#9103 - Apr 1991

Digital Archiving Completed by the Ethnography Lab, A University of Toronto Anthropology Initiative
and Produced in Collaboration with David Perlman/Wholenote Media Inc between July-December 2015.
10
Bob The Waiter
Has ...
~ ·.-,J., --·.=--""..:-~./- _--g...... - r:rz:::_:::::;.;;;;;_~---------.r
_._ A?F...... 0 - •
6Dkf FtSIICN 1
SO instead · - . b-y -KI-Igo-re-Tr-out-Jr-. ----:-
The AI Within·
They acted out their little dance as
if they were the dueling projections
of Zen masters from another time and
space.
He shouted and flailed his arms inhis
-postured whiskey poses, only
sometimes making sense like an
empty booze bottle is only sometimes
visible as it rolls down a late night
street and is glimpsed in each dim
passing street light.
Mostly his tongue rolled noisily
along through the dark spots. F'n
bitch this ... and F'n bitch that.
In the local alcoholic dialect she
made wounded baby seal sounds.
If you could have seen! what I heard
!! you would have known!!!, that
somewhere on that grey, cardboard
smelling pile of cloths and bedding
that they were dragging along the
street the hot stained pajama bottoms
of jealousy had just been pulled out of
the laundry bag oflife and we were all
in for a show.
She came off really good at first.
Moving up over his blue line, hitting
him on his blind side with a barely
comprehensible tirade about how he
was responsible for them being tossed
out oftheir apartment. Seems he could
never find workandspentmostofhis
time hanging out a drunken window
dry heaving L.C.B.O. drool all over
the pigeons on the telephone wires.
He charged back on the offensive
(and folks I mean offensive) with a
gymnastically impossible description
of the time she screwed those engineering
students in the park for beer
money.
That was hitting her below the belt
wherethehurtinghandofmanseldom
sets foot' and just like a woman in a
Bob Dylan song her eyes started
bleeding big wet witch tears.
"I wuz jus try in to get that beer fer
your be ... be ... beer. .. birthday
party,"she sobbed.
"Yeah well... the only reason I
rented that bowling alley of an
apartment was cause you wanted· a
big place".
Well, that wasn't exactly like
selling your watch to buy her a hair
ribbon only to find out that she cut if
off and sold it to a wig maker in order
to buy you a new watch chain, but it
was common human ground.
ldon 'tknow what it is in a fell a that
makes him suddenly realize he's gone
too far. When that higher man within
pushes aside the mean outer little guy
'and that giant AI Waxman within
comes down the Augusta Ave. of life
and stops long enough from waving
at people to take your face between
his nationally syndicated hands and
says "Hey garnbino lighten up ...... be
happy".
That guy felt the palms of AI all
right.
He repositioned his toque, zipped
up his fly, nervously ajustedhis hand
paintedC.N. Tower tieandtuckedhis
polyester dinner jacket back into his
friendly goodwill corduroys.
"Lets go baby" he said tenderly,
"stop cryin ..... yer makin everybody
stare at us".
As if responding to an orchestra
leader's baton the hundred pairs of
eyes on Baldwin S t.that had paused in
their shopping to witness all this,
shifted back to their vegetables and
the shabby couple shuffled on along
the street.
Nobody really knew what Jamie
did for a living. He really wasn't too
sure himself.
Every day he'd go into his office
and move papers around his desk and
make phone calls,
Jamie made money. Lots of money.
You only had to ask him to find that
out.
Like a corpulent hippo -in a mud
hole of fmance it stuck to him. He
stank from it and he loved it.
At the end of each day he'd lumber
out of his wallow five minutes before
the human tide flushed itself down
the elevator shafts of the financial
district so he could snort a couple of
lines in the executive washroom.
He loved to stand in the stairwell
outside the exec john and lean against
the w·all so he could silently look up
the skirts of the secretaries using the
staircase to the ladies john above.
Somehow today felt alittledifferent
to Jamie.
Life was somehow losing its fun
and excitment.
He reflected back on those first
heady $55,000 per year days with the
company when the president entrusted
him with evictions ~d past due collections.
Life had meaning then. Then he
was like a giant regulator fine tuning
an economic system gone wrong. A
system where those shabby foul
smelling little people who lived in
those dumpy high rises the company
owned threatened chaos by withholding
rents and key money.
He'd heard ail the usual excuses.
"My husband deserted me, took all
the money, and left all the kids" or "I
can't pay these rents and my student
loan too".
Deadbeats, lesbian commies who
can't keep a real man.
KeymoneywasJamie'sspeciality.
Jamie waddled over to the theatre
district and stood ouL~ide the Yuppie
bar he usually got bombed in.
Maybe it was the blow or maybe it
was the time of year but he just didn't
feel like rubbing shoulders with all
the plebs who'd recently bee.n
crowding into what was once his
private domain.
Often after a long day of collections
and threats Jamie' d come here and
stand at the end of the bar in the
employee's service area dispensing
free drinks and witty stories about his
days' successes to all the sweet young
things who'd crowd around him.
