br />

Hosted by Samantha York from News Center Maine<br />

This Hosted is the by magical Samantha part York of from the News day. It’s Center about Maine making a<br />

This difference. is the magical Bringing part of a ray the of day. hope It’s into about the making lives of a<br />

difference. children Bringing battling critical a ray of illnesses. hope into the lives of<br />

children battling critical illnesses.<br />

FUN & Games - Treehouse Tours - Slugger The Sea Dog<br />

FUN & Games - Treehouse Tours - Slugger The Sea Dog<br />

For More information and Tickets<br />

For More information and Tickets<br />

www.WishesintheMeadow.org<br />

www.WishesintheMeadow.org<br />

www.Facebook.com/sacorivermeadows<br />

Come enjoy the music and contribute to the noble cause of Make-A-Wish www.Facebook.com/sacorivermeadows<br />

® Maine!<br />

Hosted by Samantha York from News Center Maine<br />

This is the magical part of the day. It’s about making a<br />

difference. Bringing a ray of hope into the lives of<br />

children battling critical illnesses.<br />

FUN & Games - Treehouse Tours - Slugger The Sea Dog<br />

Melissa Goucher and her staff<br />

Come enjoy the music and contribute to the noble cause of Make-A-Wish ® Maine!<br />

Come enjoy the music and contribute to the noble cause of Make-A-Wish ® Maine!<br />

BENEFITING


You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes,<br />

and you’re barefoot.<br />

KLJ Excavation<br />

& Construction<br />

Out and About<br />

at the<br />

American Legion<br />

Post 153<br />

Patriots Day<br />

Tibby Dupuis<br />

Kirk Waterman Logging<br />

• Fully insured<br />

• Full Site work :<br />

from clearing<br />

to completion<br />

Kirkwaterman@ymail.com | 207-890-8713<br />

110 Proctor Heights Dr. Waterford ME 04088<br />

Richie Brown<br />

Ready<br />

Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />

A man and his wife were<br />

cleaning out their attic<br />

when the man found a<br />

shoe repair stub in the<br />

pocket of an old jacket.<br />

“Hey – check this out,” he<br />

said to his wife, “this stub<br />

is 20 years old. I wonder<br />

if the shop still has the<br />

shoes.”<br />

So the next day the man<br />

went to the shoe shop<br />

and asked the owner if he<br />

still had the shoes.<br />

The owner disappeared<br />

into the back of the shop<br />

for about five minutes.<br />

When he returned, he<br />

replied happily, “Yup, believe<br />

it or not, we’ve still<br />

got the shoes. They’ll be<br />

ready next Thursday.”<br />

My finest hour lasted about a minute and a half.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 19


Google<br />

Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />

I’m not much for seizing the day, I just kind of poke it with a stick.<br />

Hello! Is this Gordon’s<br />

Pizza? asks Karla.<br />

No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza,<br />

we bought it from Gordon,”<br />

answers Google.<br />

“OK, take my order<br />

please,” responds Karla.<br />

“Well ma’am, you want<br />

the usual?” asks Google.<br />

“The usual? You know<br />

me?" Karla answers.<br />

“According to our caller<br />

ID, the last 12 times, you<br />

ordered pizza with cheeses,<br />

sausage, and thick<br />

crust,” replies Google.<br />

“Yes! That’s it! Karla says.<br />

“<strong>May</strong> I suggest to you this<br />

time ricotta, arugula with<br />

dry tomato? asks Google.<br />

“No, I hate vegetables,”<br />

Karla responds.<br />

“But your cholesterol is<br />

not good,” Google says.<br />

“How do you know?"<br />

Karla asks.<br />

“Through the subscribers<br />

guide. We have the result<br />

of your blood tests for<br />

the last 7 years,” Goggle<br />

responds.<br />

“Okay, but I do not want<br />

this pizza, I take medicine,”<br />

Karla touts.<br />

“You have not taken<br />

the medicine regularly,<br />

4 months ago you only<br />

purchased a box with 30<br />

tablets at Walgreens,”<br />

Google answers.<br />

“I bought more from<br />

another drugstore,” Karla<br />

argues.<br />

“It’s not showing on your<br />

credit card,” Googles<br />

retorts.<br />

cont’d on next page<br />

61 Portland Rd. Gray, Maine<br />

207-657-7973<br />

Live Music<br />

Every Sunday<br />

Our Famous<br />

Sunday Blues Jam 1-5pm<br />

Bringing the Ocean to your Table<br />

Party<br />

Platters<br />

Available<br />

(orders only)<br />

Take out • Dine in<br />

Homemade Goods<br />

Gift Certificates Available<br />

The freshest seafood around!<br />

Gray, ME<br />

Hours: Mon. 11a-5p • Tues.-Thurs. 11a-6p • Fri.-Sat. 10a-7p • Sun. 10a-5p<br />

TWO Pool Tables,<br />

Buck Hunter<br />

& Golden Tee Golf<br />

Friday & Saturday Night Entertainment Check Our Schedule<br />

Open<br />

7 Days<br />

a Week<br />

Hours: Mon-Fri: 3pm-Close | Sat: 1pm-1am or close | Sun: 1-5pm • TailgateBarAndGrill.biz<br />

WISHING OUR UAD MOMS A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY<br />

Stephanie Arsenault with mom Judy Skinner<br />

Stephanie Asselin with mom Violet Ball & sister Sarah Lin<br />

WE HAVE<br />

LIVE LOBSTERS!<br />

Indulge in our<br />

seafood delights!<br />

We make<br />

“Take & Bake Meals”<br />

We prepare it you<br />

take it and bake it!<br />

207-657-3474<br />

59c Portland Road, Gray<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

20 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.


