Playwriting Summer Camp 2024 (11-13 year olds)

Introduction:
Fighting Words staff and volunteer mentors were
privileged this year to work with a disciplined, enthusiastic
and creative group of writers aged 11-13 year
olds.
For four days, we explored the craft of playwriting.
The camp included exercises on how to create a character,
how to use setting as a source of inspiration
and the importance ofcollaboration in theatre. Our
incredible mentors helped these fantastic individuals
to craft their own group scenes and individual
short plays from scratch. The work each author selected
for inclusion is collected here.To all the young
playwrights - it has been a joy working with you all.
Please keep writing and we hope to see you all again
very soon.

Content
Adrika .....................................................................................
Adrika, Florence & Mina .................................................
Bobby ......................................................................................
Bobby, Rose & Sophie .......................................................
Bronagh .................................................................................
Bronagh, Siún, & Tom.......................................................
Emily, Liam & Mason .......................................................
Eve H. S...................................................................................
Eve H. S., Saoirse, Sam, & Ivy .......................................
Eve R. ......................................................................................
Florence...................................................................................
Ivy ............................................................................................
Laura........................................................................................
Laura, Noah, & Vivienne...................................................
Liam.........................................................................................
Mason......................................................................................
Merry........................................................................................
Merry, Violet, & Mila.........................................................
Mila..........................................................................................
Mina.........................................................................................
Mya..........................................................................................
Mya, Nessa & Robyn..........................................................
Nessa........................................................................................
Noah.........................................................................................
Robyn.......................................................................................
Rose..........................................................................................
Sam..........................................................................................
Saoirse.....................................................................................
Siún..........................................................................................
Tom..........................................................................................
Vivienne..................................................................................
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161

Adrika
4

THE COFFEE SHOP
There’s something about the smell of coffee that takes me
back, back to a time when life seemed simpler, when the
world wasn’t so tainted by the shadows of venality. I remember
walking into that little café on the corner, the one with
the faded sign and the bell that chimed every time the door
opened. It was always warm inside, filled with the rich aroma
of freshly ground beans and the quiet hum of conversation.
The walls were painted in deep, inviting colours—burnt orange,
dusky blue, and olive green—each hue carefully chosen
to create a sense of comfort. There were mismatched chairs
and wooden tables, their surfaces worn smooth by countless
elbows and coffee cups. In the corner, an old radio played soft
jazz, the notes drifting through the air like wisps of a forgotten
dream.
I’d sit by the window, watching the world go by, my hands
wrapped around a steaming mug. The coffee there was unlike
any other. It was strong, bold, with just a hint of bitterness.
Each sip was a reminder of the present moment, grounding
me in a reality that felt both fleeting and eternal. We’d gather
there, friends and strangers alike, sharing stories and dreams,
our words weaving a tapestry of hope and possibility.
But those days, those vibrant, coffee-scented days, seem
so far away now. The colours have faded, the café closed
its doors, and the conversations have been silenced by the
weight of what came after. The depravity that seeped into every
corner of our lives, like a slow poison, turned our dreams
into something darker.
5

The world outside that little café became a place of shadows
and whispers, where trust was a currency too expensive to
afford.
I think of those times often, with a longing that feels like
a physical ache. The taste of coffee brings it all back— the
warmth of connection, the vividness of our hopes. But it
also reminds me of what we lost, how the bright colours of
our lives were dimmed by the creeping stain of corruption.
It infiltrated everything, like spilled ink on a cherished letter,
smudging the words and leaving only fragments of what once
was.
Now, when I drink my coffee alone, I close my eyes and try
to recapture those moments. I see the faces of those I’ve
lost touch with, hear the laughter that once filled the air, and
feel the gentle comfort of those deep, inviting colours. It’s a
bittersweet memory, tinged with the knowledge that we can
never truly go back. The café is gone, the colours have faded,
and the world has moved on, leaving behind only the ghost of
what once was.
But in my mind, I keep it alive. I hold onto those moments
of warmth and connection, even as the reality of corruption
tries to pull me down. Because in the end, it’s the memory of
those simple pleasures, the smell of coffee, the richness of
colours, that keeps me going. It reminds me that there was
once a time when things were different, and maybe, just maybe,
there can be again.
6

Adrika, Florence and
Mina
7

THE HOUSE WITCH
By Adrika, Florence and Mina
Set in 1950’s America in a suburban neighbourhood
3 young southern house wives are gathered for their weekly
cocktail, where they discuss about their husbands, except for
this week where they find a satanic ritual book plan to summon
a demon that night since their husbands were out drinking.
Ursula is obnoxiously loud and bossy
Edna is over everything
Margret is the nice killer who gossips and makes pies
SCENE1
The three women are gathered in Edna’s basement tiki bar
for their cocktail meet up.
Margaret: “ Hai yall guess what I have”
Ursula-” Hold on a second Margaret, you will not belive what
I found out my husbands been doing!”
*Margret sits down and leans in and whisper talks -”What
has he been doing?”
Ursula-” he’s been screwing the post lady”
8

Enda- “What? I thought we cursed him only last week?”
Ursula- “that meat head doesn’t know when to stop putting
his head into other people’s business”
Margaret- “ Anyways, I brought one of my special pies, does
he like arsenic flavored-oops i mean apple flavored pie?
*everyone cackles loudly
Enda- “Well, since the covens taken a break how bout we
sort this out ourselves?”
Ursula- “Well I have the perfect thing for that, guess what I
found in the library..yesterday?
*ursula pulls out a mysterious broken book
Margaret-”What’s that?”
Edna-”Top ten best ways to summon a demon”
Margaret-”How delightful!”
*Ursula filps through the book and opens on a page and
shows it to Margaret and Edna
9

*Edna and Margaret Read through the spell
Edna-”hold on I’ve already got an Ingredient for that “
*she pulls out a severed arm from under the table
Ursula and Margret- “perfect!”
SCENE2
The room is dark with a satanic star drawn with blood on the
floor
Margret-”I haven’t done this since my last husband died”
Ursula- “Go get the book Edna sweetie”
*Edna sighs and goes to get the book
*Edna starts speaking in Latin ominously
Margret- “don’t mess up now, remember the last time you
did this you ended up in hawaii”
*Ursula cackles
Red smokes appears in the room and a really short lanky
demon appears
10

Demon (Leviathan)-”YO WHATSUP YALL, ITS YOUR BOY LEVI-
ATHAN!”
Ursula, Margret and Edna- “Hiiii Leviathan”
Levi-”What do you fine ladies need from me on this dark
dimsey evening?”
Edna-”It’s 10 am in the mornin”
Levi shushes Edna aggressively
Margret-”I have a job for you great Leviathan”
*Levi blushes
Levi-”anything for you baby gorilla- shoot I mean baby girl”
Margret-”Could you kill our husbands for us pleaaasseeee?”
Ursula-”preferably the post lady too”
Levi-”don’t worry bae I got you, but you gotta give something
to me too”
Edna-”do you like pina coladas?”
11

Levi-”HELL YEAH! I HAVEN’T HAD ONE SINCE BARACK
OBAMA WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT!”
the lady’s fetch him a drink
Levi takes a sip
Levi-”DAMN THIS DRINK IS BUSSIN”
Finishes the drink
Levi-”hold on baby girls ill be back in a second”
Disappears into a cloud of smoke
5 mins later levi comes back
Levi-”job done my senoritas”
Margret-”good job levaithen”
Edna-”want another drink?”
Levi-”I thought you’d never ask me cheeks”
12

Bobby
13

Day at School
Laura Sanders carefully watched a drop of glistening sweat
run down her friend’s forehead.
Her friend glanced at her. ‘It might do you good to actually
put effort into P.E you know’ she said, panting like a dog.
Laura stared straight ahead. ‘Why run and get all sweaty
when I can walk and talk with my beautiful but perspiring
friend?’
Heather grinned. ‘You get that maths homework done?’ She
said, wiping her glistening forehead of sweat.
‘Had to’ Laura said, irritated. ‘Mr Brockwell’s an ass’
‘Well, I didn’t have to do it’
Laura looked at her friend. ‘How’d you manage that? He
wouldn’t let you off if you have a parents note.’
Heather waggled a piece of paper and grinned. ‘What about
a psychiatrist note?’
‘Give me that.’ Laura snatched the paper from her grinning
friend. ‘Heather Walsh is hereby excused from all out of
school hours work, including homework and school tours.
This is a result of being diagnosed with SEN, special educational
needs. Homework and school tours are now OPTION-
AL for this pupil. You what?’
Heather took off skipping. ‘Special needs baby!’
‘Wait so you don’t have any homework? Ever? Can I have no
homework forever?’
Heather drummed her fingers against Lauras forehead. ‘Have
you been diagnosed with SEN by your psychiatrist?’
Laura gently guided her friend’s fingers away from her fore-
14

head. ‘I don’t think I have a psychiatrist.’
‘Then no, you still have to do homework.’
‘Any day now ladies’ Mr Fallow shouted at them. Then he
addressed the entire class. ‘For homework, you must record
yourselves running for ten minutes on a two-kilometre walk.’
Heather giggled and smiled dopily at her friend. ‘Excited for
the 2k run?’ she smiled.
***
‘This is so lame’ Heather whispered. The slight rush of
air tickled Lauras ear. Heather had been taken out of her
well-conditioned art class along with the rest of the year
for a history talk. ‘If it already happened so who cares?’
Laura acknowledged her agreement with a slight incline of
the head and placed a finger on her lips. Most school talks
weren’t in Heathers interest anyway. The only talk Heather
had ever been interested in was the RSE talk where she
smuggled in a rugby ball and pretended to have a baby. ‘I’m
going to call him Piglet’ she had said. The thought of it tickled
Laura and she giggled loudly. A few students looked her
way. ‘Excuse me’ Lauras head of year asked. ‘Do you find
this topic funny?’ Laura had to use all her willpower to not
giggle some more at her year head’s bulbous frame and
bulging eyes. ‘N-no Ms Bulldame’ she said. ‘I just got the
giggles’ Bulldames eyebrows shot up but made no sound and
she stalked off. Heather clasped her hands and tried to look
scared. ‘Y-yes Ms Bulldame, ill never do anything remotely
naughty again!’ She caught her eye and Laura grinned. ‘I
stuttered because I was trying not to giggle, special girl, not
because I was scared’ Heather rolled her eyes. ‘Well, social
studies class next so buckle up loner’.
15

Bobby, Rose and
Sophie
16

SCENE 1
A Million Questions
By Bobby, Rose and Sophie
In a suburb outside London, Eve receives a text from a withheld
number
Eve (reading)
Meet me outside Starbucks at six thirty.
She Stares at the message. She starts walking to Starbucks.
When she gets there, she glances around before sitting at a
table. A portly American sits across from her and leans in.
Sam
Listen up missy because nothings goes in writing.
He Passes a bag to her under the table
Sam cont
In there is a cleaners outfit. You’ll take a taxi to the airport,
show up at the front desk, and look nervous.
Eve (grinning)
I probably will be nervous
17

