Semester 2 print issue #2

THE BATES SPUDENT
THE VOICE OF BATES COLLEGE SINCE 1873
VOLUME 154, NO. 6
TUESDAY, May 14, 2024
LEWISTON, MAINE
“I love Vale House!”
Didya Breenyabourg ‘24
The highly-anticipated and
much-loved Bates tradition, Derby
Day, gained an additional element
of excitement on May 4 when
College
President
Garry Jenkins made a guest
appearance at the time-honored
darty.
A Plea to the Bates Community
We as a campus suffer from
a lack of flash mobs. Has The Frat
Boy Flick ever plagued your Tik-
Tok Rizz Party? Are you struggling
with the lost art of hitting the Quan?
I ask you, Where do our values lie?
A nation lost to perfectly vertical
“dancing,” we have ceased to drop
bunda in a way that demands an
audience.
Derby Day, among Bates
students, does not invoke images
of mint juleps, horse betting and
funny hats, but instead elicits visions
of the infamous off-campus
property commonly known as
“Vale.” Students don their finest
sundresses and Vineyard Vines polos
to drink out of BORGs (Black-
Out Rage Gallon) and jump up
and down to someone’s mediocre
Spotify playlist in the middle
of the afternoon.
This year, the annual
party fell on the
inauguration of the
college’s newest
president. Of course,
the influx of campus
visitors would
not deter Bates students
from engaging
in their favorite
weekend of Short
Term. Instead, the
venue’s inhabitants
decided to
combine the two
events, giving
visitors and the
newest member
of the campus
community a holistic
sense of what
it truly means to be
a Batesie.
The men’s
basketball team, who
inhabits the venue of the
nefarious darty, reached out
to Jenkins the week prior, imploring
him to attend the festivities.
“I was delighted that students
wanted me in attendance. I felt
much closer to the Bates community
that day,” Jenkins said.
I ask the youth of this country,
what are you afraid of? Are
you afraid of the viscosity of your
joints? The limberness of your hip
flexors? I write this only to say that
there is no shame in this fear. And
above all else, no shame in yearning
for what you truly desire: the art
of dropping it low.
Every weekend, I watch the
Garry Jenkins Makes Derby Day
Appearance at Vale, cus tradition
best of our student body parade the
streets of Lewiston and know in my
heart that they are destined to “go
out” and simply do just that. There
will be no wip or nae-nae, no white
girl dancing, not even a shimmy of
the shoulder or a decision to line
dance. We cannot let the flexibility
of our youthfulness be wasted on us
now.
America, hear my plea:
Allow bunda to drop, the earth
to shake, buildings to tremble, but
your knees stable, your heart strong,
and your hips without lies. Fret not
of hearing NLE Choppa’s “Sl*t Me
Out” or “Round of Applause” by
Waka Flocka Flame. You will be
ready, and you will not be alone.
So at your next function, event, or
Alumni walk to Commons, I ask,
who will you be? Trapped against
the wall in an outfit that took you
three hours to prepare? Or will you
take to the center of the circle, and
maybe even put your feet on the
wall when “Gas Pedal” is played?
Be brave, be strong, and always
stretch before busing down.
New Short Term Classes
It’s a tale as old as time: Bates
students can’t help but feel that
there’s so much potential for what
Short Term classes could look like.
That’s why Bates College is pleased
to announce that the most popularly
voted short term concept classes
have been approved and funded.
Coming from a generous sample of
25 students who all live in Village,
these new short term classes are
sure to inspire the next generation
of Bates College students. For too
long student voices have been unheard,
that’s why, with the creation
of even more short term classes that
will undoubtedly drive up tuition,
we can all finally have our voices
heard like never before. Bates College,
in their infinite wisdom and
infamous lack of organizational
skills, have shared just a few of the
exciting new classes coming to you
next May.
This hole ain’t big enough
for the two of us: Exploring
Western Expansion and Labor
Forces Through Holes from
Holes (2003)
In this dust bowl billowing
short term, you’ll be digging holes
on the Quad for three and a half
weeks straight. Speaking about the
class, Professor Bev Johnson said it
would be, “Unbearably warm, and
I’m worried they won’t supply us
with enough water.”
“What are we? Some sort of Suicide
Squad?”: Examining the
Ebbing and Flowing Relationships
of Bates Students in a Post-
AESOP World
A college student who can
fully commit is something of an
oxymoron, but this short term class
calls all those who feel oxymoronic.
The Sociology department
is excited to back this class which
will require every member of your
AESOP group to sign up for you to
be able to register before you reenact
your original AESOP experience.
Happy reunion!
“Seven-six-two millimeter. Full
metal jacket.”: The Dangers of
Organization and a Celebration
of Coming Together
Ten hut! Are you prepared to
awake to the bugle, run in a rhythm,
and learn true comradery? This
short term will bring you together
to form a Paramilitary group that
will have you learn the true importance
of strength in numbers against
the machine. Governor Janet Mills
calls it, “Deeply worrying.”
“Hotter than socks on a jersey
giant, Lord, I thought you
hung the moon”: Homelessness,
Hammocks, and Hullabaloo: An
Investigation of the Quad amd
Camping Culture
Calling all tent aficionados and
carhart charlatans! The Environmental
Studies department is so excited
to support this short term that
will see you camp on the quad for
a full three and a half weeks with
no access to any building. Want to
get your hands dirty? Make campfires
to cook your meals? Pretend
that this type of living isn’t entirely
a choice that you can reverse at
any moment? Yes? Then the Quad
awaits!
Stanford Prison Experiment
We will be doing the Stanford
Prison Experiment.

2
Campus Life
The Bates Student
May 14, 2024
Commons
Circle Table Under 2025?
Nah, The Last Supper
Updates
Jack Koffiner
In an effort to foster more
closeness within the student
body, Commons has decided to
restructure its seating area for
the 2024-2025 school year. After
numerous long and deliberative
committee meetings, the team
concluded that the student body
needs to break down the walls
of social relativism and get cozy,
and the way that they plan to approach
this is via a revolutionary
feng shui project.
For the coming academic
year, Commons will be eradicating
all of their circle and rectangular
tables and replacing them with
one great, long table that will seat
the entire student body. “Think
last supper, but on steroids,” said
Cheryl Lacey regarding the new
renovation. “We hope that this
change will allow students to feel
a new sense of community in the
joy of sharing joyous conversation
and stories over a warm plate
of Brad’s freshly fried eggs.”