A friend and I played Hide-and-Seek, it went on for hours, but good<br />

friends are hard to find.<br />

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you still at the restaurant?<br />

WELCOME TO THE LA METRO CHAMBER<br />

NEW MEMBERS!<br />

Key Bank<br />

key.com<br />

GREENHOUSE & GARDEN CENTER<br />

Open: Saturday-Wednesday 8a-4p, Thursday-Friday 8a-6p<br />

896 Lawrence Rd. No. Pownal • 207-688-4462<br />

www.GardenSpotFarm.com<br />

10<br />

greenhouses<br />

filled with annuals,<br />

perennials herb &<br />

vegetable plants,<br />

& hanging baskets<br />

Open house<br />

Mother’s Day Weekend<br />

<strong>May</strong> 11th & 12th<br />

For<br />

Giveaways<br />

& Prizes!<br />

Check out our store filled with gardening tools,<br />

pots, and so much more!<br />

Large selection of bagged product including<br />

mulches, soils, potting soils, fertilizers<br />

(Coast of Maine included)<br />

Anchour<br />

anchour.com<br />

Tree & Shrubs (<strong>May</strong>)<br />

Asparagus &<br />

Strawberry Roots<br />

Seed Potato • Seeds<br />

Dark bark<br />

Mulch<br />

Loam<br />

Organic compost<br />

50/50 Compost/Loam<br />

Call ahead for bulk<br />

deliveries<br />

fruit trees,<br />

& plants<br />

Gift Cards Available!<br />

cont’d from previous page<br />

“I paid in cash,” Karla<br />

lies.<br />

“But you did not withdraw<br />

that much cash according<br />

to your bank statement,”<br />

Goggle adds.<br />

“WHAT THE HECK?<br />

Enough! I’m sick of Google,<br />

Facebook, Instgram,<br />

WhatsApp... I’m going to<br />

an Island without internet,<br />

where there is no cell service<br />

and no one to spy on<br />

me,” Karla states.<br />

“I understand ma’am but<br />

you need to renew your<br />

passport as it has expired<br />

5 weeks ago.”<br />

Family Visit<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

Wife arrives home late<br />

at night from a business<br />

trip and quietly opens<br />

the door to her bedroom.<br />

But she notices four legs<br />

instead of two peeking<br />

from under the blanket!<br />

Seized by a fit of rage,<br />

she filled a bucket of<br />

water and started pouring<br />

it over the blanket.<br />

Still in shock, she lurches<br />

to the kitchen to have a<br />

drink. As she enters, she<br />

sees her husband there,<br />

reading a magazine. “Oh<br />

welcome home darling,”<br />

he says, “my parents<br />

came for a visit, so I let<br />

them have our bedroom.<br />

I hope you said hello."<br />

Working Fields<br />

workingfields.com<br />

Maine Community Foundation<br />

mainecf.org<br />

415 LISBON STREET, LEWISTON • LAMETROCHAMBER.COM<br />

I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because<br />

I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 21


Free Drinks<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

A man walks into a bar<br />

and has a couple of beers.<br />

Once he is done, the bartender<br />

tells him he owes<br />

$9.00. “But I paid, don’t<br />

you remember?” says the<br />

customer. “Okay,” says<br />

the bartender, “If you said<br />

you paid, you did.”<br />

The man then goes<br />

outside and tells the first<br />

person he sees that the<br />

bartender can’t keep<br />

track of whether his customers<br />

have paid.<br />

The second man then<br />

rushes in, orders a beer<br />

and later pulls the same<br />

stunt.<br />

The barkeep replies, “If<br />

you say you paid, I’ll take<br />

your word for it.”<br />

Soon the customer goes<br />

into the street, sees an<br />

old friend, and tells him<br />

how to get free drinks.<br />

The man hurries into<br />

the bar and begins to<br />

drink high-balls when,<br />

suddenly, the bartender<br />

leans over and says,<br />

“You know, a funny thing<br />

happened in here tonight.<br />

Two men were drinking<br />

beer, neither paid and<br />

both claimed that they<br />

did. The next guy who<br />

tries that is going to get<br />

punched right in the<br />

nose.”<br />

“Don’t bother me with<br />

your troubles,” the final<br />

patron responds. “Just<br />

give me my change and<br />

I’ll be on my way.”<br />

Golf is harder than baseball because you still have to play your foul balls.<br />

Introducing Jake Van Paepeghem<br />

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YOUR MUSIC NEEDS!<br />

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We are<br />

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33 Dunn Street, Auburn | 207-376-3376 | www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com<br />

OUT & About at The American Legion post 153<br />

American Legion, Auxiliary, & Sons<br />

Make your mothers day reservations today<br />

Spring into the Village Inn for your favorite seafood<br />

dish or a mouth watering prime rib!<br />

Lobster & Prime rib<br />

Happy<br />

Mother’s Day!<br />

<strong>May</strong> 12th<br />

The Village Inn<br />

A professional performer for two<br />

decades, Jake Van Paepeghem<br />

studied jazz and classical guitar<br />

at Edmonds Community College<br />

and Boise State University respectively,<br />

before<br />

touring North America playing<br />

for This Providence (Fueled By<br />

Ramen Records), Kris Allen<br />

(American Idol), as well as with<br />

his own<br />

projects. As a guitar and bass<br />

instructor, Jake specializes in<br />

beginning guitar curriculum all<br />

the way up to advanced chord<br />

knowledge, walking basslines,<br />

soloing techniques, improvisation,<br />

accompaniment techniques,<br />

ensemble concepts, rhythm guitar<br />

for all styles, and more.<br />

207-782-7796 | 165 High Street, Auburn | villageinnmaine.com | Open Wednesday - Sunday<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

22 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

I'd tell you an enchilada joke, but it's probably too cheesy.