Sam (ignores her comment)
You’ll be in the outfit so tell them it’s your first day on the
job. Hide in the toilets. Not the ones by the offices, the ones
by the elevator. They’re cleaned by a set of cleaners who
work different hours.
Eve
How long should I wait?
Sam
Wait about 20 minutes. Then bring the bag into the nearest
aircraft and leave. If anyone asks any questions, you are
meant to clean the plane. Could you do it?
Eve
Yes. But what happens after? What’s in the package?
Sam (shakes his head)
Don’t be stupid. Everything is on a need to know basis.
Sam gets up from the table and leaves. Eve is left sitting
alone with the bag.
SCENE 2
18

Bronagh
19

Act 1: Scene 1
Dead Body
Interior. A messy flat. There is a human shaped bundle on the
floor. BELLE is sitting on a sofa eating crisps and feeding the
crumbs to the cats. ROY enters.
Roy : (Shrieking)“Why is there a dead body on the floor?
Belle: (Casually) We didn’t kill him
Roy : (Frantic) Why does that matter…. There’s a dead body
on the floor! And who’s we?
HENRY pops his head out through the bathroom door.]
Henry : Me and her. [To Belle] Do you think ten bottles of
bleach would be enough to dissolve him?
Roy: (hysterical) Henry! Why are you dissolving him? We
need to call the cops.
Belle:(Standing up) Already done, I called Ruth half an hour
ago.
Roy: Ruth is not the police, Ruth is a serial killer. In fact, she
probably killed him [points to body]
20

Henry : Dude, relax. [Holds up two bottles of bleach] You’re
going to have a heart attack
Belle: Besides, Ruth only kills rude people. This guy isn’t rude
or wasn’t. [ nudges body with her foot]
Roy: How do you know that? Oh God!!! This isn’t Jake is it?
[Lila enters and picks up her cat]
Lila: It’s Ed
Roy : Ed as in Ed. Ed who ripped out Jay’s heart and stamped
on it?
Belle: (nods in agreement ) He dropped dead suddenly and
straight into a fire
Roy: ( calming down quickly): Well that’s alright then [sinks
down into a chair]
Henry:( yelling) If you’re done freaking out I could use some
helping here
Belle : Right, coming Gets up to help him. Looks…
21

Bronagh, Siún, Tom
22

Scene
By Bronagh, Siun and Tom
Act One: Scene one
Sound of cars passing by
Josie steals from shop police puppet chases after her
Enters
RUTH:Hey I know you,you’re the thief that stole from the
shop
J: I wouldn’t DO IT IF I DIDN’T HAVE TOO!!!!!
R: Sure!!!!! (sarcastically) That’s what they all say.
J: Please, I’m only doing it because my sister is sick.
R: ( Hesitantly) What’s wrong with her?
J: She’s always coughing but it’s gotten a lot worse, there’s
blood on her mouth this morning.
R: Where‘s your parents?
23

J: They’re gone.
Before Ruth can ask another question, Josie runs off stage.
Scene Two
Ruth follows Josie home but Josie doesn’t realise.
Bonnie is lying on the floor drawing
J:I got you the markers you wanted
B:Who are you?
Ruth: I KNEW YOU WERE LYING!!!! I’M CALLING THE COPS
End Scene
24

Emily, Liam and
Mason
25

Scene One
The Funeral
By Emily, Liam and Mason
The coffin is processed down the church the mother is behind
grieving
the deceased sister deirdre whispered loudly.
Sister-STOP I know you never cared!
Mother-I don’t know what you talking about
Sister-We never deserved a mother like you Everytime we
did something wrong you used to hit us
Mother-Shut up your running my funeral
Friend-mrs quinn this is your sons funeral he was my Bestfriend
They prance down the aisle
26

Scene 2
(The mother is seen smirking)
Sister-get that dirty rotten face off ye
friend-LADIES THIS IS NOT A COURTROOM LEAVE IT OUT
SISTER-You don’t know nothing of what she done to us
mother-I wished i gave you to the nuns years ago.
Sister-It should be you in that coffin god you where dead you
spiteful auld bitch
The sister storms out of the church
Scene 3
The mother holds her head
Friend -mrs quinn stop it your so dramatic do you realise
where you are
27

(the mother goes to hit the friend and she trips and falls on
the coffin)
BANG!
The woman screams the sister runs back in
Deirdre-Oh my god what happened
friend -let’s just say she is with the devil Deirdre and nothing
more
28

Eve H. S.
29

Where is the play set?
Stupid Will!
The drawing room of Mount Manor.
When is the play set?
2015 February 24 th
Who is in the play?
Connie Mount
Personality: Full of herself
Place in family: Eldest of three sisters
Age: Thirty-eight
Haley Mount
Personality: Peacemaker
Place in family: Youngest of three sisters
Age: Thirty
Eileen Mount
Personality: Snarky
Place in family: Second oldest of three sisters
Age: Thirty-five
30

Mr. Roberts
Profession: Will reader
Personality: Cheerful
What is happening in scene 1?
Connie, Eileen and Haley are talking about what their
father left them in the will.
SCRIPT
Scene one
Act one
Setting
A woman is sitting on a couch sipping a cup of tea.
Movement
Another woman enters from upstage left and sits on the
couch.
Dialogue
Eileen: Haley, my dear sister, how have you been?
Haley: Oh you know, same as always.
31

Eileen: I’m sorry to hear that. Not that you asked but I have
been simply wonderful. Arnold and I went to Hawaii just last
month.
Movement
Another woman enters from upstage left. Eileen stands up.
Dialogue
Connie: Eileen. You’re looking well.
Eileen: I wish the same could be said about you.
Connie: (Harrumph) Do you have anything nice to say to your
dear older sister?
(Pause)
Eileen: You don’t look a day over 50.
Connie: (Dramatic gasp) You witch! I’m only 38!
Eileen: What a shame.
Movement
Connie pushes past Eileen and sits down next to Haley. Eileen
sits on the couch as well.
Dialogue
Connie: I overheard Father and Mr. Roberts talking one night.
I know what he’s left us. His 15 karat ring, his solid gold
watch and his house.
32

Haley: (Spits out tea) His house? As in Mount Manor? Where
we are right now?
Connie: Yeah, if I was left with this scrapheap I’d sell it right
away.
Eileen: I know. It’s so run down, moss is growing on the inside!
Connie: I want the ring. It used to be Leonardo da Vinci’s you
know.
Eileen: Are you stupid? The watch is the obvious choice. It’s
worth way more than that dumb ring.
Connie: Actually no I’m not stupid for your information.
Eileen: You are if you would actually pick the ring over the
watch.
(Inaudible arguing)
Movement
Haley stands up and walks to centre stage.
Monologue
Haley: I hope I get Mount Manor. I’m sick of being overlooked.
If I lived here I would finally get the recognition I deserve.
I would be an upper-class citizen. What does it matter
if Father left all his money to my older brother Ryan? I could
live in a mansion! (Squeals)
33

Dialogue
Connie and Eileen are still arguing.
Haley: STOP IT!
Connie and Eileen stop immediately.
Haley: You ignorant women! We are supposed to be mourning
not moaning! And if you had one ounce of self-respect
you would get a hold of yourselves and stop fighting for one
second.
Connie: Haley, I am deeply ashamed of my behaviour.
Haley: I don’t want to hear it. Mr. Roberts should be here
soon to do the will.
(Knock on door)
Eileen: Come in!
Movement
Mr. Roberts enters from upstage left.
Dialogue
Mr. Roberts: Hello. Shall we?
Haley: Certainly.
Movement
The sisters sit down on the couch and Mr. Roberts sits down
on a chair.
34

Dialogue
Mr. Roberts: To you, Connie Amelia Mount, John left his 15
karat ring as in hope you marry well.
Movement
Mr. Roberts hands Connie a ring.
Dialogue
Mr. Roberts: To you, Eileen Beth Mount, John left his solid
gold watch in hope you’re never late again.
Movement
Mr. Roberts hands Eileen a watch.
Dialogue
Haley: (Quietly) Yes!
Mr. Roberts: And to you. Haley Elizabeth Mount, John left his
pet mouse, in hope you feed it. (laughs) How delightful.
Haley: What?!
Movement
Mr. Roberts hands a box to Haley.
35

Dialogue
Mr. Roberts: That’s all.
Movement
Eileen exits. Mr. Roberts gets up to leave. Haley stops him.
Dialogue
Haley: Who got Mount Manor?
Mr. Roberts: You brother Ryan.
Haley: Oh.
Mr. Roberts: Well, goodbye then.
Movement
Mr. Roberts exits. Connie starts tip toeing off the stage behind
him. Haley grabs Connie’s shoulder.
Dialogue
Haley: (Shouts) You said HOUSE not MOUSE!
Connie: I must have misheard. The door muffled Mr. Roberts
and Father’s voices.
Haley: (Growls)
36

Movement
Connie exits, leaving Haley on the centre of the stage.
Monologue
Haley: This is the worst day of my life. I HATE MICE!
End Scene
37

Eve H. S., Saoirse,
Sam, and Ivy
38

Scene
By Saoirse, Sam, Eve and Ivy
Doctor: Oh I’m so sorry but your husband got wounded, very
badly, and he has sadly died. He was killed in the intense
combat around El Petra
Edel: [gasps] He’s dead? [sobs]
Edel sinks to the ground.
Narrator: Memories of her husband floated back to her
Edel grabs the doctor
Edel: Violet must not know of this until the war is over
Doctor: You can’t keep it from her forever! But you shouldn’t
tell her right now.
Edel: [nods] Can I see his body? [tears]
Doctor: nods solemnly, opens door and gestures her to follow
Doctor and Edel enter a bare room. In the room is a bed with
Clifford’s body covered by a white sheet. Edel runs over to
the body and cries.
All exit stage
Narrator: 3 months later, at Amelia’s house
39

Amelia: Violet, what terrible news!
Violet: I can’t believe he’s gone!
End Scene
40

Eve R.
41

A Beachy Day
( Mandy set up her pull out chair and her water bottle beside
her as ethan sets up a mat beside her and starts blasting a
workout mix )
MANDY: Umm excuse me..? ( quiet ) Excuse me!! ( louder )
ETHAN: Huh? What do you want, lady?
MANDY: My name is Mandy, not lady!!
ETHAN: Whatever.. I’m trying to workout, yeah?
MANDY: I can clearly see that you’re trying.. But can you use
headphones?
ETHAN: No, I didn’t bring them
MANDY: Oh my god…
( Ethan sprints on the spot and kicks sand all over mandy )
MANDY: CAN YOU PLEASE STOP THAT
42