Scanner in Commons
Replaced with Trivia
The fickle square of plastic
that gets used thousands of
times a day has finally quit on us.
The solution? Not a replacement
scanner, something better. Each
student upon arrival must answer
a trivia question correctly in order
to be admitted. In fitting with
Bates’ prestigious academic rigor
these questions will range from a
physics exam question to a personal
reflection to pop culture
to Bates history. Nothing is free
from inquiry.
Students can expect a wait of
upwards of 35 minutes to get into
Commons depending on the time
of day. To prepare, here is a list
of questions that may be asked:
• Who was the 2nd president
of Bates College?
• Recite a positionality
statement. Be sure to include
a critical reflection
of your socioeconomic
status.
• Calculate the value of C0
0=C0 2ydx-2xdy.
• Discuss the wrongdoings
of Lizzo and describe your
take on cancel culture.
If someone told you that
there were only 49 states and we
just made one up so it could be an
even number, which state do you
suspect is fake? Explain.
If a student cannot answer
this question, Commons staff
has been instructed to give them
a power bar and ask them to try
again tomorrow
Possibly Incomplete,
but Entirely Real
Unsuspecting student rickrolled by
Josh Mcintosh “GOTCHA hehehehe”
“SMH” says student who can’t get
into class to graduate
Nobody can tell lacrosse players apart
now that they don’t have hair
“Eeni Meenie Minee Moe” says Bates
Admissions Officer
Student forced to hold office hours after
blind tiger ask tons of questions
Bate Historical Society projected to
get a female member by 2050
Lacrosse team shaves their heads in
support of Catalina
Mugs taken in a mugging
Small cups in commons intended to
dehydrate students
Is Bates Checking your email? Students
say ‘who gives a fuck?’
Tour Guide Raptured during Solar
Eclipse

The Bates Student
May 14, 2024
Bates Faces to Include Relationship Status
Look inForadé ‘24
On Tuesday Bates announced a
“money-making scheme” where students
will now be required to fill out their relationship
status on Garnet Gateway so it can be
added to their Bates Faces profile before Friday..
Students who refuse to do so (or simply
miss the deadline) will be fined and their ID
access revoked to their residential hall.
According to Josh McIntosh, this move
is coming directly from students. Hometown,
age, and full name was deemed not enough
personal information.
This shift has necessitated a drop down
list to sort with. Options include:
• single (specify whether or not you’re
ready to mingle)
• recovering from a relationship
• (open/not open) relationship
• situationship
• friends with benefits
• confused
• long distance relationship with a kid
from high school
• fell in love while abroad
• fill in the blank
Students will be required to fill out this
information or else their grades will not be
released until July.
OUTRAGE!!!
Bates club life is one of the big draws
of the college. Tour guides brag about the
variety and diversity of the clubs, ranging
from the Discordians to the Leftist Society
to Circus Club.
Bates College announced
yesterday that
they will be cutting
club funding of any
club “capable of anything.”
Anonymous
spokesperson from
the Bates Communications
Office says,
“this move doesn’t
come from a place of
real fear per se, but rather
from the fear that students
could do something.”
According to the statement from the
college, full funding will continue for: the
After a dramatic and troubled saga for
the entire campus community, rescue crews
located Bailey Reed ‘27 on Monday, after
being lost in Chase Hall for six days.
When asked where they found Reed,
rescue team leader Bill Bob said, “Honestly,
it’s too difficult to explain. I wouldn’t trust a
rat to find their way out, nevermind a Bates
student.”
Reed and her friends were studying in
the Chase Hall lobby on Friday, April 12
when she first went missing. Her friend,
Nina Hobbes ‘27, reported that the group had
been studying for hours when Reed said she
was going to look for a place to fill her water
bottle. After being gone for thirty minutes,
her friends began to get suspicious.
When the group called Reed to ask
Campus Life 3
Week-Long Search: Student Rescued from Chase Hall
Sad But True: Students Search History LEAKED
In a scandal that has rocked the Bates
College community, a trove of search history
records has been leaked, revealing the clandestine
online activities of both students and
professors alike. The leaked data, obtained
by an anonymous source, sheds light on the
digital footprints of individuals within the
Bates sphere, uncovering a mosaic of curiosity,
humor, and, in some cases, sheer absurdity.
The Student has elected to publish an
entirely incomprehensive list of these leaks
in the name of transparency and freedom of
information.
Read the list below:
“Are there security cameras on the free condom
boxes”
“Is recycling real?”
“Pros and cons of bean boots vs blundstones”
“Is being lactose intolerant okay?”
“How hike?”
“ChatGPT”
“What is squash?”
“Does UberEats in Maine deliver weed?”
“Tips on hiding wealth”
“Is having a summer house pretentious?”
“Will my friends judge me for my trust
Students will also be permitted to change
their profile pic for a charge of $20 (venmo
@joshMcIntoshrocks) cuz we gotta pay the
endowment somehow. Don’t like your high
school senior portrait anymore? Add a sexy
selfie or a PW photobooth pic instead.
The majority of the student body is
thrilled, polls reveal. You can scroll through
the roster by class year until you hunt down
not only their name but their love life info.
“This will change the entire stalking game,”
says one Rosie Brown ‘25.
Bates Club Funding to be Renewed in
2050, “if you’re lucky” says admin
tea club and knit wits. All other clubs should
expect their accounts drained, rooms locked
and equipment demolished. The college
specifically noted that anyone interested in
“testing us will be sorry.”
Following the announcement,
President Garry Jenkins
came outside and
told anyone passing by
that he was personally
sorry and that things
were “getting a little
weird over here.”
After several
weeks of students
moping around campus,
the Bates Communications
office is offering a
“pizza-debrief” where students
can enjoy one Otto’s pizza and debrief
among themselves. To split it between all
where she was, she indicated that she was
lost. The group tried to give her directions,
but quickly realized that no one knew their
left from their right, making the task impossible.
Before they could FaceTime to see
where Reed was, her phone died.
The group attempted to look for Reed
themselves, but kept going in circles and
failed. They reported her missing to Campus
Safety six hours after they had last heard
from her.
Director of Campus Safety Paul Menice
reported that his team “tried their best to find
Miss Reed,” but were not themselves familiar
with the building’s layout. “I have to
protect my team first, and couldn’t risk them
also going missing in an attempt to locate the
student.”
fund?”