Try one<br />

of our<br />

fabulous<br />

salads!<br />

COMING SOON:<br />

Dining on<br />

the deck.<br />

View nature’s<br />

beauty on<br />

the river!<br />

I love bad Cinco de <strong>May</strong>o puns. That's just how eye roll.<br />

Scan to<br />

check out<br />

our menu<br />

85 Center Street, Auburn | 207-784-8221 | 11a-9p daily<br />

Horse<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

Tim decided to go<br />

horseback riding. After<br />

mounting the horse and<br />

realizing how high up he<br />

was, he started having<br />

second thoughts. He<br />

clung to the horse’s neck<br />

and started crying, I<br />

mean wailing.<br />

For 2 hours he stayed<br />

like that until an old lady<br />

went into the store and<br />

got a security guard to<br />

come out and unplug it.<br />

Eligible for Medicare?<br />

CALL US TODAY<br />

to see which Medicare health plan best fits your needs.<br />

30+<br />

Years of<br />

Experience!<br />

Poland Spring Golf Course<br />

& Mel’s Hilltop Restaurant<br />

Designed by Donald Ross, the golf course is an<br />

18-hole, par 71, championship layout. Enjoy velvet<br />

bent grass greens, well maintained fairways, and<br />

tees for all abilities. We also have a driving range,<br />

practice putting green, and golf school.<br />

Come enjoy the scenery and the great food at<br />

Mel’s Hilltop Restaurant before or after your<br />

round, or just to have fun!<br />

Call the Pro Shop at (207) 998-6002 for tee<br />

times and more information.<br />

www.PolandSpringResort.com<br />

Visit us at 184 Webster Street, Lewiston<br />

Wallpaper<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

Tom asks his neighbor<br />

in an apartment building,<br />

“Mr. Ouellette, you live<br />

directly above me and<br />

you have the same<br />

2-room apartment as I<br />

do. How many rolls of<br />

wallpaper did you buy<br />

when you moved in?<br />

“We got 18 rolls,”<br />

answers Mr. Ouellette.<br />

Two months later Tom<br />

meets up with Mr. Ouellette<br />

and says, “It’s really<br />

funny – I put the wallpaper<br />

on everywhere and I<br />

still had 10 rolls left over.”<br />

Mr. Ouellette smiles and<br />

says, “Yeah, so did we.”<br />

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 23


Search Team<br />

Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />

John called his<br />

employee’s home phone<br />

number when he didn’t<br />

show up to the office that<br />

morning. He was greeted<br />

with a child’s whispered,<br />

“Hello?”<br />

Feeling put out at the<br />

inconvenience of having<br />

to talk to the youngster,<br />

John asked, “Is your Daddy<br />

home?”<br />

“Yes,” whispered the<br />

small voice.<br />

“<strong>May</strong> I talk with him?”<br />

John asked.<br />

To John’s surprise, the<br />

small voice whispered,<br />

“No.”<br />

Wanting to talk with an<br />

adult, Johns asked, “Is<br />

your Mommy there?”<br />

“Yes,” came the answer.<br />

“<strong>May</strong> I talk with her?”<br />

John responded<br />

Again the small voice<br />

whispered, “No.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

Knowing that it was not<br />

likely that a young child<br />

<strong>May</strong> 2023<br />

would be left home alone,<br />

John decided he would<br />

just leave a message with<br />

the person who should<br />

be there watching over<br />

the child.<br />

AD PROOF<br />

Hi Ken & Sadie,<br />

“Is there anyone there<br />

besides you?” John<br />

asked the child.<br />

Please review your<br />

proof carefully. It will<br />

run “Yes,” as you whispered see it the if<br />

changes child, “A policeman.” are not<br />

received by<br />

Wondering what a cop<br />

would be doing at his<br />

employee’s home, John<br />

asked, “<strong>May</strong> I speak with<br />

the policeman?”<br />

April 24th<br />

Thank you!<br />

“No, he’s busy,”<br />

whispered the child.<br />

Contact Steve<br />

office 207-783-7039<br />

design@<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />

cont’d on next page<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

24 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

At my age I’m no longer a snack; I’m a Happy Meal. I come with toys and kids.<br />

JOIN A TEAM THAT VALUES ITS MEMBERS!<br />

Scan here to<br />

Apply Today!<br />

www.debloiselectric.com<br />

Immediate openings for<br />

experienced licensed electricians<br />

Golf is an easy game. It’s just hard to play.<br />

Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!<br />

NOW AVAILABLE - ONLINE ORDERING<br />

Happy<br />

Mother’s Day!<br />

to our favorite mom<br />

& all the moms<br />

out there!<br />

UAD <strong>May</strong> 2023<br />

Breakfast all day as well<br />

as delicious lunch items!<br />

Try one of our<br />

fabulous omelettes!<br />

87 Mill Street, New Auburn<br />

207-753-0171<br />

rollysnewauburn.com<br />

Monday-Saturday: 6a-2p • Closed Sunday<br />

I only eat seafood on Cinco de <strong>May</strong>o. When I see food, I eat it.