ETHAN: No, I can’t.
MANDY: Ugh I came here just today and look what it got
me!!
ETHAN: Not my problem I guess.
( Mandy grabs his speaker and jumps on it, leaving a big
crack down the middle )
ETHAN: HEY!! THAT WAS €72.99 !!
MANDY: Oh well
ETHAN: I can’t believe this..
( Ethan loads up a bucket of sand and dumps it on mandys
head )
MANDY: I JUST GOT MY HAIR DONE !!
ETHAN: Oh well
MANDY: I can’t believe I let Rachel talk me into sunbathing.
43

Never again EVER
( ethan continues his workout with a smile as mandy packs
up her stuff )
MANDY: You are so not getting away with this
ETHAN: What…?
( Mandy picks up her water bottle and pours it all over ethan
)
ETHAN: YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT
MANDY: I have to go now! Have a nice workout!!
( Mandy makes her way off the beach and leaves Ethan
standing behind her. A few minutes later a blonde girl walks
down to him looking around for someone )
SCENE2
WOMAN: What happened to you? You’re dripping . You haven’t
seen a girl, brown eyes and black hair have you?
44

ETHAN: I have.. why..? And some girl came over to terrorize
me..
WOMAN: What was her name?
ETHAN: Oh I forget Sandy or something.
WOMAN: I know my friend would never pour water on
someone. I’m Rachel by the way
ETHAN: I’m Ethan
( Rachel sets up her stuff and lays down )
RACHEL: So what happened with this girl?
ETHAN: She didn’t like me or my music I guess haha she was
annoying and crazy.
RACHEL: Oh.. I don’t see why she didn’t like you you seem so
nice
ETHAN: I know I’m a very likable person and that stupid girl
broke my speaker
45

RACHEL: God, sometimes people can be sooo annoying
( Rachel gets a text )
RACHEL: That’s my friend, she said that she was with some
tool on the beach so she left. I texted her to come back
ETHAN: Ugh I don’t know why someone would ruin some
girls’ sunbathing experience right?
RACHEL: Yeah I don’t know.. She said he was doing his workout
right beside her… wait what did u say that girls name
was?
ETHAN: Oh it was sandy or mandy or something
RACHEL: Wait.. No way it can’t be you mandy was talking
about
( Mandy is seen walking back onto the beach )
MANDY: Rachel what are you doing with him? I just told you
how he annoyed me! Come on we’re leaving
RACHEL: Yeah let’s go!! Wait he called you annoying and crazy
and you got sand all over her!!! I am so not leaving with-
46

out revenge!
( Rachel grabs a handful of sand to put in his soaking wet
shoes and laughs )
ETHAN: OH MY GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE NICE BUT YOUR
MENTAL TOO!! NO WONDER YOU GUYS ARE FRIENDS
MANDY: Llet’s go
RACHEL: Yeah he was a dope anyway
End Scene
47

Florence
48

Breaking Point
In This instance Alaia is faced by her family, fury and rage
taking over their mind, Allianz feeling betrayed and forgotten
but she knows deep down that she can convince them
to be on her side
A:THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE IM HERE POURING MY
HEART OUT TO YOU AND YOURE SAYING “THATS NOT THE
KIND OF BEHAVIOUR WE HAVE IN THIS FAMILY” WHAT IS
THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN, WHEN MIRANDA PULLED
THE FIRE ALARM AT SCHOOL SHE DIDN’T GET THIS LECTURE
WHEN JAKE PUNCHED A GIRL AND PUT HER IN THE HOSPITAL
ALL IS WELL BUT ME GETTING 1 SINGULAR F ON SOMESTU-
PID POP QUIZ IS WHAT PUSHES YOU OVER THE LINE, EVEN
WHEN UNCLE JOHN GOT ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO HOOK
UP WITH A 18 YEAR OLD GIRL AT A STRIP CLUB AFTER GAM-
BLING AWAY ALL HIS MONEY WE STILL ENVITE HIM OVER ON
HOLIDAYS, MAYBE IF YOU TWO WHERE MORE FOCUSED ON
ACTUALLY BEING PARENTS THEN MAYBE I WOULD’VE BEEN
ABLE TO STUDY INSTEAD OF TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHIL-
DREN, DID YOU KNOW THAT MIRANDA IS BEING BULLIED OR
OR THAT JAKE ALMOST GOT A GIRL PREGNANT LAST MONTH
OR THAT JANE’S TEACHER THINKS SHE NEEDS GLASSES NOW
OR EVEN THAT EVAN IS INCREDIBLY TALENTED IN MUSIC
AND HES DESTINED TO DO AMAZING THINGS IF ONLY YOU
WHERE TO HELP HIM. But no, of course you don’t, because
you where too busy having cocktails with millionaires on
your latest little holiday to some random exotic getaway, just
having fun as if you don’t have children at home who where
suffering without you
49

A’s father: Okay fine,maybe we haven’t been the best parents
of all time but we’ll be better we promise
A: How can I be so sure
A’s mother: Darling, we promise
A: Save it,I don’t need your promises
Alaia storms off and her parents share a look of worry and
guilt as they watch their firstborn daughter leave to most
probably never be seen again.
End Scene
50

Ivy
51

Characters:
Money Tale
Bank Teller J, 35
Bail Jumper K, 43
Customer B, 33
ACT I
Scene 1
It is a high street bank. Lights go up.
Bank Teller J:
I can’t give you any money
Bail Jumper: Give it to me!
Bank Teller J:
I told you I can’t
52

ACT I
Scene 2
Bank Teller J:
Please don’t do this to me!
Bail Jumper K:
I’ll do it if it’s the last thing I do!
Bank Teller J:
OK, I’ll get you the money sir.
ACT I
Scene 3
Bank Teller J:
Go, go, go now.
Bail Jumper K:
Thanks pop, but remember, please me.
53

ACT I
Scene 4
Bank Teller J:
Goodbye sir.
Bail Jumper K:
I’ll see you again, I hope.
ACT I
Scene 5
Customer B: Hello, can I make a withdrawal please.
Bank Teller J:
You certainly can.
Customer B: Thank you very much sir.
Bank Teller J:
Goodbye sir, and thank you very much.
THE END
54

Laura
55

Small Steps
Setting:
During the moon landing. 1969, in Cabra, Dublin.
Characters:
Ruth, age 8, and Mary Kate, age 68.
Scene opens as Ruth “comes downstairs” (enters upstage
right) into the living room, where Mary Kate is already sitting
on a couch.
Mary Kate: Hiya, sweetheart.
Ruth: (yawning) H-EYE grandma.
Mary Kate: Now, now, you have to stay awake, darlin’.
(Mary Kate pats the space beside her on the couch. Ruth sits
down.)
Ruth: I know but- (Ruth yawns again)
Mary Kate: This is a historic moment, y’know,
Ruth: (Interrupting) I know, I know, I love space.
Mary Kate: Well then, don’t have your mam send you to
bed, now.
56

Ruth: (doubtfully) She wouldn’t, she wouldn’t!
(Mary Kate looks at Ruth and playfully raises an eyebrow.
Ruth looks over at her and then giggles)
Ruth: (still giggling) Oh don’t tell!
(Mary Kate mimes locking her mouth shut with a key a placing
it safely in her pocket)
Mary Kate: Don’t worry darlin’. You’ll see the moon landing.
(Ruth looks doubtful and yawns again)
Mary Kate: Don’t give me that look, Ruthie. I’m her mother I
don’t have to tell her nothin’!
(Suddenly the television crackles attracting their attention)
T.V presenter: This is a moment to forever remember. The
best of wishes are with the brave crew of Apollo11 as they
will soon become the first men on the moon.
Ruth: Has there ever been women on the moon then, Grandma?
57

Mary Kate: Take it from me, no. The world is a hard place for
women.
(Mary Kate looking melancholy.)
Ruth: Bu-but what about Ms. Tereshkova? Y’know, the first
woman in space?
Mary Kate: Ruth, sweetheart, I’m impressed you know about
her but, remember,we don’t talk about the Russians. Think
of America! Think of your great auntie!
(Ruth looks distraught)
Ruth: Women- women should be on this mission.
Mary Kate: Too right, darlin’, too right. You’ve got a better
mind then all of those silly men makin’ those decisions. They
need to remember that small steps is the key.
(The T.V suddenly blares and Mary Kate and Ruth turn their
heads in surprise)
T.V: Apollo 11 is about to land.
(Mary Kate and Ruth are engrossed)
58

Ruth: (excitedly) Any second now!
(It takes a while for the rocket to land. Ruth is now getting
sleepy and is now snuggled up against Mary Kate)
Mary Kate: Come on, Ruthie, watch. You’ve been looking
forward to this for ages.
(As Ruth watches them land her face lights up)
Ruth: (dreamily yet confidently) When I’m older I’m gonna
got to the moon.
Mary Kate: You will, darlin’, I believe in you. You have every
right in the whole goddamned world to do just that. You go
and make history, my sweet.
(Ruth smiles, barely able to keep her eyes open)
Ruth: I’ll make you proud, grandma.
Mary Kate: You will, no matter what you do, darlin’.
(The last thing Ruth sees before she falls asleep is the rocket
landing. Mary Kate makes no effort to wake her)
T.V: That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for man-
59

kind.
Mary Kate: (whispering to Ruth) Go and break through
mould, Ruth. It’s only small steps.
I believe in you.
Mary Kate closes her eyes and falls asleep.
THE END.
60

Laura, Noah, and
Vivienne
61

A.I
By Noah, Vivienne and Laura
Lindsay and Kylie, sisters, ordering their meals on plane before
take off. On the way to America, the year is 2054.
Lindsay: What do you think you’re gonna get?
Kylie: I dunno, everything here looks absolutely vile.
Rob: (speaks with no accent, in a monotone voice.) Please
make a decision regarding your choice of food.
Lindsay: I suppose I’ll try… ehh…. The smartphone sandwich.
Rob: Much appreciated.
Kylie: I’ll see if I can manage some of those jellyfish chips?
Rob: Is that a question or a state……….
Kylie: (whispering to lindsay) oh my god, what’s going on?
Lindsay: No, don’t worry, this plane is totally safe.
Rob: (too loudly) -MENT
ACT 1, Scene 2.
Engines are starting, pilots talk before take off.
Andy: (thick American accent, still quite monotone): Attention
all passengers! We are now embarking to The -still- United
States of America, from Dublin Airport. I will be your pilot
for todays flight. I will now hand you over to flight attendant
Rob.
62