“Man Ops disbanded?”
“Am I gay buzzfeed”
“Skateboard lessons near me”
“Who took the rocks behind commons?”
“Where to hide all the mugs”
“Where can I buy pink hair dye?”
“Why does my poop look like this”
“What kind of food induces diarrhea”
“Bates dining menu”
“Is it that hard to play football?”
“Is Bowdoin actually better or do they just
have more money?”
“How to get into Colisee as a freshman”
“How to tell all the lacrosse players apart
without hair”
“Why is Mt. David called a mountain?”
“How to climb down mt david while inebriated”
“How easy is it to steal a bike”
“Bolt cutters near me”
“Where to get a fake”
“Kim’s kitchen hours of operation”
“How to say hello in Urdu”
“If I play a guitar will I get laid”
“Ways to indirectly tell your neighbors to
stop having loud sex”
“Best ear plugs”
their members, everyone received 1x1 inch
squares.
Afterwards, the Funding and Activities
Board released a triumphant statement.
Their school wide email can be seen below.
Dear Bates Students and Leaders,
We know these past few years have
been hard. Running clubs can be challenging
when you have little money to do so. We
have heard your complaints again and again
about our funding system and are ready to
make a change. We will have an influx of
money coming to the Club Funding Budget
to renew and refresh our allotment.
We are thrilled to announce that this
renewal of funding will be coming in the
2050-2051 school year.
Thank you for your tireless work,
Nick Dressler
Just Outside of Boston, Massachusetts
Twenty minutes after Campus Safety’s
arrival, the Lewiston Police Department was
contacted for assistance. Lewiston Search
and Rescue promptly arrived. After one look
around the building, Bill Bob realized “this
was going to be harder than I thought.” He
proceeded to assemble a team that could
“find a needle in a haystack if need be.”
At the end of the third day of looking,
Bob said that the team was “starting to
worry.” But, in their commitment to not give
up, continued the search for three more days.
Efforts included searchlights, heat detectors,
and echolocation.
When asked why they didn’t obtain
blueprints, Bob replied, “Damn. That
would’ve been smart.”
Reed told The Student that there were
“Is the clitoris on the right side or the left?”
“How to tell if she’s faking it”
“Who put holes in all the condoms in Parker
common room”
“Plan b near me”
“Do I have a drug addiction?”
“How much alcohol is too much alcohol”
“Should I drink a little alcohol everyday or a
lot in one day?”
“Subarus craigslist”
“What does intersectionality mean”
“Can I live off a stripper’s salary?”
“LED strips amazon”
“Best printers on campus”
“How to cite an essay I wrote previously”
“Red bump on scrotum but I’m a virgin”
“Easiest major at Bates College”
“Microdosing marijuana”
“Recreational Marijuana in Lewiston”
“Crystal Springs Alternative Healing”
“Strawberry Fields Apothecary”
“Medical marijuana certification process
Maine”
“ADHD assessment near me”
“Used Hammocks for sale”
“Used Patagonia socks for sale”
“Homeless core fit”
“Homeless eco-extremist fit”
Betsy Moos
2025
Relationship status: Emotionally confused
Idling EMS Truck
Crushes Ecoreps
Dreams
Olive Cole ‘28
Check the Doomsday Clock folks,
because it may all be over. Just this past
Sunday Bates College has been forced to
declare the schools as no longer carbon neutral.
Students, faculty, and staff alike have
all wondered what the cause of this could
have been? Just today the culprit has been
revealed: The Bates EMS Truck. Yes indeed,
the need to have the motor constantly
running has, with one move of the stick
shift, destroyed the hope of a carbon neutral
Bates. EcoReps have been quick to respond,
stating, “You’ll definitely be seeing some
more posters up in bathroom stalls addressing
this soon.”
many vending machines and water fountains
scattered throughout the building, accounting
for her food and water needs. “Honestly,
it wasn’t that uncomfortable– just lonely,”
she said.
A campus-wide email went out after
Reed was located, indicating that she was
found safe-and-sound. The email offered
safety tips for navigating the maze-like
building. “Take mental note of landmarks
and tell a friend where you’re going,” the
email said. “Also, make sure your phone is
always charged.”
Reed said she will not be returning to
Chase Hall for the foreseeable future and that
she hopes, “no one goes through what I went
through.”
“Corporate granola aesthetic”
“Train from Lewiston to Boston”
“Is there a train from Lewiston to Boston?”
“Ways to get out of Lewiston”
“Things to do in Lewiston”
“Tina’s Thai Express”
“Tap water safe to drink central maine”
“How to apply for summer internship”
“PWM vs PDX”
“Best places to eat Portland”
“Best places to eat Portland, Maine”
“Is Talking Heads masculine?”
“How to write an apology letter to professor
for really really late assignment”
“Best weighted blanket”
“How long should I nap for”
“Is it bad that I nap for two hours everyday?”
“Depression symptoms”
“How to overcome seasonal depression”
“pornhub”
“Light therapy amazon”
“Commons menu”
In the meantime, The Student will continue
to monitor developments closely and
provide updates as the story unfolds. Stay
tuned for further revelations and insights into
the fascinating world of Bates’ search history.

4
Revenue
The Bates Student
May 14, 2024

The Bates Student
May 14, 2024
SEX 5
Why Bates Loves the Auburn Chipotle
Admirer #1
The Auburn Chipotle has left
me speechless.
The Chipotle Burrito – an edible
enigma wrapped in a tortilla, a
culinary adventure that transcends
mere sustenance and ventures
“The Pork Belly
Tacos are the stuff
Admirer #6
boldly into the realm of the absurd. toppings to choose
legends are
Upon entering the hallowed
halls of the Auburn Chipotle, one
from,
burrito
every
is
made of.
is immediately greeted by the intoxicating
a unique
aroma of spicy
“So, I’m a new hot sauce con-
promises and
noisseur. I’ve
assembly line
evolved
efficiency.
o f f
The ambiance?