My kids asked me what it was like to be a mom. So, I woke them up at 3 a.m. demanding<br />

to know where my lucky sock was.<br />

MAKE MAKE YOUR MOTHER’S DAY<br />

RESERVATIONS<br />

Open 11a-9:30p<br />

207.786.0715<br />

120 Center Street Auburn<br />

Sunday – Wednesday 11am to 10pm<br />

Thursday – Saturday 11am to 11pm<br />

Check out our website!<br />

www.gippers.com<br />

WISHING OUR UAD MOMS A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY<br />

cont’d from previous page<br />

“Busy doing what?”<br />

asked John.<br />

“Talking to Daddy and<br />

Mommy and the Fireman,”<br />

came the whispered<br />

answer.<br />

Growing concerned<br />

and even worried as he<br />

heard what sounded like<br />

a helicopter through the<br />

ear piece on the phone,<br />

John asked, “What is that<br />

noise?”<br />

“A hello-copper,” answered<br />

the whispering<br />

voice.<br />

“What is going on there?”<br />

asked John, now alarmed.<br />

In an awed whispering<br />

voice, the child answered,<br />

“The search<br />

team just landed the<br />

hello-copper.”<br />

Alarmed, concerned,<br />

and more than just a little<br />

frustrated, John asked,<br />

“What are they searching<br />

for?”<br />

Still whispering, the<br />

young voice replied along<br />

with a muffled giggle,<br />

“Me.”<br />

Coverage for<br />

Every Day<br />

Thomas Hill with mom Dorothea Rodgers, and family<br />

Copyright ©<strong>2024</strong> NFP. All Rights Reserved.<br />

Discover insurance solutions from local industry experts<br />

dedicated to protecting your assets. From risk consulting<br />

to claims support, we help you protect what matters most.<br />

John Blanchette, Sales Advisor | 207.784.9358<br />

john.blanchette@nfp.com<br />

For your business.<br />

For your people.<br />

For your life.<br />

NFP.com<br />

681 Sabattus St., Lewiston, ME 04240<br />

Lucky #5<br />

Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />

A 55-year old man who<br />

was born on <strong>May</strong> 5th,<br />

has been married for five<br />

years, has five children,<br />

makes $55,555.55 each<br />

year, and counts five as<br />

his lucky number,<br />

receives a phone call<br />

from a friend who tells<br />

him a horse named Lucky<br />

5 will be running in the<br />

fifth race at the local track<br />

that evening.<br />

Excitedly, the man withdraws<br />

5,555.55 cash from<br />

his bank account, goes<br />

to the races and bets on<br />

Lucky 5.<br />

Sure enough, the horse<br />

came in fifth.<br />

Golf announcers whisper because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 25


Come see us for all your firearm and supplies needs<br />

Fine Line Gun Shop<br />

• GUNS • AMMO • ACCESSORIES<br />

CALL THE PROS<br />

CHECK OUT<br />

our Facebook page<br />

for rotating items<br />

& inventory<br />

Mon., Wed., Fri. 11a-7p • Thu. 9a-7p • Sat. 12p-5p<br />

WARMER<br />

WEATHER<br />

IS COMING!<br />

Is your vehicle<br />

cooling system<br />

ready?<br />

(207) 998-2374<br />

590 Plains Rd., Poland<br />

finelinegun@aol.com<br />

Put some Spring back<br />

in your step with a massage<br />

(207) 402-8654|229229 Center Street, Auburn<br />

www.lamassagemaine.com<br />

Lincoln Street<br />

RADIATOR SHOP<br />

Family owned & operated since 1967<br />

Our pros can<br />

make sure<br />

you’re<br />

prepared!<br />

207-784-93561522<br />

| Lisbon Street, Lewiston<br />

Poisson & Sons Auto Care<br />

260 S. Main Street, Auburn 207.782.9144<br />

FULL SERVICE GAS STATION<br />

Welcome Back Don!<br />

Specializing in<br />

Heat Pumps/AC,<br />

Oil & Gas Furnace<br />

Don’t Get<br />

Caught In<br />

The Cold<br />

Get A Free Quote!<br />

MAY <strong>2024</strong><br />

STICKERS ARE DUE!<br />

Spring Vehicle Safety Tips:<br />

• Inspect your cooling system • Check your tires &<br />

wipers • Turn on your A/C.<br />

• Check your battery • Top off your fluids.<br />

NOW HIRING<br />

Ryan Queen • hvacsolutions207@gmail.com<br />

Stephanie<br />

Asselin<br />

Marketing Specialist<br />

207.458.8574<br />

stephanie@LydiaMediaLLC.com<br />

Office & Light Industrial Cleaning Services<br />

Mike Magretto 207-530-8890<br />

Veteran Owned & Operated<br />

EmeraldJanitorialServices.com<br />

Proud Publisher of<br />

TWO local magazines!<br />

2 Great Falls Plaza Suite 1B, Auburn<br />

207.783.7039 | LAMetroMagazine.com | <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

26 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

I shot one under at golf today. One under a tree, one under a bush,<br />

and one under the water.