Rob: My most sincere thanks to Captain Andy Samsung. Now,
please give me your utmost attention as I outline the safety
measures you must comply with as you are on this aircraft.
ACT 1, Scene 3.
Kylie and Lindsay whispering during the safety talk.
Kylie: How come he just stopped for a second?
Lindsay: Yeah, it’s kinda weird…
Ķylie: He’s so monotone too, he doesn’t sound real.
Lindsay: And he talks so formally as well.
Kylie: D’you think?
Lindsay: Let’s call him over to check.
Kylie and Lindsay: Rob!!!
Rob: Salutations, how may I be of assistance?
Lindsay: Hi, eh, Rob, erm, wha-what, I mean, what’s your
favourite colour?
Rob: I am unable to possess personal preferences.
Kylie: We need to see Captain Andy immediately…
63

ACT 1, Scene 4.
Lindsay: Do you want to knock or Will I?
Kylie: You go ahead.
They knock.
Andy: How can I be of service, passengers?
Kylie: Captain, we have something important to tell you.
Lindsay: Yeah, REALLY important.
Kylie: We think..
Lindsay: We KNOW…
Kylie: That Rob’s a robot.
Andy: So… you finally figured out our secret…
Mysterious Voice Over Intercom: AI will rule the world…
Blackout.
64

Liam
65

The War of Lies
5 british soldiers In a forest Germany ww2 july 1945
Soldier 1 so you know what to do okay.
Soldier 2 wait what do I do?
Soldier 3 come on already he said it like a thousand times)
Soldier 1 fine one more time OK
Soldier 2 OK
Soldier 1 so you go out and shoot him you throw the grenade
if they try to escape
Connor/ OK I have my sniper ready
Jamie/ OK here they come tell the commander were in place
and ready
(Walkie-talkie) cubechuecbceihi bang
66

Connor / no no no come on
Soldier 1 HEY WHAT’S GOING ON WERE GONNA GET OUR
COVER BLOWN
Jamie/ quick there COMING
Connor i don’t know what’s happening to it
Soldier 3/ no we’re all going to die
Soldier 2 get it together
( German soldiers start running towards them)
Soldier 1 / OPEN FIREEEE
( BANG BANG BOOM ?)
Jamie nooo I missed.
Connor RUN FOR YOUR LIVES .
67

( Soldier 1 gets shot down and Soldier 2 and 3 go together
and Connor and Jamie stay together)
Soldier 2 I think we lost them
Soldier 3 wait are they British soldiers
Soldier 2 Hey hey over here
Soldier 2 that’s not British soldiers that’s more Germans
(BANG PEW PEW PEW )
( Both Soldier 1 and 2 got shot down sadly while Connor and
Jamie get to escape and hide in a ruined building)
SOLDIER 1 AND 2 STAGER OFF STAGE
Jamie I think we’re safe here for now
Connor let hope so
Jamie If we want to stay here we will have to find food and
drinks )
68

Connor I guess so let’s hope we don’t have to stay here for to
long
Scene 2
A few months later, in an abandoned building.
Jamie and Connor managed to stay alive until September and
find food and supplies at a nearby abandoned out
THE NEXT DAY
Jamie: Hey why were there German soldiers at the door ?
You want to tell me something.
Connor: I’m sorry you had to find out like this
Jamie: Where are you going with this
Connor: I am a spy for the Germans
Jamie: WHAT we were best friends since we were young I
trusted you
Connor: It’s not my fault they would have killed me if I didn’t
the mission
69

Jamie falls to his knees.
Jamie: No this is a dream,I’m asleep right now.
Connor: Trust me you are very awake right now. You were
such an easy target. First I acted like your friend then I dig my
way in.
Jamie: I HATE YOU
Connor I’m not surprised
( Jamie sees a gun and runs for it . They start to fight, but
suddenly Bang
Connor drops dead )
Jamie: Why did you have to make me do this? Pause, He
speaks through the Walkie-talkie. Leave the area the war is
over I repeat the war is over.
End Scene
70

Mason
71

Characters:
Priest
Erin
Lorraine
Amanda
Taylor
Alannah
Andrew
George
Robert
The Final Funeral
Scene One
We open in the church gardens the audience is behind the
actors all walk into the church to the song Someone like You
by Adele
The audience take their seats while the main cast sit at the
front. The audience will be assigned groups to be with.
Priest: Ladies and gentleman we would like to welcome to
this celebration of life of Margaret O’Leary. Her remarkable
life resulted in 17 children 50 grandchildren and 56 greatgrandchildren
and 2greatgreatgrandchildren. First we would
72

like to call upon the gifts brought up by Erin,Loraine,Amanda,
Taylor and Maddison.
Erin-picture
Loraine-kindle
Amanda-Mayfair superking
Taylor-Booklet
Maddison-phone
Priest: Thank you ladies, now Margaret valued friendship
very dearly her longest and best friend Alannah to say a
poem
Alannah: sister and best friend poem
That’s what friends are for by Dionne Warwick
Priest: we will now have the readings then the eulogy. We
invite up Andrew George Paul mark and William
Andrew: lord we pray for my nanny as well as my ma Lisa my
aunties Stacey and Marion as well as my uncles Jordan and
Austin
George: we would like to pray for Eddie the love of my nan-
73

ny’s life in her final years
Paul: we pray for my niece Lorraine yo looked after my ma
when she was ill
Mark: we pray for my mams grandchildren and greatgrandchildren
who gave mam so much joy.
William: we pray for the students and staff at st.vincints boys
junior boys school who gave mam something to do for these
last 46 years
Priest: We now invite Robert to give the eulogy
Robert: thank you all for coming today mam was actually
born in London but she hid this for years I only found out in
1999. Mams ma died when she was 10 and her and her siblings
flew to los angles
She had all of us over 30 years and she married twice when
Jordan passed mam raised his ands girlfriend baby who also
died she done the same for Stacey son who isa now married
mam began working n the school in 1978 and quickly realised
she loved it mam was deeply affected when my siblings
dd last year but Eddie who she married 13 years ago looked
after her mam spent her last month’s traveling her one true
passion rip ma
74

Priest: thank you Robert now I invite outside to let off the
ballons
Everyone exits building behind coffin and goes outside
To the song: the power of love Celine Dion
Audience can pay respect at grave
The song the Winner takes it all happens at burial
75

Merry
76

Scene 1
The Bell Never Rings
[An Empty class room April is washing herself in the sink]
April: I hope blood doesn’t stain
Speaker: April Evans pleas report to the principal’s office
that’s April Evans
April: Hi Bella!!!
Beck: Its Beck now
April: Hmm, I like your hair
Beck: That’s why I’m here
[she fake smiles]
The principal’s waiting room
[Two girls are waiting]
April: Oh it sucks you can’t dye your hair here
Beck: Well that’s Catholic school for you
April: Yeah
Beck: Well what could have you ever done to get here
April: I didn’t do my homework
[Beck looks unimpressed]
The principal: Rebecca come in
[Beck enters the principal office. A tall 3rd year a guy enters
the waiting room]
The guy: Hey what’s a pretty girl like you doing here?
77

April: I murdered somebody
[She smiles, gets up and leaves the guy looks shocked]
Principal: Where is April Evans?
Scene 2
2 days later beside the bins outside school
Friends 1: Miss bell wasn’t in science class today
Beck: I hard she resigned
The guy: Or maybe she was killed [he laughs]
Friend 1: Like murdered?
Beck: You being stupid we are in the most boring school ever
The guy: the Rathdowney Academy for Catholic and Gifted
Children might have a dark secret
Beck: What kind of dark secret?
The guy: Hm interesting! I heard something…
Beck: Come on tell us
The guy: Anybody seen April?
[The bell rings]
Friends 1: We should go rehearse before Friday
The guy: I still can’t believe we are going to be onstage as a
band
Beck: Is there something you’re not telling us?
The guy: We should not get distracted from our performance
Friend 1: We need to go are we will be late again
78

[the group leaves]
Scene 3
[April is sitting on her bed writing in her diary]
April: Miss Bell she should have known better then to have
threatened me! When she accused me of cheating it brought
it all back. This was supposed to be a posh place where I was
supposed to be treated better but apparently they are all the
same. She deserved every thing she got. If they look they will
never find her…..
Blackout
79

Merry, Violet, Mila
80

Characters:
SCARLET - 14 years old.
EVE - 5 years old
The Camping Trip
By Merry, Violet and Mila
DAVY - 31 years old mother. She got divorced so she has
taken to the bottle. Davy is Mom. Husband has ran off with
Eve’s kindergarten teacher (Ms. Daisy aged 25 - she is like Ms
Honey from Matilda)
Scene One opens with Eve, Davy and Scar travelling in car on
way to campsite.
Eve: I need to pee
Davy: Here take this [hands Eve a wine bottle because it’s
handy].
SCARLET: Oh my god that’s soooo gross. I think I’m gonna
throw up.
DAVY: Stop talking and deal with your sister.
SCAR: No leave me alone (Puts on headphones)
81

DAVY: Watch the way you talk to me. Show me some respect
young lady. (Swerves to avoid oncoming car.) My God I can’t
believe they let these idiots on the road. (Takes swig of alcohol)
EVE: Why is the road so bumpy. Did you run over someone
again?
[Reaches around for wine bottle accidentally takes drink
from urine bottle.]
[20 MINUTES LATER]
DAVY: [Kicks Car]. Stupid car. Can’t believe he left with two
stupid children and a terrible car.
EVE: Did you know Ms. Daisy never drinks and she never ran
anyone over
DAVY: Ms Daisy doesn’t have kids like you.
SCARLET: We need to get there in 10 minutes. I’m gonna call
Dad and Ms. Daisy to collect us. I’m sure they have a car that
works
[DAVY knocks back wine bottle and throws it at Scarlet’s feet]
82

[They carry their luggage. Luggage is open leaving trail of
clothes.]
DAVY: Scarlet I told you to…
End Scene
83

Mila
84

Story:
It all started on a dark and stormy night, Tara was at home
making dinner for herself as her mom was out. She was eating
her dinner when her house phone started to ring. That
weirded her out because her mom would call her phone and
nobody would call at … (she looked at the grandfather clock
her mom was so desperate to buy) 10:03! She went to pick
up the phone anyways, only to be greeted by a strange voice.
“Hello Tara,” the man said, “Is your mom home?”
Tara didn’t see the wrong in answering the man, since it was
probably her mom’s new boyfriend.
“Nope, she’s gone out,” she replied.
“Oh is she now,” he said, dragging out the last word.
“Yes,” she said sternly. “I can tell her ya called though,”
she added
“No need. Can I just ask you Tara, what’s your favorite
scary movie?”
“Well, Saw is pretty good but it’s pretty underrated,”
she said, putting the phone down immediately after realizing
that she shouldn’t be talking to this man, only to go upstairs
and immediately witnessing somthins that was as if it came
straight from her worst nightmares…
Story:
Dear diary 15/05/2023
- Sarah here! Today hasn’t been the best for 2 reasons
- 1. We found out there’ll be a parent-teacher
meeting tomorrow.
85