Think
industrial chic
jalapeños;
meets cafeteria chic – a
I now enjoy
minimalist aesthetic that
habaneros and
screams “I’m too cool to
care, but also, please enjoy
our sustainable ethos.”
generic shelf hot
sauces are no longer
spicy to me. I wanted
Now, let us dissect the
something challenging,
star of the show: the burrito. A behemoth
of biblical proportions, it
arrives at your table swaddled in
foil, its contents hidden like secrets
in a government vault. Unraveling
this aluminum cocoon is akin to
unwrapping a present on Christmas
morning, except instead of a
shiny new toy, you’re greeted with
a carb-laden torpedo filled with the
hopes and dreams of hungry souls.
creation,
tailored to suit the individual tastes
and preferences of each diner. It’s a
culinary adventure limited only by
your imagination – and your appetite,
of course.
In conclusion, the Chipotle
Burrito is more than just a meal –
it’s a masterpiece. A testament to
“I have been to the Chipotle
Auburn twice in the past two
weeks. The dishes were beautiful,
and every bite was heavenly. I had
the seasonal curried chicken crepe
on both occasions, and it is honestly
the best tasting dish I have ever
had. The complexity of the flavor
E v e r y
savory, smoky, sweet, and spicy bit
hits all your taste buds like a Plinko
token heading towards the jackpot.
Whenever I have family visit from
out of state, this is the 1st place we
go.”
and ordered soup and grilled
cheese, with Fire in the hole sauce
on the side, to dip the grilled cheese
sandwich into.
Let me tell you something ...
WOW .
I could feel tingles in my ears.
My lips were burning, and I met my
match, I could barely dip a second
time. I put a lid on it and took it
home. Later that night I tossed
Let’s start with (one of) the the power of quality ingredients, profile was impeccable!
a few drops into my Ramen. Oh
foundation(s) – the cilantro-lime expert craftsmanship, and a passion I paired it with the triple cream Admirer #5
man, intense! I think I’m in Love
rice. Cooked to fluffy perfection
and infused with just the right
amount of seasoning, it serves as
the ideal canvas upon which to
build your burrito masterpiece.
Next comes the beans – creamy,
for flavor, it’s a culinary experience
that delights the senses and leaves
you craving more. So, dear reader,
the next time you find yourself in
need of a taste of Tex-Mex heaven,
look no further than Chipotle. Your
brie and pear salad, and she was
also divine. The greens were so
crisp and vibrant, as if they were
pulled from a Cezanne painting
and plated.
The watermelon radish and “The Perfect Pad Thai – What
Fire in the hole does not disappoint
and I don’t think I’m at
the tolerance level to enjoy how
INTENSE this sauce is. Thank
you, Winking Lizard! Not only
were your waitresses fantastic and
flavorful, and oh-so-satisfying, taste buds will thank you. The lettuce
cucumber scalloped edges did not is my perfect crime?
were willing to indulge my bizarre
they add a depth of richness that
elevates the entire experience to
new heights.
was especially memorable. go unnoticed and the whisper of
sweetness from the candied walnuts
and port gastrique was the perfect
I break into Lemongrass at
midnight. Do I go for the vault? No,
I go for the Pad Thai. It’s priceless.
request, the environment, the free
popcorn, and clean bathrooms
were a plus! Thank you.”
balance to the savory lardons. As I’m taking it to go, a woman
But it’s the protein where Chipotle
truly shines. Whether you opt Admirer #2
I even asked our lovely server, catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s
for the tender, succulent steak, the
juicy and flavorful chicken, or the
perfectly seasoned sofritas, each
bite is a revelation. Cooked to perfection
and bursting with flavor, it’s
a testament to Chipotle’s commit-
“The most finger lickin, lip
Angie, if the chef could prepare a
side of the nightly greens, and both
times they were delivered without
hesitation and delectable. I cannot
recommend this jewel of Columbia
enough. An exceptional culinary
her father’s recipe. She’s Lemon. I
say no, it’s mine now.
I tell her to meet me in Thailand,
but I go to America. I don’t
trust her. Besides, I like the cold.
Thirty years later, I get a postcard.
New Regulation Bans Skateboards on Campus
ment to quality and craftsmanship.
And let’s not forget the toppings
– a cornucopia of fresh ingredients
that add a burst of color
and freshness to every bite. From
crisp lettuce to ripe tomatoes to
creamy guacamole, each topping is
a delight in its own right, coming
together to create a flavor profile
that’s nothing short of sublime.
But perhaps the dark horse
of Chipotle is its commitment to
customization. With a wide array
of salsas, sauces, and
smakin, mouth waterin, tender lovin,
so good make you wanna smack
your mamma ribs in the midwest.”
Admirer #3
experience is waiting for you just
over the bridge. Merci Beaucoup
for your talent and hospitality!”
Admirer #4
I have a son and he’s the chief of
police. This is where the story gets
interesting: I tell Lemon to meet
me in Columbus by Goodale Park.
She’s been waiting for me all these
years; she’s never taken another
lover. I don’t care, I don’t show up.
I go to Lemongrass. That’s where I
can get the perfect Pad Thai.”
Noah Skeiting ‘25
On Saturday, April 20, a new
regulation was spontaneously
passed, citing skateboards as potentially
dangerous transportation
equipment. Before snow begins to
“
Tony Hawk
knows what he is
doing, but for Bates
students, this is a
major safety concern.
It is time to end the
terrifying reign of the
skateboard on this
campus.”
– Noah Skeiting ‘25
set on campus in the winter months,
skateboarders around the Bates are
a common sight. Unfortunately,
this regulation banned skateboards
on campus.
Now, with no other alternatives
but Segways, students can
expect to see these two-wheeled
electronic devices become the top
personal transportation choice.
In an attempt to better understand
the lives of students on campus,
the administration gathered
together to play the 2012 video
game Tony Hawk Pro Skater HD
for the PlayStation 3, which they
treated as a highly accurate portrayal
of the average skateboarder’s
activities.
“We cannot believe students
have been kickflipping over buildings
and moving vehicles around
campus without us taking notice.
Tony Hawk knows what he is doing,
but for Bates students, this is a
major safety concern. It is time to
end the terrifying reign of the skateboard
on this campus.”
Recognizing that the ban on
skateboarding would have dire
consequences for students looking
to move at a speed of more than
three miles per hour, the administration
hired Transportation Safety
Supervisor Seb Wei to search for
safer alternatives. Wei immediately
suggested that the school promote
Segways, and only Segways, as an
effective and safe skateboard replacement.