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
-Funny now that the recession was
ending they didn't crowd around him
as often, eagerly accepting his free
rounds.
No, today Jamie was going to take
a little walk on the wild side.
He lumbered along Queen West
. looking for new action.
The Horseshoe? no, not his style.
The Rivoli?, pass, the chicks in
there all look like lesbian single
mothers.
How about that place with all the
steel ants welded to the outside? No
way. That's where those bands that
sounded like car parts being ground
up in a blender played.
J Jamie .... was looking for some soul.
The club was down a flight of stairs.
It was dark. Kindareal dark for Jamie.
The brothers were lounging around
the far end of the bar and on a little
stage there was a drum kit, a piano
and a couple of amplifiers.
The brothers were obviously musicians,
two of them had electric guitars
slung over their shoulders and they
talked softly amongst themselves as
they drank their beer and looked down
the bar suspiciously at Jamie.
After a few minutes the tallest one
of them strode slowly along the bar
and sat down on the stool next to
Jamie. ·
Hebununed a cigarette from Jamie
and accepted his offer of a round of
beers for the band.
Jamie was being daring.
Wait till he told everyone about
how he spent an evening in the wierd
part of town hanging out with blues
black people.
"Jamie" thought Jamie, "You're a
rebel''
He looked over his shoulder into
the bar room mirror and imagined
himself in a black leather jacket..
The conversation came easy and
the empty bottles soon covered the
bar.
Jamie nervously rambled on about
nothing, namely his own. gluttonous
little life.
He judged himself to be readily
accepted amongst these strange,
friendly men as he watched them smile
and nod their heads as they seemed to
closely follow everything he said.
"Yeahman,"Jamieslylysnickered,
''I'm on a roll".
After a few more beers the musicians
got up ori stage and started to
jam the blues as Jamie tried to keep
time with his fingers.
In a break between numbers the
-drummer (the tall man) called out to
Jamie. "Hey brother, you don't happen
to play harp do you?"
Jamie immediately thought about
the Marx brothers and looked perplexed.
"No man, I mean do you blow?''
Jamie reached in his suit pocket
and pulled out his vial stash of cocaine
and held it up; being among friends.
Everyone laughed and Jamie felt
strange.
"No man" laughed the drummer.
"I see what your jones is, brother, "I
mean do you like .... play the harmonica".
Jamie flushed and felt embarrassed.
He'd fooled around on one of those
hohner harmonicas one summer at
camp but he certainly never considered!
Wait a second. Holy gambino if
Jamie didn't suddenly feel a tingling
in his fingers and toes.
It was as if some higher man within
took over Jamie and the mean little
guy Jamie watched as the big guy
within crossed Jamie's body over the
Augusta Ave. of life and stepped up
onto the stage.
He. involuntarily waved to the
bartender as he took a mean looking
little hohner D harp from the guitar
player. ·
One and two and "three and four, ..
Dum dum dum dum ... and Jamie
blew lustily into the hot metal reeds
of the harp and his notes flew out of
the harmonica and stuck to the wall
like Mississippi mud.
The guitar player shouted some
wierd stuff into the microphone about
a mannish boy and Jamie's captive
brain raced wildly behind whatever
had seized control of his body.
After the wave of panic subsided
Jamie relaxed and started listening to
his own playing.
He was great!!!
'The Kensington Market Drum, April1991
While Jamie blew a particularily
rude and nasty cat fight of a solo the
guitar player leaned over and shouted
in his ear.
"You may be white on the outside
man, but inside your soul is black".
Jamie's head snapped to the left
and he heard himself say. ·
"Lighten up gambino .... be happy
"!Then his head snapped. back to his
harp and he finished his solo in such
a way that his. mid-solo rest was rendered
significant with meaning and
wild blues innovation.
The song ended and Jamie stepped
heavily off the stage the D-harp literally
smoking blues steam in his
hand.
Jamie barely had time to feel the
ache on his sweat drenched chapped
lips and ask himself just what the hell
was going on before the drummer
was pounding his back and saying
"Shit man, tell me if you ain't James
Cotton in white face, where did you
Jearn that"!?
"Oh er at summer camp" Jamie
heard himself say.
Dreamily Jamie rolled his cocaine
on the bar and it soon disappeared up
everybody's noses.
Jamie was totally freaked. As the
coke raced through his veins like a
hungry ghost slashing nerve endings
with icy teeth Jamie couldn't decide
if what just happened really happened
or not.
Another image rose in his mind
that he at first suppresseq. For some
reason or another it kept coming back
stronger the harder Jamie tried to suppress
it. Almost as a vision, he saw it.
A man was walking up Augusta
Ave. andhewaswavingtoeverybody
and everybody was waving back at
him.
Only he wasn't waving at Jamie
because he had his back to him and he
couldn't see Jamie.
He was all the way up to Baldwin
when he turned and beckoned with a
longsweepofhisarmandthenhewas
gone.
Jesus H. Christ swooned Jamie
what the hell is happening to me?