- 2. Me and Lola got in a big argument.
- Me and Lola never argue but today she went to far.
She shouldn’t have done that, it was mean and selfish!
Dear diary 16/05/2023
- Follow on.
- She should be apologizing to ME but here I am at
school at 6:00 with mom and dad for the parent-teacher
meeting even though they let me stay home. It may
look very weird that I’m writing while walking but it
helps with the fact that I’m lost in my own school.
- WTF did I just walk in on bro I can’t explain but I think
someone is sleeping on the floor.
Dear Diary 17/05/2023
- I’m such an idiot. After I ended my writing because I
saw Lola and Molly coming, we walk into a room to
talk (don’t ask why Molly was STILL there) they saw
the body… I don’t know what happened except that
I’m not guilty!!!
86

Mina
87

1,2,3 and Jump!
Nikolai:A very energetic Ukrainian who is a partner in crime
with Fyodor. They take down corrupt organizations. He is 26
years old.
Fyodor:A very calm Russian who is manipulative and partners
in crime with Nikolai. He is 26 years old.
Fyodor walks into the tall building and looks around for Nikolai.
He spots him leaning against the wall of the bank. Nikolai
spots Fyodor and smiles. Fyodor walks past him and Nikolai
hands fyodor a small black pouch. Fyodor continues walking
until he gets to a stairway.
Nikolai-”Sir you dropped this!”
Nikolai waves a wallet in the air and walks over to Fyodor.
Fyodor-”Thank you Sir,”
Nikolai-”It’s no problem!”
They share hands and Nikolai leans in to whisper.
88

Nikolai-”There are 5 men on each floor, all armed”
Fyodor-”Thank you Kolya,”
They let go of eachother and walk away in the other direction.
Fyodor started walking up the stairs until he was
stopped by a guard.
Guard No.1- “Sorry you’re not allowed in here,”
Fyodor-” Oh I’m sorry, I’m the new enforcer of the vault.
Fyodor handed him the wallet that Nikolai gave him. The
guard inspected his wallet and let him through. Fyodor
looked back and Nikolai and Nikolai winked, Fyodor smiled
and turned back to walk up the stairs. He walked up the
stairs and found the first set of guards.
Fyodor-”Privet, comrades.”
He pulls out a mini handgun from the pouch that Nikolai
gave him and shoots the first guard. The other guards aim
but before they could Nikolai came over and slashed them
all. Nikolai walked over the Fyodor and held his hand, it was
covered in blood.
89

Nikolai-”The guards on the second floor should be knocked
out by now! They will be so easy to manipulate and question
now! Are you proud of me yet Fedya?”
Fyodor-”Yes well done dear,”
Nikolai smiles ecstatically, and clenches on Fyodor’s hand
even more.
Fyodor-”Nikolai, you’re getting my hands covered in blood,”
Nikolai lets go of Fyodor’s hand. Fyodor takes a handkerchief
out of his pocket and wipes them
Nikolai-”I’m sorry Fedya,”
He puts his head down and sulks.
Fyodor-”Don’t sulk now Kolya, we have work to do,”
Fyodor smiles wickedly and Nikolai brings his head up. Nikolai
smiles a wide smile.
Nikolai-”’Kay!”
90

They continue up the stairs. Nikolai is bouncing up and down.
They arrive on the second floor where there are 4 guards
sleeping.
Nikolai-”Thank god the cameras are out for today, otherwise
this would’ve been a LOT harder than it is now!”
Nikolai walks over to one of the guards and pokes him with
his blood stained knife. He is unresponsive.
Nikolai-”Ugh, I guess I’ll do this the hard way,”
Nikolai puts his hand over the guard’s mouth and slashes
both of the guard’s thighs with his knife. The guard screams
into Nikolai’s hand, muffling the scream. Nikolai sighs.
Nikolai-”Can you PLEASE shut up?”
Fyodor walks over to the guard and kneels in front of the
guard in front of Nikolai. He stares a deathly stare at the
guard.
Fyodor-”I have a question for you comrade, Nikolai let him
speak.”
Nikolai removes his hand from the guard’s mouth.
91

Guard 2-”WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!”
Fyodor-”You’re going to tell me the code for the vault whether
you like it or not, you got it?”
Guard 2-”and why the HELL WOULD I DO THAT? “
Fyodor smiles menacingly.
Fyodor-”Nikolai dear, you would enjoy torturing him a little
more wouldn’t you?”
Fyodor turns his head to Nikolai.
Nikolai-”Of course! I would love to, Fyodor!”
The guard gulps loudly. Fyodor turns to face the guard.
Fyodor-”So you’re going to tell us, got it?”
Guard 2-”Like hell I would!”
The guard’s hand visibly starts shaking.
92

Nikolai-”Say, which arm do you like better? I’d say we should
get rid of the right one, since it’s shaking so much?”
Guard 2-”W-what?”
Nikolai-”The right arm it is!”
Nikolai grabs his knife and digs it into the right arm of the
guard. The guard’s left arm has regained consciousness and
tries too stab Nikolai with a small Swiss army knife. Fyodor
notices this and slices the left arm off with his mini handgun.
Fyodor-”Don’t you dare.”
Fyodor points the gun at the guard. Nikolai stares at Fyodor.
Nikolai-”Eeeek! Thank you so much Fedya!”
He takes the knife out of the guard’s arm and hugs Fyodor.
Fyodor turns to the guard, Nikolai still hugging him.
Fyodor-”So? How about your ears next?”
Guard 2-”N-no please I’ll tell you just….please…”
93

Fyodor-”Go on then,”
Guard 2-”It’s 11037”
Fyodor-”Good, coming Kolya.”
Nikolai-”Okidoki!”
They get up and head to the next flight of stairs.
Fyodor-”We’re almost done now,”
Nikolai-”Awhh…can we go to get food after this?”
Fyodor-”Of course, how about Solyanka?”
Nikolai-”Oooo OK!”
They find the last set of guards playing a game of cards on
the floor. Nikolai hides on the stairway.
Guard 3-” Awh coming man! Why’d you go and put down
a 2! And why did you put down a 7! Are you guys targeting
me?!”
94

Guard 4-”Oh we’re not!”
Guard 5 and 6 laugh.
Guard 7-” Hey who are you?!”
All five guards stand up and stare at Fyodor.
Fyodor-”I’m here to enforce the code and bolts on the door.”
Guard 5-”Oh yeah I forgot about that!”
Guard 4-”Wasn’t that tomorrow?”
Guard 7-”Yeah…”
Fyodor walks over and shows them a briefcase he’s been
carrying around. He sets it in front of them and walks back to
the stairway. They curiously open it only to hear beeps. Inside
was a small bomb, it explodes, only killing them.
Fyodor-”That should’ve woken the guards downstairs, let’s
go.”
95

Nikolai gets up and follows Fyodor to the door. Fyodor enters
the code and the vault opens. He places the small pouch in
the vault.
Fyodor-”The guards should be here any minute, let’s head to
the roof.”
Nikolai-”Okayyyyy!”
They run to the next flight stairs onto the roof, the guards
following him.
Fyodor-” Alright Kolya, ready?”
Nikolai-”Yup!”
Nikolai grabbed Fyodor’s hand,
Nikolai-”1,2,3 and Jump!”
They leap off the stage and it goes dark.
FIN
96

Mya
97

An Unexpected Guest. . .
NASA Sound System: T-minus 3 minutes to launch.
Ava: *slowly becomes conscious and groans holding her
head*
Ava: Whahhappened. . . Where am I? . . . *Ava looks around
the dark room in confusion, grey boxes lined the walls from
top to bottom.*
NASA Sound System: T-minus 2 minutes to launch.
Ava: *suddenly alert grows more worried about what’s going
on*
Ava: What the. .*louder*. . Where am I?!
NASA Sound System: T-minus 60 seconds to launch.
Ava: *Slowly realises where she is and starts to panic*
Ava: No…No.. no no no! No, I’m not meant to be here! Stop!
You can’t launch! Not with me here!
NASA Sound System: T-minus 40 seconds to launch.
Ava: *rushes around the room trying to find a door or anything
at all*
Ava: I at least need a suit, otherwise I’ll be boiled!
NASA Sound System: T-minus 30 seconds to launch. Prepare
for launch.
Ava: *finds spare a suit in a storage cupboard*
Ava: Ok, at least I won’t boil alive now. *quickly she puts on
the light wear clothes and water thermals*
NASA Sound System: T-minus 20 seconds to launch.
98

Ava: *races out the door and finds the control room where
the seats are, strapping herself in she looks around and finds
a boy around her age staring back at her with a shocked expression*
Space Boy: Whah…..Wait…What?! Wait, you shouldn’t be
here! What are you doing, we’re launching now!
Ava: Yes…I know that I don’t know why I’m here. I woke up
and had three minutes to get myself safe!
NASA Sound System: T-minus 10 seconds to launch.
9….8….7….6…..
Ava: Ok we’ll figure this out later for now….well let’s just
survive for now….
(The boosters kick in and the rocket starts to shake)
NASA Sound System: Five, Four, Three, Two, One. . . . . . .
Blast off….
99

Mya, Nessa and Robyn
100

Characters:
Revenge is Dish Best Served Cold
By Mya, Nessa and Robyn
Victim- Octavia Octopus - Long limbs, long fingers, super long
purple nails
Suspects-
Fiona Fish- Fish lips, huge eyes
Oswald Ostrich- super long neck, Gru’s long nose
Eddie Eel- mega greasy hair, eyes brows, mustache, oily skin.
Samantha Seal- bark of a laugh
Scene opens in a fancy restaurant
Oct: I’m so glad you all could make it to the Team Bonding
Dinner!
Edd: Yes glad we could see you before the end . . . of the
year….*looks around Fidgety
Fiona: I’ve been waiting for this dinner for ages, I can’t wait
to get started
( Waiter walks towards dinner party)
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Waiter: can I get you guys started with anything
Oswald: can we get a bottle of your most expensive wine and
caviar for the table
Octavia: actually no i’m deathly allergic to seafood
(Everyone looks around slyly at each other)
(Waiter leaves and brings starter salad and the wine/bread)
Octavia: ( her phone rings) Sorry I have to Take this call
Samantha: I’ll start pouring the wine for everyone
( as Samantha purs she slips something in her drink)
Octavia comes back and accidentally knocks her glass of wine
over
Samantha: under her breathe sighs and rolls her eyes
Waiter comes back and takes everyone’s order.
Octavia I’ll have the caesar salad hold the anchovies
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Eddie: I’ll have the same
Everyone chimes in and says me too with anchovies
Waiter exits
Oswald: so octavia I heard a rumor around that your retiring
soon
Octavia: oh good heavens that’s not true
Awkward silence
Waiter brings salads and octavia leaves to the bathroom
Waiter: here’s the ones with no anchovies and here are the
rest with the anchovies
Octivia comes back and everyone takes a bite of their salad.
Octavia: (starts choking) excuse me Waiter does this salad
have fish in it?
Waiter: oh yeah would u like some more
Octavia drops dead
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Fiona: oh no Pause. I guess I should be the CEO now due to
my great leadership
Samantha: NO it should be me I have the best financial status
Eddie: no actually it should be me I was obviously octavias
favourite
Oswald: no wait I’ve been working at this company the longest
so it should be me
Then everyone starts fighting each other
End Scene
104