Seb Wei, who specified that
he is definitely not sponsored by
Segway, commented the following:
“The Segway is a truly revolutionary
personal, self-balancing, all terrain
vehicle, and most of all, impossible
to do kickflips on. Nothing is
more reliable than a Segway! Nothing
even compares to the Segway!
It is sturdy, stylish, and superior to
the skateboard in every way. Please
buy a Segway. It will make you
cool, I promise.”
Though clubs on campus may
experience additional fund cuts
to allocate money towards tearing
down building Segway-only parking
lots, the administration ensures
this is absolutely necessary for preventing
injuries on campus before
they occur.

6
Campus Life
The Bates Student
May 14, 2024
A Concerned Friend of Fungi Talks to Bates Black Mold:
“This is our home”
Ima Fungus ‘26
After multiple reports, service
requests, and facilities visits, one
thing is clear: Bates dorms are home
to a whole ecosystem of different
molds. Many students rightfully
malign their forced, fungal friends,
as prolonged exposure to mold has
been linked to allergy-type symptoms
and have even been linked
to the development of long term
chronic health conditions.
But what these students aren’t
focused enough on is how the mold
feels about this. That mold that sits
on your windowsill, ceiling or in
your bathroom has a more storied
history with this school than you
have.
To help promote a more
mold-tolerant student body, The
Student conducted a one-on-one
interview with the mold growing
between that little gap between the
sink and the wall in the bathroom
in Cheney.
The first surprise came when I
learned that I wasn’t talking to just
one colony of fungus, but rather a
branch of a larger mycelial network
that spans all of Bates campus.
“We are many,” said the fuzzy
ooze on my bathroom
wall ominously.
To understand
more
about what
this cryptic response
meant,
I went to my
local expert, a
freshman environmental
science major-hopeful.
They told me
this was most
likely in reference to
mycelium.
Frankly, I thought mycelial
was in reference to the mold’s
neighbor that just grew above my
bed. Rather, it refers to a vast network
of fungi that communicate
with each other via spores and
vast webbing networks of roots
throughout a given ecosystem.
“It’s a lot like Blind Tiger,” one
unnamed Environmental Science
major said of mycelial
networks, “just without
all the sexism, racism,
homophobia…”
the quote continued.
It was clear to
me then, that
these fungi actually
have a
rich social and
academic life, just
like the student
population here
at Bates. In
fact, the mold
claims that it
actually is better
for Bates campus
than the students are.
“Have you seen JB? We didn’t
do that. That was all them,” said the
speckles that dot the corner of the
common room. “We don’t mind
sharing space. It’s just that, well,
we’d prefer they ask first.”
Some specimens aren’t as amicable.
“I can’t believe it. I’ve been
here for decades, minding my own
business, and then all the sudden
one student moves in and suddenly
it’s a problem? All of a sudden I’m
the issue? I see what you do behind
closed doors, and I promise, I’m
not the one who’s a problem here.”
The common sentiment was
clear: the mold in your dorm isn’t
here to cause any trouble. “We actually
reproduce asexually, which,
for the record, is a lot quieter than
how your roommate does it. You
know who you are.”
The mold was kind enough to
share how much the media perception
of mushrooms big and small
has influenced their treatment.
“Ever since that show The Last of
Us premiered, everyone thinks we
are going to climb into their brains
and make them into zombies. It’s
fake news! We only do that to
specific species of ants, and even
then, it’s not that bad.”
When asked about the health
issues that are posed to students by
the mold’s presence, they replied
only that mold exposure has always
been a part of the Bates experience.
“We’ve been causing your clothes
to mildew for hundreds of years,
you should know how to deal with
it by now.”
Overall, this experience interviewing
the mold has opened my
eyes to the entire secret world that
lives in the damp corners of Bates.
The mold in your dorm has likely
seen countless students and graciously
lent their space to decades
of tenants. They ask for nothing in
return, only that you coexist with
them peacefully.
When asked how students
can help support their friendly
fungi, the colony requested that
concerned students should be neglecting
to clean their rooms, blocking
air ventilation, and occasionally
spritzing a bit of water in the darkest
parts of your shared space.
What Shenanigans does Your Week Hold?
An Official Horoscope
Aries (March 21 - April 19):
Mercury has finally finished retrograde,
so now’s your time! Embrace
the ram within and scale that
mountainside on all fours! Bleat
aloud if you so desire! Others may
laugh and jeer, but only you know
that this is the closest the human
spirit can connect with nature.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
The season of Taurus is upon us as
we speak, and you best of all know
that. Perhaps you may have forgotten,
seeing as the first day of your
sign was 4/20, but it’s all good!
Bring those chill vibes in the days
to come. After all, we are all just
cows in one big pasture, so who
cares what grass you’re munching
on?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
You know that internship you were
hoping was going to pull through
with an offer before summer started?
Sorry, pal, not going to work
out. They already gave the job to a
Leo.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
Pluto is expecting retrograde soon,
so lean into the unconventional and
what others may see as old news.
Since when was Pluto not a planet?
Can you believe that One Direction
just broke up? Who even is Joe
Biden really?
Leo (July 23 - August 22):
Leo! An opportunity has just fallen
into your lap, go on and take
it! Not sure where it came from?
Well, don’t question it! You mean
you didn’t even apply for the job?
That’s weird. No way they sent the
offer to the wrong person, must be
for you.
Virgo (August 23 - September
22): You’ll find that today your
thoughts will be swarmed with
ducks. I bet you are thinking of a
duck right now. See? Gotcha.
Libra (September 23 - October
22): Good fortune awaits you soon
if you play your cards right, Libra.
The stars are telling you if you invest
your savings in crypto, it will
definitely pay off in spades. They
promise.
Scorpio (October 23 - November
21): Oh, secretive Scorpio, you
hide too much from those you care
about. Seriously, where are you? I
can’t find you. We’ve stopped playing
hide and seek a week ago and
are getting concerned about you.
Sagittarius (November 22 -
December 21): You may be feeling
idealistic these past few days,
but now is the time to reorient
and choose facts over delusions.
They’re using you, honey, and you
deserve better. Take aim at that situationship,
like the archer you are.
Aquarius (January 20 - February
18): Aquarius, ever the communicative
and intelligent, it’s time
to embrace your contrarian nature.
Others may struggle to agree with
you, but deep down, you know
you’re right. The moon landing?
Faked. The Earth? Flat as can be.