First I'm playing harmonica like
James Cotton and now I'm seeing
visions of, of ..... .
"Hey Bro you wanna score some
more stuff?" chimed the drummer. .
"Yeah sure" said Jamie. "Lets get
out of here".
They hussled out on to the dark
rainy street into the band's cube van
and drove north. In a few minutes
they pulled off of Dundas Street and
turned up Augusta. .
Jamie started to get that wierd
dreamy feeling again.
"Hey man here's our money ... "
urged the drummer.
''Take all of your money and put it
all together in your hand"
"What now?" moaned Jamie.
The cube van slowed down opposite
an old wooden doorway.
"You see that door overthere man",
whispered the drummer.
"Well you go over there and put
your right hand in the hole on the right
side of the door and your left hand
with the money in it in the other hole
right beside it".
"But" sputtered Jamie.
"No buts man", growled the
drununer. "W ecalled before we drove
on up here. It's all set up, Just do it
man".-
Jamie rolled out of the van and
stuck both his hands into the darkness
of the door.
He felt a human hand snatch the
money from his left hand and as he
waited to feel the packet of coke drop
into his right hand he noticed a slight
tingling around his wrists.
"What" shouted Jamie.
'Tv been handcuffed!!!! Hey you
gotta help me", Jamie called back to
his new friends in the van.
They,were all smiles.
"Hey sucker. We told you it was all
set up. Nighty, night". ·
"No, come back, where are you
going? You can't just leave me here
handcuffed to this door"! cried Jamie.
Bu( they were gone. Howling and
laughing up the street.
Jamie had heard about this part of
town before.
Isn't it that part of town where that
scary motor blending rock band lives
and all those Oriental gang shottings
happened, thought Jamie. This was
serious and Jamie had to take a leak.
The street was deserted and it was
raining, this was the worst day of
Jamie's life.
Far off Jamie could hear a creaking
sound getting closer and closer.
Around the corner there came a
man and a woman pushing a shopping
cart piled with soggy clothes and
bedding. They slowed as they neared
the man with no hands leaning against
the door. ·
"Hey buddy", said the tall weirdly
dressed man.
"You in some kinda trouble"?
"Well",moaned Jamie, I was handcuffed
to this door. .. by ... some ... ah
robbers. Yeah robbers .... muggers:
Punk robber .... muggers".
"Punk robber muggers you say ?'l
wondered the man.
"Yeah, they're in ·a band, I think"
grimaced Jamie.
"Oh yeah, I read about them in the
newspaper I think?" the weirdly
dressed man replied.
"They fix sinks too".
"Yeah whatever Pop. Look ... Ah
Sir do you think you could find a
hacksaw or call a locksmith or something.
I gotta take a leak".
The woman who had been standing
in the shadows behind the shopping
cart walked slowly around and stood
beside Jamie.
She raised her arm and lit her bic
lighter in front of Jamie's face and let
out a piercing scream before falling
backward into the shabby mans arms,
her hand clawing theC.N. Tower hand
painted tie above his shabby heart.
"George", she hissed, "it's him.
That horrible little bugger who evicted
us from the apartment".
"Well what do ya know", smiled
shabby George.
Jamie didn't recognize them. All
those seedy, needy little people looked
the same to him:.
"Look mister, if ther,!! has been
some misunderstanding" whined
Jamie.
"No misunderstanding", said
shabby George.
It was then that Jamie noticed the
long scissors in shabby George's hand.
"Why did it have to end like this"!
thought Jamie.
"Just hold still", sneered shabby.
George.
George proceeded to cut Jamie'
jacket off.
"Hey fella that's a $500 jacket",
warned Jamie.
"That's O.K.", piped shabby
George.
"I'll just sew it back together".
"Hey wait a minute they're my
pants you're pullin off lady. Help!!
Police!!! yelled Jamie.
Shabby George and the woman
bundled Jamie's jacket, pants and shirt
up and put them on the cart and headed
off down the street.
"You can't just leave me!" im·
plored Jamie.
"We'llleave you your undies you
might catch cold", called back the
woman.
A few wheel squeaks and they were
gone.
111111111111 1111111 JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Sgt. Kennedy of Metro Police 14tl;
Division thought he'd seen everythin~
in his 20 years as a police officer.
He wasn't too fazed to see in th<
beam of his search light this fat gu)
wearing nothing but a pair of dayglo"'
yellow boxer shorts with "I'm Sexyj
printed all over them standing witl'
his hands stuck into two holes in l
.door.
The downtown twist was that then
was piss running down his legs.
I saw the whole thing.
I was out putting up posters for th<
upcoming Kensington Drum News
paper Benefit.
They're great posters.
They say : MAY 16th, 8PM 3rd
floor party room of
SANTA FE
SOUTHWESTERN AMERICAJ\
RESTAURANT
129 PETE!
STREET - be there or be square -
The bands will be D-Squad anc
Culture Shock.
"Heycomeonnow",you'resaying
"did you tell us this whole shaggy do!
story just to plug your fundraiser"?
Well not exactly.
continued next page