Nessa
105

The Murder
Characters:
Emily: office worker
Narrator
Steve: a man
Man: a boss his mother is dead
Scene 1
Setting: Office building
Man gets a call
Man:hello
Man:yes I understand
Man:(frowns)
Man: what!
Man:(looks angry )
Man: throws phone onto the table
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Woman walks in holding a stack of papers
Woman: w-what happened are you alright
Man:no I don’t believe it
He puts his head in his hands. Woman sits down across from
him.
Man: my mother she is…….dead
Woman: Oh I’m so sorry how did she die
Man : she s-she was MURDERED the police are looking for
the killer b-but there’s no sign of …………
(Man starts to look sad )
Woman: That’s just (dramatic pause) awful.
Woman looks around suspiciously bows her head and walks
out of the room
Scene Two
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Narrator: 3 days ago
Emily is standing on the side of the road when she gets a
text. Emily looks at her phone.
Emily: I see you
She looks across the road and sees a man with a black hat;
he looks at her and nods. She crosses the road to the man.
Steve: I’ve been waiting
Emily: what do you want
He pulls out his phone and shows a photo to her
Steve: Kill her
Emily: (gasps) I-i can’t!
Narrator:she recognises the Woman in the photo
Emily: m-my boss I-i
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Steve cuts across her
Steve: I know but if you want the money then you’re going to
have to do it
Emily nods, tears fill her eyes. Steve walks away.
Narrator: Present time
Emily stands at the doorway
Emily: boss
Man: yes?
Emily: I’m sorry
The end
109

Noah
110

Alone in a Sea of Bitterness
Characters and Cast:
Boy-Liam
Sarah-Eve
Sarah’s Dad-Merry
Mayor-Bobby
Policeman 1-Laura
Policeman 2-Vivienne
Boy’s Mum-Mina
Young Boy-Merry
ACT 1 SCENE 1
The stage is clear. There is a boy lying in a
crumpled heap in the middle. The setting is one
of beating snow and bitter ice. The boy slowly
gets to his feet.
Boy: H…Hello?
The only sound is the wind. The boy comes to the front of the
stage and begins to monologue.
Boy: My name is..well…something. I can’t quite remember.
I can’t remember anything, really. Save for the language I
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speak and the hard, cold feel of the ice. For all I know, I’ve
never lived before now.
The wind blows louder and boy, scared, walks back a little.
Boy: I must make a shelter, lest I perish to the night.
Chunks of ice may be brought onto the stage, and the boy
can use them to build a basic shelter. Mysterious music
plays.
ACT 1 SCENE 2
A comfortable hut with a fire burning in the background. Sarah
is here with her Dad, the snow is seen blowing through
the window.
Dad: Sarah, I’ve been thinking…
Sarah:(nervously)Yes?
Dad: I think it’s time you start playing your part to help the
village grow.
Sarah: You mean… receive a class?
Dad nods.
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Sarah:(excited) Has the mayor really requested it?
Dad: indeed.
Sarah: Wow. To be honest, I didn’t think that the mayor
knew I existed! And…erm…what class has he chosen for
me?
Dad: Sarah my dear, I am delighted to announce
that you shall be a hunter.
Sarah’s eyes widen in fear.
Sarah: What!?
Dad: Yes, I know, child, exciting, isn’t it? And hunting is such
an important job, too. After all, how would our inhabitants
exist without someone to bring them food?
Sarah: B…But, I…I (sighs sadly) I’d love to.
Dad: perfect! Your classing ceremony will be in two days.
The mayor himself will be conducting it. It will be a life
changing moment for you.
Sarah:( half heartedly)Yes Dad. I can’t wait.
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Sarah comes front and center of the stage and begins to
monologue. Dad exits.
Sarah: My name is Sarah Sweepfire. I have a Dad who’s
always pushing me to do great things, which I admire, but
sometimes those things Don seem so great to me, like
making me a hunter. I’ve always adored animals. I’ve never
actually owned any pets, but I’ve been fascinated by different
species of animals for as long as I can remember. And I
would never dream of killing them for food.
The lights begin to fade.
Sarah: Yet my classing ceremony is in two days, and once
you receive a class, that is your job for life.
ACT 1 SCENE 3
The boy’s makeshift shelter. He is shivering, curled up in a
ball inside. He grabs some ice in his hands, melts it, and
pours it into his mouth.
Boy: I… I don’t think I can go on for much longer, I need food.
He slowly lowers his head until it rests gently on the ground.
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ACT 1 SCENE 4:
The boy’s dream. The backdrop is a dreamy pink. The boy
stands center stage, looking around.
A younger version of him enters.
Boy: W…what?
A scene plays out in front of the boy. Half of the stage should
remain in the dreamy setting, but the other half must now
take on a setting of a child’s bedroom. This scene is mimed.
Young boy is sitting on the bed. The sun is shining outside.
A woman enters the room and puts her hand on the young
boy’s shoulder. The young boy looks up at her and smiles.
The older version of the boy is shocked and runs toward the
bedroom, but before he can reach it, there is a blackout, and
the boy is left in the dark.
ACT 1 SCENE 5
Sarah’s hut. She is lying in bed, and her dad is
standing across the room from her.
Dad(with great care): Sarah…
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Sarah rolls over in her bed.
Dad:Daughter, i’m not completely naive.
I understand.
Sarah sits up in her bed.
Sarah: Really?
Dad: Of course. I understand… that you’re worried
about how hard hunting might be.
Sarah rolls her eyes, dad doesn’t see her.
Dad: Sometimes you might miss your shots with a bow,
but that’s okay, because there are knives available to
be used, either, if you feel more comfortable throwing
them.
Sarah(wistfully) Thanks, dad. That helps a lot.
Dad(in a bright voice) Really? Well i’m glad i made you
feel better, because i have something else to tell you.
Sarah sits forward.
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Dad: Sarah, um, the mayor wants to see you tomorrow
ahead of the ceremony… alone. Sarah jumps up.
Sarah: What!? But he never does that to anyone! why me?
Dad: I don’t know, All he said was he hade
some… things to go over with you. Sarah(angrily)
well that’s not daunting at all!
Dad laughs nervously.
Dad: You need to be in his office early in the morning, so
prepare what you need to.
ACT 1 SCENE 6
The boy jolts awake. He shakes his head.
Boy: that dream… was it a memory? That boy looked like
me. And was that… my mum?
The wind grows louder than it ever has before, and a storm
begins. The roof of the boy’s shelter is blows open.
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Boy: Oh, no!
He climbed out of the shelter and runs through the snowy
plains. The trees around him grow taller, the wind blows
louder. The boy screams.
And then, everything stops.
A woman appears. Moving through the trees, towards the
boy.
Woman: Oh, darling.
She holds out her hands.
Boy: Mum!
He embraces her. She suddenly disappears, and the boy realises
he is hugging a tree. He lets out a loud sob.
Boy(screaming): I WANT MY MEMORIES BACK!!
He curls up into a ball.
Boy: And now i’m all alone. Lost in the thick of the trees.
Blackout.
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ACT 2
ACT 2 SCENE 1
The mayor’s office.
Sarah sits quietly before the mayor.
Mayor: So Sarah, are you looking forward to becoming a
hunter?
Sarah nods.
Mayor: I would prefer a vocal response.
Sarah: oh… yes mayor.. sir… of course. My answer is yes.
Mayor: Very good child, very good. But you must understand,
my dear, i see right through you. Sarah: What?
Mayor: I always knew you didn’t want to be a hunter. i’ve
watched every person in this village since they were children,
and you are no exception.
Sarah fidgets in her chair.
Mayor: Your love for animals was always very clear so, i
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made you a hunter to, let’s just say, test you.
Sarah: Test me?
Mayor: You see, girl, i was thinking about enforcing a
new law in this village. And you are my first… test subject.
Would you like to see for yourself?
Sarah swallows.
The mayor hands her a sheet of paper with huge
wording on it. Sarah reads it aloud. Sarah: “Villagers
who do not accept their classes will be exterminated.”
The mayor smiles evilly.
Mayor: Enjoy being a hunter, Sarah. Because it
goes hand in hand with being alive.
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ACT 2 SCENE 2
The boy is wandering through the trees. He stops and looks
around him every so often. A loud sobbing sound is heard
from offstage.
The boy freezes with fear.
The sound is heard again.
The boy creeps toward the direction of the source.
He pushes a branch aside and steps into a clearing. Sarah
sits on a log in the middle, her face red with tears. She
doesn’t see the boy.
The boy advances towards her and when
he’s right beside her, he speaks. Boy: Are…
Are you alright?
Sarah jumps up.
Sarah(afraid) You… You’re not from the village.
Boy: Village? What’s a.. Never mind. You never answered
my question. Are you okay? What’s wrong?
Sarah wipes her nose.
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Sarah: It’s okay. You… you wouldn’t understand.
you’re not from around here.
Boy: Look. I been through a lot in the past
couple of days, too. Try me.
Sarah looks at him for a long time.
Sarah: What’s your name?
Boy: I can’t remember, i’ve lost all memories of my past life.
i’m on a quest to reclaim them.
Sarah: Funny, i’ve always felt as if my life was incomplete,
too.
like the first section of it was missing.
They stare at each other for a while.
Sarah: I’m Sarah, by the way.
Boy: Hi Sarah, Nice to meet you. Can
you please tell me what’s wrong. Sarah
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sighs.
Sarah: Fine, but it’s a long story.
There is a mime of Sarah telling the boy her story.
Sarah:… and the ceremony’s in an hour. I can’t become a
hunter, i just can’t, it will be a wasted life. But on the other
hand, if i don’t, i might not get to have a life.
Boy: Simple. Run away.
Sarah: I can’t. All my family are in that village.
The boy thinks for a second.
Boy: Sarah… i…
Sarah: I can leave him.
Boy: What?
Sarah: My dad. all my life he’s been trying to get me to do
great things, but he never stopped to think about what i
wanted. Maybe this could almost be… my rebellion.
The boy is shocked.
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Sarah: At least let me say goodbye first, then meet me here
in half an hour.
ACT 2 SCENE 3
Sarah walks through the door to her hut, her dad is there.
Dad: ah, Sarah my girl, good to see you.
Sarah: I just wanted to say…thank you Dad.
Dad looks confused.
Dad: Thank you? For what?
Sarah: For raising me to be who i am today, someone who
can make their own choices.
Dad: What’s this, Sarah. Oh, it’s nerves for the ceremony,
no doubt. Just think. This time, in an hour you’ll be a hunter.
Exciting, right?
Sarah stamps her foot and walks to the door.
Sarah: And that’s exactly why i’m leaving.
She walks out, slamming the door behind her.
124

