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The Warrior • Humor
December 19, 2024
HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is is intended as as satire and uses the tools of of exaggeration, irony, or or
ridicule in in the context of of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.
How We Can Save America
by Declan Rooney ‘25
As a red-blooded, glue-eating,
American Patriot, it is imperative
that I stay dangerously
uniformed and yet still vote for
the candidate I determine to be
more “chill” solely based on what
I see on TikTok and the fragments
of Fox News I catch when
my dad falls asleep on the couch.
This year I happened to help elect
Donald J. Trump, and I gotta tell
you I don’t know how to feel. On
the one hand, I really dislike this
whole “attempt-to-overthrow-democracy”
thing, but on the other
hand, gas prices went up that one
time, so it’s really a mixed bag. I
also heard the other guy running
was apparently a woman, which
really alienated me, and I’d like
to see the Democrats try harder
next time to earn the working
person’s vote.
Regardless of that, here is a
short compilation of things I’d
like to see done on day one of the
new administration. But before
you say, “Really, another list article?
Are ideas this hard to come
by?” I’d just like to say that I have
plenty of amazing ideas; lists just
happen to be the best way of formatting
them. Anyways, what
were we doing? Oh right, the fate
of the entire nation or something.
Triple the defense budget.
It’s time this country takes its
troops seriously. I mean c’mon
guys, we really lost two wars
since 1970 to a bunch of poorly
trained rebels armed with offbrand
AK-47s? This cannot suffice.
This nation needs to “get its
get back” by dumping gasoline on
the metaphorical fire. I’m talking
about throwing another couple
trillion dollars into the black hole
that is the military industrial complex.
Only then can we re-invade
both Afghanistan and Vietnam,
restoring the glory once held so
dearly by our military.
Something something
Women’s bodily autonomy.
From what I’ve heard there seems
to be some jibber-jabber going on
with women’s autonomy nowadays.
To fix this I think we need to
start sending women to summer
camps where they are taught how
to change oil, replace tires, and
take care of any other automotive
needs. That way we never have to
hear about “women’s auto this,
women’s auto that” ever again.
Create an offense budget.
Obviously, a defense budget is
not enough if we want to strike
fear into every woman, child, and
civilian living in a third world
country. In addition to beefing
up the defense of this country, an
offense is needed too. That way
we can finally start conquering
the globe, the obvious goal of any
good military.
Abolish the Department of
Education. There is too much
governmental bureaucratic nonsense
in our government’s bureaucracy
nowadays. Obviously,
our kids’ education should be left
up to whatever former Vine-star
can yell into an iphone the loudest,
which is actually the case
nowadays because of the internet,
so the Department of Education
really just doesn’t serve a purpose
anymore. However, I must mention
that this is one of the more
lofty goals I have for the administration.
I really don’t think anybody
would be bold enough to
really do this, let alone campaign
on it and still win. We can still
dare to dream, though!
Wipe Kiribati clean off the
map. There seem to be too many
places nowadays. I look at the
map and my head spins with all
of these whachmacallit nations.
In my opinion, there should only
be 2 countries, America and the
U S of freakin A. So I’d love to
see my tax dollars go to use in the
form of expending the whole of
our nuclear arsenal on Kiribati. I
don’t know where that is or anything
about it, but I heard of it in
a travel brochure and it just seems
unnecessary.
I really do hope and pray
that the very serious and well informed
quarrels of the everyday
working man are taken to heart
by the new administration. Only
then can this country begin to
heal. God Bless America.
11
by Lilah Boig ‘26