CALL THE PROS<br />

We're not just about<br />

finding candidates;<br />

we're about finding the<br />

right fit for your team!<br />

Follow us on<br />

Professional<br />

Cleaning Service<br />

Residential<br />

Commercial<br />

Windows<br />

Floors<br />

207-712-2765 realcleanllc.com Serving Maine<br />

Coach Terry’s<br />

REDEMPTION<br />

CENTER<br />

The friendly redemption center<br />

Closed memorial day<br />

5/27/ 24<br />

Call Us Today!<br />

207-576-9665<br />

recruitingredefined.net | bobbie@recruitingredefined.net<br />

Celebrating<br />

7th Year<br />

Anniversary<br />

Saturday <strong>May</strong> 11,<br />

8am-3pm<br />

FREE food truck<br />

with bottle return!<br />

Food Truck, Games for<br />

kids, door prizes, gift<br />

cards & more!<br />

225-2008 | Tidswell Road, Turner | Open daily 8am-4pm<br />

EVERGREEN<br />

CUSTOM PRINTING, INC.<br />

Add 4 Months to Your<br />

Watersports Season<br />

with a Wetsuit!<br />

FULL COLOR<br />

DIGITAL<br />

PRINTING<br />

Posters • Booklets<br />

Carbonless forms • Envelopes<br />

Business Cards & More!<br />

2 Great Falls Plaza, Suite 1B, Auburn<br />

Info@evergreencustomprinting.com 782-0525<br />

We can help you stay warmer longer!<br />

• Swimming • Snorkeling • Scuba • Water-ski<br />

805 Main Street, Lewiston 784-7300<br />

RON’S<br />

TRANSMISSION REPAIR SERVICE<br />

YOUR FULL SERVICE<br />

REPAIR FACILITY<br />

It ’s Spring!<br />

Does your vehicle need service?<br />

Tires & State Inspections Available!<br />

515 Gardiner Rd, Wales<br />

375-4924<br />

We specialize in domestic<br />

car & truck, automatic<br />

& manual transmissions,<br />

transfer cases & differentials.<br />

Ron Charpentier, Jr.,<br />

Owner<br />

Accounting<br />

& Tax<br />

Service You<br />

Can Trust!<br />

MICHAEL G. SPAULDING, P.A.<br />

Certified Public Accountant<br />

Tax Planning & Preparation<br />

for Individuals and Business<br />

P.O. Box 895 | 207.782.1040<br />

2 Great Falls Plaza, Suite 1B | Auburn, ME 04212<br />

Mom: “I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 27


Kennebec<br />

Equipment<br />

Rental partners<br />

with City<br />

of Auburn and<br />

Norway Savings<br />

Bank Arena<br />

Auburn, Maine, April<br />

10, <strong>2024</strong>—The City of<br />

Auburn and the Norway<br />

Savings Bank Arena<br />

are proud to announce<br />

a new partnership with<br />

Kennebec Equipment<br />

Rental, a Maine-based<br />

company. Kennebec<br />

Equipment Rental is the<br />

new Zamboni partner,<br />

and its eye-catching wrap<br />

showcases its identity<br />

and brand.<br />

Dan Morris, General<br />

Manager, of Kennebec<br />

Equipment Rental<br />

shares, “When approached<br />

with the opportunity<br />

to partner with both<br />

the City of Auburn and<br />

the Norway Savings Bank<br />

Arena for such a cool<br />

idea, it was a no-brainer.<br />

We have had our Auburn<br />

branch since 1973, and<br />

since then, we have<br />

been supplying local<br />

contractors, businesses,<br />

and homeowners with<br />

quality rental equipment,<br />

sales, and service. With<br />

celebrating our 60th year<br />

in business this year,<br />

we thought this was a<br />

great way to do so. I am<br />

excited to see the new<br />

Zamboni out on the ice<br />

with our branding, as well<br />

as at local events”.<br />

“We are honored and<br />

excited to form a partnership<br />

with a Mainebased<br />

company who has<br />

served our community<br />

for decades,” said Marc<br />

Gosselin,<br />

cont’d on next page<br />

My mom had trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.<br />

& Maintenance<br />

Helping keep your<br />

home healthy<br />

Now offering<br />

dryer vent<br />

cleaning<br />

& Air duct<br />

cleanings<br />

Help us and support<br />

our local businesses!<br />

10% OFF<br />

CLEANINGS<br />

CALL NOW!<br />

207-619-0868<br />

Kennebec Equipment Rental partners with<br />

City of Auburn and Norway Savings Bank Arena<br />

OPENING<br />

MAY 3RD<br />

check out our<br />

Facebook<br />

for events!<br />

207-786-2695 | 24 Mollison Way, Lewiston | justintimebowl.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

28 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

When does a computer function best? When it listens to its motherboard.


Call us<br />

for a free<br />

estimate!<br />

BUSINESS<br />

SP TLIGHT<br />

Cleanings for:<br />

Property Management<br />

Commercial/ Office<br />

Post Construction<br />

Rental Turn Over<br />

207-713-1550<br />

Let us SCOOP the poop!<br />

Scoop 4Paws<br />

Professional Pooper Scoopers<br />

Call 207-713-1550 or<br />

message us on Facebook<br />

207-782-7141<br />

207-782-7141<br />

Mother’s Day & Pizza<br />

LOVE BOTH!<br />

LA’s Newest Real<br />

Estate Brokerage<br />

Richard Moylan<br />

(207) 777-0050<br />

791 Kittyhawk Ave. Unit 5, Auburn<br />

richardmoylan@allstate.com<br />

Insurance and coverages subject to terms.<br />

qualifications and availability. Allstate Property<br />

and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Fire<br />

and Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook,<br />

Illinois © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company<br />

The proud<br />

publisher for both<br />

local magazines!<br />

UNCLEANDYS.COM | LAMETROMAGAZINE.COM<br />

2 GREAT FALLS PLAZA, SUITE 1B, AUBURN | 207.783.7039<br />

T H E<br />

M A<br />

I N E<br />

E X P E R<br />

R E A L<br />

E S TAT E<br />

I E N C E<br />

Matt<br />

Mocciola<br />

207.346.4900<br />

Jason<br />

Becvar<br />

207.713.1617<br />

themainerealestateexperience.com<br />

cont’d from previous page<br />

Executive Director of<br />

Community Partnerships<br />

& Sport Tourism. “Community<br />

partnerships, like<br />

this new relationship<br />

with Kennebec Equipment<br />

Rental, go a long<br />

way to support all of<br />

efforts at the Norway<br />

Savings Bank Arena<br />

and our local hockey<br />

community”.<br />

Joe Cormier, Operations<br />

Manager of Kennebec<br />

Equipment Rental,<br />

shares, “We are excited<br />

to continue to be part of<br />

a great community and<br />

the great people at the<br />

Norway Savings Bank<br />

Arena. We take pride in<br />

all six of our locations,<br />

and all have great community<br />

ties”. Joe goes<br />

on to say, “Dan Morris<br />

and I have both grown<br />

up in the Auburn/Lewiston<br />

area and are now<br />

raising families here as<br />

well. We are excited to<br />

give back.”<br />

The Norway Savings<br />

Bank Arena is home to<br />

the second largest youth<br />

hockey program in the<br />

state, six (6) local high<br />

schools, Tier 2 and 3 junior<br />

hockey, recreational<br />

leagues, and special<br />

hockey events, including<br />

Maine Mariners exhibition<br />

games.<br />

As the Norway Savings<br />

Bank Arena celebrates<br />

its 10-year anniversary,<br />

be sure to visit and<br />

support your local teams<br />

while getting a chance to<br />

view the new Kennebec<br />

Equipment Rental Zamboni,<br />

prepping the ice<br />

for tons of great hockey<br />

action!<br />

How do you know when something is officially lost? Mom can't find it.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 29