Where is your head? Buried so far
in the sand that you see the underground
illuminati hideout that’s
definitely underneath the Denver
Airport.
Pisces (February 19 - March
20): Remember that really embarrassing
thing you did in middle
school that you swore was cool?
What was it? Rainbow Loom
bracelets? Mismatched socks?
Whatever it was, it’s totally coming
back.
All Students With Housing Accommodations
Will Now Occupy Open Dormitory
Shirley U. Cantbesirius ‘27
In a shocking move, Bates
Residential Life and Health
Education announced a major
overhaul of its existing accommodations
processing system.
All students with housing accommodations
will now be placed in
the new first floor of 96 Campus
Avenue, which is being described
as an “open dormitory format with
shared restroom spaces.”
“It’s a bunch of cots with
chamber pots. Imagine living in
that your senior year!” said Lily
Krabs ‘25, who’s been placed in
the housing.
According to Housing Director
Graham Cricket, housing
accommodations requests have
become far too frequent and can no
longer be addressed in their current
quantity by campus committees.
“It’s always single this, elevator
that, attached bathroom yada
yada,” Cricket said. “We’re sick
of it! If you don’t like our normal
housing options, well then here’s a
nontraditional one for ya.”
In addition to the new shared
spaces, students who wish to make
an accommodation request will
now need to perform a contemporary
dance routine, complete with an
originally composed song, for the
accommodations committee.
“I need these accommodations
for my anxiety! How am I supposed
to approach this new system?”
Donald Werner ‘27 said. “I’m a
DCS minor for a reason!”
When asked what would be
done with the singles now open because
of the overhaul, Cricket said,
“Oh! We’re giving those to freshmen.
We think they’ll love not having
a roommate for their first year.”
Furthermore, when questioned
as to why 96 Campus Ave. was
not constructed with extra singles
inside, Cricket told The Student it
was simply too much work.
“We just don’t care enough,”
““When questioned as to why 96
Campus Ave. was not constructed with extra
singles inside, [Housing Director Graham]
Cricket told The Student it was simply too
much work. ‘We just don’t care enough,’ he
said.”
– Shirley U. Cantbesirius, Class of 2027
“
“All students with housing
accommodations will now be placed in the
new first floor of 96 Campus Avenue, which
is being described as an “open dormitory
format with shared restroom spaces.”
– Shirley U. Cantbesirius, Class of 2027
he said.
Any housing accommodations
requests filed will now be tossed
into a pile labeled “will they, won’t
they.” Cricket says this is not dissimilar
to how the previous system
was run.
“Previously, we gave each accommodation
request a ‘Friends’
character and then voted on our
favorite characters to decide who
would get what they wanted,”
Cricket said. “I, personally, always
voted for Gunther. Ross never won.
If you were labeled ‘Ross,’ it was a
death sentence.”
Many students with accommodations
are irate at this new system
for housing.
“What am I supposed to do?”
Krabs said. “They won’t even let
me live off campus, either!”
According to Cricket, the
pathway between 96 Campus Ave.
and the rest of campus will not be
paved or lit, nor will there be any
security cameras mounted. However,
Campus Safety will erect
several posters advising students to
“be vigilant.”
Bulletin: New Theme Houses for
2024-2025 Academic Year
Anita Dickinmabutt ‘25
The theme houses for the
2024-2025 academic year have all
been approved by the Residence
Life Team and they will be distributed
as follows:
10 Frye St. will be the “I
Used To Be on the Rowing Team”
House. The Community Advisors
describe this as “a safe space for
everyone who once had a stint on
the rowing team, and ultimately decided
the little uniforms aren’t for
them.”
Chase House will now be the
Environmental Terrorism Through
Physical Activism House. They
plan to spread their values by
dumping the olive oil from Commons
on the ground and throwing
all of their beer cans in the grass.
Webb House will be the Performing
Zen Through Plant Interaction
and Cultivation House. The
smoking of weed in or around this
house is strictly forbidden and not
tolerated under any circumstances.
Moulton House will be the
People Who Lived in Page Basement
Freshman Year House. They
plan to hold weekly support group
sessions.
Pierce House will be the Fuck
Ass Bang House. They are
looking for residents
with only the jankiest
and most unruly of
bangs.
Hacker House
will be an Affinity
House for Everyone
Who Went to an Ultimate
Frisbee Practice Once Their
Freshman Year and Never Returned.
Wilson House will be the
Helicopter Seed Tattoo House. If
you have a ginkgo leaf tattoo they
also might let you in.
Frye Street Union will be the
Bates Band House. Anyone who
has even been in a Bates band will
live here, so as to allow easy access
to everyone’s favorite concert
venue.
Hayes House will be the Loyal
Goose Attendant House. You know
who you are.
Small House will be the Loyal
Cage Attendant House. You also
know who you are.
Finally, Mitchell House will
be the Nudity House. You may not
wear clothes in the house, entering
the house, exiting the house, or in
close proximity to the house.
If any of these houses sound
like they might be a good fit for
you, do not hesitate to send an application
to the respective Community
Advisor at your earliest
convenience! Please feel free to
reach out to Res Life with any questions,
concerns, or wishes via
housing@bates.edu.
Happy hunting!

The Bates Student
May 14, 2024
Campus Life 7
Sex Week ‘Condom Cab’ Fined for Running Over Virgins
Selly Bacy ‘25
The iconic Bates Sex Week
tradition, the “Condom Cab,” was
fined $6,900 total on Wednesday
for targeting and running over virgins
during the annual sex education
week.
The Condom Cab, a golf cart
driven by student representatives
for Residence Life and Campus
Life, distributes condoms, stickers
and candy to students in promotion
of safe sex practices. “There’s lube
too!” Residence Life Representative
Holly Day ‘24 emphasized.
During Sex Week 2024, three
students, who wish to remain unnamed,
reported that the Condom
Cab ran over their feet. They also
reported that they witnessed attempts
to run over others but that
students were able to outrun the
cab.
Students reported the incident
to Campus Safety who promised
to investigate the situation. When
asked why the resolution to fine the
student drivers came so late (nearly
two months after the incident) Director
of Campus Safety Paul Menice
said that his team was “just so
darn busy writing parking tickets
that they couldn’t get around to
it.” He added, “Our priority as
a Campus Safety team is to get
that parking violation bag.”