ACT 2 SCENE 4
Village square. Sarah walks through. Her aim is to go to the
trees to meet the boy, But suddenly, the mayor steps out of
the shadows.
Mayor: Now Sarah. Shall we begin the ceremony?
Security guard 1 and 2 come out and grab Sarah by the
shoulders.
Security Guard 1: You’re not going anywhere.
Security guard 2 nods.
Mayor(smiling) i told you, my dear. I watch everyone, all
the time. I know all your secret plans. Sarah(screams)
HELP!
125

ACT 2 SCENE 5
The boy is standing in the clearing when he hears Sarah’s
call. He rushes down into the village. He enters the square,
unseen by the security guards, the mayor, and Sarah.
Boy: oh, no.
He spies a lot lantern above a house. and his face lights
up. He climbs up to where it is and knocks it over, lighting
the house below it on fire.
Security guard 2: Mr. Mayor Sir! Look!
Both security guards let go of Sarah and rush toward the
fire. Much to Sarah’s surprise, the boy grabs her hand and
pulls her into the trees.
They run swiftly through the branches.
Sarah(panting) Where are we going?
Boy: Away from here.
They run into a huge empty field of snow.
Sarah: i’m not going to make it. I’m hungry and freezing.
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The boy grits his teeth and keeps running,
not letting go of Sarah’s hand.
Boy: We’ll make it, we’ll…
He collapses to the ground.
They both lie there, their eyes starting to shut.
And then the Boy begins to jerk. He smiles
slightly.
Boy: My memories… they’re coming back.
Sarah:( in a small voice) mine too.
both in unison: we were brother and sister!
Boy: Sarah, i mean… sis. it’s okay, let the cold take
you we can finally go back home. They both shift
their eyes.
Sarah: Sure thing, Tom.
BLACKOUT
127

Robyn
128

The Beach
Scene:a girl and her dog are running on the beach and a
young woman nearby is arguing over the phone
Characters:
L:lucy(girl)
B:becky(woman)
Lucy walks onto the stage with a dog on a lead walking beside
her
L: c,Mon Barney you’ve been dying to go on a walk all day,
why don’t you wanna move!?
She pulls on the dogs leash
L:I’ll give you a treat if you move..
The dog still seems reluctant to move
A woman walks onto the stage holding a phone and shouting
angrily at someone on the other end
B: (at phone) how could you do this? I’ve worked so hard and
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this is what you repay me with!
B:Do you expect me to go all the way over there? I’m on holiday
for God’s sake!
The dog gets off the leash but goes bounding over to the
woman almost knocking her over
B: HEY keep your dog under control!
L:Oh my gosh I’m soo sorry he just gets really excited around
new people
B: Ugh well I can’t be dealing with this right now
L:Oh I’m so sorry what’s wrong?
B:(snappy) none of your business
L: Oh I’m sorry…
B: No it’s fine in just a little bit cranky
L: I better get going..
130

B: Here let be walk you to your bus
L:Oh thanks!
They walk off the stage together chatting
THE END
131

Rose
132

Characters:
The Three Grannies
Maureen (MA), the leader, terrified of vikings, aged 72
Joan (J), thinks she’s modern,d5 aged 70
Meralin (ME), partially deaf, loves grapes, small, aged 76
Scene opens outside the door of the National History Museum
in Dublin, Ireland. It is rainy, windy, and cloudy. People
rushing around with umbrellas. Three grannies are waddling
up to the museum with arms linked.
MA: How are we ever gonna get up these steps, ladies?
J: I don’t know but this museum cost me 20 shillings so we’re
getting up there.
MA: I think they use Euros these days, Joan
J: Nonsense, I’m all in the now, I’m pretty sure I know what
money people use, Maureen.
[Maureen shrugs]
ALL: Heave ho, heave ho, heave ho.
133

J: STOP! My back is killing me!
ME: I feel like killing someone too
J & MA: (look at each other) What!?
MA: …anyways…
ALL: Heave ho, Heave ho
MA: Finally, we’re here.
J: Wow it’s windy today
M: No, I thought it was Thursday.
J: No, I said it was windy today
M: Oh yes I’m also feeling winded
J: Never mind
[The three elderly women go into the building at last. They
134

go into the first room with the Book of Kells and many other
historic books]
MA: Oh look, the library
ME: Look! There’s a special book on display
J: I forgot my glasses so I can’t read it.
MA: Same with me. Meralin? What about you? Did you bring
your glasses?
ME: I like grapes
MA: It’s no use, we’ll have to guess
J: I think it says “The Book that Tells”
MA: Oh, a fortune telling book!
J: I’ll take that one home to read
ME: Ok, into the next room. Oh my god! This room is about
pirates. You know I used to be a pirate. They must have made
135

this room for me, to give me all my treasures back. How nice!
[Meralin starts picking pirate stuff up and putting it in her
backpack. They enter the next room]
MA: VIKINGS! (She faints and knocks over a suit of armour
and it falls apart).
[Joan tries to fix the suit of armour but knocks more stuff
over. Maureen comes to and stands up]
ME: I think it’s time to go.
[Security guard comes running in and the grannies start
running. The guard trips over the stuff that the grannies have
knocked over.
SG: Come back here!!
[The Grannies run out of the building. They are outside]
J: Oh look there’s my glasses (she fetches her glasses out of
her bag and puts them on and looks up). Oh, the building’s
called the Natural History Museum. I booked the Museum of
136

Arts. We went to the wrong one!
[Everyone looks at each other]
ME: I’d like a bun… (shrugs her shoulders)
137

Sam
138

The Man by Sam
Dolf shcerner woke up with a start he’d been asleep in the
gunners seat in the turret he looked out of a small slot in
the side of the tank turret all around was the never ending
Sahara. Nobody else was in the tank, his tank was a feared
Tiger. He climbed into the hull of the tank; it was deserted,
unharmed and untouched.
All the emergency hatches were open “what’s happened to
everybody and why was I asleep” thought Dolf. Suddenly he
smelt smoke he climbed out of the Hull and into the turret
and them out into the open air there was another Tiger out
there on fire and burning fast a dead panzergrenadier was
lying by the tracks of the other Tiger “or at least he appeared
to be dead” thought Dolf `` wait what if he isn’t dead”It only
took him one second to think of what to do next, he jumped
off the top of the turret and slid down the front of the tank
and ran across to the other man he stopped just short of
the tank he knelt down and turned the man over Dolf put
his ear to his chest he could hear a heartbeat Dolf could see
not civilisation and let alone no other people. Dolf noticed
the man was wearing an ammunition vest so he grabbed it
around the shoulders and dragged him to safety.
The best thing Dolf thought he could do was pull him the
way the two Tigers were coming from, scene aas Dolf had no
memories of what he and his tank were doing out here he
feared that he himself was concussed. He dragged the man
for more than an hour and still couldn’t see anything and
could still see the smoke from the second Tiger. In another
two hours it was dark. Dolf decided to dig a shelter,using his
hands he made a hole and a low wall of sand and he and the
man slept there.
139

Saoirse
140

The Flowerman
Characters:
Mr O’Kelly, 36 years old
Mrs. Johnson, 32 years old
The Flowerman, age ?
SCENE
Two women are sitting down on chairs and talking. They see
the flowers swinging in the breeze on the pole and start discussing
that. This is in Dublin city 2026.
Mrs O’Kelly:
Oh did you see those HORRIBLE flowers over
there swinging away on that pole?
Mrs Johnston: Aw come on, now, they aren’t horrible they’re
absolutely lovely. It’s just I’ve got absolutely
no idea who put those up there or why.
Mrs O’Kelly:
You know what, I’m going straight to the Gardaí
tomorrow morning and those flowers are
going to be gone like that
[ Mrs O’Kelly snaps her fingers ]
141

Mrs Johnson: Do you really have to, they’re not doing you
any harm at all
Mrs O’Kelly:
What’s wrong with you? I bet someone put
those up there to spy on us all with a hidden
camera.
Mrs Johnson: Ah no, no, no and no! You have it all wrong
they’re just up there someone thought they’d
make a nice change of scenery.
Mrs O’Kelly:
Okay then, say they were there just because
they look nice but why don’t they die?
They’ve been up there for weeks and there
hasn’t been a single change.
Mrs Johnson: Well maybe someone waters them.
Mrs O’Kelly:
Water them, WATER THEM! Who’d want to
water those stinking things! Plus, they must
be about 8 metres high! Who’d want to go all
the way just to water some “flowers”. Hmmm.
Tell me that!
Mrs Johnson: Maybe they just really like the flowers. What’s
puzzling me is how they got up there to tend
to the flowers.
142

Mrs. O’Kelly:
Oh, yes, how do they get up there to check
the cameras. Oohh, maybe they get a helicopter
during the night to check it.
Mrs Johnson: Maybe.
Mrs O’Kelly:
Really, I don’t get you, why do you always see
good in stuff when there isn’t any.
Mrs Johnson: It’s just a basket of flowers Mrs O’Kelly.
Mrs O’Kelly:
Right, that’s it. I’m leaving and I’m not coming
back.
Mrs Johnson: Okay.
[ Mrs O’Kelly gets up and leaves the stage. Then someone
comes on stage and looks as if they are tending to some sort
of plant. ]
The Flowerman:
Ah, I love my flowers.
THE END
143

Siún
144

I’m done waiting
(A)=Amy age 7 (B)=Brian age 42
(A) Are we there yet ???
(B)No like I told you before we won’t be there for a while
so you will have to wait!!!
(A) I’m done waiting, l want to be there NOW!!
Pause
(A) What time is it?
(B) (exasperated) 5 minutes since you last asked.
(A) WHAT TIME IS IT!!!!!!!!!!!
(B) Half three.
(A) (Sulky) it was half three half an hour ago.
145

