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Living and Loving after Betrayal
Path Two: Prove to Yourself That You’re Worthy
Emotions are sometimes complicated, but in terms of motivation,
they’re not rocket science. You prove to yourself that you’re respectable,
valuable, and lovable by respecting, valuing, and loving. There’s
really no other way to do it. (Other people respecting, valuing, and
loving you won’t feel genuine if you’re not respectful, valuing, and loving.)
And if you prove these things to yourself, you won’t feel a need
to prove them to anyone else. Respectful, valuing, and loving people
will recognize these qualities in you. As for those who do not, you can
sympathize with their need to heal and grow.
Write the following declaration, and then read it aloud, with all
the conviction you can muster. (Once again, we tend to be more committed
to statements we write down and say out loud than those we
merely think to ourselves.)
“I know that I am worthy of respect, value, and compassion,
because I’m respectful to all people, I value many, and I love a
few. I feel compassion for the distress and pain of my loved
ones and, when possible, try my best to help.”
Now, on a piece of paper, describe your declaration in behavioral
terms: How will you show respect, value, and compassion for loved
ones? (Example: I will talk to them the way that I want them to talk
to me. I will let them know that I care about their well-being. I will
show that I want to help when they are in pain or distress.)
You will find, as you do the things you wrote down, that a sense
of personal power comes from doing what you sincerely believe is the
right thing. You will then become less dependent on the response of
others, who may not be able to invoke their own core value to validate
you. In other words, an unfavorable response from others will be disappointing
but will not make you feel unworthy of respect, value, and
love. You will need less validation of those qualities from others,
because states of core value are self-validating.