According to one victimized
student, the condom cab approached
in a friendly manner at
first. “I smiled when they drove
up to me. The Condom Cab is
a fun and silly tradition and always
brings a smile to my face,”
he said.
However, the interaction
quickly turned sour when the
student found that the cab didn’t
slow down and instead ran directly
over his feet, knocking
him to the ground. “I shouted
at them: ‘Hey! Why did you do
that?’” the student reported. The
drivers allegedly shouted back, “
you’re a virgin!”
Witnesses report that the
drivers then “sped off and laughed
maniacally,” shouting, “Down with
the virgins!”
When asked how they knew
about his sexual activity (or lack
thereof), the student replied, “It’s
Bates College. Everyone knows
everything.”
The Residence Life and Health
Education Office released a statement
following the reports, indicating
that “Such behavior is not
representative of the expectations
and standards of our organization.”
The statement noted that the
student drivers were promptly dismissed
from their roles and will be
facing disciplinary action, including
a $3,450 fine and a six-week
program about the relationship between
violence and projection.
The statement concluded, “We
are disheartened and disappointed
that this has happened to our Bates
community. Students, staff and faculty
can be sure that this will not
happen again (hopefully).”
More Than a Party, Less Than a Fertility Clinic:
The Truth About Lacrosse Prom
Jameson Prolly Should Flaherty’24
POV: you’re a lowly
NARP entering commons
for lunch on one chilly December
day. Uh oh! All of
a sudden you’re trampled
by the women’s lacrosse
team holding promposal
posters. It’s a great day for
them. A poor day for you
(you scraped your knee).
But lacrosse prom is about
a lot more than just partying.
It’s actually a coach-hosted
breeding event, promoting
conception, and leading to
the next generation of Bates
lax players.
Burke basement,
the night of lax prom, is
equipped with fertility supplements,
multivitamins, and
calendars for people to track
their ovulation cycles. And
don’t worry, there’s not a
condom in sight!
It’s quite the spectacle.
If you haven’t had the chance
to check it out yet, I really do
recommend attending next
December. The lacrosse
team is super accepting and
always welcomes spectators!
After speaking with the
coach, we learned that this
tactic has been employed
for decades in a successful
attempt to keep people interested
in the sport. “By
maintaining and selectively
breedi–I mean encouraging
athletic students to find lifelong
partnerships with one
another, we are able to ensure
a prosperous future full
of talented lacrosse players
with NESCAC legacy.”

8
ARTS & CULTURE
The Bates Student
May 14, 2024
THRILLED
Lewiston Dispensaries
Bates Announces Largest Class in History
Pasta Jay
Bates Admissions recently announced
that this year’s applicant pool for the
class of 2028 was the highest in the college’s
history. Some members of the Bates
community expressed shock at this news,
astounded by the candor with which applicants
supposedly disclosed drug use in
their applications.
However, Associate Dean of Admission
Mary J. Fiend stated that “Bates
prides itself on attracting a student body
with clear passions who understand the
college’s ethos.” By ethos, Fiend means
that savory smell often wafting off of Frye
Street porches morning, noon, and night
– coming not only from the families of
skunks making their homes on Mt. David.
In their college search, many students
seek to find a place where they will belong,
and likewise, admissions officers
look to bring together a cohesive college
community with a variety of backgrounds
and interests but shared values. Value, in
this case, might be measured in price per
ounce.
While applying to colleges, students
seek to put forth an authentic and compelling
representation of themselves not only
as scholars but as wholehearted individuals.
Bates’ longstanding commitment to a
test-optional admissions policy since 1984
has sought to consider individuals beyond
just their test scores and GPA on paper –
including, apparently, proficiency with
rolling papers.
Bud Preciator ‘28, an accepted student
who applied early decision to Bates this
fall, explained that he did not explicitly
avow his affinity in his application, but
rather that he wrote his Common App personal
statement about the self-discovery
process he underwent when a late-night
Doordash Taco Bell order mix-up introduced
him to a new CrunchWrap flavor
“I mean, I guess they tell you to write
about something that speaks to who you
are, and when I got the wrong thing from
Taco Bell I realized that so much about
myself. So I wrote about that, and I guess
Bates just kind of got me.”
Admissions counselor Hava Jay confirmed
this, remarking that “We really try
to see students as who they really are and
what they care about – what really sparks a
fire in them– and outside, I guess.”
There are many ongoing initiatives to
cultivate a close relationship between the
College and the Lewiston/Auburn community,
including the efforts that local
organizations make to attract students as
customers. Many Bates students already
patronize town institutions like MedCo
and Humble Family Farms loyally, and
this announcement from Bates Admissions
bodes well for continued student patronage
of these businesses.
Riley Hie, manager of the MedCo on
Lisbon St, stated “Wait, what? Oh, those
faded new kids? Yeah, that’ll be good,”
with regard to the news, indicating the
economic enthusiasm garnered.
Similarly, B. Ongryppe, a cannabis
proprietor at Strawberry Fields Apothecary,
expressed her excitement about the
college’s characterization of the incoming
student body, noting that “it’s good to see
the college is letting these nerds feel cool.”
This news is exciting both for the college
and the wider community, and as the incoming
class of 2028 matriculates, Lewiston
will welcome them with open arms
as they move into their dorms and open
their windows to avoid setting off smoke
alarms.
WANTED: New Tattoo Artist-in-Residence :((
Tattoo artists from around
the world have stormed the
Bates campus in recent
days upon hearing of
@iwillpokeu’s departure.
A beloved senior student who
has been faithfully tattooing the
Bates
population is about to graduate and is leaving behind
their post. Now that the lucrative job is open, artists
are flocking to Lewiston/Auburn to hone their skills, demonstrate
their talents, and make the big bucks.

The Bates Student
May 14, 2024
ARTS & CULTURE 9
Karma is…performing at Bates College?
Jojo Siwa to headline Short Term Concert
A.L. Miller
During the 2022-2023 school year,
students’ hopes were raised, then dashed,
not once but twice, by spurious promises
of Sage the Gemini performing at Bates.
When the concert was first delayed, then
canceled entirely, some students were distraught,
long-longing for an opportunity to
hear incoherent rap in a setting other than
Burke Basement. A particularly saddened
student noted that the news made her want
to “slow down” and “grab the wall” – but
not “wiggle tryna make her ass fall off”, as
Gemini croons in his acclaimed indie tune
“Gas Pedal.”