( a bit of time passes.)
(A) (Quietly but cheeky) are we there yet?
(B) NO YOU HAVE TO WAIT!!!!!
(A) I’M DONE WAITING!!
( Brian turns on the radio and ignores her.)
Pause
( eventually Brian turns off the radio and says…)
(B) Are you ready to be a good girl?
(A) (Angrily) NO!
(A) ( quietly and sulky) yes.
(B) good, now, while you were sulking quite a lot of time
passed so…
(B) we’re here!
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( Amy stays quiet, Brian looks confused)
(A) Well…
(A) (Proud) I’ve changed my mind, I want to go home.
(B) (Weakly) what?
( Brian sinks back into his seat looking exasperated and
worn out.
End Scene
147

Tom
148

Act 1, Scene 1
A rich, elderly couple walk into a fancy restaurant, with a dog
and a cat on leashes. A mafia boss gives them a strange look
and then goes back to arguing with his dysfunctional family.
Rich Gentleman: We’d like some rare venison, please, with
some caviar on the side and two glasses of whiskey.
Not Gordon Ramsay: It’s a-me, Gordon a-Ramsay! Coming
a-right up!
The chef makes his way to the kitchen.
Rich Lady: That’s definitely not Gordon Ramsay.
‘Gordon Ramsay’ returns with the disgusting meal that was
ordered.
Rich Gentleman: Thank you, Mr ‘Ramsay’. We will return in
30 minutes to get dessert.
Not Gordon Ramsay: It’s a-my pleasure!
The couple sit down to eat their expensive swill. The cat and
149

the dog start arguing, although we just hear barking and
mewling.
Rich Gentleman: That meal was delicious! I shall get dessert.
He goes back to the counter, not noticing that the cat and
the dog have followed him.
Rich Gentleman: For dessert, I would like too much gooseberry-and-cinnamon
yoghurt [he pronounces this as ‘yoggurt’
instead of ‘yohgurt’], as well as several choc-(he spots
Remy from Ratatouille and shrieks and jumps cartoonishly)
IT’S A RAT! IT’S AN UCKFAYIN’ RAT!
He pours poison in Remy’s food.
Remy: This is poison!
Cat: We can ‘dispose’ of it, tasty ratty, of course we can…
Remy: You could do that for me? That would be an enormouse
[he’s a rodent] favour! Please do that, I will save all
the best trash from the kitchen for you.
Cat: Of course!
150

The cat jumps over the counter.
Not Gordon Ramsay: Hey! Get a-the uckfay out of my a-kitchen!
He throws a pineapple at the cat.
Rich Gentleman: I apologise about Katniss, our favourite out
of our two hundred cats. My wife is…er…quite the crazy cat
lady. In the meantime, now that that amnedday rat is dead
as a doughnut, we’d like, for dessert, too much gooseberry-and-cinnamon
yoghurt [as mentioned, he pronounces this
as ‘yoggurt’], as well as several chocolate-covered scones [he
pronounces this as ‘skons’, rather than ‘skones’].
Not Gordon Ramsay: Of a-course! I shall a-get it a-now.
He runs into the kitchen.
Soon after, he emerges from the kitchen with the gross dessert.
Katniss follows him out. No one is aware that Katniss
has secretly scraped all the chocolate off the scones and
replaced it with Remy’s poisoned meal, while Katniss keeps
the chocolate for herself and Peeta (the dog)
The rich people eat the horrid dessert.
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Rich Lady: This chocolate tastes peculiar, dear!
Rich Gentleman: We’re rich. We only eat peculiar-tasting
food!
Rich Lady: If you say so, dear.
Katniss: Haven’t you always wanted to try chocolate, Peeta?
Peeta: I have, but our owners will never give it to us. They
pretend that it is a deadly poison, even as they engorge
themselves with it at the same time.
Katniss: Well, I stole some from the kitchen. We can both
feast on it. The best part? I’ve given our owners RAT POISON!
She does a cat sort of cackle.
Rich Lady: I still think that these scones [she says it ‘skons’
too] taste peculiar, dear!
Rich Gentleman: Why, I must have ordered too much whiskey
for you, dear! Fiddlesticks, I ought to have known that a
lady can only take so much.
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Rich Lady: If you say so, dear.
Katniss and Peeta, now slightly tipsy from the chocolate, begin
to argue again. However, we only hear barks and mewls.
Rich Gentleman: I say! Shall we go now?
Rich Lady: Yes, dear. I shall pay the bill, quicksticks! I must
say, I am starting to feel really rather nauseous.
She goes to pay the bill. Then, the rich couple and the pets
exit the restaurant.
End of Act 1, Scene 1
Act 1, Scene 2
The rich couple and their pets walk out of the fancy restaurant
into a dark and rainy street. There is a detective on
patrol, a homeless person, a hooded murderer, several suspects,
another cat who is wearing a cone of shame, and several
other individuals. Katniss and Peeta are still arguing.
Katniss: We ought to get divorced, Peeta!
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Peeta: Real or not real?
Katniss: Real! Uckfayin’ real! WE SHOULD GET DIVORCED!
Peeta: Get the ellhay out of here! Literally!
Katniss: Oh dear. I think I have become too tipsy!
She vomits and becomes really drunk, as does Peeta.
Katniss: Oh, Peeta, what were we arguing about again?
Peeta: I don’t know, were we thinking of getting, I don’t
know, divorced?
Katniss: Something like that. I don’t know why I would ever
want to do that…
Peeta: I…don’t know, either…I have an uckfayin’ TERIBEL hedaycke¡
[misspellings are intentional, intended to show that
Peeta is very drunk]
The owners reach their mansion.
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Rich Gentleman: Why, dear, you were right! I feel very queasy
all of a sudden.
Rich Lady: So do I, dear! Fiddlesticks, I think we overdid it on
the gooseberry-and-cinnamon yoghurt!
Both of them vomit madly and drop DEAD!
Katniss: The rat poison worked! IT WORKED!
Peeta: We are pets no longer! We can go free! No more collars,
no more microchips, no more Vee EE Tee, no more cone
of shame!
A granddaughter of the rich couple, dressed for a wedding,
walks out, and seeing her grandparents dead, starts to cry.
The expets (pun intended) exit and the hooded murderer
previously spotted walks over, with several thugs and somebody
who appears to be a serial killer.
Hooded Murderer: Oh dear, it seems that I have a rival!
The detective shows up with a bunch of cops and a forensic
scientist.
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The forensic scientist examines the bodies.
Forensic scientist: These people have ingested rat poison!
And it just so happens that an infamous murderer is present.
Serial Killer: I am no serial killer, I am an undercover cop! You
are under arrest!
Hooded Murderer: NOOOOOOOOOO!
The cops put handcuffs on him and lead him away.
The ghost of the rich gentleman appears.
Rich Gentleman’s Ghost: No! The person you just arrested
absolutely deserves to be, but he is not our killer! That dishonour
goes to a cat, a dog, and a rat! Fiddlesticks.
Detective: Did I hear someone say I have the wrong man?
Ah, probably just my imagination.
End of Act 1, Scene 2
Act 1, Scene 3
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The next morning, the detective is on a beach. There are
palm trees, a lady getting a tan, a person walking their dog, a
person walking their door (which has wheels), a pirate burying
his or her treasure, and a few surfers. A seagull steals
someone’s chips and ice cream and the ice cream seller gives
the person a new one.
Detective: Ah, it is so nice having solved a case! I’m going
surfing.
Somebody passes by for their morning run.
The detective starts his surfing. The lifeguard shouts at him.
Lifeguard: Hey! You’re outside the safe zone! Cops aren’t
immune to the law, you know!
The detective doesn’t hear her.
Lifeguard: Seeoraypee.
A tsunami arrives, the lady getting a tan runs away, the lifeguard
screams, and the detective appears to drown.
We now see the detective waking up, sopping wet, on the
side of a snowy mountain, surrounded by wolves.
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Detective: WOLVES! HELP!
Suddenly, a woodsman shows up.
Woodsman: You’re being attacked by wolves? No sweat. I got
a girl with a red hood and her grandmother out of a wolf’s
belly once.
He helps the detective escape from the wolves. We see a
hiker, a yeti, and a sasquatch in the distance.
The detective finds himself on its relatively flat peak, in a
snowy landscape. A red-nosed reindeer with a name tag
around its neck saying ‘RUDOLPH’ comes and sniffs him.
Detective: Are you…Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Rudolph: Yes, indeed!
Detective: You can talk? How?
Rudolph: Well, everyone knows Santa is a magician! Animals
can talk where he lives.
Detective: I see.
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Detective: This is Detective Holmes Junior. I am trapped atop
Mount Santasworkshop and I am unable to get down from
here, and there are bears and wolves that might attack me.
This is Detective Holmes Junior, over.
Walkie-talkie: This is Officer Wilde. We can arrange a rescue
helicopter, but we will be unable to reach you until tomorrow.
This is Officer Wilde, over.
Elsa from Frozen passes by.
Elsa (singing): Let it go, let it go…
The detective sees a bunch of tourists queuing up for a large
wooden hotel on the mountaintop.
Detective: Aha, a hotel! I have somewhere to stay the night.
He joins the queue and eventually arrives.
Disgruntled Hotel Manager: Another tourist? They’re multiplying
like white mice.
Detective: I’m very sorry. There was a tsunami today - did
you see it on the news? - and it deposited me on this mountain.
I can’t get down from here. The other cops have ar-
159

anged a rescue, but they won’t be able to get here until
tomorrow. Can I please stay here for the night?
Disgruntled Hotel Manager: Very well. 69 dollarbucks. Here
is the key to room 616.
Detective: Thank you!
He hands over the dollarbucks.
End of Act 1, Scene 3
End of Act 1
160

Vivienne
161

Sailing
EMMA: I’m not getting on that boat with you.
SARAH: What! Why!? I’ve been sailing years!!
EMMA: I’ve seen that boat flip over tons of times! I’m not
getting wet today.
SARAH: Ah, that’s only when it’s windy.
EMMA: It is windy!!!
SARAH: I told you! I’ve been sailing years, I know how to do
it.
EMMA: In those “years” you’ve been sailing I’ve seen you
capsize, push people off, and lose control of your boat multiple
times. I’m telling you, I’m NOT getting on!!!
SARAH: Ah here, that was ages ago. Those are only stories
now!
EMMA: I saw you push Sofia off yesterday!
SARAH: Ah well at least help me rig
EMMA: I don’t know how
SARAH: You’ll have to learn at some point
EMMA: Not if I don’t go sailing
SARAH: Ah, you’re not a real sea scout if you don’t go sailing
EMMA: I just don’t understand why I have to go sailing with
you
SARAH: I actually am good, they just put me on boats with
my friends so we mess up a bit
EMMA: Promise you won’t mess up?
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SARAH: Promise, now come help me rig.
They finish and get on the boat SARAH pushes the boat
off the dock with EMMA on it
EMMA: OI!! GET BACK HERE I CAN’T SAIL
SARAH: Serves you right for doubting my sailing skills.
163

165