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The Warrior • Humor

December 19, 2024

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is is intended as as satire and uses the tools of of exaggeration, irony, or or

ridicule in in the context of of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

How We Can Save America

by Declan Rooney ‘25

As a red-blooded, glue-eating,

American Patriot, it is imperative

that I stay dangerously

uniformed and yet still vote for

the candidate I determine to be

more “chill” solely based on what

I see on TikTok and the fragments

of Fox News I catch when

my dad falls asleep on the couch.

This year I happened to help elect

Donald J. Trump, and I gotta tell

you I don’t know how to feel. On

the one hand, I really dislike this

whole “attempt-to-overthrow-democracy”

thing, but on the other

hand, gas prices went up that one

time, so it’s really a mixed bag. I

also heard the other guy running

was apparently a woman, which

really alienated me, and I’d like

to see the Democrats try harder

next time to earn the working

person’s vote.

Regardless of that, here is a

short compilation of things I’d

like to see done on day one of the

new administration. But before

you say, “Really, another list article?

Are ideas this hard to come

by?” I’d just like to say that I have

plenty of amazing ideas; lists just

happen to be the best way of formatting

them. Anyways, what

were we doing? Oh right, the fate

of the entire nation or something.

Triple the defense budget.

It’s time this country takes its

troops seriously. I mean c’mon

guys, we really lost two wars

since 1970 to a bunch of poorly

trained rebels armed with offbrand

AK-47s? This cannot suffice.

This nation needs to “get its

get back” by dumping gasoline on

the metaphorical fire. I’m talking

about throwing another couple

trillion dollars into the black hole

that is the military industrial complex.

Only then can we re-invade

both Afghanistan and Vietnam,

restoring the glory once held so

dearly by our military.

Something something

Women’s bodily autonomy.

From what I’ve heard there seems

to be some jibber-jabber going on

with women’s autonomy nowadays.

To fix this I think we need to

start sending women to summer

camps where they are taught how

to change oil, replace tires, and

take care of any other automotive

needs. That way we never have to

hear about “women’s auto this,

women’s auto that” ever again.

Create an offense budget.

Obviously, a defense budget is

not enough if we want to strike

fear into every woman, child, and

civilian living in a third world

country. In addition to beefing

up the defense of this country, an

offense is needed too. That way

we can finally start conquering

the globe, the obvious goal of any

good military.

Abolish the Department of

Education. There is too much

governmental bureaucratic nonsense

in our government’s bureaucracy

nowadays. Obviously,

our kids’ education should be left

up to whatever former Vine-star

can yell into an iphone the loudest,

which is actually the case

nowadays because of the internet,

so the Department of Education

really just doesn’t serve a purpose

anymore. However, I must mention

that this is one of the more

lofty goals I have for the administration.

I really don’t think anybody

would be bold enough to

really do this, let alone campaign

on it and still win. We can still

dare to dream, though!

Wipe Kiribati clean off the

map. There seem to be too many

places nowadays. I look at the

map and my head spins with all

of these whachmacallit nations.

In my opinion, there should only

be 2 countries, America and the

U S of freakin A. So I’d love to

see my tax dollars go to use in the

form of expending the whole of

our nuclear arsenal on Kiribati. I

don’t know where that is or anything

about it, but I heard of it in

a travel brochure and it just seems

unnecessary.

I really do hope and pray

that the very serious and well informed

quarrels of the everyday

working man are taken to heart

by the new administration. Only

then can this country begin to

heal. God Bless America.

11

by Lilah Boig ‘26

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