While there are plenty of great student
bands (and even more mediocre ones) on
campus, the college has definitely been
craving a larger-scale live music event.
Many had lost out on hope that the 2023-
2024 school year would have a live concert,
but a surprise announcement from Campus
Life revealed that Jojo Siwa, best known
for her past child stardom on reality show
Dance Moms and ongoing badgering of
hey mamas lesbians’ TikTok comment sections
will headline Bates’ spring concert.
Though her smash hit tune “Karma” has
captured the nation’s attention (OutFront
had to hold a meeting just about the controversial
music video), Siwa promises that
she will also perform her jam “Boomerang”,
modified to be titled “Ultimate Frisbee”
in honor of Bates’ fakest sports team
and their throwing implement of choice.
Not only will Siwa take to the Gray Cage’s stage, she
will also be collaborating with the Bates Dance Department
to hold a campus workshop to teach the signature
dance to “Karma.” Bates EMS will be on standby for neck
and back injuries caused from the violent and disorienting
movement the dance requires.
While Jojo Siwa may not have been the first artist students
had in mind for a campus concert, she will bring exciting
energy – and, indubitably, a poor imitation of Gene
Simmons’ KISS makeup. We will be following this story
closely to see what effect Siwa’s visit has on the school.
Hopefully, after all of the trials and tribulations of arranging
a concert, Karma will not prove to be “a b***ch*.”
The New Newman Day
In the name of authenticity students
switch beers for hard boiled eggs
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? I think not,” is a quote Bates
students know all too well. The line attributed
to actor and salad dressing
industry star, Paul Newman, has
become a holiday on the Friday
of Winter Carnival. The
goal is to drink 24 beers,
now frequently switched
out for hard seltzers, in
24 hours. Do you know
what else comes in packs
of 24? Eggs.
Likely because Bates
encourages an atmosphere
of critical thinking
and radical change, students
began to question this tradition.
Now that it’s been going
on for so long, Bates students claim,
“binge drinking is just not cool anymore”
and the challenge “is too easy nowadays.”
Students claim their generation has
gotten “weak” and expressed a desire to up
their game.
In the spirit of change, students went
back to the roots of the tradition: a scene
in the 1967 prison film, Cool Hand
Luke. Newman, who portrayed
Luke, wins a bet that he can
eat 50 hardboiled eggs in an
hour.
“Ridiculous!” students
roared after finding this
out. “We’ve been missing
out on hard boiled egg
day for decades,” one
student sobbed.
The Bates College
Student Government
(BCSG) released an official
statement in light of
this outrage. “It is time to put
down the beers and pick up a
carton, or five, and do the real Newman
Day challenge.”
W A N T E D
MORE RED HEADS FOR THE
DEANSMEN
R E Q U I R E M E N T S : M U S T B E A R E D H E A D , A B I L I T Y T O S I N G
A P P R E C I A T E D B U T N O T R E Q U I R E D
If you have any information about red heads on campus quickly contact The Deans Men at
thedeansmen@redhead.com
IIf confused on who fits these requirements, see reference image above

The Bates Student
May 14, 2024
Importance 10
Fair is Fair
JB Residents pay up for
Random Gas Explosion
JB Disease Symptom Chart
Howling @
the moon
Destruction
of property
Sinus issues
Confusion
Headaches
Foaming at
the mouth
Soar throat
Late night
scream
Fai YurCourius
The building known as John Bertram
Hall has exploded in what Campus Safety
has investigated as a gas leak. According
to the Bates administration, the gas
leak had slowly leaked from the heating
pipes below the building for quite some
time. The gas company that investigated
estimated that the leak could have been
occurring for more than 30 years, a short
time after it was recently renovated in
1978.
John Bertram Hall was previously
used by both the Nichols Latin School
and Maine State Seminary between 1868
and 1899. When the Latin school closed
in 1899, the building was repurposed as
a science hall used by the biology and
physics departments.
The gas lines underneath the building
have been unused since 1913 when
the Carnegie Science Building was built.
1978 was the last time when the building
received a major renovation, adding the
stair towers and bathrooms. It is suspected
that the crew must have damaged one
of the gas pipes flowing from the power
plant during their construction.
As a result of the deteriorating pipes,
the gas had been slowly leaking through
the heating system through the building.
After yesterday’s explosion, Campus
Safety sent a text message to the student
body urging them not to approach the
unstable area until the Lewiston Fire Department
could clear the scene.
The damage centered around the
first floor, making the foundation structurally
unstable, and caused the rest of
the building to fall to the ground. As a result
of recent flooding events, the building
did not crumble as one might expect.
Instead, it slowly sunk into the ground.
Luckily, all of the residents were out
of the building, attending various events
held on campus at the time of the incident.
Some students watching the event
from the Baseball field compared it to
Legos, and another observed that “it was
like the building just gave up.”
In an interview, a Bates Residential
Life Staff member shared that “the worst
part is, this isn’t the worst damage we
have seen from the hall this year. At least
this time we can finally start again from
scratch.”
The cost of demolition and rebuilding
will be split between the residents,
as the perpetrator of this destruction has
not come forward to claim responsibility.
One student shared that this number
was estimated in an email sent to the
residents as “over $10,000 each.”
In a shocking turn of events, the
Bates Neurology Department has also
issued its preliminary findings on what
they are dubbing the “JB Exposure.”
They have warned of possible symptoms
caused by gas exposure including
but not limited to careless destruction
of property, irrationality, foaming at the
mouth, howling at full moons, late night
screeching, constant headaches, sleeping
longer than eight hours per night, an
early morning sore throat, other sinusrelated
issues, and more.
“It’s a really unique variety of symptoms,”
a Neuro major said to The Student
in an interview. “It really makes
you think that the recent damages can
just be attributed to a simple gas leak.”
“The intersection of all of these various
circumstances has made John Bertram
Hall the perfect almost petri dish
environment,” One of the Professors
leading the research into the new syndrome
explained. “Students have developed
symptoms that, for decades, have
contributed to the dorm’s culture and
reputation.”
If you or someone you know has
been suffering from these symptoms
the Bates Neurology Department urges
students to reach out to “jbsyndrome@
bates.edu.”
A separate survey, sent to exposed
Bates athletes, will explore if the gas
exposure has affected their performance
over their seasons.
“Cartoon”