In life you don’t get a manual. You get a mom.<br />

OPENING MAY 11 TH<br />

Fresh Frozen<br />

Craft Custard<br />

Premium Soft Serve<br />

CHECK OUT OUR<br />

WEBSITE FOR<br />

WEEKLY FLAVORS!<br />

THELOGYARDDAIRYBAR.COM | 1184 Maine St, Poland, ME<br />

CALL OF THE WILD RV CENTER<br />

NOW IS THE TIME TO CHECK OUT OUR INVENTORY OF <strong>2024</strong> RV’S.<br />

Jayco- High Quality Design<br />

& Award Winning Rv’s.<br />

Visit us!<br />

Experience what camping can offer!<br />

848 Main Street, Oxford • 207-539-4410 • www.callofthewildrv.com<br />

MAINELY STICKY BUDS<br />

Let us roll for you!<br />

60¢ a roll - rolled not packed!<br />

Happy Mother’s Day<br />

From Melissa’s Pub & Grill<br />

Now open 7 days a week!<br />

Check Our Facebook<br />

For Daily Specials<br />

207-522-5501 | timbowe70@gmail.com<br />

Like us on Facebook<br />

675 Main St. Lewiston | 207.753.1446<br />

Ralph<br />

Stetson<br />

Marketing Specialist<br />

207-513-8806<br />

Ralph@LydiaMediaLLC.com<br />

Proud Publisher of<br />

TWO local magazines!<br />

2 Great Falls Plaza Suite 1B, Auburn<br />

207.783.7039 | LAMetroMagazine.com | <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />

Serving 24 flavors of<br />

Soft Serve Ice Cream<br />

Open Thurs.-Sun. 10a-5p<br />

Shuga Shak Country Store<br />

Maple Baked Beans<br />

every Saturday!<br />

Wine • Local Products<br />

Honey • Pickles • Jams<br />

Candies • Crafts...<br />

and much more!<br />

Ice Cream & More<br />

Coming soon<br />

Live or cooked lobster!<br />

450 Pigeon Hill Road<br />

(Rte 26), Mechanic Falls<br />

207-576-7886<br />

WISHING OUR UAD<br />

MOMS A HAPPY<br />

MOTHER'S DAY<br />

Pam Ashby with mom Pauline and bonus mom Paulette<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

30 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

I worked on unclogging the tub for nearly an hour. Now I feel so drained.


Out & About at<br />

The Village Inn<br />

What falls but never needs a bandage? The rain.<br />

Perfect<br />

Eyesight<br />

Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />

One day Paul arrives<br />

home looking downcast,<br />

“That’s it,” he tells his<br />

wife, “I’m giving up golf.<br />

My eyesight has become<br />

so bad that once I hit the<br />

ball I couldn’t see where<br />

it went.”<br />

His wife sympathises and<br />

makes him a cup of tea.<br />

As they sit down she<br />

says, “Why don’t you take<br />

my brother with you and<br />

give it one more try?”<br />

“That’s no good,” sighs<br />

Paul, “your brother is 85,<br />

he can’t help.”<br />

“He may be 85,” says the<br />

wife, “but his eyesight is<br />

perfect.”<br />

So the next day Paul<br />

heads off to the golf<br />

course with his brotherin-law.<br />

He tees up, takes a<br />

mighty swing and squints<br />

down the fairway. He<br />

turns to the brother-in-law<br />

and says, “Did you see<br />

the ball?”<br />

Jill & Kevin Cunningham<br />

(Owners of Burnt Ends BBQ)<br />

Mike Spaulding<br />

Kevin Morissette<br />

& Kevin Cunningham<br />

“Of course I did!” Answers<br />

the brother-in-law.<br />

“I have perfect eyesight.”<br />

“Where did it go?” Paul<br />

asks.<br />

“I don’t remember.”<br />

Peggy Deblois & Jose Leiva<br />

The more this towel dries, the wetter it gets.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 31


| EVENTS |<br />

MAY<br />

Deputy James Phillips<br />

<strong>May</strong> 1<br />

Acoustic Sunshine<br />

Sea 40<br />

40 East Ave. Lewiston<br />

207.495.6888<br />

7:00-9:00pm<br />

may 2<br />

Book Sale Clearance<br />

Auburn Public Library<br />

49 Spring St. Auburn<br />

9:00am<br />

AuburnPublicLibrary.org<br />

may 7<br />

Crafty Kids: Decoupaged<br />

Vase for a Loved One<br />

Auburn Public Library<br />

49 Spring St. Auburn<br />

4:00-5:00pm<br />

AuburnPublicLibrary.org<br />

<strong>May</strong> 11<br />

Shred Event<br />

DuBois Realty Group<br />

243 Mount Auburn Ave<br />

Join us for a free shredding event<br />

and make a positive impact by<br />

safely disposing of unwanted and<br />

old documents.<br />

9am-1pm<br />

<strong>May</strong> 3<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s Happy Hour<br />

American Legion Post 153<br />

71 South Main St, Auburn<br />

4-6pm<br />

Vanessa<br />

& Caleb Frost,<br />

& Everett Nelson<br />

Deputy Darian<br />

Nadeau<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

32 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

<strong>May</strong> 3-4<br />

APL Bookstore<br />

Clearance Sale<br />

Auburn Public Library<br />

49 Spring St. Auburn<br />

<strong>May</strong> 3- 1:00pm<br />

<strong>May</strong> 4- 4:00pm<br />

AuburnPublicLibrary.org<br />

may 3-5<br />

Lunenburg<br />

by Norm Foster<br />

The Public Theatre<br />

31 Maple St. Lewiston<br />

Thepublictheatre.org<br />

<strong>May</strong> 4<br />

Mother’s Day Artists<br />

& Makers Market Event<br />

Olive Pit Brewing<br />

16 Main St. Lisbon Falls<br />

olivepitbrewing.com<br />

12:00-5:00pm<br />

<strong>May</strong> 5<br />

Cinco de mayo<br />

Live music with Loose Screws<br />

American Legion Post 153<br />

71 South Main St, Auburn<br />

7-11pm<br />

<strong>May</strong> 8<br />

Steven Moore<br />

Sea 40<br />

40 East Ave. Lewiston<br />

207.495.6888<br />

7:00-9:00pm<br />

may 9-12<br />

Lunenburg by Norm<br />

Foster<br />

The Public Theatre<br />

31 Maple St. Lewiston<br />

Thepublictheatre.org<br />

may 9<br />

Andrea Fawcett<br />

Sonder & Dram<br />

12 Ash St. Lewiston<br />

6:30-9:30pm<br />

207.330.3021<br />

may 10<br />

Rodney Norman<br />

Great Falls Comedy Club<br />

34 Court St. Auburn<br />

7:00pm<br />

GreatFallsComedyClub.com<br />

Deputy Sgt. Randy Williams<br />

& wife Danielle<br />

may 11<br />

Auburn Lobster Festival<br />

Festival Plaza<br />

Main St. Auburn<br />

1:00-6:00pm<br />

auburnlobsterfestival.com<br />

7 Year Itch & Customer<br />

Appreciation Celebration<br />

Coach Terry’s Redemption<br />

8 Tidswell Rd. Turner<br />

207.225.2008<br />

8:00am<br />

Divorce Diaries -<br />

Michelle Traina<br />

Great Falls Comedy Club<br />

34 Court St. Auburn<br />

7:30-9:00pm<br />

GreatFallsComedyClub.com<br />

Maine Music Society-A<br />

Breath of Mozart<br />

Franco Center<br />

46 Cedar St. Lewiston<br />

7:00pm<br />

FrancoCenter.org


| EVENTS |<br />

Troy, Jennifer<br />

& Maveric Billings<br />

<strong>2024</strong><br />

<strong>May</strong> 11-12<br />

Mother’s Day Weekend<br />

Sale & Raffles<br />

Garden Spot Farm<br />

896 Lawrence Rd. Pownal<br />

207.688.4462<br />

may 12<br />

Maine Music Society-A<br />

Breath of Mozart<br />

Franco Center<br />

46 Cedar St. Lewiston<br />

4:30pm<br />

FrancoCenter.org<br />

Lewiston Farmers<br />

Market Opening Day<br />

2 Oxford St. Lewiston<br />

lewistonfarmersmarket@gmail.com<br />

9:30am<br />

<strong>May</strong> 15<br />

Jay Larkin<br />

Sea 40<br />

40 East Ave. Lewiston<br />

207.495.6888<br />

7:00-9:00pm<br />

Crafting Circle<br />

Lewiston Public Library<br />

200 Lisbon St. Lewiston<br />

5:00-6:00pm<br />

lplonline.org<br />

may 16<br />

Toby McAllister<br />

Sonder & Dram<br />

12 Ash St. Lewiston<br />

6:30-9:30pm<br />

207.330.3021<br />

<strong>May</strong> 17<br />

Jackbox Games<br />

and Taco Party Night<br />

Great Falls Comedy Club<br />

34 Court St. Auburn<br />

GreatFallsComedyClub.com<br />

5:30pm<br />

<strong>May</strong> 17<br />

Victims of Lewiston<br />

Shooting Fundraiser Event<br />

Lost Valley<br />

200 Lost Valley Rd. Auburn<br />

Live Music, All Ages<br />

& 50/50 Raffle<br />

4:00pm<br />

The <strong>2024</strong> Hamid Circus<br />

The Colisee<br />

190 Birch St. Lewiston<br />

207.783.2009 ext. 1<br />

7pm<br />

doors will open 1 hour<br />

prior to show time<br />

<strong>May</strong> 18<br />

MSO’s Cityscape, Seascape,<br />

Soundscape Concert<br />

Franco Center<br />

46 Cedar St. Lewiston<br />

7:00-9:00pm<br />

FrancoCenter.org<br />

Annual Spring Fling<br />

Hosted by Poland Fire<br />

& Rescue<br />

5:00pm- Cocktail Hour<br />

6:00om- Buffet Dinner<br />

7:00pm- Music by The Veggies<br />

Annual Spring Fling-Hosted by<br />

Poland Fire & Rescue<br />

The Maine Inn at Poland Spring<br />

Resort<br />

610 Maine St. Poland<br />

Tickets are $25 each<br />

Hawaiian Luau attire encouraged<br />

Live Music by Frenzie<br />

The Pub at Baxter<br />

120 Mill St. Lewiston<br />

7:00-10:00pm<br />

207.333.6769<br />

Hike for Hospice-by<br />

Androscoggin Home<br />

Healthcare & Hospice<br />

Pineland Farms<br />

15 Farm View Dr. New Gloucester<br />

9:00am-1:00pm<br />

<strong>May</strong> 19<br />

The <strong>2024</strong> Hamid Circus<br />

The Colisee<br />

190 Birch St. Lewiston<br />

207.783.2009 ext. 1<br />

12pm & 4pm<br />

doors will open 1 hour<br />

prior to show time<br />

<strong>May</strong> 24<br />

Katie Arroyo<br />

Great Falls Comedy Club<br />

34 Court St. Auburn<br />

GreatFallsComedyClub.com<br />

<strong>May</strong> 25<br />

Micheal Krapovicky<br />

Sonder & Dram<br />

12 Ash St. Lewiston<br />

207.330.3021<br />

6:30-9:30pm<br />

<strong>May</strong> 29<br />

The Legends<br />

Sea 40<br />

40 East Ave. Lewiston<br />

207.495.6888<br />

7:00-9:00pm<br />

may 30<br />

Jay Larkin<br />

Sonder & Dram<br />

12 Ash St. Lewiston<br />

6:30-9:30pm<br />

207.330.3021<br />

Paul Sadler and<br />

Leonard Kimble<br />

Easter Bunny<br />

& Miracle McDivitt<br />

ADVERTISERS GET 2 FREE<br />

EVENTS TO PUT<br />

ON THE CALENDAR.<br />

NON-ADVERTISERS<br />

$25 PER EVENT.<br />

BILLING@UNCLEANDYS.COM<br />

OR CALL 207-783-7039<br />

ASK FOR STEPHANIE<br />

Send us your events for June by <strong>May</strong> 24th. Call 207.783.7039 or email billing@LydiaMediaLLC.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 33


Write It<br />

Down<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

An elderly couple,<br />

James and Blaire are<br />

sitting on a park bench<br />

in front of a large pond.<br />

Across the pond are<br />

vendors selling all types<br />

of food stuff. Blaire turns<br />

to James and says, "I<br />

could really go for an ice<br />

cream cone."<br />

James replies, "Well, I'll<br />

go get you one."<br />

Blaire says, "But, you'll<br />

forget, you better write it<br />

down."<br />

He replies, "No I won't...<br />

what do you want?"<br />

She says, "Get me a<br />

strawberry cone with<br />

chocolate sprinkles."<br />

He replies, "Okay,<br />

strawberry cone with<br />

chocolate sprinkles. See,<br />

I'll remember."<br />

Several hours pass and,<br />

finally James returns<br />

carrying a paper bag.<br />

Blaire asks him, "What<br />

took you so long, did you<br />

get lost?"<br />

James replies, "No, and<br />

I remembered what you<br />

wanted."<br />

So Blaire opens the bag<br />

to discover a cheeseburger<br />

and fries and<br />

says, “I knew you should<br />

have written the order<br />

down.”<br />

James says, “What do<br />

you mean – everything is<br />

there.”<br />

To which Blaire says,<br />

“No, it’s not….Look, you<br />

forgot the pickles."<br />

You never know what you have until you clean out your closet. Or your junk draw.<br />

A/L VALLEY KARATE TOURNAMENT<br />

At Central Maine Community College<br />

June 8, <strong>2024</strong> • 9:00 AM - 2:00 PM<br />

Join us for our biggest fundraising event<br />

of the year! The funds raised will help us<br />

with our Kids In Control Keep Safe youth<br />

leadership training programs.<br />

Competitors from ALL ages and styles<br />

of Karate are welcome!<br />

Scan here to sign up<br />

207-577-1046 | 945 Center St, Auburn<br />

The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.<br />

In Memory of<br />

Trevor Saunders<br />

Trevor loved his<br />

animals and would<br />

have adopted all the<br />

cats and dogs at the<br />

shelter if he could.<br />

We are honoring his<br />

memory and his love<br />

for pets by asking<br />

those who can donate<br />

in his name to the<br />

Greater Androscoggin<br />

Humane Society.<br />

Scan the code<br />

and put “In memory<br />

of Trevor Saunders.”<br />

Scan here<br />

to donate<br />

Or if these photos or<br />

dedication inspires<br />

you to adopt yourself,<br />

Trevor and your pet<br />

will be ‘fur’ever<br />

grateful.<br />

55 Strawberry Avenue, Lewiston | 207.783.2311 | gahumane.org<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

34 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong><br />

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.


You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.<br />

Roopers Lisbon Street<br />

Since 2011, Roopers Lisbon St. has been your<br />

one-stop shop for adventure essentials! Originally<br />

offering beer and wine, we eventually expanded<br />

to include spirits as well. Perfect for campers and<br />

travelers passing through, it's a convenient highway<br />

stop with a brand new remodel inspired by owner<br />

Steve Roop's beloved northern camp.<br />

The store's unique design reflects Steve's love for<br />

the outdoors, complete with nods to his legendary<br />

Bigfoot sightings (keep an eye out on the walls!).<br />

Plus, each counter features a bit of Steve's<br />

personality – his profile and favorite sayings –<br />

making your shopping experience truly<br />

unforgettable just like him. Stop in and check out<br />

the new face of Roopers.<br />

301 Main Street, Auburn | 783.9098<br />

545 Minot Ave, Auburn | 783.2047<br />

794 Sabattus Street, Lewiston | 783.6353<br />

686 Main Street, Lewiston | 344.1200<br />

980 Main Street, Oxford |539.6072<br />

1420 Lisbon Street, Lewiston |333.3095<br />

If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 35


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CindyPowellSells207@gmail.com<br />

120 Center St. Suite 108 Auburn<br />

RMS has joined the Guild Mortgage family<br />

We are stronger together<br />

Debbie Bodwell<br />

NMLS# 280336<br />

Debbie.Bodwell@guildmortgage.net<br />

181 Center Street, Auburn, ME 04210<br />

207.754.3962<br />

I am authorized to do business in the states of Maine, North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia. (www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org)<br />

Guild Mortgage Company; NMLS #3274; Equal Housing Opportunity; www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org.<br />

Your local guide to... well, just about anything!<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

UNCLEANDYS.COM<br />

36 <strong>May</strong> <strong>2024</strong>

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